Sorry I’m late, I keep losing track of time. The votes are in and @Shmoo won with 22% of the vote! Congratulations on your victory.
Please post up your problem to solve for us all as soon as you can Shmoo so the game can continue.
I’m awarding honorable mention to @ratwithscarf who only got 5% of the vote because their suggestion was art.
Finally, I’ve won SOMETHING in life. 
So I have a lot of laundry, a washing machine that keeps breaking down, and a brain that hates me being productive. I’m running out of casual and office appropriate clothes, so eventually I’m going to be stuck wearing formal attire while going “commando” if I don’t get this solved. Who among you has the best solution to my laundry conundrum? 
Lazy? Naked? I got you fam.
Garfield. Specifically the Cult of Garf, which was started by myself, my friend Alex, and noted cartoonist/Garfield super fan Chip Zdarsky. We’ll send over a bunch of min-er fellow fans over to clean your clothes and or fix your machine so that you can eat your favorite type of food and nap and hate Mondays. We don’t approve of kicking puppy dogs off of table, but we certainly don’t shun it.
The cost you ask? Don’t worry about that. All we ask is access to your social security number, bank accounts and credit cards. Oh and snacks, obviously. It’s a bargain if you really think about it!
Quite simple. Quit your job and don’t go anywhere other than weddings. You can’t go wrong with free food. (as far as going commando, well, who needs to know 
)
Body paint.
Alright, so this one’s pretty easy. Get a bunch of superglue, head down to your local quarry, and find a nice large pile of rocks. Once you find one, you’re going to need to get naked, coat yourself in the superglue, and start rolling around in those rocks-you’re aiming for a nice, even coating of rocks that covers your entire body. When you have finished, you’ll have not only formed a permanent rock suit that doesn’t need to be washed and eliminates the need for any other sort of clothing, but you’ll also have created a hard exoskeleton that can fend off dangerous predators.
The issue at hand is clear: Your brain is stymieing you from getting anywhere in life. Ask yourself: don’t I deserve better than this brain? Don’t I deserve a brain who will encourage me to succeed? Your brain may not be at all receptive to the commitment it involves but you could start by seeking counseling over your relationship with your brain. It could take weeks, even months but if it works out, it will all be worth it. However, it may not work out - your brain may never mend its ways and you will have to do the unthinkable: Leave your brain and seek another one who will do right by you. Be wary of your potential matches however; when brains are alone it’s often for very compelling reasons.
Only after all that can you be ready to just call a repairman already, you goddamn lazy asshole.
Hi yes Mister/Miss Withscarf. I represent Marvel Comics, and we can’t help but notice that your plan sounds remarkably like one The Thing, a character we’ve owned the rights for about 50+. Luckily for you, we do not own the film rights for the Fantastic 4 family of characters, so we ask that we keep all your the worst advice related to all Fox characters. Thanks for your time
-a totally real lawyer.
Time to hit the gym, bro.
Nobody’s gonna care if you’re naked if you’re jacked. Now, I understand that you think that you might get cold, but you’re wrong. If you’re jacked enough, attractive people of your preferred gender/sexuality will FLOCK to you and warm your body with theirs, as well as providing a useful shield against the elements.
I’ve got just two solutions for you friend.
[spoiler] 
https://www.amazon.com/wafeng-convex-personality-underwear-animal/dp/B01EP2WQFA/?tag=om-inco-20
Done.
Motioning that this should be disqualified on the grounds of being actual GREAT advice.
Just smuggle the stankiest clothes into the vents at work, so that everyone is constantly inundated with the redolence of your laziness. Then wear whatever, everyone’s gonna think that it’s just the workplace that smells. If there’s ACTUAL staining, stay late one night and shoot a thin layer of soy sauce onto the lights so that the entire place is bathed in brown-yellow unradiance, hiding your shame.
Just get old.
People just pretend they’re ok with whatever outfit when you’re old.
Step 1: go to the store and buy adult diapers to use for underwear. The kind that is for people who really need it for personal issues and not because they ran out of boxers/briefs/panties.
Step 2: look the cashier in the eye as you buy a box of diapers and only the diapers.
Step 3: go home and open the box. Take out a pair of diapers. Hold them in your hands. Read the instructions on how to apply a pair of diapers to yourself. Think to yourself “so it’s really come to this”. Really realize that your inability to get this problem fixed has driven you to this moment of desperation.
Step 4: pick a pair of clothes that you don’t wear often and just go commando in them. Then load up all of your laundry in your car and go to the nearest laundromat and wash everything except your “I don’t wear these often and I’m butt-naked beneath them so I guess these are just Laundry Clothes now” clothes.
Step 5: Open the box of diapers and hold them in your hands and bring them up to your face every time you consider putting off getting your washer fixed/not actively addressing the problem. Just remind yourself that these exist and you have them and you are not going to be this lazy.
Burn down your house/apartment with all your possessions in it. When the insurance company investigates tell them you only need your clothing replaced. Boom fresh new clothes.
I mean, do you even need to do anything? We’re way overdue for a sequel to The Emperor’s New Clothes, this is as good a place as any to start.
Woops it’s my birthday so I forgot the poll! @ratwithscarf is gonna get it up! I’m so sorry! I promise to be more vigilant!
I’m too drunk to poll… thank you @ratwithscarf!
Hi, I’m temporary pollsmaster ratwithscarf, and I’ve come to set up some polls and help democratically decide on the best advice for @Shmoo s problem.
Yell at me if any of these links are broken.
0 voters
Because these polls got started so late, voting will be open until tomorrow at 11 PM CST, so get your votes in before then.
So I would have closed the polls and called a winner, but uh
I’ll leave the polls open until someone comes and breaks this tie. In the meantime, does anybody have a better idea for tiebreaking than “wait for another voter?”
EDIT: Thank you mysterious tiebreaker, and congratulations to @Esotericbanana for winning with 26% of the vote!
Now, EsotericBanana, please give us your problem as soon as possible so that we can give you all sorts of wonderful advice.
Before we get a new question for the thread, I want to thank everyone for giving me such Great Advice™ and completely 100% solving my problem with 0 repercussions. (Seriously though there were a lot of hilarious responses and it was hard to pick just one when voting)
