I think I figured out where the Brothers Allanson got their inspiration for this game…
Click Here for Update 2
: We’re now in the Game Over Zone, aka “the afterlife”. This was where Alex YIIKESman wound up in Ending A of YIIK.
: The only things in this room are this bed and a warp tile that’s just off screen.
: Taking the warp tile puts us here, and I was stuck here for a good 10 minutes.
: If you wander around here, Roy will just repeat these two lines over and over. You can’t interact with anything apart from trying to slash the statues with Roy’s sword.
: The answer is that you’re supposed to just start walking on air. God dammit why did I have to use the whole “walking on sunshine / broken glass” joke in Persona 5?
: This thing in the corner looks like something you’re supposed to be able to reach, but you can’t. There’s an invisible wall.
: So what are you supposed to do here? I couldn’t capture it because it happens at random, but what’ll happen is that if you walk on air, Roy will eventually fall to his doom and wind up back in the Game Over Zone. You have to do this TWICE.
: Now, I will admit that both Snatcher and Policenauts did this, where you had to stay in an area and just kind of do random stuff until something happens. This is egregious though because it won’t happen on its own.
: On your third time back here, this guy will appear. I checked the video I was taking of this and he does not appear here until your third time back.
: Roy’s happy to be dead. It means he might get out of being in an Allanson game.
: Which wife? Loving Wife? Your Wife? Fucking Wife?
: What is he, Sae Niijima?
: Ah, there’s that quality Allanson writing where everyone has perfect recall of exactly how long it’s been since any given event in time.
: You might notice that this game’s font is kind of shit. It has a real problem differentiating between commas and periods.
: “Each day I begin to fear this new obsession has no end… no result. However, after receiving a promising letter I will depart Kalta in hopes of finding my brother Bivare, who believes he has found information that is relevant to my cause.”
: Who the fuck talks like this? I get that Roy is a scientist and basically sees science as a religion, but still.
: “Some are saying my research is worthless and insane, but I hope my journey will prove them wrong.”
: Roy is the kind of person who performs surgery on himself to store his money.
: There’s a couple of open doors in the hallway, but we don’t really care. They’re just NPCs who tell Roy to fuck off.
: This is another part where I got stuck for a good few seconds. As previously mentioned, there is no button to actually interact with people. We can’t talk to Silvia.
: What you have to do is try to leave, and then they’ll start talking.
Typo Counter: 1 (missing apostrophe in “mind’s”)
: A Mars Volta concert seems like a bad place to meet your brother. Or, you know, to do much of anything.
: Welcome to the Town of Kaita, or maybe Kalta. I have no idea. Let’s walk around and talk to some dumb NPCs that will immediately destroy any sense of a serious plot.
: Fuck, how out of date were the Allansons? This would almost be a time period-appropriate “joke” for YIIK to have made.
: It’s a reference to when Wind Waker came out and a bunch of games journalists at the time (I remember it being in Electronic Gaming Monthly) derided it as “too cartoony” and “kiddie”. Wind Waker came out in 2002.
: Let’s just leave town, and…
: Oh god. We’re back to Andrew Allanson trying to fill absolutely every blank space like he’s Tim Buckley. Look how badly aligned this is. This isn’t from me fucking with the resolution because you can’t.
: Also god dammit, Roy! What the fuck is your wife’s name?! Is it Jane Wife? Jane Loving Wife? Jane My Wife? Jane Fucking Wife? Jane Fucking My Wife? Is Wife her maiden name? Which one fucking is it, Allanson? WHICH ONE IS IT!?
: So I want to know, is he narrating this to the tree because no one gives a single fuck about Roy Rogers here?
: We have seemingly a couple of choices as to where to go. The panda is Kalta Town, and the bridge-looking thing up ahead is the road to Volta. That wagon on the right, though…
: The wagon brings you here, to a code entry screen. You enter the code by standing on the letter and pressing the sword button. The code is AABBAA, which sounds like the code an idiot would use on their luggage… or maybe a reference to how much Andrew Allanson loves Dancing Queen.
: This brings us to… HELL. There’s a song that plays here and it is EGREGIOUSLY bad. The game resets its volume settings every time you load it, and its default volume is AS HIGH AS FUCKING POSSIBLE. I will make a recording of this because I think it beats the King’s Quest V Town Theme for worst song in a videogame.
: I’d like to point out that entering HELL reduced our life level. Anyway, this is a hall of random people who apparently either paid to be in here or are friends of the Allansons. Let’s just see how much they paid, and…
: Oh christ. You poor, unfortunate morons. You complete dipshits who gave the Allansons $100 each to be in one of the worst games ever and be forever cursed.
: This seriously looks like something out of Habbo Hotel.
: There’s roughly three clusters of poor, unfortunate souls who are forever trapped in this game. I mean, apart from me and anyone else who ever LPed YIIK.
Typo Counter: 2 (It’s “a lot”. With a space.)
: I have no idea who these people are. There was no separate Kickstarter tier for being an item, so I assume that these are people the Allansons know.
: Let’s just get out of there before my headphones explode.
: On the next episode of Dipshit Ball Z, we’ll head to Volta and probably wish we hadn’t. I’ll record the Hell Theme and then spend a few days in therapy in the meantime.
: By the way, while navigating the Kickstarter for this game, I found this.
: If you are one of the two people unfortunate enough to have backed at this tier, please sell me the art. I will pay you $1 for it, plus $250 to a charity of your choice. My Twitter is @TimrodDX.
Wait a second… a movie… from 1999… nah, can’t be. I don’t think the Allansons know that 1999 existed.
Certainly not the worst song I’ve heard, but… they definitely failed at capturing the specific jazz-y aesthetic they were trying for here.
Click Here for Update 3
: Free from Kickstarter Hell, we can take the road to Volta.
: Like everything the Allansons have ever made, this dungeon is significantly longer and significantly more empty than it has any reason to be.
: The way this game works, it doesn’t clear the dialog box until you run into something else that fills it up. Therefore, we’ll have this line on screen for quite a while.
: I dove down the hole to see if it was a secret.
: Doing so reduces you to 1HP.
: We can push a box out of the way and talk to some lady who is bathing in a hot spring. I thought this might be a recovery point, but no, it’s just another Allanson brand NPC to make a dumb gag about a man in the women’s baths - the sign right by her says “Women’s bath, no men allowed”.
: Unlike the games it is clearly “inspired” from, you can’t find health pickups anywhere. They’re only in chests.
: I then bump into this guy, who hits Roy for a quarter of his HP.
: North of that guy are two chests with spiders in them. These damage you when you open them and then spawn spiders that can damage you if they touch you. You learn pretty quickly that Roy’s arrows are the best way to kill anything because the sword doesn’t have any kind of knockback.
: The second cave has two chests with money in it. I’m not entirely sure if money in this game is real or a gag or what - there’s no shops in Volta.
: The two chests on the left have hearts in them.
: He’s referring to the tile sticking up from the grass right in front of him that triggers the big, obvious arrow trap right next to it.
: Touching that path to the right will automatically put us on the world map again.
: Volta is the source of a convoluted quest chain which I did out of order. I’m going to put it in order so it makes sense.
: First, we need to head here, to the Pelican Bar.
: Not to be confused with this one, which just has a dumb NPC in it.
: Once you go into the Pelican Bar, you have to immediately try and leave. This triggers a flag for the bartender to give you a letter.
: God dammit. This is a direct ripoff of a similar thing in Earthbound, when you get the Trout Yogurt machine in Fourside from a deliveryman who just kind of doesn’t give a shit. Because, you know, asking the Allansons to come up with a single original idea is too much.
: The major breakthrough is that he’s going to kill himself. I’m not even joking.
: The only direction we can go other than back to Kalta is to this road block.
: Just off-screen from the worker is a building shaped like an octopus. This is the Kelby Water House.
: This is another hint as to what we’re supposed to do.
: Back in Volta, we have to push this woman all the way into a giant dead fish that’s just to the right of this screen.
: We need to push her to the Fish King, who for some reason is different than the giant fish that killed Roy earlier.
: We’ve done the stupid excuse for a puzzle, but now we have to do something even dumber: we have to find Two Brothers’ inventory system. The Allansons were far too good for a simple menu.
: The inventory system is a guy named Mark, who is a generic sprite in a field of generic sprites in the Pelican Bar.
: This stuffy city with like, three whole buildings in it.
Typo Counter: 4
: Let me show you how the inventory system works. As long as Mark is with us, we can press C and have Roy dive into his backpack.
: You can see the two stairs leading to the equipment rooms. Our items are in the top-right corner.
: Down here, I equip the Krobroc Blade. From what I understand, the Giant Foam Finger (another item in Kickstarter Hell) is very weak damage-wise. While it looks like the hitbox on this should be gigantic, it can only hit one enemy at a time even if multiple enemies are in it. It also doesn’t extend as far as the sprite does.
: This is what the finger looks like in action. The other two items are the dagger we started with and an axe that has a really short hitbox and is only questionably useful.
: And with that, Mark fucks off. This means we can’t change weapons, and the Krobroc Blade does have one downside in that it can’t cut grass. Oh well.
Typo Counter: 6
Typo Counter: 7
: That crack in the wall can be hit to make a ladder, but I had no real reason to do it. Also, I have no idea what exactly “walking sword combo” is. There’s a special move with the sword if you press both the sword and arrow buttons at the same time.
: We can then drop down further, into…
: Rats. Rats take three arrows to kill and are generally pretty annoying. It’s better to just treat this like a survival horror game and run past everything. It’s not like there’s EXP or levels or rewards for killing things. I guess it is a survival horror game and the horror is the writing and game design.
: Just take these lines in. This sounds like something you’d hear in Dirge of Cerberus, or like… some teenager’s vampire fanfiction.
: This entire area down here is full of armored guys who deflect arrows. I made the mistake of fighting a bunch of them before I remembered this isn’t Persona 5.
: What the fuck IS this shit? Seriously, is Roy supposed to be an edgelord? He didn’t seem like it, but now he’s going full-on Shadow the Hedgehog. I mean, I know this is an Allanson Brothers game and we can’t expect things like consistent characterization.
: Anyway, once you leave the cave there’s another generic armor enemy. I’m not entirely sure you even have to fight him. One of my problems with this game now that combat is a thing is that I don’t think the Allansons understood why games like Zelda and Metroid have combat at all.
: The point of combat in those games is usually as a gating mechanism - they put in enemies that are difficult to beat without having certain items. If you’re running into enemies you can’t beat, that’s signposting to go find an item that will let you beat them. You see this a lot in Super Metroid speedruns, because a lot of Super Metroid speedrunning (especially in low% categories) is bypassing enemies you’re supposed to have super missiles and power bombs for.
: Here’s an arrow switch. This is another mechanic where I’m not entirely sure why it exists: it’s not a gate because we have arrows equipped by default. The only way I could ever see this being a thing is if we go into a dungeon and lose our arrows for some reason… but then why show them off this early?
: North of that room is a cave with an axe in it. Even though it says we “equipped” the axe, it doesn’t actually equip the axe. I’m not even certain that this is a different weapon than the axe we saw in the weapons room.
: Outside are some more chests with money and a broken glass idol. I have no idea what they do, because our ability to access Roy’s inventory is nonexistent right now.
: There’s a two-way path with an armor guy in it. We want to take the one on the left - the one on the right just leads to a health drop.
: This is where you first have to break a wall to make a ladder - there’s no signposting for this anywhere. I honestly assumed you had to find bombs or something to blow the wall up, but no, you just attack it.
: Once you start moving to the left, hordes of enemies start spawning. Bivare will throw knives (you can see one next to Roy’s weapon) for minimal damage. There’s no point fighting - just keep moving.
: Six or seven screens of enemies later, we reach a ladder.
Typo Counter: 8
: Next time, we’ll witness Bivare’s master plan and set sail for adventure, and by adventure I mean more screens full of enemies we have no reason to fight.
Okay now that we’re getting into the actual meat of how this game works… healing is only in chests, physical combat has no knock back, enemies do too much damage… yeah this game is just… miserable to play, it looks like.
The bug of the text just… not going away is obnoxious as hell.
The worst part is, I have no idea whether or not all of that was an intentional design choice. Lots of games in the NES/early Gameboy era (which is clearly the aesthetic they’re going for) had that kind of thing, but I don’t think anyone, even back in the late 80s/early 90s, thought that was acceptable game design.
I actually lost sleep thinking about this last night. Were the Allansons going for an intentionally terrible combat system, where they were trying to point out that a lot of people’s rosy memories about older games are clouded by nostalgia? (I doubt it.) Were they going for something like Resident Evil where combat is intentionally pointless and a waste of time, and thus the best thing to do is bypass it even if it means taking a hit? (I also doubt it.)
Here’s my best guess. The Allansons were focused on telling a story first, as ham-fisted and kind of nonsensical as the story has been so far (and trust me, it’s going to get a LOT dumber) and everything else kind of came second. They were under pressure from the fact that their first game was a Kickstarter and they’d already given themselves a 2013 deadline to get it finished… but instead of just announcing a delay, they decided they were going to make that ship date at all costs and this is what we got.
I’m probably going to do an entire post-mortem on this game at some point, including a side update on why they didn’t learn enough from this game when they made YIIK and why Ackk as a studio is still (regrettably) seemingly headed in the wrong direction.
Click Here for Update 4
: In the interest of saving space, I’ll start using dialog icons instead of full screenshots. Bivare’s is Bidoof, but only because I couldn’t find a good picture of a bivalve.
: “What have you gotten yourself into?”
: “I’ll explain all that later.”
: “Is this what you really came here to talk about?”
: “Listen, I’ve been thinking about the whole “other colors” thing. And I’ve decided I need more information.”
: “I’ve already described in detail every thing that I saw.”
: “I know, and your notes were detailed, as I would expect… but I have a way for me to obtain more… direct evidence.”
: Even in a game with minimal space for text, they’re still repeating themselves.
: “There is no other way to describe this phenomenon. You said so yourself.”
: I think I accidentally hit the middle option, but let’s be fair here, I think we’d all select the one on the right. Go get 'em, tiger! Get yourself out of this godawful trash fire!
: “Have you lost it? – wait – This is crazy! We’re not even entirely sure how this works.”
: I don’t know if the “–wait–” is a stage direction that got left in or what, but that’s exactly how it is in the game.
: One thing I should mention here. All this text, in the yellow boxes? It scrolls at approximately two characters per second. This first text box took something like half a minute to finish. There is no way to speed it up (edit: on a second run, I found that Z speeds it up). I’ll tell you when the yellow boxes are done, but for full effect, please take at least half a minute to read each of the following lines.
: “This is the most significant scientific discovery of all time!”
: “Proof… of… so many things I once never thought possible!”
: Here’s my question. If both Roy and Bivare went to the magic Game Over Dimension when they died, does that mean that Fucking Wife could’ve come back but just chose not to?
: “Bivare! You’re safe!”
: “Roy, this is life changing. This knowledge can lead to so many things! There is only one issue.”
: “How do we prove it?”
: Jonestown, anyone? Anyway, here’s Tehsnakerer’s favorite line, and it’s kind of my favorite line too.
: If I didn’t know that the Allansons were both godawful at writing, I’d say this line almost works… except that Bivare just offed himself because his brother told him that it would send him to the magic Game Over Dimension.
: Actually, hold on a second. How the hell did Roy get here? Did he off himself off screen?
: “My thoughts exactly. They’ll say we’re crazy.”
: “They already say that about me… ever since I told them of my findings.”
: “I always believed you, Roy. You experienced a great loss, and they couldn’t see past that.”
: You might think this is about the Allanson’s mother dying of cancer, but that hadn’t happened yet. The diagnosis might’ve, but I’m not so sure about that.
: “…Never mind that. Did you see that?”
: “Wait… Roy… that’s… I can see the Bay! We’re right above our home.”
: Apparently, dying in the world of Two Brothers is equivalent to when an admin on a TF2 server hits the “teleport everyone into the skybox” button.
: “Biv, did you see that color before? It came from the island south of the bay…”
: At least it’s not The Color Out Of Space.
: Ignore the fact that the dialog box isn’t loaded yet. I took this just to show that the rainbow ring flashes on and off.
: “There! I saw it! Do you think… do you think we could find what’s creating that colored light?”
: “Bivare. I don’t know how these colors are even possible… I… I am afraid to toy with this.”
: Roy totally behaving like a scientist who practically follows science as a religion, and also someone who didn’t just kill himself for the sole purpose of being able to see colors.
: “This is quite literally the most dangerous experiment we’ve done, that’s for sure.”
: “… I am determined to prove this…”
: “Roy, how do you get back?”
: And that’s the end of the yellow boxes.
: So I may have been avoiding permafucks in Persona 5, but I ran into one right here. It’s not only a game-breaking bug, it’s also a bug that renders your save useless because it forces you into a softlock.
: Roy and Bivare get on a giant turtle and sail away… and then my game crashes because I may or may not have accidentally hit the “full screen” key (it’s F1 and all it does is crash the game). Oops, I forgot to back up my save. So I reload…
: Now, notice that the game says it autosaves at every doorway. We should be fine, right? We just passed two doorways on the way to the turtle.
: Okay, so we’ve got both Roy and Bivare, there’s the items we had… let’s load the data.
: That… doesn’t look like the bay. I think the game dumped us here because we were in a cutscene zone when the game crashed and it didn’t know where to put us.
: So I go through the entire update a second time. No problem, it’s only a few minutes. There’s some stuff I forgot to show: like how there’s orbs you have to hit to open doors, but it’s pretty minor.
: When we get to Bivare on the bridge, he’s… still there. But he’s also behind us. Clearly, Bivare is like Naruto in that he can do the whole Kage Bunshin no Jutsu shadow clone deal.
: Yeah, about that… maybe you should merge with your clone or something…
: We get in the house and the game softlocks. I can’t move because the game spawned Bivare on the same tile it spawned Roy, and it locks me here because I’m pretty sure there’s an invisible wall on the tile above us. We can’t leave, we can’t progress.
: When I tried to reload, the game did the same thing, only this time it spawned me on the screen where you meet Bivare on the bridge. Clearly, the whole “saves at every doorway” thing is a lie.
: This is unfortunately a save-breaking bug. This save is permafucked, and I’m going to have to restart the entire game. This time, I’m going to see if I can set something up to automatically copy the save file when I open the game.
GAME-BREAKING BUGS: 1
PERMAFUCKED SAVES: 1
: On my second run, I took a look at the save. There’s a thing for “level” which you’d think would be for some kind of EXP system. It’s not. What it does is tell the game where you are: theoretically if I knew where the end was I could just warp there.
: See that thing under ‘itemsV’ where it says “goodbye=1”? That’s a variable for whether or not you talked to Silvia on the way out of the inn at the start of the game. The thing under “ObtainNot” is for marking which chests you’ve gotten. It seems to only be for chests with money in them. “sh=” is the amount of money we have, and supposedly there’s shops later so I can edit this to 999999 and save us some time.
: People have said that while you CAN edit Roy’s health, you don’t want to do that because there’s some events where Roy has to die for the story to progress.
: On my second run, I found out a couple of things. The first is that the Guide is actually in the Game Over Realm from the start - I don’t know if the falling part is a glitch or not.
: Second is that you can in fact find hearts in grass.
Click Here For Update 5
: And welcome back to Two Brothers, now that I’ve completely restarted the game from scratch. Hoo boy are we in for some bullshit today. Assuming this guy’s complete save file I found on the Steam forums is right, we’ll be about a quarter of the way done with this game by the end of this update.
: “It will inspire many questions… how do our eyes perceive these colors? What made them?”
: “Indeed, but let’s try not to get ahead of ourselves.”
: “That’s what science is all about. Getting excited about new ideas!”
: “And getting let down by them when they don’t pan out.”
: “Touche! Well, there is only one way to find out.”
: “I think we need to be careful now. Let’s not have excitement cloud our judgement.”
Typo Counter: 9 (missing a space between “after” and “all”)
: “Yeah. I did just drive a knife into my chest to see ‘new colors’.”
: “Yes, don’t do that anymore. We’re dealing with unexplored facets of science.”
: “…When I was up there I couldn’t imagine a way back…”
: Today, we’ll be doing the first dungeon, which has some GODAWFUL signposting. I actually had to find a video of it to get past it. It’s real bad. First, there’s a cave with some hearts and a sign telling us to go into the Eagle Shrine.
: Everything is walled off, and there’s only really one way to go.
: There’s three doors out of the entry area. The left and right ones are pointless - they lead to rooms full of enemies that have nothing in them.
: This is the left room, as an example.
: Going up puts us in another room full of enemies. They’re pretty easy to dodge.
: That puts us in this room. It’s got these raised pillars that are controlled by the squares on the floor. Going over a square activates it, changing the position of the pillars but also turning the square into a wall.
: On the left is this guy, who left the signpost behind in that cave. We can take his sword, but can’t equip it because Mark isn’t here.
: On my way to the right side, Roy manages to get stuck between a pillar and the floor switch.
Softlock Counter: 2
: On the other side from the old man is this room, which has a switch, a closed door, and…
: An arrow statue. You can push these just like you would anything else.
: Opening the door puts us in here, which is a room with spiked walls that swiftly close in on you. None of the orbs or floor switches do anything, and we promptly die.
: Apparently, the water woman we met in Volta died when we fed her to the Fish King. Roy’s an asshole.
: There’s also a telescope up here which lets you see the world map.
: There’s a heart here we can eat for more max HP. I figured out how these work: each great heart boosts your max HP by 20. You start with 20 max HP, so we’re now at 60.
: Anyway, I couldn’t figure out how to solve the wall room. There’s a bug where if you leave the wall room after going to the Game Over Zone, the game will softlock if you go back in. I had this happen twice.
Softlock Counter: 4
: We then wind up here, in a room with a bunch of things in the wall shooting at us.
: I solved this room without immediately realizing I had. What you have to do is attack the gear in the corner, which raises the chandelier thing and reveals a switch.
: This puts us on the other side of this wall room. What the game doesn’t tell you is that like the speedrun glitch in Link to the Past, you can actually walk over those thin pieces of terrain connecting the two platforms. This is intentional - there’s a sign later that will tell us this.
: This puts us in another floor switch room. There’s a door you can’t see just off screen to the north. The switches toggle it from open to closed, so what you have to do is make a circuit around the room and then it’ll open the door up top.
: Remember Zelda, guys? REMEMBER IT? HUH? DO YOU? DO YOU? CLAP, SEALS, CLAP!
: “…I didn’t expect this.”
: “It’s not here?”
Typo Counter: 10 (Missing a comma)
: This? This is some fucking godawful signposting. I assumed that you needed an item to beat the closing wall room, and that this was somehow what you needed to do that. In fact, we’re not done here. The developers kind of assumed that you’d figure out the incredibly stupid gimmick behind the wall room first.
: “It must be somewhere else on the island, right?”
: “I guess so.”
: “Well we can’t just stay here all day.”
: So now that’s two times where the game has outright told us that we’re done here… only we’re not at all.
: At this point, I got really fucking confused. I tried the wall room once more, couldn’t figure it out, then assumed maybe it was some kind of joke.
: I had to look up a video, and the answer is incredibly stupid and not at all signposted properly. What you’re supposed to do… is give up and attack the door to break it down.
: Because the Allansons hadn’t ripped off Zelda hard enough, the stairs behind the crushing wall lead to a side-scrolling section.
: NOW we’re done here. Note that even though we “mailed it” to Mark, we have the key on us.
: This is where we’re supposed to use the gear.
Typo Counter: 11 (It’s “beetle” and I don’t think this is meant to be a reference)
: I had an idea of what to do with this boss right away, but I couldn’t get it to work.
: I couldn’t get a good shot of it, so I borrowed one from the Youtube video. Somehow, they made the resolution higher. Anyway, hitting the giant beetle makes it open a door in its chest. The door is EXTREMELY FUCKING FINICKY. Sometimes it’d only work if I was to the left of the door, sometimes it’d work if I went right in.
: This puts you in a room with the beetle’s heart, which you can hit a few times before you get ejected and have to restart the process. You can see I only had a bit of health - this is because missing the door damages you. Thankfully, if you die, you respawn in the same room with full health. What I’d recommend is just setting your HP to 99999 in the save file and then re-setting it to 80 (not 60) afterward.
: Once the beetle dies, it leaves behind its heart.
Typo Counter: 12
: We are then ejected from the shrine and smash through the floor outside.
: “It was in the belly of this shrine.”
: “I-- this is incredible…”
: “It hurts… Roy, don’t look at it! It will drive you mad! Cover it quickly!”
: There’s almost no way this isn’t a Color Out Of Space reference. I linked the Wikipedia page for it earlier, but it’s Lovecraft story about a meteorite that hits a farm in Massachusetts and starts spreading this indescribable color that makes people go crazy and mutates animals.
: “I did! My brain couldn’t process what I was seeing. Everything was so fuzzy.”
: “This is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen… I ever imagined! Roy…”
Typo Counter: 13 (Bivare is talking to himself and he’s not meant to be)
: “Exactly. Roy, when I was dead, I saw colors glowing from the far reaches of the earth.”
: WE KNOW! IT HAPPENED ENTIRELY ON SCREEN!
: “And you want to find them all?”
: “We’ll need to find a place to keep this secret and safe. Do you even have to ask? Let’s get out of here…”
: Before you ask, no. I didn’t transcribe that out of order. That’s how it is in the game. I don’t think the Allansons even read through their own script given how many typos and just general fucking nonsense is in it.
: Yeah, okay. So you’ve got something you think is The Color Out Of Space and you… put it in your jacket. Makes sense.
: In a good game, they would’ve done something cool with this. Maybe they would’ve made it so that the ocean is now colored in, or show that Roy sees the world differently now that he’s seen… teal. Also, I have no idea why Bivare has a gear jammed in his head. Maybe that’s why he was talking to himself.
: “You’re as shocked as I am!”
: “Where… where do we keep it…?”
: “It’s clearly a priceless object… so we need to keep it near us at all times.”
Typo Counter: 14
: “Not thinking about selling it already are you, Roy?”
: “Of course not. It is completely priceless.”
: “So what do we call this beautiful shade of… of…”
: “Jane…? Yes. I think she would like that.”
: “Where should we head now?”
: “I would like to speak to our old mentor, Prof. Ulu.”
: “I don’t know if it would be a great idea for you to go back to Academia already…”
: “Why, even with this proof you still think they’d deny my findings?”
: “Luckily, I don’t think we have to find out… last I heard, Prof. Ulu was working on a dig North of Egg Harbor.”
: Real creative place naming there. Egg Harbor (or by its full name, Egg Harbor Township) is a town in New Jersey right next to Atlantic City. I don’t know that the Allansons are from there, but given that YIIK takes place in New Jersey, it’s probably safe to say they are.
: Next time, we go to New Jersey.
Well, thank goodness for small favours. And by favours we mean “bare necessity game mechanics”.
I’ll be honest I genuinely thought it WAS going to happen… the fact that it hasn’t is actually really shitty. Especially after what seems like a… utterly miserable experience in the first dungeon. Good lord.
(with regards to Sid)
Bivare: What is this? Some giant beatle?
Will Smith as Deadshot: Some kinda Suicide Squad?
Still waiting for the line the game was clearly based around. Maybe it happened and I missed it.
ROY: Gee, Biv…
Click Here for Update 6
: Well, we’re in New Jersey now. You might notice Mark behind me - this was actually me testing to see if I could successfully hack him into a place he wasn’t supposed to be.
: I’m not sure if he’s going to be here or not, but the good news is I have a save backup from before I screwed with it. I only recorded a tiny bit of this before stopping anyway.
: I equipped the Huge Sword just to see what it did. For the second run through, I was using the axe instead of the Krobroc Blade. Weirdly, it looks like that axe in the beach area doesn’t do anything - you just sort of have it from the get-go.
Typo Counter: 15
: This scene plays as soon as we take a few steps into Egg Harbor. It plays a song that is about as close as you can get to the theme that plays in Pokemon when your Pokemon is about to evolve without actually being a copy.
: Wait a second… isn’t that the thing that revived the fish instead of Roy’s wife?
: When we go to talk to it, the thing runs away.
: There are a LOT of pointless buildings in this town. The only one we give a shit about is the Inn.
: So I’ll be real with you guys, I don’t feel like grinding money or whatever, so I just went into the save and cheated 99999 money in. You’ll see it later. It helps make an upcoming boss fight slightly less shitty.
: Roy goes to sleep and wakes up on a beach near Fucking Wife in a scene that is absolutely not the end of Ico. Gotta love that bathroom.
: “Hey, you’re the one who made me go back and feed the cat!”
: “Well, you’re here now and that’s all that matters to me… :)”
: Yes, the emoticon is in there in the actual game script. This is Brian Allanson we’re talking about. By the way, for Jane’s dialog portrait, I’m using a photo of Gex’s dream girlfriend, Jane Fonda. Somehow, I think Jane Fonda would hate Roy Rogers, but maybe I’m wrong.
: “Roy dear, can you switch on the radio?”
: “It was our honeymoon, wasn’t it…?”
: “Our honeymoon… just as I expected!”
: “Didn’t we go to the observatory that night?”
: “Mhmm… we gazed at the stars… all night long.”
: “Just the two of us… we should do that again tonight!”
: “But Roy…”
: “…Yeah, Jane?”
: “We couldn’t go… there is no tonight!”
: “What…? What does that mean…?”
: “This is a dream! … I’m gone … you knew that… you didn’t forget that I’m gone, did you?”
: I’m turning Emo Roy on for the rest of the game and answering everything with the crying face that I can.
: “Jane… don’t… please… don’t.”
: “Roy… please don’t be upset.”
: So yeah, as far as I’m concerned this is Roy talking to himself through his dead wife the same way that Alex talked to himself all the time in YIIK.
: “What… what am I supposed to do now…?”
: “Eventually you’ll have to wake up… why don’t we play a little longer, though?”
: “I did…”
: “Is it beautiful…? What did you call it…?”
: “I called it Jane… and it’s not as beautiful as you.”
: There’s a couple of things I don’t get about this cutscene. The first is why Roy and Fucking Wife are in full color, and why the blankets or whatever are also in full color when the only one we’ve found so far is teal.
: What would’ve made this work far better would’ve been if this was a memory playing back in Roy’s dream, only the water is different than he remembers it.
: “Haha… typical you. Yes, I found one… and I think there are more.”
: “What do you plan on doing with them once you find more?”
: “I’m not sure… since I last saw you no one really cares for my theories… they say I’ve gone mad, that…”
: WE KNOW! FUCK! This cutscene has several hundred words more than it needed to. Hell, I could’ve done it without words at all: have Roy remembering himself on the beach and then the water starts flickering, and then it’s colored in.
: “That losing me made you go crazy and believe in an afterlife? Yeah…”
: Here’s what I don’t get about this at all. Roy actually has a color thing on him. It’s not like it really matters where it came from.
: “Well, I always did make you crazy! But… in all seriousness, Roy - find them and show everyone that they exist. A few months from now… what is happening?”
: “What do you mean? Do you mean the Academia Fair?”
: Roy wants to take teal to the science fair. Amazing.
: “That’s it! Remember we were going to show our findings from the [Cursed Lands]? Then seize the chance to show everyone what you have found!”
: “This… this isn’t a bad idea…”
: “Good! Darn… look at the time… the sun’s already setting.”
: “Jane! Please don’t go… I don’t want to wake up yet.”
: The next place we want to go is this bar. We actually could just skip it… I think.
: We can find Mark in here and get him back. The thing is, if you have Mark in your party, he takes a 15% cut of all the money you find.
: Now we need to leave Egg Harbor. I don’t know how I intuited this, I just kind of did. Maybe I’m just so used to the Allansons and their brand of bullshit.
: On the way out, we get accosted by… Baphomet?
: “…Do I know you?”
: “I don’t believe we’ve met. Where are you heading, Wanderer?”
: “I don’t believe I see a reason to tell you, stranger.”
: “Fair enough. You can call me Voinier. I am a wanderer like yourself.”
: “What makes you think I’m wandering?”
: “You have the look of a man who is looking for something, or someone, that he can’t quite put his finger on. Am I mistaken?”
: “Yes, quite a bit. I am heading North to see a friend.”
: Are we really just going to sit here and make small talk with Baphomet?
: “Is something wrong? You seem…”
: “I think you should tell me why you seem concerned.”
: What the hell kind of grammar is that?
: “I believe I know you…”
: “No, I am heading to see a friend running an expedition northwards. Is there something I can help you with?”
: “No. I am just passing through… manners are dead, aren’t they? It’s always nice to say hello.”
: “…What are you?”
: Now that we’ve been through… whatever that was… we can head to our next objective, Northern Pass. I’m seriously not sure if that’s supposed to be foreshadowing Roy going insane, or Voinier being evil, or both. Quality Allanson writing right there.
: Northern Pass is just kinda there, honestly. There’s a few “new” enemies - we actually saw one of these in Kalta. I can’t find it right now, but Brian Allanson admitted that there’s actually only I think two enemy AI types in this game.
: All we have to do from here is head to the right and we’re out. The Huge Sword is kind of a piece of shit: it’s not stronger than the axe is, and it has some incredibly fucky hitboxes that can sometimes miss enemies standing right in front of Roy.
: I also found out what the “walking sword combo” is. Basically, if you have a combo medal, you can get an extra forward thrust attack if you press the sword button rapidly while moving.
: Excavation Town has a lot of very pointless buildings, but also…
Typo Counter: 16
: From left, we have the same axe we already have, a blank book, a “knife”, the Eastern Blade and the Gallon Hammer. Since we have as much money as I feel like editing in, I bought all of it. I don’t think any of us feel like coming back later, and it’s not like any of this stuff is super overpowered.
: By the way, one of the reasons I edited in infinite money is because there’s a glitch where if you accidentally try to buy an item you don’t have the money for, the game will subtract the money from your total and not give you the item - or so I’ve heard, anyway.
: For the record, we had like… a few hundred money. I also like how the “no” option is the Tim Buckley B^U face. Two godawful tastes that go worse together.
: I equip the Eastern Blade and leave it on for the rest of the run. It’s more or less the Huge Sword minus the broken hitboxes, and might do a bit more damage it’s hard to say.
: At the north side of town is the dig site, which is our goal for right now.
Typo Counter: 17
: “Hello Professor Ulu!”
: “…Last time I saw you…”
: “You’ve been listening to the stories about how Roy Guarder is now-”
: “Raving like a mad man!”
: “…I’m afraid it may have come off that way… but it’s all changed!”
: “Here Professor… take a look at this.”
: “Surely I am hallucinating ?! What do I even call that - that color… if it even IS color.”
: “I would say that it is color. From a color spectrum adjacent to ours.”
: “Where did you get it? (Surely not from your ‘after-life’).”
: You might ask yourself ‘Is Roy really going to do a complete recap of the story?’ and the answer is it’s a fucking Allanson game, of course he is!
Typo Counter: 18
: “Roy, are you meaning to tell me that… you’ve been intentionally harming yourself to conduct these experiments?”
: “And… that you claim to have the ability to freely travel back to…life? Roy, I will not deny you that these colors exist… but I can’t accept any talk of immortality.”
: “Professor… something changed inside of me after my time with in the [Cursed Lands].”
Typo Counter: 19
: “I never said immortal. When I am on the other side… I feel how easy it would be to stay there… get sucked in forever.”
: Yeah, except what you’re describing is the fucking definition of being immortal! You can’t die unless you want to! That’s exactly what immortality is!
: “But as long as I can still find these otherworldly objects and explore the very nature of life and death, I will do so.”
: And here I was thinking that a Gameboy-style format would force the Allansons to be less wordy, not more.
: “This goes against all I believe in. Roy, I will reserve judgement on your actions until you give me more data. But now I must ask you… you believe there are other of these objects out there?”
: That’s not a typo, it’s just bad grammar. Seriously, sometimes I wonder if English is the Allansons’ first language.
: “And when you find them, what will you do with them?”
: “Roy, this is an amazing discovery. - and scientific implications of your discovery could surely change the world - but it WILL NOT BRING JANE BACK.”
: No, I didn’t typo any of that. That’s exactly how the text is presented in the game. There’s a full stop, and then the next line starts with a hyphen.
: “…I… I know this.”
: “Roy, make sure that the reasons you are doing this research are based in logic.”
: Seriously, is it just me, or does this sound like it was run through Google Translate?
: “You need to be careful. Why did you come to me? How can I help you?”
: HE JUST SHOWED YOU WHY!
: There’s something else here I’d like to point out. This game is clearly styled after the Game Boy, presumably from the early Gameboy Color era.
: When developers made games on the Game Boy, you didn’t see gigantic fucking walls of text like this. This entire exchange between Roy and Ulu is around 50 text boxes long.
: They did this for a reason - it was because the Game Boy was a portable system that was powered by a couple of AA batteries and had very limited memory.
: In the Game Boy era, developers didn’t know what your circumstances were when you were playing their game, or when your batteries were about to run flat. They purposely designed their games to accommodate this, and part of that meant forgoing long cutscenes that the player might have to sit through multiple times if they had to turn the system off part-way.
: Now, I’m not saying that any game with a retro aesthetic has to be 100% console-accurate: Shovel Knight wasn’t console-accurate to the NES hardware even if people thought it was. What I am saying is that if you’re going for a game that looks like it’s from older hardware, there should at least be some thought put in as to “how do we at least make the game feel authentic even if it’s not”? The Shovel Knight devs clearly thought about this, but I don’t think the Allansons did.
: “Hmm. it goes against my better judgement telling you this… but in science, it is always a good idea - to repeat the original experiment to try and achieve the same results.”
: “Now, I am NOT condoning harming yourself… but it is the most logical place to start.”
: What he’s saying is, don’t kill yourself, but… definitely kill yourself. Great mixed messages there.
Typo Counter: 20
: I’m not sure if there’s anything to actually do in the Game Over Zone, as I didn’t die at any point between the last boss and the end of this update.
: “Oh, and Roy!”
: “Get some rest you look terrible!”
: Ulu has a mysterious chest he won’t let us open and a heart behind a wall. Nothing creepy at all.
: On the way back, I found a book in the library, which is a big building on the way to the dig site. This is for a sidequest in the Game Over Zone that I never wound up getting to. You’d think they’d put in a dedicated suicide button or something for getting there without having to get hit by enemies until you die. This is one reason I didn’t edit the save to have infinite HP.
: This is another dungeon that doesn’t really have a reason to exist. All you do is follow that weird texture on the ground.
: On the next screen, we run into uh… aren’t those just peahats from Zelda? Whatever. They’re the same as any other enemy in this game.
: Oh, right. Have I mentioned that this game has a co-op mode? A second player can take control of Bivare or Mark or whoever Roy has following him around. I’m not sure if it works with Steam Remote Play but if it does I’d be open to try it.
: Eventually, we reach a screen with three “angry rats” and a dead person. I think this is some kind of sidequest, but again, I wasn’t going to spend time dying on purpose to find out - especially since there’s no indication of when the game actually saves.
: I’ve noticed by watching the files on my hard drive that the game doesn’t actually save at every screen transition.
: Roy will say this once if you go near the body, but other than that… nothing.
: This area looks important, but you can’t actually go in the doors.
: These enemies are pretty annoying. They shoot lasers out of their eyes at you.
: We temporarily lose Mark again.
: Up north is a door that won’t open and a chest. The game just keeps throwing combo medallions at me to the point where I’m questioning why the walking sword combo isn’t just a permanent thing.
: Going… I think East from the door brings us to another great heart, boosting our max HP to 100.
: What we have to do is go until we find a box floating in quicksand, and then jump in after it.
: “Uh… yes…”
: “Yes but the light is getting away!”
: “Allow me to assist you in your hunt.”
: Unlike all the other times we ran into holes, which reduced Roy to near-death, we have to jump down this one.
: One thing I realized but didn’t capture is that you can actually access Roy’s bag even without Mark: if you press C, the second character will open the bag.
: “Who are you? What are you talking about?”
: “Listen, Roy. I can tell he will not listen to reason. Do what you must.”
: “I don’t know what your problem is, but I speak for myself!”
: The gargoyle is way, way easier than the giant beetle by virtue of being less glitchy. He flies around, does a stomp attack, and then shoots orbs.
: All you have to do is walk right up to him once he’s stomped and then mash the sword button. Roy will destroy any orbs he hits with his sword.
: The only real “challenge” here is that the boss gets invincibility seemingly at random, so it takes way longer than it has any right to.
: Wait, what!? We just kicked that thing’s ass! I barely even took a hit!
: This reminds me of this one moment in one of the Disgaea games where I had grinded my party to maximum stats, instakilled a story boss and got a “He’s too strong! We can’t take him!” cutscene when even my healer could take him out in a fraction of a percent of a physical attack.
: My first thought here was “Oh, they’re probably ripping off Blind from Link to the Past where you had to get him under the light to kill him.”
: Here’s what I really don’t get. Voinier is pretty clearly evil, but then… I dunno. Is this supposed to be a thing where the gargoyle is a Colossus and Voinier is this game’s Dormin?
: In a good game, they would’ve made it obvious during the fight that the gargoyle is blind. Maybe even had a mechanic around it where you can distract it somehow.
Typo Counter: 20! (no apostrophe in “Gargoyle’s”)
: Oh, so we’re in Florida?
: “One I recognized, as a violator of Holy Relics and texts… the other was one I could not understand. A soul unlike any I knew from this earth.”
: How much do you want to bet that Baphomet is the first one?
: “I arrived here before with a companion… I mean no violation to what you view as holy.”
: “I mean no violation”? What the fuck kind of grammar is that?
: “Those two spirits are gone. What is your name, human?”
: “I am Roy Guarder. I am a scientist. I’ve come here looking for something. Although, I don’t honestly know how to explain what I’m searching for.”
: What he’s saying is that he’s a scientist. Yeah, ungh, he is a scientist. Yeah, ungh, he is a scientist. He tries to live on science alone. God dammit how did I not use that one earlier? Also fuck you Roy, you’re a dipshit who is looking for magic colors to bring his wife back.
: “…Guarder…? I like this name… I am The Guardian of this swamp so I guess this makes us brethren in some way.”
: That’s uh… that’s some logic there.
: “Tell me Guarder, when you entered the dark passageway, did you encounter my servant?”
: “I may have. What did your servant look like?”
: “He is a creature of an ancient race. He appears to those who seek Holy Relics of his home place. If danger befell you earlier, it is likely he came to your aid.”
: Oh man, this is another one of those “What does Donny do?” moments right out of The Room. I explained this in the YIIK LP but it’s a scene where… someone asks Tommy Wiseau’s wife what his adopted son does, and his wife just goes “Well, Johnny adopted Donny at a young age and Donny loves and idolizes him…” and doesn’t answer the fucking question.
: Also how much do you want to bet that the gargoyle is the gator’s servant?
: “I believe I met him.”
: “We were attacked, and I was forced to leave him behind.”
: “I see… I have one more question for you… why have you journeyed this deep in to the swamp, Guarder?”
: Because he’s a dipshit who thinks the magic colors will bring his dead wife back.
: “I was following an object I saw floating through the swamp.”
: “!! This object… describe it to me.”
: “I can’t… I don’t have the words. This object defies description! There are no words in my language that can do it justice.”
Typo Counter: 21
: “Much is explained now… I must ask you a favor then. One who has seen the light of the other world - and has returned is one who can surely be trusted.”
: “I don’t believe I understand.”
: “But you do! With my servant gone. I will not last long if the dark powers I feel flowing throughout the swamp come to call. Roy, as a fellow Guardian… I ask you to enter inside me and hide what you find.”
: “Please do not speak of it to others. It would not be safe.”
: I swear, one of the Allansons is into vore.
: “I can do this for you. But… what is coming for what’s inside you?”
: Phrasing! Phrasing! Fucking phrasing! Take that shit to Furaffinity!
Typo Counter: 22
: So wait, what the fuck is this shit? First the gator says that he feels a dark force coming for him, and then… “uh… I dunno, maybe?”
: Next time: THE VORE DUNGEON.
ROY: Gee, Biv, it sure is boring around here!
BIV: Mah boy, these softlocks are what all true programmers strive for.
ROY: I just wonder what my dead wife is up to!
God dammit how did I not see their names being puns coming from a mile away fuck.
At Prof. Ulu’s place he says “Good Earth, what is that?!” instead of “good god” and I’m like… god I’m not even religious and that’s annoying.
I… don’t like this overly detailed explanation for why we have to have a Jabu Jabu’s Belly dungeon…
The good news is, there kind of isn’t one. I stopped recording after the giant gator said his bit, and as it turns out you just go inside him and get purple. I also found a new softlock in the next update and am hoping it didn’t fuck my save.
Out of all of this, the thing I want to know most is: Who the heck is PhisPhace?
That scene with Voinier is one of the moments that I remember having seen elsewhere, and I have to say, I think it’s genuinely a bit creepy, in the way it’s clearly supposed to be. It doesn’t really seem to fit anything, and would have been served well appearing without all of this… this around it, but the idea of someone resetting a conversation over and over and saying less and less, getting closer and closer each time, almost suggests that either they’re aiming for a particular result that they have the power to get, or perhaps that they gained the information they needed and they’re gradually erasing the memory of the person they’re talking to. At least, that’s the sense I got.
I do want to defend this line in particular, though. Roy has shown Professor Ulu a new color, but the question of “what is my role in this quest of yours” seems pretty legitimate. It’s not to help spread the word, because Roy’s asked Ulu not to tell anyone, and there doesn’t seem to be any course of study available. So, what DOES Roy want? It’s not obvious that he’s asking for directions, especially since he said that he’d seen where the various colors were from above.
PhisPhace is some random NPC with one line of dialog who wanders around Egg Harbor. I’ll grab a screencap of him once I’m done recording the next area - I spent like 40 minutes wandering around trying to find progress and so I had to stop in the middle of a dungeon.
I totally agree. Taken by itself, it’s not a bad scene at all - it’s just that they don’t do anything with it and it gets lost in the noise of the rest of the game.
I mean we’re kind of already there with the ROYGBIV puns. Roy Guarder. Roy G. & Biv.