Week 122: Dawn of a New Menace
Another week, another match card. We gut us the singles debut of Surfborg and some other stuff that you can see below.
The show shall take place at the same time as always.
#1 Singles Match
I feel like this happened before. And maybe it did. But what’s important is that it’s here.
Super Samio vs. Great Maharaja
Maharaja defeats Super Samio in 12:09 via submission with a Stomach Bearclaw
Shockingly Samio did not really get much of a chance to regain her footing after Maharajas initial attacks. Maharaja managed to take the advantage and keep it throughout the match. That’s what got him the win. He advances to the next round of the jobber tournament!!!
#2 Singles Match
Surfborg made his debut in the 7DP that killed VACANT, showing surprising ability. Let’s see how he fares in singles competition.
Surfborg vs. Dr. Mutant
Surfborg defeats Dr. Mutant in 23:59 via submission with some Armlock / Single Leg Boston Crab combo
Well, this is where I realize that I accidentally had the match rules set to submission only. Ah well. Turns out neither of them knew either and only the ref remembered so it took them a while to realize that they should do submissions. Our Newcomer Surfborg is able to get the win here!
#3 Tag Team Match
Booking DCB to keep the marks happy. No, really, DCB is everyone’s favorite, including mine.
The Fun Gang (Skullistair + DCB) vs. Pineapple Pizza
The Fun Gang defeat Pineapple Pizza in 15:50 when DCB pins Pine Appel with A Transitional Move.
This match had it all. Canadian Destroyrs and… Canadian Destroyers. I’m pretty sure Pineapple Pizza did good stuff too but this was clearly The Fun Gangs match. Skullistair did the Chain Destroyers and busted Pine Appel open with punches and DCB wrapped it all up nice and clean with A Transitional Move.
#4 Singles Match
The Death of Balls
Josef Dub vs. Austin Ramon
Austin Ramon defeats Josef Dub in 16:17 when Josef DQs himself because he can’t let go of Austin’s balls.
What a shitshow! Austin clearly has the upper hand in this match but Josef decides to end it on his own terms by not letting go after he locked in the testicular claw. The ref counts to 5 and the match is awarded to Austin.
Scene: Angus comes forth and challenges VACANT to another Lest Jimmy Standing match. This time he challenges him because he thinks VACANT is a “richt numpty.” VACANT refuses but Angus reminds him that he still has his prize for winning the Hellfire Tournament which allows him to book one match (restrictions apply.) The match will be for the title of course, should Angus still hold it but the letter V will be struck from VACANT’s name if Angus wins. We will never say that out loud. VACANT then does a weird flex by attacking Angus right there but The Union show up for the rescue and VACANT decides it’s better to abscond.
#5 Singles Match
These will either finish in five minutes or over 30 minutes. There’s no in-between.
Blaze Rider vs. Hayley Simmons
Hayley Simmons defeats Blaze Rider in 8:08 via pinfall with some fancy pin.
This was kind of ugly to watch to be honest. Blaze Rider barely had a chance to turn the match in her favor because Hayley cut off almost everything Blaze did. Although the Fall of Dalamud did not end it due to a rope break it was clear that the match was decided as soon as it had happened and it ended soon after.
#6 Singles Match (Explosion-Chan redeemed)
Get 'im, Isabel!
Isabel Ibarra vs. Dash Rendar
Dash is awarded the win when the Explosion triggers after 15 minutes and Isabel is unable to get up but Dash is.
FUCK THIS SHIT!!!
#7 Seven Deadly Pins
May Majin Bob Sapp not necessitate the forming of an alliance to dethrone him.
Lightning vs. Muscle Wizard vs. Anna May vs. Quackenduckboy Jr. vs. Mina Park vs. Sgt. Sprinklez vs. Boob Marley vs. Majin Bob Sapp (c)
Mina eliminates Lightning in 17:18 via submission with Kiss of the Dragon
Duckbaby eliminates Sgt. Sprinkles in 18:24 via subission with a Trap Cross Armbar
Muscle Wizard eliminates Anna May in 20:32 via submission with the Mandible Claw
Bob Sapp eliminates Boob Marley in 23:05 via submission with a Fujiwara Armbar
Duckbaby eliminates Majin Bob Sapp in 25:46 via Pinfall after by launching himself headfirst into him like an idiot.
Muscle Wizard eliminates The Duckbaby in 39:39 via Pinfall after Some weird kind of upside down Lungblower
Muscle Wizard eliminates Mina in 53:46 via submission with the Mandible Claw
So we had a Battle Royal until it was down to the final two, then it turned into an extended singles match. They buried each other’s finishers at least once before finally deciding that maybe the match needs to end. At least it didn’t last an hour. Just almost an hour.
