Down, Down, Down By the River: Let's Play Baldur's Gate 3

[Timrod]

Summary

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3! Today, we’ll be desecrating a temple.

: I’ll also be avoiding reading the Haruki Murakami novel my mom got me for Christmas. Boy did that bring back some terrible memories. At least it wasn’t After Dark.

: We’re going to start by doing Gale’s quest. Before we do that, we need to visit Jaheira’s house. I’m not sure how you’d know this one is it.

: Jaheira’s house is an orphanage that is full of references to the older games. I’ll save all that for bonus content.

: The only thing we care about is in Jaheira’s study. In Act 1, we picked up a pin off a dead harper in the duergar base. This is where we’re going to use it.

: There are other ways to get one if you missed it, including two in this house alone.

: Sticking the pin in this slot opens the secret entrance to Jaheira’s shed.

: It’s full of traps, but Jaheira will point them out if she’s with you.

: We get 10.5 owlbears of EXP just for coming down here. If you have Speak with Animals on, you can talk to the rats to get some hints about sidequests.

Messenger Rat: “Down by the Blushing Mermaid, there’s a stink of something fey. Smell of arse, too, but boss doesn’t care about that.”

: Now we know where Ethel went off to.

Messenger Rat: “There’s been killings in a holy place! Stinks of incense and blood!”

: This sidequest gives you the sluttiest dress in the game.

: Pollux would look great in it.

: The bookcase detects as a trap, but isn’t actually trapped. It’s a secret door.

: Belm is an item returning from Baldur’s Gate 2. It used to give you a free extra attack. In this economy, it’s limited to giving you an extra attack for a bonus action.

: What we really want is in this display case back here. This necklace is from a garbage “official” expansion pack to Baldur’s Gate 1 released 20 years later.

: The expansion was called Siege of Dragonspear and released in 2016 as a paid add-on to the BG1 remaster done by Beamdog in 2012.

: Siege of Dragonspear is generally hated because it doesn’t have a reason to exist: it’s a “bridge story” between BG1 and BG2 with none of the original writers involved.

: “A gift from my husband. I’ve had to renew parts over the years, but the heart remains the same as the day he gave it to me.”

: Khalid was Jaheira’s husband. He gets tortured to death by BG2’s villain before BG2 starts. Siege of Dragonspear tries to “add context” and that’s why people hate it.

: Normally, you’d want Jaheira in the party for Stormshore Tabernacle. You’d also want Gale since it’s his character quest. Instead, we’re taking a Beef.

: Stormshore Tabernacle is located directly next to the entrance to the Lower City from Wyrm’s Crossing. We’re going to ignore everything in here because..

: Let’s get one of the most powerful melee weapons in the game. On Patch 7, all you’ll need is an expendable character, a high-strength character, and a controller.

: This can still be done on Patch 8 but requires near frame perfect inputs.

: Start by lockpicking this hatch in the corner. The only person in the church is a priest who tends to turn his back to it.

: There are a bunch of holy fire traps down here. It’s probably a good idea to do this without summons so they don’t accidentally trip them.

: Now that we’ve solved this little problem, it’s time to go over to the other side.

: These chests are where the offerings go if you decide to make one upstairs. We only care about this middle chest. Beef, do your thing.

: Meet the best amulet in the game for casters. If these existed in Pathfinder, you can bet Louis Cypher would have two of them.

: Taking anything from the chests here hits the thief with a debuff. Let’s just look at what this does.

: From here, you can either use Remove Curse or just kill Private Beef. In a normal game, you would use one of the hirelings from Withers.

: Angels are idiots who just love dropping their weapons. Where do you think I got this gun from?

: Pick up the dead angel. Normally, these angels are summons and disappear on death - but not these ones.

: Now we switch to the controller. This game’s controller interface is bad. Don’t play this game on consoles.

: I sure love going through sixteen wheels to find an attack, don’t you?

: What we want is this wheel, which you get by hitting R2 (or RT if you’re one of those people). Go into anyone’s character sheet.

: This lets you take the angel’s mace, which is normally impossible. 4d8 radiant is an insane amount of damage, and you can dual-wield these.

: If you’re playing this yourself and don’t mind using glitches like this, get two of these for any melee attacker who isn’t Astarion.

: You can still do this in Patch 8, but it is MUCH harder and involves mashing a button to reveal the inventory for a few frames.

: Once you’ve gotten as many maces as you’d like, you can go upstairs and pray to one of the statues. I would not recommend doing this because it lags the fuck out of the game.

: If you make an offering, it opens up a screen containing EVERY ITEM YOU HAVE, which will make the game slow to a crawl.

: Offering around 4000 gold per character gets you a buff that gives you +2 to all saves. You can then go get your gold back from the basement.

Narrator: “There she stands, just as Elminster promised. Mystra. Goddess of the Weave. Mother of all magic.”

: Let’s bring Gale here so we can finish his plot line. It is not good.

: “The old man wasn’t lying. She’s opened a summoning channel. Can’t you feel it?”

Narrator: “Gale’s right. The very air around the statue crackles with magic. It sets your teeth on edge.”

: “A stream of pure, undiluted Weave. I only have to reach out, and it will carry me to Mystra, wherever she may be. Time was, I’d have given my right arm for a chance to speak with Mystra again. The left one too. Maybe a knee..”

1. You’re ready for this, Gale.
2. You don’t owe her so much as a fingernail. She asked you to blow yourself up.
3. I don’t think she’s that kind of goddess.

: “You’re ready for this, Gale. And by ready for this, I mean ready to be permabenched for Lyselle.”

: “Am I? You’re right. I am a strong, capable wizard. And this is no more than a casual reunion with an ex-lover. My omnipotent, omniscient ex-lover…”

: Uh-oh, are those WRITING PROBLEMS? I think they might be! This entire scene makes no sense if you assume Mystra is omniscient. In fact, Gale’s ENTIRE PLOTLINE makes no sense.

: “I always wondered what being nervous would feel like. I hate it.”

1. Do you know what you’re going to say to her?
2. Of all the things to be nervous about, an audience with a goddess seems reasonable.
3. Why do you care what she thinks of you?
4. Pull it together. You’re going to make a fool of yourself otherwise.

: “Do you know what you’re going to say to her?”

: “During my time locked away in Waterdeep, I prepared a quite comprehensive speech for her on the subject of our former relationship, and the manner in which it ended.”

: Correct answer: “It doesn’t matter, because she already knows.”

: “Alas, recent events have rendered the majority of it moot, so I’m going to have to improvise. Unless you have any words of wisdom to impart before I go?”

1. You’re not taking me with you?
2. Seek her forgiveness, Gale. It might be your only hope of curing the orb.
3. Make her squirm. Tell her the Crown will be ours soon enough.
4. Don’t give anything away. Just find out what she has to say.
5. You shouldn’t go to her, Gale. Don’t give her the satisfaction.

: Again, correct answer: “It doesn’t matter what I tell you, because she already knows.”

: Or she’s lying and has enough power to convince people she knows by manipulating things to go her way. That’s usually how it works with those types.

: Wouldn’t this mean that she already knew that if he blew himself up in Act 2 it would end the world?

: This choice is ultimately what determines which ending route Gale is on. Choice 2 is his good ending.

: “You’re right. A heartfelt apology is the surest way to a goddess’s heart, and her favor. I’d pray that she’ll be in a forgiving mood, if she weren’t the one I’d be praying to.”

: “She already knows what you’re going to say.”

: “Gale of Waterdeep. You look well.”

: “Mystra. I never thought we’d speak again like this. Why am I here?”

: “There is much unsaid between us, but time runs ever short. You discovered what lies at the heart of the Absolute - the Crown of Karsus - and you disobeyed my instruction. Why?”

: YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT!

: “I didn’t want to die. And when I saw the Crown, I thought I might not have to, if I only understood its power.”

: “And you believe you have the right to such an understanding?”

: I have seen the face of God and it is a generic middle-aged white lady who has filed a complaint about her neighbor to the HOA.

: I think this is the lady who sent out a distress signal once because her latte wasn’t hot enough. Or maybe it was too hot.

: What’s funny is that all the early art of her (most of it from 2E) is very clearly based on Elvira. I’m going to paraphrase this entire thing.

: “The magic orb in your chest is actually Karsus’s magic. Your next line will be “You knew the whole time?” and the answer is yes.”

: “Y-”

: “I could have stopped you absorbing it, but I didn’t for some reason.”

: “But-”

: “You’re an impulsive idiot and are only alive because I’ve been feeding the orb with my magic.”

: “-”

: “You’re going to give me the crown, and also take the dog for her weekly grooming. And yes, you only dated me because you’re an impulsive idiot.”

: I’d say “Hire me, Larian”, but honestly I wouldn’t take it. I’d probably tell Swen Vincke that I have a very unique style of writing that cannot be taught.

: Makes me very glad my wife isn’t omniscient.

: Gale then has his Persona 5 Rank 10 confidant cutscene where he realizes he’s an idiot.

: Gale has exactly one more semi plot relevant scene where we meet his cat, but we need to take a sidequest back in Rivington for that. I’ll do that at some point.

: There are two ways to find where Cazador is. The one that’s more plot relevant is this Gur encampment in Rivington. You can also go to the flophouse, but it makes less sense that way.

: This isn’t strictly necessary - we could just go right to Cazador’s palace and start exterminating.

: (unintelligible, faintly Irish-sounding fantasy gibberish)

: “My friend from the hag swamp? You join us as we honor our fallen dead - you are a bright light on a dark day. Even you, my erstwhile quarry.”

: “Oh - eh.. hello again?”

: (unintelligible Norse-sounding fantasy gibberish because Larian’s writers can’t figure out what nationality the Gur are)

: “I feel we’re intruding. We should leave. Quickly.”

: “Calm yourself - you will not be harmed. Our leader has called off the hunt. She wishes to speak to you.”

: (unintelligible fantasy gibberish that no longer sounds like any language at all)

: “So, the impossible spawn walks among us in the blazing sun. We have been looking for you.”

1. What do you want with Astarion?
2. If you want to throw him on that pyre, I fully support that.
3. We want nothing to do with you.

: “What do you want with Astarion, and why haven’t I killed you yet?”

: “The last time your friend came to our camp, he stole our children. Our future.”

: And that wouldn’t be a problem if your half-Irish, half-Norse.. whatever the fuck nationality you’re supposed to be.. people hadn’t killed him.

: “When I was hunting you, I was to bring you back here. To interrogate you, discover how to save our children, and then destroy you.”

: “But things have changed. You have changed. Is it true that you left your master? That you broke the spell that binds you to him?”

: “Well, I mean.. kind of? It’s a long story, honestly.”

1. Yes, Astarion’s free now.
2. It was more dumb luck than any skill on his part.
3. What business is it of yours?
4. [BARD] I’m thinking of turning it into a ballad, if you’re interested.

: “Yes, he’s free now.”

: “Free? Not while his master still lives. But he has, perhaps, earned a second chance. We have tried to save our children once already, attacking Cazador Szarr’s palace at first light. Even then, it was too well-defended.”

: “But if his own spawn approached? Someone he thought he could control? He would throw his doors open and welcome you in. And once inside, you could do what we could not. You could save the children you damned.”

: “You don’t know Cazador like I do - he’s merciless. You want me to march into the lion’s den and save your children, but I promise you, they’re already dead.”

: “I spent two hundred years bringing him victims. Each and every one was whisked away to be fed on that night.”

: “But you never saw him feed yourself? He could keep prisoners for days before killing them.”

: “I know our plight is grim, but if there is even a chance to save them, we must take it.”

: “If our children are gone, then we ask for blood. I know you can understand that, spawn.”

1. If Astarion won’t help you, then I will.
2. You owe them revenge, Astarion. If nothing else, you owe them that.
3. We can’t help you. There’s nothing more to discuss.

: I love how there’s no mention whatsoever of the fact that the Gur killed Astarion in the first place.

: “You owe them revenge, Astarion. If nothing else, you owe them that.”

: “I suppose.. yes. Yes, revenge I can do.”

: “Thank you, from me and all my people. If you can do this, we will be in your debt. You have lived a life of violence and sin. You have stolen lives, broken families, and caused immeasurable grief. Doing this will not right those wrongs, but it will be a start. You may still be redeemed.”

: Again, he was doing it because he was under Cazador’s control.. which he was only under because you killed him. Larian Writing at work.

: The reason I like this sidequest isn’t because of the writing. Let’s go kill Cazador.

: Cazador’s lair is right near a warp point in the lower city - you climb up a guard tower and it’s there.

: “You know, I was expecting to find some processed cheese or meat or something in these.”

: “Vampires crave the blood of the innocent, not the processed cheese of mortals.”

: This ladder is another glitchy spot - if you have Astarion go up first, the dominated guards will let you in without needing a check.

: This lets us up into the ramparts. Before going in, though..

: There’s a chest over here with healing potions in it. We’ll want these because there’s borderline unavoidable damage in the palace.

: I don’t know what this key does, but we grab it anyway.

: Cazador has these goat-titty paintings all over the walls. Seriously, there’s one in almost every room.

: We need to get past this door to progress, but of course Larian decided to do the whole Resident Evil thing.

Narrator: “The door is engraved intricate text, but you can’t see anywhere a key might fit - only a small, round hollow engraved with a family crest.”

: If we have Lyselle make the knowledge check, we also get..

Narrator: “It’s written in archaic Kozakuran - a rare version of an already-obscure language.”

: “There are inscriptions like this all over the palace. Cazador strictly forbade us from learning the language.”

: There are two items we need to get past the door, and one of them is downstairs, past another painting of goat tits.

: It looks like one of those anthro species with skulls for faces.

: Somebody took a shit in there alright.

: We need to go into the stink room, but the moment Lyselle opens the door she takes damage. You can also see how close we are to the maximum level.

: This is what Pathfinder would call a Haunt - haunts are essentially magic traps made of ghosts that need specific (and usually dumb) steps to disarm.

: We need to have Lyselle walk in and cast Remove Curse on the body. This removes the haunt.

Victoria, remember to read that ancient language book. You’ll need to know some of the vocabulary to be able to move freely within the palace.

Father

: That’s an idiotic way to run a palace. Mine has one locked door, and it’s the one to my vault. I’ve never had a problem with security.

: Because of the giant demon elephant, right?

: You should see the looks on their faces.

: “This is where I took our ‘guests’. I’d entertain them here, until Cazador appeared and.. took them away. No one ever died here, though. Something strange happened to that girl.”

: This room is one of the most poorly-explained things in the game. To understand it, you need to go to the flophouse, find one of the vampires and pickpocket her (she can’t be killed).

Dalyria’s Private Diary

Before I was Dalyria, vampire spawn slave to Cazador Szarr, I was Doctor Dalyria, Physician General to the Parliament of Baldur’s Gate.

Spawn or no, I"m still Doctor Dalyria, and I will not submit to this lowly status.

The others say vampirism is a curse, but in my educated opinion, it’s a disease, and therefore must be vulnerable to medical treatment.

I believe a massive infusion of fresh, youthful blood may overwhelm the vampirism infection and enable my body to heal. There is one potential source of such blood here: Victoria, the as-yet pureblooded daughter of Leon Onufrio.

Leon was a sorcerer before he was a vampiric slave, and has warned us not to prey upon Victoria as he has imbued her with a counter-curse in the event of attack - made her a necrotic booby-trap, as it were.

I think Leon is bluffing.

: The room has a helmet that’s kind of useless, a random scroll, and a ton of RP clothing.

: What we need is this dictionary.

: Down the hall is a secret door that Astarion will point out. There is a very low priority camp event where a bunch of Cazador’s spawn will try and kidnap Astarion.

: I believe it can only happen if Astarion isn’t in the party, and I couldn’t get it to trigger.

: “Behold, one of Cazador’s cheapest tricks: an illusionary wall. And behind it is the kennel - a fetid little cell he’d throw us into when displeased.”

: Once we enter, a talking skeleton comes out of nowhere.

: He is summarily exterminated.

: We can now open the door.

: First though, we’re going to get some more emotional support treasure chests. We’re going to need them.

: The chamberlain’s office has an illusory wall that leads to a room with a dead werewolf in it. There’s a whole stupid romance side plot where the werewolf killed herself to be with her lover.

: More importantly, she has two good chests in here.

: Also the chamberlain’s office has more goat tits in it.

: Back at the door, we put the ring in the obvious socket and read the book at it to open it up.

: There’s an obvious ambush in here.

: Was anyone surprised by this?

: You can fill the entire hallway with chests to stop the werewolves from jumping, but they’re so weak that it’s not worth it.

: Tactician mode is on, I’m just not using the other portrait because I fell off that show real hard halfway through season 2.

: The ballroom has two werewolves, two regular wolves that buff everyone else, and a bunch of bats and rats.

: None of this is even remotely a challenge. The party takes a bit of damage from bat bites and the two vampire spawn who will aggro for no reason, but this isn’t a problem.

: This is an entire band. He had the band killed. I’m going to torture him to death.

: Goat tits.

: This room has a dumb gimmick. There are two secret doors, and only one can be open at a time.

: “Is that cheese I smell over there?”

: “Cazador’s clearly an alcoholic, it’s probably to wash the taste of all the booze that’s in every room out of his mouth.”

: The attic is a small maze of secret doors peppered with diary entries from Cazador’s niece, who got turned into a vampire and decided to write fanfiction instead of drinking the blood of the innocent.

: The dreaded fujopire, who drinks yaoi to survive.

: The only thing up here of note is this treasure room, which has another button “puzzle” where you have to press the button twice.

: What we need is this key, which lets us into the area where Cazador is.

: And this key, which leads to an optional area.

: The optional area is underneath a chest in the other room.

: It has a couple of pressure plate puzzles that activate traps. There’s no reason to bother with any of it - you can pick the locks on the doors to bypass the puzzles and the reward is trash.

: The only other door out of the ballroom leads to an elevator, which goes to Cazador’s boss room.

: Annoyingly, there’s a fast travel point here that we can’t use.

: There are two of these doors, which are opened with the ring. One leads to Cazador’s dark and tragic backstory which boils down to “He was abused”.

: The other way leads to the boss fight, and that’s what we’re after. Just as a warning, there are going to be some exposed breasts for the rest of the update.

Narrator: Approaching the cells, you’re met by hollow-eyed faces. There’s an almost physical stink of decay and neglect.

1. Gods - these poor people.
2. Is this how you used to live, Astarion?
3. Astarion - do you know who these prisoners are?
4. Leave.

: “Astarion, do you know who these people are?”

: “I don’t even know what this prison is. He hid all this from me and the others. I’m just surprised to see such wretched-looking specimens - Cazador had a more refined palate than this.”

: “You. I know you. You’re the one from the tavern. You smiled and joked and got me drunk.”

: “You - no. You’re dead.”

: “You called me so many sweet things. My name sounded like a lyric on your tongue.”

: “Sebastian.”

: “You remember me.”

: “You were handsome. Shy. You’d never been kissed.”

: “You taught me how. And then you destroyed me.”

: “It can’t be-”

: “Who is he?”

: “It’s not just him. I know so many of these faces. They’re my conquests. I pursued them, seduced them, then brought them to Cazador. He told us he was feeding on them.”

: “But he turned them to spawn. He turned every last one so he’d have souls for this cursed ritual.”

: “How long?”

: “What?”

: “How long have I been down here?”

1. Let Astarion answer.
2. [PERSUASION] We’ll set you free.
3. [INTIMIDATION] Stop whining. The only thing that matters is killing Cazador. He’s responsible for all of this.
4. We need to go. Now.

: “One hundred and seventy years. You were one of my first.”

: Bullshit. Even if you’re immortal, being locked alone in a cell for 170 years would drive you insane. I doubt he’d make it past 170 days.

: “My family - my friends - they’re gone… you took them from me. You took everything from me!”

: “We’ll set you free. Where is Cazador?”

: “The grand chamber, just ahead. But even if you can kill him - what then? What happens to us?”

: “Like I said, we’ll set you free.”

: “Free from this nightmare? It doesn’t feel possible…”

: The kids are right across the way, and have already been turned.

: Before you go in, ditch Astarion for someone else. This fight spirals out of control quickly if he’s in the group.

: If you absolutely must bring him, keep him at the top of the stairs in stealth.

: See these stairs? Astarion cannot pass through those stairs at any time. If he does, the fight goes into fanfiction mode.

: As a vampire, he’s weak to sunlight, which disables his remaining fanfiction powers and does 20 damage a turn if he sits in it.

: I switch Lyselle out for Shadowheart. The first order of business is to cast Heroes Feast. I made the mistake of not having all the summons out - have them out when you do this.

: Get your summons out and barricade the stairs. This will stop most of his small army of undead from doing anything. Note that Cazador can teleport.

: Have someone attack him from stealth. This gives you a surprise round against everyone but Cazador himself.

: Cazador has Call Lightning and Blight, which does high single-target damage. If he sees Astarion, he will focus fire on him. This is why we leave Astarion upstairs.

: He’ll try to turn into mist, which does damage to anything he passes through. Let’s disable that.

: Daylight will do the trick.

: With a surprise round, you can get your summons up in his shit and bash his face in. Once he’s taken enough damage, he drops the spells and gets six melee attacks a turn.

: His ghouls and bats can’t cross the chest wall. The werewolves can jump over it, but need at least one turn before they can do that, and there’s a chance they get stuck on it for a bit.

: Definitely don’t bring Astarion in, because if you do he’ll go for an instant kill.

: Once he’s dead, clean everything else up and the fight’s over. Watch out for the skeleton, since it can sleep-lock the party and will always hit.

: “No, no. No healing sleep for you. Wake up!”

Cazador Szarr: “Get your hands off me, worm.”

: “I’m not the one in the dirt.”

: “One last thrust and I’ll be free of you. I’ll never have to fear you again. But if I finish the ritual you started, I’ll never have to fear anyone, ever.”

Cazador Szarr: “You think me a fool? That I would allow anyone to usurp me, speak the words, and ascend in my place? The runes I carved into your flesh bind you and all seven thousand souls to the ritual. Complete it and those bearing the scars will be sacrificed - yourself included.”

Cazador Szarr: “You are simply a means to an end. I made you to be consumed.”

: “I am so much more than what you made me. Get over here. We can do this.”

1. All right, what do you need?
2. You can’t finish the ritual - you’ll kill all these people!
3. Didn’t you hear him? If you complete the ritual, you’ll be consumed!
4. I’m not doing this.

: “You’re not finishing the ritual. Make any attempt to, and I will end you.”

: “And then what? Release all the spawn? How many people will they kill? Tens of thousands? Hundreds of thousands? If I complete the ritual, think of the power I’ll have. With me by your side, we can save the city. We can save ourselves!”

: “I want you to live a life you can be proud of. You can’t be proud of this.”

: You can make either a Persuasion or Intimidate check. Unlike Shadowheart, I don’t believe there’s a way out of doing this.

: If you don’t persuade him, Astarion leaves the party permanently - either because he does the ritual, or because you stop him by killing him or one of the other vampires.

: “You - you’re right. I can be better than him.”

: “But I’m not above enjoying this.”

: I can’t get good screenshots of this cutscene because it happens so fast, but I highly recommend you watch it here. This is my favorite scene in the entire game.

: Holy shit. Look at him go. I wish I could still have that much fun killing someone.

: I think it’s a little much.

: I’d have punched him instead.

Dalyria: “Is.. is it over? Is he…?”

: “Yes. He’s gone.”

Pale Petras: “What does that mean for us?”

1. It means you can do whatever you want.
2. What do you want it to mean?
3. That depends - can you keep your fangs to yourself?
4. Say nothing.

: “It means you can do whatever you want.”

: “You can do whatever you want. Sounds terrifying - and it is - but there’s opportunity in it, too. You can hide here, living in the shadows like parasites, or you can be more than what he made us to be.”

: “You can choose differently, of course, but the consequences are on your head.”

Dalyria: “And what does it mean for them?”

: “Ah. Now that is a question.”

Narrator: “Cazador’s staff controlled everything during the ritual. If it controls the cells too, you could decide their fate.”

1. They’re too dangerous - they need to die.
2. Let’s release them. They deserve the same chance you got.
3. Why not just leave them? They’re not our responsibility.

: “The poor wretches in the cells are innocent. They shouldn’t have to suffer just because I lured them here.”

: “They’ll need someone to lead them. Take the tunnels into the Underdark, find somewhere.. well, not safe, but less perilous?”

: They could live in that place under the temple, with the laser statue.

: For killing Cazador, we get his staff. It sucks compared to Markoheshkir, but we have a use for it.

: More importantly, we get the knife Astarion used to kill Cazador.

: The potential +3 to save DCs sounds good, but from what I recall the bonus resets every time you rest.

: The party also hit max level from that fight, so let’s finish everyone’s build.

: Originally, I was going to give Pollux a level in storm sorcerer. However, there’s something even better we can do. If we make him a 12th-level Bard, we can use his feat to get Dual Wielder.

: This allows Pollux to use Wyll’s sword and Rhapsody at the same time. This isn’t going to be Pollux’s final gear loadout, but it’s close.

: Lyselle will also get Dual Wielder for similar reasons.

: Karlach remains a fighter all the way to 12th level. Her final feat is Savage Attacker, which gives her Advantage on damage rolls.

: Astarion takes his final level in Rogue, which gives him Evasion. We could get another feat if he went Fighter instead, but it’s not going to make a huge difference.

: I’ll do the same thing for Minsc once I bench Astarion again, since his plot relevance is over.

: “You killed one vampire, but released seven thousand of his spawn? Have you lost all sense?”

: “They were innocents. To kill them would have been an even greater crime.”

: “And our children? What of their fate?”

: “Cazador turned everyone we brought him into spawn. I can only assume your children were somewhere in those wretched cells. You’ll find them in the Underdark, although you may not like what you find.”

: “This is… difficult news. We will need to decide what it means. Thank you for what you have done - slaying Cazador was a great justice. As for the rest.. well, time will tell.”

: That’s one more ally down. Before we end the update, I need to do some shopping.

: The first order of business is back in Gortash’s audience chamber. This has to be done BEFORE you do the coronation - but fortunately, I hadn’t actually done it on this save.

: You can chug a couple of invisibility potions to reach Gortash’s office. There are fanfiction gundams all over who will kill on sight.

: Inside Gortash’s office is this chest, which conveniently can’t be seen by any of the guards or gundams in his room.

: The Helldusk Boots are the best foot-slot item in the game. Once per turn, you can automatically make a save. Couple this with Evasion and now you can no-sell a single damage spell.

: These are going on Astarion/Minsc for that reason.

: Our next stop is at Dammon, who has some armor upgrades for Karlach.

: The Armor of Persistence gives you half physical damage at all times and a +1d4 bonus to saves. It’s one of only two armors that are really an upgrade to the adamantine armor we made in Act 1.

: He also sells the Boots of Persistence, which give permanent Freedom of Movement and Longstrider. These go to Karlach.

: Finally, he’s got these, which boost Karlach’s hit rate. This is important because Karlach takes a -5 penalty to hit in exchange for +10 damage, so it helps mitigate the accuracy loss.

: They’re also better than her current gloves (which add +1d4 fire damage) because Raphael is immune to that.

: Let’s take Lyselle and get her some good items.

: To do that, we head down to the docks and accidentally encounter some sahuagin looking for the trader. They die without doing much.

If you’re reading this, I’m probably dead. Trapped underwater by madmen and fishfucks. Explosives everywhere, no way out. Praying for help. Margery, Quinten, Holly - I love you all.

: This is part of Gortash’s questline, and is the part that fails if you kidnap him. We’ll see what that’s about once Raphael is dead.

: What we’re looking for is right here. This building is the source of a quest and a mini-boss, but right now we’re just here to shop.

: Inside is this guy. He’ll tell you about the Tharchiate Codex for 1500 gold if you have the Necronomicon on you, or if you’ve read it. We should do that at some point.

: This would have been useful against Cazador if not for the fact that Pollux and Lyselle both have something better.

: What we’re actually here for is this. The Hood of the Weave is the best hat for casters who aren’t using an Eldritch Blast build. With this, Lyselle’s spell DC increases to 25.

: There are two more stops we need to make. The first is to kill Ethel again, because she has a ring Lyselle wants. The second happens to be with Helsik, who we need to talk to anyway to get to the Hazbin Hotel.

: The next update was one I was really looking forward to when I was still into Hazbin. It was originally going to be titled “Happy Day In Hell”, but now will be called “Hear My Hope”.

: We’ll give Ethel an abortion (no, seriously) and then kill Raphael to stop his godawful theme song. We’ll also find out what we’ve been holding onto all those explosives for.

: The radio asshole’s gonna be paste.

: Let’s look at the godawful fanfiction that happens if you try to fight Cazador the “legitimate” way.

: Cazador does a gloating villain speech and then does the Darth Vader “fuck you” thing to stop Astarion punching him.

: Goes through the usual abuser shit, etc.

: He then Darth Vaders Astarion into the last ritual circle, at which point this fight becomes TOTAL BULLSHIT.

: Cazador gets bonuses for each vampire in the circle. He gets extra bonuses for Astarion, Violet, and Yousen. This increases his damage to the point where his mist form can instantly kill.

: In one turn, just by moving, Shadowheart is dead and Pollux is nearly dead before either of them even get a turn. This is why no one does this version of the fight.

: You can take away his bonuses by standing in the circles near the hovering vampires, which gives you a small amount of temporary HP and a small damage bonus.

: But fuck this. Any boss fight where you can potentially wipe on the first turn is bad. We also don’t have control over Astarion. The whole thing feels absurdly punishing, and plays like a bad WoW raid boss.