Click Here for Update 14
: I hope you’re all ready for some godawful sidequests, because there’s four we can do right now. I accidentally missed a a couple of items during recording (one on purpose) and I’ll probably have to save-edit them in.
: First off, kind of a funny glitch. Mark has an item in a room we couldn’t access before inside the bag that is for one of the collection sidequests. I tried to open it and uh.. apparently we don’t have a bag for items even though we’re IN THE BAG.
: The new bag is.. very difficult to access. About 75% of the time, it’ll just fail if you use it on anything that isn’t the world map.
: There we go.
: In the Game Over Zone, we can find Link, who gives us a wooden sword and tells us to go all the way back to the start of the game.. where we just fucking came from.. to upgrade it.
: First though, we need to take this warp in the Game Over Zone to get to a sidequest that’s a ripoff of an entirely different game.
: There’s another collection item here.
: And a hole. This is where I missed an item. The problem is that if you quit the game at any point after you enter this hole but before you finish the sidequest, it renders the sidequest unwinnable - so I couldn’t reload a save to get it.
: Little did you know that years before Square-Enix released the Final Fantasy 7 Remake, the Allansons released their own remake of the Nibelheim reactor scene where Sephiroth burns the town.
Typo Counter: 114 (That should be a question mark.)
: Originality!
: “I’ll meet you over in the mine.”
: There’s actually three mines, the one we’re going to is on the far east side of town.
: “We don’t know where they’re coming from, or why they are attacking. All we know is that we have to stop the attack any way we can.”
: “Unfortunately it looks like the path splits. I’ll take the left path. You take the right and we will meet up later.”
: One long path full of enemies later…
: Enemies will continuously spawn here, and you have to wait a good minute until..
: Now, in any other game, you’d think this would be a sign to turn around.. but it’s not. You have to keep waiting.
: Eventually, the mine will collapse and then you can leave.
: “But it didn’t so no need to worry. You should have a look around now that the town is safe. When you have cooled down I’ll be on the bridge.”
: What the fuck.. what even is this line?
: “What I did stopped those monsters and saved the town. What I am sorry for is any trouble I might have caused you.”
Typo Counter: 115 (Blast it. Two words.)
: “Also if you can, check in on the villagers make sure that they are safe on your way there.”
: This cave here is where I missed one of the sidequest items. The good news is you don’t need them all to finish the sidequest.. plus the save file is easy enough to edit. The item is the “Cloak of Invisibility”.
: I believe it’s here. The item is in the top-right, whereas I just went down to the boss. Yes, there is a boss here.
: A boss named “Boss” to be precise.
: This is another one of those bosses that falls squarely into the “broken in the sense that it doesn’t do anything” category.
: You can just pelt it with arrows and the arrows will push it back. I think this is on a timer rather than having an actual health bar.
: At this point, I just walked up and hit it once and it keeled over.
Typo Counter: 116
: “Instead of letting the people suffer through captivity he himself killed them all.”
Typo Counter: 117
: The Color Busting Blade is basically a straight downgrade from the axe - it has pretty broken hitboxes, does the same damage, and swings far slower.
: After I finished the sidequest, I realized I had missed that item and reloaded a save that I made after going down the hole. What happens if you do that is that the script here just kinda breaks. It’s technically not a softlock because you can leave the cave and come back to respawn the enemies and then die to leave the area, but it renders the sidequest unwinnable.
GAME-BREAKING BUGS: 2
: For our next sidequest, we need to go all the way back to the start of the game. I just took this to point out that in some spots, the color weapons just don’t work right. Quality Allanson programming right there.
: On the way down the mountain area, I found this line of dialog which I think appears if you just hit the sword button near that tree-looking thing.
Typo Counter: 118
: On the way back, we want to stop at Bivare’s house to get another collection item… and a typo.
Typo Counter: 119
: We have to go all the way back to the first room of Road to Kalta.
: “You carry the sword of a great warrior! This was the sword of my student… you see… I am the SWORD MASTER!”
: “I will restore that blade for you. It is the least that I can do for my fallen student. We must go to the [Cave of everlasting Darkness].”
Typo Counter: 120 (Why isn’t the e capitalized?)
: I’m not sure whether this is a Zelda ripoff, a Cave Story ripoff (specifically, when you trade the Polar Star in for the Spur) or both. Probably both.
: “Where is that?”
: “Just around the corner.. I’ll take you there!”
: That’s not even a fucking sentence! Those words can’t be combined in that order! Unless you meant “see” some stuff, in which case…
Typo Counter: 121
: “It will look kind of hokey.. or it may just blow your mind. Either way, don’t laugh or panic.”
: “Never!”
: “O! Spirit what haunts this blade! In death you could not give up the ways of the blade!”
: “Give your power and courage to me! So that I may infuse it into this blade of wood!”
: “No my student! Not master! Not me - not anymore! You are now the master! Give your spirit over to the blade completely! Let it be indestructible!”
: Stop fucking abusing exclamation points!
: “Wow! I have a lot more wood left over.. I’ll make another wooden sword out of it for you!”
: Translation: The Allansons were too lazy to figure out how to program it so that the wooden sword would disappear from your inventory after you do this quest.
: “But more importantly.. I now give you.. [The Masters Sword]! It will give you great powers. Try it out when you get a chance!”
: “Thank you for doing this for me! I was heart broken when my student had passed.”
Typo Counter: 122 (HEARTBROKEN! One word!)
: “You have given me much hope. Take care!”
: Let’s just leave the poorly-capitalized cave, and…
SOFTLOCK COUNTER: 11
: Immediately get stuck on the wall and softlock the game.
: The “Masters Sword” is the best weapon in the game, hands down. It has hitboxes that work most of the time.
: It also shoots an arrow with each swing if you’re at full health. These arrows work just like Roy’s regular arrows, but I believe the sword fires them slightly faster.
: Back on the new island, we can walk North a bit and end up..
: In a desert that is absolutely a ripoff of the one in Ocarina of Time where you have to follow the poe through it.
Typo Counter: 123
: There’s a great heart here that we can grab by going.. I think it’s one screen east and one screen south.
: If you fuck around for a bit, eventually you’ll just die.
: Benjamin Cannoli. His name is Benjamin Cannoli. That sounds like a fucking rejected side character in The Sopranos.
: “If you don’t mind me asking, what were you thinking trying to cross the desert in the middle of a sand storm?”
: " ‘Ey Tone! Get a load’a this panook, thinks he can cross the desert durin’ a sandstorm!"
: “I’d rather not share my comings and goings with others.”
Typo Counter: 124
: “If it’s the University that you want to reach, you must pass through Alamnia Marketplace. One thing that you need to understand about this desert is that your sense of direction can’t be trusted.”
: “If you walk North and then change your mind and want to walk South, you usually end up in a different place. Luckily I have explored this vast desert over the years and I can give you directions to the Market gates.”
: He just wants us to do him a favor one day, and that day may never come.
: “You might want to write this down, as you will forget otherwise.”
: “If you go North, East, South, East, North and North you will make it to the market gates.”
: “Also on my explorations I happened across a cavern unlike any other. If you would like to check it out for yourself you can follow these directions. South, West, North, East, North, West, North.”
: “So anyway Tone, I tells this guy a buncha crap directions that don’t make no sense on purpose, just to see if he’d do it! And he did!”
: “To get back to my house from either location all you need to do is go the opposite direction than the ones I just gave you. Good luck on your quest, and my house will always be open to you.”
Typo Counter: 127 (3x Typo Combo! Seriously, learn to use apostrophes.)
: The reason we need money is that there’s a thing coming up we have to spend a shitload of money on, and if you don’t have it that more or less renders the game unwinnable.
: To be clear, you can still grind for it, but it’d take forever.
: If you take the second set of directions, you end up here.
: Oh god no. Do not bring fucking Sonic 06 into this, this game is bad enough as-is.
: “What? Who is that? Where are you? Show yourself!”
: “Who do you think you are, spewing nonsense about ‘colors’ that no one believes exist.”
: “They will believe. I just need more time to prove to them what I say is true.”
: “If that were so, then why does your belief dwindle beneath your feet?”
Typo Counter: 128 (“You are not worthy of their beliefs.” Really?)
: “All you are to them is a madman claiming that the sky is falling. You are not a savior, and you are not a hero. You are just a man. A man who wasn’t even strong enough to save the wife you claim to have loved.”
: So what you’re saying is that he’s just a man whose.. circumstances… went beyond his control? Beyond his control? That he’s a modern man who hides behind a mask, so no one else can see his true identity?
: Anyway, this entire thing is a gigantic fucking maze that I had enough trouble following with the guide. It involves a lot of backtracking, so I’m going to skip it.
: You’re supposed to find a bunch of these statues and then break them to open a door somewhere. I’m not convinced this is scripted properly because there’s a collectible I couldn’t get - and I’m told that even if you do get it, it’s broken and doesn’t count.
: At the end is another collection item.
: There’s another bottle mermaid here but I either missed a statue or this door isn’t scripted right. I’m just going to save edit it in later, since the guide author (who is absolutely Brian Allanson) gives you instructions on how to do that.
: Oh look, another “reference”, this time to Prince of Persia.
: “What the? I’m hearing voices again but this one sounds different.”
: “Over here!”
: “How is it that you can talk to me phantom?”
: There’s no comma in that sentence and in my mind Roy is talking like a pirate. “Avast! How’re ye talkin’ to me phantom? Me phantom talks to no man!”
: “Long ago… I was deceived by a trusted friend. This friend.. he made this tomb for me. I was the Prince of a long forgotten kingdom.”
: Uh.. Persia still exists. It’s just called Iran now.
: “..I was here grieving the death of my father, the King, when I died.”
Typo Counter: 128
: “While escaping they encountered the King face to face. Wishing to avoid being hanged, one of the bandits plunged a sword into his heart.”
: “In the aftermath the Royal Advisor convinced me to create a secret stronghold, within which to house the Royal Treasury.”
: Look, he’s the Prince of Persia, not the Prince of Correct Grammar and Spelling.
: “I did as he said. For several years things were well.. until one winter day when I came here to view my belongings. I brought with me the only person that I still trusted.”
Typo Counter: 129
: “Instead of helping the boy whom he had known since birth - my Royal Advisor just stood there and watched me.”
Typo Counter: 130
: “I looked on as his form changed in the light from the torches. After a hundred hundred years, you are the first person to find this crypt. Take these Holy Beads with you. They shall serve you as they once served me.”
: “These [Holy Beads] are a great weapon containing my life essence. My only request is that should we ever discover the identity of my Advisor.. you will slash me into his black heart and leave me there until the end of days.”
: “As you wish.”
: When I left the crypt, the game crashed to a black screen.
CRASHES: 1
: Now that we’re done with all but one sidequest, we can progress on to the marketplace.
: The Holy Beads, by the way, are hot garbage compared to the Master Sword - they’re way slower and the hitbox far more broken.
: The marketplace has a couple of places we need to visit in order to be able to cross the desert. If you don’t have the money, you can either edit it in or just give yourself infinite HP - that works too.
: There’s a guy near the entrance who sells a bottle mermaid along with some weapons we don’t give a fuck about. I bought them anyway because we have infinite money.
: This tent has one of the items we need in it.
: The water jug stops the constant damage you take from being in the desert. This merchant also sells a non-color version of the Color Busting Sword, which.. why would you ever use that.
: The other item we need is here, in the cow.
: The Sauros is a whopping 2,000 money. The good news is that there are NPCs strewn about who will buy all of the random crap you find in chests for money.. but honestly, just edit your save.
: This is one of those, and I don’t understand why they didn’t just.. I dunno, make all of the vendor trash one item and make one NPC who buys it. Then again, that’d be competent game design.
: This lady here sells refills for your water jug, but I don’t think you actually need to cross the desert more than once unless you’ve missed a sidequest… and there’s ways to fill it in the desert.
: Finally, way up in the corner, there’s a chest with another collection item in it.
: And now we’re in the desert. Our lizard thing is right here, so let’s get on and go.
: There’s uh.. I guess just random shirtless guys in the desert who attack you. For some reason.
: I thought I had found a stopping spot or something, but instead there’s some guy called Cameron Auld who wants to fight you. He’s a generic enemy with a shitload of HP.
Typo Counter: 131
: Right here, I run into a confusing spot. The guide tells me that the exit is to the southwest, but to go any further in that direction I’d have to abandon the lizard and jump off this ledge.
: So I do. Even though Roy’s HP has been lowered significantly from all of the enemies in the desert (there’s these peahat-looking fucks that do a shitload of contact damage) we’re barely taking damage now that we’re out of water.
: Eventually, I make it onto the world map.
: We want to go North, because that’s where the last sidequest we can do is.
: Another great heart up here, right before the spot we need to reach to make progress.
: What’s strange is that vendor trash and money still drops here, when we’ve already gone past the last place in the game that has shops.
: The first room of the castle is dark, but none of the rest of it is.
: Just like the last dungeon, this place is a maze, though it’s not quite as bad as the last one.
: There’s a bottle mermaid here, which I’m not sure why I bothered to pick up. About half of these are glitched and don’t actually count when picked up, and this is one of them.
Typo Counter: 132
: The way Roy is seemingly constantly saying “Uh… what the hell?” is pretty much my reaction to this entire game.
: Another great heart, bringing our HP up to something like 280.
Typo Counter: 133
: You might ask why I’m counting this as a new typo when I think we’ve run into this exact one before, and that’s because I suspect that each heart had this message hard-programmed into it. Some are definitely missing it.
: And that’s our collection item for this dungeon. We’ve only got a handful more to go until we finish the quest.. which has a payoff I honestly want to see.
: Here, we have another one of these fuckers. It won’t leave the raised platform and moves so quickly that you basically need to just damage race it before it kills you via contact damage.
: Once you damage it enough, the boss flees out the window.
: Four or so hits later and it’s dead, replaced with.. whatever this guy is.
: That’s a lie. I mean, you didn’t really expect Brian Allanson to program a lifesteal mechanic.. did you?
: There’s a post on the Steam forums for this game that insists the Life Mace breaks your save if you try to pull it out of your bag, so naturally I backed up the save and immediately tried this.
: Unfortunately, that no longer seems to be the case. The Life Mace is basically another generic weapon, with shorter reach than the Master Sword. It doesn’t actually have lifesteal.
: Next time, Roy goes to hell and finds the Allansons there. I’m not even kidding.