Alright, gather round and I shall regale you with the troubles that plague me. See, I just don’t have enough time in the day with everything going on in my busy, busy schedule. Work, housework, cleaning work, play work, it all adds up to having no time to just enjoy myself and relax! What’s a man supposed to do when the clock itself is ticking against him?
Some people might be inclined to suggest complete bollocks like twisting time to make days longer or getting fired and making yourself homeless so you only have that play work to do but I know the practical solution:
Clone yourself
With two (or more - there are no limits!) of you, you each spend far fewer time you would otherwise on all that onerous stuff and instead lie there staring up into sky, wondering why you’ve nothing to do with yourself.
Clearly, the problem isn’t having enough time. The problem is time itself! So what you need to do is, go into the metaphysical plane, where all concepts exist as things. From there it should be easy to track down time and assassinate it for good.
I have it on good authority that this will totally work and not make the fabric of reality unravel.
Are you fortunate enough to have a solid job that pays a fair wage? Then may I suggest legally adopting one of the many millions of pre-teen, tween, and teenage kids trapped in the neglectful scraps of our underfunded foster care system.
Send in an application, get evaluated, meet with social workers and find the only lucky 12 year old kid of your dreams. Begin fostering them and quickly move to begin the adoption process. This child is your property now. You can do such fun things as:
Legally change their name.
Force then to attend religious services with you for a religion they do not follow.
If they are Jewish, you can completely ignore that and create an unkosher ham palace out of your kitchen.
But most fun of all, you can now offload all the household chores and cleaning you don’t want to do onto your teenage child. Once the adoption papers are signed you can take up heavy drinking and spend all night telling your child that all men/women are scum.*
*This is a real thing that really happened to a girl that I was mentoring in my mid 20s. I wanted to find the guy who adopted her and take a bat to him with her.
If you’d like a solution that’s less soul crushing, consider creating the eighth day of the week, Funday. I remember little of Doug outside of that, but I have no idea why Funday never took off. Anyway, just pull a lever and you’ll have an extra twenty four hours to relax.
This might be less fun, but have you considered cocaine? It’s the drug of choice of cool and interesting people, and if you’re white, there’s little chance of legal repercussions!
Get all the energy you need and get rid of that pesky “sleeping” problem at the same time. I’m sure you’ll become life of the party as well.
Finally, you can share the habits of the wealthy and successful, destroying your nasal cavity one sniff at a time! Just make sure that your habit (cool people don’t have addictions, they have habits) doesn’t escalate to methanphetamines. That’s for the poors.
Clearly the solution here is to learn to manipulate the fabric of space-time in order to give yourself more time to do things! Just make time around you stop until you’re finished with things, and everything’s solved!*
*user is not responsible for any extreme/sudden-to-loved ones aging due to performing such time wizardry for chores.
Things have been a bit weird between me and my cousin for the last two years, after we had an argument where I got angry at her for reasons. We used to be pretty close but have drifted apart, and its not helped that she’s been going to college in Oregon (I live in MN) and she spends her summers at a camp in the Boundary Waters. How do I reconnect with her after a long time where we really didn’t talk to each other?
Since you had a falling out, you’re gonna need to start reconnecting via notes. No, I don’t mean send a letter. I mean write the note and give it to the person closest to you in the direction of Oregon. Then they should pass it to the closest person to them, and so on and so forth. The note will eventually reach her, and she can send a note back with the same method. In about a year or two, you’ll have communicated enough to be ready for telephone. And by that I do mean the game telephone.
Hire a private investigator to pry into your cousin’s life and figure out everything she’s into and what she’s been up to for the last three years. Then call her up and chat with her intimately about all this stuff, ask her about her ex, lament to her about that co-worker she’s sick of, etc. Just pick back up where you left off. I’m sure your cousin won’t be remotely freaked out by you knowing all this personal shit out of the blue.
