Down, Down, Down By the River: Let's Play Baldur's Gate 3

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3! As always, I’m Astra, and today we’ll be going out in search of Halsin!

: Are you taking over my LP again?

: This is how you do a Let’s Play. You welcome the viewers back every time you make a new video.

: Boy, those were some good ribs.

: And now he’s back, too? Wait, I don’t really mind The Shape as much.

: Of course I am! I just left to cook some ribs. Homemade barbecue sauce too.

: Why don’t you tell us about the various ways to skin a goblin?

: There are a few ways into the goblin camp. By far the easiest (assuming you’ve cleared the statue tunnel and have Arka out of the way) is to free Sazza.

: That’s the second easiest way. The easiest way is to sneak in and kill them all before they can breed.

: “Why’d ya open my cage? Think we’re gonna be friends? Too late for that, worgmeat. My tribe’s comin’. They’re gonna burn this pretty place for the glory of the Absolute and 'ang ya by yer guts.”

1. I just saved your life. Show some gratitude.
2. This god of yours is new to me.
3. Don’t worry, I’ll be gone before the killing starts.

: “I just saved your life. You can show some gratitude, or I can end you. No one’s going to question us killing an escaped prisoner.”

: “Think my tribe’ll care? They’ll peel yer face off and nail it to a wall! Unless.. unless ya listen to me. I can save ya. Help me escape, an’ I’ll tell my mates to leave ya alone. Wot do ya say? We 'ave a deal?”

: “It’s a deal, signed and struck.”

: We get disapproval from Lae’zel for some reason, even though we’re going to use her to let us into the goblin camp so we can kill them all.

: Sazza joins as an attached follower, like Us was back at the start of the game. She has 9 HP and will die if anything so much as breathes on her.

: Fortunately, we have the underground passage already cleared, so we can walk her through there and get free experience for doing it.

: “Ah, thought I was never gonna get outta there. Good to be free again, gotta say.”

1. You made me a promise, remember?
2. No one deserves to be locked up like that.
3. I’ll do a lot worse than that cage if you don’t make this worth my while.

: “You made me a promise, remember?”

: “Never break a promise unless there’s somefin’ in it for me. I’ll introduce ya to my whole tribe and put in a good word for ya - see ya at the camp.”

: What’s a little confusing is that there are actually two goblin camps - one that’s right down the road from the grove (and has to be passed through to get anywhere) and a second one at the old temple.

: Sazza can get us into the second goblin camp, but we’re on our own getting through the first one.

: If you follow Sazza, she’ll lead you past these two people leaning over a dying guy.

: And we’re going to help these people in need, because that’s what a hero does.

: We’re going to kill them in a hilarious fashion. Trust me, I’m the one who handles the tactician segments.

: They’re evil anyway. You’ll see.

Brynna: You’re a True Soul. You can’t die. Please stay with us.

Andrick: I don’t think he’s conscious. Can you hear us, Ed?

Brynna: You! Not a step closer!

Narrator: The mark glows, but you feel nothing in response. Your illithid power is beyond reach until you rest.

: (Is she trying to mind control me?)

: “What happened here?”

: “An owlbear. Please, do you have any -”

: “Shut up, Andrick! Do you serve the Absolute?”

Edowin: Wait.

Narrator: The injured man locks eyes with you. A familiar squirming churns in your head.

1. Try to block him out.
2. Hold his stare.
3. Move away, reaching for your weapon.

: We could kill them outright, but that’s the way one of those stupid imps would do it. Instead, we’re going to think like an overlord and make these morons useful.

: (Get.. out.. of my gods-damned HEAD!)

Narrator: Useless. Your minds intertwine. You see his siblings - Andrick and Brynna. New recruits. Yours to shepherd.

: Siblings? Somebody doesn’t know they were adopted. Should’ve been an option to point that out and then laugh at them.

: The question is which one is adopted, though. Did the humans get adopted by the dwarves, or the other way around?

: Naturally, the humans adopted the dwarf. Dwarves never adopt children of races larger than they are.

: Mara? Did you let ANOTHER vtuber into my thread? My thread isn’t a hotel for washed-up vtubers!

: I didn’t, but at this point it might as well be.

: Who are you calling washed-up? I was the one who invited her.

: Strange. Weren’t you the one who wanted to play Monster Girl Quest, as.. wrong as that is? Don’t you know who I am?

: Callie was done by _pelmesha on Discord. You might ask how many PNGtubers I have, and the answer is enough to run a legal Pathfinder Society table.

: A knockoff of Alice?

: Rude. She’s..

: Callifex Fateburn, the 27th Monster Lord. You may call me Callie.

: Shouldn’t you be, you know, stopping the monster girls from dragging all the poor innocent human men off and uh..

: That might’ve been true hundreds of years ago, before we discovered Monster Boy Island and finally banished Ilias for good. Now the role is largely symbolic.

: That sounds like a more interesting plot than Paradox had.

: Now if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got murder to get back to.

: By all means.

Edowin: Protect them. He is a True Soul. Mind him. He will - he - he…"

: “Edowin. Ed! Please!”

: “He’s with the Absolute now. You’re.. you’re a True Soul. Edowin, our brother - he was chosen. Like you.”

: “Do you have orders for us? We were reporting to Edowin.”

1. You’re mistaken - I’m no True Soul.
2. True Soul?
3. Explain this Absolute to me.
4. Perhaps you can help me. I’m looking for the druid Halsin.
5. Why are you out here? The wilderness is dangerous.
6. You need to find the beast and avenge your brother.

: We want to pick one of the options that makes us seem clueless about the Absolute, because in-character, Pollux doesn’t actually know what a True Soul is.

: “True Soul?”

: “What…? Are you.. are you testing us?”

: “A True Soul - like you - has been chosen by the Absolute. You speak with Her voice. Your words are Her command. She grants you the power to enforce Her will. And when the time comes, the True Souls - you - will rule.”

: “Please. Any supposed new god would have an uphill battle.”

1. A crude summary. You have more to learn of our faith, novice.
2. You’re mistaken - I’m no True Soul.
3. Perhaps you can help me. I’m looking for the druid Halsin.
4. Why are you out here? The wilderness is dangerous.
5. You need to find the beast and avenge your brother.
6. Forget the owlbear. You’re still alive - so go.

: Asking about Halsin gets us a one-word response.

: “Why are you out here? The wilderness is dangerous.”

: “We know that all too well, sir. But.. the Absolute sent us here.”

: “We’re looking for fugitives. Survivors from that ship that crashed further west of here.”

: “These fugitives - tell me more.”

: “We don’t know what they look like, but anyone who survived that crash is bound to be injured. That’s enough to get us started. The Absolute wants them found. At any cost.”

: I’m not going to type out the entire dialog option list a third time, but you can tell them you’re the people they’re looking for (which initiates combat) or leave at this point.

: We’ve got better plans.

: “You know what you two need to do? Go find the beast and avenge your brother.”

: This is one of the few moments where we can get approval from Astarion without being an outright villain.

: “It killed one of us. It killed Edowin. It’s an enemy of the Absolute. You’re right, sir. The beast must be destroyed.”

: “The cave is just ahead. It was too much for us before, but.. if you could help us, True Soul.. we may stand a chance.”

: “Did we really need to send them to their deaths?”

: You do know that those infected with illithid parasites have their souls destroyed when they undergo ceremorphosis, right? And that they’re no longer in control of themselves?

: “Well, fuck.”

: Before we can continue on, there’s a scene that plays if we walk past the corpse.

Narrator: A strange power resonates within the corpse. It calls to you.

Narrator: Your limbs move of their own accord - there’s something of value here. Something your mind craves.

: (…! No! Stop! The poison! I need to reach for the poison!)

Narrator: Why let its hosts memories go to waste? The tadpole has absorbed it all. Its experience could nourish you, strengthen you.

1. Let your body guide you - welcome the tadpole’s influence.
2. [STRENGTH] The tadpole is toying with you. Resist it.
3. [WISDOM] Force your mind shut. You will not be influenced by an illithid parasite.

: (Damn you! Get out of my mind! I reject you!)

: If we failed the save, or chose not to make it, we’d get another mind flayer parasite in a jar. This is the optimal thing to do, because as the game implies, the parasites are currency for power-ups.

: I personally don’t think Pollux would be into that idea, and so he will be resisting any urge to consume parasites. My tactician character sold all of the parasites and never used them.

Narrator: Your muscles loosen. The tadpole breaks free of its deceased host. Your mind is your own again. For now.

: You can see the owlbear nest from where the two idiots were. On tactician, and ESPECIALLY on honor mode, we would not want to go in there this early.

: “This is it. I guess we… go inside?”

: The funny thing about this is that there’s an entire new mechanic for it on honor mode, and yet no one who plays that is ever going to do this fight.

: There are a few items we can take in here without the owlbear getting aggressive, but because we let the two idiots in, we have to fight.

: “It’s just ahead. It’s.. it’s huge. I’m not sure I can do this.”

: We get the opportunity to mind control him, except our mind control powers are on cooldown.

1. [PERFORMANCE] The Absolute has plans for you, child - and they only begin here.
2. [INTIMIDATION] I won’t tolerate cowardice. Attack - now.
3. [NATURE] Press your advantage now, before the beast smells your fear.
4. Leave.

: The checks are only a DC 5 even without mind controlling them.

: The first thing it does is a 70-meter leap with a massive AOE at the end.

: The leap doesn’t do damage, but it does have a chance to knock people down, which leaves them vulnerable to a follow-up attack.

: It then mauls Andrick for 14 damage. The owlbear starts with a status condition that stops it from critting, but it’s still more than capable of oneshotting someone.

: The other NPC uses Command to make the owlbear halt for a turn. This most likely would not work on tactician because of the save bonuses.

: The owlbear also has a cub, which will usually stay away from the fighting. If you kill it, the owlbear immediately enrages.

: Speaking of enraging, once its HP gets low enough, the owlbear enrages anyway. This gives it the ability to attack twice a round, which can and will kill someone if both attacks hit.

: It only gets one of these off before we kill it. Unfortunately, it chooses to do this on Lae’zel instead of one of the disposables, who decide to go fight the cub.

: We get a whopping 20 EXP for that fight. For comparison, we got 35 for letting Sazza out of the druid grove.

Narrator: The cub looks from you to his dead mother.

: This event is a bit glitchy even on Patch 8. It’s intended to play regardless of how the mother owlbear dies, but sometimes the cub will aggro you for no reason.

Owlbear Cub: Braaww!

: Let me translate from monster: He’s saying “Wake! Hungry!”

: He’s saying “Please explode me.”

: No, that’s literally what he’s saying.

Narrator: A single strike will end his suffering…

1. Let the creature live.
2. Attack.

: “We will allow this noble creature to live, even though we just murdered its mother in front of it for.. actually, why DID we do that?”

: “To kill those two cultists. Unfortunately, they’re both still alive.”

: “Ngh.. it hurts…”

: What’s he saying? Is it something deep like “Why did these adventurers perpetuate a cycle of senseless violence when they could have walked away?”

: This is a game about finding creative new ways to murder things. I don’t think the writers are capable of that kind of self-reflection.

: Oh, no. He’s saying “Hungry! Food!”

Narrator: You watch, speechless, as the cub begins to eat his mother.

: Owlbears know only two emotions: hungry and angry.

: You know, maybe we should just kill it. It’s for the best.

: The owlbear has a spear head on it. The other half of the spear is on the dead guy outside.

: We also kill the two idiots for vendor trash.

: “An owlbear egg. These are supposed to be worth a fortune.”

: There’s a skeleton with some garbage armor on it - any undead that attack you take damage, but you take extra damage from beasts.

: We find enough healing potions in the cave that we come out still having not used a single resource other than potions. And now..

: Before we get started, let’s talk about the setup for this fight on honor mode.

: On honor mode, we ambush and kill the two cultists. They’re a liability.

: Now it’s time to go in the cave and take a left. This leads to a grotto with some items in it.

: “This is a shrine to Selune. It looks like that chest is magically sealed.”

: Rule one: Don’t touch the chest. It burns you if you try. Do, however, grab the potion of animal speaking (we’ll need it) and the healing potion next to it.

: “That damn chest nearly lit me on fire!”

: There’s a “correct” way to open that chest, but we have a much easier method using Lyselle. This can be done with any character.

: Withers can change your class for 100 gold. You can steal the gold back afterward, because there’s no penalty for pickpocketing him.

: We have Lyselle take a correspondence course in cleric studies and make her a cleric of Selune. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work to get into Heaven. Learned that one the hard way.

: And by the power vested in you by the State of Nevada, the chest now magically opens.

: “You should leave it. Or even destroy it, if possible.”

1. But.. why?
2. Don’t be ridiculous - there could be something useful here.
3. If you insist.

: “But.. why? There could be valuable trash in there we could sell to a trader for money.”

: “This rubbish is an offering to Selune. At best, it’s worthless. At worse.. who knows? Could be cursed. Do not trifle with that moon witch or her trinkets. Only trouble will follow.”

1. [INSIGHT] Why do you care so much?
2. [INTIMIDATION] I’ll do as I please. If you want to try stopping me, be my guest.
3. [PERSUASION] We can’t just abandon resources that we might need. Be sensible.
4. If it matters that much to you, I’ll leave it.

: “We can’t just abandon valuable vendor trash. Be sensible.”

: “Fine. Perhaps you can sell them for a couple of coins.”

: The moondrop pendant makes it so you don’t provoke AoOs if you’re under 50% HP. We’ll have someone wear it until we can find something better. The rest is vendor trash.

This tome describes the ancient initiation rites observed by some who worshipped the moon goddess, Selune. When a youngster came of age, they would be left to fend for themselves, deep in the wilds. There, they would show their skills of navigation and self-reliance, a well as their determination to return to the Moonmaiden’s silvery glow. Once they found their way back to their people, their fath and standing as a follower of Selune would be beyond any doubt.

: How are any of these morons still alive? I’m a demon and didn’t do anything close to that to my kids.

: You.. have kids?

: Seven daughters. And before you ask, no, they’re not giant penises.

: Surely the parents must secretly intervene to stop their children from dying.

: Faerun is built on child neglect. But wait, what does any of this have to do with fighting the owlbear?

: Oh, that’s easy. Nobody fights the owlbear on honor mode, because if it’s not kept silenced it calls in a second owlbear which has more strength and resistance to physical damage.

: Image credit: https://bg3.wiki

: If you keep progressing the plot and long rest after entering the cave once, you can eventually come back here and some goblins will have killed the owlbear for you. They’re a much easier fight.

: The owlbear nest has a pretty clear path up from it. This leads us to the back door to the first goblin camp. We aren’t going to take that just yet.

: This is the back door. If you look in the other direction (and have Pollux down that potion of animal speaking we found)..

: There’s a dog sitting next to a corpse. This encounter is still very doable without the potion of animal speaking, but we want to use it.

: Unfortunately, I don’t speak dog.

: "Keep moving, stranger. Quietly.

1. What happened here?
2. Who is that?
3. Leave.

: “Bark! Bark! Woof?”

: Translation: “What happened here?”

: “I told you to go!”

1. [PERCEPTION] Peer at his collar.
2. [INTIMIDATION] If I wanted to hurt either of you, I’d have done it already.
3. [PERSUASION] I’m not an enemy, I promise.
4. Leave.

: “Arf! Woof!”

Narrator: You see a name etched into the leather - ‘Scratch’.

1. You’re Scratch, aren’t you? Come here. It’s all right.
2. [INTIMIDATION] If I wanted to hurt either of you, I’d have done it already.
3. [PERSUASION] I’m not an enemy, I promise.
4. Leave.

: “Arf!”

: Translation: “You’re Scratch, aren’t you? Come here. It’s all right.”

: Why is he barking?

: How did you think potions of animal speaking work? You drink a potion and the dog suddenly understands English?

: So THAT’S why they never listen to me.

: “You know my name? Interesting - a predator wouldn’t care to learn it. Still, you should go. My friend is injured. He needs rest.”

1. I don’t think he’s going to wake up.
2. Rest? He needs a grave.
3. Leave.

: “Bark!” (Now do I scratch behind my ear once or twice?)

: Translation: “I don’t think he’s going to wake up.”

: “Of course he will. And then we’ll return home.”

1. What happened to your friend, exactly?
2. Come on, you can travel with me if you like.
3. Prove the man is dead - shout at his corpse.
4. Leave.

: “Awroo?”

: Translation: “What happened to your friend, exactly?”

: “We were attacked. Cackling, furry things on two legs. And their smell.. it was strange. Rotten. Evil.”

: (Those would be gnolls. Is there a dog word for gnolls?)

1. Come on, you can travel with me if you like.
2. Prove the man is dead - shout at his corpse.
3. Leave.

: “Arf. Bark!” Whine.

: Translation: “Come on, you can travel with me if you like.”

: “No. I won’t leave him.”

1. If he doesn’t wake up, follow my scent. I have a camp.
2. Prove the man is dead - shout at his corpse.
3. Leave.

: * Holding out hand to the dog *

: “If it comes to that… I may. Thank you.”

: I didn’t know you spoke dog, Mara.

: I don’t. That’s just a little demon sorcery.

: We can now search the corpse, whose name was apparently “Gomwick.”

: He doesn’t have much - some camp supplies and three letters.

Gomwick,

Be doubly careful on the way back to Baldur’s Gate. I’ve received more reports of attacks on travelers throughout the region. I can’t have my best messenger winding up face down in a ditch somewhere.

Watch yourself - better late than never.
Postmaster General Danzo

Daven,

It’s a boy! He’s healthy and perfect; I’ve named him after his father. Come back and see us as soon as you can get leave.

Love,
Flora (and Daven Junior)

Nine-Fingers,

I won’t come back to the city, not while you have your thugs looking for me. If you want the debt paid, you’ll have to trust me and collect it yourself. Go to the graveyard and look for where a ‘M Kurwin’ is buried. Get digging and you’ll find enough valuables to settle matters between us.

Don’t go looking for me. I’ll know when I’m safe.
S

: Right behind Scratch is a spot where we can jump over this stream. In hindsight, I probably should’ve saved this for later.

: I temporarily drop Astarion from the party. You can ask him about his background if your character is a Noble, so I do that.

: “Oh, what’s there to tell? I’m a magistrate back in the city. It’s all rather tedious.”

: “A magistrate that carries a dagger and attempts to take hostages?”

: Pollux gets an inspiration point and 25 EXP, which I want to point out is more experience than we got from killing the owlbear.

: The reason I dropped Astarion is to take Wyll, because the next event doesn’t really work without him.

: The only really important thing we need here is Agonizing Blast, because Eldritch Blast is Wyll’s main source of damage. I’ll go through the options, though.

: Sucks ass. Mage Armor’s great, except for the part where warlocks are proficient in light armor. If you take this, your warlock is competing with your wizard/sorcerer for gear.

: I take Beast Speech because Speak with Animals is useful in a lot of places.

: This is a good option if you need your warlock to be a face. We don’t need that because we have both Pollux and Lyselle.

: This isn’t a terrible option if you’re planning on spamming Darkness everywhere, but probably isn’t worth taking.

: Fiendish Vigor might be worth it early on, but falls off really hard later. Pass.

: Disguise Self is useful for a lot of things, but Shadowheart has it as a ritual spell and we have no other source of Speak with Animals.

: Trash. Potions of invisibility (which work anywhere, not just shadows) are easy to come by. In fact, we already have one.

: Repelling Blast is interesting, and I’ll probably take it the next time Wyll gets the option to.

: Trash. Bane is a 1st-level spell, and not even a particularly good one.

: We then get to pick Wyll’s one and only 2nd-level spell. Because of how warlocks work (they always cast spells at their highest level) it isn’t really important what we take, but we still want something that scales.

: Cloud of Daggers is an excellent choice - it’s an AOE spell that does damage and scales. Pollux has it, but I haven’t used it yet.

: Scorching Ray is also a good choice because it does (potentially) lots of damage and scales. The rest are all utility spells, which we don’t want because either Pollux, Gale, or Lyselle will get them.

: Finally, Wyll gets a pact boon. The only real option here is Pact of the Blade, which used to be a gamebreaker.

: Pact of the Blade allows you to either summon a weapon, or pick a weapon and make it your “pact weapon”. This makes it use Charisma instead of Strength for attack rolls and damage.

: Because your pact weapon can’t be sold, you used to be able to make an expensive weapon your pact weapon and then swap it in a trader menu for something useless, which allowed you to infinitely sell your pact weapon for money.

: As previously discussed, this still works on Patch 8 if you’re using the new Hexblade subclass.

: The other options give you a non-scaling familiar and a couple of bad spells that aren’t worth using.

: “That’s a lot of blood.”

: “And that appears to be a.. hold on, that’s just a tiefling.”

: “Ngh…”

: “One horn. The stink of Avernus. Advocatus diaboli.”

: “Well I’ll be godsdamned - the Blade of Frontiers. Thought I’d shaken you for good. That’ll teach me to underestimate you.”

1. You’re the devil we’re hunting. Karlach, right?
2. Tell me, monster - what’s it like to know you’re about to die?
3. These are no natural flames - prepare to fight.

: “You’re the devil we’re hunting. Karlach, right? You look more like a tiefling to me.”

: “Bloody right. An honor to be chased by the Blade of Frontiers. But - agh!”

Narrator: A great heat roars through you; her heat; fiery as the Hells. Then you’re lost in visions of demonic armies as you tear through a landscape of fire and blood.

Narrator: The Blood War. You saw it from above as the nautiloid passed through Avernus - this woman was on the front line.

: “What was that?!”

: A minor interjection now that we’ve met Karlach - she and Wyll were both meant to be directly linked to Descent to Avernus until Wyll’s backstory was rewritten.

: “Evidence. Proof that you’re a devil, a gladiator in the archdevil Zariel’s army.”

: Zariel is a Descent to Avernus character who has the most Blizzard-ass backstory in existence outside of a Blizzard game.

: She was originally an angel who saw the Blood War and goes “I want me some of that” before leading an army to Hell.

: Half her army deserts before they even get there because even they realize how dumb this entire plot is. Zariel loses an arm, knowingly walks into being captured, and then immediately falls to corruption when Asmodeus promises her rulership of Avernus.

: “I want to fight the demons”, Zariel said. “No, Zariel.. you are the demons,” the radio replied. And then Zariel was a demon.

: “I can explain. But it’s a whole situation. If you’d just hear me out…”

: Karlach feels like she was written by someone younger than the rest of the writer’s room.

Narrator: Another vision. Karlach’s blade raised, slicing through devils - Zariel’s servants - as her eyes dart around, seeking escape. Her rage and desperation seep into you. She is a victim of the Blood War, not an agent of it.

: “She’s trying to trick us. Don’t believe her lies.”

: “You saw the truth. I never wanted to serve Zariel. I was enlisted in her army against my will. Forced to fight, and fight I did. When I saw an opportunity to get away, I took it. I’m finally home - or near it, anyway.”

: “You served her. That’s enough to damn you.”

1. Stand down, Wyll. You saw what I saw.
2. Be practical. She’s infected, same as us - and powerful, too. We can use her as an ally.
3. Looks like you found your mark, Wyll. Let’s send your devil back to the Hells.

: “Stand down, Wyll. You saw what I saw.”

Narrator: Wyll catches his breath, and his lips straighten. Sheer dread twists his face.

: “You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re asking me to trust a devil.”

1. Gods, you’re stubborn. Karlach’s not a devil, and you know it.
2. You saw her thoughts. She poses no danger to the Sword Coast.
3. You’re right. Cut her down before she causes trouble.

: Notice that Lae’zel approves. I happen to know that Lae’zel and Karlach have a number of gay romance scenes, and I suspect those were written before they changed it so that all of the characters are romance options.

: “Listen to sense, now. I don’t want this to end badly for either of us. You know monsters, right? Better than anyone. Look into my eyes. Can’t you see I’m not what you think?”

: “You really are no devil, are you? I’ve.. I’ve been deceived.”

: “Thank the gods. Thought I was going to have to take your head.”

: “You would’ve died in the attempt. But - there have been enough threats today.”

: “Truce then, hey?”

: “Aye. Truce.”

: “I’m Karlach - but you already knew that. And you are…?”

: “I’m Pollux.”

: “Well met, soldier. Nice to meet a friendly around here - it’s been tough going so far.”

: “I may not be a devil, but I can put the Blade’s reputation to work. How would you feel about helping me kill some evil bastards?”

: “A little background, if your moral compass needs something to point at… you already know I fought in the Blood War. I was good. Really good.”

: “Turns out I’ve got a knack for killing demons. That made me a valuable asset. Zariel - the archdevil herself - made me her personal attack dog.”

: “I played along until I could get the fuck out of there, but devils don’t like to lose their assets. Zariel liked it so little, she sent a bunch of goons, so-called ‘Paladins of Tyr’, to take me back. Problem is, I’m not going.”

1. Let’s send them back where they came from.
2. So you want me to kill the people hunting you?
3. Why should I do your dirty work?
4. I have my own problems. I don’t need yours.

: “Let’s send them back where they came from.”

: “Fuck yes. The cornered me outside the tollhouse, just up the hill. Doubt they’ve gone far after the scorching I gave them.”

: “Then we can work on evicting this parasite and take Faerun by the short hairs. Sound good?”

: A warrior who winks at her foes while she slays them. You’d be a fool to refuse her."

: Karlach leaves for camp, and we get a brief scene with Wyll. If you don’t have him for this part, it’s a lot shorter and you recruit Karlach with no issues.

: I’m going to skip Karlach’s character selection scene, only because we already know what her deal is. The only thing it tells us we don’t know is about her heart.

: Karlach’s heart is an engine, and it runs off those soul coins we found earlier. If you keep her as a Barbarian, you can feed her coins to make her do fire damage on attacks when she’s raging.

: “You’ve been witness to a pantomime, I’m sorry to say. And I’ve played my part all too poorly.”

1. What’s that supposed to mean? Lay it out plainly, Wyll.
2. Someone set you on Karlach’s tail. I’d like to know who.
3. If you weren’t so useful, I’d drive a dagger through your skull.

: “Someone set you on Karlach’s tail. Who was it?”

: “I can say only this. Karlach’s not the only one who’s had a villain’s knife held to their throat.”

: “Chk. What manner of ‘hero’ is so shrouded in secrets?”

: “I have never called myself ‘hero’, but I am bound to an oath. One night soon when we make camp, the veil will be lifted and I’ll pay my penance.”

1. Penance? Should I be worried?
2. Good, then. I deserve answers.
3. Intriguing - a chance to see the Blade squirm, perhaps?

: “Penance? Should I be worried?”

: “You’re not in any danger, I promise. I can’t say the same about me.”

: I respec Karlach into a fighter and give her all of Lae’zel’s gear. Functionally, she is Replacement Lae’zel. I also ditch Wyll for Astarion.

: There’s a road that leads up to the toll house, but we can use the ladder here instead. This will give us an opportunity for..

: The toll house is a pain in the ass at this level. The smart play would be to come back later. But fuck that, there’s a paladin in there and he’s going to die.

: There are three entrances into the building. One is here, just above the ladder.

: The second one is on the second floor, up this ladder. We could destroy the ladder, but the paladin can jump to the roof from the ground.

: The third entrance is the front door. The big double doors are blocked from the inside and nothing can get through them.

: If the paladin gets anywhere near melee range, everyone is going to die.

: The paladin and his ranger friend start in the main room. There’s a wizard behind the other door on the first floor. There’s no easy way to predict their movements and set up an ambush.. or is there?

: First, we grab a couple of the empty boxes and barrels sitting around and block off the ladder. This doesn’t actually block off the ladder, but it makes the pathfinding AI THINK it’s blocked.

: Next, we go in the building with anyone who isn’t Karlach. No one will care if we do.

: This wizard in the back is a trader, and we want to pickpocket her.

: She has some healing potions, another potion of animal speaking, a supply bag, and two scrolls - Mirror Image and Acid Arrow.

: We’ll just borrow that scroll of Mirror Image and the invisiblity potion… and her four healing potions. And the potion of animal speaking.

: Oh, and that grease bottle she has. Unlike the real world, merchants only drop a portion of their inventory when killed (and no gold).

: All of the barrels and crates in her room are freely lootable, so I’ll also borrow a few of these and use them to barricade the lower door.

: The AI can still get out due to climbing being very buggy, but it’ll take them a bit.

: Before leaving, let’s loot everything and borrow some more barricade materials.

: The AI can climb this, but it will confuse them for a couple of turns and that’s what we want.

: Just for good measure, let’s also block the inner ladder. This doesn’t work nearly as well, and the AI will eventually figure this one out, but it’s worth a shot.

: Astarion can easily hide on the balcony and take a sneak attack at the paladin. Now we get to watch the AI get very confused.

: Astarion’s movement is so high due to his thief subclass that he can shoot and then run out the upper door and close the door behind him.

: This absolutely bewilders the idiots downstairs, who start trying to dash into the back room but stop because the outer door is blocked.

: Astarion keeps performing hit-and-runs while the rest of the party waits outside.

: By the time the paladin figures out he can shoot the obstruction on top of the ladder, he’s at 1 HP.

: And then Astarion opens the door and kills him. That’s the big threat down. The ranger is outside the door, and the wizard is still trying to get outside.

: Here’s a trick that I could’ve done in the crypt - the AI will waste a turn dashing through closed doors around 90% of the time, even if there’s no reason for it.

: The ranger runs out to the ladder and promptly dies.

: The wizard hurls an alchemist’s fire at the door, hitting Astarion for one damage.. before running through and lighting herself on fire.

: Normally, the wizard would use those scrolls… only she doesn’t have them anymore, so she instead wastes a turn casting Hold Person and dies for her trouble.

: Couldn’t you have just Commanded the paladin to drop his weapon instead of going through this elaborate barricade scheme?

: That’s the backup plan. The problem is that he’s resistant to being mind controlled because he’s a paladin and paladins are assholes, so it’s not a good opening move.

: “Fuck them. Fuck Zariel. I won’t go back. I’m never going back.”

: “And if any of mummy’s little friends want to pick up where the others left off.. they’ll find nothing but a pile of ash.”

1. Each, Karlach. Those flames are getting big.
2. Zariel won’t get near you again. We’ll make sure of that.
3. Tear this place apart.

: “Tear this place apart. Assuming you can get past all the boxes.”

: “Zariel’s gotta stop fucking with me, you know? I’m done with it. I’m done with her. I’m free. FREE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

: Karlach then goes on a rampage smashing stuff.

: The wizard drops four revival scrolls, which is another reason we want to pickpocket her - it makes her more likely to drop valuable stuff that’s harder to steal.

: The paladin drops a magic greatsword that’s slightly worse than the one we got at the very start of the game.

: It allows you to cast a spell that gives you +2 to armor class, but requires concentration to keep up.

: There’s another way to get it if you kill Karlach and bring her head to the paladin, but why bother when we can make his brain break?

: It is admittedly pretty funny that a grown man could get stuck on some empty wooden boxes.

: I liked the part where he kept running into a wall.

: "Phew. Had to let off a little steam after facing off with those ignots. Granted the fire’s lasting a little longer than it should. How do I look?

1. Like you should’ve melted a long time ago. How can you stand it?
2. Hot.
3. Slightly mad, to be honest. Are you all right?

: “Like you should’ve melted a long time ago. How can you stand it?”

: “Honey, I could go all night. Hear that? Infernal engine for a heart. Lets me burn hot as the Hells. Seems to be running in overdrive since I left Avernus.”

: “Won’t be seeing my mechanic anytime soon, so I’ll just make the most of the extra heat. Just don’t get too close 'til I’ve found a way to calm it down.”

1. How the hells did you get an infernal engine for a heart?
2. You have a mechanic for your heart?
3. What does the engine allow you to do?

: “How the hells did you get an infernal engine for a heart?”

: “High pain tolerance. And a dynamic duo of truly shitty bosses.”

: So what you’re saying is.. she had a Helluva-

: No.

: What’s the matter, Mara? You’d fit right in on that show.

: Are you calling me an imp?!

: I have no idea what you kids are talking about, and I’m not sure I want to know.

: “But it’s a bit early in the game to be getting into tragic backstories. Let’s save the scar-show for later, after we’ve worked up an appetite for tragedy.”

: “Meanwhile, I’ll need to find someone who can tune up my engine sooner rather than later. Believe me when I say this thing is hot.”

: “The first time I faced down those ‘paladins’, they let slip that there was an infernal mechanic in the area. A tiefling. He might be able to stabilize things - if I can find him.”

1. There are some tieflings holed up in a druid’s grove nearby. We might look there.
2. I’ll keep an eye out for someone like that.
3. What’ll happen if you don’t get tuned up?
4. Leave.

: “There are some tieflings holed up in a druid’s grove nearby. We met one who said he was an infernal mechanic.”

: “Sounds like a good lead. A tune-up would do this old tub a world of good.”

: There’s a soul coin on the roof. It’s kind of hard to see - it’s between the barrel and the box next to where the ladder used to be before Karlach destroyed it.

: Since she’s a Fighter, soul coins are kind of pointless and we can freely sell them. Karlach will give us a tutorial on them if we pick it up, which I’ll skip.

: The toll house has a basement, but we’ll be back for that later. The reason is that you need a key to do anything in it, and I don’t want to accidentally cross the invisible trigger that automatically fails all the druid grove quests.

: Our next stop: the goblin camp.

: This is the eastern gate to the first goblin camp. If someone makes a perception check, they’ll let you know there are goblins waiting to ambush you.

Goblin Booyahg: Get over there. Surround 'em, like.

1. I know you’re there. Show yourselves.
2. Keep quiet.
3. Attack.

Goblin Booyahg: You spotted us. Good. S’like they say… no fun in skewerin’ a pig what doesn’t know he’s cooked.

1. There’ll be no skewering happening here. Now let me pass.
2. I don’t want any trouble.
3. Curious. I had almost the exact same thought when I saw you.

: “I’m just passing through. Leave me be.”

Goblin Booyahg: We got you surrounded. Here’s how this goes: you take one step further an’ we’ll fill your front with arrows. Or you turn around, an’ your backside gets the same treatment.

: If we had our mind control powers active, we could use them to bypass this. This, by the way, is why we wanted to ask the cultists near the owlbear cave about true souls - I believe you have to know what a true soul is in order to get the illithid check here.

: Instead, we can make an Intimidate or Persuasion check, with advantage, to get through. Now, what happens if your party doesn’t have a charisma character?

: Obviously, you’d take the back route, or..

: There’s another way into the goblin village which is guaranteed to work. All you need is access to Disguise Self and a bit of guesswork.

: What the hell is this crap?! She stole my segment!

: You already had two. Through deduction - or I guess through having played the game before - we can figure out something about the goblins.

: Remember this cutscene? We see these two right before the goblin army marches out. That woman is a drow, and doesn’t it look like she’s a commander?

: Our second clue is the dead drow in the druid grove, who Nettie told us was spotted leading a pack of goblins. We can deduce that the goblins are probably lead by the drow.

: Shadowheart has Disguise Self always prepared and can cast it for free. Let’s turn her into a drow and see what happens.

Goblin Booyahg: You spotted us. Good. S’like they say…

Goblin Booyahg: Wait - a drow? In the sun? Stand down! This one’s got a touch of the Absolute about her. Apologies, your lordship. Hard makin’ you out from a distance.

1. Don’t let it happen again.
2. I should pluck out your eyes. You’re clearly not using them.
3. It’ll take more than an apology. Your head will suffice.

: Drow are a matriarchal society, though in this case it’s likely the goblins would bow to even a male drow.

: And that’s it! We’re through without killing anyone or making any checks. See, Mara? You can win without killing everyone.

: I’m going to kick those little bastards so hard it’ll give a whole new definition to the term “fantasy football”.

: We’d have to get rid of them, unless we’re planning on disguising the tieflings as drow and passing them through one by one.

: The southern gate has a similar event, only the guard there will offer to let you in for 50 gold. He can be persuaded or you can drow your way through.

: We also get over 8 owlbears of experience (Astarion gets 9) for drowing our way into the village, because the game gives you the EXP you’d normally get for killing everything.

: In earlier patches, you could turn around and kill the goblins for more EXP, but I tested it and it seems like they fixed that as of Patch 7.

: If, however, you came in from the southern gate and want to kill them all for the EXP, you can set up on the rooftops directly behind the archers and kill them.

: Some of the goblins on the ground might join in, but they’re low level and you have a height advantage. The only problem might be that the goblins can get into the buildings and shoot you through the roof.

: If you do choose to kill them, just know there’s a bugbear sleeping out back (he’s near the back door) and you should probably kill him off before you take to the rooftops since the combat will wake him up.

: The bugbear is NOT counted in the EXP we got from bypassing the ambush, so you should probably kill him off anyway because he’s worth an owlbear of experience.

: Just don’t get the two confused. One weighs eight hundred pounds (on average) and is chaotic hungry, the other is a little angry goblin man.

: This key is going to be useful for a sidequest we’ll do next update.

: Let’s kill off that bugbear with a crit.

: If we keep heading straight from the bugbear, there’s a barn with some weird noises coming out of it. We are not ready to handle what’s inside without explosives.

: That is to say, we’ll be blowing it up next update.

: What we’re interested in is this campsite.

Narrator: A feast fit for an ogre. You notice a peculiar dagger protruding through the tough, leathery meat.

1. [SLEIGHT OF HAND] Carefully wiggle the dagger until it slides free.
2. [STRENGTH] Grasp the handle and pull the dagger with all your might.
3. [INVESTIGATION] Examine the meat. Perhaps there is some trick to removing the dagger.
4. Leave.

: Ah yes, the old “trick meat”. We do that all the time in Hell.. just kidding. The entire concept of “trick meat” is dumb.

: That dagger would be way too hot to touch.

: There’s a joke here somewhere about the meat being cooked so badly that you’d need a magic knife to cut it.

: One DC 15 sleight of hand check later, and we get a +1 dagger. It’s kinda pointless because it does roughly the same damage as a non-enchanted shortsword.

: If you fail the check..

: The knife breaks. I just like the sight of Astarion going “No! I could have stabbed someone with that!”

: There’s a bridge that comes out near the toll house. We could have taken this to get in. Maybe we should go investigate.

: Oh no you’re not. There’s a smug asshole somewhere around here. Don’t go near that bridge until I’m ready.

: Our final stop this update is here, on the road to the western gate. There are a bunch of goblins and a couple of wargs out here looking at something.

: "Look what we got here.. another little birdie wantin’ to fly!

: “Stop this thiiiiiing!”

: “Yehehueh! Flap those wings some more, an’ I’ll feed you a worm! An’ you - hope you got a stomach fer heights!”

1. What the hells are you doing?
2. I’m not looking for trouble - just want to pass by.
3. Attack the goblins.

: Even on Balanced, we don’t want to try taking all the goblins out without getting the drop on them. The leader (who we’re talking to) is packing a couple of explosives.

: “What the hells are you doing?”

: “What’s it bloody look like? We’re teaching this 'ere pipsqueak to fly!”

1. Let me rephrase that - why are you doing this?
2. I won’t interfere. I just want to pass by.
3. Release that gnome at once.
4. Attack the goblins.

: " 'Cause it makes me laugh! Heh!"

: I’m going to cut here, because we’re going to pick option 3 and then there’s a DC 15 persuasion check that Pollux passes without even trying.

: The reason I’m going to do that is so I can show off what happens if you’re a drow.

: “W-what do you want, er, I mean.. what do you need?”

1. An explanation - tell me what you’re doing with that deep gnome, at once.
2. Leave, immediately. This prisoner is mine now.
3. Did I tell you to stop? Turn around and continue as you were.
4. Attack the goblins.

: “Leave, immediately. This prisoner is mine now. I will not tell you again.”

: We get the opportunity to mind control him, which we can do since Shadowheart hasn’t used her cooldown yet. However..

1. Cease your babbling - what did you mean?
2. [PERFORMANCE] I don’t answer to the likes of you.
3. [DECEPTION] Naturally - do I look cursed to you?
4. [INTIMIDATION] Say nothing. Stare down the gibbering coward.
5. [ILLITHID] [WISDOM] I am a True Soul. Your prisoner is now mine.
6. Attack.

: All of these options are a DC 5 instead of a DC 15, and we can use the illithid check because we already know what a true soul is.

: “…”

: “We’ll, eh… we’ll be on our way, madam. Do as you like with the pipsqueak.”

Narrator: The goblins slink backwards, afraid to take their eyes off you.

: “C’mon, you lot, hop it before she changes her mind!”

: Just like before, this gets us 9.5 owlbears of experience as if we had killed all the goblins. The only thing you miss out on is a mediocre magic greataxe the leader has.

: Now it’s time for extermination.

: If Fezzerk is capable of reacting, he’ll surrender at 50% HP or so - but this still won’t get you his axe. To do that, we need to make it so he can’t react.

: First, set up everyone on this rooftop and get in stealth. We need everyone to be out of conversation range.

: Next, we fire an acid arrow at him from stealth. This makes Fezzerk surprised, and surprised people can’t react.

: Acid is the best option because it hits him each turn he’s standing in it. You could also throw that bomb we found earlier, but why waste explosives?

: If he reaches his surrender threshold, Fezzerk will still try to surrender even though he’s surprised. The game doesn’t know what to do because no one is in conversation range, and so his AI shuts off.

: This also shuts off all his buddies.

: Make sure he’s dead, and then you can freely kill the rest of the goblins.. or just loot them. You get the full experience for the group when Fezzerk surrenders, so they’re not worth anything.

: It’s funny to me how you’ll go to any length to bug out the AI instead of taking the easy route.

: Killing them all after they’ve surrendered does seem unnecessary.

: Back on the route where we used Shadowheart to talk our way out, we need to go into the mill to turn it off. Before we can, though..

Narrator: Shadowheart’s attention is fixated on a damaged old statue.

: This scene is kind of a remnant from the beta plot - in the beta plot, Shadowheart was originally from this village.

: “We.. we should keep moving.”

1. Another episode? Why does this keep happening to you?
2. This pain of yours - I hope it won’t become a hindrance for us.
3. What just happened?
4. Leave.

: “What just happened?”

: “You already know as much as I do. Best ignore it, as long as it doesn’t hamper us too much.”

: To finish the quest, we need to press one of these levers down. One of them is labeled “BRAKE”, and the other “RELEASE BRAKE”.

: The one on the right kills the gnome, which would be amusing if it didn’t lock us out of some.. fun stuff… later.

: Wait, you’re choosing NOT to kill something? What’s gotten into you?

: Deep gnomes are known for their potent explosives, is what he’s saying.

: There are two versions of this scene, one that plays if you’re a drow (or Barcus thinks you are) and one that plays if you’re anything else.

: They’re materially nearly the same, so I won’t bother showing off both.

: “Urrrgh.. magga cammara - those pustulent thugs! Well - get on with it.”

1. Get on with what?
2. You seem a little confused.
3. I freed you. A little compensation would be nice.

: “Get on with what?”

: “I’m a deep gnome, you’re a drow. You helped me, now you plan to enslave me.”

: The fact that she doesn’t know this would be a dead giveaway that she isn’t a drow. It would be like a monster girl not knowing who Black Alice was.

1. That’s not what I want.
2. [SELDARINE] You’ve only met Lolth’s drow, it seems.

: Lolth is a giant spider who the drow worship as a goddess. Well, these drow do. The ones from Hellgondo Continent are mostly just horny. Very, very horny.

: If you aren’t a drow, Barcus instead accuses you of trying to rob him. That’s the only difference.

: “That’s not what I want.”

: “What, then? Torture? Bloodsport? Or perhaps just a good old-fashioned walloping?”

1. I’d rather know how you got caught.
2. You owe me nothing.
3. I freed you. A little compensation would be nice.

: “I’d rather know how you got caught.”

: “My own fault, really. I should have dropped my pack and outrun those bastards. Alas. Take my pack if you can find it. The only reason those goblins caught me was its weight. I’ll travel lightly from now on.”

: “I’m in search of a friend. I fear he’s in trouble. See this? I gave it to him years ago before I left home. I found it around the neck of a thug in the Lower City. It was speckled with blood, my friend nowhere to be found.”

: [BOYFRIEND CHECK: SUCCESS] (He’s looking for his boyfriend. They’re not married.)

: “But I still have hope. I have reason to believe he’s in the Underdark. Hopefully I’ll pick up his trail from there. I always help my friends.”

: “On that note, I bid thee farewell. If we should meet again.. well, we will have met again.”

: Barcus’s stuff is in the mill’s basement.

: These boots? These boots are the reason we’re going to have Astarion dip a level into fighter. Let me explain how they work.

: Every time you dash (and keep in mind Astarion can dash twice a turn and still attack) you get three lighting charges. Having one charge gives you a +1 to attack rolls and makes you do an additional point of lightning damage.

: At five charges, which Astarion can have every turn, you get the +1 to attack in addition to +1d8 damage on your next attack. This consumes all the charges.

: The only problem? They’re medium armor, which Astarion isn’t proficient in. We’re going to have his fourth level be in fighter for this exact reason.

: We also find some explosives, which we are going to need in order to pull off a fight later.

: Next time, we’ll do all the sidequests in the abandoned village. Oh, and a side thing where we talk to the animals in the druid grove.

: Don’t forget to leave a like, and follow me on Bluesky!

…What the hell was that?

Narrator: You feel the quake of its heavy footsteps before you see it: an owlbear, its beaked face looking out of the darkness.

: If you run into the owlbear not intending to fight, the game gives you an opportunity to back out through several diferent checks.

: “Roar! I am a bear!”

: I just wanted to show off Pollux doing his bear impersonation.