Week 74: Promise of a Lifetime
Time for more wrasslin’
The matches are below. Ricc will destroy Plumeria (probably) and both Suzan and Harmony, former champs, are in Action. There’s also a new skeleton in town and Kayu may finally be able to prove that she’s able to follow her promise to become a champion one day. But if she makes it will she stop there?
#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
If you got beaten by Angus you get to beat Plumeria
Plumeria (“c”) vs. Ricc 2 Thicc
Shocking the entire world, Plumeria beat Ricc 2 Thicc. Wait, no, Ricc won, duh!
#2 Singles Match
Possibly the most metal match we had yet (Both blades and slaughter are very metal concepts, y’know)
Suzan Blades vs. Kelsey Slaughter
Oh boy… Kelsey wouldn’t back down at any cost. She knew that letting Suzan get any of her heavy hitters in would be it for her so she just wouldn’t let her. However, you don’t beat Suzan Fucking Blades that easily. Kelsey used Prey Slaughtered more often than in all her matches this year combined and eventually, Suzan just had to stay down for the 1-2-3. Damn!
#3 Tag Team Match
Maybe WNA think putting ice cream into beer is magic, and thus are against it
Wizards Not Allowed vs. Real Beer Float
This was basically what the WNA always do. They do a couple of sick moves for a while. And then… well, either they lose or they win off of some nothing move. It’s like they do this on purpose. This time they won.
#4 Singles Match
Former Champ against the guy who loses pants on way to the ring sometimes. Who will win?
Harmony Gray vs. Hobo One Kevodki
Harmony as a former Hellweight Champ vs. Hobo as the first ever VACANT-Killer. Harmony, impressively, still managed to win without using the Arachnids Grip, instead opting for a deadlift Powerbomb. Of which it took multiple.
Scene: Harmony makes her way back to the backstage area but stops near the interview-wall. There she challenges Suzan Blades to a match as she’s the one big name she didn’t get to face during her title reign.
#5 Four-Way First Fall
A new skeleton is in town and they get three opponents right away.
Pine Appel vs. Mimic vs. Skullistair vs. Josef Dub
Oh look, we’re still in the fuck-around phase of the match! Oh, wait, what? It’s over, how’d that happen. Josef winning via submission that targets the head? Wait wait wait wait! Submitting Mimic who doesn’t have a head? Why are we killing the business like this! And Poor Skullistair didn’t even get to show much of their cool shit in their debut! Fuck.
#6 Singles Match
As different as these two may be, their styles are remarkably similar. Just one has a very large head, the other is made of rock.
EGO vs. Lea Lionheart
This is what we in the business call a Slam-Fest. Not because there were many slams, no. Just a lot of hard-hitting offense in a relatively quick (though still above average in length here) singles match. Somehow, they thought of protecting the Make-A-Wish by hitting it near the ropes. This is why I use rope breaks, folks! I get to pretend there’s a deeper logic to it. Then EGO hit Super Ego Flying High and Egomania Running Wild in short succession for the win.
#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Could this be? The moment Kayu rises? Or nah? We’ll see!
Kayu Zakisaka vs. Spitbal (c)
BULL - SHIT BULL - SHIT BULL - SHIT! Spitbal, after pretending to be the honorable type, getting upset over having won his title defense via count-out, demanding a rematch to settle it. Wins via count-out, and deliberately, himself. Against Kayu, who’s worked so hard for this.
