So I would have closed the polls and called a winner, but uh
I’ll leave the polls open until someone comes and breaks this tie. In the meantime, does anybody have a better idea for tiebreaking than “wait for another voter?”
EDIT: Thank you mysterious tiebreaker, and congratulations to @Esotericbanana for winning with 26% of the vote!
Now, EsotericBanana, please give us your problem as soon as possible so that we can give you all sorts of wonderful advice.
Before we get a new question for the thread, I want to thank everyone for giving me such Great Advice™ and completely 100% solving my problem with 0 repercussions. (Seriously though there were a lot of hilarious responses and it was hard to pick just one when voting)
Thank you for the win. I hope that house fire works out for you, Shmoo.
So my future wife sells beauty products on Facebook. She wants to make a live video with me where I do her makeup, but I know nothing about makeup and I’m also terrible on camera.
Can you afford a good brain surgeon? If so, you may be able to employ their services to swap the brains of both you and your wife. With her practiced muscle memory, doing her makeup should be a breeze.
Hire Daniel Day-Lewis to portray you for the video. He’ll sink so deeply into the role of you that your wife won’t even be able to tell it’s someone else. Plus, being an actor, he has plenty of makeup experience.
You have to fake your own death to give yourself time to do makeup professionally. Then, you find someone who looks a fair bit like yourself and use your newfound makeup skills to make them look exactly like yourself and have them do the video. That way, you avoid having to go on camera.
Now granted, there may be some questions as to how you survived and where you’ve been, but the mystery will probably translate to good publicity so you can answer those questions later. There’s also the chance that the person you found is also terrible at doing makeup, and in that case you’ll have to use the evil twin excuse after the show.
Okay, what you need to do is cut off your own face and put it on your fiance’s face. That way when you screw up the make up on camera you are only making yourself look awful.
Do you have a cute dog or cat? Just film that and do the job off-camera. If you’re too nervous to speak, have the fiancée narrate what’s happening. This way, it doesn’t even have to be good, as long as your pets are cute.
convince your future wife to let you be on camera as a chin puppet, and specialize in putting make up on others as a chin puppet in chin puppet college
Getting that eyeliner perfect is hard. Contouring is harder. You know what type of makeup is more forgiving? Full face juggalo makeup. Sure, there is some genuine artistry in it, but given that it’s white face makeup with black shapes, it’s a lot more forgiving for someone who isn’t a makeup expert. Plus it shows off the versatility of your soon-to-be bride’s products. Everyone knows makeup will make you ready for work or a night on the town. But makeup that will get you ready for a gathering of the juggalos and, ultimately, the Dark Carnival? Now that’s something you need.
Alright you’re gonna have to pool some money but the faster way to get good at makeup with a formal education is to google “mortuary science” and then spend a few years getting a degree in mortuary sciences. You’ll learn how to make corpses look beautiful before they spend a decade rotting in the ground and learn marketable skills for a new career!
Just a heads up, some of the stuff you’ll learn might not be applicable to living people. Like I know for a fact that you superglue eyelids shut so the corpse looks like they’re resting and that might not be the best thing to do to your wife. However, this works pretty damn well if you want to make your wife disabled in the process so you can get a handicapped sign for your car.
This one is pretty simple. First, you’re going to need to learn the art of feng shui-really get to know the ins and outs of what it takes to make a place have good luck. Using your newfound knowledge of feng shui, you are going to need to sabotage the location where your future wife wants to shoot the video. Do the opposite of everything you learned, with the intent of creating a bad luck disaster zone right where the video is being shot.
With any luck, the bad luck zone should thwart any attempt at filming a video, as freak accidents such as makeup accidentally getting spilled everywhere, cameras corrupting the video, and random power outages will ruin all takes. These continual accidents will wear down your future wife’s desire to make a video, and she will eventually give up, meaning you don’t have to help her with her video.
You’ll need to practice, but it’s important that your fiance doesn’t know the depths of your ignorance. Reach out to a dollmaker and commission a fully bespoke life-sized replica of your wife. Make sure it’s as accurate as possible. Spare no expense. What are tens of thousands of dollars compared to her happiness.
Once the doll arrives make sure to hide it somewhere your wife rarely goes, the basement or something. By the time you need to make her up, you’ll be able to do it blindfolded.
BECAUSE I WAS LATE I’M GONNA KEEP THIS OPEN UNTIL 7PM EST ON FRIDAY (Yes, I set an alarm.) And polls will go up between 12-12:30pm est on Thursday and close at the same time on Friday from now on. (It’s programmed into my phone!)
ADHD IS REALLY FUN GUYS!
anyway please vote because this game is really fun.
Mas: Perform brain surgery, swap brains.
spaceyroach: Hire Daniel Day-Lewis to portray you.
Fefnir: Fake your death, hire a body double, concoct a mythology.
Jenner: Cut off your face and put it on your fiance’s face.
blingdenston: Record a cute animal video and do the make up off camera.
rysticx: Become a chin puppet.
Shmoo: It’s juggalo time!
HostileV: Major in Mortuary Science, learn on corpses.
ratwithscarf: Do anti-Feng Shui to create a bad luck zone where no video can take place.
That_Good_Good_Chris: Face/Off
IncredibleFrown: Get a dog, eat all the make up, blame the dog.
Egg_Tats: Creepy real doll in the basement to practice on.
A little late bc of the protest at the White House and the Metro sucking ass! Didn’t wanna use my data but fuck it. Currently continuing the game from somewhere under the earth. We have a TIE AGAIN this time between IncredibleFrown and Egg_Tats, someone break the tie please.
Edit: WOOOOOO! DEMOCRACY!
@IncredibleFrown wins! Post your issue as soon as you can buddy!
