Time to hit the gym, bro.
Nobody’s gonna care if you’re naked if you’re jacked. Now, I understand that you think that you might get cold, but you’re wrong. If you’re jacked enough, attractive people of your preferred gender/sexuality will FLOCK to you and warm your body with theirs, as well as providing a useful shield against the elements.
I’ve got just two solutions for you friend.
[spoiler] 
https://www.amazon.com/wafeng-convex-personality-underwear-animal/dp/B01EP2WQFA/?tag=om-inco-20
Done.
Motioning that this should be disqualified on the grounds of being actual GREAT advice.
Just smuggle the stankiest clothes into the vents at work, so that everyone is constantly inundated with the redolence of your laziness. Then wear whatever, everyone’s gonna think that it’s just the workplace that smells. If there’s ACTUAL staining, stay late one night and shoot a thin layer of soy sauce onto the lights so that the entire place is bathed in brown-yellow unradiance, hiding your shame.
Just get old.
People just pretend they’re ok with whatever outfit when you’re old.
Step 1: go to the store and buy adult diapers to use for underwear. The kind that is for people who really need it for personal issues and not because they ran out of boxers/briefs/panties.
Step 2: look the cashier in the eye as you buy a box of diapers and only the diapers.
Step 3: go home and open the box. Take out a pair of diapers. Hold them in your hands. Read the instructions on how to apply a pair of diapers to yourself. Think to yourself “so it’s really come to this”. Really realize that your inability to get this problem fixed has driven you to this moment of desperation.
Step 4: pick a pair of clothes that you don’t wear often and just go commando in them. Then load up all of your laundry in your car and go to the nearest laundromat and wash everything except your “I don’t wear these often and I’m butt-naked beneath them so I guess these are just Laundry Clothes now” clothes.
Step 5: Open the box of diapers and hold them in your hands and bring them up to your face every time you consider putting off getting your washer fixed/not actively addressing the problem. Just remind yourself that these exist and you have them and you are not going to be this lazy.
Burn down your house/apartment with all your possessions in it. When the insurance company investigates tell them you only need your clothing replaced. Boom fresh new clothes.
I mean, do you even need to do anything? We’re way overdue for a sequel to The Emperor’s New Clothes, this is as good a place as any to start.
Woops it’s my birthday so I forgot the poll! @ratwithscarf is gonna get it up! I’m so sorry! I promise to be more vigilant!
I’m too drunk to poll… thank you @ratwithscarf!
Hi, I’m temporary pollsmaster ratwithscarf, and I’ve come to set up some polls and help democratically decide on the best advice for @Shmoo s problem.
Yell at me if any of these links are broken.
0 voters
Because these polls got started so late, voting will be open until tomorrow at 11 PM CST, so get your votes in before then.
So I would have closed the polls and called a winner, but uh
I’ll leave the polls open until someone comes and breaks this tie. In the meantime, does anybody have a better idea for tiebreaking than “wait for another voter?”
EDIT: Thank you mysterious tiebreaker, and congratulations to @Esotericbanana for winning with 26% of the vote!
Now, EsotericBanana, please give us your problem as soon as possible so that we can give you all sorts of wonderful advice.
Before we get a new question for the thread, I want to thank everyone for giving me such Great Advice™ and completely 100% solving my problem with 0 repercussions. (Seriously though there were a lot of hilarious responses and it was hard to pick just one when voting)
Thank you for the win. I hope that house fire works out for you, Shmoo.
So my future wife sells beauty products on Facebook. She wants to make a live video with me where I do her makeup, but I know nothing about makeup and I’m also terrible on camera.
Can you afford a good brain surgeon? If so, you may be able to employ their services to swap the brains of both you and your wife. With her practiced muscle memory, doing her makeup should be a breeze.
Hire Daniel Day-Lewis to portray you for the video. He’ll sink so deeply into the role of you that your wife won’t even be able to tell it’s someone else. Plus, being an actor, he has plenty of makeup experience.
You have to fake your own death to give yourself time to do makeup professionally. Then, you find someone who looks a fair bit like yourself and use your newfound makeup skills to make them look exactly like yourself and have them do the video. That way, you avoid having to go on camera.
Now granted, there may be some questions as to how you survived and where you’ve been, but the mystery will probably translate to good publicity so you can answer those questions later. There’s also the chance that the person you found is also terrible at doing makeup, and in that case you’ll have to use the evil twin excuse after the show.
Okay, what you need to do is cut off your own face and put it on your fiance’s face. That way when you screw up the make up on camera you are only making yourself look awful.
Do you have a cute dog or cat? Just film that and do the job off-camera. If you’re too nervous to speak, have the fiancée narrate what’s happening. This way, it doesn’t even have to be good, as long as your pets are cute.
convince your future wife to let you be on camera as a chin puppet, and specialize in putting make up on others as a chin puppet in chin puppet college
Getting that eyeliner perfect is hard. Contouring is harder. You know what type of makeup is more forgiving? Full face juggalo makeup. Sure, there is some genuine artistry in it, but given that it’s white face makeup with black shapes, it’s a lot more forgiving for someone who isn’t a makeup expert. Plus it shows off the versatility of your soon-to-be bride’s products. Everyone knows makeup will make you ready for work or a night on the town. But makeup that will get you ready for a gathering of the juggalos and, ultimately, the Dark Carnival? Now that’s something you need.
