Week 116: skeleton wars 3
skeleton wars 3!!!
Somehow, this is our 29th PPV.
To celebrate nothing in particular we got some matches on the card.
#1 Seven Deadly Pins
Let’s sicc the creme de la creme on VACANT. Former 7DP champs as well as his worst rivals!
Flamander vs. Dash Rendar vs. Mr. Shakedown vs. DCB vs. Mina vs. Hobo vs. Black vs. VACANT (c)
Dash eliminates Black in 11:41 via Submission with a Stomach Claw
Mina eliminates Dash in 18:01 via Pinfall after an Ushigoroshi
VACANT eliminates Mr. Shakedown in 18:26 via Pinfall after Croyt’s Wrath
Hobo eliminates Mina in 21:27 via Pinfall after a Diving Headbutt
VACANT eliminates Flamander in 21:47 via Pinfall after an Izuna Drop
VACANT eliminates Hobo in 33:44 via Submission with repeated Knee Strikes to the head
VACANT eliminates DCB in 34:23 via Pinfall after Croyt’s Wrath
Despite our best efforts VACANT retains the Seven Deadly Pins becoming the first to successfully defend it more than two times. The biggest shock was probably Black being eliminated first. Sure, he was the first in along with VACANT and took a lot of punishment in a short time but it was still surprising. Throughout the match VACANT made liberal use of Izuna Drops. With this many fatal drops on their heads it’s a miracle people were able to last as long as they did.
Scene: Steve Dirt and Family Man hang out backstage and are just happy they don’t have to wrestle today and can just enjoy skeleton wars. Then Florida Man barges in and announces that he stole the skeleton tincture* from IGgy’s office. Family Man and Steve try to tell Florida Man that this isn’t how you turn into a skeleton, seeing as they did it last year for the roll dem bones but he’s both impervious to logic and actually letting his friends finish a sentence and rides off into the hallways with the intent to become a skeleton…
#2 Singles Match
Last month Fomore took on an entire team of four on their own and came out on top. Which was pretty anime. However…
Fomore vs. Anna May
Fomore defeats Anna May via Pinfall in 20:43 after a running Kick to the back of the head.
Despite the appearance of the two contestants one of them wrestles a more shoot oriented style, at least partially. That’s Fomore. Anna May on the other hand, after doing good at first, focused too much on doing her dance after a while. It’s impossible to tell if this was the reason she lost in the end, seeing it is also what endears her to the fans so much. But since Fomore was able to take it with a kick to the back of the head, not even a fancy move, speaks for itself.
#3 Three Way (First Fall)
Isabel defeated Lightning with authority. But here’s Thunder and a cat.
Isabel Ibarra vs. Cock Thunder vs. Pantha
Thunder defeats Pantha in 26:38 via KO by Suplexing her extremely hard.
Since this is first fall to a finish and the Pokeymanz Title only changes hands if the champion themselves takes the fall Isabel Ibarra retains this unsanctioned title. But she has plans for the rest of the night too…
#4 Singles Match
They had something going in the last 7DP, let’s let them settle it one on one.
EGO vs. Haz Matt
Haz Matt defeats EGO in 13:37 via Submission with The Containment Unit.
This one was decisive. In their last meeting EGO seemed to have Matt’s number but now in a one on one environment things are different and Matt is able to take control and keep it for the most part. He tries to finish it early. And keeps trying until he succeeds. EGO is not able to use any of their bigger moves.
#5 Legion Tag Championships
K&M took it from the School of Slam. Now they want to reclaim their titles.
School of Slam vs. Kelsey and Maya (c)
Kelsey and Maya defeat the School of Slam when Maya pins Sadim in 22:30 after her corner run-up Senton
Opposed to their last encounter when SoS lost their title this one got the chance to become more competitive and didn’t end in a Crit. But Kelsey and Maya prove that somehow just throwing random people together trumps being a unit all along.
#6 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Two years in the making. They have not fought one on one since the finals of the first Hellfire Tournament.
Suzan Blades vs. Angus McMutton (c)
Angus defeats Suzan in 19:08 via Pinfall after an Ushigoroshi.
It seems things were different now than they were two years ago. Angus comes out on top. Although, it bears mentioning that neither of them used their finishing move. They simply used other high-impact moves and a lot of them. Who knows how their next meeting will end?
Scene: Family Man and Steve Dirt find IGgy standing over Florida Man’s unconscious body. It turns out Florida went to IGgy, upset that the liquid in the skull (literally just water) didn’t turn him into a skeleton. IGgy told Florida to headbutt a wall, cause that’s how it’s done but didn’t expect him to actually do it. Well, he did do it. And that’s how he ended up on the floor. Whoopsie, no roll dem bones for Florida Man this year.
#7 roll dem bones 3
An unspecified number of skeletons enter. And that same number leaves because this is just a good time.
Vacation Skeleton[/spoiler] vs. IGgy vs. Bone Idol vs. Skullistair vs. Susan Barkeep vs. Sans Undertale vs. King Skeleton vs. [spoiler]Isabel Ibarra but a skeleton
Susan eliminates Skullsitair in 7:09 via pinfall after Michinoku Driver
Isabel eliminates Bone Idol in 22:39 via submission with a Hijack Backbreaker
Isabel eliminates Sans in 23:06 via submission with a Hijack Backbreaker
Isabel eliminates IGgy in 23:35 via submission with a Hijack Backbreaker
Vacation Skeleton eliminates King Skeleton in 25:39 via submission with a Crossface
Isabel eliminates Susan in 30:46 via submission with a Hijack Backbreaker
Vacation Skeleton eliminates Isabel in 61:52 via DQ by pretending she said something mean… the perfect ending to this hour long match.
First of all: Big props to Skullistair for putting over the nice lady from the bar instead of doing a million Canadian Destroyers but you really gotta start doing all these Destroyer variations I gave you, damn it! Second of all: Just look at the timestamps between that final and second to last elimination. That’s over 30 in-game minutes. 15 minutes in real time. What the fuck even! I’d understand it if I worked my magic to ensure a finish via a signature or finishing move but there’s a good reason I never do that for these big multi-person clusterfucks. Isabel and Vacation Skeleton duked it out for over 30 minutes at the end so the ending being a bullshit finish is all the better. Finally: The Pokeymanz title does change hands here as the rules for it are different than that of any other title. So Vacation Skeleton is the new Pokeymanz champ. Good thing we don’t acknowledge this title, which is why we mention it all the time.
#8 Infernal Hellweight Championship
Boob has been in the conversation in the past but never quite made it. Now he’s here to show what the biggest chest in the business can do.
Boob Marley vs. Harmony Gray (c)
Harmony defeats Boob Marley in 22:32 via submission with The Arachnid’s Grip
I said this before the match but it’s almost surprising that this isn’t Boob’s first challenge. I completely overlooked when he faced Flamander. It’s clear at this point that he can compete at the top, but he’s yet to actually prove that he can stay there. Whereas Boob used like seven sunken Chest it only took one well-placed Arachnid’s Grip for Harmony to take the win.
