Click Here for Update 10
: Welcome to an update that took maybe a bit over an hour to record but felt like it took ten times that long. Nidoking pointed out that I missed a typo in the last update, so our Typo Counter is actually at 51.
: Northeast of the Cursed Lands is the Dark Forest. There’s a sidequest here for a weapon, and also a couple of collectibles.
: This place is basically a maze, and every screen looks almost identical. I hope you’re also ready for lots of pointless story!
: There’s a cave here that’s more or less empty - there’s no enemies in it, no chests, just a path and lots of breakable rocks for no real reason.
: At the end is a solitary house, which is how we progress the sidequest.
: God dammit of course the Allansons are going to directly reference Deckard Cain. I mean, why not?
: “Legend claims that many generations ago a vile king ruled over this entire land. One day a young peasant woman witnessed the King’s men butchering her fellow townsmen.”
: I also found out that Deckard Cain was named after someone’s kid. That has to SUCK for that kid.
: “Their only crime was being unable to pay the ever increasing taxes imposed by the King. The young Hero drew the only weapon that she had.”
Typo Counter: 52 (Why is there a full stop in the middle of a sentence?)
: “However, she was greatly outnumbered and forced to flee into this very forest, where she would begin her true fight against the King.”
: This entire thing sounds like one of the Allansons played NieR (which released in 2010), saw the weapon stories and went “Man, I gotta have that!”
Typo Counter: 53
: “However the King grew tired of the young hero so he set a trap. A small raiding party was sent to attack a village that bordered this forest.”
Typo Counter: 54 (Sometimes, I wonder if the Allansons are speaking some kind of weird English sub-language where they have no concept of plurals or possessives, or punctuation for that matter.)
: God dammit Allanson you can’t fucking get this right. The weapon stories in Drakengard (and NieR/Automata) were done by someone who fucking knows how to write. They’re maybe four paragraphs long each, and manage to convey a complete story in those four paragraphs. You can’t even go four sentences without a goddamn typo.
: “Greatly outnumbered the Hero fled into the forest, but she was pursued. The forest - which had been the home to the Hero for many years - did something that the Kings (sic) men could not have foreseen.”
Typo Counter: 55 (See what I mean, Allanson? See what I fucking mean?)
Typo Counter: 57 (Two typos. Two fucking typos in the same goddamn sentence!)
: “If you are to continue your journey, you must walk the path of the Hero.”
: At this point, everything starts getting very samey. Skeletons start to show up.
: There’s a path off this crossroad that has a Great Heart on it. There’s also one that leads to a Mermaid in a Bottle, which I missed. The thing is, the mermaids are glitched anyway so it doesn’t matter.
Typo Counter: 58
: Later on, there’s a path that leads to a Worn Staff. I think it’s off the third or fourth set of crossed paths. This area is a nightmare to navigate.
: Wait, did they just use “its” correctly? It’s a fucking miracle.
Typo Counter: 59
: And here we have another great example of the Allansons’ favorite method of storytelling, “tell, don’t show”.
: “They came, trying to kill a girl, and the spirits did not show them any mercy. The men were not able to find the hero in Life, and now they can’t find a way out in Death.”
: “The tale of our hero is almost at its end. Proceed to the Heart of the Forest, where you shall meet my true form, and learn the sad fate of the Hero.”
Typo Counter: 60
: “A man dressed in rags, but possessing a great power found his way through the maze.”
Typo Counter: 62
: “Recovering from the chase, our friend was killed by the Dark Man while she slept. The murderer fled from the wrath of the forest as we mourned the loss of our friend. You have proven yourself worthy to the spirits and as such, we have one request.”
Typo Counter: 63
: “When you are ready to depart step on the platform to your left.”
Typo Counter: 64
: The Mystic Boomerang, like this game, might almost be good if it wasn’t so poorly coded and developed by anyone who isn’t the Allansons.
: The projectile it fires can’t destroy rocks or plants, and it also works in a very strange way. What happens is that Roy does a melee hit, and then the projectile comes out.
: The melee strike can destroy rocks and grass, but if you do that, it can cause the boomerang to glitch out and become unusable. I thought it was a save-breaking bug, but you can pick a new weapon and it’ll fix itself.
Typo Counter: 65
: There’s also a Mermaid in a Bottle behind the tree. I mentioned these were glitched earlier, and here’s how: the game will remember that you picked them up, but won’t actually put them in Roy’s bag - he has a whole section just for them.
: You can get them by save editing, and that’s what I’ll probably do assuming I can’t get the glitch that lets you into the area the mermaids unlock to work.
: Now we have to walk all the way back to Excavation Town, halfway across the map. This means backtracking through most of the areas we did in the last few updates.
: Theoretically, you could just go to the Game Over Zone and use the warp that puts you right near Excavation Town, but I’m too afraid of save-breaking bugs.
: On the way, I stop back at Egg Harbor to pick up a sidequest item I missed the first time.
: When we go back to Excavation Town, everyone is gone and there’s this guy trying to sell us tickets to see a dungeon.
: This is “Dungeon Town” and is the location of the fifth color shard.
: Our goal is to press four switches. I believe you can do them in any order.
: The next room has a breakable wall we can use to get into a new area.
: Roy can push the boxes to open the way to the next area.
: This isn’t actually another sphere puzzle, even though it looks like it. We just need to keep going to the left.
Typo Counter: 66 (No need for an apostrophe after “gonna”)
: Down the stairs is an enemy, which kind of took me by surprise.
: He’s apparently an old guy in disguise, I guess.
Typo Counter: 67
: This boss is another laughably broken one. If you try to engage her in melee, she grapples Roy to the ground and does a lot of damage, because I’m guessing the Allansons played No More Heroes and thought Bad Girl was the best fight.
: All you have to do is stand still and then fire arrows at her from a distance. She won’t move, won’t attack, and will just sit there until she dies.
: At 0 HP, you have to walk up to her so she can grab you.
: Well, that was fucking stupid. Not as stupid as the scene we’ll see once we clear this dungeon, but still fucking stupid.
: The next switch is to the right of the main room.
: We can go either north or up the stairs, so I go upstairs first. There’s a single fireball enemy here.
: Up the next set of stairs is this guy, who just sits there shooting at bats. I had no idea what the fuck I was supposed to do here.
: What you want to do is jump down into the water and hit this specific part of the wall, which is destroyable. I had no idea this was even here until I looked it up in the guide.
: Inside is a torch.
: For some unknown reason, the torch makes a swarm of bats follow Roy.
: What you want to do is just walk up to the dipshit and the bats will push him onto the switch. I didn’t get a shot of it because this was actually the last one I did, and there’s an immediate cut to a different cutscene.
: The other route in that last room leads to this room, where we have to push a wall to hit the third switch. There’s another bottle mermaid in here, but whatever.
: The back of the wall-pushing room has a hole in it we can use to get to the fourth and final switch.
: This room is a big, tedious box-pushing ‘puzzle’. I say that in quotations because it’s obvious where everything has to go, and it only goes one way.
: We get up to the top of the room, and there’s a box in front of a closed door. All of the other boxes in this entire dungeon are empty.
: Except this one, which has a sidequest item.
: If we try the door, it says that it’s locked from the inside, which makes this seem like a dead end.. only it’s not. We’re meant to open this. To do it..
: You have to fill three more holes with boxes. I have no idea what the correlation is or how you’re supposed to pick up on that, other than by trying absolutely everything else.
: Hitting the vats next to the witch turns Roy into a fireball monster, which is in full color for some reason.
: The fireball monster can clear the rubble in this doorway.
: It can also drop the weight onto the last switch.
: We can also blow up a thing barring the path back down, which will cause that NPC to aggro and immediately kill us.
: The door we were trying to open in the first room has now opened.
: Beyond it is this puzzle room. There’s no clear indication of what you have to do, but what you have to do is push the NPCs onto the top-right, bottom-right, center left, and the one directly in front of the center left.
: You have to have Mark sit on the last one, which you do by hitting the inventory button while he’s standing on it.
: This opens up in to a cramped hallway full of flying enemies. You can’t run through them - they do a shitload of damage. Instead, you have to just keep firing arrows up the hall to kill everything.
: It’s weird to me that Mark is colored in fully in this dungeon, when he wasn’t in the last one.
: “Discovered ? Did I not open the door?”
: The weird spacing on that first question mark is a thing the game does. It’s not technically a typo, but it’s borderline.
: “This is MY dig site! And I ALONE have discovered this amazing new color!”
: “…”
: “Professor… this is a part of my research.”
: “Nobody would believe YOU if you presented this. You have destroyed your reputation with talk of the “afterlife”. But I.. I could show the truth to others.”
: “Roy! You said there were more? Where are they? Do you have them with you right now?”
: “Stand down Ulu!!”
Typo Counter: 68 (Abuse of punctuation, 5-yard penalty.)
: “Nor does it belong to the likes of you. Touching this object would surely end your life. Leave this place. You who are bound to this earth are not meant to have this beauty.”
: “What.. what are you!?”
: “Ulllluuu, don’t lock me in here!”
: The way he’s saying it, it sounds less like he’s shouting and more like he’s an anime girl calling out for her onii-chan.
: “…Guarder. I need to speak with you.”
: “You know who I am?”
: “You are the one who walks willingly in to death.”
: “I guess that sounds like me. Why have you come?”
: “I have come as a warning. These objects you are seeking.. they do not belong to this earth. You must be careful…”
Typo Counter: 69 (This is not nice. This is not nice at all.)
: “If something has placed these objects here on the earth, they either want them found.. or kept hidden..”
: All this dialogue just feels like filler. It’s like the equivalent of elevator music, or that music you hear in commercials when they don’t want to license real music.
: “I’ve been working under the assumption that an ancient race had built shrines to these objects..”
: “No such worship of these objects are required..”
: “Do you come from the same place as them?”
: “I do.. but so do others. And some of them may not have my virtuous intentions.”
: How the fuck is it you can spell virtuous, but you can’t use punctuation correctly!?
: “I ask that you take this object and hide it. Sooner or later you will have to return it…”
: “Where do I return it?”
: “Exercise caution, Roy. Something is wrong.”
: “Should I keep going?”
: “In what way, Guarder?”
: “There are more.. more of these colored shards.”
: “I can’t say what the right course of action is here.. just remember that these objects are..”
: “Are what?”
: “They are not what they seem to be. Treat them as though they were sacred.”
: See what I mean? He just said that they’re not a religious thing and not meant to be worshiped, but they’re supposed to be treated as being sacred. That’s the exact opposite of what you just said!
: “Sacred..?”
: “Go, before the unvirtuous one returns.”
: To get out, you have to run at the electric barrier until Roy dies.
: This will respawn him on the other side. This means we also have to go back through the stupid enemy hallway.
: “GET HIM!!!”
: “Huh?”
: “Ulu!!”
: Ulu then summons a couple of random NPCs to attack, except you can walk right by them. If you stay, though…
: I’m going to post this whole thing in screenshot form for two reasons. One, it’s basically a shitpost. Two, it has a lot of typos. Also, I’m not sure what the deal with this Amabo guy is.
: He appears in Kickstarter Hell and he’s part of the Krobroc Blade, so he might be based on a friend of the Allansons or a backer or something.
Typo Counter: 70
: Yes, he’s giving some kind of half-baked presidential campaign speech. In the middle of whatever dipshit fantasy realm this is.
Typo Counter: 71 (It’s La Li Lu LE Lo, dipshit! It’s a romanization of the Japanese alphabet with the r’s swapped so it’s unpronounceable!)
: I saw this, and let me tell you what I did. I sat there flipping off the screen with both hands for a good thirty seconds.
Typo Counter: 72
Typo Counter: 73
: This is somehow worse than the Golden Alpaca ever was. This is like a 2008-era 4chan shitpost, back when people were trying to be wacky and random.
: Next time, we’ll visit Fishington and hope I can get through it without the game softlocking.