Down, Down, Down By the River: Let's Play Baldur's Gate 3

[Timrod]

Summary

: I realized after I did the last update that I never showed the dialog for either Sarevok or Orin, so let’s do that and I can talk about why I hate it.

: Let’s assume you haven’t played BG1 or BG2. I hadn’t played either before I played this one.

: “You gaze upon Murder’s progeny, child.”

: I think they ran the voiceover through a thing to artificially deepen it. The VA also tends to take dramatic pauses every other line, which is annoying.

Echo of Amelyssan: “His most ill-trusted zealots.”

Echo of Sendai: “HIS FAITHFUL DEPARTED.”

Echo of Illasera: “Prodigal servants, each returned to do his bidding.”

: These characters are all references to villains from BG1. Again, you’re not going to know any of this shit unless you played BG1.

: Let me tell you what this is. You know how they made that shitty Silent Hill movie - I’m talking about the 2006 one - and they made Pyramid Head a selling point even though that makes no sense?

: That’s what this is.

Narrator: “This man is known to all Baldurians, and his presence sparks dread in the pit of your stomach. Before you is Sarevok Anchev - a Bhaalist who almost brought Baldur’s Gate to ruin a century ago.”

: “This is the court of the Dread Lord’s tribunal. I am its custodian. Here come those who seek to transcend. Aspirants of his most profane order - the would-be Unholy Assassins of Bhaal.”

1. Sarevok Anchev. How are you still alive?
2. Are you the reason there are so many murders in the city?
3. I want to become an Unholy Assassin. What must I do?
4. What exactly is an Unholy Assassin?
5. I have no business with Bhaal. I’ll leave.
6. Attack.

: “How are you even still alive? Last time I checked, you’re human. Not a half-elf, not an elf, not a dwarf.”

: “A long while ago, my wretched sibling brought me back. The fairest of Bhaalspawn, soul-bound me to this husk.”

: I’m not sure if it was BG1 or BG2, but in one of those games, the main character learns that they’re a “bhaalspawn”, which are apparently people fathered by Bhaal who aren’t demigods for some reason.

: Sarevok is also a bhaalspawn.

: “Worship death though I do, I refused it. I roamed the Coast, gathering those who still held Bhaal in their black hearts. The cult survived, festering beneath the city, with me as the Gate’s everlasting poison.”

: “But no more. For poison is too slow a death. Now is the time for slaughter. With these killings, the glory of the Bhaalists has risen beyond what we dreamed possible during those dark days.”

: “The worship of my Lord is led by another now - my granddaughter, Orin. The youngest Unholy Assassin ever to follow in Bhaal’s bloody trail. And his Chosen.”

1. What does Orin have to do with the murders in the city?
2. Orin is your granddaughter?
3. How does it feel to be surpassed by your own child?
4. I’m looking for Orin. Where can I find her?

: “Orin is your granddaughter?”

: “My very blood, and by extension, His. Bhaal has never had a more gifted prodigy. Orin’s gift surpassed even her mother’s. Her mother knew this, and she could not bear it.”

: “When Orin was but seven years old, she tried to smother the child as an offering to our Lord. I heard the screams, ran to help, afeared for the child’s life. But the cries were not Orin’s.”

: “It was her mother’s blood that soaked the sheets. Orin had cut off the very hand that tried to end her, and made a plaything of it. And as she toyed with her dead mother’s hand, a deep quiver rose up through her throat - the Lord of Murder speaking through the child.”

: “Lay not a finger on this child, he said. Not let any other, for this child will serve me with unholy ardor. Protect her, in my name.”

1. That’s horrible. No child should have to go through that.
2. Did you know that your daughter was planning to kill Orin?
3. Your granddaughter killed your daughter? Your family sounds deeply disturbed.
4. I can see why Bhaal chose Orin.
5. You should have killed Orin for what she did.
6. I didn’t come here to become embroiled in your family drama - I came here to be baptized by Bhaal.

: This kind of shit doesn’t work because Orin is a cardboard cutout. She is a 90s Saturday morning cartoon villain. Every other word is either “kill” or “blood”.

: Now, here’s what I’d like you to think about. Imagine that whoever the creative director was decided to cut this whole thing. No Sarevok, no murder tribunal, you just hunt down Orin and kill her. What would have changed about the overall plot?

: The answer is nothing. They could have cut this entire thing, put Sarevok’s severed head in Orin’s room, and that would’ve had the same effect.

: “Did you know that your daughter was planning to kill Orin?”

: “I knew of my daughter’s ambitions, but not the lengths to which she’d go. She hungered for Bhaal’s favor more than anyone I’d ever known. But her daughter, Orin, hungered even more.”

: “My Lord made his choice - I abided by his words. But Orin is not the subject of our judgement here today. You wish to become an Unholy Assassin of Bhaal. So, approach and be judged.”

1. I am ready to be judged.
2. I approach and take your head, monster.

: The first option only works if you have a charisma character. Otherwise, you might as well get the treasure chests and/or globe of invulnerability out and ambush him.

: “Let us begin. Spirit of the slaughtered, return to us. Show us the truth of this murderer’s intent, and let us judge him for his bloody service.”

: “You took this spirit’s life, and thus, its voice. So, speak for it. How was this pitiable creature slain?”

1. The deed is done - the details don’t matter.
2. In combat. Honorably.
3. [DECEPTION] First, I ended its sorry existence. Then, I cut the hand from its corpse.
4. [DECEPTION] Slowly and painfully. I savored every scream.
5. [DECEPTION] With a smile on my face and pleasure in my heart.
6. I didn’t kill this person. But I will kill you.

: Welcome to the Edgy Spitoon. How edgy are ya?

: I walked into a Hot Topic once in 2009 and almost bought a band t-shirt.

: I had a Goth phase from about.. oh, 450 AD to around 500 AD? Lots of gold, jewels, trying to conquer Europe, that whole thing. Stopped being fun when they got rolled by Christianity.

: They tried it again with the Visigoths but it just didn’t work.

: I killed a couple of those artificial vore monsters that survived my great grandmother’s reign. They weren’t ever really alive though.

: I got in a fight with Turok in the 1960s. Not the 90s college kid, I mean Grandpa Turok from the 50s.

: Who won?

: When you fistfight Grandpa Turok over a bad ref call, no one wins.

: If you make the check, you can fight Sarevok 4v1 by attacking him while he walks into the next room. The ghosts won’t intervene.

: I just felt like the box thing was better.

: Now let’s do Orin’s dialog from if you’re dumb enough to just walk down there.

: Can we kill her yet?

: “Hush hush. I hear footsteps trip-trapping on the Murder Lord’s stones. It refused the Murder Lord’s command, and comes crawling into his sanctum with the tyrant unpulped.”

: There’s different dialog if you haven’t killed Sarevok, and if you’ve killed Gortash before killing Orin. Am I going to bother? No.

: “I know what you did. Spilled my grandfather’s crimson.. he was mine. He showed me how to slice and slit. He guides my dagger still.”

: “Did it think it could protect? Did it think it could save? Only the blades can offer salvation.”

: “Listen, I already played Coffin of Andy and Leyley, so can we hurry this up?”

1. [DECEPTION] Gortash is dead. I left him rotting on the roof of his fortress.
2. [INTIMIDATION] Anything you do to her, I will inflict on you a hundredfold.
3. [PERSUASION] You said Bhaal wanted us to fight. He will reject this offering.
4. Her fate is of no interest to me.

: Succeeding at any of the checks (which I believe are all DC 20) saves the hostage.. or you could just use the box method.

: “You do not smell of his corpse-rot. But yes - I feel it. He is grave meat now.”

: Why is she not on fire yet?

: “Your blood will clot the gutters of this place, your flesh will rot on the slab. A worthy offering at last. All the lordling’s pretty plans, bleeding out in the gutters. And soon your crimson will join his.”

: Orin has about three times the writing she actually needs. She’s the absolute weakest kind of “I did it because I’m crazy” villain.

: “I will finish what my grandfather started. Sarevok brought this city to its knees, but I will be the one to slit its throat. I am Bhaal’s Chosen.”

1. You will fail as Sarevok did. As all Bhaalspawn are destined to fail.
2. You’re just continuing the family business? How original.
3. What part do the stones play in this ‘plan’ of yours?
4. Baldur’s Gate deserves such a fate. Your vision is exquisite.
5. Attack.

: There’s another option here if you snuck into Orin’s room before fighting her where you can point out she’s an incest baby, which immediately starts the fight and gives her another fanfiction buff.

: It also feels like the writers desperately wanted to have the Baldur’s Gate 1 twist here where your character is also one of Bhaal’s kids, but they constrained that to being the Dark Urge.

: That’s what the Dark Urge’s story is - you get here after all these unexplained cutscenes where your character does stupid shit, and the twist is that you’re Orin’s sibling.

: At this point, the fight starts and your characters are now in a bad position. This fight SUCKS if you haven’t pre-killed the cultists, especially if you have summons out.

: The thing is, even without the cultists, this fight would be pretty difficult. Orin can kill anyone in the party in one turn, which I feel like most people at an actual table would balk at.

: Then again, I feel like if this game was what the voice directors clearly thought it was - an actual play podcast - it would’ve been cancelled after four episodes because no one would want to sit through this shit at an actual table.

: In the next update, we’ll get the pre-reqs for Gortash done. At that time, the LP is going on a break until Salty Vanilla is done with that picture. In the meantime, I’ll be LPing a better game.