The camera pans across a starship parking in the lot behind the LPFWA headquarter. It’s sleek, black, and cool–all the descriptors a six-year-old would use to describe a starship. It’s also covered in rust and garbage. It’s the Outrunner, Dash Rendar’s other ship. Purchased when he had a surplus of money, it’s now the only thing he owns after having to sell the Outrider due to a shortage of money. Suffice it to say, his LPFWA career had not worked out. His final appearance on the show had tanked his reputation, sending all of his business ventures spiraling into ruin.
Inside the ship, we see Dash Rendar sitting at a desk, his holovid camera recording himself. Having subsisted on a steady diet of meat-lover’s pizza and beer, the Dash we knew is now unrecognizable: overweight, unwashed, and out-of-shape. His stomach is visible, his clothing no longer up to the task of adequately cover him; his skin is the colour of a Kaminoan, his red treasure-trail standing out in stark contrast.
Dash picks up a large platter covered in slices of pizzas and grunts loudly for the camera. He reaches out of view and grabs a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise–a remnant of his days in the LPFWA when he had stolen the entire moon’s supply of food. One wonders if the best before date has passed, but only for a moment. Dash gives the bottle a shake.
Oh yeah. You all know your boy Dash loves the taste of mayonnaise on pizza for breakfast.
He squeezes the bottle over the pizza.
Just drench this bantha poodoo in mother-crinking mayonnaise, oh yeah.
He grunts, a noise halfway between Tim Allen and a nerf. He tosses the bottle off-screen. A guest in the room would have noticed it was not the first bottle to have been so casually tossed aside–a monument in the corner sat as a testament to his sins.
Mother-crinking twenty-five slices of pizza, oh yeah. I love’em all being drenched in Sith-varped mayonnaise.
He reaches off-screen for another bottle.
Now that we got mother-skrogging mayonnaise all over the place, here comes to syrup!!! Gotta have that sweet and savoury taste!
He waves the bottle back and forth, spraying cheap corn-based syrup all over the pizza. His grunting intermingles with the grunts of the bottle until it is difficult to tell the two apart.
Aw, yeah. Stacks of sithspittin’ mayonnaise and syrup-covered pizza, all for my gosh-dwanged gut! Yeah, boy, look at that sloppy-shebbed druk. Yer boy Dash is gonna eat it all!
He slaps his belly, as if for good measure.
Twenty-six syrup-drenched, mayonnaise meat-lover’s pizza slices going in your boy, Dash Rendar’s, karking gut, hahahahaa!
Dash readjusts the camera–the top of his head is now cut off. He lays the platter on his ample lap. On a small being, it would be balanced precariously, but on Dash is settles in as if it belonged there. He grabs a slice of pizza and raises it to his mouth. He starts to take a bite then stops. There’s a smidgen of mayo now in his beard.
Don’t forget to like and subscribe if you wanna see your boy, Dash, put more bomb-sheb food-stuff jammed into this kraffing gas tank.
He grabs his stomach at this, clutching it for emphasis. His desperate shill complete, he begins to eat. Slice after slice. Bite after agonizing bite. His breathing is so loud at parts that it peaks the audio. May the Star Wars gods have mercy on those viewers listening with headphones.
A door in the background opens suddenly and in steps a spindly robot, Dash’s companion, Leebo. Dash scrambles, knocking over a beer-can tower as he falls out of his chair. The pizza platter is spillt all over the floor. He grabs a blanket to cover himself–it is covered in mayonnaise.
Sir, I have good news! The LPFWA has renewed your–oh, what the hell. Again? Seriously!?
It’s not what it looks like!
You mean you’re not eating a bunch of garbage for your horrible YouTube channel?
Uh–
And you wonder why Guri left us.
Hey, now that’s not fair–
You’ve spent the last two years sulking and drinking and eating–and eating. It’s time for you to do something with yourself!
I AM doing something with myself!
Something else.
My last video got 10,000 views! I’m moving up in the world. Did you know that my Master_Jedi_Dash channel is the 15th most popular junk-food-related review channel on the moon’s YouTube network?
I didn’t. And I still don’t. Gonna quickly purge that bit of information from my memory banks.
Oh, come on! You’ve never supported me!
No! Never! And I never will! But at least you didn’t embarrass me! Dash Rendar used to mean something. He used to be the greatest jobber in the LPFWA–
Wait, I was a jobber?
--now you sit around the Outrunner making weird internet videos. On the Outrunner! You used to do this shit on the Outrider!!!
Bandwidth isn’t cheap on the moon.
Look, the LPFWA renewed your contract. I don’t know what they were thinking. I’m guessing it’s a clerical error. Doesn’t matter. You’re back.
I-IGgy wants me back?
Again, it’s very likely that this was a mistake.
Leebo, ol’buddy, I have to go!
Dash jumps to his feet and sprints to the hatch. He grabs his giant shoulder-pad armour off a hook and looks at it wistfully. The mayonnaise is still in his beard.
Here’s hoping the old suit still fits.
I wouldn’t count on it.
He moves to leave but stops himself. He reaches up on a nearby shelf and pulls down a bottle of Corellian brandy.
For courage.[i]
Exeunt Dash. Leebo walks over the holovid camera and switches if off.[/i]