Down, Down, Down By the River: Let's Play Baldur's Gate 3

[Timrod]

""

: Okay, are we ready to get started? Who’s going to say it?

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3, where we’re going to explore the ruined village.

: And of course, kill everything in the funniest ways we possibly can.

: And.. The Shape!

: Our first stop is the house immediately to the left of where we entered the village. This is something a lot of people miss - according to the stats for the game, 16.7% of people on PC have done it.

: “An alchemist’s shop. Everything is in remarkable shape given how damaged the building is.”

: The shop is kind of a paradox. I believe according to the game’s lore, this village has been abandoned for something like 50 years.

: “Looks like some kind of ledger. Remarkably undamaged.”

[The ledger is filled with cultivation instructions for a range of medicinal plants. One entry is underlined: ‘Deliver specially requested plants to the cellar. Keep away from prying eyes.’]

: “It says there’s a cellar here.”

: “I don’t see one.”

: The cellar entrance is a hatch hidden behind the counter. You don’t need a perception check to spot it.

: The cellar has a ton of healing potions, and the top floor has a bunch of alchemy ingredients we can loot, so we do.

: This table in particular is important.

Patient - Sampson
Occupation - Blacksmith
Malady - gout
Comments - Sampson’s become accustomed to the good life since he acquired that new apprentice. I gave him a tincture of autumn crocus and told him to avoid red meat and ale.

Patient - Branley
Occupation - Cooper
Malady - large splinter in hand
Comments - Splinter removed. Wound cleaned, doused in balsam ointment and bandaged.

Patient - Timmick
Occupation - none (child)
Malady - swallowed bottle cork
Comments - No hardness or blockage in stomach. The cork should pass without causing harm. I gave the lad a stern warning.

Patient - Dida
Occupation - Apprentice Blacksmith
Malady - minor burns to the face and hands
Comments - Another burn for Sampson’s eager young apprentice. The usual treatment was applied, but I urged her to slow her pace at work before she inflicts real harm on herself.

: The other book on this desk teaches the recipe for healing potions. I don’t recommend using your alchemy supplies on them because they fall off pretty hard.

: “A healing potion bottle full of poison? I’ll take this..”

: The disguised poison is best used as a grenade, but also has a really niche use later.

: How did four people manage to miss that fairly obvious lever? Can’t everyone see in the dark?

: Just bad rolls, I guess.

: The lever has a perception check associated with it, but you can still use it even if you don’t make the check.

: A sliding bookcase? That’s the oldest trick in the book.

: I know, right? If it were my evil lair, I’d make it so it leads to a regular wall.

: A room full of coffins is a perfectly normal thing to find underneath the village healer’s house.

: “Someone else go check those out. I am not suffering the indignity of getting punched by a skeleton for the second time today.”

: Before we go any further, we need to temporarily re-spec Pollux into a sorcerer, specifically one with the Draconic Bloodline subclass.

: “As it turns out, the correspondence course for sorcerers is a makeup kit full of fake scales and a draconic phrasebook.”

: Inside one of the coffins is a bunch of weird items and a scroll containing the “Summon Quasit” spell. This scroll is unique and also kinda glitchy even on Patch 8.

: You can see that the duration on the spell is listed as “permanent”. It is.. provided you do the order of operations exactly right.

: There are exactly two ways to get the quasit as a permanent summon. The first is to be a wizard and use scribe scroll to put it in your spellbook. This is how I did it on my first run.

: The second and harder one is to have anyone who isn’t an arcane caster (read: anyone who isn’t Pollux or Gale) use the scroll while you have a sorcerer, warlock, or wizard in your party.

: As far as I’m aware, the caster must be a full single-class caster (meaning they’re not multi-classed with anything else).

: Argh. Shit-pidding toe-rag. Never summon Shovel. Never feed Shovel. Now call Shovel?!

: I like this little critter already.

: “Wait. You’re not Illy.”

: Shovel is a quasit. Quasits aren’t demons in the sense that Mara is - they’re not born in the Abyss or formed from a human soul.

: They’re created by spellcasters, and their life goal is to eventually steal their master’s soul and use it to become an actual demon.

1. …Illy?
2. Ugh. What chewed you up and spat you out?
3. Your scroll was in an undead’s casket. Who were they?
4. Leave

: “…Illy?”

: “My master. Tall. Skinny. Prick with ears. So. You’re Shovel’s master now? Fine.”

1. You’re a disgusting little creature, aren’t you?
2. Your name is ‘Shovel’?
3. This Illy you mentioned - who’s that?

: We need to pick option 2 here.

: “Master Illy calls me Shovel. Don’t like it? Change it.”

1. What would you like to be called?
2. Shovel is fine.
3. How about another utensil? Fork.
4. Does Basket sound good to you?

: Shovel has some kind of amusing dialogue if you change her name, but for some reason, doing that glitches out the ability to take her as a permanent summon.

: “Shovel is fine.”

: “So. What first, master? Gutting locals? Raising the dead? Making them walk? Making them scream?”

1. No. And you’ll not commit such deeds in my name, either.
2. Is that what you and your old master did here?
3. Hmm. Some light pillage - perhaps a bit of murder to follow?

: “Hmm. Some light pillage - perhaps a bit of murder to follow?”

: “Yes! Master is fun! More fun than Illy. Illy so busy. Only cares about the book. Book this. Book that. Urgh.”

: “What book?”

: “Oh! Ohhhh. Master should go see.”

: “Talk to the mirror. And remember. Balsam? Good for burns.”

: Now that we’ve talked to Shovel with Astarion, we can talk to her as Pollux (currently a sorcerer) to get her as a permanent summon.

: “Oh, oh, a spell shite! When the fisting starts, use the sparky magic to call Shovel. LET’S KILL EVERYTHING!”

: She’s just like Mara, but less coherent.

: Says the ridiculous hybrid furry.

: I can’t say I’m a fan of summoning a demon, but I suppose having an extra target can’t hurt.

: The reason we want to recruit Shovel like this is because if you scribe the scroll, it doesn’t stay with you if you re-spec into a different class.

: Shovel is pretty useful because she can go invisible at will. She can manipulate switches by attacking them, which is really helpful in a couple of spots.

: Ideally, you want to put Shovel on someone who can’t normally cast Find Familiar because each character can only have one familiar out at a time.

: Shovel’s gonna murderize this thing! It’s fisting time!

: Oh look, a skeleton. If you open any of the other coffins, a skeleton will pop out, surprise you, and then spawn five buddies out of the other coffins.

: If you instead attack the coffin, you get one skeleton and the other coffins are empty. There are stalagmites you can drop down on the coffins that have skeletons in them.

: There’s a journal here that we should probably look at because it’s the only clue you get for this room.

6 Nightal, 1371 DR

I pay no service to the gods, but by some blessing, this village believes me and my apprentice to be simple healers. My tattoos are hidden, my red robes locked away, and my lab secured. I have not heard the word “Thay” since we arrived and only my apprentice knows me as Ilyn Toth.

This place is not ideal for my research, but I can never return home - not the way I escaped. I’d be put to death, with worse to follow.

The work here is simple and allows me to continue my research at night, but progress is slow. Reanimation seems easy, but restoring life? That prize eludes me. The tome contains the magic I need, but it fights me at every step. As does my apprentice. At least my familiar has made it easy to secure bodies without raising suspicion.

This will take time. Will the zulkirs find me before I can bring her back? I cannot say, but if they do come for me, they’ll have to face the guardians I raised.

: The town’s healer was a necromancer? Why is it that everyone in this setting sucks?

: Let me do some lore dumping here. Thay first turns up during the AD&D era, and is a micronation ruled by a council of evil wizards who turned themselves into liches.

: The person writing this journal was probably only alive because they were a necromancer, given that being alive is illegal in Thay.

: By the way, the current year in-game is 1492 DR, meaning I was actually off: the village has been abandoned for well over 100 years.

: The mirror Shovel told us about is here.

Ornate Mirror: Spea-k your name.

1. Tell it your name.
2. [ELF] I’m, eh - Ara Silverleaf.
3. Examine your appearance.
4. [BARD] I know how this goes. ‘Magic mirror, tell me true…’

: “My name is Pollux.”

Ornate Mirror: I do no-t know this name. If you are known to my mas-ter, step forward and de-clare yourself an ally.

1. Yes, an ally! I’m an ally of your master’s.
2. I don’t have time for games. Let me pass.
3. [INTIMIDATION] Open or I’ll smash you to pieces - bad luck be damned.
4. Step back and say nothing.

: There’s supposed to be an option to tell it you ARE Ilyn Toth if you read the journal, but I think it’s bugged.

: “Yes, an ally! I’m an ally of your master’s.”

Ornate Mirror: Only a t-rue ally of Ilyn Toth may pass. What th-ink you of the zulkir known as Szass Tam?

: There’s a history check here that Pollux fails, but it tells you that Szass Tam is the current ruler of Thay and also an evil lich.

1. He’s as fine a zulkir as ever lived!
2. Szass Tam is a foul, wretched creature.

: “Szass Tam is an asshole.”

Ornate Mirror: You are no zulkir. B-ut are you wise? T-tell me, why might one use balsam ointment?

1. I read a doctor’s journal - he used balsam to clean a wound.
2. I spoke to the quasit. It treats burns.
3. To clear a rash?

: You’d sell balsam ointments to those morons who think they can cure cancer by drinking raw milk.

: We wouldn’t get the “correct” answer (it’s 1) without having read the medical log earlier.

: “I read a doctor’s journal - he used balsam to clean a wound.”

Ornate Mirror: Acceptable. F-inally.. if you could see an-ything in me, what w-ould it be?

1. I’d see the ones I love.
2. I’d look for whatever spell will rid me of this worm in my head.
3. I’d see my enemies suffering.
4. [BARD] Nothing good tends to come of ambition in stories like this. I would see you freed.

: “Nothing good tends to come of ambition in stories like this. I would see you freed.”

Ornate Mirror: “No. This is my p-urpose. I know nothing else. But y-ou cared to ask. No others ever did. Th-ank you. Be wel-come.”

: If we get any of the answers wrong, the mirror sends out a drone that drips fire everywhere and explodes. It will wake the skeletons up if you haven’t already killed them.

: You would think we’d be able to use that to cheese the skeletons, but this game has a thing to stop you doing that - if an enemy isn’t in combat, they automatically heal to full HP after a couple of seconds.

: Sucks that we can’t do that.

: “A well guarded laboratory. What were they hiding down here?”

: Necromancy, apparently.

: Basilisk Oil is an item with a niche use we’ll see later. It cures people who have been turned to stone.

[The book is filled with pages and pages of observations, tracking travelers and people in the village. You turn to the final pages.]

26 Eleasis. Oliver Synge - merchant - arrives in Moonhaven. Departs next day. Calishite.

7 Elient. Strange - name unknown - passes through. Not Thayan. (Rashemi?)

14 Marpenoth. Three men in black armor pass through. Not Thayan.

2 Uktar. Hackett - journeyman - passes through. Not Thayan.

30 Uktar. Raid! Black armored soldiers. Some damage. Not Thayan, but dangerous.

14 Nightal. The book’s key gem has gone missing. Familiar ordered to watch my apprentice.

14 Nightal. Synge passes through. Doesn’t stop.

15 Nightal. Familiar reports apprentice disappeared near well. Will observe.

18 Nightal. Raid. Same soldiers as before. Townsfolk taken.

20 Nightal. Smoke on horizon. Raid?

: If you’re playing as a wizard, sorcerer, or monk or plan on having Gale in your party, this chest is pretty important.

: Bracers of Defense are one of the only ways to get a caster’s armor class up. They stack with Mage Armor.

: This chest has some scrolls we can have Gale learn. There’s another chest in the room with the skeletons buried under a dirt mound that also has scrolls.

: In the center of the room is the necromancer’s project.

Raise Dead
Failed - Gone too long. Body decomposed.

Reanimation
Failed - Came back as ghoul. Had to kill again.

Speak with Dead
Failed - Answers Unhelpful

Clone
Failed - Needs living tissue.

Reanimation + Clone?
Failed - Had to kill both ghouls.

Resurrection
Failed - Why?! Magical curse?

True Resurrection
I have reached the limit of my skills and resources. The book offers help. Dare I accept?

: He forgot that Resurrection doesn’t work if whatever you’re trying to resurrect became undead at some point.

: It’s a very odd loophole. Disintegrate can’t defeat Resurrection, but Animate Dead can.

: The skeleton room has a hidden wall that leads back to the entrance to the basement, and in the little foyer between the rooms is a key.

: The key unlocks this door, which has a “trap” in front of it that lights the braziers on either side.

: “Interesting. The necromancer had a switch for his lights. It feels like it would make more sense to put it on the wall so no one accidentally steps on it.”

: This room has an actual trap in it. Picking up the book from the altar will activate the gargoyles, who spew fireballs.

Narrator: The book is locked tight, with no visible keyhole - only an oval recess in the cover’s mouth.

: Oh, I know this one! Army of Darkness, right?

Narrator: You try to examine the book, but the longer you stare, the more those piercing, amethyst eyes draw you in.

: “These amethyst eyes are almost as piercing as my eyes, which by coincidence are also purple. Clearly, this must be The Book of Forbidden Boyfriends.”

: “Curious. Why don’t you take a closer look.. I’ll observe from back here.”

: “Please don’t open the creepy book.”

: “That looks terribly heavy. Why don’t you let me carry it for you?”

1. Drop the tome, ready to destroy it.
2. Tuck the book into your pack.
3. Leave the book be.

: You definitely want to take the book, especially if you’re on a tactician run. On honor mode it’s still worth taking but isn’t as likely to work because of the number of difficult checks involved.

: We can’t open the book because we don’t have the key gem, which we learned about in the necromancer’s logs.

: We know his assistant was spotted near the well, but I really don’t want to go down there.

: What could possibly be so bad about a well? Unless the water’s no good, I suppose.

: Our next destination is the blacksmith shop across the way from the necromancer lair. We stepped in here briefly last update to grab a key, which unlocks those double wooden doors underneath the goblin.

: There’s a journal hidden in a corner of the shop we can read to get an idea of what’s down there.

The pupil surpasses the teacher!

My master weapons are almost complete - there’s just one component left. Sampson says the designs are a failure. But what’s he know? He can barely see past his own belly.

I stashed the prototypes and blueprints for now. But just you wait, Sampson. Your legend is fading - and a new one will rise in its place.

: This gives us a quest to “finish the masterwork weapon”, which is funny because masterwork weapons and armor don’t exist in 5E.

: In 3.5E, masterwork items were essentially a tax on enchanted weapons. They cost 300 gold and gave you a +1 bonus to hit and damage.

: That bonus gets overwritten if the weapon is ever enchanted, and all enchanted weapons have to be masterwork.

: If for some reason you don’t find the basement key and can’t lockpick your way in, you can burn this giant spider web and jump down at the cost of 1 HP.

: The fact that there is a giant spider web should tell you what’s down there.

: And that’s why we’re not going down there.

: If you jump down the hole, there’s a lever you can use to unlock the door and get out.

: Astarion finds a hat that I put on him because it’s incredibly unfitting.

: There are a bunch of mundane weapons and a shitload of thieves tools in the basement. We’re going to need something that does non-slashing damage.

: We can jump up to this ledge, but can’t jump back down without taking damage. That’s not ideal. However..

: “I don’t want to know what’s beyond that wall, but.. Shadowheart, smash it down.”

: This is where Shovel comes in handy. We can see that there are bridges made of spiderwebs, and a couple of enemies (marked in red).

: This is gross.

: Grossly interesting, you mean. Ettercaps are bipedal spider-people who are known for their love of traps. They typically live in the Underdark, near giant spiders.

: Using Shovel, we can find a second entrance into the spider zone. And this is where it’s time for..

: There’s a weapon we could get to help with this (it’s the other half of the spear that was in the owlbear). Let’s just show that off quick.

: To get it, you just loot the haft of the spear from the dead dwarf outside the owlbear cave and combine it with the half of the spear from the owlbear.

: We’re not going to need it, because the trick to this fight is to never get into melee combat. Let’s look at the stats.

: The ettercaps have the ability to shit webs, and get an extra attack on anyone who fails a save against one. But more importantly:

: This can easily kill someone by itself. Now, here’s a question for the audience: what don’t these things have?

: Basic hygiene?

: A ranged attack. They’re purely melee.

: Exactly.

: We also know they can sense anything that touches a web, and this is where the fun begins.

: If we go in from the hidden wall at the bottom, there’s only one way up or down to the main area where the spiders are - this one particular web bridge.

: There’s a climbing wall next to it, but it only leads down to an underground stream - it’s your way out if you destroy the web while standing on it.

: Unfortunately, it’s harder to glitch the AI out this way because the climbing walls have much bigger interaction zones than a ladder does, but that’s not going to stop us from trying anyway.

: With the party stealthed by the opened wall, Shovel can go on the web until she fails a save, which alerts the ettercaps.

: There is one minor problem: the spiders can teleport.

: Could this be any worse?

: At least they can’t teleport through walls.

: From here, we attack the spider web until it breaks. This breaks the ettercaps’ AI and leaves them stranded.

: See, the AI won’t ever jump down from a ledge if it means taking damage, and right now the ettercaps have no route to the party that doesn’t involve taking damage.

: The spiders also won’t teleport up here because they’d be in melee range, so they sit back and spit acid.

: The good news is that it’s extremely unlikely that both spiders will teleport down there at once, and we have a high ground advantage.

: The other reason we don’t want to melee is because the spiders dump poison all over when they get hit.

: One of the spiders criticals, but it doesn’t kill anyone. From there, we finish off the ettercaps and we’re done with what would otherwise be a pretty hard fight.

: Rather than send the party all the way around, I have Karlach jump up to where the ettercaps were and loot everything.

3 Uktar, 1371 DR

Let it be known that I left my homeland because I was bound to my master, and not because I chose to. Were it not for the oath I swore, I would still be home, serving the zulkirs, and not tending to hog pox in this crude hamlet. However, an oath is an oath, and I will serve him, as is my duty, until I am released.

[The early journal entries are written in a delicate, intricate script that gets rougher and wilder the more pages you turn. It ends with one hastily scrawled entry.]

They did it! The Dark Justiciars got the old bastard before the zulks could. Now he’s bleeding out and once he’s gone, I’ll be free of this oath. I can go back. I’ll return the tome of necromancy he stole. They’ll forgive me then. They’ll know I’m loyal.

The keygem’s secure in the tunnels. Once I have it, I’ll slip into the cellar, take what I can carry, and then - home.

: Most of the loot down here is healing potions and vendor trash.

: You can also enter this area from the well, which comes out on the other side of the spider/ettercap room.

: If you’re willing to blow spells on the fight, you can have Shovel pull the enemies back into the tunnel from the well and set up AOEs in there to great effect.

: The reason I don’t is because.. I mean, we can get away with not doing it and healing potions are plentiful.

: This room has an item we’ll need to do the other encounter in the spider lair, which we’re not doing right now because we wouldn’t survive it.

: There are a bunch of little loredumps in this room, but this one’s the most important.

[This book’s leaves are stuck together with thick webbing that leeches ink when pulled from the page. Only the final entry remains remotely legible.]

It is time. I will forever transcend this blasphemous flesh and refashion myself in the Queen’s image. No longer will I be bound to this lowly form, this base shape of organ and bone. Even the arachnomancers of Menzoberranzan shall weep at my feet, their little spells so feeble and fleeting.

Today, I found the house of Lolth, and I shall be its Matriarch.

: The drow worship a giant spider, and naturally are obsessed with trying to turn themselves into spiders. It’s a wonder any of them survive.

: Arachnomancers are responsible for transforming high-ranking drow into driders - think centaurs but with the lower body of a spider instead of a horse.

: Really they’re just jorogumo, except evil instead of being horny BDSM lesbians.

: More scrolls to feed Gale. I hope he likes eating paper.

: Is that why all those evil wizards exist? I’d probably go insane if I sat around all day eating books.

: They’re like paper shredders. They work even faster if you cram the scrolls up their -

:Don’t tease him, Mara.

: The really high-level ones can fit an entire dictionary up there. Like Goatse.

: What’s a “goatse”?

: God DAMMIT, Mara!

: The item we came here for is this, a pair of magic boots that render you immune to webs. This will help with the boss fight.. when I get around to it.

: On the way back, we can open a couple of chests I forgot to open earlier. The one on the ground floor is trapped.

[Precise arcs and neatly cut lines form the blueprints of three weapons: a greatsword, a sickle, and a dagger. Each length and angle is marked with exact measurements, and forging instructions are printed carefully along the bottom of the page, emphasising an unusual ingredient: sussur bark. The sussur bark can only be applied to an ordinary, unmodified blade.]

: This also isn’t how masterwork weapons worked. They had to be crafted that way - you couldn’t take an existing weapon and upgrade it.

: One owlbear’s worth of experience for reading a piece of paper.

: “Weapon blueprints. They call for sussur bark. There’s only one place I’m finding a sussur tree: the Underdark.”

: The top floor has a chest with a +1 shortsword in it, which is a slight upgrade for Astarion (who is currently wielding two shortswords).

: Infernal Iron is used for Karlach. In fact, we can take it back to the druid grove right now.. but there are a few more things I want to do here first.

: Like grabbing this barrel of gunpowder sitting in a dark corner near that last chest.

: Now THAT’s an explosive barrel. Not quite as good as a barrel full of magically-enhanced demon gunpowder, but close.

: One of those things is in the only building in town (apart from the barn) we haven’t been in yet.

: Inside are three ogres eating a dead tiefling. Now, we could talk to them, or..

: You know, I think this might be the first time I’ll ever agree with Mara. They’re eating people.

: The easiest way to deal with these morons is to go through their dialog, plunk down a couple of explosive barrels, and blow them up.. but we can do better.

: See, we can get on the roof of this building and set everyone up behind a wall. We need to target Lump here first, because he’s a spellcaster and will make our lives miserable if we don’t.

: This gives us a surprise round, but just setting up on the roof isn’t good enough. It’ll take some time, but eventually they’ll figure out how to get up here.

: Unless we do this. Shadowheart and Karlach can both jump up here, which prevents the ogres from being able to find a path to melee them.

: And they don’t have ranged weapons either, so we can just shoot them forever. I wish all supervillains were this dumb.

: With their obvious melee path gone, the ogres will dash around trying to figure out a way to path to Karlach and Shadowheart and occasionally throw things for piddling damage.

: Each one of the ogres is worth 3.75 owlbears of experience. If we talked to them instead, we’d get an inspiration for Pollux.. and nothing else.

: Astarion levels up, and I put a level into Fighter so he can use those boots. This also boosts his damage when using two weapons.

: My plan is to make him more of a front liner dual-wielding melee weapons, since it’s easier for him to get sneak attack damage that way.

: If we instead go talk to the ogres, we find them eating a dismembered corpse.

: They argue over what it tastes like, and do this dumbass Three Stooges routine where one hits the others with a club. I’m going to skip this because two of them look exactly alike and it’d be confusing to do with portraits.

: The one with the nose ring is the only one who doesn’t talk like a caveman.

: “Gentlemen - contain yourselves. This quarrel sours our feast. Besides - taste like pork.”

: “And what surprise is this? Brothers, look here. I have eyed yet another prize. Fortune favors our bellies!”

: “Stranger: be you friend or food? The mark is Her measure: show us the brand of the Absolute.”

: The brand is a thing we could get if we had gone to the main goblin camp first. It activates a couple of early-game magic items and allows you to bypass a couple dialog checks.

1. [ELF] You speak with an eloquence unusual to your kind.
2. I bear no such brand.
3. [DECEPTION] I’ll do you one better - I’m one of the Absolute’s chosen disciples.
4. Attack.

: Most of these options involve us fighting the ogres.

: “I’ll do you one better - I’m one of the Absolute’s chosen disciples.”

: Skipping another Three Stooges routine, we get to ask Lump some questions.

: “I notice you don’t bear a brand of your own.”

: “I’ve no use for the Absolute - or any god. I follow two masters only: gluttony and greed. The goblins understand my appetites. They sate my hunger for gold.. and the rest sate my hunger for meat.”

Chock: Boss goblin give gold. We check brand. Good deal!

: “No talk!”

1. You are quite the articulate ogre.
2. Forget goblins. You should be fighting for me.
3. I’ve seen few other ogres in these parts.
4. Attack.
5. Leave.

: “Forget goblins. You should be fighting for me.”

: “I am by all accounts a student of higher commerce and extortion. Make me an offer. Tempt me.”

: We can either give them 500 gold, give them 1000 after they fight for us, or try and give them nothing.

: There are two reasons we don’t want to do this. The first is that I’m pretty sure if you summon the ogres and they die, you don’t get the EXP for killing them.

: The second is that Lump has an item on him we want, specifically for Pollux.

: “I’ll pay you in the flesh of the fallen - you’ll have your fill.”

: “A brilliant notion, and a boon to my aching belly. We have a deal, my tasty kibble! Take my bonehorn. One blow, and the ground will quake with my family name.”

Chock: Ogre kill everyone around! Then ogre eats them!

: “Well spoken. Indeed, ogre ‘kill everyone around’. We will keep close. When you are ready, sound the horn.”

: The problem with hiring the ogres is that they turn on you after one fight, and can’t be summoned for the one fight we’d really want them for.

: If we kill Lump, we find out why he’s intelligent: he ate a Headband of Intellect. Normally, these would set your intelligence score to 19, but this one only goes to 17.

: If we give this to Pollux, he can dip a level in wizard to get the ability to eat scrolls for spells. Spells cast this way use intelligence instead of charisma, so this boosts his intelligence high enough to be useful.

: Now that we’ve killed the ogres, we’ve done everything we can do in the first goblin camp… except one thing that isn’t obvious.

: I smell that radio fucker. What’s he doing here?

: This event activates when you pick up the mind flayer parasite in Nettie’s room and leave the grove. I was very careful with how I did my recording.

: Meet Raphael. He is by far the writers’ favorite character, and is.. clearly at least a little inspired by Alastor from the 2019 pilot of Hazbin Hotel.

: I am going to enjoy killing him.

: “My, my, what manner of place is this? A path to redemption, or a road to damnation? Hard to say, for your journey is just beginning.”

: “What would suit the occasion? The words to a lullaby, perhaps? The mouse smiled brightly: it outfoxed the cat!”

: “Then down came the claw, and that, love, was that. They do know how to write them in Cormyr, don’t they?”

: “Well met. I am Raphael. Very much at your service.”

: (Wait.. where’s Astarion?)

1. Pleasure. I’m Pollux.
2. Am I talking to the mouse or the cat?
3. Pretty words. If you want to threaten me, don’t disguise it.
4. Walk away while you still have legs to walk with.

: “Pretty words. If you want to threaten me, don’t disguise it.”

: “Why, I never! You’re paranoid, aren’t you?”

: “You teleported in behind me. I know what you are.”

: “Must be the surroundings. Rather bleak and lonesome. One feels so.. exposed. This quaint little scene is decided too middle-of-nowhere for my tastes.”

: “There. Middle of somewhere.”

: “I don’t like this at all.”

1. Nice decor.
2. Can you be more specific than ‘somewhere’?
3. Take me back. Now.
4. Reach for your weapon.

: “Can you be more specific than ‘somewhere’?”

: “The House of Hope. Where the tired come to rest, and the famished come to feed - lavishly.”

: Oh, come on! This is just the Hazbin if it had an operating budget. A pretty big one too, since half this stuff is all but impossible to get without a trip to the mortal world.

: I like meat as much as the next man, but who’s going to look at a table like this and want the pig head?

: Can they even grow watermelons in Hell? This is Hell, right?

: “Go on. Partake. Enjoy your supper. After all.. it might just be your last.”

1. What makes you say that?
2. I’m getting tired of your games.
3. Are these theatrics leading somewhere?
4. Ignore him and fill your plate.

: I knew IMMEDIATELY what the gimmick was here the second it gave you the option to take the food.

: (The food’s poisoned. I’m sure of it.)

: “Are these theatrics leading somewhere?”

: “Are you not entertained? Well - far be it from me to disappoint.”

: “What’s better than a devil you don’t know? A devil you do.”

: “Fuck. A cambion.”

: …What? He’s not a cambion! If he’s a cambion, I’m an imp!

: This is one of the things that the BG3 writers took some liberties with.

: A cambion is a half-human, half-demon. They’re normally the by-product of human-succubus or human-incubus relations.

: The only real difference between them and a tiefling is where they’re born: tieflings are born on the Prime Material Plane, while cambions are from Hell or the Abyss.

: In 3.5E, cambions had a challenge rating of 2, meaning that one of them would be an appropriate challenge for a 2nd-level party. By comparision, an owlbear is CR 4.

: In 5E they got buffed to a CR 5.

: “Am I a friend? Potentially. An adversary? Conceivably. But a savior? That’s for certain.”

1. Draw your weapon.
2. What makes you think I need saving?
3. Why would you help me?
4. I don’t care what you are - I care what you want.

: “What makes you think I need saving? Especially from a demon?”

: “Come now. Why play hard to get when you’re in deep over your tadpoled head?”

: “One skull, two tenants, and no solution in sight.”

: “I could fix it all like that.”

1. I’ll do anything to get rid of the tadpole.
2. I need to think this over.
3. You’re mad if you think I’ll make a deal with a devil.
4. Then fix it - or die at my hand.

: “You’re mad if you think I’m selling you my soul.”

: “And what is madness but a denial of reality? Still, I’ve a feeling you’ll change your mind. Before it’s changed for you…”

: “Try to cure yourself. Shop around - beg, borrow, and steal. Exhaust every possibility until none are left.”

: “And when hope has been whittled down to the very marrow of despair - that’s when you’ll come knocking on my door. Hope. Hahaha! Such a tease.”

: “That’s what separates us from the devils, soldier. They think our greatest strength is a weakness.”

1. And if I do want to take this deal - how do I find you?
2. I’ll have the last laugh in the end.
3. Take me back. After that, I never want to see you again.
4. I’ll rip out your mocking tongue.

: “Take me back. After that, I never want to see you again.”

: “By all means bite the hand that feeds you while you still have teeth. All those pretty little symptoms - sundering skin, dissolving guts - they haven’t manifested yet, have they?”

: “One might say you’re a paragon of luck. I’ll be there when it runs out.”

: If Raphael was actually a cambion, the party would know that he’d have no power to remove the tadpole.

: Now it’s time to see how this conversation really goes.

: If you know that fuckstain is coming, you can have one person sit back outside of conversation range. Alternatively, you can coat the ground in something that does damage, like acid.

: Any time a choice pops up in a conversation, you have the option to switch characters. Go ahead and switch to the person you left behind.

: From here, take a potshot at him. It doesn’t matter if the shot hits or not. He’ll teleport out the minute it happens and end the conversation.

: This triggers a failsafe we can use to kill him, but that will have to wait a bit.

: (Oh, THAT’S where Astarion was.)

: We’ve now done everything we can reasonably do in the goblin village. There’s one dangling thread left: dealing with Kagha.

: This requires a fairly tough fight, but the fact that we have so many explosives should make it easier.

: There are a couple of goblins near the south gate that are still worth EXP. At this point, the rest of the party was around 30 EXP from 4th level.

: At 4th level, we get our first feat. Astarion didn’t get one for some unknown reason, I think because he multiclassed.

: This is a change from 3.5E, where you used to get both a stat improvement and a feat every four levels. The first feat is almost always going to be improving your main stat to 19.

: Pollux doesn’t get a lot of good spell choices, which is why I’m eventually going to dip a level into wizard.

: I also take some time to loot the rest of the goblin village, and here we encounter a new type of explosive barrel.

: Wine barrels are the lowest form of explosive barrel. For the damage it does, you might as well pop the top off and get drunk instead.

: There are a couple of chests buried outside the south gate, as well as a backpack hidden in a tree.

: Also these dead bodies out front, which have a bunch of scrolls and healing potions on them. It’s at this point that Pollux reaches his carrying capacity.

: This bridge is another way you can get here if you take the most direct route from the grove.

: They’re going to need a wagon at this rate.

: If you’re planning on buying (or shop glitching) the staff from Auntie Ethel back in the grove, you need to do it before this next part.

: “I feel like there’s something we’re forgetting. Let’s see.. we hypnotized that obviously evil old woman with a dead rat, saved a bunch of children..”

: “Oh! Wasn’t that tiefling an infernal mechanic?”

: “Thought I sensed an infernal around here. But you aren’t from Elturel. What’s your story?”

: “Hey, I remember you. The weaponsmith, right? Your city was swallowed up by Avernus. And you were enlisted against your will, like my good self. I thought they had you for keeps. Glad you got out.”

: “I got lucky. It looks like you did too. And.. you brought some infernal machinery with you.”

: “A little gift from Zariel. Keeps me burning hot.”

: “Very hot, by the smell of it. Might be burning out a piston ring - or leaking oil. Mind if I take a listen?”

: I hope you enjoy this shot of Cutscene Astarion with his ridiculous hat.

: Look at his face!

: “Phew! You really are burning up. Whoever put that engine together tried to house metallurgical demono-valves inside a ra-gnax alloy casement. Very risky.”

: What do these writers think we do in Hell, exactly? It’s not Star Trek.

: “I might be able to help, but I’d need infernal iron. And a prayer that my hammer’ll survive the work.”

: “Will you be able to turn down the temperature a little? Worried that I’m gonna go in for a handshake and singe someone’s arm off one of these days.”

: “I’d worry about yourself first. That thing isn’t meant to operate outside Avernus. I’m not sure how much longer it’ll keep running, the way it’s going.”

: I think you have Hell confused with space again, unless that thing runs off drug lab fumes.

: “I’ll see what I can do to give you more time if you find some infernal iron, but a machine that complicated is going to need serious work - more than a pauper’s forge can handle.”

: “I think I picked up some of that infernal iron already. Can we at least see what you can do?”

: “The weight of it. And that blaze of chaos. Can’t imagine this where my heart should be. Must be quite the experience.”

: “There. You’ll have to install it, I’m afraid. I don’t think there are thick enough gloves in all the realms to protect from that kind of heat.”

: “That feels… good. I’m still burning hot as Hell’s hole, but I feel less.. changeable. Cheers, mate.”

: Fixing Karlach’s heart gives her advantage on saving throws against charm effects. We won’t be running into a whole lot of those.

: “Pleasure. As for the heat, I haven’t got any solutions now, but I’m not giving up. Could be if the combustion chamber had its own insulation, or if we had some kind of enchanted coolant…”

: “Find me again in Baldur’s Gate. If I’m worth my salt, I’ll have figured something out by then. Take care, Karlach. And hopefully the next time I see you, I’ll have something promising to report.”

: “Pocket any infernal iron you find along the way, hmm?”

: This is where we need to go to finish the Kagha questline. You can see Auntie Ethel in the distance.

: Before we go in, we need to Pollux to take a quick correspondence course in druid studies. He is a coastal druid because he likes the thought of spending long nights on the beach with a boyfriend.

: This guy, a druid? I don’t think he could survive outside for more than ten minutes without help.

: Doesn’t that kind of kill his itemization? I played as a druid and it was a pain to find new equipment.

: “Some old hag’s arguing with the locals. Where the hells is our bard?”

: “I’m, ah.. I’m wildshaping. I think.”

: Naturally, I had Salty Vanilla do a picture for this, because I don’t have photo mode thanks to not being on Patch 8.

: He’s going to need a lot of conditioner, or his tail’s going to be a snarled mess.

: “Lads, for the love of all that is holy, I’ve never clapped eyes on your sister.”

: She must be from Evil Ireland.

Johl: Drop the act, hag. You was the last to see Mayrina.

Demir: Just let her go. Please.

: “You there! Please, I don’t know what’s come over these boys. I just want to go home.”

Demir: Stop this! We..we won’t ask again.

: Unfortunately for these guys, they’re up against the writers’ second favorite character after Raphael. Auntie Ethel is a Drizzt.

1. How about you all just calm down. What’s going on here?
2. Lower your weapons. She’s just an old woman.
3. This is nothing to do with me. Goodbye.

: “How about you all just calm down. What’s going on here?”

Johl: Careful! Don’t trust a word out of her mouth. Our sister went to the hag, and we ain’t seen her since.

: “Hand over heart, I don’t know their sister. I will gladly help you all look for her though.”

Johl: Enough. Where is she?

1. I won’t let you hurt this woman.
2. I’m not getting involved.
3. Tell the truth - what did you do to their sister?

: “Tell the truth. What did you do to their sister?”

: “Bollocks. You were supposed to rush to my defense, love. Fat lot of good you are. Some advice? You ever darken my door, you’d best have that head bowed and an apology at the ready.”

: She then teleports away, because of course she can teleport. She’s a Drizzt.

Demir: Bloody hells, she just disappeared. Ain’t seen nothing like that before.

Johl: She could shoot fireworks out of her backside for all I care; the hag has Rina.

1. Will someone please tell me what’s going on?
2. Well, good luck with that.

: “Will someone please tell me what’s going on?”

Demir: It’s our sister, Mayrina. She is.. well, she was in a bad way after her husband died.

Johl: Started saying weird things, like how she was gonna bring him back.

Demir: Next thing, she’s gone looking for the hag. Of all the stupid things to do. We haven’t seen her sense, and no good ever came from dealing with a hag.

: We can offer to find her, but they tell us to fuck off and then promptly march into a trap and die.

: Ethel is a pretty difficult fight unless you know the gimmick to it. We probably could take her, but I’ll save it for after the goblin camp.

: “This is a really pict-purr-esque little wetland.”

: “It all seems kind of odd. I mean, that old woman is very clearly a hag.”

: I’ll let you in on a little secret. This swamp has an ambush in it that happens the minute you initiate the boss fight.

: The best way to get around it is to bring a wizard the first time you come through. The second best way is to bring a druid with the headband of intellect.

Narrator: A chill runs up your spine. You feel like you’re being watched.

1. [INVESTIGATION] Look for anything out of the ordinary.
2. [DRUID] [NATURE] Look for signs of unnatural activity.
3. Ignore the feeling.

: “One perk of being like this is that I can see so much better.”

: This check showcases a glitch with the headband of intellect: you can see that Pollux has a -1 intelligence modifier even though his intelligence is 17.

Narrator: You blink and the wilderness changes. A swamp, stinking and insidious, assaults your senses.

: This is one of the reasons why Ethel is a fanfiction. Making an illusion that big would only work in 3.5E (when illusion size scaled with caster level) and would cost tens of thousands of gold to make permanent.

: Now we know this place is evil, so we can find the tree and get out.

: You can see a couple of redcaps wandering around. If you don’t break the illusion, they’re disguised as sheep and will ambush you.

: The tree is on an island to the side, and is one of the most annoying fights in the early game… unless..

: The island we’re trying to get to has only one way in and out, which involves jumping between these little stone outcrops.

: The island itself is a hot zone full of mud mephits. They look like imps and are just as annoying to deal with.

: They’re low-tier earth elementals, not demons.

: They can fly, and they explode on death. The island itself is surrounded by deep water that makes movement difficult. This is only half of what makes them annoying.

: They have an unlisted ability that lets them summon another mephit, and they can do this every single turn. The summoned mephits have less health and lower stats, but still explode for just as much damage when they die.

: They’re partnered with these big, slow bastards who heal if they touch entangling roots unless they are set on fire. They’ll spam entangle before they go into melee.

: If you send everyone in, the mephits will hide and summon more of themselves to go up and explode in your face. Killing one of the big mephits causes all of its summons to explode immediately.

: This is assuming you don’t just break their AI. All we have to do is send Astarion in, have him sneak attack one of the patrolling mephits, and then run away.

: If you’re lucky, you get a chain reaction like this on the way out.

: When the mephits explode, they spew mud everywhere. Mud is difficult terrain and will slow anything that walks through it to a crawl.

: One viable strategy (not shown here) is to have your strength type sit over where Astarion is and shove the shit imps into the water. This instantly kills them.

: From there, the mephits will come, usually one by one, to attack you. Astarion is uniquely suited to be the front line for this fight because he can Disengage as a bonus action to stop them getting attacks of opportunity while he runs out of explosion range.

: Get fucked, assholes!

: Meanwhile, the wood woads will sit harmlessly on the broken bridge because they can’t jump. Put them out of their misery.

: And there you have it. Everything’s dead, and we’ve taken exactly one point of damage doing it.

: You know, it must’ve been fun in the good old days before every villain had a gun. I could fly around taunting their inability to do anything.

: The chest drops the “Sparkle Hands”, which are primarily a monk item that builds up lightning charges every time you hit with an attack.

: More importantly, they make it so that if you have lightning charges, all your attacks against things wearing metal armor (or made of metal) have advantage.

: They’re part of the same item set as Astarion’s boots, but there’s no set bonuses for having everything equipped.

: By the way, you can see from my first run how much damage everyone took from the explosions. It was not pretty.

: The letter we’re looking for is hidden behind the tree and requires a perception check to find.

Kagha:

Olodan has sent word of your progress; I am pleased that the Rite of Thorns has begun. I depart soon from Cloakwood to Baldur’s Gate. Should you need any further aid from my circle, now is the time to ask.

Once cloistered, the Emerald Grove will be the Shadow Druids’ domain, and you its first druid.

In Faldorn’s memory,
Archdruid Aelis

: Faldorn was a party member in Baldur’s Gate 1, and Cloakwood was a location you visited in that game. The Shadow Druids aren’t so much evil as they just kind of hate the fact that civilization exists.

: There’s also a hidden chest behind the big tree, on a raised platform.

: With that, we can go confront Kagha. If you haven’t respecced your main character to a druid, DO THAT NOW.

: If you’re observant, you might notice that Kagha is always around three rats, one of which is named Olodan. There is a unique bit of dialog here that only happens if you are a druid, you have the letter, and you have Speak with Animals active.

Narrator: The rat has hardly left Kagha’s side. A distant thought claws at your mind…

Narrator: What if it’s neither pest nor familiar - but another druid in animal form?

1. I know the truth. You are a Shadow Druid.

: “I know the truth. You are a Shadow Druid.”

Narrator: The creature’s whiskers go still for a moment before resuming their nervous jitter. The rat is otherwise silent in the face of your accusation.

: Now, you would think that we could simply attack the rats, proving that they’re actually druids in disguise - but if we do that, we miss out on loot.

: “Go on. Say it. You think I’m a monster.”

1. I know the truth. You mean to take the grove for the Shadow Druids.
2. Only a monster would threaten a child.
3. You’re protecting your own - sometimes cruelty is required.
4. Honestly, I just wanted to see what would happen.

: “I know the truth. You mean to take the grove for the Shadow Druids!”

: “What?”

: You know what I want to know? What was their plan if they got caught? There’s three of them against four druids and a small army of tieflings.

: The trick is that there’s a hidden exit to the underground passage from the library. They’d still need to kill all the druids in here to access it.

: “Tsk. That damned nose of yours has gone poking in our business.”

: “Mistress Olodan, I can explain…”

: “Shh-shh. No need. It couldn’t be helped.”

: Oh hey, it’s that codeword for “blow my head off with a gun”.

: SHOOT THE MOTHERFUCKER!

: “Kagha! What is the meaning of this?”

: “You think yourself quite the spy, don’t you? Go on - tell him.”

1. Take this letter, Rath. It will explain everything.
2. Kagha’s a Shadow Druid. She means to convert the circle.
3. Forget it, rat. You can explain yourself.
4. The Shadow Druids are taking over - the circle is overdue some change.

: “Kagha’s a Shadow Druid! She means to convert the circle.”

: “A Shadow Druid?! Kagha, have you lost your mind?!”

: “You and Halsin welcome untouchables into your midst. You defile the grove for the sake of ‘harmony’.”

: “Olodan speaks truth. Who among you disagrees? Who would see this grove in ruin?”

: If you saved Findal, he will be here to help. It’s now 8 on 4.

: “The choice is made. Kagha, burn the tainted away. Start with the snitch.”

: “As you say, Olodan.”

1. [DRUID] [NATURE] Can’t you feel how the prayer disturbs the soil and air? The grove trembles in fear.

2. [DRUID] [PERSUASION] Harmony is not weakness - it is balance. Strengh. Silvanus calls on you to preserve it.

3. [DETECT THOUGHTS] Probe Kagha’s mind.

4. Take the grove - I won’t stand in your way.

5. [DRUID] Spare my life, so I might join the Cloakwood druids.

6. You seem intent on forcing me to take your life. So be it.

: These checks would be easier to make if Pollux was a bard.

: “Can’t you feel how the prayer disturbs the soil and air? The grove trembles in fear.”

: “It.. it trembles in shame. It knows that in harmony, we perish. In shadow, we are pure.”

Narrator: Kagha’s voice breaks and her lips tremble. She heard reason in your words.

1. [WOOD ELF] Recite the frescoes you have read. Remind Kagha of the grove’s legacy.

2. [RELIGION] I know these druids’ ways. All they touch is fated to decay.

3. [PERSUASION] You know I’m right. Don’t let the shadows corrupt you.

4. I tried reasoning with you. Looks like it’ll take blood to settle this.

: Remember how we read the frescoes earlier? If you did, and you made the checks, you can completely bypass the skill checks here using the first option.

: The game re-reads the entire thing so I’ll skip that.

: “When.. when the darkest hour fell, it was us that brought light. Silvanus demands we illuminate shadow, not hide within it. How - how was I so blind?”

: I’m not gonna lie, I kind of hate doing the quest this way. Pollux recites some poetry at her and she immediately changes her worldview.

: If she’s so gullible that she decided to take over the grove just because someone told her she could, it kinda almost makes sense.

: “Careful, Kagha. The shadows don’t forgive.”

: “I belong to the shadows no longer! You’ve no power over me!”

: “You would question my power? Mother Earth, hear me!”

: Other than converting Kagha, there’s no good tactics here. The Shadow Druids will go after whoever confronted her.

: Pollux goes down to a crit, but Findal comes in and revives him. With Kagha and the druids on your side, you will eventually win this fight.

: We also learn one of the annoying things about druids. If a druid wildshapes, they get what’s effectively a second pool of health. If they “die” in animal form, they don’t lose any health - they’re just forced out of animal form and can go right back in the next turn.

: This fight gets you a TON of experience. You get 75 (nearly 4 full owlbears) per druid, plus another 15 for saving Kagha.

: Unfortunately, there’s no cheese tactics for this fight. You can put Astarion up on this pillar and have him hide every round for free sneak attacks, though.

: “Rath thought me a danger. Seems I’ve proven him right. Silvanus bid me to protect my people from harm. Yet I was the one to inflict it.”

: If your main character is a druid, you get a bonus scene here where she conjures up a staff.

: "There was but one druid who guarded the circle, who protected our ways. We are forever in your debt. You burn like fire, you howl like wind. You are Faithwarden.

: Pollux just got the Druid Medal of Honor and he’s not even a druid.

: “Take this gift and be known. May I not be the last monster you vanquish.”

1. What happens now?
2. Joining the Shadow Druids? What were you thinking?
3. You were lured by power. I’ve faced the same struggle.
4. Protecting the circle was natural - but you chose the wrong path.
5. [DRUID] You were ready to give up the circle to Cloakwood. It’s unthinkable.

: “What happens now?”

: “I endangered a child. I betrayed the circle’s trust. We will stop the rite and I will stand trial. My fate lies with Silvanus, may He have mercy.”

1. And what of Zevlor’s people?
2. How did the Shadow Druids even find you?
3. You don’t deserve mercy.
4. Leave.

: “And what of Zevlor’s people?”

: “We will grant them safe harbor until they depart. Meanwhile, help us contend with the goblins. Perhaps we can dissuade them from attacking.”

: “How did the Shadow Druids even find you?”

: “It began with a letter. There was no messenger - it simply.. appeared. Olodan came soon after. An army was coming, she said. Goblins, drow, and more still - legions upon legions.”

: “The druids of Cloakwood knew the dangers this would bring. They ordained that all circles cast the rite to shelter from the storm. Olodan taught me to harness the Treefather’s power to wall us in. In return…”

: “…Well, you know the rest. I would turn the grove over to them. I won’t forget the wounds I’ve inflicted. I pray Halsin returns to heal them in full.”

: Can I stop being a catboy nya-ow?

: Next time, we’ll solve the goblin camp through the universal language: murder.

: Or just beat them up.

: Shovel has two entire sets of alternate dialog if the character who initially summons her from the scroll is a a sorcerer.

: The first happens if you’re a sorcerer, but not a draconic bloodline sorcerer.

: “Eh? What is you? Why you smell like that?”

1. Like what?
2. Considering your stench, you can’t really judge.
3. [ELF] I’m an elf. Have you never seen one?

: “I’m an elf. Have you never seen one?”

: "No, not your beef slab! Inside. Master Illy is death and silk. Your magic is thunder and pain. Don’t - don’t like it..

: “…No magic, please! Is good servant. Very good!”

1. Make a grand gesture, as if preparing a spell.
2. I won’t hurt you, don’t worry.
3. ‘Master Illy’? Who is that?

: Don’t you even think about picking that first option.

: “Ah! AHHHHH! NO. BAD MAGIC. SORRY. SORRRY!”

: Okay, Sera. What’s next, ordering another extermination?

: Oh, look at me! I’m Mara, and I’m such a hardcore badass. Please don’t hurt the little imp!

: On this route, Shovel actually tells you the truth about the door.

: “Is this a trick?”

: “No! No. Truth. Only truth. Mirror hides the book. Book makes people eat fingers. Like sausages. Crunch, crunch! But Thunder Master can read it. Can conquer it! Yes!”

: The second one happens if you’re a draconic bloodline sorcerer and summon Shovel using the scroll. I should mention that both of these lock you out of getting her permanent summon.

: “Wait. You smell funny. Like - like fire and iron. Like a dragon.”

1. [DECEPTION] I am a dragon. But don’t tell anyone.
2. [DRACONIC BLOODLINE] I also have marks - I’m a descendant of dragons.
3. [DRACONIC BLOODLINE] There’s dragon blood in me, but that’s all I know.
4. Considering your stench, you can’t judge.

: Like which dragon? He’s not really a Kiryu, and he’s not crazy enough to be a Majima. He’s like a less dumpy Ichiban.

: There’s a funny bit of 3.5E lore with sorcerers. In 3.5E, sorcerers get their magic from having some kind of magical creature in their bloodline.

: The implication was that you could be a sorcerer just by being really good at lying about your heritage.

: Of course, even the most prolific reproducers among magical creatures can only have so many children.

: You mean all you have to do is say “I’m part dragon” and maintain a straight face? I can do that. I’m one-quarter dragonnn.."

: “Nope, can’t say it with a straight face.”

: Of course, by rules as written, you could claim to be any bloodline you wanted regardless of how ridiculous it would be. You could be an Aasimar (a half-angel) and claim to be the descendent of a demon.

: To be fair, can anyone prove they’re not part demon?

: Hold on.. I am part dragon! Why don’t I get spells?

: “Wooooooooooow. Shovel loves dragons! Big flappy bastards. But Master Illy said Shovel can’t be a dragon. Prick.”

: “Teach Shovel how to be a dragon! Then, Shovel tells you a secret. A big secret.”

1. Sure. Just hold your arms out real wide.
2. Tell me the secret first.
3. I lied. I’m not a dragon.

: “Sure. Just hold out your arms real wide.”

1. Perfect. Now flap real hard.
2. Try not to laugh.
3. You look very stupid.

: “Perfect. Now flap real hard.”

: “DRAGON SHOVEL IS GONNA EAT YOUR BABIES!”

: When she says this last part, she’s jumping and flapping her arms.