OHPW - Business May Die [Fire Pro Wrestling World]

[IGgy]

Going live and starting OHPW, our wrestling federation, in about 15 minutes https://www.twitch.tv/iggy_igsen

Here’s today’s matches:
#1 Great Maharaja vs. Grace Thoruson
#2 Not Your God vs. Midas Minoson
#3 Koji Kojinaka vs. Guzma
#4 Criminal Sanity vs. Team Skull
#5 Kayu Zakisaka vs. Freddie Hope
#6 Fomore vs. Pantha
#7 Caveman Connection vs. Kelsey and Maya © for the Legion Tag Titles

[IGgy]

Week 119: Kelsey and Maya Must Die - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 119: Kelsey and Maya must Die

#1 Singles Match
Both of their names start in G. And one of them is a bear.
Great Maharaja vs. Grace Thoruson

Grace defeats Maharaja in 17:08 via Submission with that one move Grace keeps winning with (Modified Single Leg Boston Crab)
I can’t believe it took Grace this long to take out a bear but I think this might have been on her bucket list so maybe she was just trying to enjoy it as much as possible. Maybe we have to push Maharaja now, I dunno.

Scene: Tara leaves a room makred “Production”. She found a list of people to be in the next Seven Deadly Pins against VACANT and inserts herself into the match by asking IGgy real nice.

#2 Singles Match
Edgy goth boi and a horned chad with a heart of literal gold.
Not Your God vs. Midas Minoson

Midas defeats NYG in 15:49 by Knockout after the explosion triggered after 15 Minutes.
Because that’s right, this was a Barbed Wire Explosion Deathmatch
This was exactly what you’d expect of the two but then they both exploded. Well, Midas got back up from it and NYG didn’t so the match goes to Midas.

#3 Singles Match
The Ace goes against that evil Pokemon dude, holy crap!
Koji Kojinaka vs. Guzma

Guzma defeats Koji in 16:49 via Pinfall after a Rolling Lariat
There’s a pretty high chance that Plumeria’s interference actually cost Koji the match. We won’t know if Guzma tapped or not because the ref was too busy chatting up Plumeria.

#4 Legion Tag Team No. 1 Contender Match
CS more or less earned this by beating Fun Gang. But the Grunts are the gods of this shit.
Criminal Sanity vs. Team Skull (Grunts)

Criminal Sanity defeat the Grunts in 26:46 via Pinfall after EGO hit Super Ego Flying High on Blue
A really good tag match all things considered. The Grunts had it under control for most of the match until they abandoned their plan of keeping it in their corner for no good reason and just went around and did a couple of moves and then were overpowered.

Scene: Tara approaches Spitbal, who according to her list is in the Seven Deadly Pins match next week. She’s trying to form an alliance, and in fact has already convinced some others. Spitbal agrees as well.

#5 Darkweight Title No. Contender Match
I’m honestly not sure who the underdog is here. But Angus’ reign needs to end.
Kayu Zakisaka vs. Freddie Hope

Kayu defeats Freddie in 7:05 via Pinfall with the Mahou Magical Splash.
Real fast paced match here. Both went hard out the gate, near falls here and there, going into murder mode, both of them, but Kayu was able to stay on top and gets to face Angus next week.

#6 Hellweight No. 1 Contender Match
Last time they it was for the title. Fomore came out on top there but that was nearly two years ago…
Fomore vs. Pantha

Fomore defeats Pantha in 26:42 via Submission with Key Lock Armbar
Opposed to the previous match took its time to ramp up. They’ve faced each other before maybe they knew it’d be better to pace themselves, I don’t know. Both of them brought their heavy hitters, though for some reason Fomore never pinned after the Vertebreaker/Kudome Valentine/Kudo Driver/Copkilla/ACAB/Din’s Fire/Cop Caller/Reverse Gory Special Driver. Wow that mvoe has many names.

#7 Legion Tag Championships
Well damn. Kelsey and Maya are still champs. This is kinda nuts. This is their fifth defense. Let’s see what the Cavemen can do about it.
Caveman Connection vs. Kelsey and Maya

Kelsey and Maya win in 52:33 via Submission when Kelsey locks a Calf Crusher on Ungaah
This match was cursed and I don’t wanna talk about it, just look at how long this is, holy fuck. Maybe I could salvage this with editing but I don’t want to. Kelsey and Maya should have lost this for their refusal to tag alone.

Scene: Tara, still on her quest to rally as many people against VACANT as possible, tries to get Malfest Goat-Monster on her side. Needless to say it doesn’t work, MGMon beats up Tara in the Goat-Dimension. It was worth a shot I guess.

[IGgy]

Week 120: ALL CHAMPIONS MUST DIE
regular time, regular place. Everybody dies!

#1 Seven Deadly Pins
Seven deadly pins, Seven falls to win, Seven paths to hell, And your trip begins
??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. VACANT ©

#2 Tag Team Match
What’s the clown’s deal?
Steve Dirt and Family Man vs. Wizards Not Allowed

#3 Singles Match
I’ll take any excuse to see Palpy eat shit!
Palpatine vs. Pig Destroyer

#4 Four Way (First Fall)
Oof. I accidentally booked Dash. I’m trying to remove it, I’m sorry!
Vacation Skeleton (x) vs. Suzan Blades vs. Arcade Legend ASS vs. Dashosphere

#5 Singles Match
Freddie continues his proud tradition of not fighting NYG. But Isabel wants a go after their last meeting.
Isabel Ibarra vs. Not Your God

#6 Legion Tag Championships
I hope this does not take almost an hour.
Criminal Sanity vs. Kelsey and Maya

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Neither of these are strangers to being on the bottom. But they both overcame that.
Kayu Zakisaka vs. Angus McMutton ©

#8 Infernal Hellweight Championship
So they meet again, but on different sides of the challenger/defender dynamic
Fomore vs. Harmony Gray ©

[IGgy]

Week 120: ALL CHAMPIONS MUST DIE - (Twitch VOD)

@"Match Card and Results

Week 120: ALL CHAMPIONS MUST DIE
regular time, regular place. Everybody dies!

#1 Seven Deadly Pins
Seven deadly pins, Seven falls to win, Seven paths to hell, And your trip begins

Tara Milleneon vs. Surfborg vs. Malfest Goat-Monster vs. Sapp Ledesma vs. F.O.E. vs. Spitbal vs. Majin Bob Sapp vs. VACANT ©

[spoiler]VACANT eliminates Surfburg in 18:50 via submission with a Bow and Arrow Hold
VACANT eliminates Tara in 21:33 via submission with a Bow and Arrow Hold
Bob Sapp eliminates F.O.E. in 26:54 via submission with the Skull End
VACANT eliminates Sapp Ledesma in 28:25 via pinfall after an Izuna Drop
Bob Sapp eliminates Goat_monster in 30:24 via submission with the Skull End
VACANT eliminates Spitbal in 32:31 via submission with a Hanging Front Neck Choke
Bob Sapp eliminates VACANT in 36:06 via Pinfall after The Punch

It seems like Tara could recruit Sapp, Spitbal and Bob Sapp. Though I think whe was not actually able to talk to Bob Sapp because I didn’t actually put him in my draft. But maybe she guessed it, I dunno. Well, in any case. As you can see here VACANT and Bob Sapp are the only ones to eliminate people. And although VACANT was sent flying with a punch and pinned at the end, he still got more eliminations. But it’s true, VACANT is finally dethroned[/spoiler]

#2 Tag Team Match
What’s the clown’s deal?
Steve Dirt and Family Man vs. Wizards Not Allowed

Steve and Family Man defeat WNA when Family Man pins Chief Engineer in 23:05 by Trying His Best
This is the quintessential Family Man match. He simply tried his best and won the match with it. At the start of the match Steve was nearly pinned for a three-count after George Cluwney flipped out backwards. That’s just what I’m gonna call this move, I guess. But it all came up Milhouse for the Steve and Family Man

#3 Singles Match
I’ll take any excuse to see Palpy eat shit!
Palpatine vs. Pig Destroyer

Palpatine defeats Pig Destroyer in 19:16 via Pinfall with the Imperial Power Bomb.
A dark day, really. I thought Pig Destroyer had this for sure, that’s why I booked it. I just wanted Palpy to eat shit. But alas, Palpy showed that he’s not simply a joke. After all we need to remember that he used to be the longest reigning Bunny Champ in both LPFWA and OHPW. Although that was arguably accomplished via quetionable means.

#4 Four Way (First Fall)
Oof. I accidentally booked Dash. I’m trying to remove it, I’m sorry!
Vacation Skeleton (x) vs. Suzan Blades vs. Arcade Legend ASS vs. Dashosphere

Vacation Skeleton wins in 7:57 via DQ by convincing the ref ASS said something really mean. Which she did not!
This looked like it was gonna be one of those matches where they pair up forever. But then Vacation Skeleton threw a mic in ASS’ hand and screamed bloody murder. Somehow this convinced the referee to DQ her, awarding VS the match.

#5 Singles Match
Freddie continues his proud tradition of not fighting NYG. But Isabel wants a go after their last meeting.
Isabel Ibarra vs. Not Your God

Isabel defeats. Not Your God in 26:22 via pinfall after a Reverse Firebird Splash
Isabel had to really fight for this one, this being the longest match on the show. Her arms looked worse for wear at the end. Probably why she wasn’t able to do her Schoolboy Powerbomb and instead elected to go for some flippy shit to wrap it up.

#6 Legion Tag Championships
I hope this does not take almost an hour.
Criminal Sanity vs. Kelsey and Maya

Kelsey and Maya defeat Criminal Sanity in 15:41 when Kelsey pins Mr. Shakedown after Prey Slaughtered
I didn’t expect this match to end this “quickly”. Under normal circumstances tag matches last longer than singles matche (in Fire Pro at least) but aside from the match with the bullshit finish this ended up being the shortest on the card. Prey Slaughtered is a devastating move but not even EGO must have expected that it would end like this as they didn’t come for the save. But I suppose Mr. Shakedown going to the outside with Kelsey moments before did more damage to him than expected.

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Neither of these are strangers to being on the bottom. But they both overcame that.
Kayu Zakisaka vs. Angus McMutton ©

Angus McMutton defeats Kayu in 18:30 via pinfall after the Tru Bru.
Oh god, this match. Angus takes control but Kayu makes a comeback. We all believe in Kayu, maybe a miracle will happen! I guess Angus believes it too because he does something he hasn’t done before: An Ushigoroshi followed by the Tru Bru for the win. Throwing both of his most devastating moves at Kayu shows how much he was driven in a corner.

#8 Infernal Hellweight Championship
So they meet again, but on different sides of the challenger/defender dynamic
Fomore vs. Harmony Gray ©

Fomore defeats Harmony in 22:44 via submission with the Qutting Your Job For The Love Of The Art Clutch
They start it nice and slow. Some strikes, couple of holds… for about 10 minutes. Then suddenly they start tearing shit up. Harmony hits three consecutive powerbombs on Fomore, who in turn hits a few Crucifix Powerbombs. And then Fomore hits the Vertebreaker on Harmony, although on the outside. When the match goes back inside they continue at full speed until Fomore locks in the QYJFTLOTAC and Harmony has to tap out.

[IGgy]

Week 121: Six-Six-Sixer - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 121: Six-Six-Sixer
The episode title is a reference to the fact that as I was about to post it (belated, normally it’s wednesday but I was gonna do it yesterday) I got probated for horrible internet crimes on the something awful dot com internet forums.

I’ll never live it down.

So yes, this below match card will take place… TODAY! Whoa!

#1 Singles Match
Fun Fact: Agnes beat Angus before. Dicky gets beat up a lot.
Agnes Paragon vs. Dicky P

Dicky P defeats Agnes in 22:39 via Pinfall after winning at Rock Paper Scissors (Scissor beats Paper)
Thse absolute idiots just kicked out at 1 or below for more than half the match, it was only able to end after Dicky P won a Rock Paper Scissors match against Agnes. MOTN

#2 Singles Match
This is gonna be a sleeper hit. Probably.
Suman vs. Flash Hammer

Flash Hammer defeats Suman in 17:47 via Pinfall after a Lariat
I’m gonna say that Flash didn’t forget to go for the pin after his Finisher this time, he was simply unable to. But hey, y’know a Lariat is always a good move to end it. So he did that instead.

#3 Barbed Wire Exploding Deathmatch
I wish to see Palpy in pain but he beat his last opponent…
Not Your God vs. Palpatine

Not Your God defeats Palpatine in 14:46 via submission with a Cross Armbar
This match was made a Barbed Wire Deathmatch and at first it really looked like Palpy was in control, he got nearly all of his shit in. But then NYG came back and with just a few seconds before BOOM to spare managed to submit Palpy.

#4 Three Way (Elimination)
I hope thunder unstraps and shows his bod.
Danny V5 vs. Vacation Skeleton (x) vs. Thunder

Vacation Skeleton eliminates Thunder in 18:16 via DQ by pretending he said something mean about them
Vacation Skeleton eliminates Danny V5 in 28:13 via Pinfall after Spring Break
VS does it fucking again. Convinces the ref that Thunder said something mean about them. Wow! They can’t keep getting away with this! Danny than battled bravely against the vile Vacation Skeleton. But Vacation Skeleton still managed to come out on top by going on Spring Break with Danny.

#5 Singles Matches
This is gonna be the match we all expect to be really good but Suman vs. Flash will be better, probably.
Bone Idol vs. Supreme Sadim

Bone Idol defeats Supreme Sadim in 17:03 via Pinfall with a Huracanrana
Another Clash of Styles type of match, and they just go, doing their stuff. Sadim continuously trying to slow it down with Bone Idol ramping it up again. And they just went. This weird little tug of war ended with Bone Idol winning via pinfall eventually.

#6 Singles Matches
Big match and we’re giving it away for free!
Suzan Blades vs. Freddie Hope

Suzan Blades defeats Freddie Hope in 14:28 via Critical! with Knightfall
This is what we call a slamfest. A bit of back and forth at first then Suzan does the freaking Knightfall, but doesn’t try to pin, Freddie does the Last Hope, but not for the win, and Another time, but it’s not enough, and Suzan with another Knightfall, CRITICAL! Freddie is out!

#7 Legion Tag Championships
Two teams without a name… here they are.
Steve Dirt and Family Man vs. Kelsey and Maya

Steve and Family Man defeat Kelsey and Maya in 16:41 when Steve pins Kelsey after a Blood’n’Gutbuster
This was almost disappointing. Kelsey and Maya could have become the untied longest reigning tag team champions. There was a point in the match where Steve and Kelsey took it outside. Steve was hit with Prey Slaughtered but Steve was able to come back from that battering Kelsey with weapon shots, getting some more shit in. Back in the ring, Steve hits Kelsey with the Blood’n’Gutbuster for the win. Taking the titles from one team without a name to another.

[IGgy]

Week 122: Dawn of a New Menace - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 122: Dawn of a New Menace
Another week, another match card. We gut us the singles debut of Surfborg and some other stuff that you can see below.
The show shall take place at the same time as always.

#1 Singles Match
I feel like this happened before. And maybe it did. But what’s important is that it’s here.
Super Samio vs. Great Maharaja

Maharaja defeats Super Samio in 12:09 via submission with a Stomach Bearclaw
Shockingly Samio did not really get much of a chance to regain her footing after Maharajas initial attacks. Maharaja managed to take the advantage and keep it throughout the match. That’s what got him the win. He advances to the next round of the jobber tournament!!!

#2 Singles Match
Surfborg made his debut in the 7DP that killed VACANT, showing surprising ability. Let’s see how he fares in singles competition.
Surfborg vs. Dr. Mutant

Surfborg defeats Dr. Mutant in 23:59 via submission with some Armlock / Single Leg Boston Crab combo
Well, this is where I realize that I accidentally had the match rules set to submission only. Ah well. Turns out neither of them knew either and only the ref remembered so it took them a while to realize that they should do submissions. Our Newcomer Surfborg is able to get the win here!

#3 Tag Team Match
Booking DCB to keep the marks happy. No, really, DCB is everyone’s favorite, including mine.
The Fun Gang (Skullistair + DCB) vs. Pineapple Pizza

The Fun Gang defeat Pineapple Pizza in 15:50 when DCB pins Pine Appel with A Transitional Move.
This match had it all. Canadian Destroyrs and… Canadian Destroyers. I’m pretty sure Pineapple Pizza did good stuff too but this was clearly The Fun Gangs match. Skullistair did the Chain Destroyers and busted Pine Appel open with punches and DCB wrapped it all up nice and clean with A Transitional Move.

#4 Singles Match
The Death of Balls
Josef Dub vs. Austin Ramon

Austin Ramon defeats Josef Dub in 16:17 when Josef DQs himself because he can’t let go of Austin’s balls.
What a shitshow! Austin clearly has the upper hand in this match but Josef decides to end it on his own terms by not letting go after he locked in the testicular claw. The ref counts to 5 and the match is awarded to Austin.

Scene: Angus comes forth and challenges VACANT to another Lest Jimmy Standing match. This time he challenges him because he thinks VACANT is a “richt numpty.” VACANT refuses but Angus reminds him that he still has his prize for winning the Hellfire Tournament which allows him to book one match (restrictions apply.) The match will be for the title of course, should Angus still hold it but the letter V will be struck from VACANT’s name if Angus wins. We will never say that out loud. VACANT then does a weird flex by attacking Angus right there but The Union show up for the rescue and VACANT decides it’s better to abscond.

#5 Singles Match
These will either finish in five minutes or over 30 minutes. There’s no in-between.
Blaze Rider vs. Hayley Simmons

Hayley Simmons defeats Blaze Rider in 8:08 via pinfall with some fancy pin.
This was kind of ugly to watch to be honest. Blaze Rider barely had a chance to turn the match in her favor because Hayley cut off almost everything Blaze did. Although the Fall of Dalamud did not end it due to a rope break it was clear that the match was decided as soon as it had happened and it ended soon after.

#6 Singles Match (Explosion-Chan redeemed)
Get 'im, Isabel!
Isabel Ibarra vs. Dash Rendar

Dash is awarded the win when the Explosion triggers after 15 minutes and Isabel is unable to get up but Dash is.
FUCK THIS SHIT!!!

#7 Seven Deadly Pins
May Majin Bob Sapp not necessitate the forming of an alliance to dethrone him.
Lightning vs. Muscle Wizard vs. Anna May vs. Quackenduckboy Jr. vs. Mina Park vs. Sgt. Sprinklez vs. Boob Marley vs. Majin Bob Sapp ©

Mina eliminates Lightning in 17:18 via submission with Kiss of the Dragon
Duckbaby eliminates Sgt. Sprinkles in 18:24 via subission with a Trap Cross Armbar
Muscle Wizard eliminates Anna May in 20:32 via submission with the Mandible Claw
Bob Sapp eliminates Boob Marley in 23:05 via submission with a Fujiwara Armbar
Duckbaby eliminates Majin Bob Sapp in 25:46 via Pinfall after by launching himself headfirst into him like an idiot.
Muscle Wizard eliminates The Duckbaby in 39:39 via Pinfall after Some weird kind of upside down Lungblower
Muscle Wizard eliminates Mina in 53:46 via submission with the Mandible Claw
So we had a Battle Royal until it was down to the final two, then it turned into an extended singles match. They buried each other’s finishers at least once before finally deciding that maybe the match needs to end. At least it didn’t last an hour. Just almost an hour.

[IGgy]

Going live and starting OHPW, our wrestling federation, in about 15 minutes https://www.twitch.tv/iggy_igsen

Here’s today’s matches:
#1 Great Maharaja vs. Dicky P
#2 Harley Havik vs. Flash Hammer
#3 Fallout Boys vs. The Union
#4 Grace Thoruson vs. Undeddie Guerrero
#5 Florida Man vs. Ricc 2 Thicc
#6 Dash Rendar vs. Suzan Blades
#7 Bone Idol vs. Angus McMutton

[IGgy]

Week 123: Kid - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 123: Kid
And here we are: This Saturday. Usual place, usual time. Let’s Rock!
Finally, I’ve been waiting for this for 123 episodes: I can reference the 123 Kid in an episode title. That’s it, OHPW is over.

#1 J.O.B. Tournament Round 2
Wait, there’s a Tournament?
Great Maharaja vs. Dicky P

Dicky P defeats (WTF) Great Maharaja in 24:52 via Submission with an Armlock Boston Crab combo
Wow. Maharaja had this under control but refused to end it, wanted to play more with his prey than his prey buried the finishers of everyone by having the bear kick out of them at 1 or 2 and finally wins with some submission move.

#2 J.O.B. Tournament Round 2
Hold on, what happened to Round 1?
Harley Havik vs. Flash Hammer

Flash defeats Harley in 15:16 via Pinfall after the Star Dust Flash
Glad this was a normal match. We even had the cool story of Flash trying to outplay Harley at her own game (which is kicking people a lot, mostly with knees, but he didn’t really use many knees) and to the shock of everyone it worked! Flash even only needed to do his finisher once this time. I sense great things for Flash if he keeps this up.

#3 Tag Team Match
I feel like Josef’s total ball destruction was only a prelude to this…
Fallout Boys vs. The Union

The Union defeat the Fallout Boys in 34:18 (16:00+18:18) minutes via submission when Mina stomps a mudhole into Rick Wreckage
Almost at the start of the match VACANT shows up. No one really wants him there so everyone attacks him. Angus and Doctor Mutant also show up. But no one really seems to want them there when they really want to just help remove VACANT, what a shitshow. Eventually VACANT decides to leave and so do Doc and Angus. Finally, the match can commence uninterrupted. But what’s this? THE LIGHTS GO OUT! … … … no this is not an angle. The game just crashed. AND THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON! We restart the match. And it continues like nothing happened and The Union take it home when Mina just goes nuts and stomps Rick like mad.

#4 Singles Match
Movin’ up in the world. Zombie Eddie Guerrero is gonna force Grace to step up her game.
Grace Thoruson vs. Undeddie Guerrero

Grace Thoruson defeats Undeddie Guerrero in 8:11 via Pinfall after an Ushigoroshi
This was turned into a Barbed Wire Deathmatch and we all thought finally Grace is gonna get put in her place. But she still fucking did it. Didn’t take her long either. She just decided “I’m gonna win now” sooner than usual.

#5 Singles Match
Florida man challenges man thrice his size. Realizes mistake too late.
Florida Man vs. Ricc 2 Thicc

Ricc 2 Thicc defeats Florida Man in 7:24 via Pinfall with a Half Nelson Powerbomb
Well, this turned out to be your typical Ricc 2 thicc match. He didn’t really give Florida Man much of a chance.

#6 Darkweight No. 1 Contender Match
(clapping in the Terminator rhythm)
Dash Rendar vs. Suzan Blades

Dash defeats Suzan in 13:56 via submission WITH AN ARMBAR
I hate every time Dash wins and yet he keeps winning, it actually kinda pains me to see it especially when he does it to Suzan who used to never lose and would be a much better contender for the actual fucking top title. Fuck. But… it needs to be earned. So you gotta win, and Dash won.

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Even if Angus can defend once more here, surely it’ll be the last…
Bone Idol vs. Angus McMuitton

Angus defeats Bone Idol in 15:10 via Pinfall after a Tru Bru
Mathematically speaking, Bone Idol had about a 9% chance to win this. The numbers themselves do odds a disservice though because Bone Idol was doing far better than 9%. It was perhaps closer to 69% but Angus’ current tear through everything, with his Hellfire Tournament win, his 17 match winning streak and his 8 defense Darkweight reign. This marked his 9th successful defense

[IGgy]

Week 124: Lest Jimmy Standing III

This Saturday we’re gonna have us a big show! Check out the card.

#1 J.O.B. Tournament FINAL
Man, what a prestigious tournament. Can’t believe Dicky P actually won matches somehow.
Dicky P vs. Flash Hammer

#2 Seven Deadly Pins
Seven deadly pins… seven ways to win. You know the rest.
Plumeria vs. A Mimic vs. Black vs. Manic Misanthrope vs. Arcade Legend ASS vs. Blaze Rider vs. Nawt A Robutt vs. Muscle Wizard

#3 Singles Match
Isabel Ibarra vs. Midas Minoson

#4 Singles Match
No metter how we dice it, shenanigans are abound.
Vacation Skeleton (x) vs. Sexton Blud

#5 Singles Match
Grace Thoruson is challenged by an outsider. She received a note that simply read “Let’s go to Suplex City, bitch! Time to die!”.

#6 Legion Tag Championships
Can The Union join The Fun Gang in the winnning title matches via DQ club?
The Union vs. Steve Dirt and Family Man

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship - Lest Jimmy Standing Match
The letter V is on the line and Angus is pissed… but so far he could not put a dent into VACANT.
VACANT vs. Angus McMutton ©

#8 J.O.B. Capital L Palate Cleanser Over the Top Rope Clusterfuck
All seven people who lost in the J.O.B. Tournament

#9 Infernal Hellweight Championship
Although his place here is well earned at this point… I hope Dash eats shit.
Dash Rendar vs. Fomore ©

[IGgy]

Week 124: LEST JIMMY STANDING III - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 124: Lest Jimmy Standing III

[timg]https://i.imgur.com/47W26Sm.png[/timg]
This Saturday we’re gonna have us a big show! Check out the card.

#1 J.O.B. Tournament FINAL
Man, what a prestigious tournament. Can’t believe Dicky P actually won matches somehow.
Dicky P vs. Flash Hammer

Flash Hammer defeats Dicky P in 12:01 via submission with a Stealth Viper
We are all happy that Dicky P didn’t look good in this match after somehow winning two to get there. It was just a fluke, whew… then again, lately he’s had a bit of a run, winning a title in Pandemonium.

#2 Seven Deadly Pins
Seven deadly pins… seven ways to win. You know the rest.
Plumeria vs. A Mimic vs. Black vs. Manic Misanthrope vs. Arcade Legend ASS vs. Blaze Rider vs. Nawt A Robutt vs. Muscle Wizard

A Mimic eliminates Muscle Wizard in 12:00 via pinfall with a Schoolboy
Black eliminates Plumeria in 16:08 via submission by destroying her knee
Black eliminates ASS in 18:30 via pinfall after a Broly Bomb
Black eliminates a mimic in 19:54 via submission by destroying its knee
Nawt A Robutt eliminates Blaze Rider in 21:48 via submission with a Guillotine Choke
Black eliminates Manic Misanthrope in 21:53 via submission with unrelenting stomps
Black eliminates Nawt A Robutt in 29:45 via submission by destroying his knee
Oh wow, what the fuck Black? While I’m going against the narrative that he’s “turning heel” he sure loves destroying knees and attacks in a much more primal fashion. Ah well. It did earn him the win in this match, where he eliminated most of the other contestants.

#3 Singles Match (BARBED WIRE DEATHMATCH)
Isabel Ibarra vs. Midas Minoson

Isabel Ibarra defeats Midas in 15:51 after the explosion triggers and Midas is unable to continue
For a second time in one of Isabel’s matches, Explosion-Chan is redeemed just before the match. Thankfully this did not see a repeat of when it happened against Dash. The fight was brutal but in the end, despite the explosion triggering, she could still stand, while Midas could not.

#4 Singles Match
No metter how we dice it, shenanigans are abound.
Vacation Skeleton (x) vs. Sexton Blud

Sexton defeats Vacation Skeleton in 25:32 via DQ by throwing a broken Lightube at them and pretending he got hit with it.
I’m not sure what it is with these two but they refused to stop fighting. They had to trick the referee into a DQ finish somehow… again. However, it was not Vacation Skeleton who would win in this fashion but Sexton.

#5 Singles Match
Grace Thoruson is challenged by an outsider. She received a note that simply read “Let’s go to Suplex City, bitch! Time to die!”.

Suplex Goddess is awarded the win in 11:15 when Grace does not answer the DQ count of the ref
This was some good s hit! Fuck yeah. Suplexes galore, throwing people around. This is wrestling, this is what we live for. Then Grace did the old “I’m not gonna stop puinching you” special move that gets her DQ’d which is a bit disappointing to be honest. But maybe they’ll meet again at a later time, who knows?

#6 Legion Tag Championships
Can The Union join The Fun Gang in the winnning title matches via DQ club?
The Union vs. Steve Dirt and Family Man

The Union deafeat Steve and Family Man in 29:21 when Josef pins Family Man with Ooof.
Okay, this is kinda crazy because, well, Josef got tagged in early in the match and then never tagged out again. He basically took on Family Man and Steve Dirt on his own. Something that you wouldn’t expect Josef to be capable of. Well, there was this time outside the ring with Steve Dirt where Josef got beaten up super hard so my suspicion is Josef forgot both how to feel pain and that this was a tag match. And he won. Bastard.

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship - Lest Jimmy Standing Match
The letter V is on the line and Angus is pissed… but so far he could not put a dent into VACANT.
VACANT vs. Angus McMutton ©

VACANT defeats Angus in 13:53 when Angus can’t quite get up before the count of 10.
While pretty much all of us expected this to be less one-sided it is important that VACANT has gained a significant amount of power since the last time he and Angus met. So, although it was shocking it should not be a big surprise that it ended the way it did. VACANT decisively beat Angus.

#8 J.O.B. Capital L Palate Cleanser Over the Top Rope Clusterfuck
All seven people who lost in the J.O.B. Tournament

Dicky P gets thrown out at 6:34
Family Man gets thrown out at 8:48
F.O.E. gets DQ’d at 9:30 (not even supposed to be here)
Great Maharaja is thrown out at 10:01
Agnes is thrown out at 11:48
Suman is thrown out at 12:04
Harley Havik pins Super Samio after a Killshot at 21:11
Well, this match is called a “palate cleanser” for a reason. I knew the previous match would be one of two things: Either a decisive victory for Vacant or a heated fight in which Angus barely pulls through. So you kinda need something to settle down again, right? Well, In this here match we have everyone who lost in the J.O.B. tournament and F.O.E. somehow. Halfway through the ref realized F.O.E. wasn’t supposed to be there and DQ’d him. The rest is mostly normal stuff about throwing people out but somehow pinfalls and submissions were enabled so we actually ended with a pinfall when Harley defeated Super Samio to win the match.

Scene: [spoiler]SATAN approaches VACANT backstage, having seen him fight Angus up close SATAN is now afraid of his creation, infusing a part of himself into VACANT that according to SATAN should make VACANT less evil. VACANT collapses. Probably afraid for his life despite SATAN’s reassurance VACANT asks to be comforted by SATAN, after some hesitation he obliges and kneels down next to VACNAT…

… who then reveals he has learned this whole power transfer thing when SATAN did it and sucks SATAN dry. People just kinda assume he’s dead now just because that’s what it looks like but I’ll have you know if there’s no SATAN hell would collapse. Or maybe that’s in VACANT’s hands now, I dunno.[/spoiler]

Championship Video

Scene: With SATAN nowhere to be found IGgy jumps in as a referee for the main event.

#9 Infernal Hellweight Championship
Although his place here is well earned at this point… I hope Dash eats shit.
Dash Rendar vs. Fomore ©

Fomore defeats Dash Rendar in 29:20 via submission WITH AN ARMBAR (variation)!
Statistically This match was more or less 50/50 with Fomore being the slight underdog. And I think that shows nicely in this match. Dash is much more physically imposing and not afraid to bring out some bigger guns early on. Fomore on the other hand, while they also have the bigger and impressive looking moves, such as a Crucifix Powerbomb or a Kudo Driver or even a DVD, the bulk of their offense is actually a good submission designed to disarm the opponent. Fomore used both types of offense and was able to win in the end. But it was hard fought. Can’t believe I’m putting over Dash like this.

Scene: VACANT shows up all red and everything and asks “to test something out real quick” it’s unclear what he means but then he beats everyone up mostly with his weakest moves. Granted Fomore and Dash had been in a grueling match just now. So much for ending on a high note.

[IGgy]

All right, last week I did not stream because I was tired as fuck watching CM Punk return the day before.
So this week I’ll do two shows! One on Friday, the other on Saturday. We’ve done this before so there’s no need to be confused. Weeks is just what we call episodes and also the flow of time is convoluted so y’know. That’s just what we get.

In any case, first you get the match card I already posted last week, which we’ll see play out on friday and the one that would normally be this week and… in fact is this week. On Saturday.

Heads-up that these links take you to the corresponding show on the twitch schedule, so nothing fancy here. But they do in fact tell you when exactly the show will happen in your local time zone.

@Match Card for Week 125 (On Friday)

Week 125: Long Live Satan
Right, last time VACANT absorbed SATAN’s powers. At least the parts he liked. So who the fuck even knows? Well, we still exist and the show must go on.

#1 Singles Match
Guzma gonna get wrecked because homelessness doesn’t exist in Pokemon.
Hobo One Kevodki vs. Guzma

#2 Singles Match
This should be suitably violent
Pig Destroyer vs. Kelsey Slaughter (w/ Maya)

#3 Singles Match
The classic clash of styles. But Lea can do some power moves too.
Lea Lionheart vs. Spitbal

#4 Four-Way
Well, these are just gonna go at it.
Mr. Shakedown vs. George Cluwney vs. Sexton Blud (x) vs. Sapp Ledesma

#5 Singles Match
We’ve seen neither of them in over a month. How does Sonic like Spiders?
Danny V5 vs. Harmony Gray

#6 Singles Match
Two successful champions face each other. Just only one of them was a singles title.
Pantha vs. Maya Northwind (w/ Kelsey)

#7 Legion Tag Team Match
It’s only fitting that The Union’s first defense is against a coffee elemental and a sexy skeleton
The Fun Gang (DCB+Skullistair) vs. The Union ©

@Match Card for Week 126 (On Saturday)

Week 126: Thousand Matches
This episode is named Thousand Matches because I realized that this episode contains our thousandth match. RIGHT IN THE OPENER BAYBEE LETS GOOOOOO!

#1 Singles Match
These two have the honor of being in the 1000th (!!!) OHPW match
Surfborg vs. Anna May

#2 Singles Match
Just a check-up. This is what fixing her arms looks like.
Tara Milleneon vs. Chief Engineer

#3 Tag Team Match
None of these have ever been in a Tag match (in OHPW)
Lea, Koji, Pig Destroyer, Hayley vs. Not Your God, Florida Man, Flash Hammer, Spitbal

#4 Showdown Rules (3 rounds, 5 minutes each)
A tale of two f-w*rds
Johnny Fuckyou vs. Suplex Goddess of Destruction, Motherfuckers!

#5 Singles Match
Would be one hell of an upset if Harley could do it…
Suzan Blades vs. Harley Havik

#6 Singles Match
With the ring being painted red and Isabel wearing green it might look pretty festive. Hail Satan.
Steve Dirt vs. Isabel Ibarra

#7 Seven Deadly Pins
8 Wrestlers Enter. Seven leave again. The deadliest pinner remains.
Malfest goat-Monster vs. Kayu Zakisaka vs. Supreme Sadim vs. Quackenduckboy Jr. vs. Doctor Mutant vs. Bone Idol vs. Undeddie Guerrero vs. Black ©

[IGgy]

Week 125: Long Live Satan - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 125: Long Live Satan
Right, last time VACANT absorbed SATAN’s powers. At least the parts he liked. So who the fuck even knows? Well, we still exist and the show must go on.

#1 Singles Match
Guzma gonna get wrecked because homelessness doesn’t exist in Pokemon.
Hobo One Kevodki vs. Guzma

Hobo defeats Guzma in 16:38 via Pinfall after a Diving Headbutt
They were brawlin’ and it was glorious. We don’t get that many of these matches. Normally when we have punches and kicks it’s a straight up strikefest. We got blood but not much.

Scene: The Fun Gang hang out backstage and just shoot the shit then Ricc shows up and is scared or whatever but he leaves and the Fun Gang just talk about their match instead.

#2 Singles Match
This should be suitably violent
Pig Destroyer vs. Kelsey Slaughter (w/ Maya)

Pig Destroyer defeats Kelsey in 9:23 via Pinfall after the Pig Destroyer I
Oof. This was kind of unexpected. Pig Destroyer was in control for almost the entire match with Kelsey struggling to get hits in. After less than ten minutes it mercifully ends.

Scene: IGgy comes out to talk about the status of SATAN and VACANT. SATAN is technically not dead but who knows what that means? And VACANT will no longer be booked and is stripped of the title. Naturally, at this point VACANT walks in and announces his intention to book himself instead whenever he pleasese. And he starts with Ricc 2 Thicc who he beats up very quickly.

#3 Singles Match
The classic clash of styles. But Lea can do some power moves too.
Lea Lionheart vs. Spitbal

Lea defeats Spitbal in 8:56 via Pinfall with the Make-A-Wish
Wow, we just had one of those. Lea is in control for most of the match. Spitbal gets some good ones in but nut nearly enough and Lea wins in under nine minutes.

#4 Four-Way
Well, these are just gonna go at it.
Mr. Shakedown vs. George Cluwney vs. Sexton Blud (x) vs. Sapp Ledesma

Cluwney eliminates Mr. Shakedown in 15:58 via Pinfall after Sapp hits The Essence of Neck Destruction
Sexton eliminates Sapp in 16:45 via Submission with a Buster Crab
Sexton eliminates Cluwney in 19:26 via Bullshit (handing him Cluwney a light tube)
Well that was a fuckfest. First we got Sapp doing his finisher on Shakedown only to be distracted but George capitalizes and takes it Then it looks like Sexton and Sapp join forces against the evil clown only for Sexton to betray Sapp, blowing mist into his face and following with a Buster Crab forcing Sapp to tap. Finally Sexton manages to convince the ref that George Cluwney used a light tube getting him disqualified from a match without DQ. Good shit!

#5 Singles Match
We’ve seen neither of them in over a month. How does Sonic like Spiders?
Danny V5 vs. Harmony Gray

Danny defeats Harmony in 25:39 via Pinfall with the Reincarnation
Whoa. Danny took it but he REALLY had to earn it He hit like four Emerald Flowsions (!!!) and the V5 Cutter twice and Harmony still kept going. But it was only a matter of time with this much punishment.

#6 Singles Match
Two successful champions face each other. Just only one of them was a singles title.
Pantha vs. Maya Northwind (w/ Kelsey)

Maya defeats Pantha in 21:36 via Pinfall with the Fly Me to the Moonsault
They were evenly matched, although Pantha did not bring out any of her big guns while Maya did multiple times.

#7 Legion Tag Team Match
It’s only fitting that The Union’s first defense is against a coffee elemental and a sexy skeleton
The Fun Gang (DCB+Skullistair) vs. The Union ©

Let’s see if I can get this right: It was a normal match until Skullistair decided that Josef is gonna die. Doing a DDT from the top rope driving Josef’s head not into the mat, but onto the a piece of wood covered in barbed wire. Naturally that’s it. Only not. Skullistair follows with a full nelso suplex on the same barbed wire board and Mina interrupts the pin. But Josef is already gone. He gets up but is merely existing. The next time Josef is down Skullistair puts their foot in his face and pins him. The quote that was under the nameplate when The Fung Gang entered turned out to be true and Skullistair delivered on “we don’t do tag team wrestling we do Gang Warfare bitch”

[IGgy]

Week 126: Thousand Matches - (Twitch VOD)

Well, 1000th match in the opener. Pretty impressive number.

It came up during the stream so here’s some more milestone kinda matches

69th match was Undeddie Guerrero vs. Kayu Zakisaka. Undeddie defeated Kayu in 17:37 via Pinfall. It got a 94% rating and happened on 16th March 2019

100th match was a Tag Team Match between The Dash Rendars (regular and Fat) and the Team Skull Grunts, which the Dashes won in 21:48 and got a 88% rating. Naturally this happened on 20th April 2019. Or 4/20 if you insist on writing your dates like a buffoon.

316th Match was Hellranger Flamander vs. Harley Havik. Flamander beat Harley in 10:58, which got a 91.71% rating on 12th October 2019

420th Match was a tag title match between 1 1/2 Dragons and the Team Skull Grunts, which the Grunts won in 20:50 via Pinfall. It got a 92% rating and took place on 18th January 2020

The 500th match was the Semi Finals of the Hellfire Tournament 2020 - Harmony Gray vs. Hellranger Flamander. Flamander defeated Harmony in 10:38 and moved on to face Grace (who would win) The match got a 83% Rating and it took place on 21st March 2020

Our 619th match was a First Fall Battle Royal between Maya, Palpy Koji and Danny V5. Maya submitted Koji in that match, which lasted for 15:51 and got an 82% rating on 11th July 2020

The 666th match was Harley Havik vs. Koji Kojinaka. Harley beat Koji in 21:58 via Submission. It got a 97% rating. It was almost exactly a year ago on 22nd August 2020

@Match Card and Results

Week 126: Thousand Matches
This episode is named Thousand Matches because I realized that this episode contains our thousandth match. RIGHT IN THE OPENER BAYBEE LETS GOOOOOO!

#1 Singles Match
These two have the honor of being in the 1000th (!!!) OHPW match
Surfborg vs. Anna May

Anna May defeats Surfborg in 18:16 via Pinfall after a Lariat
We were afraid at the start that this would be another one of those one-sided matches because you never know if it’s RNG or something breaking but it turned out fine. It was good. While the mvoe that ended it was a Lariat, Anna May did the Crunchyroll almost immediately before that but it got a rope break.

#2 Singles Match
Just a check-up. This is what fixing her arms looks like.
Tara Milleneon vs. Chief Engineer

Tara defeats Chief Engineer in 15:49 when the Explosion triggers and Chief is unable to continue
Explosion-Chan was redeemed for this one, so it turned into a barbed wire deathmatch. Chief now has tools at his disposal but… what’s this? Just some bats and sticks and… freaking footballs? He can’t work with this! But he tries anyway. Tara and Chief exchange blows, throw each other around, but what it comes down to is the explosion, which occured just as Tara was trying to pin Chief. That last, brutal, move must be what did it because Chief wasn’t able to get up anymore, whille Tara was.

#3 Tag Team Match
None of these have ever been in a Tag match (in OHPW)
Lea, Koji, Pig Destroyer, Hayley vs. Not Your God, Florida Man, Flash Hammer, Spitbal

Team Red defeats Team Blue in 24:29 via Submission when Pig Destroyer locks Spitbal into a Stretch Muffler
Just some good amount of tag team fun. Notable is probably that NYG from Team Blue controlled the match at the start which caused team Red to cycle through all their members relatively fast. Finally, at the end, we got Pig Destroyer and Spitbal, both of which haven’t tagged out in a while. Pig Destroyer continues with his momentum from yesterday while Spitbal may still be held back from is last loss, getting pinned in this match as well.

#4 Showdown Rules (3 rounds, 5 minutes each)
A tale of two f-w*rds
Johnny Fuckyou vs. Suplex Goddess of Destruction, Motherfuckers!

Suplex Goddess defeats Johnny Fuckyou via knockout 55 seconds into the third round.
I made the prediction at the start of the match that throwing people around is more likely to get you the win than punching people and boy did Johnny punch and kick but Suplex Goddess of Destruction, Motherfuckers! got in these suplexes and was able to decide the match for herself at the start of round 3

Scene: Suplex Goddess steps in front of the promo wall and challenges Grace AGAIN. This time to a Texad Deathmatch.

#5 Singles Match
Would be one hell of an upset if Harley could do it…
Suzan Blades vs. Harley Havik

Harley defeats Suzan in 19:56 vis Pinfall after the Killshot
Boy howdy did Harley have to put in the work for this one. Did the Six-Shooter like four or five times and a couple of Killshots too. It’s kind of like Danny’s match from yesterday only without burying the Emerald Flowsion, so better.

#6 Singles Match
With the ring being painted red and Isabel wearing green it might look pretty festive. Hail Satan.
Steve Dirt vs. Isabel Ibarra

Isabel defeats Steve in 10:16 via Pinfall with the Desnucadora
This one didn’t take a long time to finish but it was pretty itense. Shortly before it ended Steve Dirt locked in the MDK clutch, causeing her to bleed hard. She didn’t miss a beat, though and immediately followed with the sequence that would end the match.

#7 Seven Deadly Pins
8 Wrestlers Enter. Seven leave again. The deadliest pinner remains.
Malfest goat-Monster vs. Kayu Zakisaka vs. Supreme Sadim vs. Quackenduckboy Jr. vs. Doctor Mutant vs. Bone Idol vs. Undeddie Guerrero vs. Black ©

Kayu eliminates Doc Mutant in 8:16 via Pinfall with the Mahou Magical Splash
Duckbaby eliminates Kayu in 11:00 via Pinfall with the Lightning Spiral
Goat-Monster eliminates Duckbaby in 15:01 via Pinfall with a Choking Powerbomb
Bone Idol eliminates Goat-Monster in 16:56 via Submission with Bone-Tuggin’ Harmony
Black eliminates Undeddie in 18:13 via Pinfall after Fade to Black
Black eliminates Sadim in 20:16 via submission with absolute knee destruction
Black eliminates Bone Idol in 22:11 via submission with wreckin the knees holy fuck
Possibly the most normal match on the card for what it’s worth. Despite having the Duckbaby in it. I guess this just shows that you always bet on Black.

[IGgy]

Week 127: Devacate - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 127: Devacate
Saturday, usual time.
Ah yes, let’s go home. Next week is the PPV, before then we’ll determine a contender for the Hellweight title as well as a new Darkweight Champion.
And there’s other cool stuff too.

#1 Singles Match
Don’t let anyone tell you we’re not family oriented. We’re even sending a bear after the guy with a family.
Great Maharaja vs. Family Man

Family Man defeats Great Maharaja in 20:01 via pinfall by Trying His Best
Maharaja fell short again because he refused to end it. At the start of the match he was in full control but let Family Man regain some footing. Maybe one day he’ll learn.

#2 Singles Match
Time for Palpy to get Pilmanized.
Plumeria vs. Palpy

Plumeria defeats Palpatine in 16:52 via pinfall after an Asai Backbreaker
Mysteriously no legs or arms were broken with chairs. A bit disappointing. But on the plus side Palpy still lost.

#3 Three-Way (First Fall)
If it weren’t for Agnes this would be a big beef hoss battle
Agnes Paragon vs. Thunder vs. Sgt. Sprinklez

Sgt. Sprinklez wins in 11:33 via submission by putting Agnes in a Cobra Twist
The match starts off with Thunder and Sprinklez throwing Agnes out of the ring to duke it out. Naturally this doesn’t last. She comes back almost immediately. This continues for a bit. They don’t even interrupt each others attempts to pin or submit her. Until finally she submits, ending the match.

#4 Singles Match
How many Sunken Chests will Boob do? That’s the real question.
EGO vs. Boob Marley

Ego defeats Boob Marley in 10:28 via Pinfall after Super Ego Flying High
No (0) Sunken Chests in this match. Very uncharacteristic of the biggest chest in the business. Instead EGO lays it on think with their own finishers

Scene: VACANT comes out and makes clear he wants to fight Pig Destroyer, wisely but also foolishly, Pig Destroyer comes out to be destroyed.

#5 Tag Team Match
I feel like we’ve had the before times and the end times clashing already, but there can never be enough.
Caveman Connection vs. Fallout Boys

Caveman Connection defeat Fallout Boys in 12:25 via submission when Arggah locks the Mandible Claw on Rick Wreckage.
Wow, that was short for a tag match. But I’ll take it. They go back anf forth and at one point there’s a beatdown on the outside. But the Cavemen prevail.

#6 Hellweight No. 1 Contender Match
Danny earned this by defeating a former champ, but Isable really worked for this over a long time. Let’s settle this.
Danny V5 vs. Isabel Ibarra

Isabel defeats Danny in 13:15 via Pinfall with a Reverse Firebird Splash
Another one that was surprisingly short. Usually Danny goes gets all his moves in twice. But Isabel decided she’s gotta take this youngun out quick or she’ll get overwhelmed later in the match. And she did just that.

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Recently vacated, let’s find a new champ.
Harley Havik vs. Maya Northwind ©

Harley defeats Maya in 30:18 via pinfall after the Killshot
The two are fighting. And they go. However, Harley hits the Six-Shooter. SMOKIN’ SEXY STYLE! But what the hell? Maya gets back up but can barely move. She powers through against Harley’s offense, Withstanding multiple Six-Shooters and Killshots. Following with her own Run-Up Sentons. However, finally another Killshot keeps Maya down for good. Harley takes the vacated Darkweight Title

[IGgy]

Week 128: NIGHTMARE FICTION
PPV Time! And I got a name for it… too bad it’s so hard to read, what does it say? Okay okay, I wrote it out both above and below in a normal font. But even if I didn’t what it’s called isn’t important, what’s important are the matches. Check out the card below.

#1 Seven Deadly Pins
Attack and Dethrone the Deadliest Pinner
Dicky P vs. Bone Idol vs. Pine Appel vs. Vacation Skeleton vs. Midas Minoson vs. Suman vs. Great Maharaja vs. Black ©

#2 Singles Match
's time for some garbage wrestling.
Steve Dirt vs. Pig Destroyer

#3 Singles Match
Lightning is about to find out that despite her new appearance, Harmony hits as hard as ever.
Harmony Gray vs. Cock Lightning

#4 Singles Match
They seemed to have fun last week but Agnes was buzzkill. Let’s just let em fight it out.
Sgt. Sprinklez vs. Cock Thunder

#5 Texas Deathmatch
Suplex Goddess didn’t take Grace DQing herself well. Now it’s time for a match where you not only gotta lose, you gotta die.
Grace Thoruson vs. Suplex Goddess of Destruction, Motherfuckers!

#6 Three-Way
Man, I hope somoene finally makes Sexton bleed again. Maybe chairshots and headbutts will do the trick.
EGO vs. Sexton Blud (x) vs. Plumeria

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Harley fought hard for this. But she’ll have to fight just as hard to keep it.
Lea Lionheart vs. Harley Havik ©

#8 Legion Tag Titles
I’d be hyped for a lenghty Fun Gang reign, but these Cavemen are not to joked with.
Caveman Connection vs. The Fun Gang ©

#9 Infernal Hellweight Championship
Isabel’s first big chance. But Fomore is ever eager to prove themself.
Isabel Ibarra vs. Fomore ©

[IGgy]

Week 128: NIGHTMARE FICTION - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 128: NIGHTMARE FICTION
PPV Time! And I got a name for it… too bad it’s so hard to read, what does it say? Okay okay, I wrote it out both above and below in a normal font. But even if I didn’t what it’s called isn’t important, what’s important are the matches. Check out the card below.

Scene VACANT comes out and challenges… Isabel Ibarra, who shows up. However Fomore and the former (still?) Anti-VACANT alliance also show up. VACANT decides he can take them all at once. And wins

#1 Seven Deadly Pins
Attack and Dethrone the Deadliest Pinner
Dicky P vs. Bone Idol vs. Pine Appel vs. Vacation Skeleton vs. Midas Minoson vs. Suman vs. Great Maharaja vs. Black ©

Midas eliminates Vacation Skeleton in 6:06 by knocking them out with a Mexican Cutter
Dicky P eliminates Midas in 16:44 via Pinfall with a Running School Boy
Dicky P eliminates Suman in 25:45 via Submission with a Leg Lock Single Leg Crab
Black eliminates Maharaja in 29:29 via Pinfall after a Backbreaker
Pine Appel eliminates Bone Idol in 29:56 via Submission with a Kiss, mmmh, fruity fresh!
Pine Appel eliminates Dicky P in 34:39 via Pinfall with a Splash
Pine Appel eliminates Black in 39:22 via Pinfall with a Diving Splash
As always a shitshow and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Dicky P got two eliminations somehow. And broke his own neck multiple times. VERY good stuff. Unfortunately Vacation Skeleton was the first out because Midas decided to hit his Cutter extra hard today. Ah well. The match goes on, the chaos slowly becomes less chaotic and it’s down to Pine Appel and Black. Pine Appel with all the momentum of two eliminations on their side manages to pin Black with a diving splash.

#2 Singles Match (accidentally a Submission Match)
's time for some garbage wrestling.
Steve Dirt vs. Pig Destroyer

Steve Dirt defeats Pig Destroyer in 23:59 via Submission with a Buffalo Sleeper
Needless to say, this wasn’t supposed to be a Submission match. But it was. Not used to the stipulation it took them a bit to actually use their submissions. But eventually Steve locked in a Buffalo Sleeper. Pretty old school move considering his normal style but that how he do.

#3 Singles Match
Lightning is about to find out that despite her new appearance, Harmony hits as hard as ever.
Harmony Gray vs. Cock Lightning

Harmony defeats Lightning in 9:04 via Pinfall with a Deadlift Spinning Powerbomb
Short and sweet. Mercifully. Because the last match ran long. It was mostly competitive, actually, until Harmony decided it wasn’t anymore.

Scene: The Union are backstage, Angus has returned and is not Anus. Mina decides it’s a great time to celebrate and leaves to get booze. However, she’s tricked into a backstage fight by someone called KILL ANIME GIRLS and gets knocked out.

#4 Singles Match
They seemed to have fun last week but Agnes was buzzkill. Let’s just let em fight it out.
Sgt. Sprinklez vs. Cock Thunder

Thunder defeats Sprinklez in 20:39 via Submission with a Seated Dragon Sleeper
There was a lot going on in this match and Thunder even removed the strap. It was less Suplex City from his end, though and more of a variety from both. Naturally, they hit their hardest hitting moves on the outside.

#5 Texas Deathmatch
Suplex Goddess didn’t take Grace DQing herself well. Now it’s time for a match where you not only gotta lose, you gotta die.
Grace Thoruson vs. Suplex Goddess of Destruction, Motherfuckers!

Grace Thoruson defeats Suplex Goddess in 40:32 via when Suplex Goddess can’t answer the 10-Count after being pinned.
This went about as well as I expected. Only Suplex Goddess stopped trying to win after a while and just hit moves instead. It’s no surprise, given the stipulation, that this match took long. After all the idea is that you beat your opponent so hard they can’t even properly get up after getting pinned.

Scene: Mina awakens, Angus has found her and they get pissed at some dude having attacked their friend

#6 Three-Way
Man, I hope somoene finally makes Sexton bleed again. Maybe chairshots and headbutts will do the trick.
EGO vs. Sexton Blud (x) vs. Plumeria

Sexton wins in 25:21 by pinning Plumeria with a Tiger Suplex
Well, somehow everyone started bleeding except Sexton. We even “accidentally” left weapons in the ring. Sexton still managed to win without his blood power-up.

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Harley fought hard for this. But she’ll have to fight just as hard to keep it.
Lea Lionheart vs. Harley Havik ©

Lea defeats Harley in 11:19 via Pinfall with the Make-A-Wish
Oh damn, that was faster than I think anybody expected. Though with Lea you have to keep in mind that she either wins relatively quickly or it takes a good time for the match to finish. This was the former.

#8 Legion Tag Titles
I’d be hyped for a lenghty Fun Gang reign, but these Cavemen are not to joked with.
Caveman Connection vs. The Fun Gang ©

Caveman Connection win in 13:19 via Submission when Ungaah puts Skullistair in a Camel Clutch
Part of me is happy that this and the last match were relatively short because the final show was almost three hours long. But I also really wanted some Fun Gang Warfare. Ah, well. Caveman Connection come out of this with a strong win for sure. May their reign be long ans prosperous.

#9 Infernal Hellweight Championship
Isabel’s first big chance. But Fomore is ever eager to prove themself.
Isabel Ibarra vs. Fomore ©

Fomore defeats Isabel Ibarra in 26:48 via Submission with the Triangle Lancer[
After both Fomore and Isabel getting beat up pretty bad at the start of the show I’m not sure anyone expected a war like this. I’m partial to Fomore put I was rooting for Isabel as well she’s risen very slowly in the year she’s been in the company despite being consistently good.

[IGgy]

Week 129: Cosplay is Fun
Saturday, same time as always. And shocking the entire world, we even got some matches lined up. Check em out.

#1 Singles Match
that’ll teach ya to run into the corner and fall over, kid! j/k do carry on
Dicky P vs. Vacation Skeleton

#2 Tag Team Match
Both teams have a tag title reign that’s 6 defenses long and we’re giving this away for free.
Team Skull Grunts vs. Maya and Kelsey

#3 Singles Match
I didn’t consider this when booking but we good the old airborne vs. grounded dynamic going.
Kayu Zakisaka vs. Austin Ramon

#4 Singles Match
Pokemon is an Anime. Just saying.
Anna May vs. Sexton Blud (x)

#5 Four-Way (Elimination)
Wow, this match is kinda loaded! What’s up with that? No, really, I don’t know.
Harmony Gray vs. Ricc 2 Thicc vs. Freddie Hope vs. Muscle Wizard

#6 Singles Match
Go ASS! Face the blaze of Justice!
Arcade Legend ASS vs. Blaze Rider

#7 Darkweight Championship
In this match… someone’s gonna bleed. Wonder who.
Steve Dirt vs. Lea Lionheart ©

[IGgy]

Week 129: Cosplay is Fun - (Twitch VOD)
Well that sure happened.

We got another show coming today though.

@Match Card and Results

Week 129: Cosplay is Fun - September 24th 2021 - 22:00 GMT+2
Saturday, same time as always. And shocking the entire world, we even got some matches lined up. Check em out.

#1 Singles Match
that’ll teach ya to run into the corner and fall over, kid! j/k do carry on
Dicky P vs. Vacation Skeleton

Vacation Skeleton defeats Dicky P in 8:26 via Pinfall with Spring Break!
On one hand a surprisingly short match, on the other hand it was also kind of expected. This was definitely a blood feud. You could like… feel the aura of hatred and… yeah I don’t think either of them even knew why I booked this.

#2 Tag Team Match
Both teams have a tag title reign that’s 6 defenses long and we’re giving this away for free.
Team Skull Grunts vs. Maya and Kelsey

The match is ruled a no contest in 7:09 when Pink climbs the corner and gets a laughing fit.
Yeah, that was weird. Technically a DQ. But that’s dumb. I just wanna see them have a match. Look, I’m a mark too. We’ll run this one back.

#3 Singles Match
I didn’t consider this when booking but we good the old airborne vs. grounded dynamic going.
Kayu Zakisaka vs. Austin Ramon

Kayu defeats Austin in 13:58 via Pinfall with the Mahou Magical Splash
Good little bit of back and forth in this one. Kayu looked to be controlling it early on but it soon became more even but it was gonna be Kayu’s match. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA

Scene: Angus disguises himself as an anime girl in the hopes of drawing out KILL ANIME GIRLS. But KAG doesn’t show up. I dunno, maybe he’s just not here tonight.

#4 Singles Match
Pokemon is an Anime. Just saying.
Anna May vs. Sexton Blud (x)

Anna May defeats Sexton in 17:54 via Pinfall after… the Hero Pose??? Fukken buried.
Well, this was an entertaining match but it ended in the weirdest way possible. Then again, we’ve had a match and in a laughing fit earlier tonight so maybe this episode is truly cursed.

#5 Four-Way (Elimination)
Wow, this match is kinda loaded! What’s up with that? No, really, I don’t know.
Harmony Gray vs. Ricc 2 Thicc vs. Freddie Hope vs. Muscle Wizard

Muscle Wizard eliminates Ricc in 17:24 via Submission with the Mandible Claw
Harmony eliminates Freddie in 20:49 via Pinfall after a Deadlift Suplex
Muscle Wizard eliminates Harmony in 27:06 via Submission with the Mandible Claw
A lot more switching between opponents than we usually see in these matches. At least it felt that way. Changed the dynamic a good bit too.

#6 Singles Match
Go ASS! Face the blaze of Justice!
Arcade Legend ASS vs. Blaze Rider

This match is ruled a No contest in 10:38. After another extended top rope stay. Technically a DQ in ASS’ favor but I’m not having it.
Oh come on! Two in a single show? We’re definitely running this back too.

#7 Darkweight Championship
In this match… someone’s gonna bleed. Wonder who.
Steve Dirt vs. Lea Lionheart (c)

Steve Dirt defeats Lea in 17:57 via Pinfall after a Blood’n’Gutbuster
Wow. This made up for all the weirdness we had so far. Going big and going hard right out the gate. Steve gets some heavy hits in on Lea but she manages to make a comeback, hitting her finisher three times, almost in a row to catch back up. We’re going fast and brutal from here on, they go back they go forth and finally after much blood shed Lea stays down.

[IGgy]

Week 130: Unshackled - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 130: Unshackled - September 25th 2021 - 22:00 GMT+2

#1 Singles Match
Mystery opponents are cool. Let’s see what this’ll be.
Suman. vs. Toru Yano vs. F.O.E.

Toru Yano eliminates F.O.E. in 2:44 by shooting him with a gun.
Toru Yano eliminates Suman. in 10:43 by also shooting him with a gun.

#2 Tag Team Match
Couple more weirdos thrown together. There’s no method to this madness.
Majin Bob Sapp, Ricc 2 Thicc, Surfborg, Arcade Legend ASS vs. Black, Midas Minoson, Anna May, Agnes Paragon

Team Black wins in 12:13 when Anna May pins Ricc 2 Thicc with the Crunchyroll

#3 Showdown Rules Match (3 rounds, 5 minutes each)
This is the kind of shit we’re here for, fight the Pizza!
Hobo vs. Cheese Pietzza

Hobo defeats Cheese Pietzza via Judges’ Decision

#4 Singles Match
Been a while since the edgy goth boi had a singles match. Well, time to get kicked in the face.
Not Your God vs. Sapp Ledesma

Sapp defeats NYG in 11:15 via Pinfall after a Superkick

#5 Tag Team Match
A robot, a skeleton, a mimic and a zombie walk into a wreslting ring…
The Fun Gang (Robutt and Bone Idol) vs. Criminal Sanity (Mimic & Undeddie)

Criminal Sanity defeat The Fun Gang in 20:53 via DQ when Undeddie does his Chair Trick on Robutt. Oof.

Scene: VACANT comes out again and demands to face Black. Only instead of Black Sadim shows up. Sadim then reminds VACANT of how he unleashed his full strength against Suzan Blades and that he intends to use it against VACANT. This is the most offense anyone got ever in on VACANT since he took on his new form but it was not enough.

#6 Singles Match
You may think Suzan will obviously take this, but Hayley is on a five match winning streak.
Suzan Blades vs. Hayley Simmons

Suzan Blades defeats Hayley Simmons in 20:50 via Submission with the Hijack Backbreaker

#7 Seven Deadly Pins
Manic Misanthrope vs. Mina Park vs. Quackenduckboy Jr. vs. Super Samio vs. Florida Man vs. Guzma vs. Flash Hammer vs. Pine Appel (c)

Manic eliminates Super Samio in 10:44 via Submission with a European Side Headlock
Manic eliminates Pine Appel in 13:46 via Submission with a Sleeper Hold
Flash eliminates Guzma in 15:24 via Submission with a Stealth Viper Hold
Florida Man eliminates Mina in 15:36 via Pinfall after a Backdrop
Manic eliminates Florida Man in 16:44 via Pinfall after a Deadlift German Suplex
Flash eliminates Manic in in 22:29 via Submission with an Dragon Sleeper
Flash Hammer eliminates Duckboy in 23:12 via Pinfall after a Lariat

[IGgy]

Week 131: The Animes Strike Back? - 2nd October 2021 - 22:00 GMT+2

Well last show sure happened. There were things. Things that I don’t want to see repeated.

Oh!

Hopefully this update goes live, ideally before the next show.

We will run the matches back, rest assured. But that’s for the PPV. For now behold this week’s match card!

#1 Singles Match
Changes of Dash getting kicked in the nuts: high.
Dash Rendar vs. Josef Dub

#2 Singles Match
One of them surfs on a chair, the other breaks your limbs with it.
Surfborg vs. Plumeria

#3 Singles Match
Rick Wreckage mo like Rick Wrecked.
Abby Lawrence vs. Rick Wreckage

#4 Tag Team Match
CS winning by DQ ruined our usual booking of letting the winner of the tag match get a shot. Hopefully they don’t do it again.
Criminal Sanity vs. Wizards Not Allowed

#5 Singles Match
Yeah, just giving away the two Hellweight Champs with four defenses for free.
Pantha vs. Grace Thoruson

#6 Hellweight No. 1 Contender Match
I always root for the underdog. So whoever is not Suzan.
Suzan Blades vs. Kayu Zakisaka

#7 Legion Tag Championships
FOB get a shot because at least half the team (Doc) has won their last tag match… 16 episodes ago.
Fallout Boys vs. Caveman Connection