Click Here for Update 15
: Welcome to the penultimate update for this LP. We SHOULD be done with this game by the next update. I hope you’re ready for some YIIK-style monologues.
: For some reason, Academia Island has a menu instead of making us walk through a bunch of empty bullshit like the rest of the game. The only place we actually need to go is the dorms.
: There’s another great heart here.
Typo Counter: 134
: Up here is another collection item. As it turns out, I think we had enough stuff to get the reward for this without even picking this up. There’s 20 items, but you can’t actually get them all.
: The reason is that two of the items require you to pick up all the bottle mermaids - but the problem is that the game doesn’t register a few of them even if you pick them up.
: And now, a 25+ textbox monologue in the style of Allanson.
Typo Counter: 135
: The typo counter is going to get some serious exercise in this update.
Typo Counter: 136
: Was it on his spelling and grammar? I hope it was, he could use it.
: She started openly wearing cans of mace and a shirt that read “FUCK OFF, ROY”.
: Could he sail through the changing ocean tides? Could he handle the seasons of his mind?
: You think that’s the only one, and it’s funny because we’ve got two more of these fucking things coming.
: The egg has hatched, and apparently it’s a goat.
Typo Counter: 137
: The guy next to this dipshit is supposed to be Andrew Allanson. Keep that in mind. There is a payoff coming.
: I’m also not sure who “Brock O” is supposed to be, or why he keeps showing up.
Typo Counter: 138 (2x typo combo!)
: “This is the place where the most brilliant minds meet to show their scientific findings… to debate, collaborate, and shine a light on unseen facets of science and the arts!”
Typo Counter: 139 (It’s MDs, small s.)
: “And it’s finally here!”
Typo Counter: 140 (This year’s.)
: Oh, god dammit. No. Fuck you, Andrew. You pulled this bullshit twice now and it wasn’t acceptable either time. Only composers who don’t plagiarize get to do this, and they generally don’t need to because their non-plagiarized music speaks for itself.
Typo Counter: 141 (Pretty sure they mean “protractors”, since that’s about the only way this dumb excuse for a joke makes any goddamn sense. Shut the fuck up Allanson, you’re not funny and are never going to be.)
Typo Counter: 142 (3x typo combo!)
: “Praise be to Science!”
: I hope you’re ready for the dumbest, most ham-fisted attempt at religious critique you’ve ever seen or likely ever will see.
: Come to think of it, why the fuck do they have a band at a scientific conference?
: Here, we have more of the traditional Allanson storytelling technique of “tell, don’t show” coupled with their technique of “cram as much fucking plot as possible into the last hour or so and hope no one notices”.
: What I love is that they had an entire game to give Roy a personality. They had an entire game to develop a plot, and they just fucking didn’t. Not that this is a problem unique to the Allansons, but still.
: “Thank y----”
: “Have we met before?”
: “Yes, a while back.”
: “Right… the… swamp?”
: “Among other places.”
Typo Counter: 143
: “How did you escape the cave? That monster–”
: “Shhh… now isn’t the time to speak of such things. We’ll ruin the performance.”
: I think the performance is already ruined just by the fact that it exists.
Typo Counter: 144
Typo Counter: 145 (Into! One word! How many times do I have to fucking say it, Allanson?)
: I.. honestly don’t know whether that’s a typo or not. It’s bad writing for sure.
: “I believe the two of you were expecting weren’t you…? Real careless of you to bring a pregnant woman to such a strange place as the Cursed Lands.”
: Pfft. Oh my god, this is fucking Loss. This is Loss in game format.
: “What the hell did you just say to me…?”
Typo Counter: 146
: “We would now like to welcome to the stage, Dr. Roy James Guarder and Dr. Bivare Cornelius Guarder!”
: Who even does that, just randomly tosses in middle names when introducing someone?
: “Stay where you are. I’ll be having my words with you once I’m done.”
: “I wouldn’t dream of leaving before your presentation.”
Typo Counter: 147 (At least they’re consistent, if nothing else.)
: “We are so thankful to be here with you once again showing something we’ve dedicated more than a year and a half of our lives to!”
: “Uhm.. yes! What we’ve prepared is proof of something we never believed possible. Proof of not only an alternative color spectrum, but also proof of a life beyond this one.”
: Little late on that. Andrew Allanson is already off the stage.
: “Well, if you refuse to believe my words, please remember to keep an open mind with what you’re about to actually see.”
: This writing. This fucking writing. I’ve been basically asleep on this shit for the majority of the game, but you can just see how this leads right into YIIK. In fact, it would not at all surprise me to find out that they wrote this part while they were working on YIIK, having just discovered the Allanson Monologue.
: In fact, that’s a new term I’m going to make right now - the Allanson Monologue. It’s a monologue that goes on for long enough that anyone listening from the start is going to be bored by the time it ends.
: “Before we unveil our findings we would like to provide some back story.”
: I saw this and I was genuinely fucking afraid that they were going to recite the entire “plot” from the start for what is probably the.. fourth time now? Fifth? It’s all kind of blurred together.
: “But in our research we managed to discover much more than just this. Once you have seen these colored objects, you will begin to understand that they are not of this world.”
Typo Counter: 148 (Plane! It’s fucking plane! Plane of existence!)
: “Just show it already!” should be a fucking tagline for both this game and YIIK.
: “Fine then. If you refuse to hear the origins on these objects, I suppose I will let them speak for themselves!”
Typo Counter: 149 (Pretty sure you mean “origins of”.)
: “Raise the curtain!”
: The payoff is coming. Trust me, the payoff is coming.
: The goat just pulled a fucking Sephiroth and summoned Meteor in a valiant attempt to end this misbegotten excuse for a game.
: Andrew Allanson just killed himself off in his own game. Bravo. Now if only his stupid self-inserting bullshit would STAY fucking dead.
: There’s no way out of the expo hall, so you have to stand in one of the fires until you die. Yes, I checked every single body to make sure there were no typos.
: Oh, fuck you.
Typo Counter: 150 (We are now dangerously close to a typo count exceeding the number of first-generation Pokemon.)
: Anyway, we have to push everyone off the Game Over Zone (yes, I tried to get away without pushing Andrew Allanson) and then we can progress.
: “I can’t find my brother… I thought he died, so I came up here to save him.. but he must be burning alive inside the expo hall!”
: Never mind the fact that he just saw Bivare’s dead body, but when have little things like continuity errors ever stopped the Allansons?
: “Yeah.. I helped the others, but my brother he-”
: “Huh?”
: Does it lead to a better game? One that was actually playtested?
: “You have travelled in the wrong direction for too long. I have put up with it.. for reasons I won’t explain to you.”
: I fucking hate that phrase. They use it a lot in YIIK - “For reasons I won’t explain to you”. It translates directly to “because this entire conversation is fucking unnecessary” with a side of “We suck at writing so we couldn’t think of what to put here.”
: “But I’m done - no - YOU are done.”
: “So what happens now… do I go through the gate like Mark?”
: “No.”
: “What? You changed your mind?”
: “You have abused your life. You throw it away without care. You are not to spend life like you spend gold and silver. I can’t send you through the gate because it would destroy you. You are unworthy.”
: Clearly we’re all unworthy of, I dunno, playing a good game and not this.
: “There is another road. I will send you along.. another road…”
: “What other road? I have seen no other gates..”
: “That is because you are blind. You have been on this path for some time.”
: You know, Roy being blind would explain a lot.
Typo Counter: 151
: “I hope your feet are not tired. The last hike is not easy. You should have stayed away from this place.”
: Honestly, yeah I probably should’ve… but then no one would know how godawful this game is.
: “That’s not fair.. I didn’t know about this…”
: “This is a greater kindness than allowing you beyond the gate. I think you grasp the situation now. Your life is over. Game Over Roy.”
: I can’t read Japanese, but I know there’s no typos in it. How do I know this? Because I ran the English text through Google Translate and came up with exactly the same kanji-filled output. It probably doesn’t make any sense, but there’s no typos in it.
: The worst part is that the Virtual Boy’s safety warning screen, which is what they were trying to emulate, had the Japanese warnings entirely in hiragana. They could’ve just copied the hiragana.
: Welcome to Hell. Hell is apparently the Virtual Boy, because haha so funny get it? SO FUNNY.
: Roy can no longer take damage, and all the weapons are gone. This is a marked improvement over the rest of the game, because we can now run right through enemies.
: I didn’t get a complete shot of this, but..
Typo Counter: 152
: More typos than Pokemon. More typos than characters in a Suikoden game.
: What we have to do is go through this hallway that consists entirely of re-used assets from the bird temple.
: This gets us a weapon.
: With the hell pick, we can break these rocks and continue on.
: Here’s another dumb bomb-pushing “puzzle”. It looks incredibly annoying, but I got it on my first attempt.
: We want to go to the left, because the left-hand route leads to the real hell.
: This ledge is significantly more annoying to deal with, probably because Brian had to hard-code the one with the bomb to make sure you could get the bomb across it.
: The first thing you see in hell is Ackk Studios. It’s like an inverted version of The Seven People You Meet in Heaven.
: Blew his mind so hard that he quit Ackk and demanded all of his music be removed from Chromophore.
: That’s a fucking lie. There’s no way this game was playtested. I found what, 11 softlocks and a save-fucking bug, and this is AFTER they patched it?
: On the other side, we have a bomb “puzzle” - there’s two lines of fire and the bomb will automatically detonate if it hits them.
: The fires can be put out with the hell pick, and then you just detonate the boulder.
: And now they’re re-using sprites from that shitty Pokemon ripoff boss.
: As you go through the next couple of screens, Roy starts accumulating followers.
: Dunno what this guy’s deal is, you just kill him.
: There’s a “boss fight” against this thing, which looks like one of the fireball statues from Lost Izalith in Dark Souls 1. You can just stand on the side of the head and hit it repeatedly with the Hell Pick.
: There’s a box here that contains another collection item. By the way, I should mention that we do finish the collection sidequest in this update - and the thing is, I’m not entirely sure you even need all the items to trigger the reward.
: The reason I say this is because there’s a counter when we get to the turn-in spot that shows how many items you have, and for some reason (actually, we know the reason: it’s Quality Allanson Coding) it only counted 12 of them even though we have at least 17.
: What happens here is that once you climb up bit, you start getting these prompts where a cursor appears and you have to “leap” to continue climbing. I didn’t even notice it was there until about halfway up.
: “We’re.. back…?”
: “That… that was horrific!”
: “Why the hell did you do this to us?”
: “We didn’t deserve that! No one does!”
: “Perhaps you did not.. but there are many who do. It is wise to think before you say such things.. not deserve? Your life is a precious gift… be more grateful.”
: Read: He did it to pad the gameplay out more.
: “I am sorry you had to suffer… but it was the only way. It was the only way to make sure that you haven’t been tainted.”
: “Tainted by what…?”
: “The dark shadow that seems to follow you wherever you go.”
: “…The goat man…?”
: “Just who is that guy exactly?”
: “His name was lost forever ago.. but his actions ring throughout history. Before I let you return… would you listen to my tale?”
: He’s an analog for Lucifer in this dipshit Christian allegory.
: “Of course.. I need to understand what is happening.”
: “When your earth was created myself and six others were sent to give life.”
: Wait, what? The walrus is still presumably alive, the fish king got revived by the goat, the gator is still alive.. what the fuck are you even talking about?
: “The Nameless One was our protector. He was sent to watch and make sure nothing stood in our way. He so loved the new planet and the life it was giving.”
: This is a lot like the time when Insane Clown Posse announced they were born-again Christians. Miracles around us every day and all that.
: “But as ages went on.. he began to grow tired of this world. He wanted to return to our home. Your ‘after-life’.”
: Spelling, grammar, plot trees and words.. fuckin’ English, how does it work?
: “But his task had been set and he was not allowed to return. As ages passed and your species grew his heart turned cold.. he began to hate this world and long for his home.”
: Typos around us every day.
: “There was a point in time where he decided that he was going to return home. But the hatred in his heart had stripped him of his right to the previous life. He made his rounds, pleading with the others to help him win favor with the heavens..”
: “He begged for forgiveness but still he wasn’t pure of heart. He caused himself terrible harm with all of his anger.”
: This is like watching a Terry A. Davis video, only with slightly less racism. Honestly, Terry Davis was more coherent even when he was creating “prayers” using a random word generator.
: “This is where you come in, Roy Guarder. Those who are the most ‘heroic’ have hearts that shine with the colors of the heavens.”
Typo Counter: 153
: “I don’t understand. Heroic…? What.. how is this…?”
: “Throughout the ages there have been several Heroes of Color.”
: I like that we’re basically at the end of the game and Brian Allanson still has not figured out how text wrapping works.
: “In your quest to prove the existence of these ‘colors’ you.. you have done just that.”
: The second “you” is probably a typo, but I can’t be sure.
: “The Nameless One pushed you in this direction… knowing that if you obtained a colored heart you would help him return. Do you remember the egg you carried with you?”
: “The one the Fish King in Volta gave Roy?”
Typo Counter: 154
Typo Counter: 155 (The word “city” is part of a proper noun and must be capitalized. Plus, they capitalize it in every other instance that the name is used.)
: “The City of Atius was the final plan for humans communing with the after-life. This King Fish would act as a gateway between this world and the next.. in hopes that one day death might not separate our worlds.”
: “However a great atrocity has occurred.”
: Yeah, it really is a great atrocity that the Allansons somehow got picked up by a publisher after releasing this piece of shit.
: “By carrying that egg with you, and encountering the Nameless One..”
Typo Counter: 156
: The image of the Goatse.
: “It looks like a Goat.. not a fish?”
: “…Yes… His hope is to enter the Lost City and return here -No— to the next world… to the after-life.”
Typo Counter: 157 (What the shit is with all those hyphens? First you can’t use any punctuation at all, and now you’re just abusing the fuck out of it.)
: “We needed to send someone to stop him…”
Typo Counter: 158 (Penalty, offense, number 58. Unnecessary comma usage, five yard penalty, game remains on third down.)
: “But we needed to know that encountering him has not corrupted you.”
: “Something happened.. before I died.. he tore my chest open and ate my heart. What does this mean for him.. for me?”
: That you’re a prime candidate for a villain in the next Kingdom Hearts game?
: “The Nameless One believes in old magics.. one where eating the heart of a greater being can make you great. This is why he has killed all the Heroes of Color throughout time.. so that when the Great King Fish hatches once again.. he would be able to gain entrance to the heavens.”
: “You can’t mean to force me into following his plan?”
: “You have a choice of course..”
: “Oh?”
: “You are out of continues. We will send you back with an indeterminate amount of lives.. but only if you do this for us.”
: Two things about this. First, fuck this dumb fourth-wall-breaking bullshit. Second, this is a lie: you basically continue to have infinite lives.
: Remember when NieR Automata did this, only you actually only had one life and couldn’t just print another 2B or 9S from the bunker so it had an actual impact?
: “Or you can stay here. For by eating your Heart, The Nameless One has taken your essence away.”
: “So even your plan is hopeless?”
: “All is not hopeless. Behind me is a sword. If you were to pick it up.. it may just restore your life.”
: “What.. is… it?”
: Oh god dammit. So what you’re saying is that it’s his life? It’s now or never? He’s not gonna live forever? He just wants to live while he’s alive?
: Seriously though I had never seen the music video for that song and holy hell it’s laughably dumb.
Typo Counter: 158
Typo Counter: 159 (2x typo combo!)
: “If you mean to defeat The Nameless One, it will restore you to life.”
: “You wouldn’t happen to have one of those for me laying around, would you?”
: “You have not been as careless I’m afraid. …However…”
Typo Counter: 160
: “It was… over a year ago.. in the Cursed Lands..”
: “Is that all you can recall?”
: “No wait! It was his spear! The Nameless One! He attacked me with it..”
: “The spear.. covered in your blood.. could be used in the same way. It will require much sacrifice on my part.. but you need not worry about that.”
: “-If you intend to help your brother, that is.”
: “Where Roy goes, I will go.”
: “There isn’t realy an option.. I’ll do it.”
: “I knew you would. Roy.. take hold of the sword.. but remember.. You must both use your new lives to defeat the goat man.”
: Why would I want to defeat the Goatse Man?
Typo Counter: 161 (Seriously, what the fuck? Either use punctuation or don’t! Be fucking consistent!)
Typo Counter: 162
: If you really think Brian Allanson actually programmed that in, I have a valuable investment in my own personal cryptocurrency to sell you.
: The Holy Blade is either 3D or pseudo-3D for some reason and looks completely out of place with the rest of the game’s artstyle. It has broken hitboxes and therefore sucks.
: However, you might notice there’s an empty slot in the row of color weapons. I wonder what that last one could be?
: I did a different sidequest first, but I’ll skip to the payoff for the collection sidequest and end the update there.
: If you go between the passage leading out of the Egg Harbor/Fishington area and the mountains going to the Bird Village, there’s a museum hidden away down here.
: The idea is that as you get more of the collection items that we’ve been picking up, more of the museum opens. What’s supposed to happen is that the museum fully opens at 18 items.. but you can see in the top-right that the game only registers us as having 12 of them.
: I’m not sure if the counter is broken, the game’s code for registering the items is broken, or this entire quest is broken. I’m gonna guess the last one.
: We can keep going up through a bunch of staircases leading to empty corridors to find.. why do those statues look familiar?
: Looks like Toby Fox and Suda51 aren’t the only people who can say they regret working with the Allansons.
Typo Counter: 163
: And that’s all of the color weapons. The Shovel Blade is… honestly kinda meh. It’s less broken than most of the other weapons, but not as good as the Master Sword.
: Anyway, that’s about all the Two Brothers I can take for right now. I’m going to do the last post-mortem on lessons the Allansons should’ve learned for YIIK that they just fucking didn’t, and then next time we’ll finish the last sidequest and also the game.