Sex Archie 18: Guardianship of the Beast
(CW: This episode features an attempted rape)
Something is rotten in the state of Bughead. Nick isn’t very saintly. The Hood arranges a scavenger hunt of tears. What’s your serial killer ringtone? When buying shoes to perform in, do you test kick someone in the face before leaving the store?
Prediction: it has to be Sheriff Keller because there’s no way they wouldn’t have a character say the phrase “Sheriff Killer”. But also there’s no way they wouldn’t have the killer’s identity be a Scream twist, so I can see both Cooper parents. Who else would know about Betty’s reading history?
Also, I had forgotten until last week that Alice Cooper’s name is actually Alice Cooper and everyone just went with it.
Sex Archie 19: Little Straws of Death
Relationships get repaired as cars head for wrecks. Ever successfully dump the guy you like, but have the crazed murderer keep clinging? Is the Sugar Man defeated by dissolution in water? Were The Ghoulies founded as a The Crow fanclub? Featuring a special appearance by Donald Duck’s emphysema suffering cousin.
History Honeys episode 40: Disney’s Animal Kingdom
Alaina’s Disney series is back with an episode on the 4th and (so far) final theme park at Walt Disney World Resort: Disney’s Animal Kingdom. Work began just after Hollywood Studios opened, and took 8 years and nearly a billion dollars to finish. Over a relatively short life this park has had it’s own share of oddities and development, growing into one of the finest park experiences anywhere. Is the direct approach the best approach to make an attraction educational? Who really owns bones? Have we all been brainwashed by Happy Meals?
Sex Archie Bonus 5: Riverdale Roulette
Who is the Black Hood? We leave no stone unturned to find the true culprit. Listeners also contribute their own theories.
Rules for Riverdale Roulette:
-Hit random page on the Riverdale Wiki. The character or set of characters that come up is/are the Black Hood. Explain how.
-Pages for actors count as their characters.
-Re-roll on pages for places, events, episodes, or other non-characters.
Sex Archie episode 20: The Reckoning is Upon Us
This episode is a tale in three chapters. After the recap we try some Jingle Jangle and do an old-fashioned trip report. Has Archie Found his spirit animal? What terror lurks in the hearts of janitors? How many hotel rooms can one mayor have?
Me, watching Riverdale: Nah, that’s not a kill bag, he’s totally having an affair and that’s just his overnight bag that’s got clothes and a toothbrush and maybe also some sexy stuff in it. I bet they’ll probably make that joke on Sex Archie as well.
Grant: I think maybe he’s into puppy play!
Me: Wow, Grant, thank you for going directly there.
I’ll ignore how the show made a curiously specific point of showing that Sheriff Keller is not Sheriff Killer or how Josie’s muteness indicates that the Black Hood has some additional Freddy Krueger powers or how the crate is carrying artefacts and ingredients necessary to perform magical rituals by one particular Teenage Witch in Greendale and instead update my Black Hood theory.
The one character we haven’t suspected yet: Smithers. He attacked Fred in the interests of the Lodges and told Hiram, who immediately had him “go back to his home country” to remove him from even the slightest suspicion and free him up to move about Riverdale. The Serpents are jeopardised by Jingle Jangle and the crackdown it brings about, which in turn affects the Lodges, their allies; Smithers decided to eliminate all traces of it he could find, including Moose and Midge, and then the Sugar Man.
But Hiram knows that Betty, a 15 year-old, is capable of figuring out the mystery (where actual police detectives are not), so he had Smithers engage in psychological warfare, cutting her off from her friends as much as possible and trying to break her down to distract her. Similarly, when Hiram learned about Veronica’s relationship with Archie, he decided Smithers should make Archie feel emotionally vulnerable so he could more easily groom him, as if that was really necessary for someone as dumb as Archie.
All of this is playing into Hiram’s elaborate 13-dimensional chess game that he is playing for total control of Riverdale. Again, far more effort than is necessary considering how stupid and scared and haunted and psychotic the town is in equal measure, but damn if the guy doesn’t love him some chess.
History Honeys episode 41: The Studio System
Hollywood’s Golden Age was built on a particular set of conditions. Studios owned the entire chain of production, distribution, and exhibition; and what they couldn’t own, they used their influence to control. The dream factory made miracles, but it had a terrible appetite. Why are B-movies emulated, when their original purpose was to provide cheap thrills and fill holes in the schedule? What is the real price of stardom? What happens when you make art, and sell it like hog feed?
Please remember: Our next episode is in 4 weeks time, instead of the usual two. Thank you for understanding, and we’ll see you in January!
Sex Archie episode 21: Brawny and Devoted
Riverdale’s hottest club is The White Worm. Founded by refugees from the Salem Witch Trials, they only serve alcohol to parties including minors. This place has everything: Retirement parties, woefully inappropriate karaoke, and the Snake Dance (that thing where you join a gang by making people old enough to be your grandpa all horny)
Sex Archie episode 22: Ho Merry Ho
This episode covers Chapter 22: Silent Night, Deadly Night by Shepard Boucher; Directed by Rob Seidenglanz
The Hood is revealed! But first, Jughead takes up amateur surgery, Cheryl learns to budget, and Veronica founds a DSA chapter. Which teen strikes you as a Bernardo? Does FP buy any home decor that isn’t “as seen on TV”? How old is too old to talk about these kids?
Sex Archie Memory Lane 4: Archie Meets The Punisher
This episode covers Archie Meets The Punisher; a comic by Batton Lash, art by John Buscema and Stan Goldberg
Twenty-three years before our beloved show hit the air, there was another experiment at mixing the Archie gang with a contemporary, gritty tone with drug trafficking, a vigilante killer, and Miss Grundy getting all horned up. This book became infamous for its cover alone, but it turns out what’s inside is REALLY DANG GOOD!
History Honeys episode 42: A Look Back at '17
Happy New Year! Another New Year’s special, another pair of topics. First, Grant takes us back 600 years to resolve the Great Western Schism and make sure we have the proper amount of Popes. Then, Alaina tells the story of a mine disaster in Butte Montana, bookended by the labor disputes that set the stage for it, and were set off by it.
History Honeys 43: The Louisiana Purchase Exposition
Alaina launches another series as we look at the fiasco that was the 1904 World’s Fair in St Louis, Missouri! The fiar contained many notable firsts, but was also a center of scientific racism and mismanagement. What horrors has Judy Garland been disguising all these years?
Sex Archie episode 23: Fascist Barbie
This episode covers Chapter 23: The Blackboard Jungle by Britta Lundin & Brian E. Paterson; Directed by Tim Hunter
The Cooper family grows, along with Riverdale High class sizes. Archie gets deputized. Is this the most honest buck a Blossom has ever made? What if “fantasy fulfillmen” just means birthday clown? Does Serpents & Swords suffer from caster supremacy?
Us playing with OneShot on Twitch! www.twitch.tv/videos/217689200
The NeoYear fundraiser for Trans Lifeline! secure.actblue.com/donate/neoyear
Sex Archie Episode 24: Video Gigolo, Webcam Boy, Cyber-Trick
This episode covers Chapter 24: The Wrestler by Greg Murray & Devon Turner; Directed by Gregg Araki
Riverdale’s neon melodrama cuts close to home with an episode on the legacy of genocide, the destruction of racist monuments, and the appropriation of these struggles. Also, horny teens do goofy shit.
Sex Archie Episode 25: Papa Poutine
This episode covers Chapter 25: The Wicked and the Divine by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa; directed by Rachel Talalay
Archie is a dedicated young employee, even helping his new boss dispose of some greasy leftovers. Jughead checks on how his patient has been healing. Veronica finds the Lord.
Sex Archie Episode 26: Typical Cooper House Lunacy
This episode covers Chapter 26: The Tell-Tale Heart by Michael Grassi; Directed by JuliePlec
Archie makes a choice. Mayor McCoy clears her schedule. Spring cleaning comes early to the Cooper home.
Whoops, I’ve been neglecting this thread for too long. Let’s catch up!
History Honeys 44: Four American Socialists
As people get mythologized, the ideas they had and work they did that go against the dominant narrative are left behind. In this episode, Grant takes a look at the politics of four people cast in other roles since their deaths. Does issue activism in the US lead to anti-capitalism, or the other way around? How can these beliefs create alliances when the details can be so very different? Will the FBI ever just, like, chill out?
History Honeys 45: HH Holmes
Happy Valencrimes Day! Alaina teaches us about Chicago’s famed serial killer: HH Holmes. A career swindler and criminal, Holmes left a trail of wives, properties, and bodies in his wake. The question is, how reliable are these stories, and how can we be sure when so much evidence was destroyed or lost?
History Honeys 46: Cedar Point
Grant helps us lighten up and have some fun for once! Cedar Point is one of America’s oldest and greatest amusement parks, changing and growing along with, and then setting, the trends of family entertainment. Would Boeckling recognize what’s happened to his summer resort, or feel pride at the continued reinvention? Is history cyclical no matter where you look? How many past episodes have connections to this one?
History Honeys 47: The Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire
Alaina treats herself on her birthday episode by talking about a tragic fire in the early 1900s. After the (primarily women and immigrant) workers of the New York garment industry began winning better conditions and pay, one factory lagged behind. Then, it burned down, killing 146 people in under 20 minutes. In the end, the owners made a profit on the insurance as the victims’ families were left without their income. Is preparedness a substitute for systemic prevention? How do we focus grief into action? How do you place a value on human life?
History Honeys 48: Convicts in Australia
Grant opens his horizons and shares what he’s taught himself about one of the few things he knows about Australian history: its beginnings as a penal colony. Over 80 years, on 806 ships, over 164,000 convicts were sent to the colonies of Australia, which were built on their backs. Who defines crime, and who benefits from it? How does a nation’s founding legend shape its identity? Did they earn more than an expunged record?
Sex Archie Bonus 6: The Musical
With Riverdale’s February break nearly over, we look ahead to the most anticipated event in television history: Riverdale High’s production of Carrie: The Musical! We break down the casting notice and cast bios, then discuss what we think each kid used for their audition pieces.
Sex Archie 27: Kisses to All
This episode covers Chapter 27: The Hills Have eyes; by Ross Maxwell, directed by David Katzenberg
Our heroes test their unbreakable bonds on a remote retreat, the rest of the teens discover that life goes on without them. Was Cheryl’s bombshell a dud? Is anyone telling Kevin the truth? HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS NEW MOVIE “LOVE, SIMON”!?
Sex Archie 28: War Baby
This episode covers Chapter 28: There Will be Blood by Aaron Allen, directed by Mark Piznarski
Everyone references their favorite Robert Redford movies as it’s time to pick a new mayor. Meanwhile, the Blossom fortune is divided and the Lodges’ secret comes out.
Sex Archie 29: Exasperated Grunt
This episode covers Chapter 29: Primary Colors by James DeWille; directed by Sherwin Shilati
Veronica runs for office. Archie runs his mouth. Cheryl runs for cover.
Sex Archie 30: God and Gucci Willing
This episode covers Chapter 30: The Noose Tightens by Britta Lundin & Brian E. Paterson; directed by Alexis Ostrander
Nana Rose and young love will not die. Archie’s loyalty and arm will not bend. Alice’s house and eyebrows will not fall.
History Honeys 49: Live-Action Disney Films of the 1950s
Alaina turns her Disney series toward the company’s best known product! Well, maybe second-best-known. Following tentative steps, an accounting issue led to the studio’s first entirely live-action films, establishing some trends that have fallen away, and others that have continued for nearly 70 years. Are today’s teen Disney stars the last echo of the old studio system? What is lost in the selective memory of media? How much room is there for art on an assembly line?
History Honeys 50: Charles Guiteau and Leon Czolgosz
In 1881, a man killed the President of the United States. In 1901, another man killed another President of the United States. Grant teaches us about these two: their motivations, their preparations, their trials, and the effects of their acts. Is assassination a part of American politics? How do such different people meet at the same conclusion?
Bonus episode: C2E2 2018
Our annual trip to our local comic (and etc.) convention was a great time, and we’d like to share it with you! Here’s what we saw, did, and bought at 2018’s Chicago Comic and Entertainment Expo.
History Honeys 51: Girl Scouts of the USA
Founded by Juliette Gordon Low in 1912, Girl Scouts of the USA has become “the world’s preeminent organization dedicated solely to girls”. As a lifetime member, Alaina tells us about Juliette Gordon Low’s life, the development of the program, and the current challenges they face. Also, cookies. When does an organization develop past its roots? How do two very similar programs take such different stances to the changing times?
History Honeys 52: Surrealism
As Dada began to burn itself out in the 1920s, a splinter movement rose from within: Surrealism. What we know now as an art movement began as a mode of thought, a philosophy, a practice. In this episode Grant teaches us about their goals, their political program, and where they all went once the band broke up. Can you exercize control over a movement meant to break boundaries and hierarchies? Is the most famous surrealist the worst at Surrealism? Which art movement would win in a fight?
Bonus episode: Firsthand Cedar Point
After learning about the nealry 150 year history of Cedar Point, we went there ourselves! In this bonus episode, we talk about the rides we experienced, the places we shopped, and the things we saw on our trip!
History Honeys 53: The Woman’s Building at the 1893 World’s Fair
Alaina returns to another small piece of 1893’s Columbian Exposition, and look at the Woman’s Building. Designed and decorated by trailblazing women, and filled with work and exhibits by women from around the world, it was one of the most popular buildings at the fair. The fair also hosted the World’s Congress of Representative Women, a week-long convention on women’s issues and a landmerk in early feminist history. Did it fulfill its purpose? Who benefited the most? What can women’s movements today learn from the successes and mistakes of 1893?
History Honeys 54: Operation Ajax
In the last days of the English empire, the people of Iran wanted to shake off the economic imperialism of British Petroluem. The movement spread, and the Americans got involved to defend the status quo. Grant teaches us about the factions in play, the tactics used, and the beginning of the US’s policy of regime change. When has imperialism improved the lives of people living under it? How can we accept the narrative that inciting chaos creates stability? Who’s next?
History Honeys 55: Guinness World Records
When you want to learn the best, the biggest, the most, there’s one resource that stands above the rest. Alaina teaches us the origin and developmentof the Guinness World Records, with a look at the lives of the founders and some large-scale failed attempts. How do you balance accuracy, reliability, and responsibility? What drives people to be the best at something? Are all our episodes this sumer going to be about people who hate the Irish?
History Honeys 56: The Voyage of the Damned
Grant tells us the story of the MS St Louis’s cruise in the spring of 1939. A cruise ship filled with 937 passengers left Nai Germany to escape persecution. In the end, most of them returned to it. How do you recognize a genocide before active extermination begins? What is stopping us from caring for those in danger? What does this have to do with 2018 America?
Bonus: Supplemental 2
This supplemental episode is a collection of bloopers, digressions, and other outtakes from almost the entire run of our show so far. Enjoy this collection of things we consider good enough to keep, even if they didn’t quite fit in the episodes they were recorded for.
History Honeys 57: Live-Action Disney Films of the 1960s
Alaina picks up from where a recent episode left off, and continues the story of Disney’s live-action productions through the 1960s. We spend our time following the lives and careers of recurring talent, as well as the films themselves and the trends they set. How many films did it take to pay for the enduring classics? How profitable does a star need to be to evade studio control? What size tennis shoes did the computer wear?
History Honeys 58: PBS
In this episode, Grant talks about the United States’ Public Broadcasting Service, the most trusted institution in the country. A need for non-commercial programming became a need for a federally-supported structure, which quickly became a national treasure. How does the profit motive shape content? What will it take for public broadcasting to continue? How much time could we spend just reminiscing?
It’s time for a new season of Riverdale, and a new batch of weekly Sex Archie episodes!
Sex Archie 36: He’s Real, the Gargoyle King
This episode covers Chapter 36: Labor Day by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa; directed by Kevin Sullivan
Riverdale returns to all the high stakes it left off on… by skipping three months. Archie prepares for the future. Betty finds religion. Jughead picks up his best friend. Have these kids been breaking the law so often they have no idea how it even works anymore?