I’m concerned my current job isn’t working out the way I need it to, but I really don’t want to go job hunting again! What should I do, internet???
You’re forgetting how reasonable and giving the managerial class can be. If you bring your concerns to them, openly, you’ll find that they’re very giving and generous. You need to make them understand just how very, very much you need a change, though. So, you’ll need to make an investment: hire Gilbert Gottfried to read your concerns out to your bosses. Not only will his strident manner really grind in the point, they’ll be impressed at the star power attached to your presence!
1 Like
Who even needs a job in this economy? I hear the forest is lovely this time of year, and you’re sure to find at least a few unoccupied caves you can relax in. When in doubt, a life of isolation from the rest of society can do you no end of good. That’s right, it’s a hermit’s life for you!
1 Like
Jobs aren’t even in season right now, so you’re right not to go. Besides, do you even have a hunting licence?
The alternative now eliminated, we must focus on your concerns about your job. Your concerns are, as all concerns are, a product of proactive risk analysis, of anticipation of what might be, or about to be, going wrong. In your efforts to sense and predict failure, you have experienced a real one - that of not devising a strategy to overcome your potential problems.
Your brain has failed you - get a new one. Your job has done no such thing to you, yet.
What you need to do is take out a loan for like 500k then start buying your way into suit and tie parties by Trumpists. Lie about who you are, make up a rich old money identity, seduce and marry Ivanka Trump. DONE!
Okay, so you know the phrase “eat the rich?” You’re gonna have to do that literally. You must devour your boss and gain his managerial powers. Basically, you gotta be the vore highlander and absorb the powers of all the higher ups until you’re in the best position. Everything works out when you’re in the best position!
4 Likes
Instead of getting a job have you considered going to THE MOON?
You have access to unlimited Moon Cheese which you can sell to cheese mongers for a
high price, hang out with either the old man/rabbits, and the best part of it all YOU can become the
Moon Prince/Princess that you where meant to be! Sure you have to worry about things like no air, radiation,
coldness, and lack of gravity but I’m sure that’s easy to figure out once you get there.
1 Like
Some people are going to tell you that you’re gonna need to fuck, murder, eat, fuckmurder, murdereat, fuckmurdereat your way to financial success. These people are small thinkers. You’re just gonna have to be the change you want to see in the world. Which is to say you should wander off from your job and just start showing up at other jobs and when someone is like “who the hell are you?” you just shout them down until they back away. You gotta just wander the land as a magical drifter with a song in your heart and a scream in your throat, hopping from position to position to see what you’re truly good at. You may be wondering “how do I finance this life of whimsy and magic where I enrich everyone else around me with my mysterious drifter shtick?”. That is a good question. In order to fund this lifestyle, you have two options and both of them are crime.
1: copious amounts of identity theft. This has the advantage of letting you steal the identities of people who work at the jobs you want to work at, which helps rest your throat and keep it soothed so there’s less screaming. As long as you’re technically whoever you’re impersonating, they probably will learn to accept you for how wildly different you look from the original employee.
2: buy a camper van and fund your trip by selling drugs. Meth is a sucker’s game. What you need to sell is heroin cut with angel dust. Heroin is the cheap drug of choice and you just withhold the knowledge of the secret ingredient (PCP). This has two advantages. First, there is generally a willing market of buyers for heroin. Second, the heroin addicts tweaking on PCP are incredibly hard to stop due to the disassociative rages and painkilling nature of heroin. The rampaging smack addicts will present a much bigger danger to the community than “that person who showed up one day claiming they worked at the bank” and they’ll pay less attention to you. Plus if they attack people, that means more jobs missing employees meaning more desperation for you to replace them and less people caring about you showing up and working there against their will.
Here’s the poll! On time! Wooooo! Vote!
- blingdenston: Hire Gilbert Gottfried to appeal to your boss. Star power!
- Wordybird: Move out into the woods and live in a cave! #hermitlife
- Mas: Get a new brain.
- Jenner: Take out a huge loan, buy your way into GOP parties, pretend to be rich, marry into wealth.*
- Fefnir: Eat the rich! No really, devour your way up the chain and absorb their power.
- Grasslamb: Leave earth and go to the moon, become moon royalty, eat all the moon cheese, sort out that breathing thing later.
- HostileV: Leave your job and just start showing up at other jobs, use identity theft and sell drugs out of a camper to support this.
0 voters
Oh by the way…
Nice.
*Isn’t this literally the plot to The Great Gatsby?
1 Like
The winner was @Fefnir with 31% of the vote. Let’s hear your problem!
Also, I believe swapping brains is the most popular solution to all our problems as, unless I am mistaken, it has been suggested every time. And by different people too! Food for thought!
I can’t think of a single problem that wouldn’t be solved by either a brain transplant or a Face/Off, so this tracks
2 Likes
So given the recent snow storm, I’ve had a bit of a problem with the end of my commute. If you’re not familiar with New Jersey’s methods of getting rid of snow, it essentially amounts to “replace all snow with an equal amount of salt.” The moment I step off the train, I’m pretty much immediately parched because most of the roads and sidewalks are just covered in salt and salt dust. Since this accursed stuff will probably outlive the snow by weeks, how do I deal with it?
Oh, that’s easy. You just need to bring more snow to cover up that salt! Here, I have a link to a snow summoning spell.
Best of all, this ritual is as cheap as they come! All you need is an ice cube and a white rock, and boom! Snow everywhere!
If you don’t want the detailed instructions, I’ll summarize them. Just put your hand on top of the ice cube, think happy, snowy thoughts, and chant the following seven times.
White and gray I call you please,
Come bring me a chilly breeze,
With white flakes of frozen fun,
The sun is not for every one,
Let it snow, let it fall,
Let it bring joy to one and all,
This is my will so make it be
And before you know it, all that salt is gonna be covered up!
Buy a bunch of horses to lick up the salt. The salt decreases, the horses get their needed sodium intake - and as a bonus, you have several alternative transportation methods.
1 Like
See all of that salt on the ground? Find the biggest bag and start collecting the salt. Your going to need several tons of salt for this but trust me on this, it will make sense in the end. Next up, this is going to sound really, really wild but…
Your going to need a whale, like the biggest and freshest whale you can get. If you need help I heard one of the local sailors by the name of Ishmael will help you in the task. Seems like a cool dude when I talked to him on the phone. Once you got your fresh whale throw it on to the massive fire pit (I mentioned the part where you need to make a fire pit, right?) and pour that salt allllll over that whale to make a lovely salt crusted whale! Grab a beer with your new freind Ishmael and wait a few weeks for it to cook up. Once the whale is done cooking break the salt crust away and enjoy!
Or you get arrested for killing a whale, whichever happens first.
…You win this time.
You’re going to need to a leave a lot of popcorn lying around in the streets. Then you’re going to need to construct some kind of cheap cinema for the kind of vermin that eat popcorn found on the floor, salted by rubbing it all on the floor. Nothing too fancy: a cardboard box, an old smartphone with access to a large YouTube playlist of people hitting themselves the balls or something and someone else’s WiFi ought to do. Given hopefully less time than previously projected, the salt should be picked clean off the floor.
As for the subsequent vermin problem? Seal the box.
1 Like
You actually have a business opportunity here. What you need to do is set up a restaurant that sells only salt heavy foods-potato chips, pretzels, salted caramel, and so on. Whenever you need salt, just go outside, grab some free road salt off the streets, and then use that to make your delicacies. Once you’ve used up all of the salt in the city, cash out, and sell off your restaurant to some idiot with more money than sense. You’ll walk away with a whole lot of money and no salt on the streets, while the idiot will be stuck with a failing restaurant that has an unsustainable business model.
Salt is made out of sodium and chlorine combining their elements. One is a metal that explodes when exposed to water. The other is a gas that is heavier than air and suffocates people to death in addition to being unfriendly to human skin. Express your displeasure with salt being everywhere by planting time-release boxes of sodium in the water supply while flooding the city with chlorine gas. Then release a manifesto demanding that next year they not make such of a mess and force them to agree when you bring society to its knees with your acts of destruction.
FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COURT, AT THE BUZZER, SHE SHOOTS!
Okay Fefnir what you’re gonna wanna do is start building a huge ark. Once you’re done building the ark you’re gonna need to get two of each animal, male and female, and put them in there.
Then you’re gonna need to get your wife, who is also your cousin, and your children and some of your other relatives and put them on the ark.
Then God will flood the earth and wash all the salt away and you can repopulate humanity with a handful of your direct relatives and yet somehow maintain the extensive amount of genetic and racial diversity on earth. Oh, you’ll have to do this after God dismisses the flood.
Oh and no I don’t know how you stay fed and hydrated, same for the animals. Life… uh… finds a way.
So you can check and see through the edit history that the ability to make single choice polls is not working through me via the build poll tool. I even made a thread about it. But I looked up the forums code and I’m gonna brute force it.
[poll]
- LoakaMossi: Summon more snow to cover the salt with this witches spell.
- spaceyroach: Buy a bunch of horses to lick up the salt.
- Grasslamb: Collect all the salt, get a whale, delicious fish fry.
- Mas: Just pour popcorn all over the ground, play some videos of people getting hit in the balls on an old smart phone, the white working class will take it from there.
- ratwithscarf: Start a restaurant with salty food faire. Use the salt off the ground. When it’s gone, sell and run.
- HostileV: Release sodium into the water supply and chlorine into the air and terrorize the city with chemistry. Threaten to do it again next year if they don’t knock it off.
- Jenner: Do the Noah thing and trust in God. PS: The Bible is bullshit.[/poll]
That worked, it still sucks that the tool doesn’t work but whatever.