OHPW - Business May Die [Fire Pro Wrestling World]

Going live now and starting in 15 minutes https://www.twitch.tv/iggy_igsen

Here’s the match card again:
#1 DivineCoffeeBinge © vs. Super Samio for the Jabroni Royale
#2 Seven Deadly Pins Interval Battle Royal feat. Fomore ©
#3 Kayu Zakisaka vs. Black
#4 Canada Alderman vs. Pantha © for the Darkweight Title
#5 Vacation Skeleton vs. Malfest Goat-Monster
#6 Anna May vs. Mr. Shakedown © for the Bunny Title :3
#7 Dash Rendar vs. oRa 66 © for the Legion Tag Titles
#9 Chief Engineer vs. HazMatt (Mascara contra Mascara)
#10 Flamander vs. Suzan Blades © for the Hellweight Title

Week 8: RAISE HELL! (Twitch VOD)


-bursts into laughter-

So Mina pizza maybe something fried in the auld glasgae traditition…oooh lets key dashs car!

Mina steps away from the burning wreckage of Dash’s space ship

Mina%20Headshot%202 “You say something Angus? Eh doesn’t matter, but that deep fried idea of yours sounds pretty good. Strange how I was just thinking the same thing”

Angus; best tag partner ever the feasts oan me hen

Our second PPV has concluded, so let’s continue with the wrestling in the usual place at the usual time.

Here’s our match card:
#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
Super Samio © vs. Weeb Weaver

#2 Tag Team Match
The Fun Gang vs. Fallout Boys

#3 Singles Match
Undeddie Guerrero vs. Kayu Zakisaka

#4 Four-Way
N-T Punk vs. Hobo One Kevodki vs. Harmony Gray vs. Grace Thoruson

#5 Bunny Championship :3
Kelsey Slaughter vs. Anna May ©

#6 Vacant Open Challenge
Uh oh… vs. Vacant

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Manic Misanthrope vs. Canada ‘Rosette’ Alderman ©

Bear_Princess has gone live on Periscope

Anna%20May%201 “Hey guys, it’s your favorite Panda Girl, Anna May back again after several weeks off. Sorry for the lack of updates guys, I’ve been getting used to my new job down here in hell. Wrestling is hard especially since I’ve had to balance wrestling with school. I gotta get all A’s or my Mom’s won’t let me go to Prom.”

Anna%20May%203 "Wrestling hasn’t been any easier either, in my first match I got to challenge for the Bunny Title but I was beaten by this pink Lady Rosette. Then a few weeks later I had to fight in this Fatal Five Way where I had to fight off four other people, including this creepy old space wizard and this guy with a massive chest. Bigger than any Anime’s I’ve ever seen.

Anna%20May%202 But my trusty claws helped me through and it got a me a second chance at the Bunny Title! This time was against this guy named Mr. Shakedown. I guess he’s called that because he kept demanding my money during the match but I preserved and won the title!

Anna May presents the Bunny title for the camera


Anna%20May%203 “But I gotta work hard to hang onto this, it has to be defended every week and I’ve got to prove I’m up to the challenge. My first opponent is someone named Princess Slaughter. I don’t know anything about her other than she really like barbed wire and blood, she sounds scary. But anyone who’s a Princess has to be fun to be around!”

Anna%20May%202 “Alright that’s it for now, I’ll see you all again after the match.” :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts::kissing_closed_eyes::kissing_closed_eyes::kissing_closed_eyes:

Bear_Princess has gone offline

The Camera turns on to reveal a well lit garbage yard in the middle of the night, Kelsey is standing center screen, practicing swinging her Barbed Wire Bat. A big jacked up dude and an oiled up dude are in the background

Robbie%20D Robbie D: “Yo cous, the camera’s on!”

Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: “SHUT UP ROBBIE, I KNOW IT’S ON!!!”

Kelsey%20Face Turning to the camera Kelsey: “Yo what’s up, Welcome to Joisey! It’s time youse all learned da name Kelsey Slaughter! Youse may already knowit from dat time I beat dat fucking Hobo…Hobo, and taught’em who the real ruler of da trash is.”

Paulie Paulie: “You tell’em sis!”

Kelsey%20Face Kelsey “Then of couyse I lost it to dat fucking demon in da waistcoat but dat’s alright, Battle Royalz isn’t my specialty, Garbage matches are. Which is why I requested dat Jabroni match with dat Coffee Freak DCB.”

Paulie Paulie: “Fucked her up!”

Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: “Yeah I did, fucked her up so bad dat da big man IGgy and dat Goat dude decided to give me a shot at dat Bunny Title.”

Robbie%20D Robbie D: “I thought youse said dat IGgy just used a randomiser and youse name is what came u-”

Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: “SHUT UP ROBBIE! Dat Randomizer knew what was good for it! Just like that Anna May better know what’s good for her if she thinks she has a chance against me. And if she doesn’t, Paulie show’em what she’s got coming to her.”

Paulie wheels over a crude looking dummy of Anna May, made of brooms and buckets

Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: “Yeah dat’s the stuff! By da way, this is my brother Paulie, he’s the one in charge of building da weapons.”

Paulie Paulie Flexes: “OOOOOO YEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”

Kelsey%20Face Kelsey jabs a thumb behind her: “And that’s my Cousin Robbie D, he sets up the camera and shit.”

Robbie%20D Robbie D: “…Uh yo, dey call me Robbie D, because I’m always robbing dose di-”

Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: “SHUT UP ROBBIE, I’M CUTTING A PROMO!!!” So anyway, Anna May, dere’s only room in this company for one Princess and it ain’t going to be you. So youse best ready yourself Anna May, because I’m going to show you why they call me the Trash Princess of New Joisey!!"

Paulie Paulie: “WOOOOO YEAH!!!”

Robbie%20D Robbie D: “I thought dey called youse Princess Slaughter?”


Kelsey swings the bat at the head of the Anna May dummy, decapitating it and sending it flying into the camera, knocking it over and killing the display. Through the static something can be barely heard

Robbie D: “I think youse broke the camera.”

Going live now and starting in 15 minutes https://www.twitch.tv/iggy_igsen

Here’s the match card again:
#1 Super Samio © vs. Weeb Weaver for the Jabroni Royale
#2 The Fun Gang vs. Fallout Boys
#3 Undeddie Guerrero vs. Kayu Zakisaka
#4 N-T Punk vs. Hobo One Kevodki vs. Harmony Gray vs. Grace Thoruson
#5 Kelsey Slaughter vs. Anna May © for the Bunny Title :3
#7 Manic Misanthrope vs. Rosette © for the Darkweight Title

Week 9: Traitor (Twitch VOD)

A Clip from Match 5: https://clips.twitch.tv/StylishNimbleBaguetteGingerPower

Another fun show in the bag! I also collected the clips we had from episodes 1 through 8 into one video you can watch here

I said it at the end of the last episode but some people might have already tuned out after the last match ended, but this week we won’t have a show due to me going to some kind of social get together regarding some “birth day” of someone I know. Because I like my friends I will go. But what I usually do when not able to run a show for whatever reason is to give some insights into the making of the show as well as some miscellaneous facts and numbers. So let’s talk a bit about what goes into booking a show.

Our roster has 50 active wrestlers right now (48 of which have debuted so far), with a few more in the pipeline (and submissions being still open). So if you don’t see your own creation or submission for multiple weeks, this is why. We try to give everyone air time even if it’s “just” in multi-person matches. This doesn’t mean your character is not interesting it just means the spotlight is on other people at the moment. As time goes on the plan is to cycle people in and out of that “spotlight”. To make sure we don’t forget to book people I have actually dedicated some space of my monstrous spreadsheet…

The spreadsheet keeps track of all kinds of shit I don’t even use and allows me to narrow down a timeframe. Only want to consider data from episodes 4-8? I can do that.

With our 50 active wrestlers, although, we’ve only seen 48 at this point, we already have more than in my last e-fed, LPFWA. It had a roster that was 48 people deep. Although these numbers are the same it’s actually a very different situation. First of all, we’ve just had episode 9 of OHPW and as of right now 48 people have debuted, that’s exactly the number of people we had in LPFWA. However, in LPFWA the latest debut (Grace Thoruson) was in episode 45… out of 52. So very close to the end. The last incarnation of LPFWA was run in WWE 2k18 which forced us to have separate men’s and women’s divisions (which interestingly, seems to have deterred people from submitting characters with non-binary gender identities, as we have a few of those now but didn’t really before). Separating divisions like this pretty much caused us to have one 30 man roster and one 18 woman roster with tag teams crammed in there too.

We have a lot more freedom now which is both a blessing and a curse. While we can do what we want in terms of pairing people up for matches it’s also harder to find the same amount of focus that was there in LPFWA where people trickled in over time and there were two separate divisions.

I realize you might have been wondering who “we” is. Deathmaster780 and YerPalhal are helping me out when it comes to booking the shows. I’ll ask for input even if I already know what I want to do. Often they have the same general idea. Other times I missed something important and that is being pointed out to me, other times still we change course away from my original plan. While LPFWA 2k14 had a creative team too, LPFWA 2k18 didn’t for the most part. So now having to justify some of my decisions to other people again makes me realize how much thought I actually put into making little video game people throw each other around.

As far as the booking goes we are in this weird place between a shoot and a work. On one hand we try to book matches based on who we think could beat someone else on the other, especially when it comes to debuts or title contenders, we also go at it with the intend to get someone specific “over” in some way. We can’t give everybody this treatment, of course, but for instance, before debuting Malfest Goat-Monster we discussed how he should appear before his first match and who the opponent should be and while I didn’t do a test match (I like to be surprised) we booked the match against Vacation Skeleton because we thought Goat-Monster could probably beat VS. Goat-Monster having this threatening aura initially is pretty important for simply establishing the character as a threat and with the whole “shoot” aspect what might happen next is Goat-Monster losing to someone in embarassing fashion. There’s a lot of moving parts, some of which we can control. Others we COULD control (but I don’t want to) and even more that are completely unpredictable.

Essentially, and a lot of people don’t really understand this, you can’t book an e-fed with conventional wrestling logic because you don’t control the outcome of a match, which is why we often resort to building up to the blow-off of a feud without really having matches. You can’t just say “the dastardly heel Palpatine wins by shenanigans against the valiant face Grace Thoruson at the go-home show so when Grace beats Palpy at the PPV people will be happy to see him get his just desserts.” or “Goat-Monster squashes a couple of people before going on to more competitive title matches or feuds” It’s more like: “All right, we’ll book Flamander vs. Rosette for a No. 1 Contender match and whatever happens happens.” Even if I have my own favorite, who I think should win for one reason or another there’s no guarantee that it’ll happen and even if it does it might be a count-out or DQ which doesn’t hold that same amount of weight.

I don’t think a lot of people care about or pick up on these things, especially if they are sometimes more subtle but it’s important to me to have it in there for those who do. Not that OHPW is a particularly deep show or anything. It’s a wrestling company in which a Pizza and a Pineapple were the tag champs once.

I’ll now just dump some stats, most of them in a kind of “Top 3” format. Since I have this huge ass spreadsheet I might as wall put some of the numbers out there for people to look at. So see you next week when we go back to our regularly scheduled weekly shows. The match card will come, as always, next Wednesday. Unless I forget, in that case it would be Thursday, maybe. Or Friday or uh… well. Let’s no think about that.

Total Characters: 57
Wrestlers: 53 (not all of which are done yet)
Referees: 4
Wrestlers that are in teams: 25 (Some of these haven’t been established as a team on screen yet.)

Highest Win % (of people with more than 1 match)

  1. VACANT: 100.00%
  2. Suzan Blades: 83.33%
  3. Fomore and Firestar: 80.00%

Had the most matches:

  1. DivineCoffeeBinge (9)
  2. Angus McMutton and Mr. Shakedown (7)
  3. Suzan Blades, Canada Alderman, Undeddie Guerrero and Flamander (6)

Appeared in Most Scenes:

  1. SATAN and Majestic Goat-Man (5)
  2. Malfest Goat-Monster, Angus McMutton, Vacation Skeleton, Dash Rendar, Palpatine and IGgy (4)
  3. DivineCoffeeBinge and HazMatt (3)

Best Singles Wrestlers according to a simplified ELO formula

  1. Suzan Blades
  3. Mr. Shakedown

Highest Average Match Rating (of people with more than 1 match)

  1. Harley Havik (98.67%)
  2. Boob Marley (98.25%)
  3. Nawt A Robutt (98.25%)

Higheset Average Singles Match Rating (of people with more than 1 singles match)

  1. N-T Punk (97.00%)
  2. Boob Marley (96.50%)
  3. King Skeleton (95.00%)

Longest Average Match Duration (People with more than 1 match)

  1. The Ego (27:38)
  2. Kelsey Slaughter (23:31)
  3. Harley Havik (23:31)

Longest Match: Princess Slaughter vs. Vacation Skeleton vs. Ego from Episode 1 - 45:29

Shortest Average Match Duration (People with more than 1 match)

  1. VACANT (11:50)
  2. Kayu Zakisaka (12:30)
  3. Black (12:50)

Shortest Match: Kayu Zakisaka vs. Black from Episode 8 - 5:03

Longest Title Reigns
In defenses: Mr. Shakedown’s Bunny Title reign (4 successful defenses, 35 days) and DCBs Jabroni “reign” (4 failed offenses over 35 days)
In days: Suzan Blades’ ongoing Hellweight Title reign (37 days, 1 successful defense)

Okay, we’re back and the show will be, you guessed it, in the usual place, at the usual time.
We’ll see the debut of a new Tag Team of Zoltan and Jan Itor (The Space Wizards) and we’ll see if Fomore can continue their streak of actually winning the Seven Deadly Pins.

Here’s the match card:

#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
Super Samio © vs. King Skeleton

#2 Four-Way First Fall
Palpatine vs. The Ego vs. Black vs. The Cocademon

#3 Singles Match
Undeddie Guerrero vs. Harmony Gray

#4 Tag Team Match
1 1/2 Dragons vs. Space Wizards

#5Bunny Championship :3
Maya Northwind vs. Anna May ©

#6 VACANT Open Challenge
rip vs. VACANT

#7 Seven Deadly Pins
Harley Havik vs. Pine Appel vs. Boob Marley vs. Chief Engineer vs. Vacation Skeleton vs. Lemuel Post vs. Dash Rendar vs. Fomore ©

Going live now and starting in 15 minutes https://www.twitch.tv/iggy_igsen

Here’s the match card again:
#1 Super Samio © vs. King Skeleton for the Jabroni Royale
#2 Palpatine vs. Ego vs. Black vs. Cocademon
#3 Undeddie Guerrero vs. Harmony Gray
#4 1 1/2 Dragons vs. Space Wizards
#5 Maya Northwind vs. Anna May © for the Bunny Title :3
#6 VACANT Open Challenge
#7 Seven Deadly Pins feat. Fomore ©

OHPW - Week 10: Freaking Wizards - (Twitch VOD)

Back in the Junkyard Kelsey is furiously swinging her bat back and forth

Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: Goddammit! Robbie, tell me why didn’t I win that match.
Robbie%20D Robbie D: W-what, huh?
Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT?
Robbie%20D Robbie D: Didn’t we already cut this promo Cous?
Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: SHUT UP ROBBIE, NO WE HAVEN’T!
Paulie Paulie: Nah I think he’s right sis, I think we’s did did dis before.
Kelsey%20Face Kelsey:
Paulie Paulie:
Robbie%20D Robbie D:
Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: OK, fine then. Let’s talk about something’s else then. Let’s talk about dat fool Hobo.
Paulie Paulie: Oh yeah’s, Hobo.
Robbie%20D Robbie D: I think we’s cut a promo on this before too-
Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: Shut up Robbie! Did we cut a promo on that segment in IGgy’s office?
Robbie%20D Robbie D: I don’t think so-
Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: Exactly!
Paulie Paulie: Yeah!
Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: But onto business at hand, Hobo. I was being nice when I ran into you’s at the office, I even not a non-Joisey accent to put you at ease. But the truth is I was looking for you for a while now. Who do youse think youse is? Youse think you can just waltz into my domain and not pay the trash tax? Youse standing there talking about having a shirt and pants and buying a jacket and not sending any of it my way?
Paulie Paulie: FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!
Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: Well don’t worry about it, Because at Doom’s Gate, you will pay what you owe me, IN BLOOD!!!
Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: I…Wait what Bro?
Paulie Paulie: What?
Kelsey%20Face Kelsey:
Paulie Paulie:
Robbie%20D Robbie D:

A time portal suddenly opens up and yanks Paulie through it

Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: Dammit Robbie! This is why you don’t mention timeline fuckery. Now Paulie’s been sucked into the timeline.
Robbie%20D Robbie D: …Wha?
Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: Well, go get him. I can’t do it, I got a match in two weeks.

Robbie D looks around nervously before gingerly walking over to the portal and jumping through it. Kelsey turns towards camera shaking her head

Kelsey%20Face Kelsey: You see Hobo, this is what happens when you don’t just follow rules. See you at Hells Gate.

Last week’s show was really fun, let’s have another. It’ll be in the usual place at the usual time.

Grace and Harmony make their OHPW Tag Team Debut and go against the Fallout Boys for No. 1 Contendership for the Legion Tag Titles while Undeddie and Mr. Shakedown wrestle over who gets a shot for Suzan’s Hellweight Title next week. There’s more, of course, the match card is below.

#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
King Skeleton © vs. The Ego

Special Interview: VACANT address their loss to Hobo One Kevodki

#2 Legion Tag No. Contender Match
Grace & Harmony vs. Fallout Boys

#3 Infernal Hellweight No. 1 Contender Match
Undeddie Guerrero vs. Mr. Shakedown

#4 Singles Match
N-T Punk vs. Malfest Goat-Monster

#5 Bunny Championship :3
Kayu Zakisaka vs. Maya Northwind

#6 5-Way Battle Royal
Cheese Pietzza vs. Anna May vs. DCB vs. Doctor Mutant vs. Muscle Wizard

#7 Legion Tag Championships
1 1/2 Dragons vs. oRa 66 ©

1 Like

Angus: Grace, win I want tae see yuir skills hen at thon ppv…me you say dinnae worry a couple of weebs cannae stop the firey tru bru!

In a bar somewhere, where the patrons are half drunk, half on fire

Mina%20Headshot%202 Awwwwww man 모두들 안녕? Mina’s back in the house with her pal Angus, and boy do we have a story for you.

Mina%20Headshot%202 Me and my boy Angus were out doing what we do best, drink bars out of business and then torching the place on our way out, when we got a call from our boy Palpy saying that we have a match coming up against the 1 1/2 Dragons. That’s most curious because I didn’t know they let posers have title matches in this company.

Mina%20Headshot%202 Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’ve got some real dragons fire inside you boys, but do you think your Breath of Fire can truly compete with mine? Because let me tell you, all the Dragonsfire in the universe can’t compete with the power of the Firestar.

Mina Points at her necklace

Mina%20Headshot%202 Yeah, that’s the real Fire Emblem right here. So you boys go ahead and bring all the Dragonsfire you want because at the end of the day, 1 1/2, 3, 9, 81, there’s not enough of it to compete with what’s in here.

Mina points to her necklace again

Mina%20Headshot%202 And what’s in there.

Mina jabs Angus in the belly

Mina%20Headshot%202 Yeeeeeaaaaah, 그것을 구울거야. I gotta pee, Angus, say something Scottish to these fools.

Angus snaps back into reality from his drink-

“you hae lost faith in people ‘n’ in yersel’. Ah hawp in mankind, ‘n’ ah ken that yer lunacy mist be stopped!”


A dinnae ken muckle aboot this weeb jobby. Ah lea that tae mah bidie in ‘n’ instead ah bring th’ pain.

-he smashes a beer bottle-

C’moan then dragons a dinnae ken if yer lizards or nae bit a’m in th’ merkat fur a freish pair o’ bits

-he grabs the camera-

A’ hail th’ ora 66, viva th’ ora bugger brexit…fuck th’ sassenach ‘n’ especially bugger weebs wha aren’t mina…bring it oan

O flower o’ scotland,
when wull we see
your lik’ again,
that fought ‘n’ died for,
your wee bit hill ‘n’ glen,
and staun against him,
proud edward’s army,
and sent him homeward,
to think again.
The hills ur bare now,
and autumn leaves
lie thick ‘n’ still,
o’er land that is lost now,
which they sae dearly held,
that staun against him,
proud edward’s army,
and sent him homeward,
to think again.
Those days ur bygane now,
and in th’ past
they mist remain,
but we kin aye rise now,
and be th’ nation again,
that staun against him,
proud edward’s army,
and sent him homeward,
to think again.
The hills is bare nou,
an autumn leafs,
lies thick an still,
ower land that is tint nou,
that thae sae darlie held,
that stuid agin him,
prood edward’s airmie,
an sent him hamewart,
tae think again.
O flower o’ scotland,
when wull we see
your lik’ again,
that fought ‘n’ died for,
your wee bit hill ‘n’ glen,
and staun against him,
proud edward’s army,
and sent him homeward,
to think again.

Mina comes back from the bathroom clapping

Mina%20Headshot%202 Beautiful, you could put that on T-shirts. Aw man, you really got them by the Dragon Balls, just like I will when the match comes around.

Mina%20Headshot%202 Oh yeah, Harmony and Grace. I hope you guys win your match too. I got no problem facing those Nukeheads, who doesn’t like a little Nuclear fire after all. But Revenge, that’s a fire that burns deep.

Mina summons a fireball into her hands

Mina%20Headshot%202 And you know me, I love to play with fire.