Welcome back to our annual bone-chilling Halloween special! Alaina teaches us about graveyard traditions, haunted theaters, and the dark beginnings of farmers only dot com in the state of Indiana. Enjoy the season of spookums!
I re-listened to the Fan Content episode of Sex Archie and I have a new grievance: how does anybody fall off Rainbow Road on the N64 version of Mario Kart? The entire track is lined with walls, you could only fall off if you actively tried to jump off at the start of a lap. The author clearly has not properly researched their Mario Kart history for the story. I will not speculate on whether the author simply reached for Mario Kart and the N64 as two items beloved by mid-20-somethings to early 30-somethings, however this is quite suspicious. Hmph.
Also, totally agreeing with Alaina’s prediction on The Guy Who Shot My Dad.
Welcome to Sex Archie: The Riverdale Recap Podcast
This episode covers Chapter 16: The Watcher in the Woods by Ross Maxwell; directed by Kevin Sullivan
Archie begins a club for service-minded young beefcake as Kevin trawls the darkness for love. The Black Hood makes his presence known while Hiram advances his plans in secret. Who mind-wiped Jughead between his first South Side enrollment and now? Does Dilton have a permit for that knife? How many musicals can we mention in one episode?
It turns out Betty inspired the whole town back at the Jubilee. Archie gets to know his neighbors better. Veronica makes the #1 design on TeeFlurry
Grant combines two of his running themes with an armed rebellion staged by an unusual Christian sect. The mid-1800s were a time of global upheaval, that in China manifested as the deadliest civil war of all time, hastening the end of the Imperial dynasties. Millions died in battle. Millions were executed by armies. Millions more died due to man-made famine. How thin is the line between a silly cult, a tragic disaster, and a new dynasty?
Sex Archie 18: Guardianship of the Beast
(CW: This episode features an attempted rape)
Something is rotten in the state of Bughead. Nick isn’t very saintly. The Hood arranges a scavenger hunt of tears. What’s your serial killer ringtone? When buying shoes to perform in, do you test kick someone in the face before leaving the store?
Prediction: it has to be Sheriff Keller because there’s no way they wouldn’t have a character say the phrase “Sheriff Killer”. But also there’s no way they wouldn’t have the killer’s identity be a Scream twist, so I can see both Cooper parents. Who else would know about Betty’s reading history?
Also, I had forgotten until last week that Alice Cooper’s name is actually Alice Cooper and everyone just went with it.
Relationships get repaired as cars head for wrecks. Ever successfully dump the guy you like, but have the crazed murderer keep clinging? Is the Sugar Man defeated by dissolution in water? Were The Ghoulies founded as a The Crow fanclub? Featuring a special appearance by Donald Duck’s emphysema suffering cousin.
Alaina’s Disney series is back with an episode on the 4th and (so far) final theme park at Walt Disney World Resort: Disney’s Animal Kingdom. Work began just after Hollywood Studios opened, and took 8 years and nearly a billion dollars to finish. Over a relatively short life this park has had it’s own share of oddities and development, growing into one of the finest park experiences anywhere. Is the direct approach the best approach to make an attraction educational? Who really owns bones? Have we all been brainwashed by Happy Meals?
Who is the Black Hood? We leave no stone unturned to find the true culprit. Listeners also contribute their own theories.
Rules for Riverdale Roulette:
-Hit random page on the Riverdale Wiki. The character or set of characters that come up is/are the Black Hood. Explain how.
-Pages for actors count as their characters.
-Re-roll on pages for places, events, episodes, or other non-characters.
This episode is a tale in three chapters. After the recap we try some Jingle Jangle and do an old-fashioned trip report. Has Archie Found his spirit animal? What terror lurks in the hearts of janitors? How many hotel rooms can one mayor have?
Me, watching Riverdale: Nah, that’s not a kill bag, he’s totally having an affair and that’s just his overnight bag that’s got clothes and a toothbrush and maybe also some sexy stuff in it. I bet they’ll probably make that joke on Sex Archie as well.
Grant: I think maybe he’s into puppy play!
Me: Wow, Grant, thank you for going directly there.
I’ll ignore how the show made a curiously specific point of showing that Sheriff Keller is not Sheriff Killer or how Josie’s muteness indicates that the Black Hood has some additional Freddy Krueger powers or how the crate is carrying artefacts and ingredients necessary to perform magical rituals by one particular Teenage Witch in Greendale and instead update my Black Hood theory.
The one character we haven’t suspected yet: Smithers. He attacked Fred in the interests of the Lodges and told Hiram, who immediately had him “go back to his home country” to remove him from even the slightest suspicion and free him up to move about Riverdale. The Serpents are jeopardised by Jingle Jangle and the crackdown it brings about, which in turn affects the Lodges, their allies; Smithers decided to eliminate all traces of it he could find, including Moose and Midge, and then the Sugar Man.
But Hiram knows that Betty, a 15 year-old, is capable of figuring out the mystery (where actual police detectives are not), so he had Smithers engage in psychological warfare, cutting her off from her friends as much as possible and trying to break her down to distract her. Similarly, when Hiram learned about Veronica’s relationship with Archie, he decided Smithers should make Archie feel emotionally vulnerable so he could more easily groom him, as if that was really necessary for someone as dumb as Archie.
All of this is playing into Hiram’s elaborate 13-dimensional chess game that he is playing for total control of Riverdale. Again, far more effort than is necessary considering how stupid and scared and haunted and psychotic the town is in equal measure, but damn if the guy doesn’t love him some chess.
Hollywood’s Golden Age was built on a particular set of conditions. Studios owned the entire chain of production, distribution, and exhibition; and what they couldn’t own, they used their influence to control. The dream factory made miracles, but it had a terrible appetite. Why are B-movies emulated, when their original purpose was to provide cheap thrills and fill holes in the schedule? What is the real price of stardom? What happens when you make art, and sell it like hog feed?
Please remember: Our next episode is in 4 weeks time, instead of the usual two. Thank you for understanding, and we’ll see you in January!
Riverdale’s hottest club is The White Worm. Founded by refugees from the Salem Witch Trials, they only serve alcohol to parties including minors. This place has everything: Retirement parties, woefully inappropriate karaoke, and the Snake Dance (that thing where you join a gang by making people old enough to be your grandpa all horny)
This episode covers Chapter 22: Silent Night, Deadly Night by Shepard Boucher; Directed by Rob Seidenglanz
The Hood is revealed! But first, Jughead takes up amateur surgery, Cheryl learns to budget, and Veronica founds a DSA chapter. Which teen strikes you as a Bernardo? Does FP buy any home decor that isn’t “as seen on TV”? How old is too old to talk about these kids?
This episode covers Archie Meets The Punisher; a comic by Batton Lash, art by John Buscema and Stan Goldberg
Twenty-three years before our beloved show hit the air, there was another experiment at mixing the Archie gang with a contemporary, gritty tone with drug trafficking, a vigilante killer, and Miss Grundy getting all horned up. This book became infamous for its cover alone, but it turns out what’s inside is REALLY DANG GOOD!
Happy New Year! Another New Year’s special, another pair of topics. First, Grant takes us back 600 years to resolve the Great Western Schism and make sure we have the proper amount of Popes. Then, Alaina tells the story of a mine disaster in Butte Montana, bookended by the labor disputes that set the stage for it, and were set off by it.
Alaina launches another series as we look at the fiasco that was the 1904 World’s Fair in St Louis, Missouri! The fiar contained many notable firsts, but was also a center of scientific racism and mismanagement. What horrors has Judy Garland been disguising all these years?
This episode covers Chapter 23: The Blackboard Jungle by Britta Lundin & Brian E. Paterson; Directed by Tim Hunter
The Cooper family grows, along with Riverdale High class sizes. Archie gets deputized. Is this the most honest buck a Blossom has ever made? What if “fantasy fulfillmen” just means birthday clown? Does Serpents & Swords suffer from caster supremacy?
Sex Archie Episode 24: Video Gigolo, Webcam Boy, Cyber-Trick
This episode covers Chapter 24: The Wrestler by Greg Murray & Devon Turner; Directed by Gregg Araki
Riverdale’s neon melodrama cuts close to home with an episode on the legacy of genocide, the destruction of racist monuments, and the appropriation of these struggles. Also, horny teens do goofy shit.