Update 8: Jumping the Shark
Once we go past the bridge, the canyon turns into a less swampy Valley of Defilement. You might have noticed in the last update that the first Leafbook post has one of those weird stones in it just like the one straight ahead.
These are Higgledy Stones, and are probably the worst-implemented thing in the game. Each stone contains a different Higgledy to collect… only as I mentioned earlier, higgledies are useless - the stones even moreso, because we’ll soon have a way to craft higgledies at will.
Each stone has the same exact dialog. They want a crafting item (ie; all that random junk we’ve been slowly accumulating since the beginning of the game, both as drops from battles and from glowing pickup spots) which is usually something that’s either too rare to justify the expense, or that you won’t have for another 5+ hours after you meet the stone. There’s one particularly egregious example about 3/4 of the way into the game where one of the stones (in an area that is extremely annoying to navigate) wants an item that isn’t even obtainable until post-game.
Anyway, this stone wants a nut - just like the one we grabbed from a pickup spot mere seconds ago.
I’m only showing this because there are a few sidequests later on that will demand we do the same thing - pick the right item from a list. Most of those are safe to ignore.
This gets us a second wind-elemental higgledy. I don’t believe there’s any reason to have two other than to double up on the chance of getting that AOE heal.
Not far from the stone, we find the final prop clover… of this area, anyway. They’ll show up in some other places later.
Oh man, it looks like a boss arena. Could it be…
Suddenly, Roland gets surrounded by what looks like rejected 40k Ork technology. For some reason, he forgets to simply pull out his gun and start blasting.
For some reason, instead of just cutting both of them down with the machinegun on the front, this idiot decides to go for a different approach.
Buddy, I’ve heard of Solid Snake, Liquid Snake, Naked Snake and Punished “Venom” Snake. I swear to god, if these idiots are just Fantasy Outer Heaven…
Roland immediately contemplates passing anti-net laws, and revoking net neutrality while he’s at it.
: “We have important business beyond the valley! You simply must let us through!”
: “Oh, must we indeed? I’ll tell ye what we simply must do, boy - string up all them as comes a-spyin’ on our secret base!”
Yes, their secret base that even some old lady who lives on the other side of the continent knows is here.
: “Aye, me honored colleague has the right of it. Ye’ve contravened rule 7, section D o’ the Piratical Aviator’s Code. An’ the punishment for such a heinous crime is… death!”
: “But we’re not aviators. We walked here.”
: “Spare us yer clever words, mister! We’ll not stand here an’ listen to ye wheedle yer way out of it.”
: “Aye, piratin’s busy work! Less talkin’, more dyin’! Heh heh!”
And oh look, it’s a twelve-year-old version of San from Princess Mononoke. Mostly, I don’t hate this game - it’s mediocre and grindy and poorly designed in a lot of places, but damned if I didn’t finish it. Tani as a character, I absolutely do hate.
: “Er… we- we, er…”
: “Well now, I never… that is we… ahem.”
: “We wait for an opening, then run!”
Evan and Roland are pretty much immediately taken to the game’s second town, the Sky Pirate Base.
This part is basically a five-minute walk that would ordinarily take something like fifteen seconds at Evan’s default movement speed. From what I remember, the first time I played this part, the pirates walked in front and behind the party to sort of force them along - but in this case, they both kinda decided to fuck off to the side.
Meet Batu. Batu is probably my favorite character in this game.
: “Ye must be the trespassers. Loiterin’ suspiciously in the Canyon there, or so I hears it.”
: “With good reason. Please, hear us out.”
: “W-we only want to visit the King’s Cradle! We won’t cause any trouble, I promise!”
: “Ye caused trouble the second ye set foot on Sky Pirate turf, lad. ‘Tis a violation o’ the code - one that carries the penalty of death!”
So yeah, this guy is an ice cold motherfucker who is going to kill a pre-pubescent boy for trespassing.
: “What? Can’t you-”
: “You may want to reconsider. This is King Evan of Ding Dong Dell. What do you suppose will happen if you execute a royal, hm?”
: “Eh? You’re a wry one to jest so in the face of death, matey.”
: “We’re not so backward that we ain’t heard o’ the young price taking the throne… but we’re not so soft in the head as to believe he’d come traipsin’ all the way up here, neither.”
: “There was a coup. We fled here in fear of our lives.”
: “Is that so? All the more reason to sling ‘em off a cliff an’ be done with it. Whoever’s in charge at Ding Dong Dell’s sure to be pleased as punch at such tidings. An’ it can’t do no harm to stay on their good side now, can it?”
So yeah, ice cold motherfucker.
: “The wyverns’ve taken her hostage! They said they’ll let her live… b-but only if we promises to pick up sticks right away an’ never come back!”
: “The devils! Pick on a mere slip of a girl, would they? …But if we desert this base, we’ll be sittin’ ducks for any an’ all choose to come at us! The lousy lizards’ll slaughter every last man, woman, and child!”
So yeah, he’s gone from killing Evan to sacrificing his own daughter just so he can stay king of the pirates. I want you to keep this in mind, that this guy is basically one step away from being Luca Blight at this point.
: “But she’s-”
: “She’s the blood o’ my blood’s what she is. I the boot were on the other foot, I know she’d do the same.”
: “Wait! You can’t just leave her to die!”
: “What’s that now?”
: “If none of you are willing to go, I will! I’ll rescue her!”
So yeah, this is the kid who not even a day ago was too scared to fight anyone to the point where he got someone killed as a result.
: “Please, Chief Batu! You have to let us try! Tani saved our lives, we are honor-bound to repay the debt!”
: “Somethin’ tells me that ain’t all yer after, laddie.”
So when I first read this line, I made it my headcanon that Evan has somehow seen Princess Mononoke and had a thing for San, not knowing that the best female character animated by Hayao Miyazaki is actually Fujiko Mine. This entire segment could’ve been avoided if someone had just shown him Castle of Cagliostro.
: “Aye! They’re after a way out, boss! You take it from me!”
: “We won’t run away! You have my word as… you have my word!”
: “Just what’re ye plottin’, laddie? I don’t have time for none of your trickery.”
So I’d like to point something out here. This line, right here? The one by Batu about the “blighted lands” being “rife with misery and war”? This is something that is absolutely NEVER SHOWN IN THE FUCKING GAME AT ANY POINT. The only unrest we’ve seen so far is the coup at Ding Dong Dell - and that’s a civil war at best, not an international one. In fact, Evan’s entire motivation setup here makes absolutely no goddamn sense! None! But no, from here on out, there will never be shown at any point a war between two nations.
… And it’s only going to get worse from here. I’d also like to point out that Batu of all fucking people is the ONLY PERSON IN THE ENTIRE GAME to question the wisdom of having a 10 year old boy run a country.
So yes, readers, we have just officially jumped the shark.
: “What’s that? Not just a king indeed, but king of the whole blessed world, eh lad?”
: “If that’s what it takes, I have to try! And I can’t stop trying until everyone is able to live happily ever after!”
: “Silence, ye mangy curs! Ye were sayin’, lad?”
: “If I can’t repay my debt to Tani, I don’t deserve to be king. I don’t deserve to live! So kill us if you must. But at least give us a chance to save her first. And if we do… grant us safe passage to the king’s cradle.”
Anyway, we’re now given full access to the pirate stronghold. There’s not a whole lot interesting here apart from a merchant who sells soreaway, but at this point I had already blown all of my money on soreaway from the merchant at the start of Cloudcoil Canyon.
All we can do now is touch the warp point to activate it, and blast off to strike against the evil wyvern empire… in the next update.