Critical Failure: Let's Dunk on Pathfinder Society (1E) Scenarios

[Timrod]

Pathfinder Society is an organized play campaign for the Pathfinder tabletop roleplaying game. In case you’re not familiar, Pathfinder is a D&D knockoff originally based on D&D 3.5E that originated from a copyright dispute between Hasbro and Paizo, who at that point were a third-party publisher of D&D supplement books.

Unlike a real game, where you and your GM work together to make a story, PFS runs entirely off pre-written scenarios. The GM has very little discretion and must run everything exactly as written. PFS also restricts a lot of things you can do in the real game: you can’t play an evil character, a lot of “evil-adjacent” subclasses and spells were locked off, and there were heavy restrictions on itemization.

The scenarios were largely rushed out because PFS ran on a yearly cycle: each year started at GenCon (a tabletop convention in Indianapolis) and ran until the next GenCon. I was there for the launch of Year 7 in 2015 - I also attended when they launched the final season for Pathfinder 1E (EDIT: As it turns out, Paizo supported PFS 1E for two years after I left, so I was there for the Season 8 launch. There is a Season 9 and Season 10.)

PFS had dedicated GMs, and I was a GM for about two years. If you’re familiar, I was on my second star (denoting, I believe, 50+ scenarios GMed) and working on my third when I quit due to a combination of burnout and the fact that 2nd Edition was coming out and it was going to suck.

We will be playing some of the worst scenarios PFS had to offer - or rather, I will be along with my four PNGtubers, which were made using the very scientific process of rolling randomly on a table full of bad ideas.

Meet the PNGtubers:

Summary

Mara

Mara is a Buddhist demon who appears extensively in Shin Megami Tensei and Persona. This version of Mara has been forced out of Buddhist Hell due to an economic downturn and into the only thing that could possibly be worse: a Vivziepop show.

Tired of years of chaos and wanton violence, Mara has (attempted) to turn over a new leaf as the owner of a host club in Hell. Unfortunately, that host club was located less than a block from the Hazbin Hotel and was promptly destroyed in the extermination at the end of Season 1. He had no other choice but to re-open as part of the hotel.

Likes: Abusing game mechanics, alcohol, violence for a purpose
Dislikes: Everything about the Hellaverse
Favored Class: “Whatever’s the most broken.”
Favorite Hazbin Song: Gravity
Artist: dxgm4 on Discord

The Shape

The Shape (real name unknown) is a superhero who gained his powers by accidentally touching a modern art installation irradiated with mysterious energy. Before that, he was a coach for the Washington Commanders (then called by a different name). He is a parody of a character from a game called Freedom Force that I planned to LP at one point and never did because it’s a pain to record.

His superpower is being immune to concussions and damage due to g-forces, and primarily fights by flying at full speed and headbutting his target.

Likes: His wife, barbecue, football, polyhedric shapes
Dislikes: Evil, soccer, abstract art, triangles, the Philadelphia Eagles
Favored Class: “Bashing the bad guys!”
Favorite Football Team: New York Giants
Artist: chongotheartist on Discord

Astra Fischer

Astra is a five-species hybrid sparklefur. The five species are fisher cat, rabbit, raccoon, deer, and space dragon. By law, she must wear only the most fashionable of clothing. Her usual dress is based on a Versace museum piece with a 7-figure price tag.

Contrary to her appearance, she works a boring office job she doesn’t like to talk about. She streams games in her off hours, and was suggested by prettypinkpansy on Bluesky.

Likes: Fashion, streaming, bars, going out with friends
Dislikes: Mara, horror movies, gore, people who can’t take anything seriously
Favored Class: “I’ll play whatever everyone else doesn’t.”
Favorite Game: Style Savvy: Fashion Forward (3DS), Dwarf Fortress
Artist: Sofftiddies on Furaffinity

Callie Fateburn XXVII

Callie is a Monster Girl Quest OC who is the 27th Monster Lord, living thousands of years after the final battle against Ilias and long after the deaths of Luka and Alice XVI. Since then, the monster girl population has generally become less horny and predatory - especially after the unsealing of Monster Boy Island.

She still lives in the old Monster Lord castle on Hellgondo Continent, along with her single general (a descendant of Granberia) and any other visiting monsters. Met Astra online.

Likes: Monster boys, monsters, sweet potatoes, streaming games
Dislikes: People who still think the old ways exist
Favored Class: “Anything with a pet!”
Favorite Monster Girl: Thunderbird
Artist: _pelmesha on Discord

How does this work?

This LP will have each set of updates done in 3 phases. The first phase is posting the title and a brief synopsis of the scenario. At that point, there will be a two-week break (or more if I need to figure out how to get a VTT going).

During that two-week break, anyone can sign up to play. I will guide you through the entire process if you decide to make your own character, or you can play as one of my PNGtubers. You can sign up in the thread, by DMing me on Bluesky (@timrod.bsky.social) or by finding me on Discord (I’m not hard to find). On the off-chance I actually DO get a full table (a full table is 5 players), then I’ll even go through the trouble of videoing everything.

If no one signs up, I’ll play through the scenario with my PNGtubers acting as players and re-enacting how these scenarios went when I played them in real life. Combat will mostly be glossed over because from experience, most of the fights in these scenarios are not particularly challenging and once a fight starts, no one generally moves once they’re in attack range.

Why is this a separate thread from BG3?

The simple answer is copyright. As far as I am aware, people have done play-by-post games of Pathfinder Society scenarios that are on public forums and Paizo has not had a problem with them. However, I know how litigious tabletop publishers can be. This way, if the thread should get copyright claimed (and I do not expect it to, nor do I believe I am violating copyright), the mods can delete this thread without touching the BG3 LP.

Updates in this thread will be cross-linked to the BG3 LP.

[Timrod]

: Our first scenario will be Season 7-12: The Twisted Circle. This is the last one the former head GM for Connecticut ran before he quit for good.

: It is an absolute mess written by a guy I’m pretty sure only did this one scenario and was probably rushed on deadline to finish it.

: The sign-up deadline is October 6, 2025. You may sign up either by claiming a PNGtuber, or by making your own character.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Boy, I’ve sure neglected this thread. Part of the reason is because building a decent Pathfinder character takes HOURS due to how many splatbooks there are.

: At this point, Mara and Astra are both done. Let’s work on The Shape.

: What I’m going to do is have the party play each scenario at the maximum possible level. This is because it reduces the need for me to make multiple sheets.

: First up is the top part of the sheet. This is 90% flavor - the only thing that really matters here is your alignment and your size. Your god sometimes matters for purposes of qualifying for feats.

: Next up are our stats. The Shape is going to be playing a Fighter, but this is a problem. See, Fighters in Pathfinder 1E suck unless they’re archers. Why?

: The reason is something called Multiple Asset Distribution (or MAD). MAD is a problem with most non-caster classes - there just aren’t enough stat points to go around. It’s why monks and rogues are non-viable.

: Most combat feats (the kind a fighter is going to use) have a 13 intelligence requirement. This means you’re putting points into a stat you have no other use for.

: The stupid part is that Paizo made a way out of this - it’s called Combat Tricks - but that’s not PFS legal. PFS sucked because it enforced a lot of rules that real GMs wouldn’t.

: PFS uses a “20 point buy” system. This is the best I can do with 20 points for a melee fighter assuming we have to follow the absolutely fucking braindead 13 int rule.

: However, PFS is dead outside of major cities. It died in most places during the pandemic, when game stores closed down en masse. None of the players are even real. If we run into a 13-int feat, I’ll houserule it away.

: There we go. Humans get a +2 to any one stat, so we’ll put it into Strength. The Shape is going to do one thing: bash bad guys. We have Mara for the knowledge checks.

: Next is this part. Most of this is from the rulebook: The Shape is a 5th-level fighter, his highest save is Fortitude at a +4. The only things I probably need to explain are BAB and FC HPS.

: BAB is Base Attack Bonus. In 5E (and BG3) you roll and add your stat modifier and I think your proficiency bonus to each attack. That’s not how it works in 3.5E.

: 3.5E is MUCH dumber. We’ll get there when and if I do a higher level scenario. Basically, you only get your extra attacks if you don’t move, but you can still move a little. It’s bad.

: Skills aren’t really important when you’re a fighter. You get probably one skill point a level - The Shape gets two because his character is human.

: This is one of the reasons a lot of guides will tell you not to play a martial as your first character: martials are basically useless outside of combat.

: It’s also why a lot of people don’t like D&D. D&D is a combat game by necessity, because if there’s no combat half the party is going to get bored.

: Fighters get a lot of feats, and Shape gets even more because he’s a human. We’ll start with Power Attack, which is a core feat for all melee characters.

: Furious Focus negates the penalty for his first attack as long as he’s using a two-handed weapon. This is his second of three starting feats.

: Finally, he takes Weapon Focus, specifically in the nodachi. The nodachi is the weapon all melee fighters are probably going to use unless they blow a feat on an exotic weapon. Why?

: In the BG3 LP, Astarion had to equip a bunch of items to get his critical threat range down. The nodachi starts with a threat range of 18-20 and doesn’t require a feat to use.

: We end up taking a couple of other boring feats. Barroom Brawler lets The Shape pick a combat feat he doesn’t have and use it anyway for one combat a day.

: For equipment, we’ll take a +2 nodachi and a regular longbow, along with an agile breastplate. The reason we’re not using heavy armor is because it slows you down significantly.

: Don’t forget the gauntlets.

: And, of course, The Shape isn’t going to make the same mistake that Ketheric did: he’s going to be difficult to disarm and even if he is somehow disarmed he has another option.

: Apart from adding traits (which add minor bonuses, I picked one that gives +1 armor class and one that gives +2 initiative) we’re pretty much done with his sheet.

: Now let’s look at Mara’s sheet. I’ve already done his, so this should be much easier.

: Fighters are great, but can they do 13d6 damage in a 5-foot radius placed anywhere within half a mile? Nope.

: Meet.. heh.. Louis Cypher. He’s a human wizard, and unlike a fighter he speaks twelve different languages. Wizards are always going to be some form of neutral to cheese game mechanics.

: There are a surprising number of spells that either protect you from the spells of good and evil casters or do extra damage to good or evil casters. Neutrals get around that no problem.

: Louis is an exploiter wizard, which is an archetype. Archetypes modify a class’s base abilities - in this case, you lose out on the extra spell slots from being specialized and on a familiar.

: In exchange, you get a pool of points that you can use to power up your spells and access to “arcanist exploits” which are from a different class. I used one to get a familiar.

: Spell DCs are as high as they can go, and I can use a point from my pool (which has 8 points) to increase the DC of any spell I want by 2.

: The only equipment I have is a headband that adds 2 intelligence and a cloak that adds a bonus to saves. That’s all I really need.

: Mara can outright one-shot anything in the first scenario with fireball. It’s disgusting. I’ll probably re-spec him at some point because this build isn’t great at higher levels.

: I also have Astra’s sheet done, so we can look at that.

: Astra is playing an aasimar cleric of Apsu using one of the GM boons I should’ve gotten but never did. You needed these things they handed out to con volunteers for it to be legal.

: She’s a caster cleric, as opposed to what’s called a channel cleric. Channel clerics are charisma based and do exactly one thing: blasting large areas for damage or healing.

: Of course she’s the overpowered sparkledog race.

: You’re just jealous.

: Clerics work a little differently than wizards do. They get the same number of spells, but also get an extra slot at each level. This extra slot is for domain spells.

: In Astra’s case, she has Longstrider and Fly always ready in those slots. Most of the cleric spells kinda suck, but she can inflict wounds and summon stuff.

: Finally, we have Callie’s sheet. Callie is playing a summoner, which is heavily inspired by the Final Fantasy job. Summoner got a REALLY ham-handed nerf that only applied to PFS.

: We’ll be ignoring that nerf altogether because I had a grandfathered pre-nerf summoner I never got to use.

: Callie is playing a half-elf and using a slightly different rule. Each race has what’s called an “alternate favored class bonus”, where you get something else instead of 1 HP a level.

: Half-elves get 1/4th of an “evolution point” to their eidolon (read: Jojo stand) each level as an option, and she’ll be taking that option.

: Like Mara, Callie needs the extra languages to talk with her summons. She could probably get away without the elemental languages but it’s always good to be thorough.

: Summoners are charisma casters, and this is a pretty decent stat loadout for them. You can dump intelligence, but Callie needs the skill points to be a face.

: Let’s be real, I’m the face of the LP too.

: Sure you are.

: I’m glad you acknowledged it.

: Callie’s armor class is slightly better than Mara’s because summoners can use light armor. All of her skill points are invested in being a face because no one else can do it.

: I should mention that typically in a non-PFS game, you’d invest points into things like Spellcraft and Craft to make items on the cheap. PFS doesn’t allow that.

: Now we have to make a separate character sheet for her eidolon. Let me explain what that nerf I was talking about was. The nerf was that they took all the eidolon stats and cut them by 50%.

: Now admittedly, eidolons can be a little ridiculous at certain points. I had a friend who made a summoner whose eidolon was based on Thanatos from Persona 3 and had seven arms, each of which had a sword in it.

: The thing is, most enemies later on have damage reduction, which a build like that is going to have a really hard time bypassing.

: My eidolon is a biped, which has the highest starting strength score. This is because bipeds start out with everything they need to use a weapon.

: For now, I used a few evolution points to modify my eidolon for 18 strength. That will go away in a few levels when it becomes large.

: The eidolon can fly, can use a polearm with a 15-foot reach, and has a half-decent armor class of 15.

: One limitation they don’t tell you about is that the eidolon shares item slots with the summoner. What this means is that if you’re using a headband, your eidolon has the slot taken up without getting the same bonus.

: For that reason, I’m going to spend all my money on a magic weapon. Most summoner spells are buffs or summon spells that don’t use a difficulty check.

: The claws are a free addon for bipeds, and are mostly there in case something gets too close, since the fauchard can’t hit things directly next to it.

: The armor class might seem a bit low for a melee fighter, but that’s without the mage armor spell, which stacks with natural armor for a total of 19.

: That’s just one under mine! And you’re telling me this thing isn’t overpowered?

: Eventually, you wind up way stronger than it is. I thought about making it a quadruped instead and letting you ride it, but it’d be weaker that way.

: And that’s character creation pretty much done, apart from some minor things like picking spells and adding skills to the eidolon (which don’t matter much).

: Next time, we’ll start the first scenario.

[Timrod]

Summary

: Before we do character introductions, I have to read the mission briefing. These are at the start of every PFS scenario.

"Venture-Captain Roderus sits at his desk in the lodge beneath the popular Winding Road Inn in Katapesh. Maps cover every wall of his workspace, and precarious stacks of journals and papers nearly reach to the ceiling.

The venture-captain glances up from his work. “Welcome, Pathfinders. I hope your journey here was not too arduous. I have a fascinating assignment for you.”

He plucks a single sheet of paper from the middle of pile on his desk. “This is a letter from the Osiriani investigator Amenira, who works with the Temple of the All-Seeing Eye. Mercy, the town she mentions in her reports, wasn’t even on our map until now.

It’s a small settlement out in the Mana Wastes. Magic is unpredictable out in the Wastes, and it sometimes coalesces into deadly storms. People in Alkenstar reported seeing one of these magical disturbances heading in the direction of Mercy, but the town weathered the fearsome storm without so much as a scratch.”

: What the fuck is any of this shit?

: Fun story, the actual scenario has a box that basically reads “If you want to understand any of this, go buy these other books”. Anyway, there’s a handout I’m supposed to give everyone, but I’ll just type it out.

Player Handout #1: Amenira’s Report

After six months in Mercy, the local priests are still not totally cooperative. I am still referred to as “the outsider” and nominally kept under curfew, though they’ve stopped caring when I break it, so long as I keep to myself.

The rivalry between the carpenters and blacksmiths is intensifying, and I’ve noticed restrained violence between the two groups. I will investigate further.

The infilitration of the weaver’s home was successful, though brief. I have not yet obtained a sample of the ointment.

My illness has been growing steadily worse, which has complicated my work as it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide. Something shielded Mercy from another mana storm a few days ago. The storm should have razed the town, but it split into two fronts that bypassed the town before recombining. I strongly doubt that the priests here have the power to evoke such a miracle. Is there an artifact in or near Mercy? Further inquiries are required.

: Oh, and anyone who has Knowledge (Religion) can make a roll.

: Is it going to lead to another plot dump?

: Yes.

: I roll a 1 on purpose.

: You make it.

: What the fuck? How?

: Knowledge checks aren’t an automatic failure on a 1, plus you worship Nethys and have a +14 on a DC 15 check.

: You know that the Temple of the All-Seeing Eye is the largest temple of Nethys, the god of magic, on Golarion. Golarion is the setting for Pathfinder.

The venture-captain clears his throat. “One of my contacts at the temple received this missive from her four months ago, and he hasn’t heard anything from her since. I’m sending you to Mercy to figure out why. If she’s still there, ask her why she hasn’t contacted anyone in months and help her finish her investigation; if she isn’t, find out what happened to her. While you are there, see how much of the mystery of Mercy you can unravel. Several of the clergy within the temple are intensely curious about why the mana storm didn’t level the town, and so am I. I will gladly provide you with additional pay for the information that you retrieve. I’ve booked a ship to the city of Alkenstar, which is a few days’ journey from Mercy itself. The ship departs in three hours. If you have any questions, ask them now. You’ll have time to purchase supplies when you arrive.”

: I’m not sure why that’s even a check. Each scenario also includes some answers to questions people might have. In my experience, no one ever asked them.

: What I used to do when I GMed was go down the Q&A part without anyone needing to ask anything, since 95% of the time people started joking around when I called for questions.

Q: What do you know about the Mana Wastes?

A: “It’s a dangerous place, particularly the farther you stray from pockets of civilization. The war between Geb and Nex millennia ago devastated the land, physically and metaphysically, and the scars linger to this day. Expect areas where magic doesn’t work or becomes unpredictable. Clouds of poison and storms of terrible power erupt spontaneously. There are mutated creatures, undead horror (sic), and monstrous scavengers, among other things. Use your best judgment, be ready for danger,and don’t go wandering off into the Wastes more than absolutely necessary.”

Q: Who are Geb and Nex?

A: “Geb and Nex were two of the greatest mages in Golarion’s history. In the Age of Destiny, they founded neighboring nations, which they named after themselves. Eventually, their territorial ambitions led to a bitter war that raged for over a thousand years. They drew upon the most powerful of spells to unleash devastation upon each other, inflicting an untold numbers of casualties and ruining the land itself in the border between their nations.”

Q: Do you know anything else about the town of Mercy?

“It’s a small town roughly twenty miles south of Alkenstar. Ask around when you arrive in Alkenstar, and I’m certain you’ll find someone who knows more about it than I do.”

: And with that, you’re all off to Mercy via Alkenstar via boat. Does anyone have Diplomacy or Knowledge (Local)?

: I have Diplomacy.

: Do I actually have to roll this?

: You do.

: Fine.

: I had two sets of fancy dice back when I played. The clear one (on top) is synthetic opal, while the bottom one is lapis lazuli.

: That’s an 8, plus 13 is 21.

: I got a 33.

: The information you get is based off how high you rolled. Because this scenario is a clusterfuck, I’m going to just give you everything, even though the highest DC is 25.

: For 15+, you know that there are rumors of a vampire hunting travelers on the road to Mercy.

: Is it the sparkly kind of vampire, hunting lone travelers for love?

: No. For 20+, you get “The people of Mercy have a reputation for being insular and extremely devout to their god, Robori. The town has rigid, inflexible rules, but the quality of its harvests encourages traders to occasionally stop by the town to purchase produce.”

: The vampire’s a wizard and they’re feeding people to it intentionally.

: And for 25+, you get “For the past year, an Osiriani woman from Mercy named Amenira came to Alkenstar every month. She traded for supplies and sent large collections of letters before returning to Mercy.”

: I don’t get it. There’s a vampire, but the entire town worships a nature god? Who are we beating up here?

: Now that we’ve got the briefing out of the way, it’s time for introductions. Who’s going to start?

: Let me start! Before you towers Estelle Sparkleheart, a three-species sparklefur with the body of a cat, the ears and tail of a fox, and the wings and horns of a dragon. Her polished, gleaming holy symbol of Apsu, god of dragons, hangs from her neck.

: I’m Louis Cypher, human exploiter wizard. I hurl fireballs for lots of damage and I make skill checks. Past that, I’m a pathetic weakling. Please don’t hurt me.

: I’m a 5’ 2" half-elf cowering behind her 7 foot tall idealized half-dragon boyfriend armed with a spear bigger than I am.

: And I’m Brock. I bash things with a big Japanese sword.

: When I played this scenario for real, I had this guy and his adult son at the table. The son was an adult My Little Pony fan who played only lesbians and tried to have sex with everything. He was maybe a few years younger than me.

: Originally, one of the vtubers was going to be a pony and basically be that guy, but I couldn’t find an artist for it, so I replaced that on the wheel of bad vtuber ideas with a Hazbin OC. You know how the rest went.

: We also had this guy I called Dipshit McOracle. He’s a lawyer and would spend hours poring over options only to make the same character (an oracle, which is a hybrid arcane/divine caster) every time. His characters all sucked.

: Moving on. You take the boat to Alkenstar and head down the road to the town of Mercy. All of a sudden, an arrow lands in front of you. Roll initiative.

: Paizo used to sell these maps on giant plastic sheets you could mark up, and they used them as frequently as possible. I have a blank map but I’m horrible at drawing, so I’ll just edit the image to show where everyone is.

: It’s a little bit small, and I used Shovel for the eidolon, but this is where everyone starts. I am actually rolling dice, I’m just not taking photos every time I do.

: Natural 20! I’m going first, total of 26.

: 16.

: 23.

: I have an 11, and my eidolon has a 19.

: G1 rolled a 12, and G2 rolled a 4. Those are gnolls. The hyenas got a 6 and a 9 for H1 and H2, respectively. Mara, you are up first.

: Can I see the closer group of enemies from where I am?

: Because of the angle and distance, you probably can.

: I cast a fireball right here, using one point of my arcane pool to increase my DC by 2. I also reduce the range to 5 feet, boosting it to 11d6 damage.

: So, uh.. funny story. There’s supposed to be unstable magic here that boosts your caster level by 1.

: 12d6. Do they survive?

: No.

: This is just kind of how PFS scenarios go. Combat is a joke. Even if Mara wasn’t min-maxed, he’d still have a pretty decent shot of oneshotting the gnolls.

: The party spends a full round just moving, and the gnoll fires a single shot. This encounter wasn’t planned very well because the gnoll starts so far away that it takes penalties to hit with its longbow.

: It tries to shoot Mara, rolls a 3, and with the modifiers is at a 1.

: I’m just gonna sit back here and laugh at it for thinking it can kill an asura.

: I’ll take a shot at it with my longbow. Does a 22 hit?

: Yeah.

: It gets shot for six damage.

: I’ll just speed this up, since between The Shape and the eidolon, the gnoll is going to get demolished.

: Here’s the fun part about this: the game tells you to use a weaker version of the enemies for four players. I didn’t do that. If I had, everyone except Astra could one hit kill them in melee.

: And that’s it? A couple of speed bumps and we’re in town?

: Yeah.. sure. Maybe you should check out that cave first.

: What cave?

: There’s a cave?

: This scenario has one major flaw. You see this part of the map?

: That’s meant to be a cave. The game never mentions it’s there unless someone asks about it.

: The thing is, on a lot of the generic maps, stuff like that gets glossed over because it’s not actually meant to be there - and the players figure this out quickly.

: When I played this, we skipped the cave. About two hours later, the GM outright went “Yeah, there’s no possible way you could understand or know this” and got up and left. We never saw him again.

: Yeah, there’s a cave the game outright never tells you about.

: Is there a boulder in there?

: No, but there is:

“Pictographs on the walls of this shallow cave show an indistinct winged creature navigating through a sea of swirling patterns and black dots. A clumsily constructed altar sits at the center of the cave. Dozens of small niches are carved into the wall, most filled with an odd assortment of items; teeth, scraps of clothing, a jar of white liquid, a wooden staff, several pieces of parchment, a cloth pouch, a leather satchel, and several identical wooden dolls.”

: This is somebody’s weird sex dungeon, isn’t it.

: Why the dolls? Are they cave dolls?

: They’re described as being of “exceptionally high quality” and nearly identical. Everyone can make a perception roll if they want.

: I’m the only one who has points in it, and I rolled a 2.

: In the low tier you’d notice something, but it’s unimportant anyway. In fact, I’m not even sure why they have you make checks in here because none of it matters to understanding what’s going on.

: I forgot, I can detect magic. Is that altar magic?

: No, but the parchment and a bag in the corner are.

: And?

: The parchment is two scrolls. One is Speak with Plants, and one is Mount. The bag has a handgun, four bullets, and a potion that silences the gun.

: Gun’s mine. Don’t even care how many penalties I take.

: You’re not taking the gun. I’ve seen you with a gun before. It’s like drugs to you.

: We should sell it.

: Just trust me with the gun. I swear I won’t shoot the first person I see with it.

: You’re going to shoot the first person you see with it. We all know how you operate.

: I mean, I can’t shoot the first person I see because of that stupid “no PVP” rule. But think about it, I could summon a horse and shoot people. Not well, because mounted combat sucks, but I could.

: Let’s just move on.

: The town is a mile down the road, and is made up of around a hundred wooden buildings surrounded by a wooden stockade. There’s a sign attached to the gate, which reads “Mercy does not allow dishonesty, firearms, or large weapons within town limits. Respect the curfew.”

: Fuck this place, let’s go somewhere else. There’s no fun allowed here.

: You see a guy who is a stereotypical old west sheriff, complete with the star badge on his chest. He opens the gate and introduces himself as Sheriff Molume.

: He says that before he lets you into town, he needs you to disarm and let him confiscate your weapons. The only thing he’ll let you keep are light melee weapons and quarterstaves.

: That puts me down to my spiked gauntlet.

: And makes my eidolon useless.

: I tell him to fuck himself. Fireball, one arcane reservoir to increase DC by 2, reducing the size to 5 feet for 11d6 damage.

: You’d kill him in one hit. He’s only got like 24 HP, though you wouldn’t know that given how bad the layout is on this thing.

: Normally when a plot-relevant NPC shows up, the scenario either posts their stat block immediately or tells you what page it’s on.

: This is necessary for a number of reasons - the scenario suggests improving his disposition with Diplomacy, which requires him to roll an opposing Sense Motive check.

: The thing is, there’s no stat block for the sheriff. He does have stats, but they’re buried in a footnote three pages down and aren’t printed.

: When I played this, the GM didn’t see this part (and I can understand why) and so he got really confused as to how we were supposed to do anything.

: Even though I should let you kill him, I’m going to have to rule you can’t so we can finish the scenario and see how dumb it is.

: This is a trap, right? Why don’t we camp outside of town, and then send the two people in who don’t need weapons for combat in the morning?

: We could knock him out and tie him up somewhere.

: Let me tell you how this part went in real life. We had three people arguing over whether to try and kill the sheriff somehow. This went on for half an hour.

: Meanwhile I was sitting there going “It’s not going to matter, the combat in this is for babies”, but no one listens to me.

: Finally, the pony guy’s dad and one other person (who I won’t name) tied the sheriff up and threw him in the weapon locker. That other person was the reason I quit.

: It’s not a trap. Just so we avoid a multi-hour debate.

: Good enough.

: Fine. I’ll give up my weapon.

: He opens the gate and now you can ask him anything you want.

: We should ask about that missing woman, right? What was her name again?

: It was “Amenira.” I ask him where Amenira is.

Sheriff: “Of course I do. She lives in the orange house on the west side of town. She’s been living here, oh.. about a year now. Every month or so, she goes to Alkenstar to send letters to her family. Makes some good toys, she does. Or at least, she did. She’s been in Alkenstar a mighty long time. Maybe she left, but it’s awful rude of her not to have said goodbye to everyone.”

: How long has she been gone?

Sherriff: “Mister, I don’t like your attitude.”

: Roll Diplomacy twice.

: First roll is a 33, second is a 17.

: You’ve made him like you enough that he tells you she’s been gone for two months.

: In the real game, the GM grabbed the character sheets for the two people who had tied the sheriff up and marked them both as “evil”, which in PFS means you’re dead unless you get an atonement spell.

: I think this was part of why he quit.

: I want to know about this curfew. What’s the deal there? Is it because of the vampires?

Sheriff: “Oh, there aren’t any vampires. We’ve got lots of bats because of the cashew trees, but the curfew is because we don’t want outsiders meddling in our ceremonies.”

: Why haven’t we beaten this guy up again?

: If he’s a vampire, he’d still die in this amount of sunlight.

: What if he’s a cultist?

: We already know it’s not a trap. Let’s follow him.

: The sheriff takes you to a bunkhouse on the edge of town, and points out a wooden box next to the door, which is where the villagers will drop off food for you.

: The box has a flag on it that you can raise to get his attention if you need him.

: So now what?

: Are there guards outside?

: Not as far as you can tell.

: I can probably look out one of the windows and light some of the houses on fire.

: Are the doors locked? I’ll try and open the front door.

: The front door isn’t locked. It has a lock from the inside you can use, but it doesn’t have one on the outside.

: When we got to this part, the entire party (minus two people, those being the pony guy’s dad and I) was struck by that problem the beta version of Dishonored had. They didn’t want to leave, and tried to stop us from leaving.

: The scenario explicitly intends for the players to sneak out at night, but really doesn’t do a very good job of signaling it.

: I vote we all sneak out and walk in on the temple at night. They’ll all be clustered up that way and I can kill them in one move.

: What we should do is have two of us go and two of us stay behind in case someone comes to check on us.

: I can hear Dipshit McOracle screaming “NEVER SPLIT THE PARTY”. I hated that guy.

: Who’s sneaking out?

: I will.

: You’re made of brightly colored fur and glitter. I’ve seen parades stealthier than you.

: So you can go with her. You can cast invisibility, right?

: What happens if the vampires show up? Actually, forget I said that. The vampires are probably total pushovers.

: I’m making this party significantly more coordinated than any real PFS party would be. Typically, you’d have at least two people on laptops or their phones the entire time.

: As I recall the pony guy and the nameless asshole were big into Hearthstone and were playing that the entire time.

: What will we do while they’re out?

: That’s the beauty of playing online. I’m going to alt-tab back into Dispatch.

: What’s that?

: You don’t know? Imagine a game full of the most pathetic adult men you’ve ever seen. It’s a superhero visual novel.

: We’re sneaking out to the temple as soon as it gets dark.

: The temple is easy enough to find given that it’s the largest structure in town. All the houses you pass by on the way have thick orange curtains covering the windows, and you don’t see anyone in the street.

: Can we take a look inside without being spotted?

: Once you get closer, you can hear someone giving a sermon. You also notice that the temple has a really strong smell to it. No one has noticed you yet.

: I can’t sneak with this armor on. I think it’s up to Mara.

: I rolled a 9 on stealth.

: You get closer and can see inside. The building is arranged like an amphitheater, with a bunch of benches surrounding a very old, very large tree.

: The inside has a very strong smell, and you can see the priestess dumping oil on the tree’s roots. You can tell that the oil is the source of the scent.

: They’re not performing any sacrifices?

: Not as far as you can see. The priestess is blessing people and pouring oil on them.

: I’m going to let you in on a little secret. The temple is completely pointless.

: The entire reason it exists, and I am not making this up, is to be a Guardians of the Galaxy reference.

: Then what’s the point? I’m getting out of here.

: There’s really nothing going on in there?

: Nothing at all. They’re worshiping a tree and dumping oil all over. I think they’re just morons. There’s no vampire here.

: Let’s go back to the house before someone comes to check on us, or the temple empties out.

: Roll a perception check.

: Shit.

: I got a 27.

: I don’t want to talk about what I rolled.

: Astra can see what looks like a small child sneaking around in the street, except they’re covered in vines and their neck looks broken.

: What knowledge check to identify it? Should I just burn it?

: Arcana.

: Rolled a 5, so that’s a 20.

: You identify it as not a person, but a soulbound doll. It looks just like the ones you found in the cave, and it has definitely spotted you.

: It walks up to you and hands you a scroll. The scroll is a spell called Enter Image that allows you to shift your consciousness to anything that looks like you.

: Then it looks at you and says “I am Nira. I do not know you. You are not from Mercy. You find Mercy. You find murder.”

: Where did you come from?

: The doll walks over to you and tugs on your clothes. She pretty clearly wants to be picked up.

: I’ll pick her up, even if it looks a little strange.

: The doll points in a direction, but doesn’t say anything.

: I ask it if it wants to go back to the house with us. We can do this tomorrow.

: The doll doesn’t seem to have a problem with that. If it’s okay with everyone, I’m going to just skip you to the next morning.

: This isn’t very historically accurate.

: It isn’t?

: We never had a central dispatch station back in the 60s. The insurance companies would’ve had a coronary over all the property damage from villain attacks.

: We’re back. Did the sheriff show up?

: If he did, we were both too busy watching this.

: We found a creepy doll. If it looks at you funny, feel free to destroy it.

: Morning comes. All of your spells and abilities are fully recharged.

: There was nothing in the temple? Let’s go check out Amenira’s house.

: As soon as you mention that name, the doll perks up and tries to get you to pick her up.

: She really put her soul in a doll? That’s the Hell equivalent of being free experience.

: Let’s pick her up and have her guide us like she was trying to do last night.

: The doll guides you to a house that stands out because it’s the only one painted orange.

: Can we get in the house without the neighbors noticing?

: The door is unlocked, so that should be easy enough. There’s a lot of stuff in there I’m not going to bother going over because it’s part of a pointless side plot.

: Thank fuck.

: This scenario has an entire side plot centering on trying to discover the town’s secret. It is very dumb and has no bearing on anything.

: In fact, the scenario never really ties the main plot of “Solve the murder” with the side plot in a way that’s digestible to the players.

: The side plot revolves around buttering up the villagers, which involves discovering the “unwritten rules of Mercy” that include things like “no wearing blue”.

: I’m going to make this work in a way that makes more sense, but just understand that in an actual game where half the players are desperately trying to escape their wives for a few hours and the other half are on their phones the whole time or severely sleep deprived (me), no one would figure this shit out.

: So, what’s in the house?

: You see a bunch of workbenches and woodworking equipment used for making the dolls. There are a few unfinished ones still sitting around which look identical to the one following you around.

: You find her spellbook on a desk, which has a bunch of spells you could theoretically rip out and turn into scrolls.

: Hold on a second there. Let me see that.

: Never mind, most of these spells I already know, and the rest are trash.

: There’s also a scroll of Make Whole for some reason. I guess if you need to heal the doll. Oh, and a bottle of polish that you can rub on your armor to kill any plants you walk through.

: That’s oddly specific.

: I’m taking that and dumping it on the sheriff’s garden.

: As soon as you grab it, you can hear screaming coming from outside.

: I’ll rush outside, because that’s what a hero does. I assume everyone’s going to follow?

: We should grab our weapons.

: The scenario never actually maps the town, so I’ll rule you can stop by the carriage house on the way to where the screams are coming from.

: The carriage house is open, and you can see the weapon locker in plain sight. It’s closed and locked.

: I think between the eidolon and myself we can break the door off it.

: The scenario doesn’t give a break DC or object stats for the locker, or even tell me what the locker is made of so I could approximate it. Roll a strength check.

: 24.

: You break the door clean off the hinges. Your weapons are inside. The screams outside are getting louder, and they’re punctuated by a loud wailing noise. You also notice the doll has walked off somewhere.

: By the time you get outside, you see a giant manta ray flying overhead and three distinct swarms of tiny bats.

: They’re dumping a cloaker on us? After how badly that one jobbed in Baldur’s Gate?

: Roll initiative.

: This fight is particularly dumb because the scenario writer nerfed the enemies to hell from their usual stats. Let me show you.

: This is the bat swarm from the scenario. Swarms take 1.5x damage from area of effect spells, but are immune to weapon damage.

: Mara could kill these by breathing on them. Now let’s look at the stats from the Bestiary, which the scenario cites.

: Gee, that sure is a lot less HP. These would still be in oneshot range, but Mara would need to use a fireball as opposed to something like burning hands.

: I’m going to skip the rolls and show you exactly how this played out when I did it.

: I’m up first. Glitterdust on the cloaker, and yes I’ll blow an arcane pool point for +2 DC to boost it to 20.

: Yep, it fails. The cloaker is now blind. It loses its dexterity bonus to its AC, loses 2 AC on top of that, has to make a check to move at more than half speed, and has a 50% chance to miss you on top of taking a -4 penalty to hit.

: My eidolon stabs it.

: Natural 19, and I rolled a 25 to confirm a critical. Does that confirm?

: Confirmed.

: 32 damage.

: The cloaker goes and desperately tries to run away… only it can’t see where it’s going and has to roll an acrobatics check.

: It crashes to the ground and is prone. This thing is dead no matter what. Roll perception.

: 33.

: You see a couple with their child, who ran out of their house after the bats poured in through the windows. The kid is a little girl and her skin is sprouting leaves and flowers. They quickly dart back inside.

: …Is that the “mystery” of the town? That their kids are fucked up mutants?

: Yep. The scenario never really tells how you’re meant to figure it out.

: When I played it, we never figured this whole part out. The cloaker died in one hit, and the GM quit at that point.

: The problem is that the scenario writer didn’t account for that. What’s meant to happen.. kind of makes no sense. The cloaker is supposed to fly away.

: Now, you might think “Oh, the players are supposed to make the connection that the cave is the cloaker’s lair” and you’d be right.. only you’re not.

: No, it’s supposed to fly to a completely unrelated cave that has the plot token the players need to finish the scenario, and they’re supposed to follow it.

: Judging by that look on your face, we just broke the scenario.

: We could always go back and not kill it, or do what Baldur’s Gate did with Raphael on that run where you killed him.

: You know what, that’d be too dignified for this. Instead, the gun you picked up earlier starts talking. It is a magic talking gun. The magic talking gun tells you to go to a cave you’ve never seen before that’s five miles outside of town.

: Can I use the magic talking gun to shoot the sheriff?

: Yes. His head explodes like an overripe pumpkin.

: This whole thing is pretty ridiculous. Where would we even go, assuming the cloaker survived?

: So that’s the best part. You go to a random cave, fight what’s left of the cloaker, and then get into an encounter that would be a threat except it isn’t.

: Let’s run it anyway. You go through this cave where the cloaker would be, and then walk into a closet where it stored Amenira’s dead body. No points for guessing what killed her.

: Bad writing? A lack of editing?

: You know what, let’s go with that. Then you come into the final room of the cave, where there’s a giant talking seed.

: You somehow know the seed is what’s causing the mutations and also what makes the agriculture work in the middle of the desert. Will you take it?

: Yeah. Fuck these idiots.

: It summons three giant shambling mounds of fungus because this is The Last of Us now.

: The three Gluts are the fungus mounds, and the zombie is a fungus zombie. Roll initiative.

: 11.

: 7.

: 5, and my eidolon got a 21.

: 20.

: As for the Gluts, the one closest to you got a 10, the one in the middle has a 16, and the one in the back got a 7. Callie, your eidolon is up first.

: He’ll take a five-foot step and stab at the middle one.

: Five-foot steps are about 90% of the movement in Pathfinder. You can do them without using a move action, and they don’t provoke attacks of opportunity.

: I forgot to mention, the floors are all difficult terrain. I assume you put the anti-plant oil on. It covers two people. Who got it?

: My eidolon and The Shape, I would think.

: No problems with that.

: They’re both melee, so it makes sense.

: Does a 20 hit?

: It sure does.

: It takes 15 damage.

: It’s injured, but still alive. Shape?

: I’ll move forward and attack.. and I rolled a 1. That’s not going to work.

: Next up is the middle Glut, which fires a puff of spores at.. Astra. Does a 15 hit your touch AC? Not your full AC.

: Touch AC is a concept that only exists in 3.5E and earlier. It bypasses most forms of armor and is effectively a roll against 10 + your dexterity modifier.

: It does.

: Roll a will save.

: I rolled a 30! There’s no way it works, right?

: You successfully ignore its mind control. And now, it’s time to end the fight. Mara?

: FIREBALL. 5 foot radius, 11d6, you know the drill by now.

: Front one rolled a 20, middle one rolled a 17, back one rolled a 20. They take half damage.

: The middle one dies, the other two are on their last legs. Oh, and the zombie. The zombie’s dead.

: Now the front Glut goes. Same deal, it’s aiming a spore spray at Mara.. but it rolls a total of 9. That’s not going to hit anyone.

: Astra, you’re up.

: I cast Searing Light on the one in the front.

: If a 20 hit it, I’m sure an 18 will hit its touch AC. It takes 10 damage.

: It’s dead. At this point, combat is effectively over and you’ve won the scenario. Now let’s talk briefly about why winning these scenarios is bullshit.

: Actually, wait. Everybody roll a fortitude save.

: I rolled a 2. Does an 8 beat it?

: Unfortunately, no. You find your skin sprouting bright tropical flowers. It technically does stat damage, but that heals itself between scenarios so it’s not important.

: So it doesn’t matter at all? Why would they even put it in?

: Because getting it gives you an extra thing at the end. I’m not going to bother tracking it.

: Okay, NOW let’s talk about why these scenarios are bullshit.

: PFS has a system known as “Prestige Points”, which limits how much gold you can spend in a single transaction.

: There are two possible prestige points per scenario. The first is always given, the second is for doing optional objectives that there’s no way you could know exist.

: Technically, the party succeeds this time unless Mara fireballs the talking seed: they need to meet three conditions on that second list and they have.

: There are some scenarios, however, where the second point is BULLSHIT. I ran one once at a con where the players had to do something the scenario never even mentions.

: This is a marked improvement on the old way they handled this, which was that each character has a faction and the objectives were based on what faction you are (meaning it was possible to get impossible objectives) and you had to fuck your friends over to accomplish them.

: Finally, the chronicle sheet. This details what rewards you get. The top part is what we call “boons”, which usually open up new options.

: This one in particular is bullshit. PFS had this rule that you need physical copies (or signed PDFs that their website generated) for anything you want to use in game.

: This boon lets you pick the doll as a familiar (which is kind of fucked up, more on that in a minute).. if you have Bestiary 2. Bestiary 2 is a monster splatbook for GMs that used to cost $30 and is of zero use to players.

: Now, I will raise my hand and say that all of my books were completely legitimate and I would never think of pirating them at all. No sir. Not me.

: You can also buy shit off the chronicle sheet. Wizards can attempt to scribe spells into their spellbook for free, which is huge.

: Buying consumables was for the weak, which is why Dipshit McOracle did it all the time.

: I’ll close with why the familiar boon is kinda fucked up. Let me show you a picture of what the doll looks like.

: You can draw your own conclusions. Anyway, that’s it for this piece of shit. I’m not sure what I’ll do next.

: Wait a minute. What happens if you do the other stuff the note at the beginning mentions? Investigating the blacksmiths and the miller’s house?

: The first one is a complete waste of time. The second one.. you have a chance to see one of the mutant kids, but it’s pointless otherwise. That’s how you get the “ointment” to give to the venture captain.

: I could have spent all this time playing Dispatch.

: If it helps, the reason this scenario sucks is that it was rushed out for GenCon, a big gaming convention in Indiana that happens in August. GenCon is where Paizo launched each PFS season, and I think this one was rushed to be playable at GenCon.

[Timrod]

: The second scenario I want to LP is #7-02: Six Seconds to Midnight. Have you ever thought about what would happen if you played that one teleporter maze in Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne, except everything was run by a human instead of a computer?

: What’s that? You haven’t, because that’d be unplayable? Well, the writer for this one sure did.

: Signups end in two weeks. As usual, you can sign up and use Mara, Astra, Shape, or Callie’s sheets, or I can help you make your own.

[Timrod]

Summary

: I remember a lot about when I ran this scenario. It’s 2016, and it was the last game I (or probably anyone else) ever played at the store.

: The store in question was called Friendly Fire, and was located in Mansfield near the University of Connecticut. It was (probably) doomed to failure because it wasn’t even big enough inside for a proper card game tournament.

: Most of these stores make their money on card games, and not having enough space for that is a death sentence.

: Unlike the last scenario, this one is for levels 3 to 7. This means I’ll need to level everyone up twice. I’m also going to partially respec Mara since his build kind of caps out at this point.

: For this one, you’re starting out in a smithy in.. I believe it’s Fantasy Ireland.

The incessant beat of hammer against anvils and weaponry greets entrants into Smine’s Weaponworks, a smithy of great repute in the town of Tymon in the River Kingdoms, along with an oppressive wave of heat and the acrid smell of coal. A broad-shouldered dwarf, face and arms smudged with soot from the furnaces, smiles broadly, proclaiming in a voice harsh with years of yelling: “Ah! I was expecting you lot! Step inside my office. I have refreshments.”

He steps inside a cozy office, gesturing at several chairs, ranging from an overstuffed chaise to a sparse and undecorated rocking chair. After rinsing his face off in a nearby basin of water, he pours out several glasses of water, immediately quaffing one for himself before refilling it and sitting down to his desk.

: Did he just offer us water from a barrel he’s been washing himself in?

: That’s a power move. “Here, bitch, have this water I’ve been dunking my balls in.” I should kill him.

: They have a picture of him in the book and he’s the most obvious alcoholic to ever exist. He looks like a dwarven version of the detective from Dagger of Amon Ra.

: “Venture-Captain Holgarin Smine, at your service. Guessing the Lodge got my message. You don’t look too fresh-faced for this mission.”

: “I’ll be quick about it. You’ve got a bit of travel ahead of you. One of the mayors of Uringen, Lady Aurelia Ogden, wants the Society’s help - with an experiment she’s been doing. The clock tower of Uringen has drawn all sorts of researchers.”

: “It hasn’t worked quite right from the get-go. It makes a whole piece of the town disappear. Four clock faces, each with a different way of counting time. All displaying a different time - until now. The mayor thinks those faces might finally join up.”

: “What’s going to happen once it does is anybody’s guess. She doesn’t have the staff she needs to record it properly - so that’s what you’ll be doing.”

: “You hear about the mishap with [PLOT DEVICE NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT]? The clock makes magic time juice that can fix it. The boat will get you there in a little over two weeks, and the clocks align in three weeks.”

: This scenario was supposed to tie into the meta-plot, which came in the form of these special scenarios that in practice only ever got run once at Gencon each year.

: I was there and do not remember what the meta-plot was. I think it was time travel. I have the scenario, I could look it up, but I won’t.

: I’m not going to post all of the questions like I did last time - just two.

What’s Uringen like?

: “Split. I mean that literally. One half of the town disappears for a bit, and the other sticks around. Aurelia Ogden is the mayor of the half that disappears sometimes. Knavar Mieren is the mayor of the other half. They’re pretty isolated in Uringen. To get there, you’ve got to get guides to help you through the Embeth Forest.”

Can’t we just teleport there?

: “No, because the forest constantly moves around.”

: It’s the Lost Woods?

: How are they getting supplies if they’re in the middle of a constantly shifting forest miles from civilization?

: This next part is one I wound up dropping when I actually ran this because the people who designed this scenario made some bold assumptions about party composition.

: You take a boat down the river, and it drops you off near the edge of the forest. There’s a camp just outside, with a dock that’s currently occupied by a barge dropping off crates.

: Once you step off the boat, a pair of guys in woodland outfits take you to the camp’s leader.

: “Well met, travelers. Smine sent word of your arrival, expressing the urgency of your journey. Unfortunately, we will have to delay your departure.”

: “On our trip here, we ran afoul of that blasted grig’s traps, and we won’t be able to leave until we’ve fixed things up.”

: What’s a grig?

: They’re a kind of fairy. Think a drider except instead of a spider on the bottom, it’s a cricket. That’s strange though, they’re usually good-aligned.

: At this point, 80% of parties are going to run into a roadblock. The scenario expects the players to clear traps, but no one in this party is capable of making those rolls.

: He tells you that you can help by looking for traps and disabling them, or by healing their horses that the fairies poisoned. Mara can also make a knowledge nature check.

: 28. Rolled an 11.

: You know that there are friendly fairies who can be placated with offerings of milk, honey, bread, and booze.

: Can I leave out some coke? I feel like they’d like coke.

: They don’t. You’d think they would, but for some reason drugs don’t do anything for them. I’ve seen them devour hallucinogenic mushrooms and not feel a thing.

: Also drugs aren’t legal in PFS because Paizo are dumb.

: I’ll roll some heal checks for the poison.

: My lowest roll is a 19. Does that work?

: You bet it does. You cure all of their horses.

: None of us can search for traps, and I don’t think I could disarm them even if we found any.

: We can just adapt. Astra, I think you have the highest perception. Can you give me three rolls?

: Let’s see.. the first one’s a 30, the second is a 31, and the third is a 22.

: You’ve spotted all of the traps, so at least you won’t get hit by them.

: What kind of traps are we talking here?

: Two of them are dart traps, which are essentially blowguns linked to a tripwire. The third is a falling log trap, which is a partially sawed tree hooked to a tripwire.

: Why is there even a roll to clear those? You shoot the tripwire or just follow it to the blowgun and smash the blowgun.

: Because Disable Device is a badly implemented skill. The simplest traps have a disarm DC of 20, and Disable Device is only a skill for like three classes.

: It doesn’t really matter that you don’t clear the traps, since you get the reward anyway - the foresters give you each a trained riding dog that none of you can use.

: Puppy! I’m going to name mine Valorpaw and if anything happens to him I’ll kill everyone and then myself.

: I’ll name mine Jonathan and I’m going to spend the rest of the adventure petting him.

: I don’t need a dog. I feel like it’d just get in the way or get hurt.

: I already have an elephant, what do I need a dog for?

: You also get a bag full of reports for the mayors. Let me read the description of the next area, because there’s a puzzle here no one gets.

The town of Uringen is a flurry of activity. Puffs of multicolored smoke rise from tall stone chimneys that emerge from steeply pitched rooftops, and people dressed sharply in black and white shuffle about the town, preparing for the convergence. The divide between the two halves of the town is stark. A wide street, 20 feet across at its widest, separates the static and unstuck portions of the town. Boarded windows and prominent “closed” signs decorate the static half of town, whose residents speak in hushed tones. In the unstuck half of town, excitement and curiosity outweigh fear, and groups of people gather in the streets. Above it all, a four-sided clock tower look out upon the town, with an enormous clock face decorating each side at its pinnacle.

: You see two people arguing in the middle of the road. One is a man, the other is a woman. There’s a tiny blue man with wings flying around their heads. You can make a knowledge local check -

: 20. I rolled a 3.

: You know that they’re the mayors of the two halves of town, and the blue guy is a pixie who kind of looks like John Lennon, which is how you know 70% of the player base for PFS was retirees.

: The male mayor doesn’t seem to like you much, but the woman is your contact - Aurelia Ogden.

: I’ll walk up and hand the mayor those reports.

: “Excellent to see that my message was received. I’m glad to see you made it here on time for the experiment.”

: “Your role is very straightforward. I need you to observe the westward-facing clock, and record everything you see or hear. We don’t expect the tower to do anything until around 11:45. I’ve purchased you a room at the inn in the center of town, the Oaken Knot.”

: “Feel free to look around. The tower is open, so long as you don’t touch anything.”

: I’m going to say that it’s kind of mission-critical that you investigate the tower.

: The tower has a puzzle in it that is.. I’d say there’s no way you could understand it without investigating the tower. The problem is that investigating it takes time and checks.

: It is possible to fail this scenario entirely because you either didn’t roll well on the traps in the forest or because you don’t roll well on the investigation part.

: Let’s investigate the tower then.

: The tower is made of white stone, and you can tell just looking at it that they built it like the pyramids, where the stone is held in place by gravity.

: Astra, roll perception.

: I rolled a 3. That’s a 20.

: Unfortunately, you fail. The DC is 25. However, I’ll give it to you anyway because the puzzle is impossible without it.

: You notice that all of the stonework has shapes carved into it, and this entire thing is a clusterfuck to explain so I made a visual aid.

: Each floor has a different shape carved in the stones. The ceilings have the symbol from the floor above, and the floors have the symbol from the floor below.

: The writer intended for the GM to use dice to explain this, which is why each floor has a dice symbol on it.

: Who thought this was a good idea?

: Just as you ask that, the fairy shows up and starts talking about how much he loves geometry. Make a knowledge (arcana) check.

: 31.

: This part is real dumb, but you notice that there are magical sigils on everything that somehow can’t be seen with a perception check. This stops you from losing gold at the end of the scenario.

: It punishes you for not having someone who can make an arcana check? What’s the DC?

: 30.

: Is that the secondary success condition?

: Oh no, that’s MUCH dumber.

: Now that you’ve seen the clock tower, you can go back to the inn because if you stay in the clock tower the scenario breaks. It is very well-written.

: What are all those circles?

: This is the fun part. They’re portals. Technically this is supposed to wait until midnight or whatever, but I think it makes sense to at least let you learn the mechanics.

: Does anyone have something to throw? I’d have my eidolon go in, but he takes damage if he gets too far from me.

: I know! I’ll take a pebble and cast Light on it to make it glow orange, so it’s easy to find. I’ll toss it through this one.

: You throw it through the portal. It goes through, and then appears right next to you.

: Hmm. Let me walk through the same one, just to see if I end up in the same place.

: Make a will save.

: I knew it. 17.

: You end up in an empty sheep pen north of the fountain, and notice that you’re moving faster than normal.

: Told you, teleportation sucks.

: What if I go back through the portal I’m standing on?

: That’s another will save.

: It’s no good.

: You wind up down here, only now you’re moving slower.

: I get it. The blue portals send you to a random red one and slow you down. The red ones send you to a random blue one and speed you up.

: Where’s the inn on this map?

: I believe it’s meant to be the big building with the sheep pen next to it.

: Astra, go through a blue portal. I want to test something.

: I rolled a 28 on my will save.

: You can pick which portal you come out of. It has to be red.

: I’ll come out of the red one near the fountain.

: I’m going to ask around for a ladder so we can get on the roof of the inn.

: Sounds like a trip to the hospital waiting to happen.

: Think about it. There’s only one way onto the roof, and that’s through a blue portal. When we get into the inevitable fight, they’ll have to go that way to get up there.

: And they’ll be slowed if they try it.

: You find a ladder fairly easily. Where are you going to attach it to?

: The back side, but I’m going to pull it up once everyone’s up there.

: The real game didn’t quite go like this. When I GMed it, the party barely made it past the traps in the forest because no one could disarm them.

: They got to the town late, didn’t have time to investigate the clock tower (I had to work that in between the fights there) and didn’t understand the puzzle - which is no surprise.

: I’m doing it this way in the LP because all the people who played PFS were obsessed with breaking it and I know this is what they would’ve done if they had the chance.

: So the funny thing is, the scenario doesn’t tell you how this combat is supposed to start. I think the idea is that the enemies were hiding the whole time, but for sake of argument I’m going to say they teleport in.

: You’re watching the clock tower, which is glowing and emitting sparks as it draws closer to midnight. Can you show me on the map where each of you is sitting?

: The four little bug-looking things are gremlins. The koroks are something else, and you can also see two tiny dragons around the fountain that look like they have depression.

: We’re going to gloss over this one mostly because it takes forever. I simulated the combat out until near the end and it was over ten pages long.

: Let me give you a couple of excerpts.

: Okay Shape, the bug thing fires two arrows at you. Does a 23 hit you?

: Yes.

: I don’t think a 19 does, so you take.. 1 damage.

: What’s it firing, toothpicks? I’ll fire two arrows right back at it.

: It dies.

: And let that be a lesson on proper archery techniques.

: And this one, when the depression dragons finally attack.

: Okay, uh.. it.. fuck, I can’t find a single angle it can hit you without your eidolon getting an attack of opportunity or Mara being able to fireball them both to death.

: It breathes depression at you. Make a will save.

: 19 for me, 23 for my eidolon.

: The breath does nothing.

: The gimmick to this fight is that the enemies can freely warp using the portals unless they roll a 1 on their save.

: Shortly afterward, Callie’s eidolon gets a crit on one dragon and Mara blinds the other with glitterdust.

: You find three potions of cure light wounds, two wands of scorching ray the depression dragons never got to use, and a scroll of dispel magic.

: Those wands are useless. I can’t hit with scorching ray because it needs dexterity, and the one person who could hit with it can’t use wands.

: This is the one thing 5E has over 3.5E for casters. In 3.5E, spells like Scorching Ray are useless because the roll to hit with them is based on dexterity.

: If this worked like 5E, Mara would use his intelligence modifier instead.

: All of you reach the clock tower. You notice that there’s a window open on the second floor, which is about 20 feet off the ground. The front doors are closed.

: I’ll open the front door.

: It’s been physically warped so that it won’t open. Anyone who wants to can make a strength check, otherwise you’ll need to either climb to the open window or make a DC 30 disable device check to open a window.

: Hoo boy, this part. I had to skip this when I GMed it because the party had no hope of making it inside. Let me tell you what the DCs are: the climb check is a DC 20 and the strength check is a DC 23.

: From the sign-in sheet, the party was a 5th level Hunter (a dex-based ranged class), a 4th-level Wizard (who can’t use Fly), a 3rd level Oracle (this was Dipshit McOracle’s character), and a 4th-level Bard.

: The casters couldn’t make the climb check, and the hunter couldn’t make the strength check even with buffs and people assisting him.

: In a big city PFS group, the GM would probably shuffle people around to make a more balanced party, but by the time I ran this we were struggling to fill one table a week.

: I got a 21 on the strength check.

: You don’t make it. The target number’s a 23.

: I’d need to roll an 18 to make that, and I’m supposed to be a strength character!

: My eidolon can assist. That adds 2, so he’s at a 23.

: As soon as you enter, you’re attacked by a uh.. magic burlap sack.. that starts spitting alchemical crap at you. It’s large and barely moving.

: This might be the one thing I can actually hit. I’m going to dual-wield the wands and fire two sets of scorching rays at it. Yes, I know you take a -10 or some shit to the second hit. No, I do not care.

: 13 on the first hit, 18 on the second.

: Both of those hit even with the absurd off-hand penalty and the fact that you can’t dual-wield wands. It takes 58 damage.

: I’ll follow up by running up to it and hitting it in the face and.. that’s a natural 20!

: I’m not even going to bother having you roll to confirm that because this thing’s armor class is lower than your total bonus to hit.

: 48 damage.

: It’s dead. Inside it are a bunch of longswords and clubs, four upgraded alchemist fires that do 1d6 instead of 1d4 damage, four acid flasks that do 1d6 instead of 1d4, an elixir that gives you a +10 to acrobatics and one that gives you one use of dragon breath.

: The animated bag is almost laughably non-threatening: it has an armor class of 13 at the high tier, has a -2 to initiative, and has a whopping +3 to hit on its four ranged attacks.

: Once you kill the bag, the pixie from earlier comes out and hands you a piece of paper.

: What the fuck does any of that mean?

: You find the words “alternate” and “progress in an orderly fashion” on the back.

: Oh, and the clock tower now has portals all over it. So here’s what I’d like to propose to the readers: can YOU solve this puzzle?

: For reference, the players aren’t supposed to be able to see the “S” marks, but since you obviously can’t spend hours figuring out which ones are the special portals, I’ll just show them.

: I’ll also explain that if you end up on the gears (say, by taking the blue portal on the 2nd floor) you need to make a DC 18 acrobatics check or take 3d6 fall damage, plus another d6 per floor if you fall from anywhere higher than the 2nd floor.

: I vote we burn the place down for the insurance money.

: Isn’t it made of stone?

: That’s never stopped me before.

: Hmm.. there’s no portal going up from the fourth floor. That would tell me that whatever we’re supposed to do, it has to end there.

: By the way, you get four attempts at the puzzle until the game fails you. What I find funny is that the puzzle is so obtuse that the scenario has to tell the GM how to solve it.

: There’s no blue portal on the first floor, so if we were going to alternate, we’d have to take the red portal on the first floor to start.

: What if we took the red portal on the first floor, took the blue portal on the second floor, and then walked up the stairs to the second floor and took the red portal?

: That would mean jumping on the gears. I don’t think Mara and I can make that.

: What if we sent your eidolon? Can’t he fly?

: He can, but I need to stay within 100 feet of him. I can’t imagine there’s a 100-foot drop between floors.. so as long as he doesn’t fall from the top we should be fine.

: Let’s draw this out. I’ll stand here, and my eidolon will fly into the red portal.

: Once he comes out, he steps back into the blue portal and goes down to the first floor. He walks back up the stairs to the second floor, and goes into the red portal this time.

: And then we do the same thing on the third floor, except I’ll move my character so that she’s not out of range. Is that the idea?

: That has to be it, right? We’re alternating and doing a two steps forward, one step back pattern.

: That’s not it, even though it meets all the criteria. What you’re supposed to do..

: It’s the hash marks on the sheet.

: It makes no sense, but the only other way it could work is if you started on the second floor, jumped into the blue portal, and then jumped into the red portal on the first floor.

: Then you climb to the third floor, take the blue portal, and then take the red portal on the second floor.

: How did you figure that out?

: Easily. I thought to myself “If I was a smug prick puzzle designer, what would I do?” and once I knew your answer was wrong, there’s only one other way it could work.

: It makes no sense that they wouldn’t accept both solutions. You’re repeating numbers either way.

: At the real table, the players had no fucking clue how to solve it so I just gave it to them. There is a hint system, but it’s of dubious quality. The clues are:

1. “One portal of each color on each floor changes floors, except on the first and fourth floors. The writing on the back says ‘Alternate’ and ‘Progress’ in Sylvan.”

: We already knew that!

2. “Alternating must mean we need to switch off between red and blue portals.”

: Did they think we don’t know what the word “alternate” means?

3. “Progress probably means we have to go through the floor switching portals in some order, but I’m not sure which order. The symbols by the arrows and inside each floor on the diagram show which portals go to which floors.”

: We did that, though!

: Finally, if the players don’t get it and the game is going to go over 4 hours, it gives you this hint but also takes away the extra gold and items from impressing the stupid fairy.

4. “I’m beginning to think we need to ascend in order based on the number of vertical lines, starting by taking the blue portal on the second floor. But there’s no time; the portals are fading. Come on, I know you can do this!”

: But that doesn’t make sense! You wind up repeating floors, not doing them in order!

: The rest of this scenario is pure combat, so I’m going to skip all of it. The second prestige point comes from killing a group of gremlins on the third floor in under 4 turns.

: The remaining fights are a dryad who can potentially be negotiated with, and another group of evil fairies virtually identical to the first fight in the town.

: Negotiating with the dryad gets you a useless item, and going through a portal gets anyone who did so (which I think was everyone) the ability to cast Haste or Slow once.

: I’m buying so much alchemical pet shampoo for Valorpaw.

: I don’t know if I’m going to do another one of these, but if I do, I’ll probably do The Waking Rune. It’s one of the most notorious high-level scenarios in PFS.