I Attack the Darkness! Kingdom Hearts III

A lot of people have asked for this, and we’re finally delivering. Having previously riffed some of the earlier Kingdom Hearts instalments, myself and my friend It’ Molly have decided to blindly LP the series’ (supposedly) final entry: 2019’s Kingdom Hearts III. Before we started though, we did have a little discussion about our time with the series.

And without further ado (most threads don’t require a 30 minute intro, but here we are) here’s the LP! Don’t worry if you still don’t quite get what’s going on, most people are in the same camp.


Part 1: Dubstep & Twitter
Part 2: Dang It Devito
Part 3: Insurance Jokes
Part 4: Park Attendant
Part 5: Fools of Nature
Part 6: Mission Failed
Part 7: Twilight Catfight
Part 8: Pretzel Quest
Part 9: Trash Food
Part 10: Rad Plaid
Part 11: Kill Steals
Part 13: Brain Poison
Part 14: Throwing Shapes
Part 15: Emo Sora Vs. Goth Tree
Part 16: Fedora Fantasy
Part 17: Battle Mechs
Part 18: Norted Doll Watch
Part 19: Verum Rex
Part 20: Buzz Darkyear
Part 21: Ice To Meet You
Part 22: Stay Frosty
Part 23: Licence To Chill
Part 24: Snow Laughing Matter
Part 25: Let’s Kick Some Ice
Part 26: Flantastic Selfies
Part 27: Too Smart For Strangers
Part 28: Billy Goodman & John Crystal
Part 29: BEES
Part 30: The Proper Authorities
Part 31: Corporations & Organizations
Part 32: Flat Earth Confirmed
Part 33: Grinding Booty
Part 34: Nortical
Part 35: Assassin’s Creed IV: White Crab
Part 36: Millennial Ships
Part 37: British Bloodbath
Part 38: Betamax
Part 39: Mindless Story, Mindless Combat
Part 40: Rolling Around
Part 41: Let’s Go Home
Part 42: Nort Buddies
Part 43: Still More Talking
Part 44: Flantastic Selfies… Again
Part 45: Heroic Sacrifice
Part 46: Asserting Dominance
Part 47: Gaming Purgatory
Part 48: The Return of xVegeta420x
Part 49: Ga-Cutscene-mep-Cutscene-lay
Part 50: 何!?
Part 51: You Got Sephiroth’d
Part 52: Proof of Promises - FINALE
Part 53: Ultima Weapon - BONUS

DLC Videos

Part 54: One, Two, Three, Dog
Part 55: I Got This
Part 56: Punished Mickey
Part 57: The Pain Orb - DLC FINALE

Secret Reports

Secret Report 1


Am I alive?

I awoke in a cell, alone until the researchers came with their tests and their prodding to uncover my identity.

I had no answer to offer them. Four friends, and a key…that is the sum total of my memory. I could not even recall my name. I was simply called “X” there. My only solace was the time I spent talking with the two boys who would visit from time to time.

One day, a man came to take me from the prison. I could not see him for the darkness, save that he wore an eyepatch. Even now, years on, I feel no closer to understanding who or what I am.

May my heart be my guiding key.


Secret Report 2

Mark of Mastery Journal—

Some days have passed since I set off on my journey to prepare for the Mark of Mastery examination. Eraqus asked for leave to undertake the same pilgrimage, but apparently I am to be first to tour the worlds written of in the old fairy tales.

Until a few short years ago, I’d known only my own world, a speck of land surrounded by sea. But how I’d dreamed of, yearned for the World beyond… And, granted guidance from the future, I left that nest behind. As I treaded the path to my master’s side, I came in contact with darkness in many forms. I knew even then, as by instinct: terrifying as its power was, it could be harnessed. Mastered.

Eraqus is a blueblood, descended from the very first masters in the age of fairy tales. But I did not come this far to indulge in adulation. I will be his peer. His equal. And to do that, I must learn to wield the power born from both darkness and light in proper balance.


Secret Report 3

Experiments of the Heart
Notes on Subject X, Excerpt 1—

Subject was found in the central square shortly after dawn. Female, approximately fifteen years old. After seven days’ observation, she spoke her first words, but could not provide a name. Subject exhibits signs of profound amnesia, and displays concern about which world this is. Her words suggest that she departed her home world with others, though she cannot recall the names of her erstwhile companions. All efforts to explore those memories have met with a rejection response.

After his initial experiments on me, Ansem the Wise ceased his research into the heart, his hand stayed by some fear I cannot fathom. Yet this new subject is like me: devoid of memories. She is the perfect sample upon which to continue my master’s work. She, too, could benefit from it: by traversing the heart, we have a direct path into memory. I myself have begun to reclaim my lost past thanks to these very experiments.

Who is she? Whence has she come? These are questions no scientist could ignore. And the words she muttered, “May your heart be your guiding key”…


Secret Report 4

Experiments of the Heart
Notes on Subject X, Excerpt 2—

Subject’s memories have not returned, and our conversations remain less than lucid. What fragments can be gleaned evoke a bygone world, like one out of fairy tales. As improbable as it seems, the question may not be where she has come from, but when. If she truly has crossed through time, the prospect of probing her heart is all the more compelling.

My pilot studies used a handful of subjects, but none possessed the fortitude to endure them. Ultimately, all suffered mental collapse. I knew it would be a heavy blow to lose a subject as unique as she.

Upon discovering the tests I’ve been conducting, my master demanded that I cease my work immediately and destroy what research I have compiled. Worse still, he ordered the release of my remaining subjects. She is gone.

Where is Subject X now? Has “wise” Master Ansem hidden her away? Whatever the case, I will not be deterred. I will take her place as the first subject in the grand experiment to come.


Secret Report 5

Memoirs, Excerpt 1—

That castle was a wonderland to us children. Within its walls, Ansem the Wise conducted his research, and the fruits it bore allowed everyone outside to live in peace and happiness. That alone was enough to stoke our interest, thought not all of the rumors that escaped its walls were so benevolent. By night, the muffled sounds of human wails emerged. There was talk of dangerous human experimentation. Lea and I couldn’t help but hatch a plot to steal inside and sate our curiosity.

The two who stood guard at the gates were researchers themselves, though you wouldn’t think it to see them, massive and barrel-chested as they were. And slipping past that duo was only the first hurdle. It proved one not easily cleared; we were found and tossed out on our ears, time and again.

On the day we finally secured our entry, we descended the long spiral stair at the heart of the castle to find a dark space below it, lined with cages. There wasn’t light enough to see if they were inhabited, and we were in no position to call out to any occupants within. Yet we could feel it. A definite presence, there in the black. Terror washed over us, and we immediately regretted coming. But just as we turned to flee, we heard the faintest of voices. The urge to run was nigh overpowering, but someone or something beckoned us on.

There, framed by a tenuous sliver of light, we found her.


Secret Report 6

Memoirs, Excerpt 2—

It was too dim to make our her features. We spoke to her in hushed whispers. Who was she? Why was she imprisoned here? She had no answers for us. Had no memories at all. She was an enigma, but I knew I wanted to help her.

And so we continued our infiltrations, most of them stopped short at the castle gates. When we did manage our way inside, we spoke with her.That was all the comfort two children like us could offer. But Lea had other ideas. He was determined to free her. We slipped into the castle that day knowing only that we wanted, with all our hearts, to save her.

But we did not find her inside on that day or the next, or any of our subsequent visits. Had she been moved? Had we simply imagined her? Lea and I knew there was only one way to be certain. And so we stand before the castle gates today, not as trespassing children but in order to become Ansem the Wise’s newest apprentices.


Secret Report 7

On the Replica Program and Reanimation—

Following my erasure and my recompletion as a human, I did not awaken right away. Perhaps the damage was exceptionally grave. Even after waking, I remained in bed, pondering my next course of action.

In my work on the Replica Program for the Organization, I produced some twenty vessels. Most of the early results were failures, not one of them granted a number. The first success to emerge from that early lot was the Riku replica. Subsequently, Xion (No. i) was essentially indistinguishable from a natural human, though she became unstable due to the influence of others. Using those two as my foundation, I worked to construct a number of nigh-perfect replicas, but just as they neared completion, my efforts were cut short. I suspect Xehanort aims to use both the inital lot as well as the unused replicas from my later work.

I arose today and decided to walk out to the square, my first outing in some time. Yet my stroll was interrupted when a surprising visitor appeared with an unexpected offer. Though younger than me, he’d risen to become Xemnas’s right hand. I accepted his terms and became a Nobody once more—easier to gain access to the old Replica Program that way.

Whatever it takes to atone.


Secret Report 8

The “Real” Organization—

Xehanort seeks to gather twelve vessels, which — together with his true, actual self — he considers the “real” Organization XIII. Now that he has the numbers he needs, Demyx and I are being treated as reserves.

Several others who served Xemnas in the old Organization have followed the same course as mine, electing to abandon their newly restored humanity and rejoin the “real” Organization as Nobodies. But not Xemnas. Xemnas cannot exist in the present because there is already a Xehanort here: the old man in charge. The old man’s humanity prevents his Heartless and Nobody, others vanquished in the past, and his younger self from being denizens of this time.

To circumvent this, Xehanort is using the prototype replicas I created in the past as containers, plucking his other selves’ hearts from the time they existed. Xehanort ordered me to refine the prototypes, to make them closer still to the real thing. Perfecting my creations so they may house true, flesh-and-blood humans suits my own purposes as well. All that remains for my atonement is to devise a way to pass on as many of the vessels as I can to those who truly deserve them.


Secret Report 9

Ansem Code Conspectus, Excerpt 1—

I have pored over the data my master entrusted to Riku. Here, I offer my preliminary conclusions.

Within Sora’s heart are three compartmentalized “boxes,” each containing the heart of another. One box holds Roxas. Another holds a second heart that has been with Sora nearly as long. The third has held its heart for much longer. These hearts have melded with Sora’s and no longer have voices of their own. Any attempt to mechanically extract them could prove as dire for Sora as what caused him to become a Heartless in the first place.

First, a vessel for each heart must be readied. Then, a spark of some sort is required to induce its waking. Obviously, the ideal solution is to restore each heart to its own body, but (whatever the case for the two unknown individuals) Roxas possesses no such thing. The same is true for Namine, who we believe resides in Kairi’s heart. Still, if alternate bodies can be secured for them, all their hearts require to be awakened is that “spark”—people they cared for and who cared for them, who can show them the way home.

Complete and perfect digitalization of the heart is impossible. We can only hope to partially reconstruct it. Thus, I see no way forward but to extract the hearts we so desperately need directly from within Sora. Fortunately, the data stored in Twilight Town contains a near-perfect record of the memories of those who lived there—and for Roxas and Namine especially, this is crucial.


Secret Report 10

Ansem Code Conspectus, Excerpt 2—

As for how to contain their hearts, the only conceivable option is the replicas. If we transfer in the digital memories from the Twilight Town archive, the replicas should be able to reconstruct each individual’s human appearance with near-perfect results. Then, their hearts need only the right spark to wake them, so they may find their way out of Sora and Kairi and into those newly made bodies.

The Replica Program was truly revolutionary, but it was incomplete at the time of the old Organization’s dissolution. Without Even, how are we to further the research? We need at least three replicas: one for Roxas, one for Namine, and one for the unknown stowaway within Sora’s heart.

These are difficult quandaries, but as I work through my master’s data, I find myself remembering the taste of ice cream. When I was a boy, he would bring me some when we took walks together. There will be time to regret my betrayal later. For now, my focus must be on restoring Roxas and Namine and proving my master had good intentions.


Secret Report 11

Observations, Excerpt 1—

I have seen it through; the Keyblade War unfolded exactly as written on the Lost Page. Now, the Keyblade the Master entrusted to me must be bequeathed to another. Five Union leaders have been chosen from the surviving Dandelions. I will pass the Keyblade to one of them, and then continue watching the future unfold.

Yet it seems that someone has pulled the old switcheroo. One of the Five is an imposter, someone the Master did not choose. They represent a virus in the program he so carefully wrote.

The virus has begun a strange undertaking: a reckless plot to allow the Five to escape into another worldline. Surely such a thing can’t be possible? We’re talking about the same trick that allowed the Dandelions to transfer to other worldlines after the Keyblade War. But these children are no Masters. They haven’t the means…unless, of course, a certain lady of magic summoned here from the future knows more than I do.

The whole Union leader thing was supposed to be by the books. Are these new events just another phase in the Master’s grand plan?


Secret Report 12

Observations, Excerpt 2—

Even on a worldline with no Keyblade War, peace is but a dream. In the absence of us and our Master, a “darkness” arrived—one that shall surely lead the World to yet another demise.

Amid the chaos, I bequeathed my Keyblade to one of the Union leaders, just as the Master instructed. I watched as the Five were sent to another worldline—at no small cost—ensuring the line of Keyblade wielders will live on. And now, Keybladeless, I must depart this land to fulfill my final task. This means casting my own body aside and sojourning my heart in vessel after vessel—as many as it takes.

But I will continue gazing upon each passing era, one unto the next. In time, be it years or decades, centuries or millennia, I will meet the Five once more.

Somewhere in this cyclical history of bequeathings, a chosen one will appear and reenact the Keyblade War. When this scapegoat arrives and takes my Keyblade in hand, that will be the time to take the stage and finish my role.

The Lost Masters will awaken.


Secret Report 13

Observations, Excerpt 3—

It seems this body, this name will be my last. The lives I have lived over the ages could fill volumes, but for now I must focus on what matters most.

The Keyblade has been successfully passed down, generation to generation, and it seems a Keyblade Master devoted to the darkness may finally arise. Until now, I have watched over the course of events from a distance. Perhaps the time has come to intervene. I need only play the role of a fool desirous of the Keyblade’s power. I will don the mask of his ally in order to keep watch over my Keyblade from close by.

The Gazing Eye: a Keyblade forged from the eye of the Master of Masters. He passed it to me, as I have to others, and through it he can see the future—all that will ever come to pass. Spanning the ages in body after body, life after life, my task has been to keep vigil over the Eye as it passes from hand to hand. It has been a long time. Longer than I can express.

But now at least the Keyblade War has begun, and Kingdom Hearts will open—a true and complete Kingdom Hearts, born of the clash between darkness and light. I will soon be reunited with my old companions, and in that moment my long vigil will reach its end. He will return…


Thread Rules

You spoil, you die.

Patreon Link! The more free time I can spend editing these lengthy recording sessions, the better!

Gotta save those lovable Greeks!

It’s a little weird going from everyone throwing shade at our weakened protagonist, to having him take on a God-slaying Titan.

so can i tell my fun theme parks are deathtraps stories:smile:

oh you totally missed the achilles statue back in the garden attack its weakpoint for a special prize

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Please do! Anyone with deathtrap theme park stories, now is the perfect time!

ok so i have two perticular ones that as soon as you hear them you will realise why they kinda lingered with me.

ok so first theres Alton towers it was 1992 and i was 10 i think at the time. there was this park railway which opened in the 50s

so this thing was getting people boarded on it and my family were one of the last on it i was the last. one foot was on the train. the other was on the platform. the driver started it way too early and i did the most epic split you’ll ever see. I broke my leg and it never fully healed thats nothing compared to…

2001 a lot happened that year i was finishing college and to celebrate we went to yorkshire. lovely place, fantastic even you know whats not fantastic flamingo land and in perticular its cable cars

the assholes controlling them shut it off before we reached the station we landed with a freaking bump. i cannot tell you how high we were before we fell but it was enough that my brother and sister think me, mum and dad had freaking died!

we spent days in hospital. dad was lucky he got a few bruises. me and mum not so much our backs were damn near buggered to the point even today its a chore for me to walk more than few meters

so yeah thats possibly the two worst things that ever happened in a theme park

Okay, after hearing that, you need to promise me you’ll never get on a log flume for the rest of your life, because it sounds like you have been c u r s e d.

I at least hope you got decent compensation for that second incident, cause dear lord! :frowning:

Well I’m sick atm so here’s another episode: that’s three in one day!

Some evil old wizard making clones of himself doesn’t seem so bad after defeating the elemental harbingers of the apocalypse.

Also this:

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we did because of how serious it was

back to the vids i am still trying to parse the fact we’re supposed to be at our weakest yet we take on three goddamn apocalypse tier monsters at the same time

buzz lightyears astro blasters is kinda an interactive target range its hella fun

As more moves are added to my arsenal, I start to notice that this combat, whilst fun, is a little… overstimulating.

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I love how goofy has the exact same tone for every other line regardless of context

“gawrsh, sora, you know, all those messed up emotional issues and traumas you’ve got are pretty inteeeense, ahyuck! ahyuck! [five minutes of goofy laughter, unskippable]”

In this part, I notice that Sora mentions a heart attack. Do those exist in this universe? If Sora has high cholesterol and keels over, do the myriad of people taking refuge in his chest go with him?

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Not to overhype this, but I’ve been looking forward to uploading this episode since we finished our first recording session.

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speaking of trash food glad i’m not the only one who thought the whole little chef thing was oddly hilarious

God knows why, but I felt compelled to make this.

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just saying if remy made meals there instead of that blumenthal guy they may still be alive now xd

A slightly shorter than usual episode, in which we exercise our ~creativity~ and introduce a new world!

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Tangled is a pretty decent film: would recommend. However, it’s not as heavy on themes of horse ejaculate as this LP would have you believe.

although this bout of “just watch a shittier version of the movie” is still pretty awkward to sit through, I do like how the presence of SDG is incorporated into flynn’s plan

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