El Catire Arrecho is sitting at the top of the arena’s ramp.
“Saludos a todos en la luna, and everyone watching at home too, it’s your friend El Catire Arrecho, here to bring you a message, so I want you all to listen to me, and digest what I’m about to say. Sometime after I started here, for some reason, people started acting like I was debuting every time I fought, even when I held one of the belts! So I’m here to tell you all that I’ve had en-A LA MIERDA”
A figure emerges from the portal.
“Finally, I’ve arrived at this stinking den of evil, the hiding place of Lolth’s Pantheon of Fallen Warrior Assassins, or the LPFWA, as they apparently call themselves, now I can finally begin my quest to eradicate these pests, or I am not Kara, The Punch Wizard”
Let’s go! On Saturday in the usual place at the usual time we’ll head into our 30th show this season. This is a pretty decent milestune. The previous season had 32 episodes. Another big milestone we just happen to be reaching with our next PPV. The show after that will mark the Anniversary of LPFWA. The first ever episode aired on July 6th 2013 (but is labeled as July 7th for some reason).
And oh, right, you are welcome to vote on the Bonus match for this week as well. We need to find a new opponent as well as who’s gonna challenge them. Additionally you can vote on match types now. If the match-up renders a match type invalid I’ll resort to something that’s either close to that or a regular match, if need be.
The match card, of course, is below.
#1 Buscus Brawl
The Masked Man vs. Kylo Ren
#2 Table Elimination Tag
Los Borrachos vs. Haunted Forest
#3 Singles Match, No Count-Out
Jumpy-Chan vs. Divine Coffee Binge
#4 Bunny Championship
Thundercat Chris Pine vs. Fruitsniffer
#5 Three-Way
Garbo Girl vs. Hell-Ena vs. Kara The Punch Wizard
“Hmpf, I must admit, I was expecting more from Lolth’s supposedly elite forces, but if this is all two of your former champions could manage, perhaps I may have overestimated you all. Soon, I’ll free all these people that are being forced to watch this horrifying ritual, and return them safely to their homes.”
-somewhere secret where palpatines training which may or may not be canon and is instead in angus head begins-
Mr Mcmutton You don’t fear death… You welcome it. Your punishment must be more severe.
Is this a rib…Iggy are ye behind this,did ye spike mah tru bru stash
I must torture your soul mr mcmutton
this isnae funny anymore…where am i this isnae the lpfwa locker room
Home, where I learned the truth about despair, as will you. There’s a reason why this prison is the worst hell on earth… Hope. Every man who has ventured here over the centuries has looked up to the light and imagined climbing to freedom. So easy… So simple… And like shipwrecked men turning to sea water from uncontrollable thirst, many have died trying. I learned here that there can be no true despair without hope. So, as I terrorize the lpfwa, I will feed its people hope to poison their souls. I will let them believe they can survive so that you can watch them clamoring over each other to “stay in the sun.” You can watch me torture an entire city and when you have truly understood the depth of your failure, we will fulfill Palpatines destiny… We will destroy the lpfwa and then, when it is done and the lpfwa is ashes, then you have my permission to die
this wis fun but i goat tae fight a chiropractor tonight but dinnae ye worry i’ll gie his broken body tae ye cause hes certainly gonna need spinal treatment when i’m finished wie him
He debuted in the first episode of Season 2. Established as a kind of simple-minded dinosaur who poses as a human wrestler. And to do so emulates what he thinks a wrestler is supposed to look like. In this case it’s Hulk Hogan. Nuffkins enters to American Made, Hogans WCW theme, which is now used by Toad. In his debut match he wins the LP Superstar Title from Succinct and Punchy, who happened to hold it at the end of Season 1.
As the show goes on, and Hulk Hogan turned out to be aggressively racist over the course of Gawkermania Nuffkins begins to emulate a different Wrestler, Stone Cold Steve Austin. In case you care: Nuffkins 3:16 says “I’m a human” which punchy just counters with repeated "What?"chants. In the final episode of Season 2 Nuffkins challenges the LP Superstar Champion Pomp to recapture the belt he lost not too long after he’s won it. He successfully recaptures the title and in the coming three years he becomes the Nuffkins we now know. The slightly arrogant LPFWA Champion who’s achieved what he describes as “peak fashion” and has just had the longest title reign in LPFWA period.
To break kayfabe here: When I picked him as the inaugural champion for this season I did not expecpt him to keep the title for long. He was a leftover. One of the established guys where you could say “Yeah, he can hold a title and it wouldn’t seem too weird”. Him defending the belt so convincingly and repeatedly was a happy little accident but knowing Season 2 Nuffkins and comparing him to Season 3 Nuffkins creates a nice little narrative of a guy going from “Good but not great.” to the longest reigning LPFWA Champion yet.
On screen Nuffkins had defenses against Toad, Fruitsniffer, BNF, Lotus, anilEhilated (the latter two in the same match), a tree, Freddie Hope and Goldberg. Finally he lost it to Flamander.
So that’s 7 successful defenses over 239 on-screen days (218 if you coun’t from his first on-screen defense.)
But you need to keep in mind that Nuffkins had the belt when this season started. So let’s have some fun.
If Nuffkins had won the title from Dr. Rath on the first PPV after the end of Season 2 (which means he’d have to have lost the LP Superstar Title in the build to the PPV) and kept the title since then his reign would be, hypothetically, 1557 days long. Which means between 51 and 52 defenses if we’re assuming monthly defenses. Now, I could just decide that this is the case but I’m not. I’d still like to contrast this hypothetical reign with some other historic reigns.
Kazuchika Okada held the IWGP Heavyweight Title for 720 days with 12 Successful defenses. (He holds the record for both days held, and defenses)
CM Punk held the WWE title for 434 days with 22 successful defenses, though some say it’s been over one hundred (including house shows and dark matches). The belt is also sometimes defended in non Big Match scenarios where no one really expects a title change.
Asuka’s NXT Women’s Title reign lasted for 510 days with 11 defenses.
Brunno Samartino’s first WWE reign lasted for 2803 that’s seven years. He defended the belt 390 (!!!) times. Of course, title reigns back then were just longer. This was between 1963 and 1971 (stats from cagematch.net)
You might notice that the number of defenses isn’t really proportional to the days they were held. This has multiple reasons. For one, WWE Titles tend to have more defenses because they have more shows and the title is defended at least once per month at PPVs (not necessarily, but usually that’s the case) additionally there’s throwaway defenses on RAW and Smackdown as well as at house shows, sometimes.
NJPW, on the other hand, treats it’s title defenses like a much bigger deal and the company works more on a tour-schedule rather than being a weekly TV-Show. Other companies have their own quirks in this regard too, which is why I prefer measuring a title reign by the number of defenses, rather than the days they lasted. Just look at Brock Lesnars ongoing 455+ day reign with only 7 (televised) defenses.
people think ah overspent on the cookies but naw truth is good auld scottish made cookies are like the best thing tae wash doon wie thon tru bru. Also ye cannae go wrang wie a scottish sandwich
All right folks!
Last week in HELL we reached 32 Episodes which ties us with Season 2. This week we are not only going tu surpass Season 2’s length, we are going to celebrate our Anniversary. The first Episode of LPFWA was streamed on 6th July 2013. The VOD was released on 7th July. Since the 7th happens to be a Saturday we’ll just celebrate LPFWA becoming 5 years old. (15 in Kayfabe)
Join us on 7/7 at the usual time we redecorated our arena to look like the original crappy LPFWA ring in a shed and we’ll also actually for the first time since the airing of the og LPFWA '13 see some very old matches and the scenes that accompanied them.
Match Card:
LPFWA '13 Flashback: First Match Ever
Sabateini vs. Schir