New Forums Game: The Worst Advice!

See all of that salt on the ground? Find the biggest bag and start collecting the salt. Your going to need several tons of salt for this but trust me on this, it will make sense in the end. Next up, this is going to sound really, really wild but…

Your going to need a whale, like the biggest and freshest whale you can get. If you need help I heard one of the local sailors by the name of Ishmael will help you in the task. Seems like a cool dude when I talked to him on the phone. Once you got your fresh whale throw it on to the massive fire pit (I mentioned the part where you need to make a fire pit, right?) and pour that salt allllll over that whale to make a lovely salt crusted whale! Grab a beer with your new freind Ishmael and wait a few weeks for it to cook up. Once the whale is done cooking break the salt crust away and enjoy!

Or you get arrested for killing a whale, whichever happens first.

You win this time.

You’re going to need to a leave a lot of popcorn lying around in the streets. Then you’re going to need to construct some kind of cheap cinema for the kind of vermin that eat popcorn found on the floor, salted by rubbing it all on the floor. Nothing too fancy: a cardboard box, an old smartphone with access to a large YouTube playlist of people hitting themselves the balls or something and someone else’s WiFi ought to do. Given hopefully less time than previously projected, the salt should be picked clean off the floor.

As for the subsequent vermin problem? Seal the box.

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You actually have a business opportunity here. What you need to do is set up a restaurant that sells only salt heavy foods-potato chips, pretzels, salted caramel, and so on. Whenever you need salt, just go outside, grab some free road salt off the streets, and then use that to make your delicacies. Once you’ve used up all of the salt in the city, cash out, and sell off your restaurant to some idiot with more money than sense. You’ll walk away with a whole lot of money and no salt on the streets, while the idiot will be stuck with a failing restaurant that has an unsustainable business model.

Salt is made out of sodium and chlorine combining their elements. One is a metal that explodes when exposed to water. The other is a gas that is heavier than air and suffocates people to death in addition to being unfriendly to human skin. Express your displeasure with salt being everywhere by planting time-release boxes of sodium in the water supply while flooding the city with chlorine gas. Then release a manifesto demanding that next year they not make such of a mess and force them to agree when you bring society to its knees with your acts of destruction.

FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COURT, AT THE BUZZER, SHE SHOOTS!

Okay Fefnir what you’re gonna wanna do is start building a huge ark. Once you’re done building the ark you’re gonna need to get two of each animal, male and female, and put them in there.
Then you’re gonna need to get your wife, who is also your cousin, and your children and some of your other relatives and put them on the ark.
Then God will flood the earth and wash all the salt away and you can repopulate humanity with a handful of your direct relatives and yet somehow maintain the extensive amount of genetic and racial diversity on earth. Oh, you’ll have to do this after God dismisses the flood.

Oh and no I don’t know how you stay fed and hydrated, same for the animals. Life… uh… finds a way.

So you can check and see through the edit history that the ability to make single choice polls is not working through me via the build poll tool. I even made a thread about it. But I looked up the forums code and I’m gonna brute force it.

[poll]

  • LoakaMossi: Summon more snow to cover the salt with this witches spell.
  • spaceyroach: Buy a bunch of horses to lick up the salt.
  • Grasslamb: Collect all the salt, get a whale, delicious fish fry.
  • Mas: Just pour popcorn all over the ground, play some videos of people getting hit in the balls on an old smart phone, the white working class will take it from there.
  • ratwithscarf: Start a restaurant with salty food faire. Use the salt off the ground. When it’s gone, sell and run.
  • HostileV: Release sodium into the water supply and chlorine into the air and terrorize the city with chemistry. Threaten to do it again next year if they don’t knock it off.
  • Jenner: Do the Noah thing and trust in God. PS: The Bible is bullshit.[/poll]

That worked, it still sucks that the tool doesn’t work but whatever.

Seems you can trick it into letting you insert it if you change the poll type and then change it back.

Alternatively, just break out the old [poll] tags and put a * or - before every line.

  • I have a cat.
  • It goes meow.

0 voters

(This is the part where the preview betrays me, isn’t it)

I brute forced it using forums code and now everyone can vote to continue the game. However, it won’t let me vote in the lovely poll you made.

Anyway, y’all should vote and we can troubleshoot this in the thread I made in site feedback.

That’s just because I’d closed it. The only thing broken is my decision making.

This is a really hard choice because I have to choose whether I have a cat or if she says meow.

It’s BOTH. Poll so hard.

@Mas won! I’m really glad this game is continuing on. :3: Let us know your problem when you’re ready Mas!

The alarms in my phone are definitely working.

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Ah, nuts. I was supposed to come second.

I have three cats and each likes one while hating the other - nobody wins. What can I do to make this feline love-hate triangle better?

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You know, I had this same problem with my three cats. I decided to serve as a relationship counselor for them, but I felt they would respond better to a counselor they could relate to, you know?

So, what I did was I built a robot cat (actually, I kidnapped a Russian scientist and made him build one, but details…) and put my brain inside of it.

They hated robot kitty me and I was the subject of many brutal hisses and clawings. Though, in a way, my plan did end up working because I gave them a common enemy to bring them closer together.

The only drawback is that I could never switch my brain back so now I am cat forever.

Still, I would highly recommend doing the same.

3 Likes

Ah the classic BvS: Dawn of Justice problem.

What you got to do is splice something one of the cats killed with some alien DNA, throw in some shotty CGI, and then drag the damn thing out for 3 hours. In the end, the cats will form an alliance, but one of them will be dead until the other 2 cats form a questionable Justice League of Cats.

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You see this as a problem, but me? I see it as an opportunity. You’ve got here three healthy, hale cats with a lot of aggression to work out. So, what you need to do is legitimise this violence into something profitable. Hire a TV crew, producer, director, cameramen, set designers, the works. Now you want to build yourself a big old fighting ring (or square or octagon or whatever), put the cats inside and film the result. Once that pilot episode takes off (which it will) you can use that cash to hire more cats (let’s call them talent from here on out) and build your brand new furry federation into a real media monster.

That’s right, I’m talking about making your very own Worldwide Wrestling Felines.

4 Likes

Being the newest cat in Cat Highschool hard, you have to deal with the change in cat culture compared to one they lived in before they moved. Thankfully the clique are always the same like the Naynletes, the Gotchirr, the Catnip Heads, (gag me with a spoon) the Meweeks with the Popurrlator Girls will anyways at the top of the food chain. What you need to do is have your cat befriend a plucky group of outcast so they can go on wacky and zandy adventures learning the meaning of friendship and enjoying their last year at Cat Highschool.

Then Cat Prom will come and the CUTEST CAT in school will ask them out despite the fact she’s a total dweeb. Give your cat the makeover of a lifetime. We’re talking full blown make over here with hair, clothing, makeup, and whatever come to your mind during the fashion montage. They will no longer but a nerdy cat but so beautiful young cat that everyone will stop and stare at her. Beauty is on the inside as well as the outside! When they crown her Cat Prom Queen they the other cats have to befriend her!

I saw it in a movie once, it will totally work. Sorry about getting you arrested for the whale fry thing.

3 Likes

Two words: Cat BDSM. Get them to channel their aggression into an appetite for sexual desire so they’ll just fuck the next time they want to fight. Upside: less destructive, less noisy. Downside: unless your cats are spayed and neutered, you’re gonna be knee-deep in kittens. Further upside: people want to buy kittens.

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The real solution is to hire an exorcist to remove the bad spirits from your home that must be causing your cats to quarrel. Then learn Feng Shui and rearrange your home to create good energy and foster harmony in your home. If neither of that works hire an animal therapist to work out these issues between your cats.

If that doesn’t work just get a fourth cat so they pair off.

Cats, huh? I don’t know a lot about cats. I’ve heard you can put them in separate rooms and introduce them slowly, but who has the time. I recently watched an educational program called Dragon Ball Z and they did something with a big room called the hyperbolic time chamber. Put your cats in that. They will work out their problems in the span of an hour, but it will feel like centuries or something to them. I think? I didn’t pay that close attention and I don’t know anything about cats.

It’s that time again and wow this game is moving like clockwork now that I’ve set those alarms in my phone. (Though it was a little hard to get out of bed this time…) Let’s get to It!

[poll]

  • spaceyroach: Build a robot cat, put your brain inside of it, and unite your cats against a common enemy as they hate the robot.
  • That_Good_Good_Chris: Splice something the cats killed with some alien DNA, add CGI, waste people’s time for 3 hours, Justice League of Cats!
  • Wordybird: Hire a TV crew, a producer, director, camera man, the works. Build a ring. Televise World Wrestling Felines.
  • Grasslamb: Cat Highschool is hard! But after befriending a plucky group of outcasts, a few zany adventures, your cat will be asked out by the cutest cat in school. Give your cat a make over and watch her become Cat Prom Queen! Now that she’s popular, the other cats will befriend her.
  • HostileV: Cat BDSM. Channel their aggression into some kinky hatefucking. Now they’re not fighting anymore.
  • Jenner: Hire an exorcist to banish the spirits, feng shui your house for good energy, hire a cat therapist if that doesn’t work. …or just get a 4th cat so they pair off.
  • Shmoo: Put those cats in a hyperbolic time chamber and they will work out their problems in a matter of moments. (It’ll seem like centuries to them.)[/poll]