OHPW - Business May Die [Fire Pro Wrestling World]

[IGgy]

Week 114: No Skeletons Again - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 114: No Skeletons Again
Same time as always* as we head towards skeleton wars!

We are building towards skeleton wars and we still have no skeletons booked. What the hell?

#1 Tag Team Match
Those from a time before history against those from a time after history. Cool!
Caveman Connection vs. Fallout Boys

Woah, this opening contest went for almost 30 minutes. And it was a tag match. Why would you do that? Eventually, Doc managed to pin Ungaah.

Scene: Vacation Skeleton hangs out in the Business May Die bar chatting up Susan, the barkeep when IGgy comes in to remind Vacation Skeleton that skeleton wars will be happening again soon and then leaves again. Japanese deathmatch legend Sans Undertale also shows up and orders Ketchup.

#2 Singles Match
Using a Hazmat Suit against a zombie is probably safe
Undeddie Guerrero vs. Chief Engineer

Undeddie actually lied cheated and stole in this here match. Winning the match with an armbar. But not after tricking Chief to go to the outside repeatedly where Mr. Shakedown roughed him up.

#3 Singles Match
I guess we can count this as a hoss-off
Supreme Sadim vs. Sgt. Sprinklez

Two people using similar styles do battle here. Sprinklez even took Sadim’s 1001 Nights, a move that’s never been kicked out of… and didn’t kick out of it. Because it was a rope break. Shortly after another Humble Maker was enough to get Sprinklez to his breaking point and tap out.

#4 Singles Match
Will Thunder finally unstrap properly??? If not he stands no chance against Samio!
Super Samio vs. Cock Thunder

Almost 30 minutes but it didn’t feel that way. A very hard-hitting bout. Thunder even removed the strap late into the match and despite Samio’s best efforts against that, Thunder got the win by submission.

#5 Tag Team Match
This is gonna be a shitshow. I just know it
The Union vs. Steve Dirt & Family Man

This match had it all: Kicks to the groin, punches to the groin, headbutts to the groin, groin claws, barbed wire baseball bat camel clutches. One of these things is not like the other but there was blood. The Union took this after Mina hit a running headbutt on Steve Dirt and sat on his face for a three-count.

#6 Singles Match
There’s some kinda grudge here I guess. It happened months ago. I forgot what this is about.
Quackenduckboy Jr. vs. Pantha

The big grudge match about the duckbaby using Pantha’s finisher that one time. We might have blown this out of proportion because Pantha didn’t even care enough to submit duckboy with the Pantha Claw and instead went for a Poison Rana to do the deed.

#7 Underworld Darkweight Title
Midas impressed with his third consecutive win last week… now it’s time to step it up. Drink the bru!
Midas Minoson vs. Angus McMutton

This did not turn into gold for Midas. But he did well fighting back against an Angus who is currently in the middle of the hottest run of his life. Midas drinks the bru and stays down for 3.

[IGgy]

Week 115: A Bone to Pick (No Skeletons) - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 115: A Bone to Pick (No Skeletons)
Final show before skeleton wars. We haven’t even mentioned Roll Dem Bones yet.

#1 Singles Match Match
Two of our newest arrivals clash!
Flash Hammer vs. Quackenduckboy Jr.

Flash Hammer defeats Duckbaby in 14:33 via Pinfall after a Star Dust Flash
This ended up being a very fun match. At least I thought so. And I like to think I generally have good opinions. Duckbaby didn’t try to teabag Flash at least. And shockingly Flash went for the pin after his finishing move! And won! WOAH!

#2 Singles Match
Both of these are on a hot one match winning streak. I think.
Pig Destroyer vs. Hayley Simmons

Hayley defeats Pig Destroyer in 15:50 via Submission with a standing armbar.
They just hit each other really hard for a couple minutes to be quite honest. Hit each others moves and everything. But oh, no too close to the ropes, but oh no, kickout. It was also mostly Pig Destroyer’s match but Hayley managed to mount a comeback and successfully wore Pig Destroyer down to win with an armbar.

#3 Four-Way - Legion Tag Championship No. 1 Contender Match
Team Skull Grunt Blue vs. George Cluwne vs. Muscle Wizard vs. Palpatine

Muscle Wizard eliminates Palpy after 15:16 via submission with the Mandible Claw
Muscle Wizard eliminates George Cluwney after 20:39 via submission with another Mandible Claw
Muscle Wizard eliminates Blue after 23:42 via Pinfall after Bigdawg’s Clenched Fist
For this one I honestly hoped Blue would win because I wanted the grunts to face whoever wins the main event on this show but alas, Goat-Bone, Muscle Wizard cleaned house. Shocking no one it was a clusterfuck they made a point of never splitting apart until people were actually eliminated. Muscle Wizard just kinda takes it after eliminating everyone.

#4 Singles Match
I say this every time but these David vs. Goliath matches never stop being cool
Isabel Ibarra vs. Cock Lightning

Isabel Ibarra defeats Lightning in 12:04 via pinfall after some flippy shit.
This match, sadly, was very one-sided. Isabel had it under control start to finish. If anything this match proved that Lightning can take punishment. Because boy. That was gruesome. Isabel focused much more on here high-flying moves than usually, perhaps to defy Lightning a little bit, who is a high-flyer himself but did not take to the air a single time in this match. Except when Isabel threw him but I’m not gonna count that for our intents and purposes. After just over 12 Minutes Lightning finally stays down.

#5 Singles Match
Sapp’s shown he can win under varied circumstance. But what if that circumstance is a Grace that turned to the dark side?
Grace Thoruson vs. Sapp Ledesma

Grace defeats Sapp after 14:50 via pinfall after The Saving Grace (Fall From Grace)
Boy, did Grace have to fight for this one. Maybe Sapp had to prove something, maybe he simply took issue with Grace’s recent actions even though he was not himself involved. But Grace would not be our tied longest reigning Hellweight Champion if getting her shit kicked in completely would get her anywhere close to the breaking point. What I didn’t realize is that Grace was double booked that night as she had a match against Harmony coming up in SEWL. Either way, Grace could have taken this one easy but she’s just too spiteful at this point. Defeats Sapp and then moves on to continue the beatdown after the three-count.

#6 Tentative Hellweight No. 1 Contender Match
There is a pending non-OHPW Match between Harmony and Grace that may affect immediate contendership
Fomore vs. Boob Marley

Boob defeats Fomore in 28:06 via submission with the Sunken Chest
Something must have been up because Boob was able to take control of most of this match. For every big hit that Fomore got in, Boob got in two or three. As if to spite our predictions for the number of Sunken Chests, Boob won with the seventh one. And wow, that did take long. Even though Boob got the bulk of the offense in we still went nearly 30 minutes.

#7 Legion Tag Championships
We just threw em together now they’re defending their title for a third time already. Wow.
The Union vs. Kelsey and Maya ©

Kelsey and Maya defeat the Union in 26:56 when Maya pins Josef with a standing Shooting Star Press.
We had like three garbage wrestlers in this match. And all of them are garbage wrestlers by a different definition. Amazing how that works out. That said, they were about evenly matched. For a team we just threw together, that doesn’t even have a proper name, Maya and Kelsey sure are proving themselves as a unit here, successfully defending the Tag titles for a third time.

As for Match #6: action shakespeare is running her own fed in WWE 2k14 called SEWL (Something Else Wrestling League) that has a PPV coming up soon. There will be an I Quit match between Grace and Harmony. I agreed to give Grace a shot against Harmony’s Hellweight Title if she wins that match. If that doesn’t happen (or doesn’t happen in time) Whoever wins between Fomore and Boob will face Harmony instead. Otherwise they get a shot afterwards.
If you want to see SEWL live go here https://www.twitch.tv/actnshakespeare
If you want to catch up on the five “TV” episodes that already came out check out this playlist on YouTube

Now, that show has already happened a mere hour after OHPW. Grace was not able to beat Harmony, perhaps the fact that she fought Sapp on OHPW played a part in this but this means that our No. 1 Contender for the Hellweight Title is Boob Marley

[IGgy]

Going live and starting OHPW, in about 15 minutes https://www.twitch.tv/iggy_igsen
Get ready for skeleton wars 3

Yeah, the time is wrong because it was an hour later last year and I literally compied over all the elements, so what, sue me!

#1 Seven Deadly Pins feat. VACANT ©
#2 Fomore vs. Anna May
#3 Isabel Ibarra vs. Cock Thunder vs. Pantha
#4 EGO vs. Haz Matt
#5 School of Slam vs. Kelsey and Maya © for the Legion Tag Titles
#6 Suzan Blades vs. Angus McMutton © for the Darkweight Titles
#7 roll dem bones 3
#8 Boob Marley vs. Harmony Gray © for the Hellweight Title

[IGgy]

Week 116: skeleton wars 3 - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 116: skeleton wars 3

skeleton wars 3!!!
Somehow, this is our 29th PPV.
To celebrate nothing in particular we got some matches on the card.

#1 Seven Deadly Pins
Let’s sicc the creme de la creme on VACANT. Former 7DP champs as well as his worst rivals!
Flamander vs. Dash Rendar vs. Mr. Shakedown vs. DCB vs. Mina vs. Hobo vs. Black vs. VACANT ©

Dash eliminates Black in 11:41 via Submission with a Stomach Claw
Mina eliminates Dash in 18:01 via Pinfall after an Ushigoroshi
VACANT eliminates Mr. Shakedown in 18:26 via Pinfall after Croyt’s Wrath
Hobo eliminates Mina in 21:27 via Pinfall after a Diving Headbutt
VACANT eliminates Flamander in 21:47 via Pinfall after an Izuna Drop
VACANT eliminates Hobo in 33:44 via Submission with repeated Knee Strikes to the head
VACANT eliminates DCB in 34:23 via Pinfall after Croyt’s Wrath
Despite our best efforts VACANT retains the Seven Deadly Pins becoming the first to successfully defend it more than two times. The biggest shock was probably Black being eliminated first. Sure, he was the first in along with VACANT and took a lot of punishment in a short time but it was still surprising. Throughout the match VACANT made liberal use of Izuna Drops. With this many fatal drops on their heads it’s a miracle people were able to last as long as they did.

Scene: Steve Dirt and Family Man hang out backstage and are just happy they don’t have to wrestle today and can just enjoy skeleton wars. Then Florida Man barges in and announces that he stole the skeleton tincture* from IGgy’s office. Family Man and Steve try to tell Florida Man that this isn’t how you turn into a skeleton, seeing as they did it last year for the roll dem bones but he’s both impervious to logic and actually letting his friends finish a sentence and rides off into the hallways with the intent to become a skeleton…

#2 Singles Match
Last month Fomore took on an entire team of four on their own and came out on top. Which was pretty anime. However…
Fomore vs. Anna May

Fomore defeats Anna May via Pinfall in 20:43 after a running Kick to the back of the head.
Despite the appearance of the two contestants one of them wrestles a more shoot oriented style, at least partially. That’s Fomore. Anna May on the other hand, after doing good at first, focused too much on doing her dance after a while. It’s impossible to tell if this was the reason she lost in the end, seeing it is also what endears her to the fans so much. But since Fomore was able to take it with a kick to the back of the head, not even a fancy move, speaks for itself.

#3 Three Way (First Fall)
Isabel defeated Lightning with authority. But here’s Thunder and a cat.
Isabel Ibarra vs. Cock Thunder vs. Pantha

Thunder defeats Pantha in 26:38 via KO by Suplexing her extremely hard.
Since this is first fall to a finish and the Pokeymanz Title only changes hands if the champion themselves takes the fall Isabel Ibarra retains this unsanctioned title. But she has plans for the rest of the night too…

#4 Singles Match
They had something going in the last 7DP, let’s let them settle it one on one.
EGO vs. Haz Matt

Haz Matt defeats EGO in 13:37 via Submission with The Containment Unit.
This one was decisive. In their last meeting EGO seemed to have Matt’s number but now in a one on one environment things are different and Matt is able to take control and keep it for the most part. He tries to finish it early. And keeps trying until he succeeds. EGO is not able to use any of their bigger moves.

#5 Legion Tag Championships
K&M took it from the School of Slam. Now they want to reclaim their titles.
School of Slam vs. Kelsey and Maya ©

Kelsey and Maya defeat the School of Slam when Maya pins Sadim in 22:30 after her corner run-up Senton
Opposed to their last encounter when SoS lost their title this one got the chance to become more competitive and didn’t end in a Crit. But Kelsey and Maya prove that somehow just throwing random people together trumps being a unit all along.

#6 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Two years in the making. They have not fought one on one since the finals of the first Hellfire Tournament.
Suzan Blades vs. Angus McMutton ©

Angus defeats Suzan in 19:08 via Pinfall after an Ushigoroshi.
It seems things were different now than they were two years ago. Angus comes out on top. Although, it bears mentioning that neither of them used their finishing move. They simply used other high-impact moves and a lot of them. Who knows how their next meeting will end?

Scene: Family Man and Steve Dirt find IGgy standing over Florida Man’s unconscious body. It turns out Florida went to IGgy, upset that the liquid in the skull (literally just water) didn’t turn him into a skeleton. IGgy told Florida to headbutt a wall, cause that’s how it’s done but didn’t expect him to actually do it. Well, he did do it. And that’s how he ended up on the floor. Whoopsie, no roll dem bones for Florida Man this year.

#7 roll dem bones 3
An unspecified number of skeletons enter. And that same number leaves because this is just a good time.

Vacation Skeleton[/spoiler] vs. IGgy vs. Bone Idol vs. Skullistair vs. Susan Barkeep vs. Sans Undertale vs. King Skeleton vs. [spoiler]Isabel Ibarra but a skeleton

Susan eliminates Skullsitair in 7:09 via pinfall after Michinoku Driver
Isabel eliminates Bone Idol in 22:39 via submission with a Hijack Backbreaker
Isabel eliminates Sans in 23:06 via submission with a Hijack Backbreaker
Isabel eliminates IGgy in 23:35 via submission with a Hijack Backbreaker
Vacation Skeleton eliminates King Skeleton in 25:39 via submission with a Crossface
Isabel eliminates Susan in 30:46 via submission with a Hijack Backbreaker
Vacation Skeleton eliminates Isabel in 61:52 via DQ by pretending she said something mean… the perfect ending to this hour long match.
First of all: Big props to Skullistair for putting over the nice lady from the bar instead of doing a million Canadian Destroyers but you really gotta start doing all these Destroyer variations I gave you, damn it! Second of all: Just look at the timestamps between that final and second to last elimination. That’s over 30 in-game minutes. 15 minutes in real time. What the fuck even! I’d understand it if I worked my magic to ensure a finish via a signature or finishing move but there’s a good reason I never do that for these big multi-person clusterfucks. Isabel and Vacation Skeleton duked it out for over 30 minutes at the end so the ending being a bullshit finish is all the better. Finally: The Pokeymanz title does change hands here as the rules for it are different than that of any other title. So Vacation Skeleton is the new Pokeymanz champ. Good thing we don’t acknowledge this title, which is why we mention it all the time.

#8 Infernal Hellweight Championship
Boob has been in the conversation in the past but never quite made it. Now he’s here to show what the biggest chest in the business can do.
Boob Marley vs. Harmony Gray ©

Harmony defeats Boob Marley in 22:32 via submission with The Arachnid’s Grip
I said this before the match but it’s almost surprising that this isn’t Boob’s first challenge. I completely overlooked when he faced Flamander. It’s clear at this point that he can compete at the top, but he’s yet to actually prove that he can stay there. Whereas Boob used like seven sunken Chest it only took one well-placed Arachnid’s Grip for Harmony to take the win.

[IGgy]

Going live and starting OHPW, our wrestling federation, in about 15 minutes https://www.twitch.tv/iggy_igsen

Here’s today’s matches:
#1 Dicky P vs. Grace Thoruson
#2 Arcade Legend ASS vs. Flash Hammer
#3 Vacation Skeleton vs. Blaze Rider
#4 Caveman Connection vs. Real Beer Float
#5 Suzan Blades vs. Rick Wreckage
#6 Freddie Hope vs. Isabel Ibarra
#7 Cock Thunder vs. Angus McMutton

[IGgy]

Week 117:Angus Must Die - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 117: Angus Must Die
Normal show at our normal time. And it’s got a card too! Whether you’d say that’s normal or not is up to you.

#1 Singles Match
Grace has to start from square one, I guess, so she gets to murder.
Dicky P vs. Grace Thoruson

Grace Thoruson defeats Dicky P in 14:31 via pinfall after a Triple Fisherman Suplex combo
No one expected Dicky P to last as long as he did. We don’t know if this was due to any amount of grit or Grace just playing around with him. But she did in fact get all her shit in and then decided to not stop (again) after the match had ended.

#2 Singles Match
Hey, Flash Hammer is basically a video game-ish character, right?
Arcade Legend ASS vs. Flash Hammer

Arcade Legend ASS defeats Flash Hammer in 28:27 via pinfall after a Snapmare Driver
I joked about it during the match but they did in fact have the undercard match that stole the show and if I ever got around to implementing the OHPW bingo somehow this would have allowed you to mark that square. They went hard too, you could almost think they have a grudge or something but nah. They just both decided to go for broke that day. ASS barely wins here.

#3 Singles Match
I always wanted to have that match for no reason in particular. Now I’m finally booking it.
Vacation Skeleton (x) vs. Blaze Rider

Vacation Skeleton defeats Blaze Rider in 17:16 via submission with a Ricpord Crossface on the outside
I wish VS would have won being pretending Blaze said something mean here like they did last week with Isabel but alas. Instead there was an actual wrestling move involved. And it happened on the outside too. Due to the Pokeymanz Cvrse this was a Falls Count Anywhere match after all.

#4 Tag Team Match
They have faced before and RBF came out on top. But that was then, this is now.
Caveman Connection vs. Real Beer Float

Caveman Connection defeat Real Beer Float in 15:38 via submission when Arggah locks the Mandible Claw on Sgt. Sprinklez
This was a weird one. I mean, the match went as normal as it could get. But perhaps due to the nature of the move that ended the match no one ever attempted to make a save in this match. In any case. CC ran it back successfully. Against RBF they are now 1:1. We’ll have a tie breaker in maybe a couple of months unintentionally because I’ll forget about it.

#5 Singles Match
I heard Rick is starting to get into singles stuff too. Let’s show him what it’s all about.
Suzan Blades vs. Rick Wreckage

Suzan Blades defeats Rick Wreckage in 23:41 via pinfall after an Argentine Powerbomb
There were moments in this match when I truly believed that Rick had a chance to take this. It must have been a combination of Doc Mutant being there and him actually doing really well

#6 Singles Match
Freddie personally requested to face Isabel. Must have made an impression. Or he wants to piss off NYG, I dunno.
Freddie Hope vs. Isabel Ibarra

Freddie Hope defeats Isabel Ibarra in 19:32 via pinfall after a Deadlift German Suplex
Woah, what the hell? A bit into the match NYG shows up. Both Freddie and Isabel fight back against him until he decides to leave again. The match continues. Isabel refused to go down even after being hit with the Last Hope. Freddie kept on the pressure after that and won with a Deadlift German Suplex shortly afterwards but Isabel more than proved that she got what it takes to hang with the greats.

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Thunder won his last two matches! Well, Angus won his last 14. Good luck. What more can we do?
Cock Thunder vs. Angus McMutton ©

Angus defeats Thunder in 16:05 via pinfall after the Tru Bru
Oh boy, this was gonna be the short and explosive match where Angus hits the Tru Bru after a few minutes for the win but Thunder said no to that. “I’ma throw you around a bit first.” Thunder nearly got Angus at some point but Angus would not be on the hottest run ever if that’s what got him down. After another Tru Bru Angus takes the win, retains the title and surpasses Grace’s previous record for longest winning streak.

[IGgy]

Week 118: VACANT Must Die - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 118: VACANT Must Die

#1 Singles Match
Finally they clash 1 on 1. Winner graduates from jobberdom. Maybe there’s chance for an ass-based team still.
Suman vs. Great Maharaja

Great Maharaja defeats Suman in 15:37 via pinfall after a Lifting Choke Bomb
For the first time in their lives they had a competitive match. That’s not true. We call them jobbers but it’s not like they haven’t held their own before. But they really had their back and forth here. First Suman no-sold everything Maharaja did but that exhausted him and he got gassed out. As the match went on the roles were reversed until finally Suman was not able to kick out of Maharaja’s Lifting Choke Bomb

#2 Singles Match
Florida Man challenges wrestling wiki. Gets hit with obscure trivia.
Florida Man vs. Manic Misanthrope

Florida Man defeats Manic in 13:18 via pinfall after the Dick Drivah
Woah, I think I called it before the match when I said Florida Man was too dumb for Manic’s obscure trivia to have any effect. Then again, I don’t think Manic even did the Obscure Trivia Suplex. The must funny thing is that I was trying to bury Florida Man’s finisher as he was doing it and won with it.

#3 Singles Match
My logic for booking this is that they both wear blue
Sapp Ledesma vs. Danny V5

Danny V5 defeats Sapp Ledesma in 13:45 via Pinfall with a Reincarnation (Satellite Headscissors Roll-Up)
This match did not feel as short as it was. It could have gone either way until the end. There were a lot of strikes from both sides, mostly kicks. Where they differed was everything else they did. Danny focused on agility and technique while Sapp focused on strength and on that day it just turns out that Danny was able to come out on top with a little finesse. I have a feeling that next time could be different, though.

#4 Tag Team Match
Which 2-4 members of each team will partake? I dunno, we’ll see.
The Fun Gang (x) vs. Criminal Sanity

Criminal Sanity defeats The Fung Gang in 20:21 when Mr. Shakedown submits Skullistair with the Wallet Squeeze
God damn it, Fun Gang! Everyone from your team in this match does Canadian Destroyers and yet we didn’t really see a satisfactory amount of them. The match concluded when Skullistair, who’d ben active in this match a lot, faced Mr. Shakedown who barely saw any action so far and the Wallet Squeeze was locked in.

#5 Singles Match
Stop! He’s got a family!
Tara Milleneon vs. Family Man

Tara defeats Family Man in 13:34 via Submission with a Modified Single Leg Boston Crab (That Move Grace Keeps Winning With (TMGKWW)
Oh shit. Tara showed no Mercy whatsoever. Hitting hard from the very start. Family Man made a brief comeback when unlocking Shin Family Man. But at that point it was already too late. She locked in That Move Grace Keeps Winning With ™ and submitted Shin Family Man

#6 Singles Match
This is actually the third time they wrestle. Kayu is two down. But their last singles encounter was almost two years ago…
Kayu Zakisaka vs. Undeddie Guerrero

Kayu eliminates Undeddie in 13:39 via Pinfall with the Mahou Magical Splash
After some back and forth in this match Undeddie took control. Even hitting the Frog Splash multiple times. After the third or so Kayu just kind of awakened and decided she was gonna win. Got up immediately and hit all kinds of violence on Undeddie until finally hitting her own Splash. However it’s not a Frog Splash it’s a Magical Girl Splash for the three-count.

#7 Seven Deadly Pins
I think maybe with someone like Ricc in the match we can dethrone VACANT.
Pine Appel vs. Plumeria vs. Ricc 2 Thicc vs. Lea Lionheart vs. Sexton Blud vs. Nawt A Robutt vs. Steve Dirt vs. VACANT ©

Sexton Blud eliminates Plumeria in 6:44 via Knockout with the Jackhammer Rolling Pin
Steve Dirt eliminates Lea Lionheart in 12:12 via Pinfall after the Blood’n’Gutbuster
VACANT eliminates Pine Appel in 13:08 via Submission with a Fujiwara Armbar
VACANT eliminates Steve Dirt in 18:25 vis Pinfall after an Izuna Drop
Ricc 2 Thicc eliminates Nawt A Robutt in 21:09 via Pinfall with a Thicctory Roll-Up
VACANT eliminates Ricc 2 Thicc in 23:50 via Pinfall with Croyt’s Wrath
VACANT eliminates Sexton Blud in 25:43 via Pinfall with Croyt’s Wrath
As you can see, tragically, we were not able to kill VACANT. Perhaps things would have been different if Sexton had started bleeding… but alas…

[IGgy]

Going live and starting OHPW, our wrestling federation, in about 15 minutes https://www.twitch.tv/iggy_igsen

Here’s today’s matches:
#1 Great Maharaja vs. Grace Thoruson
#2 Not Your God vs. Midas Minoson
#3 Koji Kojinaka vs. Guzma
#4 Criminal Sanity vs. Team Skull
#5 Kayu Zakisaka vs. Freddie Hope
#6 Fomore vs. Pantha
#7 Caveman Connection vs. Kelsey and Maya © for the Legion Tag Titles

[IGgy]

Week 119: Kelsey and Maya Must Die - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 119: Kelsey and Maya must Die

#1 Singles Match
Both of their names start in G. And one of them is a bear.
Great Maharaja vs. Grace Thoruson

Grace defeats Maharaja in 17:08 via Submission with that one move Grace keeps winning with (Modified Single Leg Boston Crab)
I can’t believe it took Grace this long to take out a bear but I think this might have been on her bucket list so maybe she was just trying to enjoy it as much as possible. Maybe we have to push Maharaja now, I dunno.

Scene: Tara leaves a room makred “Production”. She found a list of people to be in the next Seven Deadly Pins against VACANT and inserts herself into the match by asking IGgy real nice.

#2 Singles Match
Edgy goth boi and a horned chad with a heart of literal gold.
Not Your God vs. Midas Minoson

Midas defeats NYG in 15:49 by Knockout after the explosion triggered after 15 Minutes.
Because that’s right, this was a Barbed Wire Explosion Deathmatch
This was exactly what you’d expect of the two but then they both exploded. Well, Midas got back up from it and NYG didn’t so the match goes to Midas.

#3 Singles Match
The Ace goes against that evil Pokemon dude, holy crap!
Koji Kojinaka vs. Guzma

Guzma defeats Koji in 16:49 via Pinfall after a Rolling Lariat
There’s a pretty high chance that Plumeria’s interference actually cost Koji the match. We won’t know if Guzma tapped or not because the ref was too busy chatting up Plumeria.

#4 Legion Tag Team No. 1 Contender Match
CS more or less earned this by beating Fun Gang. But the Grunts are the gods of this shit.
Criminal Sanity vs. Team Skull (Grunts)

Criminal Sanity defeat the Grunts in 26:46 via Pinfall after EGO hit Super Ego Flying High on Blue
A really good tag match all things considered. The Grunts had it under control for most of the match until they abandoned their plan of keeping it in their corner for no good reason and just went around and did a couple of moves and then were overpowered.

Scene: Tara approaches Spitbal, who according to her list is in the Seven Deadly Pins match next week. She’s trying to form an alliance, and in fact has already convinced some others. Spitbal agrees as well.

#5 Darkweight Title No. Contender Match
I’m honestly not sure who the underdog is here. But Angus’ reign needs to end.
Kayu Zakisaka vs. Freddie Hope

Kayu defeats Freddie in 7:05 via Pinfall with the Mahou Magical Splash.
Real fast paced match here. Both went hard out the gate, near falls here and there, going into murder mode, both of them, but Kayu was able to stay on top and gets to face Angus next week.

#6 Hellweight No. 1 Contender Match
Last time they it was for the title. Fomore came out on top there but that was nearly two years ago…
Fomore vs. Pantha

Fomore defeats Pantha in 26:42 via Submission with Key Lock Armbar
Opposed to the previous match took its time to ramp up. They’ve faced each other before maybe they knew it’d be better to pace themselves, I don’t know. Both of them brought their heavy hitters, though for some reason Fomore never pinned after the Vertebreaker/Kudome Valentine/Kudo Driver/Copkilla/ACAB/Din’s Fire/Cop Caller/Reverse Gory Special Driver. Wow that mvoe has many names.

#7 Legion Tag Championships
Well damn. Kelsey and Maya are still champs. This is kinda nuts. This is their fifth defense. Let’s see what the Cavemen can do about it.
Caveman Connection vs. Kelsey and Maya

Kelsey and Maya win in 52:33 via Submission when Kelsey locks a Calf Crusher on Ungaah
This match was cursed and I don’t wanna talk about it, just look at how long this is, holy fuck. Maybe I could salvage this with editing but I don’t want to. Kelsey and Maya should have lost this for their refusal to tag alone.

Scene: Tara, still on her quest to rally as many people against VACANT as possible, tries to get Malfest Goat-Monster on her side. Needless to say it doesn’t work, MGMon beats up Tara in the Goat-Dimension. It was worth a shot I guess.

[IGgy]

Week 120: ALL CHAMPIONS MUST DIE
regular time, regular place. Everybody dies!

#1 Seven Deadly Pins
Seven deadly pins, Seven falls to win, Seven paths to hell, And your trip begins
??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. VACANT ©

#2 Tag Team Match
What’s the clown’s deal?
Steve Dirt and Family Man vs. Wizards Not Allowed

#3 Singles Match
I’ll take any excuse to see Palpy eat shit!
Palpatine vs. Pig Destroyer

#4 Four Way (First Fall)
Oof. I accidentally booked Dash. I’m trying to remove it, I’m sorry!
Vacation Skeleton (x) vs. Suzan Blades vs. Arcade Legend ASS vs. Dashosphere

#5 Singles Match
Freddie continues his proud tradition of not fighting NYG. But Isabel wants a go after their last meeting.
Isabel Ibarra vs. Not Your God

#6 Legion Tag Championships
I hope this does not take almost an hour.
Criminal Sanity vs. Kelsey and Maya

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Neither of these are strangers to being on the bottom. But they both overcame that.
Kayu Zakisaka vs. Angus McMutton ©

#8 Infernal Hellweight Championship
So they meet again, but on different sides of the challenger/defender dynamic
Fomore vs. Harmony Gray ©

[IGgy]

Week 120: ALL CHAMPIONS MUST DIE - (Twitch VOD)

@"Match Card and Results

Week 120: ALL CHAMPIONS MUST DIE
regular time, regular place. Everybody dies!

#1 Seven Deadly Pins
Seven deadly pins, Seven falls to win, Seven paths to hell, And your trip begins

Tara Milleneon vs. Surfborg vs. Malfest Goat-Monster vs. Sapp Ledesma vs. F.O.E. vs. Spitbal vs. Majin Bob Sapp vs. VACANT ©

[spoiler]VACANT eliminates Surfburg in 18:50 via submission with a Bow and Arrow Hold
VACANT eliminates Tara in 21:33 via submission with a Bow and Arrow Hold
Bob Sapp eliminates F.O.E. in 26:54 via submission with the Skull End
VACANT eliminates Sapp Ledesma in 28:25 via pinfall after an Izuna Drop
Bob Sapp eliminates Goat_monster in 30:24 via submission with the Skull End
VACANT eliminates Spitbal in 32:31 via submission with a Hanging Front Neck Choke
Bob Sapp eliminates VACANT in 36:06 via Pinfall after The Punch

It seems like Tara could recruit Sapp, Spitbal and Bob Sapp. Though I think whe was not actually able to talk to Bob Sapp because I didn’t actually put him in my draft. But maybe she guessed it, I dunno. Well, in any case. As you can see here VACANT and Bob Sapp are the only ones to eliminate people. And although VACANT was sent flying with a punch and pinned at the end, he still got more eliminations. But it’s true, VACANT is finally dethroned[/spoiler]

#2 Tag Team Match
What’s the clown’s deal?
Steve Dirt and Family Man vs. Wizards Not Allowed

Steve and Family Man defeat WNA when Family Man pins Chief Engineer in 23:05 by Trying His Best
This is the quintessential Family Man match. He simply tried his best and won the match with it. At the start of the match Steve was nearly pinned for a three-count after George Cluwney flipped out backwards. That’s just what I’m gonna call this move, I guess. But it all came up Milhouse for the Steve and Family Man

#3 Singles Match
I’ll take any excuse to see Palpy eat shit!
Palpatine vs. Pig Destroyer

Palpatine defeats Pig Destroyer in 19:16 via Pinfall with the Imperial Power Bomb.
A dark day, really. I thought Pig Destroyer had this for sure, that’s why I booked it. I just wanted Palpy to eat shit. But alas, Palpy showed that he’s not simply a joke. After all we need to remember that he used to be the longest reigning Bunny Champ in both LPFWA and OHPW. Although that was arguably accomplished via quetionable means.

#4 Four Way (First Fall)
Oof. I accidentally booked Dash. I’m trying to remove it, I’m sorry!
Vacation Skeleton (x) vs. Suzan Blades vs. Arcade Legend ASS vs. Dashosphere

Vacation Skeleton wins in 7:57 via DQ by convincing the ref ASS said something really mean. Which she did not!
This looked like it was gonna be one of those matches where they pair up forever. But then Vacation Skeleton threw a mic in ASS’ hand and screamed bloody murder. Somehow this convinced the referee to DQ her, awarding VS the match.

#5 Singles Match
Freddie continues his proud tradition of not fighting NYG. But Isabel wants a go after their last meeting.
Isabel Ibarra vs. Not Your God

Isabel defeats. Not Your God in 26:22 via pinfall after a Reverse Firebird Splash
Isabel had to really fight for this one, this being the longest match on the show. Her arms looked worse for wear at the end. Probably why she wasn’t able to do her Schoolboy Powerbomb and instead elected to go for some flippy shit to wrap it up.

#6 Legion Tag Championships
I hope this does not take almost an hour.
Criminal Sanity vs. Kelsey and Maya

Kelsey and Maya defeat Criminal Sanity in 15:41 when Kelsey pins Mr. Shakedown after Prey Slaughtered
I didn’t expect this match to end this “quickly”. Under normal circumstances tag matches last longer than singles matche (in Fire Pro at least) but aside from the match with the bullshit finish this ended up being the shortest on the card. Prey Slaughtered is a devastating move but not even EGO must have expected that it would end like this as they didn’t come for the save. But I suppose Mr. Shakedown going to the outside with Kelsey moments before did more damage to him than expected.

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Neither of these are strangers to being on the bottom. But they both overcame that.
Kayu Zakisaka vs. Angus McMutton ©

Angus McMutton defeats Kayu in 18:30 via pinfall after the Tru Bru.
Oh god, this match. Angus takes control but Kayu makes a comeback. We all believe in Kayu, maybe a miracle will happen! I guess Angus believes it too because he does something he hasn’t done before: An Ushigoroshi followed by the Tru Bru for the win. Throwing both of his most devastating moves at Kayu shows how much he was driven in a corner.

#8 Infernal Hellweight Championship
So they meet again, but on different sides of the challenger/defender dynamic
Fomore vs. Harmony Gray ©

Fomore defeats Harmony in 22:44 via submission with the Qutting Your Job For The Love Of The Art Clutch
They start it nice and slow. Some strikes, couple of holds… for about 10 minutes. Then suddenly they start tearing shit up. Harmony hits three consecutive powerbombs on Fomore, who in turn hits a few Crucifix Powerbombs. And then Fomore hits the Vertebreaker on Harmony, although on the outside. When the match goes back inside they continue at full speed until Fomore locks in the QYJFTLOTAC and Harmony has to tap out.

[IGgy]

Week 121: Six-Six-Sixer - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 121: Six-Six-Sixer
The episode title is a reference to the fact that as I was about to post it (belated, normally it’s wednesday but I was gonna do it yesterday) I got probated for horrible internet crimes on the something awful dot com internet forums.

I’ll never live it down.

So yes, this below match card will take place… TODAY! Whoa!

#1 Singles Match
Fun Fact: Agnes beat Angus before. Dicky gets beat up a lot.
Agnes Paragon vs. Dicky P

Dicky P defeats Agnes in 22:39 via Pinfall after winning at Rock Paper Scissors (Scissor beats Paper)
Thse absolute idiots just kicked out at 1 or below for more than half the match, it was only able to end after Dicky P won a Rock Paper Scissors match against Agnes. MOTN

#2 Singles Match
This is gonna be a sleeper hit. Probably.
Suman vs. Flash Hammer

Flash Hammer defeats Suman in 17:47 via Pinfall after a Lariat
I’m gonna say that Flash didn’t forget to go for the pin after his Finisher this time, he was simply unable to. But hey, y’know a Lariat is always a good move to end it. So he did that instead.

#3 Barbed Wire Exploding Deathmatch
I wish to see Palpy in pain but he beat his last opponent…
Not Your God vs. Palpatine

Not Your God defeats Palpatine in 14:46 via submission with a Cross Armbar
This match was made a Barbed Wire Deathmatch and at first it really looked like Palpy was in control, he got nearly all of his shit in. But then NYG came back and with just a few seconds before BOOM to spare managed to submit Palpy.

#4 Three Way (Elimination)
I hope thunder unstraps and shows his bod.
Danny V5 vs. Vacation Skeleton (x) vs. Thunder

Vacation Skeleton eliminates Thunder in 18:16 via DQ by pretending he said something mean about them
Vacation Skeleton eliminates Danny V5 in 28:13 via Pinfall after Spring Break
VS does it fucking again. Convinces the ref that Thunder said something mean about them. Wow! They can’t keep getting away with this! Danny than battled bravely against the vile Vacation Skeleton. But Vacation Skeleton still managed to come out on top by going on Spring Break with Danny.

#5 Singles Matches
This is gonna be the match we all expect to be really good but Suman vs. Flash will be better, probably.
Bone Idol vs. Supreme Sadim

Bone Idol defeats Supreme Sadim in 17:03 via Pinfall with a Huracanrana
Another Clash of Styles type of match, and they just go, doing their stuff. Sadim continuously trying to slow it down with Bone Idol ramping it up again. And they just went. This weird little tug of war ended with Bone Idol winning via pinfall eventually.

#6 Singles Matches
Big match and we’re giving it away for free!
Suzan Blades vs. Freddie Hope

Suzan Blades defeats Freddie Hope in 14:28 via Critical! with Knightfall
This is what we call a slamfest. A bit of back and forth at first then Suzan does the freaking Knightfall, but doesn’t try to pin, Freddie does the Last Hope, but not for the win, and Another time, but it’s not enough, and Suzan with another Knightfall, CRITICAL! Freddie is out!

#7 Legion Tag Championships
Two teams without a name… here they are.
Steve Dirt and Family Man vs. Kelsey and Maya

Steve and Family Man defeat Kelsey and Maya in 16:41 when Steve pins Kelsey after a Blood’n’Gutbuster
This was almost disappointing. Kelsey and Maya could have become the untied longest reigning tag team champions. There was a point in the match where Steve and Kelsey took it outside. Steve was hit with Prey Slaughtered but Steve was able to come back from that battering Kelsey with weapon shots, getting some more shit in. Back in the ring, Steve hits Kelsey with the Blood’n’Gutbuster for the win. Taking the titles from one team without a name to another.

[IGgy]

Week 122: Dawn of a New Menace - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 122: Dawn of a New Menace
Another week, another match card. We gut us the singles debut of Surfborg and some other stuff that you can see below.
The show shall take place at the same time as always.

#1 Singles Match
I feel like this happened before. And maybe it did. But what’s important is that it’s here.
Super Samio vs. Great Maharaja

Maharaja defeats Super Samio in 12:09 via submission with a Stomach Bearclaw
Shockingly Samio did not really get much of a chance to regain her footing after Maharajas initial attacks. Maharaja managed to take the advantage and keep it throughout the match. That’s what got him the win. He advances to the next round of the jobber tournament!!!

#2 Singles Match
Surfborg made his debut in the 7DP that killed VACANT, showing surprising ability. Let’s see how he fares in singles competition.
Surfborg vs. Dr. Mutant

Surfborg defeats Dr. Mutant in 23:59 via submission with some Armlock / Single Leg Boston Crab combo
Well, this is where I realize that I accidentally had the match rules set to submission only. Ah well. Turns out neither of them knew either and only the ref remembered so it took them a while to realize that they should do submissions. Our Newcomer Surfborg is able to get the win here!

#3 Tag Team Match
Booking DCB to keep the marks happy. No, really, DCB is everyone’s favorite, including mine.
The Fun Gang (Skullistair + DCB) vs. Pineapple Pizza

The Fun Gang defeat Pineapple Pizza in 15:50 when DCB pins Pine Appel with A Transitional Move.
This match had it all. Canadian Destroyrs and… Canadian Destroyers. I’m pretty sure Pineapple Pizza did good stuff too but this was clearly The Fun Gangs match. Skullistair did the Chain Destroyers and busted Pine Appel open with punches and DCB wrapped it all up nice and clean with A Transitional Move.

#4 Singles Match
The Death of Balls
Josef Dub vs. Austin Ramon

Austin Ramon defeats Josef Dub in 16:17 when Josef DQs himself because he can’t let go of Austin’s balls.
What a shitshow! Austin clearly has the upper hand in this match but Josef decides to end it on his own terms by not letting go after he locked in the testicular claw. The ref counts to 5 and the match is awarded to Austin.

Scene: Angus comes forth and challenges VACANT to another Lest Jimmy Standing match. This time he challenges him because he thinks VACANT is a “richt numpty.” VACANT refuses but Angus reminds him that he still has his prize for winning the Hellfire Tournament which allows him to book one match (restrictions apply.) The match will be for the title of course, should Angus still hold it but the letter V will be struck from VACANT’s name if Angus wins. We will never say that out loud. VACANT then does a weird flex by attacking Angus right there but The Union show up for the rescue and VACANT decides it’s better to abscond.

#5 Singles Match
These will either finish in five minutes or over 30 minutes. There’s no in-between.
Blaze Rider vs. Hayley Simmons

Hayley Simmons defeats Blaze Rider in 8:08 via pinfall with some fancy pin.
This was kind of ugly to watch to be honest. Blaze Rider barely had a chance to turn the match in her favor because Hayley cut off almost everything Blaze did. Although the Fall of Dalamud did not end it due to a rope break it was clear that the match was decided as soon as it had happened and it ended soon after.

#6 Singles Match (Explosion-Chan redeemed)
Get 'im, Isabel!
Isabel Ibarra vs. Dash Rendar

Dash is awarded the win when the Explosion triggers after 15 minutes and Isabel is unable to get up but Dash is.
FUCK THIS SHIT!!!

#7 Seven Deadly Pins
May Majin Bob Sapp not necessitate the forming of an alliance to dethrone him.
Lightning vs. Muscle Wizard vs. Anna May vs. Quackenduckboy Jr. vs. Mina Park vs. Sgt. Sprinklez vs. Boob Marley vs. Majin Bob Sapp ©

Mina eliminates Lightning in 17:18 via submission with Kiss of the Dragon
Duckbaby eliminates Sgt. Sprinkles in 18:24 via subission with a Trap Cross Armbar
Muscle Wizard eliminates Anna May in 20:32 via submission with the Mandible Claw
Bob Sapp eliminates Boob Marley in 23:05 via submission with a Fujiwara Armbar
Duckbaby eliminates Majin Bob Sapp in 25:46 via Pinfall after by launching himself headfirst into him like an idiot.
Muscle Wizard eliminates The Duckbaby in 39:39 via Pinfall after Some weird kind of upside down Lungblower
Muscle Wizard eliminates Mina in 53:46 via submission with the Mandible Claw
So we had a Battle Royal until it was down to the final two, then it turned into an extended singles match. They buried each other’s finishers at least once before finally deciding that maybe the match needs to end. At least it didn’t last an hour. Just almost an hour.

[IGgy]

Going live and starting OHPW, our wrestling federation, in about 15 minutes https://www.twitch.tv/iggy_igsen

Here’s today’s matches:
#1 Great Maharaja vs. Dicky P
#2 Harley Havik vs. Flash Hammer
#3 Fallout Boys vs. The Union
#4 Grace Thoruson vs. Undeddie Guerrero
#5 Florida Man vs. Ricc 2 Thicc
#6 Dash Rendar vs. Suzan Blades
#7 Bone Idol vs. Angus McMutton

[IGgy]

Week 123: Kid - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 123: Kid
And here we are: This Saturday. Usual place, usual time. Let’s Rock!
Finally, I’ve been waiting for this for 123 episodes: I can reference the 123 Kid in an episode title. That’s it, OHPW is over.

#1 J.O.B. Tournament Round 2
Wait, there’s a Tournament?
Great Maharaja vs. Dicky P

Dicky P defeats (WTF) Great Maharaja in 24:52 via Submission with an Armlock Boston Crab combo
Wow. Maharaja had this under control but refused to end it, wanted to play more with his prey than his prey buried the finishers of everyone by having the bear kick out of them at 1 or 2 and finally wins with some submission move.

#2 J.O.B. Tournament Round 2
Hold on, what happened to Round 1?
Harley Havik vs. Flash Hammer

Flash defeats Harley in 15:16 via Pinfall after the Star Dust Flash
Glad this was a normal match. We even had the cool story of Flash trying to outplay Harley at her own game (which is kicking people a lot, mostly with knees, but he didn’t really use many knees) and to the shock of everyone it worked! Flash even only needed to do his finisher once this time. I sense great things for Flash if he keeps this up.

#3 Tag Team Match
I feel like Josef’s total ball destruction was only a prelude to this…
Fallout Boys vs. The Union

The Union defeat the Fallout Boys in 34:18 (16:00+18:18) minutes via submission when Mina stomps a mudhole into Rick Wreckage
Almost at the start of the match VACANT shows up. No one really wants him there so everyone attacks him. Angus and Doctor Mutant also show up. But no one really seems to want them there when they really want to just help remove VACANT, what a shitshow. Eventually VACANT decides to leave and so do Doc and Angus. Finally, the match can commence uninterrupted. But what’s this? THE LIGHTS GO OUT! … … … no this is not an angle. The game just crashed. AND THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON! We restart the match. And it continues like nothing happened and The Union take it home when Mina just goes nuts and stomps Rick like mad.

#4 Singles Match
Movin’ up in the world. Zombie Eddie Guerrero is gonna force Grace to step up her game.
Grace Thoruson vs. Undeddie Guerrero

Grace Thoruson defeats Undeddie Guerrero in 8:11 via Pinfall after an Ushigoroshi
This was turned into a Barbed Wire Deathmatch and we all thought finally Grace is gonna get put in her place. But she still fucking did it. Didn’t take her long either. She just decided “I’m gonna win now” sooner than usual.

#5 Singles Match
Florida man challenges man thrice his size. Realizes mistake too late.
Florida Man vs. Ricc 2 Thicc

Ricc 2 Thicc defeats Florida Man in 7:24 via Pinfall with a Half Nelson Powerbomb
Well, this turned out to be your typical Ricc 2 thicc match. He didn’t really give Florida Man much of a chance.

#6 Darkweight No. 1 Contender Match
(clapping in the Terminator rhythm)
Dash Rendar vs. Suzan Blades

Dash defeats Suzan in 13:56 via submission WITH AN ARMBAR
I hate every time Dash wins and yet he keeps winning, it actually kinda pains me to see it especially when he does it to Suzan who used to never lose and would be a much better contender for the actual fucking top title. Fuck. But… it needs to be earned. So you gotta win, and Dash won.

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Even if Angus can defend once more here, surely it’ll be the last…
Bone Idol vs. Angus McMuitton

Angus defeats Bone Idol in 15:10 via Pinfall after a Tru Bru
Mathematically speaking, Bone Idol had about a 9% chance to win this. The numbers themselves do odds a disservice though because Bone Idol was doing far better than 9%. It was perhaps closer to 69% but Angus’ current tear through everything, with his Hellfire Tournament win, his 17 match winning streak and his 8 defense Darkweight reign. This marked his 9th successful defense

[IGgy]

Week 124: Lest Jimmy Standing III

This Saturday we’re gonna have us a big show! Check out the card.

#1 J.O.B. Tournament FINAL
Man, what a prestigious tournament. Can’t believe Dicky P actually won matches somehow.
Dicky P vs. Flash Hammer

#2 Seven Deadly Pins
Seven deadly pins… seven ways to win. You know the rest.
Plumeria vs. A Mimic vs. Black vs. Manic Misanthrope vs. Arcade Legend ASS vs. Blaze Rider vs. Nawt A Robutt vs. Muscle Wizard

#3 Singles Match
Isabel Ibarra vs. Midas Minoson

#4 Singles Match
No metter how we dice it, shenanigans are abound.
Vacation Skeleton (x) vs. Sexton Blud

#5 Singles Match
Grace Thoruson is challenged by an outsider. She received a note that simply read “Let’s go to Suplex City, bitch! Time to die!”.

#6 Legion Tag Championships
Can The Union join The Fun Gang in the winnning title matches via DQ club?
The Union vs. Steve Dirt and Family Man

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship - Lest Jimmy Standing Match
The letter V is on the line and Angus is pissed… but so far he could not put a dent into VACANT.
VACANT vs. Angus McMutton ©

#8 J.O.B. Capital L Palate Cleanser Over the Top Rope Clusterfuck
All seven people who lost in the J.O.B. Tournament

#9 Infernal Hellweight Championship
Although his place here is well earned at this point… I hope Dash eats shit.
Dash Rendar vs. Fomore ©

[IGgy]

Week 124: LEST JIMMY STANDING III - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 124: Lest Jimmy Standing III

[timg]https://i.imgur.com/47W26Sm.png[/timg]
This Saturday we’re gonna have us a big show! Check out the card.

#1 J.O.B. Tournament FINAL
Man, what a prestigious tournament. Can’t believe Dicky P actually won matches somehow.
Dicky P vs. Flash Hammer

Flash Hammer defeats Dicky P in 12:01 via submission with a Stealth Viper
We are all happy that Dicky P didn’t look good in this match after somehow winning two to get there. It was just a fluke, whew… then again, lately he’s had a bit of a run, winning a title in Pandemonium.

#2 Seven Deadly Pins
Seven deadly pins… seven ways to win. You know the rest.
Plumeria vs. A Mimic vs. Black vs. Manic Misanthrope vs. Arcade Legend ASS vs. Blaze Rider vs. Nawt A Robutt vs. Muscle Wizard

A Mimic eliminates Muscle Wizard in 12:00 via pinfall with a Schoolboy
Black eliminates Plumeria in 16:08 via submission by destroying her knee
Black eliminates ASS in 18:30 via pinfall after a Broly Bomb
Black eliminates a mimic in 19:54 via submission by destroying its knee
Nawt A Robutt eliminates Blaze Rider in 21:48 via submission with a Guillotine Choke
Black eliminates Manic Misanthrope in 21:53 via submission with unrelenting stomps
Black eliminates Nawt A Robutt in 29:45 via submission by destroying his knee
Oh wow, what the fuck Black? While I’m going against the narrative that he’s “turning heel” he sure loves destroying knees and attacks in a much more primal fashion. Ah well. It did earn him the win in this match, where he eliminated most of the other contestants.

#3 Singles Match (BARBED WIRE DEATHMATCH)
Isabel Ibarra vs. Midas Minoson

Isabel Ibarra defeats Midas in 15:51 after the explosion triggers and Midas is unable to continue
For a second time in one of Isabel’s matches, Explosion-Chan is redeemed just before the match. Thankfully this did not see a repeat of when it happened against Dash. The fight was brutal but in the end, despite the explosion triggering, she could still stand, while Midas could not.

#4 Singles Match
No metter how we dice it, shenanigans are abound.
Vacation Skeleton (x) vs. Sexton Blud

Sexton defeats Vacation Skeleton in 25:32 via DQ by throwing a broken Lightube at them and pretending he got hit with it.
I’m not sure what it is with these two but they refused to stop fighting. They had to trick the referee into a DQ finish somehow… again. However, it was not Vacation Skeleton who would win in this fashion but Sexton.

#5 Singles Match
Grace Thoruson is challenged by an outsider. She received a note that simply read “Let’s go to Suplex City, bitch! Time to die!”.

Suplex Goddess is awarded the win in 11:15 when Grace does not answer the DQ count of the ref
This was some good s hit! Fuck yeah. Suplexes galore, throwing people around. This is wrestling, this is what we live for. Then Grace did the old “I’m not gonna stop puinching you” special move that gets her DQ’d which is a bit disappointing to be honest. But maybe they’ll meet again at a later time, who knows?

#6 Legion Tag Championships
Can The Union join The Fun Gang in the winnning title matches via DQ club?
The Union vs. Steve Dirt and Family Man

The Union deafeat Steve and Family Man in 29:21 when Josef pins Family Man with Ooof.
Okay, this is kinda crazy because, well, Josef got tagged in early in the match and then never tagged out again. He basically took on Family Man and Steve Dirt on his own. Something that you wouldn’t expect Josef to be capable of. Well, there was this time outside the ring with Steve Dirt where Josef got beaten up super hard so my suspicion is Josef forgot both how to feel pain and that this was a tag match. And he won. Bastard.

#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship - Lest Jimmy Standing Match
The letter V is on the line and Angus is pissed… but so far he could not put a dent into VACANT.
VACANT vs. Angus McMutton ©

VACANT defeats Angus in 13:53 when Angus can’t quite get up before the count of 10.
While pretty much all of us expected this to be less one-sided it is important that VACANT has gained a significant amount of power since the last time he and Angus met. So, although it was shocking it should not be a big surprise that it ended the way it did. VACANT decisively beat Angus.

#8 J.O.B. Capital L Palate Cleanser Over the Top Rope Clusterfuck
All seven people who lost in the J.O.B. Tournament

Dicky P gets thrown out at 6:34
Family Man gets thrown out at 8:48
F.O.E. gets DQ’d at 9:30 (not even supposed to be here)
Great Maharaja is thrown out at 10:01
Agnes is thrown out at 11:48
Suman is thrown out at 12:04
Harley Havik pins Super Samio after a Killshot at 21:11
Well, this match is called a “palate cleanser” for a reason. I knew the previous match would be one of two things: Either a decisive victory for Vacant or a heated fight in which Angus barely pulls through. So you kinda need something to settle down again, right? Well, In this here match we have everyone who lost in the J.O.B. tournament and F.O.E. somehow. Halfway through the ref realized F.O.E. wasn’t supposed to be there and DQ’d him. The rest is mostly normal stuff about throwing people out but somehow pinfalls and submissions were enabled so we actually ended with a pinfall when Harley defeated Super Samio to win the match.

Scene: [spoiler]SATAN approaches VACANT backstage, having seen him fight Angus up close SATAN is now afraid of his creation, infusing a part of himself into VACANT that according to SATAN should make VACANT less evil. VACANT collapses. Probably afraid for his life despite SATAN’s reassurance VACANT asks to be comforted by SATAN, after some hesitation he obliges and kneels down next to VACNAT…

… who then reveals he has learned this whole power transfer thing when SATAN did it and sucks SATAN dry. People just kinda assume he’s dead now just because that’s what it looks like but I’ll have you know if there’s no SATAN hell would collapse. Or maybe that’s in VACANT’s hands now, I dunno.[/spoiler]

Championship Video

Scene: With SATAN nowhere to be found IGgy jumps in as a referee for the main event.

#9 Infernal Hellweight Championship
Although his place here is well earned at this point… I hope Dash eats shit.
Dash Rendar vs. Fomore ©

Fomore defeats Dash Rendar in 29:20 via submission WITH AN ARMBAR (variation)!
Statistically This match was more or less 50/50 with Fomore being the slight underdog. And I think that shows nicely in this match. Dash is much more physically imposing and not afraid to bring out some bigger guns early on. Fomore on the other hand, while they also have the bigger and impressive looking moves, such as a Crucifix Powerbomb or a Kudo Driver or even a DVD, the bulk of their offense is actually a good submission designed to disarm the opponent. Fomore used both types of offense and was able to win in the end. But it was hard fought. Can’t believe I’m putting over Dash like this.

Scene: VACANT shows up all red and everything and asks “to test something out real quick” it’s unclear what he means but then he beats everyone up mostly with his weakest moves. Granted Fomore and Dash had been in a grueling match just now. So much for ending on a high note.

[IGgy]

All right, last week I did not stream because I was tired as fuck watching CM Punk return the day before.
So this week I’ll do two shows! One on Friday, the other on Saturday. We’ve done this before so there’s no need to be confused. Weeks is just what we call episodes and also the flow of time is convoluted so y’know. That’s just what we get.

In any case, first you get the match card I already posted last week, which we’ll see play out on friday and the one that would normally be this week and… in fact is this week. On Saturday.

Heads-up that these links take you to the corresponding show on the twitch schedule, so nothing fancy here. But they do in fact tell you when exactly the show will happen in your local time zone.

@Match Card for Week 125 (On Friday)

Week 125: Long Live Satan
Right, last time VACANT absorbed SATAN’s powers. At least the parts he liked. So who the fuck even knows? Well, we still exist and the show must go on.

#1 Singles Match
Guzma gonna get wrecked because homelessness doesn’t exist in Pokemon.
Hobo One Kevodki vs. Guzma

#2 Singles Match
This should be suitably violent
Pig Destroyer vs. Kelsey Slaughter (w/ Maya)

#3 Singles Match
The classic clash of styles. But Lea can do some power moves too.
Lea Lionheart vs. Spitbal

#4 Four-Way
Well, these are just gonna go at it.
Mr. Shakedown vs. George Cluwney vs. Sexton Blud (x) vs. Sapp Ledesma

#5 Singles Match
We’ve seen neither of them in over a month. How does Sonic like Spiders?
Danny V5 vs. Harmony Gray

#6 Singles Match
Two successful champions face each other. Just only one of them was a singles title.
Pantha vs. Maya Northwind (w/ Kelsey)

#7 Legion Tag Team Match
It’s only fitting that The Union’s first defense is against a coffee elemental and a sexy skeleton
The Fun Gang (DCB+Skullistair) vs. The Union ©

@Match Card for Week 126 (On Saturday)

Week 126: Thousand Matches
This episode is named Thousand Matches because I realized that this episode contains our thousandth match. RIGHT IN THE OPENER BAYBEE LETS GOOOOOO!

#1 Singles Match
These two have the honor of being in the 1000th (!!!) OHPW match
Surfborg vs. Anna May

#2 Singles Match
Just a check-up. This is what fixing her arms looks like.
Tara Milleneon vs. Chief Engineer

#3 Tag Team Match
None of these have ever been in a Tag match (in OHPW)
Lea, Koji, Pig Destroyer, Hayley vs. Not Your God, Florida Man, Flash Hammer, Spitbal

#4 Showdown Rules (3 rounds, 5 minutes each)
A tale of two f-w*rds
Johnny Fuckyou vs. Suplex Goddess of Destruction, Motherfuckers!

#5 Singles Match
Would be one hell of an upset if Harley could do it…
Suzan Blades vs. Harley Havik

#6 Singles Match
With the ring being painted red and Isabel wearing green it might look pretty festive. Hail Satan.
Steve Dirt vs. Isabel Ibarra

#7 Seven Deadly Pins
8 Wrestlers Enter. Seven leave again. The deadliest pinner remains.
Malfest goat-Monster vs. Kayu Zakisaka vs. Supreme Sadim vs. Quackenduckboy Jr. vs. Doctor Mutant vs. Bone Idol vs. Undeddie Guerrero vs. Black ©

[IGgy]

Week 125: Long Live Satan - (Twitch VOD)

@Match Card and Results

Week 125: Long Live Satan
Right, last time VACANT absorbed SATAN’s powers. At least the parts he liked. So who the fuck even knows? Well, we still exist and the show must go on.

#1 Singles Match
Guzma gonna get wrecked because homelessness doesn’t exist in Pokemon.
Hobo One Kevodki vs. Guzma

Hobo defeats Guzma in 16:38 via Pinfall after a Diving Headbutt
They were brawlin’ and it was glorious. We don’t get that many of these matches. Normally when we have punches and kicks it’s a straight up strikefest. We got blood but not much.

Scene: The Fun Gang hang out backstage and just shoot the shit then Ricc shows up and is scared or whatever but he leaves and the Fun Gang just talk about their match instead.

#2 Singles Match
This should be suitably violent
Pig Destroyer vs. Kelsey Slaughter (w/ Maya)

Pig Destroyer defeats Kelsey in 9:23 via Pinfall after the Pig Destroyer I
Oof. This was kind of unexpected. Pig Destroyer was in control for almost the entire match with Kelsey struggling to get hits in. After less than ten minutes it mercifully ends.

Scene: IGgy comes out to talk about the status of SATAN and VACANT. SATAN is technically not dead but who knows what that means? And VACANT will no longer be booked and is stripped of the title. Naturally, at this point VACANT walks in and announces his intention to book himself instead whenever he pleasese. And he starts with Ricc 2 Thicc who he beats up very quickly.

#3 Singles Match
The classic clash of styles. But Lea can do some power moves too.
Lea Lionheart vs. Spitbal

Lea defeats Spitbal in 8:56 via Pinfall with the Make-A-Wish
Wow, we just had one of those. Lea is in control for most of the match. Spitbal gets some good ones in but nut nearly enough and Lea wins in under nine minutes.

#4 Four-Way
Well, these are just gonna go at it.
Mr. Shakedown vs. George Cluwney vs. Sexton Blud (x) vs. Sapp Ledesma

Cluwney eliminates Mr. Shakedown in 15:58 via Pinfall after Sapp hits The Essence of Neck Destruction
Sexton eliminates Sapp in 16:45 via Submission with a Buster Crab
Sexton eliminates Cluwney in 19:26 via Bullshit (handing him Cluwney a light tube)
Well that was a fuckfest. First we got Sapp doing his finisher on Shakedown only to be distracted but George capitalizes and takes it Then it looks like Sexton and Sapp join forces against the evil clown only for Sexton to betray Sapp, blowing mist into his face and following with a Buster Crab forcing Sapp to tap. Finally Sexton manages to convince the ref that George Cluwney used a light tube getting him disqualified from a match without DQ. Good shit!

#5 Singles Match
We’ve seen neither of them in over a month. How does Sonic like Spiders?
Danny V5 vs. Harmony Gray

Danny defeats Harmony in 25:39 via Pinfall with the Reincarnation
Whoa. Danny took it but he REALLY had to earn it He hit like four Emerald Flowsions (!!!) and the V5 Cutter twice and Harmony still kept going. But it was only a matter of time with this much punishment.

#6 Singles Match
Two successful champions face each other. Just only one of them was a singles title.
Pantha vs. Maya Northwind (w/ Kelsey)

Maya defeats Pantha in 21:36 via Pinfall with the Fly Me to the Moonsault
They were evenly matched, although Pantha did not bring out any of her big guns while Maya did multiple times.

#7 Legion Tag Team Match
It’s only fitting that The Union’s first defense is against a coffee elemental and a sexy skeleton
The Fun Gang (DCB+Skullistair) vs. The Union ©

Let’s see if I can get this right: It was a normal match until Skullistair decided that Josef is gonna die. Doing a DDT from the top rope driving Josef’s head not into the mat, but onto the a piece of wood covered in barbed wire. Naturally that’s it. Only not. Skullistair follows with a full nelso suplex on the same barbed wire board and Mina interrupts the pin. But Josef is already gone. He gets up but is merely existing. The next time Josef is down Skullistair puts their foot in his face and pins him. The quote that was under the nameplate when The Fung Gang entered turned out to be true and Skullistair delivered on “we don’t do tag team wrestling we do Gang Warfare bitch”

[IGgy]

Week 126: Thousand Matches - (Twitch VOD)

Well, 1000th match in the opener. Pretty impressive number.

It came up during the stream so here’s some more milestone kinda matches

69th match was Undeddie Guerrero vs. Kayu Zakisaka. Undeddie defeated Kayu in 17:37 via Pinfall. It got a 94% rating and happened on 16th March 2019

100th match was a Tag Team Match between The Dash Rendars (regular and Fat) and the Team Skull Grunts, which the Dashes won in 21:48 and got a 88% rating. Naturally this happened on 20th April 2019. Or 4/20 if you insist on writing your dates like a buffoon.

316th Match was Hellranger Flamander vs. Harley Havik. Flamander beat Harley in 10:58, which got a 91.71% rating on 12th October 2019

420th Match was a tag title match between 1 1/2 Dragons and the Team Skull Grunts, which the Grunts won in 20:50 via Pinfall. It got a 92% rating and took place on 18th January 2020

The 500th match was the Semi Finals of the Hellfire Tournament 2020 - Harmony Gray vs. Hellranger Flamander. Flamander defeated Harmony in 10:38 and moved on to face Grace (who would win) The match got a 83% Rating and it took place on 21st March 2020

Our 619th match was a First Fall Battle Royal between Maya, Palpy Koji and Danny V5. Maya submitted Koji in that match, which lasted for 15:51 and got an 82% rating on 11th July 2020

The 666th match was Harley Havik vs. Koji Kojinaka. Harley beat Koji in 21:58 via Submission. It got a 97% rating. It was almost exactly a year ago on 22nd August 2020

@Match Card and Results

Week 126: Thousand Matches
This episode is named Thousand Matches because I realized that this episode contains our thousandth match. RIGHT IN THE OPENER BAYBEE LETS GOOOOOO!

#1 Singles Match
These two have the honor of being in the 1000th (!!!) OHPW match
Surfborg vs. Anna May

Anna May defeats Surfborg in 18:16 via Pinfall after a Lariat
We were afraid at the start that this would be another one of those one-sided matches because you never know if it’s RNG or something breaking but it turned out fine. It was good. While the mvoe that ended it was a Lariat, Anna May did the Crunchyroll almost immediately before that but it got a rope break.

#2 Singles Match
Just a check-up. This is what fixing her arms looks like.
Tara Milleneon vs. Chief Engineer

Tara defeats Chief Engineer in 15:49 when the Explosion triggers and Chief is unable to continue
Explosion-Chan was redeemed for this one, so it turned into a barbed wire deathmatch. Chief now has tools at his disposal but… what’s this? Just some bats and sticks and… freaking footballs? He can’t work with this! But he tries anyway. Tara and Chief exchange blows, throw each other around, but what it comes down to is the explosion, which occured just as Tara was trying to pin Chief. That last, brutal, move must be what did it because Chief wasn’t able to get up anymore, whille Tara was.

#3 Tag Team Match
None of these have ever been in a Tag match (in OHPW)
Lea, Koji, Pig Destroyer, Hayley vs. Not Your God, Florida Man, Flash Hammer, Spitbal

Team Red defeats Team Blue in 24:29 via Submission when Pig Destroyer locks Spitbal into a Stretch Muffler
Just some good amount of tag team fun. Notable is probably that NYG from Team Blue controlled the match at the start which caused team Red to cycle through all their members relatively fast. Finally, at the end, we got Pig Destroyer and Spitbal, both of which haven’t tagged out in a while. Pig Destroyer continues with his momentum from yesterday while Spitbal may still be held back from is last loss, getting pinned in this match as well.

#4 Showdown Rules (3 rounds, 5 minutes each)
A tale of two f-w*rds
Johnny Fuckyou vs. Suplex Goddess of Destruction, Motherfuckers!

Suplex Goddess defeats Johnny Fuckyou via knockout 55 seconds into the third round.
I made the prediction at the start of the match that throwing people around is more likely to get you the win than punching people and boy did Johnny punch and kick but Suplex Goddess of Destruction, Motherfuckers! got in these suplexes and was able to decide the match for herself at the start of round 3

Scene: Suplex Goddess steps in front of the promo wall and challenges Grace AGAIN. This time to a Texad Deathmatch.

#5 Singles Match
Would be one hell of an upset if Harley could do it…
Suzan Blades vs. Harley Havik

Harley defeats Suzan in 19:56 vis Pinfall after the Killshot
Boy howdy did Harley have to put in the work for this one. Did the Six-Shooter like four or five times and a couple of Killshots too. It’s kind of like Danny’s match from yesterday only without burying the Emerald Flowsion, so better.

#6 Singles Match
With the ring being painted red and Isabel wearing green it might look pretty festive. Hail Satan.
Steve Dirt vs. Isabel Ibarra

Isabel defeats Steve in 10:16 via Pinfall with the Desnucadora
This one didn’t take a long time to finish but it was pretty itense. Shortly before it ended Steve Dirt locked in the MDK clutch, causeing her to bleed hard. She didn’t miss a beat, though and immediately followed with the sequence that would end the match.

#7 Seven Deadly Pins
8 Wrestlers Enter. Seven leave again. The deadliest pinner remains.
Malfest goat-Monster vs. Kayu Zakisaka vs. Supreme Sadim vs. Quackenduckboy Jr. vs. Doctor Mutant vs. Bone Idol vs. Undeddie Guerrero vs. Black ©

Kayu eliminates Doc Mutant in 8:16 via Pinfall with the Mahou Magical Splash
Duckbaby eliminates Kayu in 11:00 via Pinfall with the Lightning Spiral
Goat-Monster eliminates Duckbaby in 15:01 via Pinfall with a Choking Powerbomb
Bone Idol eliminates Goat-Monster in 16:56 via Submission with Bone-Tuggin’ Harmony
Black eliminates Undeddie in 18:13 via Pinfall after Fade to Black
Black eliminates Sadim in 20:16 via submission with absolute knee destruction
Black eliminates Bone Idol in 22:11 via submission with wreckin the knees holy fuck
Possibly the most normal match on the card for what it’s worth. Despite having the Duckbaby in it. I guess this just shows that you always bet on Black.