Down, Down, Down By the River: Let's Play Baldur's Gate 3

[Timrod]

Baldur’s Gate 3

Baldur’s Gate 3 is the 20-years delayed sequel to Baldur’s Gate 2, which originally released in 2000. It is, in fact, a sequel and not a reboot. It was developed by Larian Studios (which before this game was primarily known for the Divinity series) and released in late 2023. It is also likely to be the last game in the series due to Hasbro’s licensing policies, which prevented Larian from releasing DLC or an expansion to the game.

Unlike Baldur’s Gate 2 (which used the 2nd Edition Dungeons & Dragons rules, also known as Advanced Dungeons & Dragons or AD&D), Baldur’s Gate 3 uses the 2014 version of the D&D 5th Edition ruleset.

5th Edition is kind of a mixed bag: from what I understand, there are a lot of things people like (namely that it’s streamlined and can be played rules-lite) but also a lot of things they don’t (the classes got kind of homogenized in the process). I have heard it described as “D&D for people who don’t want to play D&D”.

With that, let’s get started. Feel free to follow me on Bluesky, where I will be posting when there is an update.

Q&A:

What difficulty will this be on?

This LP will be playing the game on Balanced, the game’s standard difficulty. The reason for this is that the higher difficulties (Tactician and Honor Mode) virtually require you to start every encounter with an ambush, which makes showing off some of the plot scenes rather difficult.

I will still be showing off some strategies for Tactician, which is what I played my first run of the game on.

Will the thread be designing the main character?

No, because I called in a professional to do that. Late last year, I met with Salty Vanilla and had him design the main character. I also let him pick the romance route and the main character’s class. Unfortunately, we used mods in the process of doing this, which is why…

Will this be on Patch 8?

No, and the reason why is because of stability. Patch 8 was planned to be the final major patch for the game, adding a number of small things (a couple items and some sub-classes) in addition to the release of an official mod framework and cross-platform multiplayer with consoles. The patch underwent a beta period of around five months, in hopes that all the issues would be caught.

When it actually launched, Patch 8 introduced a number of bugs that didn’t previously exist - including persistent crashing and an issue a lot of people ran into where the game can softlock after a boss fight about 2/3 of the way through the game which can potentially block progression. The patch was hotfixed once, but is still pretty buggy. Larian has not yet announced if they are going to release another bugfix patch, and I’d rather not risk running into issues if they don’t.

As such, we’ll be playing on Patch 7. While we will miss out on the content from Patch 8, it guarantees the game won’t break on me.

Will this be a modded game?

Yes. Because we’re playing on Patch 7, I am using a number of purely cosmetic mods that only affect custom characters (so nothing like the mod that yassifies the Gith). There is exactly one mod I am using that is not purely cosmetic and that is the one that allows you to hire custom characters rather than the presets the game gives you: this is primarily so the thread can create a character and so that I can make my own to play along with Salty’s character.

Will the thread have a chance to design a character?

Yes. I will be doing a post on character creation before I start the game.

What’s this about Pathfinder?

I used to GM Pathfinder’s organized play campaign (which used pre-written scenarios). I did this for about three years, and I still have all of the scenarios. I might play a couple of these as we go along if only to contrast certain parts of the game.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome to the Baldur’s Gate 3 LP. Before we get started, I realized after I started writing the intro post that I’m probably going to use a lot of jargon - this is what happens when you spend years playing tabletop games with old people.

: This post will serve as a glossary of all terms I might use that people may not be familiar with, as well as some other information. It may be helpful to keep this open while reading the LP.

---

AD&D: Refers to Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, the name the second edition of D&D was sold under. Technically, first edition was also AD&D but almost anyone referring to AD&D is referring to second edition. First released in 1989 and was revised in the mid-90s. This is the system used by Baldur’s Gate 1, Baldur’s Gate 2, Icewind Dale, and a number of other D&D PC games.

1E: Short for “First Edition”, referring to the original Dungeons & Dragons game from 1977. Very rarely played these days except as a gimmick to show off some of the absolutely brutal scenarios Gary Gygax wrote for it.

2E: Short for “Second Edition”. See AD&D, above.

3E: Short for “Third Edition”, which released in 2000 and was the first version of D&D to be sold under the Wizards of the Coast branding. Third Edition was the first game to introduce the D20 system that all modern versions (that is to say, all versions released in the last 25 years) of D&D use. Almost the entire system (minus certain things Hasbro has copyrighted) is open source.

3.5E: Short for “Three Point Fifth Edition”. This was a revision to 3E that released in 2003. 3.5E was the equivalent of a patch for 3E that made some balance changes and streamlined a couple of game mechanics, most notably skills. Like 3E, it is almost entirely open source. See Pathfinder, below.

4E: Short for “Fourth Edition”, which released in 2008. Fourth Edition was almost universally hated due to a number of ham-handed changes made to appease Hasbro’s C-suite, including making the game closed-source (which stopped third-party publishers from developing for it) in addition to breaking a lot of things in an attempt to streamline them further from 3.5E. This caused a split in the player base, many of whom refused to move on from 3.5E. See also GSL, below.

5E: Short for “Fifth Edition”. This refers to the original release of Fifth Edition in 2014, as well as the 2024 revision to the ruleset. This is the ruleset that Baldur’s Gate 3 uses. 5E outright removed a lot of things from 3.5E, including stats derived from other stats (things like saving throw bonuses), the ability to attack more than once a turn, and the ability to have more than one spell active at a time.

ACE: Short for “Always Chaotic Evil”. These were races designed to be enemies and not used as player characters. ACE races include drow and orcs. Removed in 5E due to concerns about racism.

Alignment: A concept that exists in 5E but that Baldur’s Gate 3 does not use. Consists of nine alignments on an axis of “Law-Chaos” and an axis of “Good-Evil”. Mostly used to qualify for certain classes - prior to 5E, Paladins had to be Lawful Good, as an example. Also used to determine whether certain spells, such as Protection from Good, work on you (which is why spellcasters will always be some flavor of neutral). The nine alignments are Lawful Good, Neutral Good, Chaotic Good, Lawful Neutral, Neutral, Chaotic Neutral, Lawful Evil, Neutral Evil, and Chaotic Evil. Each character is given an alignment at creation that can change based on their actions.

AoO: Short for “Attack of Opportunity”. Occurs when a character is within melee range of another character (usually directly adjacent, but not always) and attempts to move. This gives the person or creature that is on the other end a chance for a free attack. The “Disengage” action prevents this but costs a full turn.

Arcane Caster: A spellcaster who casts spells mostly because they can. This includes the Wizard, Sorcerer, and Warlock classes. Unlike divine casters, arcane casters cannot wear armor.

Daisy: A code-name from the beta of BG3 that refers to the “guardian” created at character creation. Originally the source of the title theme (“Down, Down, Down by the River”) before the plot was changed during development.

D20 System: The core mechanic for all versions of D&D from 3rd Edition onward, which changed the game to use a single 20-sided die (a D20) for most actions. See THAC0, below.

Divine Caster: A spellcaster who casts spells granted to them by their god of choice. In 5E, this includes the Cleric and Druid classes. Unlike arcane casters, divine casters do not get penalized for wearing armor.

Drizzt: A Deviantart-tier character created by author RA Salvatore. Drizzt is a drow ranger (the only drow not to be chaotic evil) whose signature weapon is a pair of scimitars. The bane of DMs in the 90s and early 00s, when there was always one guy who would just play Drizzt with the serial numbers filed off.

Errata: A legal term referring to a sheet of corrections to the record. This is normally used in depositions when a court reporter puts something down by mistake. All versions of D&D (and most book-based tabletop games) have an extensive errata list. The list for 3.5E is almost 7MB in size.

Hasbro: Toy company that currently owns the D&D franchise. Known for their extremely heavy-handed licensing restrictions, they nearly killed the game on two separate occasions.

GSL: Short for “Game System License”. This is the copyright scheme that all content for 4E was released under. Compared to the license 3E and 3.5E used, it was incredibly restrictive in that it stopped third-party publishers from using text from any of WoTC’s books in their own books and effectively killed the third-party publisher scene for 4E.

Martial: Refers to a class primarily based around physical combat. If you’re not a caster, you’re probably one of these.

OGL: Short for “Open Game License”. This is the open-source license that was used for 3E, 3.5E, and the 2014 version of 5E (but not the 2024 revision). The OGL is extremely permssive (to the point where most of the core rules are freely available online) and allows for free modification without paying Hasbro a dime. Hasbro has attempted to kill it multiple times and has been met with backlash each and every time. See also 4E and GSL, above.

Pathfinder: A tabletop RPG based on 3.5E’s open-sourced ruleset that was released by Paizo Publishing in 2009 as a direct response to Hasbro attempting to kill the OGL. Its fanbase considers it to be the true 4th Edition of D&D. Probably responsible for Hasbro attempting to kill the OGL in 2022. We don’t talk about Pathfinder Second Edition in this LP.

PFS: Short for “Pathfinder Society”, the official organized play campaign for Pathfinder which uses pre-written scenarios that are almost always laughably badly written. I GMed this for three years.

Sigil: Sigil was an official virtual tabletop (see VTT, below) introduced by Hasbro with the release of 4th Edition, as the company realized that an increasing amount of people did not want to play D&D in person. It was known for being garbage, costing a shitload, and also being the only way to make a character sheet for 4E because of how locked down the GSL was (see “GSL”, above).

SoD: Short for “Save or Die”, spells that require an enemy to make a saving throw or die. Usually have very little to no effect if the enemy successfully saves.

SoS: Short for “Save or Suck”, spells that require an enemy to make a saving throw or take a penalty big enough that it effectively removes them from combat. Color Spray is an excellent example of an early-game SoS.

Splatbook: A supplementary book, released either officially or by a third-party publisher, that adds items, mechanics, and monsters to the game. Both D&D and Pathfinder have tons of these - one example from Pathfinder was the book that added the haramaki, the only armor spellcasters could use without penalties. You can bet everyone who played a caster owned that one (I did).

SRD: Short for “System Reference Document”. There is an SRD for 3E, 3.5E, and 5E under the OGL that contains all of the open-sourced content under the OGL. 5E has a second SRD for the 2024 revision that is licensed under Creative Commons because again, Hasbro hates the OGL.

Tav: A code-name from the beta of Baldur’s Gate 3 that referred to the default appearance for custom characters (the default character in the beta was a male tiefling). Still used by modders to refer to custom characters.

THAC0: Pronounced “thack-oh”, and short for “To Hit Armor Class Zero”. This was the system 2nd Edition used to determine whether you hit in combat or not, and was incredibly obtuse. Done by taking your character’s THAC0 value (plus modifiers) and subtracting the opponent’s armor class (plus modifiers) to determine what number you have to roll on the die to hit. These days, it’s largely used as a derogatory term for overly complex systems.

TPP: Short for “Third Party Publisher”. These are the equivalent of modders for a tabletop game: they release their own splatbooks (see the entry for “Splatbook”) in addition to things like pre-written adventures and adventure settings. Paizo was a TPP for 3.5E before they launched Pathfinder.

WoTC: Short for “Wizards of the Coast”, the department at Hasbro responsible for D&D. Also the department responsible for Magic the Gathering.

VTT: Short for “Virtual Tabletop”. These are programs and/or websites that allow you to play games like D&D and Pathfinder online - everything from Tabletop Simulator on Steam to sites like Roll20.

[Timrod]

: Now that the glossary is up, it’s time to start character creation. There’s an intro cutscene that plays before you get there, but I’ll do that after we create our character.

: First, we need to pick a difficulty. We’ll be playing on Balanced, but I figure I might as well explain what Tactician and Honor Mode do.

: Tactician gives enemies more HP, +2 to all dice rolls, and makes certain spells generally less effective. It also changes up the boss fights - bosses on Tactician have new abilities that kinda border on fanfiction.

: Honor Mode increases HP further, gives a larger bonus to enemy dice rolls, and gives the bosses yet another new ability. It also disables loading saves, forcing you to play the game with permadeath on.

: The game gives us an option to play as one of the six “origin characters”, who have pre-set backstories. All of the origin characters can be recruited as party members, and playing as them locks you out of some of their plot cutscenes.

: The origin characters also have an introduction cutscene, which I will play when we meet them in the game. The game assumes that you haven’t watched their introductions if you play as a custom character.

: The final option is The Dark Id Urge, which is a custom character designed for an evil playthrough. “Durge”, as it’s called, gets a couple of extra abilities and some extra plot at the cost of automatically doing a lot of evil shit unless you find a workaround.

: First up is picking a race. You can click below to see details on each of the possible race choices.

Elf

Summary

: Our first race is Elf, which are pretty decent in BG3: they have “advantage” (they roll twice and take the higher number) against charm effects, have inherent darkvision, and are immune to sleep. They also have a sub-racial ability that gives them 1.5 meters of extra movement speed and get Perception as a bonus skill.

Tiefling

Summary

: Next up is the Tiefling, which the writers for BG3 took a lot of liberties with. The game treats them as if they’re demons, but that’s not really true: they’re a mix of a demon and some other race.

: The kind of tieflings the game presents (who have unnatural skin colors, horns and tails) are usually considered kind of extreme: most tieflings in 3.5E had like, horns and that was it.

: Tieflings are resistant to fire, and that’s about all they are. This is a downgrade from 3.5E, where they got TWO +2 stat bonuses, could pick any racials they wanted, and were considered “native outsiders” and not “people”, meaning that spells like Charm Person and Hold Person do not work on them.

Drow

Summary

: Drow were an ACE (Always Chaotic Evil) race that were originally meant to be used as enemies only up until 5E. They live underground and worship a giant spider.

: Drow have largely the same racial abilities regular elves do, except that they’re proficient in different weapons (namely the hand crossbow, which are one of the most overpowered weapons in 5E) and have better darkvision than regular elves. They also get some extra spells.

: Playing a drow also gets you fantasy racism for free.

Human

Summary

: Humans have fallen a lot from where they were in 3.5E, where they were one of the best non-tiefling, non-aasimar races because they got +2 to any stat and an extra feat.

: In 5E, their racials are among the worst in the game: they get proficiency in a skill of their choice and 25% extra carrying capacity.

Githyanki

Summary

: Githyanki are psychic space frogs who are effectively fantasy klingons. What’s funny is that even though they’re designed to be martials, they’re actually better as casters and let me explain why.

: See, in 3.5E, arcane casters (wizards, sorcerers) had a percentage chance for their spells to fail if they were wearing armor, which increased the more armor you’re wearing. 5E changed that so that you can’t cast spells at all if you’re wearing armor you’re not proficient in, but have a 0% failure chance if you ARE proficient regardless of what you’re wearing.

: Gith get medium armor proficiency as a racial feature, along with the ability to pick a stat each day and become proficient in EVERY SKILL ASSOCIATED WITH THAT STAT until the day ends.

: This means that you can play a Gith wizard and roll out in medium armor with no penalties, something you normally couldn’t do as a caster without taking a level in Fighter, which is a VERY BAD IDEA because casters get spells based on their caster class level.

Dwarf

Summary

: Dwarves are kind of a bad race, because they get the worst of all worlds. Some of the downsides don’t exist in BG3, which makes them less bad but still bad.

: You see, 5E allows two sizes for your character based on your race: Medium or Small. Most races are medium, which means they move at 9 meters (30 feet) per round.

: Small races, on the other hand, move at 7.5 meters (25 feet) per round. In the tabletop game, small races also do less weapon damage (because they have to use small-size weapons) but get a bonus to armor class.

: Dwarves are medium-size, but they move as if they’re small - meaning they don’t get the armor class bonus. They do get medium armor proficiency, along with varying levels of darkvision (depending on sub-race) and a sub-racial that gives them an extra 1 HP per level. Oh, and they’re resistant to poison.

: Or, you know, you could play a Gith who gets largely the same bonuses (except the poison resistance) without any penalties. Dwarves also get no extra skills from race because they suck.

Half-Elf

Summary

: Half-elves are elves who have the human racial weapon proficiency set. They can get the extra movespeed sub-racial which makes them pretty okay if you need those weapon proficiencies.

Halfling

Summary

: Halflings have a very neat racial that allows them to re-roll the dice every time they roll a 1, which means they can never automatically fail a check because of a dice roll (1s are usually an automatic failure).

: They also have a sub-racial which gives them advantage (roll two dice, take the higher) on stealth checks. Unfortunately, the way stealth works in this game, you rarely actually need to make stealth checks unless you’re stealing from shops.

: The problem is that they’re small and don’t get any extra skills from their race, but there’s an NPC you can hire that has the stealth racial and can be turned into a rogue.

Gnome

Summary

: Gnomes suck. They’re halflings with worse racials. Their racial gives them advantage on certain saving throws (usually the ones associated with resisting spells) and they get darkvision.

Dragonborn

Summary

: Dragonborn are the default race for The Dark Urge, and are one of the worst races in the game. They get NO weapon or armor proficiencies and no bonus skills.

: Instead, they get resistance to one element based on what kind of dragon they are, and get a breath attack they can use once every “short rest”. These come in either a line or a cone and do okay damage, but that means you’re not attacking with your weapon or casting spells.

Half-Orc

Summary

: And finally, we have the Half-Orc. Full orcs aren’t an ACE race anymore, but for some reason we can’t play one without mods. They’re only really good for being a melee fighter.

: They get Intimidate as a free skill, darkvision, and get an extra damage die if they crit with a melee weapon. That last one would be interesting if you’re a rogue, but rogues are better with hand crossbows.

: Next up is picking a class. Let’s take a look at each one.

Barbarian

Summary

: Barbarian is… not a great class. They’re melee fighters who are only ever proficient with medium armor. Now, here’s the problem with that: remember how I said casters can wear armor (so long as they have some source of proficiency) with no downsides? Barbarians can’t.

: Barbarians are locked in to medium armor even if they get heavy armor proficiency, because their core class feature, Rage, gets weaker in heavy armor no matter what.

: The one thing they do have is Rage, which they can activate for a set number of rounds per day. The problem is they have exactly one sub-class that makes Rage good (allowing them to get 3 attacks a round) but every time they make a third attack they get a -1 penalty to all attack rolls until their Rage ends. You know what else can attack three times a round? A fighter, who also doesn’t take a penalty to hit rolls and can wear heavy armor.

: Patch 8 gave them the “Giant” subclass that lets you throw people for damage, which is funny but probably not that good.

Bard

Summary

: Bards are really more of a “respec into one of these temporarily if you need one” class. They’re what the old whitebeards refer to as skill monkies: they are REALLY good at skill rolls but not at combat.

: In combat, they’re a hybrid martial-caster class, but they aren’t proficient with anything more than light armor. Their main role is to stand in the back and buff the party while casting spells.

: They are, in other words, corner horners from Monster Hunter.

Cleric

Summary

: Clerics are an incredibly versatile class. They can use heavy armor and are divine spellcasters, which means they know every cleric spell and can change out at will.

: They also get bonus spells based on their “domain”, which is based on which god they worship. In Pathfinder, Clerics were the first class to get the ability to send people to Hell.

: The best thing they get is Cure/Inflict, which are both heals and damage spells - Inflict Wounds in particular can do some pretty big damage if you do it right.

: Unfortunately, there’s not much point playing one, as you can recruit one immediately at the start of the game. Patch 8 added a sub-class based around mind control, which is what Salty’s character was going to use.

Druid

Summary

: Druids are Clerics but not as good. Instead of being a hybrid class, they can spec one of two ways: you either be a furry, turn into a bear and fuck shit up or you can be a little old granny who makes tea and summons BDSM vines.

: I actually played at Gencon once with this old lady who played a caster druid and had homemade cookies for everyone at the table. It ruled.

: Anyway, their problem is that in fuck shit up mode they’re not as good as a fighter (because animals can’t wield weapons) and in caster mode they’re not as versatile as a cleric or wizard. They’re not really a bad class, they’re just not an S-Tier.

Fighter

Summary

: Fighters are your bread and butter martial class. They can smash things, they can do archery, if it’s a physical attack they’re probably the best at it.

: In a normal game, the only reason not to play a fighter is that combat is the ONLY thing they’re good at. They’re not going to be investigating or handling social situations. In this game, the reason not to play one is that you recruit one right at the start of the game.

Monk

Summary

: Monks are traditionally one of the worst classes in D&D. They’re not proficient in any armor and revolve around unarmed strikes, which suck because you can’t enchant your hands (though many DMs will houserule this).

: They’re bad because they have to jump through a lot of hoops to do damage: all of their damage comes from unarmed strikes, which scale with Dexterity. 3.5E and onward introduced the concept of “monk weapons” (usually staves) that allow you to wield a weapon that can be enchanted and still allows you to perform unarmed strikes.

: The problem is that most monk weapons aren’t very good. 5E expanded the selection by letting you use any weapon you’re proficient with (such as through race choice) that isn’t “heavy” or two-handed as a monk weapon, which definitely helped a little.

: In BG3, monks are actually one of the best starting classes - they get a ton of gear early on, don’t need to steal equipment from the fighter or cleric, and are generally better than low-level arcane casters to the point where if you’re intending to play a Wizard or Sorcerer you should probably just go monk for the first few levels and then re-spec.

: The Patch 8 subclass for Monk is Drunken Master, which is funny but otherwise sucks.

Paladin

Summary

: Paladins are probably the second-best martial class in the game, after Fighters… provided you can deal with all their baggage. They have access to spells, get the ability to smite evil, and are generally a Fighter who trades some features for more versatility.

: They were a lot more of a pain in 3.5E where they had to be Lawful Good, and if they ever stopped being Lawful Good they lost EVERYTHING, meaning you were dependent on your DM not being an asshole.

: In 5E, they instead have an “Oath” that they select. These range from Vengeance (being The Punisher) to Devotion (late-stage Inspector Javert) to Ancients (which is just being Charlie Morningstar). No, seriously, let me post the Oath of the Ancients:

: It is surprisingly easy to break your oath in this game, which doesn’t remove EVERYTHING but makes life a pain until you pay gold to get your oath back. This is even worse if you’re The Dark Urge. Fortunately, you can get around a lot of it by just not playing as your Paladin outside of combat.

: Paladin is also a good choice for your player character (no pun intended) because the only recruitable paladin in the game is on the evil route, unless you use a bug (which I will be using).

: Patch 8 added a fifth oath, called Oath of the Crown. It’s… I mean, it’s kinda there.

Ranger

Summary

: Rangers are another class that got a pretty significant glow-up in 5E. In 3.5E, they were archers who were not as good as Fighter archers, and revolved around “favored enemies” and “favored terrain” which were kinda sucky mechanics. Basically, you pick one class of enemies (Aberrations, Dragons, etc) and got bonuses against them.

: Naturally, this sucked so 5E completely overhauled it. In 5E, favored enemy is really more of a general bonus and most of the options apply to either all enemies or a huge swath of them. Favored Terrain was also overhauled in a similar way.

: In BG3, Rangers are actually a pretty solid martial class. They can melee, they can shoot, they have an animal companion and they also can cast Druid spells. Nothing to really hate here. Their Patch 8 subclass lets them summon bees and become The Pain.

Rogue

Summary

: Rogues used to be a really bad class in 3.5E. Their damage was entirely in Sneak Attack, which triggers ONCE PER TURN (in a game where you could have 3 or 4 attacks per turn at high levels) and was limited to either being in melee or being within 30 feet at range (60 feet if you used a feat slot).

: 5th Edition sorta kinda fixes that. They’re still limited to one Sneak Attack per round (and no longer gain multiple attacks per turn) but get a base range of 60 feet for it.

: In BG3, you definitely want a rogue. The good news is that the best character in the game is a Rogue, and he’s recruitable early on.

Sorcerer

Summary

: Sorcerers got the single biggest glow-up in 5E of any class. In 3.5E, they were objectively shittier wizards - they got access to spells more slowly, can’t learn spells the way a wizard can, and know far fewer spells than a wizard does.

: In 5E, Sorcerers are fucking BULLSHIT. WoTC made a moronic decision to take metamagic (which used to be a series of feats that allowed you to power up spells by using higher-level spell slots) and give it EXCLUSIVELY TO THE SORCERER AS A CLASS FEATURE. Sorcerers now have the same spell progression wizards do.

: Literally the only downside they have, the ONLY ONE, is that you need to know exactly what you’re doing when learning spells or you become useless. I mean, it’s not like the Internet exists and can tell you exactly what spells to take… oh wait.

: If you’re playing an arcane caster, this is what you’re playing. There’s a reason the most powerful build in the game (or at least, one of them) is the “Sorlock”, a sorcerer with one level of warlock.

Warlock

Summary

: Warlock is a weird gimmick class. You have a unique cantrip (a spell with infinite casts per day) that does pretty good damage… and also scales off character level, not warlock level.

: Ordinarily, dipping into warlock as a wizard or sorcerer would be bad, but the way BG3’s level cap works, it absolutely makes sense to do so with your final level-up.

: Their other gimmick is that they restore their spell casts on a “short rest” (which you get multiple of per day) as opposed to wizards and sorcerers who need a “long rest”. This means that they get more spell casts per day off, but at the cost of their spell list being bad.

Wizard

Summary

: In 3.5E, wizards were without a doubt the best class in the entire goddamn game. You could do anything: you want to hurl fireballs? Fuck it, hurl fireballs. You want to conjure a pit, and then put tentacles in the pit, and then put grease in the pit, and then put monkeys in the pit, and then make spikes come out of the bottom, and then fill the bottom with an acid pool? You can do that AND IT FUCKING RULES!

: 5E neutered them. One thing I didn’t talk about with the sorcerer or warlock is that 5E prevents you from having more than one spell out at a time: this means you can summon tentacles but can’t then grease the tentacles and spawn a cloudkill over them.

: Wizards also lost access to metamagic, and no longer learn spells faster than a sorcerer does. The ONLY upside they have is that you can learn spells from scrolls and can potentially learn every spell on your list that way.

: BG3 makes this even worse, because the wizard’s special ability is to restore a spell slot up to level 5. Now, what if I told you that there’s an item in the game that lets anyone do that, AND lets you restore up to a level 6 spell slot? There is. It’s bullshit.

: The only other thing they really have going for them is that they use intelligence as a casting stat, and knowledge checks are one of the most common checks in an average game.

: My first run was as a wizard, and while having access to any wizard spell you want is great and wizards are definitely viable, sorcerers are just better.

[Timrod]

Summary

: The deed is done. After installing over 30 mods (and deleting several because they broke the game) we have done it again. Meet Pollux, the elven bard.

: Pollux was designed by Salty Vanilla, who gave me his appearance (which he described using a Venezuelan idiom that means “looks like he does cocaine”) and general personality.

: First, we need to pick his cantrips. These are spells that can be cast at any time, and are meant to be a last-ditch ranged option. Unlike 3.5E, EVERYONE has a cantrip (previously, only casters did). For reference, cantrips on a divine caster are called orisons.

: First, a list of all the cantrips Pollux can learn:

- Self-cast only. Halves most physical damage for 2 turns.

- Creates movable orbs of light. Lasts 10 turns. 30m radius.

- Gives advantage on Charisma checks on friendly creatures. Can be cast while silenced.

- Makes an object emit light in a 25m radius. Lasts until long rest.

- Summons an invisible, flying hand that can use objects.

- Creates a decoy that enemies will investigate. Can be cast while silenced. Does not break invisibility.

- Gives target a +20 to their next attack roll.

- Does 1d4 psychic damage, target has disadvantage (roll 2 dice, take lower result) on next attack. Will save negates completely.

: Pollux is an elven noble who is “adventuring” as a bard (read: mostly hitting up taverns), so Friends is definitely in his forte. I also take Vicious Mockery, even though it kinda sucks because cantrips typically have very low saving throw DCs (the number the target needs to roll to save) and the spell does nothing on a successful save.

: The nice thing about Friends is that it doesn’t have a save. There is a caveat, though: if we were playing on Tactician, casting Friends on someone is considered a crime - NPCs will hate you for trying it and will call the guards (if any are nearby) if you are near them when the spell ends.

: We then need to pick what 1st level spells Pollux knows. I go with the following:

- Covers an area with light, which stops enemies from going invisible and gives everyone in the party advantage on attack rolls against them. Dex save negates.

- 3d6 damage, 18 meter range, single target. Target becomes frightened, giving them disadvantage on all rolls and preventing them from moving. Wisdom save halves damage and negates frightened.

- 18 meter range heal for 1d4 + spellcasting modifier, can be used as a bonus action.

- Save or Suck spell.

: One thing I should note is that Healing Word is a bonus action, which I should explain quickly. Each turn, you get three actions. The first is a “move action”, which lets you move up to your maximum movement distance (for Pollux, this is 10.5 meters). The second doesn’t really have a name, but I’ll use the name from Pathfinder and call it a Standard Action - standard actions are almost everything you can do in the game, including attacking, casting most spells, or combat maneuvers like Dashing or Disengaging.

: Bonus Actions are a third category (they used to be called “Swift Actions” in 3.5E) which do not use up your Standard Action that turn. This means that Pollux can move 10.5 meters, cast Dissonant Whispers, and then also cast Healing Word on the same turn if he so chooses.

: There’s also a fourth type of action called a Reaction, but we don’t need to worry about those yet. Like bonus actions, you only get one reaction a round.

: We can then pick our starting instrument. Salty Vanilla chose the violin because Pollux is a gentle, delicate boyfriend but not so gentle and/or delicate that he can’t lift a violin.

:Tav is the default name for all custom characters - this is a reference to the beta version of the game, where the default character was a male tiefling. This is also how the game’s code refers to the player character.

: We need a guardian, apparently. Salty Vanilla didn’t design the guardian, so I picked a design I knew they’d like.

: And by that, you mean me, right?

: Wait, who the fuck are you? How did you even get in here?

: I’ll give you three guesses. Firm Stance and Psycho Force.

: Hold on… those are both Persona 5 skills. There’s only one demon that has both. But you can’t be… Mara?

: The one and only!

: Why do you look like you crawled out of a pile of rejected Haz-

: DON’T SAY IT! HOLY FUCK, DON’T SAY IT!

: Vivienne Madrano art?

: Better, but still cutting it close. The last thing I need is… her… coming here. Or him. You know which one.

: The uh, gay one? Wait, that doesn’t really narrow it down much. The spider?

: He’s insufferable. “Oh, daddy, let me suck your tentacles… they’re so yummy…”

: Why are you here, though? And more importantly, why were you there?

: Kaneko tried to sell my ass out to an AI, so I went for a career change. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot of jobs out there for giant talking cocks, so I had to-

: 𝅘𝅥𝅮 Are you there, Mara? Ready to resolve to change your ways, turn the page, escape infernal blaze? 𝅘𝅥𝅮

: Fuck! Play it cool. Please. For me.

: …Only because you’re my favorite demon.

: The uh… Vivienne version of Mara was done by dxgm4 on Discord. They have a page I will not link to because a lot of their clients are into some weird fetish shit.

: Is that a Hatsune Mik-elf?

: That’s exactly what she is.

: In the game’s files, the guardian is referred to as “Daisy”. This is because of a scene that was part of an earlier version of the plot that isn’t in the final game. That scene was where the title theme comes from. Speaking of which:

: Down by the River is something like 85% of this game’s OST. It is mixed into almost every song, including the battle themes. This is the version that plays at character creation, but it was originally meant to play in the deleted guardian scene.

: One other thing: in the beta, the game instructed you to make the guardian “someone attractive to you”. That instruction was removed from the final game.

: Oh no.

: Someone let me out of this thing! I can pay!

: (All I ever wanted was an adventure. Not a big one, not slaying a dragon - the kind of adventure that ends up in a pub with an interesting date for the evening.)

: (That’s a Gith… this isn’t going to end well.)

: A plot note that a bard like Pollux would probably know: the Gith were at one point enslaved by the Illithid (“Mind Flayers”) and rebelled so hard that they ended the Illithid empire.

: I haven’t read the books, but looking through a couple of wikis it looks like that’s pretty much the entire official story for the Gith. Everything else is from this game.

: (That’s REALLY not good…)

: (What’s it doing? I don’t…)

: “Get me out of here! Someone! Anyone! Help!”

: “Stay back! Back!”

: (I can’t move! Can’t even…)

: “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

: So much for that guy. What a way to go.

: Thinking back, I’m not sure how this mind flayer even died.

: Is that a tentacle pit? I love those!

: You know, it kinda doesn’t make sense that the mind flayer would even need to move its arms there given that they’re all insanely powerful psychics.

: It’s a trained response. You know how astronauts get all fucked up from being in space too long? Same thing happens if you use psychic powers for everything.

: This looks like a guy who used to GM Pathfinder games when I played PFS. I did not like him. He was kind of a douchebag.

: How did you last three years doing that boring shit, anyway?

: Get fucked, Earl!

: Magic abduction tentacles.

: Oh sure, it’s fine when THEY abduct people with their tentacles.

: This would be some insanely high level magic in the tabletop game. Gate (which is probably what this is) is a 9th level spell, the highest tier.

: “What’s that noise? Is that a…”

: (I’m going to be sick in this godsforsaken pod…)

: The Gith falls, but the dragon swoops down and catches him because these Gith are probably 17th-level killing machines.

: Glory hole! Glory hole!

: This is pretty much what happens when you go up against a dragon in these games. There was an old issue of (I think) Dragon magazine that compared dragons to F-16s when someone asked about introducing guns to D&D.

: Pathfinder added a gun class and it split the fanbase between people who loved it and people who hated it.

: “Shit! Dragon! Gods dammit, I need to get out of here!”

: Rocks fall, and one of the dragon riders eats shit.

: Surprise, bitch!

: “Oh no… I want to go home…”

: “Hot! Hot! Why did you tell it to do that?!”

: And of course the game gives us one last shot just so the cutscene modelers can show off the individually-rendered strands of frozen saliva.

: “You! You there! Get me out of here!”

: Man, what a bitch. Gets a lucky break and what’s she do? Pose for a photoshoot.

: She’s the dumbest party member in the game by a country mile.

: Oh hey, I know where this is! This is Hell! I barely recognize it without all the development.

: And naturally, they needed to sneak a little mini title drop in. Just for fun.

: Stupid imps. They’re barely a threat unless someone’s dumb enough to give them a gun, and even then it’s 50-50 that they’ll point it the right way.

: “Ah… my head…”

: “I need to find a way off this ship. Preferably without getting eaten.”

: We’re finally in control.

: (I don’t even know where to start with this place. There’s a portal on the wall there, but I don’t know that I want to touch that… sphincter."

Narrator: “This is the pool that thing came from - the parasite now writhing behind your eye.”

1. Reach toward the pool.

2. [INVESTIGATION] Investigate the pool.

3. Leave.

: “Disgusting. What IS this thing?”

: Bet you $5 he can’t put his hand in there.

: I’ll take option 2 and investigate, because this lets me show off how skill checks work.

: There are two kinds of skill checks - the first, like this one, is for raw stats. You roll the D20 and add the relevant stat modifier. For Pollux, this is a +1. Normally, Pollux could use his Bardic Inspiration to boost his (or someone else’s) rolls, but that doesn’t work on raw stat checks.

: The second is an actual skill check, which uses your skill modifier. This is usually equal to your character level (plus your stat modifier) for any skill you’re proficient in.

Narrator: The casing is fragile. The slightest touch could cause it to crumble.

1. Reach toward the pool.

2. Leave.

: “Hmm… I suppose I could break off a piece. It’d be proof that all this happened - assuming I survive.”

: Touching the pod makes it explode, and blasts Pollux for a third of his HP in damage. Low-level casters have a very rough time in D&D, no matter what edition you’re playing. This is why I recommend playing a monk if you intend on playing a caster and then switching over later.

: Doesn’t count, he didn’t put his hand in before it blew up.

: The tentacle machine over here heals you to full. If I remember right, you can only use them once on Honor Mode but they were unlimited use even on Tactician, at least as of Patch 6.

: There’s a couple of things around the room that will elicit a response from Pollux. Looking out the hole, for example…

: “Where the hells are we?”

: Definitely not the layer that’s just a giant Cheesecake Factory.

: I knew my boss liked that place for a reason.

: “Not everyone made it out alive…”

: There’s a semi-hidden ramp back here we can use to get to the second floor. We don’t actually need to know it’s there - the game will automatically pathfind for you unless there’s no possible route to your destination.

Narrator: Visions project into your mind. A Nautiloid hurtling through the planes, resplendent with psionic energy.

: “Oh, a piece of onyx. That’ll pay my tab at the pub nicely. Speaking of which… oh no. Where’s my sword?”

: Sure enough, Pollux only has a hand crossbow. One thing I forgot to mention during character creation: the max stat at level 1 is a 17, down from a 20 in 3.5E. In fact, the Player’s Handbook for 5E (the 2024 edition) outright says that 20 is the highest a stat can go barring something that explicitly says otherwise.

: This is a major step down from 3.5E (and especially Pathfinder) where people could have stats well into the 30s by 12th level. I think the reason they did this was to narrow the gap between single-stat classes (like Fighter or Wizard) and classes that had problems with stat distribution (like Rogue).

: There’s a chest just beyond the table with some gold in it.

: The dead mind flayer on the floor has a bloodstone. One thing I don’t think this game does particularly well is let you know what items are vendor trash - all gems can be safely sold.

: “A spell. If only I had gone to university instead of bard college.”

: Burning Hands is a wizard and sorcerer spell. In 3.5E, it sucked - it did a d4 per caster level (up to 5d4, or 5-20 damage) and required you to get uncomfortably close to use. In 5E, it’s better but still not good.

: In scroll form it’s not a bad thing for a frontliner to carry around, since wizards aren’t likely to bother learning it.

: Oh, and one other thing to note: scrolls always cast a spell at the minimum caster level you would need to cast it. This is also true of wands. In Pathfinder you can buy a wand that specifically casts a spell at a higher level, but I don’t know if 5E lets you do that.

: “Oh no. I’m going to have to touch that, aren’t I.”

: Touch the wall butthole! You know you want to!

: “Dead bodies and stone tablets. This must have been some kind of laboratory. The tablets are heavy, but I’ll take them all. At worst, I can sell them as curiosities.”

Narrator: Images of goblins - their habits and histories - flash into your mind.

: Everybody’s horny for goblins these days.

: We can tag items as “wares”, which helps prevent selling important items when the inventory gets cluttered. Inventory management is one of this game’s weak points.

Narrator: A schematic of a nautiloid flashes into your mind. Nerves, sinews, as much living being as ship.

Narrator: A feeling penetrates your mind. An anomaly. One like ourselves, unconnected from the whole. Caution.

: Heh, she said penetrates.

Narrator: Worlds beyond worlds flash before your eyes, empires of a grand design, traversed by ships just like this.

: “Hopefully the holes and half the ship being on fire won’t stop me finding a way back home.”

Narrator: A thousand years of humanoid history - elves, dwarves, humans, and more - flash behind your eyes.

: “This one would almost be worth keeping if it didn’t cause sensory overload.”

: (This platform seems suspicious, but I can’t say exactly how…)

: (Oh, it’s an elevator.) “What in the hells is that? That body’s brain is exposed, but it’s… calling to me. I’m not going anywhere near that.”

: “I hate everything about this godsforsaken ship. The floor is bleeding! Why is the floor bleeding?!”

: Hey, uh… there’s somebody behind you.

: “Abomination. This is your end.”

Narrator: Your head throbs and your skin tingles. Visions rush past: a dragon’s wing, a silver sword - and a flash of your face seen through the strange woman’s eyes.

: Clearly he’s turned off his boyfriend inhibitors.

: “My head. What is this… ngh.”

: “Tsk’va. You are no thrall - Vlaakith blesses me this day! Together we might survive.”

: (Help.)

: “What made you think I was a thrall?”

: “We carry mind flayer parasites. Unless we escape - unless we are cleansed - our bodies and minds will be tainted and twisted.”

: “Within days, we will be ghaik. Mind flayers.”

: Within days, we will be gay. I mean, that’s not going to be a problem for Pollux.

: “We’re turning into mind flayers? There must be something we can do!”

: (Oh gods I don’t want to be a mind flayer. I REALLY don’t want to be a mind flayer.)

: “We can do nothing until we escape - that must be our priority. First, we exterminate the imps. Then we find the helm and take control of the ship.”

: (What imps?)

: (Oh. Those.)

: “We will address the matter of a cure for this infection once we reach the Material Plane.”

: The Material Plane (usually called the “Prime Material Plane”) is the regular world in most D&D settings. There are also the elemental planes (fire, water, air, earth, cheese), Hell, the Abyss, the Celestial Plane, and the Astral Plane.

: Most of those are survivable if you get sent there, except (usually) for Hell and the Abyss which are normally equivalent to character death. Well, I guess unless it’s…

: DON’T SAY IT!

: I was going to say unless it’s like that one time where I GMed one of the hardest PFS scenarios and sent a guy to Hell only for the player (this huge fucking biker) to look at me and go “Nah, I plane shift out.”

: Oh. I thought it was going to be another reference. Carry on.

: Here’s our first fight. Every fight opens with everyone involved rolling initiative - unless your party is split up or you have someone in stealth.

: In this case, you can see the imps rolling negative 19s and negative 20s - that’s not normally possible. This is a scripted encounter that’s meant to be a tutorial, but I have those turned off.

: When I played this the first time, I thought the game was intentionally screwing me on initiative rolls because none of my characters ever rolled over a 4 or so. The reason is that 5E switched from using a D20 for initiative to a D4.

: That’s probably why 5E isn’t selling nearly as well as Pathfinder is, from what I’ve heard. In fact, I’m going to do an optional bit after this that will explain a little of that.

: “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name. I appear to have forgotten my sword at the pub, so I’m going to tactically retreat. I DON’T WANT TO DIE!”

: Pollux has a whopping 90% chance to hit, which would be a lot lower (closer to 50%) if we were on Tactician.

: “You know what, I’ll just stand further back. Those imps look nasty.”

: Oh, come on! I could kill all of them in one spell. A grade schooler could probably kill those!

: Pollux runs back as fast as his long elven legs can carry him, until he’s used all 35 feet of movement. However… this was exactly the right thing to do.

: See, the circle on the ground just marks what’s called the weapon’s “standard range” in 5E. In 3.5E, it would be what we’d refer to as the “first range increment.”

: Hand Crossbows have a standard range of just 30 feet. They have a maximum range of 120 feet, but if you shoot past 30 feet, you do so with disadvantage.

: By running up the ramp, however, Pollux gained a “high ground” bonus that makes his hit roll so high that he effectively cannot miss - he has a 100% hit chance even with disadvantage.

: The result is that he instantly kills an imp from well over 50 feet away.

: “Did… did I just do that?”

: Lae’zel, on the other hand, shows how melee combat works. You move the mouse near the enemy, and if there’s a possible way for her to attack, it’ll show you a ghost of where she’ll attack from.

: The ghost isn’t always accurate, because the game also checks sight lines and bounding boxes, which means that there are some glitch spots where you’ll move next to an enemy but won’t actually be able to attack them.

: She vaporizes the imp in one hit for almost twice its total HP. Unlike the tabletop game (where you move, then attack) you can continue moving after an attack if you have movement left.

: The imp tries to hit Lae’zel with a fire bolt but misses and gets demolished in the next turn (Pollux just barely misses oneshotting it).

: This does allow me to show off the fact that the turn order (on top of the screen) shows how damaged each character on it is. You can see that most of the imp’s portrait is red - that’s because it has 1 HP left.

: We could keep progressing forward… or we could go back and force Lae’zel to deal with that guy with the exposed brain.

: "Yes! You’ve come to save us from this place, from this place you’ll free us!

: Sometimes, the game will have us automatically roll a skill check. in this case, Lae’zel makes a Perception check, which she passes.

Narrator: The exposed brain quivers in anticipation. You realize you’re talking to an intellect devourer, a minion of the mind flayers who abducted you.

: “Please, before they return. They return.”

1. What do you want from me, exactly?
2. You sound afraid. Why?
3. [Githyanki] A pet of ghaik scum. Destroy the intellect devourer while it’s vulnerable.
4. Leave.

: This is why I wanted to have Lae’zel handle this. Sometimes, you’ll get extra responses based on your character’s race or background. In this case, Lae’zel can simply kill the brain because she’s a Gith.

: “What do you want from me, exactly?”

: “Remove us from this body - from this case free us. Please!”

: We’ve got three possible checks: two are based on Strength and Dexterity, which Lae’zel has plenty of. The third is an Investigation check, based off Intelligence, which is her dump stat.

: We could have Lae’zel make herself proficient in all Intelligence-linked skills, or we could have Pollux sing for her. Instead, I just roll it.

: Yep, it’s a brain alright.

Narrator: You notice oedema - a swelling of the brain causing pressure where it strains against the shell of the skull.

: Now we have the option to use a Medicine check to get the brain out. This is slightly more advantageous for Lae’zel as she has a positive wisdom modifier.

: “Are you qualified to perform brain surgery like that?”

: “Of course not. That’s the point.”

: Back-alley surgery attempt: success. Some days, it’s like you can’t mutilate anyone properly even if you try.

: No matter what option you choose, your character just gets a grip on the brain and yanks it out.

Narrator: The brain lifts from the skull, but you notice an opportunity - you could cripple the strange creature, making it more subservient should it prove a threat.

: The game will let you make some shockingly bad decisions - I know you have at least two chances to permanently kill every party member. We definitely do not want to harm the brain.

: “We are free. Our freedom is ours. Friend.”

Narrator: The creature pauses, listening. Something behind your eye seizes in recognition.

: “We must go to the helm. At the helm we are needed.”

1. All right, let’s go.
2. What’s at the helm?
3. I helped you once, but that’s all I can do.
4. I’ll go - but not with you.
5. What should I call you?
6. Attack the brain.

: “Let’s get moving before this entire ship collapses. Hold on, I just realized I never caught your name. I am Pollux. And you are…?”

Lae’zel

Lae’zel was raised ready for a life amongst the stars, mercilessly conquering the cosmos as a githyanki soldier. Grounded, she must deal with a world she doesn’t understand, and find a way to serve her people in a plane that despises her militant kin.

: Lae’zel is a fighter, and as we already know that fighter is the best martial class, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that she’s one of the most commonly-used characters (at least, from what I’ve seen of people playing this game).

: It’s a little hard to see, but all of the character intros start with the character being limp and then getting surrounded by the same psychic energy we saw between Pollux and Lae’zel earlier before they start talking.

: “Since I was born in the cold reaches of Wildspace, I have known but one purpose: to wield a silver sword and ride a red dragon in service of my regent, the githyanki queen Vlaakith.”

: “My first step on this path is to slay a mind flayer and bring its head to my queen. There is no flesh I will not carve and no barrier I will not shatter to see it done.”

: “I am the one who sunders. I am the Undying Queen’s most unshakeable warrior. I am Lae’zel of K’liir.”

: Us isn’t a full party member, but will instead “attach” to someone and follow them around. If you do choose to cripple it, it has significantly lowered stats.

: (At the very least, I can probably teach it to do tricks. Or I could sell it.)

: Or you could send it in first so that it takes all the damage. Kind of like that radio asshole.

: "That looks like a lot of bodies down there. Are we really sure we want to go this way?’

: More bodies means more loot.

: “I’m not touching that. What if it’s just playing dead?”

: Pollux has Lae’zel loot the room for him. There are a bunch of corpses in here with useful items.

: The dead mind flayer has a void bulb, which is a grenade that pulls things (and people) to wherever it lands. It also has a potion of healing, which we want Pollux to take.

: Two of the bodies have light crossbows on them. These are a straight upgrade to both the shortbow Lae’zel carries and Pollux’s hand crossbow (at least for now).

: The downside to a light crossbow over a hand crossbow is that a light crossbow is two-handed. Two hand crossbows will out-damage a light crossbow by a significant margin.

: “A sword! It’s not my sword, but it’ll do. Can you grab that for me?”

: It’s on top of the body. You don’t even need to touch the body to pick it up.

: There’s another restoration pod here that… I honestly don’t know why it exists. I guess it’s there in case you’re on Honor.

: “The nautiloid won’t withstand these dragon attacks for long. Forward!”

: “Ah! A proper sword. I’ll put this other one in the sell pile.”

: There’s one other thing we should do before we leave this area, but we should make some progress first. We can come back for it.

: (Don’t look at the veins… don’t look at the veins…)

: “Why did they put these horrific vein-webs all over? Can’t they all fly?”

: The ghaik can, but their thralls cannot.

: Because they’re cowards and won’t make giant climbable dicks.

: “Ghaik machinery. I can make no sense of it.”

: (I’ve learned my lesson about touching anything in this ship.)

: “There’s someone in that pod over there! Hurry!”

: “You! Get me out of this damn thing!”

: “We have no time for stragglers.”

1. Look for a latch that might open the lid.
2. There’s no time - I need to get out of here.
3. I’ll go look around - there must be some way to get this thing open.
4. Leave.

Narrator: The construction is too alien. Nothing looks familiar.

: “There’s no latch on this thing. How do the mind flayers get it to open?”

: “This ship is crashing. Do you intend to die for a stranger?”

: “Try the contraption just next to the pod - they did something to it when they sealed me in. Hurry! Please!”

Narrator: The console appears dormant.

1. Look for a switch or release.
2. Hit it.
3. Leave.

Narrator: The mechanisms are completely unrecognizable at first, but then you spy an empty socket.

: We can also kick the console, which does nothing.

: “Whatever fits in that socket must power this thing.”

: (Whisper, whisper)

: I’ve just been informed that Mara would like to introduce the sub-goal of this entire area.

: You see that glowing purple thing by the pod? That, friends, is a Hell original - the mighty explosive barrel. Accept no substitutes.

: The proper technique is to first place the barrel on the ground, and then hit it with a source of fire, and then BOOM! Every motherfucker in a 20-foot radius is dead.

: If they’re not dead? No problem, just dump more barrels and they’ll blow up in a chain reaction. Explosive barrels solve everything. Angel attack? Boom, not a problem anymore. Your giant one-eyed elephant accidentally gets the chariot stuck because he saw something (or someone) he wanted to eat? Boom. Won’t fix the chariot problem, but it’ll relieve the stress.

: These particular pods are in the middle as explosives go. They weigh 25 kilos, but do the same damage as regular explosive barrels that only weigh 18 kilos. Not that the weight matters to me. I have Girimehkala for that.

: If you feel like being really devious, you can shoot or throw the barrels to leak flammable shit all over and use the liquid as a wick to blow up barrels remotely.

: This is why we’re going to go back and grab as many of these as we can carry. It’s the demon way.

: Before we leave, Lae’zel puts both of the thralls to the sword. The panel we saw earlier activates them and makes them hostile, but we can kill them with no real downside.

Narrator: Faint images appear in your mind: a brain, a githyanki warrior, and centuries of darkness…

: “Is that a brain… in a jar? It’s moving.”

: There’s a locked box here as well, but we don’t have anyone with lockpicking. We also don’t have any lockpicks.

: The body right by the door has the key to that chest. There’s nothing special in it - a gem and some gold.

Narrator: A dazed woman is trapped inside the pod. She doesn’t notice you.

: Behind the pod is another brain in a jar, a chest with some gold in it, and a body.

: “This might unlock those controls next to the pod.”

: That’s the key we need to get Shadowheart out of her pod.

: This is from a bit later, I forgot to get a shot of the second set of controls behind this pod. Corellon Larethian is the god of the elves.

Narrator: As you place your hand on the pod, you hear something: a presence connected to the pod, commanding the person inside to… change.

: “Corellon preserve us. That cannot be our fate.”

Narrator: The machine hums to life. But what is its purpose? Will it free the captive, or transform her like that other unfortunate?"

1. Place your hand on the console.
2. [ARCANA] Take a closer look at the console.
3. Leave.

: Arcana isn’t one of Pollux’s strong points, and we fail the check. In the beta for the game, this actually mattered. Here, it’s just flavor.

Narrator: Suddenly, you feel a hideous squirming in your head. The parasite. Then discomfort fades, and another sensation washes over you. Connection. Authority.

1. [ILLITHID] [WISDOM] Will the pod to open.
2. Ignore the sensation.

: This is an Illithid check. I believe the original plan in the beta was that if you did enough of these, you got a bad ending. They removed that from the final game.

Narrator: You feel the biomechanical brain of the console process your command… and yield to it. A shiver runs across your mind… you feel sated.

: “At last… thought I was done for.”

: “I thought that damn thing was going to be my coffin. Thank you.”

Narrator: Your mind lurches into her thoughts. Her gratitude is mixed with wariness - because you have a gith with you.

: “You keep dangerous company.”

: “Dangerous company’s what you need in a fight.”

: “Fair point. Looks like there’s plenty of fighting ahead. Let me come with you. We can get off this ship, and watch each other’s backs along the way.”

: “All right then, let’s get going. I’m Pollux.”

Shadowheart

Shadowheart willingly undertook a ritual to remove her memories in order to protect the secrets of her fellow Shar worshippers. Loss and pain are sacred to her, but her faith is now being tested like never before.

: Shadowheart is a cleric of Shar, who is an evil goddess and Selune’s twin sister. The gods didn’t have a lot of lore in 3.5E from what I remember, so I wouldn’t doubt it if there isn’t a lot in 5E either.

: She has some of the best early-game damage spells, which we’ll get to before the final area of the nautiloid.

: “My name is Shadowheart, loyal servant of Shar, goddess of darkness and loss. There is little more I can tell you than that. My lady Shar tasked me with a mission of such secrecy that I surrendered great swathes of my memory in order to safeguard the knowledge of it.”

: Is this loss?

: “All I know is that I must bring the artefact I hold to Baldur’s Gate, and that nothing can stand in my way. My goddess is watching.”

: “Shadowheart. One moment…”

: “What is that?”

: “It’s nothing. Trust me.”

: “Enough of this chatter. We need to get to the helm - now.”

: At this point, we can go around grabbing up all the explosives. We should also take a look at Shadowheart’s spells.

: Like Pollux, Shadowheart can prepare four spells. She also gets two domain spells from her Trickery domain: Charm Person and Disguise Self, which are always prepared.

: Unlike Pollux, Shadowheart doesn’t need to learn spells. She has access to the entire Cleric spell list. Let’s look at a couple of the ones she has that we haven’t seen yet. First, the cantrips.

- Adds 1d4 to any ability check.

- 1d8 damage, 60 foot range.

- Adds 1d4 to saves. Needs concentration. Useless.

: Now let’s look at her first-level spells. I’m only going to talk about ones Pollux doesn’t have.

- Shoots a man before throwing him out of a plane Hits up to three creatures, giving them a 1d4 penalty to attack rolls and saves. Save negates. Dogshit.

- Gives up to three allies a 1d4 bonus to attack rolls and saves. Requires concentration and is therefore useless.

- Commands a single creature to flee, move closer, freeze, drop to the ground, or drop its weapon. Wisdom save negates. Has limitations.

- Creates or destroys water in a 13-foot radius. Used to be a cantrip in 3.5E. Mostly used to boost lightning spells.

- Touch spell. Heals for 1d8 + Wisdom modifier. Bad.

- 4d6 Radiant damage, 60 foot range. Next attack against the target has advantage. DOES NOT PROVIDE A SAVE.

- Touch spell. 3d10 Necrotic damage, which is commonly resisted. Highest-damage level 1 spell in the game.

- Protects against aberrations, celestials, elementals, fey, fiends, and undead. Any of those creatures attacking the target have disadvantage. Provides total protection against Frightened due to a bug. Also stops Charm effects from the listed creatures.

- 60 foot range. Target cannot be attacked unless they attack something. This does not provide immunity to AOE spells or effects that do not directly target the target of the spell. Bonus action.

- 60 foot range, increases armor class of target by 2. Useless.

: Shadowheart has a lot of really good spells even at 1st level. Command makes certain bosses who are equipment-dependent into jokes. Guiding Bolt is broken: it does almost as much damage as a Fireball, except Fireball is a third-level spell. Fireball will outscale it eventually.

: Sanctuary is also pretty busted because it is has no real bypass other than AOE damage. Casters who attack via summons can hide behind Sanctuary because it doesn’t break if their summons attack.

: The other door out of the room Shadowheart was in leads to the boss fight. The first and only thing you will need to do is have Shadowheart prepare Command.

: Oh look, a cambion.

: That’s pretty much what cambions do. You summon 'em and throw them at something, and they get their asses kicked.

: In D&D (and Pathfinder), demons can usually only die when they’re in Hell or the Abyss. That’s because of how summon rules work: demons that get summoned to the Material Plane wind up back in Hell when they die.

: Really? You’re gonna let an imp kill you?

: “Do it. We will deal with the ghaik after we escape.”

: “Connect the nerves! The nerves! We will connect them!”

: Commander Zhalk is an 8th-level cambion who can be safely ignored. He won’t attack you unless he kills the mind flayer he’s fighting. There is, however, a reward for killing him.

: His opening attack hits the mind flayer for 14 damage, which would instantly delete anyone in the party at this point.

: This is because most of his damage comes from that flaming greatsword he has. Hmm… didn’t we have a spell for this exact situation?

: “Run! We need to reach the helm, or we’re all dead!”

: There’s a couple of trash mobs in the way, including two imps and a hellboar. I get how the imps got up here, but… why the hellboar?

: To tenderize the pork by pushing it off the ship, obviously. Not a lot of chances to do that in Hell, and it doesn’t taste the same if you push it off a tall building.

: Even on Honor Mode, Shadowheart has a 50% chance of making Zhalk drop his sword. Let’s take the shot.

: “Did he just drop his sword? No time for that! I have to keep running!”

: I move Shadowheart and Lae’zel in to engage the boar. Keep in mind we don’t have to kill any of these if we don’t want - we could just run past them.

: One of the imps attempts to shoot Pollux, and critically misses.

: Without his sword, Zhalk can do at most 6 or 7 damage. Still a lot for this level, but not nearly as much as before.

: “Take that!”

: Pollux responds by critting the imp who attacked him for an instant kill. You’ll probably notice the explosive barrels on the ground - I didn’t grab them on this run, but I think I had room for one more.

: I have a save from right before the fight so I can just reload it and grab one.

: On her next turn, Lae’zel takes out the boar. There are a bunch of dead bodies in the area - most of them have nothing, but the dead mind flayers have gems on them that I pick up. We have time.

: “I’ll just take this on my way out.”

: “Oh no. Not this again!”

: “Tsk’va! Hurry, before they strike!”

: There’s more imps and another hellboar guarding the helm. We’ll have to wait for the rest of the party to catch up.

: Why didn’t you grab the sword?!

: You expect me to carry that thing and run at the same time?!

: Getting the sword on Balanced is a bit easier because Zhalk can’t make attacks of opportunity. On Tactician, we’d need one turn for Lae’zel to get the sword and another for her to disengage so she doesn’t get hit with an AoO.

: Pollux uses what I can only assume to be boyfriend magic to annihilate another imp.

: Finally, Lae’zel grabs her sword. It’s a pretty significant upgrade, especially since she was two-handing a one-handed weapon before.

: At 9 turns left, two more cambions appear and start flying up to help Zhalk. This happens earlier on Tactician. Fortunately, by this point we’re already at the helm and have looted everything.

Narrator: The helm’s alien transponder - you’ve made it in time.

: Aww yeah.

: Dragons are assholes.

: The ship shifts planes, and disappears.

: This is why I picked Lae’zel to do this, because Pollux is probably cowering in a corner somewhere.

: And now we’re on the astral plane. Clearly, hell isn’t forever. I mean, that’s the entire point of that show.

: Hmm. I think we’re clear, otherwise that definitely would’ve gotten her attention.

: Have I mentioned the astral plane doesn’t have gravity? Or time, for that matter.

: Gratuitous pantyshot!

: I call bullshit! They didn’t have e-girls in medieval times!

: We’ll be meeting these two before long.

: “Oh shiiiit! Why did this have to happen to me?”

: “You know, I really wish I had learned feather fall right about now.”

: “At least we stopped the mind flayers. Sort of.”

: That’ll do it for this update. Next time, we’ll explore wherever it is Pollux ended up in.

[Timrod]

Summary

: I want to do an update on why the OGL was important, and why 5E is a dying game. To do this, we’re going to go through my old Pathfinder GM bag.

: First up is my old folder for character sheets. That sheet on top is from the last time I ever played, a game I stormed out of and never looked back. Ghosted all the fuckers I played with.

: If you want to know why, it was a high-level oneshot. I spent three hours making a wizard, only to have the GM look at me and go “No.” every time I tried to do anything. I was basically a dedicated GM at that point, this was the first time I had tried to play in over a year, and at that point I had enough.

: Next to it is a bunch of markers. Pathfinder Society used to have a bunch of "stock " maps that you could buy and not have to draw them, but I always drew them.

: Like so. This one won’t even lie flat anymore, and it’s the smaller of the two maps I had - I tossed the bigger one because it was getting kinda fucked up.

: Next to that is my bag of miniatures. Most of these I bought because it was generally frowned upon to go to a game store without buying anything. They’re all broken from being at the bottom of my closet for the past decade, so I pitched them all.

: The condition cards were a thing you could hand to somebody who got hit with a status effect. They were a neat little reference thing.

: The charger is from an old tablet-laptop hybrid thing I had years ago and has long since been tossed in the trash.

: Finally, my giant bags of dice. Gencon had a stand where you could take a huge fuckoff scoop and fill a bag with cheap dice, so I did that. This was one scoop’s worth.

: Now, what I want you to notice is what’s not there - namely books. That’s because all Pathfinder books are available as PDFs from the publisher’s website. That’s what the tablet was for.

: The reason this is important is because of a little thing called errata. Every tabletop RPG has it. What happens is that they print the books, and then after printing the publisher realizes they screwed something up, so they release an errata list that “patches” the book. Pathfinder 1E’s errata is all locked behind a login, but I can tell you there were hundreds of pages of it.

: If you had the PDFs though, it was no problem - they’d update the PDFs with the newer printings that had the errata built in.

: The other reason it’s important is that it made it really easy to play online using a VTT. See, at a physical table, it’s assumed that you can share books to an extent: that way, the GM doesn’t need to have every splatbook on hand. With PDFs, if the GM had a question I could just… send them the PDF.

: Or not, because there’s an easier way. Because the vast majority of Pathfinder 1E content is under OGL, there are entire sites (which are entirely legal) that will let you look up whatever you’re trying to find and tell you exactly where to find it.

: Snowball was a really overpowered spell, but it has nothing on Guiding Bolt.

: Now, let’s say for sake of argument I want to GM 5E. First, I’m going to need the Player’s Handbook (PHB).

: This is a big, thick hardcover that weighs somewhere between 4 and 5 pounds. We’ll say 4.5 for sake of argument.

: Unlike 3.5E, the SRD for 5E is completely locked the fuck down and doesn’t contain all the information in the PHB, so you need a physical PHB. No way around it.

WEIGHT COUNTER: 4.5 POUNDS

: Then I need the Dungeon Master’s Guide (DMG). This weighs another 4.5 pounds.

WEIGHT COUNTER: 9 POUNDS

: I also need the Monster Manual for 5E. This is another 4.5 pounds.

WEIGHT COUNTER: 13.5 POUNDS

: Now, the thing is, there are splatbooks for DMs just like there are for players. Let’s say I want a couple of those.

: 2 pounds.

WEIGHT COUNTER: 15.5 POUNDS

WEIGHT COUNTER: 17 POUNDS

: Now I’m carrying around 17 pounds of paper (probably more with errata) in addition to basically all of the stuff that was in my old bag, plus my laptop.

: Oh, and I can’t use any of this online easily. WoTC does offer an online system for books as well as their own VTT, but it’s DRMed to hell and sucks.

: In practice, this means I’m going to just carry my laptop with the pirate scans on it. Or I wouldn’t, because there’s no local scene for 5E where I live, so I’m probably just not going to play at all.

: This is the core of why 5E sucks. If I want to play Pathfinder online, there are a myriad of options I can use to accomplish that. If I want to play 5E… not so much. That’s because it’s really hard to run a VTT without re-printing the rules, which isn’t allowed under the new license.

: I mean, you could always run a “rules-lite” 5E game without combat, but combat’s all 5E has going for it and if you’re running rules-lite you don’t actually want to play 5E.

[Timrod]

Summary

: “I’m… alive? I’m alive! Imagine the irony, escaping Hell only to die. They’d write plays about it.”

Narrator: As you wake, the tadpole squirms in your skull.

1. Check yourself for injuries.
2. Orient yourself - where did you land?

: “Nothing seems broken, but my back has certainly felt better. As have my limbs. And my head.”

Narrator: Other than the infection, you’re more or less intact. A miracle, given everything you’ve been through. But it’ll all be for nothing if you don’t find help soon. The tadpole is a death sentence, and the clock is ticking. You need a cure.

: We’re now at the actual start of the game. We’ve lost Shadowheart and Lae’zel.

: “That is a lot of corpses. Oh, there’s Shadowheart!”

: (I really hope she’s still alive…)

1. Wake her.
2. Reach for the artefact.
3. Leave.

: Hopping heptagons! That’s a nice-looking icosahedron.

: Who… who are you?

: I am the dodecagon defender! I am… THE SHAPE!

: I met him in a bar last night. He’s an old-style superhero, the kind nobody wants anymore.

: Unfortunate, but true.

: The Shape was done by chongotheartist on Discord, who recently got accepted to art college and is still working on some of the assets.

: Okay, so what’s your deal? Bitten by a radioactive math teacher?

: Even worse. Radioactive abstract modern art sculpture.

: You remind me of Frank.

: “Shadowheart? Shadowheart! Please… please wake up!”

: Reminds me of when I first met my wife, except I was the one on the ground.

: Is your wife a cube? I feel like…

: Of course not! She’s a space alien.

: “You’re alive. I’m alive. How is this possible…?”

1. I was hoping you might know that.
2. Doesn’t matter - we made it.
3. [BARD] Perhaps it was some dramatically timed divine intervention.

: “Perhaps it was some dramatically timed divine intervention.”

: “The divine tend to keep their interventions close to the chest. Though I suppose it’s not impossible.”

1. Now what?
2. Do you have any idea where we are?
3. What happened to our gith friend?

: “Do you have any idea where we are?”

: "No… I don’t recognize this place. But anything is an improvement over where we just came from.

: “First things first - we need supplies, shelter, and most of all, a healer. We might have escaped, but we still have these little monsters in our heads.”

: “What happened to our gith friend?”

: “You might want to reconsider calling her a friend - looks like she ran off without us.”

: I mean, can you blame her? She had a giant flaming sword and 50 kilograms of explosive.

: “You want to stay together, I take it?”

: “We need each other, and we both know what’s at stake. I can’t think of better company.”

: “One more thing, just before we go. I wanted to thank you again, for freeing me. It would’ve been all too easy for you to run right past my pod, but you didn’t. I’ll remember that.”

: This is our first instance of changing our relationship with one of our party members. Each party member will approve or disapprove of most actions you take, and pleasing everyone can be difficult.

: The good news is that it’s almost impossible to piss someone off to the point that they leave you unless you are actively trying to do so. By the end of my first run, I had maximum approval with Shadowheart and Lae’zel.

: “Lead the way.”

: If we had tried to take the artifact, Shadowheart wakes up and stops you and you get disapproval instead.

: Getting Shadowheart back gives us enough experience to hit level 2. We should do that.

: Pollux gets six extra HP and an extra spell slot.

: Jack of All Trades is what makes Bards skill monsters. Pollux can now attempt any skill check as if he is trained in it even if he isn’t.

: Song of Rest restores half the party’s maximum HP and restores some abilities. There was a bug all the way up to Patch 6 that let you use it to get infinite short rests. I believe that bug was fixed in Patch 7.

: The government doesn’t want you to know about this one life hack for infinite rests.

: I call that Saturday.

: I take Thunderweave as a new spell, since most of Pollux’s remaining spell choices are kinda bad.

: Shadowheart gets her “Channel Divinity” feature, which recharges on a short rest. Invoke Duplicity is… okay. It makes an illusion that enemies might waste a turn attacking, and if you and your target are both close enough to it, you get advantage on them.

: “A hat! Just what I needed. I haven’t looked in a mirror since I woke up, but I’m sure my hair is disheveled.”

: No, don’t!

: “…You’re right, I hate it.”

: Most of the game’s hair models have a “hat hair” model, but the modded hair Pollux has doesn’t so he becomes bald the moment he puts a hat on.

: What a horrible curse. Not that I can wear hats with tentacles for hair.

: I learned my lesson about hair and helmets not mixing years ago.

: We also find our first camp supplies, which are needed to “long rest” and get our spells back. Speaking of which, we can now send items to our camp to lighten the load on our inventory.

: This guy has a letter on him we can read.

Sy,

I love you. There. I said it. And if you meet me tomorrow, I’ll say it again. And again. And keep on saying it till we’re old and grey. So let’s do it. Let’s go to Baldur’s Gate. I know it’s risky, but so’s staying here. The last few months have been hard, and they’re always a little easier when you’re there.

Leave your boat and meet me at the hill overlooking the old bridge. Bring whatever you can carry. We’ll make do without the rest. Don’t be late.

Love, Anna

: It never would’ve worked out anyway.

: “Won’t get that open easily. Maybe there’s another entrance.”

: There are some thieves tools in a barrel nearby, and the door has a lockpick DC of 20. Theoretically, Pollux could pick it if he got good RNG (he’d need a 13 or 14 on the die).

: Right next to that door is our first fast travel portal. That opening next to it is our next destination.

: Pollux and Shadowheart pick the area clean first, and he finds a hand drum.

: “Can you play an instrument, Shadowheart?”

: Not well.

: More dead bodies, and what appears to be part of the mind flayer ship.

: “More of the little bastards. I wouldn’t suppose any of them are Us…”

: This is why we wanted the explosive barrels. We’ll do the fight on Balanced first, and then I’ll move it up to Tactician so Mara can do his thing.

: First, we want to split the party up. This is because we want to approach every fight from stealth that we can - on Tactician, this is an absolute necessity.

: I thought you weren’t supposed to split the party.

: Pressing C causes the active character and any characters linked to them to go into stealth mode. The reason we don’t want to do this as a party is because the pathfinding isn’t great.

: Two of them are patrolling around. The third one is next to one of those pods. I think if I aim just right…

: I had Shadowheart aim at the pool of goop in front of the explosive barrel, thinking it would act as a wick and blow the barrel up without her having to get potentially into the sight range of one of the brains.

: Turns out it doesn’t work that way (the game is a bit finicky when it comes to liquids interacting with barrels) but we manage to light the brain on fire and nearly kill it.

: Shadowheart then nails the brain with another fire bolt, bringing it to 1 HP. This causes combat to initiate - but not for Pollux, who is still in stealth. Because we attacked from stealth, the brains are surprised and can’t act.

: “Damn! Thought I had him.”

: Even though we didn’t get the kill, we have two extremely weakened intellect devourers who need to blow their action to get into melee range and therefore can’t attack.

: I had the party jump up here hoping the brains wouldn’t be able to reach them from the ground, but it’s low enough that they can climb up.

: I decide that if I can, I want to keep that barrel for later use - there are better places we could use it. Pollux makes a shot from 60+ feet out and kills the brain near the barrel.

: The last one dies to Shadowheart, who now has a high ground bonus against it. Now that we’re done with the fight, let’s see what it looks like on Tactician.

: On Tactician, this fight goes from a pushover to something much harder.

: The brains get an extra 4 max HP, but that’s not all they get.

: They also get a range attack, meaning we can’t simply take them out from a safe spot anymore. The range attack is still preferable to their melee attack.

: I have Pollux take a page straight out of the demon playbook and place explosives on the flank. This discourages the brains from trying to close in. If they get close enough to melee someone, it’s game over.

: Damn, those ranged attacks HURT! That’s half of our boy’s HP gone in one go. On Honor Mode, it’s better to just throw a couple barrels down there and light the goo on fire.

: As long as you maintain high ground, this is still doable without actually using the barrels as anything but a deterrent, but you want that deterrent there.

: Our reward includes some treasures, another explosive barrel, and some potions. Oil of Accuracy gives a +2 bonus to attack rolls with a melee weapon for 10 turns. I don’t think I ever used this on my Tactician playthrough.

: We also find some more mind flayer grenades (which we’ll put to good use elsewhere) and a potion of speed. This provides the same effect as the Haste spell, but debuffs the user at the end of the effect.

: I want to talk about this locket, because I kept this thing for the entire game thinking there’d be someone to give it to at some point. There isn’t. It’s vendor trash.

: “Oh good, more beach.”

: “You know, I could take a crack at that door…”

: I forgot to show this off earlier, but there are plants we can harvest to make potions with. We don’t have enough to do anything yet.

: “This box should be simple enough to get open. Let’s see if I can pick it…”

: This is gonna be funny.

: You would think he’d have more luck smashing it open.

: Smashing locked boxes is an option, but most containers are “sturdy” and reduce damage from melee attacks.

: Beginner’s luck.

: This helmet is something that doesn’t exist in the tabletop game - in the tabletop game, it’s assumed that your armor comes with head protection but it’s not treated as a separate item.

: There are separate hats and helmets but those are exclusively magic items, things like a headband of intellect for a wizard or a headband of charisma for a sorcerer or bard.

: Just past the hat box is a suspicious looking boulder.

: This requires us to use the jump action, which is based on strength. Lae’zel has a 20-foot standing vertical leap, while Pollux has a much more modest jump.

: “Why did we jump all the way down here again? This just looks like a regular rock.”

: “Deep grooves in the mud around that rock.”

: Is he failing these on purpose?

: (straining noises) “I can’t move it! It won’t budge.”

: Let me handle it.

This stained, ragged map has passed through countless hands. A little harp marks an area called Moonrise Towers, with a small inky crescent sketched in the nearby forest. Below the crescent is a more recent scrawl: ‘CACHE’.

: We also find some gems, two potions of speed, and a bit of gold. The book isn’t anything interesting.

: “Please? Please come and help me?”

: “That boyfriend… I mean, that man is in trouble! Let’s go, Shadowheart!”

: “Hurry, I’ve got one of those brain things cornered.”

: “There, in the grass. You can kill it, can’t you? Like you killed the others.”

1. Easily. Stand back.
2. Kill it yourself - you look capable enough.
3. Leave.

: “Honestly, I don’t know that we can. We only took those other ones out because we had a ledge to shoot from. How’d you even corner it without it trying to bite you?”

: I picked leave because Pollux really doesn’t want to fight another brain.

: “I was so hoping for a kind soul. Well, not to worry.”

: Really? He was trying the Patches gambit? That fell out of favor in the demon world eons ago when everybody figured out you can tell them to go first.

: Is this that “toxic yaoi” my daughter keeps talking about?

1. [DEXTERITY] Quicky roll away.
2. [STRENGTH] Push yourself to your feet.
3. Do nothing.

: I have seen at least four runs of this game, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone fail the check here.

: (Toxic yaoi… my one weakness…)

: “Shh, not a word. Let’s try to keep that lovely neck of yours in one piece, hmm?”

: (He called me “lovely”… my heart…)

: “And you - keep your distance. No need for this to get messy.”

: “I need him alive - stow that blade or I’ll show you just how messy things can get.”

: Excuse me, he said no pickles! Oh man, this is embarrassing.

: “Promises, promises. But I have other business, I’m afraid. Now, I saw you on the ship, didn’t I? Nod.”

: It would have been cool if Larian had actually hidden Astarion somewhere on the ship during a cutscene or something, but you never see him.

1. Nod.
2. Shake your head.
3. [MELEE ATTACK] Headbutt the elf.

: “You’re no boyfriend! You’re just a common thug! Eat this!”

: Pollux somehow makes this despite having a negative strength modifier.

: “Argh! You son of a-”

: This is why I wear a helmet.

: Just like Lae’zel and Shadowheart, Astarion gets hit with a wave of psychic energy.

Narrator: Your mind twists. You’re looking out of unfamiliar eyes, prowling dark, busy streets. You try to hold the memory, but it fades to the worm. The light. The fear.

: “What was that? What’s going on?”

1. It’s the mind flayer’s worm - it connected us.
2. Honestly? I have no idea.
3. Put the knife away and I’ll tell you everything.

: “It’s the mind flayer’s worm. It connected us.”

: “The worm, of course. That explains things. Somewhat. And to think I was ready to decorate the ground with your innards. Apologies.”

1. Apology accepted. I might have done the same were the roles reversed.
2. Glad to see we’re all caught up now.
3. You’d better have more to offer than ‘apologies’.

: “Glad to see we’re all caught up now.”

: “My name’s Astarion. I was in Baldur’s Gate when those beasts snatched me.”

1. [BALDURIAN] Introduce yourself - you’re a Baldurian too.
2. Tell him your name and your story.
3. Nod.

: I didn’t show it because I forgot, but you have to pick a character background at character creation. I picked “noble” for Pollux, and this automatically assumes he is from Baldur’s Gate.

: “My name is Pollux. I’m… I’m just a bard. I’m also from the city.”

: “Is that so? We clearly move in different circles.”

: “So do you know anything about these worms?”

1. Yes, unfortunately. They’ll turn us into mind flayers.
2. I know we don’t want them in our heads.
3. You know as much as I do.

: “Yes, unfortunately. They’ll turn us into mind flayers.”

: “Turn us into… ha… Hahaha! Of course it’ll turn me into a monster. What else did I expect? Although it hasn’t happened yet. If we can find an expert - someone who can control these things - there might still be time.”

1. Control it? We need to get rid of it.
2. You should travel with me. Our odds are better together.
3. I need to get moving, but you can shelter at my camp.
4. I’ve wasted enough time here. Farewell.

: “Control it? We need to get rid of it.”

: “Well yes, of course. But first things first.”

: “You should travel with me. Our odds are better together.”

: (Our odds of shoving you facefirst into a trap, that is.)

: “You know, I was ready to go this alone, but maybe sticking with the herd isn’t such a bad idea. And you seem like a useful person to know. All right, I accept. Lead on.”

: And now we can do his intro from the start of the game.

Astarion

After two hundred years serving a cruel master, the vampire spawn Astarion is finally free - free to walk in the sun, free to chase power, and free to take revenge.

: “Hello, darling. Don’t be shy, I promise not to bite until we’ve been formally introduced. My name’s Astarion, and I’ve spent a century stalking the night, hunting for pretty morsels just like you.”

: He turns to the camera right as he says that last part.

: “A man called Cazador made me what I am, kept me like a pet, and forced me to do his bidding. No more.”

: “The tadpole’s influence broke his dominance over me, and now I can finally pursue the one thing I’ve hungered for all these long, dark years. Revenge. I’m going back to Baldur’s Gate to track down Cazador in his lair. I’ll be the last thing the bastard ever sees.”

: Astarion is a rogue. In most cases, it’s best to multiclass him around level 6 to either a ranger (his best builds are all hand crossbows) or a fighter.

: He also has one of the best VAs in the game. I believe his VA won an award for his performance.

: At level 2, he gets the ability to do certain actions that would normally take a full turn (things like hiding or dashing) as a bonus action.

: Oh, one other thing I should point out: if you succeed in the initial dexterity or strength check, you get the opportunity to kill Astarion. In fact, I think you have more opportunities to perma-kill him than any other party member.

: “There’s a mind flayer - and it’s hurt.”

: No point talking to it, let’s set it on fire.

: Talking to it forces you to make a save or IMMEDIATELY DIE. The save is only DC 5, but why risk it?

: “If only all our fights were this easy.”

: “Dead goblins over there. Worth checking for supplies, maybe.”

: “Astarion already has his hands in their pockets.”

: What?

: That’s enough supplies to make camp for the night. Not that we need to.

: Just dried food and a tent kit? Where’s the marshmallows, or the hibachi? Can’t have camp without the hibachi.

: We could go around this fire, but I don’t want to risk one of our party members pathing through it and taking a bunch of damage, so I use one of our multitude of water bottles to put it out.

: “What’s going on with that rune? Looks unstable somehow.”

: If you are playing as The Dark Urge for some reason, you want to keep your main character as far back as possible.

Narrator: You approach the sigil on the stone. Magic glitters and swirls from it erratically, as if malfunctioning. It looks slightly dangerous.

1. Touch the sigil.
2. Leave.

: “Just a void sticking out of the rock. What’s the worst that could happen?”

: “Gah! That stings!”

: A hand? Anyone?

: “What are the odds this is a cosmic horror of some sort?”

: The Dark Urge will automatically cut Gale’s arm off if they’re the one who initiates the event.

1. Who are you?
2. Slap the hand.
3. [STRENGTH] Grab the hand and pull.
4. [BARD] [CHARISMA] Attune yourself to the sigil’s magic, then bid it to quiet down.
5. It’s far too dangerous. Leave him to his fate.

: “Whatever you’re doing, it’s working wonders! Now a quick little pull should do the trick.”

: Does he only have strength when boyfriends are involved? Seriously, how gay is this guy?

: Oof, hello. I’m Gale of Waterdeep. Apologies, I’m usually better at this."

1. No need to apologise. Are you all right?
2. At introductions?
3. At not wasting the time of passing adventurers? I certainly hope so.

: Gale is (I believe) the only canon bisexual in the cast. The game does this kind of annoying thing where every character is “player-coded”, which I don’t particularly like.

: I mean, I feel like sexuality is part of characterization and by making everybody whatever you want them to be, you lose out on some stuff.

: “No need to apologize. Are you all right?”

: “A bit shocked, but friend, it’s a relief and a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

: “Say, but I know you, don’t I? In a manner of speaking. You were on the nautiloid as well.”

1. I was, yes.
2. Never mind the nautiloid. How did you get stuck in that stone?
3. You don’t trust this man. Draw your weapon.

: “Never mind the nautiloid. How did you get stuck in that stone?”

: “I don’t know what transpired exactly, but the ship broke into pieces and I suddenly found myself in freefall. As I was plummeting to certain death, I spied a glimmer quite near where I estimated my body to impact with less-than-savory propulsion.”

: “Recognizing this glimmer to be magical in nature, I reached out to it with a Weaving of words and found myself on the other side as it were. How about you? How did you survive the fall?”

1. To be honest, I haven’t a clue.
2. I took control of the ship, landed it safely and saved the day.
3. I survived. That’s all that matters.

: “To be honest, I haven’t a clue.”

: “Fair enough. But even so, I have the unfortunate suspicion your survival is still very much in jeopardy.”

: “Back on the ship, you two were on the receiving end of a rather unwelcome insertion in the ocular region, were you not?”

1. Go on…
2. Couldn’t have phrased it any more repellently myself.
3. That’s hardly any of your business.

: “Couldn’t have phrased it more repellently myself.”

: “No use sugarcoating it, is there? The insertee we speak of, this parasite - are you aware that after a period of excruciating gestation it will turn us into mind flayers?”

: “It’s a process known as ceremorphosis, and let me assure you: it is to be avoided. You don’t happen to be a cleric, by any chance, do you? A doctor? Surgeon? Uncannily adroit with a knitting needle?”

: “You seem to know enough about our condition to realize it is beyond most clerics’ skills.”

: “Most, no doubt. But I find myself hoping to be in the presence of the few. You don’t happen to be one of them?”

1. I was going to ask you the same question.
2. Can’t say that I am.
3. [BARD] I can tend to basic wounds and ailments, but alien parasites? I’m afraid not.

: What I want to point out is that in 5E, bards can eventually cure death. They couldn’t do that in 3.5E. In fact, almost every caster class (barring wizard and sorcerer) eventually can.

: Bards are actually amazing in the tabletop game compared to how they were in 3.5E (where they had half spell progression).

: “I can tend to basic wounds and ailments, but alien parasites? I’m afraid not.”

: “As we’ve established, few enough can. It’s not exactly a common affliction. We’re most certainly going to need a healer, and soon too. How about we lend each other a helping hand once more and look for a healer together?”

1. Sounds like a plan. You’re welcome to join me.
2. No, thank you. I’m not looking for another travelling companion.

: “Sounds like a plan. You’re welcome to join me.”

: (Provided you’re willing to sit on the bench once we catch up with Lae’zel again).

: “Most excellent. A parasite shared is a parasite halved. Or something to that effect. Oh! But before you think you’re about to embark on a journey with most ill-mannered a man: thank you for pulling me out of that stone.”

: He pulled a boyfriend from the stone and is now gay king of England.

: “It was an act of foresighted kindness I assure you, for I have the feeling ample opportunities will present themselves for me to return the favor.”

: Gale has a whopping 8 max HP at level 1. Fortunately, any new party members we meet will be the same level as the main character. Before we level him, it’s introduction time.

k

Gale

Gale’s wizarding prowess once earned him the love of Mystra, the goddess of magic, until his ambition led him to the brink of catastrophe…

: “You find yourself in the presence of the renowned wizarding prodigy, Gale of Waterdeep - please, no need to be intimidated.”

: I’m not usually scared of people who get stuck in a rock, outside of the ‘scared for the future of humanity’ sense of the term.

: “My virtuosic talents once caught the eye of the goddess of magic herself, Mystra, who named me her Chosen, and her lover.”

: Virtuosic talents? In what? Not leveling up?

: “Thanks to a slight miscalculation on my part, that relationship eventually soured, as did the greatest of my powers.”

: “Now I’m merely a humble wizard on the road to redemption. Unless I can find the path to something greater…”

: If he starts singing about redemption, I’m out.

: Classes get a sub-class either at 1st level or at 3rd level. Wizard is the first one we’ve run into that gets it at 1st level (they get it at 3rd level in 2024 5E). This used to be called a “school specialization” in 3.5E.

: Specializing in a school meant you got extra spell slots that had to be dedicated to your school of magic, and had an “opposition school” that needed twice as many slots to cast spells from.

: 5E 2014 changed the magic schools so they’re now only bonuses and no penalties.

: Unfortunately, they’re not all created equal. Choosing a school halves the gold cost of copying scrolls of that school into your spellbook.

: The three we’re interested in are:

: Transmutation gives you the ability to make a DC 15 Medicine roll (Medicine is a wisdom skill that wizards can be proficient in) to make two potions for the cost of one. Very useful to have on the hireling wizard.

: Abjuration is probably the best one for a wizard you intend to play, and gives you a shield every time you use a spell slot.

: Divination is also pretty interesting. What it lets you do is roll two “portent dice” at the start of each day. You can then substitute your portent dice for any other D20 roll as a reaction.

: In practice, this means you can change an enemy’s hit into a miss, or change an ally’s miss into a hit. If you happen to roll a natural 20, you have a guaranteed crit in your pocket.

: The other schools are various levels of trash. Evocation is okay (it boosts damage done by your spells and lets you exclude allies from your big AOEs) and Conjuration has its uses, but the rest suck.

: The worst ones by far are Enchantment (it’s all charm effects and lots of things are immune to charm) and Illusion (which at 10th level lets you auto-avoid a single attack once per short rest and is effectively a shittier portent die).

: We also need to pick spells, and Gale has some that aren’t on Pollux’s spell list. I’ll go over them.

- Triple your target’s base jumping distance. Can be cast as a ritual. Lasts 10 rounds. Cannot be found as a scroll.

- Increases target’s movement speed by 3 meters (10 feet). Lasts until long rest. Can be cast as a ritual. Cannot be found as a scroll.

- Summons a familiar. Lasts until long rest or until the familiar dies. Can be cast as a ritual. Cannot be found as a scroll.

: These three spells (along with some others we saw on Pollux, like Disguise Self and Feather Fall) are rituals. This means you can cast them infinitely outside of combat for free.

: Longstrider is one of the best possible things you can take at low level, because for the price of one prepared spell you can effectively give your party a permanent speed boost.

- Reaction spell. Adds 5 to your armor class, and blocks Magic Missile. Cannot be found as a scroll.

: The single best 1st-level spell in 3.5E. Nerfed to fuck in 5E. Blinds up to 33 HP of creatures in a cone. Lasts 1 turn. Save negates.

: I need to interrupt for a moment to show you what color spray did in Pathfinder, which is identical to how it worked in 3.5E.

: HD stands for “hit dice” and is the equivalent of level for non-humanoid enemies with no character levels. This thing effectively removed targets from combat and worked on any number of creatures, regardless of total HP.

- If Color Spray was the low-level 3.5E wizard’s bread, Grease was their butter. Covers an area in flammable, slippery goop. That area is difficult terrain (costs twice as much movement to move through) and anyone entering the grease has to make a Dexterity save or fall prone. Lasts 10 rounds.

- Throws an icicle for 1d10 physical damage. This is a ranged touch attack. Explodes on contact, doing 2d6 cold damage and leaving an ice surface. Dex save negates the explosion damage. 18 meter (60 foot) range.

- Hits enemy with a lightning whip, which does 1d12 lightning damage on hit. Can be activated each turn to do an additional 1d12 damage. Concentration spell. This is a ranged touch attack.

- Creates an area of fog, which blinds anything inside of it and also conceals them from those outside. Mostly used to screw with ranged attackers. Concentration spell.

: Now that we have Astarion, we can go back and take a crack at that locked door we ran into earlier. There is another way into the same area maybe 50 feet away from where we met Gale, but I want to give it a try.

: You can see if you expand the image that the path we’re on leads to the upper level of where that door goes.

: “We might as well take one attempt at this door, since we only have two sets of thieves tools and they break so easily.”

: On it.

: I made one attempt and made the roll - for the record, Astarion rolled a 9 and had enough modifiers to reach 20.

: All those failed checks can’t possibly be good.

: This room is absolutely loaded with traps. The good news is that it was significantly nerfed from the earlier patches, where due to a bug there was a good chance if you set the traps off that they wouldn’t stop going off.

: Oh good, now I can disarm all the traps we can’t see.

: We also get our first specialized arrow - the Arrow of Ice. This is a non-magical version of the Ice Knife spell.

: We also get a grease bottle. These are a non-magical version of the grease spell which has a lower save difficulty than the spell does.

: These things are great for setting up elaborate explosive traps, or just for tossing into a crowded area and watching people slip on it over and over.

: There are two types of traps in this room. The first are these vents, which leak grease if they’re activated.

: The second are these dragon heads, which spit fire to light the grease up. In the older patches, these would get stuck in the “on” position and constantly spew fireballs.

: The sarcophagi on the sides of the room have some items in them, including a halberd that isn’t bad for Lae’zel if you didn’t get the sword off Zhalk.

: The big draw is this one in the middle, which triggers all the traps in the room if it’s opened without being disarmed first.

: The big treasure here is a spear that gives you True Strike if you miss with it. Shadowheart is the only one who can use it effectively, and it’s slightly better than her starting mace, so she gets it.

: Oh, and the key to the next room. The game never tells you when you’re done with a key, so I wound up holding on to every key I came across in my first run.

: Each character who walks by a trap gets a perception check to spot it. I mean, did you really think Pollux was going to make any of these unless a boyfriend was somehow involved?

: The other side has a Soul Coin, an item that can only be used by a character we haven’t met yet.

: “An iron coin? I’d prefer gold, but I’ll take it.”

: For some reason, this gives Pollux an inspiration point. Inspiration points can be used to re-roll almost any check that isn’t an attack roll. They also give a small amount of EXP.

: “I really shouldn’t like this.”

: We really do not want to go in that door over there, across the hall. Doing so triggers a combat encounter that is meant to be done from the other side.

: There are a couple of chests in here with vendor trash in them.

: These are the doors we actually want. Even if I hadn’t gotten the dice roll to unlock the outer door, I probably would’ve gone through the front entrance and cheesed the fight to get this.

: “Surprising amount of skeletons in here. There could be more traps.”

: I don’t think Astarion cares. He’s already looting them.

: “Scribes with swords? So much for the quill being mightier.”

: Now that we have Gale, we can have him eat these scrolls to learn the spells on them. This is probably the best way to use your gold, since most shopkeepers can be pickpocketed.

: Did I just see that skeleton move? Are they trying to pull the oldest trick in the book?

: They’re really not trying very hard, are they?

: Oh, I know what this is. This is the key to the door I picked to get in here.

: How can you know that just looking at it?

: Trust me darling, once you’ve been around as long as I have, you can just tell.

: The intended route here is to come in from the top entrance, either pick the door to this room or find the key in the trap room, and then use this key to get out.

: “Jergal? This must be ancient - no one worships the Final Scribe anymore.”

: I believe Jergal is an OC god in Baldur’s Gate - he was the god of death before he gave his powers away to three people who later became what are basically the chaos gods from Warhammer. This happens before the first game.

: There’s a tablet here that I believe is a beta artifact - in the beta, Comprehend Languages was a thing and probably would’ve let you read it.

: A button. Let’s press it.

: The cutscene puts the party behind whoever presses the button, even though everyone else was waiting by the entrance for him to finish looting.

: “That’s not good! What in the hells did you do, Astarion?!”

: To absolutely no one’s surprise, the skeletons all come to life.

: This is absolutely not ideal positioning - when I did this on Tactician, I put one person by each skeleton and was ready to nuke them before they could do anything.

: Gale and Shadowheart take out one of the caster skeletons. Ideally, I’d have had Lae’zel for this.

: …!

: …

: The caster skeletons will either pelt you with frost bolts (which will kinda fuck your melee characters) or try and silence people if they think they can get enough casters in one silence field.

: Like this one, who takes out half of Astarion’s HP in one go.

: The silence field is great because it stops the caster skeletons from doing anything if they get caught in it. Thanks to Astarion, they have no weapons and have to resort to punching.

: (Punched by a skeleton. The indignity of it all.)

: The melee skeleton is the most dangerous one… except Astarion took its scimitar, so it can’t do anything meaningful.

: “Why is it that I land these impossible crossbow shots, but I can’t make the most basic skill checks?”

: On Tactician, the skeletons are less likely to waste time putting up silence fields that don’t really benefit them in any way.

: Astarion also suffers the indignity of being punched by a skeleton for 1 damage.

: He responds by stabbing the skeleton to death. With the melee skeleton dead, it’s not hard to mop up the remaining casters.

: “Well, that was pathetic. Sorry bones, guarding dusty old trinkets.”

: I got punched by a skeleton! Who even does that?

: They really should’ve bitchslapped him instead. You know, since he’s a little bitch.

: “A lot of effort to hide one sarcophagus.”

: Speak with Dead is a ritual spell, so this amulet is only really useful at low levels.

: “Another one? Someone else get up here, I’m not getting punched by another skeleton today.”

: “So he has spoken, and so thou standest before me. Right as always. What a curious way to awaken.”

: “Now I have a question for thee: what is the worth of a single mortal’s life?”

: This is like when my wife asks me where I left the car keys. There’s a lot of answers and none of them are the right one, especially when the answer is “They were in my pocket.”

1. Quite the question. What’s the reason for it?
2. So he has spoken? What ‘he’ are you talking about?
3. Little spooked by the crawling out of the tomb bit. What are you?
4. A peaceful undead. Interesting. Why aren’t you attacking me?
5. Attack.

: Withers’s dialog is almost certainly a reference to Planescape: Torment, which released in 1999 and uses the AD&D ruleset. A lot of people insist it’s a great game, but I’ve never been able to get into it because I hate AD&D.

: In that game, you had an NPC who asks the question “What can change the nature of a man?”, to which there are 16 different answers.

: (He’s clearly some kind of lich, and I’m sure he’s asking to philosophize.)

: " ‘So he has spoken’? What ‘he’ are you talking about?"

: “An arbiter of certain matters. But that is not important now. Wilt thou answer my question?”

1. Yes. Ask away.
2. I don’t owe you answers.
3. Attack.
4. Leave.

: “Yes. Ask away.”

: “So I ask again: what is the worth of a single mortal life?”

1. No life is worth more than any other. We are all equal.
2. That depends on a person’s deeds.
3. Life’s only value is as currency. Doesn’t matter to me otherwise.
4. Each life is of infinite value and merits sacrificing everything for.
5. The only life that matters is mine.
6. Depends on the mortal.
7. [ELF] Some mortals live longer than others. I can’t compare them.
8. [BARD] A life is only worth as much as the legends remember it.

: The answer’s 5. I don’t mean for me, I mean that’s the answer. When you boil the rest down, everyone doesn’t matter unless you do.

: It’s 1.

: I used to think it was 1, but really it’s 6.

: “Each life is of infinite value and merits sacrificing everything for.”

: “And thus balance is achieved. If all are at war, none can win. Very well. I am satisfied. We have met and I know thy face. We will see each other again at the proper time and place. Farewell.”

: “Here lies the Guardian of Tombs. Through knowledge comes atonement.”

: Withers is this game’s respec NPC - he can respec a character’s class (unless they’re a paladin and have broken their oath) and their stats. He’s also how you unlock hirelings.

: In an unmodded game, hirelings are a set of pre-generated characters that you use if you don’t want to use the origin characters for some reason (or if one of them dies).

: I’m going to stop the update here because I’m going to make my character, and do another small update on the process of doing that.

: Unfortunately, I won’t be able to make fun of this one asshole I used to play Pathfinder with because most of the really out-there cosmetic shit requires race mods (which I do not want to use).

: For today’s bonus content, I want to show off one particular mod that I almost installed but then didn’t.

: Yes, there is a mod that gives Withers huge breasts. It only works on Patch 7.

: Another thing I wanted to show off is that because D&D is a Hasbro-owned property and Hasbro also owns Magic: The Gathering (a good reason not to buy into MTG), they did a BG3 expansion for Magic.

: Yep. That’s not even the gayest card Astarion gets.

: Nope, not that one where he’s sucking off Gale either.

: Yep, that one. The other character is one we haven’t met yet. Astarion got by far the most cards out of any of the party members, most of which only have one.

: I’ll show off the rest as we pick up new party members.

[Timrod]

Summary

: I use the companion mod and make my character, Lyselle. She’s going to be a sorcerer, but I have her as a monk for now. I mainly plan on using her for boss fights on tactician.

: With her in the party (I sent Gale back to camp), we can open this side door in the room where we fought the skeletons.

: This book is what we’re here for. There’s another soul coin in the sarcophagus next to the chest.

: Ah, so this is where the cultists hid their porn stash.

Narrator: This book is far lighter than it should be with such a massive lock.

1. [ARCANA] Search for an arcane rune to sabotage.
2. [STRENGTH] Smash the lock open.

: There’s a bunch of different ways to get this book open. Even if we were to fail on Pollux (and I’ll let you know in advance that Pollux does not fail a single skill check this update), we could try it again on a different character.

: “That was surprisingly easy.”

Narrator: As the lock opens, a loose page comes with it. Magic pulses from the parchment. What was once script is now an obliterated scrawl. You have a sense these are names, a list, but of what?

Narrator: Gods. These are the names of gods, once lost, but now restored after the Second Sundering.

: The game then rolls an automatic Investigation check, which Pollux also passes.

Narrator: The last three names in this book sit close together, but are so devastated by the scrawl as to be unreadable. Entire pantheons have dwindled and been reborn, silently recorded by this book.

: We also get a scroll of Ray of Enfeeblement, which we can give to Gale.

: “Ah, so that’s how we get out without alerting all those people upstairs.”

: And now, we can go through the front entrance.

: Not even gonna ask her out first?

: On the way, Lyselle spots a couple of suspicious dirt mounds. We need a shovel to deal with these and can’t get one quite yet.

: It’s at this point I quickly head back down to grab some items out of the sarcophagus Withers was in. There’s another soul coin in here, plus two special arrows: Fiend Slaying (double damage to fiends) and Roaring Thunder (which knocks enemies back if they fail a save).

: The front gate has a gnome and an elf arguing in front of it. There is a way we could kill at least one of them instantly, but there’s no need.

: “…You’re both twice as tall as me, but have half the bloody backbone!”

: “But we don’t know what that thing even is! And what about the crypt?”

: “I’m telling you - it’s a ship. And the crypt can wait! Mari and Barton have been trying to break in for days. Now we - Stop!”

: “Got ourselves competition already! That’s our ship!”

1. I mean no harm - I’m just looking around.
2. [PERSUASION] That ship is full of monsters. I wouldn’t go near it.
3. [DECEPTION] I think that ship’s an invasion force. Run while you can!
4. [INTIMIDATION] The only thing you own is your life. Leave before I take that, too.
5. Attack

: If you don’t have a charisma character, this part is probably going to be a fight. In my first run, Astarion was the only person who had a positive charisma score.

: “That ship is full of monsters. I wouldn’t go near it. Seriously, they shoot brain fluid at you and it HURTS.”

: “Well, uh, in that case… C’mon, you lot, no point in gettin’ killed. Second worm gets the cheese, an’ all…”

: “Uh, second mouse gets the cheese, no?”

: “Nobody’s getting any damn cheese! Now move it!”

: “There’s something underneath here…”

: An alternative strategy is to have someone sneak up and shoot the rope, which will drop the stone block on the two idiots and instantly kill them.

: This also opens up an alternate route into the crypt, but we don’t want to take that.

Muffled Voice: That you, Gimblebock? Everything all right out there?

1. Let me in, now.
2. Gimblebock ran. Your friends abandoned you.
3. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] Yes, it’s me. Lemme in!
4. [DECEPTION] Gimblebock triggered a trap. He needs help - now!
5. Leave.

: “Gimblebock triggered a trap. He needs help - now!”

Muffled Voice: I told him it wasn’t safe out there. Get inside, and I’ll rustle up some bandages…

: This gets us an inspiration point for Astarion, and also opens the easiest possible route inside the crypt.

: If you go in this way, there’s one scout out front, and your party starts directly on top of them.

: If I had gotten Lae’zel back, there’s a decent chance she could have killed this guy in a single hit. As it is, the party misses enough that they wind up only barely killing him before he can alert his friends.

: There is a ton of food in this room, which is the main reason I wanted to get in here. We can pretty much leave the rest, but I’ll show the strategy for it anyway.

: This door leads to the lower level of the crypt, and the rest of the enemies on this map are in there. It’s a little hard to make out, but there’s a lever to the left of the door that opens and closes it.

: The enemies are placed differently depending on how you first enter this area. This is the easiest placement - coming upstairs from the basement is probably the second easiest.

: If we come in from the front door, all the enemies are in this hallway. Two of them are standing directly next to an explosive barrel.

: If we were to come through from the crypt, there would be a single scout patrolling this hallway and the rest of the enemies would be in that room way in the back with the door closed.

: Now THAT’s how you use an explosive barrel. I love the smell of vaporized elf in the morning.

: Our party is split up and stealthed on either side of the door. You want to make sure you have someone close enough to reach the lever, especially on tactician.

: Their ranger attempts to ensnare Shadowheart, but misses.

: Pfft. Moron got his head bashed in.

: Because the enemies can’t see anyone but Shadowheart, their barbarian rushes in only to die to a critical from Lyselle. On tactician, I would have had Astarion flip the lever after the barbarian walked through.

: The other two rush in one by one and die immediately. This entire fight went by without anyone in our party taking damage.

: I only pulled this off because it took me an unreasonable amount of time to clear this on tactician when I played this the first time.

: This side room is where you’d wind up if you drop the brick on the hole in the floor outside. It’s otherwise pretty barren.

: This room is where all the enemies would have been if we had come in through one of the other routes. If you really wanted to avoid them, you could take out the hallway scout and then use the explosive barrel to blast the door to the lower level open.

: This lever in the back opens the door to the lower level. We’ve now seen everything here, so let’s move on.

: A little bit further up the path, you can see two tieflings standing around a cage.

: A cage that happens to have Lae’zel in it. We could simply sneak attack the tieflings and kill them, but there’s a relatively hard to get achievement for saving all of the tieflings we find.

: “Zorru was right. Yellow as a toad, and twice as ugly.”

: “The thing’s dangerous. Leave it for the goblins to kill.”

: “And if it escapes? How will you - Oh! A guest.”

Narrator: Your skull pounds in response to the prisoner’s white-hot state. Her lips don’t move, yet you hear her voice.

: “Get rid of them.”

1. Rather demanding for a woman in your position. Why should I?
2. Don’t worry - I’ll get them out of here, one way or another.
3. [DECEPTION] This creature is dangerous. Get out of here - leave it to me!
4. [PERSUASION] Shoot the trap down. We must kill it before it harms someone.
5. [BARD] [DECEPTION] Oh, gods! You’ve caught a scout; the gith invasion force is right behind me - save yourselves!
6. Attack.
7. Leave.

: “Oh, gods! You’ve caught a scout; the gith invasion force is right behind me - save yourselves!”

: “Hells, this isn’t worth it. I’m out of here.”

: “Enough gawking - get me down.”

: “Now that they’re out of earshot, sure.”

: You’d think she would just kick the floor in herself.

: “The tadpole hasn’t yet scrambled all your senses. Auspicious. But the longer we wait, the more it consumes. My people possess the cure for this infection. I must find a creche, you will join me.”

: “Careful - she obviously sees your kindness as weakness. Don’t let her take advantage.”

: “What exactly is a creche?”

: "It is many things. A hatchery, a training grounds, a shelter. Githyanki protocol is clear: when infected with a ghaik tadpole, we must report to a ghustil for purification.

: “All right. We journey together. Let’s find this creche.”

: “You have made an ally from Creche K’liir - few know such fortune. Call me Lae’zel.”

: This loses us approval with Shadowheart, but that’s not a big deal.

: “I’ll trust your judgement - but I won’t trust her. Not until I’ve gotten the measure of her.”

: “You’ve a sharp tongue, elf. Would that your mind proved its equal.”

: “Half-Elf. I suppose the finer details are lost on a creature like you.”

: “Come. The horned ones mentioned a camp. One there - this Zorru - has seen githyanki. A creche must be near. We will ask this Zorru where he has seen my kin.”

: This scene is one you wouldn’t typically see on a tactician or honor mode playthrough. Why?

: We already know the fight on the beach against the intellect devourers is a pain in the ass - which is why most people on harder difficulties are going to use a devilish little workaround.

: That workaround is throwing Lae’zel off the nautiloid at the start of the game, right after you get control of her.

: Instead of splattering on somebody’s roof in Hell, her dead body winds up on the beach next to you when you wake up and can be revived from there.

: Doing that also skips this scene, and the potential fight that ensues if you fail the persuasion roll.

: It’s also just kinda funny to have Lae’zel threaten you and then immediately throw herself to her death.

: Lae’zel reaches level 2, which gives her the ability to make an extra attack once per short rest. At high levels, this means she can potentially make four attacks in a round.

: A little further ahead, Pollux will mention hearing shouting up ahead. When I played this game (which I think was Patch 3 or Patch 4) you could potentially softlock the game if you went into stealth here.

: I decided to test it.

: Three people, all shouting for someone to open the gate.

: “Open the bloody gate! That pack of goblins will be on us any second!”

: “What’s going on?”

: “Goblins are on our tail. Open the gate, Zevlor. Now.”

: I don’t see what’s so threatening about them. They’re horny little bastards you can punt like a football.

: “You let goblins here? Where is the druid?”

: “Please! There’s no time!”

: I have no idea why he felt the need to pluck that arrow out of the shield.

: “By the Nine Hells. Open the gate!”

: And this, kids, is why we don’t leave the gate mechanism exposed.

: “Kanon… no!”

: “Shit! Form a line!”

: It works for Final Fantasy characters.

: “Damnable roach. Provoke the blade…”

: “…and suffer its sting.”

: This is Wyll. Let’s just do his introduction now, because I’m never using him.

Wyll

Known as ‘The Blade of Frontiers’, Wyll uses his magic to fell the monsters and devils menacing the Sword Coast. In a moment of desperation, he accepted an offer of greater power, forcing him into an infernal game he is struggling to play.

: Wyll suffers from the writers not really knowing what they wanted him to be until the last minute. He was nearly completely re-written right before release, and you can do his entire character plotline without him ever being in the party and not miss much.

: He also suffers from being a warlock, which is a class that exists to take a one-level dip in. If you’re going to use him, you’re going to want to respec him to something else ASAP.

: “Seven years ago, I was exiled from Baldur’s Gate, the city I call home. The people of the Sword Coast call me the Blade of Frontiers - champion of the meek, defender of the innocent.”

: So what you’re saying is you’re a LARPer.

: “The truth isn’t quite so simple, but they’re right about one thing. I hunt monsters, and I always catch my prey. My latest target is a devil, and I’m right on her tail. Once I’m through with her, she’ll never escape the fires of the first hell.”

: And with that, we’ve met all but one of the characters with a starting introduction.

: “Are they fighting over there? I hear fighting.”

: Let’s just hope she dies before we get there.

: This is a pretty scripted fight. Wyll and the mercenaries are going to take most of the heat here. Fortunately, three out of our four party members are half a mile away and stealthed.

: Astarion sneaks up from the left and sneak attacks one of the goblins to death.

: Lae’zel goes last and hits a goblin for 17 damage - nearly twice its maximum HP. This is the best I’ve seen this fight go: usually, at least one of the mercenaries is dead by now.

: The biggest threats are the worg (the fucked-up looking dog thing) and this orange asshole. The orange asshole has a weapon that hits for 2 damage even if he misses. Other than that, it’s extremely easy and no one even comes close to dying.

: "That was the last of them. Inside - all of you! More may follow. Open the gate!’

: Lae’zel hits level 3.

: At this point, we get a choice of sub-classes for her.

: First up is Champion. Champion’s big draw is that you crit on a 19 or 20 instead of just a 20. It’s garbage when you consider that in 3.5E, fighters specced for it could threaten crits on a 13.

: The main difference is that in 3.5E, you had to “confirm” criticals by rolling your attack a second time, and only got the critical if that second attack hit. This doesn’t exist in 5E.

: There are certain items you can use to lower your crit range down to like 17-20, but why?

: Second is Eldritch Knight, which is a dumbass “spellsword” class. Some people swear by it, and there is exactly one item in the game (which we could get now) that makes it viable.

: Third is Battle Master. Battle Master is a resource subclass that gives you “superiority dice” which you can spend to do certain combat maneuvers.

: Feinting Attack is one of those: you can do what used to be called a “full-round attack” to attack with advantage and do an additional 1d8 damage. With Lae’zel’s sword, this will reduce most enemies to a bloody mist.

: Feinting Attack is effectively a better version of a 3.5E feat called Power Attack, which let you intentionally take a penalty to your attack roll to do more damage.

: Disarming Attack lets you do an additional d8 of damage AND makes an attempt to disarm the enemy. This used to be a regular action in 3.5E (minus the extra damage).

: Finally, I take Sweeping Attack. Sweeping Attack is the 5E version of a 3.5E feat called Whirlwind Attack, which let you give up your extra attacks to hit all enemies in reach.

: Whirlwind Attack was part of a hilarious exploit in 3E (it was fixed in 3.5E) known as the “Bag of Rats” fighter. The idea is you took Whirlwind Attack and a second feat called Greater Cleave - Greater Cleave let you roll a second attack any time you killed something.

: What you’d do is carry around a bag of rats, do a whirlwind attack (which hits all the rats in the bag, kills them, and procs greater cleave for each one) and then use the dozens of rats you killed to get a ridiculous number of AOE attacks in.

: Granted, you had to be fairly high level to pull that off and most DMs wouldn’t let you do it, but it worked by rules as written.

: This is not the only exploit involving dead rodents I will be talking about this update.

: "There are children here, you fool!’

: “We was running for our lives.”

: “You led them straight to us. And you let them take the druid, too. Unbelievable!”

1. Where there’s one goblin, there’s ten. I’m leaving before the horde shows up.
2. One fight just ended, and now you’re picking another? Relax.
3. Druid? Those goblins didn’t take any prisoners.
4. You can cough up my payment any time now.
5. [BARD] What’s unbelievable is how we beat the goblins! You’re both heroes!

: “What’s unbelievable is how we beat the goblins! You’re both heroes!”

: “And who the hell are you again?!”

: “Show some respect! This man saved your pathetic life.”

: “Well, I didn’t ask for any goddamn help.”

: “Please. You were begging me to open the gate. Anything to save yourself, you coward.”

Narrator: The human’s eye twitches. He’s about to blow.

1. [ATTACK] Take a swing at the tiefling.
2. [ATTACK] Aim a blow at the human.
3. [INTIMIDATION] If you want me to take both of you down, I will. Otherwise, knock it off.
4. [PERSUASION] More violence won’t bring back those you lost. Stop and think.
5. Stand back and watch.

: “More violence won’t bring back those you lost. Stop and think.”

: “You’re right. There’s too much at stake.”

: “Worried about your precious hides, the both of you.”

: “Enough. Squabbling is pointless. The goblins have found us.”

: “At least we agree on that.”

: Aradin’s group fucks off, and now we can talk to Zevlor for an idea of just what the hell we’re doing here.

: “Forgive that display. Aradin’s a blowhard, but that’s no cause for me to join him. Thank you for your help out there. I’m Zevlor.”

: “I’m Pollux.”

: “Well met. I should warn you - visitors are no longer welcome in this grove. Whatever your business, I’d see to it quickly. The druids are forcing everyone out. This attack will only strengthen their resolve.”

1. I have no quarrel with druids.
2. Why are they forcing you out?
3. Those goblins - have there been many attacks like that?
4. I won’t be staying long - I just need to find a healer.

: “Why are they forcing you out?”

: “There have been several attacks by different monsters. The druids blame us ‘outsiders’ for drawing them here. Nobody’s welcome anymore.”

: “They’ve started a ritual to cut the grove off from the world outside. We can’t stay, but we’ll be slaughtered if we leave - we’re no fighters.”

1. This ritual - is there no way to convince the druids to stop it?
2. I need a healer.
3. What brought you here?

: “We’re refugees from Elturel - we took shelter here after gnolls attacked us on the road. We were bound for Baldur’s Gate, and it was too late to turn back. Elturel had no place for tieflings after the Descent.”

: I’m going to stop here, just briefly. There’s a history check (done automatically) but I’m going to skip it because it doesn’t really explain anything.

: “The Descent” is from a tie-in adventure path for 5E (2014 edition) that WoTC released about a year before BG3 went into beta.

: The plot is a pretty shameless ripoff of the Fallen London setting. The idea is that an entire city gets teleported to Avernus as the result of a deal with a devil, and your job is to bring it back.

: The good news is that none of the characters (at least, from a casual browsing of the character list on a wiki) show up in this game apart from one that we haven’t met yet.

: I have procured a copy of the book, so I can go into a little more detail when we get to those parts.

: “I need a healer.”

: “Goblin got you? The druid Halsin’s a renowned healer, but he didn’t make it back from Aradin’s expedition.”

: Must’ve gotten fromagged or whatever.

: “If it’s not too serious, you could try his apprentice, Nettie. She’s with the other druids, in the inner grove. They’ve withdrawn there to prepare this damn ritual of theirs.”

: “This ritual - is there no way to convince the druids to stop it?”

: “I’ve tried. Kagha - their new First Druid - won’t even see me. You, though… I know it’s not your business, but she owes you for saving this place. Perhaps you could persuade her. For more time to prepare, if nothing else.”

1. I’ll see what I can do.
2. I’m sorry. I’ve got my own problems.
3. What are you offering for my aid?

: “I’ll see what I can do.”

: “Really? We’re messengers now?”

: Astarion disapproves of pretty much anything that doesn’t benefit him in some way. Same for Lae’zel. It wouldn’t be off to say that most of the party members (apart from Gale and Wyll) would probably be Evil aligned in the tabletop game.

: They sold 5E character sheets for the origin characters as a pre-order bonus so I could check, but I’m not paying WoTC a dime.

: “We’d owe you a great debt. If we’re forced to leave now, we won’t make it to the city. You’ll find the druids at the heart of the grove. Please - make them see sense, before more lives are lost.”

: We now have the run of the druid grove, but first…

: If you’re going for the achievement for keeping all the tieflings alive (not that I see why you would), there’s something you should do as soon as you get control back.

: Off to the side is a hill, and on top of that hill…

: Is the world’s first e-girl from that cutscene earlier. More importantly though, there’s a bugbear crouched behind her who is about to rearrange her insides.

: Now, the funny thing to do would be to shoot her in the head in front of the bugbear. Show that little goblin bitch who’s boss.

: Or we can sneak Lae’zel up there and have her hit it. This gives the party a free surprise round, at which point it is virtually impossible not to save the tiefling.

: You could also choose to just never come up here. That also counts as saving her, probably because the bugbear gets bored and fucks off. The problem is that the radius at which the bugbear will activate is pretty big and you want to avoid accidentally tripping it.

: “You have good timing. Never been much of a fighter, so wrestling a bugbear would have gone poorly. But you’re not here for heroics, are you? Avernus’ stench is all over your skin.”

: (Knew I should’ve jumped in the water at the beach.)

: “Let me guess, your devil mistress sent you to get her soul coin back. Too bad. I earned it fair and square.”

1. Coin? Mistress? You lost me.
2. I’ve been to Avernus, but I’m no devil’s servant.
3. That bugbear would’ve crushed your skull. This is the thanks I get?
4. [DECEPTION] You got me. Hand over the coin and I’ll be on my way.

: “I’ve been to Avernus, but I’m no devil’s servant.”

: “Care to explain why you reek of the hells?”

1. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
2. [PERSUASION] A mind flayer abducted me, and its ship went straight to Avernus.
3. [INTIMIDATION] No, I don’t. But that coin of yours is mine.

: “A mind flayer abducted me, and its ship went straight to Avernus.”

: “Well, that’s quite a story. And I thought I was doomed. Now I feel sorry for you. Here, take this. It’s worth a fortune. But a fortune’s not worth much if you’re dead. Consider it payment for saving my life.”

Narrator: A soul coin, true to its name, holds a mortal soul inside. It serves in the Nine Hells as very valuable currency.

: (I’ve got four of these things now. I just hope I never have the opportunity to use them as currency.)

: The bugbear has a couple bottles of poison on it, which can be applied to weapons to do extra damage (that a save negates). The save DC is really low and they’re probably better off sold.

: We can look through Nadira’s telescope to spot a dragon that looks suspiciously like the ones that attacked the nautiloid. With that done, let’s go around stealing from the merchants here.

: This dwarf here is the first merchant, and is the easiest to steal from. Unfortunately, as you can see, there’s red all around him. That’s no good - we can’t steal from him unless we can stealth in and stealth out.

: The good news is, the sight lines are coming from that group of tieflings down there, and we can easily get them to move. We have to do this anyway if we want to save them all.

Lia: Hells, we can’t just leave. They’re kin.

Rolan: I’ll not gamble our lives, our futures, on people who are as good as dead. We must leave for Baldur’s Gate - at once.

Cal: Can we all just take a moment? Please?

Lia: What’s the point in blades and spells if we don’t bloody use them? We should stay. These people aren’t fighters. We can help.

Cal: Or yell louder. That’s fine too.

: I’m going to cut incidental NPC dialog down to just a quote box to keep the updates from getting too long.

1. Say nothing.
2. Get out while you can - the goblins will be back.
3. [PERSUASION] You should all stay. A single blade could make a difference.
4. Leave.

: I’ll spoil what happens if we do nothing or tell them to leave - they all die. We don’t want that, so let’s persuade.

: “You should all stay. A single blade could make the difference.”

Lia: Thank you! It’s the right thing to do, and you know it.

Cal: She’s right, Rolan. We’re better than this.

Rolan: Zurgan. Fine, I’ll stay too. Lest you both end up with your throats slit by a goblin blade.

: Now that we’ve got them out of the way, we can start stealing. The trick is that you need to be able to approach your target in stealth and leave in stealth.

: The reason for this is that stealth in this game is very fucky, even in Patch 8 with all hotfixes applied. Stealing is doubly fucky.

: If your stealth gets broken for some reason during pickpocketing, even if you have not failed any checks, the person you’re pickpocketing will psychically know it’s you. Any time you come close to them after that, they’ll be on guard and refuse to turn their backs.

: Each item has a difficulty check based on how much it weighs - this is one good reason to keep a caster in your party, because their gear is usually the easiest to steal.

: You also want to make sure your party is nowhere near the target, because as soon as you stop stealing from them, they go on alert and try to hunt down the thief. This includes your party members who didn’t actively participate.

: Astarion steals himself a new set of light armor, a bow, and some enchanted gloves that reduce incoming missile damage. This used to be a feat monks could take in 3.5E.

: We also level him up. Thief is hands down the best rogue subclass - it gives you an extra bonus action (meaning one more hand crossbow shot per turn) and reduces fall damage.

: Assassin is a gimmick subclass based around stacking initiative bonuses, because it gives you auto-crits against any target that is surprised or that hasn’t taken a turn yet. It sucks because most enemies (and all bosses) are immune to being surprised after the start of the game.

: And, of course, Arcane Trickster is the designated “spell hybrid” subclass. It sucks.

: Shadowheart gets access to 2nd-level spells. We’ll talk about these as I use them.

: And finally, Pollux gets his sub-class choice. College of Swords is the best one - it makes him a martial character in addition to being a full spellcaster. Contrary to the name, a College of Swords bard is best used with dual hand crossbows.

: College of Lore is a pure skill monkey build. It gets a debuff that you can use bardic performance points on and a couple of extra spells, in addition to proficiency in three more skills.

: College of Valor is halfway between Swords and Lore - you get medium armor proficiency and you can use your bardic inspiration to boost attack rolls.

: I wind up making him College of Swords, but give him a one-weapon spec rather than a dual-wield spec. The reason is so that he’s not competing with Astarion for gear.

: This has the side benefit of letting him equip a shield for extra armor class, which will help in the event that something decides to engage him in melee.

: Pollux also gets some melee skills he can spend his performance points on, which allow him to do things like increase his AC or attack more than one enemy.

: Now let me show you the correct way to steal from merchants, assuming you’re on Patch 7.

: The druid grove has three traders, only one of which is easy to rob. On Honor Mode, you probably don’t want to try that since it can lead to the entire grove turning on you if you fail a check.

: Up until Patch 8, there was a fun little workaround that most Honor Mode runs used to get around this. The workaround involves a corpse and two containers.

: First, we level up Lyselle. We’ll make her a Way of the Open Hand monk because that sounds like a technique for jacking off and it’s also the best monk build.

: Next, we have Lyselle kill this asshole squirrel. Fuck this squirrel. It deserved it. If you’re one of those “I can’t kill an innocent animal” people, you can use one of the intellect devourers from the beach instead.

: These two boxes here will work just fine for our containers. Anything is fine as long as the “loot” command isn’t red when you right-click on it.

: You might notice that we have five party members. That’s a bug from the custom companion mod, and I’ve been making sure to dismiss somebody whenever we’re making progress so we’re at the usual party size of 4.

: Now we find a trader, and we loot the squirrel before closing our inventory.

: Then we sell the trader one of our boxes, while holding a dead squirrel.

: We put everything the trader has into the box, and then switch to Barter mode up at the top. Then, we shift-click to drag all the items from the box into the dead squirrel.

: This duplicates everything into the squirrel’s inventory. All we have to do now is switch the top switch back to Trade and hit the X button in the top-right to close out.

: And there you have it. We’ve downloaded a car using only a dead squirrel.

: Someone just discovered, while I was writing this, a similar exploit in Patch 8. It’s probably going to get hotfixed at some point, but if you make a warlock with the “hexblade” subclass you can switch your bound weapon (which can’t be sold) for a crap one at a merchant and sell your bound weapon without actually selling it.

: The second merchant is a tiefling named Dammon. He’s where the squirrel trick comes in handy, because it is virtually impossible to steal from him without being forced out of stealth.

: We don’t want to piss him off (which will cause him to automatically notice us if we try to rob him again) because he shows up later in the game and is much easier to rob there, so I dump all the party’s crap on him and buy a couple items.

: Most of this stuff isn’t really worth it, but we’re carrying around a lot of useless crap so I might as well buy it.

Dammon: Learned a lot in my time in the Hells. I hope to forget most of it, but between you and me, there’s nothing in all the realms like the utter power of infernal machinery.

: Huh, he’s an infernal mechanic. That might be important.

: The third trader is Auntie Ethel, who seems to know a lot of things she shouldn’t - she’ll call out Astarion for being a vampire, for instance. She has nothing we really care about… except a pretty good monk staff that Lyselle will probably use the secret rat method to obtain.

: I fucking hate Auntie Ethel. She is a bad fanfiction character who doesn’t really fit in the setting.

: The entrance to the inner grove has a bunch of tieflings standing in it demanding to be let through.

: “Let my daughter go - right now.”

Jeorna: She’s a thief, hellspawn. And you will wait for Kagha’s judgement. Now get back.

: Jeorna is the druid in the middle. I’m not going to bother making a portrait because she has all of three lines.

: Also because she’s not going to need a name once I’m done ripping her to shreds.

: “Argh Let me through, mragreshem, or I’ll rip your damned throat out!”

: The dumbass on the left turns into a bear, which is exactly what you want a druid to do. You know what bears can’t do? Cast spells. They also can’t use ranged weapons, and because they’re Large they take an armor class penalty.

: “We need to go get Arabella out. Now.”

: “You heard the guards - they’re waiting on Kagha to give word.”

: "I’d sooner trek through the Nine Hells than trust that snake. Argh.

1. I saw what happened. Why are the druids holding your daughter?
2. You need to be careful. That bear would have torn you to shreds.

: “I saw what happened. Why are the druids holding your daughter?”

: (Not that I particularly fancy the idea of fighting an entire grove of druids. We’d need way more explosives.)

: “Arabella tried to steal their idol. Druids lost their damn minds about it - they need it for their precious ritual.”

: “It’s all my fault. I told her I wished the wretched thing would just disappear - or better yet, explode.”

: “Now Arabella is being judged by a bunch of druids who hate us. That’s not right.”

: “Sounds like she made the fatal mistake of getting caught. We shouldn’t get involved.”

1. She’s just a child - the druids are overreacting. I’ll talk to them.
2. You’ve got your work cut out for you.
3. Like you said - it’s your fault. You should’ve tried parenting her.
4. Thieves deserve to be punished. It’s as simple as that.

: “She’s just a child. The druids are overreacting, I’ll talk to them.”

: “Thank you. They won’t give us the time of day.”

Jeorna: You - get back.

1. If it weren’t for me, you’d be overrun by goblins by now. I’ll go where I please.
2. What’s so special down here?
3. I’m not looking for trouble. Can’t you just let me by?
4. Ignore them and proceed.
5. Leave.

: “If it weren’t for me, you’d be overrun by goblins by now. I’ll go where I please.”

Jeorna: Keep back. Force my hand, and I’ll show you its claws.

: Try me.

Mino: A moment, Jeorna.

Jeorna: What…? Oh, I understand. You - apparently Kagha wants to see you. Go ahead.

: In case you’re wondering, I have recorded a route that starts right here in which we murder every single person in the druid grove, including all of the tieflings because the game kind of breaks down if you start trying to kill people out of nowhere.

: This is actually a completely valid way to end the quest, and has its own cutscene where a druid brutally fucking murders a tiefling.

: I’ll do a bonus update on it, but here’s me using some explosives to turn those assholes into meat paste. This is what I do in RPGs - I’m a pragmatist.

: Mmmm… explosive-seared bear heart. Delicious.

: Back on the route where we don’t murder everyone, this bard calls over to us as we pass him. This is Volo, one of WoTC’s original characters. If you read the optional update, you’d know that one of the GM splatbooks for monsters in 5E is “Volo’s Guide to Everything” - he’s the narrator of that book.

: “Ah, my good friend! You were at the gates just now, no? When the goblins came? You saw them up close? A few questions, if you please. There’s no overstating my interest.”

1. Fine - ask your questions.
2. And there’s no overstating my disinterest. I’ve no time for questions.
3. Leave.

: “Fine - ask your questions.”

: “Glory! Now, then: How would you describe that particular batch of goblins? Size? Nature? Distinguishing qualities?”

: They’re like footballs that can talk.

Narrator: You search your mind, successfully recalling various details of goblin behavior.

1. [BARD] A classic raid gang, complete with lasher and smattering of booyahgs.
2. They were goblins, same as all the others: lowly and vile.
3. Give an exact description.
4. [BARD] Didn’t you see the tentacled ship? It was an illithid invasion force - the goblins were being controlled!

: “A classic raid gang, complete with lasher and smattering of booyaghs.”

: I’m sure these are all terms from the Monster Manual but I don’t feel like referencing it.

: “My! A scholar after my own heart. Spent much time among goblins?”

1. The time was spent among books. I’m a student of the page.
2. I’d rather not say. Are we done here?
3. I’m not unfamiliar with their kind, certainly.

: “The time was spent among books. I’m a student of the page.”

: (In that I had a page who brought me the books.)

: “Aha! I’ve always preferred experience to the second-hand accounts of lesser men. But to each their own. Now, I’ve a few more questions, if you don’t mind.”

: “And the… dragon they had marching in the rear. Was it of the brass or silver variety?”

1. Dragon…? There wasn’t any dragon.
2. Heh - it was brass. No doubt about it.
3. I think there’s been a misunderstanding. What do you want, exactly?
4. [BARD] Neither! It was a gold dragon, scales glittering and wings gleaming.
5. [BARD] Dragons? Really? How gauche.

: “Dragons? Really? How gauche.”

: “Witness… declined… to… comment… on… nature… of… dragon…”

: “Last question, then you’ll be quite free. Did the attackers rally to ‘the Absolute’ when they fell upon the gates?”

1. Yes - they called out the name like a war cry.
2. I don’t think so. I was concentrating on not dying.
3. [BARD] Quite so. They sang the phrase like a battle-hymn.

: “Quite so. They sang the phrase like a battle hymn.”

: “They did, didn’t they? Oh-ho, curious. Curious indeed. I’ve interrogated one - a captive in this very camp. She reports they’ve abandoned their god Maglubiyet in favor of someone called ‘the Absolute’. The scandal!”

1. Goblin superstition - not worth the ink and parchment.
2. Hold your tongue.
3. [BARD] Dramatic. How has Maglubiyet responded?

: “Dramatic. How has Maglubiyet responded?”

: “Oh, I’d imagine him quite displeased. Since their change in allegiance, these goblins are informed by a kind of strategy anathema to their kind.”

: “I, for one, intend to get to the bottom of it. I’m just preparing to head to their camp as we speak. In fact… if you’ll excuse me, I ought not to dawdle.”

: “Wait. About our conversation earlier - why the dragon?”

: “My friend, every story benefits from a dragon. Until we meet again!”

: This is the main area where the druids are performing the ritual. We’ll take a look around in the next update - for now, I want to head right to Kagha so we can progress the plot.

: This is the door to where she is - the inner sanctum.

: “Please… I’m sorry!”

: “This is madness, Kagha. She’s just a…”

: “A what, Rath? A thief? A poison? A threat?”

: Kagha looks a little like a younger JK Rowling, so you know she’s evil.

: “I will imprison the devil. And I will cast out every stranger.”

: In an actual tabletop game, she would not have lasted this long. Someone would already have initiated combat.

1. Thief? Posion? What’s this girl’s actual crime?
2. Imprison her? She’s just a child.
3. Do nothing.
4. One of your guards outside said you wanted to see me. Here I am.

: “Girl? You mean parasite. She eats our food, drinks our water. Then steals our most holy idol in thanks! Rath - lock her up. She remains here until the rite is complete.”

: “And keep still, devil. Teela is restless.”

: “Come, Kagha. We took the idol back. Surely…”

: “Do it.”

1. [NATURE] Don’t druids cherish harmony? Jailing the girl disrupts nature’s balance.
2. [PERSUASION] Release her. I’ll see that she stays out of trouble.
3. [BARD] [PERSUASION] Silvanus was more concerned with ‘nobly sown seeds’ than punishing children, was He not?
4. Keep silent.
5. Prepare to attack.

: We need to make this check or Arabella dies.

: (It’s a good thing I went to those lectures on druidic dogma. Time to turn her own bullshit against her.)

: “Silvanus was more concerned with ‘nobly sown seeds’ than punishing children, was He not?”

: Silvanus is the god of the druids, and was at one point a mortal.

: “The words of the Treefather, spoken plain. It is as you say. Ssifisu - Teela, to me.”

: Lae’zel disapproves of us not letting her kill a child. By the way, the weird italic word is probably druidic - druids in D&D speak their own language that no one else can.

: It’s not so much the child killing I disapprove of as the fact that she’s such a smug fucking bitch about it. It’s too bad there’s no option to mind control her into lighting herself on fire.

: “Out, thief. My grace has its limits.”

: “Ngh… it hurts…”

: This scene is very different if you are playing as Shadowheart because you learn exactly what’s causing the weird light.

: “Thank you, Kagha. Master Halsin would…”

: “Halsin isn’t here. Keep his name off your tongue, lest Teela pierce it.”

: I should mention that the reason Kagha has a snake (I mean, other than as a metaphor) is because she’s a caster druid. I forget if “fuck shit up” druids get companions in 5E or not.

: Snakes are the worst animal companion by the way, because unlike a bear or a big cat or something, they can’t wear armor.

: Shadowheart has a scene here, so we might as well talk to her.

: “I know that look - you’re wondering why I was in pain before. Let’s just clear the air about that now. It’s just an old wound that hurts me from time to time. Nothing to be concerned about.”

: (…Right. The kind of wound that glows.)

: We should probably shoot it with something and see if it explodes.

: “It’s nothing to do with the tadpoles at least, in case your imagination is in danger of getting away from you. It’s just… something I have to live with.”

: “How badly does it hurt?”

: “Quite a lot, if I’m being honest. But it always passes quickly, so I can manage.”

: Next time, we’ll investigate the inner sanctum and expose Kagha for what she is… after I do an optional update showing off the genocide route. EDIT: I’ve decided to save Descent to Avernus for a bit later in the game once we’ve met one more character.

[Timrod]

Summary

: “So I’ve been thinking. Kagha’s obviously evil, and we need to stop this ritual somehow. Now, we could obviously just kill her - only I’m pretty sure she’d overpower us.”

: “Aren’t you forgetting something? We have high explosives.”

: “But how are we going to get them near Kagha? Won’t all the druids immediately suspect us if we’re carrying around giant glowing vats of flammable purple goo?”

: “These are druids we’re talking about. They’re superstitious morons who worship a tree. I’m sure you can talk your way past them.”

: “I say, what is the meaning of all of this? Am I going to have to execute a child again?”

: “Oh, I’m sorry. This is a, uh… lightweight elven juice cleanse I made. It’s all natural. Purges the bad stuff right out of you.”

: “Do juice cleanses… normally require you to drink this much juice? What kind of fruit is this juice from?”

: I call it dumb bitch juice.

: I feel like being destroyed in a fiery explosion is about as clean as your colon’s going to get.

Sentry: The time has come. Remove the outsiders!

: Now that Kagha is dead, we have to kill everyone else in this room before we can go outside. This includes Rath, who joins the fight even though it doesn’t really make sense for him to.

: At this point, we have to mop up the remaining druids. On this version of the genocide route, the tieflings are on our side.

: “I knew Kagha had twisted them, but for so many to turn on us… thank you for standing with us. I need to check on my people, but come see me when you have a chance.”

: Most of his people are lying facedown in a giant pool of blood. This technically resolves the entire quest: Kagha is dead and the remaining tieflings can leave whenever.

: This isn’t the real genocide route, though. That happens if we decide to simply blow the druids doing the ritual up before even meeting Kagha.

: “Hey, you! Fuckstick! What’s this purple shit?”

: “Juice cleanse!”

: Boom! When you get to hell, tell Lucifer I sent you! He’d get a kick out of that.

: This is the point at which the game starts breaking. One of the tieflings sees us blow up the guards, and attempts to arrest us.

: The druid trader also runs halfway across the camp for no good reason to join in. Most of the tieflings have single-digit HP on balanced and are not a threat.

: We kill Arabella’s parents because they want to kill us. Note that the druids in the circle don’t give a shit.

: "Juice cleanse!’

: Pollux and Astarion kill off the last druid in the circle.

Sentry: The outlander serves Zevlor!

Sentry: The time has come. Remove the outsiders!

: This druid goes Hotline Miami on the tiefling. However, the game bugs: we don’t actually fight anything else.

: For some reason, the remaining tieflings and druids - including Kagha and Nettie - run back over here and start killing each other.

: Soon, everyone is dead.

: This still resolves the quest. Our job here is done.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3! Today, we’re going to explore the druid grove and see what we can find. I think we’ll start with this room right here, the one on the left.

: The druids will attack us if we interact with almost anything in this room, even just reading the open books they left out on the tables. I think that part’s a code oversight.

: They don’t come in here for the most part though.

: That’s odd. There’s a crawlspace behind this bookshelf. Someone’s hiding something.

: This spot’s really easy to miss. The game skips it entirely if you keep progressing the main quest, and it’s totally optional.

: Mara? Who is this, and why are they in my LP?

: No clue, I thought you invited her. She just showed up and took charge. Kinda reminds me of the princess that way.

: I’m only the best furry streamer around! Astra Fischer, at your service! Say hi, chat!

: Astra was done by sofftiddies on Bluesky. The portraits were done by l0re21 on Discord.

[The marks crisscrossing the page don’t look scribed so much as slashed.]

Kagha.

Swamp-docks. Tree. Meet me. Alone.

Olodan.

: And what’s this? A copy of the Shadow Druids’ doctrine? In Kagha’s personal chest? Not quite enough to ruin her, but we’re close…

: This part is totally optional. If you know where the tree mentioned in the note is, you can just go right there and end the quest.

: Let’s go say hi to Nettie.

1. Is there anything I can do to help?
2. Wait patiently.
3. Excuse me? I’m more important than some bird.
4. Leave.

: “Is there anything I can do to help?”

: “A moment!”

: “Vis medicatrix… There. It’s up to her now. Life or death.”

: I think it’s so cool that all of the spells are in Latin.

: I just point my finger at stuff and it explodes. No Latin required.

: A lot of people remember the incantation for the Fire Bolt cantrip (“Ignis!”) but personally I prefer the Invoker in DOTA 2. I hate that game but I can still quote most of his voice lines from memory.

: The last time I touched that game was in 2012 and I didn’t even main Invoker.

: “Now, what was it you needed?”

1. I’m looking for Nettie.
2. I need help. Now.
3. Healing. Looks like I came to the right person.

: “Healing. Looks like I came to the right person.”

: “I do what I can. For most folks, that’s enough. Come here. Let’s have a look at you.”

: “You seem healthy enough. A bit tired 'round the eyes, maybe.”

1. No good way of putting this. I…uh… have a tadpole in my head.
2. More than tired. Something crawled into my eye.
3. Right. Yes, I’m… very tired indeed.

: “More than tired. Something crawled into my eye.”

: “Crawled in? Some sort of bug or - wait… Did it look like a tadpole? But from your worst nightmare? All slime, teeth, and tentacles?”

1. You know of them? Can you help me?
2. What other kinds are there? It’s not like a frog hopped in my eye.
3. Actually, never mind. I’ll get help elsewhere.

: “You know them? Can you help me?”

: “I-I’ll do what I can. Come, follow me. I might be able to help.”

: The dialog coming up changes slightly depending on whether you follow her alone or whether the party joins you.

: (That’s a dead drow over on that slab.)

: As soon as we get close enough, a voice rings out in Pollux’s head urging him to take the parasite on the table. On a tactician run, you probably want to grab as many of these as you can.

: “This one had the same problem as you. Attacked us in the woods together with some goblins. Tadpole crawled out of his head soon after.”

1. The drow and I have the same kind of parasite?
2. I’m hoping for a less grave cure.
3. So you killed him and laid him out on the table?
4. Is everyone being captured by mind flayers these days? Didn’t think it was a common experience.

: “I’m hoping for a less grave cure. There has to be some kind of surgery or something, right?”

: “I’ll do the best I can. I’m no Master Halsin, mind. He’d have your tadpole out like that. Still, we have options.”

: (Why is she looking at that branch like that?)

: “You don’t have to be here for this.”

: “Please, don’t mind me. I’ll just watch.”

: (I am going to laugh so hard if she puts that in his eye, and even harder if it’s a suppository.)

: “All right, let’s see what we can do.”

1. Thank you, I’ll take anything that can help.
2. What’s that plant? Will it help?
3. Just hurry up and cure me. I don’t have time to chat.

: “Thank you, I’ll take anything that can help.”

: Pollux about to get the old Isaac Clarke special.

: Can we not talk about that? I’m still traumatized.

: “Of course. Now, tell me what’s been happening. Any symptoms? Strange events?”

1. I can merge my mind with anyone else that’s infected.
2. I fell from a ship in the sky, but something caught me. It saved my life.
3. An intellect devourer spoke to me as if I were one of its own.
4. No, nothing strange, I just want it out of my head.

: “I can merge my mind with anyone else that’s infected.”

: (Not that I want to. I’ve seen enough for one lifetime already.)

: “Victims can identify each other? Not that the victims know they’re victims, of course. How’d you pick up the parasite? Halsin was desperate to find where all this was happening.”

1. On a mind flayer ship - I was kidnapped and infected.
2. I don’t know, I just woke up with it.
3. You’re asking a lot of questions…
4. Look, are you going to cure me or not?

: “On a mind flayer ship - I was kidnapped and infected.”

: "A mind flayer ship? But Master Halsin was sure - "

: “…Look, you’ve been straight with me, so I’ll be straight with you. You’re dangerous. If you transform here, we’re all dead. But you seem like a good soul. You deserve a chance to save yourself.”

: “This is a vial of wyvern poison. Swear to me you’ll swallow it if you feel any symptoms.”

: It’s like Pollux never escaped hell in the first place with the way everyone’s trying to kill him.

1. I thought you could cure me. What about that branch of yours?
2. I swear.
3. All right. Hand it over.
4. No, I’m not taking poison from a woman I can’t trust.

: “I thought you could cure me. What about that branch of yours?”

: “The thorn? Coated in a fatal toxin. It was a last resort, in case I couldn’t trust you. I don’t have a cure. Only a way out.”

: “I’m sorry for misleading you, but I had to be sure you weren’t a threat before I told you everything. Now, do I have your word or not?”

: (I’m sure Astarion will enjoy the free poison…)

1. I swear.
2. All right. Hand it over.
3. No. I’m not taking poison from a woman I can’t trust.

: 4. I have this elven juice cleanse I think will do the job.

: You are not blowing up the druid grove a third time.

: Yeah, you’re right. It’ll be more amusing if we coat Astarion’s rapier in the poison and then sneak attack her.

: “I hope it doesn’t come to that, but… thank you. Here. You know, I’ve spent my life treating folk and never once saw a mind flayer infection. Then suddenly there’s dozens of you - maybe more.”

: That’s probably because in the established lore for mind flayers (which mostly comes from the AD&D and early 3E era), mind flayers can’t handle light. They mostly live underground.

: By the way, the reason she gave Pollux the poison is because one of the few things in established lore (which didn’t come from this game) is that undergoing ceremorphosis deletes your soul.

: “Master Halsin and I were tracking them, studying them, trying to figure out what the hells was going on. Because you should all be changing - there should be a small army of mind flayers out there! But you’re not. Weird powers aside, you seem perfectly normal.”

1. What do you mean ‘should’ be changing?
2. You must’ve learned something from studying them.
3. Just tell me if there’s a cure or not.

: “What do you mean ‘should’ be changing?”

: “Mind flayers reproduce by infecting someone with their parasite. Seven gruesome days later, the victim transforms and a new mind flayer is born. The thing in your skull, though? It’s different to anything in our records.”

: “It’s one of their worms, for sure, but this one gives you powers - telepathic connections. And it doesn’t turn you into one of them. Not yet, anyhow.”

1. So you think it’s only a matter of time?
2. That’s… good news?
3. You said you were tracking other victims. Did they change?

: “You said you were tracking other victims. Did they change?”

: “Hard to say, but there’s a lot we don’t know. Infected - folks like you - have been converging on an old temple of Selune, and I’ve no idea why.”

: “When Master Halsin heard the adventurers were heading that way, he saw a chance to get answers. Joined on the spot. Whatever he found there, he didn’t make it back.”

1. What do you want me to do?
2. So? Go and get him.
3. You think he’s still alive?

: “Do you think he’s still alive?”

: “I think so. I hope so. I’ve sent birds to find him, but they can’t get close without goblins trying to shoot them down. You, though? You’re one of them - technically speaking, I mean. They won’t kill someone carrying their parasite.”

: “If you can find Halsin and get him out of there, we can discover what he’s learned. And perhaps he can save your life. How’s that sound?”

1. All right, I’ll find Halsin.
2. It sounds like you’re making a lot of assumptions that could kill me.
3. You’re sure he can cure me?
4. That sounds like suicide. I won’t do it.

: “All right. I’ll find Halsin.”

: (Assuming he can actually cure me and won’t try to poison me to death.)

: “Thank you. It would mean everything to the grove. To me. I wish I could tell you more, but only those adventurers know what happened out there.”

: “All I can say for sure is they all went to the old temple of Selune and Master Halsin didn’t make it back. Good luck out there. And if things start to go bad - remember the vial. Remember your oath.”

: Nettie leaves, and there’s a short exchange between the party.

: “Wyvern poison - pah! It’ll take more than a nasty drink to finish Lae’zel of Creche K’liir.”

: “Better a quick draught than ceremorphosis, nonetheless.”

: “Trade it to the nearest quartermaster for a better weapon - it looks like you could use one.”

: This desk (which is presumably Halsin’s) has a bunch of books and notes on it.

My Dear Nettie,

I entrust you with the circlet to open the library. Wear it always. If you need to enter the vault, talk to Rath. He has the rune, but won’t give it to anyone, so be sure you have a good reason to ask. Protect my research while I’m gone and take care of the animals. Don’t give fish to Tuffet, she’s getting lazy.

Master Halsin

: Tuffet is a bear sleeping outside. We can talk to her, but we’d need someone who could do that. I might just re-spec Lyselle into a druid temporarily.

: We could also steal the rune off Rath, but doing so would be difficult without magical assistance since he’s normally in a room with a bunch of onlookers.

[Anatomical sketches of both a drow and an illithid tadpole are accompanied by notes written in an urgent scribble.]

… the parasite was nestled deep in the brain matter… illithid, undoubtedly. Yet the host seemed unaware while alive?

… no visible signs of ceremorphosis on the cadaver. Most strange.

[The final note is a single, underlined word.]

Altered???

: The dead drow also has a letter on him.

Track the druid, find whatever burrow he runs to, and report back to me.

Remember, you are only a scout. Do not engage. Do not kill anyone.

Simply observe and return. I shall decide what we do next.

-M.

: Tucked away in a corner is another note.

A long list of owlbear sightings in the region, separated by date. The latest entry (written a tenday ago), says ‘cub!’ The word is underlined several times.

: This is part of another sidequest I did in probably the most backwards way possible on my first run through the game.

: Finally, this book here gives us a recipe for antidote. This room has the ingredients for it, which we can freely take without anyone getting pissed about it.

: The last thing we can do while we’re here is look at these murals. This is part of the Kagha sidequest.

Narrator: By claw and tooth, from root to thorn, The Old Oak’s grove, to wildlings sworn.

: For each of these, we have to roll a check to understand them. This is probably best done on Shadowheart, since she has the relevant skills.

Narrator: The mural shows druids claiming the grove in the name of the Old Oak - Silvanus, god of nature.

Narrator: The forest rose with claw and tooth to tear the darkness from its roots.

Narrator: The mural depicts druid and beast fighting together to drive monsters from their land.

Narrator: It looks like they were victorious. And yet the monsters have returned.

Narrator: In darkest hour, a concord made, 'twixt harp and wild against the shade.

Narrator: ‘Harp and wild’? A riddle to some, but you understand the meaning immediately. The druids turned to the Harpers for help. Unusual for such a territorial group.

: The Harpers are a generic hero group in D&D lore.

: So THAT’s how Concord got made. No wonder it got cancelled after two weeks.

Narrator: The tower seized, the battle done, the moonrise broke the Darkest One.

Narrator: You recognize the mark of the dark goddess Shar on the broken helmet. This army marched in her name.

: “So many dead. Sent to the Nightsinger’s embrace.”

Narrator: ‘Moonrise’ must be a reference to Shar’s divine sister, Selune.

: We’ve got just two more things to do in the grove before we depart.

: The first is this path that comes out of the area with the ritual circle, where we met Volo. There’s a second, near-identical path that leads to a chest with some ingredients in it.

: Is someone singing up here? I could hear it the whole time we were here.

: “Dance upon the stars tonight. Smile and pain will fade away. Words of mine will change - no. Become - ugh.”

1. Stay silent and listen.
2. What’s that tune you’re singing?
3. How can I put this? That sounded a little… unpolished.
4. Leave.

: Alfira has a small role in the Dark Urge route (where you brutally murder her) but is otherwise cut content - she was meant to be a party member but was cut before release.

: “…”

: “Change? No. DAMN IT.”

1. Are you all right?
2. This grove could become a battlefield soon enough. It’s not the time for music.
3. There’s no singing voice that could save those lyrics. You know that, right?

: “Are you all right?”

: “No. I’m moments away from a grisly death… at the hands of this bloody song. I can’t… nothing fits, you know?”

1. Let me see if I can help.
2. That’s the creative process for you. Agony and ecstasy. Mostly agony.
3. Why are you songwriting now? Hardly the best time.
4. You’d better swap that lute for a weapon. You’ll need one, soon enough.
5. Leave.

: “Let me see if I can help.”

: “Hm. It can’t hurt. I have her… I have an extra lute, if you want?”

1. First things first - what’s the song about?
2. Hand me that lute. We can perform together.
3. Leave.

: This is the bisexual band camp experience.

: “Hand me that lute. We can perform together.”

: “I’ll start from the beginning. We’ll take it slow. Dance upon the stars tonight… Smile and pain will fade away…”

1. [PERFORMANCE] Play along with her.
2. Slip the lute into your pack.
3. Here. I don’t have the time for this.

: What the hell kind of pack is going to hold something that big?

: You haven’t seen my handbag.

: That’s a pretty impressive roll given Shadowheart has a negative charisma modifier.

: “Words of mine will turn to ash… When you call the last light down…”

: I’m not sure what’s funnier about that last shot: Shadowheart playing the lute in full armor, or the fact that she’s meant to be the designated straight romance option for male characters.

: No, seriously. She was re-written from the ground up halfway through development - originally, she was a mindbroken sociopath who only really cared about killing people.

: I was honestly surprised when I played the first time and found out she’s not a lesbian.

1. [PERFORMANCE] Keep time with her.
2. Slip the lute into your pack.
3. Here. I don’t have time for this.

: The second check is easier to pass.

: “Moon reminds me of your grace… All the love I can’t repay… Rest and know that I will pray… Farewell, my dear old friend.”

: “Sorry.”

1. Don’t worry. Cry as much as you need.
2. That song was beautiful. Worthy of a few tears.
3. No need to be sorry. Though it still needs work.
4. Well, would you look at this grove. So lovely. So… grove-like.

: 5. Want to go help me blow up the grove?

: “That song was beautiful. Worthy of a few tears.”

: “Heh. Thanks. That’s the first time I’ve played since Lihala died. My teacher. She was playing her lute. We… didn’t hear the gnolls coming. There was so much blood. I - I can still smell it.”

1. That’s terrible. I’m sorry.
2. I’m sure your teacher would be proud to see you now.
3. Hardly a unique tale of woe these days. Toughen up, or you won’t last.
4. Well, you’ve come up with a fine tribute to her.

: “I’m sure your teacher would be proud to see you now.”

: “Lihala said that’s why eulogies were important. They were for the living as well as the dead. I’d forgotten what it was like: that itch to perfect a song. Keep the lute. Please. You’ve earned it.”

: “The Weeping Dawn will be my gift to Lihala. I’ve a long way to go, but thank you. I…I needed this.*”

: We get a free lute, and Shadowheart gets the Perform skill for free. It’s kind of pointless since Pollux is a bard, but on a run where you have no bard it’s useful to put on your charisma character.

: Alfira will also start singing her song at this point, so I’ll post the full version. It is one of only three vocal themes in the entire game, not counting chanting or humming.

: Speaking of humming, if you take the path facing away from Alfira, you start hearing humming and should probably save the game if you plan on saving all the tieflings.

: “Is someone… singing?”

: At this point, we are on a timer and need to rush down the path to the water. I should mention that you can simply avoid this area and not need to worry about this at all.

: There’s something kinda uncanny valley about this kid’s design. He’s like that one elf from Exit Fate.

: “Shh! Listen! Don’t you hear it? It’s so peaceful.”

1. I don’t hear anything. Come back to shore.
2. Focus and try to hear what he hears.
3. Leave.

: “I don’t hear anything. Come back to shore.”

: “No, no. It’s just a bit of water. I only want to listen. Just a little closer…”

: I say we let nature take its course here.

: There aren’t really tactics for this fight, outside of maybe knowing where some of the harpies are going to spawn and putting people there.

: See, the harpies can fly. Once an enemy starts flying, tactics kind of go out the window and it turns into a slugfest.

: The twist is that the harpy standing on that outcropping will sing every round, which forces the entire party to make a save or waste a turn running toward her.

: Ideally, we wouldn’t have Lae’zel in the party for this because her saves against this suck. This is true even in 3.5E, where the easiest way to kill a fighter off is to mind control them.

: Astarion got hit a lot, as did Lae’zel. Fortunately, we have an easy way out of this: it’s a trick that is VITAL to playing on tactician.

: If you gather your characters together and throw potions, you can hit the entire party with them at once. This heals the same amount as if every character drank the potion.

: “A-are they gone?”

1. They’re gone. Are you all right?
2. Go back to your parents. There’s worse in the wild than harpies.
3. Stop snivelling or they’ll be back. They like tasty little tiefling kids.
4. [BARD] Soothe the child with a calming tune.

: As much as I wanted Pollux to be an asshole and play the song, I didn’t do it because it didn’t really feel like a thing he’d do.

: You had him explode the entire summoning circle for laughs.

: That wasn’t canon.

: It was amusing, though.

: They’re gone. Are you all right?

: “No - yes - I mean… I don’t know!”

1. Take a breath, deep and slow. You’re safe now.
2. (Same as previous)
3. (Same as previous)
4. [BARD] Calm there. You’re a hero. You survived a harpy’s wily lullaby, my friend. Be proud.

: “Take a breath, deep and slow. You’re safe now.”

: “Th-that’s what the voice said. I almost got to the nest, but the singing… I need to get back. Mol will be so mad.”

: “Wait, umm… you should meet Mol. She’ll be grateful you helped me.”

: “Find a boy called Doni. Tell him you want to see the ‘Dragon’s Lair’.”

: This is a lead-in to a sidequest that otherwise would require me to make another character (or use one of the hirelings if I was playing unmodded).

: There’s no obvious treasure for killing the harpies, who aren’t carrying anything on them. The treasure is hidden behind that rock formation we saw the first harpy on.

: “Let’s see what those harpies were hoarding.”

: We get a couple of text dumps, some camp supplies, and a Ring of Color Spray that lets whoever wears it use Color Spray once per short rest. It’s vendor trash, but we have another use for it.

: In fact, you should probably keep at least two garbage magic items on you, as we’ll need them for a story event.

Miriam,

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. A lot has happened.

First, some good news. Maggie Two-Fingers won’t be bothering you anymore. I paid her back in full. I’m sorry -she should never have got your name in the first place.

Now, for the bad news. My love, I’m not coming home. Not for a while, at least. The money came from a mercenary group (probably best I don’t give their name) and I’ve agreed to a couple jobs in Icewind Dale in return. They paid me up front because… gods, it’s so strange to write it…

Because they needed a warlock. They needed me.

I took the deal the cambion offered. I’m not going to say I had no choice, because that would be a lie. But I don’t regret it. I’m a new man. I feel strong for the first time in my life. Aside from being awoken in the middle of the night by the smell of sulphur (he likes to drop by to ‘see how everything is going’) I have no complaints.

If you don’t reply to this letter, I understand. And if you don’t want me to come back at all, well, I understand that too.

I love you, Miriam. And I want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me.

Edmund

: Is any of this plot-relevant? Nope! The other book is a found footage kind of thing and I’m not going to bother transcribing it.

: Next up is going back to Arabella’s parents and telling them we saved her. There’s some dialog that plays as we get there.

: “Stop. I was fine.”

: “Your mother was a heartbeat away from fighting a bear.”

: “Isn’t that how mum usually is?”

: “Quiet, you pup.”

: “You ever scare me like that again, and I’ll feed you to a gnoll.”

: “Mum. I’m fine. Stop it.”

: “Our little hellion told us what happened. Thank you - don’t know what we’d do without her.”

1. I hope we’ll meet again under better circumstances.
2. I saved your daughter - got anything more than a thanks for me?
3. This could’ve ended badly - keep her in line from now on.
4. No more light-fingered antics, right, Arabella?

: “I hope we’ll meet again under better circumstances.”

: “Likewise. Arabella?”

: “Thank you. For helping me.”

: Aww, that description is kinda cute.

: Too bad it’s vendor trash for the most part.

: Our next stop is way down at the other end of the grove, near where Dammon (the tiefling merchant) is. This is the last thing we have to do in order to save all the tieflings.

: “Ya ain’t gonna shoot me. Yer hands are shakin’.”

Memnos: Put it down. She can’t fight back.

Arka: That’s the point. Get out of the way.

: I’m not sure who the male tiefling is, but Arka is the sister of the guy who died trying to raise the gates when we first got here.

Memnos: She didn’t kill your brother, Arka. You’re better than this.

: “Shoot before you lose your nerve, tiefling. If you ever had it to begin with.”

1. Shut up. Those words could be your last.
2. Step between the crossbow and the goblin.
3. Do nothing.

: In character, Pollux would walk away.

: “Have fun with the goblin. I want nothing to do with this.”

: “Looks like the Absolute sent me a protector. You gonna kill 'im too?”

Arka: You! Move!

1. [INTIMIDATION] Lower the crossbow, or I’ll deliver you right to your brother.
2. [PERSUASION] No, shoot me. Should be easy, right?
3. [PERSUASION] This won’t avenge Kanon. It won’t change anything.
4. [DETECT THOUGHTS] Read the tiefling’s thoughts.
5. Step out of the way.

: “This won’t avenge Kanon. It won’t change anything.”

: If you fail the check, Arka shoots the goblin and then she and Memnos leave to try and kill the other goblins. You can find them dead right down the road.

: There is a second achievement for having Sazza (the goblin) survive the entire game, which requires glitching the game out unless you’re playing the evil route.

: We can do some more stuff with Sazza, but it requires getting her out of the grove. The easiest way to achieve this is to do something else first.

: “Hmm. There’s a big stone door down there. I wonder where it leads?”

: “A tunnel? Wait… what’s that blue glowing thing on the wall over there? Astarion, go check it out.”

: “Glowing eyes are rarely a good sign. Best be careful.”

: This area can be done in three different ways. The first is the way I’m doing it here, where you enter without Sazza from inside the grove. There’s a second, much harder route that involves bringing Sazza with you through here.

: “There’s a goblin raiding party in here, and I think that druid is dead.”

: If you have Sazza with you, she runs ahead to talk to the goblins, who then turn on her and force a fight. This is a very bad idea, because that statue we saw on the way in will start firing lasers at the party if they walk past it.

: Instead, we have Astarion sneak up and turn the statue off using the rune on the wall.

: A barrel that’s not filled with explosives? What kind of monster would make one of those?

: If I felt like blowing a lightning spell, we could shoot the barrel and then electrify the resulting puddle, but I don’t really feel like wasting spell slots.

: See, the goblins are all standing in mud, which slows them down significantly. All we need to do is shoot them.

: With a surprise round, it doesn’t take much to kill them off. This would be significantly more annoying if we had the statue shooting at us.

: “You know, it’s very economical that we can simply throw potions and all get the full effect. Otherwise, I might have had to use a healing spell.”

: We still have not used a single spell slot, or any of our daily resources.

: “Oh, thank you, thank you. I thought I was going to die down here.”

1. How did those goblins slip into the grove?
2. Was no one looking for you?
3. I’m surprised the goblins didn’t gut you on sight. Why didn’t they?
4. Don’t thank me yet. I’m here to finish what they started.
5. Leave.

: This is the other reason we don’t want to bring Sazza down here yet. If you bring her here and don’t kill Findal, he wakes up and you have to pass a persuasion check or the grove goes hostile.

: “Was no one looking for you?”

: “No. I’d still be outside gathering herbs if I hadn’t run into the goblins. I must tell the others what happened. Step careful - there are traps in these tunnels. And thank you.”

: The goblins don’t have anything special on them, but I take that water barrel for later use. Barrels are a valuable resource.

: There’s another statue right past here that we REALLY want to turn off using that rune.

: It’s hard to see, but there’s a trail of oil leading to an explosive barrel, which we of course take. By about the mid point of the game on my first run, half my camp storage was explosive barrels.

: Someone’s gonna get a hell of a juice cleanse.

: There are crates in the corner here that have a couple of useful items, including a healing potion in case you need one for Findal, as well as a water barrel hiding in the back.

: There’s one more statue switch down there. As far as I know, it isn’t possible to hit the switch without getting hit once by the statues - unless you have an invisibility spell, which is not worth using to mitigate one hit.

: Lae’zel takes one hit, but that’s fine.

: Pollux finds a dirt mound with a chest in it - mostly alchemy supplies that we don’t have an immediate use for.

: This corpse has a key we probably don’t need because we have Astarion.

: The key goes to this chest, which is in a niche behind where we found that last explosive barrel. And oh look, two more explosive barrels. We all know what I’m going to do with those.

: As for the chest, it’s got a pretty nice staff in it for Lyselle.

: And a grenade, which I give to Astarion. We could try to overthrow Kagha at this point, but getting to the place mentioned in that note requires us to bypass a bunch of stuff and get into a fight that we’d have a hard time winning.

: By “a hard time”, I mean it took me nearly an hour and a half to record without the party dying, and then I realized I didn’t have my recording software on.

: Not to mention that getting to that fight brings us dangerously close to the spot where you can glitch the best armor in the game.

: Instead what we’ll do is finally get around to recruiting Wyll and check out the “dragon’s lair” the horrible beach child told us about. This will cover pretty much everything there is to do in the grove.

Asharak: The Blade of Frontiers. What a thrill for the children.

: “They’re tough kids. Smart, too. The future’s in good hands.”

: “Go on. Give me your best shot.”

: You know, most people would spar with sticks or wooden swords instead of the real thing. This seems more like reckless endangerment than training.

Umi: Gah!

: Can you imagine if his hand was off just a little bit and he accidentally ran that kid through, except he did it on purpose?

: “Not bad. Again.”

: He’s real good at beating kids at swordfighting, and that’s about all he’s good for.

Umi: I can’t do it. I’m not like you.

: What he’s saying is that he’s too young to have character levels. I think the youngest you can be in D&D is 18.

: “Umi. I don’t need you to be like me. You just have to buy enough time to run. Come on. I believe in you. You can do this.”

1. Hey there. Can I have a word?
2. This whelp is hopeless. You’re wasting your time.
3. It’s good advice, child. You’d do well to listen.
4. Leave.

: “Hey there. Can I have a word?”

: “Well met. The Blade of Frontiers at your-”

Narrator: The man’s smile bends downward, and his thoughts become yours. You are the Blade of Frontiers, racing through the wastes of Avernus. Just ahead, a diabolical figure - single curled horn - blazes with flame, bloodied greataxe held high."

: “Hells’ great fires - you were on the ship.”

1. Yes - and we both carry parasites.
2. Another escapee? Thank the gods - I need all the friends I can get.
3. Who was that woman, the one in your thoughts?
4. Peer further into his mind.

: “Yes, and we both carry parasites.”

: “Mm - doomed to shed our skin and become illithid, or so the stories go. But we haven’t sprouted any tentacles - not yet, anyway. Could just be good luck. I’m not so…”

Narrator: Your minds collide once more. Wyll chases the fiend, ignited with rancour. She is an infernal wardevil, a threat to the living - evil incarnate.

: “Shit - you saw her: advocatus diaboli.”

: That is the single most predictable name they could’ve used. There’s an automatic history check here, though realistically it would just be a “can you discern the meaning of Latin words that are cognates for English words” check.

Narrator: Advocatus diaboli. A devil’s advocate - a champion in the Blood War between diabolical forces and demons.

: Devils and demons are two different classifications in D&D (and in Pathfinder). Devils are your lawful evil “sign this contract” types, and demons are the “blood for the blood god, skulls for the skull throne” chaotic evil types.

1. Who is she?
2. Hunting in the Hells. Dangerous territory.
3. Cavorting with devils, I see. You should consider better company.
4. A Devil’s Advocate. Do you think she’ll bring the Blood War to Faerun?

: “Who is she?”

: “Her name is Karlach. An archdevil’s soldier I swore on my good eye to kill. I tracked her through the Hells to the mind flayer ship. But the damned illithids infected me before I could end her.”

: “She’s out there now, preying on the innocent. I don’t kill her, she’ll leave behind nothing but a trail of corpses.”

1. Let’s join forces. I’ll help you cast this devil back into the Hells.
2. I’m looking to cure this infection. I suggest we partner up.
3. Good luck with your devil problem - it seems your work’s cut out for you.

: “Just so you know, my first duty is Karlach. I’m oathbound to go after her. But I won’t deny this infection is bothersome. I accept your invitation.”

: At this point, Wyll goes on the bench forever. There are exactly four points in the entire game I might need him.

: The reason I don’t like him is the same reason I don’t like Gale: he’s never really plot-relevant the way Shadowheart or Lae’zel are.

: The ability to kill off every party member is probably one of the weakest bits of writing in this game, because obviously the writers aren’t going to write a lot of stuff for a character who can potentially be dead a few hours in.

: Doni hangs out near the cows. There’s a thing we can do with the cows, but we’d need to be able to speak with animals and no one can do that (yet).

Narrator: His eyes flicker to yours for an instant, then away, as if it hurts to look at you.

: He’s nonverbal, but he opens a nearby hatch we can use.

: This area is a hideout for the tiefling orphans. Saving the kid on the beach is one way to get in here. The other way involves an event where the kids (who are running a pickpocketing ring) steal your stuff and you have to come in here to get it back.

: The other route requires that you have someone who is either small (a gnome or halfling), the reduce person spell, or a druid who can wildshape into a cat.

: And if we did the other way, we have a different solution for that.

: “You came! I have - here! Mol said I should thank you properly. For the harpies.”

: “So I wrote you a story!”

1. Aren’t you the clever one? That’s very kind.
2. I’ve heard enough of your chatter. I don’t need more.
3. That’s not how I usually get paid for killing monsters.

: “Aren’t you the clever one? That’s very kind.”

: “It’s about you! I hope you like it.”

Once, there was a boy on a beech. He saw there was a harpie nest. He was a very good climer. he wantet to clime to the top and steel from the harpie nest. But the harpie was very mean. She sang a song and the boy forgot what he was doing. But then an adventurer passed by. The adventurer was very strong and killed the harpie in one blow and safed the boy. The boy was very cold and scared. He was standing in the water so he was very cold. But the adventurer had saved him! The boy thaught the adventurer was ammazeing. The boy wanted to be like the adventurer. He wanted to be strong and safe peopple and never be scared egain. Just like the adventurer.

THE END

: He’s bullshitting those spelling mistakes. You’re telling me he managed to spell “adventurer” perfectly five times, but can’t spell “again” or saved"?

: I mean, it’s cute, but he’s kind of a little brat for trying to steal from a harpy nest.

: Trust me, there’s a reason we didn’t just let natural selection take its course.

: “Well, look who’s come to visit. My kids say you’ve been busy since you got here. Mirkon says you got him out of a tight spot with some harpies. Gotta say, I’m impressed.”

: “You saved Arabella from the druids. Don’t know what those bastards would have done.”

1. What’re you doing in the cave?
2. Thought you might need help with something.
3. Do you have anything to trade?
4. Leave

: “What are you doing down in this cave?”

: “Making sure we’re ready to leave when the time comes.”

: “Thought you might need help with something.”

: “I do, as a matter of fact. Revenge.”

: “You saw what those bastards that run the place were doing to Arabella. Scaring the precious mite. I want to steal that big shiny idol they’re all chanting at.”

1. An idol? What do you want to do with something like that?
2. I could help you get it, but my time’s valuable to me.
3. I’ll see what I can do.
4. Count me out - I’m not getting involved.

: This particular quest is kind of a pain. The idol is at the center of the ritual circle, and stealing it - even if you’re not seen - immediately starts the genocide route I showed off.

: To get the idol without sparking a bloodbath, we need to deal with Kagha (either through the sidequest or by rescuing Halsin) first.

: “An idol? What do you want to do with something like that?”

: “The important thing is to get it away from them. That ritual’s gonna get us all killed. And we can sell it once we get to the city. Thing like that’s gotta be worth a small fortune.”

: “I’ll see what I can do.”

: “Be careful. They look brittle as old bark, but they’re vicious.”

: The wiki is wrong on this quest, because it says you can only do it if you haven’t talked to Nettie and gotten the quest to find Halsin. We’ve technically done everything we can do here.

: There are a couple of optional lead-ins to the main quest I want to show off, though. Remember how Lae’zel said she was looking for a tiefling named Zorru? We can find him.

: “B-by Mordai’s eyes, another one.”

: “My f-friend’s blood not enough? Come to rip me open, too?”

: “In Creche K’liir, a formal greeting begins with a bow.”

: “Is this m-monster with you?”

1. Yes. And I suggest you do as she says.
2. You heard the woman. Bow.
3. Hold it, Lae’zel. I’ll see to this one.

: “Lower.”

1. Wait for the tiefling to obey.
2. She’s serious. You’d better get on your knees. Fast.
3. That’s enough, Lae’zel. I’ll take it from here."

: “That’s enough, Lae’zel. I’ll take it from here.”

: “You dare interrupt? Has the tadpole ravaged your senses?”

: Lae’zel becomes less of a bitch as the game goes on, but I can see why a lot of people probably benched her here. I know I did.

1. Fine - do as you must. But keep it quick.
2. Enough, Lae’zel. You will be silent.

: “You can stand down, or I’m leaving and taking Shadowheart with me. I think you’ve mistaken me as a pushover.”

: I would’ve exploded that bitch’s head like five minutes ago.

: “Th-thanks. What do you want from m-me?”

: “Information. Where did you see the githyanki?”

: “On the road to Baldur’s Gate, near the mountain p-pass. Saw us 'fore we s-saw it. Jammed its b-b-blade through Yul’s belly, straight to the other side. And I just… I just ran.”

: “The map. Show me.”

1. Thanks for your help… and apologies for my companion.
2. Quit your snivelling. We’re done with you.
3. All right, Lae’zel. You got what you needed.
4. Leave.

: “Thanks for your help… and apologies for my companion.”

: “No hard f-feelings.”

: We could head straight for the mountain pass, except that it has a level-check boss fight that is pretty difficult even at the appropriate level.

: Oh, and we get another inspiration for Pollux. The thing to keep in mind is that you can only hold four rerolls, and we’re already over that.

: “The last time a subordinate questioned my judgement, I ate tongue stew that very night.”

: “I warned you, didn’t I? You ought to reconsider keeping her around, before she causes real trouble.”

1. Subordinate? No - we’re partners. You’ll treat me with respect.
2. You’ve made your point.
3. If you’ve finished scowling at me, what comes next?

: “Kainyank. Your tantrum proves you no wiser than a hatchling. The teeth-ling was clear. If there are githyanki west of here, that must be our objective. Purification cannot wait.”

1. Heh - did you say ‘teeth-ling’?
2. What do you mean, ‘purification’?
3. Leave.

: “Did you just say ‘teeth-ling’?”

: “I am unfamiliar with the - well, I shall not say ‘culture’. ‘Custom’, perhaps. You will educate me on matters of this Fay-run.”

: "No, no. It’s “Faerûn.”

: What’s really funny to me about this is that like, they kind of pull off Lae’zel being cute apart from the weird nose. People have tried to ‘fix’ her nose to varying degrees of success.

: We have one more person to talk to, and then I’ll show off the mods. That person is Aradin, the mercenary who we stopped from punching Zevlor.

: “If it ain’t the fearles goblin slayer. You sure you want to be seen with me? I ain’t exactly popular with this lot.”

1. All you did was stand up for your crew. I respect that.
2. You could try to be a little friendlier.
3. I’m more concerned about the First Druid - heard he left the grove with you?"

: “I’m more concerned about the First Druid - heard he left the grove with you?”

: “Aye. His name’s Halsin, and if he’s still alive, he’ll be cursing the day he laid eyes on me. We’ve got a contract to track down some relic, and he wanted in on the job. Eyes lit up when he heard about it.”

: “Didn’t work out, though. Goblins got him when we were turning tail. He’s either diggin’ latrines or boilin’ in a cookpot by now.”

1. Can I take a look at that contract?
2. Did you think getting rich would be easy?
3. You ran away from a few goblins?

: “Can I have a look at that contract?”

: “Job’s all yours, if you got a death wish. There’s a wizard in Baldur’s Gate that’ll pay gobloads for a relic, supposedly buried round these parts. But gold ain’t any use if you’re too cold to spend it.”

1. Just tell me where to find the relic.
2. Any idea where the relic actually is?

: “Any idea where the relic actually is?”

: “If I knew that, I wouldn’t be back here with half my crew gone. But look, if you’re itching to meet Kelemvor, I won’t stop you.”

: “It’s called the Nightsong. Supposed to be hidden under the temple where the goblins jumped us. I’d give you the map and wish you a happy funeral, but my mate Brian kept hold of it like his own todger. Goblins made short of the fat old chunk.”

: “All I’ve got’s the contract. It’ll show you where we turned back, if you feel like dying.”

[A scuffed handbill with an extravagant seal boldly proclaims:]

ADVENTURERS WANTED
for perilous and profitable quest

Master Lorroakan - the Arcanist of Athkatla, the Recluse of Ramazith’s Tower - seeks brave and enterprising individuals to delve treacherous temple and recover storied artefact THE NIGHTSONG for preservation in Baldur’s Gate.

Only stout of heart and keen of mind need apply. Fame, glory, and incredible fortune assured.

: Next time, we’ll go find the temple - and by find the temple, I mean wander around because there’s a ton of side stuff to do in the vicinity. We’ll also meet one of my favorite characters.

: Let’s take a look at some modder attempts to fix Lae’zel.

: First up is a mod called “Resting Gith Face” that yassifies the Gith into boyfriends. I’m sure Pollux would approve (and also ask them for their phone numbers).

: Next up is this mod which is probably the best one if you want to give Lae’zel a nose job.

: And this one, which I can’t link to because it has a surprising amount of nudity in the screenshot tab.

: I think the one person who fucking nailed the assignment was this one, which turns Lae’zel into a gnome. I kind of wanted to install this and pretend everything was normal.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3! As always, I’m Astra, and today we’ll be going out in search of Halsin!

: Are you taking over my LP again?

: This is how you do a Let’s Play. You welcome the viewers back every time you make a new video.

: Boy, those were some good ribs.

: And now he’s back, too? Wait, I don’t really mind The Shape as much.

: Of course I am! I just left to cook some ribs. Homemade barbecue sauce too.

: Why don’t you tell us about the various ways to skin a goblin?

: There are a few ways into the goblin camp. By far the easiest (assuming you’ve cleared the statue tunnel and have Arka out of the way) is to free Sazza.

: That’s the second easiest way. The easiest way is to sneak in and kill them all before they can breed.

: “Why’d ya open my cage? Think we’re gonna be friends? Too late for that, worgmeat. My tribe’s comin’. They’re gonna burn this pretty place for the glory of the Absolute and 'ang ya by yer guts.”

1. I just saved your life. Show some gratitude.
2. This god of yours is new to me.
3. Don’t worry, I’ll be gone before the killing starts.

: “I just saved your life. You can show some gratitude, or I can end you. No one’s going to question us killing an escaped prisoner.”

: “Think my tribe’ll care? They’ll peel yer face off and nail it to a wall! Unless… unless ya listen to me. I can save ya. Help me escape, an’ I’ll tell my mates to leave ya alone. Wot do ya say? We 'ave a deal?”

: “It’s a deal, signed and struck.”

: We get disapproval from Lae’zel for some reason, even though we’re going to use her to let us into the goblin camp so we can kill them all.

: Sazza joins as an attached follower, like Us was back at the start of the game. She has 9 HP and will die if anything so much as breathes on her.

: Fortunately, we have the underground passage already cleared, so we can walk her through there and get free experience for doing it.

: “Ah, thought I was never gonna get outta there. Good to be free again, gotta say.”

1. You made me a promise, remember?
2. No one deserves to be locked up like that.
3. I’ll do a lot worse than that cage if you don’t make this worth my while.

: “You made me a promise, remember?”

: “Never break a promise unless there’s somefin’ in it for me. I’ll introduce ya to my whole tribe and put in a good word for ya - see ya at the camp.”

: What’s a little confusing is that there are actually two goblin camps - one that’s right down the road from the grove (and has to be passed through to get anywhere) and a second one at the old temple.

: Sazza can get us into the second goblin camp, but we’re on our own getting through the first one.

: If you follow Sazza, she’ll lead you past these two people leaning over a dying guy.

: And we’re going to help these people in need, because that’s what a hero does.

: We’re going to kill them in a hilarious fashion. Trust me, I’m the one who handles the tactician segments.

: They’re evil anyway. You’ll see.

Brynna: You’re a True Soul. You can’t die. Please stay with us.

Andrick: I don’t think he’s conscious. Can you hear us, Ed?

Brynna: You! Not a step closer!

Narrator: The mark glows, but you feel nothing in response. Your illithid power is beyond reach until you rest.

: (Is she trying to mind control me?)

: “What happened here?”

: “An owlbear. Please, do you have any -”

: “Shut up, Andrick! Do you serve the Absolute?”

Edowin: Wait.

Narrator: The injured man locks eyes with you. A familiar squirming churns in your head.

1. Try to block him out.
2. Hold his stare.
3. Move away, reaching for your weapon.

: We could kill them outright, but that’s the way one of those stupid imps would do it. Instead, we’re going to think like an overlord and make these morons useful.

: (Get… out… of my gods-damned HEAD!)

Narrator: Useless. Your minds intertwine. You see his siblings - Andrick and Brynna. New recruits. Yours to shepherd.

: Siblings? Somebody doesn’t know they were adopted. Should’ve been an option to point that out and then laugh at them.

: The question is which one is adopted, though. Did the humans get adopted by the dwarves, or the other way around?

: Naturally, the humans adopted the dwarf. Dwarves never adopt children of races larger than they are.

: Mara? Did you let ANOTHER vtuber into my thread? My thread isn’t a hotel for washed-up vtubers!

: I didn’t, but at this point it might as well be.

: Who are you calling washed-up? I was the one who invited her.

: Strange. Weren’t you the one who wanted to play Monster Girl Quest, as… wrong as that is? Don’t you know who I am?

: Callie was done by _pelmesha on Discord. You might ask how many PNGtubers I have, and the answer is enough to run a legal Pathfinder Society table.

: A knockoff of Alice?

: Rude. She’s…

: Callifex Fateburn, the 27th Monster Lord. You may call me Callie.

: Shouldn’t you be, you know, stopping the monster girls from dragging all the poor innocent human men off and uh…

: That might’ve been true hundreds of years ago, before we discovered Monster Boy Island and finally banished Ilias for good. Now the role is largely symbolic.

: That sounds like a more interesting plot than Paradox had.

: Now if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got murder to get back to.

: By all means.

Edowin: Protect them. He is a True Soul. Mind him. He will - he - he…"

: “Edowin. Ed! Please!”

: “He’s with the Absolute now. You’re… you’re a True Soul. Edowin, our brother - he was chosen. Like you.”

: “Do you have orders for us? We were reporting to Edowin.”

1. You’re mistaken - I’m no True Soul.
2. True Soul?
3. Explain this Absolute to me.
4. Perhaps you can help me. I’m looking for the druid Halsin.
5. Why are you out here? The wilderness is dangerous.
6. You need to find the beast and avenge your brother.

: We want to pick one of the options that makes us seem clueless about the Absolute, because in-character, Pollux doesn’t actually know what a True Soul is.

: “True Soul?”

: “What…? Are you… are you testing us?”

: “A True Soul - like you - has been chosen by the Absolute. You speak with Her voice. Your words are Her command. She grants you the power to enforce Her will. And when the time comes, the True Souls - you - will rule.”

: “Please. Any supposed new god would have an uphill battle.”

1. A crude summary. You have more to learn of our faith, novice.
2. You’re mistaken - I’m no True Soul.
3. Perhaps you can help me. I’m looking for the druid Halsin.
4. Why are you out here? The wilderness is dangerous.
5. You need to find the beast and avenge your brother.
6. Forget the owlbear. You’re still alive - so go.

: Asking about Halsin gets us a one-word response.

: “Why are you out here? The wilderness is dangerous.”

: “We know that all too well, sir. But… the Absolute sent us here.”

: “We’re looking for fugitives. Survivors from that ship that crashed further west of here.”

: “These fugitives - tell me more.”

: “We don’t know what they look like, but anyone who survived that crash is bound to be injured. That’s enough to get us started. The Absolute wants them found. At any cost.”

: I’m not going to type out the entire dialog option list a third time, but you can tell them you’re the people they’re looking for (which initiates combat) or leave at this point.

: We’ve got better plans.

: “You know what you two need to do? Go find the beast and avenge your brother.”

: This is one of the few moments where we can get approval from Astarion without being an outright villain.

: “It killed one of us. It killed Edowin. It’s an enemy of the Absolute. You’re right, sir. The beast must be destroyed.”

: “The cave is just ahead. It was too much for us before, but… if you could help us, True Soul… we may stand a chance.”

: “Did we really need to send them to their deaths?”

: You do know that those infected with illithid parasites have their souls destroyed when they undergo ceremorphosis, right? And that they’re no longer in control of themselves?

: “Well, fuck.”

: Before we can continue on, there’s a scene that plays if we walk past the corpse.

Narrator: A strange power resonates within the corpse. It calls to you.

Narrator: Your limbs move of their own accord - there’s something of value here. Something your mind craves.

: (…! No! Stop! The poison! I need to reach for the poison!)

Narrator: Why let its hosts memories go to waste? The tadpole has absorbed it all. Its experience could nourish you, strengthen you.

1. Let your body guide you - welcome the tadpole’s influence.
2. [STRENGTH] The tadpole is toying with you. Resist it.
3. [WISDOM] Force your mind shut. You will not be influenced by an illithid parasite.

: (Damn you! Get out of my mind! I reject you!)

: If we failed the save, or chose not to make it, we’d get another mind flayer parasite in a jar. This is the optimal thing to do, because as the game implies, the parasites are currency for power-ups.

: I personally don’t think Pollux would be into that idea, and so he will be resisting any urge to consume parasites. My tactician character sold all of the parasites and never used them.

Narrator: Your muscles loosen. The tadpole breaks free of its deceased host. Your mind is your own again. For now.

: You can see the owlbear nest from where the two idiots were. On tactician, and ESPECIALLY on honor mode, we would not want to go in there this early.

: “This is it. I guess we… go inside?”

: The funny thing about this is that there’s an entire new mechanic for it on honor mode, and yet no one who plays that is ever going to do this fight.

: There are a few items we can take in here without the owlbear getting aggressive, but because we let the two idiots in, we have to fight.

: “It’s just ahead. It’s… it’s huge. I’m not sure I can do this.”

: We get the opportunity to mind control him, except our mind control powers are on cooldown.

1. [PERFORMANCE] The Absolute has plans for you, child - and they only begin here.
2. [INTIMIDATION] I won’t tolerate cowardice. Attack - now.
3. [NATURE] Press your advantage now, before the beast smells your fear.
4. Leave.

: The checks are only a DC 5 even without mind controlling them.

: The first thing it does is a 70-meter leap with a massive AOE at the end.

: The leap doesn’t do damage, but it does have a chance to knock people down, which leaves them vulnerable to a follow-up attack.

: It then mauls Andrick for 14 damage. The owlbear starts with a status condition that stops it from critting, but it’s still more than capable of oneshotting someone.

: The other NPC uses Command to make the owlbear halt for a turn. This most likely would not work on tactician because of the save bonuses.

: The owlbear also has a cub, which will usually stay away from the fighting. If you kill it, the owlbear immediately enrages.

: Speaking of enraging, once its HP gets low enough, the owlbear enrages anyway. This gives it the ability to attack twice a round, which can and will kill someone if both attacks hit.

: It only gets one of these off before we kill it. Unfortunately, it chooses to do this on Lae’zel instead of one of the disposables, who decide to go fight the cub.

: We get a whopping 20 EXP for that fight. For comparison, we got 35 for letting Sazza out of the druid grove.

Narrator: The cub looks from you to his dead mother.

: This event is a bit glitchy even on Patch 8. It’s intended to play regardless of how the mother owlbear dies, but sometimes the cub will aggro you for no reason.

Owlbear Cub: Braaww!

: Let me translate from monster: He’s saying “Wake! Hungry!”

: He’s saying “Please explode me.”

: No, that’s literally what he’s saying.

Narrator: A single strike will end his suffering…

1. Let the creature live.
2. Attack.

: “We will allow this noble creature to live, even though we just murdered its mother in front of it for… actually, why DID we do that?”

: “To kill those two cultists. Unfortunately, they’re both still alive.”

: “Ngh… it hurts…”

: What’s he saying? Is it something deep like “Why did these adventurers perpetuate a cycle of senseless violence when they could have walked away?”

: This is a game about finding creative new ways to murder things. I don’t think the writers are capable of that kind of self-reflection.

: Oh, no. He’s saying “Hungry! Food!”

Narrator: You watch, speechless, as the cub begins to eat his mother.

: Owlbears know only two emotions: hungry and angry.

: You know, maybe we should just kill it. It’s for the best.

: The owlbear has a spear head on it. The other half of the spear is on the dead guy outside.

: We also kill the two idiots for vendor trash.

: “An owlbear egg. These are supposed to be worth a fortune.”

: There’s a skeleton with some garbage armor on it - any undead that attack you take damage, but you take extra damage from beasts.

: We find enough healing potions in the cave that we come out still having not used a single resource other than potions. And now…

: Before we get started, let’s talk about the setup for this fight on honor mode.

: On honor mode, we ambush and kill the two cultists. They’re a liability.

: Now it’s time to go in the cave and take a left. This leads to a grotto with some items in it.

: “This is a shrine to Selune. It looks like that chest is magically sealed.”

: Rule one: Don’t touch the chest. It burns you if you try. Do, however, grab the potion of animal speaking (we’ll need it) and the healing potion next to it.

: “That damn chest nearly lit me on fire!”

: There’s a “correct” way to open that chest, but we have a much easier method using Lyselle. This can be done with any character.

: Withers can change your class for 100 gold. You can steal the gold back afterward, because there’s no penalty for pickpocketing him.

: We have Lyselle take a correspondence course in cleric studies and make her a cleric of Selune. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work to get into Heaven. Learned that one the hard way.

: And by the power vested in you by the State of Nevada, the chest now magically opens.

: “You should leave it. Or even destroy it, if possible.”

1. But… why?
2. Don’t be ridiculous - there could be something useful here.
3. If you insist.

: “But… why? There could be valuable trash in there we could sell to a trader for money.”

: “This rubbish is an offering to Selune. At best, it’s worthless. At worse… who knows? Could be cursed. Do not trifle with that moon witch or her trinkets. Only trouble will follow.”

1. [INSIGHT] Why do you care so much?
2. [INTIMIDATION] I’ll do as I please. If you want to try stopping me, be my guest.
3. [PERSUASION] We can’t just abandon resources that we might need. Be sensible.
4. If it matters that much to you, I’ll leave it.

: “We can’t just abandon valuable vendor trash. Be sensible.”

: “Fine. Perhaps you can sell them for a couple of coins.”

: The moondrop pendant makes it so you don’t provoke AoOs if you’re under 50% HP. We’ll have someone wear it until we can find something better. The rest is vendor trash.

This tome describes the ancient initiation rites observed by some who worshipped the moon goddess, Selune. When a youngster came of age, they would be left to fend for themselves, deep in the wilds. There, they would show their skills of navigation and self-reliance, a well as their determination to return to the Moonmaiden’s silvery glow. Once they found their way back to their people, their fath and standing as a follower of Selune would be beyond any doubt.

: How are any of these morons still alive? I’m a demon and didn’t do anything close to that to my kids.

: You… have kids?

: Seven daughters. And before you ask, no, they’re not giant penises.

: Surely the parents must secretly intervene to stop their children from dying.

: Faerun is built on child neglect. But wait, what does any of this have to do with fighting the owlbear?

: Oh, that’s easy. Nobody fights the owlbear on honor mode, because if it’s not kept silenced it calls in a second owlbear which has more strength and resistance to physical damage.

: Image credit: https://bg3.wiki

: If you keep progressing the plot and long rest after entering the cave once, you can eventually come back here and some goblins will have killed the owlbear for you. They’re a much easier fight.

: The owlbear nest has a pretty clear path up from it. This leads us to the back door to the first goblin camp. We aren’t going to take that just yet.

: This is the back door. If you look in the other direction (and have Pollux down that potion of animal speaking we found)…

: There’s a dog sitting next to a corpse. This encounter is still very doable without the potion of animal speaking, but we want to use it.

: Unfortunately, I don’t speak dog.

: "Keep moving, stranger. Quietly.

1. What happened here?
2. Who is that?
3. Leave.

: “Bark! Bark! Woof?”

: Translation: “What happened here?”

: “I told you to go!”

1. [PERCEPTION] Peer at his collar.
2. [INTIMIDATION] If I wanted to hurt either of you, I’d have done it already.
3. [PERSUASION] I’m not an enemy, I promise.
4. Leave.

: “Arf! Woof!”

Narrator: You see a name etched into the leather - ‘Scratch’.

1. You’re Scratch, aren’t you? Come here. It’s all right.
2. [INTIMIDATION] If I wanted to hurt either of you, I’d have done it already.
3. [PERSUASION] I’m not an enemy, I promise.
4. Leave.

: “Arf!”

: Translation: “You’re Scratch, aren’t you? Come here. It’s all right.”

: Why is he barking?

: How did you think potions of animal speaking work? You drink a potion and the dog suddenly understands English?

: So THAT’S why they never listen to me.

: “You know my name? Interesting - a predator wouldn’t care to learn it. Still, you should go. My friend is injured. He needs rest.”

1. I don’t think he’s going to wake up.
2. Rest? He needs a grave.
3. Leave.

: “Bark!” (Now do I scratch behind my ear once or twice?)

: Translation: “I don’t think he’s going to wake up.”

: “Of course he will. And then we’ll return home.”

1. What happened to your friend, exactly?
2. Come on, you can travel with me if you like.
3. Prove the man is dead - shout at his corpse.
4. Leave.

: “Awroo?”

: Translation: “What happened to your friend, exactly?”

: “We were attacked. Cackling, furry things on two legs. And their smell… it was strange. Rotten. Evil.”

: (Those would be gnolls. Is there a dog word for gnolls?)

1. Come on, you can travel with me if you like.
2. Prove the man is dead - shout at his corpse.
3. Leave.

: “Arf. Bark!” Whine.

: Translation: “Come on, you can travel with me if you like.”

: “No. I won’t leave him.”

1. If he doesn’t wake up, follow my scent. I have a camp.
2. Prove the man is dead - shout at his corpse.
3. Leave.

: * Holding out hand to the dog *

: “If it comes to that… I may. Thank you.”

: I didn’t know you spoke dog, Mara.

: I don’t. That’s just a little demon sorcery.

: We can now search the corpse, whose name was apparently “Gomwick.”

: He doesn’t have much - some camp supplies and three letters.

Gomwick,

Be doubly careful on the way back to Baldur’s Gate. I’ve received more reports of attacks on travelers throughout the region. I can’t have my best messenger winding up face down in a ditch somewhere.

Watch yourself - better late than never.
Postmaster General Danzo

Daven,

It’s a boy! He’s healthy and perfect; I’ve named him after his father. Come back and see us as soon as you can get leave.

Love,
Flora (and Daven Junior)

Nine-Fingers,

I won’t come back to the city, not while you have your thugs looking for me. If you want the debt paid, you’ll have to trust me and collect it yourself. Go to the graveyard and look for where a ‘M Kurwin’ is buried. Get digging and you’ll find enough valuables to settle matters between us.

Don’t go looking for me. I’ll know when I’m safe.
S

: Right behind Scratch is a spot where we can jump over this stream. In hindsight, I probably should’ve saved this for later.

: I temporarily drop Astarion from the party. You can ask him about his background if your character is a Noble, so I do that.

: “Oh, what’s there to tell? I’m a magistrate back in the city. It’s all rather tedious.”

: “A magistrate that carries a dagger and attempts to take hostages?”

: Pollux gets an inspiration point and 25 EXP, which I want to point out is more experience than we got from killing the owlbear.

: The reason I dropped Astarion is to take Wyll, because the next event doesn’t really work without him.

: The only really important thing we need here is Agonizing Blast, because Eldritch Blast is Wyll’s main source of damage. I’ll go through the options, though.

: Sucks ass. Mage Armor’s great, except for the part where warlocks are proficient in light armor. If you take this, your warlock is competing with your wizard/sorcerer for gear.

: I take Beast Speech because Speak with Animals is useful in a lot of places.

: This is a good option if you need your warlock to be a face. We don’t need that because we have both Pollux and Lyselle.

: This isn’t a terrible option if you’re planning on spamming Darkness everywhere, but probably isn’t worth taking.

: Fiendish Vigor might be worth it early on, but falls off really hard later. Pass.

: Disguise Self is useful for a lot of things, but Shadowheart has it as a ritual spell and we have no other source of Speak with Animals.

: Trash. Potions of invisibility (which work anywhere, not just shadows) are easy to come by. In fact, we already have one.

: Repelling Blast is interesting, and I’ll probably take it the next time Wyll gets the option to.

: Trash. Bane is a 1st-level spell, and not even a particularly good one.

: We then get to pick Wyll’s one and only 2nd-level spell. Because of how warlocks work (they always cast spells at their highest level) it isn’t really important what we take, but we still want something that scales.

: Cloud of Daggers is an excellent choice - it’s an AOE spell that does damage and scales. Pollux has it, but I haven’t used it yet.

: Scorching Ray is also a good choice because it does (potentially) lots of damage and scales. The rest are all utility spells, which we don’t want because either Pollux, Gale, or Lyselle will get them.

: Finally, Wyll gets a pact boon. The only real option here is Pact of the Blade, which used to be a gamebreaker.

: Pact of the Blade allows you to either summon a weapon, or pick a weapon and make it your “pact weapon”. This makes it use Charisma instead of Strength for attack rolls and damage.

: Because your pact weapon can’t be sold, you used to be able to make an expensive weapon your pact weapon and then swap it in a trader menu for something useless, which allowed you to infinitely sell your pact weapon for money.

: As previously discussed, this still works on Patch 8 if you’re using the new Hexblade subclass.

: The other options give you a non-scaling familiar and a couple of bad spells that aren’t worth using.

: “That’s a lot of blood.”

: “And that appears to be a… hold on, that’s just a tiefling.”

: “Ngh…”

: “One horn. The stink of Avernus. Advocatus diaboli.”

: “Well I’ll be godsdamned - the Blade of Frontiers. Thought I’d shaken you for good. That’ll teach me to underestimate you.”

1. You’re the devil we’re hunting. Karlach, right?
2. Tell me, monster - what’s it like to know you’re about to die?
3. These are no natural flames - prepare to fight.

: “You’re the devil we’re hunting. Karlach, right? You look more like a tiefling to me.”

: “Bloody right. An honor to be chased by the Blade of Frontiers. But - agh!”

Narrator: A great heat roars through you; her heat; fiery as the Hells. Then you’re lost in visions of demonic armies as you tear through a landscape of fire and blood.

Narrator: The Blood War. You saw it from above as the nautiloid passed through Avernus - this woman was on the front line.

: “What was that?!”

: A minor interjection now that we’ve met Karlach - she and Wyll were both meant to be directly linked to Descent to Avernus until Wyll’s backstory was rewritten.

: “Evidence. Proof that you’re a devil, a gladiator in the archdevil Zariel’s army.”

: Zariel is a Descent to Avernus character who has the most Blizzard-ass backstory in existence outside of a Blizzard game.

: She was originally an angel who saw the Blood War and goes “I want me some of that” before leading an army to Hell.

: Half her army deserts before they even get there because even they realize how dumb this entire plot is. Zariel loses an arm, knowingly walks into being captured, and then immediately falls to corruption when Asmodeus promises her rulership of Avernus.

: “I want to fight the demons”, Zariel said. “No, Zariel… you are the demons,” the radio replied. And then Zariel was a demon.

: “I can explain. But it’s a whole situation. If you’d just hear me out…”

: Karlach feels like she was written by someone younger than the rest of the writer’s room.

Narrator: Another vision. Karlach’s blade raised, slicing through devils - Zariel’s servants - as her eyes dart around, seeking escape. Her rage and desperation seep into you. She is a victim of the Blood War, not an agent of it.

: “She’s trying to trick us. Don’t believe her lies.”

: “You saw the truth. I never wanted to serve Zariel. I was enlisted in her army against my will. Forced to fight, and fight I did. When I saw an opportunity to get away, I took it. I’m finally home - or near it, anyway.”

: “You served her. That’s enough to damn you.”

1. Stand down, Wyll. You saw what I saw.
2. Be practical. She’s infected, same as us - and powerful, too. We can use her as an ally.
3. Looks like you found your mark, Wyll. Let’s send your devil back to the Hells.

: “Stand down, Wyll. You saw what I saw.”

Narrator: Wyll catches his breath, and his lips straighten. Sheer dread twists his face.

: “You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re asking me to trust a devil.”

1. Gods, you’re stubborn. Karlach’s not a devil, and you know it.
2. You saw her thoughts. She poses no danger to the Sword Coast.
3. You’re right. Cut her down before she causes trouble.

: Notice that Lae’zel approves. I happen to know that Lae’zel and Karlach have a number of gay romance scenes, and I suspect those were written before they changed it so that all of the characters are romance options.

: “Listen to sense, now. I don’t want this to end badly for either of us. You know monsters, right? Better than anyone. Look into my eyes. Can’t you see I’m not what you think?”

: “You really are no devil, are you? I’ve… I’ve been deceived.”

: “Thank the gods. Thought I was going to have to take your head.”

: “You would’ve died in the attempt. But - there have been enough threats today.”

: “Truce then, hey?”

: “Aye. Truce.”

: “I’m Karlach - but you already knew that. And you are…?”

: “I’m Pollux.”

: “Well met, soldier. Nice to meet a friendly around here - it’s been tough going so far.”

: “I may not be a devil, but I can put the Blade’s reputation to work. How would you feel about helping me kill some evil bastards?”

: “A little background, if your moral compass needs something to point at… you already know I fought in the Blood War. I was good. Really good.”

: “Turns out I’ve got a knack for killing demons. That made me a valuable asset. Zariel - the archdevil herself - made me her personal attack dog.”

: “I played along until I could get the fuck out of there, but devils don’t like to lose their assets. Zariel liked it so little, she sent a bunch of goons, so-called ‘Paladins of Tyr’, to take me back. Problem is, I’m not going.”

1. Let’s send them back where they came from.
2. So you want me to kill the people hunting you?
3. Why should I do your dirty work?
4. I have my own problems. I don’t need yours.

: “Let’s send them back where they came from.”

: “Fuck yes. The cornered me outside the tollhouse, just up the hill. Doubt they’ve gone far after the scorching I gave them.”

: “Then we can work on evicting this parasite and take Faerun by the short hairs. Sound good?”

: A warrior who winks at her foes while she slays them. You’d be a fool to refuse her."

: Karlach leaves for camp, and we get a brief scene with Wyll. If you don’t have him for this part, it’s a lot shorter and you recruit Karlach with no issues.

: I’m going to skip Karlach’s character selection scene, only because we already know what her deal is. The only thing it tells us we don’t know is about her heart.

: Karlach’s heart is an engine, and it runs off those soul coins we found earlier. If you keep her as a Barbarian, you can feed her coins to make her do fire damage on attacks when she’s raging.

: “You’ve been witness to a pantomime, I’m sorry to say. And I’ve played my part all too poorly.”

1. What’s that supposed to mean? Lay it out plainly, Wyll.
2. Someone set you on Karlach’s tail. I’d like to know who.
3. If you weren’t so useful, I’d drive a dagger through your skull.

: “Someone set you on Karlach’s tail. Who was it?”

: “I can say only this. Karlach’s not the only one who’s had a villain’s knife held to their throat.”

: “Chk. What manner of ‘hero’ is so shrouded in secrets?”

: “I have never called myself ‘hero’, but I am bound to an oath. One night soon when we make camp, the veil will be lifted and I’ll pay my penance.”

1. Penance? Should I be worried?
2. Good, then. I deserve answers.
3. Intriguing - a chance to see the Blade squirm, perhaps?

: “Penance? Should I be worried?”

: “You’re not in any danger, I promise. I can’t say the same about me.”

: I respec Karlach into a fighter and give her all of Lae’zel’s gear. Functionally, she is Replacement Lae’zel. I also ditch Wyll for Astarion.

: There’s a road that leads up to the toll house, but we can use the ladder here instead. This will give us an opportunity for…

: The toll house is a pain in the ass at this level. The smart play would be to come back later. But fuck that, there’s a paladin in there and he’s going to die.

: There are three entrances into the building. One is here, just above the ladder.

: The second one is on the second floor, up this ladder. We could destroy the ladder, but the paladin can jump to the roof from the ground.

: The third entrance is the front door. The big double doors are blocked from the inside and nothing can get through them.

: If the paladin gets anywhere near melee range, everyone is going to die.

: The paladin and his ranger friend start in the main room. There’s a wizard behind the other door on the first floor. There’s no easy way to predict their movements and set up an ambush… or is there?

: First, we grab a couple of the empty boxes and barrels sitting around and block off the ladder. This doesn’t actually block off the ladder, but it makes the pathfinding AI THINK it’s blocked.

: Next, we go in the building with anyone who isn’t Karlach. No one will care if we do.

: This wizard in the back is a trader, and we want to pickpocket her.

: She has some healing potions, another potion of animal speaking, a supply bag, and two scrolls - Mirror Image and Acid Arrow.

: We’ll just borrow that scroll of Mirror Image and the invisiblity potion… and her four healing potions. And the potion of animal speaking.

: Oh, and that grease bottle she has. Unlike the real world, merchants only drop a portion of their inventory when killed (and no gold).

: All of the barrels and crates in her room are freely lootable, so I’ll also borrow a few of these and use them to barricade the lower door.

: The AI can still get out due to climbing being very buggy, but it’ll take them a bit.

: Before leaving, let’s loot everything and borrow some more barricade materials.

: The AI can climb this, but it will confuse them for a couple of turns and that’s what we want.

: Just for good measure, let’s also block the inner ladder. This doesn’t work nearly as well, and the AI will eventually figure this one out, but it’s worth a shot.

: Astarion can easily hide on the balcony and take a sneak attack at the paladin. Now we get to watch the AI get very confused.

: Astarion’s movement is so high due to his thief subclass that he can shoot and then run out the upper door and close the door behind him.

: This absolutely bewilders the idiots downstairs, who start trying to dash into the back room but stop because the outer door is blocked.

: Astarion keeps performing hit-and-runs while the rest of the party waits outside.

: By the time the paladin figures out he can shoot the obstruction on top of the ladder, he’s at 1 HP.

: And then Astarion opens the door and kills him. That’s the big threat down. The ranger is outside the door, and the wizard is still trying to get outside.

: Here’s a trick that I could’ve done in the crypt - the AI will waste a turn dashing through closed doors around 90% of the time, even if there’s no reason for it.

: The ranger runs out to the ladder and promptly dies.

: The wizard hurls an alchemist’s fire at the door, hitting Astarion for one damage… before running through and lighting herself on fire.

: Normally, the wizard would use those scrolls… only she doesn’t have them anymore, so she instead wastes a turn casting Hold Person and dies for her trouble.

: Couldn’t you have just Commanded the paladin to drop his weapon instead of going through this elaborate barricade scheme?

: That’s the backup plan. The problem is that he’s resistant to being mind controlled because he’s a paladin and paladins are assholes, so it’s not a good opening move.

: “Fuck them. Fuck Zariel. I won’t go back. I’m never going back.”

: “And if any of mummy’s little friends want to pick up where the others left off… they’ll find nothing but a pile of ash.”

1. Each, Karlach. Those flames are getting big.
2. Zariel won’t get near you again. We’ll make sure of that.
3. Tear this place apart.

: “Tear this place apart. Assuming you can get past all the boxes.”

: “Zariel’s gotta stop fucking with me, you know? I’m done with it. I’m done with her. I’m free. FREE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

: Karlach then goes on a rampage smashing stuff.

: The wizard drops four revival scrolls, which is another reason we want to pickpocket her - it makes her more likely to drop valuable stuff that’s harder to steal.

: The paladin drops a magic greatsword that’s slightly worse than the one we got at the very start of the game.

: It allows you to cast a spell that gives you +2 to armor class, but requires concentration to keep up.

: There’s another way to get it if you kill Karlach and bring her head to the paladin, but why bother when we can make his brain break?

: It is admittedly pretty funny that a grown man could get stuck on some empty wooden boxes.

: I liked the part where he kept running into a wall.

: "Phew. Had to let off a little steam after facing off with those ignots. Granted the fire’s lasting a little longer than it should. How do I look?

1. Like you should’ve melted a long time ago. How can you stand it?
2. Hot.
3. Slightly mad, to be honest. Are you all right?

: “Like you should’ve melted a long time ago. How can you stand it?”

: “Honey, I could go all night. Hear that? Infernal engine for a heart. Lets me burn hot as the Hells. Seems to be running in overdrive since I left Avernus.”

: “Won’t be seeing my mechanic anytime soon, so I’ll just make the most of the extra heat. Just don’t get too close 'til I’ve found a way to calm it down.”

1. How the hells did you get an infernal engine for a heart?
2. You have a mechanic for your heart?
3. What does the engine allow you to do?

: “How the hells did you get an infernal engine for a heart?”

: “High pain tolerance. And a dynamic duo of truly shitty bosses.”

: So what you’re saying is… she had a Helluva-

: No.

: What’s the matter, Mara? You’d fit right in on that show.

: Are you calling me an imp?!

: I have no idea what you kids are talking about, and I’m not sure I want to know.

: “But it’s a bit early in the game to be getting into tragic backstories. Let’s save the scar-show for later, after we’ve worked up an appetite for tragedy.”

: “Meanwhile, I’ll need to find someone who can tune up my engine sooner rather than later. Believe me when I say this thing is hot.”

: “The first time I faced down those ‘paladins’, they let slip that there was an infernal mechanic in the area. A tiefling. He might be able to stabilize things - if I can find him.”

1. There are some tieflings holed up in a druid’s grove nearby. We might look there.
2. I’ll keep an eye out for someone like that.
3. What’ll happen if you don’t get tuned up?
4. Leave.

: “There are some tieflings holed up in a druid’s grove nearby. We met one who said he was an infernal mechanic.”

: “Sounds like a good lead. A tune-up would do this old tub a world of good.”

: There’s a soul coin on the roof. It’s kind of hard to see - it’s between the barrel and the box next to where the ladder used to be before Karlach destroyed it.

: Since she’s a Fighter, soul coins are kind of pointless and we can freely sell them. Karlach will give us a tutorial on them if we pick it up, which I’ll skip.

: The toll house has a basement, but we’ll be back for that later. The reason is that you need a key to do anything in it, and I don’t want to accidentally cross the invisible trigger that automatically fails all the druid grove quests.

: Our next stop: the goblin camp.

: This is the eastern gate to the first goblin camp. If someone makes a perception check, they’ll let you know there are goblins waiting to ambush you.

Goblin Booyahg: Get over there. Surround 'em, like.

1. I know you’re there. Show yourselves.
2. Keep quiet.
3. Attack.

Goblin Booyahg: You spotted us. Good. S’like they say… no fun in skewerin’ a pig what doesn’t know he’s cooked.

1. There’ll be no skewering happening here. Now let me pass.
2. I don’t want any trouble.
3. Curious. I had almost the exact same thought when I saw you.

: “I’m just passing through. Leave me be.”

Goblin Booyahg: We got you surrounded. Here’s how this goes: you take one step further an’ we’ll fill your front with arrows. Or you turn around, an’ your backside gets the same treatment.

: If we had our mind control powers active, we could use them to bypass this. This, by the way, is why we wanted to ask the cultists near the owlbear cave about true souls - I believe you have to know what a true soul is in order to get the illithid check here.

: Instead, we can make an Intimidate or Persuasion check, with advantage, to get through. Now, what happens if your party doesn’t have a charisma character?

: Obviously, you’d take the back route, or…

: There’s another way into the goblin village which is guaranteed to work. All you need is access to Disguise Self and a bit of guesswork.

: What the hell is this crap?! She stole my segment!

: You already had two. Through deduction - or I guess through having played the game before - we can figure out something about the goblins.

: Remember this cutscene? We see these two right before the goblin army marches out. That woman is a drow, and doesn’t it look like she’s a commander?

: Our second clue is the dead drow in the druid grove, who Nettie told us was spotted leading a pack of goblins. We can deduce that the goblins are probably lead by the drow.

: Shadowheart has Disguise Self always prepared and can cast it for free. Let’s turn her into a drow and see what happens.

Goblin Booyahg: You spotted us. Good. S’like they say…

Goblin Booyahg: Wait - a drow? In the sun? Stand down! This one’s got a touch of the Absolute about her. Apologies, your lordship. Hard makin’ you out from a distance.

1. Don’t let it happen again.
2. I should pluck out your eyes. You’re clearly not using them.
3. It’ll take more than an apology. Your head will suffice.

: Drow are a matriarchal society, though in this case it’s likely the goblins would bow to even a male drow.

: And that’s it! We’re through without killing anyone or making any checks. See, Mara? You can win without killing everyone.

: I’m going to kick those little bastards so hard it’ll give a whole new definition to the term “fantasy football”.

: We’d have to get rid of them, unless we’re planning on disguising the tieflings as drow and passing them through one by one.

: The southern gate has a similar event, only the guard there will offer to let you in for 50 gold. He can be persuaded or you can drow your way through.

: We also get over 8 owlbears of experience (Astarion gets 9) for drowing our way into the village, because the game gives you the EXP you’d normally get for killing everything.

: In earlier patches, you could turn around and kill the goblins for more EXP, but I tested it and it seems like they fixed that as of Patch 7.

: If, however, you came in from the southern gate and want to kill them all for the EXP, you can set up on the rooftops directly behind the archers and kill them.

: Some of the goblins on the ground might join in, but they’re low level and you have a height advantage. The only problem might be that the goblins can get into the buildings and shoot you through the roof.

: If you do choose to kill them, just know there’s a bugbear sleeping out back (he’s near the back door) and you should probably kill him off before you take to the rooftops since the combat will wake him up.

: The bugbear is NOT counted in the EXP we got from bypassing the ambush, so you should probably kill him off anyway because he’s worth an owlbear of experience.

: Just don’t get the two confused. One weighs eight hundred pounds (on average) and is chaotic hungry, the other is a little angry goblin man.

: This key is going to be useful for a sidequest we’ll do next update.

: Let’s kill off that bugbear with a crit.

: If we keep heading straight from the bugbear, there’s a barn with some weird noises coming out of it. We are not ready to handle what’s inside without explosives.

: That is to say, we’ll be blowing it up next update.

: What we’re interested in is this campsite.

Narrator: A feast fit for an ogre. You notice a peculiar dagger protruding through the tough, leathery meat.

1. [SLEIGHT OF HAND] Carefully wiggle the dagger until it slides free.
2. [STRENGTH] Grasp the handle and pull the dagger with all your might.
3. [INVESTIGATION] Examine the meat. Perhaps there is some trick to removing the dagger.
4. Leave.

: Ah yes, the old “trick meat”. We do that all the time in Hell… just kidding. The entire concept of “trick meat” is dumb.

: That dagger would be way too hot to touch.

: There’s a joke here somewhere about the meat being cooked so badly that you’d need a magic knife to cut it.

: One DC 15 sleight of hand check later, and we get a +1 dagger. It’s kinda pointless because it does roughly the same damage as a non-enchanted shortsword.

: If you fail the check…

: The knife breaks. I just like the sight of Astarion going “No! I could have stabbed someone with that!”

: There’s a bridge that comes out near the toll house. We could have taken this to get in. Maybe we should go investigate.

: Oh no you’re not. There’s a smug asshole somewhere around here. Don’t go near that bridge until I’m ready.

: Our final stop this update is here, on the road to the western gate. There are a bunch of goblins and a couple of wargs out here looking at something.

: "Look what we got here… another little birdie wantin’ to fly!

: “Stop this thiiiiiing!”

: “Yehehueh! Flap those wings some more, an’ I’ll feed you a worm! An’ you - hope you got a stomach fer heights!”

1. What the hells are you doing?
2. I’m not looking for trouble - just want to pass by.
3. Attack the goblins.

: Even on Balanced, we don’t want to try taking all the goblins out without getting the drop on them. The leader (who we’re talking to) is packing a couple of explosives.

: “What the hells are you doing?”

: “What’s it bloody look like? We’re teaching this 'ere pipsqueak to fly!”

1. Let me rephrase that - why are you doing this?
2. I won’t interfere. I just want to pass by.
3. Release that gnome at once.
4. Attack the goblins.

: " 'Cause it makes me laugh! Heh!"

: I’m going to cut here, because we’re going to pick option 3 and then there’s a DC 15 persuasion check that Pollux passes without even trying.

: The reason I’m going to do that is so I can show off what happens if you’re a drow.

: “W-what do you want, er, I mean… what do you need?”

1. An explanation - tell me what you’re doing with that deep gnome, at once.
2. Leave, immediately. This prisoner is mine now.
3. Did I tell you to stop? Turn around and continue as you were.
4. Attack the goblins.

: “Leave, immediately. This prisoner is mine now. I will not tell you again.”

: We get the opportunity to mind control him, which we can do since Shadowheart hasn’t used her cooldown yet. However…

1. Cease your babbling - what did you mean?
2. [PERFORMANCE] I don’t answer to the likes of you.
3. [DECEPTION] Naturally - do I look cursed to you?
4. [INTIMIDATION] Say nothing. Stare down the gibbering coward.
5. [ILLITHID] [WISDOM] I am a True Soul. Your prisoner is now mine.
6. Attack.

: All of these options are a DC 5 instead of a DC 15, and we can use the illithid check because we already know what a true soul is.

: “…”

: “We’ll, eh… we’ll be on our way, madam. Do as you like with the pipsqueak.”

Narrator: The goblins slink backwards, afraid to take their eyes off you.

: “C’mon, you lot, hop it before she changes her mind!”

: Just like before, this gets us 9.5 owlbears of experience as if we had killed all the goblins. The only thing you miss out on is a mediocre magic greataxe the leader has.

: Now it’s time for extermination.

: If Fezzerk is capable of reacting, he’ll surrender at 50% HP or so - but this still won’t get you his axe. To do that, we need to make it so he can’t react.

: First, set up everyone on this rooftop and get in stealth. We need everyone to be out of conversation range.

: Next, we fire an acid arrow at him from stealth. This makes Fezzerk surprised, and surprised people can’t react.

: Acid is the best option because it hits him each turn he’s standing in it. You could also throw that bomb we found earlier, but why waste explosives?

: If he reaches his surrender threshold, Fezzerk will still try to surrender even though he’s surprised. The game doesn’t know what to do because no one is in conversation range, and so his AI shuts off.

: This also shuts off all his buddies.

: Make sure he’s dead, and then you can freely kill the rest of the goblins… or just loot them. You get the full experience for the group when Fezzerk surrenders, so they’re not worth anything.

: It’s funny to me how you’ll go to any length to bug out the AI instead of taking the easy route.

: Killing them all after they’ve surrendered does seem unnecessary.

: Back on the route where we used Shadowheart to talk our way out, we need to go into the mill to turn it off. Before we can, though…

Narrator: Shadowheart’s attention is fixated on a damaged old statue.

: This scene is kind of a remnant from the beta plot - in the beta plot, Shadowheart was originally from this village.

: “We… we should keep moving.”

1. Another episode? Why does this keep happening to you?
2. This pain of yours - I hope it won’t become a hindrance for us.
3. What just happened?
4. Leave.

: “What just happened?”

: “You already know as much as I do. Best ignore it, as long as it doesn’t hamper us too much.”

: To finish the quest, we need to press one of these levers down. One of them is labeled “BRAKE”, and the other “RELEASE BRAKE”.

: The one on the right kills the gnome, which would be amusing if it didn’t lock us out of some… fun stuff… later.

: Wait, you’re choosing NOT to kill something? What’s gotten into you?

: Deep gnomes are known for their potent explosives, is what he’s saying.

: There are two versions of this scene, one that plays if you’re a drow (or Barcus thinks you are) and one that plays if you’re anything else.

: They’re materially nearly the same, so I won’t bother showing off both.

: “Urrrgh… magga cammara - those pustulent thugs! Well - get on with it.”

1. Get on with what?
2. You seem a little confused.
3. I freed you. A little compensation would be nice.

: “Get on with what?”

: “I’m a deep gnome, you’re a drow. You helped me, now you plan to enslave me.”

: The fact that she doesn’t know this would be a dead giveaway that she isn’t a drow. It would be like a monster girl not knowing who Black Alice was.

1. That’s not what I want.
2. [SELDARINE] You’ve only met Lolth’s drow, it seems.

: Lolth is a giant spider who the drow worship as a goddess. Well, these drow do. The ones from Hellgondo Continent are mostly just horny. Very, very horny.

: If you aren’t a drow, Barcus instead accuses you of trying to rob him. That’s the only difference.

: “That’s not what I want.”

: “What, then? Torture? Bloodsport? Or perhaps just a good old-fashioned walloping?”

1. I’d rather know how you got caught.
2. You owe me nothing.
3. I freed you. A little compensation would be nice.

: “I’d rather know how you got caught.”

: “My own fault, really. I should have dropped my pack and outrun those bastards. Alas. Take my pack if you can find it. The only reason those goblins caught me was its weight. I’ll travel lightly from now on.”

: “I’m in search of a friend. I fear he’s in trouble. See this? I gave it to him years ago before I left home. I found it around the neck of a thug in the Lower City. It was speckled with blood, my friend nowhere to be found.”

: [BOYFRIEND CHECK: SUCCESS] (He’s looking for his boyfriend. They’re not married.)

: “But I still have hope. I have reason to believe he’s in the Underdark. Hopefully I’ll pick up his trail from there. I always help my friends.”

: “On that note, I bid thee farewell. If we should meet again… well, we will have met again.”

: Barcus’s stuff is in the mill’s basement.

: These boots? These boots are the reason we’re going to have Astarion dip a level into fighter. Let me explain how they work.

: Every time you dash (and keep in mind Astarion can dash twice a turn and still attack) you get three lighting charges. Having one charge gives you a +1 to attack rolls and makes you do an additional point of lightning damage.

: At five charges, which Astarion can have every turn, you get the +1 to attack in addition to +1d8 damage on your next attack. This consumes all the charges.

: The only problem? They’re medium armor, which Astarion isn’t proficient in. We’re going to have his fourth level be in fighter for this exact reason.

: We also find some explosives, which we are going to need in order to pull off a fight later.

: Next time, we’ll do all the sidequests in the abandoned village. Oh, and a side thing where we talk to the animals in the druid grove.

: Don’t forget to leave a like, and follow me on Bluesky!

…What the hell was that?

Narrator: You feel the quake of its heavy footsteps before you see it: an owlbear, its beaked face looking out of the darkness.

: If you run into the owlbear not intending to fight, the game gives you an opportunity to back out through several diferent checks.

: “Roar! I am a bear!”

: I just wanted to show off Pollux doing his bear impersonation.

[Timrod]

Summary

: The first thing I want to do in this update is show off the ‘intended’ solution to the chest puzzle in the owlbear cave.

: Jumping back here makes your characters roll perception - if they succeed (I think it’s a DC 10) they find a Selunite prayer sheet.

: The sheet doesn’t actually say anything, but reading it makes whoever tries to read it roll a religion check. No one in the party makes it, but that’s okay.

: Chest’s unlocked. My prayers are answered.

: (Wait, no they’re not. I haven’t found a boyfriend yet.)

: Reading the scroll near the chest unlocks it, but I prefer the “reroll someone into a cleric” option because it’s funnier.

: “What’s this? Something weak, something tender… won’t even have to chew you before I feed you to my son, softmeat.”

1. You’re injured - there’s still half a spear lodged in your head.
2. Sorry - wrong cave. I’ll be going.
3. Move closer.
4. You’ve had your last meal, beast. You and your cub alike.

: “You’re injured. There’s still half a spear in your back. I’d know, because I found the other half on a guy I ripped a worm out of.”

: “It’s a splinter. I’ve gutted bigger threats than you with worse.”

1. [INTIMIDATION] Let me go, or you’ll watch your cub die before I finish you.
2. [PERSUASION] Just allow me to leave. I’m no threat to you or your cub.
3. Attack.

: “You’re small. Weak. Killing you would be a waste of time.”

: Besides, everyone knows biggest meat is best meat.

: I did try blowing the owlbear up, but as it turns out that’s kinda difficult because of how the conversation trigger works.

: Back at the grove, we can talk to these oxen. One of them has nothing interesting to say, but the other one…

Bored Ox: Another one. What are you under there, then? Ant? Auroch?

: The Aurochs are from Final Fantasy 10. You’ve got the wrong franchise. That’s the one where everyone is bisexual.

: “What are you talking about?”

Bored Ox: The keepers of this place. They change their form to fit their need. They become birds, to hunt on the wing. Bears, to tear flesh with teeth. But for me - only oxen. Only same old hay.

Bored Ox: And I cannot even eat it, because the horned ones hide their shiny bits inside.

1. ‘Shiny bits’? The tieflings put something in your hay?
2. Cheer up - you do a noble thing, carrying burdens for those who can’t.
3. You complain a lot.
4. Leave.

: “Shiny bits? The tieflings put something in your hay?”

Bored Ox: Hiding things, thinking they are clever. Not clever. Sometimes I eat the shiny bits, and they have to go looking for them on the other end.

: The fact that we just got nearly a full owlbear of experience for digging through hay makes me question how anything in this universe makes sense.

: The bag has some gold and an onyx in it.

: By sheer coincidence, I had Salty Vanilla do a picture of Pollux’s wild shape form, but we won’t see that until a few updates from now.

Strange Ox: Ah, you’re addressing me. A humble ox. How… quaint.

: The strange ox doesn’t have a lot of dialog, but you get an arcana check to learn that it’s definitely not an ox, and then a persuasion to learn it wants to go to Baldur’s Gate.

: We could kill it here, but that triggers the genocide route and I don’t think Astra would like that much.

: There’s a bird near the ritual circle with a key in its nest.

Topaz: Shhh, I’m concentrating. Does this look good? Is the coin in the middle?

1. It’s slightly off - push it a bit to the right.
2. Stop fussing. It looks fine.
3. [DECEPTION] I’d leave it out - it’s too dull.
4. [INTIMIDATION] Kick at the bird, trying to scare it away.
5. [BARD] Trinkets will rust, friend. A song shines on forever. Give it a try.
6. Leave.

:Real gold doesn’t rust, so option 5 is particularly funny.

: “Trinkets will rust, friend. A song shines on forever. Give it a try.”

: What he’s saying is that he’s all right. The band is all together. Yes he was all right. The song went on forever.

: No.

: This makes the bird fly off and lets us grab the key out of its nest.

: The key goes to this chest, which is way up on a ledge. There’s a couple of ways we can get it: Gale can use Mage Hand and have the hand throw it down, or cast whatever that spell is that boosts jump distance.

: Alternatively, you can jump down from above, but this will make you take damage. To get down (if you jump up) you can just warp back to a fast travel point.

: One way to do that is to talk to Tuffet with the potion active. There’s no check or anything, she just moves.

: This unlocks the elevator, which… honestly doesn’t do much. There’s only one other interesting dialog bit with an animal in the grove I can show off.

: If you take the elevator up, it leads you to the backside of that hill we climbed to save that tiefling from the assassin. This is where the squirrel I killed to show off the rat trick is.

Timber: Get out!

Narrator: The squirrel lunges at your foot and bites it.

1. What was that for?
2. Calm down. I’m a friend.
3. [DEXTERITY] Kick her.
4. Leave.

: This squirrel has rabies. That’s about the only thing that makes a squirrel aggressive like that.

Timber: You’re trespassing. This is my territory.

1. All right, you win. I’m leaving.
2. [INTIMIDATION] Back off, squirrel. Or I’ll make you.
3. [PERSUASION] There’s plenty of room for both of us.
4. [BARD] [INTIMIDATION] Let me pass, or I’ll spread word about this wonderful patch of land ripe for the taking.

: “Let me pass, or I’m killing you. Again.”

Timber: Okay, okay, calm down. We can make a deal. How about this - you can stay if you keep those ugly feet on the ground. I’ll even sweeten the pot. Found some weird smelling stuff on the ground. You can keep it. But…

Timber: "The trees are mine. Follow the rules, and I won’t have to intervene. Got it?

: Timber gives us a useless alchemy ingredient we’ll have about a million of by the time we finish the game.

: And… that’s about it. Next time, I’ll record all the side stuff in the goblin village and we’ll meet one of my favorite characters in the game.

: We’ll also finish the Kagha questline. The next update is almost done, I had to do a lot of re-recording.

[Timrod]

: Okay, are we ready to get started? Who’s going to say it?

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3, where we’re going to explore the ruined village.

: And of course, kill everything in the funniest ways we possibly can.

: And… The Shape!

: Our first stop is the house immediately to the left of where we entered the village. This is something a lot of people miss - according to the stats for the game, 16.7% of people on PC have done it.

: “An alchemist’s shop. Everything is in remarkable shape given how damaged the building is.”

: The shop is kind of a paradox. I believe according to the game’s lore, this village has been abandoned for something like 50 years.

: “Looks like some kind of ledger. Remarkably undamaged.”

[The ledger is filled with cultivation instructions for a range of medicinal plants. One entry is underlined: ‘Deliver specially requested plants to the cellar. Keep away from prying eyes.’]

: “It says there’s a cellar here.”

: “I don’t see one.”

: The cellar entrance is a hatch hidden behind the counter. You don’t need a perception check to spot it.

: The cellar has a ton of healing potions, and the top floor has a bunch of alchemy ingredients we can loot, so we do.

: This table in particular is important.

Patient - Sampson
Occupation - Blacksmith
Malady - gout
Comments - Sampson’s become accustomed to the good life since he acquired that new apprentice. I gave him a tincture of autumn crocus and told him to avoid red meat and ale.

Patient - Branley
Occupation - Cooper
Malady - large splinter in hand
Comments - Splinter removed. Wound cleaned, doused in balsam ointment and bandaged.

Patient - Timmick
Occupation - none (child)
Malady - swallowed bottle cork
Comments - No hardness or blockage in stomach. The cork should pass without causing harm. I gave the lad a stern warning.

Patient - Dida
Occupation - Apprentice Blacksmith
Malady - minor burns to the face and hands
Comments - Another burn for Sampson’s eager young apprentice. The usual treatment was applied, but I urged her to slow her pace at work before she inflicts real harm on herself.

: The other book on this desk teaches the recipe for healing potions. I don’t recommend using your alchemy supplies on them because they fall off pretty hard.

: “A healing potion bottle full of poison? I’ll take this…”

: The disguised poison is best used as a grenade, but also has a really niche use later.

: How did four people manage to miss that fairly obvious lever? Can’t everyone see in the dark?

: Just bad rolls, I guess.

: The lever has a perception check associated with it, but you can still use it even if you don’t make the check.

: A sliding bookcase? That’s the oldest trick in the book.

: I know, right? If it were my evil lair, I’d make it so it leads to a regular wall.

: A room full of coffins is a perfectly normal thing to find underneath the village healer’s house.

: “Someone else go check those out. I am not suffering the indignity of getting punched by a skeleton for the second time today.”

: Before we go any further, we need to temporarily re-spec Pollux into a sorcerer, specifically one with the Draconic Bloodline subclass.

: “As it turns out, the correspondence course for sorcerers is a makeup kit full of fake scales and a draconic phrasebook.”

: Inside one of the coffins is a bunch of weird items and a scroll containing the “Summon Quasit” spell. This scroll is unique and also kinda glitchy even on Patch 8.

: You can see that the duration on the spell is listed as “permanent”. It is… provided you do the order of operations exactly right.

: There are exactly two ways to get the quasit as a permanent summon. The first is to be a wizard and use scribe scroll to put it in your spellbook. This is how I did it on my first run.

: The second and harder one is to have anyone who isn’t an arcane caster (read: anyone who isn’t Pollux or Gale) use the scroll while you have a sorcerer, warlock, or wizard in your party.

: As far as I’m aware, the caster must be a full single-class caster (meaning they’re not multi-classed with anything else).

: Argh. Shit-pidding toe-rag. Never summon Shovel. Never feed Shovel. Now call Shovel?!

: I like this little critter already.

: “Wait. You’re not Illy.”

: Shovel is a quasit. Quasits aren’t demons in the sense that Mara is - they’re not born in the Abyss or formed from a human soul.

: They’re created by spellcasters, and their life goal is to eventually steal their master’s soul and use it to become an actual demon.

1. …Illy?
2. Ugh. What chewed you up and spat you out?
3. Your scroll was in an undead’s casket. Who were they?
4. Leave

: “…Illy?”

: “My master. Tall. Skinny. Prick with ears. So. You’re Shovel’s master now? Fine.”

1. You’re a disgusting little creature, aren’t you?
2. Your name is ‘Shovel’?
3. This Illy you mentioned - who’s that?

: We need to pick option 2 here.

: “Master Illy calls me Shovel. Don’t like it? Change it.”

1. What would you like to be called?
2. Shovel is fine.
3. How about another utensil? Fork.
4. Does Basket sound good to you?

: Shovel has some kind of amusing dialogue if you change her name, but for some reason, doing that glitches out the ability to take her as a permanent summon.

: “Shovel is fine.”

: “So. What first, master? Gutting locals? Raising the dead? Making them walk? Making them scream?”

1. No. And you’ll not commit such deeds in my name, either.
2. Is that what you and your old master did here?
3. Hmm. Some light pillage - perhaps a bit of murder to follow?

: “Hmm. Some light pillage - perhaps a bit of murder to follow?”

: “Yes! Master is fun! More fun than Illy. Illy so busy. Only cares about the book. Book this. Book that. Urgh.”

: “What book?”

: “Oh! Ohhhh. Master should go see.”

: “Talk to the mirror. And remember. Balsam? Good for burns.”

: Now that we’ve talked to Shovel with Astarion, we can talk to her as Pollux (currently a sorcerer) to get her as a permanent summon.

: “Oh, oh, a spell shite! When the fisting starts, use the sparky magic to call Shovel. LET’S KILL EVERYTHING!”

: She’s just like Mara, but less coherent.

: Says the ridiculous hybrid furry.

: I can’t say I’m a fan of summoning a demon, but I suppose having an extra target can’t hurt.

: The reason we want to recruit Shovel like this is because if you scribe the scroll, it doesn’t stay with you if you re-spec into a different class.

: Shovel is pretty useful because she can go invisible at will. She can manipulate switches by attacking them, which is really helpful in a couple of spots.

: Ideally, you want to put Shovel on someone who can’t normally cast Find Familiar because each character can only have one familiar out at a time.

: Shovel’s gonna murderize this thing! It’s fisting time!

: Oh look, a skeleton. If you open any of the other coffins, a skeleton will pop out, surprise you, and then spawn five buddies out of the other coffins.

: If you instead attack the coffin, you get one skeleton and the other coffins are empty. There are stalagmites you can drop down on the coffins that have skeletons in them.

: There’s a journal here that we should probably look at because it’s the only clue you get for this room.

6 Nightal, 1371 DR

I pay no service to the gods, but by some blessing, this village believes me and my apprentice to be simple healers. My tattoos are hidden, my red robes locked away, and my lab secured. I have not heard the word “Thay” since we arrived and only my apprentice knows me as Ilyn Toth.

This place is not ideal for my research, but I can never return home - not the way I escaped. I’d be put to death, with worse to follow.

The work here is simple and allows me to continue my research at night, but progress is slow. Reanimation seems easy, but restoring life? That prize eludes me. The tome contains the magic I need, but it fights me at every step. As does my apprentice. At least my familiar has made it easy to secure bodies without raising suspicion.

This will take time. Will the zulkirs find me before I can bring her back? I cannot say, but if they do come for me, they’ll have to face the guardians I raised.

: The town’s healer was a necromancer? Why is it that everyone in this setting sucks?

: Let me do some lore dumping here. Thay first turns up during the AD&D era, and is a micronation ruled by a council of evil wizards who turned themselves into liches.

: The person writing this journal was probably only alive because they were a necromancer, given that being alive is illegal in Thay.

: By the way, the current year in-game is 1492 DR, meaning I was actually off: the village has been abandoned for well over 100 years.

: The mirror Shovel told us about is here.

Ornate Mirror: Spea-k your name.

1. Tell it your name.
2. [ELF] I’m, eh - Ara Silverleaf.
3. Examine your appearance.
4. [BARD] I know how this goes. ‘Magic mirror, tell me true…’

: “My name is Pollux.”

Ornate Mirror: I do no-t know this name. If you are known to my mas-ter, step forward and de-clare yourself an ally.

1. Yes, an ally! I’m an ally of your master’s.
2. I don’t have time for games. Let me pass.
3. [INTIMIDATION] Open or I’ll smash you to pieces - bad luck be damned.
4. Step back and say nothing.

: There’s supposed to be an option to tell it you ARE Ilyn Toth if you read the journal, but I think it’s bugged.

: “Yes, an ally! I’m an ally of your master’s.”

Ornate Mirror: Only a t-rue ally of Ilyn Toth may pass. What th-ink you of the zulkir known as Szass Tam?

: There’s a history check here that Pollux fails, but it tells you that Szass Tam is the current ruler of Thay and also an evil lich.

1. He’s as fine a zulkir as ever lived!
2. Szass Tam is a foul, wretched creature.

: “Szass Tam is an asshole.”

Ornate Mirror: You are no zulkir. B-ut are you wise? T-tell me, why might one use balsam ointment?

1. I read a doctor’s journal - he used balsam to clean a wound.
2. I spoke to the quasit. It treats burns.
3. To clear a rash?

: You’d sell balsam ointments to those morons who think they can cure cancer by drinking raw milk.

: We wouldn’t get the “correct” answer (it’s 1) without having read the medical log earlier.

: “I read a doctor’s journal - he used balsam to clean a wound.”

Ornate Mirror: Acceptable. F-inally… if you could see an-ything in me, what w-ould it be?

1. I’d see the ones I love.
2. I’d look for whatever spell will rid me of this worm in my head.
3. I’d see my enemies suffering.
4. [BARD] Nothing good tends to come of ambition in stories like this. I would see you freed.

: “Nothing good tends to come of ambition in stories like this. I would see you freed.”

Ornate Mirror: “No. This is my p-urpose. I know nothing else. But y-ou cared to ask. No others ever did. Th-ank you. Be wel-come.”

: If we get any of the answers wrong, the mirror sends out a drone that drips fire everywhere and explodes. It will wake the skeletons up if you haven’t already killed them.

: You would think we’d be able to use that to cheese the skeletons, but this game has a thing to stop you doing that - if an enemy isn’t in combat, they automatically heal to full HP after a couple of seconds.

: Sucks that we can’t do that.

: “A well guarded laboratory. What were they hiding down here?”

: Necromancy, apparently.

: Basilisk Oil is an item with a niche use we’ll see later. It cures people who have been turned to stone.

[The book is filled with pages and pages of observations, tracking travelers and people in the village. You turn to the final pages.]

26 Eleasis. Oliver Synge - merchant - arrives in Moonhaven. Departs next day. Calishite.

7 Elient. Strange - name unknown - passes through. Not Thayan. (Rashemi?)

14 Marpenoth. Three men in black armor pass through. Not Thayan.

2 Uktar. Hackett - journeyman - passes through. Not Thayan.

30 Uktar. Raid! Black armored soldiers. Some damage. Not Thayan, but dangerous.

14 Nightal. The book’s key gem has gone missing. Familiar ordered to watch my apprentice.

14 Nightal. Synge passes through. Doesn’t stop.

15 Nightal. Familiar reports apprentice disappeared near well. Will observe.

18 Nightal. Raid. Same soldiers as before. Townsfolk taken.

20 Nightal. Smoke on horizon. Raid?

: If you’re playing as a wizard, sorcerer, or monk or plan on having Gale in your party, this chest is pretty important.

: Bracers of Defense are one of the only ways to get a caster’s armor class up. They stack with Mage Armor.

: This chest has some scrolls we can have Gale learn. There’s another chest in the room with the skeletons buried under a dirt mound that also has scrolls.

: In the center of the room is the necromancer’s project.

Raise Dead
Failed - Gone too long. Body decomposed.

Reanimation
Failed - Came back as ghoul. Had to kill again.

Speak with Dead
Failed - Answers Unhelpful

Clone
Failed - Needs living tissue.

Reanimation + Clone?
Failed - Had to kill both ghouls.

Resurrection
Failed - Why?! Magical curse?

True Resurrection
I have reached the limit of my skills and resources. The book offers help. Dare I accept?

: He forgot that Resurrection doesn’t work if whatever you’re trying to resurrect became undead at some point.

: It’s a very odd loophole. Disintegrate can’t defeat Resurrection, but Animate Dead can.

: The skeleton room has a hidden wall that leads back to the entrance to the basement, and in the little foyer between the rooms is a key.

: The key unlocks this door, which has a “trap” in front of it that lights the braziers on either side.

: “Interesting. The necromancer had a switch for his lights. It feels like it would make more sense to put it on the wall so no one accidentally steps on it.”

: This room has an actual trap in it. Picking up the book from the altar will activate the gargoyles, who spew fireballs.

Narrator: The book is locked tight, with no visible keyhole - only an oval recess in the cover’s mouth.

: Oh, I know this one! Army of Darkness, right?

Narrator: You try to examine the book, but the longer you stare, the more those piercing, amethyst eyes draw you in.

: “These amethyst eyes are almost as piercing as my eyes, which by coincidence are also purple. Clearly, this must be The Book of Forbidden Boyfriends.”

: “Curious. Why don’t you take a closer look… I’ll observe from back here.”

: “Please don’t open the creepy book.”

: “That looks terribly heavy. Why don’t you let me carry it for you?”

1. Drop the tome, ready to destroy it.
2. Tuck the book into your pack.
3. Leave the book be.

: You definitely want to take the book, especially if you’re on a tactician run. On honor mode it’s still worth taking but isn’t as likely to work because of the number of difficult checks involved.

: We can’t open the book because we don’t have the key gem, which we learned about in the necromancer’s logs.

: We know his assistant was spotted near the well, but I really don’t want to go down there.

: What could possibly be so bad about a well? Unless the water’s no good, I suppose.

: Our next destination is the blacksmith shop across the way from the necromancer lair. We stepped in here briefly last update to grab a key, which unlocks those double wooden doors underneath the goblin.

: There’s a journal hidden in a corner of the shop we can read to get an idea of what’s down there.

The pupil surpasses the teacher!

My master weapons are almost complete - there’s just one component left. Sampson says the designs are a failure. But what’s he know? He can barely see past his own belly.

I stashed the prototypes and blueprints for now. But just you wait, Sampson. Your legend is fading - and a new one will rise in its place.

: This gives us a quest to “finish the masterwork weapon”, which is funny because masterwork weapons and armor don’t exist in 5E.

: In 3.5E, masterwork items were essentially a tax on enchanted weapons. They cost 300 gold and gave you a +1 bonus to hit and damage.

: That bonus gets overwritten if the weapon is ever enchanted, and all enchanted weapons have to be masterwork.

: If for some reason you don’t find the basement key and can’t lockpick your way in, you can burn this giant spider web and jump down at the cost of 1 HP.

: The fact that there is a giant spider web should tell you what’s down there.

: And that’s why we’re not going down there.

: If you jump down the hole, there’s a lever you can use to unlock the door and get out.

: Astarion finds a hat that I put on him because it’s incredibly unfitting.

: There are a bunch of mundane weapons and a shitload of thieves tools in the basement. We’re going to need something that does non-slashing damage.

: We can jump up to this ledge, but can’t jump back down without taking damage. That’s not ideal. However…

: “I don’t want to know what’s beyond that wall, but… Shadowheart, smash it down.”

: This is where Shovel comes in handy. We can see that there are bridges made of spiderwebs, and a couple of enemies (marked in red).

: This is gross.

: Grossly interesting, you mean. Ettercaps are bipedal spider-people who are known for their love of traps. They typically live in the Underdark, near giant spiders.

: Using Shovel, we can find a second entrance into the spider zone. And this is where it’s time for…

: There’s a weapon we could get to help with this (it’s the other half of the spear that was in the owlbear). Let’s just show that off quick.

: To get it, you just loot the haft of the spear from the dead dwarf outside the owlbear cave and combine it with the half of the spear from the owlbear.

: We’re not going to need it, because the trick to this fight is to never get into melee combat. Let’s look at the stats.

: The ettercaps have the ability to shit webs, and get an extra attack on anyone who fails a save against one. But more importantly:

: This can easily kill someone by itself. Now, here’s a question for the audience: what don’t these things have?

: Basic hygiene?

: A ranged attack. They’re purely melee.

: Exactly.

: We also know they can sense anything that touches a web, and this is where the fun begins.

: If we go in from the hidden wall at the bottom, there’s only one way up or down to the main area where the spiders are - this one particular web bridge.

: There’s a climbing wall next to it, but it only leads down to an underground stream - it’s your way out if you destroy the web while standing on it.

: Unfortunately, it’s harder to glitch the AI out this way because the climbing walls have much bigger interaction zones than a ladder does, but that’s not going to stop us from trying anyway.

: With the party stealthed by the opened wall, Shovel can go on the web until she fails a save, which alerts the ettercaps.

: There is one minor problem: the spiders can teleport.

: Could this be any worse?

: At least they can’t teleport through walls.

: From here, we attack the spider web until it breaks. This breaks the ettercaps’ AI and leaves them stranded.

: See, the AI won’t ever jump down from a ledge if it means taking damage, and right now the ettercaps have no route to the party that doesn’t involve taking damage.

: The spiders also won’t teleport up here because they’d be in melee range, so they sit back and spit acid.

: The good news is that it’s extremely unlikely that both spiders will teleport down there at once, and we have a high ground advantage.

: The other reason we don’t want to melee is because the spiders dump poison all over when they get hit.

: One of the spiders criticals, but it doesn’t kill anyone. From there, we finish off the ettercaps and we’re done with what would otherwise be a pretty hard fight.

: Rather than send the party all the way around, I have Karlach jump up to where the ettercaps were and loot everything.

3 Uktar, 1371 DR

Let it be known that I left my homeland because I was bound to my master, and not because I chose to. Were it not for the oath I swore, I would still be home, serving the zulkirs, and not tending to hog pox in this crude hamlet. However, an oath is an oath, and I will serve him, as is my duty, until I am released.

[The early journal entries are written in a delicate, intricate script that gets rougher and wilder the more pages you turn. It ends with one hastily scrawled entry.]

They did it! The Dark Justiciars got the old bastard before the zulks could. Now he’s bleeding out and once he’s gone, I’ll be free of this oath. I can go back. I’ll return the tome of necromancy he stole. They’ll forgive me then. They’ll know I’m loyal.

The keygem’s secure in the tunnels. Once I have it, I’ll slip into the cellar, take what I can carry, and then - home.

: Most of the loot down here is healing potions and vendor trash.

: You can also enter this area from the well, which comes out on the other side of the spider/ettercap room.

: If you’re willing to blow spells on the fight, you can have Shovel pull the enemies back into the tunnel from the well and set up AOEs in there to great effect.

: The reason I don’t is because… I mean, we can get away with not doing it and healing potions are plentiful.

: This room has an item we’ll need to do the other encounter in the spider lair, which we’re not doing right now because we wouldn’t survive it.

: There are a bunch of little loredumps in this room, but this one’s the most important.

[This book’s leaves are stuck together with thick webbing that leeches ink when pulled from the page. Only the final entry remains remotely legible.]

It is time. I will forever transcend this blasphemous flesh and refashion myself in the Queen’s image. No longer will I be bound to this lowly form, this base shape of organ and bone. Even the arachnomancers of Menzoberranzan shall weep at my feet, their little spells so feeble and fleeting.

Today, I found the house of Lolth, and I shall be its Matriarch.

: The drow worship a giant spider, and naturally are obsessed with trying to turn themselves into spiders. It’s a wonder any of them survive.

: Arachnomancers are responsible for transforming high-ranking drow into driders - think centaurs but with the lower body of a spider instead of a horse.

: Really they’re just jorogumo, except evil instead of being horny BDSM lesbians.

: More scrolls to feed Gale. I hope he likes eating paper.

: Is that why all those evil wizards exist? I’d probably go insane if I sat around all day eating books.

: They’re like paper shredders. They work even faster if you cram the scrolls up their -

:Don’t tease him, Mara.

: The really high-level ones can fit an entire dictionary up there. Like Goatse.

: What’s a “goatse”?

: God DAMMIT, Mara!

: The item we came here for is this, a pair of magic boots that render you immune to webs. This will help with the boss fight… when I get around to it.

: On the way back, we can open a couple of chests I forgot to open earlier. The one on the ground floor is trapped.

[Precise arcs and neatly cut lines form the blueprints of three weapons: a greatsword, a sickle, and a dagger. Each length and angle is marked with exact measurements, and forging instructions are printed carefully along the bottom of the page, emphasising an unusual ingredient: sussur bark. The sussur bark can only be applied to an ordinary, unmodified blade.]

: This also isn’t how masterwork weapons worked. They had to be crafted that way - you couldn’t take an existing weapon and upgrade it.

: One owlbear’s worth of experience for reading a piece of paper.

: “Weapon blueprints. They call for sussur bark. There’s only one place I’m finding a sussur tree: the Underdark.”

: The top floor has a chest with a +1 shortsword in it, which is a slight upgrade for Astarion (who is currently wielding two shortswords).

: Infernal Iron is used for Karlach. In fact, we can take it back to the druid grove right now… but there are a few more things I want to do here first.

: Like grabbing this barrel of gunpowder sitting in a dark corner near that last chest.

: Now THAT’s an explosive barrel. Not quite as good as a barrel full of magically-enhanced demon gunpowder, but close.

: One of those things is in the only building in town (apart from the barn) we haven’t been in yet.

: Inside are three ogres eating a dead tiefling. Now, we could talk to them, or…

: You know, I think this might be the first time I’ll ever agree with Mara. They’re eating people.

: The easiest way to deal with these morons is to go through their dialog, plunk down a couple of explosive barrels, and blow them up… but we can do better.

: See, we can get on the roof of this building and set everyone up behind a wall. We need to target Lump here first, because he’s a spellcaster and will make our lives miserable if we don’t.

: This gives us a surprise round, but just setting up on the roof isn’t good enough. It’ll take some time, but eventually they’ll figure out how to get up here.

: Unless we do this. Shadowheart and Karlach can both jump up here, which prevents the ogres from being able to find a path to melee them.

: And they don’t have ranged weapons either, so we can just shoot them forever. I wish all supervillains were this dumb.

: With their obvious melee path gone, the ogres will dash around trying to figure out a way to path to Karlach and Shadowheart and occasionally throw things for piddling damage.

: Each one of the ogres is worth 3.75 owlbears of experience. If we talked to them instead, we’d get an inspiration for Pollux… and nothing else.

: Astarion levels up, and I put a level into Fighter so he can use those boots. This also boosts his damage when using two weapons.

: My plan is to make him more of a front liner dual-wielding melee weapons, since it’s easier for him to get sneak attack damage that way.

: If we instead go talk to the ogres, we find them eating a dismembered corpse.

: They argue over what it tastes like, and do this dumbass Three Stooges routine where one hits the others with a club. I’m going to skip this because two of them look exactly alike and it’d be confusing to do with portraits.

: The one with the nose ring is the only one who doesn’t talk like a caveman.

: “Gentlemen - contain yourselves. This quarrel sours our feast. Besides - taste like pork.”

: “And what surprise is this? Brothers, look here. I have eyed yet another prize. Fortune favors our bellies!”

: “Stranger: be you friend or food? The mark is Her measure: show us the brand of the Absolute.”

: The brand is a thing we could get if we had gone to the main goblin camp first. It activates a couple of early-game magic items and allows you to bypass a couple dialog checks.

1. [ELF] You speak with an eloquence unusual to your kind.
2. I bear no such brand.
3. [DECEPTION] I’ll do you one better - I’m one of the Absolute’s chosen disciples.
4. Attack.

: Most of these options involve us fighting the ogres.

: “I’ll do you one better - I’m one of the Absolute’s chosen disciples.”

: Skipping another Three Stooges routine, we get to ask Lump some questions.

: “I notice you don’t bear a brand of your own.”

: “I’ve no use for the Absolute - or any god. I follow two masters only: gluttony and greed. The goblins understand my appetites. They sate my hunger for gold… and the rest sate my hunger for meat.”

Chock: Boss goblin give gold. We check brand. Good deal!

: “No talk!”

1. You are quite the articulate ogre.
2. Forget goblins. You should be fighting for me.
3. I’ve seen few other ogres in these parts.
4. Attack.
5. Leave.

: “Forget goblins. You should be fighting for me.”

: “I am by all accounts a student of higher commerce and extortion. Make me an offer. Tempt me.”

: We can either give them 500 gold, give them 1000 after they fight for us, or try and give them nothing.

: There are two reasons we don’t want to do this. The first is that I’m pretty sure if you summon the ogres and they die, you don’t get the EXP for killing them.

: The second is that Lump has an item on him we want, specifically for Pollux.

: “I’ll pay you in the flesh of the fallen - you’ll have your fill.”

: “A brilliant notion, and a boon to my aching belly. We have a deal, my tasty kibble! Take my bonehorn. One blow, and the ground will quake with my family name.”

Chock: Ogre kill everyone around! Then ogre eats them!

: “Well spoken. Indeed, ogre ‘kill everyone around’. We will keep close. When you are ready, sound the horn.”

: The problem with hiring the ogres is that they turn on you after one fight, and can’t be summoned for the one fight we’d really want them for.

: If we kill Lump, we find out why he’s intelligent: he ate a Headband of Intellect. Normally, these would set your intelligence score to 19, but this one only goes to 17.

: If we give this to Pollux, he can dip a level in wizard to get the ability to eat scrolls for spells. Spells cast this way use intelligence instead of charisma, so this boosts his intelligence high enough to be useful.

: Now that we’ve killed the ogres, we’ve done everything we can do in the first goblin camp… except one thing that isn’t obvious.

: I smell that radio fucker. What’s he doing here?

: This event activates when you pick up the mind flayer parasite in Nettie’s room and leave the grove. I was very careful with how I did my recording.

: Meet Raphael. He is by far the writers’ favorite character, and is… clearly at least a little inspired by Alastor from the 2019 pilot of Hazbin Hotel.

: I am going to enjoy killing him.

: “My, my, what manner of place is this? A path to redemption, or a road to damnation? Hard to say, for your journey is just beginning.”

: “What would suit the occasion? The words to a lullaby, perhaps? The mouse smiled brightly: it outfoxed the cat!”

: “Then down came the claw, and that, love, was that. They do know how to write them in Cormyr, don’t they?”

: “Well met. I am Raphael. Very much at your service.”

: (Wait… where’s Astarion?)

1. Pleasure. I’m Pollux.
2. Am I talking to the mouse or the cat?
3. Pretty words. If you want to threaten me, don’t disguise it.
4. Walk away while you still have legs to walk with.

: “Pretty words. If you want to threaten me, don’t disguise it.”

: “Why, I never! You’re paranoid, aren’t you?”

: “You teleported in behind me. I know what you are.”

: “Must be the surroundings. Rather bleak and lonesome. One feels so… exposed. This quaint little scene is decided too middle-of-nowhere for my tastes.”

: “There. Middle of somewhere.”

: “I don’t like this at all.”

1. Nice decor.
2. Can you be more specific than ‘somewhere’?
3. Take me back. Now.
4. Reach for your weapon.

: “Can you be more specific than ‘somewhere’?”

: “The House of Hope. Where the tired come to rest, and the famished come to feed - lavishly.”

: Oh, come on! This is just the Hazbin if it had an operating budget. A pretty big one too, since half this stuff is all but impossible to get without a trip to the mortal world.

: I like meat as much as the next man, but who’s going to look at a table like this and want the pig head?

: Can they even grow watermelons in Hell? This is Hell, right?

: “Go on. Partake. Enjoy your supper. After all… it might just be your last.”

1. What makes you say that?
2. I’m getting tired of your games.
3. Are these theatrics leading somewhere?
4. Ignore him and fill your plate.

: I knew IMMEDIATELY what the gimmick was here the second it gave you the option to take the food.

: (The food’s poisoned. I’m sure of it.)

: “Are these theatrics leading somewhere?”

: “Are you not entertained? Well - far be it from me to disappoint.”

: “What’s better than a devil you don’t know? A devil you do.”

: “Fuck. A cambion.”

: …What? He’s not a cambion! If he’s a cambion, I’m an imp!

: This is one of the things that the BG3 writers took some liberties with.

: A cambion is a half-human, half-demon. They’re normally the by-product of human-succubus or human-incubus relations.

: The only real difference between them and a tiefling is where they’re born: tieflings are born on the Prime Material Plane, while cambions are from Hell or the Abyss.

: In 3.5E, cambions had a challenge rating of 2, meaning that one of them would be an appropriate challenge for a 2nd-level party. By comparision, an owlbear is CR 4.

: In 5E they got buffed to a CR 5.

: “Am I a friend? Potentially. An adversary? Conceivably. But a savior? That’s for certain.”

1. Draw your weapon.
2. What makes you think I need saving?
3. Why would you help me?
4. I don’t care what you are - I care what you want.

: “What makes you think I need saving? Especially from a demon?”

: “Come now. Why play hard to get when you’re in deep over your tadpoled head?”

: “One skull, two tenants, and no solution in sight.”

: “I could fix it all like that.”

1. I’ll do anything to get rid of the tadpole.
2. I need to think this over.
3. You’re mad if you think I’ll make a deal with a devil.
4. Then fix it - or die at my hand.

: “You’re mad if you think I’m selling you my soul.”

: “And what is madness but a denial of reality? Still, I’ve a feeling you’ll change your mind. Before it’s changed for you…”

: “Try to cure yourself. Shop around - beg, borrow, and steal. Exhaust every possibility until none are left.”

: “And when hope has been whittled down to the very marrow of despair - that’s when you’ll come knocking on my door. Hope. Hahaha! Such a tease.”

: “That’s what separates us from the devils, soldier. They think our greatest strength is a weakness.”

1. And if I do want to take this deal - how do I find you?
2. I’ll have the last laugh in the end.
3. Take me back. After that, I never want to see you again.
4. I’ll rip out your mocking tongue.

: “Take me back. After that, I never want to see you again.”

: “By all means bite the hand that feeds you while you still have teeth. All those pretty little symptoms - sundering skin, dissolving guts - they haven’t manifested yet, have they?”

: “One might say you’re a paragon of luck. I’ll be there when it runs out.”

: If Raphael was actually a cambion, the party would know that he’d have no power to remove the tadpole.

: Now it’s time to see how this conversation really goes.

: If you know that fuckstain is coming, you can have one person sit back outside of conversation range. Alternatively, you can coat the ground in something that does damage, like acid.

: Any time a choice pops up in a conversation, you have the option to switch characters. Go ahead and switch to the person you left behind.

: From here, take a potshot at him. It doesn’t matter if the shot hits or not. He’ll teleport out the minute it happens and end the conversation.

: This triggers a failsafe we can use to kill him, but that will have to wait a bit.

: (Oh, THAT’S where Astarion was.)

: We’ve now done everything we can reasonably do in the goblin village. There’s one dangling thread left: dealing with Kagha.

: This requires a fairly tough fight, but the fact that we have so many explosives should make it easier.

: There are a couple of goblins near the south gate that are still worth EXP. At this point, the rest of the party was around 30 EXP from 4th level.

: At 4th level, we get our first feat. Astarion didn’t get one for some unknown reason, I think because he multiclassed.

: This is a change from 3.5E, where you used to get both a stat improvement and a feat every four levels. The first feat is almost always going to be improving your main stat to 19.

: Pollux doesn’t get a lot of good spell choices, which is why I’m eventually going to dip a level into wizard.

: I also take some time to loot the rest of the goblin village, and here we encounter a new type of explosive barrel.

: Wine barrels are the lowest form of explosive barrel. For the damage it does, you might as well pop the top off and get drunk instead.

: There are a couple of chests buried outside the south gate, as well as a backpack hidden in a tree.

: Also these dead bodies out front, which have a bunch of scrolls and healing potions on them. It’s at this point that Pollux reaches his carrying capacity.

: This bridge is another way you can get here if you take the most direct route from the grove.

: They’re going to need a wagon at this rate.

: If you’re planning on buying (or shop glitching) the staff from Auntie Ethel back in the grove, you need to do it before this next part.

: “I feel like there’s something we’re forgetting. Let’s see… we hypnotized that obviously evil old woman with a dead rat, saved a bunch of children…”

: “Oh! Wasn’t that tiefling an infernal mechanic?”

: “Thought I sensed an infernal around here. But you aren’t from Elturel. What’s your story?”

: “Hey, I remember you. The weaponsmith, right? Your city was swallowed up by Avernus. And you were enlisted against your will, like my good self. I thought they had you for keeps. Glad you got out.”

: “I got lucky. It looks like you did too. And… you brought some infernal machinery with you.”

: “A little gift from Zariel. Keeps me burning hot.”

: “Very hot, by the smell of it. Might be burning out a piston ring - or leaking oil. Mind if I take a listen?”

: I hope you enjoy this shot of Cutscene Astarion with his ridiculous hat.

: Look at his face!

: “Phew! You really are burning up. Whoever put that engine together tried to house metallurgical demono-valves inside a ra-gnax alloy casement. Very risky.”

: What do these writers think we do in Hell, exactly? It’s not Star Trek.

: “I might be able to help, but I’d need infernal iron. And a prayer that my hammer’ll survive the work.”

: “Will you be able to turn down the temperature a little? Worried that I’m gonna go in for a handshake and singe someone’s arm off one of these days.”

: “I’d worry about yourself first. That thing isn’t meant to operate outside Avernus. I’m not sure how much longer it’ll keep running, the way it’s going.”

: I think you have Hell confused with space again, unless that thing runs off drug lab fumes.

: “I’ll see what I can do to give you more time if you find some infernal iron, but a machine that complicated is going to need serious work - more than a pauper’s forge can handle.”

: “I think I picked up some of that infernal iron already. Can we at least see what you can do?”

: “The weight of it. And that blaze of chaos. Can’t imagine this where my heart should be. Must be quite the experience.”

: “There. You’ll have to install it, I’m afraid. I don’t think there are thick enough gloves in all the realms to protect from that kind of heat.”

: “That feels… good. I’m still burning hot as Hell’s hole, but I feel less… changeable. Cheers, mate.”

: Fixing Karlach’s heart gives her advantage on saving throws against charm effects. We won’t be running into a whole lot of those.

: “Pleasure. As for the heat, I haven’t got any solutions now, but I’m not giving up. Could be if the combustion chamber had its own insulation, or if we had some kind of enchanted coolant…”

: “Find me again in Baldur’s Gate. If I’m worth my salt, I’ll have figured something out by then. Take care, Karlach. And hopefully the next time I see you, I’ll have something promising to report.”

: “Pocket any infernal iron you find along the way, hmm?”

: This is where we need to go to finish the Kagha questline. You can see Auntie Ethel in the distance.

: Before we go in, we need to Pollux to take a quick correspondence course in druid studies. He is a coastal druid because he likes the thought of spending long nights on the beach with a boyfriend.

: This guy, a druid? I don’t think he could survive outside for more than ten minutes without help.

: Doesn’t that kind of kill his itemization? I played as a druid and it was a pain to find new equipment.

: “Some old hag’s arguing with the locals. Where the hells is our bard?”

: “I’m, ah… I’m wildshaping. I think.”

: Naturally, I had Salty Vanilla do a picture for this, because I don’t have photo mode thanks to not being on Patch 8.

: He’s going to need a lot of conditioner, or his tail’s going to be a snarled mess.

: “Lads, for the love of all that is holy, I’ve never clapped eyes on your sister.”

: She must be from Evil Ireland.

Johl: Drop the act, hag. You was the last to see Mayrina.

Demir: Just let her go. Please.

: “You there! Please, I don’t know what’s come over these boys. I just want to go home.”

Demir: Stop this! We…we won’t ask again.

: Unfortunately for these guys, they’re up against the writers’ second favorite character after Raphael. Auntie Ethel is a Drizzt.

1. How about you all just calm down. What’s going on here?
2. Lower your weapons. She’s just an old woman.
3. This is nothing to do with me. Goodbye.

: “How about you all just calm down. What’s going on here?”

Johl: Careful! Don’t trust a word out of her mouth. Our sister went to the hag, and we ain’t seen her since.

: “Hand over heart, I don’t know their sister. I will gladly help you all look for her though.”

Johl: Enough. Where is she?

1. I won’t let you hurt this woman.
2. I’m not getting involved.
3. Tell the truth - what did you do to their sister?

: “Tell the truth. What did you do to their sister?”

: “Bollocks. You were supposed to rush to my defense, love. Fat lot of good you are. Some advice? You ever darken my door, you’d best have that head bowed and an apology at the ready.”

: She then teleports away, because of course she can teleport. She’s a Drizzt.

Demir: Bloody hells, she just disappeared. Ain’t seen nothing like that before.

Johl: She could shoot fireworks out of her backside for all I care; the hag has Rina.

1. Will someone please tell me what’s going on?
2. Well, good luck with that.

: “Will someone please tell me what’s going on?”

Demir: It’s our sister, Mayrina. She is… well, she was in a bad way after her husband died.

Johl: Started saying weird things, like how she was gonna bring him back.

Demir: Next thing, she’s gone looking for the hag. Of all the stupid things to do. We haven’t seen her sense, and no good ever came from dealing with a hag.

: We can offer to find her, but they tell us to fuck off and then promptly march into a trap and die.

: Ethel is a pretty difficult fight unless you know the gimmick to it. We probably could take her, but I’ll save it for after the goblin camp.

: “This is a really pict-purr-esque little wetland.”

: “It all seems kind of odd. I mean, that old woman is very clearly a hag.”

: I’ll let you in on a little secret. This swamp has an ambush in it that happens the minute you initiate the boss fight.

: The best way to get around it is to bring a wizard the first time you come through. The second best way is to bring a druid with the headband of intellect.

Narrator: A chill runs up your spine. You feel like you’re being watched.

1. [INVESTIGATION] Look for anything out of the ordinary.
2. [DRUID] [NATURE] Look for signs of unnatural activity.
3. Ignore the feeling.

: “One perk of being like this is that I can see so much better.”

: This check showcases a glitch with the headband of intellect: you can see that Pollux has a -1 intelligence modifier even though his intelligence is 17.

Narrator: You blink and the wilderness changes. A swamp, stinking and insidious, assaults your senses.

: This is one of the reasons why Ethel is a fanfiction. Making an illusion that big would only work in 3.5E (when illusion size scaled with caster level) and would cost tens of thousands of gold to make permanent.

: Now we know this place is evil, so we can find the tree and get out.

: You can see a couple of redcaps wandering around. If you don’t break the illusion, they’re disguised as sheep and will ambush you.

: The tree is on an island to the side, and is one of the most annoying fights in the early game… unless…

: The island we’re trying to get to has only one way in and out, which involves jumping between these little stone outcrops.

: The island itself is a hot zone full of mud mephits. They look like imps and are just as annoying to deal with.

: They’re low-tier earth elementals, not demons.

: They can fly, and they explode on death. The island itself is surrounded by deep water that makes movement difficult. This is only half of what makes them annoying.

: They have an unlisted ability that lets them summon another mephit, and they can do this every single turn. The summoned mephits have less health and lower stats, but still explode for just as much damage when they die.

: They’re partnered with these big, slow bastards who heal if they touch entangling roots unless they are set on fire. They’ll spam entangle before they go into melee.

: If you send everyone in, the mephits will hide and summon more of themselves to go up and explode in your face. Killing one of the big mephits causes all of its summons to explode immediately.

: This is assuming you don’t just break their AI. All we have to do is send Astarion in, have him sneak attack one of the patrolling mephits, and then run away.

: If you’re lucky, you get a chain reaction like this on the way out.

: When the mephits explode, they spew mud everywhere. Mud is difficult terrain and will slow anything that walks through it to a crawl.

: One viable strategy (not shown here) is to have your strength type sit over where Astarion is and shove the shit imps into the water. This instantly kills them.

: From there, the mephits will come, usually one by one, to attack you. Astarion is uniquely suited to be the front line for this fight because he can Disengage as a bonus action to stop them getting attacks of opportunity while he runs out of explosion range.

: Get fucked, assholes!

: Meanwhile, the wood woads will sit harmlessly on the broken bridge because they can’t jump. Put them out of their misery.

: And there you have it. Everything’s dead, and we’ve taken exactly one point of damage doing it.

: You know, it must’ve been fun in the good old days before every villain had a gun. I could fly around taunting their inability to do anything.

: The chest drops the “Sparkle Hands”, which are primarily a monk item that builds up lightning charges every time you hit with an attack.

: More importantly, they make it so that if you have lightning charges, all your attacks against things wearing metal armor (or made of metal) have advantage.

: They’re part of the same item set as Astarion’s boots, but there’s no set bonuses for having everything equipped.

: By the way, you can see from my first run how much damage everyone took from the explosions. It was not pretty.

: The letter we’re looking for is hidden behind the tree and requires a perception check to find.

Kagha:

Olodan has sent word of your progress; I am pleased that the Rite of Thorns has begun. I depart soon from Cloakwood to Baldur’s Gate. Should you need any further aid from my circle, now is the time to ask.

Once cloistered, the Emerald Grove will be the Shadow Druids’ domain, and you its first druid.

In Faldorn’s memory,
Archdruid Aelis

: Faldorn was a party member in Baldur’s Gate 1, and Cloakwood was a location you visited in that game. The Shadow Druids aren’t so much evil as they just kind of hate the fact that civilization exists.

: There’s also a hidden chest behind the big tree, on a raised platform.

: With that, we can go confront Kagha. If you haven’t respecced your main character to a druid, DO THAT NOW.

: If you’re observant, you might notice that Kagha is always around three rats, one of which is named Olodan. There is a unique bit of dialog here that only happens if you are a druid, you have the letter, and you have Speak with Animals active.

Narrator: The rat has hardly left Kagha’s side. A distant thought claws at your mind…

Narrator: What if it’s neither pest nor familiar - but another druid in animal form?

1. I know the truth. You are a Shadow Druid.

: “I know the truth. You are a Shadow Druid.”

Narrator: The creature’s whiskers go still for a moment before resuming their nervous jitter. The rat is otherwise silent in the face of your accusation.

: Now, you would think that we could simply attack the rats, proving that they’re actually druids in disguise - but if we do that, we miss out on loot.

: “Go on. Say it. You think I’m a monster.”

1. I know the truth. You mean to take the grove for the Shadow Druids.
2. Only a monster would threaten a child.
3. You’re protecting your own - sometimes cruelty is required.
4. Honestly, I just wanted to see what would happen.

: “I know the truth. You mean to take the grove for the Shadow Druids!”

: “What?”

: You know what I want to know? What was their plan if they got caught? There’s three of them against four druids and a small army of tieflings.

: The trick is that there’s a hidden exit to the underground passage from the library. They’d still need to kill all the druids in here to access it.

: “Tsk. That damned nose of yours has gone poking in our business.”

: “Mistress Olodan, I can explain…”

: “Shh-shh. No need. It couldn’t be helped.”

: Oh hey, it’s that codeword for “blow my head off with a gun”.

: SHOOT THE MOTHERFUCKER!

: “Kagha! What is the meaning of this?”

: “You think yourself quite the spy, don’t you? Go on - tell him.”

1. Take this letter, Rath. It will explain everything.
2. Kagha’s a Shadow Druid. She means to convert the circle.
3. Forget it, rat. You can explain yourself.
4. The Shadow Druids are taking over - the circle is overdue some change.

: “Kagha’s a Shadow Druid! She means to convert the circle.”

: “A Shadow Druid?! Kagha, have you lost your mind?!”

: “You and Halsin welcome untouchables into your midst. You defile the grove for the sake of ‘harmony’.”

: “Olodan speaks truth. Who among you disagrees? Who would see this grove in ruin?”

: If you saved Findal, he will be here to help. It’s now 8 on 4.

: “The choice is made. Kagha, burn the tainted away. Start with the snitch.”

: “As you say, Olodan.”

1. [DRUID] [NATURE] Can’t you feel how the prayer disturbs the soil and air? The grove trembles in fear.

2. [DRUID] [PERSUASION] Harmony is not weakness - it is balance. Strengh. Silvanus calls on you to preserve it.

3. [DETECT THOUGHTS] Probe Kagha’s mind.

4. Take the grove - I won’t stand in your way.

5. [DRUID] Spare my life, so I might join the Cloakwood druids.

6. You seem intent on forcing me to take your life. So be it.

: These checks would be easier to make if Pollux was a bard.

: “Can’t you feel how the prayer disturbs the soil and air? The grove trembles in fear.”

: “It… it trembles in shame. It knows that in harmony, we perish. In shadow, we are pure.”

Narrator: Kagha’s voice breaks and her lips tremble. She heard reason in your words.

1. [WOOD ELF] Recite the frescoes you have read. Remind Kagha of the grove’s legacy.

2. [RELIGION] I know these druids’ ways. All they touch is fated to decay.

3. [PERSUASION] You know I’m right. Don’t let the shadows corrupt you.

4. I tried reasoning with you. Looks like it’ll take blood to settle this.

: Remember how we read the frescoes earlier? If you did, and you made the checks, you can completely bypass the skill checks here using the first option.

: The game re-reads the entire thing so I’ll skip that.

: “When… when the darkest hour fell, it was us that brought light. Silvanus demands we illuminate shadow, not hide within it. How - how was I so blind?”

: I’m not gonna lie, I kind of hate doing the quest this way. Pollux recites some poetry at her and she immediately changes her worldview.

: If she’s so gullible that she decided to take over the grove just because someone told her she could, it kinda almost makes sense.

: “Careful, Kagha. The shadows don’t forgive.”

: “I belong to the shadows no longer! You’ve no power over me!”

: “You would question my power? Mother Earth, hear me!”

: Other than converting Kagha, there’s no good tactics here. The Shadow Druids will go after whoever confronted her.

: Pollux goes down to a crit, but Findal comes in and revives him. With Kagha and the druids on your side, you will eventually win this fight.

: We also learn one of the annoying things about druids. If a druid wildshapes, they get what’s effectively a second pool of health. If they “die” in animal form, they don’t lose any health - they’re just forced out of animal form and can go right back in the next turn.

: This fight gets you a TON of experience. You get 75 (nearly 4 full owlbears) per druid, plus another 15 for saving Kagha.

: Unfortunately, there’s no cheese tactics for this fight. You can put Astarion up on this pillar and have him hide every round for free sneak attacks, though.

: “Rath thought me a danger. Seems I’ve proven him right. Silvanus bid me to protect my people from harm. Yet I was the one to inflict it.”

: If your main character is a druid, you get a bonus scene here where she conjures up a staff.

: "There was but one druid who guarded the circle, who protected our ways. We are forever in your debt. You burn like fire, you howl like wind. You are Faithwarden.

: Pollux just got the Druid Medal of Honor and he’s not even a druid.

: “Take this gift and be known. May I not be the last monster you vanquish.”

1. What happens now?
2. Joining the Shadow Druids? What were you thinking?
3. You were lured by power. I’ve faced the same struggle.
4. Protecting the circle was natural - but you chose the wrong path.
5. [DRUID] You were ready to give up the circle to Cloakwood. It’s unthinkable.

: “What happens now?”

: “I endangered a child. I betrayed the circle’s trust. We will stop the rite and I will stand trial. My fate lies with Silvanus, may He have mercy.”

1. And what of Zevlor’s people?
2. How did the Shadow Druids even find you?
3. You don’t deserve mercy.
4. Leave.

: “And what of Zevlor’s people?”

: “We will grant them safe harbor until they depart. Meanwhile, help us contend with the goblins. Perhaps we can dissuade them from attacking.”

: “How did the Shadow Druids even find you?”

: “It began with a letter. There was no messenger - it simply… appeared. Olodan came soon after. An army was coming, she said. Goblins, drow, and more still - legions upon legions.”

: “The druids of Cloakwood knew the dangers this would bring. They ordained that all circles cast the rite to shelter from the storm. Olodan taught me to harness the Treefather’s power to wall us in. In return…”

: “…Well, you know the rest. I would turn the grove over to them. I won’t forget the wounds I’ve inflicted. I pray Halsin returns to heal them in full.”

: Can I stop being a catboy nya-ow?

: Next time, we’ll solve the goblin camp through the universal language: murder.

: Or just beat them up.

: Shovel has two entire sets of alternate dialog if the character who initially summons her from the scroll is a a sorcerer.

: The first happens if you’re a sorcerer, but not a draconic bloodline sorcerer.

: “Eh? What is you? Why you smell like that?”

1. Like what?
2. Considering your stench, you can’t really judge.
3. [ELF] I’m an elf. Have you never seen one?

: “I’m an elf. Have you never seen one?”

: "No, not your beef slab! Inside. Master Illy is death and silk. Your magic is thunder and pain. Don’t - don’t like it…

: “…No magic, please! Is good servant. Very good!”

1. Make a grand gesture, as if preparing a spell.
2. I won’t hurt you, don’t worry.
3. ‘Master Illy’? Who is that?

: Don’t you even think about picking that first option.

: “Ah! AHHHHH! NO. BAD MAGIC. SORRY. SORRRY!”

: Okay, Sera. What’s next, ordering another extermination?

: Oh, look at me! I’m Mara, and I’m such a hardcore badass. Please don’t hurt the little imp!

: On this route, Shovel actually tells you the truth about the door.

: “Is this a trick?”

: “No! No. Truth. Only truth. Mirror hides the book. Book makes people eat fingers. Like sausages. Crunch, crunch! But Thunder Master can read it. Can conquer it! Yes!”

: The second one happens if you’re a draconic bloodline sorcerer and summon Shovel using the scroll. I should mention that both of these lock you out of getting her permanent summon.

: “Wait. You smell funny. Like - like fire and iron. Like a dragon.”

1. [DECEPTION] I am a dragon. But don’t tell anyone.
2. [DRACONIC BLOODLINE] I also have marks - I’m a descendant of dragons.
3. [DRACONIC BLOODLINE] There’s dragon blood in me, but that’s all I know.
4. Considering your stench, you can’t judge.

: Like which dragon? He’s not really a Kiryu, and he’s not crazy enough to be a Majima. He’s like a less dumpy Ichiban.

: There’s a funny bit of 3.5E lore with sorcerers. In 3.5E, sorcerers get their magic from having some kind of magical creature in their bloodline.

: The implication was that you could be a sorcerer just by being really good at lying about your heritage.

: Of course, even the most prolific reproducers among magical creatures can only have so many children.

: You mean all you have to do is say “I’m part dragon” and maintain a straight face? I can do that. I’m one-quarter dragonnn…"

: “Nope, can’t say it with a straight face.”

: Of course, by rules as written, you could claim to be any bloodline you wanted regardless of how ridiculous it would be. You could be an Aasimar (a half-angel) and claim to be the descendent of a demon.

: To be fair, can anyone prove they’re not part demon?

: Hold on… I am part dragon! Why don’t I get spells?

: “Wooooooooooow. Shovel loves dragons! Big flappy bastards. But Master Illy said Shovel can’t be a dragon. Prick.”

: “Teach Shovel how to be a dragon! Then, Shovel tells you a secret. A big secret.”

1. Sure. Just hold your arms out real wide.
2. Tell me the secret first.
3. I lied. I’m not a dragon.

: “Sure. Just hold out your arms real wide.”

1. Perfect. Now flap real hard.
2. Try not to laugh.
3. You look very stupid.

: “Perfect. Now flap real hard.”

: “DRAGON SHOVEL IS GONNA EAT YOUR BABIES!”

: When she says this last part, she’s jumping and flapping her arms.