Week 80: LEST JIMMY STANDING 2020
This Saturday we got another of them “PPVs”
Fuck it’s already our 20th PPV. Or Special Event as I call them sometimes. I dunno, I’m not consistent about this.
#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
Florida Man attempts to fight ASS at wrestling show. Ring explodes?
Arcade Legend ASS (“c”) vs. Florida Man
It’s a shame Florida man is so tough and doesn’t care too much about getting dropped on a toaster, otherwise ASS would have won. Instead we got the explosion!
#2 Seven Deadly Pins
This features former Bunny Champs only!
Mr. Shakedown vs. Anna May vs. Manic Misanthrope vs. Palpatine vs. Suzan Blades vs. Roy vs. Hellranger Flamander vs. Fomore (c)
A who’s who of OHPW Bunny Title history. Notably absent are Black and VACANT as the longest reigning champs. But this match still had the action to befit the lineage of a title that no longer exists. The final three were Mr. Shakedown, Suzan Blades and Flamander. And it could have been any of them. But Flamander, who entered last, was also the last one still in the ring and our new deadliest pinner.
#3 Singles Match
After last week Skullistair deserves to kill the business… or a discarded aspect of Dash.
Skullistair vs. A single Husk of Dash chosen by Dash Rendar
It looked at first as though Skullistair would not be able to get revenge for uh… having to fight four of these fucks. But in the end everything came up Milhouse and the Husk stayed down. We did not feel a strong 9 to a light 10 on this one, though. Dash isn’t worth that.
#4 Singles Match
They met before. Just not one on one.
Undeddie Guerrero vs. Family Man
Undeddie wins the match with a Frog Splash! I was feeling a strong 9 to a light 10 on that one cause it’s bone hurting juice.
#5 Singles Match
IGgy sacrifices himself to find a way to not book Dash vs. Vacation Skeleton
Dash Rendar vs. IGgy IGsen
IGgy the coward was too drunk to fight, so instead made IGgy fight for him… wait what? Ah well. Time is bullshit. Dash that fucker won, though.
#6 Legion Tag Championships
Thunder and Lightning have been more on their own lately, finally back as a unit!
SHA-MO vs. School of Slam (c)
This almost became the slamfest that it needed to be but then Muscle Wizard had to anticlimactically end the match.
#7 Darkweight Championship
Man, Kelsey’s been slaughtering in her last match. But could we see a return of Deathmatch Kayu?
Kelsey Slaughter vs. Kayu Zakisaka (c)
Kelsey wanted to play by her rules so she introduced explosions and barbed wire boards to the match. However, Kayu just continued wrestling a normal match, not giving Kelsey much of a chance to get going. Kayu retains the Darkweight once more.
Video Package: Life and Times of Angus McMutton
#8 Lest Jimmy Standing Match
Seven. That’s all Angus wants, to get VACANT down for a count of Seven to get back the G. Maybe he can make it ten.
An(g)us McMutton vs. VACANT
Angus goes down! 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… and he’s up. VACANT is down! 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… SEVEN! Angus does it. He accomplished his goal. Although, when he went down again it was for the count of ten he still did it. VACANT wins the match. Angus wins the G.
#9 Hellweight Championship
Pantha has the longest Hellweight Reign but Grace needs one more win to match it. There could be no better opponent.
Pantha vs. Grace Thoruson (c)
They were doin the moves. The Pantha Claws, the Saving Graces. It took two Saving Graces for Pantha to stay down. Grace wins and matches Panthas reign. Whether she can surpass it is something we’ve yet to see.
