Week 97: Three
Oh wow! We enter OHPWs third year already now.
Before we get to the match card: I asked you to vote on Match of the year, Storyline of the Year and Newcomer of the Year. So let’s see how you voted:
Match of the Year
1: (5 Votes) Nero Sin vs. Suzan Blades from UNSTOPPING
1: (5 Votes) Hellranger Flamander vs. Majin Bob Sapp from DEVIL TRIGGER
2: (3 Votes) Pantha vs. Harmony Gray from UNSTOPPING
2: (3 Votes) Grace Thoruson vs. Hellranger Flamander from the HELLFIRE Finals
2: (3 Votes) Roll dem Bones 2020 from skeleton wars 2020
3: (2 Votes) Pig Destroyer vs. Cock Thunder from FUCK THE POLICE
Believe it or not, before that final vote came in we actually didn’t have a tie. The same is true for Storyline/Moment of the year.
Storyline/Moment of the Year
1: (6 Votes) Angus gets back the G
1: (6 Votes) Dash and Vacation Skeleton feud over nothing.
2: (5 Votes) Grace’s incredible rise to the top.
3: (3 Votes) oRa 66 collapses. Palpy eats shit in Goatcorp everyone else formed a Union.
Look, Dash vs. Vacation Skeleton was bad on purpose. Angus getting back the G was us trying really hard.
Newcomer of the Year
1: (7 Votes) Skullistair
2: (4 Votes) Bone Idol
2: (4 Votes) Fucking Dash Rendar for some reason.
3: (3 Votes) Koji Kojinaka
3: (3 Votes) Sgt. Sprinklez
I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect Skullistair to rank so high. They haven’t really had a chance to shine much yet. There’s also some others that I’m shocked didn’t rank higher or got votes at all, because they do get favorable reactions on the shows. But that be wrasslin’
And now: The card for our first show of 2021. Hurrah! Another year, surely this one will be better than the last; The inexorable march of progress will lead us all to happiness!
#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
Bears are immune to magic [citation needed]
Zoltan (“c”) vs. Great Maharaja
Bears are not only immune to magic but also Explosions. The explosion knocked out Zoltan while Maharaja got back up.
#2 Singles Match
Even in 2021… Family Man does his best!
FOE vs. Family Man
This is bullshit. Family Man should have won this. But naaaaah, FOE just comes out and is like “Haha, I’m F.O.E.!”
#3 Singles Match
What does a skeletonista think of caffeine elementals? We shall find out.
Bone Idol vs. DivineCoffeeBinge
These two delivered a great match with a lot of Lucha things. Protecting the Transitional Move by hitting it near the ropes and everything. Bone Idol wins with Bone-Tugging Harmony
#4 Tag Team Match
Cavemen know a thing or two about skulls. I think. I don’t know, okay?
Caveman Connection vs. Team Skull Bosses
According to the Match Rating this was a stinker. But Robo Meltzer is clearly full of shit. This was a very adequate match. Caveman Connection getting another win.
#5 Singles Match
The ominous re-emergence of the wrestler now known as Not Your God
Not Your God vs. Cock Lightning
It became clear in this match that there’s a complete clash of styles here. Lightning prefers high flying, NYG aims to keep his opponents down on the mat, repeatedly attacking with submissions eventually earning the win with Cattle Mutilation.
#6 Singles Match
Headbutts or Flips, that is the question.
Angus McMutton vs. Lea Lionheart
Both spammed their finishers. But Angus has a very hard head and wins after the hundredth Tru Bru
#7 Seven Deadly Pins
Booking myself to go over, just you wait.
Josef Dub vs. Muscle Wizard vs. Ricc 2 Thicc vs. Agnes Paragon vs. IGgy IGsen vs. Spitbal vs. Skullistair vs. Cheese Pietzza (c)
Oh boy, where do I start… This almost lasted an hour. At around 17 Minutes we had three Eliminations in quick succession. And then nothing and nothing and nothing… eventually people start being eliminated again and in the end it comes down to ME! Hahahaha! And Muscle Wizard. Muscle Wizard punches me really hard for the win though.
