Down, Down, Down By the River: Let's Play Baldur's Gate 3

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3! Today, we’ll clear out the two remaining zones in the Underdark.

: Not to mention killing a whole lot of duergar. Some of them we even kill twice.

: Our first destination is just to the right of where we found the fairy rings, at the far end of the explosive mushroom field.

: As soon as you step into the courtyard, the game puts you into turn-based mode. Let’s see what’s got that massive vision field.

: There are two turrets here, which will start firing magic missiles at anyone they have an unobstructed view of. They’re “sturdy”, meaning nothing short of a crit is going to damage them.

: If you know where you’re going, you can run someone who can jump (Karlach or Lae’zel) past the turrets and into an area where you can shut them off.

: Alternatively, you can go back to the sussur tree and grab a couple of its flowers. Because the turrets are magical, the flowers will shut them down.

: Due to a bug (which still isn’t fixed in Patch 8) the turrets will change their appearance to look activated if you drop a flower on them, but won’t actually be activated.

: This bug also makes them invincible. Fortunately, you get the experience for killing them even if they’re just disabled.

: The corner of the courtyard has a bunch of vendor items and a letter.

Dearest Yrre,

I don’t know if you’re coming back, if you’ll even read this message, but if you do come back, could you wait for me? I’ll only be gone a few tendays, but the thought of coming back to this empty tower, with nothing but Bernard to fill these halls.. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I miss you. I miss you so much.

I can’t shake the thought of how different things might have been if only I’d been less stubborn. Working on your lightning inventions, my magic. Eating together. Laughing at your stupid puns. Waking up next to you. Despite everything, I still love you.

So please, if you read this, can you wait? I’ll be back. I won’t be long.

Forever yours,
Lenore

[A few sentences are penned below, in a different hand.]

I waited. I waited until Tarsahk. I’ll always wait for you, but you didn’t come.

: I almost cried at this part when I played it.

: We could go through the front door (it’s locked) but we really do not want to do that. Instead, we want to send Karlach down this path of mushrooms on the side of the tower.

: You can cast Feather Fall here to avoid taking 2 points of fall damage, but we’ll just take it since it’s easier than going all the way back and getting Lyselle.

: The intended solution is to have a wizard come down here using Enhance Leap and Feather Fall and then summon a mage hand to crawl through the pipe.

: Bashing through the door is always a solution until your wife finds out someone broke the back door.

: The bottom floor is an alchemy lab, and contains the first book we need to solve the puzzles here.

THE ANTIMAGIC PROPERTIES OF SUSSUR TREE FLOWERS
By L. De Hurst

For those knowing about sussur trees, their magical properties have always been a topic of debate; not only their ability to create an antimagic aura, which is complete enough that even those unattuned to the Weave can feel its effect, but also - and most interestingly to those living in the World Above - the ways its roots, bark, and flowers can be harnessed to make magic items.

Rumors of such items are rare, but spread in settlements bordering the Underdark. Their existence, however, has never been confirmed by any of our clerics, nor by any other reputable scholars. I hypothesised that these items are no mere legends, and indeed, in this treatise I will endeavour to explain how I myself created items that have antimagic properties, and that use the magical absorption of sussur tree flowers as a power source.

[ Lines have been drawn on the following pages, as if the author intended to fill them with writing, but the remainder of the thin book is blank.]

: There’s a power generator down here that asks for an item if we try to use it. The blue petals on the ground are also a clue.

: This makes the lights come on outside and disables all the turrets.

: It also powers the elevator, which we need in order to navigate the rest of the tower.

: What was her backup plan if the elevator ran out of power?

: That’s.. a good question. Clerics don’t have access to anything that would allow them to get through that pipe to flip the switch.

: This room has the mushrooms we need for Omeluum’s quest.

: It also has a book (hidden next to the supply pack) that we need to finish the tower.

[This threadbare book looks like it once contained a play, but most of it has been lost to time, vermin, and an unfortunate ink spill. Only two full sentences are distinguishable.]

How can I trust? How will I ever know?
How can I show myself, my darkest me?

: The next floor up is where we would have entered if Astarion had picked the front door.

: The reason you don’t want to do that is because there are two turrets in here, and the elevator wouldn’t be active.

: There is a book here that we do not want to read. It adds a trap option to a dialog puzzle coming up.

: You can fly through the hole in the floor to get to the next level, or just use the elevator.

: This ring is particularly important on honor mode for making a difficult religion check in Act 3.

: The desk has a letter and a book.

Dearest Lenore,

I’m not sure I should say this, but your last letter really worried me. Why in all Hells would you tame a bulette? Just because you found it near Myrna’s grave doesn’t mean that’s a sign. I’m really worried about you, Lenore. A bulette is not a pet. Using it as a guardian is one thing, but you sound quite taken by it. I know you don’t want to come back before you finish your research, but if you are feeling lonely, you know my door is always open.

Lots of love and hugs,
Amarith

P.S.: It really warms my heart to hear that you put the autumncrocus flowers on Myrna’s grave. I remember she liked to roll around in them, even though she’d always sneeze after. She was such a soft, loyal dog. I wish there was more I could do.

: We just killed her pet and used its zombified corpse to kill a bunch of people.

: It died doing what it loved: eating people.

: This book is two pages long and the relevant part is a single sentence, so I’ll just copy the relevant part.

Thunder and lightning, Enter Soreth
SORETH:
New sounds through damp and dark oppression break
Is it the foe, that foul, contemptuous heel?
Or art thou friend, a rescue from my lonely wake?
Come out of love for me, not love for blood and steel.

: This disc will cause Lae’zel to go bitch mode if she’s in the party. This is why I don’t bring Lae’zel anywhere.

Narrator: The disc is formed from slate and engraved with githyanki writing. You examine them closely, but can’t make much sense of them. Without a cipher or primer to aid you, the disc’s message could be near-impossible to discern.

1. Command the disc to reveal its secrets.
2. [INVESTIGATION] Seek a pattern in the writing.
3. Stash the disc in your pack.

Narrator: In your mind’s eye, the symbols trade places with each other until a clear pattern forms. And from that pattern, a story emerges.

The Prince of the Comet, Part One

So it was that we were free from ghaik shackles and turned our blades on each other. The heavens were shattered, and one great empire was divided in two. Gith travelled to the Hells to broker help for her people, her cause. Vlaakith would have you believe Mother Gith proclaimed her our queen.

Lies! Gith made no such proclamation. Vlaakith seized the empire against the Mother’s wishes. But Gith had nurtured a son. Orpheus, Prince of the Comet, the True Heir! He knew Vlaakith’s treachery. Orpheus rallied Gith’s honor guard and declared the throne for himself. The War of the Comet had begun.

Narrator: It’s an intriguing tale - and a forbidden one, given how expertly it was encoded. Lae’zel will surely want to know of this.

: If you have Lae’zel with you, the scene with the disc is very different. Lae’zel will refuse to read it because it’s considered blasphemy against Vlaakith.

: Assuming you’re having trouble, you can read this other gith slate to get advantage on the check.

: This button in the corner seemingly doesn’t work.. unless you’ve found a certain spot already, which I’ve intentionally skipped.

: This grave is behind the hook horrors. We could have used it earlier, but you get a special interaction if you read the letter on the desk.

Narrator: In memory of Myrna - a shining light in this dark world. May you forever gaze upon the lake you loved to play in.

1. Put a bundle of autumncrocus on next to the tombstone.
2. Dig up the grave.
3. Leave.

: At least we got to make her dog happy.

: And now it’s time to desecrate the grave so we can press that button.

: No.

: If you decide to dig the grave up, you get a dog collar that will make the button dispense a piece of steak if someone wears it.

: This page is the last one, and opens up an optional scene.

[The writing on this torn-out strip of paper is shaky and blotted with tears, making it barely legible.]

The silence stretches on - I’m all alone.
Please, can I hold your hands, for just a while?

: The next floor is the top floor, which has a potential boss fight in it.

: “New sounds through damp and dark oppression break / Is it the foe, that foul, contemptuous heel?”

: (It’s a good thing I read that book earlier.)

1. ‘Or art thou friend, a rescue from my lonely wake?’
2. Out of my way. I’m not interested in riddles.
3. I’m a friend. I come in peace.
4. I’m not foul or contemptuous, but I am a foe.
5. Attack it while it waits for an answer.

: Would we win this fight? Yes. Would it be worthwhile? No.

: “Or art thou friend, a rescue from my lonely wake?”

: “Come out of love for me, not love for blood and steel… command as you see fit, my lord, my liege.”

1. ‘How can I trust? How will I ever know? / How can I show myself, my darkest me?’
2. 'There is a light in every living thing. / It’s crawling t’wards the surface to survive.
3. 'The silence stretches on - I’m all alone. / Please, can I hold your hands, for just a while?
4. What is this place?
5. Who are you?
6. Leave.

: Option 2 is a trap option that causes the robot to immediately turn hostile. You only get it if you read the book I pointed out as being a trap.

: (Which one.. let’s try this.)

: “The silence stretches on - I’m all alone. / Please, can I hold your hands, for just a while?”

: “Of course, my love. Don’t be afraid, sweet girl. What can I do? Say, would you like a hug?”

1. Yes, please.
2. I’m fine, thanks.

: “Um.. yes?”

: “Come here. For just a moment. Let it out.”

: How sad do you have to be to build a robot to hug you?

Narrator: His arms are too tight and too low for a comfortable hug - as if he’s meant to be embracing someone slightly shorter.

: This message happens regardless of what race or gender combination you’re playing. If you’re playing as a small race, you instead get a message about his arms closing above your head.

: This means that Lenore was either a particularly short human or elf, or a particularly tall dwarf.

: “Remember: You are loved, Lenore. So much. You’re doing great. And everyone will be so proud of you. As I already am.”

: Doing this gives EXP as if we had killed Bernard. We still need an item from him, though.

: “How can I trust? How will I ever know? / How can I show myself, my darkest me?”

: “If you do not your deepest secrets show? Reveal your truth, give me what you wish to see.”

: Our reward is a ring that mostly exists for navigating Act 2 if you don’t have a caster in your party. It allows you to cast Light at will.

: It also dispels an illusion on the elevator that shows us the button for the basement.

: Before we go down, there’s a stool in the corner here we want to break.

: This gets us a club that sets the strength of whoever uses it to 19. Because it’s a club, anyone can use it - particularly people like Pollux who don’t really care about melee.

: Our last stop is this note over here that will give us one final interaction with Bernard. Speaking of which, you’ll notice the sussur flower placed in the back.

: If you do plan on fighting Bernard, you want to grab all the remaining flowers and put them next to the animated armors. This completely disables them.

: At that point, you either get the bulette and have it kill Bernard or push him out the window.

: The basement is largely superfluous - it’s a second location to find the potion ingredients for Omeluum if you somehow didn’t find them upstairs.

: Both ingredients make potions that aren’t the quest one, but they’re both useless for my purposes.

: The only other thing down here is this staff. In theory, it should be part of a pretty overpowered combination involving a ring you can buy off Volo, but due to a bug it’s not.

: The ring grants Bless for 2 turns if you heal someone, and then the staff doubles or triples the hit bonus. Unfortunately, the staff doesn’t work with the ring.

: Oh right, this ring is here too. It’s meant to be used with those boots that electrify water if you start your turn in it.

: We can also find Lenore’s diary, which tells us she disappeared ten years ago. There’s one more thing to grab on the way out, and it’s on the main floor.

: This chest has a gimmick where anything put into it will transform into a piece of dinnerware until it’s taken out. It was SUPER broken prior to about Patch 4.

: The chest used to randomly eat items and if you put gold into it, it would be deleted past a certain amount (which I believe was 21).

: From Patch 4 to I think Patch 5, the chest was a way to bypass carry weight because you could transform all your heavy stuff into spoons. They made the chest too heavy to pick up to stop you doing that.

: We’re done here. Time to go exterminate some duergar.

: We could just talk our way through it.

: Nothing has died yet and I’m bored.

: Back at the beach, Captain Pollux sets sail on his vessel, which.. apparently uses sails despite being in the underdark where there is no wind.

: Unfortunately, some duergar show up to crash the party. If you talked your way through the first duergar camp, you skip this part and get the EXP for free.

: “Elf! What are you doing on Gekh’s raft?”

: “Where’s Gekh? Who are you?”

1. [INTIMIDATION] In the name of the Absolute - you will let me pass.
2. [DECEPTION] I saw a body left by the myconids - your ‘Gekh’ must be dead.
3. Reach out to the Duergar’s parasite.
4. [ATHLETICS] Push the duergar into the river.
5. Attack.

: There’s no reason to fight these guys.

: They’re big blobs of HP who aren’t carrying much of value. Greymon in particular isn’t worth killing because he shows up at the duergar camp and is a trader.

: If you kill Greymon here, his inventory disappears. If you let him get to the duergar camp, you can kill him later and get all his stuff.

: If you do choose to fight (or are forced into it), the goal is to knock as many of the enemies into the water as possible.

: Pollux’s skills are so high right now that he can roll a 3 and make this DC 15 check. The intimidate check is a DC 10 and he’s guaranteed to make that unless he rolls a 1.

: Foregone conclusions like this are one issue I have with D&D as a system. Skills become kind of meaningless after a point because you’re guaranteed to make them unless you roll a 1.

: “Damn - the sergeant’ll be pissed about her boots. Come on - let’s get you to shore. You’re the one telling the sergeant what happened. The rest of you - keep patrolling. I’ll be heading back with this one.”

: Welcome to Grymforge. This is the penultimate area of Act 1, and can in fact be the last area you visit if you choose not to go past the gith in the mountain pass.

: The thing is, we really do not want to do that. There’s a boss at the start of Act 2, and how you fight him depends on the path you took. The underdark route is MUCH harder.

: Harder if you haven’t been saving explosives the entire game, maybe.

: “Well, I’ll be ploughed sideways - we got a welcoming party.”

: I have no idea why this cutscene glitched and put Karlach and Astarion here.

Morghal: “You shithead - time you showed up. We got trouble.”

: “Spit it out. Sergeant finally choked on True Soul Nere’s prick?”

Morghal: Drugh no. The Twat-Soul caused a rockfall. Trapped tighter than a ring on a fat finger."

: “You’re shitting me. He pay up?”

Morghal: That’s the trouble - he’s got the gold on him. Sergeant’s arm is falling off with all the gnome slaves she’s beating.

Morghal: “Who’s the hoon, Greymon - another slave for the dig?”

: I kinda hate when games do this - have bits and pieces of fantasy slang that don’t mean anything. That’s one thing Cyberpunk (the tabletop game) and Shadowrun did really well.

: Both of those games have extensive glossaries explaining all the slang they use, and everything’s consistent (if a little ridiculous and dated).

1. I am a True Soul. And you will treat me with respect.
2. I was told to report to the sergeant.
3. You keep slaves here?
4. Don’t worry about what I’m here for - I’ll be on my way.

: “Listen here, chummer. I’m a True Soul. You can shut the fuck up, or I can geek you right here and then plug myself in to the Matrix and upload my sick frag vid, which will only take four to six hours depending on which edition we’re playing because no one understands the Matrix rules.”

: Or alternatively,

: “Fuck off, choomba, unless you want me to flatline you. Now I’m gonna go do some coke because it’s perpetually 1985 depsite ostensibly being in the 2070s.”

: The choice is yours.

: For some reason, all the duergar in BG3 are psychic. This is fanfiction - duergar in the Monster Manual are not psychic.

Narrator: You feel the slightest of stirrings in your head. The duergar is not infected, yet your minds resonate.

Morghal: I’ll be - you ain’t shittin’. Felt the tingle. Your Twat-Soul chum owes us a load of coin. You want through? Make a donation.

1. Fine - take it.
2. I’m not giving you a single coin.
3. I’ll take your head before you take my gold.

Morghal: “Unclog your hole - just shitting around. But I’m warning you - that Twat-Soul ain’t settle up soon, there’ll be hell to pay for the lot of you cult-buggers.”

: We get 30 owlbears of experience - 450 for talking our way past the boat, and another 150 for talking our way past this fight. Astarion also gets an inspiration.

: The goal here is to understand that half the duergar are cultists, and the other half aren’t. We’re going to turn the half that aren’t on the half that are, and then kill the survivors.

: Of course, what fun would it be if we didn’t tip the scales a bit?

: Take this idiot standing here by himself. He’s an easy target - except for the spiders behind him who think he’s a god. They’ll join any fight on his side.

Lur Jox: “We need no ‘Lolth’ - no spider queen! Father Murmath is the head of Clan Lur. He hatched us, raised us, feeds us!”

Lur Xanta: “What care we for his business here? He keeps us small. Keeps us contained. We should be with the Spider Queen - revered, adored!”

: The only thing these spiders should be worried about is my boot once my wife finds them.

1. [RELIGION] Recall your learnings about the Spider Queen, Lolth.
2. Turning on your head-of-clan, are you? I’m sure that’ll end well.
3. Spiders for the Spider Queen. Seems logical.
4. See how this mutiny plays out.
5. Attack the nearest spider.

Narrator: You’ve read that harming spiders is illegal among Lolth’s faithful - and often punishable by death.

: “I’ve read that among Lolth’s faithful, harming spiders is punishable by death, because Lolth is really just Evil Hinduism.”

: We could kill the spiders, but why do that when there’s a perfectly stabbable cultist nearby?

: That’s one down on the cultist side. It’s funny to me that the game considers this guy to be worth nearly four owlbears in terms of experience value.

: Heh.

: Can you do anything with that? Surely there’s some interaction..

: Sadly, there isn’t. There’s not even a mod for it.

: Our next victims are these morons, who are busy throwing corpses into the river. If you killed any of the dwarves on the boat by knocking them off, their bodies will be here.

: Naturally, this is also where your party’s bodies will go if they get knocked off.

: You can talk to them and try to convince them to leave, or you can ambush them. One of them has a bomb - it’s the one that’s not this guy - so kill him first.

: That’s three cultists down.

: I didn’t realize we were already exterminating.

: Where the hell were you?

: Hunting down the video I made of when I did this the first time, where I made an elaborate explosive trap.

: There’s a ring on one of the dead gnomes. The duergar will eventually toss the corpse into the water, but we killed them fast enough that it’s still there.

: You may have noticed the massive double doors behind all the dead gnomes. We’ll come back for that because there’s a pretty nasty fight in there.

: These two aren’t cultists and presumably only didn’t notice the party killing the cultists by the shore because they’re too drunk.

: “Another round, Stickshit.”

: Why is he named after a Pokemon?

: “Pisspot.”

: “You flirt. Now jump to it, or it’s up the lift and straight to the shadows.”

: “If I was that slave, I’d be tempted to add a dash of something poisonous to their drinks.”

: It would admittedly be amusing to just kill these two, but I’m not passing up a second opportunity to poison booze.

: “True Soul, yeah? Tell the sergeant we won’t move a pebble.”

1. Your captive is most entertaining. How might I get one of my own?
2. I heard a True Soul was trapped. Shouldn’t you be helping?
3. You disgust me, slaver. How do you live with yourself?
4. Leave.

: “I heard a True Soul was trapped. Shouldn’t you be helping?”

: “Hold out your hands, hoon.”

Ward Pistle: “You heard the man. Let’s see 'em.”

: “Five workin’ fingers. Nice and bony, prime for digging. You want Nere, you claw him out. My drinking hand’s busy.”

: Their cask is down at the bottom of the stairs. If everyone else is dead, you can poison it without anyone seeing.

: Remember when I said the poison from the alchemist’s basement had a niche use? We’ve found it.

: Hey, this beer tastes like almonds!

: The other dwarf will see her partner die and then drink the beer anyway.

: These two aren’t cultists, but they’re so far away from where the fight will eventually start that killing them doesn’t shift the odds at all.

: “Shit. You did it. What now?”

1. Go find somewhere to hide - wait for things to cool down.
2. Take the lift to the surface.
3. Figure it out yourself.

: “Go find somewhere to hide. All these duergar are going to die.”

: “I know a place, cross the lake. Should be safe. Won’t be needing this poison, now that you’ve offed the pricks. Bet you’ll find it handy, though.”

: “You’re a good one. I won’t forget it.”

: The two duergar have mugs of beer on them that are somehow totally safe to consume.

: Now that everyone’s dead, we want to grab this pin off this dead drow. They also have a letter.

Jhaam,

Like a phoenix from the ashes, Grymforge has risen from the dead.

I’ve word of a drow cultist gathering duergar in the old city’s halls. That the Absolute means to recruit them, I’ve no doubt. Yet it’s what they might seek amidst the ruins that most troubles me.

You’ve not failed me yet. Go to Grymforge, cling to shadow - and bring word of the cult’s intentions to Last Light. I will be waiting.

J

: If you use Speak with Dead on the drow, she will tell you who J is. J is Jaheira, a name anyone who played the first two games will recognize.

: There are other places to get one of these pins, but we want to hold on to this.

: We’ll take a break from exterminating to talk to these two dwarves, who are located up the stairs from the dock.

: “How peculiar. Smooth face, cobbled edges. They’re a sign - they must be.”

: “A sundweller in these parts? Look here, my top-side friend - I need fresh eyes. And I doubt I’ll find fresher.”

1. Fine. What should I be looking at?
2. What are you doing, exactly?
3. A friendly welcome? A rarity in the Underdark.
4. Leave.

: “Fine. What should I be looking at?”

: “The rock. The rubble. All of it, if I may be so bold. Take a look. Tell me what you see. And be thorough.”

1. [HISTORY] Assess the statue for technique and composition.
2. [INVESTIGATION] Examine the fallen rubble.
3. [PERCEPTION] Survey the area for unseen curiosities.
4. [BARD] [HISTORY] Try to remember the tome ‘Fables of Forges Grym’.
5. [BARD] [DECEPTION] I know everything about this place. In fact, it was hand-forged by a flumph called Grym..
6. Leave.

: “Buddy, I took a minor in stone-ology in bard college. Let me tell you EVERYTHING.”

: “That’s.. not what it’s called.”

: Everyone knows you’d use brick-ology here. It’s made of bricks. That’s just common sense.

Narrator: Several glassy stones stand out in the debris. Their borders are coated with tiny yellow crystals. The hottest of flames smoothed the stone and left sulphuric crystals behind. The fires of the Hells have touched Grymforge.

: Oh sure, blame Hell. As if there’s nothing on Earth that can melt.. what is that, granite? You don’t even need sorcery to do that.

: I swear, you melt ONE boulder out of anger and suddenly everything’s your fault. Next thing you know you’ve got the unions summoning you to do masonry.

: What about the sulphur crystals?

: False flag operation.

Narrator: Boulders and stone bricks of various sizes clutter the corridor, many split in two. Yet some walls remain fully intact.

Narrator: No quake brought these rocks down - they were smashed through in an instant. Something big charged through here. Something very big.

: I swear, you smash through one wall and suddenly every loose brick is your fault.

: I know, right?

: I never thought you’d be the one to understand.

Narrator: The statue’s meandering curves and golden edges stand out against the weathered masonry behind it. Two styles, two eras. The statue was carved from newer stone and erected by late-comers to this ancient fortress.

: “Incredible - an entire history, risen from dirt and debris! Picture it: an ancient city, hewn from the stone by disciples of Shar, later abandoned.”

: “Untold centuries later, a new tribe revives it. Fresh walls, fresh sculptures.. until a great hellbeast charges through, toppling the walls and crushing the people!”

: “Heh, that explains the infernal plate I found. Perhaps you might have use of it.”

: Kith is also a trader, and carries an Elixir of Vigilance, which I buy off him immediately along with the camp supplies.

: The infernal alloy he gives us is special - we can use it to abuse a glitch in Act 2 that I think still exists in Patch 7.

: Down the hall from Kith, we find some skeletons.

: One of them has a functioning set of Dark Justiciar armor, marking them as Shar worshippers. Shadowheart will comment on this, but we’re ditching her in a minute.

: This skeleton also has a diary we can read to get a quest.

[Cycle Forty]

I know it is forbidden to enter the Inquisitor’s chambers, but I could not help myself. Has Master Ketheric not commanded us to use every possible tool to best Shar’s rivals? Besides, if Sybil meant to keep the amulet a secret, she would have hidden it better.

[Cycle Forty and Two]

The amulet has gifted me a power, an energy, heretofore unknown to me. I’ve never known such might - and such… cheer! I can barely keep myself from smiling, much to the others’ chagrin.

[Cy… Ff n! Ha!]

I c… Ha. HAHAHA!..hBGM…

[Cycle Forty and Five]

It is done, thank the Dark Lady. Sybil ripped the amulet from my throat and cast it into the lava, having found me racked with laughter. The madness has lifted - but I do not yet know my penance. Sybil is not known to take pity on thieves.

: That one entry doesn’t even make sense if he’s hand-writing it.

: This gives us a quest to “Help the Spirit of the Amulet”, which.. really isn’t worth doing. I’ll do it anyway to show it off, but on my first run I intentionally skipped it.

: None of these duergar are cultists, even though two of them have “cultist” as their class. They won’t help when the fight breaks out, and we’ve already killed.. what, five of them? What’s a few more bodies on the pile?

: I’m going to ditch Shadowheart here and bring in Lyselle after respeccing her to Warlock 2 / Sorcerer 3 so she can push with Eldritch Blast.

: “You - grab a cane and whip these drugnin’ beasts into shape. That rubble needs clearing, and my patience is hanging on by an arse whisker.”

1. You want me to cane these poor beasts?
2. Almost sounds like you’re asking for help, if I ignore your tone.
3. Do your own dirty work.
4. Leave.

: “You want me to cane these poor beasts?”

: “Damned right I do. Gettin’ cramps in my arm from trying to whip the drugnin’ beasts back into shape. Now get to the canin’, before I thrash you instead.”

1. What’s behind the rubble?
2. Leave it to me. I’ll show these deep rothe who’s in charge.
3. I know these creatures well. You should give them another lash of the cane.
4. You want to thrash me? Go on, then.
5. Leave.

: “What’s behind the rubble?”

: “You got no need to know, and I got no need to tell. So get to caning, or get to leaving.”

1. [PERSUASION] You want my help? Then you will tell me what’s back there.
2. [INVESTIGATION] Examine the rubble for anything unusual.
3. Call on the parasite, connect with the taskmaster. What does he seek?
4. Leave it to me. I’ll show these deep rothe who’s in charge.
5. Leave.

: “You want my help? Then you will tell me what’s back there.”

: “Adamantine. Stuff’s no joke. Stronger than steel, rarer than mithral. It ain’t mined - it’s made. There’s an adamantine forge back there, sure as shittin’.”

: “Don’t get any smart ideas - that forge is clan property. But get the beasts moving and I’ll toss some coin your way.”

: We could simply kill them all, but there’s more experience in it if we talk to the rothe first.

Deep Rothe: No more. No more pain, no more work. All must die!

1. Hit the rothe.
2. What has you in such a state?
3. [PERSUASION] Breathe. Focus. If you strike, your masters will destroy the herd.
4. [PERSUASION] You were made to serve. This is your meaning. Remove the rubble, as you were told.
5. [PERSUASION] Give in to your rage and avenge your pain. Don’t strike us all, just your masters.
6. Leave.

: If you make the roll for option 5, you get an extra 80 EXP. That’s four owlbears worth, so of course we’ll take it.

: Bye, fucker! Say hi to Lucifer for me! Or don’t. He’ll start singing.

: That’s two down and we haven’t even broken a sweat. Aren’t bottomless pits great? They’re not. Trust me on that one.

: The herdmaster goes down before he can scream. If you miss one of the pushes, chances are the duergar will still hang out by the edge and you’ll get a second shot.

: If you talk to the rothe after killing the duergar, they’ll unblock the passage for you. This isn’t necessary since Lyselle can do it with Eldritch Blast, but it’s 80 extra EXP.

: We could go to the forge this way and fight the boss there - but we’re missing some items we need to make the forge work.

: Instead, we’ll head up to the top level where Nere is. On the way, there’s a trapped chest Astarion can open.

: We get a shield that uses the lightning charges mechanic, which is already kinda underpowered and which we’ll be tossing aside at 6th level.

: If the plan is to turn the duergar against each other, this is the guy to speak with.

: “Seen her run with a barrel under her arm. Just a small one, but enough to blow the drow out. Someone should grab it. Slaves are never gonna manage with pickaxes.”

Stone Guard Kur: “Can’t go chasin’ maybes - the sergeant’s our ticket in.”

: “Would you look at that, Kur. Someone’s having a listen.”

Narrator: A shiver runs through you. Your mind is awash in ancient resentments.

: “True Soul, no less. What do you think, Kur - should we take Nere’s debt off him?”

1. Why would you think I’m a True Soul?
2. You want my gold? Then you’ll have to fight me for it.
3. Don’t be absurd. I hate these True Soul cultists.
4. I want Nere out - and it sounds like you have a lead.
5. Leave.

: “Don’t be absurd. I hate these True Soul cultists.”

: “Yet you got that Twat-Soul stench. If I didn’t know better, I’d say a mind flayer shat a worm in your brain. Should split your head open and poke around in there if you lot don’t pay up.”

1. A stench? Ridiculous. I’m no more a True Soul than you are.
2. Go on, try it. I’ve been itching for a fight.
3. I heard you talking. I want Nere out - and you have a lead.
4. Leave.

Narrator: The shiver returns. This time, it’s colder. Sharper.

: “The stench don’t lie. You’re one of them.”

1. Fine. I’m a True Soul. What do you plan to do about it?
2. [DECEPTION] You’re imagining things. I would never bow to the Absolute.
3. [DECEPTION] I was a True Soul. That cult lied to me - now I want revenge.
4. [DETECT THOUGHTS] Cast Detect Thoughts.
5. Leave.

: “I was a True Soul. That cult lied to me - now I want revenge.”

: “Hm. Revenge, eh? In that case, I got a proposal. Want to earn some gold?”

1. What gold? I thought you hadn’t been paid yet.
2. Depends. What do you need done?
3. If you’re offering me a job, I’m not interested.
4. Please. I’ve already got more coin than you could carry.

: “What gold? I thought you hadn’t been paid yet.”

: “Ain’t my gold I’m offering. It’s the True Soul’s. Thrinn’s after the Absolute’s glory - that’s why she’s got those slaves digging for Nere. But we ain’t need glory - just coin. And Nere’s got plenty.”

: “Help Thrinn free Nere - then you and my chums grind him up. Whatever the spoils, we’ll drop you a fat cut. You in?”

1. I’m in.
2. Count me out.
3. Good plan. I think Sergeant Thrinn should know about it.
4. [PERSUASION] Sounds good. I expect half the spoils.

: “Sounds good. I expect half the spoils.”

: “Half? You drugnin’… Fine. Half it is. But first we need to take care of something. You seen that weird orb-eye floatin’ about? Knife it. And don’t get caught.”

: “The cult watches through it. And we can’t risk more Twat-Souls showing up.”

: And here’s the eye in question. Unlike the goblin camp, most of the obvious pits (like the one Brithvar is standing in front of) are covered by invisible walls specifically to stop you pushing the eye in.

: The guards (even the ones on Brithvar’s side) will attack if they see you attack it, but we don’t need to worry about that. Why? Because the eye will follow the party if it sees them.

: We already know that this room has a cliff we can push things off of.

: And that’ll do it. This is why we cleared the duergar out of this spot before going anywhere near the top area where the eye is, otherwise disposing of it would be harder.

: We can go kill Nere now.. but that explosive barrel is tempting. We’re going to have to go back to the docks for that.

: The double doors near all the dead gnomes lead to a kitchen full of expensive silverware that Pollux takes and refuses to sell.

: The kitchen has a hidden door that leads to the secret control room which contains the button that opens the underground liquid waste facility.

: And no, I’m not kidding when I say liquid waste facility. See those acid pools?

: They spawn ochre jellies. There’s no strategy against these - they have a ranged attack, they have a melee attack that hits for more than the ranged attack, and they’re big blobs of HP.

: No strategy? I beg to differ.

: The jellies won’t drop off the ceiling if you walk through their area while stealthed.

: The top of the stairs forms a natural chokepoint, and crucially only has one jelly spawn on top of you which will die quickly to a coordinated assault.

: The other jellies can’t attack from that far, so they’ll spend a turn dashing to try and lose their height disadvantage.

: From here, toss a grenade at them and then spam throws and Eldritch Blast knockback. You’ll get gravity damage on thrown weapons from this distance.

: And that’s how you do it with no damage taken.

: I stand corrected.

: This door is what we’re looking for. It’s locked, but there’s a hole in the wall you can use if you can’t pick it for some reason.

: Ah, the Runepowder Barrel. It’s nearly as good as the upper-mid end barrels in Hell, and does a whopping 10d8 + 40 force damage in a SIXTY FOOT RADIUS.

: The game doesn’t intend for you to steal it, but we’re stealing it.

: “Hold it. I swear to Ironhand, one more step and I blow us to chunks!”

: Feels like they’re running out of ideas when they’ve had two different people try to kill us by blowing up barrels.

: “Wait. What in the hells? Bugger it all - you moved it. Go on, drag me to Moonrise. I’ll make you cult-nutters suffer.”

1. I don’t want you. I just wanted the smokepowder.
2. I’m not taking you anywhere. You’re free to go.
3. I’d rather have the pleasure of killing you with my own hands.

: “I’m not taking you anywhere. You’re free to go.”

: " 'Course I am. You got the runepowder. So now you cut and run. Look. You have no idea what you’re dealing with. Any true Ironhand would trade their life for a grain of this stuff. It’s the whole damn reason we’re here."

: “Fine - I’ve heard all I need.”

: Normally, you’re supposed to make a check and then she gives you a grenade instead of the barrel. We can pickpocket the grenade off her as she leaves.

: Now that the eye’s dead, it’s time to blast Nere free and let all hell break loose.

Nere: “Finally. Worthless slaves. Your incompetence has been my ruin.”

: “Stop! No more innocents will die today, Nere.”

Nere: “You care for the weak, True Soul. Most curious.”

1. I came on the myconid sovereign’s behalf. It demands revenge.
2. I act on orders of the Absolute.
3. Of course I care. I can’t let these gnomes suffer.
4. This isn’t about them. I just can’t stand your face.

: “I came on the myconid sovereign’s behalf. It demands revenge.”

Nere: “You heed an overgrown toadstool, yet defy a True Soul? Carve out his heart and serve it to the rothe. If he is indeed a True Soul, let the Absolute save him.”

1. You wouldn’t dare. I’m faithful to the Absolute.
2. That’s your cue, Brithvar. It’s time you got paid.
3. You so much as touch me, and I’ll tear you limb from limb.
4. Say nothing.
5. [BARD] In your eulogy, I’m going to call you a Twat-Soul.

: “That’s your cue, Brithvar. It’s time you got paid.”

: “Damn right it’s time. You owe my crew a tenday’s worth o’ coin, Nere - and the reckoning’s come.”

: With the duergar serving as meat shields, this fight is so easy that we barely even take damage.

: Brithvar immediately gets thrown into the lava and dies, costing us valuable experience.

: Three of the cultists have mind control spells, which is.. kind of bullshit. Dominate Person (the only spell that lets you do that) is a 5th-level spell. The earliest you could access that is 9th level.

: Lyselle and Astarion fail their saves against domination. Fortunately, they tend to do useless shit (like throwing potions) instead of attacking the party.

: A few turns later, Nere is dead with the party having taken a grand total of 1 hit.

: We could just turn on the survivors, but this isn’t really much of an extermination. Let’s rewind and kill them all.

: This dipshit patrols between the main room and the stairs leading to the stonemasons. If you attack her right here, no one will notice.

: This next part takes a lot of patience and a warlock. The sergeant and one of the mind controllers patrol around the gnomes.

: With an 80% chance to hit (that could be boosted to near 100% with Phalar Aluve) we can push both of them into the lava, removing the two biggest threats in the fight.

: Everyone else stands up here and uses a chair to block the ladder. There’s an archer up here who dies immediately.

: The trick is that most of the duergar only have throwing weapons for range - and the aiming angles for throwing weapons are mostly blocked by the platform.

: They won’t go up the ladder because of the chair, so they’ll walk all the way around. This gives us plenty of time to pelt them from range.

: They come in one by one and die before they can do anything.

: The only minor issue happens when the other mind controller reduces himself and makes Pollux throw his spider grenade.

: And that’s how you exterminate the duergar. The only duergar still alive at this point are the stonemason and his assistant.

: Greymon has a bunch of generic +1 weapons we can sell for cash, and a couple of the other duergar have some trash on them.

: Last time, we didn’t talk to the gnomes. Let’s do that.

: Is he trying to speedrun being kidnapped?

: “Ah. It’s you. The mascot of my ill fortunes.”

1. How did you end up here?
2. Why are you digging?
3. You were on a quest, weren’t you? Making progress?

: “You were on a quest, weren’t you? Making progress?”

: “I came down here looking for Wulbren - I suspected he and his little friends might’ve come to this region, and I was right.”

: “But I was too late. Wulbren had already been taken to Moonrise Towers. The rest, put to work. You won’t find a worse gaggle of rare-do-wells than these ‘Ironhand Gnomes’ - except for Wulbren, desperate though his taste in companions might be.”

: “As I was contemplating his folly, I was spotted by a very ugly duergar. Now, I dig. It isn’t good.”

: “So uh.. you are aware that we just brutally murdered all of them? Did you see the two that went flying into the lava? There’s nothing stopping you from leaving.”

: “There are still gnomes trapped behind those rock - with a vicious cultist, no less. I won’t leave them to his whims.”

Nere: So you care for the weak, True Soul. Was it your hand that slayed Nere’s servants? Or is there a sane explanation?"

: “The sane explanation is I killed them all, and now I’m coming for your head.”

: Don’t you just love it when some smug prick thinks there’s no way you just murdered your way through all his underlings?

Narrator: The decaying corpse lies before you.

: “Someone cast Revivify on him. I want to do this while he’s still alive.”

Narrator: The head breaks off cleanly from the drow’s body.

: Died just like he lived - a sniveling little bitch.

: Nere has a very good pair of boots that should go on your melee to protect them from your casters. We also get his full gold stash - 1000 gold as opposed to the 400 or 500 we would’ve gotten if the duergar lived.

: He also has a pretty decent rapier. This goes on Astarion.

: Finally, if you somehow forgot to loot it off Minthara, he has a Spider’s Lyre. This is used in Act 2.

Lunkbug: “Beldron! I was so worried! Did Nere hurt you?”

: “No, no - I’m all right. Did the sergeant hurt you?”

Lunkbug: Who cares? We’re together now, thank Ironhand!

: Every single deep gnome in this game is gay. I’m not even kidding.

: “We ought to thank someone a little closer by, I think.”

: “Gaerdal Ironhand you may not be, but you damn well fight like him. I’m grateful, don’t mistake me, but.. why help us? You’re one of them, aren’t you?”

: “Your friend sent me.”

: “Glitterring gods, I should’ve known that one was too damn stubborn to die. Here - the Ironhand Gnomes honor their debts. With Wulbren gone, that falls to me.”

: “Make it quick! We need to find Wulbren - now.”

: “You’re a little late, Barcus my lad. He’s already been sent to Moonrise Towers. We were just slave-hands to the cult, but not Wulbren. He.. knows things. Things they want to know too.”

: “What has he gotten himself mixed up in now…”

1. Before you ask, no - I’m not going to stage a rescue.
2. Whatever the cult wants, I want the opposite. We need to free your friend.
3. [PERSUASION] This is no time to be coy. What is it that Wulbren knows?
4. [INTIMIDATION] I also like to know things. Start talking.

: “We don’t have the luxury of being coy. What is it that Wulbren knows?”

: “You’ll call me mad, but.. fine. Wulbren’s found the formula for runepowder.”

: “What?!”

: “Aye. The explosive of Gaerdal Ironhand’s own creation. Fistfuls wiping out armies, all those old stories. Only Wulbren couldn’t leave the stories be - so he went and bloody found it. A small supply, tucked away down here with a manuscript.”

: “He’d just made sense of the formula when the cult jumped us - so he burned the damn thing. If there’s a single copy left, it’s sitting in his head. Those Absolutists pull it out and make runepowder.. they could flatten the whole of the Sword Coast.”

1. Then we’ll just have to free him first.
2. How long do you think he can hold out?
3. I don’t plan on being anywhere nearby when they do
4. If it’s truly that powerful, then we can’t let the cult have it.

: “Then we’ll just have to free him first.”

: “You really would, wouldn’t you? But not us. My people can barely stand. And we have business back in the city. That business is what sent us after the powder to begin with. Now.. we’ll have to make other arrangements.”

: “And just like that, you’d leave Wulbren behind. I knew you lot were foolish, but I didn’t know you were cruel.”

: “If you knew half as much as you think, my lad, Wulbren might have kept you around.”

1. Enough. Bickering won’t save your friend.
2. You’re just abandoning your leader? That’s cold.
3. Run away, then. I have my own business to be about.
4. If my path takes me to Moonrise, I’ll see about freeing Wulbren myself.

: “If my path takes me to Moonrise, I’ll see about freeing Wulbren myself.”

: “He’d admire your resolve. And your optimism. My people will find somewhere to regroup across the lake. Then on to the city. If you find yourself in Baldur’s Gate, seek us out. We’ll raise a glass to Wulbren together.”

: Next time, we’ll find the forge, fight the guardian, and turn in those two quests back in the mushroom village.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3. Today, we’ll finish off the Underdark and kill a giant robot.

: The final part of the duergar base is beyond the door the rothe opened for us back at the end of last update.

: This leads us over the front of the base from the water.

: Up the stairs is a hallway that is strangely reminiscent of the Hallowed Sepulchre in Runescape. It’s full of traps.

: That’s a lot of obvious trigger plates.

: The plates are pretty easy to notice for the most part, so even if you’re on honor mode and everyone botches their perception roll you can still jump over them.

: If you trigger the traps, these things will turn into flamethrowers.

: This ladder is at the halfway point, and is as far as we need to go down the trap hallway to progress. If we keep going down..

: There’s a door at the end with a flamethrower gargoyle behind it.

: This idol is hidden away behind the gargoyle, and is the source of one of the most obscure dialog pieces in the game. If Shadowheart isn’t in the party, whoever picks it up will remark that she’d be interested in it.

: The obscure dialog plays if you are a cleric of Selune and are dating Shadowheart.

: Did you find the lever that disables all the traps?

: The what.

: There’s a lever behind the door that disables all the traps. You can have Astarion jump over all the pressure plates and unlock the door. You can see it in the picture, it’s behind Karlach.

: There’s a chest hanging off a ledge in the back that has one of the best pieces of caster equipment we’re going to get for a long time in it. This goes on Lyselle.

: Down the ladder, there’s a moving platform puzzle. The levers move the platform from one side to the other (the right one) and raise or lower it (the left one).

: Doing so allows access to a room on the other side.

: I could have had Karlach jump right here from the levers without moving the platform, but we need the whole party on board anyway.

: The longsword mould on the ground is one of the items we can use to make the forge work.

: It’s vendor trash. All the weapon moulds are trap options.

: If you keep heading down this way, you eventually reach the room where we killed all those duergar. The gnomes are still down there, and you can even see Nere’s headless body.

: If you can get up here, why not shoot the enemies from up here where they can’t reach you?

: Two reasons. First, you can’t hit shit from up here. Second, the enemies can hit you through the floor and some of them have arrows that will push you off the platforms.

: Once everyone’s loaded up, we can shoot the levers in the distance and move forward. The skeleton next to the levers has another mould but it’s a trash one.

: This leads us to the actual forge. There’s more moulds down here, and we want some of them.

: “Over there. Animated armor.”

: This is a weird bug. The animated armor is supposed to come alive when you go over there, but for some weird reason they’re active right now.

: They’re guarding one of the moulds we DO want - there are two armor moulds and they make one of the best armors in the game.

: These things aren’t worth a tactics segment. They have the situational awareness of a block of cheese.

: Everyone levels to 6, and now it is time to shuffle everyone’s builds a bit. Technically, I should wait until the start of Act 2 to do this, but we’ll be fine.

: Unfortunately, we can’t use the overpowered Astarion build I wanted because we’re not on Patch 8.

: Karlach gets a fighter bonus feat and goes up to 20 strength and 16 constitution.

: Pollux has the biggest change. We’re taking him out of the College of Swords and sending him to the College of Lore. This means he loses access to medium armor.

: Instead, he gets access to two spells off the good spell lists. This was nerfed SIGNIFICANTLY in 2024 5E, because College of Lore bards can’t take warlock spells anymore.

: This gives Pollux access to Eldritch Blast and Lightning Bolt. He now has a reason to use those spell slots of his.

: I have him turn in his hand crossbows to Astarion, and switch him to the bow we got off Greymon.

: Pollux becomes a ninja using the bootleg Minthara armor and the Boots of Speed, which he can wear now that the duergar are dead.

: I should mention that if you wear the boots near the sergeant (the one we pushed into the lava), she’ll demand them back and attack if you say no.

: Lyselle loses her second warlock level and becomes a 1 Warlock / 5 Sorcerer. She now has Fireball, and a high spell save DC to boot.

: In the same room, there’s a mithril vein hidden behind a wall. This one’s easy to get to.

: This gives us one of the two pieces of mithril ore that exist in the game.

: And here’s the forge. Before we go down, though..

: We want to grab this mould. It’s just off to the side of the staircase.

: There’s the last piece of ore. Unfortunately, this one is guarded and there’s not much we can do about it.

: As soon as we get near it, a bunch of magma mephits spawn. These are just like the mud mephits we fought near Ethel’s house, except more annoying.

: As far as I can tell, there’s no way to hit them, even with AOEs, because they’re unloaded until you get close.

: The mephits do nothing but spam Heat Metal on Karlach, forcing her to drop her weapon.

: Because they’re flying and can cast Heat Metal anywhere they can see, tactics go out the window. Karlach is going to take damage here.

: There’s our second piece of ore. Now it’s time to fight the guardian.

: Before going into the fight, go back through the duergar and pick up all of their weapons - especially the non-magic ones. Split them up between everyone.

: “Found the forge. And to think people say size doesn’t matter.”

: You don’t have to fill the forge to use it, but it’ll save a couple of minutes later if we fill it now.

: For villains, the people who designed this didn’t seem to have security in mind. Most of the time, they have secret levers everywhere and obnoxiously large panels full of buttons.

: Pulling the lever makes the hammer come down, and also lowers the platform down into the lava.

: This is going to be kind of a shameless Resident Evil bossfight.

: This wheel starts the boss fight. Like all the levers and buttons here, you can activate it by shooting it. If you really feel like cheesing the fight, you can shoot the forge lever and the wheel from up above.

: “S.T.A.R.S.”

: In making their robot nigh invincible, they had to skimp out on the intelligence bit. This fight is incredibly easy to cheese.

: Let’s take a look at the robot.

: If it’s not standing in the lava, the robot is immune to damage. If it is, it’s only resistant to most things. When it is, it’s vulnerable to bludgeoning damage.

: Bludgeoning damage happens to be the damage type weapons do if they’re thrown from height.. and most of the party is hundreds of feet above it.

: The robot has a passive that makes it go after the last person to hit it. The intended way to do this is to split the party up onto the four platforms and lure it onto the central platform to get hit by the hammer.

: If you choose to do the intended way, know that the robot has a stomp with a 40-foot area of effect.

: Instead, we’ll do this the smart way. You can hit O to switch to a “tactical camera” that allows you to teleport Astarion back up to the stairs.

: The robot has no ranged attack, meaning it will sit there impotently as you hurl junk weapons at it for tons of damage. That’s 30 damage on a miss.

: But that wouldn’t be funny enough. Let’s kick this up a notch.

: If you have Minor Illusion, you can use it to place a fake cat on the center platform. The robot will fall for this every time.

: Deal with the mephits, and then just keep luring the moron right into the hammer with illusions.

: “S.T.A.R.S.”

: “You want S.T.A.R.S.? I’ll give you stars!”

: Send it off to the scrapyard, it’s done.

: Grym drops one of the best helmets in the game. It makes you immune to crits. This goes on Karlach because no one else can use heavy armor.

: This also goes on Karlach, because she’s the only one who can use it.

: We then make the medium armor version, which Astarion COULD use except that it gives disadvantage on stealth checks. Pollux also could’ve used it but he can’t use medium armor anymore.

: There’s one last thing we can do here (not counting a couple of fights we’ll do on the way back), and that’s this side area that can only be reached by raising the forge back up.

: This leads to a lava pit with exactly one thing in it. Remember that amulet we found out about in the last update?

: To get it, we need to jump past the lava, which occasionally explodes due to this lava elemental. The elemental isn’t hostile.

: The amulet is meant for monks, and I’m only bothering with it because I want to show the quest off.

: “Thou hast come. Hee. Hee. Hee-HEE!!”

: The cutscene is a little broken - I think this is because I sent the amulet straight to Pollux instead of having Astarion do it.

: The mark on the amulet is the mark of Lathander, who is the Forgotten Realms equivalent of Apollo.

Narrator: The amulet is heavy, but holds a subtle warmth, like it was left under the sun. Suddenly, the metal surges with heat. You feel great power and an overwhelming urge - to laugh."

: “Ha! Can thou endure?”

: This guy really is just Roulxs Kaard, isn’t he?

1. Give in to the laughter.
2. What is happening? What are you doing to me?
3. Drop the amulet.
4. [WISDOM] Fight the urge.

Narrator: The laugh urge fades. A quiet power spreads from hand to hand, then down to your feet.

: “Thou has done well. For what is a laugh, if not one step toward madness? (Full line of laughing I’m not going to bother transcribing here) Thou art the one!”

: “Return me, take me home - and thou shalt glow with blessings!”

1. Return you where? To whom?
2. Are you a ghost? What happened to you?
3. I could barely hold my laughter. What did you do to me?
4. Equip the amulet.
5. Stow the amulet.
6. Discard the amulet.

: “Return you where? To whom?”

: “To my granddaughter, Shirra Clarwen. Serves Ilmater, she doth. She waits in Wyrm’s Crossing. Take me there, and thou shalt bathe in her golden gifts.”

: Wyrm’s Crossing is in the city, and won’t show up until Act 3.

: “Are you a ghost? What happened to you?”

: “A ghost? Ha HA! I am sunlight on water, dew on grass. Sharrans broke my body. But my spirit, they could not. Well - not completely. Hee HEE!”

: Throw his ass back in the lava.

: “I will take you to your granddaughter at Wyrm’s Crossing.”

: “I shall walk with thee. I shall grant you my power. He HEE.”

: One thing I missed is this rock wall - it’s at the end of the hallway with the stonemasons in it, right near the entrance to the catwalks.

: “That’s a Harper’s rune. Must be a cache nearby. Something tells me these Harpers wouldn’t leave their stash out in the open.”

: There are three treasure chests here, and then a small toy chest you can notice with perception.

: Oh! They put their treasure in a mimic nest. I recognize the typical mimic sleeping pattern.

: They must be real traditionalists to sleep like that. Even my grandparents have beds outside their boxes.

: This un-named mimic was done by splimen on discord years before this LP. I had ideas for a VN once that I will probably never write.

: The insides of a mimic chest are an extra-dimensional space, so it would be safer to just give the treasure to us.

[The first few inches of this scroll are written in formal, elaborate script.]

To the Emerald Enclave, and those deemed worthy to see this record, greetings from Those Who Harp. Know ye that the one known as Ketheric Thorm, paladin of Shar, is guilty of crimes against body and spirit. They include, but are not limited to Murder, Slavery, and Desecration of Temples Most Holy.

Let our intent be known: an alliance between the Harpers and the Emerald Enclave. United, we may end Thorm’s reign of terror. The High Harpers eagerly await your good word.

: What’s this doing all the way down here?

: Did you really need to attack them?

: Oh, these are the non-sentient kind of mimic.

: I had a box with fake teeth like those when I was a kid. Made of foam, of course. Mimics stopped using boxes with real teeth a long time ago - they’re too hard to climb out of.

: More importantly, they reduce the space available to load things into the cargo elevator. It’s hard enough getting furniture in and out as is.

: If you get a bad initiative roll, the mimics will use their forty-foot-long tongues to grab whoever’s left down there and kill them.

: The strategy here is to get everyone up the platform and out of sight, and then do hit-and-run attacks each turn.

: Sentient mimics have boxes equipped with suction cup feet to climb walls and stairs. Ladders are still a bit out of reach.

: The mimics don’t have much, except these gloves which allow you to do a bit of an exploit on Pollux that I THINK still works on Patch 7.

: If you equip them to a bard who already has run out of inspiration charges, they get an extra charge. You can refresh it infinitely by re-equipping the gloves.

: The final fight here can be found behind these doors we saw earlier.

: There’s a skeleton here with a key and a note that will tell you the other way of disarming the chest in the mimic pit - you can cast Light on it.

: For no particular reason, there’s a merregon and three hellboars hanging out in this locked room.

: What the fuck’s a merregon?

: They’re mindless demonic foot soldiers who don’t have faces. The only thing they leave behind when they die is their mask.

: Why would I want mindless foot soldiers? If I wanted those I’d go round up some oni and buy them drinks.

: The merregon isn’t particularly dangerous outside of melee.

: Our reward is a garbage hand crossbow and the merregon’s weapon. We might as well go and turn those quests in at the mushroom village since it’s the closest warp point to where the last fight in the underdark is.

: “The drow sought to shatter our Circle. Now his flesh may feed its growth. In dealing death, you have brought this Circle life. And thus we name you - Life-Chanter.”

: I vote for killing all of these things.

: How can you want to kill the slightly homicidal mushroom people?

: “As our Circle grows, so shall your song. Wherever you go, only listen - and you may hear it.”

: Our reward is a necklace that allows you to boost someone’s Persuasion skill by 2. There is no cooldown on this, and it is VERY useful for doing something funny in Act 2.

: Okay, you know what? I’m okay with killing them all.

: They use Nere’s head as fertilizer for mushrooms.

: “I greet you, child of the sun. How has your search for the mushrooms fared?”

: “I found those mushrooms you were looking for.”

: “These are fine specimens. It will only take me a moment to brew them to proper potency.”

Narrator: Omeluum turns away to prepare the potion, lost in its own musings.

: “You must drink the entire draught. I can make no promises as to its taste.”

Narrator: The potion is disgusting beyond description. The only mercy is that it goes down quickly.

: (This SUCKS!)

: “Not a drop left. Very good. As the potion influences your mind, you may find yourself acting irrationally. Try and stay focused.”

Narrator: The world loses its edges, its finer boundaries. You are fluid but trapped, like a creature suspended in amber.

1. [SAVING THROW] Draw on your willpower and resist.
2. [SAVING THROW] Focus on the present, not the illusions.
3. Stare into the swirling abyss.

: The first option is a wisdom save, the second is intelligence. I miss the old days when we just called it a will save.

: (The colors.. the colors..!)

Narrator: A few sparks and colors dance around Omeluum, but you stay steady and staring ahead. The tadpole spasms, seizes. It’s fighting the potion even harder than you are. Fear pierces your mind like knives of ice. The parasite digs deeper, as if it means to hollow out your skull.

1. [SAVING THROW] Drown out the tadpole by focusing on a tune.
2. [SAVING THROW] Resist the panic from within.
3. [SAVING THROW] Wall off your mind from the psionic seizure.
4. Let the terror take you.

: The first two options are wisdom even though the first sounds like it should be charisma. The third is intelligence.

Narrator: The cold blades lose their edge. You are stalwart, turning that tide of fear against itself. The parasite swells with power - more power than you have ever felt before."

: There’s an entire mechanic we haven’t unlocked because of our lack of long rests, and this quest unlocks something with that mechanic.

: What was meant to happen is that after you visit the goblin camp and get that cutscene where your party is saved by the artifact, the guardian you made visits you in a dream and tells you to eat mind flayer parasites for power.

: Because I can’t see Pollux voluntarily doing that, I have chosen not to use those powers.

: “Ah!”

Narrator: The parasite in your mind quiets, pleased with itself.

: “Omeluum! Are you well?”

: “That larva is like nothing I have ever observed before. Its power is.. unsettling.”

1. I felt it grow inside me. There’s more power than ever.
2. That potion of yours could have killed me. The tadpole almost did the same.
3. You were supposed to make it weaker, not stronger!

: “I felt it (my love for Halsin) grow inside me. There’s more (boyfriend) power than ever.”

: “Such an outcome was not in my calculations. There is more to this being than mere stasis.”

1. So I went through all this and the tadpole’s still lodged in my brain?
2. What’s next? Cutting off my own head?
3. I suppose it’s not all bad. More power is better than less.

: “I suppose it’s not all bad. More (boyfriend) power is better than less.”

: “Yet that power may grow beyond your control. I have another intermediate solution, if you are in need. I possess a Ring of Mind Shielding. It prevents elder brains from noticing my presence.”

: “It will not remove the larva, but it will limit its influence, both positive and negative. I would offer it as a gift, but in truth, the ring is priceless. Is there anything you could offer me in turn?”

: At this point, he’ll try to sell the ring to us. The ring is a scam. It was supposed to have more uses in the beta, but they stripped that out.

1. Why didn’t you mention the ring before this potion debacle?
2. I have gold. Will that suit?
3. No, I want this power. Keep your ring.
4. How about I tell you more about that nautiloid? Every last detail.
5. [PERSUASION] I wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for a mind flayer. You owe me.
6. [INTIMIDATION] Either give me the ring, or I’ll run you through.
7. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] Perform the tale of your adventures so far: “The Ballad of Brains, Brine Pools, and Balderdash”
8. Leave.

: Way back at the start of the game, there’s an illithid tablet that has the plans for the nautiloid on it. If you read that tablet, you can pick option 4.

: We get advantage because we read the plans.

: “What a brilliant experience. To feel one step closer to my ancestors is a fine gift indeed. Here. It is yours. May it serve you as well as it has served me.”

: Like I said, the ring’s useless. The only way it might be useful is if you didn’t fight the harpies on the beach yet.

: The real reward is this. Omeluum opens a shop and will sell a Pearl of Power for extremely cheap. This gives you a free spell slot of up to 3rd level. We want this for Pollux.

: Once we have it, we’re free to do the final encounter in the underdark.

: I showed off where this is a couple of updates ago, but never actually went down. It’s near the wall full of illusory shelf fungus.

: The only thing here are a bunch of kuo-toa, which are more or less the fishmen from The Shadow Over Innsmouth.

: “Our blood to fill your oceans, oh blessed BOOOAL! Our homes to build your temple in the deep!”

: I take it they’re not known for their intelligence.

: They’re idiots.

: I vote for killing them all.

Narrator: “A wave of pure devotion washes over you - and with every surge, you feel a presence grow in response.”

: “WORDS, PRIEST. PROMISES. YOUR GOD WANTS PROOF. WANTS BLOOD.”

: That’s a redcap covered in paint.

Narrator: These beings are kuo-toa, former mind flayer slaves that manifest their gods through sheer belief.

: “YOU! Our lord of murder demands sacrifice! You will be an offering for the great god BOOOAL!”

: “Boooal” is a bastardization of Bhaal, the god of murder in the Baldur’s Gate games.

1. “BOOOAL”? Bhaal is the god of murder.
2. I’m no one’s offering.
3. [INVESTIGATION] Get your bearings. What have you stumbled in on?
4. [ARCANA] Try to determine who - or what - they’re talking to.
5. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] YOU ARE LISTENING TO A FALSEHOOD. HE IS NOT YOUR REAL GOD.
6. Attack.

: We could exterminate them, but option 5 is probably the funniest way this can end and we get the full rewards regardless.

: “YOU ARE LISTENING TO A FALSEHOOD! HE IS NOT YOUR REAL GOD.”

: “Not.. real?”

Narrator: “You sense a flicker of doubt - brief, but enough. For an instant, the godly presence falters.”

: “NO! NO! Stop that!”

: Any time Boooal talks in all caps, the voiceactor has a filter.

1. [PERSUASION] He’s a fabrication. Whatever you created him for, you don’t need him.
2. [STRENGTH] Look at me. If there’s any god of death here, it’s me.
3. [INTELLIGENCE] Seriously - ‘BOOOAL’? Whatever this thing is, he didn’t feed you a good lie.
4. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] I AM BOOOAL, LORD OF MURDER, VISCOUNT OF VIOLENCE. THIS ONE LIES.

: “I AM BOOOAL! LORD OF MURDER! VISCOUNT OF VIOLENCE! THIS ONE LIES!”

: “ARGH! NO! SHUT IT! Shut your rotten mouth!”

Narrator: “You feel the presence waver - one moment a god of awesome power, the next… a common redcap.”

: “Ah. Bollocks. Don’t do anything hasty, now. The fishfolk got plenty of power - we can share.”

: “…Blessed Boooal… what?”

: “Shut it, you! I’m talking to.. My Chosen! Chosen got power - you want power, don’t ya?”

1. What kind of power?
2. I’ll just kill you and claim it for myself.
3. [To priest] Well? Bow before BOOOAL’s Chosen!
4. I don’t need your power - or theirs.
5. I won’t let you enslave them any longer.
6. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] LIAR! DESTROY THE PRETENDER GOD, MY CHOSEN!

: “LIAR! DESTROY THE PRETENDER GOD, MY CHOSEN!”

: As you can see, there is an entire fucking army of fishmen. Some of them only have 20 HP or so, but the ones standing around Boooal have 60+.

: Boooal can attack three times a round, but with this setup it doesn’t matter.

: 37.5 owlbears of experience for talking Boooal to death. If you choose any other dialog option, you fight Boooal and all the fishmen.

: “You’ve slain the pretender! We knew in our hearts the god BOOOAL was false. But you - we see you. We know you by your true name… MAKLOOMPAH!”

: This is like if Tingle founded a murder cult.

: “If they ask for a sacrifice, I’d suggest virgins. Young and hot-blooded.”

: “What is to be your first commandment, oh great god?”

1. A better name than ‘Mahkloompah’, for one.
2. Go out and build me an army.
3. No more blood rituals.
4. Just keep doing what you’re doing.
5. Perhaps you should study the teachings of my god.

: “No more blood rituals.”

: “…You test us, great one. There are other ways of showing devotion. Strangulation, perhaps. No matter - your glory will be sung, great Mahkloompah!”

: The rewards if you side with Boooal suck - you get a sickle that does extra damage to bleeding targets and can sacrifice party members for a shitty buff.

: If, on the other hand, you don’t feel like negotiating, killing these things is laughably simple.

: There are five ranged fish - two are on a rock outcropping to the left, and two are on this mushroom to the right. The last one is the priest in the middle.

: And if they don’t have range, we can hit them from safety!

: There are only two ways onto this outcropping. The quickest one is this ladder, which is destructible.

: The other is a narrow rock ledge that goes from the big mushroom on the other side to here. It’s easily blocked off with a couple of chests the fish have lying around.

: They’re not going to risk damaging those golden treasure chests. Those are valuable mimic real estate.

: The redcap has a hidden mechanic where he’ll jump up if he can’t find another path, but as long as everyone stays on the rock outcropping, his AI won’t figure out that he can make the jump.

: If you were to put someone on the mushrooms next to Lyselle, he would jump right up.

: A few turns of being pelted with crossbows and cantrips later, and everyone is dead. Free sushi!

: If you go through the dialog first, you can focus down Boooal (keep everyone on the rock outcropping and have the person who initiates the cutscene jump up) and the kuo-tua will surrender.

: Next time, we’ll exterminate the gith and make our way to Act 2 knowing that nothing in Act 1 is still standing.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3!

: So many gith are going to die today.

: Before we go gith hunting, there’s one last minor thing I forgot to do - the toll house basement. We need the key for that, and it’s in a bush near the toll house, at the bottom of the big ladder.

: The door in the basement is one of the only doors that cannot be lockpicked.

: There are a lot of gas vents down here, which are all triggered by a single pressure plate later on. We can ignore them. The chests have small amounts of gold and jewels in them.

: Past the first gate is a room without much in it except more traps and some gold.

: The trick is putting some kind of weight on these two chairs, which have pressure plates on the seats.

: For our troubles, we get a now-obsolete Greataxe +1 and some useless gloves.

: Now it’s time to go gith hunting. There are two routes we can take: the first is having Lae’zel in the party, and the second is not having Lae’zel.

: As we approach, a dragon flies overhead. We now have the choice of taking Lae’zel or leaving her. If you want to talk your way past, take Lae’zel.

: There is a tiefling hiding here we can talk to.

: This, by the way, is what a lore-accurate tiefling looks like.

: “What are you doing?! Hold up, before they see you, mragreshem!”

1. What’s the matter?
2. And who are you exactly?
3. I might’ve been concerned, had I the slightest idea who ‘they’ are…
4. Whatever you just called me, I don’t like the sound of it. Watch your tongue.
5. Leave.

: “What’s the matter?”

: “What? Apart from the dragon? Look…”

: “That lot are swarming all over the bridge. I don’t know what they want, but it can’t be good. I’m going to find another way around. You should do the same.. unless you’re looking for a fight, that is.”

: She leaves, and there’s another cutscene.

Gauntlet Dion: “Drop your weapons!”

: The Dion Gauntlet sounds like a fan challenge for Titanic where you try to make it all the way through without crying.

: The cutscenes here kind of break a little if you never go down to ground level. The entire party is still up on the fortification.

Sarth Baretha: “I’ll feed your innards to the ants before I do that, istik.”

Gauntlet Dion: “This is y-your last chance!”

Sarth Baretha: “No, look up. That was your last chance, istik. Now burn!”

: The real Demon’s Souls starts here.

: “Stop wasting time, Baretha. You’re not here to play with the locals.”

Sarth Baretha: “Of course, kith’rak. We merely sought to -”

: “No excuses. Question, kill, then move on. Find the weapon. Our queen watches us. Fail her at your peril.”

: I’m gonna enjoy killing him. Smug prick.

: “A red dragon. I envy its knight - would that I rode such a steed. A creche must be near. Come - my kin await.”

1. The dragon incinerated those soldiers - surely this isn’t safe?
2. And we’ll just pat the dragon on the head, I suppose?
3. Let’s go.
4. Leave.

: “Yes, and I’m sure he’s not going to turn the dragon on you and then on the rest of us. Lyselle, Astarion, start putting up the explosives.”

: “The dragons serve githyanki. I’ll see it does you no harm. Follow me. We are close to the cure we seek.”

: If you have Lae’zel in your party (or you never recruited her in the first place) she’ll leave the party and run up to Voss on her own.

: Naturally, this puts you at a disadvantage if you decide to kill them all instead, or if you fail the speech checks.

: “Rider - my time is short. Lead me to..”

: “Sh-sh-shhh. Such a familiar tone. Were I not merciful, I would slice the skin clean from your meat. Yet you are not bleeding. For I am nothing if not merciful. Your name, child.”

1. Nod to Lae’zel. Go ahead.
2. I will be speaking on her behalf, gith.

: “Go ahead.”

: “…Lae’zel.”

: “Lae’zel. Proud. Regal, even. You will call me Jhe’stil Kithrak.”

: “Voss, Knight Supreme. The queen’s silver, the queen’s sword.”

: Voss is.. I don’t particularly like his writing. They write him like a villain, but he’s not meant to be a villain. He is also a Drizzt.

: “Voss. I am who you say. A ghaik vessel has fallen from the sky, Lae’zel. Thieves aboard have taken a weapon most precious. It is polyhedric in shape and inscribed with the sacred runes of our people.”

Narrator: You suddenly feel a strange anxiety take hold - not your own, but that of the artefact you carry. Somehow, it’s afraid… you attune your mind to it. The artefact does not want to part from you. It does not want to fall into the gith raiders’ hands.

: “Take word to your creche. You are to join our search. Speak up, child. Affirm your mandate.”

1. Mouth a silent command to Lae’zel: ‘truth’.
2. [PERSUASION] Mouth a silent command to Lae’zel: ‘play along’.
3. Produce the odd artefact. “You’re looking for this, I take it?”
4. I have my own mandate. Time to die, gith.

: “You honor me with this duty, Kith’rak. I shall alert my caretaker with haste.”

Narrator: The Kith’rak nods, content with Lae’zel’s answer.

: “You serve your queen well, child. Take your slaves, and hunt those who escaped the ghaik ship. They must carry the weapon.”

: “I fly now to Vlaakith, our Undying Queen. She will see your faith rewarded in this plane and ours.”

Narrator: A current of deception carries Voss’s words. Wherever he flies, it is not to Vlaakith.

: And that’s it? We’re just going to let the villains get away?

: “Dammit all! You did well to intervene, vexed as I am to admit it. The Jhe’stil Kithrak would have flayed our skin and left our carcasses to burn in the sun.”

: About the only clue we have to Voss not being a villain is the fact that he fucks off the second you initiate combat, as was shown in the optional update with the sword glitch.

: “The creche is near, this much we know. We follow the path forward and into the valley. No one, not even the ignoble Jhe’stil Kithrak, will keep me from my purification.”

: Nah, fuck that. They’re all going to die. First, ditch Lae’zel.

: The gith have a hefty amount of fanfiction on their side. We’re not getting through this one without blowing some cooldowns - but since we get a forced long rest immediately afterward, that’s fine.

: First, we toss a grenade on them. There’s a spare one in a hidden chest nearby, if you need one.

: Barricading won’t help because the gith can all teleport, but they’re not going to get the chance to.

: From there, Lyselle casts a quickened Fireball.

: The gith will, of course, fanfiction their way out of it… unless Pollux steps in and reduces their saves.

: A second fireball later and they’re all dead before they’ve even gotten the chance to react.

: The bullshit part is that the gith have the ability to do insane amounts of damage: the melee gith in particular can kill anyone but Karlach in one turn. They also get a “githyanki parry” that reduces all incoming damage by 10 unless they’re disarmed.

: The reason we want to kill them (apart from that they’re fanfiction) is that you miss out on a lot of loot if you don’t. This sword in particular is really good for Lae’zel.

: If you don’t talk to the gith at all, one of them will have a slate that can be deciphered to give you all the same information.

: This is the other entrance to the mountain pass - we saw the first one near the goblin camp in that update where I killed Raphael early.

: We’re all done with everything else in Act 1, so we can progress. The game will give us the same cutscenes (the one that introduces Mizora and the Raphael cutscene) as before.

: If you try to sleep without talking to Raphael, the game forces you to do so… unless you were to use that glitch to kill him.

: Unlike the long rest at the tiefling party, this one actually IS free because the game forced it on us. I believe it will also do this if we were to take the elevator in the duergar camp.

: The reason it does this is because the game expects that we’ve seen three cutscenes by this point: the Wyll/Mizora scene, the Raphael scene, and one other we’re about to see.

: Because we only long rested once, the game doesn’t know what to do and forces a long rest. This is used in the Any% speedrun of the game.

: The Any% run uses a bug to launch a dead party member (usually Shadowheart) from the beach to the mountain pass, which triggers the forced long rest and warps you to the mountain pass.

: I have tried the glitch but I can’t get it to work right.

: “I came just in time. You are transforming.”

: It’s Miku!

: Mik-who?

: She’s a famous singer, and she invented Minecraft.

: What the hell’s a Minecraft?

1. I know your voice. I’ve heard it before.
2. Who the hells are you?
3. Back off. I have enough crawling around in my head already.

: “I know your voice. I’ve heard it before.”

: “Yes, you have. I saved you before.”

: This area that Pollux is in right now is where the “river” in the title song comes from. You never see it in the game because the devs scrapped a lot of it when they re-wrote the dream visitor.

: “And I’m here to save you again. Don’t worry. You will not become a mind flayer. Not while I’m around. I’ll protect you.”

1. Take the hand offered to you.
2. Get up on your own.
3. Recoil from any help.

: (I know what this is. This is the parasite.. isn’t it?)

: “Independent. Good.”

: “We haven’t much time, so listen closely. There is great potential within you. It comes from that parasite. Your instinct is to resist the power it gives, but you must accept it, nurture it.”

: “I will keep it from consuming you. But for the sake of both of us, you must learn to wield it.”

: (I have a giant skull fortress in my head? What if.. what if Halsin and I made out in the giant skull fort?)

: “A fight for the fate of Faerun. A fight we are losing. For now. You can change that, but only if you embrace your potential.”

: Unsurprisingly, this starts a quest called “Embrace Your Potential” and allows you to start eating mind flayer parasites for powers. Pollux will not be doing that.

: I didn’t on my first run either, but that’s because I have a thing for characters in settings like Shadowrun who refuse to use cyberware.

: “I have to go. The enemy is closing in. I will be back.”

: “Wake now. You’ll feel better - I promise.”

: Unfortunately, this costs us the buff from the mushrooms right before one of the harder fights of Act 1. We’re probably going to need to temporarily respec Pollux for it.

: Welcome to the Rosymorn Monastery Trail. It’s considered a different zone than the rest of Act 1.

: “Looks like Lathander, god of the dawning sun.”

: Up ahead is a fight that can best be described as 100% fanfiction. There are two of these big skeletons, which are not in any version of D&D. They are a fanfiction monster.

: Let me tell you why this fight sucks. The starting fight is against two of these skeletons, a ghast, and three ghouls.

: The skeletons start out with 20 temporary HP, and when they have that bonus HP they take half damage from all sources except radiant. This means that Shadowheart is the only person capable of hurting them.

: What’s not shown on the skeleton’s examine page is that they can summon a new ghoul every turn and also revive each other as a bonus action.

: I don’t know what WoW raid mechanics are doing in a D&D game, but they have no place here. If a real DM tried this shit, I’d leave the table.

: The game expects this to be a big, resource-intensive fight. The best way to do it is to respec everyone into a cleric, but that’d take forever.

: To save time, we’ll just use the custom companion mod to make a couple of clerics to take the party’s place.

: Meet Private Beef. Private Beef is a half-orc cleric who has dumbass Final Fantasy hair because it’s funny.

: Using the mod, we can level up Private Beef and then clone him three times to save time leveling four characters up. If only raising an army was really this easy.

: For those wondering if you could do this in the unmodded game, the answer is actually yes: you can have a maximum of three hireling characters, and you could respec them to be clerics. You’d just use Shadowheart and three hirelings instead of four Beefs.

: The ghast has a constant stench cloud that will prevent anyone who isn’t undead from doing anything. Fortunately, that won’t matter.

: Beef #1 uses Spirit Guardians and stands in the path, forcing the enemies to go through the spirit guardians. This nearly wipes the four ghouls.

: Beefs 2 and 3 also use spirit guardians, while Beef 4 uses a radiant nuke unique to light domain clerics.

: The three spirit guardians act like a chainsaw and mow down the weaker enemies.

: Light domain clerics also get an infinite use ability that allows them to force attackers to roll twice and take the lower roll.

: A couple of turns later and everything is dead.

: At the end of combat, Pollux sends the Beefs back to the Beef Dimension.

: There’s a dead cultist here with some expensive armor we can sell, and a note.

Duke Ravengard is to be delivered - unharmed, or mostly so - immediately. Moonrise Towers cannot fulfill its destiny until the Duke has been delivered. Those who succeed will be rewarded. Those who fail will face first my wrath, then Gortash’s, then mine again.

General Ketheric Thorm

: This trail is littered with repulsion mines. They don’t do damage, but knock people back pretty far. They’re here mostly to show you they exist - we’ll see them used in an actual trap later.

: We could have reached Lady Esther without fighting the skeletons, and she has some things we want to steal.

: Esther carries a lot of monk gear, but this piece in particular is useful for Astarion, as it will boost his dexterity to 20.

: She also has these, which are meant to pair with the staff we put together in the underdark. If Ray of Frost hit twice like Eldritch Blast does, these would actually be good.

: Before we talk to her, we’re going to put Lae’zel back in the party since I took her out for the extermination run.

: “A friendly face. Oh you are a sweet, sweet blesing, my dear. You know, I’ve had nothing but trouble all day. I’ve been accosted, chased, insulted.”

: Didn’t we kill you two days ago, depending on whether last night is canon or not?

: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

: The teahouse? The one in the middle of the poison swamp? I hit you with that odd magic staff and your head exploded? I still have part of your scalp if you’d care to look.

: You can never be too careful. Maybe we should kill her - you know, just to be sure.

: She’s not Ethel. They don’t even have the same voiceactress.

: Plus, hags are allergic to cliffs.

: “Look over there. Do you see that wretched little hive?”

1. It looks like a temple?
2. Uh… sure.
3. Lady, I’m busy. What do you want?

: “It looks like a temple.”

: “Oh, it certainly looks that way, but inside it is swarming with brutish, stupid, rude githyanki.”

: “Brutish and rude by your wretched standards, but stupid? K’chakhi.”

: “Your charming companion would call it a creche. But it was built on what remained after the githyanki slaughtered all of the monks. I’d call it a murderous training camp.”

: “Acutely observed on both counts.”

: “Honestly, I was doing them a favor, offering to buy one of their eggs. And how am I repaid? Attacked and run off like some transient.”

1. You tried to buy one of their children?
2. Why would you want one of their eggs?
3. And? How much did you offer?

: “You tried to buy one of their children?”

: “What? No, of course not! I was merely - well… look, it 's just an egg. The Society of Brilliance asked me to acquire one of their roe so they can incubate it and, once it hatches, raise the spawn in their tradition.”

: “Please, do enlighten me. What is this ‘tradition’?”

: “The Society believes a githyanki raised in a peaceful, nurturing environment can overcome its violent nature. I’m sure your friend would agree. A githyanki is as likely to foresake its violent nature as a gnome is to fly.”

1. Violence is taught, not inherited. You don’t need to steal a child to know that.
2. Some things are in our blood - only a fool would deny that.
3. Well, you failed to get the egg, so I guess we’ll never know.

: “Violence is taught, not inherited. You don’t need to steal a child to know that.”

: “You’ve been drinking from the same goblet as the Society. Perhaps you’d be willing to help, then? To prove your point. They may have chased me away, but surely the gith would welcome a person with such sympathetic views to their creche. And once inside, you could simply.. purloin an egg.”

: “Steal one of gith’s own? I will slit your throat for even suggesting it.”

: “I am not talking to you. You’ll be well compensated, of course. Just bring me an egg.”

1. Produce the owlbear egg.
2. Sounds good - I’m in.
3. Do you have any equipment worth trading?
4. [PERSUASION] Fine, but I want payment. Up front.
5. My friend is right: what you suggest is revolting and you need to die.
6. I’m not getting involved in this.

: (I wouldn’t even trust this crazy bitch with the owlbear egg, assuming she’s not Ethel in disguise. Let’s see if I can trick her into revealing herself.)

: “I have the egg right here.”

: “Oh, you wonder - hold on. It looks different to what I expected. Are you sure that’s a gith egg?”

1. No, it’s an owlbear’s. I just like it.
2. [NATURE] The curves, the coloration, the size - looks right to me.
3. [DECEPTION] No, but this owlbear egg is worth much more. And it can all be yours.
4. [PERSUASION] Of course not. It’s from an owlbear. But I bet your employers won’t know the difference.

: (Huh, I figured she’d start screaming about children and attack.)

: “No, it’s an owlbear’s. I just like it.”

: Pollux has an egg hyperfixation.

: We’re not giving the egg to Esther. If you do find the egg and give it to her, you get a boss fight in Act 3 and one of the best scenes in the game becomes weaker as a result.

: There’s something else we can do with the egg that is the reason I’m not using Lae’zel this playthrough, because it’s really fucking buggy.

: Directly across from Esther is a cable car station. This is our way into the creche, and you can do this without ever fighting the skeletons.

: Alternatively, we could skip the creche altogether since we killed the skeletons. This would bring us directly into Act 2. We’re going to go down there for a cutscene, but we need Gale.

: There’s a “weary traveler” here who is level 20. This is Elminster - he’s D&D’s equivalent of the Harlequin, which is to say that he’s an unkillable plot device and a Mega-Drizzt. He is (effectively) the Chosen of Mystra.

: My understanding of it is that he’s a pet character for one of the original writers of 1E, and stuck around ever since. When I played 3E they gave him stats and I remember people making epic-level builds specifically to kill him.

: “Ho there, wanderer. Stay thy course a moment to indulge an old man.”

: This line is a callback to the first Baldur’s Gate.

: “Elminster?”

: “The very same, Gale. And a fair bit miffed he is, too, finding himself forced to expose his best pair of boots to so many miles of country road on your behalf.”

: Some wizard he is.

1. [BARD] My, not every day one meets the hero of countless ballads in the flesh.
2. I think some proper introductions are in order.
3. Many miles, you say. Where do you hail from?
4. Hit that country road, old man. I’m not interested in the junk you sell or the junk you tell.

: “My, not every day one meets the hero of countless ballads in the flesh.”

: “I know a minstrel by trade when I see one! Tell me, what ballad bold enough to lift me unto the pedestal of acclaim enjoys your musical predilection?”

: “Across the peaks of Icewind Dale / strode fast the Sage of Shadowdale.”

: “Is that so? The lyrics are by Volo, you know, whose name alone is sufficient enough a criterion to arbitrate its acclaim to truth.”

: I didn’t know this until just now, but Volo is apparently a recurring character going back to 2E who has inexplicably lived for like 300 years despite being human.

: Volo is also in the first two games.

: “Two weeks I had to endure a frozen beard and wicked frostbites, yet he makes it sound like a dalliance through the Dales.”

: “Yes, yes, yes, be that as it may, you said you came all this way on my behalf, did you not? For what purpose?”

: “I was bid to spare neither time nor my own self to find you. She sent me, Gale. You know of whom I speak.”

: “But why? Out with it, Elminster! Please!”

: “Young man, has your sojourn away from Waterdeep washed away your decorum as well as your patience?”

: “Nigh a tenday I’ve gone without honest fare worthy of the name - drank naught but what the sky entitled my thirst.”

: Pfft. I can summon high-end sushi with the snap of a finger.

: It’s a reference to the fact that only clerics and bards have access to spells that summon food.

: “Why, some bread, cheese, and a cup of wine would appear unto me a feast! Surely you won’t begrudge me a mite of rest and repast before I get ‘out with it’?”

1. Yes, Gale. Where is your decorum?
2. I suppose we could part with a few of our rations.
3. I’m not in the habit of taking in vagabonds.

: “I suppose we could part with a few of our rations, even though quite honestly if an adventure needs an unkillable plot device it probably sucked in the first place.”

: “And a great kindness that would be! See, Gale? Even in these barren parts, the art of hospitality begets inspired new works if one only keeps up the practice.”

: “Oh, for the love of..”

: “This way, then, to your camp? Don’t dawdle now, lad. You’re the one who’s in such a frightful hurry.”

: “Nigh on thirteen centuries old and he still thinks with his stomach. We’d best follow, and see if he’s more disposed to speak plainly once it’s stopped its grumbling.”

: We get the choice to long rest right away or not. Because we had Private Beef and his three identical clones to wipe the skeletons, we’re good to keep going.

: Lae’zel glitches off the cable car, which cuts off this conversation where Karlach wants to have a picnic.

: Near the cable car station on the bottom is a shrine covered in offerings, which we can take. They won’t miss them.

: Down the path is another warp point. At this time, it is highly recommended that you temporarily remove all spellcasters from the party.

: Up ahead is an extremely annoying encounter that’s meant to be an ambush. We’re going to ambush them instead.

: This barricade is walling off a nest of evil little bastards who will ambush you if you enter their room from inside the monastery.

: That pile of books on the right is a gremishka nest. They’re evil cat-shaped monstrosities that eat magic and hate spellcasters. They’re in the wrong setting.

: Gremishkas are native to Ravenloft, an alternate setting meant for horror-themed games. Ravenloft takes place in a series of pocket dimensions made by Shar.

: If they’re hit with magic, they’ll release an “unstable effect” at the end of their next turn. This includes anything from turning into a panther (more than doubling their HP) to exploding.

: The explosions can create more of them, and can set off the other cats.

: Because we came through this way, most of them have to dash to get to Karlach. This gives her an opportunity to jump back across the gap.

: As long as no one uses magic, the gremishkas will go down easily.

: If you approach the nest from this side, one of them will run up to the roof and jump off.

: So much for always falling on their feet.

: A couple turns later and they’re all dead. More importantly, we have a way in.

: There are a couple of locked gates Astarion can open without even trying, as well as two wine barrels.

[A dust-covered tome of complaints to the Dawnmaster.]

Who allowed a pilgrim to pay for wine with a cat? And what sort of cat even is it?! One of my novices told me they saw it grow to the size of a humongous hound. That was moments before it attacked. The poor novice didn’t stop trembling for a tenday. Please, I beg of you, can we just accept gold for goods like ordinary folk? And for gods’ sakes, call on someone to get rid of that nasty animal!

: The corner has a recipe for a potion of animal speaking - but as far as I know, you can get that recipe automatically by having the ingredients for it.

: If we look underneath this room, we can see the wine cellar. It’s full of kobolds. This is something to keep in mind for a bit later.

: Ugh. Kobolds. They’re the worst.

: Kobolds are small bipedal lizard-men who worship dragons with the hope of becoming one.

: They’re like unfixed cats. They come up to you and just start humping, and it only gets worse if you throw them off.

: And this is why they’re all going to die.

: I don’t necessarily want them dead, I just want them and their “hey mommy u wan sum fuk?!” away from me.

: The gremishka room has a locked door that leads to a partially collapsed tower. We need to stack some boxes for Pollux, but everyone can make it up pretty easily.

: We’re now on the roof. There’s a dead gith here with some lore.

[This stone disc has githyanki runes carved into it. Below them is drawn a translation into the common tongue.]

Location - good. Close to road, but secluded. Building looks well-fortified. Defence - minimal - seems to be a religious building. Space - ample, underground, hidden. Was easy enough to sneak in without being observed. Prime spot for a creche. Suggest immediate occupation. - M’lar Rih’al.

: On the roof are two giant eagles and what appears to be a magic cannon of some kind. This cannon is tied to a quest we can only finish once we go into the gith creche.

Ancient Giant Eagle: “INTRUDER! In MY NEST! This area was meant to be SAFE! Xavier, get behind mummy.”

1. [PERSUASION] I’m just interested in the big device. I promise not to meddle with the nest.
2. Attack.
3. Back away slowly.

: “I’m just interested in the big device. I promise not to meddle with the rest.”

Ancient Giant Eagle: “Ugh, fine. Xavier! XAVIER! Don’t talk to it. It might have germs.”

: The real reason we came up here is to get this warhammer, which is used for a puzzle. You can mage hand it away, but we’re just going to kill the eagles since there’s a quest to do so.

: How difficult the eagles are is almost entirely dependent on RNG. They have a “gust” attack that does no damage and knocks people back and/or prone, and they also have a multiattack.

: If the mother eagle is allowed to live for more than one turn, she calls for help and three more eagles show up.

: Past the eagles is a spot where you can jump down for a helmet and a healing potion. You need feather fall to not take damage, but I had Astarion do it for 1 HP.

: Down the root ladder is a room we can enter one of two ways: either smashing through this wall or picking a lock.

: Inside is a Guardian of Faith - this is a 4th level spell that any cleric can get. It’s melee-only and also guarding a puzzle item.

: Attacking it from range kills it easily.

: On the same level as the guardian of faith is another barricade. This is how we’re going to get to those kobolds we saw earlier.

: The game expects you to encounter the kobold room from the other side, and then use this entrance to jump up to the roof.

: They’re so drunk that they’ll explode if hit by fire, which is definitely someone’s out of control fetish.

: Most of them are standing next to wine barrels, but these are a trap. Real wine barrels have but a single hit point.

: They’re extremely easy to kill, and since we’re coming from this side they can’t put up barriers by lighting the wine on fire

: All they can do is dash forward one by one and die.

: One of the kobolds will have a ceremonial mace on it, which is the last piece we need to solve a puzzle.

: The fake wine barrels will make noise if we get near them, and it’s pretty obvious what’s inside. We can pick these up and send them to camp all the same.

: The puzzle is across a jump from one of the exits of the gremishka room.

: There are four pedestals, one of which has a glowing longsword on it, and a stained glass circle in the floor we can examine.

Narrator: The monastery’s notable keepers adorn these intricate panels. Lathanderian monasteries of this size were usually overseen by Dawnmasters, esteemed members of the clergy.

1. Examine the image marked 'Dawnmaster Seed".
2. Look at the picture of ‘Dawnmaster Stockhold’ in the glass.
3. Inspect the broken stained glass window.
4. Take a look at ‘Dawnmaster Welkinglory’.
5. Leave.

: We can see that Seed had a warhammer, and we’ve got one of those. We know what goes on his pedestal.

: Stockhold doesn’t have a weapon, but we can find out which one is his.

: If you climb down the front of the monastery, you can find Stockhold’s grave with a note inside:

Behold Dawnmaster Stockhold, buried with a ceremonial mace, in honor of the many humble maces he wielded in his lifetime as he purged the evil from this land.

: It’s right near this door, which is the back entrance into the gith creche. We’ll see where that goes when we go in the front route.

: From there, it’s a matter of putting the ceremonial weapons onto the right slabs.

: Doing the puzzle gets the whole party (including people in camp) a buff that adds 1d4 radiant damage to weapon attacks. This would be useful against the skeletons.

: This gets us an item with no apparent use. It’s actually a key we need to get a very powerful item.

To the next Dawnmaster,

I don’t think we’re going to make it, but The Blood is secure. We closed it off with magic. Only one of our own can take it. If anyone else tries, the walls will fall and they won’t get out of here alive. Should that happen, pray for Rosymorn Monastery, but do not mourn - it’s for the best. In death, new life, always.

: Our next destination is the creche. We could take the side door, but because we’ve spent enough time upstairs, the gith patrolling the main entrance are gone.

: There’s a different scene if you rush straight to the creche, which I’ll show off later. The little shrine at the bottom of the stairs talks about “firing the Lance” when you walk by.

: At the bottom of those stairs is another barricade. This one leads to the creche.

: Once we enter the main hall, Miku starts talking via big text on the bottom of the screen.

: “Your curiosity is getting the better of you - do not let it. Stay away from the githyanki. They’re hunting you. They want the artefact. They’ll stop at nothing to take it from you.”

: Reading the plaque on the statue gets us 1.5 owlbears of EXP.

: Experience inflation is crushing the value of the owlbear.

: We can also open the main doors from the inside using a lever. The main doors can’t be lockpicked and are virtually immune to damage.

: The dead cultist is part of a cutscene we didn’t see. If we had gone this way first, we would have fought some gith and the doors would be open.

: The main entrance to the creche is under the statue. If you have Lae’zel in the party, this is the door you want to take.

: By skipping the gith patrol, we get 120 EXP out of the 150 we would have gotten if we fought them. The two gith in the patrol are still alive, and I think we can kill them for more EXP.

: I recognize that hallway! That’s the hallway from the goblin camp!

: It sure is.

: Does that mean we can give them the beatdown the same way?

: Oh, definitely.

: “Sentries, to arms! Istik. State your purpose. Quickly.”

: “Stand down, gish. Is it not Vlaakith’s command to welcome her faithful?”

: “I expected no visitors, faithful or otherwise. Why have you come?”

1. Allow Lae’zel to answer.
2. I was infected by an illithid, and was told to seek a githyanki creche.
3. [INTIMIDATION] Let me pass. Fighting me will end badly for you.
4. [PERSUASION] You githyanki hate illithid. I have proof that they’re invading. We need your help.
5. Attack.

: “We seek the zaith’isk. Show me the way.”

: “You are infected? A ghaik thrall is something to eradicate, not reason with.”

: “The faithful may be purified. This is Vlaakith’s protocol!”

: “Chk. Fine - let the ghustil carry out your fate. Report to the infirmary at once. And step carefully. Creche Y’llek watches you.”

: An elevated platform with one way up. When are clerics ever going to learn?

: Destroy the ladder and rain down on them from range.

: One of them is a caster, and she can violate the rules by concentrating on two effects at once.

: And she’s only doing it because she forgot her ranged weapon at home, isn’t she? The bad guys never learn anything.

: One thing to watch out for is the pathfinding AI bugging out and running underneath you. If this happens, you may need to have someone jump on to the stairs, which is how we get down without taking fall damage.

: The creche is pretty well-designed in that getting into a fight in one zone won’t usually aggro the other gith. We also get this ring, which I honestly forgot existed.

: Arcane Synergy lets you use your casting stat in place of dexterity or strength when using a weapon.

: Ellyka’s body is here. There’s no way to save her.

: The next room is where we would come in if we had used the side door. There are a bunch of gith in here, and if we start attacking there’s a pretty good chance it’ll spill out.

: It won’t aggro the entire creche, but it’s an annoying enough fight that we don’t want to bother… yet.

: Oh, we’re bothering all right. None of the gith in this room have anything important to say… except one.

: This one’s a trader, and has an item that will turn Astarion into an unstoppable killing machine.

: This is the best shortsword in the game, bar none. It is part of a series of items that reduce the “critical threshold”, the number you need to roll to crit.

: It also gives advantage when attacking targets who aren’t in direct light, and this applies to all of your weapons.

: We start up on the top level, where two lower-level gith are sitting. If you initiate with a non-throwing attack, you can surprise them. This won’t aggro the ones down below as long as you’re standing over here.

: Both gith die before they get a turn.

: There is a TON of loot here, comprised mostly of gith armor and gith swords. There’s so much I have to make a trip to the mushroom colony to sell.

: After putting all of the trader’s items into a container, it’s time to exterminate the gith on the lower level.

: With a surprise round, taking them all out is no problem. All the loot is now ours, and everyone hits 7th level.

: The trader has a ton of potions, as well as that shortsword, and..

: Two pairs of gloves. Note the ones Pollux is wearing: she carries those as well. They set his dexterity to 18. She’s also carrying two hand crossbows, so those go on Pollux as well.

: With Arcane Synergy, Pollux is now almost as good with hand crossbows as Astarion.. once he casts an eldritch blast, that is.

: The guards in the hallway outside patrol one by one, and have an unfortunate accident involving multiple stab wounds to the back.

: The hallway that goes to the infirmary has this painting at the end, where the path splits. It has a unique interaction.

Narrator: This imposing portrait depicts a powerful githyanki warrior, undeniably regal in her mien.

: “Vlaakith herself. She is both the sun that blinds us and the void that contains us. Praise be.”

Narrator: In the corner of the painting is a small symbol you can’t quite place.

1. Study the subject’s features.
2. [HISTORY] Inspect the symbol more closely.
3. [DEXTERITY] Draw a new face onto the portrait.
4. Leave.

: That’s the comet from the book in the wizard tower, isn’t it?

Narrator: You take a moment to appreciate your masterpiece. She certainly looks a little less regal now.

: “A wretched display. I thought you better than such juvenile antics.”

: Oh look, a student come to clean the portrait.

: They already have to clean the paint off the painting, and now they’re going to have to clean paint and blood.

: I"m surprised Astra isn’t up in arms about that.

: The gith all turn hostile once you complete the objective here, that’s why. Mara’s just clearing them out ahead of time.

: The infirmary is to the left of the painting. You’re intended to do this part first and not go around killing all the gith until after.

: The infirmary has two gith kids (who are unkillable) pushing a box around with mage hands.

: There’s never been a better time to install the killable children mod.

: “Not now, k’chakhi! We’re busy.”

1. What’s in the chest? It’s making an awful noise.
2. You should stop doing that. It’s not nice.
3. Looks like fun - can I play?
4. Leave.

: “What in the fuck is wrong with your neck? Actually, don’t answer that.”

: “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

1. Whatever it is, I think you should stop. It’s clearly not having a good time.
2. Looks like fun - can I play?
3. Leave.

: “I’ll find out after I kill everyone in this room, you little shit. Hope you enjoy being an orphan.”

: The gith lay eggs and abandon their children at birth. Technically, they’re all orphans.

: “We’re all orphans.”

: The gith who actually pose a threat are in this back room. The archer (top-left corner) is by far the most dangerous.

: That porn moustache will look great on his severed head.

: Our reward is a unique (but shitty) ring. Cantrips suck on anyone who isn’t a caster, and anyone in a position to actually use this wouldn’t want to sacrifice an attack for it.

: Pollux could use it, but he doesn’t have a cantrip that does any of those types of damage unless we re-spec and drop eldritch blast.

: The box has a gremishka in it, which dies before it hits the ground.

: Finally, the back room has the “purification device” we’ve been looking for. We can kill the gith in here and use it just fine, but let’s just let this play out.

: “Vertical incision from pineal eye to end of notochord. Intestinal colouration consistent with samples 231 to 259.”

: “If you require treatment, take a seat, kin. Or do you have a question?”

1. I am Lae’zel of K’liir. I have come to be purified.
2. What do you hope to gain from dissecting the ghaik spawn?
3. Is that machine a zaith’isk? Is it operational?
4. Is that thing’s host still alive?
5. I have a tadpole of my own. Can you help with that?
6. Leave.

: “I am Lae’zel of K’liir. I have come to be purified.”

: “Cursed is the day that even we become ghaik incubators. Tell me, how long have you been infected?”

: “Three days. And with none of the symptoms.”

: “Fascinating. So you’re conscious of your infection, but showing no signs of cerebral impairment. Either your tadpole is special, or you are. We must find out which. Go to the zaith’isk. I will ensure you are cured.”

1. What will the zaith’isk do?
2. [GITHYANKI] I have waited long for this.
3. Actually.. maybe I’ll come back later.

: The ideal thing to do would be to leave, remove Lae’zel from the party, and then come back and have your main character do the zaith’isk.

: You also want to come back with Shadowheart, activate Phalar Aluve, and probably respec into a divination wizard with high portent dice.

: If you plan on letting Lae’zel do it (DO NOT DO THIS) you need to max deception and persuasion unless you intend on benching her immediately afterward or doing copious amounts of save-reloading.

: “I have waited long for this.”

: “It will be worth it. I assure you. Most of our kin never get to experience the zaith’isk. Vlaakith smiles upon you.”

Narrator: The device is strange, made of taut flesh and pockmarked metal. It waits for something.

: That thing’s evil. It’s like an evil lounge chair where the villains watch the Philadelphia Eagles play evil football.

: “The zaith’isk. Vlaakith’s purity, distilled. My duty. My right.”

1. Go ahead, Lae’zel. You’ve earned it.
2. Stand back. I’m going first.
3. [INVESTIGATION] Examine the device.

Narrator: The device is an ingenious synthesis of illithid anatomy and metal alloys. It hums with a psionic energy, hinting at paths into unknown minds and unseen planes.

: “Stand aside. My time has come.”

: If you try to go first and Lae’zel is in the party, she will turn hostile unless you have near-maximum approval with her.

: “Sit, child. Let the zaith’isk end your suffering.”

: This is going to kill her, isn’t it.

: “You must focus on the parasite at all times. The zaith’isk will do the rest.”

Narrator: An unseen blade cleaves your mind in two. Impossible pain sears your bones and body in concert with Lae’zel’s. The zaith’isk’s psionic forces batter Lae’zel’s thoughts. There is no chance she will survive this unscathed.

: Let me explain what’s happening here. If your main character (or anyone who isn’t Lae’zel) does the zaith’isk, you make three saves. The first is a DC 12 intelligence check. The second is a DC 15 Wisdom check, and the final roll is a DC 18 check that uses Constitution, Intelligence, Charisma, or Wisdom depending on what class you are.

: Failing any of the saves gives you a PERMANENT -2 DEBUFF to the associated stat. This can only be reversed by consuming a mind flayer parasite. If Lae’zel goes on it, she AUTOMATICALLY FAILS ALL THREE SAVES.

: “Ngh! Vlaakith tavki na’zin. Vlaakith tavki na’zin!”

: “Yes, child. Speak the Tla’ket. Meditate on its verses.”

Narrator: You feel Lae’zel’s mind rip and rupture. Is this purification? Is this the cure?

1. [PERSUASION] Get out of there, Lae’zel! You won’t survive this anguish.
2. [WISDOM] Call on your parasite. Show Lae’zel what she stands to lose.
3. Plead with the doctor. Lae’zel is in great pain.
4. Endure, Lae’zel. The cure is worth the torment.
5. Wait and watch.

: The persuasion check is a DC 30, and you are almost guaranteed to not make it. The wisdom check only happens if you make a hidden perception roll and is also a DC 30.

: For reference, Pollux’s base bonus to persuasion is +10. If we use the necklace from the myconids, we can make that a +12. Guidance from Shadowheart would add +1 to +4.

: Even assuming he got the max bonus on Guidance, Pollux would still need to roll a 14. I’m going to proceed as if Pollux fails all three checks.

Narrator: You share in Lae’zel’s agony. Every cell within her skull bursts iinto a constellation of fragments, sorted and reassembled. Lae’zel will die if she remains.

: “Yes, child. Ch’mar, zal’a Vlaakith. Call to your queen!”

: “My Queen, hear me!”

: “Get her away from that thing- now!”

Narrator: Your vision narrows. You sense myriad spectres of githyanki past. This is their fate. This is their anguish.

1. [WISDOM] Seek answers within the zaith’isk. What is this vision?
2. [DECEPTION] You must listen! The device is changing you. You are becoming illithid.
3. Keep focused, Lae’zel. The cure is close.
4. Wait and watch.

: “Lash’a’kla! Lash’a’kla! Lash’a’kla!”

: “Yes, child! Face her will!”

Narrator: Your marrow quakes within your bones. Behind the pain, a new sensation arises: power.

: “REMOVE HER.”

1. [DECEPTION] Your tadpole is changing, growing. You have to resist the machine!
2. [WISDOM] Focus your mind. Try to overload the device.
3. [CONSTITUTION] Pursue the visions you saw. See where they lead.
4. [ARCANA] Draw on the zaith’isk’s power. Take it as your own.
5. Wait and watch.

: If you make the arcana check (which is a DC 30) you get the same bonus you would if your main character succeeded at all three checks.

: “MY QUEEN! MAKE ME WHOLE!”

: “ENOUGH.”

: “Shka’keth!”

: “Damn it all, the parasite. I still feel it. I AM GITHYANKI! I WILL NOT BE GHAIK!”

: “My life’s work.. gone. And yet she lives, and so does her parasite.”

Narrator: Her voice cuts with a fanatical edge - an obsession bordering on mania. If there’s a chance the parasite lives, she wants it.

1. The parasite lives, yes. And thank goodness - it saved her.
2. Your zaith’isk tried to kill Lae’zel. And failed.
3. [DECEPTION] You’re wrong. Can’t you see it in her eyes? The parasite’s dead.

: If you don’t make the deception check, the gith is supposed to go out and fetch the armed gith we killed before coming in here. You can easily avoid this by going to camp.

: “I followed protocol. I kept to my faith. Yet the zaith’isk might have killed me. The ghustil tampered with it. Traitor - and there may be more still! This must be why the Inquisitor’s come.”

1. A traitorous doctor? How can you be so sure?
2. Are traitors so common among the githyanki?
3. How about a ‘thank you’? I just saved your life.
4. You were so close to a cure, if you’d only held on longer…

: “A traitorous doctor? How can you be so sure?”

: “Vlaakith does not abandon githyanki. The zaith’isk was tampered with. There is no other explanation. Now hurry. We msut go to the ch’r’ai and inform him of the doctor’s sedition.”

: This is why Lae’zel is perfectly okay with us murdering all the gith. The update is getting a bit long and I can feel the site bogging down, so we’ll end it here and finish the creche in the next update.

[Timrod]

Summary

: I could actually feel the site slowing down with that last update, so this one will cover the alternate scenes for the monastery.

: First up is what happens if you rush directly to the front doors of the monastery. I believe they increased the cutscene radius on this one, because I distinctly remember killing these gith on my first run.

Raider Add’ath: “That’s enough. On your feet.”

Corliss: “Where are you taking us?”

Mahrin: “If this is about that ‘weapon’ your friend was talking about, we don’t have it, and we don’t know shit about it!”

Raider Add’ath: “Silence! Move.”

Corliss: “No. No no no. I’m not going in there. I won’t!”

Raider Add’ath: “Anyone want to join her? As I thought. Through the doors. Now. The Captain is expecting you.”

: “Forward - carefully. These cultists have the creche on high alert.”

: As it turns out, you can’t get in through the front doors. You used to be able to by sneak attacking the gith.

: Now let’s look at what happens if Pollux goes through the zaith’isk. First, we have to kill Lae’zel.

: Exterminating all the gith means exterminating all the gith.

Narrator: “Your body grows cold, its warmth sapped by the cold metal seat. The machine awakens.”

Narrator: Layers of magic weave themselves tightly around your head. The tadpole squirms and contracts. It’s trying to hide. You realize the device is hunting your parasite. But it’s doing so blindly. Without direction, your faculties could be permanently damaged.

Narrator: Your skull groans and bends under the pressure. Then - agony.

1. [SAVING THROW] Focus the device on your tadpole.
2. Get out of the chair.

: Unlike when Lae’zel does it, Pollux is free to leave at any time. On the canon run of this part, that’s exactly what he’s going to do.

: Actually, he’s going to kill the doctor first, loot the room, then he’ll leave.

: The first check is a DC 12 intelligence check. I call it this because it’s not really a save - 5E’s save system is dumb.

: 3.5E has three saving throws: Fortitude (which was based on constitution), Reflex (which was based on dexterity), and Will (which was based on wisdom). Each class also has a base save modifier.

: 5E changed things so that now, every stat is a save. It defeats the purpose of the original saving throw system (which was to prevent dump stats) by guaranteeing there’s one save you’ll never make.

Narrator: Through waves of torment, you search for the parasite’s lurking presence. The device searches too. You sense its hunger, its craving. It wants the tadpole, but maybe something more…

: The party will warn you to stop, and stopping is probably a good idea unless you really want the buff from making the saves.

Narrator: The parasite burrows deeper, sinking its teeth into your brain’s exposed tissue. It sucks greedily. You feel yourself ebbing away, while the parasite only grows stronger. It’s evolving.

1. [SAVING THROW] Stay calm. Guide the device closer.
2. Enough is enough. Get out now.

: DC 15 wisdom check. This one is the hardest check for Pollux, as he only has the Ring of Protection and the Elixir of Heroism I had him drink for bonuses.

: What I forgot is that Phalar Aluve doesn’t work on the person holding it.

Narrator: The device yearns for the creature, for every part of you tainted by its presence. You will be consumed. The tadpole quivers. A different magic is building within it. This one is ancient. Rotten.

: “No. No more.”

1. [SAVING THROW] Keep going. Complete the extraction.
2. [SAVING THROW] Focus on this ancient magic. Feed it with your own.
3. [BARD] [SAVING THROW] Harmonize with the tadpole’s magic. Amplify it.
4. Free yourself. Escape.

: This last check is the easiest for Pollux to make, because he’s got a +9 to +12 on it.

Narrator: You pour yourself into the tadpole’s putrid magic. Its strength multiplied, it unleashes on the machine. The two forces fuse violently together, your brain their conduit. Your body and mind drift apart - you are being undone.

: “Enough.”

Narrator: The room swims back into focus. Your mind is intact, yet unfamiliar. Inside it, the tadpole lives on. And you feel different.

: Successfully completing the zaith’isk gives whoever completes it a permanent buff that reduces illithid powers from a regular action to a bonus action.

: Most of the illithid powers are trash, so you only really want this if you’re planning on making heavy use of them.

: This is what happens if you fail the dexterity check on the painting. That’s about it for alternate scenes, barring a couple of non-standard game overs we’ll see in the next update.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Add one more to the pile.

: He’s not going to say it, so welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3.

: The right side of the painting hallway leads to the creche part of the creche.

: The hatchery is filled with acid, and covered in traps designed to knock you into the acid.

: “Entirely to empty. I’d expect to see fifteen eggs, at the very least.”

: There are gas clouds in the acid pit that make anyone who steps into them take double physical damage - unless you’re a gith, in which case you instead take half damage.

: There are two kinds of traps here: repulsion mines (which we’ve seen before) and teleporters that will dump you in the cages underneath Astarion.

: The egg is in the acid, on top of a gas vent. You can’t see it, but there are teleport traps directly behind it and on that little island in front of it.

Varsh Ko’kuu: “You can tell Kith’rak Therezzyn that my position has not changed: the egg requires more time. Furthermore - oh.”

Varsh Ko’kuu: “I was not expecting an istik. What brings you to my hatchery?”

1. I wanted to see the hatchery. I didn’t expect it to look so empty.
2. You mistook me for someone. Who were you expecting?
3. I came here to steal an egg.
4. Leave.

: I swear there was a clip from Resident Evil 5 of Wesker going “IT IS IN YOUR BEST INTEREST TO GIVE ME THAT EGG” I was going to put here, but apparently that’s a splice.

: “You mistook me for someone. Who were you expecting?”

Varsh Ko’kuu: Someone with orders from our commander to destroy this egg. Almost all of the eggs in this clutch have hatched. We await only one more, which is.. taking its time. Most caretakers would not give the child its fair chance, but I shall. There could be greatness in that shell. Now leave.

: I start this fight with a minor tactical blunder. That gith we just talked to is immune to acid due to the boots he’s wearing.

: That’s fine though, because pushing is a bonus action. Karlach impales the nearby guard on her pike.

: Pollux and Astarion bring this guard down to 2 HP, which means he’s dead on his next turn. The acid does a minimum of 2 damage even if you save.

: The tactical blunder is that Ko’kuu runs right for the gas to buff himself. He still dies without putting up much of a fight.

: Astarion spots the traps and I jump Lae’zel over here. The egg is.. rather buggy. There’s a small scene at the end of the game if Lae’zel has the egg - except if you put the egg in storage at any point, it’s counted as “losing” it.

: The egg weighs 20 pounds, which is a pretty big chunk of carrying capacity even for Lae’zel. This is why I’m benching her as soon as we’re done here.

: Lae’zel has something to say about it, but I miss it because she wanders into the teleport traps. We’ll see what that is in a minute, after we do one other room that I did before coming here.

: The gith creche is laid out like a cross. The hatchery and the zaith’isk are on the left, and this room is in the middle.

: “K’chakhi! Why do you keep hesitating? My instructions were clear!”

: “Because - because they don’t make sense! Killing each other like this, it’s stupid! Orph-”

: “Silence! It seems your childish prattling is attracting an audience. You fight again. This time, daggers only. And to the death as instructed.”

: “Who wants to challenge this snivelling is’tark?”

1. Offer to fight the boy yourself.
2. Watch what happens.
3. Killing your own soldiers is an odd strategy for winning a war.
4. [PERSUASION] Leave the boy alone. You made your point.
5. Leave.

: “I’ll kill him.”

: “You? Tsk’va. My students do not waste their time fighting such weaklings. But as we seem so intent on doing things differently today, why not?”

: Could this guy be any more cartoonishly evil?

: He could have a monocle.

: “Take a dagger, stranger. This exercise requires nothing more than a blade, and a backbone.”

: “What are you waiting for? Begin!”

: “I - I refuse. There has to be a better way.”

: “G’lyck. Kill him, and put us all out of our misery.”

1. There’s no honor in killing a defenseless boy.
2. Seems a little murderous to me. I’ll pass.
3. The boy’s naivety is pathetic. Kill him.
4. [DEXTERITY] Make a non-fatal attack.

Narrator: You skillfully avoid hitting any major organs, but apparently it was enough. He’s out cold.

: That doesn’t look particularly non-lethal to me.

: He’ll be fine. It’s just a little dagger to the chest, driven in with enough force to penetrate metal armor.

: The kid has a potion on him that you can use to revive him, and he has different dialog depending on whether you’ve killed everyone or not.

: This is from a second recording where Pollux talked his way out.

: “That was amazing. I’ve never seen someone talk the ssa’varsh down from a rage like that. He’s always telling us how we have to be ruthless, that death is the only mercy we deliver.”

: “But you.. you showed compassion, and kindness. You’re just like - never mind.”

1. Next time I won’t be there to intervene. Tread carefully.
2. Compassion? Kindness? I did it for the gold. Now pay up.
3. [PERSUASION] Just like who? If there’s a like-minded soul here, I’d love to meet them.
4. [DETECT THOUGHTS] Seek the name the boy refuses to reveal.
5. Leave.

: “I speak of.. of Orpheus. The true prince.. He’s so strong, and - and wise. And he rides a comet. A comet!”

: “We’re forbidden to talk about him. They say Vlaakith knows if you even think his name. I found his book.. part of it, anyway. I read it all the time. He’s unbelievable.”

: At this point, you can persuade him to give you the book. Of course, there’s another way.

: Start out having Astarion backstab the armored gith. He’s the only real danger here.

: On balanced, he can “mentally instruct” one of the students, which doubles their damage and gives them nearly twice as much HP. On tactician, he does this to everyone in the room.

: Of course, he can’t do this when he’s dead.

: Once he’s gone, the students are a non-threat. At this point, you can loot the book off Varrl’s body.. or..

: “What have you done? You’re no better than the sa’varsh.”

: Just put an arrow in his skull. He’s worth 75 EXP. Are you really going to pass up 75 EXP?

[This stone disc has githyanki runes carved into it. Below them is a translation into the common tongue.]

The Prince of the Comet, Orpheus himself, led his Honor Guard into battle. Their red dragons bellowed with righteous anger, and the heavens erupted.

The glorious prince cried out to all who could hear him: ‘Praise be to my mother Gith, the Queen of the One Sky, sacrificed to the Hells by the renegade Vlaakith!’

But the True Heir, the Prince of the Comet, could not overcome Vlaakith’s knights and their ill-gotten wyrms. Mighty Voss, Jhe’stil Kith’rak, lit the astral sky aflame. When the ash had cleared, beloved Orpheus was gone.

: Let me explain what the lore problem is here. Vlaakith is actually Vlaakith the 157th, and has been dead for several centuries by this point. She is a lich.

: Gith died when Vlaakith I was still alive. This would make Voss several thousand years old. Gith do not live that long.

: Even if you assume he spent his entire life on the astral plane, it’s still a stretch.

: “An unhatched githyanki egg should be the burden of a varsh, not a warrior, whether ascended or otherwise.”

: “And yet - I’m drawn to the warmth of it. A child of Gith and a servant of Vlaakith grows within. Keep it close. Perhaps in our care, it might yet hatch. And don’t you dare pass it to that lunatic woman prowling the mountain pass.”

: I guess I’ll explain what happens if you do give it to Esther, since we’re not going to see it. She brings it back to the Society of Brilliance and they magically age the egg into an adult gith.

: The Society raises him as a hardcore Christian fundamentalist and he kills all of them for not being pure enough. You then kill him.

: “A hatchery with a single egg. How many does a clutch usually contain?”

: “K’liir’s clutch held three dozen eggs, more or less, though I’ve learned of creches that harbored a hundred.”

: I should mention that there is a non-violent solution to getting the egg, but it doesn’t really matter given that we’re about to make the entire creche hostile.

: This door on the right leads to the commander’s room. Going in here is supposed to be the point of no return, but since we’ve already killed all the gith outside, we’re safe.

Kith’rak Therezzyn: “Please, ch’r’ai, I can explain…”

: On a side note, I really hate how they abuse the apostrophe with the gith.

Kith’rak Therezzyn: “The latest batch of cultists knew nothing of the Astral Prism. They were just trying to find Moonrise. They all head there - my gish have drafted plans to assault the tower. They are ready to fight, ch’r’ai. We could sift the missing artefact from the tower’s ashes, if you would give us-”

Ch’r’ai W’wargaz: Quiet. Find the Astral Prism, Therezzyn - my patience falters."

: This guy is the inquisitor Lae’zel mentioned.

Kith’rak Therezzyn: “Yes, ch’r’ai. You heard him! GO.”

Ch’r’ai W’wargaz: “Do as she says. She remains your kith’rak. For now.”

: They have abused punctuation, and the only consequence can be death.

: I tried killing the gith that leave the room, but the game outright will not let you. It’ll start combat and then they immediately vanish.

: The logical thing to do would be to jump the commander, since she’s by far the biggest threat in the room.

: What you’ve forgotten is that this is fanfiction. The commander has infinite casts of Fear despite being a heavy armor fighter.

: Fear causes anyone it hits drop their weapons and run, rendering them useless.

: No, what we want to do is get behind the gith over here and stab her to death. There’s a small space behind her that the commander can’t see.

: This gives you a chance that the wolves don’t see you and go into investigation mode instead of going outright hostile.

: Even if you don’t get the free kills on the wolves, they’ll go down quickly.

: Keep the party spread out. This forces her to waste her turn teleporting and then casting Fear on one person.

: NOW we can jump the bitch. If you manage to break her concentration, she’ll waste another turn using Fear.

: We’ve almost solved this monastery’s frog problem.

: We get a sword that is identical to all the other gith greatswords, except this one gives +2 to initiative rolls.

Gith Barrier Disruptor: “Who would be.. oh. It is you. Make haste. We have business to discuss.”

: There are two ways to end our time in the gith creche, and one is much funnier than the other.

: Surely no one thought we discovered the laser cannon and weren’t going to use it.

: We’re going to ignore everyone in here for the time being, because we’re doing the funny ending first.

: If we ignore the gith and go to the left, there’s a hallway that has a couple of statues in it.

: The one on the left has a plaque reading “Lathander bids the setting sun a fond farewell”, and the one on the right reads “Lathander blesses the rising, bountiful sun.”

: That’s odd, isn’t it? They’re facing the sun, but the statues are facing north and south.

: Moving the statues to face east and west opens a hidden door. At this point, it’s time to evacuate anyone who isn’t Astarion.

: Unfortunately, the game won’t let us fast travel. Fast travel (and returning to camp) get locked as soon as you enter the commander’s room.

: To restore fast travel, you have to walk back past the commander’s office to the main part of the creche.

: Astarion goes and explores the area beyond the hidden door.

: Our goal is to find these big crystal chandeliers and destroy them. This lowers the force fields.

: In between each door is a laser cannon that attempts to push you off the nearby cliff. Astarion can disarm these easily, or just run behind them.

: The second room has a path leading behind it.

: And, of course, the final chandelier is hanging off the edge of the map. Once we destroy all three of these, we’re good to go.

: We found the treasure!

: It gives us VERY early access to a 6th-level spell and is one of the best weapons in the game.

: Hmm. There’s a space here for a crest. Didn’t we find one of those? …Damn, I think Pollux had it. Oh well.

Narrator: An ornate mace hovers before you, suspended in a shaft of brilliant light. A fist-sized piece of amber flecked with crimson is set in the handle, emitting a radiance all its own. This mace must be the legendary Blood of Lathander - the amber is said to contain the blood of the Morninglord himself.

1. Reach into the light and take the mace.
2. Leave the mace where it is.

Narrator: You recall all the measures meant to keep you from reaching this place. Taking this mace would surely lead to something quite disastrous.

: Oh, I’m taking this mace alright. I bet it’ll give me all kinds of power.

: Damn thing’s really stuck in there!

: Well, shit.

Narrator: Everything is in motion - all within these walls are doomed to destruction unless you act.

: At this point, we have four turns to do one of two things. We can either destroy the four glowing blue weak points, or we can run.

: Astarion starts inside a force field that he can’t leave without teleporting.

: The portal leads to the roof. From here, we want to head back to the room where we fought the gremishkas.

: Astarion can make it there in fewer than two full turns. We only need to make it to the hole - this is considered far enough away.

: Well, no one can say we didn’t give the gith a burial.

: As a bonus, Lae’zel gets pissed at us and we can kill her because I hadn’t touched the zaith’isk yet on this save.

: All of the party members have unique dialog if they die in the explosion, but Astarion’s is probably the best.

: Now let’s go back and grab that mace the “correct” way. We might as well do it before we fight the inquisitor.

: Pollux pulls it out effortlessly. After some inventory management, we’re going to do the final fight of Act 1.

: There is a whole series of cutscenes I’m going to outright skip because I hate them. They’ll go up in an optional update.

: The reason I hate them is that they railroad like crazy despite the fact that they’re totally optional scenes.

: The next fight is fanfiction if you do it on tactician, and so we need some fanfiction of our own. We’re going all out for this one.

: To that end, I respec Lyselle into her final form: a wizard. We only get one set of gear that makes Eldritch Blast good on non-warlocks, and it’s going to Pollux.

: As a wizard, Lyselle can learn spells from scrolls. I’ve been saving them for this exact purpose, and she spends several thousand gold on it.

: On balanced, the inquisitor is piss easy. On tactician, he has his character sheet thrown out and replaced with fanfiction.

: The first three times he has to make a save, he makes it unless he rolls a 1. He’s not going to roll a 1.

: Of course, what he’s not counting on is our ability to force him to make multiple saves in a row.

: We start by rearranging this guy’s organs, because he doesn’t have Fanfiction Parry.

: In theory, we could keep closing the door on him.. except that on tactician, he has infinite teleports and can cast spells through walls.

: His first turn will always be a teleport into Mindsteal Tempest, which he only has on tactician or higher. Mindsteal Tempest has an effectively infinite range and gives him a point of armor class for every person it hits.

: The only way to dispel it is by having each person affected by it damage him once.

: He wastes his first save against Lyselle’s tentacle field.

: This is where the ice mephits come in handy. They’re a 4th-level spell, and they have a breath attack that he can’t avoid.

: This has the side benefit of forcing him to make two extra saves, removing his fanfiction shield.

: Inevitably, he gets into melee range via teleport. Using a portent die and Pollux’s bard skill, we stop him hitting anyone.

: I’d say it sucks when we turn his fanfiction against him, but none of those abilities are fanfiction. They’re in the rulebook.

: From here, the ideal thing to do is have someone attempt to move out of his range. This removes his fanfiction parry, which requires him to have a reaction.

: With no shield and no parry, he’s on the ground in seconds.

: His buddies will try to stack on the tentacle field, and this lines them up for a lightning bolt followed by a fireball.

: On balanced, I can do this fight with no spells and take little to no damage.

: “Inquisitor W’wargaz was potent. We are impressed.”

: This is the cutscene I’m going to skip. Going into the room summons Vlaakith for a railroad segment where you can either do what she says or she kills you.

: I don’t know why it’s so heavily railroaded when this scene is completely optional. We could leave to Act 2 at this point. Nothing is stopping us.

: Hell, you can steal almost everything in the inquisitor’s room without him seeing you, so you’re not even missing out on loot.

: The side rooms have some items we don’t really care about. There is one, however..

: This necklace is perfect for Lyselle, and is the reason why I respecced her to wizard. I could have left her as a pure sorcerer, but I can always re-spec Gale into that.

: Speaking of which, it’s time to find out what Gale’s deal is.

: “Gale, m’boy. I’ve come to address a most pressing matter. I’ll speak as plainly as I can, forswearing the accustomed frills that decorate my speech. I’m here on behalf of Mystra. The message and charge I bring you are hers.”

1. You were sent here as an actual divine messenger?
2. What message and what charge would that be?
3. Speak fast, then, for none of this pertains to me.

: “You were sent here as an actual divine messenger?”

: “Mystra’s delicate feet are ill-suited for the hardships of the road.”

: “You know where you went wrong, Gale, and I trust you’ve told your fellow traveler here the nature of your ills.”

: “I can’t say that so far I’ve volunteered the entire truth.”

: “Do you mean to say that you never bothered to disclose how dangerous you are?”

: Dangerous to fanfiction writers and fujoshi the world over.

: “Not in so many words, no.”

: “Then you two have much to discuss after I’ll have taken my leave.”

: “In short, Gale - through his own doing - has become a living explosive that could wipe from this world this very gathering, and much more besides. For his folly, Mystra forsook him, but now she has decreed he is to be given a chance at redemption.”

: Wait, this guy was a tactical nuke the entire time? Why didn’t he say so? Let’s blow him the fuck up.

: You get a game over if you do.

: If Gale dies prior to this event, you get a quest to revive him. If it’s not done within a couple of long rests, you get a game over.

: His corpse also does damage to anything nearby, which you can abuse to kill Commander Zhalk on the nautiloid since moving things is a free action in combat.

: “Mystra would consider.. forgiveness?”

: “She would consider what she considers to be forgiveness. Mystra is aware of the misadventures that have befallen you both. She knows of your strife with the Absolute, that most insidious of evils.”

1. If the goddess herself is aware, I wouldn’t say no to some divine intervention.
2. It sounds like the most insidious of evils was Gale all along.
3. If even the gods know, why are we facing these threats alone?
4. You wouldn’t happen to know of a cure, would you? Some all-powerful, parasite-withering spell, perhaps?

: Pfft. He thinks the gods are going to lift a finger to do anything, assuming they’re not all dead. Which they probably are.

: They’re not all dead. I’ve beaten up a few.

: “You wouldn’t happen to know of a cure, would you? Some all-powerful, parasite-withering spell, perhaps?”

: “Alas. The creature that afflicts you, the ill-begotten magic that it weaves, is inextricably conjoined with both the greater purpose and the greater master that it serves.”

: “You must know that the Absolute is more dangerous than you can possibly conceive. It threatens all who live - even those who are undying. It threatens the gods, the Weave, the very fabric of the universe itself.”

: “That is why I have come here to charge you, Gale, with its destruction. It is Mystra’s belief that only you can.”

1. Gale alone? How so?
2. Mystra is mistaken. I will be the Absolute’s destroyer.
3. Hogwash. Idle beliefs and false hopes.

: “The orb.”

: “Precisely. That which renders him so dangerous is an orb of Netherese origin that is buried within his chest. And that, Gale, is how we arrive at the heart of my directive.”

: “Mystra has granted me the power to stop the clock, as it were, on the orb’s rush to overpower you. Instead, you will be able to unleash its lethal combustion at will.”

: Mystra’s giving him the power to blow up.. in AO3 slashfic popularity.

: “Interesting. This could be help or hindrance - we shall have to see.”

: “You must find the Heart of the Absolute, whatever that may be, and use yourself as the catalyst that will burn it from this world.”

1. That’s monstrous! You’re tasking him to kill himself!
2. Say what you will, but you can’t force Gale to go through with this.
3. We’ll be rid of both the Absolute and Gale in one fell swoop. Win-win.

: “That’s monstrous! You’re tasking him to kill himself!”

: “He is not. But it seems that Mystra is.”

: “It brings me no pleasure saying this, my friend, but such is Mystra’s will. Yours must be the sacrifice that will undo the Absolute. And for your sacrifice, you will be redeemed - such is Mystra’s promise.”

: Sure she will. If I ever get let into Yama, I give it around twenty seconds until they drop the whole “heaven without fighting” thing and start a competition to see who can kill me first.

: “With that, I’ve said my sorry piece, and need only bestow unto thee the charm I was bid.”

: “It is done. Both charge and charm have been committed into your care. To you, I commit into care Gale himself. I count on you to shepherd him well on this strangest of journeys.”

1. On my honor, it shall be done.
2. There’s still a long journey ahead. We’ll find another way.
3. I am not his keeper, and I do not accept your charge.

: “There’s still a long journey ahead. We’ll find another way. Probably involving the.. Shadowheart, what’s our explosive count at again?”

: Half a ton or so.

: Half a ton of explosives we’ve been hoarding.

: “Or some other fortune altogether.”

: “Like moons make swell and wane the nescient seas, so too the sky-strewn gods ordain the tidal fates of -”

: “Shadowheart, get the explosives.”

: But I was about to talk about how the will can overcome fate just like in my favorite shonen manga.

: Shadowheart, get the explosives and also cast silence.

: Next time, we start Act 2.

[Timrod]

Summary

: It’s time to do the cutscene that I don’t like. What I’d like you to keep in mind are two things. The first is that this cutscene is completely optional.

: As we’ve seen, you can simply blow up the gith creche without ever fighting the inquisitor or talking to Vlaakith. Given that, you’ll probably see why I hate this cutscene.

: I should mention that this cutscene is slightly different if you don’t have Lae’zel with you, but we’re doing the worst version.

: “My ardents spoke of one of our kin that escaped in a crashing ghaik slave-vessel.”

: “Ch’'r’ai. Vlaakith’s justice in flesh.”

: “You have accomplished much, child. I am pleased to finally meet you. I heard there is so much goblin blood on your hands that it soaks their children’s nightmares.”

: What children? There were living children?

: One of them glitched out of the jail.

: “To business. I suspect you plucked something precious from the ghaik ship. Something that belongs to us. The weapon. Give it to me.”

: “Don’t do it. The weapon is how I protect you.”

: “Do it. Do not disobey the Inquisitor.”

1. Produce the artifact.
2. What do I get in return if I give it to you?
3. This weapon - what does it do?
4. Shouldn’t you be more concerned with the mind flayer invasion?
5. How do you know so much about me?
6. I can’t. It protects me.

: “Shouldn’t you be more concerned with the mind flayer invasion?”

: “What makes you think we are not? We are talking about the Grand Design - the restoration of the Illithid Empire. There is nothing of greater importance. But the weapon is the solution. I have heard it directly from Queen Vlaakith herself.”

: “It is how we stop the mind flayers before they destroy us all. Hand it over.”

1. Produce the artifact.
2. What is the Grand Design?
3. What do I get in return if I give it to you?
4. How will this weapon stop the mind flayers?
5. Never.

: “Fuck yourself.”

: “Do not try me. Hand over the artifact, or die by my hand.”

: If I remember right, you can piss Lae’zel off enough that she joins the fight on their side.

1. [PERSUASION] You can’t trust him, Lae’zel. Follow my lead. I will choose the right path.
2. We are keeping the artifact.
3. Produce the artifact.

: “No…”

: “So – it is found.”

: (unintelligible gibberish with an overuse of apostrophes)

: “My Queen - shkath zai!”

: “You are permitted to look upon me. You are invited to kneel.”

: This is the one dialog choice where you can defy Vlaakith and she doesn’t instantly game over you.

: “The Deathless Queen has spoken. You will obey.”

: Here’s what I hate about this cutscene. The developers and writers went well out of their way to make it feel like the game never really railroads you, even when it does.

: You’ve witnessed firsthand how many cutscenes we’ve skipped in favor of killing everyone, and the game has no problem with us doing that.

: Even in scenes like the one with Raphael or Voss, you can tell them to fuck themselves in no uncertain terms. But this one? You’re railroaded as fuck, and it shows.

: The thing is, there’s no reason for it. This is a totally optional scene. The worst part is that we never get to kill Vlaakith.

: “These attendants you keep - you taught them well. My child. My Lae’zel.”

: “Ch’mar, zal’a Vlaakith. You know me.”

: “Urlon of K’liir speaks most highly. As did Al’chaia before him. You seek purity. I may yet grant it.”

: “Istik. You bear that which is ours. But are you friend, or are you thief?”

: The dialog here changes just a bit if you’ve killed everyone already and don’t have Lae’zel with you. What I’ll do is mix the two versions a bit.

: “I didn’t steal it. It just.. found me.”

: “And you just happened to STUMBLE ON the Astral Prism?! At least you brought it back. It is a start.”

: “That ‘weapon’ you carry - the Astral Prism - it is corrupted.”

: “I will cleanse it for you, my Queen. Tell me how.”

: “There is someone inside. Their mind is warped, broken - a blight. They are an agent of the Grand Design. Sent to sabotage the Astral Prism - our last defense against the return of the Illithid Empire.”

: If you don’t have Lae’zel, you have the opportunity to cast Detect Thoughts on Vlaakith.

Narrator: Behind the veil of the god-queen’s outer thoughts - death. Fear. Paranoia. She fears the one inside the artifact more than anything in the world. But she’s hiding something."

: It’s dumb that you can’t do this if you have Lae’zel with you, and the reason why is so they can railroad even harder.

: “As long as they live, the Prism is compromised. Kill them. Do this, and I will cleanse you and your allies. Do this - and ascend.”

: “Ascension? My queen!”

: “You must accept. Refuse, and know my fury.”

1. The dream visitor is inside the artifact. I can’t kill them. They protect me from the Absolute.
2. I will do as you wish.
3. Can’t you kill the one inside yourself? I thought ‘gods’ were all-powerful.
4. No way. I don’t work for deluded tyrants.

: Picking any option other than number two has her kill you.

: She then makes a giant version of the prism you can go in. Now, here’s the thing: we can just walk out at this point. I’ve tested it.

: But you know what, we’re already this deep into railroaded bullshit, let’s keep going and have even more railroaded bullshit.

Narrator: A timeless space, bounded, compressed in a fold - a pocket of Astral Plane.

: There are a bunch of dead gith and alchemy ingredients here that are worth grabbing.

: Namely these divine bone shards, which make potions that give you resistance to everything.

: “So you came. In spite of all my warnings. Disappointing. Come. We will talk in private. Just the two of us.”

: “I may have made a mistake trusting you. I told you to stay away from the githyanki. But you just couldn’t help yourself, could you?”

: “And now you’ve come here to murder me.”

1. Vlaakith told me you are an agent of the Illithid Grand Design.
2. I haven’t come to murder you. I just want to talk.
3. You’re right. Prepare to die.

: “I haven’t come to murder you. I just want to talk.”

: “I told you I stole the artifact from someone. Well, I stole it from Vlaakith. Since then, she has become desperate. Vlaakith wants me dead because I know her secret.”

: “It is a secret so great that if her people ever found out, that would be the end of her rule, the end of her. That same secret is how I’ve been protecting you from the Absolute.”

: “I can hear your thoughts. You think I’m lying. Vlaakith warned you that I would try to deceive you. But consider this - what reason do I have to deceive you? I want the same thing as you - freedom.”

: No, you didn’t miss anything. She says this line, and then spends over a minute kneeling and pulling out the sword.

1. Get up - you won’t die today.
2. Vlaakith be damned - if she wants you dead, she can kill you herself.
3. Is this some kind of trick?
4. A goddess asked me to kill you. I have no choice. You have to die.

: “Get up. You won’t die today.”

: “It seems I was right to put my faith in you after all. Thank you. Vlaakith will be furious, to make no mention of your githyanki companion.”

: “The lich queen fears nothing more than the loss of her empire. The knowledge I have of her deception will bring that about.”

1. Vlaakith’s a goddess. What could you possibly know that would bring down her empire?
2. If you’re such a threat to her, why hasn’t she killed you already?
3. What deception?

: “If you’re such a threat to her, why hasn’t she killed you already?”

: “She is trying her very best to kill me. By sending you. Vlaakith is lying to her people. She pretends to know how Gith destroyed the mind flayer empire. In truth, she knows nothing.”

: “If the Illithid Empire were ever to return, she would be incapable of stopping them. And if her people found out about her impotence, there would be mutiny, revolution, the end of her rule.”

: “But that very power, the power to resist illithid control which Vlaakith only pretends to know, is how I’ve been protecting you. I suppose she hoped to extract it from my corpse.”

: “Since you spared me that fate, she will come for you.”

1. Let her try.
2. I protect my allies.
3. That’s a problem.
4. I should have killed you.
5. What’s the power?

: “Let her try.”

: “She most certainly will. I have delayed long enough. The next attack is overdue, and I can’t risk you being caught in the middle of it. I need you out there, searching for the Absolute.”

: “You were on the right path - to Moonrise Towers. Return to it. Be warned. The Inquisitor awaits your return from this place with orders to kill you. No doubt the rest of the creche will join him.”

: This is where this cutscene fails to make any sense whatsoever. Vlaakith’s entire plan is to kill the party. She accomplishes this.. by not killing them.

: If you piss her off, she just goes “Fuck you I wish you were dead” and you get a game over. There’s no reason given why she wouldn’t just do that in the first place if her intent was to kill everyone in the first place.

: I feel like this was probably a mandatory plot scene in one draft of the plot, and then instead of trashing it they just glued it in and hoped it stuck.

: I also feel like it’s dumb because it’s setting Vlaakith up like we’re going to get a chance to kill her, but we never actually do.

: Now, if this was some random DM who had accidentally written a scene they later realized made no sense, I can understand that. I don’t expect DMs to be professional writers (and given R.A. Salvatore, it’s usually better that they’re not), but this is an entire room full of people who write for a living.

: The only difference in doing the fight this way is that we start in the middle of the room, surrounded by the gith. You do get a free Bless, but that doesn’t really make up for the tactical disadvantage.

: Next time, I’ll get on doing Act 2.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3! It’s finally time to move on to Act 2.

: The game gives us a warning about finishing sidequests, even though all of the time-sensitive sidequests would have cut off when we first entered the mountain pass.

: There is one sidequest I didn’t do, it’s a very minor one involving a blue jay who wants you to kill the eagles on top of the monastery so he can have their nest. I’ll put that in bonus content.

: There are three different scenes that happen when going into Act 2 depending on what you did. If you do the scene in the astral prism, you get a forced (and therefore free) long rest.

: However, this means we lose the buff from doing the monastery puzzle. If instead you ignore the astral prism, or blow up the creche after getting the mace, you go right into Act 2.

: There’s also a third, different one if you ignored the creche altogether and went into Act 2 from the underdark.

: The first scene is Lae’zel throwing a fit because we didn’t bring her into the creche and also didn’t touch the zaith’isk - I intentionally didn’t touch it on this run.

: We’ll ignore this because it’s a recap.

: (I feel the presence of toxic yaoi…)

: This scene is a little different because we never actually met Voss on this run.

: “Tl’a’Vlaakith - has our queen sent a knight to slay me with his own blade?”

: “Such informality, child. Does Jhe’stil Kith’rak not command your respect?”

: “Your blade speaks for you, kith’rak. You’ve come for blood.”

: “Child of Gith. I’ve not come to kill you, I’ve come to aid you.”

: Wasn’t this guy a murderous psychopath the last time we saw him?

: “Don’t trust him.”

: I have a new rule going forward: any gith gibberish isn’t getting transcribed because it’s a pain in the ass, and it doesn’t mean anything anyway.

: “My blade rests. Mother Gith compels you to listen.”

1. Fine. We’ll hear what you have to say before we gut you.
2. Nod to Lae’zel. She should take the lead.
3. Go on then. Speak.
4. Your queen hunts us. Why in the hells should we listen to you?

: “Speak. My ear is yours.”

: “I know you carry the Astral Prism, Lae’zel. Within it lies the seed of Vlaakith’s demise. And I intend to help you bring it to fruition.”

: “Vlaakith’s demise? I should run you through for suggesting it.”

1. Are you talking about the person inside? Do you know who that is?
2. What are you asking of us, Voss?
3. You must be either a fool or a hero to work against your own queen.
4. I’m not giving you the Astral Prism, if that’s what you’re wanting.

: “Are you talking about the person inside? Do you know who that is?”

: “If they have not said, they must have good reason. And I won’t be the one to betray them. But the one inside’s chosen you as an ally, protects you with their power.”

: “That very power will be the end of Vlaakith’s tyranny. The Prism’s tenant must be let loose. I’ve sought their freedom for aeons. When the Prism went missing, I feared the worst.”

: “Instead, you’ve granted the opportunity I’ve so long awaited. All that remains is the key that unchains them - and I’ve found someone who I believe can provide it.”

: This entire plot line doesn’t make a lot of sense when you learn who has the “key”. It’s unclear why they have it (or how) and the game never explains it.

: “Bring the Prism to Baldur’s Gate. I’ll be waiting in a taproom called Sharess’ Caress. That is where we decide the fate of my people. Lae’zel - together we will break our chains, and be Vlaakith’s slaves no longer.”

: What’s kind of funny about this is that Sharess’s Caress is a brothel.

: “I am no slave. The Undying Queen is my freedom. It is she who will purify me, and she who will ascend me.”

: “Lies, Lae’zel - every last one. There is no purification, no ascension.”

: “The zaith’isk does not purify - it extracts memory and kills the infected. Nor does the lich queen glorify the ascended. She feeds on most all of them to grow her power and pursue godhood.”

: “Madness. You flood me with this.. this heresy.”

: “I… I will hear no more of it.”

1. What do you want to do, Lae’zel? I have your back."
2. Vlaakith’s led you astray. I believe him, and so should you.
3. Kill him. This is your chance to earn Vlaakith’s redemption.

: This scene is where we pick what ending Lae’zel gets. There are four party members who work like this: Lae’zel, Gale, Shadowheart, and Astarion. Everyone else only really has one route.

: I would put up a vote, but I already know people are going to pick Voss’s route (which is Lae’zel’s good ending). The Vlaakith route also isn’t particularly interesting - the only thing it changes is a cutscene at the end.

: “Vlaakith’s led you astray. I believe him, and so should you.”

: “I served Vlaakith the whole of my life. Learned her words, fought her battles, yet she names me (traitor). Your words carry truth. I will meet you in Baldur’s Gate. Do not make me regret it.”

: “Lae’zel. I see (gibberish) in you - Sister in Freedom. Together, we will be our people’s light. Take this. It is a qua’nith - a psionic detector.”

: “The queen’s warriors hunt you. The qua’nith will sound out when you come near their portals. Hear its cry, and prepare for battle - or slip away.”

: There are two gith ambushes: one in Act 2, and one in Act 3. They happen regardless, even if you never met Vlaakith or entered the creche.

: “I should go. Vlaakith’s gaze pierces the seas and skies. She believes me loyal - and I can’t afford her mistrust. Keep the Astral Prism close. Let no one take it from you. Slay any who try.”

: “Now - to Baldur’s Gate. I’ll be waiting, Lae’zel.”

: There’s an optional scene with Lae’zel after this where she mostly just repeats stuff she’s already said. I’ll post this part , though.

: “Ascension is a young githyanki’s greatest honor. Long ago, the ghaik enslaved my people. They dominated our minds and bred us for war, until great Mother Gith took a hammer to our bonds.”

: “From the day of our birth, young gith have one purpose: to train hard enough to slay a ghaik and take its head. Then we speak the Rite of Ascension, and a red dragon comes to fly us to Vlaakith in Tu’narath, City of Death.”

: “We are honored with an eternal home in the Astral, celebrated for our victory. We are ascended. Or so I believed.”

: We can now progress into Act 2. I should mention that this isn’t a point of no return, so you can go back to anywhere in Act 1 still.

: “Can you feel that? The dark, it’s… hungry. Best watch the shadows.”

: (That one escaped goblin child must have grown up fast.)

: “Are.. are you.. the True Soul?”

: This isn’t Sazza, I’m just re-using portraits.

1. Who wants to know?
2. [BARD] I may or may not be the single greatest True Soul you may or may not have met in your life.
3. I don’t have time for this - begone.
4. No, I kill them. And you’re next.

: “I may or may not be the single greatest True Soul you may or may not have met in your life.”

: (Also I’m going to kill you.)

: “Uh. I’ll take that as a yes. Listen up. Grab a torch, stay outta the dark, and move fast. The shadows have eyes. Go on.”

: Welcome to Act 2’s gimmick - the shadow curse. Anyone who isn’t in at least partial light will start taking damage every turn after a short grace period.

: There are a few options for light sources. The mace from the monastery is one, so Pollux is covered. You can use a torch, which takes up a weapon slot.

: You could also cast the Light spell, which lasts until long rest. Fortunately, we won’t have to deal with this for very long.

: This line marks where the curse starts. What I did was give the ring from the wizard tower to Lyselle and had her cast Light on everyone’s weapon except Astarion’s.

: Not far from the entrance is a spot with a dead ox and a dead tiefling - they’re one of the tieflings who attended the party.

: And just beyond that is a small camp full of goblins that we can see from this vantage point. If you arrived here from the underdark, the goblins aren’t here.

: If you do come in from the underdark, you can still get here by jumping up before going too far and running into a different cutscene trigger.

: The optimal thing to do here is to kill all the goblins immediately, but we’ll talk to them because otherwise you won’t have any idea what to do.

: “Fetch!”

: The hyena runs off into the shadows and dies. I should mention exactly how the curse works: it does damage every turn, and that damage DOUBLES for every turn you’re in it.

: “Heh. Oi! You see that blighter go? Swallowed whole by the shadow curse. Bet he was pure tasty. You’re the True Soul we’re taking to Moonrise, I’m guessing?”

: Any NPCs who die in the curse zone come back as undead.

1. That’s me.
2. I was sent here by another goblin.
3. How do you plan on getting me through this cursed darkness?
4. I thought light was enough to keep the curse at bay.

: “How do you plan on getting me through this cursed darkness?”

: “Don’t worry boss, you’re in good hands. We’ve got a guide. Talk to Kansif inside - he’ll run through it.”

: You can go make him fetch the bone, but that takes up an illithid action and Pollux probably wouldn’t want to use those now that he knows the story behind them.

Kansif: “True Soul. An honor. Did you bring the lyre?”

: We have two lyres. You can get them off Minthara and off Nere.

1. I have a lyre. It used to belong to a drow.
2. Why do you need a lyre, exactly?
3. True Souls don’t answer stupid questions.
4. [BARD] If you want a tune, I know plenty.

: “I have a lyre. It used to belong to a drow. She had an.. unfortunate accident.”

Kansif: “Good, we were told to expect you. Then pluck a tune and our guide will come scuttling.”

: What’s with all of these monsters being able to hear instruments from a suspiciously long distance?

: It’s for mating reasons, probably.

: Pollux can make the performance check, so he plays the lyre. This works even if you don’t make the check.

Kar’niss: “Yes, I hear them, your majesty. Calling us. Their god and their guide, together.”

: Driders only look like this in the D&D canon. They’re a lot softer and more huggable on Hellgondo Continent.

: “Now that’s what I call an abdomen..”

Kansif: “Greetings in the Absolute’s name. You have been charged with - guiding us…”

Kar’niss: New flesh for you, my queen. But, who are they?

: The drider has a magic lantern that protects against the shadow curse. We need to kill him, but that’s easier said than done.

: These are his stats on balanced. On tactician, he gets two new moves. The first gives him +2d6 damage against any enemy with less than 50% HP remaining. This is almost guaranteed to be an instakill.

: The second is a fanfiction version of the Sanctuary spell that he can break at will to do a bunch of psychic damage. So how do we deal with him?

: The easiest way to defeat the drider is, of course, exploding him.

: “I’d better go get some.. erm.. wine! Wine. I’ll be right back.”

: “Oh no.”

: “Hey, you! You there! What were you thinking, setting my statue facing the wrong way?”

: “Lae’zel, are you hearing this?”

: (unintelligible gibberish)

: “Some druid you are! Balsam’s for wounds! Wounds! Not burns! Didn’t they teach you anything in your home grove?”

: “Wait. How are you here?”

: “Doesn’t matter. Do you really think you can date Halsin like this? You can’t even wild shape! Don’t think I didn’t see that attempt of yours.”

: “Umm… look, I really just want to get at my explosives so I can blow this drider up.”

: “What kind of druid uses explosives!? How did you even get named Faithwarden!?”

: “Halsin! Help! The statue’s talking to me!”

: “Oh, that? We had a dozen of them at the grove, and I figured a Faithwarden like you could use one. I’m surprised you didn’t notice earlier.”

: On both of these routes, we’'re going to want to kill the goblins first before we call the drider. You can do it manually by having someone try to play the lyre - you get a special action for it even if you don’t have performance.

: Heh. It never gets old. We could certainly use all those barrels, since they’re pure fire damage and won’t work against the other boss vulnerable to barrels.

: But let’s think about this for a minute. He’s in the middle of a death curse that kills anyone not immune to it. The only thing protecting him is that lantern.

: I never thought about that. I just fought him later on.

: And if he doesn’t have the lantern.. he’s dead.

: It’ll take a little more doing than that. This one needs save-reloading and probably a respec, but it’s funny to do.

: The best way to do this would be to respec Karlach into a ranger with the bear companion, buff the bear and have it disarm the drider. Instead, we’ll use Karlach’s ranged disarm.

: Unfortunately, Command doesn’t work on the drider. He’s immune.

: The drider’s AI will pick up his sword, but won’t pick up the lantern. Now all we need to do is escape.

: This is easier said than done. The drider has an insane amount of movespeed, can climb ladders, and can jump.

: Pollux uses his boots of speed, which let him get well away from it. Karlach disengages and runs to the cliff here before jumping down.

: From here, the drider will sit here and take damage every round until he dies. The smart play is to run in one turn before he dies and kill him while he’s in a light source.

: If not, he comes back as a zombie with half HP and across-the-board stat debuffs. This makes him much easier to kill.

: Killing him at this point gets you nothing, because you get the full EXP for killing him upon picking up the lantern.

: The sword he drops is essentially one of the gith longswords except you don’t have to be a gith to benefit from it.

: This is great and all, but it’s way easier if you just let the game do its thing.

: On baby mode, maybe.

: If we’re going to do the “plot” run, we need to not kill the goblins. We SHOULD be able to, but as it turns out there’s a bug.

: What’s SUPPOSED to happen is that the drider comes in, sees everyone dead, and then you get a deception roll against him that Pollux could definitely make.

: The problem is that for some reason, the first two options are broken and exit dialog instead of rolling. According to the patch notes for Patch 8, this wasn’t fixed.

: The canon run will be us exterminating him via disarm, but I’ll show off what happens if you don’t. This route only happens if you meet the goblins at their camp.

: What a poser! He’s got ten legs! Everyone knows driders have eight legs for wrapping gently around you in bed, and two arms for hugging.

: I went to see if there was a mod to fix this, and found something even better.

: Someone actually bothered to do this for a boss that shows up for one scene before you kill him. On the evil route, he actually does show up again, but we won’t see that.

: There is a playable drider mod, but it’s a gooner one that has breasts the size of the base game model’s torso.

: “And you? What are you?”

Kansif: “More faithful of the Absolute. They need a guide to the Tower, same as us.”

Narrator: Your minds connect and you hear a whispered voice. The Absolute? Or just the echoes of his fractured mind, reverberating in the dark?

: “A True Soul. You have more worshippers every day, majesty.”

: The person who voices Kar’niss isn’t a bad VA, but you can tell they had no idea what the fuck they were doing. He changes accents about three times in as many lines.

: One of them is “generic crazy guy”, one is just kinda normal, and the third is somewhere in between.

: (If he didn’t have the fucked-up eye thing going on and got rid of the chitin on his upper half, I’d date him.)

: “Yes. Yes, they’ll do nicely.”

: His eyes aren’t even right! He’s missing one!

1. It’s time to leave. Take me to Moonrise.
2. So you’re the guide? How do you survive out there?
3. I’ll get to Moonrise myself. A few shadows don’t scare me.
4. I need to do something first. You wait here.
5. Attack.

: “Take me to Moonrise.”

: “Very well. Gather the flock. Bless us again, majesty. Shine your light, protect us.”

: “Come. Follow and stay close. Do not leave the light. Do not feed the shadows.”

: The drider leads you pretty much right down the road. I can imagine he’s probably a pain in the ass to follow if you actually do go all the way to Moonrise Towers.

: “Wait… something’s wrong, majesty. Who’s there? Show yourself!”

Harper Branthos: “Harpers, attack! Kill the cultists - and get that lantern!”

: Wait a minute. How are they surviving out here without a light source?

: “Heretics! Villains in the dark!”

Narrator: These Harpers are clearly enemies of the Absolute.. they could be worthwhile allies. But defend the guide, and you may preserve your cover as a True Soul.

: At this point, we get thrown into a fight against the drider and all the goblins at once. We’re in a shitty position, and on tactician, the drider is going to erase anyone he hits.

: On both difficulties, he spams Sanctuary. This stops anything from targeting him for one turn, at which point there’s a one-turn cooldown until he can cast it again. The main difference is that on tactician, he can break his own sanctuary to do an AOE.

: On tactician, he has more HP and an aura that reduces the AC of anything in the same zip code as him by 4. This is why everyone on honor mode blows him up.

: We could do this, or we could blow one superiority point and disarm him to death. Doing the fight this way changes an upcoming scene a little.

Harper Branthos: “You. Don’t move a godsdamned muscle. Talk. Why in the hells would a cultist turn on his own kind?”

1. I’m not one of them. They took me prisoner.
2. I couldn’t bear the atrocities committed in the Absolute’s name.
3. I succumbed to their temptations. You gave me a chance to escape.
4. I’m infected with their parasite, but I’m seeking a cure.

: “Oh, you’ve got us all wrong. We’re going back to the timeline where we disarmed the drider and I ran like a world champion sprinter and stole the lantern.”

Harper Branthos: “Then I must be a welcome sight indeed. Follow me. I know a refuge from the darkness. You can rest there.”

: I should mention that if you have Karlach with you, she can get an inspiration for taking damage from the curse on two rounds in a row. We’re about to become immune to it.

: On the way to our next destination, there’s another field of dead tieflings.

: This is the Last Light Inn, the harper base. A few updates ago, we picked up an item called an Elixir of Vigilance. This is where we’ll need them. You want to make sure you have four of them.

: If you don’t, you can go back to the duergar base and the stonemason will most likely have one for sale. This is why I left him alive.

Harper Elifer: “You there! Step forward and keep your hands off your weapons!”

Harper Branthos: “Easy! He helped us out in the shadows.”

Harper Elifer: “Jaheira!”

: If you’ve played Baldur’s Gate or Baldur’s Gate 2, you know who Jaheira is. The developers revealed she was in the game before release.

1. Just this once, I wish people would simply say hello.
2. Jaheira, is it? I’m Pollux, and I assure you none of this is necessary.
3. You have to the count of five to let me go.
4. [BARD] How uncouth. Legends led me to expect better of the noble Jaheira.

: “How uncouth. Legends led me to expect better of the noble Jaheira.”

: “It seems tales of my clemency have been greatly exaggerated.”

1. At least give me a chance to earn your trust.
2. So it would seem. Did you hear that I saved your soldiers?
3. I heard you were strong - smart. Seems I heard wrong.
4. [BARD] If you let me go, I’ll happily amend the tales. Add a ‘hates strangers’ footnote.

: “If you let me go, I’ll happily amend the tales. Add a ‘hates strangers’ footnote.”

: “You have not experienced my hatred, stranger. Not yet, at least.”

: “This is why we’re here, you see. It is a curious creature that hides all manner of secrets. But if there’s one thing that we know-”

: “It’s that it knows its own kind. You should never have come here, True Soul.”

: There’s a dialog choice here, but it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is whether you saved the grove or not. If you didn’t, you get a major hint as to the permafuck.

: “Stop!”

: “What are you doing? He’s the one who saved us!”

: “He’s the one who protected the Emerald Grove?”

: “Yup. Didn’t leave a goblin standing. Not so bad to hang around with, either. Saved two of my friends - one from a harpy, and one from a mad druid with a snake. Didn’t make a fuss of our thieving, either.”

: “I’d pretty much trust him with my life.”

: If Mol is dead (meaning you sided against the grove, I’m not sure if the killable children mod works), you instead have a cult spy walk up and do the same thing.

: The main difference is the cult spy immediately tells you what his plot is, and you know to expect it.

: “A True Soul with a mind of his own.. how is that possible?”

1. Because of this artifact.
2. I work in mysterious ways.
3. You’ll just have to take my word for it.

: “What in the hells is that thing?”

: “It’s a long story. Hatsune Miku is inside and she can control mind flayer parasites.”

: “Congratulations. You’ve earned the benefit of the doubt. Hear me, Harpers! All clear, at ease!”

: “I’ll not pretend to understand what that artifact is, but I’m old and wise enough to recognize a sliver of hope when it crawls out of the dark. Tell me - why have you come here?”

1. To destroy the Absolute in its lair: Moonrise Towers.
2. I just want a cure for the parasite in my head. Moonrise Towers is my only lead.
3. I’m here on holiday.
4. My intentions are my own.

: “I’m going to destroy the Absolute and exterminate the cultists. We have half a ton of explosives in a box.”

: “Then you’ve found an ally in me, for that is precisely why I am here. There’s food in the inn over there. Beds too if you require rest. Aloe oil in the cupboard in case the vines gave you a rash.”

: “Settle in, then join me for a drink. You may just be the godsend we’ve been praying for.”

: Before we do anything, I need to explain why we’re not going to stick to this route. On this route, the Harpers take the moonlantern before we can get to it.

: To get it back, we need to talk to an NPC on the second floor of the inn. We don’t want to do that yet, not without being prepared.

: Let’s go back to the HARD-core Tactics route.

: This time, I show off the proper technique - Pollux and Karlach lose the drider, and then Pollux runs in at the last minute to deliver the killing blow.

: There are some potions in a locked chest in this tower near where the goblins were. You may have noticed the party has no light sources out. We’ll get to that in a minute.

: That chest sure looks tempting.

: Oh, come on. That’s an obvious trap. Any mimic could see that coming.

: Of course it’s a trap. He’s even got the enemy hiding in the bush highlighted.

: The game doesn’t expect you to be able to see these, but you can - and this lets us get free experience by means of the game’s only (unintentional) real-time shooting gallery.

: If you shoot one of the vine monsters from the tower while stealthed, their AI screws up. This is because most areas of Act 2 give you total concealment, which gives you a stealth bonus so large that they can’t detect you.

: With this, a nasty ambush becomes a free fight.

: If you do get ambushed, it’s a pretty annoying fight due to the surprise round and the exploding vine monsters.

Narrator: The lantern gives off a chilly glow, protecting all in its vicinity from the surrounding shadows.

: This scene plays when you pick up the moonlantern for the first time, provided you’re not in combat when it happens. If this happens, you can drop it and pick it back up or send it to someone else’s bag.

Narrator: You notice a tiny pixie trapped within. These fey creatures are famous for their trickery - sometimes playful, sometimes malicious.

: “Hey! Listen!”

: Lyselle, fireball.

: “I mean, um..”

: “Oh please, oh golly, me-oh-my, you must release me or I’ll die! This lantern only lights the way when I am hurting night and day!”

1. Who are you?
2. What’s this mechanism at the base of the lantern?
3. [BARD] Legends tell of the Fey trapping people - not the other way around. Why are you in here?
4. Release the pixie.
5. Ignore the pixie. You’ll be needing this lamp.

: “Legends tell of the Fey trapping people - not the other way around. Why are you in here?”

: “My pixie dust is bright as day; my injuries can light the way.”

: “Can you not do that?”

: “No.”

: “FINALLY! Been trapped in that coffin with no one but a mad drider and my own farts for company.”

: “Did me a good turn there, didn’t you. What do I owe you?”

1. I need to get through this shadow curse. Can you help?
2. What’s on offer?
3. “Nothing - my help doesn’t come with strings attached.”

: “I need to get through this shadow curse. Can you help?”

: “Here. Give this bell a shake, speak the magic words, and you’ll get what you’ve earned. Protection from the shadow curse - what more could a dingus want?”

: “Works for me - hey, wait a second! You stopped rhyming!”

: We are now immune to the curse. This is actually a requirement to progress unless you are on the evil route. We can go anywhere, but we’re going to the inn to resolve an encounter first.

: …Unfortunately, we only have three elixirs of vigilance. There is a way around it, but we’d need to respec someone. I checked every merchant up to this point, and none had any.

: There are three traders here, and we can only steal from one. This one can give you a free supply pack, which is enough for a long rest on balanced.

: She has a decent staff and some interesting armor, but we don’t really need any of it.

: Dammon is back in this barn on the side, along with the oxen from the druid grove.

: This includes the strange talking ox, which we want to kill now.

: Before we do, I steal this from Dammon. This sword is the second best sword for Astarion up until near the end of the game. It goes in his off hand.

: Astarion then uses it to tear the ox apart. Surprise! It’s a giant blob. If you talk to the ox, you can offer to bring it to the city in Act 3. It’s clearly evil, we’re exterminating it.

: This hat? This hat is the best hat for Lyselle. It’s part of a set that gives you a status effect called Arcane Acuity, which boosts your spell DCs AND attack rolls by 1 for each turn remaining.

: It also drops a ring that gives you +1d4 to all checks while disguised. This is VERY useful for something later on. Don’t sell this.

: “Karlach! I thought you’d be in the city by now. We were ambushed by cultists. Half of us were captured, the other half ran here.”

: “Off the anvil, into the forge. We’ll find them - hopefully.”

: "Before you run off into the belly of the beast, there’s something I need to tell you. Well.. two things. Good news and bad news.

1. Give us the good news.
2. Let’s hear the bad news.
3. Which do you want to hear first, Karlach?

: “Which do you want to hear first, Karlach?”

: “The good news, obviously!”

: “I only need one more piece of infernal iron to craft an insulating chamber that could make it possible for Karlach to-”

: “Touch people?!”

: “Exactly.”

: “Oh my gods. It’s really happening. It’s been so long. We’ve got the iron - let’s do this thing!”

: “Hang on - I think you’ll want to hear the bad news, too.”

: “Yeah, sure, but first - fix me. Please.”

1. Go on, give him the iron. Let’s make this happen.
2. Let Dammon speak. This sounds important.
3. This can wait - we have more important things to handle first.

: We have a piece, and more importantly we have the glitched piece from the stonemason in the duergar base.

: Speaking of the duergar base, I was wrong about one thing. The two guards near the dock actually DO give EXP even if you talk your way past them.

: They were exterminated off screen.

: Dammon hits the iron five times or so and calls it a day.

: “Same as last time. You’ll need to install it yourself. But this should do the trick.”

: “There. So did it.. work?”

: “Only one way to find out.”

: They probably should have put Karlach in her camp clothes for this scene.

: “You feel so nice… I can’t believe it. Thank you, Dammon. Thank you so much.”

: “It’s the least I could do. Before you go - there’s something I need to tell you. That engine of yours - it’s contained for the moment, but it’s just too hot to exist here in the material plane indefinitely.”

: “I know you know that, but the thing is, there’s a cure. I wasn’t making any headway with the mechanics - none at all. The environment here is just too cold to sustain metals like the ones inside you.”

: “You have to return to Avernus - for good - or this thing is going to burn you up from the inside out. And sooner than you think.”

: “The moment I set foot back in Avernus, Zariel will force me back into service. I’m not doing her bidding again. I’d rather die.”

: “I get that. But don’t rule it out. The world might just be better with you in it - even in Avernus. I won’t stop trying to figure out a cure, but.. at this point, I think we all have to face the inevitable.”

1. Thank you, Dammon.
2. We’ll have to make the inevitable evitable, then.

: I’m intentionally hiding certain options because they lead to Karlach’s romance route. Pollux has a boyfriend already.

: “We’ll have to make the inevitable evitable, then.”

: “Thanks, Dammon. Really. You’ve given me more than I could ever repay.”

: We can go through some more fluff dialog to get the ability to hand in the infernal iron Kith gave us three times.

: This gets us a discount version of Raphael’s armor. Karlach takes the helmet and the gloves and I send the armor to Lae’zel in case I ever unbench her again.

: I’m going to skip a lot of stuff and go right to the bullshit part. Here’s what I’d like you to imagine. Let’s pretend we came into the inn after having the harpers help us fight the drider.

: On this route, we are NOT immune to the shadow curse. So what do you do?

: Well, we have to find the moonlantern. This necessitates us going into the inn, and at this point everyone needs to chug an Elixir of Vigilance.

: The problem is that we don’t have enough. There is a merchant who probably has one.. but they’re in Moonrise Towers, where we can’t go.

: The reason we can’t go there is because the area near the tower has a stronger version of the curse that blows out torches and does damage unless you are immune.

: We are now locked into one of the most bullshit fights in the entire game. That is.. unless you know exactly what’s going to happen in advance.

: The lantern is located in this room, and we have to talk to someone to get it. Doing this initiates the fight.

: I had a ton of trouble with this when I played it.

: This is Isobel’s room. As you can see, we have three doors: one on the left, one straight ahead, and the double doors we just came through.

: We need to barricade all three sets of doors. The area outside is a bar, and you can use the chairs to do this.

: Make sure to close the doors as well.

: Why are we barricading this room off?

: Because I sense bad encounter design.

: What you can do here is send someone outside and then barricade the door behind them before talking to Isobel. There’s some fun stuff we can do here, and it’s all thanks to Astra.

: Me?

: The enemy here spawns in. What happened the last time someone tried putting objects down where enemies spawned in?

: They glitched out.

: And that’'s exactly what we can do here. The game wants to spawn the enemy in the middle of the room, but by filling it with garbage, we can potentially glitch him out. It’s not 100%.

: “I didn’t realize I had an audience.”

: “The True Soul who’s going to save us all. I’m Isobel. Pleased to meet you.”

1. Save you? How do you figure that?
2. I may have the parasite of a True Soul, but not the mind of one.
3. Word gets around fast.
4. I know your name, but little else. Care to enlighten me?

: “Word gets around fast.”

: “Small inn. We’ve been waiting - hoping against hope - for someone like you. Free from the Absolute’s influence, yet able to walk among cultists.”

: “We can do that? We’ve just been kill-”

: “Oh yeah, we can do that.”

: “It’s almost too good to be true. But I’d be a poor cleric indeed not to avail of a blessing when I see one. Let me guess: Jaheira’s sent you to beg a protection spell off her favorite cleric.”

: She gives us a weaker moonlantern spell that lets us go anywhere that doesn’t have the “deeper” curse. I’ll skip some of the dialog.

: “While you’re busy in the Towers, I’ll be sure to - wait. Do you hear that? Something’s wrong…”

Flaming Fist Marcus: “Hello, Isobel.”

: Marcus is the cultist spy who will vouch for you if Mol is dead. He doesn’t exist in the game until this cutscene. I looked for him - he’s not in Moonrise, he’s not in the inn anywhere.

: “Marcus - is that you? What’s happened to you?”

Flaming Fist Marcus: “I’ve been blessed. You can be too. Come with me and you can hear it all from Ketheric himself.”

1. What are you?
2. Isobel, do you know this man?
3. I say we follow the winged freak.

: “I don’t know who you are, but I’m going to fucking exterminate you just like I did all your cultist buddies.”

Flaming Fist Marcus: “True Soul. My instructions are clear: take the girl to Ketheric. Alive.”

1. [WISDOM] Probe his thoughts for more information.
2. What does he want with her?
3. Sounds like fun - I’m with you.
4. I’m not like you - I don’t take orders from the Absolute’s cronies.
5. Touch her and I’ll kill you.

: “Fuck yourself.”

Flaming Fist Marcus: “Pathetic. The Absolute sees all, you fool.”

: “The Absolute. Of course. You can’t believe them, Marcus. Ketheric will never give you whatever it is you’ve been promised.”

Flaming Fist Marcus: “He already has. Time to go, Isobel.”

: If you don’t have vigilance up, Marcus gets a surprise round and knocks Isobel out in a single turn. He can miss, but rarely does.

: Fortunately, we don’t need to worry about it. Marcus spawned on the pile of crap, and his pathing AI is now permanently broken.

: Even though he can fly?

: It’s weird, but he can’t actually fly even though he’s got those wings. I probably couldn’t either if I was in a room stacked floor to ceiling with an elaborate barricade.

: The trick is cramming the debris in close enough that there’s no space to stand on the floor. You also need to fill the balcony with crap, because he’ll spawn out there as a failsafe.

: He’ll spend his turns trying to climb over the boxes to reach Isobel, but stop because the game can’t calculate the pathfinding. This turns the fight into a joke. The only risk at this point is that the ghouls kill one of the tieflings.

: One string of crits later, Marcus is lying in a pool of his own blood on top of a stack of wooden crates, with zero spells spent.

: Blocking the room also confuses the ghouls. Normally, they’re supposed to fly in and finish Isobel off if Marcus doesn’t, except they don’t have a route in.

: The party can leap over the barricade and go out to help kill the ghouls. As long as they don’t attack the tieflings, they’re dead with no damage done.

: “Isobel! Are you all right?”

: “I’m fine.”

: “Marcus has been with us since the start - they’ve been tracking us this whole time. And that was no random attack - you were the target, Isobel. They know how important you are.”

: “But they don’t know about you. Ketheric will strike again. We need you to strike first.”

1. Who is Ketheric?
2. Why me?
3. I haven’t agreed to do anything.

: “Who is Ketheric?”

: “General Ketheric Thorm. Remember that name. He’s the leader of the Absolutists. He was a Sharran, once - took to building an army of Dark Justiciars beneath this very village.”

: “Alongside the druids, we made it our business to see him deposed - dead and buried. But he’s returned. Not only does General Ketheric Thorm live again, it seems he is no longer mortal.”

: “We met him on the road here - commanding the army of the Absolute. I put an arrow through his eye myself, only to watch him pluck it out like a splinter. A man does not return from the dead and become impervious to arrows out of nowhere. There is magic at work - strong, arcane, and most likely necromantic.”

: “He healed right in front of me, and chased us into the shadows. We took shelter here, and were considering a full retreat - until you came along. I don’t know why he’s waiting, why he’s not marching his army west as we speak, but as long as he remains, there’s still a chance.”

: “You are that chance. Protected by your artifact, you can infilitrate Moonrise Towers, posing as a True Soul. Discover the cause of that invulnerability. Make him mortal, so we can make him bleed. Good luck.”

: “We’re in more danger than I knew. If something happens to me, everyone in this inn is dead. Like that.”

1. Marcus told me Ketheric wanted you captured - not killed. Why?
2. I won’t let that happen.
3. Then you’d better find a way to stop a second attack.

: “Marcus told me Ketheric wanted you captured - not killed. He also said something along the lines of ‘Fuck, who put all these goddamn barrels here?’. Why?”

: “Because you filled my bedroom with garbage?”

: “I meant why as to the first part.”

: “Why does a man like him do anything? Power - spite - some kind of twisted, personal morality. I can understand why he’d want me dead. Without me keeping the curse at bay, everyone in this inn - everyone intent on killing him - is dead too.”

: “As for why he’d want to take me alive.. I don’t know. And I don’t want to find out.”

: “Why do you have a bust of Ketheric in your room?”

: “Ummm…”

: There’s not a lot we can do in Act 2 that won’t take up a full update. Act 2 is actually fairly short - most of it is Moonrise Towers, but going there marks the point of no return.

: There are a couple of conversations we can have, some of which get cut off by Marcus arriving, so let’s do those.

: You may have noticed Mol getting kidnapped. Before Marcus shows up, she’s playing chess with Raphael near the stairs.

: If you are playing the hero route, you want to avoid talking to Raphael here if Astarion is in the party, as it can cause him to permanently leave your group.

: “You trapped me. I didn’t even want to take this one.”

: “Calimshan rules, dear. The first piece touched is the first piece moved.”

: “Quickened Silence. Astarion, start stabbing and I’ll tell you when to stop.”

: “That’s garbage. No matter where the knight goes, I’m gonna lose it.”

: “Then make the sacrifice useful. Guard your Mystra, or come for my Cyric.”

: “What’s going on here?”

: “Look who made it! For once I saved your butt out there, didn’t I? We’re square now, chief. Say, do you play lanceboard by any chance? It’s my first time playing.”

Narrator: “The keen gleam in Mol’s eyes reveals the lie. She knows the game well, and wants to win.”

1. Fall back. Protect your queen above everything else.
2. You shouldn’t be playing games with this man. He’s a devil.
3. Sorry, kid. I’ve never played lanceboard.
4. [SLEIGHT OF HAND] ‘Accidentally’ jostle the board Mol’s way.
5. [BARD] Calimshan fell because its nobility got cocky. Put pressure on his king.

: “Calimshan fell because its nobility got cocky. Put pressure on the king. Also, a silence field and critical headshots work wonders.”

: “My, the Theskan Double Counter-Gambit. Vicious. Exactly what I would have done.”

: What a load of shit.

: “How’s that for Calimshan rules?”

: “Brava! Lovely work. I see I was right to make you the offer I did. You will consider it, won’t you?”

: “What a lovely specimen she is. A blushing apple, begging to be plucked.”

: “Please let me smack this creep.”

: “The Theskan move suggestion was inspired. I had no idea you played.”

1. There’s plenty about me you have no idea about.
2. Is this why you’re here? To play games?
3. Bugger off back to Hell, would you?
4. [BARD] A list of my many hidden talents would stretch to Avernus and back.

: “There’s plenty about me you have no idea about.”

: (Like all the explosives we’re saving for you.)

: Can you blow him up here?

: I uh.. I didn’t test it. It’d make the entire inn hostile at a minimum.

: I’ve got a full glass of sparkle juice, we might as well.

: That really is juice, isn’t it?

: Five different types, and a little bit of champagne for fizz. It’s delicious.

: I tested it, and the answer is no. He teleports out if you place a barrel anywhere near him.

: At least that’s realistic. I mean, can you really say you wouldn’t teleport if someone started dropping piles of explosives near you?

: I’d get some bats and tell the team we’re playing boom ball.

: “Well, shit.”

: “Now, let’s talk about you. I sense there’s something you want to ask me.”

: “I do. I have a proposal for you.”

: “A proposal? If you’re hoping to taste my blood, little vampling, think again. It burns hotter than Wyvern Whiskey.”

: “This is serious business, devil. My old - well, a long time ago, someone carved some runes into my back. I’d rather like to know what they say.”

: “Hmmm… oh, such impatience. It’s something very important to your master. But is it a love letter, a warning, or a deed of ownership? I could give you all the gory details.”

: “But of course, you’ll have to do something for me first. Let me think about it and get back to you.”

: “You’ll ‘get back’ to me? This is important, devil. When?”

: “Don’t worry - I’m motivated to help you. Scars often tell such wonderful stories - I think yours might be truly exquisite. I’ll see you soon.”

: This is why we don’t want to do this with Astarion nearby. Raphael’s deal forces you to do one of the final dungeons of this act in a specific way to avoid Astarion having a bitchfit.

: If you miss him here, he’ll try again near the point of no return. We can’t have Astarion there, either. There’s a way to learn what the scars are without Raphael.

: Who wrote this guy? Don’t they know that half of the demons out there won’t shut up once you summon them? They’ll practically beg you to take their forbidden knowledge.

: Like you?

: I was talking about the goetia, but I walked into that one.

: Our third and final trader is this kid, because every RPG needs a shopkeeper who is a kid.

: “Welcome to our humble - wait, are you Karlach? A lot of us were in Avernus. We saw you fighting. You were so good!”

: “Yeah. I guess I was. I mean, you should avoid fighting for devils if you can. But if you can’t, it helps to have a good right hook.”

: “I saw you lay out a maw demon in two hits! Bam, bam! We were all like ‘whoa’. How’d you learn to fight like that?”

: “I had to. Life didn’t pull any punches. It was up to me to learn to take a hit - and deal one back.”

: “I’ve been tossed around a lot too. I want to learn how to fight back, too.”

: “From the look of things, you’ve got your wits about you. A clever mind and a bit of style will take you a long way. Fight with those, and you may find you never need to use your fists at all.”

: Or, failing that, light your enemies on fire.

: “In that case, want to buy a lucky ring I found?”

: “Ha! Nice try, shorty. Keep it up though, and you’ll be scamming with the greats in no time.”

1. ‘Scamming with the greats’? What kind of advice is that?
2. Kid really looks up to you. That’s nice to see.
3. You were too nice to that little runt.
4. Leave.

: “Kid really looks up to you. That’s nice to see.”

: “It is, isn’t it. Hope he makes it out of this mess with his wits in one piece. I’d like to see him set up in a proper home in the city. Every kid deserves that.”

: We can scam the kid out of a key through dialog options. It’s not entirely clear where they got this key from, given that it goes to a building in the death zone.

: He also sells one of the first cloak-slot items in the game. There is a cloak if you buy the digital deluxe edition DLC.. which I did because it comes with the artbook.

: This is where I want to talk about the other trader glitch. It’s a lot more involved than just using the rat trick, but on Patch 8 (where the rat trick doesn’t exist) it makes more sense.

: Stealing from this kid sure would be easier if he didn’t have sixty pairs of eyes on him at all times. We can’t quite pull this off yet because we don’t have a second warp point in Act 2.

: To do this, you need two warp points in the same zone - this means no bringing Act 1 NPCs into Act 2. Once you have that..

: Take your highest strength character and hit “improvised melee weapon”. Go out as far as you can and click to confirm.

: While your character is running full tilt to throw the trader, use the map and warp.

: The merchant will now sit here forever, because the pathfinding code can’t find a way back to their home position.

: The last person with dialog worth seeing is Alfira, who will give us a quest to save her girlfriend. We’ll be doing this next update.

: My plan is to teleport all the Act 1 merchants, rob them, and then go to Moonrise to save Alfira’s girlfriend.

: “Thank goodness, I was worried they’d got you too.”

1. You think a few shadows could beat me?
2. I’m glad you made it too, it’s one hell of a curse.
3. I see some familiar faces, but where’s everyone else?
4. Leave.

: “I see some familiar faces, but where’s everyone else?”

: “You don’t know? Stars above.. we were ambushed out in the darkness - by cultists. We surrendered, but that wasn’t enough for them.”

: There’s another tiefling who will tell you that Zevlor was the one who turned on them and ordered the surrender.

: “They lined us up like dogs. Asharak was with the kids, telling them it was gonna be alright. Maybe that’s why they picked him. Told him to kneel.. they took his eyes first. Then his tongue.”

: “And it didn’t occur to you to just.. kill them?”

: “Rolan, of all people, saved us. He said he stayed in the grove because of you, and I’m damn glad of it. Without him… well, none of us would be here.”

: “Rolan, the apprentice wizard?”

: “Yes. He shielded me and the kids while his brother and sister rushed the cultists. Cal and Lia were dragged away, along with the others. Rolan isn’t.. taking it so well. None of us, to be honest.”

: “How do you do it? How do you keep going?”

1. Just take it one step at a time.
2. I’ll let you know when I figure it out.
3. Danger is my life - I wouldn’t change it for the world.
4. [BARD] When the night is dark, stars shine brightest. So keep on shining. It’s going to be all right.
5. I don’t complain constantly. It’s very annoying.

: “When the night is dark, stars shine brightest. So keep on shining. It’s going to be all right.”

: “Heart’s Requiem, right? The hero survives a war and rebuilds her life - stronger than ever. A tale worth remembering, especially now.”

: “You’ve done so much for us already, but I have to ask - the others might still be out there. If they’re not dead, they’re in Moonrise. And gods have mercy on anyone in that hellspit.”

: “Then I guess I know where we’re exterminating next.”

: Before we go meticulously kill shit in the prison, there’s one more person to talk to.

: Behind Raphael is a cat we can talk to. The cat doesn’t say much and is an asshole, but Pollux gets an inspiration for it.

: “Ah. You.”

1. Hello, Barcus. How are things?
2. Do I know you?
3. Seems you’ve found yourself in another scrape.
4. Are you following me?
5. What happened to the other gnomes you were with?

: “Hello, Barcus. How are things?”

: “How are things? How are things? Well. I’ve been through worse. I’ll soon be off to Moonrise Towers to look for my friend Wulbren. I understand you might be headed in that direction as well.”

1. I have reason to believe the seat of the Absolute is in Moonrise.
2. You understand correctly. But it would be suicide for you to go near the place.
3. Wulbren?
4. How did you make your way through the shadows?

: “You understand correctly. But it would be suicide for you to go near the place.”

: “Still. A friend is a friend. Wulbren won’t last long in a place as dreadful as that.”

1. I’m going to Moonrise Towers too. Why don’t you let me look for him.
2. Even if you get past the shadow curse, you’ll never make it past that many cultists.
3. Do as you wish, but I won’t rescue you a third time.

: “I’m going to Moonrise Towers too. Why don’t you let me look for him.”

: “You wouldn’t even know what he looks like. Then again, my track record is… well. Discouraging.”

1. Then it’s settled. You stay here. I’ll search the Towers.
2. Seems you can handle things yourself.
3. I’ll leave you to consider it.

: “Then it’s settled. You stay here. I’ll search the Towers.”

: “That’s decent of you. Very decent of you indeed. But! I won’t stand idle. I’ve spotted an alchemist’s scales and had already been cooking up a little something that might help against those cultists.”

: “I’ll get to work on the Briliant Retort. You get to work at the Towers. Deal?”

: “What’s that?”

: “You know those grenades you have a bunch of? It’s that.”

: “Okay.”

: I’m going to end the update here. There is one more person we can talk to, but it’s for a different quest and is really long. I’ll do that once we’re ready to do that quest, after we clear out the prison.

: I would do the prison in this update, but I can feel the editor lagging again and I’m not going to risk it.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3. Today, we’re going to exterminate the lowest level of Moonrise Towers, and this means going into the shit zone.

: Once you cross the barrier into the shit zone, all lights are automatically extinguished. The building in front of the party is the toll house - we’ll come back for that. There’s a boss in there.

: If we go through the toll house and turn the corner, we find the entrance to Moonrise Towers.

: “Playtime’s over. So perk up your ears - you and the pup have a new mission. Absolute’s cult has gone and grabbed one of Zariel’s assets. A devil - and a powerful one at that.”

: “The asset is you, isn’t it.”

: “They’re locked up in the cult’s fortress. Moonrise Towers. And you’re getting 'em out.”

1. That’s a problem for Wyll, not for me.
2. Forget it. This ‘asset’ can rot in the Towers for all I care.
3. If this devil is so powerful, how did they manage to get captured?

: Her “asset” must really suck if they couldn’t teleport back to Hell or kill themselves to end their summoning. Those stupid imps do it all the time.

: “If this devil is so powerful, how did they manage to get captured? Moreover, why couldn’t they just die and go back to Hell that way? Unless they’re dumb enough to have physically shifted planes, in which case they’re an idiot.”

: "Questions, questions. You’re wasting my time. Let’s see about getting your priorities fixed. Clause Z, Section Thirteen: ‘Should promised soul refuse obeyance or neglect duty, the pact-holder shall cast the promised into Avernus as a lemure.’ "

: Lemures are blobs that used to be mortal souls. They’re not really good for much.

: They’re fanfiction. Everyone knows dead humans go to Hell or Heaven, and half of them end up there for no good reason.

: “I’ll make it simple. Wyll fails or refuses, and he turns into a thick blob of stink-flesh and sinks to Avernus. You either mount a quick rescue, or you condemn Wyll to an eternity sizzling in the Hells. Sounds like an easy choice to me.”

: Even though she says this, there’s no deadline for rescuing the “asset”.

: Outside the front door, there are two cultists. They don’t have much to say, and we can just walk past them.

: Just kidding. They’re going to die. Unfortunately, there are no cheese tactics for this fight that I am aware of.

: The paladin is actually dangerous - he can take anyone but maybe Karlach down in one turn because he gets three attacks and a smite. Kill him first.

: The cleric/warlock is annoying as fuck, but not as dangerous. Hunger of Hadar is a warlock spell that is essentially Darkness except it does damage.

: We take some damage, but everything goes down. Of note is that every cleric in this area has Death Ward, which blocks them from going down once.

: The front room has a bunch of cultists in it, as well as the Zhentarim traders from the goblin camp. The bugbear on the right has an interesting weapon, which we’ll.. relieve him of.. in a bit.

: For now though, we want to go through the double doors. I recorded going right to the prison and exterminating, but that breaks a cutscene in the prison.

: (There’s that goblin. No surprise she got captured a third time. And is that.. that’s impossible!)

: “Astarion, you were there when we exterminated the goblins. How is Minthara still alive?”

: “I.. I have no idea. I jammed my sword through her chest, straight through her heart. There’s no way she survived that.”

: “I looted her afterward, and she definitely wasn’t breathing. I remember how much blood she’d lost. I remember taking her clothes, too. Where’d she get the new ones?”

: “Something is very wrong here. I’ve heard tales like this, and none of them end well. Send word back to the inn. Either we’ve got a very powerful undead on our hands..”

: “It could be Cazador!”

: “Right. Lyselle, go let Jaheira know. I expect we’ll be a minute.”

: “On it.”

: “I will not be slandered! General, you saw my reports - you know it’s not my fault!”

: “The facts suggest otherwise. You were ordered to retrieve the artefact - you failed to do so.”

: “If I had been given drow warriors instead of goblin trash -”

Drenn: Oi, what?!

: “You scrag!”

: (Right. I forgot, we let a couple of the goblins go in order to get Barcus off that windmill. I recognize the male goblin, he’s the one with the axe. Who are the rest?)

: “ENOUGH!”

Narrator: A blast of mental energy washes over you, filling the room. Your tadpole squirms, urging you to obey.

: This one goblin is the only person not hit by it.

: “Let me make sure I understand this - you’re claiming that General Thorm gave you the wrong soldiers?”

: “Yes - no!”

: “You blame the Absolute’s Chosen for your failure?”

: "Of course it is not the general’s fault - "

: “Whose, then?”

1. Stay silent, simply watching.
2. [WISDOM] Use your power to influence Minthara - try to force her to admit her guilt.
3. [WISDOM] Mentally influence Z’rell - make her show Minthara mercy.
4. [WISDOM] Try to force your will on Ketheric - push him to declare Minthara innocent.

: None of these checks matter. Pollux managed to pull off option 3 with a single re-roll, which he’ll get back immediately.

Narrator: Z’rell’s mind is a steel trap, but you cautiously ease your way in. You just need to shift her focus a little…

: “I’m being unkind. Anyone might have struggled with such imperfect tools - goblins are prone to failure.”

: “I - yes! It’s the goblin’s fault. They failed you, General, not me.”

: “General?”

: “Take Minthara below. Someone will have to consider her fate.”

: “No. Please, mercy! Please!”

Drenn: “Ha! Bye-bye, princess.”

: (Something is definitely wrong. Even if someone had secretly revived her, Minthara would know that we were the ones who foiled her plan. All she’d have to do is point us out to Ketheric, he’d read our parasites, and that’d be it.)

: “And the goblins, General?”

: “You. True Soul. You have seen what these creatures are capable of, and you have seen their inadequacies - isn’t that so? What is your judgement?”

: “You! Me old mate that saved me from the tieflings -”

: “ENOUGH! True Soul - tell the General how the goblins served our cause.”

1. They’re faithful soldiers. You should set them free.
2. I saw the horrors they committed in the Absolute’s name.
3. Just kill them - they’re worthless.
4. Attack the half-orc and the general.

: It’s possible to go loud here and win, but only if you’ve set up explosives in advance and have a means of teleporting everyone out.

: We’re going to free the goblins. Why? Because there’s an achievement for it.

: “They’re faithful soldiers. You should set them free (so that I can complete the extermination.)”

: “Exactly ! 'S what I told 'em, but would they listen?”

: “Faith without action is anemic, sickly. In a word, useless. We are too close to the ending - and the new beginning. I can coddle failure no longer. Kill them. Quickly.”

: “What? No!”

Drenn: “You creaking old bag of shit!”

: The goblin throws a.. I think that’s a halberd.. and impales Ketheric on it. He just rips it out, because Ketheric is a being of pure fanfiction.

: “I’m so sorry, my lord. She’s an unbeliever - outside my control.”

: “Try again.”

: Oh look at me, I’m such a badass, I can take a halberd blade to the neck and regenerate. Bitch.

: Ketheric volleyball spikes the goblin to death.

: “Dispose of the rest as you see fit. Or better yet - put that True Soul to use. You have far more important matters to attend to - or have you forgotten?”

: “Of course not, my lord. Thank you.”

: “You heard the General. The goblins are yours - deal with them however you wish. Here, in the seat of the Absolute’s power, your authority over them is complete. They will obey any command.”

: “You wouldn’t hurt me, would you? We’re mates, me and you. Practically family!”

1. Spill your guts on the floor. I want to see you bleed.
2. Not another word. In fact, not another breath from any of you.
3. I’ll give you a fair chance. Fight me - you either die, or you kill me and you’re free to leave.
4. Guards. Release them.

: “Guards. Release them.”

: “You won’t regret this. Praise the Absolute!”

: Pollux can get one of two inspirations here: one is called A Velvet Glove (for sparing the goblins) and the other is called An Iron Fist.

: “Sazza. Before you leave, I need to know something. When we took you to the goblin camp, had you met Minthara before?”

: “Wot? Of course I did, just the once. Took a party of our best raiders, she did. Out to go find the artifact. When you took me back, that was the first time anyone’d seen her in weeks.”

: “Woz odd too, 'cause she didn’t come back with the raiders. Didn’t see them until we all headed out here.”

: (I think I have a theory, but I don’t know how to act on it just yet. We need to find Minthara, and that means raiding the prison.)

: That’s for betraying me. Twice. Did you REALLY think I was going to let any of you live?

: We finally get Fezzerk’s axe a good twenty hours later. It’s useless now, it was useless then, but we can sell it. More importantly, we get EXP for killing him - meaning we’ve gotten EXP off him twice, once in Act 1 and once here.

:Now we’re in the prison. The prison is a “stealth” segment of sorts that you can get through without necessarily killing everyone.

: However, there’s a chance if we do it that way that one of the tieflings could die. You still get the full reward even if this happens, but we want that achievement.

: Right away, we spot the most annoying part of the prison: two scrying eyes. On balanced, where they don’t have their bullshit damage negation, they’re not too bad to deal with.

: On tactician or honor mode, it becomes a nightmare of waiting for RNG so you can throw them off a cliff.

: Minthara is in a side room getting tortured. I’m pretty sure you can close the door to the torture room and kill the torturers without the eyes noticing, but it’s not worth the risk.

: If you have good RNG, the eyes will split up and have their patrol routes become desynchronized. This allows you to push or throw them through the hole in the fence.

: On my first run, I had good RNG. Not so much on this run. Instead, I opt for a backup strategy.

: On balanced, you can kill them easily with a lightning bolt, since they have a fixed patrol route. You do have to finagle it a bit to avoid hitting the tieflings. This doesn’t work on tactician, but unless you want a video of me trying to manipulate RNG for 20 minutes, I’m not going to bother showing it.

: Killing the eyes causes this cleric to go aggro, but we put her down before she can do anything. At this point, we could probably talk to the prisoners and get them out.

: Look at this guy though. He’s all alone, wearing 400 gold of armor and another 100 GP of weapons, and practically begging someone to end his miserable existence. Would we really abandon a friend in need?

: No, we wouldn’t.

: Now what do we have here? That looks like two paladins standing on top of a staircase that is their only means of ingress. I think you all know what we’re doing here.

: Is this going to be another elaborately crafted wall of garbage?

: You bet. The prison is full of boxes and barrels, and we can use those to start walling them off. Fun fact about paladins: they’re only a threat in melee. They can’t smite from range.

: Paladin smite was INCREDIBLY powerful in 3.5E. You could only use it multiple times a day at higher levels, and it added your paladin level to all damage rolls, and your charisma modifier to all attack rolls against a single evil creature. Paladins can innately sense evil.

: 5E 2014 nerfed smite significantly. It now only works in melee, does a flat +2d8 radiant damage (more if you use a higher-level spell slot, but paladins have garbage spell progression) and doesn’t provide a bonus to attack rolls.

: 5E 2024 absolutely NEUTERED smite. It’s no longer a paladin ability - it’s a spell. It is still melee-only and still only adds a flat 2d8 damage, but also now takes a bonus action to cast.

: We’ll finish the wall in a second. First, we’re going to take out the torturers. Make sure you put away any valuable potions or scrolls before engaging them.

Questioner Sumera: "You were adored, Minthara. Brought up from the darkness, and into the Absolute’s light. She cherished you. But it wasn’t enough - you were distracted by your own desires. Bloodlust. Murder. Chaos. And most damning of all, an inability to follow orders.

: I’ll just paraphrase the scene: Minthara gets tortured. You get the ability to go into her head and “erase” her yourself.

: “You know, I wonder if I could.. maybe not erase her, but make her less evil, or something? Let’s try it and see what happens.”

: The torturers have one gimmick: Confusion. They’ll almost always hit with it, and there’s a chance whoever’s hit by it will waste expensive potions or scrolls.

: No one said it was a good gimmick. Now that we’ve cleared these out, it’s time to kill the guards outside.

: First, we finish off the barricade.

: There’s a cleric in the corner, and if you get lucky, you can kill him without the paladins seeing you. Even if they do, they’re impotent at range.

: There’s also a chance the paladins will jump through the barricade and smite Astarion, but most of the time it works.

: With everyone else dead we can focus our attention on the warden, who occupies the building in the center. She has an item we want.

: She’ll tell us we can’t talk to the prisoners, and ask for a bribe. If you give it to her, you get an inspiration for anyone with the Noble background (which Pollux and Minthara have). She’ll take your money and tell you to fuck off.

The Warden: “I’m afraid none, no matter how generous, may speak to the prisoners. The Absolute thanks you for this generous donation, True Soul. You can go now.”

: “I think I’ll just exterminate you instead.”

: The warden isn’t a hard fight, and gives us one of the best items in the game for casters - the Spellcrux Amulet. This lets you restore any spell slot of any level once per long rest.

: The reason this is so important is because even wizards can’t restore their one 6th-level spell slot, so this allows us to cast two 6th-level spells per rest.

: We also get our money back and a short rest in a can.

: One way to solve the quest is to use these levers to unlock the cell doors. This is a viable option if you don’t have Minthara. It causes the prisoners to walk out the doors behind where our barricade is.

: The reason we don’t want to do this is because there are more guards outside, and they’ll get in the way unless we kill them. We’re going to kill them, but first we’ll secure our escape route.

: This room up the ladder is optional. There’s another eye, which Lyselle and Pollux take out with force damage because we’re on balanced.

: There’s a hammer up here that belongs to Wulbren, as well as some potions and vendor trash. The hammer is entirely optional.

: “Nimble! Check for gaps, cracks - anything to leverage the rock. Nickels: tools - get creative. This rock is basalt, it’ll crack with enough pressure.”

: “Ah! Don’t mind us, True Soul. The back wall is weak - we’re working to brace it.”

1. You’re clearly planning an escape.
2. Shh. I’m going to get you out of here.
3. Don’t bother trying - you’re going to die here.

: “Did you not see us kill every guard in the area? I’m going to get you out of here.”

: “Huh. And why would you be so inclined?”

: There’s supposed to be an option here to tell him Barcus sent you, but for some reason it doesn’t show up.

1. [PERSUASION] I know the tieflings imprisoned here - I want to break you all out.
2. [PERSUASION] My mind is my own - the Absolute has no control over me.
3. [DECEPTION] I’m an undercover agent for the Flaming Fist.
4. Fine, die in here for all I care.

: “Your boyfriend sent me.”

: “Barcus did? Then I reckon you and I were meant to meet. I’m Wulbren.”

1. I’m Pollux - pleasure to meet you.
2. Let’s talk escape plan - what do you need?
3. How did you end up here?

: “Let’s talk escape plan. What do you need? I mean, just in case I don’t find a key. None of the guards we killed had one.”

: “We’ve got a plan, for us and the tieflings both, but we’re scuppered without the right equipment. We need tools. That headcase of a Warden robbed ours, but anything that breaks rocks will do - even if it’s not Ironhand quality.”

: “Whatever you find, throw it through the bars. But for the love of Gaerdal, make sure a guard doesn’t see you - or we’re both done for.”

: Because we talked to the prisoners without getting guard aggro, we get an inspiration for Astarion.

: “I found your hammer. Let’s get moving.”

: “Blessed Gaerdal, I never though I’d see it again. Thank you. The plan is to wait for a quiet moment, then bust out the back wall. We’ll grab the tieflings along the way - we’ll need 'em if it comes to a fight.”

: “It won’t. All the guards are dead.”

: Ordinarily, what happens is that the gnomes smash the wall down - you can give them any blunt weapon at all and they’ll do it, but Wulbren’s hammer is faster.

: At that point, the eyes alert and the guards attack. There are a couple of ways into the cell, but we already know the fastest one: using the lever in the warden’s office.

: The gnomes then loop around the cave to the back of the cell with the tieflings in it and free them.

: At this point, we’d have to defend the gnomes while they break the boat loose, and then make our escape.

: The thing is, no one does it this way because of the sheer number of workarounds. You can kill everyone in advance, like we did. You can also sneak a character to the boat and break it free yourself without the eyes noticing. Or..

: Most of the NPCs here are stationary, or close to it. We also have two fast travel points in the same zone.

: Are we going to kidnap them all?

: This isn’t nearly as easy as killing everything, but if you can’t kill the eyes, you can kidnap the NPCs and bring them somewhere else. This will immediately initiate combat.

: If you use the warp point at Moonrise instead of this one, you can set up explosives and have the party waiting to blow them up, which is an easy way to get the warden’s necklace.

: I didn’t test it but as far as I can tell, the NPCs inside Moonrise have no immunity to the curse, so you can lure them (or throw them) into the curse zone and they’ll die.

: “Boat’s good to go - all that’s left is to ship off. My plan, for now, is to hide out on the water. Unless you have a better idea?”

: “I’ll come with you. I know a place called the Last Light Inn. You’ll be safe there, especially since we just killed the traitor.”

: The reason we’re escaping this way is because of Minthara. With Minthara in the party, you can’t fast-travel. You have to either make dialog checks to leave through the front, or go through the dock area behind the prison.

Narrator: You drift through the dark until time, skill, or luck brings you to Last Light’s dock.

Harper Arthus: “Hold there! You can’t just land and start unloading strangers - there are procedures, damn it. No one gets in without being tested - Commander Jaheira’s orders.”

1. We just escaped the Absolute - these people need sanctuary, not ‘procedures’.
2. Jaheira ordered all Harpers to let me come and go as needed.
3. I passed your damn test already. I remember the vines vividly.
4. Fine, test them.

: “We just escaped the Absolute - these people need sanctuary, not ‘procedures’.”

Harper Arthus: “And they’ll have it, once we know they’re free from infection. Here, form a line. Let’s see if the Absolute’s little pet recognizes any of you.”

: “The Absolute’s what? What are you doing?”

1. He only want to see if you’re infected. It’s safe, I promise.
2. Just do as he says. Trust me, this is the easy way.
3. You didn’t think you’d escaped, did you? No one escapes the Absolute.

: “He only wants to see if you’re infected. It’s safe, I promise.”

Harper Arthus: “If what you’ve said is true, no one has anything to fear. If not - well, we’ll soon find out.”

: “I last left Moonrise as a commander in the Absolute’s army, obeying the voice of a god. I thought I had found a home.. and a purpose. Now I leave as an exile. But you risked your life to rescue me - for that, I am grateful.”

: Not shown: Minthara getting a psychic plot dump.

: “There is much we must discuss. Do you have safe place to camp nearby?”

1. Tell her where to find your camp.
2. I freed you, Minthara, but you’re on your own now.
3. No. I only saved you for the pleasure of killing you myself.

: “Here’s the location of our camp. I have just one question. Why didn’t you tell Ketheric about us killing you in the goblin camp?”

: “Killing me? I was never in the goblin camp. That incompetent excuse for a goblin raiding party spent two weeks leading me on a fruitless hunt in the woods for the artifact.”

: (I knew it. Two Mintharas. The only question is.. is this the real one? Or the fake?)

: The first thing we need to do is talk to Alfira again to get the item that makes Pollux viable.

: “You’re here. You’re all right - how?”

: “We’re ‘two tiefling queens’, remember? I couldn’t leave my favorite bard without her partner in crime. I did have some help from an old friend, though.”

: (We really need to steal all that booze in the background.)

: “How did you do it?”

1. By doing what I do best - being a hero.
2. I was in Moonrise and I just happened to run into her.
3. Killing everyone who got in my way.
4. Honestly? Sheer dumb luck.
5. [BARD] I’d tell you, but that would spoil the song I’m writing about it.

: “By doing what I do best - being a hero. And building intricate walls of wooden containers.”

: “If it was anyone else, I’d be skeptical - but you? You’ve more than earned the title.”

: “You should have seen him. He was brave but also terrifying - in a good way.”

: “I never thought I’d see… well, anyone, again. Thank you - a thousand times, thank you. One last favor? Take this off my hands - it suits you better.”

: This is the single best armor for Pollux’s specific build (and for any Eldritch Blast builds in general). It effectively gives Pollux two levels in warlock for free.

: We can now toss the hand crossbows and run with only eldritch blast. We can also talk to Barcus to get our reward from him.

: “Wulbren!”

: “Ah. I’d heard you might be about. How the devil did you get stuck here, Barcus?”

: “I’m not stuck. I came to find you, of course.”

: “Why would you do a foolish thing like that? Really, Barcus.”

: “Unfortunately for me, you’re my friend. Rescuing you from mortal peril is my right.”

: “But you didn’t rescue me, did you? I rescued myself, with the aid of this - helper.”

: “Ah - it’s you! I should’ve guessed. Thank you very much for your help finding Wulbren!”

: “You don’t belong here, Barcus. Soon as the way is clear, pack up and head to Baldur’s Gate.”

: “But - Wulbren - the runepowder. We need to discuss what you’re going to-”

: “I said GO HOME!”

1. You don’t know what Barcus has gone through to find you.
2. He’s got a point, Barcus.
3. Prick.

: “You don’t know what Barcus has gone through to find you.”

: “Please - that isn’t necessary.”

: “Indeed. Neither of you has any clue what’s at stake - and why should you? It’s Ironhand Gnome business. If you’ll excuse me, I have a great deal to do.”

: “Well! There we have it. Wulbren is safe and sound, thanks to you. I owe you a great deal. The Brilliant Retort for starters. Here you are, as promised.”

: “Now! I believe our business is well and truly concluded.”

1. You don’t owe me, Barcus. If anything, Wulbren does.
2. Wulbren seems like a real asshole.
3. What will you do now, Barcus?

: “Wulbren seems like a real asshole.”

: “Don’t judge him too harshly. He’s been through a lot. When he’s had some rest, he’ll be back to his usual self.”

1. You really care about him, don’t you.
2. Your relationship seems rather one-sided.
3. Leave.

: “Your relationship seems rather one-sided. I think you should find a more caring boyfriend.”

: “Nonsense! When you’ve known each other as long as we have, there aren’t sides. Wulbren can be a little sharp, but so can I - you should know that better than anyone.”

: “What will you do now?”

: “Well! Perhaps Wulbren is right. Perhaps I ought to return to Baldur’s Gate.”

1. Good idea.
2. That’ll have to wait - it’s lethal out there.
3. Why don’t you join my camp once we’re ready to leave these lands?
4. Leave.

: “Why don’t you join my camp once we’re ready to leave these lands?”

: “Hm. Perhaps I will. Yes, that’s a nice idea. Thank you.”

: He gives us a grenade that has a chance to silence. It’s useless. The real reward for this quest is that it unlocks a quest in Act 3 that gives us three more runepowder barrels.

: I already recorded killing all the enemies at the dock in Moonrise before coming back, so let’s test Pollux’s new robe on something easy. But first..

: We’ve hit 8th level. There’s not much new here, but Pollux gets Freedom of Movement and another stat increase.

: On the way out, there’s another tiefling we can talk to.

: “You’re all right. My gods, you’re all right!”

: “Come here, darling.”

: “I was so scared I’d lost you.”

: “Me too. But we’re here now. Safe.”

1. Smile. They look happy.
2. Don’t get too comfortable. We won’t be safe here for long.
3. A beautiful sight, and all thanks to me.
4. Leave.

: “It’s wonderful to see you back together.”

: “Credit where it’s due - Bex, this is the one who helped me and the others escape.”

: “This isn’t the first time you’ve helped us - saved our lives, really. Why?”

1. You were in trouble. I wanted to help. Simple as that.
2. For the experience, I guess.
3. It was convenient. Next time, it might not be.

: “You make it sound so easy. But I know the lengths you’ve gone to on our behalf. We’ll never forget it. Never ever.”

: That’s so cute!

: If we head out toward Moonrise, there’s this area with a bunch of magic torches. This is the route we need to take to save a tiefling.

: This building is entirely optional and has a fight that’s probably not worth doing, especially on tactician. The enemies are hidden unless someone spots them.

: Pollux hits MUCH harder now, and gets a off-hand shot with his hand crossbow on top of that. These things have a dumb gimmick.

: They can teleport between shadows, and then garrote people with a rope to silence them. On tactician, this also stops movement.

: Karlach shows off the halberd I got off that merchant in Moonrise by giving him all the armor we stole off the dead bodies. It hits HARD.

: There’s not much here apart from these gloves, which are okay if you’re planning on using Spirit Guardians a lot.

Moonmaiden, protect those who would not turn from you, no matter the consequence in this short life. Keep these artifacts of our devotion until such a time as we may openly infuse our spirits with your white light once more. Grant cunning to my brother, Halfred, in his efforts to conceal the rest of your relics. Let the name Last Light not be a portent. Let your moonglow continue forever, and fill our hearts.

: This is a hint to something we passed by offscreen on the way to Moonrise, and it’s what we use that key from the tiefling kid for.

: Past that is a small building with a trap inside. It hits Pollux, but does nothing because he has temporary HP from his robe that regens every time we enter combat.

: This has a hidden chest with an absolutely useless ring in it.

: The game will mark your map to tell you exactly where the tiefling is, but you can see the fires from pretty far away and just follow the trail.

: As soon as we get close enough, we find him fighting shadows - this is our first glimpse at them. They’re essentially weaker wraiths, which were a threat in older editions but aren’t so much anymore.

: Wraiths used to be one of the nastiest enemies in the game for mid-level parties. They’re incorporeal, meaning you need a magic weapon to hit them and take half damage even then. They also drain 1d6 points of constitution on a melee hit.

: In 5E, stat drain was removed as a thing and was replaced with reducing maximum HP by the same amount as their melee damage.

: If it weren’t for the fact that everyone rolled low on initiative, we probably could’ve killed these without Rolan ever taking a hit.

: “Gods damn it all. I can do nothing right - not a damn thing.”

1. What are you even doing here?
2. You’re supposed to be at Last Light.
3. Please tell me you weren’t looking for Moonrise.
4. [BARD] If it helps, when I re-tell this story, I could say you killed all the monsters?

: “If it helps, when I re-tell this story, I could say you killed all the monsters?”

: “Who gives a damn about your stories? All I care about is getting my brother and sister back. Instead, I found myself cornered by shadow fiends and in need of rescue. From you, of all bloody people.”

1. Should I have left you to die?
2. You were trying to help your family - you’re too hard on yourself.
3. Shut up, and be grateful I saved your sorry tail.

: “You were trying to help your family - you’re too hard on yourself.”

: “Or not hard enough. I’ve failed Cal and Lia, again. Be on your way - I’ll return to Last Light. I know when I’m outmatched.”

: “Did you enjoy relaxing here while I battled that wretched darkness? What were you thinking?”

Lia: "I’m sorry we got captured by muderous lunatics.

: “I thought you were dead, you ass. Both of you!”

Cal: “We’re all safe, Rolan - that’s what matters.”

1. I thought you’d be happier to see each other.
2. Roland was in a bad state without you two.
3. Getting captured was stupid and reckless.
4. So who’s paying me?

: “I thought you’d be happier to see each other.”

: “I thought my entire family was DEAD.”

Lia: “I’m sorry - we should have been here.”

: “No - no , it’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have shouted - I"m sorry.”

Cal: “Thank you - for saving me. And the two idiots.”

: “Don’t mention it. I just enjoy murdering cultists.”

Lia: “Humble, too? Imagine that.”

: “He has no cause to be humble. He’s brought us back together - a task I failed miserably at. You went out of your way to help us, it’s only right you get something in return. Here - I hope it helps.”

: It’s just gold?

: Gold and 425 EXP for an extremely easy fight.

: Here we have the docks, which are behind the doors the paladins were guarding in the prison. If you open the cell gates instead of giving Wulbren a weapon, the prisoners will run out through here.

: There are three guards here - the cleric on the left, the paladin on the right, and a second paladin way in the back we can’t see.

: The third guy, in the middle, won’t join combat if we attack. He has 22 HP and is a free kill.

: On the first recording run, this went much better. You can follow the guard patrol routes to isolated areas and then off them.

: Normally, this will be far enough away that the other two guards won’t notice, but in this case they did.

: That’s fine, because we can hurl them into the water. They’re not carrying anything worth much.

: Our reward is two wine barrels.. and this. This is a special explosive barrel.

Narrator: A wave of sick familiarity radiates from one barrel amidst the cargo. Tadpoles. Sleeping and scarcely aware, but echoing yours a hundredfold.

: “There’s so many. Enough for an army of mindless slaves.”

1. [INTELLIGENCE] Reach out, tadpole-to-tadpole.
2. Examine the seal - it looks familiar to you.
3. Leave.

Narrator: A sleep of centuries, the birth and destruction of a settlement above forming only background noise to the dream. Until something descended down into the darkness.. and the dreamer awoke.

: You can break the barrel to get mind flayer parasites, if you’re using those.

: Or you can blow it up. If you do, it becomes the only acid damage explosive barrel in the game. It also creates a surface like those mind flayer grenades we used on the goblins.

: There are a couple of chests nearby with potions in them, including an elixir of vigilance that would’ve been real useful had Marcus not slipped on a pile of garbage.

: I’m going to end the update here, only because I want to catch up on some stuff in bonus content. Next time, we’ll clear out the Fuck Zone.

: (You know, I probably should check on Minthara before I go meditate. Just to make sure none of that.. stuff.. I did in her head did anything.)

: (I forgot that we’re on a timeline where we long rested ten times in a row trying to get Shadowheart to talk, and that made the owlbear and Scratch join us.)

: “…Fuck. I overdid it.”

: There’s a Sailor Moon mod!? Do they have Sailor Jupiter?

: Nope, just the Sailor Moon seifuku.

: “I am.. Magical Girl Pretty Minthara. In the name of Selune.. I will punish you.”

: Well, shit. I’m going to have to pay Withers out the nose to fix this, and then have Astarion steal it all back.

: “I hate myself.”

: First up is the blue jay quest we missed in Act 1.

: The blue jay is located across a small jump from the cable car station outside the monastery.

Blue Jay: “I’ve got nothing left to take, so you might as well shove off.”

1. Did someone steal something from you?
2. That’s a lot of attitude from a little bird.
3. I’m not here to take. I’m looking for the gith creche I already exteminated.
4. Leave.

: “Did someone steal something from you?”

Blue Jay: “Steal? Eagles are bigger, they just *take… nest, prey, everything. That’s how it works here.”

1. I can’t help but notice you have a nest right there.
2. That’s exactly how it works, and it’s my turn. Get out, or I’ll turn you into stew.
3. That doesn’t sound very fair.
4. Leave.

: “I can’t help but notice you have a nest right there.”

Blue Jay: “Oh sure, a nest. But it’s not my nest. That’s up on the roof, with the eagles. Eagles are pricks.”

: “I’ve already killed the eagles, luckily for you.”

: For this, we get ten experience and a buried chest with some random items in it.

: What I was going to do next is a thing with Shadowheart, but unfortunately the event is bugged. It’s a thing you need for one of the final parts of Act 2, so I’ll explain it.

: Act 2 has a story quest in which Shadowheart, by default, does something very stupid. There are three ways to talk her out of it. The first is a DC 21 persuasion check.

: The second is to have a high approval rating (over 40 points) with Shadowheart. This bypasses the check, and I believe we can do this.

: The third involves a hidden point system that requires you long resting at very specific points in Act 1, all of which I missed. The system is called “Wolf Dream Points”.

: To unlock this, you need several criteria. The first is that Shadowheart has to see a wolf and fail a save to not be frightened by it. Usually, this happens in the druid grove.

: The problem is that if she makes that save, you’re VERY unlikely to get it to happen again.. and she made the save on this run.

: The second involves performing specific actions, like asking her about her hand wound or saving her from the nautiloid rather than walking away.

: This causes her to share a dream about why she’s afraid of wolves. I found a video of it, which you can watch here.

: Even if you get this scene, it just feeds into a second point system. I’ll explain that when we get to it, but just know that on Patch 7 it’s glitched.

: Finally, let’s look at what would happen if we had entered Act 2 from the underdark.

: To do this, we need to use the elevator. It’s behind those two duergar we killed by poisoning them. You don’t need to kill them to use it.

: The elevator leads to a big empty room with a chest in it that has some healing potions. I’ll probably grab this on the current save.

: We then run into Elminster, who somehow made it from the gith creche all the way here before we did.

: We come out in a completely different part of Act 2, much closer to Last Light.

[A handwritten journal, abandoned for some fifty years. It details a druid’s attempt to learn more about the shadow curse. The entries grow shorter and more sporadic as time passes.]

Made good progress through the mountains. Seeing the curse for the first time filled me with an awe and fear that was difficult to describe. No writing could have prepared me, nor any artist’s rendition. As grave as the Archdruid Halsin’s warnings were, they were still lacking compared to the reality. I shall make camp soon, and press on in the morning.. though in truth, such terms have little meaning in this place.

A dreadful night. The campfire needed thrice the wood that would normally be needed in order to keep it burning. Terrible sounds came to my ears from beyond the firelight. Rest has not restored me. If anything, I feel weaker. But I must persevere. I must trust in Silvanus. I must venture deeper.

Creatures, from the darkness. Foul things. One grazed me. Only my torch saved me.

Deep darkness. Flames are instantly doused. The wound stings. Flesh is turning black with corruption. The shadows are growing stronger. They are spreading. I need to return to the light.

The wood will not burn. I can barely see the page. I am surrounded.

: A little further ahead, we run into a harper patrol. This locks you out of talking to Kar’niss at the goblin camp.

Harper Lassandra: “Stay together! Keep to the light!”

Harper Lassandra: “Stop! Who’s there?!”

1. Lower your weapon first.
2. My name is Pollux. Who are you?
3. A nightmare in the dark.
4. [BARD] I find the best introductions are made while sitting around a fire, perhaps with drinks?
5. Back away from them, palms up.

: “My name is Pollux. Who are you?”

Harper Lassandra: “First, come closer. Hands up.”

Harper Lassandra: “Yonas! Move in!”

: Why is this side of Act 2 a horror movie?

: The harpers spend a bit calling out to him, and then he shambles back as a zombie.

Harper Yonas: “There you are… come.. join me..”

Harper Meygan: “Yonas…?”

1. Move. I’ll take care of this.
2. Get ready to fight.
3. Run.

: We get into a forced fight against six shadows and Zombie Brad Vickers.

: One of them hits Pollux for nearly half his total HP. There are going to be multiple encounters like this - including one we’ll see next update for sure.

: Generally, the best strategy is to fireball them.

: I think you get a free long rest on this route if you do the thing with Vlaakith, but I didn’t on this save because it was the closest one I had to the start of Act 2.

: The harpers will tell us about the inn, mark it on the map, and explain the mechanics of the Fuck Zone. We’re going to clear out most of the Fuck Zone next update.

: The shadows give you little stories about who they were in life if you click their corpses.

: We find this on the way to the other entrance. This is the mother of all vine monsters, and I never killed it on my first playthrough.

: I’ll find a way to kill them by then. It’s not worth the trouble anyway, since all it drops is a ring that lets you set yourself on fire.

: Once we approach the back door to the building the harpers were in on the other route..

: “We bring more to your church every day, my Queen. Your followers are legion.”

: “Your faithful stand ready, Majesty. Soon we march. Soon the world will bow to you.”

Brawler Vez: “'Ere, web arse - something moved up there. Want me to drag it out?”

: Pollux is really bad at hiding.

: I think even in costume I could hide better than that.

1. Clear your throat to make yourself known.
2. Stay hidden, keep watching.
3. Attack!

: We have the option to attack Kar’niss by ourselves, which is not a good option. If we hit the second choice..

: “They stay in the light! They do not go into the dark!”

: They do not go into the dark, or they get the hose.

: You’ve seen that movie?

: I read the book.

: Figures.

Brawler Vez: “Didn’t figure something as big and ugly as you for a coward.”

: I didn’t capture it, but Karniss starts fucking mauling the goblin to the point of decapitating her corpse.

: "NO! THEY WILL NOT GO INTO THE DARK!

Kansif: “Enough! Stop!”

: “THEY WILL NOT BECOME SHADOWS! THEY WILL NOT FEED THE CURSE!”

: “Forgive me, my Queen, but I had to. Before the dark got any stronger.”

: “What’s this? One of your True Souls, my Queen! How have they survived?”

: By disarming you and watching you chase the lantern around like a football until I kill you.

1. The Absolute protected me.
2. Never mind me, how have you survived the curse?
3. Attack the drider.
4. [BARD] You know what they say - a ballad a day keeps the darkness away!

: This is a question of “Do you want to get the moonlantern for free✝?” If so, pick the first option.

You have to fight Kar’niss as a zombie in the Fuck Zone later.

: “You blessed them too, my Queen? Where is their lantern?”

1. [BARD] [DECEPTION] Our wondrous Queen dropped me a message - she said you need to give me that lantern. It’s very important.
2. A lantern? Is that what protects you out here?
3. Attack the drider.

: “Our wondrous Queen dropped me a message. She said you need to give me that lantern, and then march straight into the Fuck Zone over there. It’s very important.”

: “Majesty? Is this - is this true? Did I not serve you well? Very well. If it is your will, they can have it.”

1. Good. You may go now.
2. So how does this work, exactly?
3. Attack the drider.

: “Good. You may go now.”

Kansif: “We can’t go without you - the shadows would tear us to pieces.”

: “This is not her majesty’s will.”

1. [BARD] [DECEPTION] Vale, idiotae! There - you now carry the blessing of the Absolute. You’ll be safe.
2. [INTIMIDATION] The Absolute wants you to go. Now!
3. Attack the drider.

: “Well let’s see. I have the moonlantern once again, and you’re standing in the curse. Bye!”

: “If - if it is her Majesty’s will..”

Kansif: “You can’t be serious. You know what’s out there -”

: “IF IT IS HER MAJESTY’S WILL, THEN WE SHALL WALK! SHE WILL PROTECT US! SHE MUST!”

: “Majesty.. please…”

Narrator: As the sounds fade, there is nothing left but cold, still silence.

: And that’s it. Buffalo Bill disappears and zombifies, and you fight him outside the toll house as a zombie, along with the two half-orcs and the goblins.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3! It’s time to clear out the inner part of Act 2.

: We’ll start this update by swapping Lyselle for Minthara. This gets me the mark of shame.

: Minthara starts out with a couple of illithid powers unlocked, which the game counts as “consuming a parasite”, even though no one actually has.

: What I’ll probably do is feed all our spares to Minthara, though she can’t ever unlock the really high-level illithid powers. Only Pollux could do that, and he’s not going to.

: If we go up toward the underdark exit, there’s a dead raven on the ground. I kept Lyselle around for this fight but wound up not really needing her.

: This summons a bunch of zombie ravens, which have 1 HP and a very low hit chance. They get a surprise round, but against this party they’re a non-threat.

: Each one is worth two owlbears of experience, which means they’re worth fighting.

: Imagine how much an owlbear would be worth if we fought one scaled up to this level.

: Right nearby is a night orchid. If you ever bother to talk to Shadowheart, you’d know these are her favorite flower.

: Giving her one of these gets you a point in her SECOND hidden point system. You need four points to make her not be an idiot.

: I’ll leave giving it to her for bonus content. For now, we’re going to head to the toll house we skipped earlier.

: The toll collector is a giant gold monstrosity, and there are a bunch of these floating “visages” around. Normally, this is a gimmick fight that initiates when you go upstairs. However…

: No one ever does this fight on honor mode. Let’s take a look at why.

: The toll collector is covered in gold armor. Killing one of the skulls removes one piece of the armor. The armor is always removed in the same order: the gloves go first, which disables her coin whips.

: She starts with 607 HP (on tactician) and loses 100 HP per armor piece. This leads to a scramble to kill the skulls quickly so that you can bring her down to her minimum of 7 HP.

: Unless, of course, you realize that part of her patrol route takes her in front of this window.

: This removes all but one piece of her armor. Killing one skull removes it all, leaving her with a maximum HP of 7.

: All she needs is one good shot, and she’s dead. The skulls all disappear when she dies.

: Doing it this way gets us three inspirations: one for Astarion, one for Pollux, and one for Minthara.

: Once Gerringothe is dead, we can explore the toll office, which has a couple of small puzzles in it. This door leads to her office, and is opened with a key from her corpse.

: Alternatively, you can just pick the lock.

: Pollux spots some rotting floorboards, which lead to a secret room on the first floor.

: Before we go down, there’s a shield in a chest against the wall. It’s a item for Halsin that you’d only probably use if you intend on Halsin being a caster.

: There’s not much of interest down below, just money. The camera is very fucky for getting down there, and the best way is to have a low-strength character push someone down.

: The button on the wall opens a secret door leading outside.

: The safe Gerringothe keeps looking at is stuck and needs a strength check to open. There’s 500 gold inside.

: This back room has some gloves that are good for Minthara and almost no one else, unless you’re running one of those stupid magic builds on Lae’zel or Karlach.

: The only other thing of note on the second floor is this safe, which has a note next to it.

If you find the safe - I’m inside! Had to shut myself in to avoid the shadows. There’s no gold, if you’re thinking of killing me for it - Gerringothe moved it all to her personal coffers, and I’m unarmed anyway. Just let me out when the shadows are gone, and I’ll find a way to repay you. I’ve only got three candles with me, so hurry!

[The combination to the safe has been written in big, bold handwriting below.]

: At least he’s free now, I guess.

: All that’s inside is a supply pack, which goes with all the other supplies we’re never going to use until Act 3.

: Gerringothe drops 600 gold (100 per armor piece) and a mace, along with a de-powered version of a spell scroll. If you’re dumb enough to give her 5,000 gold she gives you a “signed trade visa” which lets you turn someone to gold for 4 rounds.

: And finally, the basement. The basement is only really useful if you plan on talking your way past Gerringothe.

: It has a back room with a soul coin, some vendor trash, and a logbook.

[This messy financial ledger records an ‘Import Tax’ charged to merchants by the Reithwin tollhouse. The tax was clearly excessive, and included gems and jewelry in addition to gold. Several notes are scrawled on the final page.]

trade slowing. merchants scared of ketheric. nervous of war.

he WILL NOT take my due.

: There’s a sub-basement as well that has nothing of value in it, just some lore (involving a mason trying to dig a tunnel into the office) and more vendor trash.

: I forgot that there’s a second secret room Karlach or Minthara can jump into from outside. It has nothing important inside except a bad gimmick necklace.

: I love being set on fire every time I take fire damage. Who doesn’t? I mean, apart from literally everyone.

: Barbecue Pit does, and that’s why no one teams up with Barbecue Pit. Can’t trust a man who likes being on fire.

: Across from the tollhouse is the statue that features on every loading screen for Act 2. This is where the drider and his group would be if we had done the dialogue route.

: Instead, there’s a couple of shadows and some zombie harpers. These will join the drider if he’s here, which is why talking him out of the moonlantern is a bad idea.

: They go down without too much trouble.

Narrator: “You see a man drain his tankard in an inn as he listens to a Flaming Fist play the lute. He’s better than his uniform might suggest.”

: This shadow has a hint as to something important for Halsin’s quest. We’ll get to that this update because the rest of the Fuck Zone is kind of nothing.

: The statue has plaques on it that if read clockwise from this point will open a hidden door. They read:

“OUR LADY OF LOSS
MISTRESS OF PAIN
WHEN NIGHT FALLS
THORM SHALL RISE”

: Shar was someone’s fetish, wasn’t she.

: There was a reason everyone in the 70s understood that D&D was a game for horny nerds.

: The door leads to a bunch of Shar statues. We will come back here later with Shadowheart. The statues have stat checks that give you a buff if you make them.

: From what I remember, there’s a forced long rest after we do the point of no return, and we’ll want to come back for these after we do that so we have the buffs for Ketheric.

: I’m mostly going to skip over the mason’s guild. There’s not much in it other than vendor trash.

: The mason’s guild has a basement, and the key we got from the tiefling kid goes here. This is why I don’t understand how he got it.

: We put the key in (or just pick the lock), find a trapped treasure chest that has nothing in it, and then come to the final room.

: The final room has a wraith in it, along with a couple of shadows we can’t see. The wraith extinguishes light sources, allowing the shadows to stay invisible.

: I wound up bringing in Shadowheart and throwing a daylight out, which did nothing because the wraith extinguishes it. This is a bug.

: The real trick is to get Shadowheart the Blood of Lathander and have her run in there and blind it, at which point everyone dumps on it until it dies.

: The only thing of import here is this letter.

• How quickly things change. The Thorms are Selunite through and through - or so I believed. Perhaps Ketheric only converted for Melodia, and with her death - and then his daughter’s - his faith died too. But to turn to Shar? It beggars belief.

• Ketheric’s justiciars are growing greater in number, and more determined to rout out any traces of Selune in Reithwin. Why do they think this town was built? One cannot rip out the foundations of a building and expect it to remain standing.

• Brother and I remain the last two bastions of Our Lady of Silver in the town. A few - the trusting few - come to worship in secret by moonlit nights. Others - converts, all. Whether they truly believe, I cannot say. Impossible, isn’t it?

• Sick of standing idle while Justiciars gain power in our humble town. What will become of us if we allow it? I met a man who was no man. Touched by a devil. Or maybe worse. But he offered me something I couldn’t refuse - help.

• The time is now. Ketheric’s Justiciars, their stronghold in the temple below - they will be wiped out. All of them. I didn’t ask how. I just want them gone. Let the Harpers have at Ketheric now. They’ll make short work of him.

: Raphael really gets around.

: Of course he does. That’s how you know he sucks. I used to be able to buy two dozen souls an hour without leaving my throne room.

: The only treasure here is this hat, which goes with the gloves we found in the toll house.

: The top level has a map that shows you a hidden stash in the prison in Moonrise, which we can get pretty freely now that everyone there is dead.

: When you’re in the backyard of the mason’s guild, you can hear a voice coming from the graveyard next door. It’s Arabella, the tiefling girl we saved from Kagha.

: How is she surviving in an area that kills monsters in a couple of minutes?

: Fanfiction.

: “Hey - I know you! You’re -”

: “Twist 'em up!”

: “Sorry. Knocks the wind right out of me.”

1. I’d be more impressed if you’d actually killed it.
2. Arabella? You should be with your parents.
3. What are you doing out here? It’s not safe.
4. [BARD] Quite the powerful spell - bet there’s a great story behind it.

: “Quite the powerful spell - bet there’s a great story behind it.”

: “That druid idol I took? It changed me. I can do all sorts of stuff now, not just the vines. I think real hard and say some loud words and then it happens. Mostly.”

: “Hold that thought for just one moment. I’ll be right back.”

: What the fuck, Silvanus? You could’ve protected me from the curse and just didn’t?

: Maybe I would’ve, if you hadn’t gone and killed the drider before I even knew you were here!

: And what about the vines? We could have used those against that wraith.

: You can’t even wild shape correctly! The girl has better magic control than you do! Wait, where is the girl?

: Oh, she’s with Astarion and Minthara.

: You left her with WHO!?

: Hey kid, want to learn how to stab people? I’ve got some knives sharpened to an irresponsible level right here.

: Oh no, I left my stash of dark elven cocaine out where any child could snort all of it at once.

: “Where was I? Oh, right. Shouldn’t you be with your parents?”

: “I was looking. For mum and pops. When Zevlor - when he - well. There was an ambush. Mum yelled ‘run!’ So we ran.”

: “You ran into the obvious death curse? We’re over a mile from where I found all those dead tief- I mean, dead cultists.”

: “I could hear 'em running behind me. 'Til I couldn’t. Still can’t find 'em - but I bet you can. You’ll help me, I just know it!”

: “I’ll find your parents. You can count on me, if only because I know that old man won’t let me hear the end of it if I don’t.”

: “Thanks, mister. I knew you’d help me again! The vines won’t last forever. I don’t - I don’t s’pose I can stay with you? Just 'til you find mum and pops. I won’t be any trouble, I swear it.”

: “You can stay in my camp.”

: “Aw, thanks - you’re the best. So you send mum and pops there. I’ll be waiting, hero-man!”

: Her parents are in here, but we don’t want to go here yet. The reason is because it’s part of Halsin’s quest, and there’s dialog we missed.

: Instead, we’re going to go across the street, where there’s a brewery. This is something almost no one on honor mode is ever going to do, but that Pollux is uniquely suited for.

: The Waning Moon is a bar run and staffed entirely by zombies. The entire first floor is a cutscene trigger, and failing the cutscene forces you into a VERY annoying boss fight.

: Didn’t this guy sell guns in Resident Evil 8?

: “Drink, gulp it down, wet your whistle. Tell your story.”

1. What in all Nine Hells are you?
2. What is it that you’re serving?
3. Attack.

: “What is it that you’re serving?”

: “Only the best. Oblivion. And beyond. Go on. Cheers, bottoms up, down the hatch.”

1. Pick up the tankard.
2. No. I will not drink.
3. Attack.

: (I’d better pick this up, or we’re going to get in a very annoying boss fight involving him puking on people until he enters a stun state where we can oneshot him.)

Narrator: Leaning in, you can see how the creature’s skin barely holds it together. The bulge of its belly is on the cusp of bursting wide open.

: “Keep your distance. He looks like he could burst any second.”

: “Go on. Drink, make it drank, be drunk. You and I both, to our good health.”

1. [SAVING THROW] Drink with the Brewer.
2. [SLEIGHT OF HAND] Mime drinking.
3. No. I will not drink.
4. Attack.

: “Oh look, I’m drinking whatever godawful bullshit this is.”

: “Ah. Elixir. But such a small sip you take.. fear not. You will soon quaff as I do.”

: The DC for the sleight of hand check is 18, which Pollux at least has a shot at making. If you’re a rogue, it’s only 16. However..

: “Now tell me a story, a fable, a saga. Delight me.”

1. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] From aboard a mind flayer vessel, I’ve witnessed the Hells themselves.
2. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] I gazed on nature’s bounties in a verdant grove of druids.
3. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] I’ve seen the goblin’s vile rituals with my own eyes.
4. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] A silver-tongued devil bade me feast in his lavishly-appointed banquet hall.
5. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] I ascended a great tower infused with the most powerful of magic.
6. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] I explored a lost fortress buried deep in the Underdark’s bowels.
7. No, I will not share any stories.

: These all might seem the same, but they’re not. The first option is a DC 21. The second, third, and fourth options are DC 18. The last two are DC 16.

: “I explored a lost fortress buried deep in the Underdark’s bowels.”

: “Treasures in the dark, like the dusty anniversary bottle forgotten in the widow’s cellar. Delightful. Delicious. You ask, you drink. Then you amaze, enthuse, astoid me. Again.”

: We go through the same exact thing again, except at higher DCs.

: The stories the second go around are about combat. The DCs work exactly the same way - the higher number options have lower DCs.

: We then have to make a third sleight of hand check. This uses all of Pollux’s rerolls.

: “I - I know you. I knew, I know, I am knowing. You want father’s personal mysterious - (secret) - secret. No, not, never! Father said, ordered, commanded. Don’t say it, don’t say it! The cage. Her cage.”

: “Talk and… perish, die, buried. Buried in Thorm tomb. Father told me.”

: “I can’t perish - no, say, neither. Too strong, too…”

: At this point, Thisobald explodes. We get the same EXP as if we killed him and all of the zombies.

: He doesn’t have much on him. There are a few items in here that are mostly vendor trash or camp supplies.

: One line I missed is that if you ask him who he is, he says he’s Ketheric’s son. As far as I can tell this isn’t literally true, he’s just a zombie Ketheric made for some reason.

: There’s a book hidden under a loose board behind the bar that is used in a different quest. Thisobald’s key unlocks a hidden back room with some stuff we don’t particularly care about in it.

: Let’s move on and start the quest to unlock Pollux’s boyfriend. We could just go right into the house of healing and kill everything, but I might as well show the background.

: “Flame Cullagh - that’s your name, isn’t it? Art Cullagh? I’m Fist J’ehlar.”

: This is the guy that shade mentions seeing. Given that Ketheric died (the first time) over a hundred years ago, and all those shades died before that, it means he’s pretty old.

: “Mm, mm, Thaniel and me are… climb, climb, climbing up a tree…”

: I vote we kill him.

: We… we need you, sir. One of our own’s been taken - a Grand Duke. You might know something that could help us bring him back.

: “We found him out in the shadows, just.. wandering. Nothing survives out there for long. Don’t know how he made it, or where he came from..”

: I never liked this guy. He’s kinda creepy, especially when you know who Thaniel is.

Narrator: This is no physical ailment, it is a spiritual malaise. The man’s mind has been gripped by the Shadowfell .. yet it has not broken.

1. That name he mentioned - ‘Thaniel’. Who is that?
2. Can he hear you?
3. What’s wrong with him?
4. Let me have a look at him.
5. [BARD] I’ve never heard that tune. Might be an original composition.
6. That song - have you heard it before?

: I believe some of these options are different if you’ve killed the shades by the Ketheric statue, but I hadn’t done that yet in this run. This is from Update 15.

: “That name he mentioned - ‘Thaniel’. Who is that?”

: “No idea, I’m afraid. Whoever it is, must be someone important to him. He’s been saying the same thing over and over, ever since we found him.”

: “I’ve never heard that tune. Might be an original composition.”

: “Maybe he was a musician.”

Narrator: You notice the distinctive calluses on the man’s hands - the kind only developed from years of playing the lute. Without a reminder of who he is, of what he held dear, his mind will remain lost to the darkness.

: Translation: We need to find his lute, which is being held by the third Thorm sibling.

: Florrick is here if you saved her, and she’ll tell you she’s going to Baldur’s Gate to get the “Steel Watch”. The Steel Watch are easily the worst point of this entire game.

: “I’ll request that Lord Gortash send some of them to aid in the fight against Moonrise. The curse won’t harm them.”

: “Holy shit. That’s my old boss - the guy who sold me to Zariel!”

Narrator: You know the name Gortash. A counsellor with considerable influence on Baldurian industry and politics.. but he is no Lord.

: “Lord Gortash? I thought he was no more than a counsellor.”

: “Lord Gortash is the man responsible for the creation of the Cybertruck Steel Watch. It’s no wonder he earned the title. The Steel Watch are the future of warfare. Gondian automatons that can be sent into battle without risking any lives - except those of our enemies.”

: You could replace “Steel Watch” with “ED-209” and you have the plot of Robocop.

: “Lord Gortash had only completed work on the prototypes before Ravengard and I left for Elturel, but even they were formidable. With the Steel Watch at our backs, we could storm the tower whatever Ketheric throws at us, I’m sure of it.”

: “Have you ever considered that Gortash and Ketheric are on the same side?”

: “No, because Duke Ravengard and I have the awareness level of a river snail due to RPG writing.”

: “I probably should’ve let you die in that fire.”

: “So Gortash is a lord now. I’d like to clap eyes on this Steel Watch of his. I never really told you the story of me and Gortash, did I? Let me set the stage.”

: “The year? Ten ere. The place? A sleepy little town called Baldur’s Gate. Our hero? Karlach, a knock-kneed delinquent from the Outer City with everything to give and nothing to lose.”

: “Please stop talking like you’re doing an actual play podcast or I’m going to replace you with Minthara.”

: “I was a kid looking for a way to fill my days and make some cash when I fell into the wrong crowd. Gortash. I respected him so much at the time. Turns out the feeling wasn’t mutual.”

: “Through the jigs and reels, he made a deal with Zariel behind my back. You know Zariel, right? Archdevil of Avernus?”

: I’m still working on the character sheets for the Pathfinder thread, but at the end I’m going to have the pngtubers do the final fight of Descent to Avernus and exterminate Zariel.

: The reason it’s taking so long is because the only sheet I know how to do purely from memory is Mara’s, and Callie’s needs two sheets because she’s playing a summoner.

: I wanted an eidolon with sixteen arms, each one holding a different weapon. They nerfed summoner for a reason.

: I also had to refresh myself on a lot of mechanics, which is harder because most of the PFS stuff for 1E isn’t available anymore.

: “She put this thing in my chest and set me to work. I never found out what Gortash got in exchange. This is the kind of man who gets a title. Authority. Makes me sick.”

: The next step is talking to Halsin. I’m not sure why you’d know to do this.

: “The shadow curse is upon us. As foul as I remember it - perhaps even worse. But with the Oak Father’s blessing, we may soon see it banished from these lands.”

: “There’s a Flaming Fist at Last Light. The curse has left him insensible, but he’s muttering about a boy called Thaniel.”

: “He is…? Then I must see him. Insensible or not, he knows something. Thaniel is no ordinary child - he is the very spirit of this land. If this Fist knows where he is, then perhaps we can save him.. save everything.”

: “Why is this nature spirit a child again?”

: “I’ve never figured that part out. Probably because children are creepy and this zone is supposed to be a horror film.”

: And now it’s time to exterminate. The House of Healing was patched on honor mode because of how easy the boss is to cheese.

: We’re going to go in from the street entrance, rather than through the graveyard.

: Walking past the reception desk gets us accosted by a zombie nurse, because we’ve gone from Resident Evil to Silent Hill.

: You can sneak past her and then stab her for a free surprise round. She goes down quickly.

: The nurses all carry these paralyze potions that have a considerably higher DC (15) than most potions do. These won’t do anything against undead, but are useful against people.

: The key unlocks the reception desk for some free healing potions.

: The chest next to it has another key in it we don’t really need, but can take anyway.

: Behind the desk is a skeleton with a ring and a letter about his dead wife. This ring is a pair - the other one is on a skeleton in the graveyard.

: The two rings allow you to use a spell that redirects damage from one party member to another.

Entry 47: We’re being attacked. My brave, beautiful Miranda volunteered to fight - she says it’s her duty as a cleric of Shar. I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to her, but I know she’d be angry if I said anything. I’ll pray to our Lady to keep her safe.

Entry 48: Miranda woke me in full armor - a smile on her face. She got down on one knee and proposed, a beautiful obsidian ring in her hand. Of course, I said yes! As a cleric, she was able to marry us then and there, blessing the rings as she slipped them on our fingers. I’m terrified for her, but I’m also so happy - I knew she loved me. I knew it!

Entry 49: Miranda faced down an entire troop of Harpers, killing every last one. She didn’t have a scratch on her - blessed be the Lady of Loss! I tried to prepare a celebratory meal for her, but I had a dizzy spell. Blood poured from my nose, and Miranda found me passed out on the floor. She told me to rest, and not to bother going to the House of Healing - that it was likely the stress. She’s right, but I’m still scared.

Entry 50: I know Miranda said not to, but I went to the House of Healing. Blood leaks from my nose and ears, and there’s strange wounds all over my body. The nurse just kept asking about the ring, and when I told her we just got married, she looked at me strangely. When I asked her what was wrong, she sent me home - telling me not to come back. There are black spots in my vision, and I can’t feel my legs. What is wrong with me? What is happening?

: She totally played him.

: There’s a note here that’s kinda funny. I’m not gonna bother transcribing it.

: We might as well take this free explosive barrel. No reason not to.

: We could go through this door under what is blatantly the staircase from the Spencer mansion in Resident Evil 1, but we don’t want to do that unless we’re stealthing.

: Like his siblings, the Thorm here can be talked to death. I’ll show that off after we do the fight.

: A zombie doctor and four zombie nurses in a wide-open space is not something we want to deal with, especially when the doctor has magic resistance.

: On honor mode, you have no other choice. The doctor has an ability that was added specifically for honor mode that can pull people through walls and floors.

: To kill the doctor, we’ll use this elevator on top of the staircase. It brings you to the second floor. You can also get to the roof from the graveyard and get in that way.

: Upstairs is a big, circular room that has a hole in the floor designed to let the zombie nurses come after you if you’re up here. We can use that to our advantage.

: The hole leads to this raised platform. The doctor can’t climb because his hands are scalpels.

: Ordinarily, the doctor will request a tool from one of his nurses. If the nurse gets close enough to him, he’ll take it and gets an instakill on the next person he attacks.

: We let the nurses come upstairs, then kill them.

: Make sure to loot their weapons, too. You’ll see why.

: Astarion can climb down the vines to the raised platform on the floor below, and then climb down again, stab the doctor, and disengage to climb back up.

: The reason we loot the nurses is because the doctor can revive them. He can only revive one, and has to be able to see them. In theory, you could throw them off the roof, but that’d take too long.

: From here, you repeat until the doctor dies. It takes forever, but he can’t hit anyone. For extra safety, you can throw one nurse down to the bottom of the first floor and throw things at her when she revives.

: I thought about doing that when I played this, but then I realized it was boring and stupid. There’s an easier way.

: If you go to the far end of the graveyard, there’s a locked door you can easily bash in.

: Then all you have to do is read this book on the desk.

[Every page of this medical text is crisp and unblemished, and every quill-stroke precise. Sharran aphorisms and general philosophies accompany the explicit diagrams and surgical guidelines.]

Only with sacrifice is mastery gained. So has our Lady said, and so I say to you, dearest reader. The darkness is infinite, but a master’s teachings are not. When his wisdom is exhausted and his pupils fully versed, there shall come time for one final lesson. He will become the subject, fully laid bare for his students to consult, examine - and dissect.

The sisters shall one day know me, first in whole, last in part. Only then will they be masters.

: The gloves would be okay if it weren’t for the fact that most fights here on out have that “Fuck you, I make my save” thing we saw with the inquisitor.

: “Come. Step forward. You are no sister, but that matters none. Every student is welcome.”

: I’m going to skip a bit of this cutscene because it’s Malus torturing a guy who is inexplicably here for some reason and not dead from the curse.

: The curse is very much active in here, as you can tell if you try to light any light sources. I have a theory about most of Act 2 that I’m sure is right to some extent.

: My theory goes like this. Act 2 was originally just Moonrise Towers, Last Light, and one other zone we haven’t been to yet (which is the actual point of no return).

: The toll house, bar, and house of healing were originally pieces of Moonrise Towers that the developers removed because otherwise Moonrise would be enormous and a pain to navigate.

1. I don’t wish to study, only to lift the curse on this land.
2. A student, yes. Do please enlighten me.
3. You will stop this sick spectacle at once.
4. What wrong has this man done to deserve such torture?

: “A student, yes. Please do enlighten me.”

Sister Hunna: Absence.

: “Absence. No other word captures the heart of Shar so very perfectly. It is the scapel-led journey that leads from pain to peace.”

: “What the fuck is this loon talking about?”

: “See? What is the light of eyes but the cancer that causes one to witness the laceration of being? If light is the symptom, then darkness is the cure, for in light there is presence, but in darkness there is absence.”

: Also not shown: the guy on the operating table having no eyes, which is weird because he definitely does when the cutscene starts and Malus didn’t have time to remove them.

Sister Hunna: In light is presence, in darkness, absence.

: “But you: look how the succor of Shar eludes you. See how painfully present you remain… we do not wish to see you suffer so. Let us cure you.”

1. [INVESTIGATION] Examine the sisters and their implements.
2. [RELIGION] Recall what you know of Shar’s teachings.
3. [PERSUASION] The sisters aren’t ready. They’ll make me sick instead of curing me.
4. Attack.

: The first two options only need you to roll a 14, while the persuasion roll is a 16. They all end up the same way, and we need persuasion for the next roll, so let’s go with that.

: “The sisters aren’t ready. They can barely hold a scalpel. It’s probably because you suck at necromancy.”

: “Their incisions are, as yet, still streaked with imprecision - that much I must concede. How to steady their hands, I wonder.”

1. [INTIMIDATION] I have read your treatise. Initiate the final lesson, or die by my hand.
2. [PERSUASION] ‘Only with sacrifice is mastery gained.’ For the sisters to learn, you must submit.
3. [PERSUASION] Why not have them hone their skills on each other?

: If you’ve read the book in the doctor’s office, you get these options. The first two need you to roll an 18, while the third needs a 21.

: If you haven’t, you can still achieve the same thing, it’s just a bit harder.

4. [BARD] [PERSUASION] I take joy in performing with a master of my craft - I’m sure the sisters are the same. Why don’t you volunteer?
5. [PERSUASION] They need a better subject to practice on first. Not a student, but a master.

: The options with a class tag are actually a bit easier to make, even if they’re a 21, because you roll twice and take the higher roll. They don’t show up if you’ve read the book.

: “I think you should die.”

: “Yes. Submit I must, into the Lady’s dark-fingered embrace. I see now. By example I must edify and quell the light that blinds us.”

: “Come, sisters. Soothe me.”

: You know, I didn’t think this would do all that much for me but now I want to light them on fire just because.

: If you do it this way, you get experience for the doctor and all the nurses without lifting a finger. You can also tell the nurses to kill each other, which lets you fight the doctor without him having most of his abilities.

: We need the lute for Halsin’s quest, and that’s pretty much all the doctor has.

: This would be useful except most of the bosses we have left aren’t humanoids or are immune to paralysis. It’s more an item built for the boss to use on you than anything.

: We’re not quite done with the house of healing. There’s one more room, plus a second area not attached to the main building.

: Oh man, her parents are super dead. We should raise them as zombies and show them to her.

: The last remaining zombie nurse we haven’t killed is “tending” Arabella’s parents. We can talk her into being a trader.

: Just put all her stuff into this convenient box nearby, and…

: Kill her before she can react. That’s around 1200 gold for free, not to mention a stack of high-end healing potions.

: Finally, if we go out through the back door of the doctor’s office, we reach this hole in the ground. This is the entrance to the morgue, which is a second way into the point of no return.

: We will not be touching that until after Halsin’s quest is complete. For now, we’re just going to kill all the enemies.

: This isn’t even worth a tactics segment. The solution is obvious:

: Most of the enemies are melee. This rock is just big enough to hold four people. Add a couple of summons in the back, and you’ve got an unreachable platform.

: Just keep in mind that the enemies will be able to melee attack anyone sitting near the front.

: Initiating combat gets us the usual surprise round, and before long everything is dead again.

: At worst, one of them might jump up onto the platform, but they’re easy enough to kill before they can do any damage.

: I really need to get a rocket punch or something after all of this.

A reminder, sisters: Do not forget that patients passing through these hallowed halls must needs be stripped of such frivolous items as jewellery, timepieces, and extraneous gold amounts. These burdens can be safely stored in the vault behind the hidden wall, that they not confuse matters between ourselves and Ketheric’s Justiciars. We’d like to avoid misunderstandings, if possible.

: These zombies really aren’t very good at villainous lairs. Come to think of it, how did the doctor write this if his arms are scalpels?

: That’s.. actually a good question. How did he write all those books?

: Inside the secret room is this ring, which is going to be VERY useful for the fun route once we get past the point of no return.

: And this, which goes on Karlach because everyone else can either cast black tentacles already or has something better to cast.

: The doors lead to a hallway full of “dead” zombies sitting on top of gas vents.

: Instead of falling for the obvious trap, we lure the zombies to the door and kill them as they shamble forward.

: The hallway is shaped like a cross. The left room is locked, but we can get in easily enough and find a dead harper.. which also makes no sense because this place is cursed.

: He has a key to the door at the end, and a couple of books. One of them gives an inspiration for Lyselle.

: This room has a lever that unlocks a lever that unlocks the final door, and a bunch of potions. There’s a book of research notes somewhere Lyselle can read for an inspiration.

: And this ring, which I don’t think is ever that useful given that like charm, there aren’t a lot of things that inflict blind.

: And finally, the fart pit. There is a really annoying fight here which I’ll do next update after we finish Halsin’s quest.

: The only item of note here is this cape, which goes on Karlach. We’re not going to go any further because it leads us to the point of no return.

: “La la, Thaniel, etc.”

: “He keeps saying Thaniel’s name - he must know more. We need to rouse him.”

: “I found his lute on an insane zombie doctor.”

: “Good - its music might help restore him. Show it to him.”

: “Thaniel! He’s still trapped there - he needs help!”

: “Calm. Breathe. You’ve been trapped in the Shadowfell for over a century. Take a moment to clear your mind.”

: “A century… you’re Halsin. Thaniel said to find you. You must help him - please.”

: The shadowfell is the elemental plane of shadows. It’s where Shar lives.

: “I will, but I need to know where Thaniel is. If I venture into the Shadowfell blind, I will never find him.”

: “I’m not sure I could put it into words - the landscape there shifts and changes.”

1. Was there anything that could offer guidance? Something that didn’t change.
2. Let Halsin handle this.
3. Don’t tell me I brought you back for nothing.

: “Lavender. Whenever I saw Thaniel, I always smelled lavender.”

: “I can work with that. Rest now.”

: “Meet me by the lakeshore. I have what we need to proceed, but I’ll need your help. Be ready, this may prove.. perilous.”

: We get inspirations for both Pollux and Lyselle. And now, it’s time.

: I remember this part! It’s really annoying. The enemies spawn in from all over, and.. wait a second..

: The wall of barrels strategy!

: We’ve still got a ton of crap up in Isobel’s room. In fact, we’ve got so much crap that we’ve permanently broken the pathfinding. Crates shoot up into the sky if touched. Physics is a suggestion.

: And there were a whole bunch of crates we left behind in the prison, plus the mason’s guild and the toll house!

: Combine those with all those treasure chests we left lying around..

: And we’ve got an impenetrable wall!

: This strategy isn’t perfect, but it’ll do. Ideally, you want the chests on the outer edge because they’re much harder to break.

: This wall consists of every box, barrel and chest from this part of Act 2. That’s all the containers in Moonrise’s prison, the docks, the toll house, the mason’s guild, and the house of healing.

: Even this many isn’t enough to really break the AI. We’d need to go raid some of the Act 1 walls for that.

: “You’re here, good. Now we can begin.”

1. First, I want to know what to expect.
2. Let’s do it.
3. You can begin. I already did my part.

: “Let’s do it, and by it I mean go back to the inn and have a date.”

: “Thaniel is trapped in the Shadowfell, but thanks to your efforts, I know where to look. Now I must go there - alone.”

1. Hold on - shouldn’t I come with you?
2. What am I to do?
3. Sounds like you don’t need my help anymore.

: “Shouldn’t I come with you?”

: “No, because I need you to do a five-wave ‘defend the hacker’ minigame straight out of 2008.”

: “This game sucks.”

: The first wave can be partially broken using walls. These two zombie dogs are trapped and aren’t getting out, so their AI will turn off.

: The only real danger are these three over here. All of them have bows. There are a couple of explosive barrels around the inn, and a few more scattered around here, that you can put there to kill them as soon as they pop up.

: The next wave is zombie ravens and ground tentacles, which can teleport for some reason. Nobody’s teleporting my tentacles.

: Most of the zombies will just sit there attacking the barricade. A few will jump over, but they’re easy enough to handle if they’re alone.

: While it’s certainly tempting to toss a couple of fireballs down there, there’s no point. All of the enemies die after 5 waves and you get the full experience for killing them even if you never hit them.

: Oh, right. The first wave spawns a wraith and three shadows on the right side, which get stuck trying to pathfind.

: The final wave has zombie gith for some reason. These guys can jump the barricade - but only one at a time, because we have that horizontal wall blocking them from spreading out much further.

: At this point, the enemies get stuck on each other because we’re not killing any of them. Where’s a boulder when we need one?

: At the end of the five turn timer, everything dies.

: “It’s done. I have him.”

: “But something’s wrong. Dreadfully wrong. No.. it can’t be..”

: “Why is he a twelve year old boy?”

: “Because writing.”

: “Isn’t that a little creepy, though? I mean, him hanging out with some guy for a full century?”

: “I need to examine him. I need to understand what’s wrong. It’s almost like something’s missing from him. Come see us, when you can.”

: With this, we’ve cleared the Fuck Zone. All that’s left is to clear Halsin’s quest and then finish the point of no return which will lock us out of Act 1.

: Let’s see what would have happened if we had talked to Gerringothe instead of pushing her out a window.

: “WHAT DO YOU BRING?”

1. Who are you?
2. What do you require?
3. I will bring an end to the curse that shrouds this land.
4. I bring.. wine?
5. [BARD] Ballads, sonnets, jigs - the list is endless, really.
6. I bring you death.

: “What do you require?”

: “I REQUIRE GOLD.”

1. It seems to me you have enough.
2. If I give you gold, what do I get in return?
3. I have no more gold.
4. Toss the creature a gold piece.
5. Attack.
6. Leave.

: “Fine. Have a gold piece to fuck off.”

: “ANOTHER. ALL THAT YOU HAVE! YOU MAY PASS THE RIVER, BUT FIRST YOU MUST PAY.”

1. Fine. Take it all.
2. Toss the creature a gold piece.
3. I’ve already paid.
4. You’re a toll collector. Or you were, anyway.
5. [PERSUASION] Why stay in this rotted building? Take your gold and be free.
6. [BARD] [DECEPTION] I’m afraid I’m actually your replacement. You’ve been fired as toll collector.

: “I’m afraid I’m actually your replacement. You’ve been fired as toll collector - terribly sorry.”

: “REPLACE… ME? NO… I REQUIRE GOLD!”

1. [DECEPTION] You’ve been promoted! You’ll collect gold from a much better tollhouse.
2. [PERSUASION] You’ve done a great job here. Really set the standard. But I’ll take it from here.
3. [INTIMIDATION] You dare to question their decision? Leave this place at once!

: “You’ve been promoted! You’ll collect gold from a much better tollhouse.”

: “THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE”

: “You’re right, it doesn’t, does it?”

: Gerringothe explodes for no apparent reason, and we get 58 owlbears of experience for killing her. We still got that much doing it the other way.

: If you do the encounter this way, she doesn’t lose her armor. You still get about half the gold off her corpse.

: The Thorms have an entire two-page spread in the artbook, just in case you were curious about what Thisobald looks like under the hood.

: Personally, I think Gerringothe was an interesting concept. The other two I’m kinda meh on. Malus is too stupid looking to be threatening and Thisobald feels like a rejected Resident Evil villain.

: Finally, this is what happens if you tell Malus to kill himself.

[Timrod]

Summary

: It’s time to kill everyone in Moonrise Towers, here in Baldur’s Gate 3. We’ll kill everything we see - that’s the Mara guarantee. …Fuck.

: We’ll also encounter shadow perverts and ruin a child’s hopes and dreams.

: I liked that song. It’s cute.

: We’ll see how cute you think it is when she makes you practice it EVERY NIGHT FOR THREE MONTHS.

: “Thaniel is resting - but it’s no easy slumber. I discovered what’s wrong with him.”

: As soon as we go back to camp, we get the ability to add Halsin to the party. Unfortunately, Halsin sucks unless he’s respecced. Druid in 2014 5E was a garbage class.

: “The shadows rended him in two when they bore him away to the Shadowfell. Half of his essence remained here, amidst the curse. What stayed behind would have been the strongest part of him, but after all these years left in darkness, corruption must have taken hold.”

1. Tell me how I can help.
2. Can it be undone?
3. How do you know this?

: “Tell me how I can help (get you to go on a date).”

: "It’s both simple and not - we need to find Thaniel’s missing half, and make him whole again.

: "Only, the missing half may not come willingly. The curse will have sunk its tendrils deep, twisting Thaniel’s essence into something.. else.

1. Any ideas on how to find this missing half?
2. You’re sending me to look for a needle in a haystack. In the dark.
3. Once Thaniel’s essence is found, then what?

: “Any ideas on how to find the missing half?”

: “No matter how it’s been twisted by the shadows, it is still part of Thaniel’s essence - it will resemble him somehow, and may show signs of his power. Look for signs of life in the darkness. Wildflowers where everything else is dead. The curse cannot subdue the power Thaniel bears. Not entirely.”

: “In fact, I saw just the sort before, not long after we first came within reach of the shadow curse. Fool that I am, I did not grasp their significance at the time.”

: He then marks a spot on our map. This will be the last real fight before we go after Ketheric. Off-screen, I kidnap all the Act 1 traders and empty their pockets.

: There’s one other spot I want to check out first, and that’s across from the inn. This is where I discover a fun fact.

: This house is part of the Fuck Zone. Now, I’d like you to pay careful attention to the party’s buffs. You might notice that the anti-curse buff from the pixie is gone.

: If you leave Act 2, you lose the buff. This isn’t a big deal because you have a bell that summons the pixie - except you can drop the bell or send it to camp, meaning it’s theoretically possible to softlock yourself.

: This house is pure environmental storytelling - you can find a basket with some wine and two skeletons on a bed next to each other both wearing rings.

: There’s also some armor which by this point is kinda useless.

: No, the reason we came here is to cheese a fight I mostly forgot about. This fight is kinda bullshit, unless..

: Meet the Meenlock. These things are annoying little pieces of shit. Like the shadows, they can teleport into dark areas.

: Unlike the shadows, they have an aura that requires you to save or get hit with fear. Notably, they don’t have a ranged weapon - probably because of the teleport.

: Right nearby is this box, which has a ring that we don’t care about. We’re here for the box.

: A couple of these up here block the upper route to where the party is.

: And two more down here block the lower path.

: Last Light has plenty of torches handy, so we’ll borrow a bunch and light up the room. This stops them from teleporting.

: Most of them will sit still or waste their turn dashing. Occasionally, they’ll decide to attack the barricade - but they can’t do enough damage to even scratch the paint on the chests.

: They knew how to build them back then.

: Most of the meenlocks arent carrying anything, but one of them is. This hat is one of the best items for Astarion and will not be replaced until nearly the end of the game.

: The meenlock room has a wall that can be broken which connects to Last Light’s cellar.

: Apart from a lot of booze, the only thing of value is this explosive barrel. Let’s go deal with Thaniel.

: On the way, we run into that shadow cursed shambling mound from earlier. Let me show you the cheese strat. It’s not worth a tactics segment.

: What you do is jump over here, and stick as close to the building as possible. This prevents the shambling mound from pulling you to it.

: From there, wait until they bunch up and kill one of the needle blights. The chain reaction of explosions will take off probably half of the shambling mound’s HP.

: We get a ring that allows someone to set themselves on fire, and more importantly an empty treasure chest. We’re going to need these, because the theme of this update is barricades.

: Thaniel’s other half is inside the building we were using for cover, and as soon as we go inside there’s a cutscene.

: “Boo! I scared you - I saw it. Nobody beats me at hide and seek.”

Narrator: Though shrouded in shadows, the child’s resemblance to Thaniel is unmistakable. This must be his dark half - warped by the curse.

: “Will you play with me?”

1. I know who you really are, and where you really belong. You need to reunite with Thaniel.
2. Who are you?
3. Play? This is no place for a child - if that’s even what you are.
4. Don’t startle people like that - easy way to end up killed by mistake.
5. In a moment, maybe. Have you seen another little boy? His name is Thaniel.
6. [BARD] I can play you a little song - would you like that?

: “I know who you really are, and where you really belong. You need to reunite with Thaniel so I can have snuggle time with Halsin.”

: “Spoilsport. I’m not going back. I like it here - I’ve made a family for myself, I get to play all the time.”

: “Don’t make this harder than it has to be. Either I get my boyfriend or I’m installing the killable children mod and throwing you off a cliff to join that dipshit from Monster Hunter: Wilds.”

: “But.. but.. Arkveld wanted to be free! I hate you!”

: Stop right there. Reload your save from before you talked to Oliver. We’re about to walk into an ambush, and fuck that.

: The first thing we’re doing is going back to camp to load up on empty chests.

: The ambush happens near the statue, on the side going to the graveyard where Arabella was. Make a barricade and get everyone but Astarion inside.

: It probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to switch out your party so that you have Halsin (respecced to a fighter), Shadowheart, and Minthara, and fill the empty space with garbage.

: As soon as you walk through that portal, the game teleports the person who walked through it (and anyone within conversation range) to this spot.

: The little shit will spend every turn summoning shadow children, who hit for a surprising amount of damage. That’s not the bad part.

: If everyone goes through the portal, they’ll be clustered up. One of the wraiths has an area of effect sleep spell. Being asleep gives enemies guaranteed hits. You can see where this is going.

: This encounter is one of the first I’d say is truly badly designed. The AI is set to gang up on anyone who gets slept, and on the run where I didn’t build the barricade they killed Lyselle and Karlach without either getting a turn.

: Oliver is protected by a dome, which reflects damage dealt to it. The only way to bring it down is by killing enough of the shadows.

: I forgot about the shadow owlbear. Is it worth experience?

: None of the shadows are.

: The barricade is 100% effective against everything except the owlbear.

: Once the owlbear is down, alchemist fires will take care of the shadow kids and break the barrier.

: Just make sure that someone can get in conversation range before the barrier dies, otherwise the fight will keep going.

: “Why couldn’t you just leave me alone? Why can’t I just stay here, playing? I had everything I’ve ever wanted, right here, and you’ve ruined it!”

: Someday I was going to grow up and make a shadow anime wife and we were going to get married!

: “I’m not leaving - you can’t make me!”

1. You don’t have to leave. All you have to do is lend Thaniel your strength.
2. You’re just a thieving shadow that thinks it’s a child. Playtime’s over - Thaniel’s waiting.
3. You have what you want, but not what you need: Thaniel. He’s your friend, your kin, - he’s you.
4. People are dying for the sake of your fun, kid.

: “You have what you want, but not what you need: Thaniel. He’s your friend, your kin, - he’s you.”

: People wonder why Superman was such a jerk to Jimmy Olson, and it’s because Jimmy Olson is this kid.

: “He’s nothing to me. He left me here, all this time. I had to do everything for myself! Even when it was scary. Even when I was alone. I didn’t give up.”

1. Nobody’s to blame here. The curse tore you two apart - now you can be reunited.
2. You were very brave and resourceful. Think of how much you’ll be able to help Thaniel.
3. Enough coddling - you’re going back to Thaniel - now.

: “Nobody’s to blame here. The curse tore you two apart - now you can be reunited.”

: “But would he even want me back? I’ve changed. A lot.”

: “Of course he will. You’re bound to each other - always.”

: “So I wouldn’t have to be alone anymore? He’d stay with me? Play with me? I’d like that. And he would too, I think. All right, I’ll do it. I want to do it.”

: Oliver teleported to camp, where he was promptly kidnapped by Minthara and sacrificed to Lolth. No, really.

: See, the game doesn’t expect that you’re going to have Minthara and Halsin at the same time, even though the developers intentionally made it far easier to do.

: The developers never fixed the issue of Minthara’s camp taking up the same spot as Halsin’s. As far as I am aware, Minthara will always over-write Halsin’s tent if she is present.

: Fortunately, there’s a mod that fixes it. The mod wasn’t released until late 2024, after it was clear Patch 8 wouldn’t fix the bug.

: I’m going to paraphrase the last quest because it’s dumb and bad.

: This guy is a “shadar-kai”, which is some kind of weird BDSM pervert elf from Ravenloft. He wants to perform a seance to punish this lady for reporting people to Ketheric.

: I didn’t understand this quest when I did it. She’s the bar server from Thisobald’s bar, but she would have died over a hundred years ago.

: This is one of the quests where Minthara can potentially break her oath. The pervert wants the diary we found in the bar in order to.. I dunno.

: One thing I missed in Thisobald’s is that there’s another Potion of Angelic Slumber in a chest near the entrance. I think you can grab this without getting into the cutscene.

: I only went back because I killed Thisobald but forgot to save, so I had to go back and do it again.

: Anyway, the pervert (and yes, there is a dialog option where he admits he gets off to this) does the seance and the bar server inhabits his body.

: You can either forgive her, humiliate her, have her stab herself… or have her kill herself, which initiates combat with the elf.

: Or we can kill him. Let’s kill him.

: If you don’t kill him, you get these gloves that let you summon a raven. If you do, you get nothing.

: And he’s dead, quest over. Before we go into the point of no return, I want to show one last thing off.

: Right next to the house of healing is this arch. This is the site of the first gith ambush that Voss mentioned way back in Act 1.

: Stepping too close to the arch makes a bunch of gith spawn in from nowhere. This fight is actually pretty difficult, since the gith can teleport and have all that fanfiction bullshit the other gith have.

: On honor mode, the gith in the center of the arch gets bonuses every time one of her soldiers dies. On tactician, she merely does a shitload of damage.

: I did this fight without any “tactics”, and the gith immediately teleported to Lyselle, killed her before she could act, and then killed Pollux.

: These gith piss me off. Barricades won’t work because they can jump and teleport. We have no choice but to block off every space they could possibly stand.

: This breaks the pathfinding so hard that going near those boxes will cause people to go out of bounds.

: With enough boxes, you can do just about anything.

: Have everyone hide and take out the gith closest to the barricade. Karlach runs in, gets two swings off, and then pushes the head gith off the arch.

: The head gith is an eldritch blast spammer who has knockback on her blasts. Don’t let anyone stand on that arch, or she’ll knock you off for an instant kill.

: The melee gith on the lower level get confused, while the ranged ones resort to using multi-target shots for far less damage than their melee would do.

: Our reward is this pair of bracers, which I suppose are okay if you have a caster who really needs to make a strength save. I’m not sure why you’d ever need to cast mage hand as a bonus action.

: Down the road is the path to the city, which is currently occupied by a raid camp.

: I call bullshit. Where’d they get all these goblins from? How did they get them all into one place without it devolving into an orgy or infighting?

: Very powerful mind control, or drugs. Or both.

: More importantly, when do we get to kill them?

Narrator: The countless distant silhouettes leave you no doubt - a veritable army swarms the path ahead.

: “There’s a point where bravery becomes stupidity. And walking into that would be very, very stupid.”

: “Why? They all think we’re true souls. They let us into the camp, we stab a few of them, and then set up explosives. There’s really no reason we shouldn’t be able to do this.”

: Oh, FUCK this!

: “Wait, how does any of this make sense? Where the hells were.. oh, right. We’re in the body pit underneath the prison. Which still begs the question of who threw us here when everyone in the prison is dead.”

: “This is a bullshit plot contrivance.”

: All that’s down here are two hook horrors, which Karlach can take by herself at this point. Note that this is one too few hook horrors to make another elixir of vigilance.

: The exit comes out into the tunnel to the boat. We could go right to the next major set piece, but technically Pollux doesn’t know why.

: “That drunken zombie told us about the Thorm mausoleum, and we know where that is, but we might as well exterminate the tower first.”

: Plus, I forgot to kidnap one of the traders. Remember that Zhentarim lady from the goblin camp?

: She has what is probably the best hand crossbow in the game once she goes to Moonrise. We could just buy it off her, but she doesn’t show up in Act 3 as a trader.

: I should mention why it’s the best hand crossbow - there’s a bug (still not fixed in Patch 8) where if you’re wielding two weapons, your off-hand will always do the same damage type as your main hand, so Astarion’s off-hand crossbow will do force damage.

: The key here is making sure you don’t accidentally turn all of Moonrise hostile. This means taking her to Last Light is a no-go. Why?

: Because entering combat with her causes her guards to go hostile. We need a better approach.

: By taking her somewhere that has the curse, she’ll get hit by it. It takes a minute to kill her, but it eventually will out-damage her out of combat heal.

: This runs the “make NPC a zombie” script, which prevents the guards from becoming hostile.

: Now I know what you’re wondering. “Mara”, you say, “If you can kidnap the trader to the curse zone, can’t you do this to everyone in Moonrise?” Let’s find out.

: The answer is yes. We can even kill them when they’re at low HP for the experience, but keep in mind they’ll come back as a zombie anyway.

: “Oi! You! You seen me mate? E went missin’, 'long with a few others.”

: “Karlach, kill.”

: “AAAAAAAAAAGH FUCK! IT HURTS!”

: “I think we’ve got a song for this one.”

: ONE, NOTHING WRONG WITH ME

: Two, nothing wrong with me!

: Three, nothing wrong with me!

: I don’t get it.

: Neither do I.

: You actually can’t kill everyone this way. There are two or three half-orcs who are too heavy to lift, even for Karlach.

: What you can do is kidnap everyone except the half-orcs and then kill them afterward. On tactician, this is a bit harder because there are floating eyes hovering about.

: Zrell is on the second floor, with a necromancer and some skeletons. We want to talk to her so we can kill the necromancer - otherwise, the necromancer will join the boss fight.

: By the way, if you let the drider get all the way here, he ALSO joins the boss fight. Don’t do that. From this point forward, I’m going to do a run without kidnapping anyone while also exterminating all the cultists.

: Before we go anywhere near Zrell, the first thing we want to do is go into the room next door, close the door, and wait for the patrolling eye to come in here. This is our first free kill.

: The room we were just in has a door leading outside, where these two cultists are sitting.

: These are also free kills, since the eye is dead and no one is anywhere near them.

: “General Thorm’s prayers and preparations must not be disturbed. The rooftop is off-limits to everyone.”

Radija: "Even you, Disciple Z’rell?

: “Everyone. Keep watch, and ensure that nobody passes. Excellent timing, True Soul.”

: “The goblins - tell me how they suffered. No. Better yet - show me.”

Narrator: Her mind enters yours abruptly, flickering across your memories in a blaze of excitement. She sees the goblins walking free, and a burning rage fans across your mind like wildfire.

: “Explain yourself.”

1. [DECEPTION] Dead, they’re a waste. Free, they spread the word of the Absolute.
2. [PERSUASION] They won’t get far. Let the curse take them, and save us the job of cleaning up their innards.
3. You said I could do whatever I wanted with them - so I did.

: “They won’t get far. Let the curse take them, and save us the job of cleaning up their innards.”

: “Very pragmatic. But very boring. Let’s see if there’s anything interesting in this brain of yours.”

Narrator: She parts the folds of your mind again, touching your wants and hopes. Tasting them. Every emotion soaks into her mind’s palate, but there is purpose to her exploration - she is searching for proof of your faith."

1. [PERSUASION] Distract her with thoughts of your romantic desires.
2. [DECEPTION] Fake it - fill your mind with love for the Absolute.
3. Distract her by drawing her toward your hunger for power.
4. [WISDOM] Overwhelm her by unleashing a wave of hatred as you prepare to attack.

: “Perfect. You crave what all True Souls should - to be touched by the Absolute. I have already been blessed to stand in her presence. It was bliss. She gave me everything I wanted.”

: “You had sex with the Absolute?”

: “No, I want to murder things.”

: “Oh, that’s great. I also want to murder things.”

: “You’re going to try and kill me as soon as this is done, aren’t you?”

: “Not just try. Succeed.”

: “Whatever, go find Ketheric’s necromancer buddy and get a relic from him, he’s in the family crypt, his name is Balthazar and he’s a fat lich.”

: “You can go into his room if you need a moonlantern, since our supply carrier mysteriously vanished along with half the people in this tower. Just watch out for his cursed porn stash. It’s trapped.”

: “I lost you like two minutes ago. I look forward to murdering you.”

: We get some experience for making Zrell think we’re a cultist. Let’s get back to killing.

: One side note: you can ask Zrell to “demonstrate her power”, which will make her kill the ogre somehow, though you never see her do it.

: Z’rell leaves into the room we killed the eyeball in, and now the necromancer and her skeletons are free kills.

: If Z’rell kills her ogre off, she’s alone in the room next door, so we can kill her off.

: She carries nothing but vendor trash. More importantly, we now have an entire section of the second floor cleared.

: One of the other doors leads to this central circular hallway. The guards will tell us to fuck off if we go inside, but we can open the door with the key you can get from any guard here.

: This guy is annoying because he’s a paladin and he has an eye with him. At this point, it’s possible you may need to long rest to restore your spell slots from killing the eyes.

: This door leads to Ketheric’s room, guarded by his skeleton dog. You can easily talk your way past her.

: You can also pet her before sending her to hell.

: Did we really need to kill the dog?

: Yes.

: Most of the rooms up here only really matter if Gale is your main character, or if you care about him. We don’t. Gale is only ever really plot relevant if you’re playing as him.

Confidential: Dictated to Scribe Yanthus by General Kethric

Young Gortash’s plan to enslave an illithid elder brain and make it our marionette under control of the Crown of Karsus has proceeded almost without flaw, barring the slight delay while our Bhaalist allies sorted out their leadership conflict. The weak point must surely be the sharing of the Netherstones - it was necessary to secure my engagement and that of the murder cult, but eventually it’s certain to fracture our fragile alliance. Clearly, all three Netherstones must be controlled by a single leader - me, by preference - but not until after all the stakeholders have made their essential contribution. Gortash fears that, energized by the dark energies of the Crown, the brain we now call the Absolute will eventually metamorphose into something new and more difficult to control. If he’s right, the need to invest the power of the Netherstones in a single wielder is urgent. Even more so in that Enver Gortash, at least, must be thinking the same way.

: That’s too much to bother to read, but what kind of villain writes down their evil plan and leaves it under the floorboards, especially when their plan is to kill their partners?

: No one said the villains were particularly good at their jobs.

: Sorry, went to get a drink. Did somebody find my hit list? I keep it under my bed in the box labeled “MARA’S, DO NOT TOUCH”.

: Case in point, I suppose.

: There’s not much else in here apart from this cape and some more lore dumps. We’ve already had the entire rest of the plot spoiled at this point, and I don’t know why the devs did that.

: Next door is Ketheric’s daughter’s room. I wonder who she could be?

: There’s another mimic!

: Thanks for the heads up.

: This necklace is kind of interesting if you’re an eldritch blast build, because at 10th level you can force enemies to make a save or fall prone each turn if all three of your rays hit.

: At this point, we’ve extracted most of the stuff we really need from the top of the tower. Now we can focus on killing the guards downstairs.

: I should note that the game does not expect you to do this. In fact, it very much expects you to not do this because it kinda breaks something later.

: The trick to killing everyone in the tower is to approach it from the top down. This is because of the fucky way stealth works in this game.

: First up are these two guards closest to the stairs. If attacked from behind, none of the other guards in this room will alert unless you go down the stairs.

: We reach 9th level, which isn’t particularly interesting. Lyselle and Pollux get some new, underwhelming spells. Astarion gets a third level in fighter and lowers his crit threshold by another 1.

: Killing the upper stair guards leaves a hole in the guard sight lines, which we can use to take the two guards on the lower staircase out from behind.

: Just two guards left, and both are paladins. Make sure all of the doors are closed, and then take them out.

: We’ll skip the main room with the traders in it and go over here. There are two guards and an ogre, but the door going back into the main hallway starts broken.

: Keep everyone back here and kill the ogre.

: If you’re lucky, only the cleric will see you. If not, you have to deal with both the cleric and the paladin. The cleric is a pushover.

: If the paladin died near the door, looting him will alert the merchant’s guards. They’re not a challenge. Otherwise, shooting them from inside this room should suffice.

: Half of the main room gets lured in here and is quickly exterminated. Remember to box up all the bugbear merchant’s items so they all drop on death.

: And with that, everyone that matters is dead, except an eye that got stuck on a box in the corner and noticed nothing.

: This is one of the side rooms off the room at the bottom of all the stairs, where we killed all those guards. The drow here is the source of one of the only permanent stat increases in the game.

: “Hi I’m a drow and also really horny for blood. Have I mentioned I belong to a noble house that got kicked out of Menzoberranzan for being too weird?”

: “I can believe it. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t kill you.”

: “Because if you let your vampire slave bite me I’ll give you a permanent +2 stat increase to strength.”

: “I suddenly take issue with this even though I would sell my soul and all my holes for power.”

: “He’s not my slave.”

: “Look, I need this to get off because everyone in Act 2 is a sex pervert.”

: I like how he’s all “Don’t worry I’m friendly” despite being fucking covered in blood from killing everyone else in the tower.

: “Fuck off.”

: “Tell your slave to suck me.”

: “Her blood is fucking disgusting.”

: “Just do it.”

: “We’re going to have SUCH a talk later about our relationship.”

: “We don’t have a relationship.”

: “OH BABY MOMMY’S GONNA CUUUUUUUM”

: “OH FUCK THAT’S FUCKING DISGUSTING!”

: “Here Karlach, drink this fucked up blood potion so we can kill this bitch.”

: “Yummy! I love blood!”

: “But if you don’t kill me I show up in Act 3 with a buff that makes your blood explode on hit.”

: Araj is hilariously broken. If attacked, she sprints full tilt in a t-pose through the wall. This also happens if she’s robbed.

: The only other room here is the kitchen, where we find this halfling who has mind-slaved a bunch of gnolls and is attempting to “civilize” them.

: If you make a wisdom check, you can turn them on her and have them kill her instantly. You still get the experience.

: At this point, we have nothing left to do but go to the mausoleum and find Balthazar. Everyone else is dead.

: The mausoleum is behind the house of healing. MAKE SURE that if you plan on using Astarion that you either have him use a scroll of disguise self or keep him split from the party and FAR, FAR AWAY FROM DIALOG RANGE.

: Great, this smug prick again.

: “Our hero thought but of treasure ahead, did not consider the peace of the dead.”

: “Through the dark he went creeping, and awoke what was sleeping.. a new grave they dug, which he himself fed.”

: “How long did you spend practicing that?”

: “Three days. I’ve grown quite fond of you, you know - in my way. I thought it only fair to warn you about the dangers ahead.”

: “I can handle myself, demon.”

: “Intrepid as ever. It would be pointless of me to try to bar you from entering, but I can.. set the scene, as it were. Prepare you for your role.”

1. Fine, paint me a picture.
2. How do you even know there’s danger ahead?
3. I know my role even if you don’t: killing Ketheric.
4. Just cut to the chase, will you.

: “Whatever gets you to shut up as quickly as possible.”

: “There is a stage down in the dark upon which a great drama has suspended itself in time. Its actors dwell there still, mired in the languor of their long-tired scenes.”

: “There is a creature that lurks in silence and shadow - a creature who, like me, is very much of the infernal persuasion. Should it make its way out through the very doors you are about to brazenly swing open, you’ll have unleashed a pestilence upon this realm.”

: “In truth, it is carnage incarnate. So if you meet the devil of which I speak, kill it. Consider no other course of action.”

: “Nah.”

: The mausoleum has a special buff that allows you to cast anything that summons undead without needing bodies to spawn them from.

: In the earlier patches, this was a big deal because bodies disappeared after one long rest, making it very difficult to raise skeletons.

: I should mention that we need to bring Shadowheart in or she’ll get real bitchy. If you make it to the point of no return without her, she leaves entirely.

Skull: “Nere, Z’rell, Minthara - whoever you are, leave. I shall carry out General Thorm’s will alone.”

: We’re not going to go very far into this next area in this update for two reasons. The first is that the next zone is pretty long, and the second is that I have a title for it that I want to use.

: What this will allow me to do, especially now that I’ve cross-posted the LP, is post a poll. There’s a demon in these ruins, and we have a couple of options for dealing with him.

: One thing we could do is kill him. This gets us a very good hand crossbow, but might have repercussions later. We could also spare him, which would definitely piss off Raphael.

• Kill the Demon
• Spare the Demon

: Right ahead is the door to the next area. I’m skipping some side rooms full of Ketheric’s angsty livejournal.

: There are three portraits with buttons under them. We have to trace Ketheric’s life story using them - all you have to do is press the buttons in the order I just laid out.

: Pressing them in the wrong order sets off the traps, which dump poison gas into the room that then gets lit on fire by spitting gargoyle heads.

: Before we go, there’s a chest in a corner we can unlock for a cape that I throw on Lyselle.

: Next time, we’ll cheese the trials of Shar. We’ll also fight Ketheric, then fight Ketheric’s fanfiction form before moving on to Act 3.

: Before we go, I should mention what happens if Astarion gets to talk to Raphael - Raphael offers to translate his scars in exchange for killing the demon. If you don’t kill the demon, Astarion leaves the party forever.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3! Today, we’re going to finish the last area of Act 2 and fight Ketheric!

: Welcome to the Gauntlet of Shar. This dungeon is about finding ways to cheese puzzles.

Narrator: “Cross from light into darkness; give your life to the shadows.”

Shar: “Shar’s warriors must not be caught, must not be tricked. Only loss awaits the unworthy.”

: Let me explain how this room works. The statue at the center has a force field around it that will push anyone who gets too close to the edges of the room.

: The goal is to get the room completely dark. There are eight of these “mystic thuribles” that have to be shut off, but they’re too high up to interact with.

: The room is filled with vent traps, which are linked to pressure plates in those little corner alcoves.

: Disarming the plates (or jumping past them) gets you access to a lever, which lowers one of the lamps down.

: This is one solution, though we’d have to put away the Blood of Lathander due to the light it sheds.

: A much, much faster solution is to use Frost Bolt to put out the lamps from range. You can use thrown water bottles as well.

: The other solution is to simply teleport inside the rune circle and avoid the force field altogether.

: Making the room dark shuts off the force field - I did try using the route the new rune circle shows and it doesn’t work unless the puzzle is solved.

Shar: “Welcome, child. Follow my voice and prove your worth.”

: The statue room has a few hallways coming off it that don’t go anywhere.

: The developers really loved their obvious traps.

: Let’s send Astarion down there in stealth.

: Cloakers are evil manta rays that, true to their name, can disguise as a cloak. They also disguise as one-piece swimsuits and underwear, but fortunately aren’t very good at either.

: Cloakers in 3.5E are a CR 5 monster, which means they wouldn’t even pose a threat to a 9th level party. In 5E, they were upgraded to a CR 8. The BG3 devs took some liberties with the rules here.

: The cloaker has its extra attacks removed, but instead gets to make clones of itself that can do damage. It also gets a surprise round if you don’t spot it.

: Of course, if you see the stealth messages you can figure out pretty easily where the cloaker must be. Toss a couple of explosives down there and it can’t do anything.

: No, seriously. Being up here breaks the pathfinding algorithm and breaks the cloaker’s scripting. It’s a free kill.

: Below the cloaker is a door that leads to a kitchen that looks nearly identical to the one we saw back in the forge in Act 1.

: Do demons eat, or has that soup been there for a century?

: Of course they do.

: Mara! Are you gonna sit there, or are you gonna help out? We need someone at the bar.

: Oh fuck. Do the rest without me. I swear, you’d think some of these kids would realize that they have eternity on their hands.

: Down the hall from the kitchen is this altar with a bunch of rats worshiping it. If you have Speak with Animals active, it gives us a major hint for a quest we haven’t done yet.

: “Unworthy! Unworthy to walk among friendly bones! Leave!”

: “Who are you talking about?”

: “Talking of you - intruder, invader, unworthy one! These halls are not for you!”

: The real hint comes if you kill one of them.

: “You kill many, but many remain. Stop. Spare our lives, or face my teeth and claws. Every little death fills my head with more thoughts. It’s too much - too painful. Kill one more of us, and you will pay.”

: “What are you, exactly?”

: “An ordinary rat alone. But together? Something more. Some remember turning away from the sun. Some remember donning a black cloak. Some remember plunging a blade into an innocent heart.”

: “But we all remember a name. Lyrthindor. We share who he was.”

: “Are you telling me you’re one person turned into a swarm of rats? How can that be?”

: “It shouldn’t be. We should be one, long dead. Instead we are many - scurrying, hiding, surviving. We are just crumbs of a life. Harmless nothings, unless you test us. Leave us in peace.”

: We know that this guy is probably a Shar worshiper and that being a swarm of rats would probably make him hard to find.

: Behind the rats is this altar. It’s kind of useless if you saved Isobel - it provides a one-time buff that halves necrotic damage taken in exchange for a DC 14 religion check.

: Isobel’s buff already does that, so we don’t need it.

: This next room is Balthazar’s, and has a fight that is a pain in the ass on higher difficulties unless you know how it works.

: The idea here is that you want people who have multi-target ranged attacks and high mobility.

: “You prowl my battleground - why? Are you friend? Foe? Thieving scavengers?”

Narrator: You find yourself in a dead, putrid skull - somehow hosting a tadpole amongst a squirm of maggots. Another presence lurks within, manipulating the corpse like a puppet.

: “Ah. A friend - an uninvited friend. I did not request help.”

1. Z’rell sent me, looking for someone called Balthazar.
2. Who am I really speaking to?
3. I am no friend of yours - whatever you are.
4. Attack.

: If you didn’t talk to Z’rell, the first option won’t be available.

: “Z’rell sent me, looking for someone called Balthazar. I know that’s you talking through the skeletons.”

: “Did she now? Enter - I will see if I have any use for you.”

: “Stinking pile of ogre afterbirth! The quakes herald the shadows - they’ve found me!”

: I wish Mara was here, because there’s something funny we can do here. We’d need Lyselle for that, unless I have a spare Knock scroll somewhere.

: This is an easy fight. The purple things pop out one of those armor ghosts once a turn unless they’re destroyed.

: A few more portals spawn each round, and a big one spawns in the middle on the third turn.

: If you do it fast enough, you can win this without ever fighting the ghosts. You have a bunch of weak skeletons to help you with the one ghost that spawns at the start.

: Balthazar is in this room behind a locked door with an unlock DC of 30. The door unlocks after combat.

: But what if we didn’t give a shit about Balthazar? He doesn’t have any plot items, and while we would miss out on some loot, it’s not much.

: The answer is we can have Astarion lockpick Balthazar’s door after the portals show up.

: This forces Balthazar, his three ghouls, and his flesh golem into the fight. At this point, shit gets a little glitchy.

: Most of the time what happens is that the game counts you as being on Balthazar’s side unless you leave combat. Balthazar likes using Cloudkill, which is very effective on the ghosts.

: Eventually, the big portal spits out this guy, and by that point Balthazar is probably overrun. We still get experience for any ghosts Balthazar kills.

: Then near the end we can sneak Astarion away from combat before sniping Balthazar just before the ghosts get him. This gets us the full 350 experience from killing him.

: The only problem is that now we have a room full of angry Shar ghosts who don’t despawn. Let’s go back to the regular save file.

: “Ah, the interloper - and in one piece as well. Not an entirely uninteresting specimen, for one naturally-born. Not just any True Soul would have succeeded in following my path through this place. You should be pleased.”

1. Balthazar, I presume? Z’rell sent me. She thinks you’re in danger of failing your master.
2. I fought a battle right under your nose - help would have been useful.
3. True Soul? Bold of you, to assume I’m a comrade.
4. Naturally-born? That’s a strange thing to hold against someone.
5. Attack.

: “Balthazar, I presume? Z’rell sent me. She thinks you’re in danger of failing your master.”

: “General Thorm…? Rubbish. Everything is at hand here - Z’rell merely envies the General’s faith in me. I am in the midst of a grand strategy.”

: “But you’re here now, and I may be able to put those limbs to work. You know what’s at stake here, I take it?”

: I’m not going to bother transcribing the options because they’re all one in the same - you can find out Balthazar isn’t his real name if you’re a bard.

: If you went through Balthazar’s room, there’s a book you can find that tells you the relic he’s searching for is the Nightsong. Pointing this out to him causes him to attack.

: “Z’rell said Ketheric wants you to find a relic. That’s all I know.”

: “General Thorm to you. But yes, recovering the relic is the crux of it. He commands, and I, his humble servant, fulfill that command. While you, an infinitely more humble servant, fulfill my command. I will put you to work - as a scout.”

: “So you need my help - what would I have to do?”

: “I do not need you, or your help. But you are here in spite of that, so I may as well make use of you. The relic is close, but the way is barred and Shar’s dead are… uncooperative. Clear the path for me - by blade, cunning, or whatever it takes.”

: “I’d trust this gasbag about as far as I can throw him - which isn’t far. But perhaps better to play along, for now.”

1. I’ll see what I can do.
2. What exactly will you be doing while I’m out risking myself.
3. [PERSUASION] You have resources to spare - give me something to aid my search.
4. This sounds like your problem, not mine.

: If you pick the third option, you get a bell that summons Balthazar’s flesh golem in combat. We’re going to do this, because we desperately need reputation with Shadowheart.

: We’re not going to do that, because someone voted for it. As it turns out, that’s the correct answer: you can still get the hand crossbow that way, it just takes some doing.

: “Have I mentioned that Flesh is my unborn twin and I keep my mommy in a jar in on the shelf?”

: “Just give me the bell so I can exterminate you.”

: We’re going to go and use the bell in one of the only two places it’d be useful.

: Down the hall is a fast travel point. We could have come here if we had gone a different route from the room with the statue in it, but I intentionally wanted to meet Balthazar first.

: If we walk past this hallway a bit further down, a displacer beast walks off screen. This is the demon’s pet. We could sneak up and get the drop on it if we wanted to kill the demon.

: Meet Yurgir. He’s the demon Raphael wants us to kill. If we attack the displacer beast, we fight him and eight merregons, plus the displacer beast.

: Yurgir himself isn’t particularly difficult, and we could probably take him, but we’re not going to.

: Instead, we want to go down the other route from the warp point. This leads to the trials, which we have to do in order to progress.

: “Countless initiates walked these halls once, seeking to become Dark Justiciars. I will follow in their path. I will succeed.”

: We’re going to take the middle door, which leads to the “Self-Same” Trial. This is the easiest one to cheese, and how we’re going to take out the flesh golem.

Narrator: The bowl contains an ancient, rust-colored bloodstain. It forms a neat disc, as if spilled calmly and willingly.

: If your approval with Shadowheart isn’t near the top of the bar, you want to have your main character examine the bowls at the start of each trial.

: If you’re going to do this trial, the easy way to do it is to take off all your armor and weapons before starting it.

: Shadowheart will ask to bleed on the thing, and letting her do that gets you approval. I mentioned why we need approval, but I never talked about the second point system.

: The second point system is called Nightsong Points, and they come to a head at the end of this dungeon. There are a total of six, and you need at least four to persuade her.

: The six points are:

• One for making a DC 18 religion check after the wolf dream (or using the owlbear scroll)
• One for using specific dialog options following that check
• One for seeing Shadowheart’s wound flare up four times and asking her about it
• One for feeding Shadowheart the noblestalk from the underdark
• One for giving Shadowheart a night orchid
• One for letting Shadowheart start a trial by bleeding on it

: On Patch 7, this is nearly impossible to do. As you’ve already seen, the wolf dream is really buggy, so that locked us out of the first two points.

: The point for seeing her wound flare up is virtually unobtainable in Patch 7 - it was only fixed in Patch 8. This means we’re completely locked out.

: “Oh no.. I know the gimmick now. Four clones for four people. We’ve got evil Astarion..”

: “I’m evil Astarion. I want a cute, stable boyfriend who can fix what’s wrong with me, and I’m not mentally unstable at all.”

: “Can we keep that first one? I think we should keep that first one.”

: “No.”

: “I’m evil Shadowheart. I’m also mentally stable and not played by a sixteen year old girl emulating an actual play podcast.”

: “You know what? I’m siding with the clones.”

: “Tsk’va! I’m Evil Ka’r’lach! I like abusing punctuation and using stupid fantasy slang!”

: “All of the clones except that one. We can get rid of that one. Also, why is Evil Karlach a gith.. actually, wait, that makes sense.”

: “I’m evil Pol-nya-x! I’m constantly nude and drink heavily and I’m dating Evil Gale.”

: “Okay and that one. That one fucking dies.”

: If all the clones are nude, you can run up and kill them all fairly easily. There’s only one rule: each character can only attack their clone until the clone dies.

: Breaking the rule gives you a -1 to all stats, which stacks up to a -4. This is cured on long rest. But you know what that rule doesn’t apply to? Summons.

: Speaking of summons, I wonder if Mara’s done yet.

: That’s my hit list, not hers. And you want to know who’s on top? All you goddamn reporters, and then that fucker with a TV for a head!

: I told him not to leave that where people could find it.

: Sorry, folks. What he meant to say was that we had some hustle in the first quarter, but then had a distinct drop in our hustle count around 6 minutes into the second. We’re going to continue to build hustle until we beat the Chiefs. Does anyone have any questions?

: How did you even get here?

: Football.

: How are you gonna get out?

: Football, and also rocket boots.

: Beating the clones gets you this ring, which guarantees a critical once per long rest. On Tactician, I was able to do this with just Astarion and Karlach against naked clones.

: It also gets us this gem, which we need to progress the plot. The only problem is that now we have a flesh golem and nothing to use it on. Let’s do this the hard way.

: This time, we have Astarion sneak up behind everyone, get into combat (which gives us a surprise round), and then have him drop the golem.

: On this run, I removed everyone’s armor but not their weapons.

: Astarion uses the surprise round to stealth away while the golem gets beaten to death. We miss out on 180 EXP this way, but that’s not really a big deal.

: From there, everyone else sneaks in and we take out Evil Karlach and Evil Astarion. Evil Pollux and Evil Shadowheart really aren’t much of a threat because their AI sucks on purpose.

: Caster clones will usually try and cast crowd control spells, and will often do dumb shit like cast one spell and immediately break concentration by casting a different one.

: Our next uh.. “challenge” is the soft step trial. This is a pain in the ass stealth gauntlet.

: It’s really not so bad. Just run it like a football play.

: Weren’t you in hell a second ago?

: Football.

: This one’s all about running the right plays. Special Teams can sneak in and disarm the traps ahead of time, but that’d make us the Eagles.

: The two tacklers run in straight lines. Let’s draw a route up.

: Those X’s are the traps, right?

: That’s right. This whole route should be done in turn-based mode, and we want to disarm the traps because it doesn’t take an action.

: Pick this door, and we’re in the red zone. The tacklers can see into that room, so it has to be timed just right.

: One gate later, and touchdown!

: The final trial is down these stairs, but we don’t want to do that just yet - I believe if we do, it locks us into a much more annoying fight against Balthazar.

: I’m back. Let’s go finish him off before I decide to take a potshot at the TV fuckhead.

: Just like trying to kill a man whose head is a TV, there’s no good way to kill Balthazar. He’s going to get an attack off, and it’s going to do damage.

: A box wall won’t work because he can teleport, and the boxes won’t stop him shooting through them.

: Without his golem, he’s nothing. He’s going to run away like a little bitch who thinks he’s a god, right before I tear his head off and present it to the angels on a platter.

: I wasn’t joking when I said Balthazar keeps his mom on the shelf. There is one tactic we can use to make the fight easier.

: If we use the “trade” button, Balthazar has a Potion of Haste he chugs on his first turn. By buying it off him, we can significantly reduce his ability to nuke people.

: He also drops a circlet that boosts allied undead. This is useful for Lyselle.

: The final trial is the “faith-leap” trial, which is basically those levels from Mario Galaxy where you have to navigate along a hidden path.

: On balanced and tactician, you get one free attempt at the maze. If you fall, the game puts you right back where you were. On Honor Mode, falling is instant death.

: Once you start the trial, the whole area gets flooded with a darkness spell. Before Patch 6, you could use Daylight to eliminate it and make traversing totally safe.

: Yeah, fuck that. There’s an easier cheese method.

: What you’re meant to do is use this map on the floor to navigate, and sure - we could do that.

: Or we blow one cast of Fly and have Astarion fly across the entire map to the goal before starting the trial. Keep in mind it has to be fly: if you try jumping on the platforms, you die.

: Then we grab the orb and book it.

: That’s out of the Eagles playbook. I bet Sirianni would use magic if he could.

: I believe we now have enough approval with Shadowheart to bypass the point system. We now have three orbs, but that’s not enough to progress. To do that, we need to temporarily ditch Astarion and Shadowheart.

: The reason for this is because even if you haven’t talked to Raphael, you lose approval with both Shadowheart and Astarion for siding with Yurgir.

: I wanted to kill him!

: Before we do that though, let’s kill him in the funniest way possible. We’ll need Shadowheart and Astarion for this, so I’ll do it before I switch the party up.

: For this, we need a couple of things. We need the ring off the ooze in Last Light, and we’ll also need the necklace we got from the myconids in the mushroom colony.

: We also have Guidance from Shadowheart and Phalar Aluve. Barcus sells a ring once you’ve cleared the prison that gives you +1 to Persuasion that can help as well.

: We could re-spec Pollux into a sorcerer to get access to Disguise Self to activate the shapeshifter ring, but I have the Digital Deluxe Edition which I bought on sale. It gives you this item from Divinity: Original Sin 2 that allows you to use Disguise Self at will.

: We’ll equip that and disguise Pollux for maximum bonuses.

: “What’s this? Fresh entertainment. But you’re too fresh for this place, aren’t you? You may look like a dark-dweller, but there’s a whiff of the surface to you…”

: “Holy shit. An orthon. Powerful devils - I wouldn’t get on their bad side without a good reason.”

: “You - tiefling. You’ve got the stench of the Hells about you - the stench of home. And a whiff of the surface besides. A servant of Zariel, if I’m not mistaken. I’d know the stench of her infernal machinery anywhere.”

: “What do you know of infernal machinery?”

: “Only what I can smell. And whatever engine burns within you is grinding to an inevitable explosion. Burning and fear - you reek with it.”

: “There’s something else, almost hidden by your fear-stink.. cherries, musk.. and sulphur. Raphael! I can smell him all over you. Where is he?!”

1. Wait - you know Raphael?
2. I don’t know what you mean.
3. Attack.
4. Run.

: The fact that they even give you a run option tells you how fucked the game thinks you’re going to be if you engage him head-on.

: “Wait - you know Raphael?”

: “That perfumed trickster swindled me - trapped me.”

: “I’ve had dealings with him. Granted, most of those were me either shooting him or telling him to fuck off. Maybe we can help each other.”

: “Where is he? Spit it out - NOW!”

: “We piss off a devil no matter what we do. Pick your poison - we’ll handle the fallout like we always do.”

1. Let’s share our experiences with Raphael. Perhaps we can help each other.
2. Raphael could be anywhere. But let me go, and I’ll free you from his grasp.
3. I’ve said too much already.
4. Attack.

: “Let’s share our experiences with Raphael. Perhaps we can help each other.”

: “Bargaining, are you? A Kara-Tur warlord once tried the same - I made him watch as I ate his concubines and young, then fashioned a codpiece from his skull.”

: “How did you make him watch you make a codpiece if he’d be dead by that point?”

: Got 'em.

: “I meant I did that after he was dead. He didn’t watch that part. Because he was dead.”

: “You’re really not very good at this.”

: “You can’t help. It’s not just walls that keep me here. Not the traps, the dark, or the creatures it hides. Something stronger holds me - a contract.”

: “Either I fulfill the contract, die trying… or forfeit my freedom. If I leave this place now, I’ll become Raphael’s slave.”

1. You’re hardly free as it is, trapped here. Maybe you’re better off indebted to Raphael.
2. The likes of you is frightened by a contract? I find that hard to swallow.
3. [BARD] Diabolic deals in legend always have loopholes - we just need to find it.
4. Attack.

: “Diabolic deals in legend always have loopholes - we just need to find it.”

: “Raphael is no foolish story-devil, his mind is different. Sneaky. Listen…”

: “Spill all the blood sworn to the night. Silence all prayers, smother each rite. Wander Shar’s halls; hungry to slay. Leave no Justiciar alive to obey. Leave none to hear it, then be set free; this song is your oath, swear, swear it to me.”

: Yurgir’s VA doesn’t really sing this so much as he just kinda speaks it. I guarantee that if this had come out in late 2024, it would be a song called “Kill Them All” with the merregons as backup.

: What a dumbass contract. Sounds like the radio asshole.

Narrator: Well, that explains where all the Dark Justiciars went. This song differs from others you’ve studied. The final couplet contains a trick: a clause not easily fulfilled.

: “Pretty tune for a contract that says ‘kill all Justiciars’.”

1. Your contract is a song?
2. Raphael wanted you to kill Dark Justiciars? Why?
3. Bravo.
4. That was awful - perhaps you should stick to killing.
5. [BARD] Quite bloodthirsty, as lyrics go. Have you considered some instrumental accompaniment?

: “Your contract is a song?”

: “Parchment can burn. Oral agreements aren’t worth the tongues they’re waggled out on. A song lingers. Raphael made double sure of that. I can’t forget the damned thing so long as my work’s not finished.”

: “I did as instructed, but the song still rattles about in my head - the contract still stands, somehow. If I break it, I will become Raphael’s slave forever. Anyway, enough prattle. The lyrics are clear - all who hear the song must die.”

1. It’s Raphael you want, not me.
2. [PERSUASION] There must be something you missed. Let me search this place for you.
3. [PERSUASION] The lyrics are a trick. You’ve always had an audience - your followers. Get rid of them.
4. [BARD] [PERSUASION] Raphael’s a sly lyricist - he tricked you. Your followers heard your song and still live.
5. Attack.

: “Kill yourself.”

: “God dammit. Okay boys, off yourselves.”

: The first check gets rid of the merregons. This alone makes killing Yurgir far easier.

: “I still hear it. Seems your theory is wrong.”

: “Kill yourself.”

: “…Kill Nessa? Stay very still, my beauty…”

: “I STILL HEAR IT!”

: “KILL YOURSELF.”

: “That was incredible - I’m actually impressed! You have a wicked little mind.”

: Actually, let’s not kill him. Turns out, the angels are mostly idiots who eat nothing but ice cream. Imagine sending this guy there.

: Doing this gets us an inspiration for Astarion, a bunch of approval with him, and..

: This crossbow. The thing is, there’s another way to get the crossbow in Act 3 - or at least, I’m pretty sure there is. Let’s work with Yurgir and see what happens.

: Halsin gets respecced into a disarm specialist who exists primarily to make a fool of Ketheric.

: To help Yurgir, we need to go down to the bottom of this giant statue. It’s not obvious that you can get there.

: One of the merregons is a trader, and we’ll want those healing potions because we have a very annoying fight coming up.

: At the very bottom of the statue, there is a book and a ritual circle.

Use this spell to turn into rats.
Raphael.

: Going near the circle causes a rat to teleport in and threaten us.

: No problem, it’s dead.

: If I felt like using spells, there’s an easy solution to this. Have your wizard cast Wall of Fire, which will fry the rats if they try to walk through it.

: The rats have a boosted crit chance and eventually spawn “necrotic rats” that do extra damage and “soporific rats” that shit out a sleep cloud when they die.

: By the end, Halsin is beaten half to death. This is nothing the potions we got off the merregon can’t fix.

: The rat turns into the last surviving justiciar, who goes insane and attacks. He dies in one turn.

: This gets you a pretty okay weapon, a greatshield that isn’t as good as the one we stole by kidnapping the trader in Last Light, and some EXP.

: Note that you can kill this guy even if you get Yurgir to kill himself. It is also possible to accept the quest from Yurgir, kill this guy, and then kill Yurgir afterward.

: “Wait.. quiet.. it’s gone. The song is gone! The contract is completed!”

1. It seems you’re free to go.
2. You’re lucky I came along to help. Now you owe me.
3. There was one last Justiciar - dead now. Raphael helped him hide from you.

: “There was one last Justiciar - dead now. Raphael helped him hide from you.”

: “That conniving sack of worms. I should’ve known. I should’ve ripped his tongue out before he even spoke of this contract.”

: “Here I am, Yurgir, tongue and all, precisely on time for a lesson in semantics. Devil’s in the details, you see, and the details are in the fine print.”

: “You were to fulfill the deal. Nowhere does it stipulate you could subcontract the last kill to the first adventurer’s party that came trotting along. In short, you’re in breach of contract, my friend. Oh dear.”

: “Back to the hells with what we agreed! I have you now, Raphael. Pay the debt, and I will make this quick.”

: You hold him down, we’ll get the explosives.

: “Consider your position. You are about to forfeit what reputation you have left. No contracts. No fame. No power. You’ll be a streak of excrement even lemures will slither away from.”

: “That doesn’t even make sense. There’s nothing in the contract about who has to kill the justiciars, just that they have to die. They’re all dead.”

: This is how you know Raphael’s a bitch. He tries this in Hell, he doesn’t make it outside of Pentagram City alive.

: “Unless, of course, you consider my infinite mercy. A new contract. A chance to balance the books. Not to mention a welcome change of scenery.”

: “…Bastard. Fine. On one condition - NO MORE SONGS.”

: “What’s a contract without whimsy, I say, but fine: no more songs. Now off to the House of Hope for cocktails and canapes - and a brand new signature on a brand new deal.”

: “But first, it would be only befitting if you reward your subcontractor. The greater reward for the greater hunter.”

: “Anything I leave behind is yours. Pick over it however you like.”

: We get the last gem and virtually nothing else.

: There are some boots for Pollux here that let him restore a bardic inspiration charge, but are useless because he restores all his charges on a short rest.

: Our last destination is next to the Mario Galaxy trial.

: It has a bunch of ghosts and one of those portals generating a silence field. This isn’t even worth a tactics segment.

: The only thing to note is that it is entirely possible to permafuck yourself out of Shadowheart’s quest in this room. Why, you ask?

: There are a bunch of bookshelves here. All of them are trapped. The traps don’t work correctly in Patch 7, but in Patch 8 they can destroy the books if triggered.

: Behind the big gate in the back (which is opened using one of four buttons, three of which are traps) is a pillar that asks us “What can silence the Nightsong?”

: To get the answer, we need this specific book, which is on one of the trapped shelves.

: This opens a hidden door that leads to the thing that allows Shadowheart to behave like a spoiled idiot.

: “This is Mommy Shar’s spear! I love Shar!”

: If you go to the point of no return, the game will turn you around and force you to pick up the spear. If Shadowheart isn’t in the party, she throws a bitch fit and quits.

: The chest has a really stupid looking helmet that is slightly better than the one we found off the meenlocks, so Astarion gets it.

: Before we go, there’s one last thing I want to do.

: We missed something when exterminating Moonrise - namely the door leading to Ketheric’s boss fight. If you go up here before dealing with the Shar temple, you get turned around by this NPC.

: She’ll join the boss fight if you come up here after the temple, so let’s kill her and her small army of skeletons early.

: “I love Mommy Shar! She’s not like my “real” parents who won’t let me be hardcore.”

: We place one of the orbs here, and it activates an elevator. There is an unrelated scene where Shadowheart prays to Shar because she’s an edgelord.

: The elevator leads down here, with an altar that has three spaces for the three remaining orbs. This is where I need to mention that there’s something I’ve been hiding.

: You can skip all of the trials using the knock spell.

: No one does the trials on Honor Mode because they’re skippable. In fact, the ENTIRE TEMPLE is skippable except for getting the spear.

: “This is where they make the dark justiciars!”

Shar: “One more test awaits. Descend to the Nightsong. Make a sacrifice. Rise again a Dark Justiciar.”

: “This must be the last step. I need to pray. Only by Lady Shar’s grace did we even make it this far.”

: You can try a wisdom check to learn that she’s being mind controlled by Shar, but oh well. We’re not making that.

Narrator: As you step into the silent water, a foreign dread travels through you. It curls its way up your leg, squeezing tight.

: There’s a dumb “walk and talk” segment that I’m going to skip because it’s entirely Shadowheart trying to hype up killing the Nightsong.

Nightsong: “I have felt you coming. The first in a century.”

: “You, who have come to seek the praise of your wicked goddess. You, who have come to drive a dagger through my heart.”

: Meet the Nightsong. She is a bad fanfiction. According to the game, she is an aasimar - the writers took liberties with that the way they did tieflings.

: Let me refer to Pathfinder 1E’s description of what an aasimar is. This mirrors 3.5E’s description:

Aasimars are humans with a significant amount of celestial or other good outsider blood in their ancestry. While not always benevolent, aasimars are more inclined toward acts of kindness rather than evil, and they gravitate toward faiths or organizations associated with celestials. Aasimar heritage can lie dormant for generations, only to appear suddenly in the child of two apparently human parents.

Physical Description: Aasimars look mostly human except for some minor physical trait that reveals their unusual heritage. Typical aasimar features include hair that shines like metal, jewel-toned eyes, lustrous skin color, or even glowing, golden halos.

: There’s a table in the PF 1E rulebook for random aasimar features, which you can also pick from. Funny enough, half of them are “you can be a catgirl”.

: If she’s an aasimar, she’s the aasimar equivalent of Astra.

: I’m not sure whether to resent that or not.

: “Not a dagger - a spear. My Lady Shar’s spear. Her fate is mine to seal. Let me handle this.”

: “The fate you seal is your own. To be a Dark Justiciar is to turn your heart from everything but loss. You will know no love, no joy - only servitude.”

: “Until, of course, your mistress inevitably discards you. And there is much she does not tell you - a terrible blood price that may extend beyond my own death.”

Narrator: You feel Shadowheart bristling - this is important to her. But your bond is strong. You may yet be able to sway her from the path of duty to the path of light. And Nightsong is not blind to your conflict. Behind that raging heart is the restless beat of one who knows too well that her fate hangs in the balance.

: I thought we had enough approval with Shadowheart, and it turns out we don’t. The game is lying.

1. Trust Shadowheart - do not interfere.
2. Do as you must.
3. Is this truly what you want?
4. Choose your own way, Shadowheart. You cannot allow your goddess to control you.
5. Please, Shadowheart. Don’t do this.

: If I had bothered to figure out how to save edit, I would just save edit in the points and get the two dialog options that allow you to force her to stand down.

: “Shadowheart, you will stand the fuck down immediately or I am going to end you.”

: “SHUT UP! YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!”

: “Cast her down to meet her goddess.”

: And so we kill Shadowheart.

: It’s not like she was ever coming off the bench after this anyway. I reloaded after this to see if I could get enough trust with her.. and we just BARELY can.

: What happened is that I forgot to give Shadowheart the night orchid - this is because I do multiple recording runs and probably forgot to save.

: Giving her that gets us 39 out of 40 trust points. How do we get the last one? By selecting option 1.

: “Well, well, well. What’s that I sense? A spear intended for my heart. Empowered by your goddess, aye - empowered to kill the child of a god.”

: This is why I say Aylin is a bad fanfic. She is literally Selune’s daughter. That would make her some kind of demigod, not an aasimar.

: “Do you know what I am, little assassin? For I know you - a lost child, frightened by wolves in the dark.”

: “What did you say…?”

: “Much has been promised to you, hasn’t it? But what has been taken from you? What do you know of your own heart - your own life? I sense more in you than you know.”

: “Whatever you know of me won’t matter, once I become who I’m meant to be.”

1. Kill her. Let’s finish this ritual.
2. [PERSUASION] Don’t do it, Shadowheart. Don’t kill her - you’ll regret it.
3. She knows something about you. Spare her, and see what she has to say.
4. Say nothing.

: “She knows something about you. Spare her, and see what she has to say.”

: Funny enough, I made the check and then Astarion’s AI bugged out and I had to reload the game.

: “I can’t believe I did that - Shar will disown me. Now I’m truly lost…”

: “Lay a hand on me in friendship, not-quite Sharran, and I will fight the battle that has been waiting for me this last century. Then - oh then, we will have much to discuss.”

: “Our Lady of Silver. Hear me! She Who Guides, the Moonmaiden Selune - MOTHER OF THE SO-CALLED NIGHTSONG. THE NIGHTSONG IS NO MORE!”

: “I AM… THE TOKEN PLOT LESBIAN!”

: “IN THE NAME OF SELUNE, I’LL PUNISH YOU!”

: We did that already.

: So yeah, she gets a full Sailor Moon transformation sequence. I hate Aylin as a character. She exists I think primarily because the writers wanted a canon lesbian couple.

: “I am RESPLENDENT!”

: This is from the first run where I killed Shadowheart. That run was.. something. Pollux kills Shadowheart, kills Aylin once for the experience, and then lets her go.

: Afterward he talks to Shadowheart even though she’s dead.

: “You have given me a great gift, little warrior. Don’t you find it oh-so-curious that you would spurn your heterosexuality Dark Lady? Perhaps you feel a stirring of bisexuality the truth already.”

: “But that will come later. There is a battle yet to be fought. You have done what we feared was impossible. You have released me from a century of sorrow. Your power is great. So too must be your weapon. You must choose what you will wield. And the Moonmaiden will provide. Thus I have said; thus it will be so.”

: As you can probably tell, Jaheira is a recruitable party member. I don’t care for her, but we need to use her to get this game’s Frank.

: “We need to leave. Lady Shar won’t stand for us to be here - not after what we did.”

: When we take the portal out, Shadowheart comes out on the ground.

: “I.. I thought I was done for. I thought perhaps I might be dead. This.. this is all like some terrible dream. But it’s real, isn’t it? I stood before the Nightsong. I heard Lady Shar’s words.. and I failed her.”

: “Worse than failed her - I defied her. Just because of what that aasimar said. I tried to leave, but.. Shar blocked me. Punished me for failing her. I thought I knew the limit of pain that the incurable wound could inflict, but I had no idea.”

: “It felt like I was suffering the agony of a thousand people, all at once. My blood was boiling, my hair was on fire. I thought I’d claw my own face off with the pain.”

: “But then she released me. - banished me more like. She said I was an outcast, that all of her children would know me and revile me. I’m alone.”

Narrator: Shadowheart looks distraught - abandoned by her goddess and all former allies. And as for her divine magic..? Admitting who empowers her now may break her spirit for good.

: “If it’s any consolation, I think you did the right thing.”

: “You’re lucky to have such confidence. Me.. I think the full price of what I’ve done has yet to reveal itself. I’m a target to Lady Shar’s followers now.”

: And now it’s time to exterminate. Ketheric is all alone in his gooncave, and we’re going to rip him a new asshole.

: I decided not to take Halsin, after realizing that his chances to disarm aren’t much better than Karlach’s. Our party will be Karlach, Astarion, Lyselle, and Pollux.

: What’s supposed to happen is that you arrive at Moonrise Towers and join up with Jaheira and the harpers to kill all the cultists. Because we already did that, shit gets weird.

: The gnolls are just kinda wandering around, as are a bunch of harpers.

: The main trader from Last Light will also be here, so we can rob her. I forgot she even showed up here.

: Jaheira is in here, and we can take her with us.

: One thing to note: fighting Ketheric is a second point of no return. It would be a good idea to long rest beforehand and dismiss your summons. Save those for after.

: “YOU! What have you done?! What have you done to me?!”

: “I’ve come to finish you.”

: “How dare you interfere? You are like the digits of a hand - it is for you to act, not to decide. You serve the Absolute. You. Serve. ME! Bow, you dog. BOW!”

: “The Prism. You’ve had it all this time - you worm! You will bow before me. And if you will not bow, you will break.”

: That’s one of Lae’zel’s dialog responses.

: “How good it is to see you again, Ketheric. At last you’ve found a god-master that suits you, it seems.”

: “Aylin. The thief. You stole Isobel from me, and now you think you’ll take my life in the bargain?”

: Yep, Isobel is Ketheric’s daughter. What makes even less sense is that she died, Balthazar brought her back, and she’s somehow completely normal afterward.

: “You dare to speak her name? My very gay girlfriend’s name? After your crimes innumerable, you would evoke her before me?”

: You know, maybe we’re not that different.

: “Enough! This ends here and now - at last.”

: “He will crumble at the power of your touch - give him all you have. THE GODS FIGHT AT OUR SIDE!”

: In case you’re wondering, the tactics are “he’s fucked”. It’s six on one, and it doesn’t really matter what his level is at that point.

: Jaheira has a limited moveset, but that’s fine - we might need her if the necromancer and her skeletons were still alive, but they’re not.

: Ketheric starts by giving us a glimpse of his gimmick - he spawns skeleton bombs that explode after one round and spawn a skeleton.

: It’s possible depending on turn order that he spawns it right at the end of the round and it explodes before anyone can destroy it.

: If you really want to make him a non-threat, disarming him stops him from using his smite, which is most of his damage.

: This is something you would never, ever see happen in a competently designed 3.5E scenario, and is why 5E is dumb and bad.

: See, in 3.5E, any suitably paranoid melee type is going to spend the 8 gold on a locked gauntlet. This makes you VERY difficult to disarm.

: Pollux makes up for the start of the game and grabs Ketheric’s hammer - Ketheric can’t get an attack of opportunity because he’s not armed. This is another failing of 5E.

: In 3.5E, every single melee type will have a spiked gauntlet on the hand that doesn’t have their locked one. Why? Because it counts as being armed, so you can make AoOs even if it’s your only weapon.

: At around 40% HP, the fight ends.

: “Enough. My lord beckons me.”

: “You must return to your prison. And my daughter must be reclaimed.”

: “Your daugher - Isobel?!”

: How’d he get his hammer back?

: “You will fall as sure as she. This has only begun.”

: The tentacle touches Aylin and teleports both her and Ketheric out. I’ll skip the chest with a useless ring in it.

: This is the point of no return for Act 2. Once we enter here, Act 2 is cut off. We’ve got everything we need, but the site is already slowing down a bit. Next time, we fight Fanfiction Ketheric.

: We’ve already seen what happens if we kill Shadowheart and what happens if we don’t kill Shadowheart. What happens if we let Shadowheart get her way?

: “There it is. True death, at last. You are Shar’s child after all. And I am.. I am…”

Shar: It is done. You have proven yourself. You have answered my highest calling. My Chosen. My Warrior. My Dark Justiciar.

Shar: Your pain is now your power. Wield it true.

: The scene they took this shot from is actually in Act 3. You only see it if Aylin survives. It is.. not a particularly great one.

: There’s a reason that D&D is described as a combat system and not a storytelling RPG.

Shar: My church must be cleansed. You shall be my instrument in ridding it of the impure, then you shall take up the mantle as its new leader.

: On this timeline, the game has to outright tell you what to do once you reach Act 3. The other part of Shadowheart’s quest involves exterminating another Shar temple.

: We’re going to do that as early into Act 3 as is feasible, because it is the source of one of the only permanent stat increases in the game.

Shar: First, hunt down the traitor, Ketheric Thorm. He shunned my embrace. He left my armies be slaughtered. He used my domain to safeguard his wretched life.

: You know what doesn’t make any sense about this? Why didn’t Shar just kill Aylin herself? This isn’t a Vlaakith situation where at least there’s a plausible reason why Vlaakith needs the person in the prism alive.

: “Lesbian.. powers.. fading..”

: Wait, what? The inn isn’t in the fuck zone. The only place torches don’t work is that house across the bridge - everywhere else they work just fine.

: The last thing Isobel hears is the banging on the door as the zombies come in and kill her.

: For killing Aylin, Shadowheart gets her own special armor and spear. The armor sucks compared to the adamantine armor, and we get a different version of the spear later.

: If we go back to the inn, everyone is a zombie.

: Shadowheart gets a couple of new abilities, which are admittedly pretty okay: Beckoning Darkness and Shar’s Darkness are essentially Hunger of Hadar on a single target and have no cooldown.

: This route locks us out of a bunch of stuff in Act 3. It’s better to kill Shadowheart off if you can’t get her to stop being an edgelord.

: Shadowheart doesn’t really add a lot to the party unless she’s respecced, and honestly I don’t like her as a character.

: If I had someone like that at an actual table, I’d probably go “I respect your dedication to your absolutely godawful character but I’m still going to kill them.”

: Here’s Beta Shadowheart. For me, it’s the one in the top-middle with the hair completely over her eyes.

: Beta Aylin was probably an improvment over what we actually got.

: And finally, Beta Ketheric. Beta Ketheric is a rejected Warhammer design. I saw a mod last night while browsing weapon mods for.. unspecified reasons.. that restores the beta appearance to his hammer.

: Oh, and Beta Balthazar. The one on the left page, third row, first on the left (with the hood off) looks like a guy I used to play Pathfinder with.

: My nickname for him was Dipshit McOracle, because he was a dipshit and played oracles. He was an okay guy, he just sucked so bad at the game.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3! Today, we’ll beat Ketheric…

: By jumping into the nasty tentacle hole.

: Nowhere left to go but the hole. Unfortunately, I forgot something, that being that the hole fucking sucks.

: There are two things we need in the hole which require specific people. Gale has his bad ending down there, and Wyll has a quest that drops a weapon for Pollux.. except we can’t switch party members out once we’re down there.

: Personally, I think this is kinda bullshit. It’d be one thing if I could transfer Lyselle’s entire spellbook to Wyll, but I can’t.

: Wyll gets respecced into a wizard. The only really important spell is Wall of Fire. Let’s get moving into the hole.

: Aren’t you forgetting something?

: No, I already looted the bar area in Last Light that I was saving for Salty Vanilla to use as a backdrop in the latest Pollux/Halsin date piece.

: The buff statues.

: Oh, right. At this point, if you’re running low on resources, take a long rest before you do this. Go back to the center of the fuck zone.

: The three statues we saw earlier each have an inscription: one for intelligence, one for charisma, and one for wisdom.

: Making a DC 14 save gives you a +5 bonus to the associated stat. This is borderline fanfiction: nothing in 3.5E would ever give you this kind of stat boost, even temporarily.

: Only one person can make each check, and you don’t want to fail because it instead gives you a -5 to your stat. You can remove this by resting or using remove curse.

: Pollux now has 26 Charisma, which is about where he’d be at a baseline in 3.5E.

: Once you do all three statues, a back room opens up. You can sacrifice blood to get some items, which include one of those free short rest potions. Just don’t take the dagger.

: Why? Because it summons a group of three shar ghosts who are resistant to everything and a general nuisance to kill. They’re worth nothing in terms of EXP.

: We could also go back to the shar temple and get that half necrotic damage buff if we needed it. We don’t.

: Don’t forget to bring your emotional support treasure chests. Use the lighter ones that have medium toughness. You’ll want 8 or so to bypass a really annoying fight.

: That’s not a thing. Is it a thing?

: Sure it is.

Narrator: The hole yawns back at you, impossibly wide - a single tentacle burrowed through stone.

: Ignore Jaheira being here. This is from an earlier recording.

: “This is an illithid colony. This must be where they harvest the tadpoles. We’re close to the source of the infections.”

: This area has a thing similar to the catacombs where you don’t need bodies to use Animate Dead. We’re going to be doing the only challenging fight here as if we were on (dis)honor mode.

: Let me show you what the difference is.

: The mind flayer colony is a big circle. It is entirely optional unless you are playing with Wyll as your main character.

: The reason it’s different on honor mode is that if you head straight to the last room, there’s a mind flayer healing pod. You can use this for infinite free long rests that do not count as long rests.. except on honor mode, where it can only be used once.

: I mentioned in the last update that you should dismiss any summons before coming here and preferably take a long rest. The reason is that the pod doesn’t heal summons, or at least didn’t in the earlier patches.

: It also won’t restore anything that isn’t a class resource. This means that items with a cooldown won’t be restored, nor will things like Shovel. We’re bringing Shovel back this update.

: The other side of the room has a free explosive barrel and a brain in a jar. I should mention that you can bring the brain jars from the nautiloid here.

: We could head right to Ketheric’s boss arena, but instead we’ll do all the optional fights.

: The closest door to where we entered leads to the morgue. You’ll notice there are intellect devourers running around: they’re worth seven owlbears of EXP each. Kill them all.

: I killed them all because they’re gross abominations.

: Killing the brains here will aggro this bugbear, who has dialog but none of it’s important. He’s a mindless drone.

: None of these pose even a vague threat to us at this point. If we were going all out, I could’ve wiped this room in one fireball.

: “Wait.. I recognize that brain. That’s the one from the nautiloid!”

: At some point between when I first played the game and now, they changed Us into an item. It used to be a learned spell like Shovel is. By the end of this update, we will have an army.

: There’s some environmental storytelling about a teacher selling his students to the cult.

: In fact, you can press this button and the teacher’s body gets disgorged out of a vein. You can speak with dead on him, but why bother.

: The other door from the morgue leads to a very annoying fight. It’s time..

: Let’s take a look through that door.

: Holy fuck, that’s a lot of zombies. It sure would be annoying if they had one of those fanfiction skeletons from the monastery trail with them.

: Good thing we brought our emotional support boxes… except one line isn’t enough. These zombies can jump, and the colony is a circle - so they could approach us from behind.

: That’s what the other four boxes are for. Pack everyone in like this, but leave just a bit of space so that you don’t get hit with melee through the boxes.

: And oh look, it’s one of those fanfiction skeletons. The skeleton can revive the zombies with full HP. The bigger zombies have 96 HP each on tactician. We don’t care.

: They’re not getting past the boxes, so we can shoot them with impunity.

: The flying ghouls tend to go into “turn off AI” mode, so you may have to jump someone over the wall for a turn to lure them in.

: Three more explosive barrels? Don’t mind if I do.

: There’s a puzzle over here that we’ll come back for. It annoyed the hell out of me on my first run.

: The barracks is between the restoration pod and the room with Wyll’s quest in it. It doesn’t have much in it apart from some lore dumps from Balthazar’s assistants.

: We’re here for the explosives.

: The rooms inside have chests in them if you didn’t bring enough to wall off the zombies. These ones are much weaker, but will block off the zombies for a bit.

: Eventually, the necromancers find us. We’ll blow some spells on this, since there’s only one more room and the fight there is piss easy.

: You know he’s a serious villain when his name is “Hairy Henry”.

: The party gets fireballed, which at this point is a mere annoyance that we can fix with one of our probably 40 good healing potions.

: The necromancers also have Ketheric’s skeleton bomb gimmick, but go down without any problems. The fireball unfortunately blew up some of the explosive barrels, but we’ve got plenty of those.

: We’ve now done everything except the puzzle and Wyll’s quest, so let’s get on it.

: The tadpoling center has four or so brains roaming around which die promptly.

: The pods on the walls have both mind flayers and a couple of NPCs we’ve seen before in them - this is Gauntlet Yeva, who was in the burning inn back in Act 1.

: Zevlor is also here. We know he’s possibly a traitor.

Narrator: The device is open to your tadpole’s command - to your authority.

1. Release.
2. Purge.
3. Leave the pods be.

: Kill 'em all.

: That wouldn’t be very heroic.

: We’re going to open the pods because it’s free experience. You get three NPCs on your side and the mind flayers are nothing even on tactician, especially if we can go all out.

: The only thing to watch out for is that the mind flayers have a reaction that can charm you on hit - but it doesn’t work like the outright mind control that charm usually is.

: Instead, it stops whoever’s hit by it from attacking the mind flayer that used it on them. They can still attack the other mind flayers, and you retain control over them.

: Karlach in particular is overpowered if she’s allowed to go all out. Branding Smite does 2d6 radiant on top of everything else AND lets you make another attack.

: In one turn, we have Karlach attack six times. The order goes:

• Two normal attacks
• Action Surge
• Another normal attack
• Branding Smite
• Another normal attack
• Great Weapon Master bonus attack for killing something

: 5E fighters are significantly more powerful than 3.5E fighters. 3.5E fighters have two attacks a turn at 9th level (three if making a full-round attack), and only one gets made with their full attack bonus.

: The enemies go down easily.

: “Hells.. I didn’t think I was going to make it. Thank you.”

: “Zevlor.”’

: “Watching gods - the Blade of Frontiers? Wyll? What happened?”

: “I paid the price of angering the wrong devil.”

: “And shouldered the cost to spare someone else a worse fate, I’d wager.”

: “I…owe you an explanation. Much more than that. But first, please… the others. The ambush - tell me they survived.”

1. You abandoned them. Do you really think you have the right to ask?
2. Some. Others ended up in a cell in Moonrise. That’s on you.
3. They found refuge. But what the hells happened out there, Zevlor?
4. I can’t tell you.

: “A bunch of them died, including Arabella’s parents. A few more got captured and got to watch as we systematically exterminated everyone in Moonrise. The rest survived.”

: Was that what all the screams were?

: You bet.

: “Somehow, I suspect it’s worse than you imagine. Likely you heard that I broke, or froze, or some other lie kinder than the truth.”

: “We were ambushed by cultists, yes. And then I heard.. Her. Their false god, whispering promises in my mind. I would be a paladin again - with a god’s purpose, a god’s power. Everything I needed to protect my people.”

: So you got mind controlled. Typical fighter.

: “And all the while, the cult tortured them. They fought, and ran, and died around me, while I imagined myself their savior. By the time I regained my senses, it was too late. I did not just surrender to the Absolute. For a moment, I welcomed it.”

1. If you wanted power, you never needed a god - only to live up to your ideal.
2. ‘For a moment’ - until you realized your reward would be a tadpole.
3. It sounds like you were being enthralled. It’s not your fault.
4. Your people didn’t need a paladin - they saved themselves.

: “It sounds like you were being enthralled. It’s not your fault.”

: “It would be nice to think so. But whatever these monsters twist us into… I believe it begins in us. I won’t make excuses. I can’t make amends. But I know something of what you came to do - I want to help, if you’ll let me.”

: “Ketheric is below. He thinks you’re no longer a menace. Descend and show him how wrong he is. If there are any more survivors to be found, I’ll find them - and lead them out of this place.”

: There’s only this one room left, and we haven’t found that demon for Wyll yet. I wonder where it could be?

: This side of the room has some special barrels that spew acidic goo everywhere. It doesn’t do a lot of damage, but it’s still useful.

: “Mizora? You’re Zariel’s asset?”

: “My dumb little stinker. Took you long enough. Now, by Graz’zt’s cock, get me out of this thing.”

: …This makes no sense.

: It really doesn’t. She can teleport.

: Why is she even here, anyway?

: “Not yet, Mizora - it’s a seller’s market now. Time we struck up a new deal.”

: “Is it? Please, enlighten me.”

: “No more pact, no more debt. Then I set you free - and you flit back to Zariel and leave me for good.”

: “Now why should I go letting my favorite pet off his leash?”

1. [INTIMIDATION] We could always let the cult infect you, I guess. I bet you’d make a loyal thrall.
2. [HISTORY] Remember all you can about devils and their contracts.
3. [PERFORMANCE] Say you know a pact-breaking charm and chant a series of pseudo-Infernal phrases
4. I wouldn’t let him go, Mizora. Wyll needs someone to keep him in line.

: “I vote we leave her here and let her get infected. Not that she will, because everyone in Moonrise has been exterminated. Can demons starve to death?”

: “Incredible - you actually think you hold the winning hand. Fine, I’ll play your game. But I amend the pact once I’m freed - not before. Clause F, Section Nine: ‘Soul-binder shall bestow reward or favor only upon soul-bearer’s fulfillment of related obligation.’ Now open the pod.”

: “Fine. Let here out.”

: You can still re-negotiate Wyll’s contract even if you don’t bring him here, it just happens in camp instead.

: The pod has two buttons on it and we don’t know which is which. Option 2 kills Mizora, Option 3 frees her.

: “You did all right, Wyll. I’d give your belly a good rub, but never could stand the smell.”

: “You’re free, Mizora. I held up my end. Now you hold up yours. Sever the pact.”

: "Mm. Hrm. Mmm… Ahem. Clause Z, Section 13: ‘It wouldn’t make any sense for you to break the contract so for plot reasons it’ll be six months.’ "

1. Sever the pact now, devil - or I’ll sever your head.
2. Fine, six months it is. What happens next?
3. Gods damn you, Wyll. You’re more trouble than you’re worth.
4. [PERSUASION] GIVE ME THE FUCKING SWORD

: This sword is the best weapons in the game that Pollux can use. It allows us early access to a 6th-level spell and makes Pollux more than competent at melee.

: Now let’s go back to that puzzle we skipped. This thing is a pain in the ass. It’s not difficult, it just controls like shit.

: The idea is this. You have four glowing nodes on the front of the weird pegboard thing. You have to link them to their counterparts on the back side.

: This kind of puzzle just doesn’t work with this camera. You activate the nodes by clicking an active one and then clicking an inactive one to link it to, and half the time the game will interpret that as a “move your character” action.

: Solving the puzzle gets you a brain in a jar. This one gives a special buff you’re going to want to use on someone who isn’t a wizard.

: It also gets you a longsword which is effectively vendor trash at this point in the game. Psychic damage is nice, but Patch 8 makes it way easier to get.

: You can also click this thing, which.. when did the illithid have time to carve this? It talks about how they want a world of perfect order with themselves at the top.

: We can use all the brain jars we found over here. This includes the ones from the nautiloid. Most of them give incidental dialog.

: Oh, and there’s a glowing pink orb that sucks. It’s useful if you really need to make a strength check, I guess.

: Anyway, there’s a severed elf head here who..

: They’re just standing there. You can see the neck isn’t severed. It’s just being hidden by the goo.

: You can load the brains into the thing next to the head to talk to them.

: One of them is a kid and you can tell the kid he’s dead and in hell, so Pollux does that. Let’s skip all of these and just load in the special one.

: The writers for this game really hate kids.

: “HmmMM… fine bones.. sharp jaw.. some variety of elf? Pretty enough for a flesh-prison, if not the noble githzerai features I was born with.”

: The githzerai are a very similar but technically distinct race from the githyanki. They hate the githyanki as much as they hate everyone else, and don’t worship Vlaakith.

: Do they die any differently?

: They’re biologically identical, so no.

: It was more like a note to myself to test it later.

: “I’d guess you’re no willing guest of the ghaik either. Perhaps we might aid one another.”

1. How did you end up in that vault? Githzerai are supposed to be ultimate warriors.
2. You’re remarkably sane for a pickled brain.
3. I’m listening. What aid are you offering?
4. I’m not interested.

: “You’re remarkably sane for a pickled brain.”

: “A githzerai’s mind is not so easily cracked. Our discipline was the very reason we were attacked. My order taught a psionic technique much feared by the ghaik. They destroyed us for it, and kept me as a trophy.”

: “I never broke, but… I’ve spent all these centuries awake. Aware. So here is my offer: use your tadpole. Erase me - and I will pass my technique on to you.”

: “That sounds like bullshit.”

: “…All right, I led them there because they promised me power. They’ve been saving my brain for a snack. Can you just kill me now?”

: The person who erases the gith gets a buff that is permanent unless your character dies. The buff gives you proficiency on intelligence checks.

: Fuck calling them saves, there is no such thing as an intelligence save.

: Now that we’re done with that, it’s time to call up the boys. Pollux summons a cambion, Shovel, and Us.

: The cambion is the middle choice of the three 6th-level spell summon options. It has a rebranded Scorching Ray that hits pretty hard.

: Wyll summons an air elemental, two ice mephits, and a flying ghoul. This is why I couldn’t use Halsin: this fight demands the ability to fly.

: I hope you’re ready for a long, boring cutscene. The game is going to dump the entire plot on us in one go.

: “You said it was under control.”

: “It isn’t you I answer to, Gortash.”

: It’s the corrupted eighth Chaos Emerald I gained hold of after beating a fusion of Broly and Shadow the Hedgehog while on a mission with Seal Team Six in Cuba in the 70s.

: Well, I had a steamy threesome with Alex Mercer from Prototype and Naruto and I’m pregnant with Naruto’s secret other child. So there.

: “Motherfucker! Gortash!”

: “Oh, the General voice. Is this where we salute?”

: “Salute, yes, with cleavers through his blood-starved flesh. How it crawls with failure like flies on lick-wet carrion.”

: Boys, I have you both beat. I shoved the entire Infinity Gauntlet up my (redacted).

: (That’s a shapeshifter! …The two Mintharas! That’s how there were two.. one was a fake. I knew it!)

: “Shovel, go warn Halsin. I’m willing to bet the Minthara in camp is gone. She’s going to try something.”

: “You forget yourself, Orin. I have played my part.”

: “You’ve built an army for our masters, true enough. But what of the Astral Prism? A rogue True Soul, flaunting it under your nose all this time. And you ran from him.”

: I didn’t serve three terms in 'nam with my wife, who is actually alive and half-yakuza and we met in a bar where we had a knife fight and it was really cool, to listen to your shit.

: “Sure that they would follow, and deliver into my hands here. If you would cease these distractions -”

: Gortash perpetually looks like someone just kicked him in the balls. I remember him being a big shipping target for fanfic writers.

: “The distractions have been yours, Ketheric. Perhaps we never should have dug your daughter up.”

: I’m gonna post so many wojaks on Reddit with your face on them…

: “So you haven’t lost your edge. But you’re still not as sharp as Orin is, I wager.”

: That dagger is the best weapon in the game for Astarion. It’s too bad we have to go through a dogshit boss fight to get it.

: “The slayer against the undying one. That would be fun to see.”

: “KILL U IN DA STREETZ”

: “If the weapon is truly in your grasp, Ketheric, might I suggest closing your fist? Orin and I can wait for you no longer. The plan proceeds - we’re going to the city, and we expect you to follow, army and weapon in tow.”

: Orin and Gortash then combine their chaos emeralds to summon a giant brain.

: “An elder brain.. one of the cruellest and most powerful creatures in existence, enslaved by mere mortals.”

: Are you saying I’m not the cruelest and most powerful creature in existence?

: Elder brains were a CR 25 monster in 3.5E, meaning you’d only ever see one in an epic-level campaign. In 5E, they’re a CR 14. That would make them a difficult but reasonable fight for a 12th-level party.

: Incidentally, no, there are no elder brain monster people, and if there were we’d have banished them to the same abyss my ancestors threw all the vore monsters into.

: “There we are. It wouldn’t do to fight in front of our guest.”

: “Behold, Duke Ravengard: the Absolute!”

Ravengard: “Helm preserve us…”

: Ravengard then gets tadpoled while Orin does her stupid edgy bullshit.

: “Shit, no! My tad has been dadpoled! I mean, my dad has been tadpoled!”

: “Now! It’s really time we were going. We will empty this place and begin the march. You may catch up with the army once you’ve retrieved the weapon.”

: “And Ketheric, do try not to sulk. You’re supposed to be the fearsome General, come to conquer the city. And I am the hero who will save it.”

: Thank fuck that’s over. Let’s take a look at the battlefield before we enter the inevitable tactics -

: Wait a minute.. I hear him. That TV fucker! He’s downstairs!

: You’re on your own again. I’ll be back. Shape, you see the moth or that bitch with the annoying voice, kill them. The rest of you, try not to die.

: Mara! Get back here! You can’t kill him, he’s got plot armor out the ass!

: Well, fuck. That’s not gonna end well. It doesn’t really matter because this fight sucks. It’s a lot like the Ethel fight - the devs want you to do it one way and one way only.

: STORM’S COMING, MOTHERFUCKER!

: Anyway. We’ve got Ketheric on the center platform., and four skeletons on the side platform. The only land route to the skeletons is on the far side from the entrance.

: On the right, we have Aylin, who has been captured yet again and is making Ketheric unkillable. She’s guarded by a mind flayer.

: There are also a bunch of intellect devourers on the ground. They’re not much of a threat.

: The game gives you some room to plan, so the first order of business is making Astarion invisible and having him hide on Aylin’s platform.

: The reason for this is that opening the fight by freeing Aylin gets you a surprise round, which we’re going to use to wipe the adds.

: At this point, I enter turn-based mode and start jumping people up here. Our goal is to kill all the skeletons off in the surprise round.

: Again, the game fully expects you’re doing this ahead of time. The safe spot is up here, behind the skeletons.

: The real problem is the mind flayer. There’s no way onto that platform without Ketheric seeing you.

: Is anyone else hearing all those gunshots? And the screaming?

: The other annoying part is that you can’t see the stealth sight lines unless you’re in stealth. We’re going to leave the air elemental here since it can teleport.

: We don’t get the surprise round for some reason, probably because this game’s stealth is spaghetti.

: In this first phase, Ketheric is basically harmless. He can summon those skeleton bombs, but that’s all he does.

: Pollux takes out the skeletons, and Aylin promptly gets dominated by the mind flayer. Despite having wings, she can’t fly, so she’s useless.

: Several turns later, Ketheric “dies”.

: "OBAMA CHUCKLED. “YOU MEAN THE CHAOS EMERALDS?”

: “FANFICTION MODE: ACTIVATED!”

: At this point, Ketheric starts outright cheating. He’s resistant to all physical damage, becomes resistant to the last element to hit him, and has multiple AOEs that are effectively instakills.

: He also passively summons multiple skeletons per round, which attempt to reach him. If they do, he gets another instakill.

: If no one is engaging him in melee, he uses a room-wide AOE pull that not only does damage but also teleports everyone to his platform where he can use his other AOEs.

: Oh, and he has a fanfiction aura that blocks healing. How difficult this fight is depends on how long Aylin stays alive.

: First order of business in exterminating this dumbfuck is putting a wall of fire under him. This hits him every turn for fire damage.

: The weaker summons should stay on the ground, which is where most of the skeletons will spawn.

: There is exactly one strategy that works, and that strategy is lightning cheese. Let me explain how this works. If you throw a bottle of water at Ketheric, he becomes wet for 3 turns.

: Being wet makes him take double lightning damage, but also does something very important: when he’s wet, he can’t become resistant to lightning damage using his “Haha fuck you” fanfiction ability.

: Wyll and Pollux use lightning bolt every turn, which he can’t dodge. This hits him for a shitload of damage, and ensures the wall of fire does full damage every round.

: It also helps a lot if you have Karlach use the Giantbreaker crossbow (which I think we got in Act 1 somewhere) on him repeatedly. When it hits, it builds up a debuff that lowers his attack rolls and stops him nuking Aylin.

: Wyll and Pollux use their roll reducers to fuck with Ketheric’s physical AOE, which stops him killing Aylin and using his pull spell. If Aylin is about to die, send your martials in one at a time.

: By the way, this fight is almost a direct ripoff of the Lady Vashj fight from World of Warcraft, specifically the one from Serpentshrine Cavern in TBC. I don’t know if they’ve revived her yet like they did to Kael’thas three times.

: Tempest Keep was merely a setback the first two times. I’m sure he’ll get it right eventually.

: Fucking teleporting piece of shit! At least I winged him a few times.

: I missed it, didn’t I? Oh well, I’ll leave him for the radio asshole.

: Oh, shit! That’s what happens when someone calls in your soul contract. Or what happens when you drink a liquid megido.

: What’s a liquid megido?

: Everclear and demon fire. Makes you breathe lasers through your mouth. And your eyes. And really any orifice lasers could come from.

: That’s disgusting.

: Aylin comes in and stomps on Ketheric’s corpse for a full ten seconds or so, and that’s the end of that.

: Normally Pollux would be doing this, but I was controlling Astarion at the time.

Narrator: In death, the body is cooling, but energy radiates from the stone.

: “Remarkable. Truly. And now the picture comes together. The Absolute is neither god nor man. It is the elder brain you saw, held here by those three against its will.”

1. How is it you’re able to leave the Astral Prism?
2. What are these stones?
3. I came here looking for a cure - I still haven’t found one.
4. Do you know who our enemies are?
5. Ketheric transformed during the fight - what was that?

: I’ll just explain what’s going on here: the villains in this game are call-backs to Baldur’s Gate 2. Everything here is specific to the PC games.

: “Ketheric transformed during the fight - what was that?”

: “I believe you fought and defeated an avatar of Myrkul, the god of necromancy. A remarkable feat. Ketheric was Myrkul’s chosen.”

: BG2’s plot involves three guys who become gods by shaking down the existing god of death. It is heavily implied that Withers is that god of death.

: “And who are the others?”

: “I know Lord Enver Gortash - an arms dealer and a slaver. He is a worshipper of Bane, the god of Tyranny.”

: Fitting because we’re going to shoot Gortash before throwing him off a plane. No, really - that’s the ideal way to do it. You can kidnap glitch him.

: “The other is a mystery to me. But the way she spoke, it is most likely she follows Bhaal - god of murder.”

: Bhaal’s chosen was.. I think he was the final boss of Baldur’s Gate 1. He shows up again in the expansion pack for Baldur’s Gate 2, titled “Throne of Bhaal”.

: “Which means the Absolute is a front for the gods of death and our enemies are the Chosen of the Dead Three.”

: That was the best they could come up with? They might as well have just named one Satan but with an E shoved in somewhere.

: Like that “Maneitobia” guy? The one you accidentally declared war on Manitoba trying to kill, back in the 70s.

: To be fair, it was an easy mistake to make.

: First time I’ve ever been hired to round up a bunch of oni, and where’d I find them all? A bar in Winnipeg, getting drunk with the locals.

: Should’ve just left 'em there. They fit right in.

: I debated killing Mara off at this point because I had a falling out with the artist who did his ref sheet, but I can’t do it. I enjoy writing him too much.

: Basically, I paid that artist for something I never got, and they appear to have gone offline altogether.

: “Chosen of the Dead Three?”

: Metal Gear?!

: “Bane, Bhaal, and Myrkul. The tyrant, the assassin, and the necromancer. They are known to pick from their most devout followers a Chosen, granting them incredible powers.”

: "Each one alone would be a formidable enemy. But working together, and controlling an elder brain… I dare not imagine what they might achieve.

: “What are these stones?”

: “The crown’s markings suggest it was forged in Netheril, an ancient empire whose mastery over magic rivaled that of the gods.”

: “It is a crown of domination. The stones were taken from its crest. They are Netherstones, imbued with the ability to control the wearer of the crown.”

: “The crown’s Netherese magic must be the true source of the parasites’ abilities. This must be what elevates their potential. And it must be the reason nobody could heal you.”

: It’s strange that they never explain why you couldn’t use the stones to kill the parasites off.

: On the way out, we have some dialog with Karlach that gets partially cut off by a loading screen. I have this game on an SSD.

: “You saw Gortash, didn’t you? What the fuck was he doing down there? Is this all because of him? I looked after that fucker with my life. I trusted him.”

: “He gave me away to Zariel without a second thought, and now he’s looking to ruin the entire Sword Coast. He has to die. And I’m gonna be the one who kills him.”

: Withers and Fake Minthara are here. Fake Minthara tells us about her world conquering plans and how she had sex with Orin.

: “Sure thing, whatever. We’ll conquer the world. And I’m happy you had sex with Orin, or sorry that happened.”

: As it turns out, Minthara has dialog if you didn’t “kill her” in the goblin camp. The game kind of doesn’t expect you to have caught on to her being a fake.

: I should mention that the plotline with the fake Minthara only happens if it’s feasible for her to have survived. If she dies, Orin doesn’t try this.

: “There is yet one thing that troubles me, though. Something I need you to explain. You chose to incapacitate me rather than killing me when you eradicated my minions. Why?”

: “I thought that if I could free you from the Absolute’s grip, I could.. um.. let you facetank a bunch of stuff.”

: “So might any other True Soul, and yet Gut and Ragzlin do not stand with us, under your protection.”

: (Because Gut and Ragzlin weren’t shapeshifters.)

: “Sparing an enemy’s life is a great risk. Even though I owe my life to the part of you that showed me mercy, it concerns me. If Ketheric had ordered me to slay you to prove my worth, I would have. Or died trying.”

: At this point, we can give all of Wyll’s items back to Lyselle and ditch Wyll forever.

: We also level up to 10, which is a big deal for Pollux. Contagion can be used to cheese Orin in a very similar way to how we cheesed Raphael.

: What I actually take is Conjure Elemental and Hunger of Hadar. Hunger of Hadar is BULLSHIT broken - one thing I didn’t show is that you can use it to fuck with Ketheric’s targeting in his fanfiction form.

: Wyll (and therefore Lyselle) gets the ability to see invisible at all times. We need this to get the best staff in the game.

: Karlach gets her superiority dice upgraded to a D10. These are pretty good.

: We also get Ketheric’s armor, which is garbage. It exists for people who have three heavy armor users for some reason.

: Ketheric’s shield is a different story. I think we can have Pollux dip a single level into Fighter to get shield proficiency, and if so he’s using it.

: Assuming we can do that, Pollux could potentially have the highest possible spell DC in the game if he gives up his eldritch blasts.

: All that’s left now are a shitload of cutscenes and me silently installing a mod to let us date Halsin. I had to do this because of a stupid change the developers made.

: Yeah fuck you too, Withers.

: The reason I had to do this is because the romance system in this game is also spaghetti. I’ll explain briefly.

: At launch, the game tracked approval with every party member regardless of whether you actually used them. This meant that eventually you’d reach the Fuck Singularity, in which every character in your camp would proposition you for sex at once - including those you never talked to or used.

: The developers must have taken this out, and this makes it impossible to date Halsin because all of his approval comes from one event: the Oliver quest. If he’s in the party at that point, you are on a one-way trip to boyfriend town.

: I didn’t realize the devs did this, and so we need to artificially boost Halsin’s approval to max.

: Aylin and Isobel have a lesbian scene on the way out. Am I going to transcribe this? No, because it’s three lines stretched out into like 30.

: “Your dad’s dead.”

: “Yay!”

: “We’re going to your camp to fuck.”

: This is how long the actual scene is. I felt like it was kind of unnecessary given that neither of them remain plot-relevant past this point.

: We can also talk to this guy, who basically goes “You’d make a great Flaming Fist” and then announces he has fantasy cancer.

: This scene plays on the way out, and is actually important.

: “We leave the heart of the Absolute, alive, thanks to you. You did well to defeat Ketheric. But Ketheric was only the first to fall. There are many more battles ahead, and they will not be so easily won. You will need allies.”

1. I already have allies.
2. I know. That’s why I recruited Jaheira.
3. I know. That’s why I recruited Halsin.
4. Enough lives have been lost. I don’t want to send others to their deaths.
5. I don’t need allies. I have you.

: “I know. That’s why I recruited Halsin.”

: What the fuck? No it isn’t, you recruited Halsin to date him.

: “Halsin’s strength and loyalty will bolster you in times of need. But if we are to succeed, we will need others. Baldur’s Gate may not know it yet, but its fate is bound to ours.”

: “Seek on its streets those whose purpose aligns with our own, and invite them to our cause. Together, we will put an end to the Absolute, the Chosen, all.”

: This starts the final quest of the game: Gather Your Allies. Based on your choices, certain characters will join you for the final battle.

: We already have Halsin and Volo, but we’ve secretly recruited (and failed to recruit) a few others.

: Let’s start with the ones we’ve ruled out.

: Mizora is out because we broke Wyll’s contract. The sword is more valuable than she is.

: We could have recruited the ox-blob, but we exterminated it instead.

: We can’t get Bhaal because we’re not The Dark Urge. The Dark Urge has a whole plotline involving becoming Bhaal’s chosen that we won’t see.

: Shadowheart can be recruited if you get her bad ending, because she stops being playable at that point. We’re already locked out of that.

: We could also have recruited the fish cult from Act 1, but it doesn’t strike me as something Pollux would do. Now let’s look at the ones we DO have that the game hasn’t told us about:

: Zevlor is recruited as soon as we freed him from that pod. This is one reason not to kill him.

: Similarly, Yurgir was recruited the moment we broke his contract. The part I blacked out is a mandatory, unmissable story quest which we cannot fail.

: I’m going to need to spam long rests to get him, since we are at the cutoff point, but our final ally is the owlbear.

: The game would tell us this if I had bothered to long rest. The owlbear is also kinda bullshit to recruit.

: On one night, he’ll come to camp asking for food. If you have Speak with Animals active (and it needs to have been activated during the day), you automatically pass this.

: If you don’t, it’s a Handle Animal check. Failing the check removes the owlbear from the game.

: He then gets scared off by Karlach.

: THIS is the bullshit part. The next night, the owlbear cub comes back with an injury you need to heal.

1. [NATURE] Inspect his wound.
2. [MEDICINE] Attempt to heal the injury.
3. [SURVIVAL] Try cleaning the wound.
4. Attack.
5. Leave him be.

: You get one shot at this. It’s only a DC 10, but failing it PERMAFUCKS YOU OUT OF THE OWLBEAR.

: The owlbear is also a really easy way to get approval with the entire party.

: Before we move on to Act 3, we have a couple more camp cutscenes.

: Funny enough, the owlbear is worth one owlbear of experience.

: We are NOT killing the owlbear cub.

: “I- F- or is it an E? Is it even a letter? What damned language is this?”

1. Want me to take a look?
2. Doing some stretches before bed?
3. Nice scars. Who’s the artist?

: “Want me to take a look?”

: “Ah! What are you doing?”

: “Just looking. What’s that on your back?”

: "A gift from Cazador, written in flesh. I think it says ‘mind your own damn business.’ "

1. [PERSUASION] You can let me look or spend all night twisting yourself into knots. Your call.
2. [INSIGHT] Look past the bluster and try to discern his true feelings.
3. Leave.

: “You can let me look or spend all night twisting yourself into knots. Your call..”

: “Fine.”

Narrator: “The pattern swirls before you, runes hacked crudely into his flesh. You can’t read it, but you recognize the letters: Infernal, the language of the hells.”

: I didn’t get this when I played, and even without knowing why it’s there it’s obvious who’s behind it.

: Hell doesn’t even have its own language. What are these people on?

: “And? What does it say?”

: “It’s written in Infernal. I can’t read it.”

: “Infernal? Are you sure? Can you show me?”

: “What did he do to me?”

: “Should we ask the others? They might know something.”

: “No! No, let’s keep this between ourselves. At least until we know what it means. Two centuries carrying this, and I can finally see it.”

1. You really have no idea what this is?
2. Did you ever see Cazador write in Infernal before?
3. Someone out there will be able to read it, I’m sure.
4. Disappointed?

: “Did you ever see Cazador write in Infernal before?”

: One thing I should mention here is that infernal is not by any means a rare language to speak in D&D. Any caster in 3.5E is going to speak it.

: “No. I could have missed it, of course, but I doubt it. Cazador was only figuratively hellish - there were never any devils hanging about the crypt. Whatever he’s left carved into my flesh, it’s a mystery to me.”

: “Thank you, by the way. This is… well, it’s something.”

: Our final action of this update is talking to Shadowheart and Aylin. What happens after this is a bit odd - we get two forced long rests in a row.

: Make sure before you rest the first night that all your gear is in order.

: “What do you know about me? You spoke of my past, being chased by wolves - I told no one about that. Almost no one. But I certainly didn’t share that with you.”

: “There is nothing I can tell you that you do not already know yourself. They trained you well, trained you hard. Chiselled away any part of you that did not fit their plan. They made you forget.”

: “I chose to do that. For the mission. To protect Shar’s-”

: “Secrets. Yes, yes. That is an old song, girl. Your goddess cares more for her precious secrets than she does her devotees.”

: “Get to the point.”

: “When you freed me, you severed a bond between me and that dog, Thorm. A bond of pain - his, inflicted on me.”

: “When I laid eyes on you, I sensed a similar bond. You, tethered to two others, someplace distant. Let me help you remember.”

: We then get a flashback to the end of the wolf dream, which is great if you’ve never actually seen the wolf dream because it depends on her failing a save.

: We’ll be killing that lady in the mask as soon as possible, because she’s the gatekeeper to permanent stat increases. Expect that to be a full long rest, because I remember that fight being a pain.

: That’s her dad? Why isn’t she some kind of furry?

: Ni no Kuni 2 rules, presumably.

: I’m sure someone in the furry community has done furry art of Shadowheart.

Narrator: You remember that it is a common rite amongst Selune’s followers to send their children off into the woods to find their way home. Perhaps this time, it had gone awry. It seems that one child never came back. She was taken.

: “What.. who was that man?”

: “You already know. Did you not see yourself in him? Do you not recognize your own blood?”

: “My father? That was him?”

: “That is him. He lives still, and your mother too.”

: “No, it can’t be. I’m an orphan.”

: She reminds me of this girl I went to high school with who’s even sparklier than I am. She went through a goth phase even though she had rainbow hair.

: There are people.. sparklier.. than you? I need a drink.

: I’m maybe a six out of ten on the sparkle scale.

: “And who told you that? Your adoptive family? You are not to blame. You were young, impressionable. They took you because they wanted to break and remake you. But you are a child no longer. You are a woman. One who knows what must be done.”

: “My parents. I need to save them.”

1. I’ll help.
2. Perhaps this isn’t a good idea.
3. We’ve got other concerns.
4. Does this mean you’re a Selunite?

: “Does this mean you’re a Selunite?”

: “I.. I don’t know.”

: “Your parents both followed the Moonmaiden. I could sense their faith, even in a brief glimpse of the past. They are with your abductors. You will need to return to their lair. But be warned.”

: “You may have once thought of them as comrades, mentors, friends, even lovers. They will all be enemies now. You have been forewarned for what is to come, but not yet forearmed.”

: “The Spear of Night? I thought we sent that to the groin kick void or whatever that was.”

: “I was able to retrieve it, before it sank too far into Shar’s umbral domain. Shar is quick to discard whatever she has no use for. I think you know that well enough.”

: “But I felt it call to me as I took flight. Whatever Shar calls her own, Selune has equal claim to. They are one and the same. Their power is matched.. and mirrored. Take it. You will find it useful. What you do with it.. will be up to you. Same as before.”

: I forgot to screencap the spear’s stats, but they’re identical to the one we got on Shadowheart’s bad end route. What’s different are the abilities.

: Moonmote is effectively that buff we got for solving the Blood of Lathander puzzle back in Act 1, but in a limited area.

: Unfortunately, Shadowheart doesn’t get any extra spells like the overpowered free hunger of hadar she gets for being evil.

: On my second run after installing the mod I needed, I got this scene on the first long rest after Act 2. I never got this on my first playthrough.

: “Here Halsin, have this random key I found in that void where all the guns were in Ethel’s basement.”

: “Wow! Let’s be boyfriends.”

: Next time, we’ll enter Act 3. I also contracted a different, better artist to make the show-accurate Mara sheet. Their discord is patdash and they’re great.

: It’s slightly bigger than the radio asshole’s and the TV fucker’s. As it should be.

[Timrod]

Summary

: I want to open by saying that I delayed this update a bit because..

: Mara now has a show-accurate ref sheet done by patdash on Discord. Ball’s in your court, Vivienne.

: It’s even slightly bigger than the radio asshole’s, which is one of two things I have that are bigger than his.

: It’s time for another cutscene dump. I’m just going to paraphrase this one.

: Gortash is having his portrait painted, and a weird fucked-up looking elf lady comes in and tells him there’s earthquakes going on.

: Surprise, she’s actually Orin in disguise and does her usual “KILL BLOOD MAIM” bullshit for a couple of seconds then fucks off.

: This whole thing is to introduce a quest line we won’t even see. Part of the evil route is siding with either Gortash or Orin and killing the other.

: “Astarion, what are you doing?”

: “Looking at the ground wistfully for the camera.”

: “Nothing makes sense anymore.”

Narrator: Beyond the campsite, the city waits in uneasy silence - one sleep away.

: “Lyselle, why are you wearing Minthara’s outfit?”

: “My only outfit was that stupid monk robe, so I stole them off Minthara when we killed her.”

: This campsite has a bunch of booze in it, which we’re going to want to grab because from what I remember, this is the only time we use this camp.

: Gale wants to talk to us before we go to sleep, and this is actually kind of important if you haven’t played the game before.

: “I was supposed to sacrifice myself to stop the Absolute - yet I don’t think I could have gone through with it, in truth. And I’m glad I didn’t, given what has come to light.”

: If Gale blows himself up, it’s a non-standard game over. He kills all three of the Fanfiction Brothers in one go and takes out the brain, but then everyone immediately transforms into mind flayers.

: “I’m um.. glad you didn’t blow yourself up? Or sorry that happened. Or whatever. There’s a reason you’re permabenched.”

: “We need to learn more about what we saw - especially that crown sitting on top of the elder brain. I believe it may be a powerful netherese artifact.”

: “As luck would have it, we’ll soon find ourselves near one of the finest book collections this side of Candlekeep - Sorcerous Sundries. I need to go there, and learn all I can.”

: Sorcerous Sundries is the location of the best staff in the game. It’s going to be one of the first places we’ll go in the city.

: The city has a couple of sidequests we want to do first. One of them leads you to the character Frank in Shadow Hearts 3 was based on.

: What we’re probably going to do is do Shadowheart’s character quest first, because that’s going to require me to respec the entire party.

: We can also talk to Halsin. Let’s do that.

1. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re quite large for an elf.
2. How did you come to be a druid?
3. Do you have people out there somewhere? Family? Friends? A lover, perhaps?
4. Tell me something about yourself that I wouldn’t even think to ask.
5. That’s enough for now.

: “How did you come to be a druid?”

: “You’re not a doppelganger, are you? Trying to study me, learn all my secrets so you can take my place?”

: “I had a friend when I was young, long ago. He played with me in the forests where I grew up… but eventually, I realized no one else had heard of him.”

: “It was Thaniel, of course. Nature was my very first friend. I get older, but he hasn’t changed a day. I knew then that I had to be more than a companion to him. I had to be a protector.”

: Hold on. Back up. What was that part about the doppelganger?

: It was just a joke. I could hardly believe it when that demon told me about Minthara.

: No, I think you’ve got it. Think about it. The fake Minthara. If she wanted to get to me, what would she do?

: She’d replace.. me.

: I think you should come with me tomorrow. We’re going to lay a trap for the shapeshifter.

: Almost all of these questions we can ask Halsin are either foreshadowing or references to something. For instance, Question 4.

: “Tell me something about yourself that I wouldn’t think to ask.”

: “Hmm, I suppose you wouldn’t be shocked to learn that I love animals and nature? I know, I know; well-trodden territory. Well, let’s see.. I whittle in my spare time, and I’ve something of a sweet tooth - though everyone’s very amused when I say I like honey.”

1. Whittling? What do you make?
2. So you turn into a bear and you like honey? A little on the nose.
3. You’re fortunate to know what you like. I wouldn’t pay any attention to what others think.
4. Thank you for sharing.

: “Whittling? What do you make?”

: “Ornaments, utensils - and ducks. I like ducks.”

: Reminds me of a certain pathetic theater kid I know.

: “Thank me by returning the favor, why don’t you? Come on - I’m sure you’ve got something better than carving wooden ducks.”

: “I live in mortal fear of krakens, though I’ve never actually seen one.”

: This is a reference to Divinity: Original Sin 2, which starts with your character on a boat being attacked by a kraken.

: You later fight the kraken as a boss and that was the point where I dropped the game. Anyway, before you move on - make sure your party is in order.

: Pollux tries to sleep, and then the brain starts commanding him to march on the city.

: The prism then flies away for some reason, and opens a portal that starts shitting out gith.

: These gith are all monks and hit extremely hard. We have three turns to get to the portal or it’s a game over.

: It’s entirely possible to set up explosives on the stairs if you know this is coming, but the portal will continually shit out gith until the timer expires.

: You also have a debuff that slowly fucks you over by reducing saves and doing damage per turn. The good news is that we can solve this in one turn.

: We only need one person to make it to the portal to progress, and everyone has at least one method of teleportation. I have Pollux use Dimension Door and warp right to the portal.

: Get settled in, because we have a solid 15 minutes of cutscene as the writers try to patch up the plot holes.

: “That orb’s going to blow, and soon.”

: We get another few seconds of a bunch of gith monks tumbling around. Monks are annoyances, and that’s about all they are.

: I know it’s part of the plot, but it seemed kind of dumb that the gith didn’t do this way earlier.

: Up ahead are two monks and an army of intellect devourers.

: Have I mentioned monks can straight up use Fireball in 5E? This was WoTC’s attempt to fix them as a class. They removed this in 2024 5E.

: Anyway, the reason they’re annoying is because they have Evasion, which halves spell damage and nullifies it completely on a save.

: They’re also immune to difficult terrain and can no-sell a single ranged attack per round because monks are designed to fuck casters over.

: This wouldn’t be as big of a problem if we had more mind-affecting spells (things like Magic Jar) where you can target the monk’s will save and force them to kill themselves.

: We then jump down and the game forgets to bring the party with Pollux before immediately launching into another cutscene.

: A mind flayer shows up and throws a rock at a monk, who promptly smashes it. Why the mind flayer would do this instead of mind controlling them is a mystery.

: Takes too long. By the time you figure out the most amusing way for them to kill themselves, they break out.

: “Before you do anything - I am your ally. We are in DANGER.”

: The mind flayer has a male voiceactor now, and this happens regardless of which gender you make your dream guardian.

: “The githyanki is the source of our protection against the Absolute. I MUST subdue him or everything we’ve worked towards is lost.”

: “Don’t let my form deceive you. I am the one that’s been protecting you. I am the one that came to you in your dreams. Help me.”

1. What do you need me to do?
2. Leave the githyanki alone!
3. Prove to me that you are who you say.
4. This is the battle you were fighting?
5. I don’t believe you. You’re a mind flayer.
6. Die, monster!

: I wish we could kill him.

: You can kill him, but it’s an automatic game over, which is dumb. This character was a lot better in the beta, by which I mean their writing was more atrocious.

: In the beta, the mind flayer tries to catfish you into letting the brain destroy the city. If you say yes, there was a scene where you sit by a river and watch the city burn. That’s where the title theme came from.

: “This is the battle you were fighting?”

: “The honor guard. Eliminate them. My forces are weakened by their assault. But with your help, we can turn this around. Destroy the guard. I will subdue their master.”

: “Nah, fuck you.”

: “Do NOT be driven by fear! Trust me now and I promise you will have all the answers you seek.”

: The fight starts with four gith versus the party and the mind flayer. Everyone but Pollux is about a mile back.

: I fucked up casting Hunger of Hadar on this take, I meant to cast it right in the middle. Not that it matters, since this entire zone has no gravity and monks can jump nearly the entire length of the skull in one action.

: I also have Lyselle cast Black Tentacles, which does nothing because monks are immune to it. Ideally, you should probably ditch any casters who aren’t Eldritch Blast spammers.

: The good news is that Karlach can one turn kill most of them because they have no real defense against weapon damage.

: In 2024 5E, they kinda do because Deflect Arrows got upgraded to Deflect Everything Including Magic, but that only protects against one attack.

: This gith is the leader, and is equally vulnerable to being stabbed.

: They should put some armor on. Why do you think I wear this thing around?

: They.. can’t. Monks lose all their abilities if they wear armor.

: Eventually, the mind flayer ends it by casting Chain Lightning. I’m not sure why this hits for full damage.

: “Thank you. That was too close. Don’t look at me like that. I am a mind flayer, yes. Without me you would be a slave to the Absolute.”

: “A mind flayer? How is this possible? Gods, we’ve been so… blind.”

1. Thank you for saving me.
2. I always suspected you were a mind flayer.
3. You were in the Prism all along? Why did you deceive me?
4. I prefer the other version of you.
5. Tell me everything.

: “You were in the prism all along? Why did you deceive me?”

: “It was necessary. Rare are those that would openly consider a partnership with a mind flayer. Even those who are on the path of becoming one.”

: “I was someone once. An adventurer. I came from Baldur’s Gate, though I was never one to be constrained by circumstance. I longed for more.”

: “That longing brought me to Moonrise Towers on a search for treasure. To a colony of mind flayers who caught me, changed me into what I am now.”

: This part of the plot makes no fucking sense. Remember, Ketheric launched his war against the druids over a century ago.

: The game implies that the mind flayer colony was something built after the Fanfiction Brothers came up with the “take over the brain” plot, but it was apparently there the entire time and Ketheric didn’t use it because ???.

: You’ve already seen from the Pathfinder Scenario LP that RPG writing usually sucks, and this is no exception.

: “For years I served the elder brain - the one you know as the Absolute. I was a thrall like any other. But I was fortunate. I broke free, and started a new life in my old city.”

: “I sustained myself on criminals. Unglamourous, but there were plenty of them, rarely missed, and they fulfilled me while I did my work.”

: He really likes to hear himself talk, doesn’t he?

: “I had the good fortune to meet Duke Stelmane. We formed a partnership, and through her I became the governing force behind the Knights of the Shield, the largest mercantile operation in Baldur’s Gate.”

: What does any of this have to do with anything?

: You mean you don’t want to hear about how Gortash threw me back to the brain and then I never explain how I got into the prism?

: No. Kindly fuck off.

: Anyway, that’s Orpheus and you just killed his honor guard. He’s bound here by demon chains because Vlaakith made a deal with some asshole who sounds like he has a radio shoved up his ass.

: I’m blowing him up as soon as I get the chance.

: Orpheus has the same power as his mom which lets him disrupt psychic communication and Vlaakith locked him away in case she needed to usurp the power for herself.

: Then wait, why didn’t she just kill him and take his power in the first place?

: Shut up.

: Make me.

: Anyway, you should TRUST ME and eat this super mind flayer larva that is made of pure fanfiction and turns you into a HALF-MIND FLAYER.

: No.

: One of the stupid side plots in Act 3 is that you can turn your character fully into a mind flayer. Pollux will not be doing this, as the only thing he’s looking to suck on is Halsin.

: You can also turn Karlach into a mind flayer. We will not be doing that either.

: One of the gith has a pair of boots that complete the “Kushigo” set. We don’t really care. There are a few corpses with potions on them as well.

: We then get a free long rest, and we can go into Act 3 for real.

: And by Act 3, I mean the suburbs. Rivington is where a very, very important hidden quest comes into play.

: See this little girl? This is where the hidden quest starts. It won’t actually progress until we reach the second major hub of Act 3.

: Act 3 has three hubs: Rivington, the Lower City, and Wyrm’s Crossing. The Upper City was originally planned but cut before release.

: “Erm. 'Scuse me. I can’t find my mum.”

1. Where did you last see her?
2. What’s your name?
3. That’s your problem, kid. Get lost.

: “What’s your name?”

: “Yenna! And my cat is Grub. He’s shy. I’m not.”

: She’s got three more kids behind you trying to steal your wallet.

: I like how they took the “just make a small adult” approach instead of trying to model a kid.

: “My mum is called Emery. She went to go get some herbs - for her spots. She was sick. And she was supposed to come back the same day. That was last tenday though.”

: “I could take you to a guard. I’m sure the Flaming Fist could help you.”

: “I’m a lovable street urchin in her early 30s. Guards don’t help people like us.”

: “Okay, uh.. do you want some food? Astarion seems to approve of me giving you stuff.”

: “Wow, thanks!”

: Our first stop in Rivington is right in front of the party. This house has a sidequest in it, and we want to do it because it’s the easiest way to unlock the next area.

Ben Golewitz: The place was empty! Keep those thugs away from my family.

: This guy sounds like Steve from Dagger of Amon Ra - they put an effect on to make his voice deeper, but it’s not as extreme as the one in Dagger.

: I accidentally nudged my controller, but this guy’s name is Arfur and he immediately calls for his mercenary.

Zenovia Dawg: “Arfur, sweetheart - you paid me and my boys to be caravan guards, not cattle wranglers. If you want us to get our hands dirty, it’d be our pleasure - but that’ll be extra.”

1. Calm down and tell me what’s going on.
2. You certainly know how to make people feel welcome.
3. Does no one we meet ever get along?
4. The army of the Absolute is mere days away and you’re bickering over property ownership?

: “Oh, you hired the local mafia. Cute. Stand down immediately or I kill you all.”

Arfur Gregorio: “I just want to remove these unlawful interlopers from my property!”

1. This is a pretty big house - are you sure you don’t have a single spare room?
2. It’s always heartening to see a true philanthropist out in the wild.
3. Squatters, is it? Maybe I’d be willing to lend a helping hand.
4. [DETECT THOUGHTS] Delve into this frustrated man’s mind.
5. Leave.

: I really like how Pollux looks in this pose.

Arfur Gregorio: “Pft, they’re like kobolds - you let one in and soon the place will be crawling with them! I’m a very magnanimous individual, but this is my home. Either they live, or I’ll make them.”

: Pollux fails an insight check here, but we’ll see what this guy’s hiding soon enough. There’s also a really funny alternate way to do this - I’ll show it off right after.

: “You can let them stay, or I can kill you and your dumbfuck mercenary buddies.”

: At this point, the mercs from the local Crime Guild decide to attack and we kill them all. Let me show you the funny way to do this.

: Step one is to get Astarion invisible and have him pickpocket Arfur of all his money. You could also steal the pass Arfur has to get into the next area.. except you can only steal one thing before invisibility breaks because 5E is dumb.

: Next, we use the Detect Thoughts option, which tells us that Arfur has something in his basement.

: “I hear these sorts of houses always have basements. What do you use yours for?”

Arfur Gregorio: “My basement? Oh, nothing interesting! Just materials - I’m a craftsman, you see. Look, I have some very valuable components in there. I need to get that lot out before they damage something.”

: “Mind if I have a look at all those explosives in your basement that you’ve been thinking about?”

Arfur Gregorio: “Who do you think you are? Zenovia, people are lining up to break into my property - do something about it!”

: There’s just one problem - Arfur hasn’t paid her.

: Arfur then spends several seconds frustratedly searching for his money and not finding it.

: The mercs fuck off without a fight, and we get the full experience as if we fought them. You can also intimidate the mercs down, but this is funnier.

: Normally I’d insist on killing them all, but that is kinda funny.

: I also thought about kidnapping him, but the problem is that this part of Act 3 has no warp points that aren’t within sight of a hundred people.

: If you go upstairs in Arfur’s house, you can lockpick his bedroom which gives you some minor treasure and his erotic fanfiction.

: It’s always about the breasts.

: This is the point in the game where it starts hurling cosmetics at you, which is really weird. I guess it’s there if you want to roleplay not wearing armor in public.

: The bedroom has a key to this hatch.

: The basement is full of traps and occasionally breaks pathfinding - I had Astarion get frozen and had to reload the game.

: The traps can be disarmed to get fireworks, which act like one-use fireballs that do less than a third of what Mara was doing in Pathfinder at 5th level.

: We can also find some explosive barrels.

: These are super oil barrels, and it’s a pity there’s so few of them. They do 8d6 fire compared to an oil barrel’s 6d6, but more importantly don’t allow a save to reduce damage.

: How has Arfur not blown himself up?

: One reload later, and we find this chest with a note in it. The chest is locked and trapped.

Arfur, package still waiting for you at Felogyr’s. You’d better not be late again or we’ll start to wonder if you’re really as committed as you claim to be. Pick it up, put it in the teddy bears, make the donation. It couldn’t be simpler, really. If it’s still here this time tomorrow, we’ll stuff you with it. As you well know, we’ve plenty to spare.

: For finding this, we get 3.25 owlbears of experience. I think you get more if you didn’t steal Arfur’s pass to the next area, but I did that on this run by clicking really fast.

: Next door is a smithy I’m mostly going to ignore. The “smith” is actually Orin in disguise. The only reason I’m mentioning this is because there is a Dis-Honor Mode level bug you can do here.

: For this bug to work, you need people in two locations at once. You can use the smith, but there’s a much easier location.

: This barn is part of the quest from Arfur’s house. It’s located down the path from the blacksmith, and has this guard in front of it.

: Leave Karlach here, and ideally Shadowheart as well.

: Make sure Shadowheart has the Contagion spell ready.

: Down near the gate to the next area is a reporter. Both the reporter and that guard are Orin. Now we just need to create a minor time paradox.

: Talk to the reporter and tell her you have no comment and aren’t interested.

: Turn on non-lethal attacks and try to knock the guard out in one hit. This bug is finicky and we’re using the guard first. If it doesn’t work, try it on the reporter.

: Half the time, the guard will turn back into Orin. The other half, she gets her shit knocked out. This is when we cast Contagion, which persists all the way to her boss fight.

: Feel free to steal her armor too.

: I thought that was her skin when I played it. It shouldn’t be able to hold together like that.

: If you interact with the smith, Orin fucks off and the actual smith comes out accusing you of attacking him. You can persuade him away or kill him. Either way, it’s 10 owlbears of EXP.

: The place I actually wanted to head is right here, to this temple next to the blacksmith. Remember the talking amulet we found in that lava pit in Act 1? This is where we resolve that quest.

Novice Bramble: “The Crying One weeps today. Our Father Lorgan is dead. Murdered!”

: There’s a second quest here to investigate the murder. We’ll do this because it takes us to a place we already need to go.

: Oh! That’s a hollyphant! They’re angel elephants who love hugs. They can grow into mammoths and shoot rays of light from their trunks.

: Sounds like something those morons would enjoy. Just like the herd of pangolins they filled my club with because they thought it was a cat cafe.

: That’s so cute though!

: Sure. “Cute”. Look up how their anatomy works sometime.

: In Descent to Avernus, Zariel has a pet hollyphant who gets driven insane when she falls. There is an entire plotline where you can redeem Zariel by finding her pet and showing it to her.

Sister Yannis: “Look, investigator. Brilgor might have been a criminal, but he was no murderer. You’re missing something, you have to be -”

: “Enough, Yannis! Listen to yourself. You are defending a man who ritually slaughtered your high priest. The evidence speaks for itself. Brilgor killed Father Lorgan, then be it out of shame or profane duty offed himself with the same blade. Case closed, Sister Yannis.”

: We’re exterminating this thing before the angels get any ideas.

Sister Yannis: “Shitty little elephant. Oh, um. I apologize, stranger. Language like that hardly befits a rector of Ilmater.”

: “No, you’re right. That elephant sucks and I hate it.”

Sister Yannis: “I suppose you’re right. The Crying One has much more on his plate than curse words, given what just happened here.”

: “Ah, yes. Father Lorgan’s passing. My condolences.”

Sister Yannis: “It wasn’t just Father Lorgan. Two people just died on temple grounds. Our high priest, Father Lorgan, and one of the new refugees, Brilgor. Investigator Valeria thinks it a murder, and is content to blame Brilgor. The politically convenient target.”

: “No murder story I’ve ever read has ended simply - I bet there’s more afoot here.”

: We can also ask her about the amulet monk’s daughter, only to learn she died last year. That’s gonna complicate things.

: You can talk to people for hints, or just find the kitchen and see the blood-covered hatch like everyone does.

: All you have to do is follow the blood trail to the room full of dead bodies.

: Reminds me of home, only with fewer bodies.

: The three people in here are doppelgangers, which..

: Are evil. Pure evil.

: One of them has a key that we need to finish the murder quest. The other has a letter hinting at a special dagger being around here somewhere.

: We can also find a camp full of dead tieflings with some food in it.

: The dagger we’re looking for is right here. You can do a DC 5 perception check to notice it, but you can also just click it if you know where it is (or hold down the “show all hotspots” button).

: This dagger is trash. If you can use this, you can use one of the two shortswords Astarion is lugging around.

: On the way back, we can stop and find Lorgan’s body in the infirmary. He tells us a dwarf killed him.

: Heh. Killed by a dwarf. The indignity of it all.

: While we’re here, we might as well stop and return the amulet. Valeria left while we were killing the doppelgangers, and finishing the quest requires using that key we found.

: I’m going to skip a lot of this, because almost no one (unless maybe your main character is a monk) is going to do this quest.

: We get two options: either take the monk’s curse for him, or fight him.

: If you take the curse, you need to make two DC 15 wisdom checks. One of them can be absorbed by the parasite, so really you only need to make one.

: If you fail, you permanently lose one point of wisdom. This is why no one would ever do this quest on honor mode. Sure, you can boost saves, but you can’t guarantee a winning roll.

: The reward for taking the curse is trash - you get the ability to cast Hideous Laughter once per long rest. At 10th level, this is beyond pointless. Hideous Laughter was a bad spell in 3.5E and is even worse in 5E.

: The monk died on the way back to his home planet.

: He was a space alien?

: He might as well be.

: To continue the murder quest, we need to go into the next area. I’ll show off the cutscene that happens when you do this, but there’s a much easier way.

: “Halt! By orders of Lord Gortash, refugees are no longer allowed in the city. Turn around.”

: There’s a bunch of dialog options, but they all lead to the same place.

: “Give me 200 gold.”

: “Fine, here’s 200 gold.”

: “Right. Article 30.1.15 of the Council’s Decree on Extraordinary Wartime Measures. I am confiscating that. The city thanks you for your contribution. Your name?”

1. Why do you need my name?
2. My name is Pollux.
3. I’m called Daisy Dewdrop Fluffington.
4. Never mind. I’ll be on my way.
5. You are scamming me. Give me my money back.

: “My name is Pollux.”

: “Well met, Citizen Pollux. Please submit to a scan.”

: What genre are we even in?

Narrator: Behind the Watcher’s gaze, a presence awakens. You are seen, you are known. Your party’s prior transgressions are reflected in its stare, as witnessed by the cult’s ever-alert scrying eyes."

: What the fuck?! How did they even know… all the eyes died before they could see anything!

: I thought it was because they figured out that none of those cultists ever came back.

Narrator: It has heard the howls of slaughtered goblins. It has seen the deep shadows of Grymforge, and the stone floors left bloodied. It knows the cold walls of Moonrise Towers, and the cultists who fell there. The Watcher speaks directly into your mind with a voice like poisoned honey.

: “You are marked for special treatment. Not simply an enemy of the people, but an enemy of the Absolute. Come quietly, or die.”

: Fighting any of these robots is bullshit. They resist all physical damage, are vulnerable only to lightning, and have advantage on all saves against magic.

: You might as why I have Lae’zel, Gale, and Halsin in the party and that’s because this is from an earlier recording where I resolved the fake Minthara quest early.

: Now, we could pay the 200 gold.. or we could simply bypass the checkpoint altogether.

: If you look at it from a distance, you can see there’s scaffolding on the side of the checkpoint.

: This short gap (which even Lyselle can jump unassisted) is how we bypass everything.

: After a short climb, we come up the other side and the guards will never notice us again.

: We can then head back down this way (past the disguised Orin) to get to the place the gnomes would’ve led us had they saved us from the robot.

: Oh, it’s that gnome we saved in the underdark. And is that.. two runepowder barrels? Astarion, get on it.

: These are very annoying to steal because there are so many eyes on them, and if anyone sees them move they’ll immediately grab them.

: This is one of those things where I just think it’s bad game design.

: Let’s set some boxes down at the entrance. This will fuck up the pathfinding, which is necessary for what we’re about to do.

: Once your boxes are down, spawn a mage hand and go into turn-based mode.

: Stacking the barrels like this lets you move them as a single item. From there, you just need to get them past the barricade.

: We have everything we really need from here, but there is something else I need to show quick.

: This guy here is a trader, and he sells an item that is very useful against a boss later in Act 3 - the same one that made me drop the game.

: Specifically, these grenades. These stun Steel Watchers (the robot we ran into) and are needed when we fight one as a boss.

: Past the checkpoint, we can find Sharess’s Caress - the brothel that Voss told us to meet him in. Let’s finish the murder quest first.

: The flophouse is across the street.

: There’s not much interesting in it, so we head to the third floor using this ladder.

: This wardrobe is fake and opens using the key we took off the doppelganger under the temple.

: We can pull out a body and talk to it using Speak with Dead. Pollux really got a lot of mileage out of that amulet we pulled out of Withers’s coffin at the start of the game.

Ffion Goldgrind: “Murdered.. by my own son…”

: She confirms that the killer is a dwarf in red.

: What we need is the dwarf’s hit list, which is right here.

: This gets us nearly 25 owlbears of experience and another way into the final area of Act 3.

: We now have what we need to go into the brothel.

: “NEVER.”

: If you talk to the madam, you can find out that her “Stern Librarian” has gone missing. The librarian is the dwarf we just found dead. We’ll skip this.

: The reason is that the reward is bisexual incest sex with a pair of drow twins and Pollux wants no part of that.

: I don’t think the writers understood how much that whole concept grosses people out.

: Valeria is upstairs, and we have all the evidence we need, so let’s finish this quest.

: “Another case closed, another bottle open! Huzzah to Valeri-AH!”

: “Hang on a tick, I recognize that face. You were talking to Yannis after I left the temple. I’ll bet she’s put you up to something.”

1. I’m just here to drink.
2. Afraid so - I’ve found new evidence, Investigator.
3. She asked me to find Lorgan’s real killer, seeing as you can’t be bothered.
4. Leave.

: “Afraid so - I’ve found new evidence, Investigator.”

: “Why must you busybodies insist on interrupting a perfectly good night of.. ugh. I know that look. You remind me of Devella. Fine - if you doubt my conclusions, out with it. What have you found?”

: “I found the murder weapon you missed in a tunnel under the temple.”

: “That’s quite the discovery. Doesn’t tell me everything, though. Why was Lorgan killed?”

: “What is this, Dagger of Amon Ra? There were a bunch of shapeshifters hiding under the temple in a tunnel full of dead bodies, and I found a hit list from a murder cult they belonged to.”

: “Really? You as well? Devella’s been harping on about Bhaal for months. Fancies herself something of an expert. I assumed it was just a bunch of conspiracy codswollop and fearmongering, but she’s been unusually insistent about this one, even for her.”

: “Ugh, fine. I’ll bite. What’s your theory?”

: “It’s not a theory. I have proof. This document contains information connecting the murders to the Bhaalist resurgence.”

: “No need to wave documents at me. I’m already drowning in paperwork as it is. Constable Devella is going to be a real pain in the trunk about this.”

: “Since you seem to be on an obnoxiously similar wavelength, why don’t you seek her out? She’ll be at the Elfsong Tavern. Show her the list, and I’ll stay and inform the Fist here.”

: “Oh, and you’ll need this pass - it’ll give you access to the Lower City.”

: This is another way we can get the pass into the next area.

: To find Voss, we need to go into the brothel rooms at the top and find this particular room.

: “You must hear me, devil. I will do whatever it takes - give you anything you ask.”

: “There is only one thing in this world that I desire. You do not have it, and you never will.”

: “You must help me, Raphael. For the sake of my people.”

: “Hush now, Voss. These guests may not know it yet, but they want the same thing that you do. And unlike you, they have something of value to offer in return.”’

: “Whatever you discuss with this devil, I must hear of it. Find me below in the taproom once you’re loosed from his claws.”

: “I’m glad you came. Not to my door, not yet, but to the final reckoning. One more thing before we begin, though.”

Narrator: “For the first time since the nautiloid, your mind is clear. It’s.. unsettling.”

: “Did you just cure me of the tadpole? With a click of your fingers?”

: “Wouldn’t that be exquisite? But no. I’m afraid the tadpole is still there. But I did shut out your other visitor for a while, so we can enjoy some privacy. The illithid can’t hear us.”

: “Huh. What’s the catch?”

: “Then speak freely. Tell me why you brought me here.”

: “I brought you here because I’m true to my word, and I can make all of this tadpole business go away. Which means you and your lovely friends can remain blessedly free of tentacles.”

: “Let us speak plain. I’ll admit - you’ve impressed me. I wasn’t sure you’d make it this far. But no matter how far you come, you’re still on the road to ruin - a road that leads directly to a confrontation with the elder brain.”

: “At best, it will kill you and everyone else in this city. At worst, it will assimilate you, and you won’t have enough free will left to even wish you were dead. You have the key to destroying it in the palm of your hand, though.”

1. The Astral Prism?
2. The Emperor?
3. Orpheus?

: “Orpheus.”

: “Very perceptive. Yes. I can give you the means to break him free. The Orphic Hammer. An artefact capable of shattering the chains that hold Prince Orpheus is held securely in my Hazbin Hotel House of Hope even now.”

: “How very convenient that you have exactly what I need.”

: “Isn’t it just? And it’s even more convenient that you can give me exactly what I want in return.”

: “There it is. Of course.”

: “I want the Crown that dominates the elder brain.”

: “And I want to invade your shitty hotel and exterminate you.”

: “Then you will die, along with every other soul in this city.”

: If you take Raphael’s deal, he demands your party’s souls as collateral. However.. let’s fast forward a bit and go to camp.

: “Yurgir? What are you doing here?”

: “Nice place you have here, little rabbit. Could use a few more trophies, perhaps. I’ll keep this short, or my absence will be noted. You need the Orphic Hammer, and I know where you need to look.”

: “There’s a diabolist - name’s Helsik - in the Lower City. She can get you into the Hazbin Hotel House of Hope - our mutual friend Raphael’s abode.”

: “You really should just join our party.”

: “Oh, I will. Get there, and you’ll see. Forget I was ever here - but remember what I said.”

: There is another way to find this information if you do Jaheira’s quest, and you can of course just walk into Helsik’s shop unprompted.

: On the way out, we run into Korrilla, who is Alastor Raphael’s assistant. She appears in a couple of places earlier in the game, but teleports away if you notice her.

: The places she appears are next to Wyll at the tiefling party and hidden in a corner of the mason’s guild in Act 2.

: Most notably though… do you remember back in Act 1 when we dealt with Gut? How she tried to give Pollux a sleeping potion? If your character isn’t an elf and you take the potion, Gut throws you in prison.

: If that happens, Korrilla shows up and kills Gut and the ogre as a failsafe.

: Arfur is here watching a stripper, and if we hadn’t stolen the pass off him we’d need to talk to him to advance the quest from his basement.

: We’ll need to advance it manually instead. Doing so isn’t hard. We know that Arfur had a bunch of explosives and was donating teddy bears to the refugees.

: There is a refugee encampment right behind his house. You can see it from his front door.

: We need to talk to the dwarf standing behind the table.

: In the back of the warehouse is a crate with bears in it. Getting close to it lets you find that it’s trapped.

: Disarming it gets you three very unique items. These teddy bears can be thrown to do 6d6 fire damage, which makes them pretty good as grenades go.

: This is as far as we can progress the quest - to go any further, we need to reach the Lower City. We could get there right now, but I want to do the first part of Jaheira’s quest first, which is on this side of Act 3.

: Danthelon’s Dancing Axe is next door to the flophouse.

: We’ll bring Jaheira for this even though the game has a pathfinding issue during the one spot where she’d make a difference. She’s otherwise kind of an extraneous character.

: In this game, she’s just a second druid that isn’t as good as Halsin, which is weird because in BG1 and BG2 she was a Druid/Fighter multiclass.

: She does come with a scimitar that would be better on just about anyone else. If I was developing this game, I would have had her use 2E mechanics just because. If you’re going to fanfiction the enemies, give me access to Elf as a class in 5E.

: Elf and Dwarf were classes in AD&D and it made no sense - you could be an elf or dwarf without having levels in Elf or Dwarf and the whole thing was a clusterfuck.

: For reference, Elf was essentially “I want to be Legolas” class that became Ranger and Dwarf was a Fighter offshoot.

: This guy looks VERY close to Dipshit McOracle. If you don’t have Jaheira, you have to convince him to let you into the back.

: This part is really glitchy because there’s a cutscene trigger at the bottom of the ladder but the party tends to get stuck on the ladder.

: “You.. are not Jaheira. I… I was hoping to greet the High Harper beneath Selune’s Tears.”

Harper Chelvin: “You have the lad a little nervous - you’re the one that toppled Ketheric out in the shadowlands, no?”

1. [DETECT THOUGHTS] You’re a little lost. Probate Geraldus’s thoughts.
2. Ketheric was only the beginning. You have information on the other Chosen?
3. And you are…?

: If Jaheira is in conversation range (below the halfway point of the ladder), she’ll immediately recognize the code phrase he’s using.

: The detect thoughts option is funnier, though.

: “Strike, strike, strike - before the doppelgangers do!”

: The third option gives us a surprise round.

: With his robe and three rays worth of Eldritch Blast, Pollux has some of the highest ranged DPS we can muster without using spell slots.

: The doppelgangers really aren’t a threat due to their AI.

: Even though they only have ranged weapons, they won’t use them - they’ll waste their turn dashing to use a bonus action that gives defensive penalties to the party, even if the party was already hit with it (they don’t stack).

: “Did I - did I get it right?”

: “Selune’s Tears. It is said no false face can stand beneath their light. An old code, Harper - but yes, you got it right. Now I need your report.”

: “We had eyes on suspected cultists in the city, like you asked. We thought we were tracking them, but…”

: “They were tracking you instead, evidently. Doppelgangers.”

: “And they’re not just working with the cult, High Harper - they’re part of it. Bhaalists, I think.”

: “Sworn to Orin the Red, yes. We’ve.. already had the pleasure. Go on.”

: I played a doppelganger in 3E once. They’re canonically that one race of neutral aliens from Futurama.

: “Everything seemed fine, until.. your latest orders. Until we started to search for the Rashemaar. They struck the same night. I woke to one of them strangling Chelvin, while smiling at me out of her face.”

: The “Rashemaar” is BG3’s Frank. If you know anything about BG2, you probably know who I’m talking about.

: “She said - it said - that I’d report back to you as normal. Lure you here, and.. I had no choice.”

: “I’m sure it felt that way, Geraldus. The others were likely dragged back to Orin. Tortured. Sacrificed. I do not expect you to die for me. But to risk Entharl? And any citizen who might have wandered in?”

: “There is always a choice - and a Harper must be able to make the hard ones. Perhaps this isn’t the life for you after all, Geraldus.”

: “No. Jaheira - High Harper - please. I’m still a Harper. I want to help.”

: “You’ve scarcely signed up, boy, and there is a war coming. Why die a Harper, when you could still live as anything else?”

1. No one can make that choice for him. Not even you, High Harper.
2. She’s right, Geraldus. You did your part. Go live your life.
3. Wait, Jaheira. You’re acting like this is his fault - it’s yours.
4. Enough of the Harper dramatics. What do we do now?

: “As I recall, a certain Harper failed to notice that dumbass with the wings who would have killed Isobel had it not been for me tactically filling her room with garbage.”

: “Why did you do that, anyway?”

: “It just works.”

: “I want to fight.. for Chelvin. For all of them. So it means something.”

: “Death is death. To look for meaning in it is foolishness, boy. Childish, storybook nonsense. Exactly the kind a Harper would spout, I suppose. Fine. I have no right to make the choice for you. Not when this mess is of my making.”

: “I sent the Harpers hunting after the cult without thinking what it would mean to be hunted in turn. Now they are compromised, and if not for you, I wouldn’t even know it. I"m sorry, Geraldus. Harper.”

: Not much to do now except go into the Lower City. We’ll do that next update.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3. It’s time to find out what I’ve been saving all those explosives for. Before we can go into the lower city, we need to go into Gortash’s Gooncave.

: The gate is guarded by yet another corrupt guard who wants either 10,000 gold or one of the two passes (either Arfur’s or Valeria’s) to let you through. You can also teleport around her.

: Doing this gets you an inspiration for Astarion.

: “Halt. We do not know how you gained entry, but your trespass shall not be punished. Lord Gortash has been expecting you.”

Narrator: “The Watcher’s presence fades, but another takes its place. Confident, dominant, asserting.”

: “My most esteemed guest, we meet at last. I am Lord Enver Gortash. I am pregnant with Naruto’s other child. You are the Prism-bearer, slayer of the dread General Ketheric Thorm.”

: He invites us to his inauguration as king, but we’re going to skip that for a bit. The reason why is that as soon as we entered the fortress, a timer starts.

: The timer is for five long rests, but we’re going to handle it right away.

: To do that, all we need to do is take the first door on the left - which we’d want to do anyway since it has the warp point for this area in it.

: From there, we take the stairs down to the prison.

: This guy’s just asking for death.

: You don’t necessarily have to kill the guards, but that would require blowing spells.

: They’re worth 10 owlbears of EXP each and die in two hits.

: We can see that Florrick is locked up awaiting execution.

: At this point, something unintentionally hilarious happens. I took a screenshot to show this acid barrel is here, and then..

: Another guard, who is on the other side of a closed door, somehow psychically knew we took a key from the guard we killed.

: Why is that one worth 250 exp?

: He’s probably smuggling some owlbears in that coat.

: This alerts three other guards, who all die before they can accomplish anything. If you don’t get psychic guard aggro, you can probably board this up with chests and just walk on by.

: “You might as well lock the cell. You’re too late. It’s over.”

: “Florrick? What have they done to you?”

: “I don’t speak of myself, High Harper. I speak of the city itself- we came too late. It’s over.”

: “So you’re giving up, just like that?”

: “There’s no escape from this place.”

: “The Fist can go hang themselves - we’re getting you out.”

: At this point, we need to persuade her to leave. It’s not hard. There is a way around this if you do Gortash’s entire questline before coming here.

: The easiest way out is through this locked door at the other end of the prison.

: All we need to do is blast down a wall, and the quest is complete.

: Florrick is another ally for the final battle, and now we no longer need to worry about the timer. Now it’s time to kill Gortash the correct way.

: The audience chamber is on the opposite side of the hallway from the prison.

: He’s got a total of eight fanfiction gundams with him. I tried to kill them all in my first playthrough and as far as I can tell it’s impossible without using tons of explosives.

: Even the “I’m so hardcore look at me do this game with no rests and no glitches” guy on SA didn’t kill them.

: By the way, DO NOT BRING KARLACH HERE.

: The game will happily let you try and kill Gortash, which won’t work because like Ketheric and Orin, he is fanfiction. He has nearly 500 HP on balanced.

: Gortash tries to make a deal with us: we kill Orin and then rule Baldur’s Gate together.

: He’ll also tell us about the fake Minthara. We already know.

: He then forces you to watch him get crowned by the duke. Again, I’m skipping this because it’s boring.

: You know what? Fuck this guy. He’s the same as that TV fucker.

: While he’s standing there, let’s kidnap him.

: “HELP! AMBER ALERT! THEY’RE STEALING ME AND MY UNBORN CHILDREN! PLURAL!”

: You can also kidnap him to the checkpoint and try to push him off a cliff, but that’s a lot harder to do without him initiating combat, which takes forever because everything in the fortress gets a turn.

: We’re going to need a lot of explosives, and I mean a lot of explosives. This is every oil barrel in the game up to this point, plus the two boxes of fireworks.

: “FETUS DELETUS!”

: All of this is barely enough to take him out on balanced. We also kill several dozen bystanders and alert every guard in a five-mile radius.

: You might ask “What do you miss by killing Gortash this way?” and the answer is not much. You miss out on one ally and one of my favorite scenes in Act 3. That’s about it.

: Oh, and Gortash’s outfit. It looks pretty good on Pollux even though it doesn’t do anything special - it gives you advantage on Intimidate and Intuition. There is a transmog mod that exists, but I don’t know how well it works and I’ve seen reports of it crashing the game.

: This is also the easiest way to get this achievement, which is funny because I’ve never fought him the “real” way. If I had known about this bug on my first run I probably would’ve finished it.

: We’re going to skip the coronation for now because it’s not important. Technically it is for Wyll’s plot line but who gives a shit about Wyll? I don’t think Wyll even gives a shit about Wyll.

: We are going to skip A LOT of the lower city. The only thing we want right now is to advance Jaheira’s quest. To do that, we need to talk to her twice.

: “I have not been overly generous with the truth. I came here to learn of the Chosen, true enough. But I set my Harpers searching for someone else, too.”

: “Tell me, what do you know of a man named Minsc of Rashemen?”

: Minsc is the original Frank. He was a party member in the first two games, where he fought with his pet, a “miniature giant space hamster” named Boo.

: We really SHOULD wait on this quest because it involves some bullshit combat that we can’t tactics our way out of. In fact, I’m not actually going to bring Jaheira for that fight.

: “Ah! Oh my gods, Minsc!”

Narrator: The name is as familiar as Jaheira’s own - a hero of the Time of Troubles who saved the city more than once.

: Minsc existing in this game is a plot contrivance. He’s human, and thus shouldn’t be alive 100 years later.

: And I shouldn’t have been 55 for the last seventy years. Damn physics immunity.

: You’re immune to physics?

: And only physics. Not thermodynamics, not biology, not whatever radiation counts as. Definitely not lasers, because those are thermodynamics.

: “There isn’t a Baldurian alive who doesn’t know of that name.”

: “But few know of his fate, I think. I had hoped to keep it that way. Minsc is an old friend - perhaps my oldest. We fought at one another’s backs times beyond counting. And the last time I saw him, I left him to die.”

: In BG1, you pick up Minsc and Jaheira as a group.

: “What happened?”

: “Before we ever heard of the Absolute, we received word of a gathering in the Undercity. What we found was the first dark seed of this plot - a circle of cultists, with mind flayers in their midst.”

: “We might have ended it there, cut off at the root. But before I could send for help, Minsc charged in alone. It was chaos. He was overrun, dragged down beneath a mass of tentacles. I had a choice: stay, and let word of this cult die with us. Or leave him, and live to fight another day.”

: I’m going to cut out some of the extraneous dialog and move right along to the second cutscene.

: Jaheira suggests we visit the local mafia head, who lives in the sewers. The sewer entrance is something we have to be careful about because of that quest with the little girl.

: Let me explain how that works. The moment we entered the lower city, that quest went into a hidden second phase. If we were to long rest, it would immediately trigger.

: “Astarion. Have you seen the fake Minthara following us around? Any obvious shapeshifters?”

: “She’s definitely following us. Keeps changing shape, but I can tell it’s her.”

: “I need you to go back to camp. Bring Jaheira and Karlach with you. Send Halsin here, and have him bring Lae’zel and Gale. I want everyone else to head to the Elfsong down the road and rent rooms. Stay three to a room.”

: “And what will you do?”

: “I’m going back to camp.”

: “You. This way. Quickly. Eyes down. Good. Nobody saw you arrive - that will be to our advantage.”

: “You’re covered in gore. What happened?”

: “My life is in danger. As I knew it would be from the moment I joined you. Wyll asked to speak with me alone, and the moment my back was turned, he tried to kill me.”

: “He didn’t stand a chance. I dealt with him.”

: “Nice try, bitch.”

: “HOW WAS THE MEAT PUPPET KNOWING IT WAS ME?!”

: “Simple. We knocked out Minthara.. only after we killed Ragzlin, I started having second thoughts. That was when Astarion spotted you.”

: “I went back and slit her throat, and you had no idea.”

: “HARPERS! ATTACK!”

: It’s time I came clean about something anyone who has played this before knows: there is no fake Minthara. I made all of that up. I wanted to dunk on Orin because she sucks, and I wanted to do the Persona 5 “fast-forwarded cutscene” thing but better.

: I thought you were talking about this scene the whole time.

: It IS true that talking to Yenna starts a hidden quest. The quest has flags that activate under a number of circumstances. One is attending Gortash’s coronation. Another is making it into the lower city for the first time. There’s a second, separate flag that happens if you wander into the wrong part of the sewers.

: Once that flag triggers, Orin kidnaps someone, and appears as them telling you that you need to find and kill her to save them. This happens the next time you long rest.

: If you know what you’re doing, you can choose who Orin takes. It’s not possible to have her not take anyone - the game has failsafes for that even if you skip all the cutscene triggers.

: When you long rest after triggering the flag, the game goes down a list:

1. Lae’zel
2. Halsin
3. Gale
4. Minthara

: If Lae’zel is dead, dating you, or in your party, it skips her and goes to the next one until it finds someone who doesn’t meet any of those conditions. It’s kinda funny because there’s nothing easier than kidnapping a dead body.

: That’s grave robbing. I don’t think that counts as kidnapping.

: The same thing happens if you hit the cutscene triggers in the sewers, but that cutscene is a little different than the one at camp.

: But what happens if it can’t pick any of those people?

: It picks Yenna instead, even if you teleported past her and never met her.

: This is why I recruited Minthara: because I wanted to let the game kidnap her in lieu of Halsin (who Pollux isn’t yet actually dating). Keep in mind that any gear the victim has left stays with them, so you can potentially miss out on certain items until Orin is dead.

: The nearest sewer entrance is maybe ten feet away. Assuming you don’t wander off, you’re in no real danger of hitting the Orin cutscene.

: We get 25 owlbears of experience just for entering the sewers.

: One hallway later and we’re in the local mafia hangout.

: Mol is here, and that kid next to her sells an item we want for Astarion.

: “Hey kid, you ever seen the old rat trick?”

: To advance the quest, we need to talk to the mafia boss.

: “It’s an orphanage, Uktar. What would you have me do - seize their toys as payment?”

: “They failed to pay tribute. We should withdraw our protection, at the very least.”

: As much as I hate orphans, I feel like I should be killing these people.

: “And cede more ground to the Stone Lord? You’re not suggesting I yield a single inch of the city - my city - to this cult?”

: “I… we already look weak. If you’re seen to be forgiving debts…”

: “I didn’t say ‘forgive’. Seize the building. Arm any children old enough. If they protect what’s mine, we’ll consider that a start on what’s owed.”

: “…Yes, guildmaster. I - excuse me? This is a private council.”

: “Keep your underpants clean, Uktar. We’re playing host to a hero. You owe me a gold piece, grandmother. When I heard you died out in the wilderness, I made an offering at Kelemvor’s well.”

: Kelemvor is Faerun’s god of death. He showed up in Baldur’s Gate 2.

: “Of gold? I did not know I meant so much to you, guildmaster.”

: “I’m terribly sentimental. case in point - I’ve just let a Harper walk through my Guildhall, noticeably unholed. Because I’m curious. About why you’re here - and who it is you’ve brought with you.”

: “This is the one who saved my life. So really, he owes you your gold piece. But we can settle debts later, Nine-Fingers. For now, we need help - we’re searching for Minsc of Rashemen.”

: “A big name, that. Such information does not come cheap, High Harper. Not in normal times. Of course.. seeing as these are not normal times, and we’re all such good friends, I’ll do better than that. I’m bringing him here as we speak.”

: “Or, parts of him at least. I gave no orders about the condition of his corpse.”

: “What treachery is this, Nine-Fingers? Have you thrown in with the Absolute, too?”

: “Against my own city? Careful - you’re in very real danger of hurting my feelings. It’s Minsc who’s found his faith with Faerun’s newest god. And a new name with it - The Stone Lord.”

: “Lies.”

: “You say that name as if it means something.”

: “It should. My people speak it in the same breath as Sarevok and Demogorgon, but he’s just another upstart.”

: Stranger Things reference!

: “In his short reign, the Stone Lord and his crew have earned a reputation. Pure brutality. No survivors. And where he mows my people down, this ripe little cult takes root.”

: I’m going to cut the rest of this. It goes on for another 20 lines of dialog that tell you NOTHING.

: Uktar will tell you where Minsc is.

: “I am interested in gaining access to vaults beneath the Counting House. I pay well for keys to those vaults, provided said vaults are not emptied prematurely. I suspect that what you seek might also be found beneath the Counting House.”

: On the way to the counting house, we run into some doppelgangers trying to kill a dwarven couple at a wine tasting.

: Attacking them makes them all turn into the same dwarf, who is presumably the dwarf we’re looking to kill from Valeria’s quest.

: They’re a non-threat.

: If you don’t attack on sight, the dwarven couple drinks poison and dies - and the timer for that ticks down the moment you see them.

: Normally, you need to sneak into the bank, but if you have Jaheira she gets a vault pass from the banker.

: Down the stairs is an area we can loot for several thousand gold.

: At this point, I need to take Jaheira out and put Lyselle in. We are about to run into a combat situation I can best describe as “impossible unless you have see invisible”.

: The final door is guarded by a puzzle. There are two solutions - you can either know what the combination is by sneaking a druid into a room and reading a book, or you can toss water on the floor and electrify it.

: The combination is top left, top right, middle, middle-right.

Cashguard Artillerist Loretta: “It’s still moving.”

Rakath Glitterbeard: “Hush you fussing. Nine-Fingers had this one made especially - that little mouthful will barely slow it down.”

Cashguard Artillerist Loretta: “But the stories-”

Rakath Glitterbeard: “Stories. Tall tales and big names, lad. Don’t let them fool you. Elminster the archmage. Drizzt the drow exile. Heroes have power, aye - but not half so much as we do. A little coin into the right purse. A soft word in the right ear. It’s not gory that spins these planes, lad. It’s gold.”

: “There is no gold in here. If there is one thing Minsc hates more than beasts with bad breath…”

: Did he just throw that mimic directly through that man?

: They definitely didn’t suspect someone would freeze-frame it just right.

: “It is those who are tricksome with the truth. And turnips. But you are no turnip. Let that be of comfort, in your final moments.”

: I think we’ve just found our new martial.

: “Meet Minsc. He still seems very much himself to me.”

: “You.”

: “Stone Lord? Better to call yourself Stone Head.”

: “Your false face does not fool my eyes. I will cut until you look like the monster you truly are.”

: That bitch took our Frank.

: This fight is bad for several reasons, chief among them that the game does this weird fanfiction version of the See Invisible spell that doesn’t work anywhere near how it’s supposed to.

: I don’t trust those invisible types. All these people falling for “Invisible Gal” or whatever her name is.

: The way See Invisible is meant to work is kinda complicated and is one of the biggest pains to achieve on an actual tabletop. Let me show you exactly how it’s meant to work.

: Here we have Astra on a blank grid. Each square represents 5 feet. She casts See Invisible, which only works on herself. I’ve marked out roughly where a 30-foot radius would be because diagonals are fucky.

: There are plenty of places that sell AOE markers, but for now we’ll say this is close enough. Any square inside that blue shape is considered a spot the spell works.

: Now let’s say that Mara has gone invisible. Right now, Astra can’t see him because he’s not in the range of her spell. He can detect magic on her and try to figure out if she’s got see invisible up.

: This is the point at which BG3 diverges into a stupid fanfiction. In the real game, once Mara steps into the spell radius, Astra can see him. He’s still invisible to everyone else nearby, and the spell doesn’t remove his invisibility - if he steps out of that radius, she can’t see him anymore.

: No one can hide from me!

: In BG3, Mara instead gets a save once he steps into her spell, with the DC equal to Astra’s casting DC. If he fails, he loses invisibility altogether and everyone can see him.

: Second fanfiction: The invisible enemies all have Sanctuary cast on them, which makes them unable to be hit unless they hit first (or you use an AOE).

: Sanctuary exists in 5E, but it doesn’t work this way. For one thing, it only lasts for a minute. For another, you’re supposed to get a save to bypass it - but you don’t.

: The description is nearly word-for-word identical between 3.5E and 5E (both versions).

: If the spell worked like this in 3.5E, every wizard would demand a cleric be with them at all times to keep sanctuary up while they start summoning things.

: Third fanfiction: The enemies who aren’t invisible have a fanfiction condition called “unstoppable” that reduces the first two instances of damage they take to 1. This is fucking RAGE INDUCING to me.

: 3.5E never had a mechanic like this anywhere in the game. Why? Because it would make it virtually impossible to distinguish a legit mechanic from a bad GM.

: Techically, Unstoppable isn’t a fanfic - but only technically. It appears in Descent to Avernus, but it has several notable restrictions. It can only be used as a reaction (ie; once per turn) and has to be declared by the GM after someone attacks but before the attack roll. This means it’s possible to blow Unstoppable on attacks that wouldn’t have hit.

: BG3 makes it an auto-trigger that can trigger an infinite number of times per turn and doesn’t cost a reaction. This is the point at which you get up and leave the table.

: The bullshit part is that the hooded guys can turn invisible as a free action at the end of their turn, which gives them a new save against See Invisible that they shouldn’t be allowed in the first place.

: One of them managed to kill Lyselle because the game fucked up and forgot to render her, so I lost track of where she was.

: The second attempt also goes poorly because the enemies can throw daggers for 40 damage on balanced due to another fanfiction ability that automatically doubles their damage.

: This is no longer “stand up and leave the table” territory. This is now “punch the GM” territory. This is why people quit the game in Act 3, because the combat is a bad fanfiction.

: On a third attempt, I finally finish the fight. I never did this quest line on my first playthrough because I didn’t know it existed until I was already checked out and didn’t really give a shit about Jaheira.

: The thing is, this encounter is only difficult because the game is outright cheating.

: If the head banker dies, he drops a key to one of the vaults in this room. You can take the armor or sell it to the guy in the mafia for money.

: We now need to go all the way across the map because, and I am not kidding, Pollux spotted some mud and knew which part of the sewers it came from.

: That’s some real compelling writing right there.

: It is kind of strange that Pollux has an encyclopedic knowledge of sewer mud.

: On the way there, we run into the front door to Sorcerous Sundries, the store Gale wanted us to go to. Aradin is out front, and we’ll ignore him for now.

: There is a VERY rare scene that happens here with Aradin that requires something very specific to happen.

: Remember back in the druid grove when Aradin got into that fight with Zevlor, and Pollux defused it? If you don’t defuse it, Aradin shows up near the goblin camp with most of his friends dead.

: If your character is a cleric and you talk to Aradin there, you can bless the bodies. However, there are three specific gods (Helm, Tyr, and Tempus) who get a special reaction from him. Once you reach this spot, he’ll berate you over it if you talk to him here.

: I didn’t know about this until we were well past that part, otherwise I’d have done it. I think I found out about it sometime around the point when we killed Ethel.

: Rolan is manning the front desk because we saved him, and he’ll ask us to turn in Aylin to his boss for cash. We’re.. not doing that.

: This place has some VERY good items. Pollux finally replaces the headband of intellect he’s been wearing since the start of the game.

: He also has the best armor for caster druids.

: And this ring, which can combo into a couple of different things. This goes to Lyselle. On top of all this, he’s carrying a shitload of good scrolls.

: While you can kidnap him, if Rolan isn’t alive you instead get a projection of the store owner that I don’t think can be kidnapped. I wound up using the rat trick, but we had enough gold to get everything that would’ve mattered.

: Have this shot of Pollux’s very cursed hat. This is why I hide it by default. The magic store has a couple of other items we really want, but we can come back for those.

: I wound up going the wrong way and hitting the park. Do not go in the park. There are more fanfiction cultists there, and we’re not fighting them without an elaborate barricade.

: This manhole is where the game wants us to go, but we’re not doing that. Instead, we’re going to use a hidden back entrance near the worst dungeon in the game - the spot where I quit.

: The reason is that going down here starts a fight with an really annoying moron and while we could kill him, it’s not worth it right now. We’re here for Minsc.

: On the way, we run into the weird blood lady from Moonrise exploding her own shop.

: This is the Steel Watch Foundry, or as I refer it it, the Fanfiction Factory.

: A bunch of cultists have Volo chained to a chair sitting in front of eight explosive barrels. We could fight them, but that’s annoying.

: The trick to this one is making sure you don’t win too hard.

: There’s no way to stop them setting the trail of booze on fire. It goes off even if you cheat and instantly kill all the cultists.

: Using this warp point, you can get Astarion behind the barrels.

: Go into turn-based mode and steal them all from stealth. Once you grab the first one, the booze will ignite - but we don’t care. Save those precious barrels.

: Volo will eventually fall down once the cart is destroyed. He’s saved. Hooray.

: At this point, we don’t even have to deal with the cultists. The only reason we had to engage them at all is because they’ll kill Volo if we take too long.

: Just stand on the ramp and put a couple of AOEs at the bottom, fight over.

: Our actual destination is at the top of the ramp, in this garden. We want to take this route because it gives us the best position for the next fight.

: The basement has two pressure plates on either end.

: We get even more explosives, though unfortunately they’re not smokepowder.

Boss Friol: “All the coin’s there - my thanks. It sounds like you made quite a mess getting it, too - all in a day’s work for the Lord of Murder, eh? And you, big man. When did you start worshipping gods? Did they give your wee rodent a worm friend, too?”

: Remember that zhentarim trader from Moonrise who uh.. had that unfortunate accident in the Fuck Zone? She’d be here if we hadn’t killed her.

: That was a lot of.. accidents.

: “Rodent…?”

: Skipping a couple lines of dialog that don’t involve Frank.

: “Wait.”

Narrator: Suddenly, another presence looms in your mind. Another tadpole.

: “Some sneak-thief lurks nearby. The same one I sensed in the Counting House. I CAN TASTE YOUR THOUGHTS, COWARD! COME OUT, SO I MAY SPILL THEM ON THE GROUND!”

: We get into a fight against a shitload of cultists.. except we start on a raised platform with only one way up.

: I’m surprised they didn’t make that ladder unbreakable.

: All of the enemies have rushed to the ladder, and then Pollux dumps a Hunger of Hadar at the bottom. This breaks the enemy AI.

: The only thing to watch out for is that one of the cultists has Slow.

: When attacking Minsc, it is critical that you DO NOT KILL HIM. If you kill Minsc, you lose out on him and Jaheira leaves the camp permanently.

Narrator: Against the darkness swarming his senses, a single light glows - rage, flaring brighter every moment.

: “Killed.. her…”

: “Get rid of him.”

: “You can either protect him, or I can come back in that prism and exterminate you.”

: “AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”

: “Don’t be foolish. He is too unpredictable - he will only be a hindrance to us.”

: “Try me.”

: If you have Jaheira with you, she will automatically force the mind flayer to accept Minsc. Pollux has to make a check.

Narrator: His mind unfolds beneath yours, a still lake pulls you down into its depths. Images flash by - battles fought, and friends fallen.

Narrator: His rage grows colder, burrows deeper, as a familiar face crystallizes before you.

: “Jaheira. YOU KILLED HER!”

1. Counter with an image of your own: Jaheira, alive and well, your ally in the fight against the Absolute.
2. That was a doppleganger. Think.
3. I saved her, you big lumbering fool.
4. Attack.

: “Jaheira is alive. The real one. We saved her.”

Narrator: The instant’s hesitation is enough: with a sensation of terrible rending, something vast and nameless falls away from his mind.

: “There. It is done.”

In the sudden silence, your minds merge once more. More memories, sensations, but passing too quickly for you to track. In the same breath, you share everything that happened to you. The nautiloid. The Absolute. The Chosen of the Dead Three."

: “You. You saved Minsc while he danced like a mind flayer’s meat puppet. Why?”

: “Because you’re a Frank.”

: “A level head and a kind heart. It is well that Boo kept me from crushing either.”

: “He is.. he is…Where is he?!”

: The chests have nothing interesting, but we’ll take them for building walls later. More importantly, that fight put us at 11th level.

: Pollux gets access to Irresistible Dance, which is the only reason to play a pure bard this far. Irresistible Dance is a bog-standard save-or-suck in 3.5E that most people will tell you not to take because it’s not worth wasting a 6th-level spell slot.

: In BG3, it’s actually pretty okay. It GUARANTEES a one-turn stun during which all attacks have advantage, and then continues until the target makes a save.

:

: Karlach gets a third attack per turn, which is great because I’m benching her for Minsc.

: Lyselle gets access to 6th level spells. One of these is mission-critical to killing Raphael.

: Globe of Invulnerability is one of the few instances of fanfiction being on our side. The real spell is TRASH - it makes a dome around the caster that blocks spells of 4th level or lower.

: Instead, it makes EVERYONE IN THE GLOBE IMMUNE TO DAMAGE. I cannot understate how overpowered this is. If the tabletop game worked like this, you would not see a single wizard without this spell.

: Astarion gets a second main hand attack per turn, which is good.

: “My friend. From our brief sharing of skulls, I know you have faced many strange beings. But none like this! Whatever happens, show no fear, and stay your hand. Trust in Minsc!”

: “I trust you. I think.”

: “Minsc finds that the less thinking he does, the easier the trusting comes.”

: “WAIT! You gaze into Minsc’s soul and see his foul crimes! You smell the stench of evil upon him, pointy claws primed, ready to scratch out his eyes!”

: “I am sorry, my friend! I am at the mercy of your faultless justice! If you must burrow through my blackened heart - I am ready.”

: “No? You are certain? Such boundless compassion! You are all heart! And whiskers. And cute little nose. You are right, of course. There is still much evil for Boo and Minsc to stamp out - but we need not fight it alone!”

: “I have a new face to show you. But it is not a villainous one for the clawing, understand?”

: “You, this is Boo. And Boo - meet you.”

: “It’s an honor.”

: “No - it is a hamster. A miniature giant space hamster. Fear not, you will learn the difference in time. Those villains locked Boo away, lest his righteous gaze cause their tadpole to flee in terror.”

: Minsc wasn’t quite this unhinged in the first two games.

: “Now we are together again, all will be exactly as - Boo. Why do you use such language? …Once more, my hamster proves himself my greater half, and makes the path clear when my mind is fuzzier than his tiny bottom.”

: Next time, we’ll raid the back of the magic store and then do Shadowheart’s character quest, where we’ll meet another returning character from BG2.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3. It’s been.. a hell of a week.

: First, Larian came out and announced a new Divinity game. Then, their CEO went on record saying they were using an unspecified LLM and image generator for concept art.

: Naturally, this pissed a lot of people off. Their CEO doubled down on it, insisting that the slop wasn’t being used to replace their human concept artists. No one believed him.

: And then it came out that Larian’s CEO is an asshole who refused to fire multiple abusers.

: I honestly wanted to kill this LP right then and there. Swen Vincke is a douche and I won’t be buying the new Divinity. I have also cancelled plans to LP Divinity: Original Sin 2.

: The only reason I’m not killing the LP is because I’ve been doing this for a year and I’m almost done with it.

: On the second floor of the magic shop, there are four portals. Each one has a theory about what the Nightsong is.

: We want the white portal on the far left. Ignore that I have five people in the party - this was a re-record. What I wound up doing (and you’ll see later) is respeccing Minsc into a rogue and having him replace Astarion.

: “Hold very still, Miklaur - Krank’s aim is much improved but still leaves something up to chance.”

Miklaur: “Yes, sir.”

: “All right, Krank. Ready, aim…”

: “Hm. We have a visitor. At ease. Miklaur - you may go.”

: “I see no Nightsong. Surely you wouldn’t have entered my tower without the Nightsong in hand. Surely you wouldn’t have wasted my time.”

1. Not quite the enthusiastic welcome I was hoping for.
2. What do you want with her?
3. You must be the wizard Lorroakan.

: “What do you want with her?”

: " ‘Her’. Fascinating. You’ve been to Shar’s temple, haven’t you? To the Shadowfell?"

1. That’s none of your business.
2. I have.
3. You speak as though you’ve seen the Nightsong yourself.

: “You speak as though you’ve seen the Nightsong yourself.”

: “Alas. I’ve paid for a great deal of very privileged information. Now I await the results of the generous contract I’ve commissioned. Answer now, or see what happens when fools misuse my valuable time.”

1. Be careful what you wish for. She’ll eat you alive.
2. Why do you want her so badly?
3. I know where she is. I might even be willing to tell you.
4. [DECEPTION] I regret to inform you the Nightsong is no more - killed in the Sharran temple where she was held.
5. [DECEPTION] I’ve seen her - she was trapped by Ketheric Thorm. I left her there.
6. [INTIMIDATION] Get out of my face now.
7. [DECEPTION] I know nothing. I swear it.
8. Attack.

: “She’s dead. Ketheric’s necromancer killed her by accident.”

: “Dead?! That cannot be. She - it - is immortal! A god!”

: “She was a Selunite held by Sharrans. Her death was inevitable.”

: “Is that meant to be some consolation? She - it - was the key to my immortality! How can this be - how can this be?! SHIT!”

: After we get Lorroakan to shut up, we can raid his tower for everything in it. We’re doing this now because it can be done without combat and it requires that you have see invisible on.

: The area we’re concerned with are the lower floors. To get down there, you can either go out the window and fly/feather fall your way down.. or jump down the magic floating furniture.

: Men will really telekinetically float furniture instead of building a staircase.

: Damn right I will.

: Jumping is a pain in the ass because the second platform has a handful of pixels that the game recognizes as valid for pathfinding, and the camera likes to get stuck in the floor.

: There are four switches with invisible plaques in front of them. For some reason, invisible objects work using the standard see invisible rules.

: The two we care about are this one..

: And this one. This one leads us to the best staff in the game.

: The staff and this robe are protected by globes of invulnerability, and have invisible levers in front of them that shut the globes off.

: Markoheshkir is incredible. It adds a free spell slot of any level - and more importantly, has a per-character cooldown rather than a per-item cooldown.

: This means we can pass it around at the start of a day and have both Pollux and Lyselle get free 6th-level summons without using a spell slot.

: Similarly, this robe is the best one for any caster who isn’t an eldritch blast build. Lyselle now has about half of her best possible equipment.

: There’s also a trapped display case that has the #1 vault key in it. We’ll take it even though the items in it aren’t the best: it has a cloak that lets you cast Dominate Person and a necklace that gives you a free 2nd-level spell slot, which is pointless.

: Technically, the necklace has a bug where you can use it to infinitely upcast a 1st-level spell, but.. why?

: Now we can enter the vault. The vault is a teleporter maze with a bunch of really powerful fanfiction spells inside.

: The first one of those is right here. The Red Knight is a demigoddess of strategy and tactics who primarily appears in 2E.

: And this is how we know this setting is unrealistic. I’m a god of death and war, and do you think anyone worships me?

: This gets us a scroll of a fanfiction version of Magic Missile that can be used once per short rest. It does a LOT of damage.

: Custom spells like this are a mainstay of 2E and 3.5E, and aren’t really what I have a problem with. Both 2E and 3.5E (in the DM guide) had systems for letting players research their own spells.

: By the way, the book is worth 2,000 gold, so take it along with you.

: This hallway has an invisible lever that opens the next area.

: The chest on the east side has an illusory wall behind it.

: The lamp is something you need to be prepared to deal with. What you need is either a summon that recharges on a short rest (like Shovel or Us) or access to Banishment, a 4th-level spell.

: “A rescuer?! Oh, you’ve arrived in the nick of time, saintly adventurer - I’ve been trapped for so long, I daresay I’m half mad, ho-ho! Thank you for sacrificing yourself to save me - such courage brings a tear to the eye!”

: This genie is an idiot. All djinn, even the lowest-level ones, have the ability to plane shift at will. They also have the ability to wear shirts, but none of them ever do because they’re perverts. Every single one.

1. What are you talking about?
2. I have done nothing of the sort.
3. Release me, or you’ll regret it.
4. Attack.

: “Hold on. You’ve got this lavish apartment in a container so small that you could fit several dozen of them in a single room, and you think this is a curse!? I’ll never have to pay rent again!”

: That’s how mimic housing works. You buy a little closet to store your chest in and that’s all you really need because your house is inside.

: “You.. don’t get it, do you? You’re trapped! Trapped for all eternity!”

: “And this food regenerates! Call Halsin for me and get him in here, I think we’ve just solved the city’s housing crisis.”

: “Stop enjoying this!”

: “I don’t smoke, but I think Halsin does, and this looks like it’s never been used. Just leave some of those bangles, we can do an Aladdin night and discover a whole new world in bed.”

: “Just take all my stuff and get out, you’re making this weird.”

: In a pinch, you can use this scroll of Summon Quasit to get out.. or we could use Shovel and have Lyselle get her own Shovel.

: Just don’t let it loose in here unless you want those pillows shredded.

: And don’t forget to kill the genie on the way out. Fucker doesn’t even give you a wish.

: To get out, all you have to do is cast a summon spell inside the lamp, which traps your summon inside. You can then short rest and re-summon them outside to destroy the lamp.

: The next room has the portal out of here, but we still haven’t found what we came here for.

: If we go out the far end of the portal room, we find another hallway identical to the one that had the hidden lamp room in it. I wonder if…

: This book gives us a very good spell.

: Summon Deva is part of Planar Ally, a 6th-level Cleric spell. Planar Ally gives you a choice between a deva, a cambion (which Pollux gets from Wyll’s sword) and a djinni (identical to the one we rolled over a moment ago).

: Ideally, you want this to go to whoever doesn’t have Wyll’s sword. The reason is that all summons that are part of a single spell overwrite each other: you couldn’t have the cambion from Wyll’s sword and the deva out at the same time on one person.

: This is also where we find a letter from Lenore confirming she was isekai’d into Divinity Original Sin 2.

: The final area is a teleporter maze.

: Each room is full of traps that will shit cloudkill everywhere. To stop this, all you need to do is flip the invisible lever.

: The only room we can access is “Silverhand” - all of these rooms are named after lore characters.

: Silverhand has four rooms: Abjuration, Illusion, Transmutation, and Evocation. All of these are magic schools a wizard can specialize in.

: The illusion door will send you to the entrance if you try and open it, but can be broken to get you an axe that’s meant for Karlach but which kinda sucks.

: Going through the “Abjuration” and “Silver” doors unlocks one of the two remaining vaults.

: This vault has a bunch of low-level weapons, some random scrolls, and a book. This scroll of remove curse will come in handy in a minute.

: We’ll leave the book for Gale. The scroll next to it is a fanfiction spell, albeit one that is correctly crafted.

: Dethrone is a once-per-day spell that is effectively a weaker Disintegrate that uses a 5th-level slot.

: This maul does terrible damage compared to Karlach’s halberd, but it bypasses resistance.

: Going through the Silverhand door, then picking Evocation and Wish gets you the lever to the other vault.

: This book is special, and we want to make sure no one reads it until we’re ready. Let me explain what it does.

: Way back in Update 6, we found a book that is absolutely not the Necronomicon from Army of Darkness in the basement where we found Shovel.

: The book needed a gem to open, which we found in the giant spider lair one update later. If you open the book, you get a quest to come here and find this book in the vault.

: The book here gives you the ability to fully unlock the Necronomicon.. which requires a DC 20 wisdom check that no one is likely to be able to make.

: It also curses you with a -5 to Constitution, which we can remove using one of the scrolls of Remove Curse we have lying around.

: Clearing the curse gets you 20 free temporary HP every time you long rest, which is useful for low-HP types like Pollux or Lyselle.

: The necronomicon’s real value is only apparent in Shadowheart’s quest, which we’re doing next.. after we kill Lorroakan in a fight I can only really compare to Shin Megami Tensei 3.

: First though, we long rest because there’s a cutscene involving Minsc and we all know what the rules on that are.

: “Jaheira… Boo is trying his best to explain, but I still do not understand your anger.”

: “Do not hide behind your hamster, ranger. You do not understand, because you do not listen. We were the first to discover the cult. And if you had only waited, we might have marshalled our numbers and-”

: “Good does not wait for evil to button up its britches - when it offers buttocks for the smacking, Minsc and Boo greet cheek with hand!”

1. Say nothing.
2. That sounds like a fun evening.
3. What’s this about?

: “This falls on our heads, Minsc. The city under siege - its people poisoned by the cult - it all might have been avoided if you had just put your feelings aside and listened.”

1. [PERSUASION] You are the only one Minsc listens to - remember?
2. [INSIGHT] Or the trail would have ended there, instead of leading you to Ketheric. The Prism. Me.
3. [INTIMIDATION] Speaking of feelings - does Minsc know you were ready to kill the Emperor for him?
4. Alright, Minsc. I need to know you’ll follow orders from here on out.

: “You are the only one Minsc listens to - remember?”

: “You mean the doppelgangers? It is no comfort to me that my face made this fool all the easier to lead. The point remains.”

: “You meant well, Minsc. But you exposed the city to harm. You helped the cult spread. And worse, perhaps, than any of this: you forced me to leave you behind.”

: “But.. this is where Minsc falls short of the understanding, Jaheira. What else is a berserker for, if not to charge into danger ahead of his Wychlaran?”

Narrator: The Wychlaran: wise women of Rashemen, each bonded to a berserker bodyguard for life. There is no higher title, nor deeper bond, in all of Rashemaar custom.

: There was a game about this called Knight’s Contract on the PS3. It was a very generic, very buggy early 2000s third person action game.

: “Wychlaran…? Minsc, I am not your witch. You are not my bodyguard. Thsi is not some high lodge of your homeland.”

: “Boo agrees, you are a queer kind of witch. But this city is a queer place. And Minsc, you may have noticed, is sometimes strange himself.”

: That’s a funny way of saying he’s bisexual.

: “The titles matter not. Only this - when Minsc does as Minsc does, and charges in to make a mess: Jaheira does as Jaheira does, and finds a way to save us all anyway.”

1. Aw. That’s actually kind of sweet.
2. I suppose there is some twisted logic at play here.
3. So what you’re saying is you’ve learned absolutely nothing.
4. I don’t care what you call yourselves. I just need you both focused on the fight ahead.

: “Aw. That’s actually kind of sweet.”

: “…I fight alongside fools.”

: “You hear that, Boo? We fight along side a Wychlaran again.”

: “I am your friend, ranger. I am not your witch. There will be no ointments, or healing balms.”

: “Not even for Boo?!”

: To kill Lorroakan, we need to talk to Aylin.

: “Mother’s milk - your visage speaks of ill tidings. Speak, ally mine: what troubles you?”

: “A wizard called Lorroakan is looking for you. He’s trying to do the Ketheric thing and get immortality, and he’s put a bounty on your head. There’s a mercenary looking for you, though he’s kind of a dipshit.”

: “Let them come, and let them find me. Dame Aylin will strike down any who seek to bring her to harm’s home.”

: “Yet.. it is better to cut off the head of the snake than to let its slithering snakelings swarm us unabated. This wizard.. this wizard must be held to account. I will wring his neck until he’s dead.”

: Aylin flies off and we take our long rest. Not shown: a scene where the Emperor tries to get you to fuck him. Pollux isn’t down for that.

: I’m also not showing it because it flies in the face of canon. I talked about this earlier if I remember right - mind flayers don’t have souls. If you’ve read Frieren, the demons in Frieren are how mind flayers work.

: We don’t want to summon anything for this fight. You’ll see why.

: “What do we have here? A magician in a tower, hiding away from the frightening world. What are you so scared of, magus? Not the Nightsong, surely - why, she’s nothing but a relic to be purchased and pursued.”

: “My gods! The Nightsong is a person?”

: “By my honor! It’s you! My dear, I thought you were-”

: “You will address me with due deference. I am Dame Aylin. And you are a whelp without honor, without pride, with nothing but a tower full of trinkets.”

: “My apologies, Dame Aylin. I meant no disrespect. I asked our mutual friend here to make an introduction, that I might get to meet the famed daughter of Selune.”

: “Forgive me for that impudence. Perhaps our friend can bridge the gap, and do what I believe they came here to do.”

: “I’m going to kill you.”

: “Well, fuck. Rolan! At the ready. Once I’ve taken control of the aasimar, she must go directly into the caging runes.”

: This part of the scene is different if you didn’t save the tieflings from the prison in Act 2 - in that case, Rolan will join on Lorroakan’s side.

: “No, Master Lorroakan. I would never have assisted you if I knew you planned such horrors. You lied to get the Nightsong here. Made us all believe she was nothing but a relic. I have seen what true leadership can accomplish - but never under your tutelage.”

: “Watch your tongue, you child! I could make it such that no wizard in the realm will touch you.”

: That’s a winning proposition for everyone. Wizards make terrible boyfriends.

: “If they’re all like you, I think that sounds like an excellent bargain.”

: This is why we don’t want to summon anything. You can see in the top of the screen that everyone is bunched up near the portal.

: This causes the AI to use AOEs, which is bad because most of the enemies go before the party does.

: Lorroakan has fanfiction powers that make him immune to the four basic elements and give him an auto-counter that hits for 3d8 four times. He can use this infinite times per turn and it has infinite range.

: Funny how when we summon myrmidons, Pollux and Lyselle don’t get that benefit. But, you know.. I think there’s an easier way to do this.

: Here’s an idea. What if we didn’t talk to the fanfiction wizard first and just killed him?

: If you’ve convinced him the angel is dead, all you have to do is walk up and disintegrate him. This gives you a surprise round, and that means no reactions from him.

: Even with the wizard dead, this is an annoying fight against four summons and his animated armor.

: “What in the hells happened here?”

: “I didn’t like his face, so I exterminated him.”

: “The Nightsong was a person? Yet he still planned to harvest her life? I shouldn’t be surprised. Lorroakan was a cruel and vicious man. By day, I’d tend the shop, but at night - he’d fire the most nonsensical questions at me.”

: “And for every one I answered ‘wrong’, he’d beat me. I could’ve killed him with my own two hands, but I kept thinking it was all a test. It had to be. I thought it was the price I had to pay to become a true wizard. I realize now he was just a sick, sick man.”

: “I see things clearly now. If I wish to master the Weave, I must do it myself. Thankfully, I have everything I need - right here.”

: Rolan joins us as an ally, in addition to Aylin and Isobel.

: If you instead sell Aylin to Lorroakan, you get Lorroakan as an ally. His contribution is exactly the same as Rolan’s, only you don’t also get Aylin and Isobel.

: We now have the vast majority of the recruitable allies who aren’t mutually exclusive. Let’s go do Shadowheart’s quest to eliminate one more.

: What you’re supposed to do is go through this whole thing in Rivington and find a Shar cultist who tells you where to go. There’s also supposed to be this whole Scientology thing where they give you an e-meter and read your thetan count at you to do mental damage, but let’s skip that.

: There’s a warp point way up at the top of the map. I found this off-screen while trying to find the entrance to the sewers for the Minsc quest last update.

: Just to the west of that is the secret Shar stronghold.

: People do funny things sometimes, like trying to de-program cultists. We have a tool for that. It’s called a gun.

: They’ll let us walk in peacefully, but what they don’t know is that they’re worth experience.

: There’s a receptionist inside and a guard who also die screaming.

: I’ll show off what happens if we do this the “correct” way later. For now, all we need to do is press this button.

: There’s a torture chamber down here where Shadowheart will remark on almost everything in the room. It also has some sick clothes in it.

: This guy gets destroyed before he can even scream.

: Ordinarily, there’s a cutscene in this room and your party gets put right in the middle of it with cultists on all sides.

: Viconia was a party member in Baldur’s Gate 2. She talks to you if you don’t kill your way into the temple.

: You’ll notice that there’s a chokepoint near the stairs. Let’s abuse the hell out of that.

: Toss down a Hunger of Hadar to stop them casting, and an Insect Plague on top of that to make it even more annoying.

: This makes the cultists bunch up, which then makes them easy to lightning bolt or fireball to death. Just make sure not to use radiant damage.

: At low HP, Viconia will use Divine Intervention. This is an ability Shadowheart has, which is also canonical to 5E. It can only be used once ever.

: Viconia reflects radiant damage, but I had Shadowheart sacrifice herself to stop her from using some of her nastier abilities.

: Our reward is what is probably the best shield in the game. This goes to Karlach since Shadowheart is going back on the bench.

: By doing the fight this way, we avoid Viconia’s worst attack. What she does is asks your main character their worst fear. If you answer, she gets a stunlock and auto-crits against them.

: I thought there was some way to work around it by answering something stupid, but there isn’t.

: What we actually came for is behind this door. The door has a DC 30 lock on it that takes Minsc several attempts to pick.

: Oh look, it’s Shadowheart’s parents. We’ll just ignore them. They’ll be fine. Probably.

: No, what we want is this. We also need a few items from Act 2. One of them is a ring from Lenore’s tower I mentioned would be useful later.

: The other is the ring from the strange ox-blob, which we need a spell to activate… or the mask from the deluxe edition.

: We then use it to disguise Pollux before removing it (the diguise remains even if you take it off) and putting on the headband of intellect from Act 1.

: We then can have Shadowheart cast Fox’s Cunning, which gives us Advantage on the roll. Preferably, you also want to have someone with Guidance to get that bonus too.

Narrator: A huge, polished disc looms before you. A mirror - but one that offers no reflection. All you see in it is a void of endless darkness.

: “This feels familiar to me, somehow. I’m sure I’ve stood before this mirror before… many times, perhaps.”

1. [ARCANA] Study the mirror. Try to grasp its true nature.
2. [RELIGION] An object of faith. Examine it closely. Try to understand its purpose.
3. [RELIGION] Offer a prayer to the mirror.
4. Leave.

: What we need to do is make either a DC 20 Knowledge (Arcana) check or a DC 25 Knowledge (Religion) check using options 1 or 2.

Narrator: A Mirror of Loss - a relic said to be as old as the Church of Shar itself. Those who stood before it could surrender their very thoughts and memories to the Lady of Loss. Great powers rest within the realm of the mirror, to be granted at the Dark Lady’s whim to those making a suitable offering - a piece of themselves.

: I’d surrender all of my knowledge of my in-laws.

: Shadowheart can’t use the mirror, which is kind of a big loss.

: For anyone who isn’t Shadowheart, you get two options. We need to use Option 2 before using Option 1, except for one specific circumstance.

: Option 1 has a 20% chance of giving you a memory that increases charisma by 1. It’s no good for Pollux because it only goes to a maximum of 24 and he has Ethel’s hair.

: With Guidance, this gives you a +8 to +12, AND you get to roll twice, AND you have four inspiration rerolls. I think the chance of making it is in the 90 percent range after 4 rerolls.

: For everyone who isn’t Pollux, we can make this roll even higher by using Bardic Inspiration. Respeccing into a cleric gives you another +4, giving you a total of +13 to +26.

Narrator: The mirror’s emptiness seems to draw you into a stupefying embrace. Your thoughts, memories, feelings - they grow slow and drowsy, drifting away from each other."

: At this point, we can sacrifice one of Pollux’s stats. The sacrifice is NOT permanent.

: There’s a chance that you get the ability to increase any stat by +2. This can only happen after making the knowledge check.

: There is ONE way to bypass this, which is the necronomicon. If you’ve finished it, you can give up the buffs it gives you to get the stat increase guaranteed.

: The “sacrifice” is a temporary -2 to a stat that can be Remove Curse’d away.

: Pollux now has 24 charisma and has maxed out his damage with eldritch blast. We now need to repeat this process for everyone else.

: Karlach gets a maxed strength score, which is why I didn’t wind up benching her. I will need to bench Minsc for Astarion because we’re doing Astarion’s quest next update.

: By pure luck, Lyselle gets the one good memory that isn’t the +2 to a stat one. She winds up with 22 intelligence, which is the highest you can go without using Ethel’s hair.

: With Pollux’s bardic inspiration, everyone else makes these rolls easily.

: Hmm.. we’ve been running back and forth from this mirror for hours. I feel like I’m missing something.

: Oh, right. Hey Shadowheart, I just put your family out of their misery.

: “YOU FUCKING MONSTER!”

: Listen, if you were in on the conversation with Gale I just skipped where we talked about dethroning the gods, you’d understand.

: Shadowheart is basically extraneous at this point. She can’t use the mirror, so it’s more effective to respec either Halsin or Jaheira into a cleric if you need one.

: We’re not killing her parents.

: Fine, we’ll do the scene with them. It is.. very cliche.

: “It can’t be. Another vile trick…”

: I didn’t know Mr. Spock was in this.

: “No.. there is no trick. It’s her. Jenevelle. Jen. Our little girl.”

: Mooooom, my name is Shadowheart! Shadowheart! You’re ruining everything!

: “Moonmaiden’s grace. It is you…”

: “I’m here to get you out of here. They’re all gone, it’s over-”

Shar: “You see? It matters not if you raze this place, if you slay every one of your brothers and sisters. That was never where my power resided.”

Shar: “Every time you try to step away from me, every time you try and reach for Selune, my hold on you bites deeper. If you had learned, if you had obeyed, there would be no pain. But you struggle on. You make things worse for yourself. And for them.”

1. You’re a monster, not a goddess.
2. Ignore her, Shadowheart. She’s just trying to spite your victory.
3. We should leave.

: “You’re a monster, not a goddess.”

Shar: “I am nothing. I am the empty room. The dreamless sleep. The shadow’s shadow. There was no pain before my sister set the sun aflame. Now you exist to suffer, until you find your way back to my embrace.”

: “Enough. I’m taking my parents away from here. I’m taking them away from you.”

: “You cannot. We are still bound to you. You cannot both free us and free yourself from her curse. The Moonmaiden needs you more than she needs us. You are the future - you must return to the fold. We are the past. And our duty is almost done.”

Shar: “Eloquently put. His mind stood up well to his time here. The same cannot be said for your mother - such brief, fragile lives humans lead. This is my final lesson. I leave you now, to dwell on your mistakes and make your choice.”

Narrator: Shar’s parting words made your flesh crawl. There is no lesson to be learned here - only a family’s torment, a spiteful goddess’s whims, and an unspeakable choice to be made…

: “She’s gone.. I don’t understand.”

: “Shar will never admit defeat - not until she has stolen one last thing from you. We cannot allow your future to be her last prize - not after all your mother and I have endured to see you again.”

: “Your companion understands, I think. Help her, please. Help her see what must be done.”

1. You have to choose, Shadowheart. Free your parents, or rid yourself of Shar’s curse.
2. She wants you to kill your parents. Her idea of a parting gift.
3. Talk to your mother and father. See what they wish.

: Before we continue, let me talk about what happens if you’re on the evil route. If you’re on the evil route, Shadowheart immediately kneels to Shar and kills her family.

: At that point, Shar brainwipes her and she stops being playable. She becomes an ally for the final battle, which I showed earlier. You can also sell her to Viconia.

: There’s also a third route which is probably the best written one. The third route is that you’ve killed Aylin, but then convince Shadowheart to also abandon Shar, essentially ruining her life. You can see all the outcomes here.

: “You have to choose, Shadowheart. Free your parents, or rid yourself of Shar’s curse.”

: “No, I can’t. I came here for them.”

: “And you did. You found us. All these years, that dream kept us going, that you would break free. No matter what they made you to do us, we knew you were still in there.”

: “I knew the dark woods wouldn’t frighten you. You were always such a brave girl.”

: “Honestly, I think you two are really irresponsible parents and probably should not have been allowed to breed.”

: “And she was. And still is. You’ve saved us. Now save yourself. You’ll be out of Shar’s reach, and we’ll be at peace.”

: “But I’ve only just found you again, after all this time. I can’t lose you again.”

: “We’ll still be with you. By the Moonmaiden’s grace, we’ll never be far. Please, Jenevelle.”

1. You should end their suffering, and yours.
2. Do not lose your parents, not again. The pain can be handled.
3. This is your choice, Shadowheart. You don’t need me to tell you what is right.
4. Remain silent.

: Here’s what I’d like to say about this. Witcher 3 was a game that had a lot of problems, especially with the writing. The one thing it did right was how it handled Ciri.

: If you haven’t played it, the ending for Geralt’s adopted daughter depends on a hidden variable that increases every time Geralt lets Ciri make her own decisions and be her own person.

: This feels like the opposite. This is Pollux going “I don’t trust you so I’m going to make the decision for you”. Either way, Jennifer gets a happy ending.

: If you pick Option 1 or 3, Jennifer’s parents die and turn into those force ghosts from the George Lucas re-cuts of the Star Wars prequels. This is DUMB AS FUCK.

: Ni no Kuni, a game made for children, outright handles character death better than this. This is why I hate Jenniferheart as a character.

: You know what, let’s make the decision for her. We can’t trust her.

: “Save your parents.”

: “I didn’t come this far just to give up at the final hurdle. We’re leaving this place together. I’m going to take care of you.”

: “Our time has passed, Jenevelle. You must not let us burden you.”

: “You’re no burden. You’re my strength. I think I know where my wilful side comes from now.”

: “But-”

: “Hush, Arnell. Jen wants her family. Jen shall have her family. How can we help, dear?”

: And we’re done. Mostly. There’s one area of the Shar bunker we haven’t checked, and it’s home to the only trans character in the game.

: On a side note, it came out today that Larian’s CEO has announced they’re using AI for “placeholder assets” in the new Divinity game that got announced.

: I will not be buying or engaging with that game, and have cancelled potential plans I had to do an LP of Original Sin 2. AI use at any level in a professional product is unacceptable.

: Meet Nocturne. Nocturne is Shadowheart’s trans friend and you only know this if you fed her the noblestalk in Act 1. Unfortunately, she immediately goes hostile because the AI is spaghetti.

: Let me talk about why I hate this. This feels like Larian was afraid to put a trans character in because they knew people would kill them - like the suffragette in Red Dead 2.

: This is why you need to do a hidden sidequest to even figure out the character is trans - I talked to them on my first playthrough and had no idea.

: The thing is, at that point it’s not representation, it’s cowardice. There was a writer for Paizo who used to do this a lot (make an NPC and then add a GM-only footnote that the character is trans) to the point where it became a running joke in GM circles.

: Anyway, now we’re done with the mall goths. I’ll upload the “plot accurate” way to handle them in a bonus update, since I can feel the site lagging again.

[Timrod]

Summary

: “This isn’t what I expected - this is much more. The Crown of Karsus. And this - this is no mere journal - it contains Karsus’ original plans for the Crown’s construction. His designs for godhood.”

: Here’s that optional update I was talking about. We’ll start with this conversation, which happens when you give Gale the “Annals of Karsus” book from Lorroakan’s vault.

: This scene is nearly identical if you have him in the party when you first find it.

1. The design for self-destruction, more like. Didn’t this crown kill Karsus?
2. Godhood? I know crowns are an ego boost, but that’s ridiculous.
3. A design you could follow?
4. How did such a powerful object end up in the hands of the Absolute?
5. Karsus? Crown? You might need to catch me up a bit…
6. Stay silent.

: “The design for self-destruction, more like. Didn’t this crown kill Karsus?”

: Karsus is a really minor character from 2E who appeared in a couple of splatbooks and not much else.

: In the 2E books, Karsus is a wizard who develops a spell that can steal a god’s power. He uses it on Mystra, briefly becomes a demigod, and then loses control and dies.

: Bioware adapted him for the first Neverwinter Nights game, where he appears in one sidequest. The crown is original to this game.

: “Not exactly. It was what he did with it that sealed his fate, and for a time, that of magic itself. The Crown was merely the means. The book states that the Crown and Netherstones were originally one construct, seemingly sundered at the moment of Karsus’ downfall.”

: “If we can collect the crown’s setting, and the three Netherstones, and with the correct invocation of certain spells and gestures detailed in these notes.. I think I could reforge it.”

1. To what end?
2. We already know the crown’s dangerous. Wouldn’t that make things worse?
3. You ‘think’? What happens if you fail?
4. That Crown’s caused chaos. We should be seeking a way to destroy it, not make it more powerful.

: Like Shadowheart, Gale has a hidden point system that determines his ending. Also like Shadowheart, you can influence him out of the bad route.

: He has three endings, which are blowing himself up, not blowing himself up, and the “God of Fear & Hunger” ending.

: “We already know the crown’s dangerous. Wouldn’t that make things worse?”

: “Worse? It could be the best thing that ever happened to me. To us. Think of it.. the power of the gods in mortal hands at last. We’d be free of doctrine and dogma, confined only by the limits of our imaginations.”

: “I promise you - the gods will never grant us such a blessing, no matter how much we worship and adore them.”

: This is the “God of Fear & Hunger” ending. For more information on how that ends up, consult the manga Shimeiji Simulation.

1. You dismiss the entire pantheon so easily. Not all gods are selfish.
2. And you think Mystra will let you do this?
3. Mortals are far better guardians of the fates than the gods. We have more to lose.

: And people wonder why the gods can’t stand them, or why humans are banned from everywhere. Give them an inch and they try to overthrow you.

: “And you think Mystra will let you do this?”

: “I don’t know. Ao does not look kindly on gods meddling in mortal affairs - she may have no choice but to stand by and let events unfold.”

: No shit they don’t. You give a mortal a boon and suddenly you’re deluged with prayers and people trying to summon you to kill YHVH.

: “Even with the fate of the world at stake, she had little more to offer me than the means of blowing myself up at a more convenient time. She’s done nothing to help us.”

: “Mystra wanted the brain obliterated because of this crown. She fears a world in which such power is beyond her control - ready to be claimed by Karsus’ successor.”

1. I thought you were past this kind of temptation, Gale. You know exactly where such over-reaching leads.
2. Or to destroy the next wizard who attempts it. The attempt would kill you as it did Karsus.
3. And you believe yourself to be that successor?
4. This is no ordinary artefact, Gale. Do this and you’d challenge the gods themselves.
5. So you want the Crown to settle a score with Mystra?

: “I thought you were past this kind of temptation, Gale. You know exactly where such over-reaching leads.”

: “Neither of us can know what truly may be if we don’t at least try. Potential is nothing in itself - just a fleeting dream, unless we drag it into the waking world. Please, at least think on it.”

: “Powerful as he was, Karsus lacked some advantages I can lay claim to. I know Mystra - intimately. And I carry a fragment of the Weave itself in my body. Karsus achieved many things, but he never managed that.”

: “A long road lies ahead before the Crown comes into our possession. All I ask for now is that you not dismiss this possibility out of hand. Please - at least think on it.”

: Elminster then shows up and tells us to go to a place called Stormshore Tabernacle to finish Gale’s character quest.

: Stormshore Tabernacle has a couple of VERY good items in it, as well as a Dis-Honor Mode level bug that lets us get a very powerful weapon. We’ll see that next update.

: Now let’s do the House of Scientology the “correct” way.

: “Welcome to the House of Grief.. or perhaps ‘welcome’ is the wrong word, Shadowheart. There’s been some debate whether you’d even show up and face the consequences of your actions. I assumed you’d try to flee, like a craven.”

: “Do I know you? I like to be on a first-name basis before I give someone a thrashing, ideally.”

: “You haven’t changed one bit, have you? I hope you remember it all, in the end. I want you to know how much of a failure you truly are. It will come. All in due time.”

: And then we kill everyone again. Wait, shit.

1. Let us pass.
2. I don’t like this - we should leave, Shadowheart.

: “I’ve already killed you twice at this point. Let us pass.”

: “As I said - in due time. First you submit to the Mapping of the Heart - only then can we know what is to be done with you.”

: “The mapping of the what?”

: “This is the House of Grief; we strive to help those whose hearts have grown heavy, be it with anger, melancholy, grief.. or treachery. Submit to the Mapping, and reveal what lurks in your heart. If you consent, follow me. If not, leave.”

: Here’s what I hate about Shadowheart’s plot line. For you to fully understand, I need to talk about Shar in the tabletop game a bit.

: Shar was a Gary Gygax invention that was basically “This is the god all the bad things worship, just in case that ever matters mechanically”.

: Her backstory consists of a couple of sentences in a splatbook: she’s evil because her daughter died and that made her crazy.

: My point is that there wasn’t a whole lot of lore for Larian’s writers to adhere to.. and yet they didn’t do a very good job at making her a compelling villain.

: Let me ask you something. Can you tell me what Shar’s motivation is? Why is she doing anything that she’s doing? I’ll wait.

: Here’s the answer: we don’t know, and the game will never tell us. Shar is integral to Shadowheart’s story, yet her entire character is a question mark.

: Shar is an 80s saturday morning cartoon villain, and this whole “I kidnapped your parents” plot doesn’t do much to beat those allegations.

: My point is that Swen Vincke apparently told a bunch of people who applied for jobs at Larian that they ‘were not Larian writers.. and that’s not something that can be taught’. If this is what you think of as 'Larian writing", it SUCKS.

: We get led in here and told to sit on the bench.

: “You seek to be Unburdened, yes? The Mapping of the Heart can reveal the way… yet there is another here whose need is great.”

: “That voice.. allow me. I think I’m supposed to do this.”

: “There is something I lost.. no, had taken from me. My family. My life. I want it all back -”

: “Loss is a gift, girl. Do you still not understand that? Now give me the true answer - what is your purpose in being here? What is your true purpose?”

: “The artifact. I was sent here to retrieve it. At any cost.”

: “And who tasked you with this mission?”

: “The Mother Superior, of Shar’s… it’s you.”

: “Give me the honor of my name. In full.”

: “I.. I can’t. My memories -”

: “I know what’s in that head of yours better than you do, girl. My name.”

: The writers have realized that the plot doesn’t make sense, so now they’re throwing in a BG1 reference to distract you.

: Viconia was a non-character in the first two games. She’s comically evil, and that is her entire personality and backstory.

: Her ending in BG1 is that she starts a Shar temple only to kill everyone, and then goes and has adventures with Drizzt. If Drizzt is involved, you know the writing sucks.

: “Mother Superior.. Viconia DeVir.”

: “You still have the wits to recognize your betters. Good.”

: “You! Boo would have recognized your foul scent, if not for all this evil Sharran incense.”

: “Always a pleasure to see old acquaintances. But you would be wise to not interfere in what is to come.”

: From there, we go down and talk to Viconia in the room we killed her in earlier. She doesn’t have a whole lot interesting to say.

: I will transcribe this part though, where you ask her why she wanted the prism so badly.

: “Whispers reached my ears from all corners - potential rivals of Lady Shar, all vying for the same prize. A new god, amassing the disaffected, the outcasts - those who should turn to us.”

: “This ‘Absolute’ is but an upstart; disturbing the natural order and threatening to impede the glorious return of Lady Shar’s pure, endless darkness. I had to act. I had to strangle that foul conspiracy while it was still in the cradle.”

: “We learned all we could - the artefact was the one thing the Absolutists feared. The one thing they desperately wanted to keep out of their enemies’ grasp. I had to have it.”

: “And Shar told you to do all this?”

: “Lady Shar’s concerns lie elsewhere - with another. But she is a goddess.. she can afford to ignore that which does not threaten her.”

: This is why I think Ketheric was originally supposed to be an Act 3 boss near the end of the game, because the writers for this assumed you didn’t know about him even though you’d have to in order to have gotten here.

: I will say this is some real compelling motivation. Viconia wants the relic because “I dunno, I just do, okay?” and Shar doesn’t even give a shit.

: Now let me show you what happens if Pollux does the e-meter. For one thing, the game does this weird thing where Viconia disappears and then re-appears because it doesn’t expect you to not let Shadowheart do it if she’s there.

: “Answer the questions I put to you. And answer honestly - the lips may deceive, but the heart will offer the truth in the end. Let us begin.”

: “What last caused you to shed a tear?”

1. Grief.
2. Loneliness.
3. A wound.
4. An onion.
5. A beautiful sunset.
6. Never happened.

: Each answer has a hidden score associated with it. There are six categories: Craven, False, Jealous, Melancholy, Prying, and Violent.

: Your highest score is what determines what you have to do in order to not have Viconia auto-crit you to death.

: Melancholy is by far the least bad, because Perform doesn’t take an action in combat. The worst two are Jealous and Craven. Wayward only happens if Shadowheart has the conversation with Viconia.

: If you make a DC 18 perception check here, you can cut the mapping short.

: “So be it. The second question. What is your unspoken desire?”

1. To run away from it all.
2. To indulge every hunger, every lust.
3. To dominate.
4. To be dominated.
5. To be held.
6. To bathe in wealth and power.

: “If I’m being honest here, it’s number five, followed by number two, with a little of 3 and 4 depending on how Halsin likes it, honestly.”

: “I mean, I’m not just talking sex, I’m talking a lot of sex. Like, a lot a lot. As in like, neither of us can walk the next day and everyone knows why but no one says anything.”

: “And you know, honestly we have enough gold we could probably make a bed of it, so let’s throw 6 in there as well.”

: You are INCREDIBLY fucked up.

: She then asks you what your greatest fear is. This one changes the fight up a bit.

1. Darkness.
2. To be without power.
3. Betrayal.
4. Disease.
5. Turning into a mind flayer.
6. Spiders.

: If Shadowheart does it, she gets an automatic seventh option: wolves. This is very similar to the spiders option. They’re all pretty similar in what their goal is: fear-locking your character.

: The remaining two questions are “How would you spite the one who wronged you?” and “How would you feel if all your burdens were lifted?”

: If you don’t get the surprise round, you start MUCH closer to Viconia and she opens with Castigate Heartform, which Pollux can get rid of immediately.

: Spiders and Wolves are the only two that have a visual effect. The rest are a single-target spell that tries to frighten your main character.

: Next time, we’ll do Gale’s quest, then Astarion’s. Gale’s is really short and takes place almost entirely off-screen.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3! Today, we’ll be desecrating a temple.

: I’ll also be avoiding reading the Haruki Murakami novel my mom got me for Christmas. Boy did that bring back some terrible memories. At least it wasn’t After Dark.

: We’re going to start by doing Gale’s quest. Before we do that, we need to visit Jaheira’s house. I’m not sure how you’d know this one is it.

: Jaheira’s house is an orphanage that is full of references to the older games. I’ll save all that for bonus content.

: The only thing we care about is in Jaheira’s study. In Act 1, we picked up a pin off a dead harper in the duergar base. This is where we’re going to use it.

: There are other ways to get one if you missed it, including two in this house alone.

: Sticking the pin in this slot opens the secret entrance to Jaheira’s shed.

: It’s full of traps, but Jaheira will point them out if she’s with you.

: We get 10.5 owlbears of EXP just for coming down here. If you have Speak with Animals on, you can talk to the rats to get some hints about sidequests.

Messenger Rat: “Down by the Blushing Mermaid, there’s a stink of something fey. Smell of arse, too, but boss doesn’t care about that.”

: Now we know where Ethel went off to.

Messenger Rat: “There’s been killings in a holy place! Stinks of incense and blood!”

: This sidequest gives you the sluttiest dress in the game.

: Pollux would look great in it.

: The bookcase detects as a trap, but isn’t actually trapped. It’s a secret door.

: Belm is an item returning from Baldur’s Gate 2. It used to give you a free extra attack. In this economy, it’s limited to giving you an extra attack for a bonus action.

: What we really want is in this display case back here. This necklace is from a garbage “official” expansion pack to Baldur’s Gate 1 released 20 years later.

: The expansion was called Siege of Dragonspear and released in 2016 as a paid add-on to the BG1 remaster done by Beamdog in 2012.

: Siege of Dragonspear is generally hated because it doesn’t have a reason to exist: it’s a “bridge story” between BG1 and BG2 with none of the original writers involved.

: “A gift from my husband. I’ve had to renew parts over the years, but the heart remains the same as the day he gave it to me.”

: Khalid was Jaheira’s husband. He gets tortured to death by BG2’s villain before BG2 starts. Siege of Dragonspear tries to “add context” and that’s why people hate it.

: Normally, you’d want Jaheira in the party for Stormshore Tabernacle. You’d also want Gale since it’s his character quest. Instead, we’re taking a Beef.

: Stormshore Tabernacle is located directly next to the entrance to the Lower City from Wyrm’s Crossing. We’re going to ignore everything in here because..

: Let’s get one of the most powerful melee weapons in the game. On Patch 7, all you’ll need is an expendable character, a high-strength character, and a controller.

: This can still be done on Patch 8 but requires near frame perfect inputs.

: Start by lockpicking this hatch in the corner. The only person in the church is a priest who tends to turn his back to it.

: There are a bunch of holy fire traps down here. It’s probably a good idea to do this without summons so they don’t accidentally trip them.

: Now that we’ve solved this little problem, it’s time to go over to the other side.

: These chests are where the offerings go if you decide to make one upstairs. We only care about this middle chest. Beef, do your thing.

: Meet the best amulet in the game for casters. If these existed in Pathfinder, you can bet Louis Cypher would have two of them.

: Taking anything from the chests here hits the thief with a debuff. Let’s just look at what this does.

: From here, you can either use Remove Curse or just kill Private Beef. In a normal game, you would use one of the hirelings from Withers.

: Angels are idiots who just love dropping their weapons. Where do you think I got this gun from?

: Pick up the dead angel. Normally, these angels are summons and disappear on death - but not these ones.

: Now we switch to the controller. This game’s controller interface is bad. Don’t play this game on consoles.

: I sure love going through sixteen wheels to find an attack, don’t you?

: What we want is this wheel, which you get by hitting R2 (or RT if you’re one of those people). Go into anyone’s character sheet.

: This lets you take the angel’s mace, which is normally impossible. 4d8 radiant is an insane amount of damage, and you can dual-wield these.

: If you’re playing this yourself and don’t mind using glitches like this, get two of these for any melee attacker who isn’t Astarion.

: You can still do this in Patch 8, but it is MUCH harder and involves mashing a button to reveal the inventory for a few frames.

: Once you’ve gotten as many maces as you’d like, you can go upstairs and pray to one of the statues. I would not recommend doing this because it lags the fuck out of the game.

: If you make an offering, it opens up a screen containing EVERY ITEM YOU HAVE, which will make the game slow to a crawl.

: Offering around 4000 gold per character gets you a buff that gives you +2 to all saves. You can then go get your gold back from the basement.

Narrator: “There she stands, just as Elminster promised. Mystra. Goddess of the Weave. Mother of all magic.”

: Let’s bring Gale here so we can finish his plot line. It is not good.

: “The old man wasn’t lying. She’s opened a summoning channel. Can’t you feel it?”

Narrator: “Gale’s right. The very air around the statue crackles with magic. It sets your teeth on edge.”

: “A stream of pure, undiluted Weave. I only have to reach out, and it will carry me to Mystra, wherever she may be. Time was, I’d have given my right arm for a chance to speak with Mystra again. The left one too. Maybe a knee..”

1. You’re ready for this, Gale.
2. You don’t owe her so much as a fingernail. She asked you to blow yourself up.
3. I don’t think she’s that kind of goddess.

: “You’re ready for this, Gale. And by ready for this, I mean ready to be permabenched for Lyselle.”

: “Am I? You’re right. I am a strong, capable wizard. And this is no more than a casual reunion with an ex-lover. My omnipotent, omniscient ex-lover…”

: Uh-oh, are those WRITING PROBLEMS? I think they might be! This entire scene makes no sense if you assume Mystra is omniscient. In fact, Gale’s ENTIRE PLOTLINE makes no sense.

: “I always wondered what being nervous would feel like. I hate it.”

1. Do you know what you’re going to say to her?
2. Of all the things to be nervous about, an audience with a goddess seems reasonable.
3. Why do you care what she thinks of you?
4. Pull it together. You’re going to make a fool of yourself otherwise.

: “Do you know what you’re going to say to her?”

: “During my time locked away in Waterdeep, I prepared a quite comprehensive speech for her on the subject of our former relationship, and the manner in which it ended.”

: Correct answer: “It doesn’t matter, because she already knows.”

: “Alas, recent events have rendered the majority of it moot, so I’m going to have to improvise. Unless you have any words of wisdom to impart before I go?”

1. You’re not taking me with you?
2. Seek her forgiveness, Gale. It might be your only hope of curing the orb.
3. Make her squirm. Tell her the Crown will be ours soon enough.
4. Don’t give anything away. Just find out what she has to say.
5. You shouldn’t go to her, Gale. Don’t give her the satisfaction.

: Again, correct answer: “It doesn’t matter what I tell you, because she already knows.”

: Or she’s lying and has enough power to convince people she knows by manipulating things to go her way. That’s usually how it works with those types.

: Wouldn’t this mean that she already knew that if he blew himself up in Act 2 it would end the world?

: This choice is ultimately what determines which ending route Gale is on. Choice 2 is his good ending.

: “You’re right. A heartfelt apology is the surest way to a goddess’s heart, and her favor. I’d pray that she’ll be in a forgiving mood, if she weren’t the one I’d be praying to.”

: “She already knows what you’re going to say.”

: “Gale of Waterdeep. You look well.”

: “Mystra. I never thought we’d speak again like this. Why am I here?”

: “There is much unsaid between us, but time runs ever short. You discovered what lies at the heart of the Absolute - the Crown of Karsus - and you disobeyed my instruction. Why?”

: YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT!

: “I didn’t want to die. And when I saw the Crown, I thought I might not have to, if I only understood its power.”

: “And you believe you have the right to such an understanding?”

: I have seen the face of God and it is a generic middle-aged white lady who has filed a complaint about her neighbor to the HOA.

: I think this is the lady who sent out a distress signal once because her latte wasn’t hot enough. Or maybe it was too hot.

: What’s funny is that all the early art of her (most of it from 2E) is very clearly based on Elvira. I’m going to paraphrase this entire thing.

: “The magic orb in your chest is actually Karsus’s magic. Your next line will be “You knew the whole time?” and the answer is yes.”

: “Y-”

: “I could have stopped you absorbing it, but I didn’t for some reason.”

: “But-”

: “You’re an impulsive idiot and are only alive because I’ve been feeding the orb with my magic.”

: “-”

: “You’re going to give me the crown, and also take the dog for her weekly grooming. And yes, you only dated me because you’re an impulsive idiot.”

: I’d say “Hire me, Larian”, but honestly I wouldn’t take it. I’d probably tell Swen Vincke that I have a very unique style of writing that cannot be taught.

: Makes me very glad my wife isn’t omniscient.

: Gale then has his Persona 5 Rank 10 confidant cutscene where he realizes he’s an idiot.

: Gale has exactly one more semi plot relevant scene where we meet his cat, but we need to take a sidequest back in Rivington for that. I’ll do that at some point.

: There are two ways to find where Cazador is. The one that’s more plot relevant is this Gur encampment in Rivington. You can also go to the flophouse, but it makes less sense that way.

: This isn’t strictly necessary - we could just go right to Cazador’s palace and start exterminating.

: (unintelligible, faintly Irish-sounding fantasy gibberish)

: “My friend from the hag swamp? You join us as we honor our fallen dead - you are a bright light on a dark day. Even you, my erstwhile quarry.”

: “Oh - eh.. hello again?”

: (unintelligible Norse-sounding fantasy gibberish because Larian’s writers can’t figure out what nationality the Gur are)

: “I feel we’re intruding. We should leave. Quickly.”

: “Calm yourself - you will not be harmed. Our leader has called off the hunt. She wishes to speak to you.”

: (unintelligible fantasy gibberish that no longer sounds like any language at all)

: “So, the impossible spawn walks among us in the blazing sun. We have been looking for you.”

1. What do you want with Astarion?
2. If you want to throw him on that pyre, I fully support that.
3. We want nothing to do with you.

: “What do you want with Astarion, and why haven’t I killed you yet?”

: “The last time your friend came to our camp, he stole our children. Our future.”

: And that wouldn’t be a problem if your half-Irish, half-Norse.. whatever the fuck nationality you’re supposed to be.. people hadn’t killed him.

: “When I was hunting you, I was to bring you back here. To interrogate you, discover how to save our children, and then destroy you.”

: “But things have changed. You have changed. Is it true that you left your master? That you broke the spell that binds you to him?”

: “Well, I mean.. kind of? It’s a long story, honestly.”

1. Yes, Astarion’s free now.
2. It was more dumb luck than any skill on his part.
3. What business is it of yours?
4. [BARD] I’m thinking of turning it into a ballad, if you’re interested.

: “Yes, he’s free now.”

: “Free? Not while his master still lives. But he has, perhaps, earned a second chance. We have tried to save our children once already, attacking Cazador Szarr’s palace at first light. Even then, it was too well-defended.”

: “But if his own spawn approached? Someone he thought he could control? He would throw his doors open and welcome you in. And once inside, you could do what we could not. You could save the children you damned.”

: “You don’t know Cazador like I do - he’s merciless. You want me to march into the lion’s den and save your children, but I promise you, they’re already dead.”

: “I spent two hundred years bringing him victims. Each and every one was whisked away to be fed on that night.”

: “But you never saw him feed yourself? He could keep prisoners for days before killing them.”

: “I know our plight is grim, but if there is even a chance to save them, we must take it.”

: “If our children are gone, then we ask for blood. I know you can understand that, spawn.”

1. If Astarion won’t help you, then I will.
2. You owe them revenge, Astarion. If nothing else, you owe them that.
3. We can’t help you. There’s nothing more to discuss.

: I love how there’s no mention whatsoever of the fact that the Gur killed Astarion in the first place.

: “You owe them revenge, Astarion. If nothing else, you owe them that.”

: “I suppose.. yes. Yes, revenge I can do.”

: “Thank you, from me and all my people. If you can do this, we will be in your debt. You have lived a life of violence and sin. You have stolen lives, broken families, and caused immeasurable grief. Doing this will not right those wrongs, but it will be a start. You may still be redeemed.”

: Again, he was doing it because he was under Cazador’s control.. which he was only under because you killed him. Larian Writing at work.

: The reason I like this sidequest isn’t because of the writing. Let’s go kill Cazador.

: Cazador’s lair is right near a warp point in the lower city - you climb up a guard tower and it’s there.

: “You know, I was expecting to find some processed cheese or meat or something in these.”

: “Vampires crave the blood of the innocent, not the processed cheese of mortals.”

: This ladder is another glitchy spot - if you have Astarion go up first, the dominated guards will let you in without needing a check.

: This lets us up into the ramparts. Before going in, though..

: There’s a chest over here with healing potions in it. We’ll want these because there’s borderline unavoidable damage in the palace.

: I don’t know what this key does, but we grab it anyway.

: Cazador has these goat-titty paintings all over the walls. Seriously, there’s one in almost every room.

: We need to get past this door to progress, but of course Larian decided to do the whole Resident Evil thing.

Narrator: “The door is engraved intricate text, but you can’t see anywhere a key might fit - only a small, round hollow engraved with a family crest.”

: If we have Lyselle make the knowledge check, we also get..

Narrator: “It’s written in archaic Kozakuran - a rare version of an already-obscure language.”

: “There are inscriptions like this all over the palace. Cazador strictly forbade us from learning the language.”

: There are two items we need to get past the door, and one of them is downstairs, past another painting of goat tits.

: It looks like one of those anthro species with skulls for faces.

: Somebody took a shit in there alright.

: We need to go into the stink room, but the moment Lyselle opens the door she takes damage. You can also see how close we are to the maximum level.

: This is what Pathfinder would call a Haunt - haunts are essentially magic traps made of ghosts that need specific (and usually dumb) steps to disarm.

: We need to have Lyselle walk in and cast Remove Curse on the body. This removes the haunt.

Victoria, remember to read that ancient language book. You’ll need to know some of the vocabulary to be able to move freely within the palace.

Father

: That’s an idiotic way to run a palace. Mine has one locked door, and it’s the one to my vault. I’ve never had a problem with security.

: Because of the giant demon elephant, right?

: You should see the looks on their faces.

: “This is where I took our ‘guests’. I’d entertain them here, until Cazador appeared and.. took them away. No one ever died here, though. Something strange happened to that girl.”

: This room is one of the most poorly-explained things in the game. To understand it, you need to go to the flophouse, find one of the vampires and pickpocket her (she can’t be killed).

Dalyria’s Private Diary

Before I was Dalyria, vampire spawn slave to Cazador Szarr, I was Doctor Dalyria, Physician General to the Parliament of Baldur’s Gate.

Spawn or no, I"m still Doctor Dalyria, and I will not submit to this lowly status.

The others say vampirism is a curse, but in my educated opinion, it’s a disease, and therefore must be vulnerable to medical treatment.

I believe a massive infusion of fresh, youthful blood may overwhelm the vampirism infection and enable my body to heal. There is one potential source of such blood here: Victoria, the as-yet pureblooded daughter of Leon Onufrio.

Leon was a sorcerer before he was a vampiric slave, and has warned us not to prey upon Victoria as he has imbued her with a counter-curse in the event of attack - made her a necrotic booby-trap, as it were.

I think Leon is bluffing.

: The room has a helmet that’s kind of useless, a random scroll, and a ton of RP clothing.

: What we need is this dictionary.

: Down the hall is a secret door that Astarion will point out. There is a very low priority camp event where a bunch of Cazador’s spawn will try and kidnap Astarion.

: I believe it can only happen if Astarion isn’t in the party, and I couldn’t get it to trigger.

: “Behold, one of Cazador’s cheapest tricks: an illusionary wall. And behind it is the kennel - a fetid little cell he’d throw us into when displeased.”

: Once we enter, a talking skeleton comes out of nowhere.

: He is summarily exterminated.

: We can now open the door.

: First though, we’re going to get some more emotional support treasure chests. We’re going to need them.

: The chamberlain’s office has an illusory wall that leads to a room with a dead werewolf in it. There’s a whole stupid romance side plot where the werewolf killed herself to be with her lover.

: More importantly, she has two good chests in here.

: Also the chamberlain’s office has more goat tits in it.

: Back at the door, we put the ring in the obvious socket and read the book at it to open it up.

: There’s an obvious ambush in here.

: Was anyone surprised by this?

: You can fill the entire hallway with chests to stop the werewolves from jumping, but they’re so weak that it’s not worth it.

: Tactician mode is on, I’m just not using the other portrait because I fell off that show real hard halfway through season 2.

: The ballroom has two werewolves, two regular wolves that buff everyone else, and a bunch of bats and rats.

: None of this is even remotely a challenge. The party takes a bit of damage from bat bites and the two vampire spawn who will aggro for no reason, but this isn’t a problem.

: This is an entire band. He had the band killed. I’m going to torture him to death.

: Goat tits.

: This room has a dumb gimmick. There are two secret doors, and only one can be open at a time.

: “Is that cheese I smell over there?”

: “Cazador’s clearly an alcoholic, it’s probably to wash the taste of all the booze that’s in every room out of his mouth.”

: The attic is a small maze of secret doors peppered with diary entries from Cazador’s niece, who got turned into a vampire and decided to write fanfiction instead of drinking the blood of the innocent.

: The dreaded fujopire, who drinks yaoi to survive.

: The only thing up here of note is this treasure room, which has another button “puzzle” where you have to press the button twice.

: What we need is this key, which lets us into the area where Cazador is.

: And this key, which leads to an optional area.

: The optional area is underneath a chest in the other room.

: It has a couple of pressure plate puzzles that activate traps. There’s no reason to bother with any of it - you can pick the locks on the doors to bypass the puzzles and the reward is trash.

: The only other door out of the ballroom leads to an elevator, which goes to Cazador’s boss room.

: Annoyingly, there’s a fast travel point here that we can’t use.

: There are two of these doors, which are opened with the ring. One leads to Cazador’s dark and tragic backstory which boils down to “He was abused”.

: The other way leads to the boss fight, and that’s what we’re after. Just as a warning, there are going to be some exposed breasts for the rest of the update.

Narrator: Approaching the cells, you’re met by hollow-eyed faces. There’s an almost physical stink of decay and neglect.

1. Gods - these poor people.
2. Is this how you used to live, Astarion?
3. Astarion - do you know who these prisoners are?
4. Leave.

: “Astarion, do you know who these people are?”

: “I don’t even know what this prison is. He hid all this from me and the others. I’m just surprised to see such wretched-looking specimens - Cazador had a more refined palate than this.”

: “You. I know you. You’re the one from the tavern. You smiled and joked and got me drunk.”

: “You - no. You’re dead.”

: “You called me so many sweet things. My name sounded like a lyric on your tongue.”

: “Sebastian.”

: “You remember me.”

: “You were handsome. Shy. You’d never been kissed.”

: “You taught me how. And then you destroyed me.”

: “It can’t be-”

: “Who is he?”

: “It’s not just him. I know so many of these faces. They’re my conquests. I pursued them, seduced them, then brought them to Cazador. He told us he was feeding on them.”

: “But he turned them to spawn. He turned every last one so he’d have souls for this cursed ritual.”

: “How long?”

: “What?”

: “How long have I been down here?”

1. Let Astarion answer.
2. [PERSUASION] We’ll set you free.
3. [INTIMIDATION] Stop whining. The only thing that matters is killing Cazador. He’s responsible for all of this.
4. We need to go. Now.

: “One hundred and seventy years. You were one of my first.”

: Bullshit. Even if you’re immortal, being locked alone in a cell for 170 years would drive you insane. I doubt he’d make it past 170 days.

: “My family - my friends - they’re gone… you took them from me. You took everything from me!”

: “We’ll set you free. Where is Cazador?”

: “The grand chamber, just ahead. But even if you can kill him - what then? What happens to us?”

: “Like I said, we’ll set you free.”

: “Free from this nightmare? It doesn’t feel possible…”

: The kids are right across the way, and have already been turned.

: Before you go in, ditch Astarion for someone else. This fight spirals out of control quickly if he’s in the group.

: If you absolutely must bring him, keep him at the top of the stairs in stealth.

: See these stairs? Astarion cannot pass through those stairs at any time. If he does, the fight goes into fanfiction mode.

: As a vampire, he’s weak to sunlight, which disables his remaining fanfiction powers and does 20 damage a turn if he sits in it.

: I switch Lyselle out for Shadowheart. The first order of business is to cast Heroes Feast. I made the mistake of not having all the summons out - have them out when you do this.

: Get your summons out and barricade the stairs. This will stop most of his small army of undead from doing anything. Note that Cazador can teleport.

: Have someone attack him from stealth. This gives you a surprise round against everyone but Cazador himself.

: Cazador has Call Lightning and Blight, which does high single-target damage. If he sees Astarion, he will focus fire on him. This is why we leave Astarion upstairs.

: He’ll try to turn into mist, which does damage to anything he passes through. Let’s disable that.

: Daylight will do the trick.

: With a surprise round, you can get your summons up in his shit and bash his face in. Once he’s taken enough damage, he drops the spells and gets six melee attacks a turn.

: His ghouls and bats can’t cross the chest wall. The werewolves can jump over it, but need at least one turn before they can do that, and there’s a chance they get stuck on it for a bit.

: Definitely don’t bring Astarion in, because if you do he’ll go for an instant kill.

: Once he’s dead, clean everything else up and the fight’s over. Watch out for the skeleton, since it can sleep-lock the party and will always hit.

: “No, no. No healing sleep for you. Wake up!”

Cazador Szarr: “Get your hands off me, worm.”

: “I’m not the one in the dirt.”

: “One last thrust and I’ll be free of you. I’ll never have to fear you again. But if I finish the ritual you started, I’ll never have to fear anyone, ever.”

Cazador Szarr: “You think me a fool? That I would allow anyone to usurp me, speak the words, and ascend in my place? The runes I carved into your flesh bind you and all seven thousand souls to the ritual. Complete it and those bearing the scars will be sacrificed - yourself included.”

Cazador Szarr: “You are simply a means to an end. I made you to be consumed.”

: “I am so much more than what you made me. Get over here. We can do this.”

1. All right, what do you need?
2. You can’t finish the ritual - you’ll kill all these people!
3. Didn’t you hear him? If you complete the ritual, you’ll be consumed!
4. I’m not doing this.

: “You’re not finishing the ritual. Make any attempt to, and I will end you.”

: “And then what? Release all the spawn? How many people will they kill? Tens of thousands? Hundreds of thousands? If I complete the ritual, think of the power I’ll have. With me by your side, we can save the city. We can save ourselves!”

: “I want you to live a life you can be proud of. You can’t be proud of this.”

: You can make either a Persuasion or Intimidate check. Unlike Shadowheart, I don’t believe there’s a way out of doing this.

: If you don’t persuade him, Astarion leaves the party permanently - either because he does the ritual, or because you stop him by killing him or one of the other vampires.

: “You - you’re right. I can be better than him.”

: “But I’m not above enjoying this.”

: I can’t get good screenshots of this cutscene because it happens so fast, but I highly recommend you watch it here. This is my favorite scene in the entire game.

: Holy shit. Look at him go. I wish I could still have that much fun killing someone.

: I think it’s a little much.

: I’d have punched him instead.

Dalyria: “Is.. is it over? Is he…?”

: “Yes. He’s gone.”

Pale Petras: “What does that mean for us?”

1. It means you can do whatever you want.
2. What do you want it to mean?
3. That depends - can you keep your fangs to yourself?
4. Say nothing.

: “It means you can do whatever you want.”

: “You can do whatever you want. Sounds terrifying - and it is - but there’s opportunity in it, too. You can hide here, living in the shadows like parasites, or you can be more than what he made us to be.”

: “You can choose differently, of course, but the consequences are on your head.”

Dalyria: “And what does it mean for them?”

: “Ah. Now that is a question.”

Narrator: “Cazador’s staff controlled everything during the ritual. If it controls the cells too, you could decide their fate.”

1. They’re too dangerous - they need to die.
2. Let’s release them. They deserve the same chance you got.
3. Why not just leave them? They’re not our responsibility.

: “The poor wretches in the cells are innocent. They shouldn’t have to suffer just because I lured them here.”

: “They’ll need someone to lead them. Take the tunnels into the Underdark, find somewhere.. well, not safe, but less perilous?”

: They could live in that place under the temple, with the laser statue.

: For killing Cazador, we get his staff. It sucks compared to Markoheshkir, but we have a use for it.

: More importantly, we get the knife Astarion used to kill Cazador.

: The potential +3 to save DCs sounds good, but from what I recall the bonus resets every time you rest.

: The party also hit max level from that fight, so let’s finish everyone’s build.

: Originally, I was going to give Pollux a level in storm sorcerer. However, there’s something even better we can do. If we make him a 12th-level Bard, we can use his feat to get Dual Wielder.

: This allows Pollux to use Wyll’s sword and Rhapsody at the same time. This isn’t going to be Pollux’s final gear loadout, but it’s close.

: Lyselle will also get Dual Wielder for similar reasons.

: Karlach remains a fighter all the way to 12th level. Her final feat is Savage Attacker, which gives her Advantage on damage rolls.

: Astarion takes his final level in Rogue, which gives him Evasion. We could get another feat if he went Fighter instead, but it’s not going to make a huge difference.

: I’ll do the same thing for Minsc once I bench Astarion again, since his plot relevance is over.

: “You killed one vampire, but released seven thousand of his spawn? Have you lost all sense?”

: “They were innocents. To kill them would have been an even greater crime.”

: “And our children? What of their fate?”

: “Cazador turned everyone we brought him into spawn. I can only assume your children were somewhere in those wretched cells. You’ll find them in the Underdark, although you may not like what you find.”

: “This is… difficult news. We will need to decide what it means. Thank you for what you have done - slaying Cazador was a great justice. As for the rest.. well, time will tell.”

: That’s one more ally down. Before we end the update, I need to do some shopping.

: The first order of business is back in Gortash’s audience chamber. This has to be done BEFORE you do the coronation - but fortunately, I hadn’t actually done it on this save.

: You can chug a couple of invisibility potions to reach Gortash’s office. There are fanfiction gundams all over who will kill on sight.

: Inside Gortash’s office is this chest, which conveniently can’t be seen by any of the guards or gundams in his room.

: The Helldusk Boots are the best foot-slot item in the game. Once per turn, you can automatically make a save. Couple this with Evasion and now you can no-sell a single damage spell.

: These are going on Astarion/Minsc for that reason.

: Our next stop is at Dammon, who has some armor upgrades for Karlach.

: The Armor of Persistence gives you half physical damage at all times and a +1d4 bonus to saves. It’s one of only two armors that are really an upgrade to the adamantine armor we made in Act 1.

: He also sells the Boots of Persistence, which give permanent Freedom of Movement and Longstrider. These go to Karlach.

: Finally, he’s got these, which boost Karlach’s hit rate. This is important because Karlach takes a -5 penalty to hit in exchange for +10 damage, so it helps mitigate the accuracy loss.

: They’re also better than her current gloves (which add +1d4 fire damage) because Raphael is immune to that.

: Let’s take Lyselle and get her some good items.

: To do that, we head down to the docks and accidentally encounter some sahuagin looking for the trader. They die without doing much.

If you’re reading this, I’m probably dead. Trapped underwater by madmen and fishfucks. Explosives everywhere, no way out. Praying for help. Margery, Quinten, Holly - I love you all.

: This is part of Gortash’s questline, and is the part that fails if you kidnap him. We’ll see what that’s about once Raphael is dead.

: What we’re looking for is right here. This building is the source of a quest and a mini-boss, but right now we’re just here to shop.

: Inside is this guy. He’ll tell you about the Tharchiate Codex for 1500 gold if you have the Necronomicon on you, or if you’ve read it. We should do that at some point.

: This would have been useful against Cazador if not for the fact that Pollux and Lyselle both have something better.

: What we’re actually here for is this. The Hood of the Weave is the best hat for casters who aren’t using an Eldritch Blast build. With this, Lyselle’s spell DC increases to 25.

: There are two more stops we need to make. The first is to kill Ethel again, because she has a ring Lyselle wants. The second happens to be with Helsik, who we need to talk to anyway to get to the Hazbin Hotel.

: The next update was one I was really looking forward to when I was still into Hazbin. It was originally going to be titled “Happy Day In Hell”, but now will be called “Hear My Hope”.

: We’ll give Ethel an abortion (no, seriously) and then kill Raphael to stop his godawful theme song. We’ll also find out what we’ve been holding onto all those explosives for.

: The radio asshole’s gonna be paste.

: Let’s look at the godawful fanfiction that happens if you try to fight Cazador the “legitimate” way.

: Cazador does a gloating villain speech and then does the Darth Vader “fuck you” thing to stop Astarion punching him.

: Goes through the usual abuser shit, etc.

: He then Darth Vaders Astarion into the last ritual circle, at which point this fight becomes TOTAL BULLSHIT.

: Cazador gets bonuses for each vampire in the circle. He gets extra bonuses for Astarion, Violet, and Yousen. This increases his damage to the point where his mist form can instantly kill.

: In one turn, just by moving, Shadowheart is dead and Pollux is nearly dead before either of them even get a turn. This is why no one does this version of the fight.

: You can take away his bonuses by standing in the circles near the hovering vampires, which gives you a small amount of temporary HP and a small damage bonus.

: But fuck this. Any boss fight where you can potentially wipe on the first turn is bad. We also don’t have control over Astarion. The whole thing feels absurdly punishing, and plays like a bad WoW raid boss.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3. Today, we’re destroying a hotel and killing a blatant reference. We’ll also kill Ethel for the last time. Fanfiction will be punished.

: The only song will be that fucker’s screams. No lame Disney “power of friendship” song with people shooting magic friendship beams at the big evil cannon.

: Note that the custom shit I wanted to do for this update didn’t work because the game is spaghetti. The official mod tools don’t work on Patch 7. I’ll do a workaround.

: Before we kill Ethel again, there’s a breadcrumb quest we can do for some background. Normally, you’re supposed to find posters for an anti-hag support group and then track them to an abandoned building that tells you to come here.

: We’ll just skip that whole part. In fact, we could go kill Ethel right now if we wanted and skip all of this.

: You can see the gnome standing in the front - that’s the one masked person we saved when we fought Ethel the first time. There’s a scene with her I got once but didn’t have my recording software on.

: How many times have we killed this guy?

: I don’t think.. wait, that is the same guy. What the fuck?

: Look, my contract says I get a minimum of three appearances.

: The cleric will think you’re a hag and try to kill you. You need to make a speech check.. but if you saved the gnome, she’ll speak up if you fail the check.

: She’ll tell us that Mayrina is here and got turned into a sheep.

: We can attack the voodoo doll in the back, which will do some damage to Mayrina but will fix the problem. You can also cast Remove Curse on it.

: We don’t want to do that because it leads to CRAB BATTLE.

: Instead, we want to kill the dragonborn downstairs. He’s one of Ethel’s redcaps in disguise who somehow survived being exterminated the first time.

: It’s definitely a union thing.

: He drops the key to Ethel’s lair, which we know from the rats at Jaheira’s house is in a bar called the Blushing Mermaid. The bar is just around the corner.

: “That lying, thieving, scaly little shit. Thanks for knifing the bastard. That makes twice you’ve saved me. I’m starting to think you’re my guardian angel.”

1. Good to see you again, Mayrina.
2. You made an adorable sheep.
3. This is the last time - I’m tired of having to save people over and over again.

: “Good to see you again, Mayrina. I’ll never forget using that magic staff that made things explode.”

: “You too. I’ve come a long way since we last met. Decided I was sick and tired of feeling stupid. Helpless. So I decided I wasn’t going to be a victim anymore.”

: “This group is made of survivors - people like me who’ve been hurt by hags. I brought them together to fight back. We tracked a hag to the city, but lost her trail - right after she snatched a little girl.”

: “I have a feeling this is going to be another episode of The Writer’s Barely Disguised Fetish.”

: “It already is. The missing girl’s mother is near the Basilisk Gate, at the Flaming Fist’s headquarters. Check out the safe in the back first.”

: The safe in the back has a book about how hags commit vore in order to get pregnant. It also contains abortion pills. No, I am not making any of this up.

: This sounds like someone went down a list of tags on Furaffinity.

[An excerpt from A Hunter’s Guide to Hags by the legendary dwarven ranger Amandine Heartwood. Text in this excerpt has been underlined several times.]

All but the most arrogant of hags, from Night to Bheur, know that death is a possibility. As such, they won’t hesitate to fanfiction their way out of death, returning stronger than ever.

To do this, hags use, of all things, the common and humble mushroom. By imbuing these spore-producing fungi with her essence, she can endlessly revive herself. Neither blade nor bow will do these fungi lasting harm - the very twisted magic that heals the hag defends them.

Instead, fire is your ally. Burn the mushrooms to ashes, and your blade will strike the hag’s heart true. But a warning, hunter - even in death, a hag is dangerous. Be quick, be swift, and be deadly.

: “A hag. Gotta be. I’d better drink some Swallow and get the silver sword ready so I can make a quip about how men are the real monsters.”

: Now, we could go through this entire process to figure out what Ethel is disguised as.. but she’s fanfiction, and fanfiction must be punished.

: The bar isn’t hard to find. It’s a big building with half a boat sticking out of it.

: One of the murder targets is here, and we can warn her to run away.

: There’s supposed to be a whole breadcrumb thing where you talk to Ethel in disguise and she hires you to kill the missing girl’s mother. We’re not doing that in order to avoid fanfiction.

: This wall is an illusion, and now it’s time for a rehashed encounter.

: The enemies here are souped-up versions of the ones we fought in Ethel’s first lair. Normally what happens is you confront Ethel upstairs and she teleports down here and activates the traps.

: Without the traps, this fight is barely a speed bump. One thing to note: like the last fight, one of the masked people can be saved - that being Captain Grisly, which is who Ethel is disguised as.

: I also find out that Astarion’s boots only work once per long rest.

: Pollux maxes out the bonus from Cazador’s dagger and now hits extremely hard. That’s nearly 50 damage from one spell, not counting the shot he gets with his off-hand ranged weapon.

: We knock out Captain Grisly, and now it’s time to enter Ethel’s fanfiction bunker. We’re going to need an elaborate explosive setup.

: There’s a hidden chest in a corner with a scroll of disintegrate in it. I’ll give this to Karlach so she has an option in case she’s too far outside of melee range.

: In the next room, we can open a shortcut to the basement, which has a couple of low-tier explosives in it.

: This fight is a shitfest if you try and take it head-on. Ethel has three mushrooms which give her a total of +15 to all of her saves.

: The mushrooms regenerate all of their health each turn, and there’s three of them. Ethel can’t die as long as the mushrooms are active. If you kill her, she comes back with full HP.

: If you confront Ethel upstairs, she’ll be invisible and waiting in here. The second you engage, she starts shitting out clones - except this time, the clones are invisible. With a +15 to saves, they’re all but immune to See Invisible.

: If you attack one of the mushrooms, Ethel teleports in and the fight starts. Our goal is to blow all three of them up as quickly as possible. Let’s start setting up.

: The mushrooms, being stationary, can’t make saves. Eight wine barrels will do the job. You could probably use fewer, but what else are we gonna use these on?

: We could get Pollux really drunk.

: This one’s set too. Unfortunately, it’s not possible to make a wick to connect the barrel piles. Even a runepowder barrel can’t reach.

: Our weapon of choice is going to be scorching ray, which can hit two sets of barrels at once.

: Keep your highest initiative character here, near this mushroom. The mushroom gives you haste for free, and that’s how we’ll destroy the third mushroom.

: “Now now, petal - that wasn’t very polite.”

: “I killed you once, bitch. Now I’m going to kill you again.”

: “You made a mockery of me, you little shit - besting me in my own home. Did you think I would simply walk away?”

: “You teleported after I put that massive hole in your head, as I recall. Thanks for the free Charisma point.”

: “That said, I’m shocked and appalled, petal. I can’t believe you’d try to gut me out in the open like that! After all, it’s not just me anymore. I’m.. PREGNANT.”

: The game is a little bit confused because it doesn’t expect you to do what we just did.

1. You’re pregnant? Fitting for a shitty fanfiction monster.
2. Liar.
3. Why should I care?

: “Funny how you assume I care. I already know about your stupid mushroom phylactery. It’s over.”

: “The precious, sweet little girl I ate? She’s still alive. Vanra sits in my belly - growing fat with power. In time, I’ll vomit her up, and have myself a fresh young hag to train.”

: “I have you beat - so do the heroic thing. DIE.”

: I didn’t intend to do this, but if you place the barrels just right, Ethel will catch on fire when she spawns in. You can see that she and her clones are all in the same place.

: Because she’s on fire, we know where the real one is.

: Astarion runs into the haste spores, and then blows up the last mushroom, removing the last of Ethel’s fanfiction powers.

: Because he has Haste, Astarion can still attack twice. Pollux follows up, and she’s now down to 25% HP.

: Karlach quickly crafts an abortion pill - this doesn’t take an action. If you forget the ingredients for the abortion pill, you can also knock Ethel unconscious and give her a lethal C-section.

: “NO! MY UNBORN CHILD!”

: “YOU COST ME A FRESH YOUNG HAG! I’M GOING TO PAINT THE WALL WITH YOUR GUTS, YOU LITTLE SHITSTAIN!”

: The little girl runs off, and Karlach cuts Ethel in two.

: This ring is what we came for. It has an effect that the game doesn’t show due to a bug, which as far as I am aware still exists in Patch 8. The hidden effect is a +1 to spell save DC.

: Lyselle now has a spell DC of 26. By the time we reach Raphael, it will be a 28. We need to long rest now to restore our item cooldowns.

: We’ve also eliminated Ethel as an ally, but her ability sucks and we don’t accept fanfiction on the team. There’s no alternate ally if you kill her again.

: And now it’s time to kill the radio asshole.

: Helsik is in this building, which isn’t far from Cazador’s mansion.

: To get Helsik to talk, we need to prove that she’s trafficking items out of hell.

: “Holy shit, they’re real. Torn from a war devil’s skull.”

: Karlach will automatically identify the right items. You can also go upstairs and find one of Helsik’s mammon coins, or just pickpocket/kill Helsik.

: She’ll demand a payment of 20,000 gold, or a pair of Gauntlets of Hill Giant Strength. The gauntlets are useless, so we’ll give her those before we kill her.

: She sells a very useful cloak for Lyselle that completes the “Weave” set.

: "Huh, there’s a note in here. ‘To Stolas, I made a book out of your boyfriend. You asshole.’ "

: We also get a bag full of ingredients and an instruction sheet.

: The mind flayer will bitch about us doing this, but (spoiler alert) we’re going to kill him.

: The diamond and incense go here. It’s funny how wrong they got this. Someone tries to summon me with this, I’d laugh at them.

: The skull and the coin go over here. Don’t mix them up.

: Looks like the radio asshole put in some new furniture. Don’t these pillars remind you of something?

: Put down two of the really good explosive barrels per pillar.

: Extinguish all of the candles, and then use all of those grease bottles you’ve been holding onto to make a wick.

: While we’re at it, let’s store some barrels here to cut down on trips back and forth.

: And there we go. That’s all of them.

: Once we approach the doors, they open and a mysterious NPC appears.

: “I’m here to finish what I started - killing Raphael.”

Narrator: As you speak, you hear a distant rattle of chains, and the woman winces in pain.

: “Shit. He’ll hear me. I need to go.”

Narrator: The figure flickers and starts to dim from view. But you sense she could be convinced to return.

1. Wait - don’t go. Who are you?
2. Please don’t leave.
3. I can help you be free of whoever’s hurting you.

: “Wait - don’t go. Who are you?”

: “Who am I? It’s my favorite question. My name.. is Hope. As in, the House of Hope. What little is left of it, anyway…”

1. I need to find the Orphic Hammer. Can you help?
2. What is this place?
3. Who is your jailor?

: “I need to find the Orphic Hammer. Can you help?”

: “You must be trying to save the captive gith prince. I can help. The hammer is here, in this House. It’s..”

Narrator: You hear a strange sound, and an agonizing scream in your head as Hope flickers from view momentarily.

: “It’s in the archive. Past all the sinners. Oh, fuck! The sinners! You can’t be here!”

: “I need to get you a disguise. Stand still a minute.”

: “There. You should be able to get through to the hammer without anyone attacking you. I need you to listen very carefully.”

: “The hammer is under lock and key in the archive. Find the key and take the hammer. And then.. could you free me?”

: “Of course.”

: “The moment you do, all Hell is going to break loose. The fire will come, and so will Raphael. Be ready to run.”

: “And please.. don’t leave without me.”

: “We won’t! We’ll get you out. I promise.”

Narrator: The strange sound echoes louder, from unseen places. And without a scream or a sigh, Hope disappears.

: They REALLY ripped this shit off.

: Just past where we entered is the room Raphael took Pollux to during that cutscene in Act 1.

: I knew it. The food was rotten garbage the whole time. The booze is still okay, though.

: The House of Hope is a big circle. Most of the doors lead nowhere interesting.

: That hole in the rock.. that looks suspicious. Let’s come back for it later. I want to at least locate the hammer first.

: A few other doors lead to balconies which have pictures of Beta Raphael.

: This door is the one we want to go in, and let me show you why.

: Those faucets give you a free long rest. We can’t get past the barrier yet, but we will soon.

: This gem on one wall is very important. You need a Wisdom check (DC 10) and an Arcana check (DC 20) to unlock it. You only get one attempt per character, so make sure to save.

: Inside are three very important items.

: The Helldusk Helmet is the real deal - it’s an upgraded version of the adamantine helm. This goes on Astarion, because you’ll note that it’s not heavy armor.

: We can also find out that Mol signed a contract with Raphael. We should take it.

: Finally, there’s this staff. We’re going to re-work Pollux’s equipment a bit.

: Pollux gets Markoheshkir and Cazador’s dagger. The reason is because Markoheshkir has an ability called Kereska’s Favor that adds lightning damage to his Eldritch Blast.

: Lyselle can also use that, but not to the extent Pollux can.

: Lyselle instead uses this new staff, which is Markoheshkir with the serial numbers filed off. It can give you a SECOND free 6th-level spell slot, PER CHARACTER.

: She’ll use Wyll’s sword as a secondary, even though she’s not proficient in it: it’s a stat stick for her and nothing more.

: There are also TWO free long rest potions in a locked chest across the hall. We’re definitely not passing those up.

: As we get close to the door to the archive, Hope shows back up. Ignore the door being destroyed, I accidentally attacked one of the sinners and they explode into demons when killed.

: “Psst. Over here!”

: “The hammer is just ahead, in the archive. The only problem is.. you can’t take it yet. Trigger the alarm, and Raphael will come home and kill us all.”

: “The Archivist has the key, but you can’t just kill him. You’ll need to use his weakness against him. Verillius Receptor. She’s a High Inquisitor of Zariel.”

: “She’s the only one officially entitled to audit Raphael’s collection, and as luck would have it, she’s a gigantic overlord who wouldn’t fit in these halls in her true form.”

: “She is known to take on a different guise every time she visits. Play your part well, and you can be one of those guises.”

: We need to go in here to get the key to lower that barrier, and since we’ve already picked up everything else of interest, we’re good to go.

: I should mention that if you need to leave, there are several things that trigger Raphael returning. One is attacking any of the sinners, which we’ve already done. Attacking the Archivist is another, as is picking up the hammer and freeing Charlie Hope.

: The hammer is in that force sphere, and there’s Korilla again.

: “A guest? Are you a client of the master, or a visitor from elsewhere in the Hells? I do not believe you were invited. One moment - I shall consult the guest book.”

: “Hmm.”

Narrator: His eyes flicker back and forth as if he is reading a book. He has the schedule memorized.. or it’s carved into his eyelids.

: Tried that once. There’s no magic precise enough to make it work, plus they can’t see it with their eyes closed.

: “Most irregular. The schedule is all but clear. And yet you are here.”

1. Attack.
2. Are there any highlights in the collection?
3. I’ve come for the Hammer.
4. [DECEPTION] I am Verillius Receptor, Zariel’s High Inquisitor.
5. [DETECT THOUGHTS] Access the schedule by reading his thoughts.
6. Have you ever met Hope?
7. Leave.

: “My name is Verilius Receptor. I’ve come for an inspection.”

: “A thousand apologies, oh majestic magistrate of the infernal court! Your mortal guise is so vile, I found it perfectly convincing. I would prostrate myself before you and kiss your calluses, but my spine is ruptured in a thousand places.”

: “As always, the Archive is yours to peruse. You’ll find everything accounted for, and I can present documents of procurement if necessary.”

1. I’d like to see the Hammer, please.
2. Could I take a look at the Crown of Karsus?
3. I might have to confiscate some of these artefacts.
4. Any new highlights in the collection?
5. Leave.

: “I’d like to see the Hammer.”

: “An exquisite and most unique artefact. Crafted with materials hewn from the depths of the Hells by Raphael’s merregon labor force. As it was created by Raphael himself, we have no documents of procurement, nor do we require any. But if you wish to examine the artefact itself, you are more than welcome.”

: “As part of the special collection, that item is guarded by a masterword that even I do not know. I suggest you wait until Raphael returns, and you can discuss the matter with him. You are welcome to relax in the boudoir until then.”

: We can now bypass that force field and get infinite healing.

: There are no fewer than four goat titties in this room.

: And more long rests in a can. We now have enough for the entire party. If we go into the back..

: “A lost little mouse is running through the house.”

: “Oh gods. What the fuck have I stumbled into?”

: “A thief in the night, greedy and here to take. Why are you here, little thief?”

: “Raphael made a clone of himself to fuck? Your name is even an anagram of Raphael.”

: You can sell your form to the incubus, but Pollux wouldn’t do that. Let’s kill him.

: Oh, right. You can also ask him about Raphael’s sex life. The joke is that Raphael is a premature ejaculator.

: Haarlep has a really annoying ability - every time he gets hit, he goes invincible until his next turn. The good news is that he can’t actually do anything.

: He summons a bunch of imps that spam Eldritch Blast, but we can go all out.

: Pollux maxes out Cazador’s dagger again, cementing himself as the party’s best damage dealer without using limited resources.

: Lyselle uses Ice Storm, which creates a DC 27 pit of ice that Haarlep slips on. This disables his reaction.

: Haarlep drops the Helldusk Gloves, which are going to Lyselle to get her spell DC to 28. This is as high as it is possible to go for a wizard.

: We can disarm the portrait of Beta Raphael to get to his safe. This has the codeword we need for the hammer.

The actors have finally reached Baldur’s Gate, so I can commence the next stage of my play. They have learned the Astral Prism’s secret, but I will tell them that I have the key: the Orphic Hammer, the only thing that can break the prince’s chains. The Hammer will be kept safely in the Archive, protected by a password. What shall it be? Perhaps, ‘Give me my heart’s desire’!

: Before we take the hammer, there are two other items in the archive. One is the gauntlets that Helsik wants.

: You can, of course, just take them - but if you spot the trap underneath them, you can disarm it and take them without setting off the alarm.

: The other item is the amulet of greater health, which sets your constitution to 23. This goes on Karlach.

: There are a bunch of notes strewn about that are multiple pages long and about Raphael torturing Charlie. I’m not going to bother.

: We have nothing left to do, so let’s grab the hammer and start solving Hell’s overpopulation problem.

: “You got what you came for. The moment you step outside this room, everything will be on fire. Raphael is on his way back.”

: “But you can do this. I know it. Come to my prison and break my chains.”

: Once we leave, all of the sinners outside aggro. On their first turn, they explode.

: These spheres are annoying. They’re resistant to everything, have a shitload of HP, and spew fire everywhere.

: With Markoheshkir, Pollux does a shitload of damage.

: We fight a couple of spheres, a boar or two, and some imps.

: At this point, I set up summons and make trips back and forth to the hot tub to heal.

: Hope will show up once you leave the archive and will lead you to her prison, if you don’t already know where it is.

: The prison is in this hole we found earlier. You can come in here earlier if you want, but there’s no reason to because you need the hammer to progress.

: “My body is held in chains just beyond. The whole House is tumbling down, and Raphael is striding across the planes.”

: “Destroy my chains and we’ll make our exit.”

1. Let’s do this.
2. Any advice when it comes to fighting Raphael?
3. I’m getting out of here without you.
4. Leave.

: “Any advice when it comes to fighting Raphael?”

: “Don’t. But if you must, make sure I’m with you.”

: The “jailor” is two spectators that are identical to the one we fought in Act 1 and a group of Eldritch Blast imps. The only thing to watch out for is the imps pushing you off a cliff.

: Keep in mind that you have an opportunity to go back to the hot tub after this, so just go all out and it’s over quickly.

: What the fuck kind of prison design is this?

: At this point, we need to use the hammer’s special attack on the crystals.

: “Free. I never thought I would be. We’ll carve our way to the entrance hall and end Raphael.”

: We now get Hope as a fifth party member. She is a cleric, and has some unique abilities you’ll want to know about. The game gives you a speed bump fight in the dining room to figure these out.

: The first and most powerful is Revoke Guest Status. Hope can use this against any enemy that isn’t Raphael himself to instantly kill them.

: The second is Divine Intervention. It has four possible uses, but this one is by far the best. It regenerates all spell slots, and since Hope is a temporary party member, there’s no reason not to use it.

: If you killed Raphael in Act 1, all you have to do is walk in and punch him. That’s the smart way to do this.

: We also want to move our barrels around just a little.

: Make sure your wizard has Globe of Invulnerability.

: Have Astarion drink any remaining vigilance elixirs, and then turn the music volume to zero.

Narrator: “Time slows for a moment, and the air becomes thicker. The master of the house is coming.”

: “You.”

: “Yurgir!”

: “There are many things in your world that I loathe. Litters of kittens, chattering children - the noise and the chaos of it all. In my world - in my HOUSE - there is order, and there is decorum.”

: “You came here uninvited, and you stole from me. In doing so, you brought the chaos of your world into mine. I will not abide it.”

1. Looks like you’re right - there are no friends in Hell.
2. Your house is in disarray. Your guards couldn’t even stop me from freeing Hope.
3. It’s over, Raphael. You can’t stop me.

: “Looks like you’re right. There are no friends in Hell. Your guards couldn’t stop me. Neither could your weird sex clone. I enjoyed killing him.”

: “And you, Hope. You are such a piteous thing. All it takes is a crumb from the table, and you forget the centuries of starvation. This insolence has earned you centuries more.”

: “I thought no one was beyond redemption. Clearly, I was wrong.”

: “It’s the fatal flaw of mortalkind. Take away their free will, and they call you a tyrant. Allow them to indulge it, and they become tyrants.”

: His own fault for dealing with them.

: “You would have been heroes if you’d only dealt fairly with me. Instead, you’re not so different to doomed Karsus, over-reaching your limits, and burning your world to ash.”

: “You’re wrong. They will save their world, and they will kill you where you stand.”

: “It’s this charming naivety that makes your company such a joy to me, Hope. I’ll even forgive this little rebellion once you’re suitably chastised.”

: “This isn’t a rebellion. This is an uprising.”

: “Then Hope dies today. Commander - you can salvage a trophy from these insects once we’re done.”

: “My name is Yurgir. These insects understand the honor of hunters better than you ever will, trickster. They helped me to eliminate my prey beneath the shadowlands. Prey that you hoped I would never find.”

: “I think you’re fundamentally misunderstanding whose side I’m on. Who do you think helped them find your home?”

: “You did WHAT?! I will make you suffer torments so vile, the hells themselves will shudder to see them. And whatever torments I invent for Yurgir, I will perfect in the centuries I spend toying with your soul.”

: “If you have any last words, make it quick. It will only take a moment to finish you.”

1. I’ve been hoping to kill you ever since I met you.
2. Say nothing.

: “I’ve been hoping to kill you ever since I met you. Just in case that wasn’t obvious.”

: This song sucks and I hate it. I think the writers liked Raphael too much. You can supposedly find somewhere where he writes the lyrics down, but I don’t give a shit.

: Let’s get some more appropriate music for what we’re about to do.

: Just like the radio asshole, this guy’s all talk. He’s a carbon copy of Ethel - he needs his stupid pillars to get anything done.

: He’s got six cambion buddies who are ripe for being banished by Hope.

: Oh, and Yurgir’s here.

: “Okay everyone, we’ll need to hold hands and aim our friendship beams.”

: “You wouldn’t. There are no friends in Hell.”

: “Oh, I think you misunderstood. Astarion, go.”

: “SCORCHING RAY!”

: “NO! MY UNBORN CHILDREN!”

: Pfft. Should’ve saved one of those abortion pills for him.

: If you want Yurgir to survive, consider throwing him a potion.

: Once all his pillars are gone, Raphael unleashes his combat form. He has four charges, and uses those to rip off my Pathfinder character and launch fireballs for 20d6 damage.

: Get the globe up and spread out near the edges so that Raphael can’t get in.

: And now he’s dead. Clean up the cambions and kill Yurgir if you want. Strongest sinner in Hell my ass.

: If Yurgir dies, you can loot his crossbow. Otherwise, he’s an ally for the final battle. I don’t think he gets a stat upgrade for the final fight, so he might not be worth it.

: We also get Raphael’s armor. This goes on Astarion since Karlach is already fire resistant.

1. You should come with me.
2. Where will you go now that you’re free?
3. What will you do?
4. Farewell, and good luck.

: “You should come with me. The portal’s right over there.”

: “No. I’m not leaving. I’ve been here so long that I don’t know where anywhere else is anymore.”

: “With a little sorcery and a thorough cleaning, this could be a lovely hotel. After all, who wouldn’t want a little Hope in Hell?”

: “I hope the echoes of pain will fade, and memories of sorrow will die. I hope you visit me some day, when it can truly be a happy day in Hell.”

: Our reward is a pair of monk gloves we’re never going to use. They can sit in the trash with all the kushigo gear.

: Now that we’re done, I’m sure you’ve noticed my deceptive editing. I didn’t even use the right font. That’s because the font this game uses (Quadraat) has absolutely draconian licensing terms.

: The font is $1,000 to buy - as in, just to have it on your computer. To actually use it on anything? That’ll be another $9,000 minimum because it’s licensed based on lifetime view count.

: In reality, Hope is a dwarf who is INCREDIBLY annoying. She’s written to be insane, and that equates to being a Jhonen Vazquez character and spouting random shit in all caps.

: I edited all of Hope’s dialog, removed all the stupid all-caps screaming, and rewrote some of it to make sense while still saying the same thing.

: My original plan had been to model-edit Hope, but Larian’s shitty editor doesn’t work on Patch 7 and I’d need to make a mod specifically to do that.

: What I did instead was used the custom companion mod, made the fake Hope, and then reloaded my save to hide the portrait on the side.

: There is a mod to edit appearances on the fly, but it doesn’t work on summons or temporary party members and instead crashes the game by teleporting the party to a void.

: This is a letter you get at the end of the game if Hope is still alive. She literally opens the hotel.

: On the way back, we can give Helsik the gauntlets, or just kill her. We have no real use for them - Karlach’s strength is already higher than 23, and no one else uses strength.

: We are now very close to having done everything in the game. There are a handful of sidequests left, as well as going after Orin and Gortash.

: Next time, we’ll do some of the remaining sidequests and consider going through Gortash’s fanfiction factory.

: Oh, and I went back and saved Yurgir.

: “You fought well - we could use such strength in the Blood War. Now I’m free of Raphael’s blasted contract, I can return to the front lines.”

1. I think you’ve earned a break.
2. I have my own frontline to return to, in Baldur’s Gate.
3. Good luck, Yurgir. You’re a fine warrior.
4. You’re not going anywhere - I’m cleansing this place of every devil, you included.

: “I think you’ve earned a break. Why go back to a pointless war?”

: “Hunting shadows in a temple for a hundred years was a break. I’ll have slain a score of demons before you have your next hot meal.”

: “Oh no you’re not. Come on, Yurgir. You’re just misunderstood - you can be good for good.”

: “Why is she singing?”

: “We’re going to THERAPY.”

: “AAAAAAAAAAGH!”

: “I think it’s time to get out of here.”

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3! Today, we’ll talk to a cat and.. then find the severed limbs of a clown.

: First, I want to show my attempt at spawn-displacing Raphael. This is the barricade - it contains every chest we’ve picked up, plus all the explosive barrels. Does it work?

: Kind of. Raphael spawns in an invalid location (you can see him clipping through the chests). There’s just one problem, and that problem is Yurgir.

: One of the cambions targets him with a scorching ray and that’s it. The game slows to a crawl and never recovers. This means it’s probably possible if you don’t use explosive barrels.

: There are six and a half sidequests left, but two of them are meant to lead you directly to Gortash and Orin. For the first, we’ll need to temporarily replace Lyselle with Gale.

: One of those sidequests I’m kind of mad about because I was going to order a piece from Salty Vanilla and then I lost my job.

: We then need to head to this building in Rivington. Back in Act 1, we found a dead courier near the owlbear cave and picked up all the letters he had on him.

: “Welcome to Sword Coast Couriers - to Send and to Serve. Delivery not guaranteed.”

1. I’m sorry to tell you - I found the body of one of your couriers. He carried this letter.
2. Wait - delivery not guaranteed?
3. I’m not sending anything. You can drop the sales routine.
4. It’s rare to meet someone so cheerful these days. Why the good mood?
5. Leave.

: “I’m sorry to tell you - I found the body of one of your couriers. He carried this letter.”

: Did you kill him? You’re covered in blood and smell like sulfur.

: Surprisingly, no. I think the goblins killed him.

: “Gomwick… that’s a real shame. Fine courier, he was. Stumped how I’ll replace him - most want to get into the city these days, not leave it. We’ve had to cut courier services completely.”

: “I’ll tell you, it’s left me in a right pickle. I’ve sent what I can by pigeon, but now something’s attacking them! ‘Become a postmaster, Danzo. It’ll be easy’. Nobody mentions having to spend your evenings hunting for pigeon carcasses, do they?”

: “Any idea where they went missing?”

: “Not the foggiest. Normally they fly true as an elven arrow. Something nearby is snatching them, I can tell you that much.”

: It’s going to be a giant monster.

: Or a hawk.

: To find the culprit, all we need to do is cross the street to the temple where we killed all those doppelgangers earlier.

: A kitty! With wings! That’s adorable. I want one.

: Are you sure you’re not related?

: She’s 0% cat. Fisher cats are a kind of mustelid.

: This part is a bit glitched. Meet Tara. Tara is Gale’s pet tressym, and only shows up before this if you’re playing Gale as your main character.

: Tressym are magical beasts that like quasits primarily exist to be familiars for wizards. They can understand human language, but only speak their own language called tressymspeak.

: There is a mod that lets you summon Tara, and I thought about using it except that it’s not just a cosmetic thing. For some reason, the mod author gave her spells.

: I also forgot to have a potion of animal speaking active, but I have a video of it in another window I can get the dialog from.

: “Mr. Dekarios! Heavens, fancy seeing you here!”

: “Tara! That can’t be you, can it?”

: “I suppose you won’t be terribly shocked to find your old friend Tara amongst the pigeons. They’ve always been a personal favorite.”

: I can fix her.

: “My, is that a ring? For us? You shouldn’t have.”

: “Enjoy yourself now, Tara. Looks like you’ve got yourself set up quite nicely here.”

: “Gale, she’s been eating those missing courier pigeons. Do you not see the two carcasses over there?”

: “Oh. Right. Did you hear that, Tara? Erm. Stop it.”

: “Well, these must be important birds indeed, Mr. Dekarios. Forgive me for feasting on their bodies and bones so very voraciously.”

: She’s getting tuna and pets and brushing and is never getting let outside again.

: The letters are in her nest, along with a ring we’re never going to use.

: Blink is extremely buggy. What it’s supposed to do is give you a chance to be invincible at the end of your turn. Instead, it breaks any active concentration and removes item effects.

: We also get inspirations for Pollux and Karlach, which let us stock back up on re-rolls. Let me go switch Gale back out and we’ll finish this off.

: Before we do though, there’s one minor thing we can do. In the back yard, there are a couple of dogs in cages. These are named after Swen Vincke’s dogs.

: This is also where the name “Tav” comes from - it’s short for “Gustav”, who I imagine is one of the few living beings who still want anything to do with him.

: You can talk to the dog trainer if you have Scratch and she’ll try to take him, or you can intimidate her into fucking off.

: Or we can exterminate her and a couple of nearby cops. I kind of want to do a run where I respec everyone into an eldritch blast build and attempt to clear the city.

: There are a couple of ways you can end the letter quest. You can give the postmaster the letter, convince him to give you more money, or you can read the letters and find out he works for the Zhentarim.

: I’m going to go with the quickest option.

: Our next sidequest takes place at the circus, which is right up the street from the courier office.

: “Hello hello, and welcome to the Darkmoon Faire Circus of the Last Days - the finest extraplanar circus there is!”

: “Ah! A circus! Can we go?!”

1. I’ve never heard of an extraplanar circus.
2. Why is a ghoul sniffing people?
3. Is this extra security because of the priest who was murdered?
4. Is now the time for a circus? The army of the Absolute is close.
5. I’d like to enter the circus.
6. Leave.

: “I’m here to do my stupid daily quests so I can buy all the pet battle pets before they patch pet battles out because no one likes them except those weirdos on the private servers.”

: “Just let the ghoul sniff you. For security reasons.”

: The ghoul will always find something wrong with you - if you’re covered in blood or dirt, it will remark on that. In this case, it’ll complain about the tadpole.

: Even if you talk to them using Halsin or Jaheira (who aren’t tadpoled), the ghoul will still refuse to let you in. There are a number of ways around this - there’s a gate in the temple next door you can pick to let you in, and there’s a hole in the fence you can jump over.

1. [PERSUASION] I’m not a threat to you or anyone else in the circus. I mean, I am because you’re a bunch of mid-level NPCs and I have 12 character levels, but I’m not going to randomly kill you. Probably.
2. [INTIMIDATION] Let me in, or I’ll kill you.
3. [BARD] [DECEPTION] I’ve actually just been hired. Meet your new bard!
4. Pay him 200 gold.
5. Leave.

: “I’ve actually just been hired. Meet your new bard!”

: Getting in this way gets you an inspiration for Pollux and Astarion.

: The mummy sells clown facepaint, which is a hilarious trap for people who don’t know how to get rid of it. You need bars of soap - there are a few in the burning inn in Act 1 and some scattered throughout Act 3.

: Across the way is this dryad, who will do “love testing” between your main character and any other party member except for Minsc and Jaheira.

: We all know Pollux deeply appreciates Minsc but would never date him.

: The dryad is one of Orin’s disguises unless you’ve found Orin twice already, so I went and knocked her out off-screen.

: “I’m ready. We’re boyfriends.”

: The dryad sends Pollux to the Boyfriend Dimension, and then you have to answer three questions. Halsin’s are incredibly easy because he’s kind of a non-character.

Listen. Think. When his he most comfortable?

1. While in the form of a bear, clad in nothing but fur.
2. After a supper large enough to induce hibernation.
3. Comfort doesn’t come naturally to him - he’s restless and roaming.
4. At his study in the grove.

: “He’s happiest out in the woods wearing something sleeveless and made of leather. Seriously, I tried three different tailors and none of the options looked good.”

: “He also instinctively flinches at works like ‘doublet’ and ‘designer’.”

: “That’s true. I live for the wilderness. Comfort is for the farm animal, snug in its pen.”

: “I’ll civilize him one of these days.”

: He looks like the front cover of a romance novel, and you know he’s going to burst through that thing as soon as things get steamy.

: Getting a question correct makes Pollux take a step forward. Most of these have two answers that work.

We all strive to do our utmost - to prove ourselves worthy. Tell me, of what is Halsin most proud?

1. His physique. Who can blame him?
2. Saving his friend Thaniel and banishing the shadow curse.
3. Protecting the grove from those who threatened it.

: “Easy. He’s most proud of saving Thaniel, which we accomplished by standing behind a wall of crates and shooting at him until he relented.”

: “That is the truth. I sense I will never surpass that moment, when nature awoke from its nightmare.”

Life is full of victory and loss. You cannot have one without the other. What is Halsin’s greatest failure?

1. Appointing a fanatic as his second-in-command at the grove.
2. Allowing the shadow curse to blight nature for a hundred years.
3. That he somehow let some scrawny goblins capture him.

: “That would be allowing Ketheric to live.”

: “It is true. Nature suffered while I dawdled, and allowed myself to be distracted. The curse is no more, true. But imagine if I had been faster, bolder, better. Lives would have been saved. More than I care to count.”

: This event was originally meant to give you a buff if you have both your character and their love interest in the party, but it either doesn’t work or was cut for unknown reasons. The buff was a +1 to AC.

: The genie here has a weapon I probably should’ve gotten before fighting Raphael.

: His gimmick is that he’s a loud asshole who has a prize wheel that costs 500 gold to spin. Like all carnival games, this is rigged against us.

: To win, you can either pickpocket this ring off him or you can make a DC 20 intelligence check and then a DC 15 Perform as a Bard. Pollux is not going to make the check.

: The next person who spins will win the jackpot. You’re going to want a strong solo character to do this - Pollux will do this just fine.

: Welcome to Jurassic Park Chult. Chult is a 3E setting that primarily exists for people to rip off Indiana Jones.

: It’s full of dinosaurs that Pollux has a pretty good chance to kill in one Eldritch Blast.

: We have dinosaur boys on Monster Boy Island. They’re very endangered and also surprisingly good at cuddling.

: Dinosaur furries are all nerds.

: At the top of this dinosaur cave is a hidden area you have to jump to.

: This gets you a ring that is very easy to miss and which is also trash. The only enchantment spell we give a shit about is Irresistible Dance.

: Near the portal out is a locked chest with this trident in it. This thing is probably the strongest melee weapon in the game.

: Let’s get to the actual sidequest. We need to kill this clown.

: Any plan that starts with “Let’s kill a clown” is never going to end well.

: The animal handlers here are also in on it, and will free the animals on their first turn. You can theoretically pickpocket the keys off them or talk to the animals, but meh.

: To no one’s surprise, the clown is a doppelganger.

: A few turns later everyone is dead.

: We need to talk to the ringmaster. She has some of the worst dialog in the game.

: “Oh dear. Screaming children, an oozing corpse - and it’s not even my birthday. Lucretious: ringmaster, necromancer, Bringer of the Night - oh, and wine-lover extraordinaire. It’s a pleasure, darling.”

: “I thought the Absolute wouldn’t dare set foot in my circus. To use such a woeful Dribbles impersonator - why, it’s downright rude.”

1. An impersonator? Are you sure?
2. You just lost the star of the show - aren’t you bothered?
3. I don’t know, I enjoyed myself. Killing clowns is a rare treat.

: “You just lost the star of the show - aren’t you bothered?”

: “When you run a plane-hopping circus of ragtags and ruffians, few things faze you. Alas, I cannot afford to lose any more staff - funerals are so very expensive. I need to move the circus.”

: “But I cannot leave just yet - not without Dribbles. He was a star - customers of every color and creed simply adored him. I need him back, and I’ll shower the person who finds him in love, adoration, and adequate compensation. What do you say?”

: “Dribbles is probably dead.”

: “Even better! Corpses are wonderful employees. They aren’t picky about things like ‘working from home’ or ‘eating’.”

: Yep, gotta have that fourth wall break. I hate how the rest of the game at least tries to be subtle about the references, and then this happens.

: This is WoW dialog. You’d talk to this NPC, you’d get a quest with a dumbass reference name like “We All Float Down Here” or some shit, and then you’d do it for 30 rep with the Darkmoons.

: The clown’s body is in seven parts, and one of those requires us to get dangerously close to where Orin is. Let’s get started.

: The first piece is owned by a kobold named “Popper”. Great name choice there. Pollux can get it off him no problem, but you can also find this hidden chest behind the stage.

: What did you expect from a writing room full of gay guys?

: Popper will try to extort us for 10,000 gold. You can also kill him, but that aggros one NPC I forgot to talk to. Let’s do that now.

: Next door to Popper is this mud mephit, who will make a statue of you for 5,000 gold. We’ll do this.

: The next piece is one I missed on purpose - it’s in the area with the three doppelgangers underneath the temple.

: The third piece is in this house, which is behind Lorroakan’s shop. The door is barricaded and there’s a fanfiction gundam staring at it.

: All we have to do is stand up here and destroy the barricade from range.

: There’s a guy down here who I think is supposed to be a fire giant but they didn’t model that so they just took a regular civilian model and increased the size scaling.

: There’s a wall safe down here with some expensive vendor trash inside that Pollux can use to pay off his statue of him and Halsin being boyfriends.

: The fourth piece is in this house, which is near the park that we avoided earlier when trying to get to Minsc.

: There’s no way someone wouldn’t notice this. That many bodies would reek so badly the entire neighborhood would smell it.

: This body with a very stupid name has the next body part. In case you can’t see it, the name is “Incontinentia Figgin”.

: I’d say she’s named after someone’s fetish character, but I think that name is so dumb even those people wouldn’t go for it.

: I cannot wait to be done with this quest. It sucks.

: Next up is this house, which is down the street from the building where we met Mayrina. The door is locked and the front is patrolled by a fanfiction gundam.

: We’ll just use the back instead.

: There’s another basement full of dead bodies, and a couple of mines that Karlach and Astarion fail to detect. The fun part is
we don’t need to give a shit anymore.

: Astarion has evasion, and the mines have a save DC low enough that he’s going to make it almost every time - meaning he takes no damage at all.

: This piece is really easy to get - it’s in a building behind Stormshore Tabernacle, and there’s no gundams to stop you lockpicking your way in.

: This room has a bunch of soap in it in case you clowned your entire party and regret that decision. This is as far as we can go with this quest.

: The reason is that the final body part is just before Orin’s boss room. To get there, we need to do her entire quest line, which means doing the “Investigate the Murders” quest and going through two different fanfiction gauntlets.

: Instead, let’s do a sidequest a lot of people miss. This one has to be done before killing Gortash, and has a time limit once started.

: To start it, we need to go all the way back to the start of the lower city and find this random lady talking to a newsboy.

: “Oh ho. You. I know you. How delightful to meet in person, though you’re shorter than I expected.”

1. You have me at a disadvantage. I’ve no idea who you are.
2. Sorry, how do you know me?
3. Rude.
4. Leave.

: “You have me at a disadvantage. I have no idea who you are.”

: “My name’s Estra Stir. Journalist. I speak to the people of Baldur’s Gate so our readers don’t have to.”

1. How did you know who I was?
2. Are your readers not also people of Baldur’s Gate?
3. [BALDURIAN] You work for the Baldur’s Mouth Gazette, I presume.
4. Nice to meet you - I really must be going.

: “You work for the Baldur’s Mouth Gazette, I presume.”

: “You are quite correct - the best broadsheet around. I would certainly recommend picking up a copy in the near future. You are, after all, the star of the next Baldur’s Mouth Gazette.”

: “I’ve never been in a broadsheet before. Where can I buy a copy?”

: “All over the city. Get one soon - so you don’t lose out on the fun of reading it yourself. It’s our juiciest edition in an age, bound to get everyone talking about you.”

: “I’m not mad. They can’t put in the paper that I got mad.”

: You can talk to the editor of the paper, but he just gets pissy and kicks you out.

: We could probably take the fanfiction gundams protecting him, but they’re a pain in the ass to kill.

: Instead, we want to make Astarion invisible and send him down to the basement.

: There are two more fanfiction gundams down here.

: Down the hall is a magic talking printing press. The printing press will know who you are if you saved the pixie in Act 2.

: He’ll offer to print a different story if we can find the printing plates to do so.

: This gets us an inspiration for Lyselle. There are a number of printing plates in the basement and on the floor above. There are three “negative” stories, three “neutral” stories, and three “positive” stories.

: The easiest positive story to get is in this basket near the press. The nine headlines are:

Positive:

• “Adventurers, Our Best Hope For the City”
• “Celebrate the Brave Heroes Who Slew Ketheric Thorm”
• “Make Big Money by Trading with Adventurers”

Neutral:

• “Cutest Cat You’ve Ever Seen”
• “Graverobbers’ Spree”
• “Hear the Finest Shanties at the Blushing Mermaid”

Negative:

• “Curse-Breakers or Curse-Makers?”
• “A Public Danger!”
• “Wolves in Sheeps’ Clothing”

: We get an inspiration for Astarion, as well as a reputation boost with most of the traders in Act 3. The story will print the next time we long rest.

: There is one more quest we can do that doesn’t directly relate to the main plot in some way, and that’s visiting Miku’s hideout under the Elfsong Tavern.

: Before we do that though, let’s go check Bluesky. Surely Swen Vincke hasn’t done anything stupid.

: Uh-oh! Not only is that an outright lie - there’s no way the company can make a model using only their own material - but that’s a major step from “We’d only maybe use it for concept art”.

: “The cellars are just down the stairs - there you’ll find my old lodgings.”

: The chef is one of the murder victims off that list, and he has a dumbass quest for us that exists solely to be a BG1 reference.

: He wants us to kill all the rats in the cellar.

: And now we go through Rat Hell from Look Outside.

: There are a couple of wine barrels and puddles of alcohol connecting them, so all we have to do is blow them up.

: “I hear some big rats up ahead. The colonel doesn’t like this…”

: “Squeak!”

: “The psionic detector’s been activated. There’s some rats ahead alright.”

: I think they’re more frogs than rats.

: The strategy here is to kill the two frogs keeping the gates up, which will shit out more frogs.

: Jump on the paladin immediately and kill her. We can then focus on the gates.

: We’re still on Tactician, so it is extremely unlikely that we’re going to interrupt the gate casters through damage.

: We can go all out because we’re going to long rest before we deal with Orin next update.

: The gith go down without too much trouble.

: The paladin has a pair of completely useless boots. I have no idea why they put so much Lae’zel-specific gear in this game.

: This room has a bunch of exposition we do not give a fuck about.

: You can find out that the mind flayer liked soup. What a critical character detail.

: And here’s where he tortured his victims to death.

: Our reward is a sword and some armor we’re never going to use.

: The rats drop a ring that allows us to cast Dominate Beast, which.. yeah, we’re never going to have cause to cast that.

: Finally, we can talk to the inn’s owner. This gets us our final campsite of the game.

: For 200 gold, you can rent the entire top floor for the rest of the game. On balanced, this is probably worth it if you’re running low on food.

: There’s a dumbwaiter in the back that will sell you a supply pack per night for 60 gold. On Tactician or Honor Mode, it’s kind of pointless because one supply pack isn’t enough to rest.

: Finding the mind flayer’s stuff makes him try and fuck you. We’re not doing that. Next time, we’ll do Orin’s questline and kill her.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3. Today, we’ll kill Orin and hope that Swen Vincke doesn’t do anything stupid. We ended the last update in just the right spot to do that… except we didn’t.

: Normally, what’s supposed to happen is that this room is closed off as a crime scene. You talk to Devella (the person Valeria sent us to see) and she tells you to go investigate the kill list.

: If you saved any of the murder targets, she’s not there anymore. In fact, doing so kinda breaks this entire questline.

: To solve the murders, we need to go to this place, one of the two clothing stores in Act 3. This is the part where things get a little bullshit.

: If Devella isn’t in the Elfsong, she’ll be here. The thing is, by the time this scene finishes, we’ll have gotten to the point in the quest where she leaves the game.

: Ordinarily, you do this part, report back to her, and she goes “Okay I’m gonna go fuck off to the Upper City” and never comes back.

: “It’s unusual for prey to supply the tools of its own butchery.”

: “Razors, scissors, nail files - so many cuts one could make. And yet, such a fleeting window… but then, who am I to deny the auspices of destiny? For we are celebrating, Master Figaro.”

: “Did we just solve this entire quest by stumbling on the answer at random?”

: “I think we did. The best way to solve a quest.”

: “You have the delicious honor of being my crowning achievement. Your body is my ultimate gift to my lord Bhaal. Together, we shall transcend.”

1. Stop right there!
2. Back off. That’s my kill.
3. [BARD] A paralyzed victim and a creepy monologue? Could you get any more cliche?
4. [STEALTH] Keep to the shadows while the dwarf is distracted.

: Pollux doesn’t have a chance of making that stealth check, so we’ll do the dumb thing and go right in.

: “A paralyzed victim and a creepy monologue? Could you get any more cliche?”

: This fight sucks because the shop owner and Devella are both paralyzed in the back room and will get focused down with auto-crits.

: This is the point at which the game goes fanfiction mode. Dolor drinks a haste potion, throws a paralytic toxin at Lyselle (which misses but paralyzes her anyway without allowing a save) and then proceeds to instakill her.

: That’s about the only thing that happens in this fight. Dolor gets killed by Astarion and Karlach, Pollux blasts the doppelgangers in the back room, and the enemies don’t even get a hit off.

: The dwarf has a pair of boots that give you Dimension Door - this is important for the second of two fanfiction gauntlets on the way to Orin.

: He also has a bag full of severed hands we need to get into the fanfiction gauntlet.

[The following text is printed haphazardly on a torn, bloody page titled ‘Dirge of the Unholy Assassin’.]

'Neath Candulhallow’s quiet tombs
Lies a path to murder’s boons.
If entry down below’s your aim,
Seek trigger hidden by a frame.
‘Sicarius’ the door awaits
To admit those who would seek their fates

If to continue you insist
Show a trophy rent from wrist
Of sacrifice for our Lord planned
Present death’s knight a bloodied

[A smear of blood obscures the poem’s final word.]

: This is supposed to be a murder cult. What the fuck are they doing writing poetry?

: One of the doppelgangers has a key we don’t really need.

: The key goes to this door, which is maybe a hundred feet from where Pollux slept last night.

: This is the “trigger hidden by a frame” we need to open the door.

: We don’t get very far before getting stopped by this guy, who is supposed to be a death knight.

: Death knights are oathbreaking paladins who die before they can atone. They’re not to be confused with anti-paladins, which are evil paladins who may or may not be undead.

: You have the option to simply kill them, but they have shitloads of HP and die once the boss in the next room is dead.

: If you’re using Minsc or Jaheira, drop them off at camp. If they enter the next room, combat starts immediately.

: This fight is entirely fanwank for people who played Baldur’s Gate 1. See that guy in the back?

: Sarevok was the final boss of Baldur’s Gate 1. The twist is that he’s your character’s half brother and is effectively Dio Brando except not a vampire.

: He dies in BG1, gets brought back in BG2 as a party member, and then ???. The fact that he’s here is pure fanwank.

: Let’s go into the next room and take a look around.

: There’s two raised sections on the sides. One’s only accessible using a destructible ladder. We can use this.

: The other side has blocks Sarevok can jump up. We can block these off.

: And finally, the middle staircase. Let’s get blocking.

: Our final barricade looks like this. You need this many boxes because Sarevok has a really long jump radius. Box in three people upstairs and your tank at the bottom.

: Sarevok will run at the tank, but can’t actually do anything because his weapon can’t reach past the first row of boxes.

: Kill this echo first. It uses Sanctuary every turn to stop you attacking Sarevok. Don’t kill the others.. yet.

: Even on Tactician, Sarevok isn’t strong enough to break any box that has medium toughness. For safety, it’s best to use the boxes with 100 HP just in case he gets lucky.

: Every five attacks, he gets a buff that allows him to attack five times in a turn. Each attack does 5d10 damage, which could certainly bust the boxes.. but the AI won’t use it on objects.

: Make sure that if you have Nylruna that you don’t throw it if he’s close. The splash damage can hit Karlach.

: Once Sarevok is down, clean up the ghosts. They’ll go down quickly.

: If you’re not the type to spend the entire game hoarding treasure chests, you can use the same strategy as Raphael - put up a Globe, get everyone in it, and attack from inside.

: I realized after looking at this shot that I vastly overestimated Sarevok’s jump distance - I was using Karlach’s as a base and forgot she has 4 more strength and the jump buff from Nylruna.

: The Sword of Chaos will be useful against Gortash, since Gortash resists thunder.

: This helmet is kind of a sidegrade for Astarion the way I use him, but if you’re using him with two hand crossbows it’s probably better than the Helldusk helmet. I’d prefer the crit immunity.

: He drops a note with directions to the Bhaal Temple, which was a location from BG1, as well as the keys needed to get there. Before we go, there’s one thing we need to do.

: If you go through the cutscene, Sarevok tries to get your character to become an “unholy assassin”, and will lead you in here and demand you kill Valeria.

: At this point, the fight becomes significantly harder. There are more ghosts, Sarevok spawns right on top of you, and you don’t have a chance to create an elaborate box fort.

: “Thanks for freeing me so quickly. No idea what those Bhaalist berks had planned with me, but those chains were starting to chafe. Though I do wish you’d figured this all out before I - ah - put the blame for Father Lorgan’s murder on that poor refugee. Well, at least it’s over now.”

1. I didn’t do it for you. I did it to get access to Orin.
2. How did you end up here?
3. If I know Bhaal, this isn’t over.
4. I think it’s best you get out of here.

: “How did you end up here?”

: “After our chat at Sharess’ Caress, I thought it best to polish off the bottle I had started. I started coming over all woozy… my joints stiffened up quicker than a brothel-browser’s loins. Paralyzed. My vision went black. When I woke up, I was in chains.”

: “Overall - a terrible ordeal. One deserving of a drink. I’d bid you good day, but it’s been royally shite all around. But you.. well, you gave these reprobates a proper seeing to. You clearly have what I don’t. Courage. Insight. Heroism.”

: “The city needs you. I overheard these pigs talking - there’s a Bhaal temple deep within the old Undercity that the cult is using. A century ago it was destroyed by a group of heroic sorts. Let’s hope history repeats itself, eh?”

: For not killing him, we get Valeria as an ally.

: We can also look over Sarevok’s office, which has a letter in it that is kinda gross. The gist of it is that Orin is the product of incest.

: Thanks for reminding me that exists. I hate it.

: To get to Orin, we need to bypass the crazy grease sorcerer in the sewers. Because I already did this once on the way to get Minsc, we can’t get seen by him again or he’ll aggro.

: Fighting him head-on is not the best idea because of his fireball spam and his self-reproducing mephits.

: If you go down the side route, you can fight some of the grease blobs without aggroing the pack.

: Sneaking forward a bit, you can then pull a couple of his mephits and more blobs. This will give us a route to Orin without fighting him.

: This door leads to Orin’s area, but we don’t want to go through there just yet. If you haven’t yet had Orin kidnap someone, the trigger for her to do so is just beyond the door.

: There’s one other thing we can do in the sewers, so let’s do that first.

: We can get to this door easily without fighting anything. It’s locked, but we can pick it.

: Inside is Voss and his dragon mount in humanoid form.

: “Have you retrieved the Orphic Hammer? Will our prince’s chains finally be broken?”

: “Raphael is thoroughly exterminated. We had a song about it and fired friendship beams and everything.”

: “The Prince of the Comet is not dead. The Prince of the Comet will come again. The Prince of the Comet will liberate us from the Lich Queen’s tyranny.”

: “The prophecy is one step closer to fruition. Among the githyanki, one gift is esteemed above all others. The silver sword. Take it. Wield it in honor of Gith, the great liberator - and her unforgotten son.”

: “Now that you have the hammer, you must find a way to enter the astral prism. Once inside, smash Orpheus’ bonds. His cry will shake the planes, and I will fly to your aid.”

: “Think again. I will not permit your entry.”

: “I’ll find a way in, and then I’m going to kill you.”

: “Questions? You seem to be lost in thought.”

: “Getting into the Astral Prism will be complicated.”

: “Yes. But you will meet this challenge, as you have met so many others. Friend to Orpheus. Together, we will end the elder brain which shakes this city. Then, I turn my sights to Vlaakith, the queen of deceit.”

: We get the silver sword we could have gotten back in Act 1 using a bear.

: Now that we’ve got the silver sword, it’s time to prep our hostage. Keep in mind that our hostage will only have access to anything they have equipped.

: If you don’t have a charisma character, you might as well throw Minthara in there so you don’t lose anything valuable if you fail the checks to save her. If you do, Lae’zel is the better choice.

: Buff Lae’zel with everything you have and make sure to send anything in her inventory to camp.

: Now we can go through the door and let Lae’zel get kidnapped. Princess Daddyfucker’s not gonna like this one bit.

: We come across a warp point and a couple of bodies hanging over a circle of blood.

: Hitting the bodies with any attack will fill the circle with blood and let us progress into the second fanfiction gauntlet.. which we’re going to break in two.

: This guy, who a friend of mine described as a “sewer gooner”, is standing nearby. He sells some armor for Halsin if you’re playing Halsin as a melee druid.

: Behind the stone door is the second fanfiction gauntlet. Karlach notices the ambush in time.

: Oh look, it’s the fanfiction gang from the bank vault. They’ll eventually move and start firing at you if you go down the bridge.

: The goal is to get to this asshole and kill him in 5 turns. If you don’t, he automatically kills the entire party. Let’s break this in two.

: Teleport Astarion up here using his necklace. The fanfiction brothers have sanctuary on, but that’s not going to stop us.

: Walk back and use a couple of Arrows of Roaring Thunder. You’ve probably got two dozen of them sitting around at this point.

: That mostly takes care of that. There’s one assassin left who made his save both times, but we’ll get him.

: Have your caster get close to whichever martial has Nylruna and use a scroll of Dimension Door to warp right next to the target.

: He’s got fanfiction invincibility, but that doesn’t stop him from being knocked over. If he’s knocked over, he loses his spell entirely and the fight is over.

: The third assassin wound up getting launched onto this piece of rock and got a few hits on Lyselle before he died.

: There’s a bridge that spews blood for no reason and a door that we need the amulet from Sarevok to open.

: Inside are a bunch of non-hostile murder cultists.

: No such thing as a non-hostile murder cultist.

: In a weird bit of continuity, if you found Orin disguised in town, the bodies of the people she replaced will be here - which is weird because the smith didn’t actually die.

: We kill some more cultists, and now it’s time to set up for Orin’s fight.

: Here’s how this works. Orin has six cultists in a circle around her who provide her with 12 layers of fanfiction armor. The cultists have sanctuary on at all times.

: Once engaged, she enters FANFICTION FORM, which gives her a number of new abilities. The wiki has all of these damage numbers wrong, by the way.

: The damage numbers they have come from a specific version of the fight that only happens if you’re the Dark Urge - in that case, you get her fanfiction form instead.

: Piercing Growl is a 30-foot cone that can stunlock, because Orin is a Tigrex now. Relentless Lunge works exactly like the owlbear’s jump attack.

: She also has this thing, which she uses on both you and the cultists. The cultists don’t get dazed if she uses it on them.

: Let’s see the box fort tactic first, before we do this the “real” way.

: This setup is what you want. It keeps everyone more than 30 feet from Orin while allowing them to hit her and stops her from jumping.

: Because the party is protected from all her attacks, it’s safe to summon a bunch of low-level garbage to eat up her twelve invulnerability stacks.

: Nylruna will also eat up three of her stacks per hit when thrown using this setup - one from the weapon damage, one from the AOE, and one from the gravity damage.

: Now let’s do the fight the “correct” way, and by “correct” I mean “cheesing stealth to avoid the fight becoming a slot machine.”

: What we need to do is have Astarion stand way the hell up here with a regular bow equipped. This is crucial because Orin can’t reach him in one turn.

: Snipe one of the cultists, and hope they plummet to their death. Orin will aggro the first time, at which point you hide and run out of the arena until combat ends.

: Make sure not to kill all of the cultists. Leave one alive for when you actually start the fight. If you don’t, the game bugs out.

: This whole thing is remarkably consistent until you get to about this spot, where I had to chug some invisibility potions to let Astarion escape.

: We then go down and let Lae’zel loose. This is kind of a mistake because if she dies, it’s permadeath.

: Meanwhile, Pollux and Lyselle (who are out of combat) use their summons and fly them in to give Lae’zel cover. Lae’zel got hit by the fear stunlock.

: It is at this point that the humiliation ritual begins.

: Pollux uses Irresistible Dance. This hits regardless of any fanfiction Orin has.

: Karlach jumps down thanks to her invulnerability to fall damage and kills the last remaining add.

: Because of Irresistible Dance, the summons get advantage on all their attacks. The water myrmidons can hit three times each, which quickly burns through the last of Orin’s bullshit.

: Even if Orin had made her save against Irresistible Dance, the fight is over.. only she doesn’t make her save and is out of the fight for a second round.

Narrator: A metallic tang fills the air as the Slayer’s form is drained of life - ashes to ashes, blood to blood.

: “NO! My real name.. is Ebony Darkness.. Raven.. Dementia.. Way.. I’m also pregnant..”

Narrator: You have robbed another god of his Chosen.

1. Stand back and admire a job well done.
2. Reflect on your technique - it could have been better.
3. Examine the blood with dismay - this will take forever to come out.

: I think we took all of two hits that entire fight.

Narrator: A glint of light on something in the blood catches your eye.

: Crimson Mischief goes in the vendor trash pile, since it sucks compared to what Astarion has.

: This, however, does not. Bloodthirst is the best weapon in the game for Astarion and one of the best weapons in general. Astarion’s critical threshold is now a 14, and is a 13 if he’s concealed.

: On top of making him more likely to crit, it also makes his crits better - anything it hits becomes vulnerable to piercing damage. This also applies to Karlach, since Nylruna does pierce damage.

: Orin’s room is downstairs from the platform we fought her on. It’s not really important.

: You can see her dead mother, who is also her sister.

: Gross.

: The one interesting detail is this dead dragonborn, who won’t be there if you’re the Dark Urge. This is canonically what happens to the Dark Urge if you don’t play as him.

: On the way back up, we can stop by the area my recording fucked up in. It’s this big staircase that goes from the sewer to Orin’s arena.

: This dead body has Dribbles’ head on them, so we can complete that sidequest.

: Before we leave, there’s one other fight we can do here that unlocks a warp point we’ll need for once we’ve killed Gortash.

: This dock is full of glowing rats, because three fights against swarms of rats wasn’t enough.

: They retaliate with “infectious madness”, which is a charm effect.

: We’ve got plenty of tools to deal with this. Lyselle has fireballs, Karlach has Nylruna, Pollux has his summon that can AOE.

: With that unlocked, let’s go turn in Dribbles.

: This gets us a pair of gloves that let us Power Attack with spells. This is absolutely not worth it. The circus leaves after this, so make sure you’ve gotten Nylruna if you haven’t.

: We can also check out Pollux’s statue. This gets him a semi-permanent Bless.

: I’m now realizing that we’ve murdered our way through Orin and the update is still kinda short, but there’s still some side content we can do.

: Off screen, I go back through that barn with the explosive toys in it, which I did several updates ago but didn’t save.

: I wind up getting into combat with every guard in a five-mile radius while trying to disarm the bears. Don’t ask me, I don’t know. This isn’t the first time this will happen.

: Once we do this, we can go back to Arfur - remember him? He’ll give us the password to the fireworks factory in the Lower City.

: This quest sucks. I probably should’ve done it before we did Raphael, but I hate it that much.

: The entire place is rigged with explosives, which is reason one why this place sucks.

: The clerk has a dumb comedy routine about selling irresponsible amounts of explosives to a child, because it’s 1867 or some shit. Larian Writing.

: He’s a cultist, and we can use the password from Arfur to get upstairs. This doesn’t really do much because even with the password, we need to kill everyone in this building.

: If they’re standing in front of explosives, why not blow them up?

: Because there’s a fanfiction gundam right outside.

: The gundam is a problem because for whatever reason, it has Oblivion guard senses and will aggro you mid-fight through walls.

: Upstairs is another clerk and a level 11 guard with 120 HP. This fight was a pain in the ass when I did it on my first playthrough at level 10.

: We exterminate them quickly. This makes the first floor guards aggressive, but they won’t attack until they can see someone.

: The first floor is easier if you warp out and shoot the clerk from outside. Just watch out for the gundam. Speaking of which, let’s kill that fucking thing.

: Fanfiction Gundams suck because all of their attacks are AOE and inflict “maimed”, which stops anyone hit by it from moving. The AOE on their sword swings is huge.

: At low health, they’ll go into a self-destruct state and blow up on the next round. They’ll blow up immediately if their HP is brought to 0.

: Basically, there’s no good way to fight a gundam other than maybe telling it that G-Gundam is the best one.

: With the gundam gone, we can go in and take all the fireworks from the first floor.

: Come to think of it, we probably could’ve used these to blow Orin up.

: There’s a hatch in the corner with even more explosives - you know, just in case you don’t have enough. I’m kind of tempted to go blow Gortash up again.

: The basement also has a secret door hiding something like eleven explosive barrels. I’m not kidding when I say that there are more explosives in this building alone than there are in the entirety of Act 2.

: Look at that third floor. If we fought up there, they’d destroy our precious explosive barrels.

: There’s a cargo elevator outside the building, in the back. Hit the second floor door with any AOE. A grenade will do.

: This causes the morons on the third floor to investigate.

: If you’ve cleared out the first floor and taken all the fireworks, it’s safe to fireball them as long as they’re on the second floor.

: Flying summons can take the rest out easy. If you do this before the radio asshole, you could probably blow him up on the first turn.

: I went back and counted, and there are almost as many barrels in here as we used on Raphael in total. We have three quests left. Let’s do one more – really, it’s more like an errand. We need to go back to the local mafia, which is safe now that we’ve killed Orin.

: There’s supposed to be this whole route where you can join the Zhentarim, who show up for no good reason to fight the mafia… except the NPC that would do that is currently at the bottom of a ravine in the Fuck Zone in Act 2.

: This leads to a very one-sided fight where the mafia kill the Zhentarim no problem.

: Completing the fight gets us another ally.

: We’ve also eliminated two allies, one because of a bug.

: Arabella was the little girl we saved from Kagha in Act 1 and later found outside the House of Healing in Act 2. She’s supposed to be in the sewers, but isn’t because of a bug.

: Two of our characters already have permanent Freedom of Movement. We didn’t miss much either - there’s one scene where Arabella is in the sewer and goes “I learned magic! The bone man told me I’m supposed to be a great wizard!”

: “Well, look who it is. Glad to see you in the city - hope you found plenty of coin in Ketheric’s coffers.”

: “I know you sold your soul to a psychopathic freak.”

: “A pact is just another deal. He can call himself ‘patron’, but Big Raph doesn’t own me - he’s just giving me the ability to take what I want.”

: “Yeah.. Raphael is um, totally still alive. Can you help us in the final battle somehow?”

: “I’m twelve.”

: “Yeah I knew this was stupid.”

: Next time, we’ll blow up Gortash’s fanfiction factory and do what is probably my favorite part of Act 3 even though it’s purely Saturday morning cartoon shit.

: We’ll also get the sluttiest dress in the game.