The Mental Health Commonwealth

Off Topic
#32

Hi!! I’m Koko and I have been living with depression and anxiety for over 10 years (when it began is kind of hard to determine) and so far it’s kind of looking like I’m on the autism spectrum. Brain stuff is weird!
Mild :tw: but I’m not gonna get into details so it shouldn’t be too bad???

I had a lot of trouble making friends as a kid because of stuff like “not knowing how to talk to people” and “liking boring things” and “having a bad temper”. Eventually as a teenager I started getting mega depressed and all of those troubles I had with socializing persisted, even getting worse. I started suffering from chronic migraines, which, at worst, were hitting me daily, and at best, maybe 3-4 times a week. Anything would set them off. Sudden noises, arguments, strong smells, bright lights. (I’d learned about it and eventually came to the conclusion that they were caused by stress.) I slacked off big time in high school, barely doing half my work, avoiding anything that was confusing to me, never studying (but still faring well on tests because of memory). I barely passed high school with a GPA around 1.9.
The time for college came around and I last-minute applied for a local community college. It was… significantly easier than high school. I had half the number of classes and dramatically less class time. My performance peaked and I was getting GPAs around 3.5. I found one of the loopholes in my mental illness, which was just that keeping busy with a lot of different things made me less likely to get depressed. (I eventually crash because of burn-out though.) At this point in my life I was struggling with an emotionally abusive friendship and just beginning an obsession with suicide.
I graduated college and then things got weird. I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I didn’t have debt because my school was cheap enough that grants paid for it (which I am still so fucking thankful for), but I didn’t exactly have jobs or anything lined up. I mostly worked on my own art projects, stuff like comics and the like. I started taking anti-depressants after talking to my doctor about my moods. I stopped being friends with the person who was abusing me. After a while on my meds, I felt like their effectiveness was weakening, so I tried a different medication. But it didn’t work at all for me, and I ended up crashing.
Eventually circumstances forced me to get a job, so I just desperately applied wherever and ended up working at a coffee shop. Which… sucked! A lot! It wasn’t the job itself that sucked, but the people, I guess. At first I was doing a lot, working really hard, almost always had around 39 hours, constantly accepted requests to cover people’s shifts. Eventually I started crashing, especially when they fixed the timer at our work and I was constantly getting grilled for not being fast enough. After less than a year at the job I was having emotional breakdowns constantly, despite changing to a different store. I felt like I’d been experiencing a months-long panic attack I felt like I had to quit before I’d end up hurting myself over it. So, I did, and after a few months of trying to get my anxiety levels back down, I ended up starting therapy for the first time in my life.
I got really lucky. Like, super ridiculously lucky. The very first therapist I tried was perfect for me. She was practical and had a sense of humor and didn’t try to bullshit me. I went to therapy for about a year, but just recently I lost my health insurance and haven’t been able to go back since. I’ve been without meds or therapy for a few months now and it’s just… so much different from how I used to be. I feel a lot better, even at my worst moments. It’s a lot harder for me to get in really bad moods. I still want and need to go back to therapy, so I’m trying to sort out my health insurance. But man. I can’t believe how much it did for me. I can’t really explain it well. It was just really nice having someone I could say anything to and not… feel punished for expressing myself, I guess.

If there’s anything I wanted to express out of all that rambling I guess it’s just… if you can just push yourself, bit by bit, to work for it… you can get yourself out of hell. Even if it’s scary, even if you feel alone, even if it you feel like things aren’t ever going to work out.

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#33

Thanks for sharing, Koko. I can relate to having mental illness impact school; at the end of 8th grade and all through 9th grade I started avoiding school like the plague. It got to the point where I ‘faked’ being sick so much in 9th grade that I missed one-third of the school days, and even went to the emergency room since I was so dehydrated from not really eating or drinking much for a long ass time. I failed 9th grade but instead of doing summer classes, I bailed on physical high school and took the rest of my years online. Which I thought would work out, but the first year I pulled the same sort of deal and panicked about work I didn’t have done so I was “sick” a lot. At first it was a stomach thing, then I started to get actual migraines, which I turned into chronic migraines because it was the easiest excuse (also not eating much and reversing your sleep schedule tends to not do good things for your head, haha). Anyway, I sort of figured it out for the last two years of high school, enough that I was able to do some work and graduate. I sort of hobbled along like that until as I mentioned in my story post I started seeing a therapist summer before my junior year of college. Thankfully I’ve only had a handful of migraines per year since then.

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#34

Oh yeah, I used to skip my least favorite classes by sitting things out in the nurse’s office a lot. She kind of put up with it 75% of the time because I think she kind of understood that I had depression that wasn’t getting treated… probably figured it was better than other shit I could be doing. Also I just blatantly used the migraines as an excuse a lot.

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#35

(I already know the answer to this will be yes, but I’m asking semi-rhetorically)
Do yall have a hard time keeping a realistic perspective on the quality/amount of work you do? I just shot an email to my boss that I’ve been avoiding for a few weeks, summarizing the amount of work that I haven’t gotten done. My department is super understaffed, but I still feel like I’m letting the team down by not pulling my weight. My usual way of dealing with anxiety of that sort is to just avoid dealing with the thing altogether, which, as I’m sure you all understand, is not a good way of handling it. How do you keep a level perspective on how far to push yourself? I know me pretty well, and I know if I give myself an inch of leeway, I’ll take a lightyear. How do you avoid burnout?

Additionally, it feels super cathartic to go “Hey guys, I have a problem!”, where I feel like I’ve done my part and so I stop there. Do you have strategies for dealing with this sort of thing? (It makes me think of going to protests, but sort of stopping there and not engaging any further in making change)

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#36

I had trouble with school attendance, too. Middle school was hell, tl;dr I had the personality bullied right out of me, and that’s when the depression took a nosedive. I straight up spent 80% of my first year of high school sitting in coffee shops or libraries instead of going, because being at school made me have breakdowns and hallucinations… which brings up another shitty thing:

My mother was one of those… ‘you’re not sad, you’re just being dramatic!’ and ‘you’re not hallucinating, you’ve just got an over-active imagination!’ sort of parents. She refused to let me see a psychiatrist for years, and it made my brain problems a lot worse. (She even refused to let me see an eye doctor when my eyesight was going bad, claiming that I only wanted glasses because they were cute. Um, no…) If you’re still young and you’ve got a parent like this, you need to take it into your own hands. Maybe see a counselor at school and see if they can set you up with something, or find another adult you trust that can convince your parent. Waiting until your parent comes around will only make things harder to deal with.

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#37

Yeah, I spent a good chunk of my middle and high school years being bullied hard, and missed a sizable number of days through my school years just staying home to keep myself from having a breakdown, or because I would get so stressed that I would actually get sick. I could go on and on about how bad those years were but frankly I’d rather just forget they ever happened.

In other news, I sure wish I had the level of focus and dedication towards anything that the diseased part of my brain that wants to make me think about horrible things non-stop for two and a half weeks has.

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The Take Your Med Thread
#38

I really sort of wish you could turn off the part of your brain that desires intimacy or something. In 35 years on this earth, the entirety of my relationship experience consists of two of the most dysfunctional, messed up “relationships” one could possibly conceive that both lasted maybe a week or two each, and even the most recent one of those was about 7 years ago now.

My autism-riddled brain just doesn’t “get” dating or relationship etiquette or anything of the sort. I mean, I’ve learned how to function in a workplace setting and among close friends, so it wouldn’t be impossible to learn these things (maybe?), I just have no idea where to even start. This also isn’t made any easier by the fact that my brain really doesn’t process romantic feelings at all so I’m more after a FWB that I’m best-ish friends with than an actual relationship, if that makes any sense whatsoever. It also REALLY isn’t made any easier by the fact that any time I check online dating sites I’m too old for easily like half the people I match with.

I’ve just sort of given up on having a social life and have become more or less a shut-in, but that’s really taking a toll on even my physical health at this point.

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#39

Figuring out the “are things going fine or should I be doing something (and if so, what?)?” feelings when it comes to romantic relationships still cripples me. I know if I try too hard I’ll push people away, but I’ve never been great with the “just see how things go” tact for pretty much anything in life. I have plans/techniques to get through meetings with supervisors, for dealing with going out to dinner in public, etc. But it just seems crazy (or more so?) for romantic stuff so I’m just stuck, unable to gauge anything short of a total fuck up.

#40

:tw: I talk about suicide and alcohol abuse :tw:

Hi I’m scurvy and I have the sads. Major depressive disorder with melancholic tendency to be more precise. I also have extreme ADD, anyone who has seen me on my computer to attest to this. I also have bouts of insomnia which is caused by who the hell knows.

I’ve gone through about 5 or so medications over the years. I was a Ritalin kid, which not only made me drop weight like a rock, it made me prone to violence, getting me kicked out of 2 schools.

School was about as well as it could’ve gone for someone who had absolutely zero social skills going into 5th grade. I got lucky since I mostly just kept to myself and more or less learned how to not be noticed.

College just completely broke me as a human and that was the first major blow up I had in almost 6 years, threatening homicide and suicide because of my unhinged mental state and perceived betrayal of the social circle I was in. It was all I had, since I was skipping my classes just so I could feel like a person who was liked.

As the years went on my outbursts turned more and more inward, turning to getting shitfaced whenever I could. It even affected my work since I had an hour lunch at the call center I was working at at the time, and I would go to one of the many bars, get drunk, and come back just to get through the shift. I realized that I couldn’t keep this up and got out of that job as soon as I could.

The last job I had was my first management job and I was not in the correct environment at all. I ended up attempting suicide via sleeping pills and alcohol. When they didn’t knock me out like I thought, I did the clearly best option possible, I drove to work and worked my shift, closing. At least I got a really good night’s sleep when I got home.

I am supposed to be on lexapro, but like the therapy I went to, it was short lived as I just couldn’t even care enough to go to therapy or take my meds. I was on them long enough to realize that I’m trans, which explains where some of that self loathing comes from.

I still suck at self care really hard, like… I don’t even feel comfortable sharing the details on how badly I neglect myself.

I also don’t think I’m capable of loving or being loved, outside of family and friends. I love them a lot. I mean like, romantic love. I think love would be nice, but I feel that I’m just too messed up to love someone or let them love me. I get attached super easy to women who show me any sort of positive emotion and it’s destroyed friendships. So I just try to keep it to a minimum if I can.

Pluses though, I don’t drink hardly at all anymore. Only socially, and I haven’t been wasted in over a year now. I’m pursuing my dream of voice acting, and I have a part time job that I don’t actively dread. I know I’m trans and when I have money I can get electrolysis to get rid of my facial hair. Can’t think of much else though.

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#41

So, I’ve been lurking on this thread since the OP. And since I gotta wait 40 mins for my bus I’ll go on and talk a little bit about myself.

First of all this is like the 4th time I try to post. Always give up and delete it all. Is this THE ONE? let the bus decide!

I’m Neru, about to be 26, non 1st world citizen, though a cis white male.
I’ve had depression, borderline, bipolar and some other disorders that come with the package since forever. I remember my mom saying once that since 3 I’ve been prone to stay in the corner and look sad.

I have a pretty big history with my mental health, have hit the bottom of depression 3 times, and attempted suicide over 10 times.

Today I feel like I have sealed the biggest demon out of my mind, after some years of meds and lots of willpower. Most problems still linger but I feel like someone new today.

Maybe I’ll tell my story with details later. Always wanted to be a writer.

I’ve learned that mental problems are like an addiction. It will never go away forever, and ever if you can win, every day feeling good is just one more day. One slip can crumble it all. So I try to keep it one day at a time.

Never stop fighting my beautiful people. Our mind knows our weaknesses, so it’s a hard fight. Never stop nonetheless. You can always win this.

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#42

How do folks cope when someone important, someone you really rely on, has to be out of your life for while? My best friend/partner/occasional-housemate is going overseas for a month, and I already know the loneliness is going to suck. But the scary thing is that my routine, something that has largely let me get some traction in life in the past few years, is going to be completely up in the air. I get confused/forgetful very easily and having someone to check in with about “what was the plan for dinner again?” or “did I already buy more X this week or did I just think I did?” was vital. Sure, I can still send her a facebook message but with different time-zones and not being around the house… it is not really the same at all. I had hoped my other friend would be able to check in with me once or twice a week, but I had kind of built that up in my mind rather than checking - they can’t even see me once this week, and I was already aware of how busy they were.

TL:DR How does one cope with someone you rely on being out of the country for a month and the disruption to your routine that this causes?

#43

So I got kicked out of my Mother-in-laws house a few months back, so I haven’t been living with my wife for a while, and I barely get to see her. So I totally understand, I rely on my wife for a lot.

So for eating, I often forget to eat, I just don’t notice that I get hungry, and my wife helped out with that. What I do is whenever I think about her, I try to think of everything she does for me and think if I should be doing any of that right now. It’s been working for me.

I don’t know how bad you are though. I can mostly function on my own, just having someone around helps a lot. Good luck.

#44

Thanks @vifs I’ll give that a go. I’ve pre-loaded my calendar with food options and times too so hopefully I won’t lose track of eating too badly. I appreciate hearing your perspective too.

#45

If anyone in here is playing Night in the Woods, it’s extremely good but it gets pretty heavy at times. You might want to maybe take regular breaks if something comes up that’s rough for you.

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#46

I am literally downloading it right now, thanks for the heads up :slight_smile:

#47

Yeah there’s nothing like, explicit in it but some of the dialogue gets pretty deep into some stuff. And I personally identified extremely strongly with the feeling of coming home from college after bad experiences and not having anything to do with myself, but I didn’t even have childhood friends to fall back on because my mom had moved out of my childhood town, and the feelings associated with being an adult and also not feeling like an adult at all. Which I still have, and I’m in my 30s now.

The game made me squirm but it was cathartic, overall.

Like I said, there’s nothing really explicit, it was more just me identifying strongly with certain characters and themes in the game and it exhausted me emotionally at times.

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#48

Hopping in this pool. I’m Jennifer and I’ve had a nice cocktail of anxiety and major depression for most of my life, caused and exacerbated by C-PTSD and chronic physical health issues: mostly an incurable anemia-- think Sickle Cell but less painful. All these issues combined form a terrible Captain Planet that’s left me on Disability because I exist in that weird grey area of able to work, but not able to work full time/enough to support myself.

The Disability Saga has become a thing of its own, as problems with it and Social Security in general have been dominating my life for about a year now. I’ll talk if people are interested, but it’s mostly just bureaucratic drama.

Also:

Big time. My anemia puts me in about the same camp as someone with Sickle Cell or Chronic Fatigue Disorder, but I’ve internalized this idea that my life’s value is directly correlated to my ability to work (thanks, abusive upbringing). The disconnect there has caused many a terrible thought.

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#49

Let’s see if I actually post this this time. I’m Rudje, I’m a big gay bag of gender confusion that defaults to “girl I guess” and I have severe ADHD and crippling social anxiety and major depression from the ADHD/school bullying! also epilepsy, even if I haven’t seized in a while. fingers crossed The time since the US election results were announced has basically been an adventure in slowing watching myself slide deeper into depression as things go to hell. It’s not been great, but it’s been worsened because I also have migraines partially triggered by stress (…which I figured out when I left school and basically stopped getting them all the goddamn time) and those have been popping up again.

Painfully so; I’m horribly aware that stressing out over what I can and can’t do only makes things worse, but god if that helps at all, especially when I’m down three meds I need to be a functional adult (literally can’t afford them, which is a problem when one is for epilepsy and not affording it means not driving which means no job which means not affording it which…). Internalized capitalist bullshit is a hell of a thing. vOv Still learning to not be a total ass to myself when I don’t do things perfectly, which is tough.

Sorry if this is disjointed, I typed and retyped this over several hours.

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#50

hi i am voltcatfish and i’m diagnosed with depression…my therapist thinks i’m on the autism spectrum too, but hasn’t tested me for reasons. I’ve always struggled with uncontrollable anger that my therapist doesn’t seem to want to explore with me…my mother and my grandmother are both diagnosed bipolar but I’ve not been diagnosed with it and am not entirely sure if I have it or not.

some days it’s really, really hard to stop being destructively angry at everything and I think I only manage to deal with it by trying my best to ignore it which is almost certainly a really bad thing for all people in my personal life involved

i’m wondering if maybe i should just start looking for a new therapist at this point…

#51

Anyone that wants to tie any sort of benefit to having a job is a fucking dipshit and deserves a brick to their fucking teeth.

Work is not a moral good. Having the ability to work is not a moral good. Means testing and job requirements are the capitalist’s excuse to devalue human life and to justify not taking care of people who need help.

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