Week 101: Road to Hellfire I
Woah! We’re doing a tournament again. 31 of our finest and Dash will face each other to determine who’s da best! The prize? The winner may book any single match you want. Can include them, doesn’t have to. The only restriction is that they cannot book anyone to challenge for a title if they already hold a title as double champions are stupid, eat shit Naito and EVIL and… is it Ibushi now? I don’t know. Anyway, let’s check out the brackets.
Yeah, Harmony vs. Pantha is just gonna kinda happen in round 1 like it’s some kinda appetizer. Please make sure to get in your predictions just go click on this text here and then click on that button that says something about making a prediction. There’s nothing at stake here, this is just for fun. So do it, or don’t but it’ll be cooler if you do.
We’ll also mix up the show a little until then. Jabroni Royale? It’s fun, I get it, but it happened on every show so far, including last year throughout the tournament. Which makes it the only “Title” defended on every single show so far. Until now. That’s right, it’s on a hiatus until the tournament is over. So let’s have a look at what I got cookin’
Round 1 - Night 1
#1 VACANT Fuck You Challenge
Tara is pissed she’s not in the tournament. So let’s watch her get her ass kicked by VACANT
Tara Milleneon vs. VACANT
Surprise Motherfuckers! It’s not Tara Milleneon coming out but Tara McFly, her younger self. No one really knows what behooves her to come here and challenge VACANT of all people like this but you can assume she wanted to remind people that she existed, not being fully aware of what’s actually going on due to constantly jumping to different places in time. Well, turns out when VACANT declared the Fuck You challenge he really meant he’s gonna go super nuts and went right to tearing Tara’s arms off. Oof. Well, we are living in a society at the end of time so your technology can handle it but this is still fucked up. Well. here actually comes Tara Milleneon. Naturally, she knew this was going to happen, having knowledge of her past and the present. Maybe even the future. Finally we know why she got shiny metal arms, though. Well, she proceeds to put all that pent up piss and vinegar in her blood from having to wait this long for this to make sense to beat the everloving shit out of VACANT and faring better against him than most people would. However, this doesn’t mean Tara won. VACANT beats Tara after three Burning Hammers. the first was too close to the ropes, the second was on the outside, the final one was in the center of the ring. 1-2-3.
#2 Hellfire Tournament Block A Round 1
Skullistair vs. Vacation Skeleton
I was hoping for more from this one to be honest. I mean, they did some dumb shit too but I wanted the big epic battle of skeletons to happen! Ah well… Vacation Skeleton finally, after over two years of never doing their finisher, does their finisher. And it’s literally just a top-rope tombstone piledriver. For the win, though!
#3 Hellfire Tournament Block A Round 1
Malfest Goat-Monster vs. Kayu Zakisaka
Oh, this one’s building towards something great. Kayu takes control early on, which MGMon wrestles back, but Kayu shows she wants this. However, MGM outta nowhere knocks Kayu out cold! It’s came as a shock but this is what the Goat Monster is all about. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of for Kayu.
#4 Hellfire Tournament Block A Round 1
Black vs. Guzma
Going into this match we said that Guzma had beat Black before and I could swear that it happened. But it did in fact not happen. This is actually the first time they met in a singles match. All the more surprising to see Guzma holding his own for long enough for Black to decide to use the Double Blackout to put Guzma down for good. In the next round Black will have to face Malfest Goat-Monster. It’s gonna be a hoss off!
#5 Hellfire Tournament Block A Round 1
Angus McMutton vs. Bone Idol
Match of the Night, what can I say. This got extremely exciting as it went on. It ended up being the longest match on the card at 31:27 Minutes. Bone Idol got so close multiple times with the Bone Zone and Bone Tugging Harmony but due to the wear and tear of this war they were having wasn’t able to capitalize most of the time. At some point this match devolved into them just beating the shit out of each other repeatedly. Finally this match draws to a close after a Ripcord Tru Bru from Angus to seal the deal. This match definitely showed as what Bone Idol is capable of, though, to have a match like this with someone who earned the Hellweight Championship at one point.
#6 Fuck if I know, something goes here. It’ll be a surprise, I guess.
Brork Lorsnor vs. Chad and Virgin
Oh cool a handicap match. It was gross though. Brork just threw Chad and the Virgin around for a while and eventually it became so disgusting that Chad didn’t even come for the save anymore to mercifully end it.
#7 Hellfire Tournament Block A Round 1
Hellranger Flamander vs. Cock Lightning
Despite both of them being a bit smaller in size this and featuring an agility based style this match ended up being a slamfest. Lightning struck multiple times, and Flamander elected to show Lightning his place but using the Wormcrusher repeatedly instead of trying to win with The Snake. Eventually Lightning wasn’t able to kick out of it anymore, making Flamander advance. Flamander moves on to face Vacation Skeleton in Round 2.
#8 Hellfire Tournament Block A Round 1
Dash Rendar vs. Steve Dirt
Well, shit. Steve Dirt pulled an Undyne the Undying in this match. If you don’t know what this means don’t worry about it. Essentially, Steve refused to stay down. He was held together by the hopes and dreams of… well, mostly me. But everyone else who hates Dash too. We all believed so hard that despite all this punishment Steve could still vanquish Dash. But we were wrong. After a particularly devastating Shadows of the Empire Steve is unable to continue and the ref stops the match.
#9 Hellfire Tournament Block A Round 1
Fomore vs. Danny V5
There’s a very obvious contrast of styles in this one. You got Fomore using a mix of holds and impactful moves. Somehow doing the freaking ACAB / Vertebreaker right at the start of the match. What the fuck. Over the course of the match Danny V5 then did two Emerald Flowsions, throwing Fomore out of the ring each time. After a while Danny just decides to do flips repeatedly until it’s enough and Fomore stays down for a 3-count. Let’s see if Danny can repeat an upset victory in the next round against Dash Rendar.
#10 Hellfire Tournament Block A Round 1
Mr. Shakedown vs. Manic Misanthrope
This match had the promise to become a real banger if only it wasn’t for Shakedowns one weakness: His cardio. He got gassed out and Manic capitalized with an Obscure Trivia Suplex and advances to the next round. Where he will face none other than Angus McMutton