How Many Brothers Does It Take to Screw in a Lightbulb? Let's Dunk on Two Brothers Until It Breaks

To understand why I’m doing this, you’re going to need a little bit of background.

Last year, I did a Let’s Play of YIIK. I spent far longer than any sane man should playing through one of the worst RPGs ever created, coming off a year of dunking on Ni no Kuni 2.

YIIK was a fucking nightmare of a game that no one should ever play… but before YIIK, there was Two Brothers. And no, I’m not talking about serial plagiarists and self-proclaimed game developers Brian and Andrew Allanson - I’m talking about their first game. It was originally kickstarted in 2012, and then released on Steam in 2013. It was also supposed to get an Xbox 360 release, but that never happened (otherwise I’d be LPing it off my 360).

It was taken down from the Steam store shortly afterward on account of it being a poorly-designed, broken piece of shit with several game-breaking bugs and for absolutely no other reason whatsoever. The developers said the reason was that they wanted to re-make the game in Unity as “Chromophore”, which was given a release date on the Wii U. That’s how long they’ve been at it - Chromophore is even mentioned at the end of YIIK.

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Let’s be real here, Chromophore will never come out and I am eternally cursed to LP it should that ever happen. There’s been zero news on it since before YIIK came out, and since the Allansons are (apparently) working on some kind of content update to YIIK (which yes, I will drop everything and do immediately if it happens, which it won’t) I doubt they have any real resources or plans to finish Chromophore anytime soon.

So why did I decide to do this game all of a sudden? Originally, I planned to tackle it after YIIK, but I simply could not find a copy of it anywhere: I tried the grey market sites, I tried looking for a pirate copy, nothing. Then, a few days ago, my YIIK LP was featured on a video by Tehsnakerer and he somehow managed to find a copy for 10 euros. I’m happy to say I beat him by paying only 2 euros for the one Steam key I could find for it.

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With that, let’s get to dunking on this piece of shit. Now, I will warn you up front about something. This game is a broken pile of shit. I will be keeping backup copies of my save, but there’s the chance that the game’s godawful spaghetti code breaks and I become unable to progress. Thus, I’ll give the same warning I did for Gabriel Knight 3: there is a very distinct possibility I may not be able to finish this game.

This will be taking a back seat to Persona 5 Royal and anything else I might be doing. Don’t worry, I have absolutely no plans to drop P5R for any reason. I can only stomach about half an hour of this game at a time anyway. With that, let’s get to dunking on this piece of shit. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to do that.

Update 1
Update 2
Update 3
Update 4
Update 5
Update 6
Update 7
Update 8
Update 9
Update 10
Update 11

2 Likes

I think this’ll be a sadder dunking than YIIK, because while YIIK kinda oozed stupid and bad from every orifice, this at least looks like it had potential and they fucked it up by just… being bad at making video games. Either way, excited to see this.

Click Here for Update 1

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baofusaturn: Oh right, I’m going to change my icon for this one. It’s a logo I had someone make to look like Baofu’s in Innocent Sin that I had made for when Eternal Punishment comes out, because this game is my personal post-apocalyptic Sumaru City.

baofusaturn: As you can see, we’re in a pretentious hipster garbage game. This is the game’s native resolution. It will go no higher - I tried making it go full screen and that causes it crash.

CRASH COUNTER: 1

baofusaturn: I will be keeping track of how many times this game crashes and softlocks.

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baofusaturn: This game’s one saving grace is that because of the limited resolution, Andrew Allanson was limited as to how large he could make his walls of text.

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baofusaturn: Roy and his wife named wife. No, I’m not making that up.

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baofusaturn: This is a euphemism for masturbation, isn’t it.

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baofusaturn: Like I said, it’s not so bad, even though I don’t know why they make it sound like we’re walking into Innsmouth. In reality, this isn’t so much a Lovecraft ripoff as it is a ripoff of Shadow of the Colossus.

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baofusaturn: Talking to people in this game is broken. There’s no “talk” button. Roy has exactly two buttons: Sword and Arrow. Also yes, his wife is apparently named “Loving Wife”.

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baofusaturn: Instead of giving us, you know, actual dialog options we get something that looks like Today’s Shy Look from Lobotomy Corporation.

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baofusaturn: I picked the “crying face” option and this happens, and then the dialog box goes away. There’s no way to make it come back except to wait.

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baofusaturn: NPCs will also react to you slashing them with your sword.

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baofusaturn: Hitting the “smiling face” option causes Your Wife to join the party. I’m already confused: is her name “Your Wife” or “Loving Wife”? Is one of those a Peace Walker-style codename? Is this like Something Awful where her name is actually “Fucking Wife” but the board wordfilters “Fuck”? Let’s go with that.

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baofusaturn: Fucking Wife will also warn us if we start going the wrong way. This is an amazingly prescient bit of game design (which doesn’t really matter because everything is walled off) that the Allansons will forget about in… three minutes.

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baofusaturn: This is where I tried to maximize the window and the game crashed.

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baofusaturn: I picked the “smiling face” option on the second run, but I don’t get why this is here other than a really cheap attempt to make it seem like Roy cares about Fucking Wife even though he doesn’t ever refer to her by her name.

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baofusaturn: Again, you can’t have a fucking romance scene when one of the characters in it doesn’t even have a fucking name!

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baofusaturn: No! Bad Allansons! Bad! No having characters that speak in fucking emoticons!

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baofusaturn: You can’t see it, but Fucking Wife gets hit by a projectile from that thing to the left.

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baofusaturn: RIP Fucking Wife, put in a fridge before she even had a name.

Roy : “My loving wife… I’m sorry… I didn’t see the the trap… I was careless.”

baofusaturn: I’ll be using an icon of a different Roy for Roy, since the sprites are so low-def you can barely tell them apart at a glance.

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baofusaturn: This sound familiar at all? Guy with a sword and a dead girlfriend/wife being contacted by a strange entity that claims it can bring her back?

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baofusaturn: So what you’re asking him is if he wants to… yaranaika?

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baofusaturn: Could this be a statement about how much Roy actually valued his wife? Seriously, could it? With the Allansons there’s about a fifty-fifty chance it’s actual foreshadowing.

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baofusaturn: Roy is then crushed by a giant fish. I kind of wish this had happened to Alex in YIIK. This also means there’s a fountain in Frankton in YIIK dedicated to a character who was on screen for all of maybe four minutes.

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baofusaturn: “Ackk” as in “Ackk! This game sucks!”

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baofusaturn: These are all people who also worked on YIIK, I think.

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baofusaturn: This whole thing has auto-advancing dialog and I didn’t capture all of it. Fortunately, I don’t need to.

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baofusaturn: Why, you ask? Because this is plagiarized straight from Merriam-Webster’s definition of “life”. Word for word.

baofusaturn: Yes, I checked and there’s no reference list, not even a kinda-hidden one like in YIIK. It’s funny how I could tell immediately that they plagiarized this from somewhere.

PLAGIARISM COUNTER: 2

baofusaturn: I’m incrementing the Plagiarism Counter because we already know about the Shadow of the Colossus song but I don’t know where that comes in so I’m including it from the get-go. Just like YIIK, if you spot any plagiarism, please let me know.

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baofusaturn: I want to get an update out before I go to bed, so we’ll stop here. Next time: Confusing bullshit! Bad game design! Me getting stuck for like 10 minutes out of the 30 I spent recording!

1 Like

Oh trust me, you’ll lose any sympathy you might’ve had by the end of the second update. There’s not really a single original idea in this game, and the thing they get closest to being original gets squandered on this godawful shitpit of spaghetti code and plagiarism.

I’m not defending this game in any stretch, beaucse just directly copying it word for word is dumb, but… I mean it’s the dictionary. You can’t exactly plagiarize a reference document dedicated to just containing the most base understanding of all words.

I’ll be honest if they gave Wife a name this’d have the beginnings of a good opening. They needed, ironically enough given the text vomit that these writers tended to do, more dialogue to show how focused Roy is on finding this large fish, to make that cruel wish twist kinda thing work.

Is her first name Loving or Your? This inconsistency is pulling me out of the narrative.

I agree that it’s kind of a nitpick, because most people in real academia don’t use dictionary definitions in their papers. At the K-12 level (where this does happen), most teachers will tell you that copying out of the dictionary without some kind of attribution is plagiarism. In this case, I’m going to go with that because I feel like the Merriam-Webster definition is distinct enough from other dictionaries that I could tell exactly which source they’d copied it from.

That’s kind of how it always is with the Allansons. They get kinda close to something that could’ve been good, and then they squander it.

Clearly her first name is Fucking.

1 Like

I think I figured out where the Brothers Allanson got their inspiration for this game…

Click Here for Update 2

stdrt 2020-09-30 21-31-35-71

baofusaturn: We’re now in the Game Over Zone, aka “the afterlife”. This was where Alex YIIKESman wound up in Ending A of YIIK.

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baofusaturn: The only things in this room are this bed and a warp tile that’s just off screen.

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baofusaturn: Taking the warp tile puts us here, and I was stuck here for a good 10 minutes.

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baofusaturn: If you wander around here, Roy will just repeat these two lines over and over. You can’t interact with anything apart from trying to slash the statues with Roy’s sword.

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baofusaturn: The answer is that you’re supposed to just start walking on air. God dammit why did I have to use the whole “walking on sunshine / broken glass” joke in Persona 5?

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baofusaturn: This thing in the corner looks like something you’re supposed to be able to reach, but you can’t. There’s an invisible wall.

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baofusaturn: So what are you supposed to do here? I couldn’t capture it because it happens at random, but what’ll happen is that if you walk on air, Roy will eventually fall to his doom and wind up back in the Game Over Zone. You have two do this TWICE.

baofusaturn: Now, I will admit that both Snatcher and Policenauts did this, where you had to stay in an area and just kind of do random stuff until something happens. This is egregious though because it won’t happen on its own.

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baofusaturn: On your third time back here, this guy will appear. I checked the video I was taking of this and he does not appear here until your third time back.

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baofusaturn: Roy’s happy to be dead. It means he might get out of being in an Allanson game.

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baofusaturn: Which wife? Loving Wife? Your Wife? Fucking Wife?

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baofusaturn: Is she a baby? Is she a gun? Is she a train? Is she a car? Did she shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die?

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baofusaturn: What is he, Sae Niijima?

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baofusaturn: Ah, there’s that quality Allanson writing where everyone has perfect recall of exactly how long it’s been since any given event in time.

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baofusaturn: You might notice that this game’s font is kind of shit. It has a real problem differentiating between commas and periods.

Roy: “Each day I begin to fear this new obsession has no end… no result. However, after receiving a promising letter I will depart Kalta in hopes of finding my brother Bivare, who believes he has found information that is relevant to my cause.”

baofusaturn: Who the fuck talks like this? I get that Roy is a scientist and basically sees science as a religion, but still.

Roy: “Some are saying my research is worthless and insane, but I hope my journey will prove them wrong.”

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baofusaturn: Roy is the kind of person who performs surgery on himself to store his money.

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baofusaturn: There’s a couple of open doors in the hallway, but we don’t really care. They’re just NPCs who tell Roy to fuck off.

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baofusaturn: This is another part where I got stuck for a good few seconds. As previously mentioned, there is no button to actually interact with people. We can’t talk to Silvia.

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baofusaturn: What you have to do is try to leave, and then they’ll start talking.

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Typo Counter: 1 (missing apostrophe in “mind’s”)

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baofusaturn: A Mars Volta concert seems like a bad place to meet your brother. Or, you know, to do much of anything.

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baofusaturn: Welcome to the Town of Kaita, or maybe Kalta. I have no idea. Let’s walk around and talk to some dumb NPCs that will immediately destroy any sense of a serious plot.

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baofusaturn: Fuck, how out of date were the Allansons? This would almost be a time period-appropriate “joke” for YIIK to have made.

baofusaturn: It’s a reference to when Wind Waker came out and a bunch of games journalists at the time (I remember it being in Electronic Gaming Monthly) derided it as “too cartoony” and “kiddie”. Wind Waker came out in 2002.

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baofusaturn: Let’s just leave town, and…

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baofusaturn: Oh god. We’re back to Andrew Allanson trying to fill absolutely every blank space like he’s Tim Buckley. Look how badly aligned this is. This isn’t from me fucking with the resolution because you can’t.

baofusaturn: Also god dammit, Roy! What the fuck is your wife’s name?! Is it Jane Wife? Jane Loving Wife? Jane My Wife? Jane Fucking Wife? Jane Fucking My Wife? Is Wife her maiden name? Which one fucking is it, Allanson? WHICH ONE IS IT!?

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baofusaturn: So I want to know, is he narrating this to the tree because no one gives a single fuck about Roy Rogers here?

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baofusaturn: We have seemingly a couple of choices as to where to go. The panda is Kalta Town, and the bridge-looking thing up ahead is the road to Volta. That wagon on the right, though…

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baofusaturn: The wagon brings you here, to a code entry screen. You enter the code by standing on the letter and pressing the sword button. The code is AABBAA, which sounds like the code an idiot would use on their luggage… or maybe a reference to how much Andrew Allanson loves Dancing Queen.

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baofusaturn: This brings us to… HELL. There’s a song that plays here and it is EGREGIOUSLY bad. The game resets its volume settings every time you load it, and its default volume is AS HIGH AS FUCKING POSSIBLE. I will make a recording of this because I think it beats the King’s Quest V Town Theme for worst song in a videogame.

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baofusaturn: I’d like to point out that entering HELL reduced our life level. Anyway, this is a hall of random people who apparently either paid to be in here or are friends of the Allansons. Let’s just see how much they paid, and…

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baofusaturn: Oh christ. You poor, unfortunate morons. You complete dipshits who gave the Allansons $100 each to be in one of the worst games ever and be forever cursed.

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baofusaturn: This seriously looks like something out of Habbo Hotel.

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baofusaturn: There’s roughly three clusters of poor, unfortunate souls who are forever trapped in this game. I mean, apart from me and anyone else who ever LPed YIIK.

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Typo Counter: 2 (It’s “a lot”. With a space.)

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baofusaturn: I have no idea who these people are. There was no separate Kickstarter tier for being an item, so I assume that these are people the Allansons know.

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baofusaturn: Let’s just get out of there before my headphones explode.

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baofusaturn: On the next episode of Dipshit Ball Z, we’ll head to Volta and probably wish we hadn’t. I’ll record the Hell Theme and then spend a few days in therapy in the meantime.

baofusaturn: By the way, while navigating the Kickstarter for this game, I found this.

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baofusaturn: If you are one of the two people unfortunate enough to have backed at this tier, please sell me the art. I will pay you $1 for it, plus $250 to a charity of your choice. My Twitter is @TimrodDX.

Wait a second… a movie… from 1999… nah, can’t be. I don’t think the Allansons know that 1999 existed.

Certainly not the worst song I’ve heard, but… they definitely failed at capturing the specific jazz-y aesthetic they were trying for here.

Click Here for Update 3

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baofusaturn: Free from Kickstarter Hell, we can take the road to Volta.

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baofusaturn: Like everything the Allansons have ever made, this dungeon is significantly longer and significantly more empty than it has any reason to be.

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baofusaturn: The way this game works, it doesn’t clear the dialog box until you run into something else that fills it up. Therefore, we’ll have this line on screen for quite a while.

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baofusaturn: I dove down the hole to see if it was a secret.

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baofusaturn: Doing so reduces you to 1HP.

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baofusaturn: We can push a box out of the way and talk to some lady who is bathing in a hot spring. I thought this might be a recovery point, but no, it’s just another Allanson brand NPC to make a dumb gag about a man in the women’s baths - the sign right by her says “Women’s bath, no men allowed”.

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baofusaturn: Unlike the games it is clearly “inspired” from, you can’t find health pickups anywhere. They’re only in chests.

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baofusaturn: I then bump into this guy, who hits Roy for a quarter of his HP.

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baofusaturn: North of that guy are two chests with spiders in them. These damage you when you open them and then spawn spiders that can damage you if they touch you. You learn pretty quickly that Roy’s arrows are the best way to kill anything because the sword doesn’t have any kind of knockback.

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baofusaturn: The second cave has two chests with money in it. I’m not entirely sure if money in this game is real or a gag or what - there’s no shops in Volta.

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baofusaturn: The two chests on the left have hearts in them.

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baofusaturn: He’s referring to the tile sticking up from the grass right in front of him that triggers the big, obvious arrow trap right next to it.

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baofusaturn: Touching that path to the right will automatically put us on the world map again.

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baofusaturn: Volta is the source of a convoluted quest chain which I did out of order. I’m going to put it in order so it makes sense.

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baofusaturn: First, we need to head here, to the Pelican Bar.

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baofusaturn: Not to be confused with this one, which just has a dumb NPC in it.

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baofusaturn: Once you go into the Pelican Bar, you have to immediately try and leave. This triggers a flag for the bartender to give you a letter.

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baofusaturn: God dammit. This is a direct ripoff of a similar thing in Earthbound, when you get the Trout Yogurt machine in Fourside from a deliveryman who just kind of doesn’t give a shit. Because, you know, asking the Allansons to come up with a single original idea is too much.

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baofusaturn: The major breakthrough is that he’s going to kill himself. I’m not even joking.

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baofusaturn: The only direction we can go other than back to Kalta is to this road block.

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baofusaturn: Just off-screen from the worker is a building shaped like an octopus. This is the Kelby Water House.

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baofusaturn: This is another hint as to what we’re supposed to do.

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baofusaturn: Back in Volta, we have to push this woman all the way into a giant dead fish that’s just to the right of this screen.

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baofusaturn: We need to push her to the Fish King, who for some reason is different than the giant fish that killed Roy earlier.

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baofusaturn: We’ve done the stupid excuse for a puzzle, but now we have to do something even dumber: we have to find Two Brothers’ inventory system. The Allansons were far too good for a simple menu.

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baofusaturn: The inventory system is a guy named Mark, who is a generic sprite in a field of generic sprites in the Pelican Bar.

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baofusaturn: This stuffy city with like, three whole buildings in it.

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Typo Counter: 4

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baofusaturn: Let me show you how the inventory system works. As long as Mark is with us, we can press C and have Roy dive into his backpack.

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baofusaturn: You can see the two stairs leading to the equipment rooms. Our items are in the top-right corner.

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baofusaturn: Down here, I equip the Krobroc Blade. From what I understand, the Giant Foam Finger (another item in Kickstarter Hell) is very weak damage-wise. While it looks like the hitbox on this should be gigantic, it can only hit one enemy at a time even if multiple enemies are in it. It also doesn’t extend as far as the sprite does.

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baofusaturn: This is what the finger looks like in action. The other two items are the dagger we started with and an axe that has a really short hitbox and is only questionably useful.

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baofusaturn: And with that, Mark fucks off. This means we can’t change weapons, and the Krobroc Blade does have one downside in that it can’t cut grass. Oh well.

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Typo Counter: 6

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Typo Counter: 7

baofusaturn: That crack in the wall can be hit to make a ladder, but I had no real reason to do it. Also, I have no idea what exactly “walking sword combo” is. There’s a special move with the sword if you press both the sword and arrow buttons at the same time.

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baofusaturn: We can then drop down further, into…

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baofusaturn: Rats. Rats take three arrows to kill and are generally pretty annoying. It’s better to just treat this like a survival horror game and run past everything. It’s not like there’s EXP or levels or rewards for killing things. I guess it is a survival horror game and the horror is the writing and game design.

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baofusaturn: Just take these lines in. This sounds like something you’d hear in Dirge of Cerberus, or like… some teenager’s vampire fanfiction.

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baofusaturn: This entire area down here is full of armored guys who deflect arrows. I made the mistake of fighting a bunch of them before I remembered this isn’t Persona 5.

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baofusaturn: What the fuck IS this shit? Seriously, is Roy supposed to be an edgelord? He didn’t seem like it, but now he’s going full-on Shadow the Hedgehog. I mean, I know this is an Allanson Brothers game and we can’t expect things like consistent characterization.

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baofusaturn: Anyway, once you leave the cave there’s another generic armor enemy. I’m not entirely sure you even have to fight him. One of my problems with this game now that combat is a thing is that I don’t think the Allansons understood why games like Zelda and Metroid have combat at all.

baofusaturn: The point of combat in those games is usually as a gating mechanism - they put in enemies that are difficult to beat without having certain items. If you’re running into enemies you can’t beat, that’s signposting to go find an item that will let you beat them. You see this a lot in Super Metroid speedruns, because a lot of Super Metroid speedrunning (especially in low% categories) is bypassing enemies you’re supposed to have super missiles and power bombs for.

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baofusaturn: Here’s an arrow switch. This is another mechanic where I’m not entirely sure why it exists: it’s not a gate because we have arrows equipped by default. The only way I could ever see this being a thing is if we go into a dungeon and lose our arrows for some reason… but then why show them off this early?

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baofusaturn: North of that room is a cave with an axe in it. Even though it says we “equipped” the axe, it doesn’t actually equip the axe. I’m not even certain that this is a different weapon than the axe we saw in the weapons room.

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baofusaturn: Outside are some more chests with money and a broken glass idol. I have no idea what they do, because our ability to access Roy’s inventory is nonexistent right now.

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baofusaturn: There’s a two-way path with an armor guy in it. We want to take the one on the left - the one on the right just leads to a health drop.

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baofusaturn: This is where you first have to break a wall to make a ladder - there’s no signposting for this anywhere. I honestly assumed you had to find bombs or something to blow the wall up, but no, you just attack it.

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baofusaturn: Once you start moving to the left, hordes of enemies start spawning. Bivare will throw knives (you can see one next to Roy’s weapon) for minimal damage. There’s no point fighting - just keep moving.

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baofusaturn: Six or seven screens of enemies later, we reach a ladder.

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Typo Counter: 8

baofusaturn: Next time, we’ll witness Bivare’s master plan and set sail for adventure, and by adventure I mean more screens full of enemies we have no reason to fight.

Okay now that we’re getting into the actual meat of how this game works… healing is only in chests, physical combat has no knock back, enemies do too much damage… yeah this game is just… miserable to play, it looks like.

The bug of the text just… not going away is obnoxious as hell.

The worst part is, I have no idea whether or not all of that was an intentional design choice. Lots of games in the NES/early Gameboy era (which is clearly the aesthetic they’re going for) had that kind of thing, but I don’t think anyone, even back in the late 80s/early 90s, thought that was acceptable game design.

I actually lost sleep thinking about this last night. Were the Allansons going for an intentionally terrible combat system, where they were trying to point out that a lot of people’s rosy memories about older games are clouded by nostalgia? (I doubt it.) Were they going for something like Resident Evil where combat is intentionally pointless and a waste of time, and thus the best thing to do is bypass it even if it means taking a hit? (I also doubt it.)

Here’s my best guess. The Allansons were focused on telling a story first, as ham-fisted and kind of nonsensical as the story has been so far (and trust me, it’s going to get a LOT dumber) and everything else kind of came second. They were under pressure from the fact that their first game was a Kickstarter and they’d already given themselves a 2013 deadline to get it finished… but instead of just announcing a delay, they decided they were going to make that ship date at all costs and this is what we got.

I’m probably going to do an entire post-mortem on this game at some point, including a side update on why they didn’t learn enough from this game when they made YIIK and why Ackk as a studio is still (regrettably) seemingly headed in the wrong direction.

1 Like

Click Here for Update 4

stdrt 2020-10-03 16-03-12-83

baofusaturn: In the interest of saving space, I’ll start using dialog icons instead of full screenshots. Bivare’s is Bidoof, but only because I couldn’t find a good picture of a bivalve.

Roy: “What have you gotten yourself into?”

Bivare: “I’ll explain all that later.”

Roy: :frowning:

Bivare: “Is this what you really came here to talk about?”

Bivare: “Listen, I’ve been thinking about the whole “other colors” thing. And I’ve decided I need more information.”

Roy: “I’ve already described in detail every thing that I saw.”

Bivare: “I know, and your notes were detailed, as I would expect… but I have a way for me to obtain more… direct evidence.”

baofusaturn: Even in a game with minimal space for text, they’re still repeating themselves.

Roy: “…”

Bivare: “There is no other way to describe this phenomenon. You said so yourself.”

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baofusaturn: I think I accidentally hit the middle option, but let’s be fair here, I think we’d all select the one on the right. Go get 'em, tiger! Get yourself out of this godawful trash fire!

Roy: “Have you lost it? – wait – This is crazy! We’re not even entirely sure how this works.”

baofusaturn: I don’t know if the “–wait–” is a stage direction that got left in or what, but that’s exactly how it is in the game.

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baofusaturn: One thing I should mention here. All this text, in the yellow boxes? It scrolls at approximately two characters per second. This first text box took something like half a minute to finish. There is no way to speed it up (edit: on a second run, I found that Z speeds it up). I’ll tell you when the yellow boxes are done, but for full effect, please take at least half a minute to read each of the following lines.

Bivare: “This is the most significant scientific discovery of all time!”

Bivare: “Proof… of… so many things I once never thought possible!”

baofusaturn: Here’s my question. If both Roy and Bivare went to the magic Game Over Dimension when they died, does that mean that Fucking Wife could’ve come back but just chose not to?

Roy: “Bivare! You’re safe!”

Bivare: “Roy, this is life changing. This knowledge can lead to so many things! There is only one issue.”

Roy: “How do we prove it?”

baofusaturn: Jonestown, anyone? Anyway, here’s Tehsnakerer’s favorite line, and it’s kind of my favorite line too.

stdrt 2020-10-03 16-05-02-46

baofusaturn: If I didn’t know that the Allansons were both godawful at writing, I’d say this line almost works… except that Bivare just offed himself because his brother told him that it would send him to the magic Game Over Dimension.

baofusaturn: Actually, hold on a second. How the hell did Roy get here? Did he off himself off screen?

Bivare: “My thoughts exactly. They’ll say we’re crazy.”

Roy: “They already say that about me… ever since I told them of my findings.”

Bivare: “I always believed you, Roy. You experienced a great loss, and they couldn’t see past that.”

baofusaturn: You might think this is about the Allanson’s mother dying of cancer, but that hadn’t happened yet. The diagnosis might’ve, but I’m not so sure about that.

Roy: “…Never mind that. Did you see that?”

Bivare: “Wait… Roy… that’s… I can see the Bay! We’re right above our home.”

baofusaturn: Apparently, dying in the world of Two Brothers is equivalent to when an admin on a TF2 server hits the “teleport everyone into the skybox” button.

Roy: “Biv, did you see that color before? It came from the island south of the bay…”

baofusaturn: At least it’s not The Color Out Of Space.

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baofusaturn: Ignore the fact that the dialog box isn’t loaded yet. I took this just to show that the rainbow ring flashes on and off.

Bivare: “There! I saw it! Do you think… do you think we could find what’s creating that colored light?”

Roy: “Bivare. I don’t know how these colors are even possible… I… I am afraid to toy with this.”

baofusaturn: Roy totally behaving like a scientist who practically follows science as a religion, and also someone who didn’t just kill himself for the sole purpose of being able to see colors.

Bivare: “This is quite literally the most dangerous experiment we’ve done, that’s for sure.”

Roy: “… I am determined to prove this…”

Bivare: “Roy, how do you get back?”

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baofusaturn: And that’s the end of the yellow boxes.

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baofusaturn: So I may have been avoiding permafucks in Persona 5, but I ran into one right here. It’s not only a game-breaking bug, it’s also a bug that renders your save useless because it forces you into a softlock.

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baofusaturn: Roy and Bivare get on a giant turtle and sail away… and then my game crashes because I may or may not have accidentally hit the “full screen” key (it’s F1 and all it does is crash the game). Oops, I forgot to back up my save. So I reload…

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baofusaturn: Now, notice that the game says it autosaves at every doorway. We should be fine, right? We just passed two doorways on the way to the turtle.

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baofusaturn: Okay, so we’ve got both Roy and Bivare, there’s the items we had… let’s load the data.

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baofusaturn: That… doesn’t look like the bay. I think the game dumped us here because we were in a cutscene zone when the game crashed and it didn’t know where to put us.

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baofusaturn: So I go through the entire update a second time. No problem, it’s only a few minutes. There’s some stuff I forgot to show: like how there’s orbs you have to hit to open doors, but it’s pretty minor.

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baofusaturn: When we get to Bivare on the bridge, he’s… still there. But he’s also behind us. Clearly, Bivare is like Naruto in that he can do the whole Kage Bunshin no Jutsu shadow clone deal.

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baofusaturn: Yeah, about that… maybe you should merge with your clone or something…

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baofusaturn: We get in the house and the game softlocks. I can’t move because the game spawned Bivare on the same tile it spawned Roy, and it locks me here because I’m pretty sure there’s an invisible wall on the tile above us. We can’t leave, we can’t progress.

baofusaturn: When I tried to reload, the game did the same thing, only this time it spawned me on the screen where you meet Bivare on the bridge. Clearly, the whole “saves at every doorway” thing is a lie.

baofusaturn: This is unfortunately a save-breaking bug. This save is permafucked, and I’m going to have to restart the entire game. This time, I’m going to see if I can set something up to automatically copy the save file when I open the game.

GAME-BREAKING BUGS: 1
PERMAFUCKED SAVES: 1

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baofusaturn: On my second run, I took a look at the save. There’s a thing for “level” which you’d think would be for some kind of EXP system. It’s not. What it does is tell the game where you are: theoretically if I knew where the end was I could just warp there.

baofusaturn: See that thing under ‘itemsV’ where it says “goodbye=1”? That’s a variable for whether or not you talked to Silvia on the way out of the inn at the start of the game. The thing under “ObtainNot” is for marking which chests you’ve gotten. It seems to only be for chests with money in them. “sh=” is the amount of money we have, and supposedly there’s shops later so I can edit this to 999999 and save us some time.

baofusaturn: People have said that while you CAN edit Roy’s health, you don’t want to do that because there’s some events where Roy has to die for the story to progress.

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baofusaturn: On my second run, I found out a couple of things. The first is that the Guide is actually in the Game Over Realm from the start - I don’t know if the falling part is a glitch or not.

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baofusaturn: Second is that you can in fact find hearts in grass.

Click Here For Update 5

stdrt 2020-10-05 19-01-52-23

baofusaturn: And welcome back to Two Brothers, now that I’ve completely restarted the game from scratch. Hoo boy are we in for some bullshit today. Assuming this guy’s complete save file I found on the Steam forums is right, we’ll be about a quarter of the way done with this game by the end of this update.

Roy: “It will inspire many questions… how do our eyes perceive these colors? What made them?”

Bivare: “Indeed, but let’s try not to get ahead of ourselves.”

Roy: “That’s what science is all about. Getting excited about new ideas!”

Bivare: “And getting let down by them when they don’t pan out.”

Roy: “Touche! Well, there is only one way to find out.”

Bivare: “I think we need to be careful now. Let’s not have excitement cloud our judgement.”

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Typo Counter: 9 (missing a space between “after” and “all”)

Bivare: “Yeah. I did just drive a knife into my chest to see ‘new colors’.”

Roy: “Yes, don’t do that anymore. We’re dealing with unexplored facets of science.”

Bivare: “…When I was up there I couldn’t imagine a way back…”

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baofusaturn: Today, we’ll be doing the first dungeon, which has some GODAWFUL signposting. I actually had to find a video of it to get past it. It’s real bad. First, there’s a cave with some hearts and a sign telling us to go into the Eagle Shrine.

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baofusaturn: Everything is walled off, and there’s only really one way to go.

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baofusaturn: There’s three doors out of the entry area. The left and right ones are pointless - they lead to rooms full of enemies that have nothing in them.

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baofusaturn: This is the left room, as an example.

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baofusaturn: Going up puts us in another room full of enemies. They’re pretty easy to dodge.

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baofusaturn: That puts us in this room. It’s got these raised pillars that are controlled by the squares on the floor. Going over a square activates it, changing the position of the pillars but also turning the square into a wall.

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baofusaturn: On the left is this guy, who left the signpost behind in that cave. We can take his sword, but can’t equip it because Mark isn’t here.

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baofusaturn: On my way to the right side, Roy manages to get stuck between a pillar and the floor switch.

Softlock Counter: 2

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baofusaturn: On the other side from the old man is this room, which has a switch, a closed door, and…

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baofusaturn: An arrow statue. You can push these just like you would anything else.

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baofusaturn: Opening the door puts us in here, which is a room with spiked walls that swiftly close in on you. None of the orbs or floor switches do anything, and we promptly die.

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baofusaturn: Apparently, the water woman we met in Volta died when we fed her to the Fish King. Roy’s an asshole.

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baofusaturn: There’s also a telescope up here which lets you see the world map.

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baofusaturn: There’s a heart here we can eat for more max HP. I figured out how these work: each great heart boosts your max HP by 20. You start with 20 max HP, so we’re now at 60.

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baofusaturn: Anyway, I couldn’t figure out how to solve the wall room. There’s a bug where if you leave the wall room after going to the Game Over Zone, the game will softlock if you go back in. I had this happen twice.

Softlock Counter: 4

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baofusaturn: We then wind up here, in a room with a bunch of things in the wall shooting at us.

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baofusaturn: I solved this room without immediately realizing I had. What you have to do is attack the gear in the corner, which raises the chandelier thing and reveals a switch.

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baofusaturn: This puts us on the other side of this wall room. What the game doesn’t tell you is that like the speedrun glitch in Link to the Past, you can actually walk over those thin pieces of terrain connecting the two platforms. This is intentional - there’s a sign later that will tell us this.

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baofusaturn: This puts us in another floor switch room. There’s a door you can’t see just off screen to the north. The switches toggle it from open to closed, so what you have to do is make a circuit around the room and then it’ll open the door up top.

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baofusaturn: Remember Zelda, guys? REMEMBER IT? HUH? DO YOU? DO YOU? CLAP, SEALS, CLAP!

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Bivare: “…I didn’t expect this.”

Roy: “It’s not here?”

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Typo Counter: 10 (Missing a comma)

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baofusaturn: This? This is some fucking godawful signposting. I assumed that you needed an item to beat the closing wall room, and that this was somehow what you needed to do that. In fact, we’re not done here. The developers kind of assumed that you’d figure out the incredibly stupid gimmick behind the wall room first.

Bivare: “It must be somewhere else on the island, right?”

Roy: “I guess so.”

Bivare: “Well we can’t just stay here all day.”

stdrt 2020-10-05 19-11-15-45

baofusaturn: So now that’s two times where the game has outright told us that we’re done here… only we’re not at all.

baofusaturn: At this point, I got really fucking confused. I tried the wall room once more, couldn’t figure it out, then assumed maybe it was some kind of joke.

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baofusaturn: I had to look up a video, and the answer is incredibly stupid and not at all signposted properly. What you’re supposed to do… is give up and attack the door to break it down.

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baofusaturn: Because the Allansons hadn’t ripped off Zelda hard enough, the stairs behind the crushing wall lead to a side-scrolling section.

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baofusaturn: NOW we’re done here. Note that even though we “mailed it” to Mark, we have the key on us.

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baofusaturn: This is where we’re supposed to use the gear.

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Typo Counter: 11 (It’s “beetle” and I don’t think this is meant to be a reference)

baofusaturn: I had an idea of what to do with this boss right away, but I couldn’t get it to work.

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baofusaturn: I couldn’t get a good shot of it, so I borrowed one from the Youtube video. Somehow, they made the resolution higher. Anyway, hitting the giant beetle makes it open a door in its chest. The door is EXTREMELY FUCKING FINICKY. Sometimes it’d only work if I was to the left of the door, sometimes it’d work if I went right in.

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baofusaturn: This puts you in a room with the beetle’s heart, which you can hit a few times before you get ejected and have to restart the process. You can see I only had a bit of health - this is because missing the door damages you. Thankfully, if you die, you respawn in the same room with full health. What I’d recommend is just setting your HP to 99999 in the save file and then re-setting it to 80 (not 60) afterward.

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baofusaturn: Once the beetle dies, it leaves behind its heart.

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Typo Counter: 12

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baofusaturn: We are then ejected from the shrine and smash through the floor outside.

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Bivare: “It was in the belly of this shrine.”

Roy: “I-- this is incredible…”

Bivare: “It hurts… Roy, don’t look at it! It will drive you mad! Cover it quickly!”

baofusaturn: There’s almost no way this isn’t a Color Out Of Space reference. I linked the Wikipedia page for it earlier, but it’s Lovecraft story about a meteorite that hits a farm in Massachusetts and starts spreading this indescribable color that makes people go crazy and mutates animals.

Roy: “Right…”

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Roy: “I did! My brain couldn’t process what I was seeing. Everything was so fuzzy.”

Bivare: “This is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen… I ever imagined! Roy…”

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Typo Counter: 13 (Bivare is talking to himself and he’s not meant to be)

Bivare: “Exactly. Roy, when I was dead, I saw colors glowing from the far reaches of the earth.”

baofusaturn: WE KNOW! IT HAPPENED ENTIRELY ON SCREEN!

Roy: “And you want to find them all?”

Bivare: “We’ll need to find a place to keep this secret and safe. Do you even have to ask? Let’s get out of here…”

baofusaturn: Before you ask, no. I didn’t transcribe that out of order. That’s how it is in the game. I don’t think the Allansons even read through their own script given how many typos and just general fucking nonsense is in it.

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baofusaturn: Yeah, okay. So you’ve got something you think is The Color Out Of Space and you… put it in your jacket. Makes sense.

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baofusaturn: In a good game, they would’ve done something cool with this. Maybe they would’ve made it so that the ocean is now colored in, or show that Roy sees the world differently now that he’s seen… teal. Also, I have no idea why Bivare has a gear jammed in his head. Maybe that’s why he was talking to himself.

Bivare: “You’re as shocked as I am!”

Roy: “Where… where do we keep it…?”

Bivare: “It’s clearly a priceless object… so we need to keep it near us at all times.”

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Typo Counter: 14

Bivare: “Not thinking about selling it already are you, Roy?”

Roy: “Of course not. It is completely priceless.”

Bivare: “So what do we call this beautiful shade of… of…”

Roy: “Jane.”

Bivare: “Jane…? Yes. I think she would like that.”

Roy: “…”

Bivare: “Where should we head now?”

Roy: “I would like to speak to our old mentor, Prof. Ulu.”

Bivare: “I don’t know if it would be a great idea for you to go back to Academia already…”

Roy: “Why, even with this proof you still think they’d deny my findings?”

Bivare: “Luckily, I don’t think we have to find out… last I heard, Prof. Ulu was working on a dig North of Egg Harbor.”

baofusaturn: Real creative place naming there. Egg Harbor (or by its full name, Egg Harbor Township) is a town in New Jersey right next to Atlantic City. I don’t know that the Allansons are from there, but given that YIIK takes place in New Jersey, it’s probably safe to say they are.

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baofusaturn: Next time, we go to New Jersey.

Well, thank goodness for small favours. And by favours we mean “bare necessity game mechanics”.

I’ll be honest I genuinely thought it WAS going to happen… the fact that it hasn’t is actually really shitty. Especially after what seems like a… utterly miserable experience in the first dungeon. Good lord.

(with regards to Sid)

Bivare: What is this? Some giant beatle?
Will Smith as Deadshot: Some kinda Suicide Squad?

Still waiting for the line the game was clearly based around. Maybe it happened and I missed it.

ROY: Gee, Biv…

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