Down, Down, Down By the River: Let's Play Baldur's Gate 3

[Timrod]

Summary

: Well, that sure was one hell of a last three weeks. I wasn’t sure if the site was coming back or not.

: You’re telling me. I got dragged back to the hotel, and you can guess who my only client at the host club was.

: You.. run a host club?

: Princess’s idea. It’s perfectly.. chaste… ugh. It’s definitely a step down from being the King of Buddhist Hell.

: The Shape spent two weeks on a fishing trip… in spaaaace! Turns out, there aren’t a lot of fish in space.

: I updated my wardrobe and found a place that makes hats for people with tall ears and horns at the same time. Oh, right!

: Welcome back to Baldur’s Gate 3! Today, we’re going to clear out the goblin camp. But before we do, let’s learn a little more about our actual mission.

: “I’m told the druids have stopped their damn chanting. What happened?”

: That depends on whether this is the timeline where we exploded Kagha or not.

1. Kagha’s agreed to stop the ritual.
2. I want to discuss something else.
3. Leave.

: “Kagha’s agreed to stop the ritual. We had a big, dramatic scene about her being a Shadow Druid and then three rats beat me up.”

: “Truly? Ilmater’s ashes, I never thought she would actually see reason. Thank you - we still have the goblins to contend with, but you’ve given us time to prepare.”

: Wait, what? We killed every single goblin in the abandoned village down the road. I’m pretty sure that was all of them.. oh wait, there was the barn.

: “I need to ensure my people make the most of it. But here - left over from my soldiering days. It’s sparse thanks for what you’ve done for us - and I’m afraid I have more yet to ask.”

1. Let me guess - you want something.
2. Tell me what you need.
3. Whatever it is, I’m not interested.

: “Tell me what you need.”

: “You’ve bought us time here. But the goblins are still massing out there. We’d need an army of our own to escort us safely to Baldur’s Gate, and while I don’t doubt your abilities.. you’re no army.”

: Who needs an army? They’re cannon fodder for us at this point.

: “There may be a way, though. Goblins are ill-disciplined - it’s unlike them to organize so cleverly. Somebody must be leading them, bringing discipline to their ranks.”

: “Take out that leadership, and they’ll scatter. It’s no small thing to ask, but.. I’ve seen you fight. You’re equal to the task.”

: When I played this the first time, I just kinda walked into the goblin camp and started killing without even really knowing what the goal was.

: The gloves go on Shadowheart, and might be useful if we ever cast a spell. So far, we haven’t. I’m pretty sure we could get through the entire first half of Act 1 without resting.

: On the way out, I decide to try and steal the idol. This is where we’re going to need..

: Thanks to a series of patches, stealing the idol is a lot harder than it used to be. You used to have a number of options: you could be invisible, or cast Fog Cloud or Darkness on the idol platform.

: You could move the idol without actually taking it and bring it out of the grove. You could even just hit the “go back to camp” button fast enough after stealing it.

: Unfortunately, none of those methods work anymore. The druids will spot you immediately if you so much as touch it.

: The idol even breaks invisibility, just as a little added fuck you. Ordinarily, this would make it borderline impossible to steal.

: The reason it’s only borderline impossible is because there’s still a loophole big enough to fit Girimehkala through: Mage Hand.

: The druids will question you touching the idol, but won’t question a semi-invisible hand moving it to the elevator.

: By Silvanus! The idol! It’s moving on its own! I need to go contemplate some moss, or whatever the fuck it is druids do.

: All we have to do is move it far enough away, and the druids won’t suspect a thing.

: We deliver the idol to Mol and then promptly steal it back. The idol gives you proficiency in nature and handle animal checks if you’re near it.

: For our efforts, we get a Ring of Protection which gives +1 to all saves and +1 to armor class. It is a very good item, especially for casters.

: On the way to the goblin camp, I remember that we’ve had a secret stash marked on the map ever since we ran into that Harper cache in like, update 2.

: Getting there involves climbing up a cliff near where we ran into the idiots outside the owlbear cave. It’s sort of halfway between them and the grove.

: All that climbing for a single explosive barrel?

: The skeleton near the fire has a vendor trash necklace that lets you cast Guidance if for some reason no one else in the party can.

: “Necklace matches the sigil in that cave. The Harpers were busy.”

: But no, that’s not why we came up here. I mean, the explosive barrel is why, but also this scene which is admittedly kinda funny if you’re a bard.

Narrator: At the back of the crevice lies a bag, enfolded in the chitinous squabbling of spiders. A shiny gold coin pokes from its mouth.

: There’s a rock behind the campfire you can spot with a perception check.

: I still hate spiders.

: With the idol, we can easily make the nature check to study it further.

Narrator: The creatures clutch the pouch possessively. You have no doubt: a spider egg is nestled within.

1. [BARD] Soothe the spiders with a calming lullaby.
2. [SLEIGHT OF HAND] Dart your hand in, hoping to snatch the bag.
3. Leave.

: We’re going to sing a lullaby.. to the spiders.

: A magic lullaby. You wouldn’t understand until you see an entire concert hall fall asleep at once because one of the singers doesn’t know they’re superpowered.

: There’s an arachne pop singer over on the mainland. I’ve been meaning to convince her to come to Hellgondo and do a show.

Narrator: Your voice draws their attention. They are suspicious, then cautious, and finally at peace. One by one, the spiders retreat to the rear of the crevice, lulled by your murmurs.

: “I knew those classes in druidology were good for something.”

: The bag has a spider egg sac in it, which we can use to summon a bunch of giant spiders. The spiders are.. kinda bad at everything. They’re good for being a distraction.

: You may also notice Pollux is dual-wielding hand crossbows now. Dammon restocked and had a +1 hand crossbow, so I traded some crap for it.

: The goblin camp’s main entrance is down the west road from the abandoned town. There is a sort-of stealth route into it which I’ll show off.

: One of the side paths has a buried chest that contains an entire pig.

: How.. how does that make any sense? How could any of that meat possibly still be okay to eat?

: Oh! Salt ham!

: I’m not even going to ask.

: That must be what they’re doing. They’re salting it and leaving it underground to protect it from the elements.

: What are you, some kind of carnivorous squirrel? The goblins probably buried it there because they’re idiots.

: Sazza is waiting for us on the other side of the bridge.

: “C’mon, I’ll tell the guards what’s wot.”

: There are a handful of goblins and two wargs here. Unlike the village, you do NOT get the experience for killing them if Sazza helps you.

: They’re really just a speed bump at this point. The only way they’d be a real challenge is if you came here without going to the grove or doing anything else.

“Well! Look what the rat dragged in.”

:“Can it! I know something Ragzlin will want to hear.”

: (Ragzlin.. that must be one of their leaders.)

: “Yeah? What’s that?”

: “I been in some druids’ grove. This one sprang me. Now move over, so I can tell Ragzlin myself!”

: “Hold on. Where are the raiders?”

: “Dead. Every last one.”

: “Ragzlin’s drow friend won’t be happy to hear that.”

: (And there’s a drow. That would explain a lot.)

: “She’ll be happy enough when I tell her where them looters is holin’ up. Let me through.”

: “Hold on, now. Is it true, what Saz says? You helped her escape that grove?”

1. Yes - I don’t believe in keeping prisoners.
2. Just hoping she’ll prove useful.
3. Shrug and say nothing.
4. [BARD] It was a daring escape. Slew thirteen druids bare-handed, Sazza and I.

: “It was a daring escape. Sazza and I exploded the druid leader.”

: (We’re not going to keep any prisoners because they’re all going to die.)

: “Err… yeah, that’s right!”

: “Hah! A ranga and Sazza killing druids? Pull the other one.”

: “That’s enough outta you. C’mon! Gotta let the drow know where them looters is. We’ll be heroes!”

: If you don’t have Sazza with you, the situation doesn’t change much. You can do the usual persuasion/intimidate/deception check to get by, or you can tadpole them.

: But why would you do that when they’re just so.. killable? I mean, they’re practically asking for death the way their little outpost is set up.

: These goblins aren’t worth their own tactics segment, but here’s the fatal flaw in their defenses. You know, just in case.

: Rule number 1 of sniper nests: don’t build a ladder to the nest that the sniper can’t see. Rule number 2 of sniper nests: don’t have your sniper in a spot you can’t see.

: The nest gives you a perfect vantage point to shoot the rest of the goblins, and the wargs can’t climb up the ladder.

: This area also introduces us to the goblin camp’s gimmick: war drums. If these aren’t destroyed, one of the goblins will bang on them and call reinforcements.

: The reinforcements in this first area aren’t too bad, but later on it can potentially aggro the entire goblin camp.

: You know, maybe I should make some ground ham.

: If you feel like avoiding most of the combat altogether, you can use this side path which is filled with land mines.

: The trapped tunnel leads to the reinforcements, who are extremely easy to take out from stealth.

: Our reward is two wine casks and a chest of potions. More importantly, the reinforcements are guarding a path to the end of the first act of the game.

: If you have not taken care of Kagha (either by killing her, exposing her, or rescuing Halsin) the druid grove gets permanently cut off and all the tieflings die if you go in there.

: However, we’re going to go in (skipping a couple of cutscenes) so I can show off the second half of that Raphael glitch.

: “Hell’s fire. She’s coming.”

: Meet Mizora. She is Wyll’s patron, and the character I was waiting for before I talked about Descent to Avernus.

: In the original script for this game, Wyll was a failson who went to Hell along with his dad when Elturel got teleported, and that’s where he met Mizora.

: In the original script, they were a lot more comfortable together and it was implied they were fucking.

: “Wyll. You’ve been naughty. And you know what happens when you’re naughty.”

: Oh, hi Raphael. We’ll get around to killing you momentarily.

: “Gods damn it. Anyone but her.”

1. Just who in the Nine Hells are you?
2. Well, well. Aren’t you a luscious thing?
3. Godsdamned devil. Get out of my camp!

: “Godsdamned devil. Get out of my camp!”

: “Now? But I’m just getting comfy.”

: “Call me Mizora. I’m Wyll’s patron, the fount of his power. My pet’s been unruly..”

: “And his leash needs a yank.”

: Oh, so he’s into that, huh?

: This, by the way, is something that would never happen in the tabletop game. The game makes it pretty explicit that you’re never meant to actually meet a warlock patron.

: This is done specifically to stop bad DMs (the kind who do shit like destroying the wizard’s spellbook) from abusing it.

: Can we ditch him? He’s a liability.

: “We had a deal, Wyll. But Karlach’s still breathing.”

: “I’ve taken more pleasant shits than you, Mizora, and at least those can be buried after.”

: “That’s no kind of talk for a lady. By the way, Karlach - Zariel sends her regards.”

: “You told me devils only. She’s - a tiefling. Not a monster.”

: “How precious. The little pupster’s found his bark.”

: “Clause G, Section Nine: “Targets shall be limited to the infernal, the demonic, the heartless, and the soulless.” Karlach meets the criteria by virtue of having no heart.”

: If you’re nine sections deep into a soul contract, you’ve already fucked up. Not that I write those anymore.

: You don’t? I knew you had a heart somewhere.

: They’re too annoying to keep around. Think about it. I buy your soul, what’s the first thing you’re gonna do the next day?

: Try and find a way out, of course.

: Exactly. And before you know it, you can’t leave your palace without someone trying to kill you. Can’t stay in the palace either, since they’ll try to break in or burn it to the ground.

1. Get to the point, devil. What do you want?
2. If we kill Karlach now, will that get rid of you?
3. You better not lay a damned finger on Karlach.
4. Blast it all, Wyll. Why didn’t you tell me about her?
5. I’ve heard enough. You’re not leaving this place alive.

: “I’ve heard enough. We’re going to kill you, here and now.”

: “Kill me? I wouldn’t recommend it. I die, and Wyll turns to a lemure and gets sucked right down to the Hells. Which reminds me…”

Narrator: Wyll burns in the fires of Avernus; the lightning storms of Dis strike his flesh. His soul passes through each layer of the Hells, gaining their essence - and their torment."

: “That’s better.”

: “What the hells have you done?”

: “A promise broken, a price paid. You know the terms. Get used to the new form, pet - there’s no going back. Some magic, even I can’t undo.”

: “Now let’s see how the Frontiers fare without their precious Blade. Karlach, keep an eye on him, would you? I’ll be keeping mine on you.”

: “Oh - and Wyll? Don’t forget. Our pact still stands. Ta-ta!”

: Now that she’s out of the way, we can start..

: If you manage to attack the wannabe radio demon the first time he appears, he’ll show up in your camp once you go into the mountain pass for the first time.

: This is supposed to be unavoidable - go anywhere near him, and he’ll initiate dialogue. Unless, of course, he can’t. We can achieve this by putting down a silence field.

: This breaks the code that starts the cutscene, and lets you attack him freely.

: The controls in the camp are a little fucky, because the game doesn’t expect you to be in life-or-death combat in camp.

: What we want to do is send Astarion up this cliff and have him use sneak attacks. At 4th level with 19 dexterity, this has a 65% chance to hit.

: Silence fields last for 100 turns, or until concentration is broken. At 4th level, both Pollux and Shadowheart can use Silence twice.

: Here’s the final bit. Once you get this dumbass down to low double-digit HP, you’ll want to turn on non-lethal attacks and start hitting him with Karlach.

: The reason we need non-lethal is because he’s hard-coded to get back up if he’s killed and doesn’t give you a chance to loot him. He’s still worth 1400 EXP, which is close to half a level at this point.

: That’s as many as 70 owlbears, and that’s terrible.

: The reward is the best armor in the game. Wearing it gives you heavy armor proficiency, meaning that even Pollux or Gale could use it.

: ..Unfortunately, we’re not going to keep it. A side effect of this bug is that it leaves Raphael with 1 HP for the rest of the game. As you can probably guess, he’s a late-game boss.

: As we approach the main goblin camp, we run into a cutscene.

Disembodied Voice: Hear my voice. Obey my command.

Narrator: The voice is irresistible. You recognize the overwhelming authority that you’ve used on others, only infinitely stronger, and turned against you..

Narrator: Your vision clouds, leaving you in a dark, featureless shadowscape. Nothingness in every direction.

Narrator: Then, there are three figures before you. An armored male elf, exuding power and command. A handsome younger man with a quick, easy smile. And a pale young woman with even paler eyes..

: Now we know who our upcoming boss fights are. The one on the left is one of the few truly bad things about this game. It’s a spot where a lot of people drop the game.

Disembodied Voice: These are my Chosen. They speak for me. Aid them in their search for the Prism, and you will be worthy to stand beside them. In my presence.

: (The hell I will! I’ll see you dead.. all of you!)

Narrator: You feel energy pulsing from the artefact. Lifting the pain from you. Pushing the voice away.

Disembodied Voice: My power grows. My forces gather. The reckoning draws near…

: “Don’t give me that look. I don’t know what just happened any more than you do. We should keep going.”

1. You’ve got some explaining to do first - what is that thing you have?
2. The vision.. that voice - what was it?
3. That power.. is that what happens to others when we use the parasite on them?
4. Seems that trinket’s important. Keep it close.

: “That power.. is that what happens to others when we use the parasite on them?”

: “Perhaps, but whatever it was, I don’t want to experience it again.”

: “Hold on, that artefact seemed to stop the voice. What is it?”

: “I don’t know. Not exactly. All I know is it’s important I get it back to Baldur’s Gate. At any cost.”

1. Why Baldur’s Gate? What aren’t you telling me?
2. There must be more to it - I need you to level with me.
3. Leave.

: “There must be more to it. I need you to level with me.”

: “I.. I am a servant of Shar. My home is a secret cloister in Baldur’s Gate. I need to bring that artefact back there, no matter what.”

: This is why you have a convincing lie ready when someone asks if you’re evil.

: But she’s cute, so she can get away with it.

: “I can’t tell you any more. This mission required utmost secrecy - we all submitted to having our memories suppressed so that we couldn’t betray Shar’s confidence. If I reach my contact in the city, I’ll have my memories restored. Until then, I have to guard the artefact with my life.”

: “There - you have the truth, for what it’s worth. Let’s continue.”

: This, by the way, is one of the things 5E (specifically the 2024 revision) ruined. In the 2024 revision, Shadowheart could not be a cleric of Shar because religion no longer exists in 5E.

: The reason was ostensibly to give the player more freedom in character builds, but it’s still dumb and bad.

: “Heavens forbid. We’re all entitled to our secrets.”

: Pfft.. I forgot about that stupid hat of his.

: Mara’s alternate icons were done by Caius Nocturne on Bluesky, who has a website here.

1. You’ve been lying to me. How long were you going to keep this secret?
2. I didn’t agree to join up with a Shar worshipper.
3. Your faith is your own concern, not mine.
4. Well, thank you for sharing.

: The reason you’d abandon Shadowheart is because under 3.5E rules, there’s about a 75% chance she’s some flavor of evil aligned.

: “Well, thank you for sharing.”

: “No need to thank me. This is out of pure necessity - pure desperation, in fact.”

: “How exactly did you come into possession of that artefact?”

: “There’s nothing more I can tell you. All I remember is that I have to get back to my contact in the city.”

Narrator: A powerful artefact indeed, to have caught the attention of so many. Not least, the Absolute itself. The three figures in the vision - the Chosen - are searching for it. With the cultists’ aid, it will not be long before they find it, before they find you.

Narrator: You have evaded them so far. Thanks, it seems, to the artefact itself. But how long can such protection last? Shadowheart has made her position clear - she will see that it is taken to its destination. At any cost. And you still do not know what it even is.

: “Sounds like they’ve captured themselves a bard.”

: (Hopefully, they won’t capture two.)

: There are four ways to handle the goblin camp.

: The first is a big heroic full-frontal assault. They think they’ve got the numbers advantage, but the villains always think that until they get a fist in the face.

: The second is a more controlled slaughter where we pick them off one by one. They’ll be dead before they know it.

: Or we could.. I don’t know, have Pollux act like an overwhelmed elf instead of a killing machine?

: And finally, we can take the Black Alice route and side with the goblins.

: “With fragulous crown, and with sceptre abrade, Dror Ragzlin short work of the innkeeper made!”

Gribbo: Hur!

: “The inn burned to ash! the captives were many! Goblinkind had reduced them to cowering filfenny! So raiseth your goblets and drain them with pride! Dror Ragzlin, the True Soul, hath led you galide!”

1. Give him your rapt attention.
2. ‘Fragulous’? ‘Galide’? I don’t know this language.
3. Bravo!
4. Boo! Get off the stage!
5. [BARD] Grimace at the feeble rhymes.
6. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] Continue rhyming. ‘For a soul’s not been truer than the Ragzlin named Dror…’

: “For a soul’s not been truer than the Ragzlin named Dror…”

Gribbo: “Huh. That was good. Carry it on, pigeon.”

: "..And if you saw him kill manlings, you’d have to yell… ‘ahem’… ‘proooaaaar!’ "

1. ‘Manlings’? ‘Proar’? What tongue are you speaking?
2. Good show!
3. Is that really the best you can do?
4. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] ‘I heard Ragzlin casts shadows that are 20 leagues wide!’

: “I heard Ragzlin casts shadows that are 20 leagues wide!”

: “Um.. why.. err.. ‘He’s a meatier creature than any I’ve spied!’ Oh, balderdash…”

Gribbo: “Oi, stranger, you meddlin’ with my pigeon? He’s talking stupid now.”

: "Come - let’s continue our ballad! Ahem. ‘Dror Ragzlin, Dror Ragzlin, we, erm…’ I, erm.. ‘Dror Ragzlin, umtumptous, Dror Ragzlin… erm..’ "

Gribbo: “Bahh. You broke 'im! C’mon, pigeon. Back to your cage.”

: (Now look what you’ve done!)

: Talking to Volo causes the goblins to drag him back into the temple, and activates this goblin over here. This is free money provided you have illithid power available.

: “Well now - you look like a tough’un. But 'ave you got smarts? Skill? Guts?”

1. All that and more.
2. I can handle myself just fine.
3. If you have a point, why don’t you just get to it?

: “All that and more.”

: “And you’re gonna need it, mate. This ain’t your standard dungeon-dive, right. This… this is chicken-chasin’.”

: If we had rested after killing the owlbear, the owlbear cub would be here instead.

1. Chicken-chasing? What?
2. I have better things to do than chase poultry.

: “Chicken-chasing? What?”

: “Only the greatest game since eggs sprouted legs, mate.”

: “Gotta do it quick, and alone - any of your mates step in, you lose. Time runs out, you lose. Sound easy? It ain’t. Better contenders than you have been bested by the bird.”

1. Seems easy enough.
2. Sounds fun. Count me in.
3. This is cruel. I won’t be part of it.

: “Ohoho. Fancy yourself, do ya? Care to pin that claim down with some coin?”

1. Sure, I’ll place a bet. (30 GP)
2. Oh, come on. Let’s make a real wager. (300 GP)
3. I have no desire to gamble.

: “I’ll bet the farm on it. 300 gold.”

: The game splits Pollux off from the rest of the party, and the chicken gets thrown in once we touch the mark on the ground.

: You can chase the chicken, or you can talk to it.

: This gets us nearly two owlbears of experience.

: The goblin will refuse to pay up unless you use illithid power on her, or make a fairly difficult (DC 18) persuasion check.

: Before we start exterminating, there’s a trader near the entrance who has a couple of items we want.

: These gloves are a pretty critical item if you’re a monk, since monks have no ranged options otherwise. They’re still really good for Pollux.

: The only other decent item is this returning pike. There’s a slightly better armor for Pollux as well, which I wind up buying but later re-record off screen.

: The reason is that if you know you’re going to kill a merchant, you can do the first half of the shop glitch (putting all their items in a bag) and then when you kill them they’ll drop the bag with everything in it.

: There’s no real need to kill all the goblins outside, but if you want to, there’s two ways to do it. This booze tub is the first way, but is.. kinda glitchy to actually pull off.

: The goblins like to congregate around it, and if they see you touch it they’ll immediately initiate dialog and force you to make a deception check. Even if you make it, they’ll sit there staring at the booze tub for eternity.

: What we need to do is open the booze tub, which lets us add poison to it.

: As soon as we do, the goblins call for a toast.

: That looks like the punch bowl from all those college parties I went to, only worse.

Sharp-Eye Mirg: “Watcha standin 'ere all dry fer? C’mere, have a drink! What should we toast to, eh?”

1. It’s your party - celebrate it however you like.
2. I’m glad you asked. Tell everyone to gather round..
3. I’ll pass. Need a clear head for now.

: “I’m glad you asked. Tell everyone to gather round.”

Sharp-Eye Mirg: “Guys! This ‘un’s givin’ us a toast!”

Narrator: You raise your glass and shout..

1. To me!
2. To the Absolute!
3. To.. our health?
4. To drinking 'til we die!
5. May I bed each and every one of you before the sun sets!

: See? They’re horny little bastards.

: “To drinking 'til we die!”

Sharp-Eye Aggy: To findin’ those looters and crushin’ em!

Sharp-Eye Mirg: Go on, drink up!

: This is why you grab a drink before you poison the bowl.

: Or just don’t poison the drinks, you monster.

1. Down the beer.
2. [SLEIGHT OF HAND] Spill the beer, then pretend to drink from the empty cup.
3. [DECEPTION] After you! I shouldn’t drink before the host.
4. [BARD] [PERFORMANCE] Show off an elaborate bartending trick.

: (I KNEW those years of wandering the city and pub crawling for boyfriends would be useful someday.)

: "I call this one the ‘You’re all about to die and I’m going to laugh.’ "

: This kills half the goblins and sets the rest of them to half HP.

: From here, the goblins will accuse you of poisoning them, and you can either illithid your way out or persuade them. We’re not going to do this, because..

: We’re going to kill all of them without resorting to poison.

: To the right of the main area, there’s a side path with a goblin on a stage. This is where we’re going to set up.

: That’s because there’s a chokepoint between where most of the goblins are and this area.

: Just behind the stage, there’s a couple of goblin children bragging about their first kill, and a goblin wandering around with a hangover.

: The drunk can be pushed off the cliff or simply backstabbed. And don’t let anyone say we’ve created any orphans today, because…

: They can’t be orphans if they’re dead. Killing them isn’t optimal because there’s a guard who will see their bodies (but won’t see the drunk) and they’ll run off anyway once combat starts.

: There’s a ladder on the stage that goes up to a raised area, and I think you can see where we’re going with this.

: Toss a couple of these useless bulbs from the mind flayer ship into the two entrances. We need this to screw with the pathfinding.

: Now it’s time to climb up and start shooting. We’ll leave the ladder alone intentionally to discourage the melee goblins from throwing rocks.

: Killing the goblins on the stage doesn’t alert the main party area. It will, however, alert that patrolling bugbear.

: The bugbear has javelins, but by himself he’s a non-issue. Still no damage taken.

: A few of the goblins will occasionally patrol over here, and this is how we alert the other side of the wall without moving.

: That’s a lot of goblins, but most of them are 1st or 2nd level. If you really want to be safe, you could toss a couple wine barrels down and light the area in front of the stage on fire.

: Even though there’s a path around the acid, the goblins will walk through it anyway half the time.

: This guy right here is why we’re killing them this way. He’s 4th level and isn’t poisoned if you poison the beer.

: We’ve already broken his AI. The ogre will stand there in front of the acid pool and not move. Sometimes, he won’t even get that far.

: This is because the ogre’s pathing AI can see a path around the acid, but he can’t actually fit in the path because his collision box is too big. He also can’t climb.

: The rest is simple. Shoot the ranged goblins first. If you have lightning charges on Astarion, there’s a tiny puddle in front of the acid you can electrify.

: The goblins land one shot, and in exchange all of them die. Not bad when the only resources we spent were two useless acid grenades.

: The only loot of note (apart from a bunch of special arrows) is this ring, which boosts move speed by 3 meters. There’s another way to get it, but murder is the easier route.

: One of the ranged goblins has a poem we probably should read, though I got the puzzle it’s a hint to on my first run without ever having seen it.

A son of Selune fell here in the dark below, and we sealed his grave in her holy glow. May the full moon never touch the stars once more, may darkness never conquer the Moonmaiden’s door.

[A note is scrawled in the margins: "Found the door under the temple. Think the moons turn, but which way? A cluster of stars and lunar phases are sketched beneath.]

: The first area has something like five hidden chests in it. This one is down the ladder from where we killed the hungover goblin.

: If you keep going down the path from that last chest, there’s a hidden room behind a waterfall belonging to a goblin who is very horny for the Drow leader.

: This is one spot you can get poison to poison the beer from if you don’t have any for some reason.

: Right behind the sniper position we used to wipe the camp out is a heavily mined path to a chest.

: The reward is more vendor trash.

: After clearing out a couple of bugbears (who are normally sleeping but become aggressive if we aggro the rest of the camp) we can finally go inside.

: One option is to bash your way through this wall on the upper level, but we’re not going to bother doing that.

: Instead, we go down to the lower level and loot all the camp supplies and explosive barrels. We are approaching 1600 total camp supplies when it takes 40 to long rest.

: Normally, the door on the other side wouldn’t be open - it gets opened if you talk to Volo outside. What’s funny is that you can hear music coming from outside even though everyone outside is dead.

: Ordinarily, the guards will stop you and force you to negotiate, but we have Sazza with us. You can also simply Drow your way through this part.

: “Oi! Ain’t no party in 'ere-”

: “Shut it, Graw. Olak cleared us - got a visitor for the drow, I do.”

: “My arse. What’s a True Soul want with any mate o’ yours?”

: “Private business, that is. Raidin’ business. But if anyone wants a pisspot guarded, we’ll call.”

: “Just get your friend branded proper, right Sazza? Got better things to do th-”

: “No you don’t. Come on, then.”

: And now it’s killing time.

: You know, I’m not really sure how your method is any different from a full-frontal assault.

: That’s because with the door closed, this area is cut off from the inside, so long as no one bangs the war drum.

: This is the one spot where stealth actually goes right. Shadowheart shoots the war drum while everyone else is hiding.

: It’s here we run into stealth working. Astarion manages to take out all but two of the guards without ever entering combat by killing them in a single hit and successfully hiding afterward.

: (She’s branding that goblin.. if she insists on trying that with us, we’re going to need to fight a lot of them. Good thing we have a clear escape route.)

: “Now, here’s somebody special. The Absolute has touched you, hasn’t she?”

: “Priestess Gut needs to touch you, too - hold out your arm so I can mark your flesh.”

: We could kill Gut right here. In fact, I did that on a recording I didn’t save - I had Pollux use one spell and killed every goblin in the main part of the temple.

1. Why should I let you brand me?
2. I assume this mark has a purpose.
3. I’m not letting you burn me for life on a whim.
4. I’m here to spill your guts across the floor.

: “Shows our devotion to the Absolute. These maggots see how strong we are with Her guidance. Whole camp’ll be branded soon. An’ you should be, too.”

: “I think I’d rather not. Surely there must be some other way I could show my devotion..”

: “Maybe you don’t need it. After all, you’re special, ain’t you? Like me.”

Narrator: She probes your mind, tangling your thoughts with hers. A familiar sensation - she, too, carries a parasite.

Narrator: Darkness seems to swallow the temple, leaving you with a vision of the goblin priestess, receiving instruction from a handsome young man. One of the Chosen…

Narrator: The vision dissolves away. You stand before the goblin priestess in the temple once again.

1. Push deeper into her mind.
2. Sever the connection.

Narrator: Her faith floods into you - a tide of shuddering ecstasy. Her tadpole nestles within that mania, secure.. hidden.

: “I feel you in there, digging around. Works both ways. And I saw some weird shadows swimming around in your head just now.”

: “Maybe i can help with that. Us True Souls got to look out for one another.”

1. Do you think you can fix whatever’s causing these shadows?
2. There’s a creature inside my head. Can you help with that?
3. Any help would be appreciated. I need a healer.
4. Leave.

: (This is obviously a trap. She clearly thinks the tadpole is divine… but what if we could get her alone?)

: “Any help would be appreciated. I need a healer.”

: “You’ve come to the right place. With the Absolute’s will, I can fix anythin’. Let’s deal with this in my chapel. It’s private. Don’t want this lot interfering with True Soul business.”

: She leads the party into her room.

: And then refuses to deal with Pollux unless he’s alone. If we were to let her do her thing, she’d try to put Pollux to sleep and then initiate combat when she can’t.

: We initiate combat first instead and kill her. If Gut gets a turn and isn’t silenced, she will alert the entire goblin camp.

: Our reward is a bunch of items that only work if you have the brand, a single healing potion, and the key to Gut’s chamber.

: The real reward, however, is this.

: Look at all those explosive barrels. It’d sure be a shame if someone stole them all.

: Naturally, we steal all of them. They belong to a group of merchants standing outside, and the easiest way to access them is from a hole in the wall in Gut’s room.

: On the way back to Gut’s room, I have Karlach grab a couple of chest in the rafters. They’re nothing interesting, just vendor trash.

: This door, across the hall from Gut’s room, is our next destination. We’re not going in there, but rather to the open doorway next to it.

: This is where Sazza winds up - you can follow her right in here if you want.

: “Mistress, it’s me, yer loyal servant, Sazza. I’m back - an’ I brought a friend.”

: Meet Minthara. She’s the drow that Sazza kept talking about, and is an evil-aligned paladin.

: “How thoughtful. And where did you find this friend?”

: “They woz in some rickety druid grove! Mostly full of tieflin’s, but them intruders you’re after were hidin’ out there!”

: “I presume you dealt with my prey, and massacred the rest?”

: How is that any different from what we’ve been doing?

: We’ve dealt with the prey, that’s what’s different.

: “Ah… well, the thing about that is.. they sorta massacred us. But this mug helped me to escape. I say we stick a few holes in him.. show how grateful we are.”

: Let’s just hope she never thinks to open the front door, because she’s gonna be in for a bit of a shock.

Narrator: You feel a cold hand caress your mind as the drow approaches you.

: “Oh dear. Your prisoner is one of the Absolute’s favorites, Sazza. A True Soul.”

: “Nah.. can’t be… they woz in the grove, hangin’ around with the tieflin’s.”

: “Undercover, no doubt. Carrying out the Absolute’s will. Oh, Sazza - you have made a grave error. And it will be your last. My spiders are hungry, little one…”

: “…but before they feast, tell me where that grove is, and I may yet spare your life.”

: “It’s past the bridge to the east! Big ol’ gate, covered in ivy! Don’t hurt me, mistress. Please!”

: “I will not hurt you. My spiders will have that pleasure.”

: “No! I mucked up, I"m sorry! But I didn’t know who they woz.. they didn’t tell me nothin’!”

1. Keep quiet.
2. She’s telling the truth. She didn’t know.
3. I explained everything to her. She’s just too stupid to understand.

: “She’s telling the truth. She didn’t know.”

: “I told ya! I was tryin’ to follow orders best I could!”

: “Silence, wretch. And remember - you owe your miserable life to this one.”

: “I won’t cause any more trouble - I swears it.”

: “Through sheer luck, that pathetic worm has brought me the information I need. And it seems the inhabitants of the grove trust you - we can use that against them.”

: This is the opportunity to take the evil route and side with the goblins against the grove.

: “You have a part to play in this slaughter. Return to the grove. When my raiding party approaches, throw open the gate and signal me.”

Narrator: The fate of the grove’s inhabitants hangs in the balance. Killing the drow here would spare them, but it might be better to face her warband at the grove itself, on familiar ground. On the other hand, participating in the slaughter as she asks may be the perfect way to earn her trust, and access to the cult’s inner circle.

1. I want no part of this.
2. I’ll get it done.
3. You misunderstand. I’m here to slaughter you.

: We’d normally pick option 3, but there’s something we need to take care of first before we deal with Minthara.

: “I want no part of this.”

: “I do not intend to lead a suicidal charge. The goblins are expendable; I am not. The Absolute brought you here for a reason - to throw open those gates and crush our enemies.”

: You might notice Minthara’s neck tattoo, which signifies she’s part of a drow noble house.

1. All right. Expect me at the grove.
2. I have another matter to take care of first.
3. And I’m happy to do it - for a price.
4. The Absolute has nothing to do with it. I’m here to kill you.

: “I have another matter to take care of first.”

: (And by other matter, I mean killing all her guards off.. and that godsdamned magic eyeball.)

: For saving Sazza, we get 2.25 owlbears of experience and a magic dagger that does extra damage to sleeping or knocked out targets. It’s useless as anything but vendor trash.

: Minthara herself isn’t terribly difficult or well-defended.. except for this stupid eyeball.

: The eyeball can’t do anything. It doesn’t have an attack. Instead, it’s an annoying piece of shit that is immune to nearly everything and will alert the rest of the camp if not dealt with.

: The only things it’s not immune to are thunder damage, force damage, and being shoved into a bottomless pit.

: As long as you shove the eye in from the far side of the bridge, the only person who will notice is this lone goblin.

: As for Minthara herself, she’s by herself with one goblin guard who will go for that drum if he has the chance.

: Her strategy is to hold someone and then buff herself.

: She uses two maces, and if someone is held she can potentially instantly kill them.

: She’s still not too hard to to deal with, but someone’s probably going to take a big hit.

: This is where we perform a developer-intended bug. Minthara is a potential party member if you’re playing the evil route, but you can’t normally recruit her and save the grove.

: There have been bugs to recruit Minthara on a non-evil run since launch, which the developers actually expanded upon in Patch 5 (which made it so you could knock her out instead). Patch 6 fixed an actual bug that stopped you from knocking her out if the drum or eye went off.

: Her armor is one of the best early-game equipment pieces for rogues.

[Elegant pen-strokes trace out a map of the local area. The goblins’ den is indelibly marked in greenish ink; the word ‘Chionthar’ waves across the bottom, where the largest river flowed.

Three additional locations are annotated.

‘Caravan - GOBLINS’ is scrawled to the northwest of the camp.

‘Toll House - GNOLLS’ marks the far north territory.

‘FOREST - SUPPLIES’ hovers over an arrow pointing to the forest just to the camp’s east. Beneath, in small letters: ‘Between the laurel’.]

: The gnolls are a series of encounters near the toll house I’m saving for a bit. The reason is because they’re part of another glitch.

: Minthara has a chest with a worse version of Astarion’s boots. These electrify water on contact.. which you’re going to take damage from. These are vendor trash.

: Before we save Halsin, I have the party stop on the other side of the big entrance hall from where Gut’s room is.

: In the corner are two goblins torturing a captive. We’re going to kill them both, but I’ll show what happens if you don’t.

Torturer Spike: “C’mon. Scream. SCREAM OR BEG.”

: What the fuck is this goblin doing? He’s on a rack and you’re hitting him with a stick? Amateur hour shit.

: Looks like they skimped out on the materials, too.

Torturer Spike: “Come to see your friend, have ya? Come an’ join 'im, if ya like.”

: “Say we’ll take over. His work is sloppy; he’ll kill the prisoner too quickly.”

1. Why are you torturing him?
2. This looks interesting - let me put him through his paces.
3. Stop.
4. [PERFORMANCE] I’m taking over. Your sloppy handiwork is going to kill the prisoner too quickly.
5. Attack the goblins.
6. Leave.

: “I’m taking over. Your sloppy handiwork is going to kill the prisoner, assuming he doesn’t break out of the half–rotten planks you built this thing out of.”

Torturer Spike: “What, think you can do better? HA. Go on then, have at it.”

1. I don’t put on shows for amateurs. Leave.
2. Fine. Let me show you what real talent looks like.

: “I don’t put on shows for amateurs. Leave.”

Torturer Spike: “What, you shy or something? Fine! Muck it up and the drow’ll have your head. C’mon, Grush. There might still be a slurp o’ ale to be had.”

: (I’m surprised the drow still has a head after all of that.)

: This gives us the same EXP as if we had killed them, and they mention something about a “weird priest” next door. We’ll go see that in a moment.

: “P-please.. please l-let me out! Th-there’s no reason for this!”

1. How were you captured?
2. I’m looking for a druid, name of Halsin.
3. Relax. I’m not going to leave you here.
4. [SLEIGHT OF HAND] Pick the lock.
5. Leave.

: The torturer goblin has the key on him if you can’t pick the lock.

: Pollux doesn’t need keys.

: “Thank you. I..I’d better go, before they catch us. I sh-should be able to make it to the grove on my own. They need to know we’re in danger.”

: “Tell me: have you seen a druid called Halsin?”

: “Halsin? I.. I don’t know. He changed into a bear, but I.. lost sight of him. I don’t know if he’s s-still alive.”

: “What did the goblins want with you?”

: “Th-the grove. To the east. They wanted to know where we came from. They’ll k-kill everyone. Please.. I need to warn them.”

: Go right ahead. The goblins are all dead anyway.

: What?

: We killed all of the goblins outside. Every single one.

: Liam takes a hidden path out of the camp, and is now safe given that all the goblins outside are dead.

: We can find the goblins one doorway down, looking at a guy beating himself with a whip. Welcome to Gary Gygax’s BDSM cult.

: “Greetings, child. I’ve met few aside from goblins here.”

Narrator: You recognize the scourge. This man is a follower of Loviatar, goddess of pain.

: Oh, they’re talking about Louhi! I’ve never met her, but I’ve heard of her. She’s the queen of Finland Hell. She’s where lutefisk came from!

: I just googled what lutefisk is and wish I hadn’t.

: Finland has its own hell? I knew Finland was evil.

: I mean, technically it’s more of a Greek-style “land of the dead” deal, but yeah it’s Finland Hell.

: Loviatar dates back to 1E and is basically a BDSM cult. Gary Gygax stole the name from the queen of the Finnish underworld.

: “Ah, are you also here to assist with the prisoner?”

1. You mean the one they are torturing?
2. What do you mean?
3. I’m only passing through.

: “I’m only passing through, and I want no part of whatever you’re selling.”

: “Your tastes must turn to the exotic, if you would stop here by choice. I was invited to discuss pain and its intricacies, but even I find these goblins crude and, well - primitive.”

: “Pain without purpose is a terrible thing, wouldn’t you agree?”

1. It’s appalling.
2. Who invited you? A goblin?
3. Then why are you beating yourself?
4. I thought a follower of Loviatar would approve of pain.
5. Leave.

: “It’s appalling.”

: “Exactly. Pain is an intimate thing. It should be delivered with a loving and measured hand.”

: He’s getting off on this, isn’t he?

: Oh, definitely.

: “But trying to discuss such subtleties with these creatures is simply.. forgive me, but that look in your eyes - something terrible has happened to you.”

1. Clever man. How did you know?
2. That’s none of your concern.

: (This is the world’s most obvious cold read. I mean, we’re covered in goblin blood.)

: “Clever man. How did you know?”

: “Because I see those same eyes when I look in the mirror, dear one. We’ve all suffered in these dark times. It is little wonder you bear scars of pain and anguish. Please let me alleviate this pain.”

1. And how would you do that?
2. Why are you so interested?
3. I don’t need any ‘alleviating’, thanks.
4. Leave.

: It’s kind of out of character for Pollux to do this, so I’ll just show you Astarion’s reaction if he does.

: If you do go through with it, he hits you with his whip until you make three performance checks, at which point you get a really shitty buff.

: At 30% HP, Pollux can be oneshot by a lot of things and you lose the buff on death. Not worth it.

: Instead, we beat him within an inch of his life and steal all his stuff, which is pain wth purpose. The purpose is to steal all his shit and sell it because it sucks.

: His whip gives you resistance to necrotic damage and does 1d6 necrotic to everything near you, including you. It’s bad.

: Gribbo is next door with Volo in a cage. You can talk to her, but I just shoot her in the face.

: “Ha-HA! look at this - I’m quite saved! A joy to see a familiar face in such a… precarious setting. I guarantee the story of your daring rescue of my person will live on for aeons!”

1. Get yourself to safety - and quick.
2. You konw what else lives on for aeons? Gold. You owe me.
3. [BARD] Remember my name when you’re crediting the story’s author. It’s Pollux.

: “Remember my name when you’re crediting the story’s author. It’s Pollux.”

: “That will sound ridiculous. But, fine. If you insist. As much as it pains me to cede creative control… once I’ve written you into one of my books, there won’t be a tavern on Faerun you can enter without receiving a hero’s welcome.”

: “We mustn’t tarry, but I’d hate for our friendship to end here. Please - won’t you meet me, once we’ve both slipped the goblin yoke?”

1. A fine mess you landed yourself in. How did you get caught?
2. Slip the yoke? How do you intend to do that exactly?
3. I’m not looking for extra company right now. You go your way, I go mine.
4. Go to my camp. We’ll talk there, once we’re both safe.
5. Leave.

: “Go to my camp. We’ll talk there, once we’re both safe.”

: “Smashing! Soon, my friend - soon we can share a flagon of something liquid and a tale of derring-do! I’ll slip away when the coast is clear. See you soon, my friend! I simply can’t wait to pick your brain!”

: Volo drinks a potion and turns invisible, and Pollux gets an inspiration. Now that we’ve saved everyone, there’s two routes we can take: we can keep on playing Hitman, or we can go loud.

: There’s not much in the way of tactics for the final goblin boss anyway.

: And let me just say, it’s time to go fucking loud.

: The Adam version of the bat mascot was done by Dogma (dxgm4 on Discord), the same person who did Mara. I don’t know why I ordered it, but I did.

: There’s three goblins outside the door to the worg pens, where Halsin is. This is right behind where we found Volo. We’re going to wind up killing them on the way out, so..

: They get rolled over like the speed bumps they are.

: The worg pens are full of goblins. There is no quiet option here. The second you go down to where Halsin is, a fight breaks out.

: It’s here I discover, purely by accident, how to cheese stealth. It works like this. Go into turn-based mode, stealth, and THEN sneak attack.

: This reduces the chances of the enemy automatically spotting you, and makes it so you only need one hide check instead of.. a lot.

: The party massacres their way down the steps and one of the goblin children, who are in this room for no discernible reason, calls for help.

: It’s funny because all his friends are dead.

: Once combat goes on for long enough (one full round), we get effectively the same cutscene as if we had walked down the stairs.

: The mysterious bear breaks the cage door and instantly kills the goblin in front of it (assuming she’s not already dead).

: By this point, all that’s left are two worgs, who go down before the next turn is over.

: Meet Halsin, a druid and Pollux’s new capture target. Salty Vanilla chose him as Pollux’s boyfriend.

: “Pardon the viscera. One should cherish all of nature’s bounty.. but goblin guts are quite far down the list.”

: (My god, he’s beautiful.)

: “You aided a bear without knowing if it would savage you? A true friend of nature - or perhaps a lunatic.”

: Oh, um.. I took some correspondence courses in druid studies.

: “Either way, I owe thanks. I am the druid Halsin.”

1. Glad I could help.
2. You’re Halsin? The Master Halsin of the Emerald Grove?
3. I spoke to Nettie - she said you could help me with the parasite in my head.
4. I’ve heard you’re an unmatched healer. I need your help.
5. I’ve been to the Emerald Grove. It’s in danger.
6. You should get out of here. It’s not safe.

: “Glad I could.. wait, you’re Halsin? The Master Halsin of the Emerald Grove?! We’ve been there. It’s in danger.. well, not in danger anymore since we killed all the goblins, but it’s in danger because Kagha’s a crazy bitch and I think we fixed her but I can’t really be sure.”

: “Oh and we spoke to Nettie and I need your help getting this parasite out of my brain.”

: “I am aware. I foolishly left it vulnerable to this rabble. There’s work to be done. …Hrrm. That look in your eyes - I’ve seen it before. Are you feeling all right?”

: (Oh no he can see right through me)

: “I, ah.. I think that might be the bloodlust wearing off. I’ve spent the last hour killing every goblin in sight and I am in horribly over my head.”

: He went zero to yaoi in sixty seconds.

: “Oak Father preserve you, child. You’re infected, aren’t you? The mind flayer’s spawn. But something’s.. different. You’re aware of the monster inside you. You don’t bow to the Absolute, like the True Souls do…”

: “How is this possible…?”

1. I don’t know.
2. I escaped from an illithid ship after being infected. Maybe the process was interrupted.
3. I think this artefact has something to do with it.

: “I think this artefact has something to do with it.”

: “Hmm… that looks very alien. As alien as the mind flayers. They do not belong on this world. It is no coincidence that you found me here, I’ll wager? You’re after a cure for this parasite.”

: “I’ve been studying these parasites for a while now. Ever since I discovered these so-called True Souls are infected with them. Someone is using very powerful magic to modify these tadpoles. They are using them to exert control over the infected.”

: “I’m sorry to say, I can’t undo that magic, which means I can’t cure you. But that doesn’t mean I can’t help. I didn’t find what I came here for - a way to remove the tadpoles - but I found the next best thing. I found out where they come from.”

: “That must be where these enchantments are placed on them, and it’s where you’ll find your cure.”

1. Tell me what you’ve learned about these tadpoles’ origins.
2. This magic isn’t typical of how mind flayers procreate?
3. So all of this was for nothing.
4. You learned all this from your studies?

: “Tell me what you’ve learned about these tadpoles’ origins.”

: “I overheard that the cultists are sending all of their captives to Moonrise Towers. Innocents go in, True Souls come out. Given that all of these True Souls are infected, it has to be the source of this magic.”

: “If you want to find a cure, you must head there and discover how the tadpoles are being manipulated.”

1. You seem to know a lot about this. Will you come with me to Moonrise?
2. Altered parasites? A cure at Moonrise Towers, maybe? Sounds like guesswork at best.
3. At least I know what to do now. Thank you.

: “You seem to know a lot about this. Will you come with me on a date.. I mean, to Moonrise Towers?”

: “I wish I could, but there’s still work I’ve yet to finish - blood I’ve yet to spill. I’ve no right to ask you… but if you could help me, I’d be free to join your journey to Moonrise.”

: “I cannot allow these butchers to threaten my grove. The natural order must be protected.”

1. All right. How do I help?
2. Look around you - there’s no order anymore. Only chaos.
3. Kagha was swayed by the Shadow Druids. She nearly sealed the grove.

: “Kagha was swayed by the Shadow Druids. She nearly sealed the grove.”

: “Kagha.. I should have suspected she’d take things too far. I’ll deal with her when I can. But there are other matters to attend to before that.”

: “Three deaths could win us peace: the drow Minthara, the hobgoblin Dror Ragzlin, and that perversion of a priestess, Gut. They are the ones holding these parasites together. Remove them and nature will cure itself.”

1. Having a shapeshifting bear druid at my side might make things easier.
2. I’ll deal with this. You get to safety.
3. The grove isn’t my problem. I have to concentrate on saving myself.
4. You ask too much of me. I can’t help you.

: “Having a shapeshifting bear druid at my side might make things easier.”

: “Be warned - my presence could make things more difficult. I can only restrain my bear form so much. I won’t be able to help but attack goblins. If I join you, we’ll likely have to slaughter this entire place. You may want to use discretion when approaching the goblin leaders.”

: “Gut is dead, and so is Minthara… I think. In any case, she won’t be much of a threat naked and unarmed. You should come with me.”

: We now have a final choice. You can take Halsin as a fifth party member and finish the remaining goblins off. They will attack on sight if he is with you.

: I’ve recorded the final fight in the camp with Halsin in the party. We’ll do that next update, when I also show off what happens if you choose to double-cross Minthara.