You still have an omelet stone around your neck? That’s the problem.
The only way to remove the stone is to travel to the Himalayas. Then once you’re there, bribe/sleep/hustle your way into having the natives tell you where the lost city of B’kfast is. Then dedicate your life to finding that lost city. Once you do, providing you’re not killed during your search, have the denizens of B’kfast teach you the way of the Brunch. Once mastering that, find the Omelet Dragon who secretly controls the city, tear it’s heart out, and rub it on the stone. Now you can fully enjoy breakfast!
OH MOTHER FUCK MY FORUMS GAME!!!
I’m so sorry, today was my spouse’s birthday and also trazodone made me sleep for 12 hours and I slept through my alarm and then I forgot it was Thursday. RIP!!!
Okay poll.
[poll]
Jenner: Candy. For. Breakfast.
NinetySevenA: Beer for breakfast (and don’t drive to work.)
Mas: Bacon solves everything.*
HostileV: Adjust your clock so that breakfast becomes lunch, lunch becomes dinner, and dinner becomes breakfast.
Fefnir: Travel to an inverse universe where breakfast is not the most important meal of the day.
Chowder: Invert your day. Dinner for breakfast, lunch stays lunch, breakfast is now dinner.
That_Good_Good_Chris: Steal the secret of brunch from native people.[/poll]
I’ll close the poll at like 3pm tomorrow instead to give more time for voting. I’ll whip myself back into reliability. My apologies.
Lp-zoners, here is my issue: I cant stop checking my phone during the workday! Between twitter, insta, FB, snapchat and email, I’m distracted way to often, and it’s bad for a number of reasons! What do???
Since Twitter, Instagram, FB, Snaphcat and E-mail are all absolutely vital in today’s modern world, perhaps you should consider smashing that pointless liability that is your phone to pieces and getting a pager. Get with the times, grandpa!
I’d say go out and have some rad experiences. Go skydiving and wrestle a bear in midair, become the dictator of an isolated island nation for a day, ride a dirt bike through an exploding tunnel… Whatever trips your trigger.
Once that’s said and done, you’ll find the distractions of Facebook, Twitter, etc. so dull and mundane that you might as well dedicate yourself to the soul-crushing monotony of work.
Just keep using your current phone and don’t buy a new one. Cell phones have such a limited lifespan nowadays that you’ll find your current phone becoming more and more useless as you use it. You don’t have to worry about any sort of withdrawal because you’ll have such vivid memories of bringing up Twitter causing your phone to die in twelve seconds flat.
The answer to this is very simple, really. Cobble together a makeshift time machine made out of every day household materials (and if that don’t work, just steal one from someone more successful) and punch yourself in the face before you ever bought the phone! The sheer force of paradoxical you-on-you violence will shake your past self so badly that you’ll forget entirely why you wanted a phone in the first place, cancelling out the whole problem* before it can begin.
*Warning: Changing the course of history may result in the cessation of existence as you know it, since you will have never needed to go back in time in the first place. User discretion is advised.
Quit your job. No job can match the unfulfilling experience of scrolling mindlessly through streams and feeds and endless data, so much data that sometimes you can’t even comprehend. Monetize this experience, and become a social media influencer shilling diet products on instagram and Facebook, somehow making enough money to leverage your lifestyle until some sort of faux pas makes you a liability for your sponsors or there is a younger, newer hotness that understands twitter better than you do. Then try and gain your popularity back and repeat this cycle until you realize, “I should’ve just put my phone in my desk drawer”
This one’s obvious. Just shut your phone off. Take the battery out and leave it at home, if you have to. Simple, isn’t it?
“But wait,” I hear you say, “What if someone I care about tries to get ahold of me?” Well my friend, that’s why this plan has two steps! Before you can safely unplug, you need to make sure that no loved ones will try to contact you, and the easiest way to do that is to not have loved ones! This part has a lot of different options, so feel free to get a little creative: you can go for the obvious “bloody rampage” approach, the “get yourself ostracized” method, or, my personal favorite, “pack up and move to a different city without telling anyone!” All of these plans will guarantee that no one will want to, or be able to, speak with you, so pick your favorite!
The real solution is to get a job being on a social media team. By the end of your first week you will have seen so much shit from the dregs of the Internet that it will be safe to go back to your old job and no longer want to use social media. At all, ever.
You know that one time when Jimmy Hendrix burned his guitar after he used it? When your done checking your phone at work just whip out the light fluid and set it on fire in a brilliant display for your coworkers to enjoy!
The only down side is that you have to buy a new phone every time you put on the burning phone show but at lest it gives you a second thought if you really want to check your phone right now or not.
Make enemies of all your friends and family, and alienate them. Get blocked by everyone you follow on Twitter by being incredibly offensive or racist. Get blocked by everyone you follow on Instagram by perving and creeping on everyone. Now none of these social media outlets have any content to distract you with and you are free.
It’s time and I’m on time though I might be late closing the poll tomorrow just so you folks know.
[poll]
Mas: Destroy your phone and get a pager.
spaceyroach: Get out and live, sky dive, wrestle a bear, become a dictator. The distractions of social media will be dull afterwards.
Fefnir: Never upgrade from your current phone. Time and lagginess will solve the rest.
Wordybird: Make a time machine, travel back in time, and punch yourself before you ever bought the phone.
Shmoo: Quit your job and spend your days trying to go viral and make money off of social media until you fuck up and/or someone younger replaces you.
LoakaMossi: Shut your phone off. If you’re worried about friends and family just “handle” them.
NinetySevenA: Get hired to join a social media team and be have the true dregs of the internet ruin you and the internet forever.
Grasslamb: Light your phone on fire.
Jenner: Get blocked by everyone you follow and/or banned from all social media by harassing, creeping on, offending people or being a huge racist. Now there’s nothing on social media to distract you and you’re free. [/poll]
So um, it was a three-way tie between Grasslamb, Mas, and me. So I let my cat vote.
And she voted for me. So um, #Rigged.
Okay @Jenner, what is your issue?
Okay friends so I can’t stop biting and chewing my nails. I’ve whittled them down to the point where my fingers hurt and there is no nail left to bite. I’ve moved on to destroying my cuticles for need of biting/chewing. What can I do?
Get flexible. It’s actually kind of awkward to contort yourself in a way that lets you bite your toe nails easily, which is probably why you aren’t already doing it.
You’ve just got to broaden your horizons, that’s all. Sure, your nails aren’t in any state for chewing any more, but you aren’t the only one with nails in the world! The general populace is your oyster! Just pick a person on the street, grab an appendage and get gnawing!
Buy a few chew toys. Dogs seem to love them and I don’t see why humans can’t chomp on them as well. Especially if they keep us from chewing on ourselves. If you need something with similar texture to nails, then raw hide might be the way to go.
I’m frankly disturbed that your education is so remedial they haven’t even taught you how to regenerate body parts yet. Time for summer school, young man/woman/other.