Down, Down, Down By the River: Let's Play Baldur's Gate 3

[Timrod]

Summary

: I use the companion mod and make my character, Lyselle. She’s going to be a sorcerer, but I have her as a monk for now. I mainly plan on using her for boss fights on tactician.

: With her in the party (I sent Gale back to camp), we can open this side door in the room where we fought the skeletons.

: This book is what we’re here for. There’s another soul coin in the sarcophagus next to the chest.

: Ah, so this is where the cultists hid their porn stash.

Narrator: This book is far lighter than it should be with such a massive lock.

1. [ARCANA] Search for an arcane rune to sabotage.
2. [STRENGTH] Smash the lock open.

: There’s a bunch of different ways to get this book open. Even if we were to fail on Pollux (and I’ll let you know in advance that Pollux does not fail a single skill check this update), we could try it again on a different character.

: “That was surprisingly easy.”

Narrator: As the lock opens, a loose page comes with it. Magic pulses from the parchment. What was once script is now an obliterated scrawl. You have a sense these are names, a list, but of what?

Narrator: Gods. These are the names of gods, once lost, but now restored after the Second Sundering.

: The game then rolls an automatic Investigation check, which Pollux also passes.

Narrator: The last three names in this book sit close together, but are so devastated by the scrawl as to be unreadable. Entire pantheons have dwindled and been reborn, silently recorded by this book.

: We also get a scroll of Ray of Enfeeblement, which we can give to Gale.

: “Ah, so that’s how we get out without alerting all those people upstairs.”

: And now, we can go through the front entrance.

: Not even gonna ask her out first?

: On the way, Lyselle spots a couple of suspicious dirt mounds. We need a shovel to deal with these and can’t get one quite yet.

: It’s at this point I quickly head back down to grab some items out of the sarcophagus Withers was in. There’s another soul coin in here, plus two special arrows: Fiend Slaying (double damage to fiends) and Roaring Thunder (which knocks enemies back if they fail a save).

: The front gate has a gnome and an elf arguing in front of it. There is a way we could kill at least one of them instantly, but there’s no need.

: “…You’re both twice as tall as me, but have half the bloody backbone!”

: “But we don’t know what that thing even is! And what about the crypt?”

: “I’m telling you - it’s a ship. And the crypt can wait! Mari and Barton have been trying to break in for days. Now we - Stop!”

: “Got ourselves competition already! That’s our ship!”

1. I mean no harm - I’m just looking around.
2. [PERSUASION] That ship is full of monsters. I wouldn’t go near it.
3. [DECEPTION] I think that ship’s an invasion force. Run while you can!
4. [INTIMIDATION] The only thing you own is your life. Leave before I take that, too.
5. Attack

: If you don’t have a charisma character, this part is probably going to be a fight. In my first run, Astarion was the only person who had a positive charisma score.

: “That ship is full of monsters. I wouldn’t go near it. Seriously, they shoot brain fluid at you and it HURTS.”

: “Well, uh, in that case… C’mon, you lot, no point in gettin’ killed. Second worm gets the cheese, an’ all…”

: “Uh, second mouse gets the cheese, no?”

: “Nobody’s getting any damn cheese! Now move it!”

: “There’s something underneath here…”

: An alternative strategy is to have someone sneak up and shoot the rope, which will drop the stone block on the two idiots and instantly kill them.

: This also opens up an alternate route into the crypt, but we don’t want to take that.

Muffled Voice: That you, Gimblebock? Everything all right out there?

1. Let me in, now.
2. Gimblebock ran. Your friends abandoned you.
3. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] Yes, it’s me. Lemme in!
4. [DECEPTION] Gimblebock triggered a trap. He needs help - now!
5. Leave.

: “Gimblebock triggered a trap. He needs help - now!”

Muffled Voice: I told him it wasn’t safe out there. Get inside, and I’ll rustle up some bandages..

: This gets us an inspiration point for Astarion, and also opens the easiest possible route inside the crypt.

: If you go in this way, there’s one scout out front, and your party starts directly on top of them.

: If I had gotten Lae’zel back, there’s a decent chance she could have killed this guy in a single hit. As it is, the party misses enough that they wind up only barely killing him before he can alert his friends.

: There is a ton of food in this room, which is the main reason I wanted to get in here. We can pretty much leave the rest, but I’ll show the strategy for it anyway.

: This door leads to the lower level of the crypt, and the rest of the enemies on this map are in there. It’s a little hard to make out, but there’s a lever to the left of the door that opens and closes it.

: The enemies are placed differently depending on how you first enter this area. This is the easiest placement - coming upstairs from the basement is probably the second easiest.

: If we come in from the front door, all the enemies are in this hallway. Two of them are standing directly next to an explosive barrel.

: If we were to come through from the crypt, there would be a single scout patrolling this hallway and the rest of the enemies would be in that room way in the back with the door closed.

: Now THAT’s how you use an explosive barrel. I love the smell of vaporized elf in the morning.

: Our party is split up and stealthed on either side of the door. You want to make sure you have someone close enough to reach the lever, especially on tactician.

: Their ranger attempts to ensnare Shadowheart, but misses.

: Pfft. Moron got his head bashed in.

: Because the enemies can’t see anyone but Shadowheart, their barbarian rushes in only to die to a critical from Lyselle. On tactician, I would have had Astarion flip the lever after the barbarian walked through.

: The other two rush in one by one and die immediately. This entire fight went by without anyone in our party taking damage.

: I only pulled this off because it took me an unreasonable amount of time to clear this on tactician when I played this the first time.

: This side room is where you’d wind up if you drop the brick on the hole in the floor outside. It’s otherwise pretty barren.

: This room is where all the enemies would have been if we had come in through one of the other routes. If you really wanted to avoid them, you could take out the hallway scout and then use the explosive barrel to blast the door to the lower level open.

: This lever in the back opens the door to the lower level. We’ve now seen everything here, so let’s move on.

: A little bit further up the path, you can see two tieflings standing around a cage.

: A cage that happens to have Lae’zel in it. We could simply sneak attack the tieflings and kill them, but there’s a relatively hard to get achievement for saving all of the tieflings we find.

: “Zorru was right. Yellow as a toad, and twice as ugly.”

: “The thing’s dangerous. Leave it for the goblins to kill.”

: “And if it escapes? How will you - Oh! A guest.”

Narrator: Your skull pounds in response to the prisoner’s white-hot state. Her lips don’t move, yet you hear her voice.

: “Get rid of them.”

1. Rather demanding for a woman in your position. Why should I?
2. Don’t worry - I’ll get them out of here, one way or another.
3. [DECEPTION] This creature is dangerous. Get out of here - leave it to me!
4. [PERSUASION] Shoot the trap down. We must kill it before it harms someone.
5. [BARD] [DECEPTION] Oh, gods! You’ve caught a scout; the gith invasion force is right behind me - save yourselves!
6. Attack.
7. Leave.

: “Oh, gods! You’ve caught a scout; the gith invasion force is right behind me - save yourselves!”

: “Hells, this isn’t worth it. I’m out of here.”

: “Enough gawking - get me down.”

: “Now that they’re out of earshot, sure.”

: You’d think she would just kick the floor in herself.

: “The tadpole hasn’t yet scrambled all your senses. Auspicious. But the longer we wait, the more it consumes. My people possess the cure for this infection. I must find a creche, you will join me.”

: “Careful - she obviously sees your kindness as weakness. Don’t let her take advantage.”

: “What exactly is a creche?”

: "It is many things. A hatchery, a training grounds, a shelter. Githyanki protocol is clear: when infected with a ghaik tadpole, we must report to a ghustil for purification.

: “All right. We journey together. Let’s find this creche.”

: “You have made an ally from Creche K’liir - few know such fortune. Call me Lae’zel.”

: This loses us approval with Shadowheart, but that’s not a big deal.

: “I’ll trust your judgement - but I won’t trust her. Not until I’ve gotten the measure of her.”

: “You’ve a sharp tongue, elf. Would that your mind proved its equal.”

: “Half-Elf. I suppose the finer details are lost on a creature like you.”

: “Come. The horned ones mentioned a camp. One there - this Zorru - has seen githyanki. A creche must be near. We will ask this Zorru where he has seen my kin.”

: This scene is one you wouldn’t typically see on a tactician or honor mode playthrough. Why?

: We already know the fight on the beach against the intellect devourers is a pain in the ass - which is why most people on harder difficulties are going to use a devilish little workaround.

: That workaround is throwing Lae’zel off the nautiloid at the start of the game, right after you get control of her.

: Instead of splattering on somebody’s roof in Hell, her dead body winds up on the beach next to you when you wake up and can be revived from there.

: Doing that also skips this scene, and the potential fight that ensues if you fail the persuasion roll.

: It’s also just kinda funny to have Lae’zel threaten you and then immediately throw herself to her death.

: Lae’zel reaches level 2, which gives her the ability to make an extra attack once per short rest. At high levels, this means she can potentially make four attacks in a round.

: A little further ahead, Pollux will mention hearing shouting up ahead. When I played this game (which I think was Patch 3 or Patch 4) you could potentially softlock the game if you went into stealth here.

: I decided to test it.

: Three people, all shouting for someone to open the gate.

: “Open the bloody gate! That pack of goblins will be on us any second!”

: “What’s going on?”

: “Goblins are on our tail. Open the gate, Zevlor. Now.”

: I don’t see what’s so threatening about them. They’re horny little bastards you can punt like a football.

: “You let goblins here? Where is the druid?”

: “Please! There’s no time!”

: I have no idea why he felt the need to pluck that arrow out of the shield.

: “By the Nine Hells. Open the gate!”

: And this, kids, is why we don’t leave the gate mechanism exposed.

: “Kanon.. no!”

: “Shit! Form a line!”

: It works for Final Fantasy characters.

: “Damnable roach. Provoke the blade…”

: “…and suffer its sting.”

: This is Wyll. Let’s just do his introduction now, because I’m never using him.

Wyll

Known as ‘The Blade of Frontiers’, Wyll uses his magic to fell the monsters and devils menacing the Sword Coast. In a moment of desperation, he accepted an offer of greater power, forcing him into an infernal game he is struggling to play.

: Wyll suffers from the writers not really knowing what they wanted him to be until the last minute. He was nearly completely re-written right before release, and you can do his entire character plotline without him ever being in the party and not miss much.

: He also suffers from being a warlock, which is a class that exists to take a one-level dip in. If you’re going to use him, you’re going to want to respec him to something else ASAP.

: “Seven years ago, I was exiled from Baldur’s Gate, the city I call home. The people of the Sword Coast call me the Blade of Frontiers - champion of the meek, defender of the innocent.”

: So what you’re saying is you’re a LARPer.

: “The truth isn’t quite so simple, but they’re right about one thing. I hunt monsters, and I always catch my prey. My latest target is a devil, and I’m right on her tail. Once I’m through with her, she’ll never escape the fires of the first hell.”

: And with that, we’ve met all but one of the characters with a starting introduction.

: “Are they fighting over there? I hear fighting.”

: Let’s just hope she dies before we get there.

: This is a pretty scripted fight. Wyll and the mercenaries are going to take most of the heat here. Fortunately, three out of our four party members are half a mile away and stealthed.

: Astarion sneaks up from the left and sneak attacks one of the goblins to death.

: Lae’zel goes last and hits a goblin for 17 damage - nearly twice its maximum HP. This is the best I’ve seen this fight go: usually, at least one of the mercenaries is dead by now.

: The biggest threats are the worg (the fucked-up looking dog thing) and this orange asshole. The orange asshole has a weapon that hits for 2 damage even if he misses. Other than that, it’s extremely easy and no one even comes close to dying.

: "That was the last of them. Inside - all of you! More may follow. Open the gate!’

: Lae’zel hits level 3.

: At this point, we get a choice of sub-classes for her.

: First up is Champion. Champion’s big draw is that you crit on a 19 or 20 instead of just a 20. It’s garbage when you consider that in 3.5E, fighters specced for it could threaten crits on a 13.

: The main difference is that in 3.5E, you had to “confirm” criticals by rolling your attack a second time, and only got the critical if that second attack hit. This doesn’t exist in 5E.

: There are certain items you can use to lower your crit range down to like 17-20, but why?

: Second is Eldritch Knight, which is a dumbass “spellsword” class. Some people swear by it, and there is exactly one item in the game (which we could get now) that makes it viable.

: Third is Battle Master. Battle Master is a resource subclass that gives you “superiority dice” which you can spend to do certain combat maneuvers.

: Feinting Attack is one of those: you can do what used to be called a “full-round attack” to attack with advantage and do an additional 1d8 damage. With Lae’zel’s sword, this will reduce most enemies to a bloody mist.

: Feinting Attack is effectively a better version of a 3.5E feat called Power Attack, which let you intentionally take a penalty to your attack roll to do more damage.

: Disarming Attack lets you do an additional d8 of damage AND makes an attempt to disarm the enemy. This used to be a regular action in 3.5E (minus the extra damage).

: Finally, I take Sweeping Attack. Sweeping Attack is the 5E version of a 3.5E feat called Whirlwind Attack, which let you give up your extra attacks to hit all enemies in reach.

: Whirlwind Attack was part of a hilarious exploit in 3E (it was fixed in 3.5E) known as the “Bag of Rats” fighter. The idea is you took Whirlwind Attack and a second feat called Greater Cleave - Greater Cleave let you roll a second attack any time you killed something.

: What you’d do is carry around a bag of rats, do a whirlwind attack (which hits all the rats in the bag, kills them, and procs greater cleave for each one) and then use the dozens of rats you killed to get a ridiculous number of AOE attacks in.

: Granted, you had to be fairly high level to pull that off and most DMs wouldn’t let you do it, but it worked by rules as written.

: This is not the only exploit involving dead rodents I will be talking about this update.

: "There are children here, you fool!’

: “We was running for our lives.”

: “You led them straight to us. And you let them take the druid, too. Unbelievable!”

1. Where there’s one goblin, there’s ten. I’m leaving before the horde shows up.
2. One fight just ended, and now you’re picking another? Relax.
3. Druid? Those goblins didn’t take any prisoners.
4. You can cough up my payment any time now.
5. [BARD] What’s unbelievable is how we beat the goblins! You’re both heroes!

: “What’s unbelievable is how we beat the goblins! You’re both heroes!”

: “And who the hell are you again?!”

: “Show some respect! This man saved your pathetic life.”

: “Well, I didn’t ask for any goddamn help.”

: “Please. You were begging me to open the gate. Anything to save yourself, you coward.”

Narrator: The human’s eye twitches. He’s about to blow.

1. [ATTACK] Take a swing at the tiefling.
2. [ATTACK] Aim a blow at the human.
3. [INTIMIDATION] If you want me to take both of you down, I will. Otherwise, knock it off.
4. [PERSUASION] More violence won’t bring back those you lost. Stop and think.
5. Stand back and watch.

: “More violence won’t bring back those you lost. Stop and think.”

: “You’re right. There’s too much at stake.”

: “Worried about your precious hides, the both of you.”

: “Enough. Squabbling is pointless. The goblins have found us.”

: “At least we agree on that.”

: Aradin’s group fucks off, and now we can talk to Zevlor for an idea of just what the hell we’re doing here.

: “Forgive that display. Aradin’s a blowhard, but that’s no cause for me to join him. Thank you for your help out there. I’m Zevlor.”

: “I’m Pollux.”

: “Well met. I should warn you - visitors are no longer welcome in this grove. Whatever your business, I’d see to it quickly. The druids are forcing everyone out. This attack will only strengthen their resolve.”

1. I have no quarrel with druids.
2. Why are they forcing you out?
3. Those goblins - have there been many attacks like that?
4. I won’t be staying long - I just need to find a healer.

: “Why are they forcing you out?”

: “There have been several attacks by different monsters. The druids blame us ‘outsiders’ for drawing them here. Nobody’s welcome anymore.”

: “They’ve started a ritual to cut the grove off from the world outside. We can’t stay, but we’ll be slaughtered if we leave - we’re no fighters.”

1. This ritual - is there no way to convince the druids to stop it?
2. I need a healer.
3. What brought you here?

: “We’re refugees from Elturel - we took shelter here after gnolls attacked us on the road. We were bound for Baldur’s Gate, and it was too late to turn back. Elturel had no place for tieflings after the Descent.”

: I’m going to stop here, just briefly. There’s a history check (done automatically) but I’m going to skip it because it doesn’t really explain anything.

: “The Descent” is from a tie-in adventure path for 5E (2014 edition) that WoTC released about a year before BG3 went into beta.

: The plot is a pretty shameless ripoff of the Fallen London setting. The idea is that an entire city gets teleported to Avernus as the result of a deal with a devil, and your job is to bring it back.

: The good news is that none of the characters (at least, from a casual browsing of the character list on a wiki) show up in this game apart from one that we haven’t met yet.

: I have procured a copy of the book, so I can go into a little more detail when we get to those parts.

: “I need a healer.”

: “Goblin got you? The druid Halsin’s a renowned healer, but he didn’t make it back from Aradin’s expedition.”

: Must’ve gotten fromagged or whatever.

: “If it’s not too serious, you could try his apprentice, Nettie. She’s with the other druids, in the inner grove. They’ve withdrawn there to prepare this damn ritual of theirs.”

: “This ritual - is there no way to convince the druids to stop it?”

: “I’ve tried. Kagha - their new First Druid - won’t even see me. You, though.. I know it’s not your business, but she owes you for saving this place. Perhaps you could persuade her. For more time to prepare, if nothing else.”

1. I’ll see what I can do.
2. I’m sorry. I’ve got my own problems.
3. What are you offering for my aid?

: “I’ll see what I can do.”

: “Really? We’re messengers now?”

: Astarion disapproves of pretty much anything that doesn’t benefit him in some way. Same for Lae’zel. It wouldn’t be off to say that most of the party members (apart from Gale and Wyll) would probably be Evil aligned in the tabletop game.

: They sold 5E character sheets for the origin characters as a pre-order bonus so I could check, but I’m not paying WoTC a dime.

: “We’d owe you a great debt. If we’re forced to leave now, we won’t make it to the city. You’ll find the druids at the heart of the grove. Please - make them see sense, before more lives are lost.”

: We now have the run of the druid grove, but first..

: If you’re going for the achievement for keeping all the tieflings alive (not that I see why you would), there’s something you should do as soon as you get control back.

: Off to the side is a hill, and on top of that hill…

: Is the world’s first e-girl from that cutscene earlier. More importantly though, there’s a bugbear crouched behind her who is about to rearrange her insides.

: Now, the funny thing to do would be to shoot her in the head in front of the bugbear. Show that little goblin bitch who’s boss.

: Or we can sneak Lae’zel up there and have her hit it. This gives the party a free surprise round, at which point it is virtually impossible not to save the tiefling.

: You could also choose to just never come up here. That also counts as saving her, probably because the bugbear gets bored and fucks off. The problem is that the radius at which the bugbear will activate is pretty big and you want to avoid accidentally tripping it.

: “You have good timing. Never been much of a fighter, so wrestling a bugbear would have gone poorly. But you’re not here for heroics, are you? Avernus’ stench is all over your skin.”

: (Knew I should’ve jumped in the water at the beach.)

: “Let me guess, your devil mistress sent you to get her soul coin back. Too bad. I earned it fair and square.”

1. Coin? Mistress? You lost me.
2. I’ve been to Avernus, but I’m no devil’s servant.
3. That bugbear would’ve crushed your skull. This is the thanks I get?
4. [DECEPTION] You got me. Hand over the coin and I’ll be on my way.

: “I’ve been to Avernus, but I’m no devil’s servant.”

: “Care to explain why you reek of the hells?”

1. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
2. [PERSUASION] A mind flayer abducted me, and its ship went straight to Avernus.
3. [INTIMIDATION] No, I don’t. But that coin of yours is mine.

: “A mind flayer abducted me, and its ship went straight to Avernus.”

: “Well, that’s quite a story. And I thought I was doomed. Now I feel sorry for you. Here, take this. It’s worth a fortune. But a fortune’s not worth much if you’re dead. Consider it payment for saving my life.”

Narrator: A soul coin, true to its name, holds a mortal soul inside. It serves in the Nine Hells as very valuable currency.

: (I’ve got four of these things now. I just hope I never have the opportunity to use them as currency.)

: The bugbear has a couple bottles of poison on it, which can be applied to weapons to do extra damage (that a save negates). The save DC is really low and they’re probably better off sold.

: We can look through Nadira’s telescope to spot a dragon that looks suspiciously like the ones that attacked the nautiloid. With that done, let’s go around stealing from the merchants here.

: This dwarf here is the first merchant, and is the easiest to steal from. Unfortunately, as you can see, there’s red all around him. That’s no good - we can’t steal from him unless we can stealth in and stealth out.

: The good news is, the sight lines are coming from that group of tieflings down there, and we can easily get them to move. We have to do this anyway if we want to save them all.

Lia: Hells, we can’t just leave. They’re kin.

Rolan: I’ll not gamble our lives, our futures, on people who are as good as dead. We must leave for Baldur’s Gate - at once.

Cal: Can we all just take a moment? Please?

Lia: What’s the point in blades and spells if we don’t bloody use them? We should stay. These people aren’t fighters. We can help.

Cal: Or yell louder. That’s fine too.

: I’m going to cut incidental NPC dialog down to just a quote box to keep the updates from getting too long.

1. Say nothing.
2. Get out while you can - the goblins will be back.
3. [PERSUASION] You should all stay. A single blade could make a difference.
4. Leave.

: I’ll spoil what happens if we do nothing or tell them to leave - they all die. We don’t want that, so let’s persuade.

: “You should all stay. A single blade could make the difference.”

Lia: Thank you! It’s the right thing to do, and you know it.

Cal: She’s right, Rolan. We’re better than this.

Rolan: Zurgan. Fine, I’ll stay too. Lest you both end up with your throats slit by a goblin blade.

: Now that we’ve got them out of the way, we can start stealing. The trick is that you need to be able to approach your target in stealth and leave in stealth.

: The reason for this is that stealth in this game is very fucky, even in Patch 8 with all hotfixes applied. Stealing is doubly fucky.

: If your stealth gets broken for some reason during pickpocketing, even if you have not failed any checks, the person you’re pickpocketing will psychically know it’s you. Any time you come close to them after that, they’ll be on guard and refuse to turn their backs.

: Each item has a difficulty check based on how much it weighs - this is one good reason to keep a caster in your party, because their gear is usually the easiest to steal.

: You also want to make sure your party is nowhere near the target, because as soon as you stop stealing from them, they go on alert and try to hunt down the thief. This includes your party members who didn’t actively participate.

: Astarion steals himself a new set of light armor, a bow, and some enchanted gloves that reduce incoming missile damage. This used to be a feat monks could take in 3.5E.

: We also level him up. Thief is hands down the best rogue subclass - it gives you an extra bonus action (meaning one more hand crossbow shot per turn) and reduces fall damage.

: Assassin is a gimmick subclass based around stacking initiative bonuses, because it gives you auto-crits against any target that is surprised or that hasn’t taken a turn yet. It sucks because most enemies (and all bosses) are immune to being surprised after the start of the game.

: And, of course, Arcane Trickster is the designated “spell hybrid” subclass. It sucks.

: Shadowheart gets access to 2nd-level spells. We’ll talk about these as I use them.

: And finally, Pollux gets his sub-class choice. College of Swords is the best one - it makes him a martial character in addition to being a full spellcaster. Contrary to the name, a College of Swords bard is best used with dual hand crossbows.

: College of Lore is a pure skill monkey build. It gets a debuff that you can use bardic performance points on and a couple of extra spells, in addition to proficiency in three more skills.

: College of Valor is halfway between Swords and Lore - you get medium armor proficiency and you can use your bardic inspiration to boost attack rolls.

: I wind up making him College of Swords, but give him a one-weapon spec rather than a dual-wield spec. The reason is so that he’s not competing with Astarion for gear.

: This has the side benefit of letting him equip a shield for extra armor class, which will help in the event that something decides to engage him in melee.

: Pollux also gets some melee skills he can spend his performance points on, which allow him to do things like increase his AC or attack more than one enemy.

: Now let me show you the correct way to steal from merchants, assuming you’re on Patch 7.

: The druid grove has three traders, only one of which is easy to rob. On Honor Mode, you probably don’t want to try that since it can lead to the entire grove turning on you if you fail a check.

: Up until Patch 8, there was a fun little workaround that most Honor Mode runs used to get around this. The workaround involves a corpse and two containers.

: First, we level up Lyselle. We’ll make her a Way of the Open Hand monk because that sounds like a technique for jacking off and it’s also the best monk build.

: Next, we have Lyselle kill this asshole squirrel. Fuck this squirrel. It deserved it. If you’re one of those “I can’t kill an innocent animal” people, you can use one of the intellect devourers from the beach instead.

: These two boxes here will work just fine for our containers. Anything is fine as long as the “loot” command isn’t red when you right-click on it.

: You might notice that we have five party members. That’s a bug from the custom companion mod, and I’ve been making sure to dismiss somebody whenever we’re making progress so we’re at the usual party size of 4.

: Now we find a trader, and we loot the squirrel before closing our inventory.

: Then we sell the trader one of our boxes, while holding a dead squirrel.

: We put everything the trader has into the box, and then switch to Barter mode up at the top. Then, we shift-click to drag all the items from the box into the dead squirrel.

: This duplicates everything into the squirrel’s inventory. All we have to do now is switch the top switch back to Trade and hit the X button in the top-right to close out.

: And there you have it. We’ve downloaded a car using only a dead squirrel.

: Someone just discovered, while I was writing this, a similar exploit in Patch 8. It’s probably going to get hotfixed at some point, but if you make a warlock with the “hexblade” subclass you can switch your bound weapon (which can’t be sold) for a crap one at a merchant and sell your bound weapon without actually selling it.

: The second merchant is a tiefling named Dammon. He’s where the squirrel trick comes in handy, because it is virtually impossible to steal from him without being forced out of stealth.

: We don’t want to piss him off (which will cause him to automatically notice us if we try to rob him again) because he shows up later in the game and is much easier to rob there, so I dump all the party’s crap on him and buy a couple items.

: Most of this stuff isn’t really worth it, but we’re carrying around a lot of useless crap so I might as well buy it.

Dammon: Learned a lot in my time in the Hells. I hope to forget most of it, but between you and me, there’s nothing in all the realms like the utter power of infernal machinery.

: Huh, he’s an infernal mechanic. That might be important.

: The third trader is Auntie Ethel, who seems to know a lot of things she shouldn’t - she’ll call out Astarion for being a vampire, for instance. She has nothing we really care about.. except a pretty good monk staff that Lyselle will probably use the secret rat method to obtain.

: I fucking hate Auntie Ethel. She is a bad fanfiction character who doesn’t really fit in the setting.

: The entrance to the inner grove has a bunch of tieflings standing in it demanding to be let through.

: “Let my daughter go - right now.”

Jeorna: She’s a thief, hellspawn. And you will wait for Kagha’s judgement. Now get back.

: Jeorna is the druid in the middle. I’m not going to bother making a portrait because she has all of three lines.

: Also because she’s not going to need a name once I’m done ripping her to shreds.

: “Argh Let me through, mragreshem, or I’ll rip your damned throat out!”

: The dumbass on the left turns into a bear, which is exactly what you want a druid to do. You know what bears can’t do? Cast spells. They also can’t use ranged weapons, and because they’re Large they take an armor class penalty.

: “We need to go get Arabella out. Now.”

: “You heard the guards - they’re waiting on Kagha to give word.”

: "I’d sooner trek through the Nine Hells than trust that snake. Argh.

1. I saw what happened. Why are the druids holding your daughter?
2. You need to be careful. That bear would have torn you to shreds.

: “I saw what happened. Why are the druids holding your daughter?”

: (Not that I particularly fancy the idea of fighting an entire grove of druids. We’d need way more explosives.)

: “Arabella tried to steal their idol. Druids lost their damn minds about it - they need it for their precious ritual.”

: “It’s all my fault. I told her I wished the wretched thing would just disappear - or better yet, explode.”

: “Now Arabella is being judged by a bunch of druids who hate us. That’s not right.”

: “Sounds like she made the fatal mistake of getting caught. We shouldn’t get involved.”

1. She’s just a child - the druids are overreacting. I’ll talk to them.
2. You’ve got your work cut out for you.
3. Like you said - it’s your fault. You should’ve tried parenting her.
4. Thieves deserve to be punished. It’s as simple as that.

: “She’s just a child. The druids are overreacting, I’ll talk to them.”

: “Thank you. They won’t give us the time of day.”

Jeorna: You - get back.

1. If it weren’t for me, you’d be overrun by goblins by now. I’ll go where I please.
2. What’s so special down here?
3. I’m not looking for trouble. Can’t you just let me by?
4. Ignore them and proceed.
5. Leave.

: “If it weren’t for me, you’d be overrun by goblins by now. I’ll go where I please.”

Jeorna: Keep back. Force my hand, and I’ll show you its claws.

: Try me.

Mino: A moment, Jeorna.

Jeorna: What…? Oh, I understand. You - apparently Kagha wants to see you. Go ahead.

: In case you’re wondering, I have recorded a route that starts right here in which we murder every single person in the druid grove, including all of the tieflings because the game kind of breaks down if you start trying to kill people out of nowhere.

: This is actually a completely valid way to end the quest, and has its own cutscene where a druid brutally fucking murders a tiefling.

: I’ll do a bonus update on it, but here’s me using some explosives to turn those assholes into meat paste. This is what I do in RPGs - I’m a pragmatist.

: Mmmm.. explosive-seared bear heart. Delicious.

: Back on the route where we don’t murder everyone, this bard calls over to us as we pass him. This is Volo, one of WoTC’s original characters. If you read the optional update, you’d know that one of the GM splatbooks for monsters in 5E is “Volo’s Guide to Everything” - he’s the narrator of that book.

: “Ah, my good friend! You were at the gates just now, no? When the goblins came? You saw them up close? A few questions, if you please. There’s no overstating my interest.”

1. Fine - ask your questions.
2. And there’s no overstating my disinterest. I’ve no time for questions.
3. Leave.

: “Fine - ask your questions.”

: “Glory! Now, then: How would you describe that particular batch of goblins? Size? Nature? Distinguishing qualities?”

: They’re like footballs that can talk.

Narrator: You search your mind, successfully recalling various details of goblin behavior.

1. [BARD] A classic raid gang, complete with lasher and smattering of booyahgs.
2. They were goblins, same as all the others: lowly and vile.
3. Give an exact description.
4. [BARD] Didn’t you see the tentacled ship? It was an illithid invasion force - the goblins were being controlled!

: “A classic raid gang, complete with lasher and smattering of booyaghs.”

: I’m sure these are all terms from the Monster Manual but I don’t feel like referencing it.

: “My! A scholar after my own heart. Spent much time among goblins?”

1. The time was spent among books. I’m a student of the page.
2. I’d rather not say. Are we done here?
3. I’m not unfamiliar with their kind, certainly.

: “The time was spent among books. I’m a student of the page.”

: (In that I had a page who brought me the books.)

: “Aha! I’ve always preferred experience to the second-hand accounts of lesser men. But to each their own. Now, I’ve a few more questions, if you don’t mind.”

: “And the… dragon they had marching in the rear. Was it of the brass or silver variety?”

1. Dragon…? There wasn’t any dragon.
2. Heh - it was brass. No doubt about it.
3. I think there’s been a misunderstanding. What do you want, exactly?
4. [BARD] Neither! It was a gold dragon, scales glittering and wings gleaming.
5. [BARD] Dragons? Really? How gauche.

: “Dragons? Really? How gauche.”

: “Witness.. declined.. to.. comment.. on.. nature.. of.. dragon…”

: “Last question, then you’ll be quite free. Did the attackers rally to ‘the Absolute’ when they fell upon the gates?”

1. Yes - they called out the name like a war cry.
2. I don’t think so. I was concentrating on not dying.
3. [BARD] Quite so. They sang the phrase like a battle-hymn.

: “Quite so. They sang the phrase like a battle hymn.”

: “They did, didn’t they? Oh-ho, curious. Curious indeed. I’ve interrogated one - a captive in this very camp. She reports they’ve abandoned their god Maglubiyet in favor of someone called ‘the Absolute’. The scandal!”

1. Goblin superstition - not worth the ink and parchment.
2. Hold your tongue.
3. [BARD] Dramatic. How has Maglubiyet responded?

: “Dramatic. How has Maglubiyet responded?”

: “Oh, I’d imagine him quite displeased. Since their change in allegiance, these goblins are informed by a kind of strategy anathema to their kind.”

: “I, for one, intend to get to the bottom of it. I’m just preparing to head to their camp as we speak. In fact.. if you’ll excuse me, I ought not to dawdle.”

: “Wait. About our conversation earlier - why the dragon?”

: “My friend, every story benefits from a dragon. Until we meet again!”

: This is the main area where the druids are performing the ritual. We’ll take a look around in the next update - for now, I want to head right to Kagha so we can progress the plot.

: This is the door to where she is - the inner sanctum.

: “Please.. I’m sorry!”

: “This is madness, Kagha. She’s just a…”

: “A what, Rath? A thief? A poison? A threat?”

: Kagha looks a little like a younger JK Rowling, so you know she’s evil.

: “I will imprison the devil. And I will cast out every stranger.”

: In an actual tabletop game, she would not have lasted this long. Someone would already have initiated combat.

1. Thief? Posion? What’s this girl’s actual crime?
2. Imprison her? She’s just a child.
3. Do nothing.
4. One of your guards outside said you wanted to see me. Here I am.

: “Girl? You mean parasite. She eats our food, drinks our water. Then steals our most holy idol in thanks! Rath - lock her up. She remains here until the rite is complete.”

: “And keep still, devil. Teela is restless.”

: “Come, Kagha. We took the idol back. Surely…”

: “Do it.”

1. [NATURE] Don’t druids cherish harmony? Jailing the girl disrupts nature’s balance.
2. [PERSUASION] Release her. I’ll see that she stays out of trouble.
3. [BARD] [PERSUASION] Silvanus was more concerned with ‘nobly sown seeds’ than punishing children, was He not?
4. Keep silent.
5. Prepare to attack.

: We need to make this check or Arabella dies.

: (It’s a good thing I went to those lectures on druidic dogma. Time to turn her own bullshit against her.)

: “Silvanus was more concerned with ‘nobly sown seeds’ than punishing children, was He not?”

: Silvanus is the god of the druids, and was at one point a mortal.

: “The words of the Treefather, spoken plain. It is as you say. Ssifisu - Teela, to me.”

: Lae’zel disapproves of us not letting her kill a child. By the way, the weird italic word is probably druidic - druids in D&D speak their own language that no one else can.

: It’s not so much the child killing I disapprove of as the fact that she’s such a smug fucking bitch about it. It’s too bad there’s no option to mind control her into lighting herself on fire.

: “Out, thief. My grace has its limits.”

: “Ngh.. it hurts…”

: This scene is very different if you are playing as Shadowheart because you learn exactly what’s causing the weird light.

: “Thank you, Kagha. Master Halsin would…”

: “Halsin isn’t here. Keep his name off your tongue, lest Teela pierce it.”

: I should mention that the reason Kagha has a snake (I mean, other than as a metaphor) is because she’s a caster druid. I forget if “fuck shit up” druids get companions in 5E or not.

: Snakes are the worst animal companion by the way, because unlike a bear or a big cat or something, they can’t wear armor.

: Shadowheart has a scene here, so we might as well talk to her.

: “I know that look - you’re wondering why I was in pain before. Let’s just clear the air about that now. It’s just an old wound that hurts me from time to time. Nothing to be concerned about.”

: (…Right. The kind of wound that glows.)

: We should probably shoot it with something and see if it explodes.

: “It’s nothing to do with the tadpoles at least, in case your imagination is in danger of getting away from you. It’s just.. something I have to live with.”

: “How badly does it hurt?”

: “Quite a lot, if I’m being honest. But it always passes quickly, so I can manage.”

: Next time, we’ll investigate the inner sanctum and expose Kagha for what she is.. after I do an optional update showing off the genocide route. EDIT: I’ve decided to save Descent to Avernus for a bit later in the game once we’ve met one more character.