Bonk
The caveman won, though only by a few votes.
Our story begins, like all good romantic comedies, with a human sacrifice.
“Hey, should we leave anyone to guard that girl?”
“Nah, she can’t get out. We tied her up!”
“I didn’t realize you were good with knots!”
“Haha what’s a knot.”
I have a question about our hair-flipping friend. This game came out in 1994; were pretty boy antagonists a thing in JRPGs at that time?
I know they’ve been around forever, (Hell, Lucifer is usually depicted as a pretty boy) but I like the idea that Squaresoft was mocking their tropes before they even really did them.
I’ve been calling this a romantic comedy, but it’s really just slapstick with a romance in it.
NATIVE LIFE
Finally, we see our hero!..Harassing a peaceful creature.
Thankfully, slapstick is the greatest arbiter of all.
I decided to go with Bonk. I thought it was the most appropriate.
Now, let’s take a look at these two in greater detail.
Nice Weather, Isn’t It?
Let’s talk about stats. The first two are based entirely on equipment
ATK affects how much damage weapon-based techniques will do to enemies.
DEF affects how much damage certain techniques will do to you.
The remainder are tied to levels, though they can still be affected by equipment.
Pw affects techniques that use strength.
Sp affects how quickly you can use techniques.
Vt affects health and physical defense. I think it’s also used to determine if negative status effects affect you.
IQ is Special from the original Pokémon; it affects how much damage you do and take from mental attacks.
Gori and Bonk have similar stat distributions, with Gori’s being higher. However, Bonk will eventually get a leg over Gori; both through his level ups and his ability to equip more items.
The nerve of some people, huh?
This is the room on the left. This room is important, but not because Bonk can get owned by this fire indefinitely.
This excited man is the key to a secret! When you talk to him, he summons a friend.
You can do this until you have twenty excited men. If you talk to one of them, they all run out except one. However, if you can talk to the last man who walked in…
You get one of every crafting item! The only useful walkthrough for this game recommends abusing this room, as does every LP I’ve seen. I want to take a different approach to this LP, so I’m only going to use this room twice. I’ll show what these items are for later.
I can’t believe that bad jokes existed before language did in this universe.
This is the main room of the cave. Each NPC has a different reaction.
That room on the top right is the cave’s granary.
Unfortunately, we’re not allowed to pilfer it. No 
for us.
On the bottom left, we find something more useful.
A crafting room! This is how we update our equipment in this chapter. Here’s a crafting chart that I found on GameFAQs.
- Beast Fang + Beast Horn = Nose Ornament (Accessory: +8 IQ)
- Beast Fang + Big Stick = Spiky Club (Weapon: 18 Attack)
- Beast Fang + Bone = Nose Ornament (Accessory: +8 IQ)
- Beast Fang + Hard Rock = Nose Ornament (Accessory: +8 IQ)
- Beast Fang + Hide = Thick Chest Hair (Body: 4 Defense, +4 Power)
- Beast Fang + Tough Hide = Ooh! Mask (Head: 10 Defense, +15 IQ, Sleep
Immunity, Mind Evade Up, Wind Skill Evade
Up)
- Beast Fang + Stone Knife = Shock Caltrops (One time use battle item)
- Beast Fang + Leather Cord = Fang Necklace (Accessory: +2 IQ)
- Beast Horn + Big Stick = Shiny Spear (Weapon: 14 Attack, +6 Speed)
- Beast Horn + Bone = Gigigaga Wakka (Boots/Accessory: +2 Speed,
+3 IQ, Blunt Evade Up)
- Beast Horn + Hard Rock = Gigigaga Wakka (Boots/Accessory: +2 Speed,
+3 IQ, Blunt Evade Up)
- Beast Horn + Hide = Beast Hood (Head: 4 Defense, +10 Speed)
- Beast Horn + Tough Hide = Ooh! Mask (Head: 10 Defense, +15 IQ, Sleep
Immunity, Mind Evade Up, Wind Skill Evade
Up)
- Beast Horn + Stone Knife = Clack Case (Body: 8 Defense, +6 Vitality,
+10 IQ)
- Beast Horn + Leather Cord = Clack Case (Body: 8 Defense, +6 Vitality,
+10 IQ)
- Big Stick + Bone = Shiny Spear (Weapon: 14 Attack, +6 Speed)
- Big Stick + Hard Rock = Thump Axe (Weapon: 10 Attack, +10 Power)
- Big Stick + Hide = Burning Club (Weapon: 8 Attack)
- Big Stick + Tough Hide = Bang Bang Drum (Glove: +12 IQ)
- Big Stick + Stone Knife = Smoulder Spear (Weapon: 25 Attack,
+10 Speed)
- Big Stick + Leather Cord = Swish Whip (Weapon: 10 Attack, +16 Speed)
- Bone + Hard Rock = Stone Knife (Ingredient, One time use
battle item)
- Bone + Hide = Beast Hood (Head: 4 Defense, +10 Speed)
- Bone + Tough Hide = Bang Bang Drum (Glove: +12 IQ)
- Bone + Stone Knife = Smoulder Spear (Weapon: 25 Attack,
+10 Speed)
- Bone + Leather Cord = Buzzing Bone (Weapon: 22 Attack)
- Hard Rock + Hide = Thick Chest Hair (Body: 4 Defense, +4 Power)
- Hard Rock + Tough Hide = Gatsun Glove (Glove: 5 Defense, +16 Power)
- Hard Rock + Stone Knife = Venus Figurine (Accessory: -10 Speed, Mind
Evade Up, Earth Skill Evade Up, Wind Skill
Evade Up, Water Skill Evade Up, Fire Skill
Evade Up) (Can also be used as a one time
use area heal item)
- Hard Rock + Leather Cord = Bola (One time use battle item)
- Hide + Tough Hide = Thick Chest Hair (Body: 4 Defense, +4 Power)
- Hide + Stone Knife = Leather Cord (Ingredient)
- Hide + Leather Cord = Wild Dress (Body: 48 Defense, +10 IQ)
- Tough Hide + Stone Knife = Wild Armor (Body: 24 Defense, -8 Speed,
+10 Vitality, Blunt Evade Up, Sharp Evade
Up)
- Tough Hide + Leather Cord = Wild Bag (Weapon: 40 Attack, +20 Power,
+8 IQ)
- Stone Knife + Leather Cord = Buzzing Knife (Weapon: 30 Attack)
With the items that I have, I made the following loadout.
Even with these second-rate items, Bonk is already catching up to Gori. Gori’s bare loadout is not a coincidence; the only items he can equip are Head, Feet, Body, and Accessory items. And even then, his choices for each category are smaller than Bonk’s. Now, Bonk’s ready to come of age!
Bonk is going to learn how to hunt! Which just makes me more suspicious of his earlier mammoth-attacking!
The hunting grounds are outside, but only through the door on the left.
After a quick demonstration, Bonk is allowed to prove himself. He can use his nose by pressing the Y button. After that, it’s just a matter of following the stench clouds.
Kiss of Jealousy
…I think Bonk got lucky for his first hunt.
This game’s battle system is one of the things I like the most about it. It incorporates just enough from Turn-Based games to make things interesting.
All of your attacks come from a list of techniques. While there is no “basic attack” per se, it’s pretty clear what Bonk’s main attack is.
Bash Bash has no defining features. It, along with Gori’s NGAAH! technique, serve as the closest this chapter gets to basic attacks.
Gori, however, gets a second technique! EE is a long-range scream. However, since it is IQ-based, Gori can’t really make the most of it.
Here’s a good example of the situations this battle system creates. Those red squares are the only places this creature can attack. If I had attack from the lower-left, Bonk wouldn’t have gotten hit.
This fight also lead to a level-up! Bonk learned Bang Bang, a kicking attack that pushes the opponent backwards in addition to dealing damage.
After the hunt is over, the elder gives Bonk a quick reminder on how to smell before departing. Our caveboy is now a caveman.
When he returns, he can see that the cave is empty. Everyone else has gone to bed.
Our heroes follow suit, and Bonk enjoys his first night of sleep as a man of his tribe. I’m going to leave him to it.
Unfortunately, fate decides otherwise. Gori is missing! We’ll have to find him…next time!
