I left a whole big dang bunch of comments on your doc. Sorry, it was late and I had nothing better to do. Overall it was interesting, but I tried to offer as much advice as possible.
One thing I wanted to go into a little more detail about here, since I think it’d help some other people:
Specific and general language. General language is trying to describe a situation, a bit like what you’d see in a synopsis. This is good for conveying information quickly, but it’s external to any particular viewpoint. If general language is a synopsis, specific language is a snapshot. “The tiny elephants wound in a procession through the streets” is general, but “The tiny elephants wove around a pair of red stilettos, then slipped underneath the tables of the sidewalk cafe” is specific.
Being specific is important because that’s the sort of thing that allows the reader to build a scene in their mind. With specifics, your scenes have more impact because they feel more real, like a memory as opposed to an abstract concept. It’s a good thing I keep in mind and look for when I edit my writing.