Click Here for Update 1
: Oh right, I’m going to change my icon for this one. It’s a logo I had someone make to look like Baofu’s in Innocent Sin that I had made for when Eternal Punishment comes out, because this game is my personal post-apocalyptic Sumaru City.
: As you can see, we’re in a pretentious hipster garbage game. This is the game’s native resolution. It will go no higher - I tried making it go full screen and that causes it to crash.
CRASH COUNTER: 1
: I will be keeping track of how many times this game crashes and softlocks.
: This game’s one saving grace is that because of the limited resolution, Andrew Allanson was limited as to how large he could make his walls of text.
: Roy and his wife named wife. No, I’m not making that up.
: This is a euphemism for masturbation, isn’t it.
: Like I said, it’s not so bad, even though I don’t know why they make it sound like we’re walking into Innsmouth. In reality, this isn’t so much a Lovecraft ripoff as it is a ripoff of Shadow of the Colossus.
: Talking to people in this game is broken. There’s no “talk” button. Roy has exactly two buttons: Sword and Arrow. Also yes, his wife is apparently named “Loving Wife”.
: Instead of giving us, you know, actual dialog options we get something that looks like Today’s Shy Look from Lobotomy Corporation.
: I picked the “crying face” option and this happens, and then the dialog box goes away. There’s no way to make it come back except to wait.
: NPCs will also react to you slashing them with your sword.
: Hitting the “smiling face” option causes Your Wife to join the party. I’m already confused: is her name “Your Wife” or “Loving Wife”? Is one of those a Peace Walker-style codename? Is this like Something Awful where her name is actually “Fucking Wife” but the board wordfilters “Fuck”? Let’s go with that.
: Fucking Wife will also warn us if we start going the wrong way. This is an amazingly prescient bit of game design (which doesn’t really matter because everything is walled off) that the Allansons will forget about in.. three minutes.
: This is where I tried to maximize the window and the game crashed.
: I picked the “smiling face” option on the second run, but I don’t get why this is here other than a really cheap attempt to make it seem like Roy cares about Fucking Wife even though he doesn’t ever refer to her by her name.
: Again, you can’t have a fucking romance scene when one of the characters in it doesn’t even have a fucking name!
: No! Bad Allansons! Bad! No having characters that speak in fucking emoticons!
: You can’t see it, but Fucking Wife gets hit by a projectile from that thing to the left.
: RIP Fucking Wife, put in a fridge before she even had a name.
: “My loving wife… I’m sorry… I didn’t see the the trap… I was careless.”
: I’ll be using an icon of a different Roy for Roy, since the sprites are so low-def you can barely tell them apart at a glance.
: This sound familiar at all? Guy with a sword and a dead girlfriend/wife being contacted by a strange entity that claims it can bring her back?
: So what you’re asking him is if he wants to.. yaranaika?
: Could this be a statement about how much Roy actually valued his wife? Seriously, could it? With the Allansons there’s about a fifty-fifty chance it’s actual foreshadowing.
: Roy is then crushed by a giant fish. I kind of wish this had happened to Alex in YIIK. This also means there’s a fountain in Frankton in YIIK dedicated to a character who was on screen for all of maybe four minutes.
: “Ackk” as in “Ackk! This game sucks!”
: These are all people who also worked on YIIK, I think.
: This whole thing has auto-advancing dialog and I didn’t capture all of it. Fortunately, I don’t need to.
: Why, you ask? Because this is plagiarized straight from Merriam-Webster’s definition of “life”. Word for word.
: Yes, I checked and there’s no reference list, not even a kinda-hidden one like in YIIK. It’s funny how I could tell immediately that they plagiarized this from somewhere.
PLAGIARISM COUNTER: 2
: I’m incrementing the Plagiarism Counter because we already know about the Shadow of the Colossus song but I don’t know where that comes in so I’m including it from the get-go. Just like YIIK, if you spot any plagiarism, please let me know.
: I want to get an update out before I go to bed, so we’ll stop here. Next time: Confusing bullshit! Bad game design! Me getting stuck for like 10 minutes out of the 30 I spent recording!