Week 60: HELLFIRE
It’s getting exciting! This show we’ll see the rest of the Tournament. Round 3, or The Hateful Eight as I like to call it. Then The semifinals wich uh… let’s go with “Deadly Four” and at last the Finals. Now, who will make it to the finals this time is up in the air. Out of the four Round 3 match-ups only one has what could be considered an obvious winner. And even here we can’t be sure as Boob Marley made it as far as he did despite the odds. EGO and Lea stood in his way and he made it past them. But now he’s facing Suzan.
Meanwhile. Black vs. Flamander is probably a match you don’t remember happening but it happened on Episode 16 when Black defeated Flamander in 11:29 Minutes. No guarantee of that happening again.
Suzan Blades and Malfest Goat-Monster, on the other hand, have never faced off before. It’s impossible to tell who will win but my guess is it will be fast either way. The last time I said this the match lasted almost an hour. Let’s hope this isn’t the case here. Only in the interest of time, of course.
Finally, we have Arcade Legend ASS vs. Grace Thoruson. ASS defeatedPantha in the first round in a huge upset. Grace, in a similarly surprising way, defeated Freddie Hope. Now, people watching OHPW might not realize it but when we call Freddie Hope a legend we absolutely mean it. He saved the freaking moon once and Grace beat him. I’d put that on a level with defeating the former Hellweight Champion Pantha. Freddie, as a former LPFWA Champion and Saviour of the Moon (along with Flamander, they were different times) is equally decorated, if not moreso.
After that? Aside from the fact that there will be a Rumble featuring everybody who didn’t make it to the finals the card is yet to be determined as we don’t know who’s winning these matches above yet. But here is the card as it currently stands:
#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
Suman (“c”) vs. Hobo One Kevodki
Suman just can’t catch a break. Gets his face eaten by Hobo and then Hobo wins too.
Scene: The remaining eight of the tournament share a few thoughts on how they see it going.
#2 Hellfire Tournament Round 3
Black vs. Hellranger Flamander
Flamander does the thing where he suddenly starts wrecking everything and beats Black.
#3 Hellfire Tournament Round 3
Arcade Legend ASS vs. Grace Thoruson
Probably MOTY for me. Grace targets ASS’ leg all the way through the match and ASS retaliates with explosive offense. But it ends when Grace locks in a Modified Single Leg Boston Crab (The one we also call the Carbonated Footprint).
#4 Hellfire Tournament Round 3
Harmony vs. Boob Marley
It shouldn’t come as much of a shock to hear that Harmony won this one but it almost seemed like this match was going to Boob for a bit when he kept locking in the Sunken Chest and other big moves.
#5 Hellfire Tournament Round 3
Suzan Blades vs. Malfest Goat-Monster
I expected short but intense burst of violence. But it ended in a regular MGM. That is a cutter. It didn’t even come outta nowhere. It came from somewhere, clearly, and we all saw it.
#6 VACANT Bunny Challenge :3
Super Samio vs. VACANT
Samio makes sure to at least be remembered as the one who gave VACANT hell but in the end that’s all she did before VACANT overpowered her.
Scene: The Fun Gang come out and Vacation Skeleton introduces their new member: Fomore. Then The Dashes enter and Dashosphere taunts Fomore and demands to face Vacation Skeleton. Fomore denies this and attacks. E1M1 starts playing. Sometimes RNG is great.
#7 Dash’s Dumb “Grudge” Match
The Fun Gang (+ Mystery Person) vs. The Dashosphere and its Husks
This must have been very disappointing for Dash. Not only did he barely touch Vacation Skeleton he also lost.
#8 Hellfire Tournament Semi-Finals
Winner of #3 vs. Winner of #5
Grace vs. Malfest Goat-Monster - She somehow pulled through, Grace somehow did it and defeated Goat-Monster. She had to pull out all the stops, though.
#9 Hellfire Tournament Semi-Finals
Winner of #2 vs. Winner of #4
Flamander vs. Harmony - I could see this going either way. And it went by fast. Flamander defeats the Hellweight champ. Though, this was no title match, he is now eligible for one.
#10 Hellfire Rumble
Featuring everyone from the Tournament who didn’t make it to the finals. All 30 of them.
Well… fuck… uh… here’s the log from the game/mod, I guess.
DivineCoffeeBinge & Supreme Sadim start things off.
Entrant #3: Anus McMutton entered at 2:00.
Entrant #4: Hayley Simmons entered at 4:00.
Entrant #5: EGO entered at 6:00.
ELIMINATION # 1: DivineCoffeeBinge eliminated by Supreme Sadim at 7:35
Entrant #6: Koji Kojinaka entered at 12:00.
Entrant #7: Mina Park entered at 14:00.
ELIMINATION # 2: Mina Park eliminated by Supreme Sadim at 14:02
Entrant #8: Apollo entered at 16:00.
ELIMINATION # 3: Apollo eliminated by Supreme Sadim at 16:02
Entrant #9: Harmony・Gray entered at 17:00.
ELIMINATION # 4: Supreme Sadim eliminated by Anus McMutton at 17:29
Entrant #10: Hobo One Kevodki entered at 18:00.
ELIMINATION # 5: Hayley Simmons eliminated by Harmony・Gray at 18:55
Entrant #11: Arcade Legend ASS entered at 19:00.
Entrant #12: Freddie Hope entered at 20:00.
Entrant #13: Black entered at 21:00.
ELIMINATION # 6: Anus McMutton eliminated by Arcade Legend ASS at 22:31
Entrant #14: Manic・Misanthrope entered at 25:00.
ELIMINATION # 7: EGO eliminated by Manic・Misanthrope at 27:41
ELIMINATION # 8: Hobo One Kevodki eliminated by Arcade Legend ASS at 29:25
Entrant #15: Malfest Goat-Monster entered at 30:00.
ELIMINATION # 9: Harmony・Gray eliminated by Freddie Hope at 31:19
Entrant #16: Vacation Skeleton entered at 32:00.
ELIMINATION # 10: Black eliminated by Vacation Skeleton at 33:05
Entrant #17: Ricc 2 Thicc entered at 34:00.
ELIMINATION # 11: Freddie Hope eliminated by Manic・Misanthrope at 34:32
Entrant #18: Ryu entered at 35:00.
ELIMINATION # 12: Manic・Misanthrope eliminated by Koji Kojinaka at 36:29
Entrant #19: Suzan Blades entered at 37:00.
Entrant #20: Canada Alderman entered at 39:00.
ELIMINATION # 13: Arcade Legend ASS eliminated by Vacation Skeleton at 40:19
ELIMINATION # 14: Koji Kojinaka eliminated by Ricc 2 Thicc at 40:34
ELIMINATION # 15: Ryu eliminated by Malfest Goat-Monster at 40:44
Entrant #21: Sheev Palpatine entered at 43:00.
ELIMINATION # 16: Malfest Goat-Monster eliminated by Ricc 2 Thicc at 43:30
Entrant #22: Pantha entered at 44:00.
Entrant #23: Boob MARLEY entered at 45:00.
Entrant #24: Midas Minoson entered at 46:00.
ELIMINATION # 17: Ricc 2 Thicc eliminated by Canada Alderman at 48:06
Entrant #25: Spitbal entered at 51:00.
ELIMINATION # 18: Vacation Skeleton eliminated by Boob MARLEY at 51:21
ELIMINATION # 19: Sheev Palpatine eliminated by Pantha at 53:06
ELIMINATION # 20: Midas Minoson eliminated by Pantha at 53:39
Entrant #26: Hiroya Egashira entered at 54:00.
ELIMINATION # 21: Canada Alderman eliminated by Boob MARLEY at 54:55
ELIMINATION # 22: Suzan Blades eliminated by Boob MARLEY at 55:22
Entrant #27: Guzma entered at 56:00.
Entrant #28: Matthew Noble entered at 57:00.
ELIMINATION # 23: Pantha eliminated by Guzma at 57:48
ELIMINATION # 24: Matthew Noble eliminated by Guzma at 57:54
Entrant #29: Lea Lionheart entered at 58:00.
ELIMINATION # 25: Boob MARLEY eliminated by Lea Lionheart at 58:35
Entrant #30: Maya Northwind entered at 59:00.
ELIMINATION # 26: Hiroya Egashira eliminated by Spitbal at 64:26
ELIMINATION # 27: Lea Lionheart eliminated by Guzma at 68:33
ELIMINATION # 28: Guzma eliminated by Maya Northwind at 70:20
ELIMINATION # 29: Spitbal eliminated by Maya Northwind at 72:25
Maya Northwind wins!
#11 Hellfire Tournament Finals
Winner of #8 vs. Winner of #9
Grace vs. Flamander. I’m not going to lie. I didn’t see Grace make it this far. I thought Freddie would stop her at the latest. When that didn’t happen I thought okay, it’s gonna be Suzan or Goat. When that didn’t come to pass I thought, whatever, anything goes. For Flamander it was almost a foregone conclusion that he’d be here. At the very least he was one of the most likely contenders. So him losing to Grace Thoruson in the finals left me speechless.
