Week 79: NOW book me, coward!
And here we go! Match card for this week. And next week, we’ll have a PPV. Just don’t know what to call it yet? Mmmh, let’s hope something happens on the show that gives it a name.
#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
It’s like these get more and more high profile
Arcade Legend ASS (“c”) vs. Boob Marley
Unfortunate. This match was even. They traded offense back and forth. But it went to 15 Minutes and the explosion happened. Boob was able to get back up after but I don’t think this is the last we’ve heard of the legendary Boob vs. ASS match-up.
#2 Singles Match
Fuck him up, Skullistair!
Skullistair vs. The Collective Conscience of Dash Rendar*
Oof. As it turns out “The Collective Conscience of Dash Rendar” technically refers to any combination of Dashes and our Dash Prime didn’t even show up. Skullistair got screwed on this one. There wasn’t much they could do. I’m pretty sure this is not the last we’ve seen of this either.
Scene: Grace enters the ring and demands to be booked. IGgy shows up and says no. But then changes his mind and books himself against Grace. He promptly uses and even has his own finisher done against him. This was a light workout for Grace. Probably didn’t break a sweat.
#3 Singles Match
The flyin’ kid against an old homeless guy
Danny V5 vs. Hobo One Kevodki
This is a bit of an undercard sleeper hit. They did their things and Danny even managed to pull off the V5 for the win (after whiffing it once, but hey, you gotta make mistakes too!)
#4 Three-Way (Elimination)
There’s a non-zero percent chance that there will be blood with Kelsey, a guy called Pig Destroyer and a giant baby bird.
Quackenduckboy Jr. vs. Pig Destroyer vs. Kelsey Slaughter
This match ended up being Kelsey’s. She eliminated the Duckboy by actually slaughtering him with Prey Slaughtered. She then moved on to do Prey Slaughtered for the three count on Pig Destroyer too.
#5 Singles Match
This is mainly to see if the Tiny Titan can lift the Thicc Titan. (Spoiler: Yes)
Isabel Ibarra vs. Ricc 2 Thicc
Although Isabel could not defeat Ricc 2 Thicc this time I’d say this is still a defining match for her. Not only could she keep up but we all believed that she could do it right until the end. She whiffed a dive, though, welcime to the dive-whiff club my friend. Toilet’s in the back!
#6 Singles Match
Oh shit! Angus sure has climbed the card! He even gets a Vacation Skeleton match.
Angus McMutton vs. Vacation Skeleton
Oh wow. These just went. We don’t often see Vacation Skeleton give it this much of an effort and it’s been a while since Angus had a really close match. Angus seals the deal with a Ripcord Tru Bru, retaining the cvrsed vnsactioned Pokeymanz Title.
Scene: Angus cut this promo in his native tongue, scottish. It has been translated, here’s the most important bits: Angus recounts the bumpy road he took to get here, how he gave up the rights to the letter g and became Anus McMutton (OHPW does not recognize this in all materials, he’s usually billed as Angus but his nameplate when entering says Anus.) But things are looking up for him, he’s on a winning streak. He announces that it’s finally time to take back the letter G. And what better way to do this than to Challenge Vacant to a Lest Jimmy Standin(g) (Last Man Standing) match. He got him to the count of 6 before. All he wants is to do better than that. He wants to keep VACANT down until the count of 7 to prove that he is better now than when he fell into this void.
#7 Legion Tag Championship
RBF are goin’ back to school. And this time they try to beat it up.
Real Beer Float vs. School of Slam (c)
Real Beer Float have been humbled. By Sadim’s Humblemaker. Just how it is. SoS prove to be more formidable champions than the last time they held the titles.
