Week 71: To the Slaughter
As we near FUCK DA POLICE we try to set the matches for said show into stone. Criminal Sanity team up for the first time in a long time against The Fun Gang to see who gets to face the School of Slam next week. Meanwhile, Pantha and Flamander have a rematch. Their last bout was quite a while ago. Episode 12, in fact. We’re on 71 now, holy fuck. Whoever wins will move on to face Grace for the Hellweight Title. If Pantha wins she will get her chance to recapture the big one, if Flamander wins he’ll get a RUBBAH MATCH! against Grace, who defeated him in the finals of the Tournament that got her her title match in the first place.
Vacation Skeleton and Dash Rendar are also nowhere to be seen on this card, perhaps this means the time has finally come? What could possibly go wrong to prevent the fated showdown between the two to finally occur? The episode Title is To the Slaughter and so far my episode titles have never lied [citation needed]. I wonder who could be brought, to the slaughter?
The full card is below:
#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
Plumeria (“c”) vs. Josef Dub
God… the very concept of balls was crushed in this match. It even ended with a low-blow and a roll-up by Josef.
#2 Singles Match
Hank Muscles vs. Palpatine
Cocademon was at ringside here and would you believe it? He was not completely useless. As soon as the ref was knocked down he stepped in and helped Palpy beat up Hank. Hank had to take the Galactic Elbow one too many times and stayed down for the 3-count.
Scene: Jane comes out in her pretend cop gear and is angry the upcoming PPV is called FUCK DA POLICE then Pig Destroyer comes out destroys Jane, says “No cops at pride” and challenges any cop to face him. Thunder shows up explains he’s no cop but there’s no real cops here anyway and wants to face him. They decide that’s a cool idea for next week and presumably go for a couple beers.
#3 Tornado Tag Match
Space Wizards vs. The Union (Angus and N-T Punk)
Ah yes, the chaos of a Tornado Tag match! How I missed it. It’d be Angus to get The Union their win here.
#4 Singles Match
Maya Northwind vs. Great Maharaja
Fragile speedster vs. an actual bear. What could possibly go wrong? There was a lot of displays of power from Maharaja and a lot of using herself as a bullet from Maya. Eventually Maya took the win with a standing moonsault.
#5 Legion Tag No. 1 Contender Match
Criminal Sanity (EGO and Mimic) vs. The Fun Gang (DCB and Nawt A Robutt)
Okay, count-out. Guess who caused it? I’ll give you a few secons. Yes, of course, it was DCB who counted out EGO. The Queen of Count-Outs strikes again!
Scene: it’s quite possible that Dash Rendar’s face is next to the word “buffoonery” in a dictionary. Long Story short, he fucked himself out of facing vacation skeleton next week somehow. In fairness, it was mostly IGgy’s fault.
#6 Hellweight No. 1 Contender Match
Pantha vs. Flamander
The second time they meet. The first time was a longer, slower paced match. This one was a slamfest or, at one point, a rana-fest. Heave hits all throughout, under 14 minutes. Flamander takes the win with his Senton Atomico and moves on to face Grace again next week.
#7 Seven Deadly Pins
Kelsey Slaughter vs. Agnes Paragon vs. Harmony Gray vs. Lemuel Post vs. Haz Matt vs. Team Skull Grunt Pink vs. Hobo One Kevodki vs. Harley Havik
We are continuing our trend of the Grunts, the people thought to be the most unlikely winners in any match, even after being the longest reigning tag champs, winning everything. Grunt Pink wins.
