The issue at hand is clear: Your brain is stymieing you from getting anywhere in life. Ask yourself: don’t I deserve better than this brain? Don’t I deserve a brain who will encourage me to succeed? Your brain may not be at all receptive to the commitment it involves but you could start by seeking counseling over your relationship with your brain. It could take weeks, even months but if it works out, it will all be worth it. However, it may not work out - your brain may never mend its ways and you will have to do the unthinkable: Leave your brain and seek another one who will do right by you. Be wary of your potential matches however; when brains are alone it’s often for very compelling reasons.
Only after all that can you be ready to just call a repairman already, you goddamn lazy asshole.
Hi yes Mister/Miss Withscarf. I represent Marvel Comics, and we can’t help but notice that your plan sounds remarkably like one The Thing, a character we’ve owned the rights for about 50+. Luckily for you, we do not own the film rights for the Fantastic 4 family of characters, so we ask that we keep all your the worst advice related to all Fox characters. Thanks for your time
Nobody’s gonna care if you’re naked if you’re jacked. Now, I understand that you think that you might get cold, but you’re wrong. If you’re jacked enough, attractive people of your preferred gender/sexuality will FLOCK to you and warm your body with theirs, as well as providing a useful shield against the elements.
Just smuggle the stankiest clothes into the vents at work, so that everyone is constantly inundated with the redolence of your laziness. Then wear whatever, everyone’s gonna think that it’s just the workplace that smells. If there’s ACTUAL staining, stay late one night and shoot a thin layer of soy sauce onto the lights so that the entire place is bathed in brown-yellow unradiance, hiding your shame.
Step 1: go to the store and buy adult diapers to use for underwear. The kind that is for people who really need it for personal issues and not because they ran out of boxers/briefs/panties.
Step 2: look the cashier in the eye as you buy a box of diapers and only the diapers.
Step 3: go home and open the box. Take out a pair of diapers. Hold them in your hands. Read the instructions on how to apply a pair of diapers to yourself. Think to yourself “so it’s really come to this”. Really realize that your inability to get this problem fixed has driven you to this moment of desperation.
Step 4: pick a pair of clothes that you don’t wear often and just go commando in them. Then load up all of your laundry in your car and go to the nearest laundromat and wash everything except your “I don’t wear these often and I’m butt-naked beneath them so I guess these are just Laundry Clothes now” clothes.
Step 5: Open the box of diapers and hold them in your hands and bring them up to your face every time you consider putting off getting your washer fixed/not actively addressing the problem. Just remind yourself that these exist and you have them and you are not going to be this lazy.
Burn down your house/apartment with all your possessions in it. When the insurance company investigates tell them you only need your clothing replaced. Boom fresh new clothes.
So I would have closed the polls and called a winner, but uh
I’ll leave the polls open until someone comes and breaks this tie. In the meantime, does anybody have a better idea for tiebreaking than “wait for another voter?”
EDIT: Thank you mysterious tiebreaker, and congratulations to @Esotericbanana for winning with 26% of the vote!
Now, EsotericBanana, please give us your problem as soon as possible so that we can give you all sorts of wonderful advice.
Before we get a new question for the thread, I want to thank everyone for giving me such Great Advice™ and completely 100% solving my problem with 0 repercussions. (Seriously though there were a lot of hilarious responses and it was hard to pick just one when voting)
Thank you for the win. I hope that house fire works out for you, Shmoo.
So my future wife sells beauty products on Facebook. She wants to make a live video with me where I do her makeup, but I know nothing about makeup and I’m also terrible on camera.
Can you afford a good brain surgeon? If so, you may be able to employ their services to swap the brains of both you and your wife. With her practiced muscle memory, doing her makeup should be a breeze.
Hire Daniel Day-Lewis to portray you for the video. He’ll sink so deeply into the role of you that your wife won’t even be able to tell it’s someone else. Plus, being an actor, he has plenty of makeup experience.
You have to fake your own death to give yourself time to do makeup professionally. Then, you find someone who looks a fair bit like yourself and use your newfound makeup skills to make them look exactly like yourself and have them do the video. That way, you avoid having to go on camera.
Now granted, there may be some questions as to how you survived and where you’ve been, but the mystery will probably translate to good publicity so you can answer those questions later. There’s also the chance that the person you found is also terrible at doing makeup, and in that case you’ll have to use the evil twin excuse after the show.
Okay, what you need to do is cut off your own face and put it on your fiance’s face. That way when you screw up the make up on camera you are only making yourself look awful.
Do you have a cute dog or cat? Just film that and do the job off-camera. If you’re too nervous to speak, have the fiancée narrate what’s happening. This way, it doesn’t even have to be good, as long as your pets are cute.
