Week 82: Hangin’ and Slammin’
At this point I can say “usual time” without confusing people over it being earlier than it used to, I think.
#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
How did ASS get here. She doesn’t deserve this. Samio might. Depends on the time of day.
Arcade Legend ASS (“c”) vs. Super Samio
ASS tries to make a point and doesn’t go for the pin, instead tries to win via submission, however, it was Samio who stole the win just after the buzzer sounded to signal the incoming explosion.
#2 Tag Team Match
A literally Pineapple and Pizza go against a skeleton and (not) a robot
Pineapple Pizza vs. The Fung Gang (VS + NAR)
Pineapple Pizza controlled this match, keeping the Fun Gang in their corner not really letting them cooperate. The Fun Gang could not find a way out of this and Pineapple Pizza won by submitting Nawt A Robutt.
Scene: Some future version of Tara jumps in through time and announces that she’ll be back in OHPW, then an even further in the future version of Tara shows up and tells the first future version that it’s not time yet, the second future version then announces she’ll return to OHPW now, enter a third future version… who tells the second future version it’s not time yet. The third future version waits for a second for a fourth future version to appear but instead the past version in Young Devil gear shows up. Turns out she jumped in too early, it’s still 2019 during Judgement Night. Oops. Gotta adjust and hop in at a later point in time in the bullshit dimension without time.
#3 Singles Match
At this point it’s become an initiation ritual to face the bear in Kombat.
Sexton Blud vs. Great Maharaja
Sexton puts over the bear huge by not squashing him immediately. But then he throws Maharaja a fork. Well, that didn’t do it but the Jackhammer into Fatman Press did it again.
#4 Four-Way (Elimination)
Uh oh… VACANT didn’t want the Pokeymanz to begin with and wants to get rid of it… but is too proud to lose on purpose.
VACANT vs. Spitbal vs. Lea Lionheart vs. A Mimic
VACANT’s first non-singles match and he wins it. Going in seemed like the most reasonable thing to assume that there’s a non-zero chance for him to not win and retain the Pokeymanz. Non-zero was not big enough though. Shockingly, the least likely contender, Mimic, was the last one standing aside from VACANT, before VACANT put the Mimic down too.
#5 Singles Match
Time to d-d-d-d-duel.
Harley Havik vs. Koji Kojinaka
Definitely the MOTN. This match just delivered. After it heated up they hit their finishers on each other and kicked out. At this point we thought the match would now end any second. However it went for a bit, they went outside and Harley introduced a barbed wire bat. That very bat would later be her undoing. Not because Koji swung it, but because it was lying in the ring and Koji locked in an elevated Boston Crab on Harley as she layed on top of the bat and she tapped.
#6 Singles Match
I always forget which amount of dragon Ryu is. So Maya goes against some amount of dragon greater than 0 but less than or equal to 1.
Actually, it just occured to me that Ryu literally means Dragon.
Maya Northwind vs. Ryu
I forgot to point it out, but this was our 666th OHPW match. First Maya tries to play by Ryu’s rules too much, going blow for blow. But since that’s Ryu’s strongest skill that’s a very bad idea. Eventually Maya wisened up and managed to get the win. Ryu never used the Kaiser Claw, though. It could have ended very different.
#7 Underworld Darkweight Title
The first time Fomore challenges for a singles title since losing the Hellweight. Probably Kayu’s toughest defense yet.
Fomore vs. Kayu Zakisaka (c)
Fast and hard is not usually something I’d say from a Fomore match, but despite their heavy submission use this match could still be called that. Kayu wins with a springboard version of her finishing move and defeats the former Hellweight Champ via Pinfall.
