The Conspiracy Theory and Quackery Thread! Open ye Dung Gates!

mock
conspiracy
discussion

#1

Life got you down? Need to EXPLAIN why the world is so fucked up and weird? Why not turn to extremely iIllogical, convoluted conspiracies!! Have some reiki done to you (by a lady who looks like Deanna Troi from Star Trek) and heal thyself. It’s not that the world is fucked up, the whole world’s a stage! Everything bad is actually a “false flag” operation! The world is actually controlled by Jews and the Holocaust didn’t REALLY happen! A One World Government is just around the corner! The earth is fuckin flat, fam. And Chemtrails are DEMONIC.

Please post and discuss your favorite conspiracy theories or general quackery!

Rules:

  • Try not to engage the weirdos who believe this stuff. Leave em alone to be weirdos. Unless they’re Nazis, then punch them. But anyway, let’s not make this a “I had a big argument on Twitter today with a lady who doesn’t believe in evolution and here’s my report!” thread, that’s bad.
  • Don’t armchair diagnose these people with various forms of “the crazies,” as the laymen call it. Let’s just call them weirdos and leave it at that.

General Resources:
Rational Wiki

Podcasts related to the subject: (Please suggest more!)
Oh No, Ross and Carrie! They report on fringe science, spirituality, and claims of the paranormal in person, so you don’t have to!
Blame It On Outer Space
Blurry Photos


#2

My favorite conspiracy theory ever was on a weird blog I found where someone insisted that as a part of their evidence the Earth was flat, that Asia and Africa were actually the same place and that maps just insisted they were two separate places to propagate the round earth agenda. A part of the “evidence” was that if you “looked closely enough” Madagascar and Japan were “Clearly the same island.”


#3

I always get a kick out of the ol’ flat-Earth conspiracy because none of it makes any sense. For what reason would the shadowy cabal that controls the world lie about the shape of it? How do day/night cycles and timezones work on a flat Earth?

The whole thing is just so hilariously flimsy.


#4

And like… are ALL airplane pilots in on the conspiracy??? Even hobbyist pilots would probably have to be in on it too, right?


#5

A great and probably defunct podcast for this stuff is Blame It On Outer Space, which is (kayfabe) made in a mysterious bunker off the grid. It’s made by Eric Szyszka of We Hate Movies and his buddy Ben Worcester. They cover everything from hollow earth to ghost stories to fema camps. Not everyone’s cup of tea but I think it’s pretty funny.


#6

My favorite flat-earther is B.o.B. You know, the rapper who is probably most famous for his song called Airplanes, which are the things that fly around the world.


#7

It’s probably part of getting a pilot’s license.

“Do you swear to spread the obvious lie of the planet’s spherical shape for REASONS?”
“Uh, sure. Why not?”
“Here’s your pilot’s license. Welcome to the Brotherhood of Lizard People, friend.”


#8

I once joke-tweeted that the Mandela Effect represents Roko’s Basilisk changing reality to subtly punish us for not taking advantage of the homeopathic free energy potential of the infinite ice walls surrounding the Flat Earth, and a real conspiracy theorist tweeted back to tell me to get my facts straight. I managed to out-conspiracy the conspiracy theorists.

(One of my favourite Mandela Effects is that New Zealand used to be to the left of Australia, but someone moved it. It’s so annoying when someone moves your New Zealand without asking first!)


#9

My favorite is probably Time Cube, which is about how time is actually cubic and how we should measure all four corners instead of only one corner. And it’s so looong.


#10

My personal favorite is the very genuine, very real belief that there are reptilian people (often with Illuminati ties and the ability to travel interdimensionally).

This website in particular is a great read, and gives a good glimpse into how deep this conspiracy can go. It specifically concerns Princess Diana as a ‘human breedstock’ for the reptilians and how her death was actual human sacrifice, tied in an uncomfortably colonialist way to “Mayan rituals” by the author of the website: The Reptilian Illuminati DNA Mastercode

A choice quote, to tempt you into reading the whole thing: “Perhaps Princess Diana, who incarnated into a reptilian-hybrid bloodline (although more Nordic dominated in her case), was one of these souls who came to break these prison frequencies in the Illuminati DNA.”

My favorite part of this website is trying to count how many meaningless pieces of jargon get dropped in each sentence.


#11

Let’s take a moment to ponder sun gazing.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking, and you’re absolutely correct. Watch this combination california surfer dude/serial murderer murmur about the sun’s metaphysical connection to the soul and prepare to be enLIGHTened.

other things this man is into:

-Satan
-Urine therapy
-Casting spells through a tortured understanding of grammar
-The bible


#12

-Going blind in the dumbest and least fun way possible


#13

One G. K. Chesterton short story from 1911 featured the use of sun gazing as a murder weapon. A cult leader encouraged a woman to sun gaze, damaging her already poor eyesight, then arranged for her to walk into an open elevator shaft.


#14

Wow

that’s brilliant!!!


#15

In a horribly morbid way, that’s actually kind of ingenious.


#16

“The Eye of Apollo”, from The Innocence of Father Brown. Not my favourite 'tec stories, but they’re worth reading at least once. Chesterton had some odd ideas about the world, of interest to the enthusiast of conspiracy theories.


#17

I love Youtube videos of ridiculously ill-advised fools advocating putting basically every liquid you have up your butt to “detox” things that you can’t possibly detox from that direction anyway, and then mistaking the poop that comes out as gall stones, liver stones, and “toxins.”


Yup just pour all this fucking garbage in your butthole, you’ll be fine.


#18

Note that sungazing is not limited to that one kooky guy. There’s a whole community!

(take a look at the guy who calls sungazing criticizers racist)

finally: peep those pyramids


#19

The Montauk Incident is my personal favorite. I don’t have time to do a real report here, but lets say it involves nude time travleing children, greys shitting out of their skin, and memory erasing programs.


#20

Heyo, actual medical doctor here to say: :siren:PLEASE DON’T PUT ANY OF THIS IN YOUR BUTT AND THEN SAVE YOUR WEIRD POOPS IN A PICKLE JAR!:siren:

I am absolutely fascinated by people who search for Illuminati symbolism in media. Which is to say, “people who freak out every time they see an eye on TV.” So I was especially excited to see this guy absolutely lose his mind over the trailer for A Series of Unfortunate Events which features about a hundred eyes.


What I especially love about his kind of video is how completely unable to make an actual point any person making one is. Is the show demonstrating that the Illuminati is bad? Yes it is. Is the show trying to make you obey the Illuminati. Yes it is also doing that. It is simultaneously pro-Illuminati and anti-Illuminati in equal amounts but who really cares because PocketsoftheFuture is here to connect streaming comedy to Egypt, Big Brother, and the perversion of God.

Sure he sounds crazy, but he’s a guy you can trust.


"Who would want eyeballs on a pizza…but it makes the pizza linked to the Illuminati."