Welcome back! I’m glad to see that you all gave the riddles a shot, and we have a collection of answers here. Let’s try them out!
All correct! If you use the word “and” in puzzle 1, the name doesn’t quite fit. It doesn’t matter though, as Doc Webster told Jodie, spelling doesn’t count. You managed to puzzle these out, but let’s just go over exactly what the solutions were here.
1. Cross; Be; Stills; Gnash; And; Young
2. Fleet; Wood; Mac (That one’s… pretty straightforward)
3. Soup; Oar; Tramp
4. Arrows; Myth
5. Grate; Full; Dead (Again straightforward)
6. Row; Lynx; Tones (Much less straightforward, but we got it)
7. Led; Zip; Helen (of Troy, specifically)
8. Right; Chess; Broth; Hearse (Odd that “broth” was a hint earlier and an answer here, with a different connector)
9. Part; Rich, Female; E (And there’s the hint Eddie gave us. Thanks Eddie!)
10. Thud; Ores
Some of these are less reasonable than others, but overall they’re pretty alright. For now though, let’s claim our prize!
Astounding! One hundred per cent!
I’m impressed!
And you did it without any help, right?
Mike, give this man back his tab, and he drinks free tonight, on me.
Coming right up.
I hereby pronounce Riddle Night at an end. Jake, you want this left where you can display your genius and bask in the adulation of your devoted fans?
Naah.
Doc wheels the blackboard into the back room and everyone goes back to partying. The adulation of your devoted fans sure didn’t last long.
And now we have some cash! Also, a lot of people have rearranged themselves in the bar. In fact, everyone is now talking to who they should be based on our conversations with them last time. The game likely didn’t plan on us exploring the bar before solving the riddles, but I wanted to show everyone off. Anyways, keen-eyed readers may have noticed our inventory here. We actually already had something there! Let’s look at what we got!
Sweet, just over 20 bucks to spend on whatever we need! And it won’t be booze, because Doc is covering us tonight!
our trusty wallet. We can actually open it too, and there’s some things inside.
This is the inventory. Our wallet is now open, so the items inside it are displayed as well. The taps on either side of the inventory will let us scroll through when we have too many items to show at once. Now, what are these?
Poor Jake… Like I said, after he lost these two, Jake was a mess, and Callahan’s is all that saved him. This photo is really all he has left of them, so we’d better keep it safe.
Our license! We do drive, so this is important too. Let’s close up the wallet to keep these safe, and take a look at what’s in front of us now.
Ah, Mickey and Squish! We talked to them a bit, but now we can find out some more about Squish. We ask about his race just like before, but now we have another option besides his tongue and his arms.
Why are you visiting Earth?
Squish’s eyes begin to dribble tears freely, and small orange blots break out on his “nose” and “cheeks.”
Tlllch chhkptllr tsczzh.
I believe you’ve embarrassed him.
Maybe they need women.
I… Jake, what? Why is that your first guess?
Good luck.
Squish wipes his eyes with the back of a claw.
If I explain…will you help?
Yes
Are you…prepared to help me?
Does he have to decide right this moment?
No. I will be here for…an indefinite period of time. You may … inform me of when you are … prepared to hear me out and help me.
Alright, let’s freeze frame for a second! We get the choice of telling Squish we’re ready or telling him to wait a few. You see, the Callahan’s books were anthologies, collections of various short stories. The game functions the same way. We have five stories to do, of which three are available to us right off the bat. Once we tell our quest-giver we’re ready, we’re set on that path, and can’t turn back until we finish it. I’ll be saying yes to all of them in this update, then rewinding time through the power of saves to show you all three options we have. With that, let’s hear what Squish has to say.
Nope, let’s go for it now. Anything else I need to do here can wait 'til I get back.
Squish’s eyes begin to flow freely again, this time probably out of gratitude. Whatever this guy’s been sitting on, it’s been burning a hole in his heart
I’ve already told him about the option, so he knows the routine.
Sure enough, sniffling and fidgeting, Squish ambles over to the chalk mark.
Looks like Squish has something to share with the entire bar, not just us. Must be pretty important.
A hem.
Everyone shuts up. Some of them even recognize Squish’s attempt to clear his throat.
To…self-determination.
He throws his glass into the fireplace.
To self-determination. 
I wonder what could lead to a toast like that…
Do I reveal now?
You don’t have to say a word if you don’t want to.
I very much want to.
I come from a … planet… that your scientific community has not yet discovered. We have been keeping it a …secret from your race for…tens of millions of your Earth weekends.
We have been observing the progression of your technology. You are now showing early signs of movement within space.
The Zchlttrsch Ktszzzhtl are alarmed that your…maturation is not…commensurate with your technological ability. Your technology is used for the subjugation and destruction of your own kind.
It has not been our desire to impede your exploration of all that is beyond your planet. But we have attempted to…lessen the…aggression that remains within you.
Within the orbit of your planet, we have…situated an…unoccupied satellite. The satellite emits a…pulse…targeted…
He directs a look of confusion at Mickey Fiinn.
Czzzhtlrch skpzzrl?
Squish isn’t too familiar with the language yet. The satellite he’s talking about emits a pulse tuned to the molecular frequency of the hormone testosterone. Somehow the pulse makes the hormone dissipate, though he himself isn’t sure whether the testosterone undergoes a shift that renders it inert, or lessens its effect, or if it is actually leached in some fashion from the human body.
You and Noah exchange a glance. This would explain the recent downturn in bombings and terrorist activity.
Okay, I’m no medical expert. I’m already a pacifist, and as much as I wish it didn’t, my body has way more testosterone than is probably necessary, so I don’t think there’s this direct of a link as they’re making it out to be. Either way, in this universe, clearly this is a direct cause and effect.
Maybe dat’s why I been a little off.
Even Eddie’s feeling it, I guess.
It certainly explains why I’ve been a little less teste.
Ovary funny. You couldn’t even make a hormone with that one.
Seriously you two, punning at a time like this?
Why are you telling us about this, Squish?
At least someone has their priorities right.
Wouldn’t be the first time we’ve had illegal aliens seeking asylum here.
He does mean actual extraterrestrial aliens. I don’t even thing this one’s him punning, I think he just means the actual aliens they’ve had before.
I cannot refuse the will of the Zchlttrsch Ktszzzhtl. I…however…do retain the ability to speak out against the action taken against your planet. To my mind, subjugating a planet in the name of peace…results in a false peace.
If you’re looking for absolution, you’re going to need to help is find a way to destroy that satellite. You know that, don’t you?
I am here as its…onsite installation technician. The…interconnection of my mind with that of the Zchlttrsch Ktszzhtl prevents me from…overt…interference.
Squish digs into a pocket and extracts something that looks vaguely like a keychain. He flings it to the bar, sliding it several feet away from him.
Whoops. Now I have lost the key to my…shuttle.
Squish, what would happen if somebody, somebody other than the Pff…Pff…than one of your people took your shuttle, could they destroy the satellite with it?
Good idea Mike! We have a ship, let’s just blast the thing, thus proving we’re non-violent enough to be trusted! Wait…
No. The shuttle offensive systems will not…fire upon…friendly hardware. But..theoretically, if one were to dismantle the correct emitter circuitry and…render it inoperable, the Zchlttrsch Ktszzzhtl might not be able to detect this. But if I were to find out about it, I could not help but report it.
Well, I think I’ll go outside, get some air.
You immediately walk over towards the bar. Squish pretends to notice some dirt under his claw as you quietly fold your fingers around the keychain and slip your hand into your pocket.
If he doesn’t see where his keys went, he has nobody to report. Looks like we’re going for it!
Think I’ll go with you.
Maybe I’d be a better choice.
Oh…I figure I’ve got more personal stake in this than you do.
Looks like Noah will be tagging along with us! This thing has been the cause of the downturn in work for him recently, so he wants to check it out himself.
Squish, about that shuttle of yours. Let’s say someone WERE to steal it, heaven forbid. How would they operate something so foreign.
We are just talking theoretically, correct?
Naturally.
There would be nothing to be afraid of, even for a human…pilot. The shuttle’s capabilities are minimal. The controls are…obvious, although it may require some experimentation to understand their functions. The circuitry will not allow you to cause damage to yourself, nor take you beyond orbit.
Hey!
Let’s be careful out there.
I’m not entirely sure what the interjection was for. I guess just calling out Squish insulting humans a little there, but Mike isn’t a human, so… I don’t know. Anyways, we’re in control again now! We have Squish’s keys, which I’ll show you once we actually go down this route. To progress, we just head outside and use them to call his shuttle, and we’re off. Now, let’s rewind a bit, before we agreed to help Squish. Let’s see who else needs help.
That’s right, Josie! She was talking to Doc about… what was it again?
Hi, Jake.
You’re talking about beans.
Right, beans! …beans?
It’s my opinion that chocolate – you know chocolate, right? Theobroma Cacao, which translates to “Food of the Gods”?
Hey, no proselytizing!
Yes, I am familiar with chocolate.
Doc, on the other hand, seems to feel that coffee…
Oh, well, when you sai it that way…I think that coffee – at least, the way Mike makes a God’s Blessing – is easily superior to chocolate. More complex. More sophisticated. Less reliant on sweeteners and vanilla, and other additives. And lecithin, an emulsifier.
Coffee is so pedestrian. And chocolate has a lot less caffeine. What do you think, Jake?
1. I refuse to get involved.
2. They’re both really, really terrific flavors, okay? Sheesh/
3. If I tell you which one I really prefer, one of you is going to be pissed.
…These are all basically the same, Jake. Unfortunately the first two just make Josie and Doc sass us, then boot us from the conversation. We have to beat them to the punch and tell them we know they’re going to be mad.
That doesn’t matter. Just speak your mind.
Yeah, just be honest. Don’t worry about losing one of us as a friend over something as trivial as this.
Yeah! You’ve got plenty of friends! You can afford to lose at least one.
Right.
I know they’re just pulling our leg here, but come on you two. This is really just small beans, you know?
Well, I guess I prefer chocolate…on a more sensuous level.
That’s not me choosing, Jake honestly prefers chocolate, apparently.
SEE??
This is anecdotal evidence, it doesn’t prove anything.
If he had said he liked the coffee better, you wouldn’t think so.
Oh, of course I would.
How did this all come up?
Josie reaches into her pocket and unfolds a small brochure, which she then hands to you.
This is from my time, Jake.
Remember, Josie is a member of the Time Police. She’s from far in the future.
You skim the brochure. It’s an ad for a brand of chocolate you’ve never heard of. It also outlines the process by which chocolate is manufactured, from bean to bar.
Yeah?
Here, look at this paragraph.
She snatches back the brochure and points to a particular paragraph, which she shoves in your face.
“The world’s greatest chocolate is believed to have been grown in one small area in the Brazilian rainforest. Unfortunately, this discovery was made too late to save the grove of trees (later designated “Theobroma Cacao Ultimisaurum”), and exists only in a couple of pods too damaged to be viable.”
“The loss of these trees to the chocolate world can never be estimated, as they were destroyed by the Faxon-Casteroga Pencil Company during its clear-cutting operations in Boa Vista.”
The world’s greatest chocolate… Well if it was lost in the future, let’s go get some now!
It goes on to reveal when the grove was believed to have been destroyed.
When’s that?
Tomorrow.
…Oh. That’ll make things harder.
This tomorrow? You mean, tomorrow tomorrow?
That’d be the one. I think we should head right over to Faxon-Casteroga headquarters in Manhattan and stop them.
It’s nighttime.
Doesn’t have to be,
Whaddaya say, Jake? Wanna come along? You’re a folk singer. You know how to raise your voice in protest against the pig-dogs of the fascist military-industrial complex.
Interesting words from a cop.
You with me, or not?
Sure, why not? Maybe we’ll go down in history.
All right.
It’s a wild goose chase, I tell ya.
You ready to start, or do you want to stick around for a bit?
This is our point of no return, if we didn’t have a save waiting for us. This one’s a lot shorter than Squish’s speech after the decision.
Ready when you are, JB.
Great! Say your goodbyes, if you want, and let’s get out of here.
And that’s it. We can leave the bar to head out with Josie to Manhattan, and hopefully save the world’s greatest chocolate. Let’s rewind once more, and talk to the last person currently in the bar with a problem for us.
Mike Callahan himself! He’s come out from behind the bar, so let’s see what’s up. He mentioned it a little when we last talked, actually. We open with some of the same stuff as before, but let’s see what else he says
Well, let’s see. Josie’s all in snit over something, you could see what that’s all about. We’ve got the two drop-ins, they could probably use some chatting up. Or you could go see what’s keeping Pyotr.
So, again, the drop-ins he means are Squish, who we already saw what was up with, and the dirty, scruffy guy at the end of the bar, who still has nothing to say. Mike is still ignoring the third newcomer, the Biker who we spouted exposition at for a while. That guy also has nothing important for us, and we already talked to Josie, so let’s see about Pyotr!
You want me to go see if Pyotr’s home?
You know, he’s been down lately.
How can you tell?
Yeah, he’s cynical, but this is worse than that. I wonder…
What?
Well, okay…figure it this way. The guy is…what, 80 years old? A hundred? Two hundred? And he’s alone. He’s always alone.
Doesn’t seem to bother him. He never says anything about it.
Up until a couple weeks ago, I would’ve agreed with you. Now, I’m not so sure.
Tell you what. You want to do me a huge favor, great, go get him, bring him back here. But only when you’re ready. Don’t say yes 'til you’re sure you’re ready to take off.
Already at the decision for this quest! We’ll get some more info about what to do once we say yes.
Mike, I’m at your disposal. Tell me what you want me to do, and I’m there.
Great. Now, you know where Pyotr lives, right? Couple of miles down the 'pike?
Sure.
Good. Hop in your truck and head over there. If Pyotr’s there, see if you can get him to come back to the bar. If he won’t come, see if you can find out why…but don’t pry, y’know?
Of course Mike, we wouldn’t think of it.
Eddie’s got me well-trained.
Now if he’s NOT there, this is bad. See if you can find any clue as to where he might be.
Why are you so worried about him?
He told me something in confidence that I don’t want to have to share with you unless there’s no way around it. 'Nuff said?
Yeah, I’m on my way.
Jake…
I’ll be back in a flash.
Hope so.
And that’s our third option, go find Pyotr and see what’s got him so down. We just have to hop in our truck outside, and head down to his house. We’ll rewind once more, just so we can make whatever choice we decide.
and that’s our next step: this is a choice! We can do these missions in any order, so I leave it to you, readers, to decide! Shall we…
1. Take Noah with us to the satellite to disable it and restore the Earth’s testosterone?
2. Go with Jodie to Manhattan to try and save the only trees bearing the world’s greatest chocolate?
3. Head off on our own to find Pyotr, learn what’s wrong, and hopefully get our designated driver back to Callahan’s?
Vote for which path we should take, I’ll close the voting 48 hours from this post, and return with the first step on that quest within a day or two of that!