Down, Down, Down By the River: Let's Play Baldur's Gate 3

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3! Today, we’ll talk to a cat and.. then find the severed limbs of a clown.

: First, I want to show my attempt at spawn-displacing Raphael. This is the barricade - it contains every chest we’ve picked up, plus all the explosive barrels. Does it work?

: Kind of. Raphael spawns in an invalid location (you can see him clipping through the chests). There’s just one problem, and that problem is Yurgir.

: One of the cambions targets him with a scorching ray and that’s it. The game slows to a crawl and never recovers. This means it’s probably possible if you don’t use explosive barrels.

: There are six and a half sidequests left, but two of them are meant to lead you directly to Gortash and Orin. For the first, we’ll need to temporarily replace Lyselle with Gale.

: One of those sidequests I’m kind of mad about because I was going to order a piece from Salty Vanilla and then I lost my job.

: We then need to head to this building in Rivington. Back in Act 1, we found a dead courier near the owlbear cave and picked up all the letters he had on him.

: “Welcome to Sword Coast Couriers - to Send and to Serve. Delivery not guaranteed.”

1. I’m sorry to tell you - I found the body of one of your couriers. He carried this letter.
2. Wait - delivery not guaranteed?
3. I’m not sending anything. You can drop the sales routine.
4. It’s rare to meet someone so cheerful these days. Why the good mood?
5. Leave.

: “I’m sorry to tell you - I found the body of one of your couriers. He carried this letter.”

: Did you kill him? You’re covered in blood and smell like sulfur.

: Surprisingly, no. I think the goblins killed him.

: “Gomwick… that’s a real shame. Fine courier, he was. Stumped how I’ll replace him - most want to get into the city these days, not leave it. We’ve had to cut courier services completely.”

: “I’ll tell you, it’s left me in a right pickle. I’ve sent what I can by pigeon, but now something’s attacking them! ‘Become a postmaster, Danzo. It’ll be easy’. Nobody mentions having to spend your evenings hunting for pigeon carcasses, do they?”

: “Any idea where they went missing?”

: “Not the foggiest. Normally they fly true as an elven arrow. Something nearby is snatching them, I can tell you that much.”

: It’s going to be a giant monster.

: Or a hawk.

: To find the culprit, all we need to do is cross the street to the temple where we killed all those doppelgangers earlier.

: A kitty! With wings! That’s adorable. I want one.

: Are you sure you’re not related?

: She’s 0% cat. Fisher cats are a kind of mustelid.

: This part is a bit glitched. Meet Tara. Tara is Gale’s pet tressym, and only shows up before this if you’re playing Gale as your main character.

: Tressym are magical beasts that like quasits primarily exist to be familiars for wizards. They can understand human language, but only speak their own language called tressymspeak.

: There is a mod that lets you summon Tara, and I thought about using it except that it’s not just a cosmetic thing. For some reason, the mod author gave her spells.

: I also forgot to have a potion of animal speaking active, but I have a video of it in another window I can get the dialog from.

: “Mr. Dekarios! Heavens, fancy seeing you here!”

: “Tara! That can’t be you, can it?”

: “I suppose you won’t be terribly shocked to find your old friend Tara amongst the pigeons. They’ve always been a personal favorite.”

: I can fix her.

: “My, is that a ring? For us? You shouldn’t have.”

: “Enjoy yourself now, Tara. Looks like you’ve got yourself set up quite nicely here.”

: “Gale, she’s been eating those missing courier pigeons. Do you not see the two carcasses over there?”

: “Oh. Right. Did you hear that, Tara? Erm. Stop it.”

: “Well, these must be important birds indeed, Mr. Dekarios. Forgive me for feasting on their bodies and bones so very voraciously.”

: She’s getting tuna and pets and brushing and is never getting let outside again.

: The letters are in her nest, along with a ring we’re never going to use.

: Blink is extremely buggy. What it’s supposed to do is give you a chance to be invincible at the end of your turn. Instead, it breaks any active concentration and removes item effects.

: We also get inspirations for Pollux and Karlach, which let us stock back up on re-rolls. Let me go switch Gale back out and we’ll finish this off.

: Before we do though, there’s one minor thing we can do. In the back yard, there are a couple of dogs in cages. These are named after Swen Vincke’s dogs.

: This is also where the name “Tav” comes from - it’s short for “Gustav”, who I imagine is one of the few living beings who still want anything to do with him.

: You can talk to the dog trainer if you have Scratch and she’ll try to take him, or you can intimidate her into fucking off.

: Or we can exterminate her and a couple of nearby cops. I kind of want to do a run where I respec everyone into an eldritch blast build and attempt to clear the city.

: There are a couple of ways you can end the letter quest. You can give the postmaster the letter, convince him to give you more money, or you can read the letters and find out he works for the Zhentarim.

: I’m going to go with the quickest option.

: Our next sidequest takes place at the circus, which is right up the street from the courier office.

: “Hello hello, and welcome to the Darkmoon Faire Circus of the Last Days - the finest extraplanar circus there is!”

: “Ah! A circus! Can we go?!”

1. I’ve never heard of an extraplanar circus.
2. Why is a ghoul sniffing people?
3. Is this extra security because of the priest who was murdered?
4. Is now the time for a circus? The army of the Absolute is close.
5. I’d like to enter the circus.
6. Leave.

: “I’m here to do my stupid daily quests so I can buy all the pet battle pets before they patch pet battles out because no one likes them except those weirdos on the private servers.”

: “Just let the ghoul sniff you. For security reasons.”

: The ghoul will always find something wrong with you - if you’re covered in blood or dirt, it will remark on that. In this case, it’ll complain about the tadpole.

: Even if you talk to them using Halsin or Jaheira (who aren’t tadpoled), the ghoul will still refuse to let you in. There are a number of ways around this - there’s a gate in the temple next door you can pick to let you in, and there’s a hole in the fence you can jump over.

1. [PERSUASION] I’m not a threat to you or anyone else in the circus. I mean, I am because you’re a bunch of mid-level NPCs and I have 12 character levels, but I’m not going to randomly kill you. Probably.
2. [INTIMIDATION] Let me in, or I’ll kill you.
3. [BARD] [DECEPTION] I’ve actually just been hired. Meet your new bard!
4. Pay him 200 gold.
5. Leave.

: “I’ve actually just been hired. Meet your new bard!”

: Getting in this way gets you an inspiration for Pollux and Astarion.

: The mummy sells clown facepaint, which is a hilarious trap for people who don’t know how to get rid of it. You need bars of soap - there are a few in the burning inn in Act 1 and some scattered throughout Act 3.

: Across the way is this dryad, who will do “love testing” between your main character and any other party member except for Minsc and Jaheira.

: We all know Pollux deeply appreciates Minsc but would never date him.

: The dryad is one of Orin’s disguises unless you’ve found Orin twice already, so I went and knocked her out off-screen.

: “I’m ready. We’re boyfriends.”

: The dryad sends Pollux to the Boyfriend Dimension, and then you have to answer three questions. Halsin’s are incredibly easy because he’s kind of a non-character.

Listen. Think. When his he most comfortable?

1. While in the form of a bear, clad in nothing but fur.
2. After a supper large enough to induce hibernation.
3. Comfort doesn’t come naturally to him - he’s restless and roaming.
4. At his study in the grove.

: “He’s happiest out in the woods wearing something sleeveless and made of leather. Seriously, I tried three different tailors and none of the options looked good.”

: “He also instinctively flinches at works like ‘doublet’ and ‘designer’.”

: “That’s true. I live for the wilderness. Comfort is for the farm animal, snug in its pen.”

: “I’ll civilize him one of these days.”

: He looks like the front cover of a romance novel, and you know he’s going to burst through that thing as soon as things get steamy.

: Getting a question correct makes Pollux take a step forward. Most of these have two answers that work.

We all strive to do our utmost - to prove ourselves worthy. Tell me, of what is Halsin most proud?

1. His physique. Who can blame him?
2. Saving his friend Thaniel and banishing the shadow curse.
3. Protecting the grove from those who threatened it.

: “Easy. He’s most proud of saving Thaniel, which we accomplished by standing behind a wall of crates and shooting at him until he relented.”

: “That is the truth. I sense I will never surpass that moment, when nature awoke from its nightmare.”

Life is full of victory and loss. You cannot have one without the other. What is Halsin’s greatest failure?

1. Appointing a fanatic as his second-in-command at the grove.
2. Allowing the shadow curse to blight nature for a hundred years.
3. That he somehow let some scrawny goblins capture him.

: “That would be allowing Ketheric to live.”

: “It is true. Nature suffered while I dawdled, and allowed myself to be distracted. The curse is no more, true. But imagine if I had been faster, bolder, better. Lives would have been saved. More than I care to count.”

: This event was originally meant to give you a buff if you have both your character and their love interest in the party, but it either doesn’t work or was cut for unknown reasons. The buff was a +1 to AC.

: The genie here has a weapon I probably should’ve gotten before fighting Raphael.

: His gimmick is that he’s a loud asshole who has a prize wheel that costs 500 gold to spin. Like all carnival games, this is rigged against us.

: To win, you can either pickpocket this ring off him or you can make a DC 20 intelligence check and then a DC 15 Perform as a Bard. Pollux is not going to make the check.

: The next person who spins will win the jackpot. You’re going to want a strong solo character to do this - Pollux will do this just fine.

: Welcome to Jurassic Park Chult. Chult is a 3E setting that primarily exists for people to rip off Indiana Jones.

: It’s full of dinosaurs that Pollux has a pretty good chance to kill in one Eldritch Blast.

: We have dinosaur boys on Monster Boy Island. They’re very endangered and also surprisingly good at cuddling.

: Dinosaur furries are all nerds.

: At the top of this dinosaur cave is a hidden area you have to jump to.

: This gets you a ring that is very easy to miss and which is also trash. The only enchantment spell we give a shit about is Irresistible Dance.

: Near the portal out is a locked chest with this trident in it. This thing is probably the strongest melee weapon in the game.

: Let’s get to the actual sidequest. We need to kill this clown.

: Any plan that starts with “Let’s kill a clown” is never going to end well.

: The animal handlers here are also in on it, and will free the animals on their first turn. You can theoretically pickpocket the keys off them or talk to the animals, but meh.

: To no one’s surprise, the clown is a doppelganger.

: A few turns later everyone is dead.

: We need to talk to the ringmaster. She has some of the worst dialog in the game.

: “Oh dear. Screaming children, an oozing corpse - and it’s not even my birthday. Lucretious: ringmaster, necromancer, Bringer of the Night - oh, and wine-lover extraordinaire. It’s a pleasure, darling.”

: “I thought the Absolute wouldn’t dare set foot in my circus. To use such a woeful Dribbles impersonator - why, it’s downright rude.”

1. An impersonator? Are you sure?
2. You just lost the star of the show - aren’t you bothered?
3. I don’t know, I enjoyed myself. Killing clowns is a rare treat.

: “You just lost the star of the show - aren’t you bothered?”

: “When you run a plane-hopping circus of ragtags and ruffians, few things faze you. Alas, I cannot afford to lose any more staff - funerals are so very expensive. I need to move the circus.”

: “But I cannot leave just yet - not without Dribbles. He was a star - customers of every color and creed simply adored him. I need him back, and I’ll shower the person who finds him in love, adoration, and adequate compensation. What do you say?”

: “Dribbles is probably dead.”

: “Even better! Corpses are wonderful employees. They aren’t picky about things like ‘working from home’ or ‘eating’.”

: Yep, gotta have that fourth wall break. I hate how the rest of the game at least tries to be subtle about the references, and then this happens.

: This is WoW dialog. You’d talk to this NPC, you’d get a quest with a dumbass reference name like “We All Float Down Here” or some shit, and then you’d do it for 30 rep with the Darkmoons.

: The clown’s body is in seven parts, and one of those requires us to get dangerously close to where Orin is. Let’s get started.

: The first piece is owned by a kobold named “Popper”. Great name choice there. Pollux can get it off him no problem, but you can also find this hidden chest behind the stage.

: What did you expect from a writing room full of gay guys?

: Popper will try to extort us for 10,000 gold. You can also kill him, but that aggros one NPC I forgot to talk to. Let’s do that now.

: Next door to Popper is this mud mephit, who will make a statue of you for 5,000 gold. We’ll do this.

: The next piece is one I missed on purpose - it’s in the area with the three doppelgangers underneath the temple.

: The third piece is in this house, which is behind Lorroakan’s shop. The door is barricaded and there’s a fanfiction gundam staring at it.

: All we have to do is stand up here and destroy the barricade from range.

: There’s a guy down here who I think is supposed to be a fire giant but they didn’t model that so they just took a regular civilian model and increased the size scaling.

: There’s a wall safe down here with some expensive vendor trash inside that Pollux can use to pay off his statue of him and Halsin being boyfriends.

: The fourth piece is in this house, which is near the park that we avoided earlier when trying to get to Minsc.

: There’s no way someone wouldn’t notice this. That many bodies would reek so badly the entire neighborhood would smell it.

: This body with a very stupid name has the next body part. In case you can’t see it, the name is “Incontinentia Figgin”.

: I’d say she’s named after someone’s fetish character, but I think that name is so dumb even those people wouldn’t go for it.

: I cannot wait to be done with this quest. It sucks.

: Next up is this house, which is down the street from the building where we met Mayrina. The door is locked and the front is patrolled by a fanfiction gundam.

: We’ll just use the back instead.

: There’s another basement full of dead bodies, and a couple of mines that Karlach and Astarion fail to detect. The fun part is
we don’t need to give a shit anymore.

: Astarion has evasion, and the mines have a save DC low enough that he’s going to make it almost every time - meaning he takes no damage at all.

: This piece is really easy to get - it’s in a building behind Stormshore Tabernacle, and there’s no gundams to stop you lockpicking your way in.

: This room has a bunch of soap in it in case you clowned your entire party and regret that decision. This is as far as we can go with this quest.

: The reason is that the final body part is just before Orin’s boss room. To get there, we need to do her entire quest line, which means doing the “Investigate the Murders” quest and going through two different fanfiction gauntlets.

: Instead, let’s do a sidequest a lot of people miss. This one has to be done before killing Gortash, and has a time limit once started.

: To start it, we need to go all the way back to the start of the lower city and find this random lady talking to a newsboy.

: “Oh ho. You. I know you. How delightful to meet in person, though you’re shorter than I expected.”

1. You have me at a disadvantage. I’ve no idea who you are.
2. Sorry, how do you know me?
3. Rude.
4. Leave.

: “You have me at a disadvantage. I have no idea who you are.”

: “My name’s Estra Stir. Journalist. I speak to the people of Baldur’s Gate so our readers don’t have to.”

1. How did you know who I was?
2. Are your readers not also people of Baldur’s Gate?
3. [BALDURIAN] You work for the Baldur’s Mouth Gazette, I presume.
4. Nice to meet you - I really must be going.

: “You work for the Baldur’s Mouth Gazette, I presume.”

: “You are quite correct - the best broadsheet around. I would certainly recommend picking up a copy in the near future. You are, after all, the star of the next Baldur’s Mouth Gazette.”

: “I’ve never been in a broadsheet before. Where can I buy a copy?”

: “All over the city. Get one soon - so you don’t lose out on the fun of reading it yourself. It’s our juiciest edition in an age, bound to get everyone talking about you.”

: “I’m not mad. They can’t put in the paper that I got mad.”

: You can talk to the editor of the paper, but he just gets pissy and kicks you out.

: We could probably take the fanfiction gundams protecting him, but they’re a pain in the ass to kill.

: Instead, we want to make Astarion invisible and send him down to the basement.

: There are two more fanfiction gundams down here.

: Down the hall is a magic talking printing press. The printing press will know who you are if you saved the pixie in Act 2.

: He’ll offer to print a different story if we can find the printing plates to do so.

: This gets us an inspiration for Lyselle. There are a number of printing plates in the basement and on the floor above. There are three “negative” stories, three “neutral” stories, and three “positive” stories.

: The easiest positive story to get is in this basket near the press. The nine headlines are:

Positive:

• “Adventurers, Our Best Hope For the City”
• “Celebrate the Brave Heroes Who Slew Ketheric Thorm”
• “Make Big Money by Trading with Adventurers”

Neutral:

• “Cutest Cat You’ve Ever Seen”
• “Graverobbers’ Spree”
• “Hear the Finest Shanties at the Blushing Mermaid”

Negative:

• “Curse-Breakers or Curse-Makers?”
• “A Public Danger!”
• “Wolves in Sheeps’ Clothing”

: We get an inspiration for Astarion, as well as a reputation boost with most of the traders in Act 3. The story will print the next time we long rest.

: There is one more quest we can do that doesn’t directly relate to the main plot in some way, and that’s visiting Miku’s hideout under the Elfsong Tavern.

: Before we do that though, let’s go check Bluesky. Surely Swen Vincke hasn’t done anything stupid.

: Uh-oh! Not only is that an outright lie - there’s no way the company can make a model using only their own material - but that’s a major step from “We’d only maybe use it for concept art”.

: “The cellars are just down the stairs - there you’ll find my old lodgings.”

: The chef is one of the murder victims off that list, and he has a dumbass quest for us that exists solely to be a BG1 reference.

: He wants us to kill all the rats in the cellar.

: And now we go through Rat Hell from Look Outside.

: There are a couple of wine barrels and puddles of alcohol connecting them, so all we have to do is blow them up.

: “I hear some big rats up ahead. The colonel doesn’t like this…”

: “Squeak!”

: “The psionic detector’s been activated. There’s some rats ahead alright.”

: I think they’re more frogs than rats.

: The strategy here is to kill the two frogs keeping the gates up, which will shit out more frogs.

: Jump on the paladin immediately and kill her. We can then focus on the gates.

: We’re still on Tactician, so it is extremely unlikely that we’re going to interrupt the gate casters through damage.

: We can go all out because we’re going to long rest before we deal with Orin next update.

: The gith go down without too much trouble.

: The paladin has a pair of completely useless boots. I have no idea why they put so much Lae’zel-specific gear in this game.

: This room has a bunch of exposition we do not give a fuck about.

: You can find out that the mind flayer liked soup. What a critical character detail.

: And here’s where he tortured his victims to death.

: Our reward is a sword and some armor we’re never going to use.

: The rats drop a ring that allows us to cast Dominate Beast, which.. yeah, we’re never going to have cause to cast that.

: Finally, we can talk to the inn’s owner. This gets us our final campsite of the game.

: For 200 gold, you can rent the entire top floor for the rest of the game. On balanced, this is probably worth it if you’re running low on food.

: There’s a dumbwaiter in the back that will sell you a supply pack per night for 60 gold. On Tactician or Honor Mode, it’s kind of pointless because one supply pack isn’t enough to rest.

: Finding the mind flayer’s stuff makes him try and fuck you. We’re not doing that. Next time, we’ll do Orin’s questline and kill her.