Week 124: Lest Jimmy Standing III
This Saturday we’re gonna have us a big show! Check out the card.
#1 J.O.B. Tournament FINAL
Man, what a prestigious tournament. Can’t believe Dicky P actually won matches somehow.
Dicky P vs. Flash Hammer
Flash Hammer defeats Dicky P in 12:01 via submission with a Stealth Viper
We are all happy that Dicky P didn’t look good in this match after somehow winning two to get there. It was just a fluke, whew… then again, lately he’s had a bit of a run, winning a title in Pandemonium.
#2 Seven Deadly Pins
Seven deadly pins… seven ways to win. You know the rest.
Plumeria vs. A Mimic vs. Black vs. Manic Misanthrope vs. Arcade Legend ASS vs. Blaze Rider vs. Nawt A Robutt vs. Muscle Wizard
A Mimic eliminates Muscle Wizard in 12:00 via pinfall with a Schoolboy
Black eliminates Plumeria in 16:08 via submission by destroying her knee
Black eliminates ASS in 18:30 via pinfall after a Broly Bomb
Black eliminates a mimic in 19:54 via submission by destroying its knee
Nawt A Robutt eliminates Blaze Rider in 21:48 via submission with a Guillotine Choke
Black eliminates Manic Misanthrope in 21:53 via submission with unrelenting stomps
Black eliminates Nawt A Robutt in 29:45 via submission by destroying his knee
Oh wow, what the fuck Black? While I’m going against the narrative that he’s “turning heel” he sure loves destroying knees and attacks in a much more primal fashion. Ah well. It did earn him the win in this match, where he eliminated most of the other contestants.
#3 Singles Match (BARBED WIRE DEATHMATCH)
Isabel Ibarra vs. Midas Minoson
Isabel Ibarra defeats Midas in 15:51 after the explosion triggers and Midas is unable to continue
For a second time in one of Isabel’s matches, Explosion-Chan is redeemed just before the match. Thankfully this did not see a repeat of when it happened against Dash. The fight was brutal but in the end, despite the explosion triggering, she could still stand, while Midas could not.
#4 Singles Match
No metter how we dice it, shenanigans are abound.
Vacation Skeleton (x) vs. Sexton Blud
Sexton defeats Vacation Skeleton in 25:32 via DQ by throwing a broken Lightube at them and pretending he got hit with it.
I’m not sure what it is with these two but they refused to stop fighting. They had to trick the referee into a DQ finish somehow… again. However, it was not Vacation Skeleton who would win in this fashion but Sexton.
#5 Singles Match
Grace Thoruson is challenged by an outsider. She received a note that simply read “Let’s go to Suplex City, bitch! Time to die!”.
Suplex Goddess is awarded the win in 11:15 when Grace does not answer the DQ count of the ref
This was some good s hit! Fuck yeah. Suplexes galore, throwing people around. This is wrestling, this is what we live for. Then Grace did the old “I’m not gonna stop puinching you” special move that gets her DQ’d which is a bit disappointing to be honest. But maybe they’ll meet again at a later time, who knows?
#6 Legion Tag Championships
Can The Union join The Fun Gang in the winnning title matches via DQ club?
The Union vs. Steve Dirt and Family Man
The Union deafeat Steve and Family Man in 29:21 when Josef pins Family Man with Ooof.
Okay, this is kinda crazy because, well, Josef got tagged in early in the match and then never tagged out again. He basically took on Family Man and Steve Dirt on his own. Something that you wouldn’t expect Josef to be capable of. Well, there was this time outside the ring with Steve Dirt where Josef got beaten up super hard so my suspicion is Josef forgot both how to feel pain and that this was a tag match. And he won. Bastard.
#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship - Lest Jimmy Standing Match
The letter V is on the line and Angus is pissed… but so far he could not put a dent into VACANT.
VACANT vs. Angus McMutton ©
VACANT defeats Angus in 13:53 when Angus can’t quite get up before the count of 10.
While pretty much all of us expected this to be less one-sided it is important that VACANT has gained a significant amount of power since the last time he and Angus met. So, although it was shocking it should not be a big surprise that it ended the way it did. VACANT decisively beat Angus.
#8 J.O.B. Capital L Palate Cleanser Over the Top Rope Clusterfuck
All seven people who lost in the J.O.B. Tournament
Dicky P gets thrown out at 6:34
Family Man gets thrown out at 8:48
F.O.E. gets DQ’d at 9:30 (not even supposed to be here)
Great Maharaja is thrown out at 10:01
Agnes is thrown out at 11:48
Suman is thrown out at 12:04
Harley Havik pins Super Samio after a Killshot at 21:11
Well, this match is called a “palate cleanser” for a reason. I knew the previous match would be one of two things: Either a decisive victory for Vacant or a heated fight in which Angus barely pulls through. So you kinda need something to settle down again, right? Well, In this here match we have everyone who lost in the J.O.B. tournament and F.O.E. somehow. Halfway through the ref realized F.O.E. wasn’t supposed to be there and DQ’d him. The rest is mostly normal stuff about throwing people out but somehow pinfalls and submissions were enabled so we actually ended with a pinfall when Harley defeated Super Samio to win the match.
Scene: [spoiler]SATAN approaches VACANT backstage, having seen him fight Angus up close SATAN is now afraid of his creation, infusing a part of himself into VACANT that according to SATAN should make VACANT less evil. VACANT collapses. Probably afraid for his life despite SATAN’s reassurance VACANT asks to be comforted by SATAN, after some hesitation he obliges and kneels down next to VACNAT…
… who then reveals he has learned this whole power transfer thing when SATAN did it and sucks SATAN dry. People just kinda assume he’s dead now just because that’s what it looks like but I’ll have you know if there’s no SATAN hell would collapse. Or maybe that’s in VACANT’s hands now, I dunno.[/spoiler]
Scene: With SATAN nowhere to be found IGgy jumps in as a referee for the main event.
#9 Infernal Hellweight Championship
Although his place here is well earned at this point… I hope Dash eats shit.
Dash Rendar vs. Fomore ©
Fomore defeats Dash Rendar in 29:20 via submission WITH AN ARMBAR (variation)!
Statistically This match was more or less 50/50 with Fomore being the slight underdog. And I think that shows nicely in this match. Dash is much more physically imposing and not afraid to bring out some bigger guns early on. Fomore on the other hand, while they also have the bigger and impressive looking moves, such as a Crucifix Powerbomb or a Kudo Driver or even a DVD, the bulk of their offense is actually a good submission designed to disarm the opponent. Fomore used both types of offense and was able to win in the end. But it was hard fought. Can’t believe I’m putting over Dash like this.
Scene: VACANT shows up all red and everything and asks “to test something out real quick” it’s unclear what he means but then he beats everyone up mostly with his weakest moves. Granted Fomore and Dash had been in a grueling match just now. So much for ending on a high note.