Alright, alright. That’s enough fun in the virtual world. We need to get out and make sure the Boss’s body is safe in the real world. And once she’s safe, she and Kinzie can get back to Earth!
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Okay. So the Earth blew up. We’re going to be here a while in that case, so it’s time to settle in with this game’s version of neighborhood takeovers! Keith David’s got a lot of tasks for us, and today we’ll be doing about half of them.
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We’ve taken care of half of Keith David’s tasks, and now it’s time to take on the other half! The other… slightly shorter half. I mean, we have unlimited sprint and there are fewer data clusters lying around, so it’s to be expected.
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So just how are we supposed to find our friends? Well, this mysterious voice in the simulation might have a few ideas. Provided he’s not here to maim and/or kill us, someone trapped in the Zins’ simulation might have a little insight on its weak points. And I mean, considering the kind of guy Zinyak is, what are the chances someone isn’t gonna want a shot at him?
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C.I.D has joined the crew, and like Keith David he’s got some tasks for us in the simulation. As perhaps the most straightforward entity to ever enlist the Boss’s help, it just makes sense to go along with him.
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Okay, we’ve recruited C.I.D and we’ve messed around for a bit. Now we can go save Matt Miller. This is the first time the Boss has been in charge of a rescue mission, and wouldn’t it figure that it isn’t a straightforward “shoot everyone in your path” situation. We’re back in cyberspace, so not only do we not have superpowers, we’re also going to have a hard time keeping a gun in our hands.
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We’ve saved Matt Miller, but we’re not covering his missions yet. Kinzie has a bunch of back doors for us to open in the simulation. Technically we could have done these before saving Matt, but… wait, was Kinzie trying to delay us from doing that???
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We’re fresh out of doors that Kinzie can make us, so now we can go cover Matt’s missions. Technically he doesn’t actually need our help to understand the simulation since the story would progress without this, but why waste the opportunity to do help our old foe and do damage to our new one?
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Matt Miller’s miscellaneous missions are done, but he’s still got a personal favor for us: we’ve gotta act out his fanfic. As humanity’s biggest and probably only living Nyte Blayde fan, it’s up to Matt to tell the greatest Nyte Blayde story ever. Which, granted, should be pretty easy since it’s Nyte Blayde. It ain’t exactly Shakespeare.
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The Simulations has been set, and the Boss can jump into the Morningstars’ plane to save Johnny! Now granted we don’t know for sure that this simulation is Johnny’s, but the Boss doesn’t exactly listen to anybody when she’s this determined.
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With Shaundi saved, we have a few options on how we can proceed. There are three different Saints that need saving, but one of them is Pierce so really he should be our first goal. And what kind of virtual hell is our most mockable friend trapped in? Why, the most tooth-rotting beatdown anybody’s ever experienced of course!
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Asha’s next on our list of Saints to be saved. She’s not exactly a fan of the gang… or the fact that one of them was the President of the United States. But she’s close enough in proximity to make her worth saving, even if she doesn’t like us! And on another note, either she or the Zin know about Metal Gear Solid, and I can’t tell which option is weirder.
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Zinyak hasn’t been taking his last few losses lying down. The Simulation is being flooded with rival gangs from games past, and for some reason they seem to all follow a particular theme. But there’s no time worry about that, because the entire system’s hostile and we need to put a stop to that!
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And now, the moment I’ve you’ve all been waiting for: Asha’s missions. That’s right, Asha wants to see if we’re fit to be in MI6. Not literally of course, that organization was blown up with the rest of Earth. But it’s fun to see us tear the Zin apart piece by piece, so any excuse to do that works in my book!
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Hey, remember that alternate ending of Saints Row the Third I was talking about a while ago? Well, now we have some relevant characters an a sword in IV, so we’re doubling back to the end of 3. In the good/canon ending, we saved Shaundi, Violet and Burt Reynolds from exploding on a statue. Now we’re not going to do that, because we’ve gotta go kill Killbane. Some people probably won’t like that decision.
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Now that we’ve taken a look back at the other ending of Saints Row the Third, it’s time to observe the followup. The Saints, and a few guests, gather around to discuss the DLC that never was: Enter the Dominatrix. I mean, it is a DLC now, but, you know. Now it’s DLC in a different game.
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Our good 'ol buddy Shaundi craves violence, and who are we to say no to destroying a few things in the simulation in her name? Why, we’d be terrible friends if we didn’t kill dozens of Zin!
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We’ve helped one Shaundi, now let’s go down the list of another. Of course, Fun Shaundi can’t exactly exist on the ship, but it’s fine. We can use a computer as a proxy, and then go on a rampage within the simulation.
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Now that we’ve covered Shaundis’ missions, it’s time to get the two to get along. DJ Veteran Child is still lurking somewhere in the simulation, and both Shaundis want him gone. Well, modern Shaundi does, anyway. Fun Shaundi mostly wants to prove herself. And there’s only one way to prove Fun Shaundi knows her stuff and take down Veteran Child: drugs.
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What time is it? Why, it’s time for our good old friend Pierce to help us unwind! Through murder and getting hit by several vehicles! This sounds like it would raise our heart rate, actually!
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