Week 24: NO SHOW
This Saturday it is time for NO SHOW the sixth PPV of OHPW. Now our calendar is a little weird, but this means half a kayfabe year for the show! (In reality it’s more like 168 days, which the savvy among you will know is less than half a year, but the real half-year show would not happen to fall on a PPV, so…)
In any case, we got a loaded card. 13 matches! This might seem a lot, and it is. However it’s also less than it first appears. At least in terms of total runtime. Unless one or two run abnormally long…
We got Josef Dub sneaking his way into the Jabroni Royale match! We did not think this would happen but he got eliminated almost ten minutes before everyone else in the 7DP match. Speaking of: A couple returning challengers in the Seven Deadly Pins Battle Royal! Pine Appel most notably, who had a war the last time they were in a 7DP with Vacation Skeleton.
The Showdown Tournament continues with more B-Block match-ups! I could have had both blocks in there but don’t you think that’s a lot of matches already?
Harley challenged Apollo to a duel, which made Apollo angry enough to challenge Harley to a duel. So now we have duel! Palpy will challenge Freddie for the Darkweight Title. He is, of course, expected to lose. But people! The most important match is the one with the guest stars that have zero stakes in OHPW! I have secured us Alberto El Patron for NO SHOW! CM Punk will also be there making his return to wrestling? What a world to live in! The match will also feature Dante from the Devil May Cry Series!
And after that we got some throwaway match for our most prestigious title. Who’s the champ again? Pantha? Wait, someone beat Suzan? Ah well, she’ll defend against Mr. Shakedown.
Expected run-time - 2:30 hours
#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
Kayu Zakisaka © vs. Josef Dub
Scene: The Supreme Sadim and Muscle Wizard discuss the logistics and morality of throwing a guy into frame to announce the participation in a tournament for HTW, a different promotion.
#2 Seven Deadly Pins
Pine Appel vs. Anna May vs. Manic Misanthrope vs. Guzma vs. A Mimic vs. Fomore vs. Great Maharaja vs. Vacation Skeleton ©
This is the first time we had a Seven Deadly Pins match in which everyone was eliminated via Submission. While not every elimination came from Mimic, this submission wrestler was the one who’d win and become the new Seven Deadly Pins champion.
#3 Bunny Championship
Undeddie Guererro vs. Roy ©
It took a lot, the 1% Crit and two Elbow Drops to the ASS but Roy emerged victorious against Undeddie
#4-6 Showdown Tournament B-Block Round 2
N-T Punk (0) vs. Cocademon (2) - Cocademon wins, earning him 2 points for a total of 4
Ryu (2) vs. Weeb Weaver (2) - Ryu wins, earning him 2 points for a total of 4
Cheese Pietzza (0) vs. Malfest Goat-Monster (0) - MGM wins, earning him 2 points for a total of 2
#7 Landmine Deathmatch
Kelsey Slaughter vs. Nawt A Robutt
Sadly no one was thrown onto the land mines. But Robutt won this match via submission despite being too dumb to go for the pin after the both times he used his finisher.
#8 Legion Tag Championships
School of Slam vs. Team Skull ©
Team Skulls reign was long an prosperous. But all things come to an end eventually. The School of Slam won after Sadim put Grunt Pink into the Camel Clutch.
#9 Singles Match
Harley Havik vs. Apollo
Ah yes, the duel of duels. Harley challenged Apollo to a duel which upset him enough to challenge her to a duel and now this is that duel. Which Harley won. But Apollo’s duels usually are best out of 9 series. So I’m pretty sure he thinks he hasn’t lost yet.
Scene: Palpy makes his way to the ring but stops at the Gorilla Position to hop in front of the promo wall and pretend he was somehow wronged by Freddie in the past, vowing to end the career of Frederick Hope
#10 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Palpatine vs. Freddie Hope ©
#11 VACANT Open Challenge
Mina Park vs. VACANT
Ow, nonono, not like that. Aaah, no we want to show this on TV. Stop VACANT, she’s already dead! (VACANT wins)
#12 Special Singles Match
Alberto El Patron??? vs. CM Punk???
Alberto didn’t show up and CM Punk only got us his mysterious friend who kept doing the GTS against air. This GTS Mastah won the match against Nobody.
#13 Infernal Hellweight Championship
Mr. Shakedown vs. Pantha ©
You don’t usually expect matches like this out of Mr. Shakedown. He’s got explosive bursts early on to overwhelm his opponens, but this match took almost 25 minutes. And it could have gone either way until the end. But ultimately, the champ prevails. Pantha submits Shakedown with the Pantha Claw and retains.
Robbie D: But Cous, I was in a coma from being in another dimension, how could I’s look after the camera-
Kelsey: Shut up Robbie, youse just be glad that it was still intact after we got it out of that bears stomach. Turning to the camera Now, where to begin, we could start with that Gunslinger and that superhero wannabe rolling me up in that match a month ago.
Paulie: Fucking Cowards Yeah!
