Week 112: WELCOME TO DIE
#1 Seven Deadly Pins
Dicky P vs. Mr. Shakedown vs. Steve Dirt vs. Ricc 2 Thicc vs. Lea Lionheart vs. Arcade Legend ASS vs. Agnes Paragon vs. VACANT (c)
Dicky P and VACANT start us off and it doesn’t look good for Dicky. Things don’t improve much as this goes on, naturally and he’s the first to be eliminated. A sign of things to come. I was surprised there were people who didn’t realize that VACANT was completely overpowered. But on the other hand, I also figured a match like this where he is in from the start and then other people come in over time would be the best for actually taking him out. Especially with people like Ricc 2 Thicc or Mr. Shakedown who’ve taken down powerful opponents in the past. Finally, it came down to Agnes and VACANT as the final too. And we had hope for Agnes, but hope is not always grounded in logic. VACANT successfully defends the Seven Deadly Pins by beating up a poor, poor old lady.
#2 Singles Match
This one guy is new. Let’s put him against someone known for setting shit on fire and kicking balls.
Mina Park vs. Sapp Ledesma
Fukken Mina. If wrestling was fake she’d probably be punished for this but since it’s real… let’s just take she took multiple of Sapp’s finishers and one time kicked out before the count even started. She was probably just too stupid to feel the pain but eventually her body caught up with her and she stayed down after getting kicked in the head.
#3 Tag Team Match
It’s funny because Team Skull has no skeletons while The Fung Gang has three.
Team Skull vs. The Fun Gang
After wrestling with technical difficulties for a long-ass time that I mercifully cut out of the VOD we begin with this madness. Normal match, right? Looks like Team Skull win by pinning Skullistair… but… what? The match continues? This is elimination now, sure let’s roll with it. The next Fun Gang Member to fall is Nawt a Robutt. Bone Idol and Fomore hold out for a long time but they can’t eliminate a single member of Team Skull. Tragedy strikes and Bone Idol is eliminated, leaving Fomore against the entirety of Team Skull. Then fomore puts Pink in a Figure Four, submitting her. Then taps out Guzma WITH A CROSSFACE, then taps out Plumeria WITH AN ARMBAR* and finally taps out Blue WITH AN ARMBAR! What the hell? It was really cool, though. Even though the match took forever.
#4 Singles Match
Two warriors about to test their asses.
Sexton Blud vs. Suman
You know how the old saying goes? “Damn, that was good, I’m too excited, I hope this next match sucks.” Yeah, it thankfully sucked. Sexton defeats Suman by grabbing his boob
#5 Singles Match
Cou can’t put an anime in an armbar.
Anna May vs. Not Your God vs. F.O.E. vs. Grace Thoruson
Well, we had too people insert themselves into this match. But at least this was decided by the two people actually booked when Anna May hit the Crunchy Roll on NYG and was able to pin him.
#6 Legion Tag Championships
Spoilers: The Fun Gang win by DQ again, thus not winning the title (officially)
The Fun Gang vs. Kelsey & Maya (c)
This match was really good. At one point Vacation Skeleton just went nuts and sent everyone on Spring Break and also doing some other stuff while they were at it. Sadly, my prediction of The Fung Gang winning by DQ did not come true, as funny as it would have been for that happening again. Instead, Maya pinned DCB and the team that somehow still doesn’t have a name successfully defend their titles for the second time.
#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Angus won it from Dash. And I’m not sure Dash wants it back but he can try.
Dash Rendar vs. Angus McMutton
A nice and clean match, to be honest. Even though I banned the Husks from ringside I didn’t expect Dash to not do anything weird. In the end Dash did the correct thing and got headbutted and got pinned by Angus.
#8 Infernal Hellweight Championship
Most of the time, the first defense is against someone significant, to prove that it was not just a fluke.
Suzan, Pantha, Harmony and Grace. Each three defenses or more. The Mount Crushmore of OHPW.
Harmony is the third among them to get a chance to surpass that by becoming the first two-time Hellweight Champion.
I should probably start hyping shit like this up more.
Harmony Gray vs. Black (c)
Oh shit, Black hits the Blackout stomps a mudhole into Harmony and walks it dry! Yeah, this is the start of the match. Oh fuck, Harmony doesn’t fight back what the hell? It was so one sided I even thought I messed up my settings. But then Harmony gets the foot back in the door. It was hard work but eventually they are on equal footing again. The Arachnid’s Grip, deadlift powerbombs, several of them and other brutal shit are what it takes for Harmony to put down black with one final deadlift powerbomb after almost exactly 20 minutes. Harmony is the first two-time hellweight champ!
Scene: The other half of Danger Spider, Grace Thoruson, enters the arena and stands face to face in the ring with Harmony. There’s tension in the air until Grace extends her hand to congratulate her friend on an amazing win… followed by Grace dragging Harmony to the ground with an STO and following it with a Koji Clutch. That’s some vile shit right here. Apparently there’s been some friction between the two for a while now that just didn’t manifest itself in OHPW.
